#speaking from experience whatever validation you get will not be worth dealing with the massive amount of creeps that will flock to you

[destroyyourbinder]

Unriddling the Sphinx: Autism & the Magnetism of Gender Transition

When people note that "trans children" tend to have autistic traits and that children with an autism diagnosis (particularly natal girls, but also boys) are massively overrepresented in the population that is referred to assessment and treatment for gender dysphoria, many trans people's (and allies') response is that it is a kind of dehumanization and denial of agency to claim that autistic people cannot be transgender, do not have the right to seek gender transition, or that they may be vulnerable to being exploited by the transgender healthcare system. Most recently, this claim has come up again with regards to a recent piece by Harry Potter author J.K. Rowling, where among many other things she notes the enormous increase in child referrals to gender clinics, including a disproportionate number of autistic children, to explain her reticence to endorse the political stances of modern transgender movements.

This is my response as an autistic woman, who was once an autistic child, who is a lesbian with experiences of gender dysphoria and who once wanted to transition to male.

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1.

Recognizing our vulnerability to social predation and to cultural systems that we do not understand because they were not made for us is not offensive. As autistic people, it is key to claiming our autonomy as a particular kind of disabled person. We often do not recognize our limitations in reference to greater social systems not because we are "too stupid" (i.e. cognitively or intellectually limited) but because we have different value systems than neurotypical people and hierarchical institutions built for their benefit. Autism is a pervasive developmental disability, and it is a way of being. It is not merely being a "regular person" minus various clinically defined psychological capacities or skills. It is a difference across all domains of life, and as a disability that causes differences in our social and sensory perception it is also a disability that causes differences in what we want and what we care about. Both those who exhibit condescending "concern" for autistic people and those people who naively defend our right to do whatever we see fit miss this component of being autistic. It is not that we are merely vulnerable because we are missing parts of our decision-making or social skills apparatus. It is not that we are merely being unfairly denied what we want to do, and our autism is immaterial, just some excuse for the denial.

It's that we aren't recognized as having wants, only "special needs". It's that we aren't given the skills to know what it is that we want, or that it might be different from those around us. It's that we are never told how to get what we want in safe and healthy ways, or that there is even a potentially safe and healthy way to get it. It's that we are deemed automatically pathological and empty of internal experiences as autistic people. It's that we're not given any help on how to navigate our deep differences from others and how to navigate being deprived of social resources and networking in a way that doesn't tell us to just cover it up and deal with it. It's that most people who dedicate their lives to "helping" us do not care about any of these things, merely that we can be trained to act in a way that doesn't disrupt the lives of neurotypical people. Given this context, it is far more insulting to me to insist that having autonomy renders us somehow invulnerable to exploitation than to correctly perceive that we are in fact an intensely vulnerable people. By nature of our disability, we are always on the margins of social resources and social networks, and exercising our autonomy unfortunately often puts us even further outside social acceptability and social protection rather than somehow shielding us materially from the consequences of living a self-actualized autistic life. Few autistic people are prepared for this when they begin trying to make decisions "true to self" in adolescence.

I believe nearly every autistic person is traumatized from the consequences of living in this world and what others do to us. Clinicians do not usually recognize that autistic children and adults can be traumatized, that there is even anything there to traumatize. (Why else could they feel so comfortable shocking us, shackling us, or feeding us bleach?)

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2.

I think because we are not neurotypical we often struggle to understand just why a neurotypical person would feel ok excluding us, or maybe even anyone. Many of us autistic people have little impulse to do such things, and if we do, we rarely have the social power to make someone that we've cut out of our lives unemployable, unable to access medical care, food, housing, and so on. But neurotypical institutions are set up, from top to bottom, to create hierarchies of value with extreme material difference between the top and bottom. They are set up to stratify the "worthy" people from "unworthy" people.

Autistic people are almost universally considered "unworthy" in these systems, and to the extent that we can curry favor from them we must consent to our exploitation: to entering into a transaction on neurotypical terms, where we can get some sort of worth through providing a "benefit" to this hierarchical resource system which is not made according to our value system or for us whatsoever. This is common to all marginalized people. But it is often particularly poignant to autistic people, who struggle to find community with any social group of human beings. There is no "elsewhere" for us, there is no "home". We are stuck, as they say, on the "wrong planet", and the spaceship was destroyed.

The idea that exercising our autonomy would protect us from this world rather than render us more vulnerable because we are refusing to transact correctly or refusing to provide a benefit is utterly absurd. Our autonomy is perfectly compatible with our continued social ostracization and exploitation. It usually coexists with our continued social ostracization and exploitation.

In social skills classes-- or just the wild, wild world-- you are not taught how to deal with the fact that everyone will hate you for being you. You are taught to be someone else. You are not taught about your native autonomy. You are taught about how to put your hands here or here, how to choose between actions that are condescendingly and ridiculously normal. You are not taught how to take responsibility in a way you understand, that is harmonious to your own values and others'. You are taught to hold yourself accountable for your abnormality.

So forgive me if I do not believe for one second that impersonal, well-funded medical systems that were built off of medically experimenting on intersex children and adults (the nightmares wreaked by John Money at Johns Hopkins) or psychologically experimenting on behaviorally aberrant children (UCLA, where behaviorist torturer of autistic children Ivan Lovaas tinkered with gender nonconforming children alongside conversion therapist George Rekers) have autistic people's self-defined well being in mind.

And forgive me if I do not think informed consent clinics have autistic people's self-defined well-being in mind when they're more interested in rubber stamping hormones while shielding themselves from legal liability than assisting autistic adolescents and adults, who have an intrinsically different way of understanding gendered social norms, navigate the enormous complexity of how to interface with the single most fundamental social fixation of the neurotypical world as someone who will always and automatically fail.

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3.

I do not think most gender clinicians even have the first understanding of what it means to be autistic and what this does in and of itself to your understanding of gender and sexuality. What J.K. Rowling said in her piece-- a straightforward accounting of facts-- is far, far less insulting to me than what Diane Ehrensaft-- one of the premier "experts" in the United States on pediatric transgender cases-- published in a peer-reviewed journal on autism. In a 2018 letter to the editor reading remarkably like new-age material on Indigo Children, she writes that she likes to call autistic transgender children "Double Helix Rainbow Kids" and declares us "freed" from the restrictions of gender as "more creative" individuals. This article ends with an anecdote about an eight year old autistic female child with limited language use who begins speaking, making eye contact, and relating more appropriately with clinic staff after she is socially transitioned by her family. Ehrensaft muses, "“Could gender be an alleviator for the stressors of autism?”

She is not the only one to pontificate about the magical changes a gender transition brings on autistic children. Norman Spack (the first clinician in the US to use GnRH agonists on gender dysphoric children as puberty-suppressing drugs) claims in a coauthored, peer-reviewed 2012 paper (insults upon insults, in the Journal of Homosexuality) that in his clinical experience the symptoms of comorbid diagnoses--including "problems with social competence"-- "decrease and even disappear" with gender treatment. In the same paper, this passage appears:

Although the question of whether gender dysphoria is simply a symptom of an autism spectrum disorder has been raised by mental health clinicians in the field, we feel it is equally worth questioning the validity of an autism diagnosis among transgender youth, particularly of those diagnosed with Asperger’s disorder. Perhaps the social awkwardness and lack of peer relationships common among GID-Asperger’s patients is a result of a lifetime of feeling isolated and rejected; and maybe the unusual behavior patterns are simply a coping method for dealing with the anxiety and depression created from living in an “alien body,” as one patient described it.

Do autistic trans people-- who rightfully protest against mainstream autism organizations focusing on a "cure" for autism rather than respectful accommodations for our differences and medical needs-- know that very well-connected, very respected, and very powerful gender doctors are claiming that gender transition cures the symptoms of autism? Do autistic trans people-- who rightfully discuss the implications of denying that someone can both be autistic and hold a meaningful gender variant identity-- know that it is an active clinical debate as to whether or not their disability and all its struggles is "just" a result of somehow ending up in the "wrong body"?

If they do not, they should know that this is how doctors are perceiving the pervasive issues that the children in their care are having: not as the result of a life-long, stigmatized, but eminently livable disability, but as the result of a mystical gender failure that can be medically corrected. That essentially, the disability "goes away" so long as outsiders no longer perceive a problem with a child's conformity to gender norms. That either an autistic girl somehow is transfigured into a non-autistic child through transition, or more likely, an autistic girl's autistic behavior is unfitting for her as a girl but not for her as a boy. That the "proof" of pediatric transition's effectiveness and standard of an autistic child's happiness is how much the child wishes to participate in neurotypical society on neurotypical society's terms.

I cannot pretend that this isn't ludicrously disrespectful to autistic people, or that it isn't a total erasure of our experience as human beings. To these gender doctors, the fact that a girl might see the world in a different way and care about different things and thereby struggle in a world not made for her does not matter whatsoever, except maybe as a tokenistic "journey" she can go on alongside her wonderfully progressive and affirming doctors. What "autism" is for them is a particularly severe and inconvenient social adjustment problem which can be forcibly corrected through body modifications, should an autistic child or adult rightly note that they can't do gender right and this is causing problems for them. They are more interested-- like in a long history of abusive and even deadly "treatments" for autism-- in correcting the problem for them than for the autistic person. How convenient for neurotypical people both the gender incongruous behavior and the social noncompliance goes away once you medically modify a child to look like the other sex.

I cannot be anything but sick that "increased eye contact" is a sign an autistic child needed medical meddling in the intimate process of navigating and negotiating their sexual and gender development. I cannot trust that these doctors aren't missing enormous parts of their autistic patients' experiences, if this is what they are so gleeful to report as a positive transformation and their justification for disrupting and surveilling children's bodies. What do they think of autistic people and those who are gender non-conforming if they are so willing to believe that existing as a person with a stigmatized disability is actually just a misdiagnosis for the pseudoscientific condition of being a man in a woman's body, or vice versa?

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5.

It takes many, many years and quite a bit of luck and support for most autistic people to fully understand and come to terms with how their autism affects them and sets them apart from both individual neurotypical people and neurotypical society at large. It takes years-- often far, far into adulthood, especially for those abused under a medical model or for those who went decades undiagnosed-- to understand the differences between social and non-social aspects of this disability.

It takes years to not resort to chalking up all of your own distress and difficulties to being a "retard".

I have not met an autistic woman yet who did not have extreme difficulty integrating her autistic differences in values with a broader sense of self that includes whatever version of herself she uses to navigate a world in which women's values are simultaneously invisible (since she has no right to determine them herself) and nitpicked to death (since it is important she complies).

In a world like this why would it not be difficult for autistic people to know when it is they are being fooled or exploited while participating in transgender communities or while seeking transgender health care? Autistic people-- especially those who are dependent on caregivers or health systems for basic care, as well as those who depend on the goodwill of their families, employers, or welfare benefit institutions to remain as independent as they can-- have to make continual compromises just to maintain enough acceptability to communicate with the outside world nonetheless do things like "make a friend", "go to the doctor", "find a job".

I do not think neurotypical people understand or care that when I speak or write it is always with a similar effort as with a second language. Language-- whether it is verbal or nonverbal, with all the extensive symbology of the neurotypical world-- does not ever get to be something other than "translation" for me. As someone with an Asperger's-profile of abilities who has studied the neurotypical world intensely for years, I have the opportunity to translate in a way that allows others to understand me at least some of the time. Many autistic people who are more affected live in the world which gives "autism" its name, where nobody cares to do the translation for us and we are left totally and utterly alone.

The 20th century philosopher Ludwig Wittgenstein (who, perhaps not coincidentally, was likely autistic) was fixated on questions about the meaning of communication. About whether a language of one could make any sense, about what it would mean to speak about something hidden from everyone else or perhaps even ourselves. In a famous passage debated vociferously, he wrote, "If a lion could speak, we would not be able to understand him."

Many have resolved the question posed by this statement by claiming that for fuck's sake, a lion is a lion, and has nothing to say.

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6.

Gender transition appealed to me because it was cloaked in the farcical notion that there was some version of me and my body that could finally speak directly. I never quite understood the whole Adam and Eve story as an autistic child-- just don't eat it!-- but if there truly were a serpent's apple for autistic folks it would consist of this promise: that there was a world where the glass and the fog would dissolve, that we weren't covered in a repulsive and bumbling slime made of our own desires to understand, that instead of our words and hands glancing off the skin of everyone around us we could do that magic everyone else could and hold someone's heart in our hands. I was fooled because like many struggling autistic people, I wanted the problem to be me. Because then it was fixable. I would let them take my only body (which was such a sensory drag) to convert me into one of these blessed transponders that normal people were, receiving and sending all these messages like shooting stars blazing through the unimpeded vacuum of space. Without my femaleness and without the Difficulties That Should Not Be Named, I could send whatever message I wanted to whoever I wanted and it would be received, I could be gregarious, important, sexually compelling; my will and autonomy wouldn't be stifled by 140 pounds of dumpy, itchy flesh with an overbite and slack hands.

When I imagined myself as a man I didn't imagine myself like most of the childhood boys I managed to ingratiate myself with, who lisped, repeated themselves, and tripped over their own shoes. I imagined myself as a musician who was absolutely magnetic, I imagined myself as a writer with a legacy, I imagined myself telling other guys they were stupid shits and they could fuck off. I imagined being able to hold onto a football without dropping it, being able to smoke weed without getting a migraine, being able to talk without squeaking or letting out a little drool.

I thought I would finally be a human being with no embarrassments and nothing that could get me bullied in the bathroom between class. I thought when I would say "no", other people would listen. I would enter whatever mystical world it is that Ehrensaft names, made of messages and meanings, where every twist of word and piece of clothing said something, connected by a fine filament back to that Necronomicon filled with the runes of social symbology. And it would make sense.

I would become a lion, not a house cat. And the lion would speak. And we would understand him.

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7.

It is a neurotypical narrative that this is what transition can do for you, because it is what someone else's transition does for neurotypical people. A gender transition is magical because it decodes the lion. It unriddles the sphinx. The autistic person must be happier now, because the neurotypical person is happier now. (And who has an empathy deficit?)

But if I have learned to be afraid of anything as an autistic person it is not my own neuroticism and fixations, but those of the so-called "normal people". Forget double helix rainbows: being an autistic person is like your DNA is a converted school bus trundling through the world in spray-painted glory and the whole world has an HOA. I understand why autistic people who see themselves as transgender see "concern" as the busybody stupidity of the neurotypical world. They aren't wrong. But it exists alongside other mundane and brutal busybody stupidities, such as grant funding, progressive saviorism, and psychiatric god-complexes.

To understand and resist what the neurotypical world communicates to us about our worth is not to protest back to them in their own language. I am an autistic woman and like many other autistic women I am tired of not only making myself more palatable but translating my existence into something intelligible to outsiders, who are both men and the non-autistic. Radical feminists miss one of these; trans activists and allies miss the other. But I am irrevocably othered from both.

When you are autistic you are taught only one symbolic structure. It is not your own, but it is the only medium you will ever have to communicate with any complexity. More sinisterly, it becomes the only medium we have to communicate to ourselves, the only medium we can use to work around the silent and jumbled parts of our bodies and minds. Am I hungry? It is not always obvious. To ask the question I find myself translating, even when alone.

My fantasy about lions and men was that whatever world a lion lived in and whatever he had to say, he did not need to translate, and especially never to himself. When a lion says something he does not stop to ask if he means what he says or who is saying it. When a lion looks into the water hole and sees his own reflection, he does not need to reconcile anything. The lion does not need to speak to understand himself. A lion is made of teeth and blood and claws and the lion just does.

I do not use the symbolism of transgenderism to explain the little gaps and incongruities that are my problems with gender, with my sexed body, with sexuality. It is not only a language born of neurotypical neuroses and regulation, but it is always and forever fundamentally a translation. As an autistic woman I have spent my whole life avoiding these dual facts, through both my time thinking of myself as trans and while trying to understand this whole thing afterwards: I am my body and I am not my body. Because I speak, but I do not understand. Because I understand, but I do not speak.

I will, unavoidably, always have to translate to speak and understand. But my autonomy requires that at bottom I must respect the native communication of my own body and mind. I refuse to use force or coercion to get it to talk, to interrupt its silence, to confabulate stories on its behalf, to speak for it using assumptions it cannot confirm or deny. I have to make peace with the fact that sometimes the blanks of my body or the redacted corners of my mind will say nothing. I have to make peace with the fact that translation is always inaccurate, that something is always beyond that constellation of symbols and words. The autistic body and the autistic mind have their own boundaries, and I refuse to believe that exercising my autonomy requires breaking them.

I do not know if J.K. Rowling knows this. I hope you do.

#writings #autism #detransition #reidentifying

[the-bounce-back]

26 LIFE LESSONS LEARNT IN 26 YEARS

So… ya girl turned 26 back in May. I had originally planned to post this the day after my birthday for maximum dramatics and symbolism, but here we are.

Yes, I am painfully aware that my birthday was over 4 months ago now, and yes, I have already been dragged to the moon and back by both myself and my friends for not finishing the post on time (it’s been chilling in my drafts since, like, late April)… so face your front and mind your business.

All jokes aside, these past months have been insanely chaotic for us all on both a personal level and global scale. Everyone and everything seems to have gone mad. A whole pandemic… having to literally fight for equal rights and justice in 2020... having to watch world leaders single-handedly destroy the countries that they themselves campaigned to govern... and on top of that, being forced to stay indoors and not being able to do whatever you want?! Sh*t, I’m even surprised that myself or anyone I know hasn’t been sectioned yet. This whole year needs to be put in rice, immediately.

I can’t lie, watching everything unfold these past few months - while struggling to come up with ways to entertain myself because of the constant negative news and energy drifting round and stifling my creativity - has had a massive toll on my mental health. Although my coping skills have become a lot better over the years, how in the hell was I (or any of us) meant to prepare for a year of constant chaos, death  and revolt? No one could’ve seen it coming, and that’s why these circumstances have made me feel like my mental health has been dropkicked in the throat. We’re not built to be cooped up at home for so long, and we’re definitely not built to have to consume heartbreaking and traumatising media on a daily basis. No wonder so many people have been feeling like they’ve lost the plot.

On top of that, I’ve also been dealing with a lot of other things - because when it rains, it pours. Not being able to distract myself by doing fun stuff because of Corona has somehow given my subconscious the confidence to go absolutely apesh*t. This, in the sense that a lot of past situations I’ve forced myself to suppress over the years to be able to just function like a normal(ish) human being have managed to claw their way to the surface and demand my attention like a bunch of spoilt and crying toddlers. To put it in the least dramatic way possible, these feelings and memories have been killing my ~*vibe*~... like, a lot. Ya girl’s been going through it. It’s been particularly hard because I promised myself at the beginning of the year to work harder on not obsessing so much over past situations that I have no control over, but due to the circumstances I’ve forced myself to give myself a break and take each thought as it comes.

Yes, this is all very depressing - but despite everything, there have also been a lot of silver linings of this lockdown. Besides day drinking, chick flick marathons and chatting sh*t on facetime 24/7, having all this time to focus on my mental and spiritual health has definitely taught me a lot about myself. I genuinely feel positive and like this time of my life is needed to be able to grow and evolve when I’m not in that negative state of mind. These experiences coming back to the surface and demanding to be felt and dealt with may be hella exhausting, but I’ve definitely done this enough now to know that there is a light at the end of the tunnel, and that one day I’ll be able to fully make sense of it and fully heal.  And when I finally have gotten to that stage, I will definitely write a few posts about it - because no one should feel like they have to deal with this level of headf*ckery alone.

Anyways, there you have it - another long-ass excuse for my lack of productivity. But hey, at least it’s valid. 

Enough with all the dark sh*t - we have more than enough time to revisit that and other fun stuff in another post, don’t worry! Instead, let’s pretend that it’s still the day after my birthday, that I am editing this with a hangover while stuffing my face with leftover cake, that I am indeed capable of keeping personal deadlines and that I haven’t been AWOL for over a quarter of a year. Keep on reading for 26 big and small life lessons I’ve learnt along the way in this dunya, in no particular order. It’s going to be a very long one (tip: scroll and find the ones that resonate the most with you), so get cozy, put the kettle on and get some snacks or whatever. 

1. You are still young - do not compare your journey to other’s.

Okay, so I’m definitely projecting with this one. When I turned 25 last year I had a bit (a lot) of a minor (major) existential crisis because I was very far from where I had always expected to be at 25 years old. Career-wise, fitness-wise, finance-wise and relationship-wise I just felt like a massive failure, and like from that moment on life would just go downhill. I made the mistake of comparing myself to my agemates and people younger than me, and seeing other people’s success when my own life was a mess didn’t exactly make it better.

For this year - despite me now being on the wRoNg side of 25 - I feel very calm and even happy about getting older, simply because I realised that my time will come and that everyone's journey is different. For this reason, comparing your progress to other’s doesn’t even make sense and just puts a load of unnecessary pressure on yourself. Be patient - all the work you’re putting in now will pay off soon.

2. Take time to reconnect with your ~*inner child*~.

I know, I know - it all sounds awfully hippy-dippy, but hear me out. In short, your inner child refers to the subpersonality that still feels, thinks and reacts as you did when you were younger, and reconnecting with that childlike aspect of yourself can be beneficial to your mental wellbeing and psyche for many different reasons. 

The main reasons I have focused on reconnecting with my inner child in the past couple of years have been for a) learning how to tap into that creative, free and spontaneous nature I had as a kid before life got in the way; b) to heal wounds that occurred in my childhood that are still holding me back, and c) to reparent my inner child by unlearning toxic mindsets and behaviours that have had a negative impact on my life. 

In terms of creativity, I remembered how much I used to love drawing and writing as a child, and returning to these passions as an adult has had such a massively positive impact on my mental health in ways that I can’t even begin to describe. Doing activities you used to love as a kid should really be considered acts of self-care, because the childlike joy and excitement that comes from it? Absolutely bladdy priceless.

Then there’s the dark and mildly traumatising side of reconnecting with your inner child. Revisiting and analysing what can be very emotionally painful memories is never going to be a delightful task - but trust me when I say that you have to push through it, regardless of how long it takes. There aren’t any shortcuts or detours involved when trying to heal a wounded inner child, so make sure that you are patient with yourself and take the time you need to heal.

All in all - regardless of if you’re trying to get your creativity flowing, trying to enjoy life more in general or trying to unpack almost a couple decades worth of trauma (my personal favourite!), setting aside some time to really reflect and remember your thoughts and feelings from way back then really does help make sense of your thoughts and feelings as an adult. I’ll even bet money that every single insecurity and doubt you may have about yourself can be traced back to something that happened during your childhood - which is why reconnecting with yourself at that age is imperative if you want to truly heal.

3. Be confident about your creative projects.

One of the biggest lessons I’ve learnt in life so far is definitely understanding the fine line between confidence and arrogance. I can only really speak for myself - although I know that a lot of women can relate - but I was raised to be humble about a lot of my accomplishments. It got to the point where even the slightest self-acknowledgement of my talents made me feel like I was being arrogant, attention seeking and braggy, so for a long time I kept a lot of W’s and my pride in my work to myself. However, this is one of the aforementioned toxic mindsets that I’m currently working on unlearning - because if I don’t hype up myself and my talents, who will?

After speaking to friends about similar topics I get the impression that this reluctance to hype up our own creativity goes - in many cases - way back to a time during which we might not have had our creativity appreciated and validated as children. For me, this makes a lot of sense because I was extremely creative and had a very vivid imagination as a child, but I think somewhere along the way it got stifled by the pressure of making certain family members (who thought anything remotely right-brain stimulating was a waste of time) proud. 

Anyways, it doesn’t matter anymore. Now that I’ve realised that my creative vision is a blessing, and that being confident in the quality of my work has nothing to do with being arrogant, you best believe that I will self-validate every single project I complete, and I hope you will do the same.

4. Love and take care of your body.

I mean this from both a body-image and health point of view. I spent way too many years of my life hating my body and hating looking different to literally everyone around me, and I’d be lying if I said that realising how damaging this self-hatred was doesn’t get me in my feelings from time to time. However, I have been able to get out of this mindset - for the most part - and can now appreciate that my body is beautiful, and that the perfect body I was always striving towards doesn’t even exist.

With that being said, it is important to remember that loving your body goes beyond self-acceptance... It also entails taking care of it through exercise and healthy eating. 

I know, it sucks. I don’t make the rules.

I’ve definitely been struggling with being healthy during my 20s - partially due to my sweet tooth and partially due to comfort eating and other unhealthy coping methods when my mental health was at its worst. As expected, my initial reaction to the weight gain was piling even more self-hate and pressure onto myself, when I really should have been kinder and more understanding to myself during that time. I should have used exercise and healthy eating as a coping mechanism to get better, instead of forcing myself to lose weight in a harmful manner due to feelings of disgust for my body.

CoUlD’Ve, WoUlD’Ve, ShOuLd’Ve… Sigh. Hindsight really is 20/20. What’s important is that it’s never too late to start the self-love journey, and that your body is beautiful regardless of the form it currently happens to be in.

5. Know how to communicate effectively.

That is, with people who are genuinely worth your time and energy. No matter how good of a person you are, there will always be people that seem to be entirely committed to misunderstanding you, twisting your words and trying to make you out to be a bad person. Hell, you might even be that person in someone else’s life... whether you realise it or not (I reckon I probably am). Trying to communicate with someone that has no desire or intention of getting to a level of understanding with you is literally the most frustrating and draining task ever - which is why I no longer do it if I don’t have to. There’s literally no point, and I’m just exerting energy over someone that is probably enjoying the conflict - so why bother?

With that being said, learning how to respectfully disagree, give constructive criticism, set boundaries, resolve conflict, listen to and g-check the people that you do genuinely want in your life becomes more and more important with age. I’m definitely guilty of leaving things unsaid or unresolved in the past - due to fear of offending/losing friends that meant a lot to me at the time - but we’re aDuLtS now, guys. If we can’t talk without constantly having to sugarcoat things, are we even really friends?

The answer is definitely a resounding ‘no’ from me, and since adopting this mindset - along with knowing when to distance myself from people that are literal energy vampires - my life has been a lot more peaceful. 11/10, would recommend.

6. Eliminate fear of failure.

Obviously, no one wants to fail at anything. But I’ve genuinely found that my biggest L’s in life have been the most character building and taught me the biggest life lessons. Although it might be hard to see how the situation is making you evolve when you’re neck deep in the sh*t, once you get into the mindset that failing is a learning opportunity,  you’ll see that your ego won’t be as wounded when things don’t work out the way you wanted them to.

Again, I can only speak for myself, but I feel like many of us with immense fears of failing at something were probably raised in environments in which failure was not an option and often followed by some kind of negative reaction (e.g. undermining of intelligence, disappointment, verbal abuse etc). I think that constantly associating failure with this kind of shame has made us terrified of making perfectly human mistakes. Mistakes that we wouldn’t pay any mind to if someone else were making, but that we beat ourselves up over -  just because it’s us.

Or maybe that’s just me. I don’t know, man. Regardless, teaching myself that failure and making mistakes is okay and part of the process has made me feel a lot more secure in myself and my capabilities - simply because I now know that there aren’t any mistakes that are unfixable and it’s never that deep. At the end of the day, as long as I know in my soul that I’ve done my best, there’s really no need for negative self-talk.

7. Pick your battles.

I.e. don’t sweat the small stuff. It’s so wild to me that a couple short years ago I would let every minor inconvenience, disagreement and disappointment caused by others really get to me and ruin my day. Nowadays I have gotten so good at simply removing myself from situations and people that just bring negativity into my life, because honestly? The stress isn’t worth it. Life is so much more peaceful when you refuse to give energy to negativity and toxic/inconsistent people, and once I got past the feelings of guilt for not being so available to everyone it really became one of the best choices I ever made.

8. Be kind.

This one is a cliche and a no-brainer, but still very imperative. Remembering that literally everyone has their own sh*t going on - regardless of if they speak on it or not - is extremely important, especially in terms of us interacting with each other. Being kind, sensitive and respectful to others literally costs nothing, and positive energy has a tendency to be contagious.

Obviously (for me at least), this becomes a slightly different story when the person involved constantly allows whatever they are going through to affect the way they interact with you. Things like lashing out, self-isolation and self-destructive behaviours are all tell-tale signs that the issue isn’t with you and that you shouldn’t take it personally, but of course everyone has limits to how much they can empathise with these kind of behaviours. As someone that has been on both the receiving and giving end of this kind of behaviour, I’ve found that the best approach for me is to still be kind, but to love and support them from afar - simply because I know that I have a tendency to take things to heart when I’m not even the issue. The bottom line is to try your best to be kind and understanding, but also to know when to distance yourself from toxic behaviours that can end up taking a toll on you.

9. Process your feelings.

I definitely get it. Sometimes life throws sh*t at us that is a lot easier to just push to the back of our minds so we can stay focused on what we have going on at the time. But believe me when I say that whatever feelings you squash, ignore and push past now will come back to haunt you in the future. 

Okay, so this sounds very dramatic and ominous. Your feelings aren’t going to take physical form and beat you up… however, it might feel like this is what is happening. Obviously this differs from person to person, but I’ve found that when I don’t allow myself time to process my feelings as soon as possible after they’ve been triggered, there is a risk of me being re-triggered and snapping again at a later stage - albeit at something wildly unrelated and minor. In other words, small small issues that pile up on top of negative feelings end up becoming the straw that breaks the camel’s back, the drop that spilled the glass, and whatever other corny and related sayings you can think of.

What I’m trying to say is that carrying around the weight of unresolved negative feelings takes a toll on you, no matter how resilient and ~*zen*~ you are. I have no doubt in my mind that carrying past negative feelings, trauma and pain for days, weeks, months and even years has detrimental effects on both your mental and physical health. There is a lot of research to explain this further, and I have also seen these effects on family members, friends and myself when times have been tougher than usual.

With that being said, it might sound like you’re screwed if you’ve gotten to this age and not learnt how to fully feel your feelings. I’ve been feeling that way for about five years now, I reckon. However, it’s never too late to strive for good mental health and to deal with unresolved feelings/trauma - once you get past the fear of being triggered by the bad memories, you soon realise that that’s all they are; they can’t hurt you if you don’t let them.

10. Be ‘selfish’.

So, we’re at that age now where - traditionally speaking - we’re sUpPoSeD to be looking to settle down. Get married, have kids, get a mortgage, be on a set career path… all of that adult stuff that always used to seem so far away, but is now heavily breathing down our necks and killing our vibes. It’s upsetting me and my homegirls, to be honest.

All jokes aside, there is nothing wrong with wanting these things for yourself at this age. However, my point is that millennials/Gen Z (especially women) are put under insane amounts of pressure in their twenties to have all their sh*t together - either by family or just society in general. Meanwhile, many of us are so riddled with anxiety, insecurities, unresolved trauma and lacking a sense of self due to constantly trying to please others and to not be a disappointment to the older generation that we don’t even know which way is up anymore. This is where selfishness comes in.

No, being selfish doesn’t mean to be an inconsiderate d*ck to everyone around you in this context - sorry to disappoint. I mean that it’s important that we take the time to slow down, not be so hard on ourselves and to focus on finding our own path, purpose, dream career etc on our own terms - not to please someone else. Now is the time to unpack your traumas, ~*find yourself*~, and unlearn any destructive mindsets and behaviours you’ve picked up during your childhood and teenage years. Now is the time to learn how to love and accept yourself fully. The way I see it, if you don’t make time for this, a happy, lifelong marriage and strong, healthy relationships with children you bring into the world (if that’s what you want) are a myth - simply because healthy relationships require inner peace. Even if you don’t see yourself going down the ‘traditional life plan’ route, this is still extremely important.

Times are changing; there is nothing wrong with doing certain things later in life if you’re not emotionally, mentally, physically or financially ready to deal with it… no matter what your parents/judgemental aunties/condescending uncles might try to tell you.

11. Take people at face value - not for their potential.

If I got a pound for every single time I’ve told myself this over the years, blatantly ignored it and then ended up getting hurt, I would’ve spent this entire lockdown at an all-inclusive luxury resort on a beach somewhere hot, instead of struggling in a germ-infested London. Honestly. I try not to get mad at myself for this, but it’s very hard not to because it ends up being a cycle that infinitely repeats itself in all my relationships (platonic, non-platonic and family) - leaving me feeling like Boo Boo the Fool for not listening to my intuition.

In my defense, I get myself into these situations because despite coming across as a sarcastic and heartless piece of sh*t sometimes, I genuinely do try to see the best in people and give them a chance to prove themselves as a good and positive influence in my life. This in itself isn’t the problem. The problem is that once I see even a molecule of potential in someone, I very easily latch on to that potential and become Stevie Wonder to the million red flags that pop up over time… and I don’t even realise how disrespected I’ve been until further down the line or long after the situation is over. I reckon that this insistence on riding for people that end up doing me dirty stems from knowing what it feels like to be given up on, or dismissed before even getting to prove myself. It’s a really, really sh*tty feeling, and I think I’m just wired to not want anyone to feel that way because of me.

In other words, my niceness and understanding/accommodating/empathetic qualities might be some of the best things about me - but they really invite sh*tty people to take advantage of me. 

The bottom line is that despite wanting to push people to be their best selves, there really isn’t much you can do unless they want your help. Unfortunately, a lot of people would rather fake a desire to improve themselves instead of just saying that they don’t want help - simply because they enjoy the attention and the energy that they end up leaching from you while you’re worrying about them and their (non-existent) ambitions.It’s literally only recently that I’ve kind of figured out how to combat this, and now I see right through these type of people, and can cut them off with ease. Again - it’s all about protecting your energy, and making sure you only give it to people that are genuinely trying to improve and elevate themselves. You are not a charity - stop allowing useless somebodies to deplete your life force just because their own is clearly not enough to keep them motivated.

12. Be self-aware in a healthy and constructive way.

As you’ve probably gathered from reading this, I am insanely self-aware. I honestly don’t think there is a single negative thing someone could say about me or my character that I am not already trying to work on, or at the very least am aware of. Of course, being so in tune with myself for most of my life used to make me overanalyse everything I said and did - sometimes years after it happened - and I’d be so harsh, mean and critical towards myself for things that weren’t even that deep when I look back on them.

I’m not going to lie, I don’t think there’s a ‘cure’ for overanalysing and overthinking everything. Once you’re aware, it’s very hard to just stop - believe me, I’ve tried. But what I’ve tried my best to do instead is to flip my overthinking into something positive. By this, I mean that when I’m up at 4am and start to deep my whole life and everything I should’ve done differently, I try to focus on what I’ve learnt and how much I’ve grown from the situation, and how much of a better person going through that situation has made me. This is definitely something I’m still working on, since negative thought patterns that have been imposed on you from a young age are very hard to break. But what’s important is that I try, and it has definitely helped me be kinder to myself.

13. Don’t let feelings distract you from your goals.

More projection for ya headtops. Tantalising humans really just pop up out of nowhere when you least expect it sometimes, and when the connection is there it can become dangerously easy to get carried away and lose focus on your own goals. I’ve been very vocal about my opinion about how healthy relationships are meant to elevate and inspire you as opposed to stressing you out and holding you back, so this isn’t exactly anything new to those who have read my blog for a while. 

With that being said… I get it. Meeting someone new is hella exciting - of course you want to make an effort and see how things go. It’s easy for me to come on here and say that you should make sure that you don’t go catching feelings for someone that wouldn’t want you to continue shining and flourishing in your lane while with them, but we all know that a) we can’t help who we fall for, and b) me saying so would make me the hypocrite of the millennium. I’m not sure how or why I manage to attract (and get attracted to) people that I later on down the line realise do more harm to my goals than good… but at least I’ve learnt a lot from those situations, and I’m a lot more picky about who I deem deserving of my time now. 

14. Always make time for #self-care.

There’s not much to explain here besides reminding you that the world and everyone in it is mad, so taking time to yourself and doing something you know will make you feel better during a hard time (or even a simple time, let’s be real)  is crucial in this life.

Get the takeaway. Buy the shoes. Do a cheeky face mask. Have your 3rd bubble bath of the week.

 Life really is too short and too crazy to deny yourself the little pleasures, so do it and do it without any feelings of guilt. If you’re anything like me, I’m confident you’ll think of a reason for why you deserve it - no matter how ridiculous it may be.

15. Get comfortable with being alone with your thoughts.

Okay, so I feel like I’ve discussed this topic to death, so I won’t delve too deep into it here. Instead, I’ll just reiterate that learning how to just sit alone with your thoughts and feelings from time to time - especially at this age - is imperative for your mental health. 

As important as it is to have genuine and supportive friends that you can open up to about your mental, it’s important to remember that there are always abstract thoughts and feelings lurking beneath the surface, that you couldn’t even put into words even if you tried. Regardless of if it’s unresolved feelings, suppressed traumas or an uneasy gut feeling/your intuition, some things just can’t be explained until you’ve been able to figure out where these thoughts are stemming from - and I firmly believe that this “detective work” needs to be done alone to be able to get to the root cause of the thought/feeling. 

It goes without saying that delving deep into yourself to try to figure out what these thoughts/feelings mean can be a very intimidating and triggering task - so I fully understand why a lot of people struggle with facing this alone. To clarify, I am not saying that you shouldn’t turn to friends for support if you need it - I am saying that as great as your friends may be, they can’t read your mind and will never be able to do so. Only you can know for sure exactly what you’re thinking and feeling, and taking time alone to allow yourself to become in tune with your mind and understand yourself on a deeper level is the first step towards being able to put your feelings into words -  and to be able to communicate them to others.

16. Don’t let fear of judgement stop you from doing whatever the hell you want.

This has been a major one for me the past couple of years. As I’m sure you know, regardless of what you do, say, wear or look, there will always be people - sometimes even complete strangers - who will have something snide to say in an attempt to discourage you from trying to do your thing. I’ve mentioned in previous posts how many hairstyle, outfit, blog and creative ideas that I’ve scrapped because of fear of being judged, and I try not to get annoyed with myself for caring so much - because it’s not my fault. I’m sure many of you will relate to being raised in an environment in which you were almost forced to conform to whatever was seen as a rEsPeCtAbLe lifestyle. If you didn’t, you’d be deemed a disruption to the status quo by others… which we were conditioned to believe was a terrible crime. Shock horror.

I’m here to tell you to not give a f*ck about their opinion - because who in the blue hell are they?

After being very concerned about what others think of me for most of my life, finally realising that judgement from others usually stems from their own insecurities, bitterness, jealousy or an otherwise tragic and unfulfilled existence came as a massive breath of fresh air. I even feel sorry for people that feel the need to insert their sh*tty little opinions into things I do, because I don’t even think they realise that it’s falling on deaf ears and blind eyes now. I’ve literally become Helen Keller to the nonsense now, because I don’t have time. And they’re wasting their energy. Poor things. I hope they get some rest soon.

With that being said, it does take time to get to a point of not being phased by judgement. A lot of time - for me, I’d say it’s been a couple of years. I still have a long way to go in regards to not being phased by judgement coming from people whose opinions I still care about too much (i.e.  family members and other people I look up to), but the key for me was definitely baby steps.

17. Learn how to forgive.

As appealing as holding on to everlasting hatred towards someone that did you dirty sounds, trust me when I say that the best thing you can do for yourself in this kind of situation is to forgive them - or at the very least try. Carrying anger, hate and resentment in your heart is extremely emotionally draining, and let’s face it… the person in question is most likely sleeping soundly at night, at peace, snoring, drooling and having happy dreams about living rent-free in your head after all this time.

The thing about forgiveness, I’ve learnt, is that it doesn’t have to mean that suddenly everything is okay again, or that what they did somehow became erased overnight. Absolutely not. Instead, forgiveness has become a tool to give myself closure over a situation, letting myself accept that what happened happened and to reclaim my sanity after being angry about it for a long time. It’s for me and my mental health - not for the person that hurt me.

Additionally, it is important to remember that forgiving someone doesn’t necessarily have to mean that you are now obliged to continue being nice and cordial with the person. If you’re on that level of maturity, honestly… you deserve all the accolades, because I don’t think I could ever do it. For me, most of the time the person in question won’t even know that they’ve been forgiven - and I like it that way. I just wish them the best from afar and keep it pushing once I’ve healed from the situation. Regardless of the choices you make in relation to your own situations, just make sure that you’re doing it for yourself and not out of consideration for the other person.

18. Understand that your ~*purpose(s)*~ may take time to become clear.

Bare in mind, this is coming from someone that still has no idea what the f*ck she wants to do with her life. Honestly, every year around my birthday I try to figure out why I’m even on this planet - and every year I think I have the answer before life comes and humbles me again.

While I’m not particularly interested in getting into existential questions regarding if life even has a purpose, I will say this - just keep doing your thing. Stay in tune with your emotional, spiritual and mental health so you can determine whether or not you feel you’re on the correct path for you. If you’re anything like me, you will feel in your heart when you’re not where you’re meant to be, regardless of if it’s a job, a new activity you’re trying out or even a relationship. If your gut feeling is telling you that something isn’t for you - don’t ignore it. Eventually you should get a fair gist of where you should be going and what you should be doing - even if the actual purpose in itself doesn’t become apparent until much later. 

Or at least, this is what my theory is. As I said, I have no clue. But this is what I’m doing and it’s definitely been working.

19. Don’t feel forced to have a detailed life plan.

Don’t get me wrong here - having goals, plans and aspirations is extremely important. However, having your whole life planned to the minute just isn’t realistic. I have written about how I used to be extremely adamant on being in control of every single situation, and would have a minor (major) breakdown whenever plans changed in a way that I couldn’t affect.

Having a nervy b everytime something doesn’t work out in your favour is obviously a very counterproductive (and hella childish) coping mechanism - if you can even call it that. Nowadays, I just try to stay as open minded and flexible as possible whenever life feels like throwing me one of its cute little curveballs, so I can try my best to adapt to the situation and keep moving forward, as opposed to throwing all my toys out of the pram like a spoilt brat whenever a minor obstacle to my plans presents itself.

What’s more is that having a rigid life plan with hard deadlines for when you should’ve accomplished certain things leads to - in my experience - another unnecessary reason to start criticising yourself, which we at this point know is a waste of time, energy and just bad vibes in general.

Just relax. Honestly. You’re doing great, regardless of if you’re exactly where you want to be or not. 

20. Put yourself first. Always.

I’ve touched on this multiple times in this post already, but I definitely feel like it deserves its own point. I also want to direct this specifically to women - although some of the gems of wisdom I’m about to drop can be applied to men too, I assume. I don’t really care if they don’t though, to be honest - everything else in this world is already for them, so I’m sure reading something that isn’t won’t kill them.

Sis. I know you are exhausted from being strong all the time - yet here you are, still standing and still fighting. For what it’s worth, know that whoever and wherever you are - I am extremely proud of you for constantly picking yourself up and dusting yourself off every time you are mistreated, disrespected and/or taken for granted.

But it shouldn’t be like that.

You may have been taught early in life to always put your own health, happiness, dreams and wellbeing to the side when needed to accommodate and support others - because that’s what women are mEaNt To Do. But this is so inherently f*cked up, wrong and unfair - it genuinely pisses me off whenever I think about it because it literally makes zero sense to me. It reinforces the notion that we only exist to serve, protect, help and satisfy others needs - whether it be in a family setting, at work or in relationships… almost as if we aren’t human beings with feelings.

Yeah… f*ck that. Call it tough love, but I really need you to grow a back bone right now. Too many times have I personally felt/heard about us feeling the need to bend over backwards for people that do nothing to help or protect us from the pains that life can bring, so clearly you need to be there for your own damn self. Think about it - that ex/potential/fwb/mcm that you’ve spent so many sleepless nights obsessing, crying and worrying about, and that you tried so hard to keep satisfied to the point of mental, emotional and physical exhaustion - where are they now? Living rent free in your head and almost definitely not thinking about you.

Yes, I am a little heated. Yes, I am projecting. And yes, if I ever catch you placing a mans needs and feelings over your own, you will catch these hands because clearly you haven’t been listening.

All jokes aside and as cheesy as it sounds - you are a queen, and I need you to step into your power right now. I want so much better for you, and you can’t get better until you fix your priorities. Your focus should always be on protecting your heart and mental/spiritual health - regardless of the situation you find yourself in. It is 100% possible to nurture and care for others without giving up your sense of self and power, so please, please, please find a balance that empowers and benefits you, and you alone. 

21. Learn how to practice detachment.

I have plans to write a post about this in depth in the near future, so I won’t delve too deep into it here. In short, detachment refers to the practice of severing ties to people, feelings and memories that may have meant a lot to you for a long time and had a major impact on your life, but that you now realise are toxic and are holding you back from moving forward and growing as a person. Essentially, it is all about forgiving, forgetting, letting go and moving on from whatever hurt that may still be lingering long after the situation is over - and never bringing it up again.

Sounds great right?

Wrong. Detachment f*cking sucks - but it is extremely important. As I’ve mentioned earlier, I naturally hate giving up on people and I tend to obsessively reflect on past situations. I try to convince myself that all this reflecting and overthinking is helping me heal - which it has, to a certain degree - but the honest truth is that it takes up a lot of time in the present. It’s emotionally exhausting and time consuming. Detachment, on the other hand, basically forces you to not even acknowledge the past pain and hurt someone has caused you, and placing all your focus on the present and the future… so this is naturally a very hard task for me. 

With that being said, it’s pretty obvious that it’s not going to be easy for anybody. Reaching a level of emotional maturity in which you can completely disregard the pain someone that meant a lot to you has caused you really sounded impossible to me at first - especially mixed with the complicated feeling of not wanting to “abandon” the person that hurt you. But I’ve been working on this very hard during the lockdown, and I can confirm that after doing it for a while you begin to realise that the situation's power over you is entirely determined by the importance you attach to it. Once you learn how to remove that importance and your emotions from the equation, you’re one step closer to being able to truly move on.

Anyways. Stay tuned for a post about this because there is a lot to unpack.

22. Don’t be afraid to ask for help.

This is another one I struggle with a lot, because who wants to feel like a weak-ass b*tch who can’t manage on her own? Not I, said the cat.

All jokes aside, I think many of us can relate to not wanting to bUrDeN our friends and family with our struggles and problems, simply because we’re now at an age where everyone has their own lives to tend to and figure out. No one wants to feel like they’re being annoying, or feel stupid and paranoid about being judged because they can’t figure their own sh*t out (more projection for ya!). 

I’ve really been working hard to get rid of the notion that asking for help has anything to do with intelligence or capability, but it’s very difficult to do so when you’ve been raised in an environment where admitting that you can’t manage to do something alone was often equated with not trying hard enough, or not being smart enough. Asking for help was seen as a weakness and a last resort, and I’d often feel ashamed to admit that I was struggling with something.

The funny thing is that while I apply all these rules about not burdening/disturbing people with my problems to myself, I’d literally drop everything in a nanosecond to help a friend out if I could. I’ve noticed this a lot with my friends, too - we’re reluctant to ask for help, but always there for each other if needed. This if anything proves that the fear of being judged/annoying is all in our heads, and that we should be kind enough to ourselves to allow ourselves to be helped from time to time. Yes, everyone wants to be that superwoman/man that has all their sh*t together - but the reality is that we are all human, and life can be very brutal at times. Surrounding yourself with people that care about you and want to see you win is key - and although allowing yourself to lean on someone else from time to time might take a little (a lot) of pride-swallowing, I promise that you will feel better once you’ve shared the load of your problems.

23. Don’t let past experiences poison current friendships.

This is quite possibly the biggest challenge for me right now, and I’m literally only just beginning to get better at this. I’ve mentioned multiple times that my overly empathetic and accommodating personality has attracted a lot of sh*tty “friends” over the years, and for the longest time I blamed myself and thought there was something wrong with me for constantly allowing people to treat me so poorly. As a result of this, I developed hella trust and abandonment issues.

I genuinely didn’t even realise how much these experiences had f*cked me up until I started taking my mental health seriously, and realised how much I had closed myself off emotionally to protect myself. I also realised that I - very unfairly - projected my trust issues onto people in my life that have done nothing but be kind and caring towards me, simply because I allowed myself to be so blinded by the past and assumed that they would do me the same way. I’m honestly just grateful that my closest friends could see through the front I put up and didn’t give up on me, because whew… they really didn’t need to.

The point I’m trying to make is that while it’s very natural to be afraid of being hurt, betrayed and disappointed again, you can’t live your life thinking that everyone is against you - simply because it isn’t true. Yes, it’s very hard to rebuild your trust and confidence in people again... but going through life being paranoid that everyone is against you is just setting yourself up for loneliness and bitterness, and we don’t want that. Again, what’s worked best for me here is working on detachment from the past, and learning to not feed into the feelings of paranoia that arise from time to time. It will take time, but you definitely owe it to yourself to allow good people into your life properly.

24. Step out of your comfort zone more often and just have fun.

Let me be very clear and say that I’m not encouraging anyone to jump out of an airplane - although that would definitely be a massive step outside of anyone's comfort zone. But what’s life without a little thrill? 

Regardless of if it’s as extreme as launching yourself off a cliff and placing all your trust in a flimsy elastic band, or as simple as just trying a new activity or restaurant, life becomes so much richer and more fun when you do something you wouldn’t normally do. It genuinely nourishes and stimulates your right brain - which for me is a much welcomed break from life having to be so f*cking serious all the time. 

It also boosts your confidence to try even more new things, and that’s when life starts to get a bit more interesting. Live it up, b*tch!

25. Make happiness your priority.

Right, so I appreciate that not everyone will agree with this - and that’s okay. You’re entitled to your wrong opinion. I’ve been very open about the mental health struggles I’ve had since my teens, and about the various unhealthy coping methods I’ve tried to deal with it. However, I’ve found that the best way of coping is very simple:

Just do what makes you happy.

Honestly, it’s that easy. A lot of people - myself in the past included - feel a lot of pressure to give their life meaning and purpose by using something outside of themselves to define them as a person. When I was younger that thing was sports, and after uni I thought I’d find happiness from pursuing the career I thought that I wanted. However, I realised a couple years ago that attaching the concept of happiness to an external factor will constantly just make you feel like it’s just beyond your reach - and when you finally reach the goal that you swore would make your life happy and fulfilled, you’re just left with an underwhelming feeling of “...is this it? Surely there must be more to life than this?”

For this reason, I wholeheartedly believe that true happiness stems from inner peace, accepting the past and simply just pursuing things in life that sits right with your mental health and spirit. Building happiness from within sets you up to be confident that you will be fine no matter what life throws at you, and will make you truly unf*ckwithable. 

With that being said, I fully understand how it can be easy to equate our obsession with reaching career/life/relationship/fitness/etc goals to happiness, but let’s say for argument's sake that you do reach every single of your goals that you think will bring you joy. When the pride and elation of accomplishing these goals wears off, are you genuinely happy? Or do you realise that your inner battles are still there, and that the part of your brain that was so focused on accomplishing this goal now just feels… empty and idle?

Okay, so that got a little depressing - but these are questions that I highly recommend you ask yourself. Chances are that you realise that while having goals and ambitions are important, they’re all air if you’re not genuinely happy on the inside. 

If there was a one-size-fits-all path to happiness, I would share it here. But unfortunately, the path to happiness is highly personal - only you can determine what will bring you inner peace and alignment. Personally, I started with reconnecting with my childhood self to remind myself what made me feel happy before life started getting serious, and went from there - maybe that could work for you, too.

26. Understand that everything will fall into place at the time it’s meant to.

I put this one at the end because I feel that it summarises all points very nice-like. It’s extremely easy to get caught up in how you think life is supposed to be like at this age, and even easier to fall into a depressed state when you deep how far away from this ideal you might be. As someone that has had the importance of an established career, rigid life goals and living up to others’ expectations rammed down my throat at a young age, I’ve always had this unsettling feeling that I’m running out of time to accomplish what I need to accomplish in this life - and I’m only 26.

What’s helped me a lot with this unsettling feeling is taking time to ground myself, take a deep breath and reflect on how far I’ve come, as opposed to how far I still have to go. I also force myself to remember that as long as I’m constantly in tune with myself and gently pushing myself to evolve and mature, I’m already winning.

You will find happiness. You will find love. You will reach every single goal that you’ve set for yourself. You will overcome whatever internal battle you’re currently fighting. You will feel like yourself again. You will receive every single blessing you’re waiting for - as long as you’re willing to put in the work and understand what is right for you and your mental/emotional/spiritual health. 

It may take longer than you want it to, but it’s important to remember to enjoy the journey and learn from your mistakes. As uncomfortable as it may be to accept that no amount of control and planning can predict life’s twists and turns, allowing yourself to trust that the universe will give you everything you need at the right time is extremely empowering and calming. 

Keep doing your thing, and you will reap the rewards in due time.

So, there you have it. If you read the entire post from start to finish, you deserve all the accolades because at the time of posting this, even I haven’t read it all in one go. I hope that you found something that resonated with you and will help you navigate through the f*ckeries in this life easier than before.

Anyways. Happy belated birthday to me, I guess. I can’t wait to never do a post like this again!

Love,

Liv

#selfhelp #opinions #Empowerment #selflove

[tonguetiedmag]

Anger in Female Literature

When you think of a woman consumed by fury, what do you think of? Is it the classical Greco-Roman representation of a woman scorned: Medea, Electra, and Medusa – tales of anger and revenge; or is it the modern-day stories of hard-bodied feminism and black widows – North Country (2005), If These Walls Could Talk (1996), Gone Girl (2014), or A Woman Scorned (2000)? It seems, historically, that if a man is furious, it is righteous fury, or biblical fury. Its violence is synonymous with justice and honesty, and if not at all times justifiable, it is always forgivable. The story of the angry man is not one of destruction, but one of rebirth. Women’s anger bears an entirely different image: the picture of the screaming woman, her anger neither acceptable nor forgivable. It is not a story of redemption, but a story of self-destruction; a story of women who choose a darker path, and never recover themselves. They, in a way, become less stories about angry women than they do about women stricken by madness – so unspeakable to society was the idea that women could be angry that they found it more acceptable that women simply sink into depression or insanity, such as the stories of Calypso and Ophelia. Today, society’s acceptance of women’s anger is slowly growing, but it is an agonizingly slow process. The image of the Victorian woman is a hard one to break free of, it seems – the soft woman sitting at home, accepting of what is given to her and taken from her, pliable and subservient. This is not a question of individual choice, but of social freedom. Even when accepted by popular society, it is an even smaller margin that accepts ugly female anger – the kind that cannot be fixed by a gentle word, or a man’s touch, the kind of emotion that almost transcends anger and moves to rage, a scream that refuses to be quieted. When we read of anger like this, we find it ugly and unpalatable – which bears the question: why do we accept it out of men, and not out of women? A passage by Ana Božičević, from her poem “Casual Elegy for Luka Skračić,” puts this in clearer words than I ever could with only two lines:

“I want to be the kind of monster you / don’t want to fuck—”

Alice Sebold put this a slightly different way, in her novel Lucky:

“I’ve always hated it in movies and plays, the woman who is ripped open by violence and then asked to parcel out redemption for the rest of her life.”

Today, three prolific female poets have agreed to share their viewpoints on the idea of female anger in literature – their own acceptance of it, other peoples return of it, and how it has helped to shape their work. The idea of this article is to disavow the idea of anger-versus-femininity, the reclaiming (or, in some instances, claiming for the first time) of female individuality and power through their anger, and to make anger acceptable simply because it is felt. When asked whether she personally believed that anger had a place in that reclaiming of power, especially in regards to her poems (THE SERPENT NEVER ASKED TO BE BORN A SERPENT; GIRL says: I AM MY OWN TRAGEDY; and TELL EVERYONE, OR ARE YOU TOO AFRAID TO?), poet Laetitia Keok replied:

“I guess anger has always had a place in my writing, especially in those pieces. I’ve felt very strongly about the powerlessness of women, and how we are often rendered helpless. The idea of women reclaiming what should be theirs, comes from anger, it comes from a deep-rooted tiredness of having settled for less, and still that is not enough, but we have had enough. These pieces are about fighting back. Anger definitely has a place in all of that.”

One of Laetitia’s most heart-wrenching pieces of writing comes from her poem “I AM MEANT FOR MORE”:

“WHY CAN’T YOU BE A LITTLE MORE

POETIC AND SOUND

A LITTLE LESS LIKE YOU’RE SCREAMING?

POETRY IS MEANT TO BE

SACRED GROUND AND NOT A

SLAUGHTERHOUSE.”

When asked if her feelings had changed in the years since she wrote that piece, she replied:

“It has definitely changed. I wrote this poem at a point where I absolutely hated my writing. I was very angry about a lot of things and I hated how that showed through in my writing. So I tried to hide the anger in corners only to have it lunge and claw at me from the shadows. I wrote this piece while I was struggling between who I was and who I wanted to be, what my writing was about and what I wanted it to be about. I felt that anger in poetry was inappropriate. A lot has changed since then, I’ve learned that poetry is anything we want it to be, however angry and however fist clenching. And I’ve learned to weave my anger into my work and that has healed wounds I never thought would heal. So I’d like to make an amendment to this piece: POETRY IS BOTH SACRED GROUND AND SLAUGHTERHOUSE.

Laetitia Keok is both a brilliant poet and a talented writer – author of her poetry collection titled Eleven Twelve. Her poetry is savage and authentic. It isn’t until you speak to her that you understand that all that anger exists beside a wonderful kindness. When asked “If you could speak out to young, female writers that are afraid to channel their anger into their own writing, what would you say?” she said:

“Please don’t ever be afraid, and everyone looks at anger like its a wild animal on the loose, and it’s not, it’s a feeling and it is as valid and as important as any other. You are allowed to be angry, and you are allowed to make art about it, so make art. Make messy, angry art. Write like it’s reopening new wounds, write in capitals, write like you're screaming, be loud about it. Anger is so so powerful, embrace it and let it be your voice. Use that anger, use your rage and make something raw and real and honest out of it. It’ll heal whatever needs healing, bare your fangs, take heart, and keep writing.

Emily Palmero is another incredibly accomplished poet, and author of three chapbooks: 2015, NOVEMBER, and From Between Lyre Strings. Many of her poems (such as Persephone; The Stare Down, The Stone Cold Stuff; and I Wanted to Tell You That I Hate You, But I Wrote This Poem Instead), deal with anger and redemption as it has to do with women. Asked whether she believes anger is important for the reclaiming of female individuality and power, she replied:

“I think anger absolutely has a place in that. The fact that individuality and power has become something that women must reclaim because they are not granted these things in the world [we live in] is infuriating. On a personal level, many of [my] poems, especially lately have been dealing with the fact that I was sexually assaulted when I was 18, and I went from feeling invincible and safe to helpless, and that loss—of safety, of always feeling like someone is hanging over my shoulder, of fearing anything that draws attention to myself—is a massive source of anger for me, and when I consider that so many women have it so much worse than I do and have been treated in the most inhumane ways, I can only deal with that fury by writing it down and hope that other people can relate and share in these feelings and feel like they’re not alone.”

Despite the anger with which Emily Palmero writes, her initial and resounding message to female poets is one of hope. Not only hope, but of strength, resolution, ambition, and pride:

“For me, at least, writing is a coping mechanism, a way to take apart these things that have happened to me and turn the individual parts of them over and over in my hands. And so often, this process includes this anger that I cannot express all the time, anger that gets denounced as hysteria or irrationality—anger that I am not allowed to own. As a woman, my anger is not allowed to exist as a pure emotion; it is rewritten and invalidated by a world that refuses to take my pain seriously. In poetry, however, I get to put that anger into words without any interference; I can write about everything in a pure, unadulterated way, in a way that allows me to experience the entire spectrum of emotions that weaves itself into the very core of our humanity.”

After reading this message, I was drawn to ask the question: Why do you feel it is that so many people are quick to invalidate female anger? Do you have any thoughts on how to change this? To which she explained:

“Such a long history exists that associates women’s emotions with a hysteria that is so easily invalidated, and I think those that dominate society fear above all things the loss of control. And female anger has the power to destabilize, to revolutionize, to change, and by writing it off as something excessive, this change can be delayed. Because of the history, because of this invalidating of female anger that’s occurred for centuries, the only way to change this [is] through rewriting the world that we live in, and it will be difficult and it will require all of us and it will be worth it.

Breanna Schurr was the author of a collection of poetry titled Stone Woman, Stone Bird which was self-published in 2014, but quickly retracted from the internet. She stated that “The amount of backlash I received for my poetry was overwhelming for me at the time. I am certain I will be publishing again, but my mental state comes before anything.” Breanna wrote primarily about the anger she felt toward the men in her life – mostly their refusal to stand up for what they knew to be right – and her deep-rooted distrust of kindness from men. This is an excerpt from her poem “Sex Appeal”:

“I go now from the harbor of a strangers arms,

still anchored to the docks,

when I leave - he tears parts off of me,

when I speak: I speak through the splinters,

YOU THINK you will silence me?

I have tamed worse waters than these,

YOU THINK a man is ready to part the ocean,

I am a salt-water woman,

and if you choose to enter me without

my permission: you choose to be drowned.”

Unfortunately, not all people agree with women allowing anger into their writing. All three of the poets above were asked, if they could say anything to the people who attempt to hinder and undermine the movement, who do not want women to be outspoken, who do not believe anger is appropriate in female literature – what would they say? These were their replies:

“It takes so much courage to channel anger into our art, to bare our wounds to the world. We have had so much taken from us. You are not to reduce us to whispers and curtsies, you are not to take our anger away from us. It is the only way we know how to survive.”

- Laetitia Keok

“Honestly, fuck those people. Or in more polite terms, I would hope that they could find the humanity to stop treating women as one-sided dolls that are meant for their pleasure and therefore, incapable of experiencing anything beyond a sense of apathetic placidity. Women are so goddamn creative and powerful, and the attempts to stunt that do more harm to our world as a whole in the long run.”

- Emily Palmero

“I want them to know that I will remain standing. Men have been trying my entire life not to allow me off of my knees, and it took me years to find my feet. Now that I have, there is not a single person on earth that can bring me back down. To the women, and men, who helped lift me up: thank you, thank you, thank you. To the people who have told me to “back to my place”, and “speak more carefully”

... fuck you. My uprising is not your downfall. Your ignorance is.”

- Breanna Schurr

This article, though is remains at the base about anger, is also about change. Much like the female poets featured in it, though the words may speak angrily, they have hope. They carry a message of amendment, of apology, and of optimism. Speaking to female poets about this project, I have personally seen so much passion and excitement – not only from the poets interviewed, but by women around me. I want, above all, this to be a message of support; of validation, comfort, and encouragement. Write with anger, write in a way that touches people, write in a way that is uniquely you – with all of your fire, and all of your rage. Mary Elizabeth Williams, staff writer for Salon and the author of A Series of Catastrophes & Miracles, stated: “... writers need to talk to each other.” Not just writers. All of us. Men, women, dark, light, gay, straight. We need to talk to each other. We have so much to say. [...] your struggle may not be my struggle. But your dignity is my concern.” 

And every word of what she said is true – this is a women’s issue, but it is not a burden for women to work through alone. Hugo Schwyzer, Pasadena City College professor and active feminist, said: “Men are afraid of women’s anger. It’s very hard for men to stand up to women’s anger.” - but we should not be afraid of it any more than we are afraid of our own anger. Men should not be standing up against women’s anger, but standing up for it. Now, more than ever, is when female poets and writers need our support. We are working toward something great, and together, our greatness is boundless.

I would like to give one last thanks to Laetitia Keok, Emily Palmero, and Breanna Schurr for their insight and openness with me while I was writing this article. Each one is an incredible poet in their own right. Their words forever change those who read them – thank you. If you would like to view their full works, they can be found at:

Laetitia Keok: softstained.tumblr.com

Emily Palmero: starredsoul.tumblr.com

Breanna Schurr: Not Currently Online

Article by: Isaak Frank

#Isaak Frank #interview #Laetitia Keok #Emily Palmero #Breanna Schurr #lit #Anger in Female Literature #female poets

[leranwaltr-blog]

How to make money like a bank and retain control of it

How to make money like a bank

Would you and maybe some people you know want to grow your money by over 20% on a monthly basis, all while you keep control of it? That question is a genuine attention getter and no surprise because this financial publishing company has numerous solid and proven ways of growing and protecting your money. These are the two key primary foundations they have carefully built everything on. They also never touch any members money at all, you constantly have control.   Now they have actually simply introduced what is surely the most significant chance in the history of MLM, and that is not hype as you will see. You are in the best place at the right time, to profit the most from this. Essentially its an automated Forex product that gives life altering, compounding day-to-day returns. This was formerly just available to institutional level traders, and now this company has actually managed to secure exclusive rights and developed a partnership that is a real game changer. 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You’ll see below the email template that was talked about in the video How to Make Money like a bank and maintain control of it. ==================== Hi. Heads up team! Unifii has completely altered the game over night for those looking for their lucky break to get very sizeable returns, legally and fairly. They just got an exclusive deal to bring us institutional level Forex trading with 20 – 30%+ returns per month, and they made it EASY for everyone. If you live outside the USA, Canada and North Korea, you can literally have a specialist team do the trading for you and you have access to this, beginning with very little capital needed. If you happen to live in the United States or Canada they have a solution for you, although it can't be totally hands free. However it is as easy as it needs to be to cash in. 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Understanding How to make money like a bank and retain control of it can empower you and your family for numerous generations to come. The opportunity before you here by this company is amazing as they have offered up the complete package.   You get a top tier education by learning the principals of compounding and leverage, exactly what all of the big banks and financial institutions use to make their money. You will have the perfect vehicle for taking maximum advantage of these principals in the Premium forex trading service. This has and never will be made available to the general public.

#how #to #make #money #like #a #bank

[ilhadehsoll-blog]

Make money like a bank

Make money like a bank

Would you and maybe some people you know wish to grow your money by 20% or more each month, all while you preserve control of it? That question is a real attention getter and not surprising due to the fact that this financial publishing business has several solid and tested methods of growing and safeguarding your money. These are the two essential principal foundations they have carefully developed everything around. They also have often stated they will never touch any members money at all, you constantly have control.   Now they have simply presented what is surely the most significant opportunity in the history of MLM, which is not hyping it up at all as you will see. You happen to be in the best place at the right time, to take full advantage of this. Essentially its an automated Forex item that offers life altering, compounding day-to-day returns. This was previously just offered to institutional level traders, and now this company has actually secured exclusive rights and developed a partnership that is a real game changer. Not only will this permit all members to develop a sizeable compounding income, it will likewise function as a huge lead magnet, bringing in others to the system too. Pretty soon all members will have their own duplicate promotional website which discusses this remarkable Forex product and income earning opportunity for brand-new prospects. This website will also guide them right through to how to get registered. It will do the majority of the work in building a group under you in a currently very profitable matrix system. This of course is going to be a huge relief to those who perhaps don’t have a lot of experience at marketing. All you have to do right now is very simple. Take a look at the videos you see here on this post and read through the other key info. If you like what you see (and why wouldn't you?) and wish to know more, the best thing to do is sign up in the Facebook group. You can do this through the details offered below. It is all obligation free to come in and discover more in a handy and friendly environment, where many people will be happy to share information and address any concerns you might have. In this video, the team leader speaks about a life changing financial opportunity where you can find out How to Make money like a bank while always keeping control of it. He explains how the banks are doing it and gives examples that clearly reveal why this must be examined. He mentions such important topics like leverage and compounding and why it deserves some of your time to check it out. It is most likely one of the most important lessons you could learn to help you build substantial residual wealth. It definitely should not be taken lightly. As Albert Einstein famously said 'compounding interest is the eighth wonder of the world. He who understands it, earns it. He who does not, pays it'. Unifii presentation November 2018 with major updates. Presented by John Kinnear and Shane Carling. Here are the key points in this remarkable opportunity. 1. Access to Daily Forex signals plus a totally automated* Forex product (PAMM) that gives life altering, compounded daily returns ( *semi-automated only for U.S.A. and Canada following local laws - in all other nations it can be entirely automated with the PAMM system. There is complete training and an easy solution for USA/Canada members that will possibly allow them to earn a lot more). 2. The results from trading are 3rd party validated. So no matter how incredible the results might appear to be, they are 100% correct! The CEO is normally a very conservative and down to earth sort of guy when providing statistics and information. You can see he is really a bit uneasy about having a compounding calculator and showing the results, due to the fact that the returns are so big! But of course the maths doesn’t lie. 3. The Institutional trading partners are providing extremely safe, constant returns long term. They are very conservative in their approach however have been doing this long enough now to understand when to make the most of specific opportunities when they show themselves. They already trade 100's of millions dollars for clients, so their vast experience without a doubt. 4. The Forex market is worth around $5.3 Trillion daily. The massive liquidity in the market ensures sustainability of income and ease of money movement. 5. With this great opportunity, the company never ever touches members money or makes commissions in any way on their earnings. Members money is one hundred percent safe and accessible to them at all times in their own protected, regulated broker account with a multi award winning broker. 6. Joining this new Forex (FX) product with one of the best pay out plans in the market, and their other Crypto signals that are also earning members considerable returns, and it really does not get any better than this! They have just completed an upgrade to the pay structure too, so now they pay out a lot more money up front and into the matrix incomes for all members. Keep in mind, this new Forex opportunity is going to considerably help grow the members matrix earning capability because many people are interested in the FX market and want an easy, accessible way in. So be in no doubt people. This is most likely the greatest financial opportunity of the year and more than likely in the history of MLM and you are in exactly the perfect place at the right time. It truly does not get any better than what you have here! Even starting with relatively smallish amounts can amount to eye opening numbers quite rapidlyspeedily when compounding is at work. Banks understand this and constantly take full advantage of it. Now we have a game changing possibility to take advantage of this too with this exciting brand-new exclusive opportunity. It shouldn’t be only the greedy Banks that make heaps from this, right? This intro video above offers a brief view into some important aspects and prepares you for the main presentation which is very in depth and covers whatever you need to know. You will appreciate the two primary principals which are growing and most importantly, protecting your wealth. A major part of what they have to share is about empowering individuals through helping to inform them and enabling them to raise their monetary IQ. Understanding is power and we are all able to find out a lot through what is offered from the leaders, online in the backoffice resources such as in the Prosperity U (university) section and also from the supportive group in the Facebook support group. The FB group is a fantastic environment to get your bearings, address any concerns or ask questions, discover up to date information and see informative and helpful posts and videos from active and friendly people. Below is the email template discussed in the video How to Make Money like a bank and retain control of it. ==================== Hello. Heads up! Unifii has just changed the game overnight for those looking for their lucky break to get quite sizeable returns, lawfully and ethically. They have just got a unique deal to bring us institutional level Forex trading with 20 to 30%+ returns monthly, and they made it really easy for everyone in the process. If you happen to live outside of the United States, Canada and North Korea, you can literally have a specialist group take care of the trading for you and you have access to this, beginning with not a lot of capital needed. If you live in the U.S.A or Canada they have an option for you, although it can't be totally hands free. But it's as simple as it could possibly need to be to be able to cash in. Here are the videos - How to make money like a bank and maintain control of it. https: //youtu.be/cN4YOQxIa_4 Unifii Presentation November 2018 With Major Updates. With John kinnear and Shane C with John Kinnear and Shane C. https: //youtu.be/53u7jflDUQg. This is a gamechanger for you and your family. Don't miss out on this opportunity! Your Name. ============= Now you have access to what some are calling a real game changer. The addition of a brand-new exclusive Forex product contributes to the currently outstanding lineup of financial and educational items this financial publishing company has to offer. You have absolutely nothing to lose and everything to gain simply by doing one easy thing. Join us in the Facebook group where you will not be pushed at all, but you will be educated and pleasantly surprised. I am certain that when you see and understand more about all of this, you too will realize it is the only place you have to be to make considerable online income (and safeguard it). Understanding how to make money like a bank and retain control of it can empower you and all of your family for many generations to come. The opportunity before you here by this company is amazing as they are offering the complete package.   You will get a top tier education by learning the principals of compounding and leverage, exactly what all of the big banks use to make their money. You get the perfect tool for taking full advantage of these principals in the Premium forex trading service. This has and never will be made available to the general public.

#how #to #make #money #like #a #bank

[sarahburness]

We Keep Going, One Tiny Step at a Time, and We Should Be Proud

“Don’t wait until you reach your goal to be proud of yourself. Be proud of every step you take.” ~Karen Salmansohn

One of the greatest ironies of being human is that we’re often hardest on ourselves right when we should be most proud.

Let’s say you finally find the courage to start a dream project you’ve fantasized about for as long as you can remember. You push through years of built-up fears, overcome massive internal resistance, and take the leap despite feeling like you’re jumping through a ring of fire, above a pit filled with burning acid.

It’s one of the most terrifying things you’ve ever done. It dredges up all your deepest insecurities, triggers feelings you’d rather stuff down and ignore, and brings you face to face with the most fragile, vulnerable parts of yourself.

The fact that you’re even willing to take this risk is huge. Monumental, really. Just getting on this long, winding path is an accomplishment worth acknowledging and celebrating. Most people avoid it. They do what they’ve always done and remain stuck in discontent, wishing they could know a life less limited.

But you? You’re trying. You’re taking a chance at being who you could be, knowing full well there are no guarantees. You’re a f*cking rockstar. A total badass for giving this a go. But you likely don’t see it that way.

You likely think you’re not doing enough, or doing it fast enough, or doing it well enough for it to count. You might get down on yourself for not learning more quickly, or having a perfectly honed vision and plan from the start.

Instead of giving yourself credit for every inch you move forward, you might beat yourself up for not leaping a mile.

Or maybe you’re not pursuing a dream for the future. Maybe you’re facing a pain from the past.

Let’s say you’re finally leaning into your anxiety or depression instead of numbing your feelings with booze, food, or any other distraction. Perhaps you’re in therapy, even, trying to get to the root of your complex feelings and heal wounds that have festered, untended, for years.

It’s intense, draining work that few can understand because there’s no visible representation of just how deep your pain goes. No way to fully explain how tough it is to face it. No way to show how hard you’re trying, every day, to fight a darkness that seems determined to consume you. So on top of being emotionally exhausted, you quite frequently feel alone.

Just acknowledging the pain beneath the mental and emotional symptoms is an act of immense bravery. And allowing yourself to face it, however and whenever you can—well let’s just say they should give out medals for this kind of thing. You’re a f*cking hero. A total badass for doing the work to save yourself. But you probably don’t see it that way.

You might think you aren’t making progress fast enough. Or you’re weak for having these struggles to begin with. Or you suck at life because sometimes you fall back into old patterns, even though on many other occasions, you don’t.

Instead of giving yourself credit for every small win, you might beat yourself up for being a failure. As if nothing you do is good enough, and you’ll never be good enough, because you’re not perfect right now.

Because if it’s not all happening right now—the healing, the growth, the progress—it’s easy to fear it never will. And it will be all your fault.

If it seems like I’m speaking from personal experience, that’s because I am.

I followed a decade of depression and bulimia with years of self-flagellation for not healing overnight and magically morphing into someone far less fragile.

I responded to childhood trauma by abusing myself for acting insecure and emotionally unstable, even when I was actively trying to learn better ways to live and cope.

And I crucified myself for every cigarette and shot when I was trying to quit smoking and binge drinking, even though I quite frequently went long stretches of time without doing anything self-destructive.

Through all this internal whip cracking, I consistently reinforced to myself that I was weak for not changing overnight when really I should have acknowledged I was strong for making any progress at all.

It was like I was watching myself treading water, with broken limbs, while screaming at myself to hurry up and get stronger instead of throwing myself the rope of my own self-encouragement.

In retrospect, this makes sense. This is how most of us learn growing up—not through validation but punishment. We far more often hear about what we’re doing wrong than what we’re doing right. So instead of supporting ourselves through our deepest struggles, we berate ourselves for even having them.

Though I’ve made tremendous progress with this over the years, and I’m no longer in crisis, I still find myself expecting instant perfection at times.

I’m currently pushing myself far beyond the edge of my comfort zone—so far I can’t even see it from where I’m precariously floating.

I’m writing more here on the site after years of working through an identity crisis I’ve never publicly discussed.

I’m trying to get funding for a feature film I wrote, with themes that are deeply personal to me, knowing the “low budget” is still no easy amount to raise, and I might fail spectacularly.

I’m working on multiple new projects with third party companies—something I’ve avoided in the past because I’m a control freak who doesn’t easily trust others to take the reins.

And I’m doing it all while pregnant—six and a half months to be exact—at almost forty years old. So on top of all the usual fears that accompany big risks and changes, I’m juggling your garden-variety new parent concerns, with a few geriatric-pregnancy-related worries for good measure. (Yes, geriatric. My uterus could be a grandmother!)

I’m pushing myself into a new league, far outside my little work-from-home introvert bubble, while frequently feeling both physically and emotionally exhausted. I’m finally giving myself the leeway to evolve after years of saying I wanted to grow but refusing to let go of my comfort to enable it. And really, I should be proud.

Every time I take a meeting when I’d rather do only what I can accomplish myself, every time I send an email for a new opportunity when it would be easier to passively wait for whatever comes to me, every time I push myself to be the brave, fulfilled person I want to be for both me and my son, I should throw myself an internal parade. A festival complete with a float in my own image and endless flutes of the best champagne. (I know, I’m pregnant, but it’s internal, remember? Keep the bubbly flowing!)

But do I do this? To be fair, yes. Sometimes I do. And I’m proud of myself for that. I’ve come a long way from the self-abusive girl who only knew to motivate with intimidation and fear.

But other times I can be pretty hard on myself. It’s like I have this vision of how this should all work, and when, and I blame myself if I can’t meet my rigid expectations on my ideal timeline.

I don’t always step back and see the big picture: That there are many external factors I can’t control, and I need to be adaptable to deal with them. That it’s hard to learn new things, and no amount of willpower or dedication can make the process instant. That some things simply take time, and this isn’t a reflection of my worth or my effort.

I get impatient. I get frustrated. I get anxious and resistant.

And really it all comes down to attachment. I resist this slow, uncertain process, and bully myself into making things happen more quickly, because I want these things so bad I can taste them, and I fear they may never happen at all.

I want the freedom these new opportunities could provide. I want the creative fulfillment of bringing my vision to life. I want the things I tell myself I should have made happen years ago, and I want them now so I can focus on the joy of attainment instead of beating myself up for having “wasted time.”

But none of this internal drama is useful or productive, and it certainly does nothing for my motivation or focus. It’s nearly impossible to create from your heart when it’s totally eclipsed by anxiety and fear.

The only way to do anything effectively is to accept where you are, let go of the outcome, and throw yourself into the process.

So going forward, when my mind tries to bully me into doing more than I reasonably can or shame me for my pace or my progress, I’m going to remind myself I’m doing better than I think. We all are. And we all deserve more credit than we likely give ourselves.

We all deserve credit for facing our demons, chasing our dreams, and showing up every day when it would be easier to hide.

We all deserve acknowledgment for every tiny step forward, no matter how slow or timid, because creating change is hard.

We all deserve recognition for the many internal hurdles we overcome, even though they’re not visibly apparent to anyone else, because often they’re harder to tackle than even the most challenging external obstacles.

And we all deserve the peace of knowing that who we are right now is enough. Even if we have room to grow, even if there are things we’d like to achieve, we are good enough just as we are. And it’s okay to be right where we are.

It’s okay to be messy, inconsistent, and not always at our best. It’s okay to feel insecure, unsure, lost, confused, and scared. It’s okay to make massive advances on some days and just get by on others.

Would it be nice if we could instantly transport ourselves to the idealized future we see in our heads? Sure. But that’s not really what it means to “live our best life”—despite what our YOLO-promoting culture would have us believe.

Living our best is embracing what is, while working to create what can be. It’s doing the best we can with what’s in front of us, and accepting that nothing else is guaranteed. Because this is the only moment we know for sure we have.

I don’t know about you, but I don’t want to get to the end of my life and realize I missed most of it because I always felt it needed to be more—and that I needed to be more—to fully appreciate and enjoy what I had while I had it.

So today, I’ve decided to be proud. Of my strength, my efforts, my progress, and the fact that I keep going. Whether I’m wounded, weary, or worried, I keep getting back up. I keep moving forward. I keep evolving. I am doing the best I can. And so are you.

About Lori Deschene

Lori Deschene is the founder of Tiny Buddha. She’s also the author of Tiny Buddha’s Gratitude Journal and other books and co-founder of Recreate Your Life Story, an online course that helps you let go of the past and live a life you love. An avid film lover, she recently finished writing her first feature screenplay and is in pre-production now.

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Get in the conversation! Click here to leave a comment on the site.

The post We Keep Going, One Tiny Step at a Time, and We Should Be Proud appeared first on Tiny Buddha.

from Tiny Buddha https://tinybuddha.com/blog/we-keep-going-and-we-should-be-proud/

[qwloapp]

What You Really Need To Know About Auto Repair

There is nothing quite like the freedom of owning your own vehicle. You have the country as you please. This also means that it may break down at bad times and leave you stranded somewhere. These tips should help to prepare you get back on the road in the least amount of time.

Referrals are a great method for finding a great auto mechanic. Ask the people you know for their recommendations. Ask them how good the work was, how much they were charged, and if they were satisfied. People will let you know how their experience went.

TIP! You car records need to be kept on hand. It is a good idea to leave these in the glove compartment because you never know when your car has to go to the shop suddenly.

This certification guarantees that the mechanic has passed a written test and has over 2 years of experience. This will let you know that the best choice for your automobile.

When visiting a repair shop, be mindful of warning signs that the shop is not a good one. If they avoid your questions or give you the run around, they may not be reliable. Make sure that you trust the person that you are working with.

TIP! Find out how much a mechanic charges for the repair, including labor, before you hand over your keys. Some shops have their rates in conspicuous places, so read carefully and ask questions if you don’t understand something.

Ask questions you may have regarding your car when bringing it in to their shop. Preventing automotive issues with your vehicle is an excellent way to save money during the year.

Find out a little about the car parts you need before you go to a mechanic. Parts have classifications, including salvaged, new, and re-manufactured and reconditioned. New means that the parts were made to meet the standard manufacturer specifications by an independent retailer or the dealer themselves. Used parts that have been made good as new are classified as reconditioned. They may also carry a tag as “rebuilt,” or even “re-manufactured.” “Salvage” refers to used parts that aren’t altered.

TIP! Do not allow anyone to sell you any auto parts that they claim will last a lifetime. This may simply be a money making racket.

You don’t always have to get a mechanic in for simple repairs. There are many things that can do easily. If the job is not too complicated, you might save a bit of money if you make repairs on your own.

It is not uncommon to find out about other problems when collecting a car from a repairer. They do this to make you think you are getting a great deal. Instead of going forward right away, take your time and seek out the best deal you can find.

TIP! If you discover a serious problem on your new car, be sure to contact the manufacturer. It’s possible there’s been a recall on that car, and you might not be the only one having the problem.

You should wash your car to keep the rust away. Rust is an inevitability, but you can slow things down by keeping the car clean. Use a good wax for protecting paint jobs as much as you can.

Take a couple of hours before saying yes to repairs from a mechanic. This way you can call other dealerships and garages to verify that you are receiving the best price. Sometimes, you may find a better price and save a lot of money.

TIP! The dealer’s mechanics are expensive but worth it. The dealer mechanics are specialists concerning your type of vehicle.

Look for online reviews of different local auto shops online. This will speak volumes about how the public feels and their skill in solving issues. You can use the information to find a place you’ll feel comfortable spending your business to.

Get a written estimate for anything a mechanic quotes over $200. Getting the estimate in writing can help you if ever you have to complain about the mechanic. The mechanic is also going to be much less likely to take advantage of you.

TIP! Ask questions of your mechanic. You need a thorough understanding of the repair, not just a price quote.

Be careful of a mechanic who will do unnecessary work on your car. A good mechanic will need to be replaced soon but they should not replace the part without your full approval. Don’t return to mechanics who made unneeded repairs.

Go to the same auto repair shop once you find a reliable one. Build a good relationship with a mechanic to ensure you get good work. This may also give you discounts on future jobs.

TIP! Consult with your friends and family about recommending a trustworthy mechanic. Personal experience from someone who has had work done at the shop before is simply the number one way to get good work done.

Look for signs that your mechanic is not as competent as you might hope. If they ignore your questions or talk in circles, they may not be reliable. You want to be able to trust the person doing your repairs, so don’t be afraid to choose another one.

You need to take some time to learn all about your car. An auto mechanic shouldn’t be your only option cor car repair, especially if you know more about your vehicle. You’ll save a great deal of money by doing routine maintenance yourself.

TIP! Make it a habit clean your car mats every time you wash your car. The rubber of the mats makes it easy for dirt to become trapped and create holes.

A spare tire and a jack are essential items to keep in your vehicle all of the time. Many newer cars have these. You would hate to be stuck out in the road and need to pay a lot for towing. It will be quicker and inexpensive to do it yourself.

Don’t be scared when you need to ask a question about car repairs. Understand what will be performed on your car and also the price you will have to pay. Any reputable shop can answer your questions.

TIP! Do not attempt to repair your car or truck without being confidence in your abilities. If you make a mistake, your car’s warranty may not be valid.

A temporary car problem doesn’t have to lead to massive repair bills. You can often take care of the problems by yourself. The information you read in this article will help you to repair your car yourself.

Not all vehicles need oil changes every 3,000 miles. That used to be the case but isn’t the standard anymore. Newer cars don’t require an oil change until 5,000 miles have been reached. Some do not need an oil change for 10,000 miles. Use whatever number the manufacturer recommends.

TIP! Bring your vehicle to a shop immediately if the service engine or check engine light is on. You may not notice anything is wrong, but only a professional will be able to tell you for sure.

Many people are interested in Download the Auto Repair Mobile APP From Play Store , but many also do not have the knowledge necessary on the topic. Luckily, you have found an article that has good information to get you started. All you need to do now is put it into action.

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from Qwlo http://ift.tt/2oAN0WH via QWLO

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#Auto Repair #Auto Repair – QWLO #How to auto repair

[guttermagazine]

Exclusive Jules Valera Interview

I had the chance to sit down with Jules Valera, autobiographical comic artist, caricaturist, illustrator, animation student, writer, event sketcher and all around good egg. I’d been itching for an interview for a while as I find their work deeply inspiring and admire the way that they’re able to work in a wide variety of styles using a plethora of different media.

Hold onto your hats, chaps, this’ll be a good read!

Rebecca

Hey, Jules! Thanks for taking the time to speak to me. So let’s do this. First question! As a comic artist, how do you feel that you are perceived by the people in your life, the general public and other artists?

Jules

People in my life have responded pretty positively to my work as a comic artist. Comics are pretty cool at the moment and most people have some kind of relationship with them in some form.

I think people generally seem to think it’s cool that you can ‘get away’ with doing comics. The downside seems to be that the prevailing perception of comics is still superhero-exclusive.

Other artists I know seem to have a deep respect and hunger for comics. It’s the perfect fusion of things that artists generally love— story and drawings. Most artists I know, even non-comic artists, seem to get a lot of satisfaction out of comics and respect them as a medium.

Rebecca

So how and why did you end up making comics rather than something else?

Jules

I was a big fan of manga when I was growing up, and I’ve always found comics a very natural way of expressing ideas. A friend who happened to be studying comics studies uncovered some of my comics diaries early in my first year of uni and encouraged me to see the merit in continuing. Through him, I developed an interest in comic studies and particularly in graphic medicine (the overlap of comics and the medical humanities) which had a significant influence on my work.

Rebecca

How did your family react when you told them that you were pursuing comics?

Jules

My parents have both always been interested in comics and graphic novels— my mum read Bretécher cartoons as a child, and my dad is a big fan of Joe Sacco (Palestine, Footnotes in Gaza.) They were both supportive and interested from the get-go and have been ever since.

Rebecca

As an artist, do you ever feel apprehensive about sharing your autobio comics with others?

Jules

No— it can be a powerful means of expressing things that are incredibly difficult to communicate otherwise. The spectacle of it- framing real-life events as a narrative with characters- gives both the artist and reader a degree of distance, while the format- using your own words and pictures- allows you to express yourself without restraint, and allows the reader to fully empathise without feeling the need to ‘say the right thing’ or respond appropriately. In creating and sharing an autobiographical comic, you’re saying, “I’m in control of this story, these events, and how I feel about them, and I’m letting you see into my world.”

Rebecca

Do you feel that you have to exaggerate or slightly twist the events in your autobio comics to draw an audience to your work?

Jules

When I make comics based on true events, I try to focus on my own perspective, feelings, and memories, rather than one hundred percent accuracy and objectivity. In the same way as when retelling a good anecdote, I think some things naturally get edited down so that the timing is a little better or a little more convenient. What you end up remembering and recounting is whatever was important at the time.

Rebecca 

Do you feel that comics have to be funny/happy for them to appeal to an audience?

Jules

There’s definitely a market for misery, but I think more than anything else what draws an audience to a comic is relatability. People want to be able to see themselves in comic situations— whether it’s inserting themselves into a superhero narrative, laughing at themselves in a cartoon, or seeing some of their own experiences reflected genuinely in autobio.

Rebecca 

Does the way that you feel about the events depicted in your comic before you draw differ from how you feel after you’ve made and shared the comic?

Jules

Often I find that the process of drawing a comic helps provide some objectivity and perspective on my own feelings. Transforming an event into a narrative problem to be solved has always let me see myself a little better— helps me to understand how I actually felt at the time, and how I feel now.

Rebecca

Do you find making autobio comics therapeutic in any way?

Jules

For me, most of my autobio happens very urgently. The immediacy of drawing a comic often replaces a more self-destructive compulsion, and the emotion that then goes into those drawings and words is often something that I wouldn’t be able to express any other way. I think therapeutic might be the wrong word. If I don’t do the work unravelling issues and coming to terms with them with the help of a therapist then I know I can’t produce anything much of worth (if anything at all)— but comics provide me with context and allow me to see my own feelings objectively, transforming events and emotions into narrative problems to be resolved and presented to an audience in some way.

Rebecca 

In making comics that people are able to relate to and engage with, do you feel as if you’re part of a community?

Jules

I think community can be a bit of a double edged sword. There’s the very immediate satisfaction and sense of validation that comes from people sharing your experiences and relating to your work, which I think is a very good and necessary thing. It comes with the burden of other people’s expectations, however, and I think the particular danger of your work being relatable to many people, especially when you do autobio, is that you become very available to them. I’ve been approached by strangers who felt like they knew me through my work and started very personal, overly familiar conversations with me because of it.

Rebecca 

Autobio comics have been criticised for being too self-indulgent and as being of less worth than a fictional story such as those depicted in graphic novels. What are your thoughts on this?

Jules

I feel strongly that good stories, factual or fictional, always thrive on authenticity, and I believe that authenticity comes from people’s ability to transform their own experiences into a narrative. You don’t need to look far into autobiographical comics to find this happening- for example, in the works of Lynda Barry, Alison Bechdel, Marjane Satrapi, where a life story becomes a deeply intriguing story in its own right.

Rebecca 

Do you think that autobio comics are important for not only a reader but also the artist creating them?

Jules

I think there’s great importance in letting people narrate their own experiences. It’s often the case that when someone is experiencing illness, trauma, grief, any number of life experiences, they’re forced to abdicate some control over to other people— in my case, writing about mental health, control of my life and experiences were often handed over to my family, my doctors, and anyone else with an opinion. Writing about it put me back in control over my own history and gave me an outlet to work out what I felt and experienced without having to put anyone else first.

Rebecca

Has reading a comic (be it autobio or not) ever helped you get through a difficult time?

Jules

Definitely. I had a friend who could provide a comic for almost any event or occasion, and he gave me Glyn Dillon’s The Nao of Brown, which was a big help to me when I was struggling with obsessive compulsive disorder (the comic is fictional but loosely based on Dillon’s wife’s experience with OCD.) Darryl Cunningham’s Psychiatric Tales, a frank, straightforward, and kindly graphic novel about experiences of working as a psychiatric nurse, was also a great comfort when I was unwell. Saki Hiwatari’s Please Save My Earth was incredibly formative in giving me a story to relate to as a teenager experiencing dysphoria, as the manga deals with themes of identity, gender, and sexuality through the story vector of reincarnation.

Rebecca

Do you feel that the impact left on its audience by a comic differs to that of a novel, film or other form of art?

Jules

Comics are still considered, to some degree, to be a ‘junk’ art form. I think this can be a very good thing for comics, though— I appreciate that there’s still a sort of unpretentiousness to the reading of comics, and I think this allows readers to be moved and affected by them almost unconsciously in a way that’s different to the more lofty experiences of reading a novel or watching a film.

 Rebecca

What are a couple of your favourite comics that you would recommend to readers, and do they differ from comics that you would recommend to aspiring comic artists?

Jules

For readers and artists alike, I would recommend anything by Chris Ware (particularly his ACME Novelty Library series, as well as the massive Building Stories) as he really does push the boundaries of what a ‘comic’ can be. Glyn Dillon’s The Nao of Brown is another favourite, with a more conventional structure, beautiful art, and a powerful, loving story. Lynda Barry’s cartoons are excellent (What It Is is a good one), and Persepolis by Marjane Satrapi should be required reading for most comics enthusiasts. I also love anything by Michael DeForge (Ant Colony). For aspiring comic artists, I’d say just read whatever appeals to you, art-wise or story-wise. New artists are constantly reinventing the medium.

Rebecca 

What is your outlook on what it will be like to be a professional artist after leaving art school?

Jules

I ask my Magic 8 Ball this question all the time.

Rebecca

As an artist, do you worry about financial security?

Jules

Constantly.

Rebecca

Do/will you have to rely on other forms of income such as Patreon or a part-time job to be able to create comics?

Jules

I freelance doing commissions and bits and pieces of design work currently, which is more or less sustaining me for the time being, but after graduation I’ll most likely need a part-time job of some description. I hope to have a Patreon for comics and art up and running in the next year!

Rebecca

How has the ability to use the internet to share your work affected your career as a comic artist?

Jules

The ability to use the internet has been absolutely crucial in my career as a comic artist. The vast majority of acquaintances, friends, and collaborators I’ve met in comics, I’ve primarily met through Twitter initially. I think the internet, for better or for worse, puts artists all on a somewhat level playing field— it doesn’t cost anything more than the price of an internet connection to publish your work, advertise yourself, network with other artists, gain an audience, and sell things, all online. The value of internet relationships is massive for providing everything from support and resources to literal couches in countries across the world.

Rebecca 

Would you ever want to work for a publisher or would you rather self-publish your work?

Jules

I think both have their merits, but I don’t have any experience with either so I’m unsure of the benefits and downsides of both. I have friends who’ve started their own small press imprints, which interests me a lot.

Rebecca 

Have you ever taken part in a collective comic anthology? Do you feel like you gained anything from working with others?

Jules

I’ve been published in anthologies a few times— local comics collectives and fanzines mostly. The pressure of a deadline and the thrill of seeing your work published as well as the social aspect of going to launches and promoting the work are all good things I think. I would love to do more practical collaborative work with other artists in the future.

Rebecca

What is your opinion on manga – is it the same as reading a Western comic?

Jules

I think manga follows a different set of rules based on an entirely different history and storytelling tradition from Western comics. Personally, I was drawn to manga when I was growing up because the artwork appealed to me more, but also because the stories in shōjo manga felt more contemplative, with thoughtful pauses visualised in consecutive black pages, empty speech bubbles, metaphorical flowers blooming, et cetera. There was an emotional focus that I found Western mainstream comics largely lacked. My experience of reading manga was, and still is, very different because of that sense of emotional timing.

Rebecca

Thanks so much for your time!

You can find Jules’ work online on their twitter and portfolio site

https://twitter.com/lieabed https://www.julesvalera.daportfolio.com

#guttermagazine #julesvalera #comicjournalism #comicstudy #comix

[qwloapp]

What You Really Need To Know About Auto Repair

There is nothing quite like the freedom of owning your own vehicle. You have the country as you please. This also means that it may break down at bad times and leave you stranded somewhere. These tips should help to prepare you get back on the road in the least amount of time.

Referrals are a great method for finding a great auto mechanic. Ask the people you know for their recommendations. Ask them how good the work was, how much they were charged, and if they were satisfied. People will let you know how their experience went.

TIP! You car records need to be kept on hand. It is a good idea to leave these in the glove compartment because you never know when your car has to go to the shop suddenly.

This certification guarantees that the mechanic has passed a written test and has over 2 years of experience. This will let you know that the best choice for your automobile.

When visiting a repair shop, be mindful of warning signs that the shop is not a good one. If they avoid your questions or give you the run around, they may not be reliable. Make sure that you trust the person that you are working with.

TIP! Find out how much a mechanic charges for the repair, including labor, before you hand over your keys. Some shops have their rates in conspicuous places, so read carefully and ask questions if you don’t understand something.

Ask questions you may have regarding your car when bringing it in to their shop. Preventing automotive issues with your vehicle is an excellent way to save money during the year.

Find out a little about the car parts you need before you go to a mechanic. Parts have classifications, including salvaged, new, and re-manufactured and reconditioned. New means that the parts were made to meet the standard manufacturer specifications by an independent retailer or the dealer themselves. Used parts that have been made good as new are classified as reconditioned. They may also carry a tag as “rebuilt,” or even “re-manufactured.” “Salvage” refers to used parts that aren’t altered.

TIP! Do not allow anyone to sell you any auto parts that they claim will last a lifetime. This may simply be a money making racket.

You don’t always have to get a mechanic in for simple repairs. There are many things that can do easily. If the job is not too complicated, you might save a bit of money if you make repairs on your own.

It is not uncommon to find out about other problems when collecting a car from a repairer. They do this to make you think you are getting a great deal. Instead of going forward right away, take your time and seek out the best deal you can find.

TIP! If you discover a serious problem on your new car, be sure to contact the manufacturer. It’s possible there’s been a recall on that car, and you might not be the only one having the problem.

You should wash your car to keep the rust away. Rust is an inevitability, but you can slow things down by keeping the car clean. Use a good wax for protecting paint jobs as much as you can.

Take a couple of hours before saying yes to repairs from a mechanic. This way you can call other dealerships and garages to verify that you are receiving the best price. Sometimes, you may find a better price and save a lot of money.

TIP! The dealer’s mechanics are expensive but worth it. The dealer mechanics are specialists concerning your type of vehicle.

Look for online reviews of different local auto shops online. This will speak volumes about how the public feels and their skill in solving issues. You can use the information to find a place you’ll feel comfortable spending your business to.

Get a written estimate for anything a mechanic quotes over $200. Getting the estimate in writing can help you if ever you have to complain about the mechanic. The mechanic is also going to be much less likely to take advantage of you.

TIP! Ask questions of your mechanic. You need a thorough understanding of the repair, not just a price quote.

Be careful of a mechanic who will do unnecessary work on your car. A good mechanic will need to be replaced soon but they should not replace the part without your full approval. Don’t return to mechanics who made unneeded repairs.

Go to the same auto repair shop once you find a reliable one. Build a good relationship with a mechanic to ensure you get good work. This may also give you discounts on future jobs.

TIP! Consult with your friends and family about recommending a trustworthy mechanic. Personal experience from someone who has had work done at the shop before is simply the number one way to get good work done.

Look for signs that your mechanic is not as competent as you might hope. If they ignore your questions or talk in circles, they may not be reliable. You want to be able to trust the person doing your repairs, so don’t be afraid to choose another one.

You need to take some time to learn all about your car. An auto mechanic shouldn’t be your only option cor car repair, especially if you know more about your vehicle. You’ll save a great deal of money by doing routine maintenance yourself.

TIP! Make it a habit clean your car mats every time you wash your car. The rubber of the mats makes it easy for dirt to become trapped and create holes.

A spare tire and a jack are essential items to keep in your vehicle all of the time. Many newer cars have these. You would hate to be stuck out in the road and need to pay a lot for towing. It will be quicker and inexpensive to do it yourself.

Don’t be scared when you need to ask a question about car repairs. Understand what will be performed on your car and also the price you will have to pay. Any reputable shop can answer your questions.

TIP! Do not attempt to repair your car or truck without being confidence in your abilities. If you make a mistake, your car’s warranty may not be valid.

A temporary car problem doesn’t have to lead to massive repair bills. You can often take care of the problems by yourself. The information you read in this article will help you to repair your car yourself.

Not all vehicles need oil changes every 3,000 miles. That used to be the case but isn’t the standard anymore. Newer cars don’t require an oil change until 5,000 miles have been reached. Some do not need an oil change for 10,000 miles. Use whatever number the manufacturer recommends.

TIP! Bring your vehicle to a shop immediately if the service engine or check engine light is on. You may not notice anything is wrong, but only a professional will be able to tell you for sure.

Many people are interested in Download the Auto Repair Mobile APP From Play Store , but many also do not have the knowledge necessary on the topic. Luckily, you have found an article that has good information to get you started. All you need to do now is put it into action.

from Auto Repair – QWLO http://ift.tt/2qj6NX9 via QWLO from Blogger http://ift.tt/2oAN0WH April 27, 2017 at 03:42PM

#Auto repair #Auto Repair – QWLO #How to auto repair

[qwloapp]

What You Really Need To Know About Auto Repair

There is nothing quite like the freedom of owning your own vehicle. You have the country as you please. This also means that it may break down at bad times and leave you stranded somewhere. These tips should help to prepare you get back on the road in the least amount of time.

Referrals are a great method for finding a great auto mechanic. Ask the people you know for their recommendations. Ask them how good the work was, how much they were charged, and if they were satisfied. People will let you know how their experience went.

TIP! You car records need to be kept on hand. It is a good idea to leave these in the glove compartment because you never know when your car has to go to the shop suddenly.

This certification guarantees that the mechanic has passed a written test and has over 2 years of experience. This will let you know that the best choice for your automobile.

When visiting a repair shop, be mindful of warning signs that the shop is not a good one. If they avoid your questions or give you the run around, they may not be reliable. Make sure that you trust the person that you are working with.

TIP! Find out how much a mechanic charges for the repair, including labor, before you hand over your keys. Some shops have their rates in conspicuous places, so read carefully and ask questions if you don’t understand something.

Ask questions you may have regarding your car when bringing it in to their shop. Preventing automotive issues with your vehicle is an excellent way to save money during the year.

Find out a little about the car parts you need before you go to a mechanic. Parts have classifications, including salvaged, new, and re-manufactured and reconditioned. New means that the parts were made to meet the standard manufacturer specifications by an independent retailer or the dealer themselves. Used parts that have been made good as new are classified as reconditioned. They may also carry a tag as “rebuilt,” or even “re-manufactured.” “Salvage” refers to used parts that aren’t altered.

TIP! Do not allow anyone to sell you any auto parts that they claim will last a lifetime. This may simply be a money making racket.

You don’t always have to get a mechanic in for simple repairs. There are many things that can do easily. If the job is not too complicated, you might save a bit of money if you make repairs on your own.

It is not uncommon to find out about other problems when collecting a car from a repairer. They do this to make you think you are getting a great deal. Instead of going forward right away, take your time and seek out the best deal you can find.

TIP! If you discover a serious problem on your new car, be sure to contact the manufacturer. It’s possible there’s been a recall on that car, and you might not be the only one having the problem.

You should wash your car to keep the rust away. Rust is an inevitability, but you can slow things down by keeping the car clean. Use a good wax for protecting paint jobs as much as you can.

Take a couple of hours before saying yes to repairs from a mechanic. This way you can call other dealerships and garages to verify that you are receiving the best price. Sometimes, you may find a better price and save a lot of money.

TIP! The dealer’s mechanics are expensive but worth it. The dealer mechanics are specialists concerning your type of vehicle.

Look for online reviews of different local auto shops online. This will speak volumes about how the public feels and their skill in solving issues. You can use the information to find a place you’ll feel comfortable spending your business to.

Get a written estimate for anything a mechanic quotes over $200. Getting the estimate in writing can help you if ever you have to complain about the mechanic. The mechanic is also going to be much less likely to take advantage of you.

TIP! Ask questions of your mechanic. You need a thorough understanding of the repair, not just a price quote.

Be careful of a mechanic who will do unnecessary work on your car. A good mechanic will need to be replaced soon but they should not replace the part without your full approval. Don’t return to mechanics who made unneeded repairs.

Go to the same auto repair shop once you find a reliable one. Build a good relationship with a mechanic to ensure you get good work. This may also give you discounts on future jobs.

TIP! Consult with your friends and family about recommending a trustworthy mechanic. Personal experience from someone who has had work done at the shop before is simply the number one way to get good work done.

Look for signs that your mechanic is not as competent as you might hope. If they ignore your questions or talk in circles, they may not be reliable. You want to be able to trust the person doing your repairs, so don’t be afraid to choose another one.

You need to take some time to learn all about your car. An auto mechanic shouldn’t be your only option cor car repair, especially if you know more about your vehicle. You’ll save a great deal of money by doing routine maintenance yourself.

TIP! Make it a habit clean your car mats every time you wash your car. The rubber of the mats makes it easy for dirt to become trapped and create holes.

A spare tire and a jack are essential items to keep in your vehicle all of the time. Many newer cars have these. You would hate to be stuck out in the road and need to pay a lot for towing. It will be quicker and inexpensive to do it yourself.

Don’t be scared when you need to ask a question about car repairs. Understand what will be performed on your car and also the price you will have to pay. Any reputable shop can answer your questions.

TIP! Do not attempt to repair your car or truck without being confidence in your abilities. If you make a mistake, your car’s warranty may not be valid.

A temporary car problem doesn’t have to lead to massive repair bills. You can often take care of the problems by yourself. The information you read in this article will help you to repair your car yourself.

Not all vehicles need oil changes every 3,000 miles. That used to be the case but isn’t the standard anymore. Newer cars don’t require an oil change until 5,000 miles have been reached. Some do not need an oil change for 10,000 miles. Use whatever number the manufacturer recommends.

TIP! Bring your vehicle to a shop immediately if the service engine or check engine light is on. You may not notice anything is wrong, but only a professional will be able to tell you for sure.

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