I call this one either “Secret Identity” or “Identity Crisis.”

Knowledge Is Power

My entry for @irondadremix, I remixed @papered-owl's Arsenic Bugs. Had a lot of fun with it and took it to a different POV, the untold story behind Peter's terrible stomach ache.

This was really, really fun to write, and I hope you enjoy reading it.

Summary:

Peter Parker has a new target on his back, and it's not because of Spider-Man.

A group of thugs got their hands on the knowledge that Peter is Tony Stark's personal intern and they are going to take advantage of it, even if it means putting Peter's life on the line.

Prompt idea: Peter P takes videos of the avengers doing stupid things like playing monopoly or fighting over the last cookie and saves them to a flash-drive. One day they find the flash-drive. Btw I love all your posts

Earth’s Dumbest Heroes is one the most popular podcasts there is, especially since Peter started inviting the other Avengers as his guests (the episode with Sam and Bucky bickering so much even Peter can’t get a word in has the most views by far, which Tony took as a challenge to come up with an idea that will catapult him to spot number one). Every single week when a new episode goes up, it blows up the internet, able to push even the most serious news of the day into the background for just a few minutes.

However, when the video appears on the website, it actually breaks the internet.

~*~*~

The video starts with shaky footage before it stills enough that you can see Spider-Man in the middle of the screen, holding what’s probably his phone with one hand, waving with the other. His style choice is interesting – as in it’s a mismatched hoodie and sweatpants plus his Spider-Man mask to keep his identity.

“Hi, everyone! It’s me, your favorite bug boy with your favorite podcast – wait, can I call this a podcast? Isn’t this more like a vlog? Meh, we figure the details out later. Anyway, this is a very special episode because, well, I read your comments – love them, by the way, thank you so much! – and there are always some of you who think I’m making all of this up. That there’s no way these literal superheroes behave like idiots.”

Spider-Man sighs dramatically.

“Well, I tried to tell you all again and again and doesn’t seem to work. But what that’s saying? A picture is worth more than a thousand words?”

Spider-Man winks and then there’s a jump cut.

The footage is a weird angle, making it quite obvious that the video was taken in secret, but you can see a kitchen. The clock on the wall shows 3:52 am and it’s pitch-black outside. In the middle of the kitchen island sits Hawkeye, wearing cartoon pajamas and eating cereals. One can only speculate if he’s actually awake or asleep.

“You good?” comes the voice of Spider-Man from off camera. Without looking up, Hawkeye nods, taking another spoon of cereals. “Are you… eating Froot Loops with… coffee?” Another nod. “Why?”

“We’re out of milk,” is the only answer he gets before Hawkeye starts slurping the cereal coffee.

Jump cut.

They’re in a lab with Iron Man in a half-assembled suit standing in the middle of the room, typing something away on a holo-screen. A robot rolls over to him, carrying something in its claw.

“What do you want?” Iron Man asks, not unkindly, and turns towards the robot.

Before he even knows what’s happening, the robot sprays him with a fire extinguisher.

There’s hysterical laughter in the background.

Jump cut.

War Machine, the new Captain America, and the White Wolf are sitting on a couch, their entire attention on a tv screen off camera. There are faint noises from the movie playing, and the three men look like they’re in absolute agony. Tears are in their eyes as they sit on the couch as stiff as boards, Captain America even biting down on his fist to keep still. War Machine sniffs as the White Wolf tries to subtly wipe away a tear from the corner of his eye. Suddenly, the music rises and all of them let go a shocked gasp, looking even more distressed now.

War Machine looks to his other side and his voice almost breaks as he asks: “Why the fuck did you make us think Big Hero 6 is a fun movie?”

Jump cut.

Back in the lab; Iron Man is working on something on his work bench, a mask over his face as he’s welding something.

Sparks starts flying around.

At a speed that seems way too fast with all the stuff lying around, the robot from before rolls back into the frame and immediately starts dousing him again.

Jump cut.

The video only shows the ground, a foot and part of a leg.

“How many videos of DUM-E spraying Tony do you have?” Black Widow asks.

“Uhh… I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“Really? You’re trying to play dumb? C’mon. Look who you’re talking to.”

A sigh. “You noticed?”

“You’re not exactly a spy, little spider. After this project, you should stick to swinging around, not making videos.”

“Wait, why does it sound like you’re not stopping me?”

“Because I’m not. They deserve it.”

A pause. “What did they do?”

“Ate the last of my Ben & Jerry’s ice cream.”

Jump cut.

Once again in the lab, but this time, Iron Man is already completely covered in the foam from the fire extinguisher. He is carrying one himself and there’s a puddle of foam in front of him, right next to the already familiar robot. “The one time there actually is a real fire and you’re still dousing me!”

The robot moves its claw up and down, looking more excited than guilty.

Jump cut.

The entire screen is filled with a not-that-great looking chocolate cake. In the background, there are two very familiar voices arguing.

“I can’t believe you did this!”

“I can’t believe you’re making such a big deal out of this!”

“It’s chocolate sauerkraut cake!”

“We had that cake all the time when we were younger! Sure, it was the Great Depression, but you never said no to it when my mom made it!”

“The difference being your mom actually knew how to bake, unlike you!”

There’s a shocked gasp and then the sound of something being thrown around.

Jump cut.

The doors of the lab open and Iron Man walks in. Of course, the robot appears at his side out of nowhere and sprays him with the fire extinguisher once more.

This time, Iron Man barely reacts, sighing deeply as his shoulder drop and he wipes some of the foam off his face before turning towards the robot. “Do you just think I’m this smoking hot or is this your new type of love language? Because I’m really at a loss for words here.”

The robot chirps excitingly.

Jump cut.

Spider-Man is back, chuckling lightly. “I hope this convinces you all that the same people who do their best to stop aliens from destroying Earth and humanity and whatever are also petty and childish and shouldn’t be left without someone to supervise. Which, by the way, you can apply for. The entry qualifications are that you’re able to stand this craziness and know how to hide veggies between food, because they’re honestly terrible at eating those. Anyway, I need to go hide now because they will hunt me down once they see this. Bye! See you all next week!”

The video cuts to black – but unbeknownst to Spider-Man, that isn’t the end of the video.

After a second, the video cuts back to the lab one last time. Iron Man is sitting in front of the camera, a towel around his neck as he looks like he had been doused one more time, bits of foam still stuck in his hair. Pointing at the camera, he smirks. “This is payback, kiddo. Don’t act like I don’t know who messed with DUM-E for this.”

A montage starts playing – dramatic and fast classical music with footage of Spider-Man’s fails, like falling from the ceiling, unable to unstuck himself from somewhere, shooting his webs in his own face, or sticking his webs to the wrong surface, cut to a matching pace. It finishes with a clip of the robot from before dousing Spider-Man who just fell from the ceiling of the lab.

Tag list: @joyful-soul-collector @sheabeeprime @spideyspeaches @zanderljones @jelly-pies @ftopbn @lost-lunar-wolf @peter-is-a-bean @a-moon-fairy @mrs-potts-stark @supernoetta @glorified-red @probablyprocrastinatingrightnow @thecrazymarvelfan @hatakehikari @aixabi @sublimedragonherohumanoid @bittersweetbeneath @vintervittrannerd @anarinette @always-loki @zetasaturno99 @sdottkrames @potter-turn-to-page-394 @doctordumblesstark @its-funnier-when-you-say-it @fangirl485 @gaycinnamonrollgirl @bettyadinnye @0adore0 @loveliestdisappointment @lunars--world @just-things-things @chaos-with-a-pen @onlyonepotatochip @dreamingtreees @liviemma @nightingalestakeflight @imwatermeloness @baloobird @randomfandomcheeto @hold-our-destiny @underoosandtonystank @peterparkeriswholesome

Look at this oh my god oh oh-

My heart has officially exploded🥺

[on vacation]

Peter: I can't believe we're at Hogwarts!

Tony: No, that's Buckingham Palace

Tony: Hogwarts is fictional. Do you know that?

Tony: It's important to me that you know that.

Tony grabbed the symbiote strand latched to his chest with both hands, never looking down as he gripped it, clenched it. His fingers curled around the twitching limb, the stem giving off palpitations that nearly matched the hammer of his own pulse.

The whiteness of Peter’s lenses had taken on the same undoing. Shrouded in dripping sludge, driblets that fell from his forehead, down onto his chin, slithering along the spider emblem that rested across his chest. Roots bathed in ooze crusted along it, steadily obliterating the insignia.

Peter tilted his neck to the side. A deafening, sickeningly crracccccccccck broke into the air with each of his jagged movements.

“͙̪Y̘͓̼ͅoͅu.͉͚̝͉͙.̙.͇̞̖dͅo̼̪n’̫t͎͈͔͔͖̬.̹̯..̠̟̠͇̳̰̞co̰͈̼ͅͅn̫̫͉͚̻̳̜t͎r̺o͓͙͚̜̫̭ͅl̘ͅ m͚e̖.̞͈̪̰̱”̟

The voice that came from his throat wasn’t his own. His throat gurgled caustically, reaching radical, sinister depths as it croaked along the vocal cords that were so clearly Peter’s.

Anger emerged over the rising dread that stifled through Tony’s very being.

What part of Peter was still left?

His breath lodged in his throat, his jaw tightened threateningly.

Was there any?

With three doctorates and two masters underneath his belt, having been the creator of self-sustaining clean energy, and least he forget how many artificial intelligence’s that had been scrounged together over his lifetime,

The most Tony could think to say was one thing.

“Goddamnit!”

His genius had seen better days.

A thick trail of smog blew out from the exhaust pipe of Cap’s motorcycle, forming a swirling heap of gray around the bottom of Tony’s otherwise shimmering gold Iron Man boots. He watched, stunned — and downright pissed — as Rogers sped off.

“Shit!”

Yeah, he decided, his lexicon now downsized to only the most colorful words his brain could produce. His genius had seen much better days.

"Are you — shit!” The curse didn’t feel strong enough to express his frustration. So he tried again. “Goddamnit, Rogers, what the fu —!”

Going to pull at his hair, Tony instead smacked an armor clad hand on the helmet still covering his head. He was stuck — dead in the water wearing an equally dead suit, no juice left to get even the smallest flicker of his HUD going. A goddamn energizer battery had more life to it, surely enough voltage to at least get him out of the damn thing.

Wait.

Wait, wait —

Tony’s head whipped around, the reflection of a smashed and crumpled Honda Civic practically shining against his armor.

That was it.

There was an Iron Man shape dent on the roof of the vehicle, but it wasn’t the thing he was paying attention to.

"Avengers,”  Steve’s voice cut into the comms, “  what are your positions?”

Tony leaped forward, as quickly as his body would take him under the weight of a lifeless suit. He had felt the familiar feeling all too many times before, like his body was encased in cement, each pull of his legs burning with a fire only hell could contain.

"Widow here. Queensboro Plaza, making my way on 36th    Street.”

"He’s heading down 36th Avenue, Nat.” Clint grunted, the sound of his grappling hook louder than his words. The sound it made breaking into concrete was unmistakable, the archer already making leaps and bounds across rooftops nearby. “What are you doing going in the opposite direction?”

Metal boots dragged along the pavement, sending sparks flying up Tony’s calves, leaving harsh, black marks on the asphalt below.

Natasha let out a puff of air, breath that smacked into the microphone of her comms. “I’m getting ahead of the game.”

Peter: [Had a bad dream]

Tony: It's okay, pal. Reality is much scarier

peter: TONYYYYY

tony, whispering: SHHHH, morgan is asleep

peter, whispering: sorry

tony, whispering: what’s wrong?

peter, whispering: our kitchen is on fire-

tony: OUR KITCHEN IS ON FIRE???!?!?!?!?

Rhodey: What are you doing?

Tony: Stephen asked me to look after his plants for the day while he runs errands with Peter, so I’m guarding them with my life.

Rhodey: But—

Tony: I have the greenest of green thumbs. I put the ‘clue’ in succulent. I am So Capable.

Stephen, via text: James don’t you dare tell him he’s watering fake flowers

tony: You’re charged with…..breaking into a pet store?

peter: I thought the animals might be lonely.

peter: mr. Stark?

tony: yeah?

peter: what's your favorite color of the alphabet? true or false?

tony:

tony: ...what.

Tony: *jerking away disgusted* Oh- Oh my god what the FU- ?!!

Peter: Bruce said it's more sanitary to sneeze into an elbow

Tony: He meant your OWN ELBOW!

tony: where did you get that tomato soup?

peter: it’s actually a bowl of ketchup I just microwaved.

Teacher: Mr.Stark, Your son said a bad word in class today

Tony: okay, I’ll talk to him

———————————

Tony: What the fuck Parker?

(*muffled coughing sounds) hello. Um. Hi! Hey! Heya! Hiya? Hope you're having a fantastic day! Uhm yeah! It's me I'm back again, remember me? I'm that unhinged anon that comes and goes to show her fucked up nerves? You won't even recognize me but yeah, hey it's been a while. Sorry in advance again, I have no godly clue of the reason of my arrival but feel like I can make do.

First of all, you cant even begin to comprehend how fucking delighted I'm to see that '86'. Like it's the only fucking number that manage to scorch itself to my frontal cortex other than that peticular '%48' I got from my history exam when I was 13. But for other reasons this time. Jesus. Thank you. I literally screamed when I saw it. It was high pitched, loud and squeaky and ugly. Made me sound like a newborn pigeon ( do you know how they sound? ugly and painfull and like a squashed balloon. imagine me now, okay?) And... yeah. All and all I was momentarily happy. And then the same restrictive fear crept in ( you know, the one that the story is gonna end in some hideous, sad and deep, dark hole and the rest of us (read:me) are gonna stay stranded in it. do you know that fear? do you?do you really??)

Secondly, yeah I fucking adore you. That is it. Please dont break my heart, shatter my hopes, ruin my soul and all that.

Also about the last chapter... uwu! I love how Tony keeps reminding Pete that he loves him. In Iron Man 3 he was saying his father never said that he loved him but Tony keeps saying he loves him ♡-♡ I'm in love. Okay. Fuck me I'm in the dire need of a life. Who cares. Let's move on. Also yeah, let's make it a hundred. The chapter number. Let's make it a good sweet 100 where they can swim in pure fluff for a fucking 14 chapters. Hm. What do you day? I can send my tallywhacker will to live if you'd like? Or maybe.. maybe my nonexistent dingus money in my nonexistent bank account? Hm? Whaddya say? I can bake some cookies and send them to you? Huh? No? Okay.

Anyway I gotta go. I'm so scared please dont break my heart. Yup I'm going now. I can't stay this long. Gotta go. Gotta go. I love you but dont break my heart. Going. Going... bye.

Hellooo again, dear anon!

Always good to have you back 😉

See, thos is exactly what I was afraid of. Little finger, whole hand, you know it... 😜

I could split up the remaining chapter into 14 bites? Though I feel like there won't be much enthusiasm with that plan.

Don't wprry though, so far opted for splitting every chapter I had planned to publishbin one go into two smaller ones. So we might get closer to the 90 at least 😅

no we don’t use that room there was once a spider in it🕷 #spiderfashion #spiderson #spiderdressup #spiderwoman #badgirlsclub #spiderverse #uglyaf #uglyfashion (at Catalina Foothills, Arizona) https://www.instagram.com/p/CQB1LDQrwhnxb7XjX5M0C3LwpbSsV7OYdnwFbo0/?utm_medium=tumblr

Peter: I feel nothing. I am made of pure apathy and the ability to punch people the frick out.

Tony: I literally saw you making kissing noises at cats across the street last night.

Peter: Shut the frick up Mr. Stark