Why can’t I just tell you how I really feel?
And just like that.. it was too broken to be fixed…
Types of People in Quarantine: Disney+
Disney: feeling very nostalgic, childlike nature, PJs all day, making a Disney song playlist.
Pixar: instagram challenges, FaceTiming friends, reciting lines off by heart, baking.
Marvel: going to write on reddit inbetween watching movies, ordering takeout, the person shouting at the screen.
Star Wars: rewatching all the movies in order, nocturnal, binge watching until 5am, making a fort in your room.
National Geographic: you miss school/work, trying to keep your brain fresh, morning runs, you cook yourself the best meals.
Something different today and because we’re in quarantine haha. This is just for fun as always.
You left me so bruised so hurt so vulnerable I’m speechless I don’t know what to say or what to write you numbed me you numbed my thoughts my heart you numbed my feelings for you I gave you the power to destroy me and the sad part is you didn’t hesitate to use this power against me you cut me wide open like a landscape and you didn’t even bother to look at me, enjoy my beauty instead you destroyed everything good I had left in me and you didn’t even look back, you never tried to erase the mistakes you made instead you kept making fun of me for liking you, trusting you, giving you everything I had left, hidden inside of me, you took those things and never returned them
I don’t know how I could be so blind so dumb and stupid and full of love, which you didn’t deserve, you never deserved me, you never deserved all that I ever gave you, you never deserved my time, my thoughts, my tears and the love I gave you and still was willing to give you till the very last drop in every cell of my body, I was yours, I belonged to you, you had me around your finger, and you still do I’m not going to lie to myself, but I’m just now realising that I need to let you go in order to let myself breathe again, you had me far too long under your spell and I’m finally now waking up
I always thought about you, never spent another thought on something or someone else, you were the first person I would think of after waking up and before going to sleep and even in my dreams you wouldn’t leave me, you were always there, stuck in my mind, never wanting to let you go but now I have to, I have to kick you out of my mind as long as I still have this power, I’m not letting you take anything more from me, that if anything else is left for you to take, I can’t handle the pain you’re causing me anymore, you became a burden I never thought I’d have to carry around but here we are, I’m in my bed spilling my heart out about you and you’re in your bed, sound asleep with no worries in the world
I’m done running and chasing someone who doesn’t want to be chased, I always cared about you and I forgot to make myself a priority too
Do not fall in love with people like me.
I will take you to museums, and parks, and monuments, and kiss you in every beautiful place, so that you can never go back to them without tasting me like blood in your mouth.
I will destroy you in the most beautiful way possible. And when I leave you will finally understand, why storms are named after people.
Being worried isn’t going to help me at all but being productive will make my days much better. Although, I don’t know if I am going to have surgery, I do know that I will have the rest I need from such hectic months so atleast that will be nice LOL. That is actually so sad, I need to have surgery to get rest, god dang it. Anyway I need to chill the eff out and get my shit done.
- December 19, 2017
Reading this back makes me so sad because I thought pushing myself to work with no breaks and be “productive” was the best thing I could do at the time. The post also makes me laugh because who says “god dang it” or writes “eff” 😂, I clearly developed some weird vocabulary under stress. This is much of the same stuff I was feeling earlier. At this time I just finished my exams for the semester, started reapplying for grad school, and had to get a wisdom tooth surgery (for the first time I think? Considering I had to get two so far). These posts actually make me so sad in ways that are difficult to articulate. I understood the drive I had to excel in school and also gain admittance to grad school; which was my ultimate goal for years. I also understand that hard work is required in any aspect of life to do well, but the constant strain I felt mentally and physically at some point was not normal but I didn’t acknowledge that. I think I have definitely learned to pay more attention to my mental and physical health, to decide next steps and determine what will make me feel better. More importantly, I’ve become focused on NOT pushing myself past boundaries that will burn me out. It is something I am worried about and I hope I learn techniques to recognize if I am burning out and steps to prevent it! Feel free to share tips!
Things I have been doing to help avoid burnout: journaling, working out (as of recent) and talking about my feelings with trusted friends/fiancé has helped a ton! I’d also like to add that I used to be super active playing sports like volleyball and badminton, but ever since 2017 my activity was drastically reduced because it was hard to play team sports (money and time were the issue for me). I didn’t pick up any physical activity I really liked until this year, which is 2020. I started kickboxing and yoga. So don’t feel bad if working out isn’t for you, or if you haven’t found the right sport/activity for you. There’s a bunch of shaming culture surrounding physical activity because of gym rats and whatnot which I think is fucked up. You should do things that you actually LIKE doing, especially considering activities surrounding your body. Fuck the haters do you!
My heart is craving a french cottage surrounded by moss grass and lavender , with a small pond covered in lolly pads. Mornings with marmilade and toast and tea and evenings filled with depp red wines and satin dresses. Passion love , and living is all I want
I need to find my cottage.
And you are the star that fell into the earth.
Difficult roads often lead to beautiful destinations….
How i used to be such a great negotiator.
I have sold the lion its mane and the crocodile its teeth.
Yet I’m sat here down in Trowbridge not being able to sell my love.
I gave the cow it’s milk to trade with the tree’s so I could breath.
Yet I’m sat on this old metal bench not being able to sell my love.
I taught the snake to hiss so I could have his fangs full of venom.
Yet I’m sat in this melancholy mood not being able to sell my love.
I laughed amongst the hyenas and screamed with the foxes.
Yet I’m sat here listening to the birds afternoon symphony.
Yet I can’t remember if we are saying goodbye.
Yet I can’t remember if we are saying goodbye.
Sometimes I think that maybe I don’t fear people but myself , I am not afraid what they will say I am afraid what they will say if did this or that .
When it’s about other people , then it seems that no matter what we do , we will never be able to change other people’s behaviour or their actions but when it’s about us then there’s a possibility that things could be changed for better ( or worse , it’s in our hands )
The way we are today might be because of someone else but what we decide to do with this self totally depends on us .
What I decide to do with this much of anxiety build up inside of me depends on me.
Most of the time we are afraid that a certain thing will end up like this is because we are afraid of ourselves because we have evidence from the past which proves that if we can do it once , we can end up doing it again .
It’s not always about people .
Even when I am at home , I have these visualizations where I burned myself while cooking , spilled a drink while carrying or making it , broke something , ruined a blank page just by writing something on it ( cause I think my writing sucks , though I agree I have seen worse but that doesn’t matter at that time cause that doesn’t means that mine is beautiful or something ) , there are many more things like this .
So this all tells me that I am afraid of myself not others .
At least the root of my problems is someone I can actually control , though I agree it’s difficult as well cause if it was that easy I wouldn’t have been like this at the first place.
Though i am not okay most of the time , I still always try .
I don’t want to be like this for my whole life and not for anyone else but myself .
If I don’t have any close real friends then it’s totally fine . If no one likes talking to me then it’s totally fine. There are so many things I spent doing cause I didn’t had friends and I am happy because I got to know a lot about myself , there are much better things I give my time to now. Maybe the situations I went through made me strong , maybe the people who had it all figured out won’t be able to face these problems as nicely as I am able to now , maybe I learned the valuable lessons of life early so I don’t have to learn them later in life at a much higher cost.
This all doesn’t means that I run away whenever someone tries to be my friend . Make friends, talk to new people but don’t let your happiness depend on them and they shouldn’t do the same too , We all know that good friends are rare to find but if you haven’t find any yet it doesn’t means that it’s your fault . I may post something that will tell you that I care or I am sad because of it . But that time passes and I will feel okay with that again .
It’s okay to feel sad and say things that we don’t normally say cause sometimes our mind gets clouded and it becomes difficult to see things clearly .
The Time doesn’t cares . It will pass anyway , it doesn’t matter if you are having a great time or a horrible one .
We can feel the time passing slow or fast depending on our situation . Your mind may lie sometimes to you but time is always honest .
Please. I need you. I need you more than any other human being.
The worst part about being so depressed, for me anyway,is loosing interest in every single thing I used to enjoy. Nothing is interesting. Nothing feels worth my time. I cant read or watch netflix or color, I just sit here and try to find something that makes me feel less dead inside.
-Nothing could be worse than that.
I really hope you get her someday
I would do anything for a day where I didnt feel like this..
We let out our sorrow in rivers of ink
For others to see they have nothing to fear
From being honest with the pain inside.~
This love can be bought with money but unfortunately, I’m poor.