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#spilled feelings

Before Sunrise

I once told a friend that I love sunrise more than sunset

A peaceful new beginning. A thrill of a new game you will be on.

It gives me hope, another chance and not a regret.

So here I am waiting for the sun at breaking dawn.

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carve yourself into me.

press your thumbs into my eyes.

pull my arms and make them slender.

bend my fingers to do your will.

sharpen the jaw and narrow my neck.

make me beautiful, make me lovely.

pour something warm into my heart.

spin a glow into the depths of my sight.

fill my head with a dream.

use my life to make the world better.

make me lovable, make me loved.

— Lucca M

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Did she ever cross your mind when you held me against your chest and let your heartbeat sigh into my dreams?

Cause in that tremor I heard the promises that were uttered to someone who once resided in its rhythm.

Did she ever flicker in your heart when you looked at me so softly and let your eyes meld into my nights?

Cause in that starry-eyed gaze I saw the memories that were shared with someone who once captivated your vision.

Did she ever trickle into your soul when you unveiled your solemnity and let it brush mine ever so often?

Cause in that hazy touch I held the pain that was felt for someone who once made it all fade away.

// I guess I wasn’t enough to make you forget her.


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My journal entries
To feel, to know that if given the possibility of being anywhere else, I would still be here. Not because I feel at ease, but because I fear the unfamiliar.
The unfamiliar is what I have named it for I know it will be familiar some day, a braver day.
Perhaps I would feel at ease here had I not known the unfamiliar, had the unfamiliar not been within reach, had it not shone on me just now, then I would have felt at ease here.
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I marvel at the mess our life is now. We used to be perfect even when we didn’t have enough, even when we didn’t have anything. We were a family and that’s all that mattered. Now, we have pushed the pictures off the walls, we are breaking down the pillars, walking over shattered glass, bleeding and staining everything we touch. We are drifting apart all while staying together. We wish we weren’t a family, we don’t think we are. It is miserable being tied to people you don’t quite love anymore. We don’t see eye to eye anymore, we can’t talk without raising our voices, we don’t listen to our hearts trying to speak above our voices and everything we once cherished together, is now broken and empty. Our rooms are always kept shut and we reside, locked away from each other, by heart and at home. I tried, so hard. I rearranged the pictures, painted flowers over the cracking walls and pillars. I am holding onto every single one of you despite being pulled in different directions but it’s all shattering now. I wonder, if it is perhaps time, to finally let go… 

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pretenses // thewriterain
Shove your sadness into a box and tape it up with a fake smile so no one sees the tiny cracks in your heart. Force your laughter. Try too hard to keep your voice steady. Push your hurt deep into the recesses of your soul because no one would ever dig that deep. Decorate your breakdowns with denial; if no one knows about it, then it didn’t happen, right? Seal the truth in a jar and tie it up with ribbons of falsehoods. Hide. Conceal. Put up your defenses and call them protection instead of fear. Maybe if you don’t feel anything they can’t hurt you.
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Poem #66 LDR

Distance does not matter,
when two people love one another.
I don’t know about you,
but all i know is that,
I will be leaving;
I will be gone;
but my feelings for you,
will remain strong.
I can’t make you commit,
if you don’t want to.
I will just continue to hope,
that you want me too;
that you will fight for us too.
Cause i know,
that you are worth the distance;
the time.
You are worth more than all of it;
you are the distance and risk;
that i am willing to take.

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When I hear your voice I feel comforted and more content

I could listen to you talk all day

You make my heart beat faster.

When I see your face I feel warm and my surroundings fade

I could look at you all day

You make my heart melt.

When I feel your skin I feel safe and more alive

I could touch you all day

You make my heart skip a beat.

But I want these feelings to fade like my surroundings

Because missing you makes me wanna be drowning

And that’s all that I have left.

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Random Notes

I miss long drives, and going to places just to breath. It’s a wonder how we managed to cope during these trying times requiring us all to stay home. I’m praying hard for all of these to end soon. I’m praying hard for us all who are chasing comfort out of our comfort zones.

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If you’ve listened close to silence, I’m sure that you have heard, The gentle constant ringing, In the space between two words, When you really pay attention, You find it’s not just in your head, But instead is whispers of the words, The world has left unsaid, It’s “ I love you “ left unspoken, And mother’s last goodbye, That she never had the chance to say, As she watched her daughter die, It’s forgiveness never given, And a “sorry” left too late, That would have saved a best friend’s life, If they’d known it could not wait, It’s a phase that could have helped them, And it’s secrets that could heal, Its words form those too scared to say, The truth of how they feel, But you have an advantage, For you’re still alive to speak, Words that could help save a life, Or give strength to someone weak, So may you never leave unspoken, Words the whole world ought to hear, Before they just become the ringing, In another person’s ear.

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