I look for courage
in this glass
my sodden thoughts
buried in a heap
of sloppy emotions
is this the way the
road leads me
every escape which
by my pain
I am smiling
in the ignorance
of my sins
escape my mistakes
as I look for wisdom
in this empty glass
time devours me
no longer do I feel
the need for love
I’m simply a shadow
a tired vagrant
with liquor close at hand
with empty thoughts and
nightmares by the dozen
I look for courage
I woke up from my dreams
with the taste of you on my
tongue again & all the miles
from every song that has
your name is a blanket of
dust on my pillow, April
promises to fill you with
love & break your heart -
I don’t need any answers,
but I sure could use your
arms, I wish I wasn’t always
losing to my feelings -
is it okay if I let go?
I remember the sun,
Like a shotput orange
From what I remember,
Like the flashlight
We swallow hourly
To see if anything
In our throats
Like an awful pickpocket,
Into my neck,
(I scalded my tongue
On fried halloumi
And ate the rest
Of the anticipated dish
With a mouthful
Of tender static)
The steam-filled cars
Camped, handles waiting:
Wads of barbed wire,
Knowing only violence,
From its inherited
Lathered in sweat,
One iguana eye
On the Mets games,
The other tilted
I tilt back the NyQuil
And blur back
To better days.
there is a process
currently at work
it acts on
my perceptions of
is a fluid thing
do not come
all at once
a subtle shift
if despair is death
I am reborn
if hope is my saving grace
I am baptized
solitude leads me
down a path
of self improvement
I make changes
than what I
these are hard lessons
learning to face my fears
learning to conquer
of doubtful moments
I am a survivor
my deepest desire
a better person
to live again
to love again
I took with me all I could,
A quiet moment in bed, blank eyes staring at the ceiling,
A blurring evening, all teeth and lips and fine velvets heaps on the floor.
Your fingers running through my hair, lazy whispers between us.
Take away all things crisp, bland and bleached.
Frantic by the end, I grasped your hand tight.
I carry your actions in my heart. So subtle. Almost weightless.
By day we fight to keep it going
there is no denying the words.
Slowly, carefully, I let go. Unfurl each corner of your cover deftly. Delicately.
Inch by inch we slipped away; your lying and my pseudo-optimism pulled us to different corners.
We were on the opposite ends of the ring now,
Coming together with every punch and kissing it better as we bruise our pathetic egos.
You good babe?
Yes I am. Atleast until we find another reason to be at each other’s throats.
Or until you find another person to chat up.
Or I find a better excuse to make myself feel better.
Here would be a good place to end.
Erase you from my memory, not even a word you said will ring in my ears again.
It wasn’t your fault. His loss. You deserve better.
I know. I know. I fucking know okay.
And I don’t blame myself for what happened.
Just that I wish you wrote our end in the most painless way possible.
- Aashna Pandya
be careful what you tolerate, you’re teaching people how to treat you.
2-4-2020, “… nothing left.”
Brain dead and empty
A mind no longer even capable of coherent thoughts
I haven’t been able to write or form sentences because the fogginess in my head simply doesn’t allow it
The commitment of playing all these roles has drained the last energy from every fibre of my being
All I am is a blank canvas being passed on from one owner to the next
The version of myself which holds possession is responsible for painting myself in accordance with those around me and what the need me to be
I can present myself in a myriad of ways to satisfy the expectations of my character
But underneath it all there is still just a blank canvas
No substance or life or vibrancy exists without others forcing it into existence
I feel nothing but exhaustion and the complete desolation of living so many intertwined lies
Almost every word and action over these past months lacks honesty
With the sting of hearing myself referred to as cruel convincing me to stage this dramatic but ultimately false turn around
I already had nothing left to give but I destroyed myself to keep everyone else happy
So I must force myself to continue this charade until I have no choice but to bring it to an end
Until my body gives in or I finally submit to the truth of my situation
And doing so will mean ending myself
If we date (a listicle)
1. I will tell you how bad your jokes are but smile at them anyway.
2. I will lie down in the middle of a garden or a beach or wherever your body gave up and said “bas, abhi ke liye bas” (enough, enough for now).
3. I will hold your hand and stroke my thumb against yours and stay silent while you pretend not to cry but do it anyway.
4. I will tag in every post just so you get annoyed by the constant notification sounds.
5. I will trace all the muscles and nerves and molecule names I have learnt, on your skin.
6. I will look into your eyes and tell you not to rush as you struggle to get your breath even.
7. I’ll make thirteen your luckiest number because that will be the number of times I say your name for no reason but to call out to you.
8. I’ll push you till you fall over the edge and realise that the height was never something to be afraid of.
9. I won’t talk all the time and hope you understand that that is just how I am : quiet but there.
10. I won’t stop if you want to fly but I hope you share your wings with me, atleast once in a while.
I see that my name doesn’t ring you a bell anymore. Like I’m just someone you used to know but you can barely remember my name or who we are when we’re together. It saddens me knowing that I still remember you, care and love you up until now. But, this is all we can be. I’m still grateful for all the things and days we once shared. —m.m.
I guess part of me always thought in the end it would be me and you..
-I never imagined it would be you and her.
I carry around my
Afraid of its glass like fragility
I hold it tight, enclosed in armor
Afraid that it might shatter
I never trust it with anyone
Believing that it is too precious
I always conceal it, locked away
Believing, that the heart is me and I it
One fateful day, I was
I stumbled, and I fell too far
The armor was just a farce
My heart shattered into a thousand shards
The pieces carpeted the ground
I was shocked, gutted, and paralyzed
Suddenly my world was without sound
I felt that i was going to drown
I looked further, there was just an endless ocean
An endless ocean of tiny shards, shimmering way
They were all the same, nothing precious, just lame
I gave up on the scrambling, it just didn’t matter
The worst had just happened,
I was liberated by my heart shatter
- The Angry Shayar
I still tear at umbilical cord
Grey and rotting
Around my throat
Resistance from infancy
Born with a scar
Haunted often times
Race against time
From the womb
I saw my ruler my mother
Skimming on cyberspace
That is what they do there
Black mirror chase
Time against race
Resistance, kill time
Lite brites human body extension
Economy oracle, tiny VSCO culture
Drives the mind’s eye
Like carbon drives earth
Grey and rotting
Sound of a twisted violin
Damp and naked
Umbilical cord is dust
Some call it an apocalypse
Others a healing
I call it catharsis
“Trees grow taller in darker forests.”
At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter what I wanted. If I got her to smile, laugh and forget about her troubles, even for just a few hours, than I’ve done what I was meant to do. I adjust my role in her life based on what she needs because that is what a partner should do. Understand and adapt between the roles. Friend, counselor, lover, caregiver… what she needed yesterday differs from what she may need today or tomorrow and I’m ready for it. ￼￼
I just dont know how I could have meant so little to someone who meant everything to me.
Its been years since we were together, but sometimes it feels like it was just yesterday we were happy. Like it was just yesterday I was yours and you were mine and everything was right in the world.
But I just found out you’re engaged and suddenly I’m up all night going through our old messages desperately trying to figure out how we went from being in love and not being able to imagine a life where we weren’t together to strangers. I miss you and I think I always will. You were my first love and you were everything to me.
We can call it young love all we want, we can say it didnt matter and we were too young to know what love was, but it’s been 3 years and my heart still aches when I hear your name and I still feel sick when I think of you and I still cant breathe when I think of our relationship and the way you made me feel and if that wasnt love, if that wasnt heart break, I dont want to know what is.