“March breaks in sunlight shining through thunderclouds.
Raindrops on the ground.
Flowers in our pockets.
The world rouses slowly from slumber.
Hope paints a tapestry of possibilities.”
This heat burning
through my skin,
this urgency
gripping us
pulling us under
as we take hold
of each other.
Sparks light up
every part of my body
and together we become
wildfire.
bruised tender heart fluttering in my chest like a sparrow’s wings
“nobody wants to hear that; stop crying
what are you crying for? you’re too sensitive
you have nothing to cry about
you have a roof over your head
food in your belly
there are starving children all over the world
and you’re too spoiled to appreciate what you have
be quiet, i don’t want to hear your voice
don’t give me that flat affect”
bad daughter
too much
not enough
ungrateful
it all echoes through my mind like a frenetic snare drum line
“nobody wants to hear that”
i bite the inside of my cheek until it bleeds
slippery red copper
rubies that i swallow
the taste of rusted metal congealing on my tongue
infusing my tastebuds with that bitter tang
“stop crying”
like i can just tell the tears to retract
settle behind my eyes
tell my cheeks to stop glistening where they left a shiny snail-slick trail
“i don’t want to look at you
where are you going?
i’m not done talking to you”
i know i resemble a deer in the headlights
wide-eyed and frozen stiff
waiting for the impact
a shatter, like cracks in a tea cup
inevitable
inextricable
but that’s worse
“don’t look at me like that
you’re not a kicked puppy
don’t try to make me feel bad”
no way to win
like a rigged carnival game
the barker has a smile like a shark’s
can smell fresh blood from a mile away
i always have enough tickets to win a disappointing prize
i can’t get rid of them
can’t stop cashing them in
always more of the same
“i had it so much worse when i was your age
you’re lucky you have a mother who loves you”
i snort
my mind goes “cha-ching!”
like the winning sound that plays
at the game booth
another prize that i don’t want
“go to your room
get out of here”
if this is love
it’s not in a language i can understand
i try to learn the alphabet
the syllables snag on my teeth
tumble clumsily from my mouth
it’s never enough
doesn’t sound right
but i try
and i try
and i try
and i try
and i try.
i keep trying.
it buzzes in my ears
skitters in my brain
itching my skull
wrinkling my brows
dripping out my nose
it eludes me.
a mother’s love is the most powerful thing there is
it sews you together
makes up the difference when you aren’t strong enough
reinforces all your weak spots
why do i keep caving in?