so this gifset reminded me of the fact that they filmed a version of this scene where cas includes sam when he says this ↓
so i went back and watched it and i noticed the difference (not in the lighting) but in dean’s reaction:
the shot they didn't include ↑
the shot they kept in the episode ↑
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SPN 4x16 On The Head Of A Pin has so many dark fucked-up parental things going on and I love it.
The scenes with Dean and Alastair are so claustrophobic and intimate, with Alastair paternalistic towards Dean in the darkest way. The comments like ‘daddy’s little girl’ and ‘all the poking and prodding’ and talking about John are just the most deliciously screwed-up stuff. Then cut to Sam with Ruby in a fucked up vampiric mothering parody as he drinks blood from her wrist, which feels both Oedipal and like it calls back to Azazel’s line about demon blood being better than mother’s milk. You can also draw a parallel from that to Mary’s original deal to allow Azazel into Sam’s nursery and feed him blood to save John, and Sam dealing with a demon and drinking blood to save Dean.
On top of that we get the angels and their god-daddy issues.
It’s the cycle of intergenerational trauma in full in just one episode. God, I love it so much.
Did Ben Edlund ever write a bad episode? And yes, the one with the fairies has its moments.
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as he breaks
4x16 episode tag | 600 words
Lately, Castiel has found himself wondering.
The feeling is unfamiliar, at first. A little unpleasant, but in a way his vessel recognises. Like the soreness of muscles not accustomed to moving.
And just like working a muscle, it gets easier every time.
—
He wonders about the demon Samhain, and about the orders he is given. He has always believed in the wisdom of God’s plan, has always accepted it without question, but—
The word but rings in his head like a bell struck too hard, and he blinks to clear the sound away.
But, he thinks, and thinks it again, that one word over and over until the ringing fades into the soft tinkle of wind chimes. Until the sound is easy enough to ignore.
But something about these orders makes him uneasy.
He is glad when Dean chooses to save the town, and that, too, feels new.
“Thank God,” he says to Uriel, and the other angel glowers at him.
“God had nothing to do with this,” he says. “The seal was broken. Your human failed.”
“He is not my human,” Castiel says, though this feels false somehow. “But he chose to save one thousand people. Surely that counts for something.”
“You can ask those people how much it counts for when the apocalypse comes,” Uriel says, and so they go, round and round every time the topic comes up.
—
He wonders again when the demons kidnap a reaper, and he is told to stand back and wait. To simply let the pieces fall as they may.
Dean succeeds, this time, and the seal is saved. The small voice at the back of Castiel’s mind is quieted, but only for a moment; then Dean demands to know why he didn’t help. Castiel gives him every answer he’s supposed to, and each feels more hollow than the last.
They are sent to fetch Dean from a motel room in Cheyenne, and Castiel wonders. Beside him, Uriel says all the right things, but Castiel watches Dean’s face when he brings up Pamela’s funeral. And for just a flash of a passing second, Castiel knows. This is not the right course of action. This is not the right thing to do.
But Uriel glares him back in line, as commanding as any archangel, and Castiel squares his shoulders and tells Dean this is their only option.
He only wishes he could convince himself.
—
He can’t quite bring himself to watch. Whatever Dean is doing to Alistair—Castiel knows he is the one who asked Dean to do this, but he cannot bring himself to watch.
This is the only option, he tells himself. We must find out who is killing angels.
But with every sound Alistair makes, Castiel remembers the anguish in Dean’s eyes as he’d begged them not to make him do this. As he’d warned them that if he walks through this door, he will not walk out again the same man.
And he cannot help but wonder. He has always believed that his orders come from a righteous God, but he knows, too, that Dean is a righteous man. He must be, to have broken the first seal. Yet somehow, God’s orders are at odds with what Dean believes to be right, which means one of them must be wrong.
When Anna appears and tells him this feeling is called doubt, Castiel lashes out. The things he says are as instinctive as they are invective, things he knows he is supposed to say. But once she is gone, he is confronted by the fact that she was right.
—
Lately, Castiel has found himself wondering. And wondering, it turns out, is only a whisper away from doubt.
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