Reverse Robin Musings on Superman
aka Clark Kent, M.A. (Journalism), PGDip (Cornhusking)
You are tall and buff and you can FLY
I hereby dub you to be my co-dad
Of course I will go flying with you
Look at my quadruple somersault
Of course you can call me son
Don't be silly Bruce, of course it's not weird
Bet you can clear out Crime Alley in minute
Hey, wait a gosh darned minute
Wanna raid Maroni's criminal compound with me
Oh hi Kon's brother
Yes I am dating your clone
No we will not address it
It makes Bruce sad
He thinks that I'm going to run away to live on the farm
I saw him burning a pair of overalls the other day
I think they were yours
Can I hang out with you
I need to talk to someone who can actually shuck a corncob
It's the sign of a real man
I saw Bruce at the barbeque
And he just pointed at the corn and asked why it was green
Robin III again
And I have this promise ring that Kon gave me <3
It's technically a strand of hay that he tied around my finger
Bruce is acting as though Kon choked him with it or something
He keeps turning purple whenever he sees it
Why did no one tell me that you had not one, but multiple cows
To have the affection of barnyard animals is to be truly wealthy
Father is a pauper, in this regard
You must be a good and noble man
See how the poultry follow in your footsteps
*wipes evil tears away*
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The Robins (plus Duke) as moments from the try guys episode where they get kidnapped
(The last one of these did pretty well and I have more to share so)
Kidnappers: where’s your phone?
Dick: it dropped outside
Kidnappers: why’s it outside? Why’s it not on you?
Dick: I don’t like the way it makes my pants look
Duke: what’s being kidnapped usually like? Is it like an escape room?
Jason: it’s more like a bdsm room
Tim: I was afraid of being kidnapped as a kid. And there was this one nightmare I remember, where the kidnappers got to me and I just started screaming “I love you”
Dick: the royal family have to get trained for live kidnapping situations. Meghan Markle had to go through a kidnapping scenario like we did today. So I’m basically… married to prince Harry. Except I’m gonna have a better dress
Stephanie: I’m gonna put the nap in kidnap!
Duke: (talking about Batman’s survival training) he’s the kind of guy who goes into the woods and bites into raccoon neck for like, sustenance
Jason: I’m not scared, I’m kind of like… hard. Nope that wasn’t the word I wanted to say
*laughter from his siblings*
Jason: I meant hard like I’m tough not hard like, stop laughing dickhead I didn’t mean it that way
Dick: (clutching his stomach and cackling)
Stephanie: Tim’s the best at strategy because he plays a lot of board games, Jason and Damian are obviously the craziest. Me? I can create a distraction. Then we’ll throw Duke at them and run away
Dick: now I’ve heard of Stockholm syndrome which is where you fall in love with your kidnapper. I’m not saying that’s gonna happen today, but that could happen today
Jason: you look so stupid right now
Tim: *messing with his handcuffs* thank you
Tim: wait, can I just- *starts pulling his hand out*
Others: slender wrists! Slender wrists! Slender wrists!
Duke: have any of you ever been in a situation like this?
Damian: I got into a cab once, it was going in circles and the driver kept changing directions and talking on the phone. Eventually I just put a knife to his throat.
Dick: I’m the run guy, he’s the stab guy
Jason: this is some dark shit y’all
Stephanie: is it weird that I’m excited?
Damian: *immediately kicks a henchman’s leg and makes a run for it when they put hoods over everyone’s heads* *gets caught and brought back to the others*
Dick: (conversationally) hey Dami how’d you do?
Damian: I made it about 50 yards
Stephanie: oh that’s pretty far
Random henchman: get down on the floor! No talking!
Dick: (lying facedown) what about singing?
Henchman: (kicks dust over him)
*muffled laughter from the other kids*
Stephanie: (mocking the others bc she’s not actually adopted) you’ll never get away with this, my dad is a very powerful man. Ooooh when my dad finds out about this
Jason: okay I’ve got a bunch of tape, what did you all get?
Duke: I got zip ties
Dick: I’m handcuffed pretty tight
Tim: wanna trade?
Jason: (motioning to a lock pick shiv he’s got in a secret pocket) okay unzip my pants
Dick: (unsure what’s going on but down for it) okay yeah
Tim: I don’t know about you guys, but I’m sweating like crazy right now. Feel my hand
Jason: no I don’t need to feel it that’s gross
Tim: I think I can just slip out
Duke: oh no way
Stephanie: his sweat lubed it up!
Dick: Tim’s anxiety is the best secret weapon
Duke: wait you guys it sounds like they’re torturing Jason
Jason: (In the distance) ow my dick!
Stephanie: *barely holding back laughter*
Damian: Drake you know what you have to do now, when they’re torturing you you have to slip out and kill them
*the goons returning from an interrogations*
*muffled giggling as the kids try to get their hoods and restraints back on*
Dick: wait, help!
Stephanie: you’re on your own man!
Goons: so who has the most money?
Jason: oh Tim definitely (immediately throwing him under the bus)
Goons: wow you really don’t hesitate to give each other up do you?
Goons: *spray something in Dick’s face*
Dick: is that axe body spray?
Dick: oh that’s really bad actually
Goon #1: disgusting isn’t it?
Dick: (cheerfully) yeah!
Goon #2: purest form of torture
Goons: so apparently this group’s leader is Tim
Tim: what are you talking about?
Goons: on your feet Timmy
Tim: oh I’ll do that, that’s fine, I just want it to be on the record that I am the leader, I’m the number one (being dragged away)
Goon #1: this is bear mace, you ever been bear maced?
Duke: I have not seen bear mace no, I can guess though, that it’s mace but bear strength
Jason: *trying to help get Dick’s hood off with his hands tied* come towards me I can probably do it with my knees
Dick: wha- you can just use your hands. You’re just humping my head
Stephanie: (joining the chaos) no wait hold still
*inaudible hump talk*
Stephanie and Jason: 1 2 3, go!
*they actually manage to get the hood off*
Dick: it did work, but it was super awful
Tim: I don’t know if you know this but nobody loves me, it’s kind of my shtick
Goons: who has the money?!
Tim: (rattling off business statistics)
Goon #1: you just like to babble and spit out a bunch of shit huh?
Duke: it’s how I think when I’m nervous!
Goon #2: how do you talk when you’re in pain?
Duke: pretty much the same
Goon: what’s wrong with you?!
Tim: oh so many things
*back in the main room*
Stephanie: (as she’s being dragged away) may I just say that you’re doing a great job, you have a beautiful operation here
Goon: *insults Damian*
Damian: I’ll remember that when I cut off your head
Stephanie: *fixing Duke’s hood to look like Yoda ears*
Tim: I told them my shtick is that nobody loves me
Dick: we love you!
Tim: okay then you pay my f*cking random
Damian: not all of us
Jason: (to Duke) (with authority) interrogation 101, you give them nothing dude
Goons: *forcing Tim to stand in a wall sit position*
Tim: oh is this exercise? This is gonna be so uncomfortable
Dick: oh! We got it! We got it!
*the others shushing him*
Dick: okay yeah shh you guys, shh, we got it!
*the kids walking away mostly barefoot after escaping*
Stephanie: (holding up the hoods) I’m keeping this as a souvenir!
Dick: lets just go until we find like-
Tim: a Starbucks
Duke: does it have to be a Starbucks?
Tim: it has to be a Starbucks I want a caramel macchiato
Jason: can we get fro-yo?
Stephanie: I’m very proud of myself, I escaped and I annoyed my captors relentlessly
Dianian: they probably would have killed you first as a message to the rest of us
Tim: I would like the record to state that they called me the leader
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Reverse Robin Musings on The Penguin
What do the Robins think about Gotham's richest baddie?
I am taller than someone
I like birds, they are probably not going to kidnap me
Oh no they're kidnapping me :(
My love for all creatures great and small has endangered me
Welp, time to punch some birds I guess
Hey it's the rich guy with the bird fetish
Lol did you seriously try to attack me with birds
Bitch I'm from Crime Alley
I caught and ate pigeons on a daily basis
I bet penguins are more nutritious though
Why you crying
If you gonna throw flippers at me, then you'd better get ready to be eaten
What did you just say
Bitch you did not just say that you're the richest man in Gotham
*proceeds to throw dollar bills at Penguin*
This is called death by a thousand papercuts
Eventually your cuts will get infected and you'll die
Because this is Gotham money, and its pretty gross tbh
What do you mean how did I track you down
There's a literal trail of bird shit that leads here
I feel like Dorothy in Wizard of Oz
Only my road is bird poop
And my friend is Batman :/
Robin III again
Oh heard you had to go to the hospital for a MRSA infection
Told you Gotham money is filthy
I hope that the hospitalization cost you a lot of money
See, this is why we need universal healthcare
The healthcare system is the true villain
Birds in captivity!
Fiend, I shall release these noble birds from your hold
And then I shall probably kill you
Batman will never find the body
Drake said he'd help me hide it
To cement his place as richest man in Gotham
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The Robins as moments from the Try Guys “try not to die alone” video
(Bat wilderness survival training)
Bruce: over the next 24 hours I’m going to be training you five. And if you don’t perform, you will die.
Stephanie: *eating a cookie*
Bruce: can I see that?
Bruce: *throws the cookie directly into the woods*
Bruce: you don’t fail, you either quit or you die.
Tim: and dying is just the body’s way of quitting
Damian: *deadpan* I’m excited to kill something
*Bruce demonstrating how to construct a simple shelter*
Jason: and is this the foremost point where you stick the head of a prized animal to ward off other survivors?
Dick: other survivors?
Tim: I know how to put sticks on sticks!
Jason: I think Timmy or Dickhead will probably die first. We may need to harvest them for food. I think Dick will be the tastiest
Bruce: empty your pockets
Dick: well I was gonna call Kori…
Bruce: that’s nice *takes his phone anyways*
Stephanie: *reluctantly hands over another cookie*
Bruce: is that all of them?
Stephanie: *pouts but produces a third cookie from god only knows where*
Tim: how many of those did you bring?
Bruce: I will be back in the morning to pick you, or your bodies up. Just remember that nature hates you and wants you dead. GO!
*Jason and Damian immediately take off in separate directions*
Jason: F*ck you demon spawn!
Damian: F*ck you Todd, f*ck you!
Tim: I would like a hug
Dick: yeah c’mere
Tim: alright, survive, don’t die
Dick: yeah I’ll see you or your body in the morning I guess
Stephanie: do I have to go this way?
Stephanie: ok, this is stupid
Damian: here are my predictions: Todd is probably just running around screaming “what’s up” at plants. Grayson at this point has to have stripped down and tried to “become nature”. Drake and Brown will probably die.
Stephanie: *opening her pack* ooh kazoos! How many kazoos can I play at once? *kazoo noises* the answer: seven
Damian: god makes man, man makes spear, man stabs fish with spear!
Tim: let’s play a game of “can I eat you?” *poking at random plants* will this kill me?
Jason: gotta set a pee perimeter to keep the bears away
Damian: *finds a stuffed elephant in his pack* I will name you Stacy the elephant
Dick: puppy stickers? Oh good there’s kitten stickers too.
Tim: I miss coffee so much. I just wanna go home.
Stephanie: you take the fire starter cube, and you chop it up until it looks like a little pile of cocaine
Jason: I don’t know the “proper” way to extinguish a fire. *pees on the fire*
Tim: I found this beetle, and it’s the last thing that I absolutely didn’t wanna eat. But… *crunching noises* ewie ew ew ew
Jason: *gleefully* I found a gun!
Dick: well, time to go find other people
Jason: *from behind him* hey Dick
Dick: JASON! *sprints over for a hug*
Jason: I found a gun!
Dick: *already hugging him* Jason!
Damian: *introducing Stacy to his siblings* his name is Richard
Dick: what? But I, oh you’re talking to the-
Damian: I’m talking to the elephant yes.
Jason: so if it came down to it, if there was an apocalypse, and there were zombies,
Tim: *offscreen* there’s not gonna be zombies!
Jason: but if there were zombies
Stephanie: pack cookies! If nothing else pack cookies!
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