Fictional Products II: Dryguarde’s Ice Cream Truck In A Box
Yes, we’re doing one of these again, though this time it’s a bit different! This time, it involves one product that is actually multiple products!
The Ice Cream Truck In A Box was the result of a confluence of factors thanks to the machinations of one Sullivan Straub. Straub was the CEO of the Dryguarde Ice Cream Company
He’d been involved as a designer for many years and was only appointed as an emergency measure, thanks to the disastrous previous secretly-criminal CEO getting caught using the business as his personal money-laundering ring as he had his others, in a tale too sordid to tell right now, leaving them with quite a few burdens that the previous CEO had acquired as a means of further .
They had deals with a bunch of obscure foreign firms to distribute their products; far too many to effectively market/compete for shelf space, had bought up a previously competitive rival that was now a shambles due to mismanagement before they’d bought it, having produced legions of flops, and there was their own legion of flops produced more to keep funneling money through than to actually sell.
It’s said that Straub came up with the idea for fixing all of this one sunny day while an ice cream truck was rolling down the block. He went to get some, but he’d found out that they’d stocked it with all their old flavors due to how much they were clogging up store shelves and needed to find some way to get rid of them, and he saw the kids.
Though, really, he says that idea happened several eyars before he’d entered the position, but it had been bouncing around in his head for a whilte bouncing around in his head for a while, and now he wanted to apply it to solve his troubles...
He marketed all these brands in one, high-profile package, a box shaped like an Ice Cream Truck with randomly-inserted ice creams and put out a marketing blitz for it, under the idea of “Now you don't have to chase the truck anymore!”. Though the advertizing, which featured bitter; out of work ice cream men lamenting how they couldn't compete with the Truck and their (ineffectual) attempts to sabotage it, rankled some of their distributors, it was a hit!
While the fact that it was relatively underpriced compared to other ice-cream products thanks to the bulk selection, it helped that they'd had a boost in the form of a very prominent stand-up comedian of the time use it as the centerpiece of an act. Granted, that act was mainly “What in god's name is this bullshit?!” at some of the odder flavors, but publicity is publicity, and it ended up working to their advantage!
And so, it ended up as their flagship product, able to keep them afloat for years while they slowly climbed their way back up; even allowing to test some of their newer flavors that became hits. While there's enough flavors for a second post; not even counting the recent test-marketed revival(s), here's a few of the more notable ones:
Fatty Boy P- The lasting evidence of the previous CEO's dickery, being an equivalent almost to a The Producers-type scheme, this “thick, rich” whitish-pink strawberry-vanilla flavored pop purportedly originally had as its gimmick that it was much thicker and longer than the other brands, the pop looked nothing so much as a penis, and consumers rejected it outright.
The truck, however, did give it a second chance at life, given that people began to realize the taste was actually really delicious, and there was even a second attempt at marketing it outside the truck (Though that failed)
Squash Soda: An attempt at translating the soda flavoring by the Breulen Brothers to sherbert, in the form of a flavorless ice-slurry where kids applied their own flavors; it did not do well due to the relative obscurity of the tie-in and the fact that the flavors often were somewhat off due to production difficulties.
To cut costs, they used generic soda syrup instead of the elaborate flavor-compounds the Breulens' made for the versions produced for the Truck, but this actually worked far better taste-wise than the originals; even the Breulens agreed.
Hell Appels- A Japanese brand thought previously un-distributable in the US thanks to the Satanic imagery in its design, albeit bizarre and abstract in its usage, the gimmick was it was an apple-flavored popsicle shaped like a golden-colored apple, and at the center there was a rolled-up comic, a small plastic scroll with a comic printed on it ala a somewhat larger Bazooka Joe comic with demons, which resembled nothing so much as a short-length bizarro-world bizarrely violent satanic Chick-tract in aesthetics and tone, albeit replacing fundamentalist christianity with anime insanity, usually untranslated in US releases which actually didn't end up making them much more nonsensical than they already were
The comics have ended up as cult classics, though they actually came from a pre-existing work and their story is much longer and much weirder in Japan than in the US, and there's a nice book you can find on the history thereof on AliExpress, if you know where to look.
Blackheads- Always really considered duds, these were small packages of Mochi with a lemon ice-cream center and a black licquorich “cap” on the top, meant to resemble a zit as a part of the gross-out craze of when it was produced. The public then demonstrated that it did have its limits there and even kids did not want to eat the pus of a zit, though, the frankly disgusting mascot design didn't help matters, along with the relatively mediocre taste. Even amongst fans of The Truck, this flavor was quite notoriously a dud, and you never wanted to see a Truck with a bunch of them in there.
Redd Skeletons- Named after the comedian but with a slight naming-tweak, these were still sued out of existence by the man himself over trademark law; only saved by the fact that the Truck's peculiar identity allowed them to get around it, these were relatively simple, vanilla ice cream dyed red between two layers of red velvet-cake flavored cookie, in the shape of a skull.
Simple, disticntive, and what immediately came to mind for most people when you mentioned The Truck.
Beef Roast- A very old brand, as evidenced by the bizarre name, this was simply a very rich “rolled” looking chocolate pop fortified with various “nutrients” and having a hint of odd umami taste, which had its fans but also had its not-fond-of-at-alls.
Spokas- Of course, nobody would defend this flavor, a Mexico-originating chile-flavored thing with a cartoon ghost mascot; despised even in its own country, with a taste that was not only unpleasantly dissonant but also always tasted weirdly like it was contaminated with something even though no tests ever showed it.
Kids always learned to fear “The Ghost,” as it was nicknamed, and reportedly even in its home country it was loathed; only staying afloat thanks to some apparently shady dealings by the proprietor.
Do-Nutz- A flavor that bombed the first time thanks to the deeply unpleasant mascot, who has been described as “sounding like he's coming on to you even when he's not,” the flavor is considered one of the best, something like an ice cream sandwich but with doughnut material; with there being glazed doughnut and cake doughnut varieities, in place of the usual cookie and a flavor combination that most folks say hasn't been replicated ever.
There are many more where that came from, but then that leaves one to ask, what happened to a product that was so popular it even acquired the common nickname of simply “The Truck” in casual conversation?
Simply put, it outlived its use. Despite consistently high sales, the varieties of ice cream they could find to acquire cheaply to put in The Truck was dwindling; people were tiring of the usual flavors; and there's only so many things you can test market through such a thing. And, by the time it became unprofitable to maintain it? They had other, better products, and its creator was long gone from the company by then.
So, they axed it. There were a few test-marketed attempts at bringing it back, but they were deemed either unprofitable or met with lukewarm consumer response. Though, Mr Straub has made waves with a few indications at his new company, there may be a true successor coming, simply known by that old nickname The Truck...
Thank you all so much for reading, apologies for being late! Fun fact, this choice of topic for this week was chosen by my five-dollar backers answering a poll on my Patreon!
So if you wanna get involved in producing these too, feel free to join, where you can get previews, polls, and even commission-y work at the higher tiers!
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And, as per usual, feel free to use this fictional product and its history however you’d like, as long as you credit me, Thomas F. Johnson, somewhere as its creator somewhere when ya do!
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