barely breathing, submitting to beatings,
given up on hopes and dreams,
that was the man I used to be.
I found love and joy out in the sea
and I latched onto the lifeboat
but I couldn’t pull myself up by its strings.
I held on through choppy water
like a bag of bones tied off at the bow.
rope wrapped up around my neck
dragging us both down,
to the ocean floor.
I gave her no choice but to cut the cord.
.
living life as a shell of a soul tied into flesh,
occupying empty rooms in my mind,
half dressed emotion was all I could give.
as though that would be enough
to support the life, we were supposed to live.
as though laughs and jokes could fill the empty spaces
in which I hid all my pains and fears.
until you had nothing left to give
because we’d lived this way for years.
.
you’d given me miles of rope
but I’d perfected the hangman’s noose.
I’d tie them up and hide them
in my closet of worn-down shoes
that I’d keep wearing, despite the need to replace.
I was never good at change because it was me, I couldn’t face.
.
when the straw that broke the camels back finally came,
you didn’t run away but you held me in the rain,
that poured from my eyes.
you drove my crippled form to the hospital the next day,
you sat as I confessed, my need for suicide.
you sat with me when I failed to follow through with therapy,
when I didn’t make the calls I should have,
and I should have known that would be the end of we.
but I was never good at change, I was never good at me.
.
maybe its too little to late for us, I don’t know,
but I’m a tree on a cliff now, roots taking hold and starting to grow.
I can feel life inside me, and it feels like hope.
I’m not dead yet but I am dead set on getting myself together
so my branches can be strong enough to face any weather.
I can’t believe I put it off for so long,
but I’m keeping those appointments now.
I’m doing things for me,
and I’m finding out what it means
to be the me I want to be.
-More Than Breathing-
BL 2022
.
I am not alone. You are not alone.
988 is the National Suicide and Crisis Hotline (USA)
My inbox is always open.
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lessons i learned growing up:
i was eight when
my mom and my sister and i were sitting at a bus stop
i think, when some guy came up to say
"those're some pretty girls you got, miss, you've got to be careful
All the boys'll be chasing them one day"
i'm sure smiled and acted polite, because that's what we were taught
always please-and-thank-you-and-excuse-me-my-fault
perfect training for the rest of my life
a perfect daughter or a perfect wife
an object for boys to chase and use
a mouse on the run with a cat on the loose.
but don't worry—
it's just because they like you.
i was thirteen when
the boys sitting behind me in the bleachers
touched my shirt and bra and then walked away.
but they probably just liked me, i should take it as a compliment
and really, i should put it in perspective
it;s not exactly like i was raped, i should just get over it
my case is clean cut and simple and 'lucky,' at a glance.
maybe if i dressed in
long-shirts-and-sweaters-and-baggy-pants
and
sat-with-friends-and-stayed-quiet-and-always-sit-at-the-back-of-the-room
they'd leave me alone.
(idliketogohomeidliketogohomeidliketogohomeNOW)
and someone told me
boys will be boys, they'll learn their lesson.
i was fifteen when
walking to the coffee shop across from my dance studio,
a man on the street called out to me
"lookin good, gorgeous!"i kept walking, my sweatpants and hoodie
like twenty foot tall beacons showing me off.
and i was too scared to say anything back
boys will be-- men will be men,
better just to ignore it, after all, it happens to everyone.
i am sixteen and
the supreme court is deciding whether women, whether girls
can abort, and six men and three women decide whether all women
are more than an eight-by-five piece of flesh and tissue.
so the next day my mom picked up her car keys and
told my sister and me to make some signs before
driving us up an hour to washington dc to see how to finally,
finally,
use our voices.
and they're joined by a thousand others around us-
when human rights are under attack, what do we do?
stand up, fight back.
to the eight year old girl who was just a pretty toy for some unknown boy
(who'll never exist)
you'll grow up stronger, you'll learn to resist.
when human rights are under attack, what do we do?
Stand Up, Fight Back.
to the thirteen year old who's still haunted by
the skin that she thought she'd flaunted
but the truth is it's the boy whos at fault
always has been, always was.
When Human rights are under Attack, what do we do?
STAND UP FIGHT BACK!
to the sixteen year old standing right here, right now, there is not any power i lack.
and the hurt and the anger that always erodes
my confidence after being beaten by wave after wave
has been built back again and i swear to GOD it won't cave
so Listen here, listen now
cus this isn't about writing a poem for class
hell, i'm not even in it—
it's about being a part of a change that lasts.
can you feel it?
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By blood, by bond, by pain,
Family formed is the strongest feeling felt.
Once gained the loss will leave you yearning for that feeling anywhere.
I thought that feeling would never leave with you.
Safe in your arms, the warmth would surround me overwhelmingly.
Now all I feel is cold as your hands lock around mine.
I feel your weight on me crushing,
If I let go you’ll crumble, if I hold on I'll suffocate.
Desperately trying to freeze time to let us breath in the cracks,
The right hand strikes 0 now, surrounded by cold, I lay.
I don't feel you anymore.
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