Symphogear, EP. 6
Last Time on Grand Theft Auto:
Tsubasa recovers from the world’s gayest coma as Hibiki trains her mind while putting aside such silly concepts as “the love of my life” and “literally being with my girlfriend.” After cooling Miku’s paranoia with her brand new washboard abs, Genjuro prepares the team for a pizza run across the city to deliver a dangerously hot pizza pie named Durandal. Chaos emerges as the delivery is intercepted by a rival pizza gang, lead by the nefarious Gremlin known as Yukine Chris. But, before the pizza could be claimed, dedicated pizza deliverywoman Hibiki not only steals it back, but eats it, harnessing the power of the pizza and unleashing cheesy pasta based chaos around the location.
Ryoko is so into it that she taps into her superpowers and protects Hibiki after she passes out. The delivery is considered a failure, and no tip is given.
And so, the journey continues...
Meanwhile, in this weird, tricked out mansion...
Chris meditates on some water metaphors of her own.
“that pacman colored freak took only touching it to activate a cheap ass french sword that gave her weird demon powers and its taken me YEARS to use this dumb stripper outfit and the funny cane that goes with it, what the FUCK man, what even is my life”
“maybe... maybe honeybaked hams ARE that powerful...”
“NO! turkey is the superior meat! it’s healthier, lower in fat, and way more tasty! fuck you! i’ll get my goddamned revenge!”
Chris begins musing about Fine’s motivations to capture Hibiki; during these, we’re treated to some brief image flashbacks of Chris’s life.
Suddenly, those jokes about food are a lot less funny.
It doesn’t take a genius to put two and two together as to why this young woman is helping a strange nudist dominatrix spread alien terror across the city of mumblednoises, Japan. She doesn’t really have many an option on the table. It’s either help the weird kinkster with her plans, or die.
Despite everything, she has a high opinion of Fine, for the same reasons someone might have a high opinion of a television show if it were the only show they were ever exposed to. She is deeply afraid of being alone again, because she has lived through such misery that the very thought of existing out in the cold again terrifies the shit out of her.
The Sun rises casually amidst Chris’s thoughts.
“ah shit. it just hit me. i literally have spent the entire night standing here instead of actually going the fuck to sleep. goddamnit.”
On such a devious metaphorical twist, Fine stands behind her as the Sun rises.
“yeah, jokes on you. i couldnt sleep for shit either. turns out, all nude, no blankets? in japan? real bad idea.”
“thats why i decided to GO GOTH, babey! whattaya think? do i give those witchy vibes, huh? real ‘black magic woman’ santana hours? feeling cute, gonna head out with the girls and summon satan in the woods kinda aesthetic looking shit? come on, be real with me. does this not look baller?”
“you look like morticia decided to go to the grocery store to buy some wonder bread, but other than that, its a step up from your usual pussy out attitude, so sure”
“you know i decided to get some brain cells on loan from Brain Cells R Us, and ive been thinking this solomon cane stuff is solomon lame. i dont need this dumb oversized harry potter cosplay prop to get shit done. also, murder is... sorta bad? im still trying to get the brain cell stuff down.”
“i can punch just as good as goody two shoes if not better.”
“lol go do it then champ, im gonna go cut down a forest of trees now”
And so, they both just kinda... stand there.
“QUACK, NEXT SCENE, QUACK”
Meanwhile, Tsubasa is rapidly trying to rehabilitate herself from her wounds like walking like a madman, her IV drip presumably filled with Taco Bell brand Doritos Locos Tacos super spicy nacho cheese. Taco Bell: Live Mas.
“im gonna clear every fucking taco bell in your goddamned memory, kanade”
“think outside the bun! wait, what? that was a taco bell slogan? ah fuck it, im dead. what nerd’s gonna try and correct me?”
“i would, kanade. i am that nerd.”
Tsubasa is hell bent to try and understand Kanade’s simple philosophy of helping others selflessly. Unfortunately, when Kanade died, she took all the brain cells between them in the process, so coming to this epiphany is a work in progress.
“listen its a fucking miracle you are 1. alive and 2. able to have your blood run on the garbage melted plastic taco bell tries to dupe people into believing is cheese so why dont you just lie down and think of better franchises to eat from”
“no! you dont understand! taco bell is a franchise of the PEOPLE! their meals are cheap and filling and- and the chicken quesadillas are of good quality for their price! i promised kanade- my vow to the death. taco bell... ergh... now and forever... i-”
“wait. my gay senses are tingling.”
It’s Hibiki, probably running track with Miku.
“oh yeah... her... i should probably apologize to her. about trying to kill her. and then letting her almost be kidnapped. and just giving her a general hard time about something that wasn’t explained to her in the slightest for months. she’s a good bean.”
Tsubasa proceeds to never canonically apologize to Hibiki throughout the entirety of all 4 seasons of Symphogear.
Look at em run. See, it’s a metaphor, because they haven’t communicated yet and they’re running from their problems! But they’re running towards Tsubasa, who is part of the representative problem these two share! Clearly literary genius.
It’s like someone went halfway into writing an NTR plotline and went “maybe this isn’t a good idea to market our songs on.”
Hibiki is still thinking about her Hellshake Yano moment with Durandal. Mainly how she nearly killed someone with it. Hibiki is very starkly in the “killing is bad, and wrong” camp of morality, a trait currently unique to her that she’ll wind up teaching literally everyone else she meets one way or another.
Some could argue the L stands for Lydian, and they’re wrong. It stands for Lesbian.
“that was one hell of a run, hibiki! im pooped! why dont we go to the locker room and call it a day, have a nice shower and just get some dinn-”
“this is the last straw.
i clean your plates. i cook your food. we eat, shit, shower, and sleep in the same FUCKING area, and this is how you repay me? huh? you think being your wife is easy shit, hibiki? half the damn time you’re running off like clark kent having food poisoning and the other half ive gotta babysit you, the emotional equivalent of a preteen clown, to make sure your life doesn’t self destruct harder than Atlantis sinking into the ocean. im done! i am DONE. im reopening my tinder, im slamming my ass BACK into okcupid, and im gonna date some CUTE ACADEMY GIRLS that treat me BETTER than this ABSOLUTE BETRAYAL OF HEART AND IM NOT CRYING I SWEAR ITS JUST THE SWEAT IN MY EYES AND HIBIKI HOW COULD YOU-”
“oh yeah, sure! hey, lemme just do a few more laps, ive just been feeling judgmental about myself and my figure, you know? gotta push myself further...”
“o-oh yeah, sure. no worries, ill wait for you. love you too, hibiki...”
The girls bathe together, as good friends typically do.
“hey you ever notice the showers here have like, weird psuedo-luxurious minipools to bathe in? like, how rich is this school?”
“whoever made this place is either rich or a pervert. or both, probably!”
Miku remarks that Hibiki has changed since she’s entered Lydian, in a manner most unheterosexual.
“oh FUCK you really DO have washboard abs now! ohhh my god.”
“damn, those abs were heavenly. let’s get pancakes later.”
I won’t screenshot it but something to note is that they actually wear each other’s corresponding underwear colors (or even, if you want to examine more closely, each other’s underwear). Here’s an equivalent scene to give you the mental image.
This is the face of someone who knows what they want and already have it. Such is the power of Kohinata Miku.
Meanwhile, Genjuro comes back from the funeral of the guy the Americans filled violently and with impunity.
“yo that all black look looks baller. i should borrow that look... id look pretty gothy in it.”
“ryoko i sympathize with your sharp, fashionista eye but this was for a funeral, i was paying my respects to the dead. thats the usual dress code.”
“didnt know they updated that. i remember back in my day, we just went in white garments and chanted in latin!”
“shit was fire. literally. lots of funeral pyres.”
“lmao ryoko buddy your larping sessions arent actual history”
“hey dont shit on larping around me. i used to be a professional larper while i was majoring in acting. helped really sell my career when i had to pretend to slay the Dark Lord Jyarloen atop the mountain of skulls in Hargobor after my family was killed by the Dark Army. asshole.”
“haha yeah, larping, thats cool yeah, i do that
“oh yeah? you wanna join my larping session sometime then? we’re gonna do an ancient babylon plot thats inspired by some anime, itll be fun”
“.....................................im super into realism.”
“i know im dressed for a funeral but id like to not part ways with my dignity yet. besides, we’ve got serious shit to talk about. basically, we’re on the verge of getting shitcanned.”
As it turns out, the death of this politician removed the last obstacle of opposition to maintain the 2nd Division, as the average criticism against the 2nd Division is “why are we funding this mystery division when we don’t know what they do”. Of course, the sensible idea for an organization that defeats the Noise is to declassify it, given people of different jobs and positions have physically seen the Symphogear in action, but you know. “Oh no, the other governments will come after us” stick gets shaken.
“im in a union. i know my rights. you’re not taking my acting job here away from me.”
“im not going back to be a preschool teacher. its been ten year. the bites on my ankles still havent healed...”
“yeah man, shit sucks ass. i cant fund my adoption habits if im fired.”
Look at these cinematic parallels. Symphogear truly is a franchise made by someone living in 3030.
“worst part is the new minister is super into america. he’s a... westaboo.”
“did he just unironically say westaboo”
“he said westaboo. oh my god. this is the hell timeline.”
“i mean people kept calling me that for worshipping all these fighting flicks so i guess it fit? i dont see the problem here”
Meanwhile, in Lydian Academy...
“so it hit me, right? we’re ALL girls. and we ALL sing. now, humor me a moment. what if... what if we’ve all been recruited to potentially be superheroes... through our singing? like, there’s no coincidence that all this shit happens around us, right? and a famous singer LIVES here? i saw the black cars outside! weird shit is happening here- im not even gonna eat the all you can eat bar anymore!”
“kathy there is literally no such thing as superheroes who sing. this place is more likely to be a organ harvesting op than whatever madness you’re saying”
“what? you need me, a singing superhero, to go stop a problem happening underneath the school, a location meant to recruit young women into potentially becoming fellow crime fighting singers?”
“yeah im too busy poppin’ caps in asses so go kick ass in my place”
“.....................................who ya talkin to, hibiki?”
“the boss! gotta go do a thing again...”
“hibiki, i dont like the fact that capitalism is tearing us apart.”
“you’ve gotta join me in the revolution, hibiki. you. me. luxury automated gay space communism. aint it the dream? share my vision, hibiki. its glorious.”
“n... no...? no gay space communism today? well, what about tomorrow? or the next day? or... maybe the next day? baby steps, you say? but, direction action, hibiki! we’ve gotta strike now!”
“it’s okay hibiki. when i take over the world and destroy all first world government leaders, and unite the globe in my encompassing reign and love... ill make sure to spare you, and be my bride to be.”
“thanks miku. im just not ready yet for the globe to burn in an unending ball of fire as the continents fuse into a new utopia composed of our combined wills. also, ive really gotta go, its genuinely an emergency.”
“for the cause!”
“yes hibiki... for the cause...”
Admittedly, you can see the stages of grief Miku goes through when she sees Hibiki say she can’t join her for pancakes. It’s sad. This side story sucks.
Meanwhile, as it turns out, the problem Hibiki needed to resolve was checking on Tsubasa to see if she hadn’t dissolved into Taco Bell brand hot n’ spicy Tabasco sauce.
“god, cant believe taco bell was closed. now i gotta deliver these lame ass flowers”
“cant wait to get threatened again. wonder what she’ll say. ‘hibiki, i should have killed you when i had the chance.’ or ‘you’re so goddamned weak. i could break your spine with my fingernail’, or some other stuff about metaphors. oh, my stops here”
“HEY BITCH WHATS GOOD-”
“you are already”
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the quesarito bliss
It starts, as a lot of things in her life has lately, with a weird text from Nate.
yoga stoner: we can finally enjoy quesarito bliss together
Zari stares at the message blankly for about two minutes, breaking her intense conversation on making a birthday present for Ava. The beanie is left abandoned in pursuit of answers for this puzzle her boyfriend has handed her.
z: how high are you right now
yoga stoner: just a teeny bit i’m chillin with sara it’ss fine
yoga stoner: we got taco bell delivered cuz ya know. munchies
yoga stoner: well u wouldn’t but!
yoga stoner sent her a photo
She zooms in on the screenshot. Black Bean Quesarito. Huh.
Obviously, meatless options were becoming much more popular these days. This was something she was very thankful for, because it was rare to find a McDonalds that used halal meat in their chicken nuggets. But, even without that barrier, Zari had never longed for a quesarito.
There was still a little part of her that wondered what the fuck was so good about them, though. It was a burrito wrapped in a quesadillo, from Taco-fucking-Bell.
z: our taco bell? tomorrow night at 10?
yoga stoner: why so late
z: i’m afraid to go there during the day
z: i can’t be spotted at taco bell
yoga stoner: noted
Their fateful date at the Taco Bell by Highway 19 is nothing special. Nate picks her up in his Prius, they head down there and pretend heading to a Taco Bell at 10 PM is a thing normal people do.
“It’s still our Taco Bell,” he says as he parks. “Time doesn’t exist in Taco Bell.”
“That’s not how time works. It doesn’t stop when we walk into a fast food establishment,” Zari replies.
“No, but it stops when I look in your eyes.” He gives her a goofy grin, and although his sappier lines tend to make her roll her eyes, she leans in to kiss him across the console.
It’s the chipper cashier again, who doesn’t bat an eye when Nate casually uses the phrase ‘quesarito bliss’ as they’re giving her their order.
Zari is considering starting a jar for him to drop a quarter in every time he says it. Maybe she can save up so they can go check out that bar with arcade games downtown. It’d definitely be worth it.
She briefly considers texting Mona about it as a joke, but then she has to explain the whole Taco Bell thing. The good thing about having a vegetarian as a roomate, she’s learned, is not having to worry about the whole takeout/cooking meals situation. The halal market is a few too many blocks away for her to be too torn up about a 75% meat-free diet.
At least she gets first dibs on the shrimp fried rice when they order Chinese. She can complain about the matchmaking attempts, but when it comes to everything else, Mona’s a pretty cool roomie.
When their order arrives, Nate hands her the black bean quesarito like it’s a bar of gold and not a limp burrito. He looks far too happy about it.
“What is up with you and this quesarito business, anyways?” Zari asks as she unwraps it.
He shrugs. “Maybe it’s a good luck food. After all, I got it that first time we came here, then the night of Sara and Ava’s wedding.”
The quesarito is nothing impressive. There’s fake grill marks on it, a little bit of the filling squeezing out as she picks it up.
“Cheers, I guess.” She holds it out so he can tap his against it, before taking a bite.
One word - oozy. It’s a lot less solid that she thought it would be. But it’s not half-bad, despite that she can feel a tiny bit of sauce dripping down her hand.
Zari looks up at Nate and meets him in the eyes. He’s smiling at her, looking like he’s about to burst into laughter. “What?”
“You got some -” He chuckles a little before picking up a napkin. “Like, right on your lip.”
She puts it down, letting a little bit of the gooey insides leak out onto the wrapper. There’s indeed a spot of the cheese sauce on her lip, along with the smear on her hand. “That is- so messy, how do you eat that?”
“Yeah, I think the other ones are more solid,” Nate says. He still looks ridiculously humored by the whole situation, the trial and error of Taco Bell’s meatless options. “Are you experiencing Quesarito Bliss™?”
Her only answer is a half-hearted shrug. “I’ve had better burritos.”
“No one really comes to Taco Bell with the finest of burritos in mind, Z,” he replies. “Let me try.”
After dating for five months, sharing food isn’t really an issue for them. But she sees why Nate couldn’t hold in his laughter as he takes a bite. It’s still gooey, an almost unbelievable amount of filling making its way out of the tortilla. He wipes away a bit of sauce with the back of his head as he chews.
“Definitely more gooey,” he says with his mouth full.
“That’s what she said,” Zari mutters.
He chokes back a laugh before he swallows. “What, before she ate out her girlfriend?”
“Oh, God, dude,” she says, giggling.
“You started it!”
And yeah, maybe this is what he meant by Quesarito Bliss. Laughing while eating semi-decent fast food, making stupid jokes and returning back to their roots.
Zari smiles, kicking him under the table. “I’m feeling it.”
“Isn’t that McDonalds?”
“Firstly, I’m pretty sure their thing is ‘I’m Lovin’ It’. But no, I’m feeling the bliss.”
Nate blinks. “The Quesarito Bliss?”
“Yes, Nate. I’m feeling it.”
They stare at each other for a few seconds, daring the other to break into laughter. She breaks first, still looking at his eyes.
As he starts laughing again, he says, “I’m so copyrighting that.”
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