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bloatedandalone04 · 1 year

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Cosmic Love

➪the one where you break anakin’s heart after he unknowingly broke yours.

Part 2

Warnings: angst af, emotional cheating (kinda ?), insecurities, self deprecating thoughts, anakin slipping to the dark side and being oblivious half the time, quite possible that the reader is depressed without knowing it

Word Count: 4k

Do not repost this anywhere, reblogs are fine <3

You weren’t sure when things went wrong. You weren’t sure what happened.

You were in love, you were sure of it, and so was he. The feeling of love still filled your every vein when you thought about the dark haired Jedi, so you knew for a fact that you were still in love with him.

Anakin Skywalker.

Even his name had your heart racing.

You couldn’t remember a time when you weren’t in love with him. It was clear that your feelings for him ran deep and had for a long time, long before you even knew what these feelings meant.

It was only as recent as two years since you had labelled those feelings as love, and ever since then you two had been inseparable.

Until now.

The Jedi temple was large and had countless hallways and passages. It was easy to get lost in if you didn’t know your way around the place. It was also easy to walk in on things you maybe weren’t supposed to see.

Like the way Anakin’s fingers brushed against hers as they greeted each other. Or the way his smile was bright, charming and kind, while hers was shy, genuine and showed the words she didn’t say.

He was slipping away, you feared.

Or maybe you were.

Maybe you were giving her the chance she had wanted for years to slip in and steal the heart of the man you are in love with.

The man who was in love with you - is in love with you, right?

Perhaps.

You felt pathetic for the first time in a long time. Anakin never allowed you to feel anything negative about yourself as he put your worries to rest and helped you fight your insecurities.

Whenever you felt that sickly feeling of unworthiness creep into your skin, he was right there next to you. He made sure that you always knew just how important and needed you are.

You had a connection and he felt it every time you became stressed or worried about something, and he was always the person who talked you down, both verbally and mentally.

Was your connection fading?

Is that why you have begun to feel unworthy again, much like how you felt when you first allowed yourselves to fall in love? Is that why he hadn’t seemed to notice your mood that was rapidly declining and the way you would berate yourself in your head?

You weren’t sure anymore. You didn’t know where you fit into his life anymore as he seemed to be thriving every time he left the confines of your secret shared room.

That room was just a placeholder for what your future plans were. Anakin had mentioned that he had been looking at apartments in the city for the two of you, a place you could call your own, a place where you two can just be together without a care.

Without the prying eyes of the Jedi or the suspicious glares from the Masters. Without the possibility of falling for someone else.

You missed him when he ventured outside the walls of your room. You missed him when he was right next to you. He was there, by your side, yet you still missed him. The distance that was steadily growing between you was present every time you were together, something he didn’t seem to notice.

Anakin was clueless of what was going on around him, he was powerless to stop the doubts and accusations that swam in an endless pool inside your head. To keep it simple; Anakin’s entire world was falling apart in front of him, yet he had no idea of the damage that was currently being inflicted on his relationship with you.

He was oblivious to the ache you felt whenever he was deep in conversation with Padmè, the way your heart deflated bit by bit when he showed off new devices to the Senator, and the dull stab that pierced your being whenever he slipped up and told her stories that he had only meant to tell you.

In all honesty, the man was blind to how his actions were affecting you.

You wished you understood the feelings that overtook your body whenever you caught the two together. It was a heat nearly as hot as fire, a taste as bitter as anything else and a flicker of the thought of not being enough for the man you had been in love with for many years now. The same man who had only been yours for two years.

Though, to Anakin, he had been yours since the minute he set eyes on you.

You were fourteen when you met him, and he was sixteen. It was a few years later when the secret glances and wishful stares just weren’t enough anymore, and at the age of twenty one he had asked you to be his. Your nineteen year old self was ecstatic and clueless to the consequences that would come with forming a relationship with the Jedi, but at the time you didn’t care.

Now, at the same age he was when he confessed his feelings for you, the weight of your actions was finally catching up to you.

You didn’t regret all that had happened in the last two years, no, not at all. In fact, they were the best years of your life. You just wished you had realized how doomed it was from the start.

Anakin was the brightest and most well-presented Jedi. He wasn’t allowed to form bonds or connect with people in the ways he has with you, yet that didn’t stop his heart from falling for yours when he was just a teen.

With that being said, the relationship had its issues from the beginning, back when the two of you were just relieved at knowing the feelings were mutual. It was never supposed to last.

That much was certain as you sat completely still on the bed, your legs crossed and your hands tucked away in the gap between your thighs. Your robe hung loosely on your form, the silk doing very little to stop the chills that grazed against your skin from the night air that creeped in through the open window.

Your heartbeat was slower than normal as you tried to push away the negative thoughts that had plagued your mind for weeks now. Closing your eyes tightly, you thought back to past memories of your time spent with Anakin, back when you felt needed and wanted and desired.

You thought back to your first kiss, the way his lips pressed to yours in a way that told you it was the first one he had ever shared. He had waited years for you, pushed away countless attempts to be the first person he experienced physical love with, all so he could say that you were his first.

His first love.

His first kiss.

His first time.

You remember that night like it was yesterday. Anakin was nervous but never allowed himself to show it as he was far too concerned with making you feel as comfortable as possible. His hand never left yours as his hips rocked into you for what felt like hours, the two of you being completely done for as your sounds mixed together to create a song that only belonged to you.

The night was full of love, need and warmth. Something you had been craving since the second your insecurities came spiralling back to you.

The door opened, followed by the one that led into your bedroom.

Anakin froze in the doorway, his gloved hand still on the knob as he looked at your tense form. He debated on whether or not to turn back around and apologise later for interrupting your meditation, but when your eyes opened to meet his he knew he was too late.

So, instead, he closed the door, set his lightsaber onto the dresser next to it before crossing the room and reaching for the window. “It’s cold tonight,” he said as he pulled the window shut and covered the glass with the dark curtains. When you didn’t respond to him, and didn’t even look at him, he walked the few steps towards the bed and reached out to you. “You must be freezing-”

His words die on his tongue when you involuntarily flinch away from him, his dark brows coming together in a furrow.

“What’s wrong?” He questioned, forgoing his original plan to dress himself in his sleep attire before joining you on the bed. Still covered by the long clothes he had been wearing all day, he sat beside you and tried his best to get you to meet his eyes. “Talk to me, my love.”

Your bottom lip quivered as you refused to look at him, your hands moving to rest on your knees. “I can’t,” it came out as a whisper and the lack of your usual cheery voice had Anakin’s eyes narrowing in worry.

“Why not?” He wanted to touch you but he also knew your limits. Right now you were well past the point of being completely closed off and he wasn’t sure what he would trigger in you if he were to take your hand in his, like he wanted to.

Keeping your eyes glued to the floor, you turn your head just slightly as a sinking feeling takes over your chest. “I fear I’ve fallen ill,” you say quietly, tears gathering on your lower waterline as you finally grant him the gift of making eye contact.

“What’s wrong?” He asked again, his left hand coming up to gently rest against your forehead. You hate how easily you lean into it. “Are you hurt?”

You nod and close your eyes again, causing a few tears to spill down the length of your face.

Anakin felt his heart drop at your movement, his hand falling from your head to rest on your shoulder. His fingers gently press into your tense muscles as he asks, “Where does it hurt?”

Not being able to answer him with words quite yet, you bring one hand up to rest against your chest, just over where your heart was beating rapidly now.

He shakes his head as a quiet sob takes over your body and he quickly wraps his arm around you. Pulling you into his side and running a comforting hand through your hair, he tries to make sense of what little information you had given him. “I don’t understand, angel,” he nearly whispers, not wanting to upset you further as you were clearly in a very fragile state of mind at the moment. “What do you mean your heart hurts?”

Taking in a shaky breath, you pull away from him and miss the look of hurt and confusion that flashes across his achingly beautiful face. “I don’t feel like myself anymore,” you murmur, your words muffled due to the build up of saliva in your mouth. “I don’t feel loved anymore.”

If there was a sure way to break Anakin’s heart, you had just done it with your words. He shook his head quickly, eyes squinting as he looked at you. “How could you ever feel that way?” He asked and placed his hand on your knee, his brows further furrowing when you pulled away from him. “Why won’t you let me touch you?”

“Because,” you whimpered, wrapping the robe around you tighter and bunching the fabric up in your hands. “It hurts, Anakin.”

He reeled back in surprise, your words having completely caught him off guard. “What are you talking about? I’ve touched you many times before, you’ve never acted this way then,”

Shaking your head, you watch as a tear slips from your eye and lands on the sheets below you. “I don’t think you could ever hurt me with your hands,” you trail off, further confusing the poor man beside you.

“Baby,” the nickname was one he rarely used and you knew he was beginning to feel scared, nervous and frustrated all at once as it rolled off his tongue without a second thought. “Talk to me, please.”

You repeat your earlier words, “I can’t,”

Your words and the way you had become so closed in a matter of seconds had his heart beating cautiously in his chest, its way of protecting itself and preparing him for the ache he had a feeling was approaching fast. “Please,” he begged, desperate for anything at this point.

He didn’t know what happened or what was going on in that head of yours, but he was on the verge of a nervous breakdown. You weren’t giving him much to go off of and it was driving him wild, his head coming up with various outcomes of this conversation, none of which ended well.

When you didn’t answer him or show him any form of comfort, his body betrayed his mind as it seeked out a sense of normalcy and had his arm reaching out once again, this time his hand wrapping tightly around your wrist when his frustration became too much.

You turned to him, your teary eyes meeting his scared blue ones. “I don’t see a future with you anymore,” you mumbled, keeping eye contact. Anakin reeled back again, his hand pulling away from your arm as it no longer rewarded him with the sweet feeling that always came when he touched you.

“What?”

You swallowed harshly, your eyes looking down at the curve of his lips before settling back on his blue orbs. “I’m worried you’ve given your heart away to someone else. Someone who I don’t compare to,” you looked down at your shaking hands, squeezing your eyes shut in hopes to regain a sliver of strength back. “Padmè is a true gem, Anakin. I can see why she captivates you so much.”

Anakin couldn’t let you go on, not when he had no idea what you were talking about. “I don’t understand,” he shook his head, putting a pause to your compliments of the woman he considered a friend and that was it. “What is this about?”

You give him a little shrug, guilty eyes meeting his. “I’ve been feeling lonely, I guess,”

He looked down as he tried to find the right words to say. A million questions swam around in his head, all of which he had no answer to.

How had he not noticed this?

How long have you been feeling this way? Lonely, left out, neglected.

Why hadn’t he realised that you were lost and needed him to help bring you back?

He had sworn to both you and himself that he would never leave you alone to the point where you would begin to question his intentions and the meaning of your relationship that he held so closely to his heart. “Why haven’t you told me this?” He asked, then regretfully added, “What does Padmè have to do with all this?”

He wished he didn’t ask about that last part.

“You’ve been spending a lot of time with her. Seems like the two of you have gotten quite close,” you answer the question and continue, “I haven’t seen you much lately, not alone, anyway. Every time I went in search of you, I’d find you with her, talking about the things you have only ever shared with me.”

Maybe you were selfish, but you pushed away all thoughts to keep him by your side. In reality, it was you slipping away from him, not the other way around like you had thought it was.

Unbeknownst to you, the type of person you are is one who needs reassurance and guidance. Not all the time, not even often. Just every once in a while would suffice. The fact that you hadn’t had a heart to heart with Anakin in months, and the fact that he was MIA half the time, mixed with the return of your past worries only left you feeling abandoned and not needed.

“I fear you’ve bonded with her without even realising it,”

“No,” he shut that down quickly, his legs moving before his brain could catch up with them. He lifted himself from the bed and stood in front of your shaking frame from your place on the edge. “No. No, stars, how could you say that?”

Your words felt like they were causing him physical pain and he didn’t want to hear anymore.

You were the light of his life, the reason he fought so hard whenever he was sent away on missions, and the sole purpose of wanting a better future. In all honesty, Anakin couldn’t see a future without you in it. You are by far the most important person in his life and the one he couldn’t live without. It worried him at first when his feelings for you went beyond anything he had ever felt, but you whisked away his worries by peppering his face with kisses whenever he returned to your shared room after a long day and filled his heart with an almost overwhelming amount of love.

Your hands tore away any stress he took home with him in gentle caresses and your smile made any bad and dark day seem a bit brighter.

Without a doubt, you are the love of his life, and he hates that you have begun to question that, as well as your importance in his life. “I can’t help it,” you say quietly, your voice shaking slightly. “The doubts have come back, Anakin. I can’t fight them on my own anymore. I tried, but I keep failing to feel that sense of belonging like before.”

Anakin fell to his knees before you, his hands reaching for yours and pressing kiss after kiss to the back of them. “Let me help you, please. I can fix this, I can save us, you just have to let me in…just like before,” he felt like a poor excuse of a lover at this point, his failure to realise that you were a shell of your former self now weighing heavy on him, but that didn’t stop him from getting on his knees and begging for forgiveness. A second chance. “Please, my love..come back to me.”

Your eyes shut tightly as more tears rushed down your face and you could no longer look at him. “For months I’ve been wanting to hear you say that,” you trail off, still not opening your eyes and further closing yourself off. “Now that you have….I still don’t feel any better.”

He was too late. “I’m so sorry,” he murmurs, pressing a kiss to your knuckles before grazing the back of your hand against the side of his face as he stares up at you. “I’m here. I’m still me and we’re still us.”

Even though it was clear you no longer believed that.

His words should’ve been enough. You should’ve been reassured by now, but you weren’t. You weren’t sure why his words went right through you and you didn’t want to find out just how far you’ve slipped from reality. How far you’ve slipped from him.

“I’m sorry,” he said again, his eyes stinging with unshed tears as he tried desperately to get you to meet his eyes. “My heart is yours, angel. It always has been and it always will be. There is no other person in the galaxy who will ever get me in the way you do. We’re meant to be together, my love. I know we are, you know we are. Why won’t you let me in?”

Your head shakes as you open your eyes, your hand turning in his grip and softly caressing the side of his face, something that never failed to bring him comfort. As soon as he felt his heart start to heal from your touch, all was dulled again as you murmured the words that will haunt him forever. “I’m sorry, Ankin,” you whisper, pulling your hand away all too soon and standing up, making his other hand fall from where it was wrapped around your waist. “We tried.”

Walking past him, you open the door to the room and make your exit. Anakin stands up quickly, his heart beating loudly in his ears as he follows you out like a lost soul trying to find its way back to its person. “Please, please, don’t do this,” he begs as the first of many tears leave his eyes. His hand wraps around your wrist and due to his strength, he successfully puts a pause on your escape. “I love you, more than anything else. Please.”

You tense under his heart broken stare and allow him to place your hand over his heart, where you could just barely feel the quick beats against your fingers.

“Please, don’t leave me,” he whimpered, pressing your hand harder against his chest. “Please, it hurts.”

The thought of losing you had manifested into physical pain as he watched everything he ever knew be ripped away from his grasp. He was ashamed that the continuous stabs he felt to his heart were the same ones you had been feeling for months, causing you to suffer in silence behind closed doors.

You hold back a sob as you bring both hands up to caress his face, pulling him down just slightly so his forehead was pressed to yours. Anakin resisted the urge to close the distance completely and kiss you with everything he had in him - his last resort as clearly his words weren’t effective at all - and show you that he really could not function properly without you.

Instead, his arms wrapped tightly around your waist and he pulled you into him so your chest was pressed to his. “I don’t wish to cause you any pain, Anakin,” you whispered, basking in your last moments with him. With a chaste kiss placed to his temple, you ignore the quiet whimpers that left his lips. “I’m sorry, I have to go.”

You pry yourself away from him and quickly open the door, fleeing into the empty and dark hallway.

Anakin cried out, his hands reaching out for you until your smaller frame used its advantage of being much quicker than him and disappeared from his sight. He stumbled around the dark room, everything feeling a lot quieter and heavier now that your presence was fading away. He fell against the wall, his body giving up and causing him to slide downwards until he hit the floor with a painful thud - a pain of which didn’t register very well as he had become lost.

His head had seemed to dissolve any and all happy memories he shared with you, only being met with the few arguments the two of you had shared during your years together. They hit him harder than they did when they first occurred, something that sent jolts of pain to his entire being.

He would give anything to have this just be the result of another disagreement, one that left the both of you frustrated and angry, but still together. One where, despite your harsh tones, you were still each other’s person. One where you were left with the reassurance that everything would eventually work itself out, as long as you didn’t give up on one another.

And Anakin Skywalker will never give up on you, even after you had just broken his entire soul and left before he got the chance to pick himself back up and fight for you some more.

His eyes stay fixated on the tall window, his pupils dilating just slightly as he feels a particularly sharp stab to his heart, followed by a sudden urge to turn everything that surrounds him upside down in hopes to dull the emptiness that had formed within him.

A darkness circled around him and it was something he had never felt nor seen before. All he knew was that it felt so inviting, so warm and as though it would provide Anakin the comfort he hadn’t felt since he returned home.

First time writing for Anakin <3 I'm in my Hayden era (for the 987th time) and currently resisting writing for his other characters.

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