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#stardew shitpost
The people of pelican town live happy, uninteresting lives, completely unaware that 300 metres below their feet, the Farmer is screaming like a banshee as they sprint through the abandoned mine system, slaughtering otherworldly creatures like they're the main character in DOOM Eternal
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jothemouse · 30 days
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i've been playing stardew for the past few months on my phone and i finally caved and bought the pc version
anyway here's my favorite bachelors. i don't have a type. don't read into it.
⭐If you like my art, consider donating⭐
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babiebom · 2 months
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Sebastian NSFW Alphabet
A/N: the actual love of my life is next, be prepared for the others to either come over the next couple of weeks or the next couple of days depending on how fast I do them.
Tw: nsfw content(sex, kinks, cum, ome mention of piss yk the usual) cursing
Wc:idk
Stardew Masterlist NSFW Alphabet Masterlist
C- Cum (anything to do with cum,basically)
If you asked him to his face he’d just say that he’s okay with whatever you want but in truth he wants to ruin you completely. I think he would be very awkward and unwilling to admit that he wants to cum inside you and on you. Like he wants to go until you’re covered and filled with his cum. It’s probably a possessive thing.
E- Experience (how experienced are they? do they know what they're doing?)
I think I’ve talked about this before? Like he’s either a virgin or he’s had one or two people that he’s slept with before. I do think he and Abigail have hooked up at least once but stopped at some point because something happened. But I do lean more towards him being a virgin right now
He doesn’t really know what he’s doing but he learns quickly and never shows that he’s clumsy with it. Acts like he’s just learning what you like in order to pretend that he’s cool calm and collected. Inside he’s freaking out because he doesn’t know what he’s doing and is VERY worried you’re not enjoying yourself.
G- Goofy (are they more serious in the moment? are they humorous? Etc)
He would want to be funny and relaxed in the moment, but he is quite serious because he’s kinda insecure, and wants everything to be good so he can’t really relax and be a little funny until you’re far into the relationship.
H-Hair (how well groomed are they? does the carpet match the drapes? etc.)
His pubic hair is dark like his hair(I know people think he’s a redhead like his mom but I do like that his hair is dark.) he will let it get messy if he’s single but once he starts dating he trims it VERY low. Like he’s not bald but is very short in order to make everyone comfortable.
I-Intimacy (how are they during the moment? the romantic aspect)
I don’t think he’s very romantic unless you ask him to make more of an effort. I don’t think he’s entitled or even open with asking for sex, but you can tell when he wants to do the do. He’s more like….idk how to describe it. It’s just he’s like more touchy and cuddly when he’s horny? If you ask him to be more romantic he’ll do the candle thing probably or something nerdy but cute.
J- Jack off (masturbation headcanon)
One of the horniest men to ever exist ngl. Dude probably jacks off at least once a day. Let’s face it, he’s an antisocial emo, who sits in his room all day because he doesn’t want to leave it and to further that point he even has a job that requires him to not leave it. Seb has so much alone time and so many naughty thoughts that he has to rub one out in order to even concentrate properly. Luckily no one really bothers him so he has only been caught probably once and as a teenager.
K- Kink (one or more of their kinks)
Lord Jesus this man has too many to count so I might go top five. He likes role playing and dressing up for SURE. Wear that maid costume, or if you’re particularly dominant out HIM in a maid costume. Let him wear his Wizard cosplay like dude is DOWN. Bdsm. Literally(I say this word way too much)as a whole he likes bondage, he likes sadism and masochism(he will let you choose) he’s into dominant and submissive roles(again he will let you choose) it’s just FUN for him. He likes choking, and probably has a body worship kink (both ways), and overstimulation. Used to edge himself on accident and it became a thing for him
L-Location (favorite places to do the do)
In his room, or near the lake. He likes it most on his bed because after it smells like you, and he’s always dreamed of fucking a significant other in his bed during one of his jerk off sessions, and literally having you in his bed is a dream come true. Also on the couch in his room, because it’s kinda depraved. Like you two were so wrapped up in each other that you couldn’t make it to the bed that’s a couple of feet away.
He likes the lake because it gives off the exhibition vibe while honestly being kinda private. Like he’s usually the only one by the lake at a certain time (unless Demetrius comes and ruins the vibes for him even if he’s usually on the other side of the lake) and living on the mountain top means that no one is really around to snitch on him. Like his mother is too wrapped up in her husband and his sister is too wrapped up in her experiments and robots to even notice that he’s railing you by the lakeside.
M- Motivation (what turns them on, gets them going)
I feel like I’ve said this for EVERY character so I’m gonna try to reword it from just *you*
His mind gets him going. Like he’s always thinking of something dirty, even if he’s doing something completely innocent. Like he can be working and all of a sudden his mind is wandering because his work is so boring that it can’t help but fill the boredom with things he finds fun. Like video games and fucking you until the both of you are on the verge of passing out.
N- No (something they wouldn't do, turn offs)
Like the last letter, I feel like i say it a lot for each character but like anything that’s too gross. Like I think this man might go pretty far. Would probably even try piss stuff once if you really wanted it. So like anything that’s farther than that is a no.
O- Oral (preference in giving or receiving, skill, etc.)
Would say his preference is giving but in reality it’s receiving. He loves giving head, don’t get me wrong. But he will never turn down you giving him head EVER. There’s just something about how the comepletely falls apart when your mouth is on him. He could cry from how thankful he is that you’re willing to do this for him.
Giving head I would say he’s decent and get better every time. He strives for greatness(lmao like he’s an elite employee) when it comes to getting you to cum. He will always try new techniques in order to get you cumming quicker each time. He wants you to feel the best he can make you feel.
Q- Quickie (their opinions on quickies, how often, etc)
LOVES THEM. COMPLETELY!!!! Wants to be in you all day every day, and if quickies are the way to do it before he can have you all to himself, well, guess you’re gonna have a lot of quickies throughout the day. Oh well!
R-Risk (are they game to experiment? do they take risks?)
Like I mentioned earlier, Seb has a bit of an exhibitionist kink, it’s more that he wants to show off that he gets to fuck YOU. Like look at my hot significant other, rather than showing off his skills or himself. He doesn’t really want people to watch at all(unless it’s like Sam who he’s cool with watching) but like he does wish that people knew that he somehow bagged the hottest person alive(you). So he’ll fuck you in semi public. Like at the lakeside in the middle of the night, or in his room when he knows everyone is awake
And yes he is always game to experiment. If it’s going to make the experience better for both of you, his thought process is: why not? Willing to try almost everything once.
T- Toys (do they own toys? do they use them? on a partner or themselves?)
I think he probably owned like a vibrating cock ring or a pocket pussy or a tenga egg or something while he was single. Now that he has you he rarely uses those things anymore unless you want him to incorporate it into sex.
Will buy toys for you, and if you buy toys for him he won’t object. Likes using them during sex, even if he doesn’t think y’all need them.
U- Unfair (how much they like to tease)
Likes to tease a decent amount, especially the more confident he gets. Will tease and laugh at you(in a mean but good way) if you’re begging or crying or something. Gives in if you beg just right though. He’s a menace not evil.
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lucy-the-demon · 6 months
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Here's a incorrect Stardew valley quote for you, had to make this before I went to bed
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I hope you like this
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forbiddenmoss · 28 days
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In the saloon with Shane finally having a conversation with him.
Shane "so that's how I ended up here. But one positive out of all of that mess is having jaz in my life. Sorry for going on what did you do before the farm?"
Farmer "I worked for joja-"
Shane choking on his beer gripping farmers arm "HOW DID YOU ESCAPE JOJA?!? TELL ME?!?"
farmer "well first my grandpa died"
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yeapples · 7 months
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he doesn’t smile that often
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babey
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weirdlynotspecific · 2 months
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What your favorite stardew ship says about you!
(this is just a joke, all of this is for funsies)
Farmer x any of the bachelors/bachelorettes: you're an average player
Farmer x Robin: it was love at first sight at the beginning of the game and were heartbroken when you learned she's married
Farmer x Wizard: you're a bit of a freak
Haley x Alex: You like the cheerleader/jock trope
Haley x Leah: you either like lesbians or you're a lesbian
Harvey x Maru: you like smart people together and root for the underdog
Harvey x Shane: you desperately want Shane to go to therapy and this is the next best thing. You also probably enjoy older gay couples
Emily x Shane: you saw that she was nice to him and shipped it because good lord Shane needs friends
Emily x Clint: you're an incel
Elliott x Leah: you're an artist, and you like ships that are pretty bland
Marnie x Lewis: you live for drama
Sam x Penny: hi there the 80s called, they want their trope back
Sam x Sebastian: you enjoy alternative aesthetics and like the way they both enjoy each other's hobbies while having their own. You're also probably some kind of neurodivergent
Abigail x Sebastian: you think alternative couples are cute and prefer to stick with the canon
Abigail x Haley: YOUR HIGHSCHOOL BULLY IS NOT HOT, YOU JUST NEED THERAPY. Also angry lesbians that can and would kill you, love to see it
Abigail x Sam: you live to cause issues, don't you?
Caroline x Wizard: refer to the last ship
Alex x Sebastian: you love to see the highschool bully have a redemption arc
Linus x Morris: who hurt you?
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mythracle · 1 year
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harvey after his 19348594386536th coffee overall:
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marmorafarms · 1 year
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Shane: You know what the difference between jelly and jam is?
Farmer (who just got the preserves jar) : Jelly is made from strained fruit juice, whereas jam is made from mashed fruits. Oh! And preserves have large pieces of fruit in them!
Shane: ...
Shane: I can't jelly my dick into you.
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stardew-and-cozycore · 4 months
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My stardew ships:
Penny x Alex: classic nerd x jock but throw in the daddy issues on both sides. She'd get him to finally read those philosophy books too
Maru x Haley: they'd be the CUTEST lesbian couple ever. Maru would build Haley all those really cool, fancy, and fun mirrors.
Marnie x Marlon: she needs a man who will treat her RIGHT. FUCK LEWIS
Sebastian x Abigail: tbh I think they're cute together. Gamer and sword wife. They'd definitely move to zuzu city after getting married.
Emily x Wizard: you know she reads all that fantasy smut and she's eyeing that wizard.
Harvey x Shane: the cutscene where Harvey treats Shane just has gay tension (yes I know it's just him saving his life and pushing him to get help and doing everything he can to make sure he gets better but it's cute)
Leah x Elliot: they're the perfect couple
Me x Sam: I'm dating a real life version of Sam too so...
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jellynoodle · 4 months
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bro my mom said shane is good looking
just wait til she hears his backstory
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How the Villagers of Pelican Town would react to The Farmer being, well, the Farmer
The Farmer does too much bullshit to go unnoticed by the Villagers of Pelican Town.
The motherfucking trash looting. Gus goes outside to clear away the night's trash, and the Farmer is squatting on the ground by it, scoffing down the salad he threw out the night before. There are hints of mold on the greens, and they're scraping bits of it off with their fingernails, before scoffing it in their mouth. The Farmer looks Gus square in the eye, and starts eating the plate.
Alex likes working out, and he notices the Farmer is always wearing a backpack. He asks what's in it, "oh you know, just a bit of this, a bit of that." He asks to pick it up and can't even lift pick it up off the ground like it's Thor's fucking hammer or some shit. The Farmer opens it to reveal the inside is larger than Mary fukin Poppin's bag of nightmares. Along with several dangerously sharp farming utensils, there's more food than the whole town would eat in a week, several live fish and enough rocks to level the valley.
Lewis, who spends most of his day walking through the town, often wonders how the Farmer can appear from their farm, walk to the beach, and the reappear from the farm ten minutes later... once more walking to the beach. They considered following the farmer, but decided against it. Best not to disturb those armed with glowing medieval weaponry.
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Of everyone in Pelican Town, Jas is the most aware of what shenanigans happen on the farm.
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foreverdotwav · 9 months
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she stardew on my valley till i pelican town
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babiebom · 1 month
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Heyyy! I was wondering if u could do the bachelors & bachelorettes reactin to / dating an s/o who has really intense nose bleeds when they're stressed. But plot twist bc this is literally the norm for the farmer bc they have crippling anxiety, especially social.
Thank u sm!!
A/N: I don’t know why I thought this was funny??? My anxiety just makes my stomach upset but a nosebleed in front of everyone like some sort of anxious demon is funny. Not the clean up tho. I’ve never had a nosebleed but I know they bleed SO MUCH. Also no problemo!!! Always glad to get requests!! I did different things (so not just stressed because I would’ve written the same thing for anyone I made crush aspects as sort of for stress too lmao) for each hopefully they’re good enough!
Tw: cursing, blood, anxiety, the nose bleeds are VERY dramatic because it’s fiction lmao. Physical fights(in Leah’s part), arguments(in almost all of them). Pierre hate Pam hate(kinda) Demetrius hate Morris hate. And Kel is gender neutral! let me know if there’s anything else to tag!
Wc: idk lmao hopefully at least 100 words for each
Stardew Masterlist
Sebastian:
Just frowns
Actually helps unexpectedly
….we can never talk about this happening again if you want……
It’s not often that you get to see the towns resident emo, even after visiting Robin multiple times for various building needs. So when you wander into the house, looking for Robin so you can upgrade your coop, seeing him makes your brain malfunction.
“Oh…hey farmer.” He greets, moving past you to head further into the house. You blink for a second before returning the greeting, watching as his dark hoodie disappears behind a wall.
You try to force your breathing to slow down. There is absolutely NO reason you should be this worked up over a literal one second conversation. While you sit with your thoughts, foot steps fill your ears and the sight of Sebastian returning from wherever he went makes all of your progress regress. “So…you here waiting for my mom?”
You nod quickly, clearing your throat, “yeah…um…just need to upgrade my chicken coop.”
“Oh well, she’s not in today. She usually goes to Pierre’s store to work out with the other moms.”
You frown to yourself, how did you miss that she wouldn’t be in today? Damn now all you can think about is how you just made a fool of yourself. Lost in your thoughts, you miss that Sebastian had cleared his throat a couple times until he waves a hand in front of your face.
“If you want, I can take your order and tell her when she gets home later. That way she can get started tomorrow.”
“Would you?” Your heart flips as you perk up. Was he usually this nice? You kinda heard from Robin herself that Sebastian never really interacted with people he wasn’t already friends with.
“Yeah sure.” He shrugs and moves to go around the counter, setting his slowly cooling food down. “Okay so she usually charges 10,000g and you have to have 400 logs of wood and 150 things of stone. Sound right?”
You nod and hand over the bag of money. The second your hands touch it’s like your body decided it couldn’t handle anything else from him. Luckily he just takes the money and pretends like your nose hasn’t become a geyser as you scramble to try to keep the blood from dripping all over their furniture.
Sam:
WOAH DUDE IS THAT LIKE….NORMAL?
it’s like from a movie or something
Is overall sorta scared but at the same time thinks it’s cool
“And this is how I do a kick flip!” Sam shows you skateboard trick after trick and honestly you can’t get enough of it. It wasn’t a secret that the both of you had crushes on each other, and even now it was very obvious by how you were watching him do his tricks that you had feelings for him. Yet still you two weren’t in a relationship, just sort of friends who like each other in a romantic sort of way.
“You’re so cool!” You clap as he lands another trick.
“And you’re cute!”
“What?”
You freeze in your spot and watch in confusion as he sort of freezes midway through his next trick and crashes to the ground. His words echo in your head, making your face heat up and your heart soar. He smacks his face on the ground, sending you into a panic because now all you can think about is how he thinks you’re cute, and now how he probably has a concussion from hitting his face directly onto the concrete.
When he lifts his face off the ground, you’re kneeling next to him, trying to check on him. His forehead is bleeding, his nose is bleeding, and so is his mouth. You shriek and try to go through your backpack to see if you have anything to help him. You didn’t.
You already know where this is leading, and you let out a groan of annoyance right before your nose starts leaking just like his. His eyes widen and he lets out a loud laugh. Maybe you two can move out of the weird friendship you have after all.
Shane:
Would just stare silently
Like no comments no nothing
Doesn’t even act like it’s happening
Having a part time job at Joja Mart during the winter is one of the absolute worst ideas that you’ve had in a while. But you didn’t make a lot during your first year of farming. Stacking the products onto the shelves, your only saving Grace is the fact that you’re allowed to have earphones in. Except for the fact that Pam is now standing next to you asking loudly about where something is. Shane is stacking the shelves behind you.
“I don’t know Pam…the alcohol is probably on the wall in the back.” You frown at her. She obviously knows that you don’t know this store that well, you were a FARMER that NEVER shopped here before. She rasps out another question and it takes everything in you to not snap at her. Trying to calm yourself of course there’s gonna be something else that makes you lose your mind. That something is Morris, coming over and being the absolute WORST and in turn making Pam LOUDER and more insistent.
He’s lecturing you, Pam is agreeing with him way too loudly, the music on your headphones is now overwhelming instead of calming, and the sound of random things in the market is making you want to bite a chunk out of the loaves of bread in front of you, plastic and all. With everything building up inside of you, you already know what’s going to happen. It always happens, but instead of excusing yourself you stand there, staring Morris down as the blood begins to flow from your nostrils.
Pam yells out curses and Morris begins to stutter, but behind them Shane just stares for a second before continuing to work. When you’re finally left alone with him in the aisle as your two stressors hastily take their leave, all he does is let out a dry chuckle.
“Sam has a hell of a mess to clean up…”
Alex:
Oh DUDE your nose is like….LEAKING
Doesn’t help
Just watched and comments
“AND THEN HE HAS THE NERVE TO TELL PEOPLE THAT MY HARVESTS ARE HIS BUT HE ONLY DOES IT IF ITS GOOD!” You rant to the brown haired boy, pacing back and forth in his room. Thankfully both Evelyn and George were out so you weren’t bothering anyone except for the man in front of you.
You huff and puff as he watches, slightly amused slightly concerned. Alex wasn’t the best person to go to when you’re upset unless it was something absolutely devastating. So being in front of him now, complains about your farming woes meant that he was only half ass taking it seriously. “You should go and speak your mind.” He says.
Turns out you should NOT take advice from Alex. Standing in Pierre’s shop, you’re staring him down angrily, anxiety creeping up your throat from you trying to will yourself to call him out on his bullshit. The older man just kind of stares at you in confusion because all you had done was shout his name angrily as you entered the shop then stand in front of him seething.
“You….you…..” you point a finger at him. This was the moment, the moment you stand up for yourself and tell Pierre how HORRIBLE he is!
But of course things don’t work how you want and your nose gushes out blood all over the counter before you can work yourself up to the point of accusations. With a gasp you run out of the shop, hoping that he would keep his mouth shut with Alex running behind you laughing. Again, NEVER let Alex talk you into anything.
Elliott:
Panics
How do I help PLS LET ME HELP
Everything probably gets messy
Fishing had never been your favorite pastime, but now trying to fix up the community center you had to. Unfortunately Willy was gone and couldn’t properly teach you even though he had gifted you an old rod of his, so the next best thing is getting your boyfriend to teach you since he does fish often. Now you stand on the docks, waiting for a fish to bite the hook.
“Keep calm, the fish can feel your fear and it makes them upset.” Elliott spoke. In all honesty you didn’t even know if that was true or not, but you take in a breath to calm down. You did not want to be here all day you had cows to pet.
The second your line begins to pull you try to pull the fish in. And you succeed until it comes time to unhook the eel you managed to catch. The eel is slimy and slippery and all around not a good thing to try to grip. A shriek leaves your lips and the eel struggles, Elliott tries to help you but is also struggling to catch hold of it. And now your nose is bleeding adding another layer to the already hellish experience.
You’re unhappy, the eel is unhappy, and Elliott is unhappy. After what seems like an hour, the stupid thing slips out of your grips and back into the ocean, washing your nose blood off of it and splashing you with saltwater. 0 out of 10 you will not be trying again.
Harvey:
Calm but concerned(after panicking for a second)
Has a doctory approach to it
But is secretly like WTF inside
Your heart thumps in your chest as you sit on the clinic bed. It’s been a while since you’ve been in Harvey’s clinic, having taken a break from the mines, and somehow this seems more shameful than having been beaten almost to death by living slime. Your hands bleed into the cloth you have pressed into it. One of the pigs knocked you over into the broken fence you were in the middle of fixing. Now you sit waiting for the good looking Doctor.
When he walks in he’s all smiles, tapping his clipboard with his pen. “While I’m sad to see that you’re injured, I’m glad to see it isn’t from those mines again.” The eye contact he makes with you makes your heart twist for a second.
He starts speaking of all the shots you need and the antibiotics you need to take, rust poisoning is quite serious you know. “Now,” he says, moving towards you, “let me see your hand.”
Your heart thumps erratically at the close proximity of him and you. You only really ever got to see him this close when you were half dead and barely conscious. His face is much too close for you to be able to do anything but focus on how pretty his eyes are, and how fluffy his mustache is, and how…
“OH MY DEAR YOBA” He yelps and jumps away from you. It takes only a second after him to realize what’s going on, and now your furiously wiping away at your nose with your hands instead of with the cloth, and he’s trying to get something on your nose to catch the blood. It’s a disaster, really. But at least you’re already in a clinic!
Penny:
Probably panics
Doesn’t know how to deal with it
Would try to help though
The warmth of the pool in the spa did nothing to ease your nerves as you waded in the shallow end of the pool. Penny had invited you to come sometime after 7 pm, and when you had arrived she was already waiting for you, kicking her feet in the pool. The thought of her asking you here made your stomach turn, did you do something wrong…? Was she inviting you here to tell you she hated you or something…? You had grown close to her over your time here and would hate it if she thought you were too much or something.
“Do you know why I invited you here?” She asks, moving closer but keeping her eyes on the water.
You shake your head, “I’m not exactly sure, no.”
She frowns and sighs at you, meeting your eyes for a fleeting second then looking elsewhere. “Really? I thought you would’ve noticed by now…” her words trail off and her eyebrows furrow.
The next few seconds are ones that you simultaneously want to remember for forever and forget. She confesses her feelings for you. Feelings that you obviously reciprocate, and the emotions in you mix and grow, rising up your throat as if you were a volcano of conflicting feelings. As soon as you open your mouth to tell her that yes, you like her too, her face morphs into one that’s horrified instead of hopeful, disgusted instead of smitten and you realize a second after she does that your nose is spouting red, dyeing the water you both were swimming in.
Penny shrieks for a solid second before trying to scramble out of the water as fast as she can. You do the same, swirling the red around the pool as both of you splash trying to exit the now crime scene looking pool. When you get out of the water, she’s holding a towel right in your face, smooshing it so hard you can barely breathe and now your nose is throbbing with slight pain. “What do we do?!” She asks moving about quickly. She’s so confused that she just keeps walking and turning as if she’s remembering and forgetting things at the same time.
You just tilt your head downward and cringe inwardly, this was not the way to get a girl to like you. “It’s fine…I’m fine,” you say voice nasally and muffled. “And I like you too by the way.”
Haley:
confused staring
wtf is happening
Actually speechless
It isn’t every day that you get to talk to a beautiful blonde. It isn’t even every day that you talk to anyone. So when she approaches you on one of your trips off of your farm you couldn’t help but feel like either everything is out to get you or that you’re up on your luck. You don’t really know for sure, it honestly depends on how things go.
“Hey farmer!” She smiles as soon as she stops in front of you, the feeling of your stomach twisting makes you want to vomit in all of your nervousness. “I have a favor to ask you…”
“Yeah?” You ask trying to keep your cool. “What is it?”
“I would totally love love LOVE you forever if you could bring me an amethyst? It’s for Emily’s birthday and I don’t really like Clint so I don’t wanna buy anything from him. I’m willing to pay 150g!”
You cough into your fist, nodding along and taken aback by how casually she’s speaking to you. Before you can accept doing her the favor, the horrified look on your face makes your words falter.
She looks absolutely horrified, and touching your hand to your face you can feel why. Your nose started dripping blood, and by dripping you mean you can now feel it running down to your chin. A flurry of curses leave your mouth as confused noises leave hers. It's not much of a surprise that this has happened, but man did you wish it wasn't in front of her.
Emily:
Surprisingly chill about it
Probably has a weird story about a nosebleed or something
Actually helps
You sit at the bar alone, upset at a horrible farming day. You tried your best, you really did, but those stupid ass crows actually ate ALL of your seedlings. Or…almost all of them but that’s basically the same thing! There is no way you’re gonna make enough to make it through winter comfortably. You told Emily exactly this, appreciative of her listening ear in the middle of her busy shift.
“You know they probably didn’t mean it…or maybe they did,” she sucks in a breath eyebrows furrowing as she thinks, “you know crows are very smart they probably know that you’re using that land to farm and stay there because of all the free food.”
“But it’s not free!” You exclaim, throwing your hands up in annoyance, “I have to buy those seeds! They’re just putting me into debt!”
She hums and nods, wiping the bar next to you where a person had just left. You had only a couple months left until the snow started falling and making it virtually impossible to grow anything. The little plants you had left you had to fight the crows for. And by fight I mean you angrily swung a broom at the with the intent of scaring them (not hitting them that’s mean). Still the growing anger inside you was not easily crushed by her warm and quite frankly outlandish words. No, in fact your anger grew the more you thought about it.
You felt it coming before anything had even exited your nose, hurriedly snatching the rag from Emily’s hands. Damn now you would have to buy the bar a new one. She just blinks then nods as if your nose becoming a bloody waterfall was normal.
“You know…nose bleeds cause by stress is usually because your heart rate and blood pressure increase and it causes your blood vessels to dilate!”
You stare at her before laughing. Maybe she was helpful after all.
Abigail:
WOAH
WTF
WHAT DO WE DO?
You stand in front of Pierre in front of the shop, arms crossed as you watch his face grow redder the longer time goes on. “-IN A RELATIONSHIP WITH MY DAUGHTER?” You’re not really listening to his tirade, over the whole ‘protective dad’ thing.
“Dad I’m an adult! You have no say in who I date!” Abigail yells back, face equally red. Who would’ve known that he would have a problem with the farmer he rips off constantly dating his daughter?
He yells out more reasons that the two of you shouldn’t be dating, and in turn points a finger into your chest roughly. You sputter out an offended sound, moving away from him. “Don’t touch me!”
“You shouldn’t be touching my daughter!”
“What? Dude we just started dating, you’re weird as hell!”
The arguing only gets worse from there, accusations flying around and now an audience comes with the drama. It’s almost too much for you to handle with now Caroline, Harvey, Haley, and the Milner family standing and watching the chaos. “Abby let’s just go to my place…” you try suddenly feeling the need to escape and no longer feeling the ‘fuck you dude’ attitude.
“No! He needs to understand that he can’t control my life!”
It’s like a volcano in your body and just like a volcano your nose begins to erupt. Now you’re screaming, Abigail is screaming, Pierre is screaming, the Mullners are screaming. Could this get any worse?
Turns out yeah, it can get any worse, like a family fight worse and now all of you are sitting in Harvey’s clinic. At least you aren’t the only bloody one now.
Maru:
Is surprised
Also forgets what to do
Would probably make things worse
Maru talks about robots and space the way you would talk about her: totally and completely enamored. You sit on her bed listening to her talk about her newest invention, some sort of robot that can cook and clean and basically be a free maid. You laugh and move your arm to get in a more comfortable position to watch her. Unfortunately your arm had other plans and smacked hard into her bed post. Groaning out in pain, your eyes close and begin to water from how much your elbow hurt.
Demetrius is in your face before you even realize that he was in the room. You yelp out in surprise as he starts ranting about you ruining his daughter’s future. You blink in surprise and try to retreat back into the mattress. What was happening. You can hear Maru screaming over his words but your ears feel like they’re filled with water.
“We’re just friends!” You find yourself shouting. Like damn is the man insane? It wasn’t the first time he’s gotten upset at you over Maru, but it was the first time that he was absolutely losing his mind.
“Dad stop!”
Time froze for a second as you and Demetrius stared at each other, Maru standing near him. Breathing in you can taste blood in your mouth before your nose starts bleeding, yet you can’t bring yourself to do anything but sit and catch your breath.
“Oh my god!” Both Demetrius and Maru exclaim moving around the room trying to find something to help. You couldn’t help but feel annoyed at him acting concerned now.
Thankfully Maru looked cute trying to help you which at least made things a little better.
Leah:
Is also freaking out on the inside but calm on the outside
Helps you with tissues
Is understanding
Going on a date with Leah is a dream come true. There’s paint, wine, food, and you’re sitting in the prettiest meadow you’ve ever seen, well it’s pretty because Leah is there and she’s pretty and you’ve been here multiple times because it’s near her cottage but it still looks different today.
You sit, paintbrush in hand, laughing at something she’s saying. It’s fun and if she hadn’t have asked you would’ve spent the day farming like usual, this little break was needed. The day couldn’t be ruined, absolutely nothing can ruin it.
Okay, one thing can ruin it and that one thing is Kel coming and ruining everything. The argument that ensues is one of the worst that you’ve seen. Kel tries to walk up on you(translation: Kel wants to fight you), Leah stops them but in turn gets into a fight with them which causes you to actually get up and try to defend her.
You kinda block out until you can hear Kel call out “I made your nose bleed bitch!” Which again causes you to want to drown in your anger.
“My noses is bleeding because I’m stressed, stupid!” You back. It’s obvious Kel hadn’t been able to hit your nose so claiming to be able to hit you so hard your nose bleeds isn’t even possible. It’s almost childish how the two of you argue.
Leah finally gets Kel to leave and hands you a bunch of tissues as she sits you down on the now rumpled blanket. As the two of you catch your breath and calm down, you find yourself smiling at her behind the wad of tissues catching blood flowing from your nose.
At least the situation would be funny in the future.
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lucy-the-demon · 9 months
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Welcome to Stardew valley we got (V3)
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Lets hope that last joke doesn't get this taken down..
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jothemouse · 15 days
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when your doctor boyfriends gonna charge you another 1000g bc you can't learn to quit when you're ahead
(it's a little janky but what do you want from me! im on the clock here!!)
(don't tell my manager)
⭐️Ko-fi⭐️
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