Mouth Full Of White Lies
From this prompt by @impishtubist . It's un beta'd, so don't be too critical. ao3
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Remus cannot do this.
He doesn't have the strength— the courage.
Sirius sits in the armchair front of him, slender fingers wrapped around a mug full of Irish coffee and pitch black hair pulled back into a messy bun, looking as comfortable and relaxed as if he was sitting on a cushioned throne. He stares out of the window, wearing a snug cream coloured jumper and one foot pulled up to the seat. Something twists in Remus' chest, but he cannot pull his eyes away from Sirius' face. He takes in the sharp angles and the arched eyebrows, the grey eyes and the relaxed line of his lips, the few flicks of his hair that fall over his forehead as he looks down into his mug when he takes a sip. Sirius looks anywhere but at Remus.
Remus doesn't know how to do this.
Without Harry around to act as a buffer, Remus feels the tension crawling up his spine slowly but surely, and it's worsened by the fact that he cannot tell if Sirius is feeling the same or not.
It has been eight days since Remus arrived at Grimmauld Place with Harry in tow, and in all that time, he has taken great care not to be caught alone in a room with Sirius.
Clearly, he went wrong somewhere, because here they were— alone together in the second floor parlour.
Remus swallows. Digs his fingers into the armrest of his chair.
"Padfoot—"
"Don't."
Sirius did not raise his voice. He did not say it in a hostile manner. He did not even look at Remus. That hurts more than Remus thinks it should.
"Sirius, I—"
"Don't, Lupin."
Remus flinches, feeling the words dig into his heart like he's been slapped. Sirius has not called him by his last name since the November of their first year at Hogwarts. After that, it was always Remus, Remi, Moony, Moons, Froot Lupes, any other nickname he could come up with. Not Lupin. Never Lupin.
"Padfoot, I'm sorry—"
"Lupin." Sirius finally looks at him. Remus flinches again, curling his shoulders into himself at the expression in his eyes. Or rather, the lack of expression. Sirius' face is blank, and his eyes are colder than a blizzard. He looks down his nose at Remus through lowered eyelids, the set of his eyebrows making it seem like he is utterly, completely indifferent to this conversation, like he does not give a single shit about what Remus has to say.
"I don't want to hear anything from you. If we must spend time together, we spend it in silence. Understood?"
Remus gives him a beseeching look, but Sirius doesn't waver in his decision, and Remus casts his gaze into his lap.
They sit in silence. Remus does not look back at Sirius, and Sirius relaxes into the soft padding of his armchair.
"I really am sorry, Sirius," Remus says quietly after a few seconds, fidgeting with his own fingers in his lap.
"I really don't care, Lupin."
Remus huffs and lifts his chin to stare at Sirius' impassive face. "It was wrong of me to leave you in Azkaban and I know it—"
"This," Sirius interrupts in a deceptively soft voice, "is not about my imprisonment."
Remus feels a chill travel down his spine. Still, he swallows down his urge to cut the discussion short. For once, he is not going to run away. For once, he will stay, and he will see this talk through.
"Then what is it about?"
Sirius looks at him like Remus hasn't an ounce of sense in his brain— the kind of disdainful and judgemental look he used to reserve for the students of Hogwarts who were not as smart as him or James. Remus feels the point of a dagger dig into his heart.
"Harry, Lupin," he says, and the icy frost that covers his tone makes the dagger pierce even deeper. "This is about my godson."
Remus grits his teeth, a sudden wave of annoyance rising up his throat. "I told you, Sirius, a werewolf is not capable of taking care of a child—"
"You could have visited him," Sirius cuts him off, and Remus hates how calm he looks, hates the way Sirius looks at him like he isn't worth his time. He hates the way his mind whispers in his ear about the school days when Sirius became eerily calm and composed, when he got that thunderstorm glint in his grey eyes that meant he was out for someone's cold blooded annihilation. "You could have checked up on him. You could have wrangled a deal out of the Hell-flower that made it impossible for her to harm my godson the way she did—"
"I HAD NO CHOICE!"
Remus is on his feet now, glaring at Sirius, who simply reclines back in his seat and still manages to look down his nose at Remus. The expression is so similar to the times in school when Sirius eviscerated someone with nothing but his whip-quick tongue that it makes Remus' blood boil. He hates the way Sirius is so.. so calm and collected. He wants Sirius to scream at him, yell at him, throw shit around and rage at him.
"Everyone always has a choice," Sirius answers coldly. "You had the time to make one— you had twelve years to make a choice. You didn't."
Remus breathes in, then breathes out, and the air that leaves him feels hot with anger. He glares at Sirius, clenching his fingers into fists and locking them down to his sides.
"You don't understand—" he grits out, but Sirius cuts him off again, the expression on his face growing colder with every word he utters. "Oh no, of course I don't. I have no idea what it's like to be a werewolf. That doesn't change the fact that you left Harry there. You left him there. James' child. The child we swore to protect—"
"I did no such thing."
The moment the words leave his lips, Remus knows he has fucked up.
Sirius shuts his mouth with a decisive click of his teeth, face going blank and unreadable. He stares at Remus, nothing showing through the mask he has snapped into place. Remus feels the dread trickle down his throat like freezing cold water, and he scrambles for words the longer the silence goes on, trying to find ways to fix this, to make it better, to get Sirius to understand.
"Sirius, I—"
"I suggest you stop speaking before I rip out your tongue and strangle you with it."
Remus snaps his jaw shut with an audible clack of his teeth at the flat tone of voice. Sirius is very much capable of carrying out that threat and both of them know it.
"Get out of my sight, Lupin."
Remus swallows down the seven replies his mind comes up with and twists on his heel, stiffly walking towards the door. When he is about to shut the door behind him, Sirius speaks again.
"You're not Moony to me. I am not Padfoot to you. You will refer to me as Black, I won't answer to any other name. And stay away from my godson."
Remus let's out a shaky breath. Nods. And steps out, pulling the door shut behind him.
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that charismatic smile by tub ring is an accord song
SCREAMS. IT EVEN HAS HIS FOLDERS.....
gonna rant, actually, because the depth and aptness of this suggestion has SO greatly exceeded my expectations.
THAT'S HIMB. GOD. details dude. AUGH. the love and care and satisfaction with which the singer sings this first line... yeah that's what it's like in his head! jeepers. "a corporation of yourself" is SUCH a good description for accord too.
This part fits his ambitious plans, and desire to get state leaders and experts and such on board with them and working together. Like, this genuinely is his vision. well, this and idk embezzlement or something but he Does want to better the world.
The repetition/parallelisms ("and soon"/"and now") here are SO important! This is his plan kicking off, and immediately going pear-shaped (in his eyes) because of the disorderly and uncooperative actions of other humans. He's catching on that his ideals will not be realised.
The backing here, too! The way it gets more urgent, more distorted, more staticky and chaotic! Combined with "and soon the room is filled with menial discussion", it hits. like. I should not be relating to Accord but god DAMN. to me that captures the sensory overload of a room full of people talking over one another, the frustration of your voice getting lost in an uncoordinated group, when they're all talking around in circles and getting nowhere. I'm chill about group projects, wdym? Anyways. It's SO easy to picture this as his Shard aggravating pre-existing frustration/OCD/overload when his plans go awry, especially with that backing.
And (accord would saw trap me for starting with an independent conjunction, but the 'net is a lawless wasteland, babey!) the worst aspect of that kind of situation is the feeling of losing control...
Which makes the next lines hit all the harder!!
"Rising above the noise" I think really is how Accord sees himself and the Ambassadors, his motive and methods of villainy, his everything. And, God, this line! That's Accord's power fantasy! This is what he dreams about at night! That loss of control was never real, you were just lying in wait, and you're going to control every aspect of this formerly chaotic, terrifying, choking world.
It will be beautiful.
These last lines are also perfect, because they (along with the new super intense backing) don't shy away from his villainy. Accord has power because Accord kills for his power. His "order" comes at the price of lives. Ruined on a whim! Cody wasn't even at the damn meeting! So, yeah, he plays rough - and I love how this ending not only acknowledges that, in tandem with his "perfect control" fever dream, but cements the two together as the very same thing. To Accord, Mr. Shardbound 2011, guy who calms himself down after seeing shitty architecture by fantasising about the most horrific ways to bring the building down, efficiency and order and control and brutality and destruction are one and the same.
Which is something I had never put together, until Tub Ring knocked it out of the goddamn park.
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so i went to reblog some fanart earlier and started to tag it #oh this is. incredible actually, and then paused and thought, @self why the 'actually.' what is that adverb conveying. and i contemplated it for a bit, and finally concluded: well, shit. it's reflexive deprecation.
the thing is, deprecation is my starting position pretty much always, and that's a problem in itself, but mostly my problem; but when you're talking abt somebody else's work, and you start backing defensively away from imagined negativity before anyone's even actually voiced any? you may think you're playing bodyguard, but in reality you're the vanguard of the assault, opening a wedge for enemy forces to strike.
i was talking a couple of weeks ago abt seeing ppl tag that kristin sue lucas name-multiplied-by-one post with tags like 'this is art To Me' vel sim., and honestly i think it's a similar sort of reflex—i think exposure to the tumblr vernacular often leads people (very much including me!) to produce turns of phrase like this, that ultimately serve to convey roughly
'i, a clever girlblogger,¹ am, yeah, engaging with this frivolous hai pollai²-coded material; but my relationship to it, unlike that of most she-ple, is Intellectual and Analytical and Examined! and to make that clear, i'll be dropping in these little verbal particles from time to time, in order to distinguish my own, elevated examination of the subject from the state of risible naivete³ i'm implicitly ascribing to the other, more ordinary audience members i'm conjuring up only to instantly put down—but like, it's fine, i'm a free-and-easy girlblogger(TM), so you can't think i'd ever deliberately propagate establishmentarian prejudices! never mind the effect my rhetoric might subconsciously be having, on me or on anyone else…'
and i think this framing is worth squinting at, and worth attempting to excise from one's speech and from one's mindset, because when you get right down to it? it's just yet another insidious manifestation of respectability politics, that's gotten people to adopt it via the cuckoo-chick strategy of positioning itself as cutesy tumblr idiolect.
and like, circling back around to that fanart i mentioned at the outset: yeah, the tag did feel weirdly prosodically truncated to me without that 'actually'! but this way, if the artist ends up seeing my discussion of their work in their notes, they won't be getting slapped in the face with a wet dead fish first, so like. what's more important, you know?
⸻
¹ ""(gender neutral)""
² https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hoi_polloi in the feminine, if i haven't totally fumbled my declensions…
³ phrasing nicked from a comment of @proudheron's.
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