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A painting series based on my own experiences and others experiences with anxiety.

“It’s like having a horror movie playing inside your head constantly, a horror movie specifically designed to bring your worst fears to life. Sometimes I will just be going about my day when suddenly I can vividly picture every bone being ripped out of my skin by some invisible force. Or I will go off into a daydream and suddenly I’m watching a massacre play out in the most brutally violent way possible. Then panic sets in. Imagine a saw film. That’s my anxiety.”

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A while back I wrote about a therapist I had one and a half session with that basically said he wouldn’t work with because I’m “too difficult and intense”. Now in this case, “too difficult and intense” is code for me having borderline personality disorder. Once I disclosed my mental health status to this therapist he quickly avoided opening up any subjects and minutes later told me he can’t help me and that my condition is just too complex. Now I understand when someone is just not qualified to treat you to but this person didn’t give me a referral to anyone who would be qualified to do so. He just straight up bailed on me as soon as I mentioned my diagnosis. This happened two months ago. I’m still upset. Why? Yesterday I bumped into him on the street and he pretended he didn’t see me. Fuck that. Fuck all this stigma surrounding mental health and especially BPD. I’m too fucking tired of reaching out for help and getting shat on.

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I dropped out after my first semester of college. I was missing home and highschool, I couldn’t muster the energy to talk to people and make new friends or do something outside what was required, I was feeling hopeless, like my life was already a failure, I hated everything about it and I had lost all my energy and I’m afraid to talk about this because it doesn’t make sense and I feel like I’m just selfish, dramatic, weak and lazy, and people already told me I’m making a victim out of myself, but I don’t know how to keep everything bottled up inside completely. And I feel like I can’t do anything. I’m so afraid all the time that I’m a failure and a fraud and I’ll become evryone’s laughing stock or that I’ll be that one kid that could’ve done everything and wasted her life instead. I’m ashamed, I hate everything about this situation, I hate everything about myself and I hate that I can’t get myself to study or to learn something, or to write, I can’t get myself to do anything. I get these sudden bursts of energy but as soon as I grab a pen or my laptop they’re gone and I’m just bored with everything again. I feel like a waste of space and a waste of money and time and love and like I’m a disappointment waiting to happen. I don’t know what I’m going to do. I’ll go to another college come fall but I’m dreading the moment, knowing it might be just another mistake and I don’t even know if I’ll get in. I realized I have no dreams for the future and every time I feel like I could do something or like I want something, I just start thinking about how weak I am and about how I can’t put in the hard work I’ll need to. My best is not my best and it’s not enough. I’m afraid I’m just lazy but I can’t get myself to work and the more I think about all this, the more I hate myself. I wish I could’ve posted this anonymously…

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namiorgPhoto

From the outside, it seems like I have everything together. Someone who seems to have it all but makeup can hide a lot. It could be a blemish or a bruise, a scratch or any other insecurity. Makeup for me, is a way to hide myself from others. If I look normal on the outside than no one can see what’s going on inside my brain. What they don’t know is that I have had 5 panic attacks today, cried until I had no tears left, and then lay in bed feeling numb. The worst part is, I am left with no explanation.  

namiorg
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I’m an older adult who is a big fan of the S. Korean music group, BTS.  I’ve been to three of their concerts, follow them on twitter, YouTube and a special AP called VLive.  I‘ve been photographing and documenting Kpop fan culture since 2016.  I have heard, read and experienced personally how the group helps people, specifically giving them hope.

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I've  struggled with anxiety and BPD for most of my life. My adoptive mom also has MH flare-ups from time to time. Sometimes I wonder if I learned this behavior or if it’s always been a part of me? I’m 35 years old and I’m still battling anxiety and BPD. So often, I wish I could turn off my feelings and emotions. I get so worked up I lose track of myself and end up giving into my behaviors. I’ve tried self medicating & self-harm, neither helped, both caused more problems. I don’t want to continue to feel like this, overactive or like I’m “that person” in the room.

I’m currently on suboxone and in substance abuse recovery. I’m not sure if my medication adds fuel to the fire that is my anxiety and BPD behavior? I know, I feel my MH disorders holding me back from living the life I want to live, and being who I want to be. I want to be open, social, talkative (knowing whatf to say). I feel like if I don’t fix myself, I will never succeed in my job as an administrative assistant.  I cannot be shy to talk on the phone when that’s my job. It’s things like that, that make it difficult to live with social anxiety and BPD. If you see someone acting “off” or not what you consider “normal behavior,” please show compassion,  offer assistance,  be Kind to one another. We’re all part of the human race and we have to help each other through this life together.  May we find peace and healing, & rest for our souls. #RemoveTheStigma #mentalhealthawareness 

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My name is Tosha. I’m from Oklahoma and since I could walk I knew something was different about me. Always stayed to myself felt like I wasn’t good enough. My self esteem was awful! Anyhow my childhood wasn’t healthy to begin with. Grew up too fast! Had to and so did my mind. Always felt like people were against me. Tried to take my life more than I could count. And it grew even larger by the time I was grown I began messing with multiple drugs to numb myself along with alcohol. Still to this day I deal with depression, manic depressive disorder and multiple diagnoses. Been incarcerated and in many mental health facilities. Suicide attempts. God has given me so many chances to stay alive. Next time? Not a next time…. I struggle everyday. My Mom and Dad have passed and younger sibling and my 2 Handsome Nephews in Florida. Family but not all as close as I want to be as we all struggle with this illness. Runs through our blood line’s. To all that struggle don’t give up! Just find the right medication and plenty of counseling ECT.. Whatever helps you and keeps you in a positive comfort zone. Too many Friend’s and Family member’s aren’t with me due to suicide. Get help and never give up the fight to live. Our chances today are slim due to this Pandemic. Just know you are loved!!

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nobody should be made to feel guilty or inadequate because they don’t appreciate their family. biology does not excuse anyone from being accountable for their actions. biology does not demand indiscriminate respect.

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