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Artefakthandlungen: Es fängt wieder an!


- 📸 by Marina M. Moschberger / Ina [29.10.2020]

In den letzten Tagen will ich einfach nur noch Druck und Stress abbauen. Momentan bin ich innerlich ziemlich zerissen, was auf viele verschiedene Komponenten zurückzuführen ist (Liebeskummer, schulischer Druck, Body Image etc.) und ich weiß einfach nicht mehr wohin mit dem ganzen Mist. Ich bin ziemlich motivationslos, antriebslos, lethargisch und pessimistisch. Wahrscheinlich sage ich mehr als zehn Mal am Tag, dass ich sterben will (in den verschiedensten Ausführungen!). Ich weiß aber nicht, ob ich wirklich suizidgefährdet bin, denn eigentlich will ich nicht sterben, aber auch nicht unter solchen Umständen leben. Seit es mir schlecht geht, habe ich wieder mit dem Rauchen angefangen, trinke Alkohol, esse kaum, schlafe zu wenig und habe wieder angefangen mich selbst zu verletzen. Auf dem Bild habe ich versucht mich im Unterricht (mit dem Arm unterm Tisch) mit allen möglichen Utensilien meiner Federtasche zu verletzten. Anfangs hatte ich mit einem Füller auf mich eingestochen und es blutete sogar ein bisschen. Danach habe ich mich mit meinen Nägeln gekratzt. Weil diese Art der Selbstverletzung nicht mal ansatzweise dazu beitrug meinen Stress zu mildern griff ich dann auf das Zerkratzen meiner Haut mit einem Anspitzerdeckel zurück. Ich glaube, dass es meine Freunde die mit mir am Gruppentisch sitzen mitbekommen haben, was ich getan habe. Ich fühle mich wie ein Freak. Ich weiß darum, dass es problematisch ist so selbstzerstörerisch zu handeln aber ich finde inzwischen schon Gefallen daran. Ich hätte keine Probleme damit mich tot zu hungern. Aber wie gesagt, ich möchte nicht sterben und mir nicht selbst weh tun. Ich bin sehr froh darüber, dass die Verletzungen am Arm nicht sonderlich gravierend sind, denn eigentlich will ich leben.

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Teacher:“ Don’t be scared to ask a question, share your opinion … We need to communicate. If you need more time for your assignment because of some serious problems..tell me.”

My mind : Is psychiatric illness reasonable reason for needing more time? Isn’t just excuse? … however my insomnia influence me a lot. She probably hates me already. There are people who have it worse than me. I should end my life…

Am I the only one who has same problem? Does it make me actually sick because I feel like I’m not sick enough??

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@earlgraytay said on a post, “the number of times i have had to tell questioning trans men that they are still allowed to be trans, even if they don’t fit the Queer Aesthetic Du Jour, is fucking unreal”

I am feeling this so much. I don’t fit the general transmasc aesthetic and I really don’t feel compelled to do that, so it really makes me feel like I cannot be part of that group of people. So many people have said, “You do you,” but they don’t really mean it – not at least as far as acceptance as one of them goes. I’ve been judged harshly by trans males for showing off my breasts and being okay with having them. It doesn’t fit the narrative and confuses non-trans people thus making it more difficult for those who fit the narrative to be accepted by non-trans people. This may not be the experience for many but this has been my experience.

My solution? To identify as gender nonconforming. It allows me to not fall under either gender requirements and allows me to have my beard, male pronouns and still be able to enjoy/love my breasts, which I do very much. It really felt as if a huge weight was lifted off my shoulders – literally and figuratively.

It wasn’t until I made this decision over the weekend that I realized just how much stress this was adding to my life. I already have a stressful job and then there’s the pandemic stress, which is tied to the job too, so this additional “not fitting in” stress was just putting me over the top. Not having this weigh me down has been fantastic this week.

I cannot wait to keep feeling better about this and to enjoy the weight coming off physically as my cortisol levels have gone down to the point where I am losing weight. I was doing the dietary things but not losing weight like I had been before when I did the exact same thing. As soon as I made this change I started to shed the pounds. I’ve lost three pounds this week and haven’t done anything else different.

I also decided to give up men again, too, because that is very much not working out for me. But that’s a story for another post.

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Here’s something I overheard my sketching teacher tell one of my coursemates.

Teacher: No, you’re not following the rules I told you about. You’re only improvising and trying to draw your own thing now. Why do you think I’m telling you about these rules?
Student: Because it’s in our program.
Teacher: No, not because it’s in our program.
Teacher: I’m not trying to discourage you from drawing what and how you want, and finding your own style, that’s not what this is about. You know about [teacher]? He’s an illustrator, and he tries his best to let go of what academic rules he’s learned, in his work, and animations. But no matter how hard he tries, no matter what he draws, whether it be in perspective or motion, it never looks unnatural. That is because by this point, the instinct to draw things correctly is already in his blood, and cannot be forgotten.
Teacher: That is, what this school is trying to do, is give you wings, with which you can fly, afterwards.

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All #drivers who under the #influence of stress challenge other drivers prove the #lack of the required driver #culture.

Remember not to drive the #vehicle under the influence of #stress because your motor ability to #drive is then #impaired.

You can cause an accident and even kill a person.

You don’t know what to do when you are stressed? Park your car, switch to public transport to get to the right place #safely, then come #back for your #vehicle.

This is the correct #behavior of the responsive #driver.

Under the influence of stress, I do not drive a car because I am fully aware that excessive and prolonged stress #temporarily reduces #motor activity. (at Finsbury Park)

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I wish I could have a white picket fence family, one that loves and laughs and truly cares for each other. I wish I lived in a world where I came home to my mother and father loving each other wholly.

Warm family dinners, big holiday celebrations, bickering playfully with cousins.

I wish my mom didn’t have to stress so much; work, her little sister, me and whatever else she has on her plate.

I want peace and stability, I am tired of being stressed. My aunt and her family are really close to being homeless and asked my mother for a large sum of money. Mom has refused as she constantly lends my aunt money and cant afford to run the risk of not being paid back.

Tomorrow we help them move out… I think they are mad about not getting money… Hopefully things dont go bad…

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October started off great. General Counsel complemented a document that I had been stressing over for a while, and that gave me a much needed confidence boost. However, things immediately went downhill from there. I am leading a project that’s not going too well due to factors beyond my unavailable & unreliable resources. I am also one of the reasons this thing is not going well. I have had a hard time managing my anxiety (thanks US election season, violence against black people in the news, & COVID 19!) so much that I have not been as effective or productive as I could be. I haven’t been able to articulate what I was feeling until I saw these tweets:


These tweets put a lot in perspective for me. It’s just good to know that I’m not the only one feeling this way. I had a follow up with my boss, and she was upset about potentially missing some deadlines, but I let her know that I’m doing my best. I didn’t mention my anxiety or plummeting energy and motivation (cuz not sure if that would have been appropriate), but i let her know that I’m sincerely trying my hardest, and she acknowledged me and said that she knows that I’m trying my best. She also let me know that her ass is on the line if things don’t go well and that we need to whip this shit into shape. We talked about some strategies that we can use to right the ship, and that conversation felt good. Good to know that my boss and I were able to sync up like that.

My boss is counting on me to provide some key inputs to a big presentation she’s working on and I have been able to support her very well in that. At least I’m not failing across the board.

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i can’t safely vent anywhere else and my 2 friends are asleep so fuck it, venting into the void time

tl;dr: my sister and i have a bad relationship and i want to get along with her but my mental illnesses and her mental illnesses make it extremely difficult and i feel horrible about it all.

my sister dropped by tonight and i had very little warning, and i especially didn’t realize she’d be spending the night (i work overnight and am nocturnal and she doesn’t work right now so her sleep schedule is Random). i have a bunch of shit to do around the house that I can’t make myself do most of the time because i’m a shambling homonculus of poorly treated mental illness. i’ve been lowkey stressed all year because it’s 2020 and i’m a leftist in america, watching the nation fall to fascism while society crumbles and civilians die and science is mocked, unable to see my friends in person, all within a year of our dad passing away, and with a 15 year old dog who means everything to me who i may lose at any point, because age be like that sometimes. i live with my authoritarian mother and can’t smoke weed (the only way i can actually relax), if i drink it has to be in secret, i can’t say anything political around her, and I can’t reveal anything about my sex life because i’m literally not allowed to have one. so to say i’m Always Stressed is an understatement. my only hobbies at this point are going to the vet for dog prescription refills or paranoid checkups, and distracting myself with internet and hulu because being alone with my own mind is too risky.

in addition, i grew up with bad social anxiety and, as i recently learned, am most likely autistic. it’s rare for me to spend time with someone without feeling on edge; it tends to be at least mildly stressful and i need some prep time to have plans or something, anything to fall back on so we’re not just sitting around awkwardly while they ask what i wanna do and i say i don’t know. obviously, the people i’ve gotten along best with are people who are cool with chilling, being in a room together without much engagement, and pointing at nearby animals as a form of bonding because look, there’s a bird, isn’t that great???

my sister is not like this. in many ways she takes after my mom; more extroverted than she realizes, focusing every conversation on her viewpoint, seemingly unable to hear and learn from other perspectives. in addition, she plays the victim pretty often, always using language that forces guilt onto everyone else and pushing people away if they don’t do what she wants (and then trying to guilt them back into her life).

so despite a relatively good relationship through large parts of our childhood/adolescence, the older we get, the less i can deal with her. my mental health is deteriorating, as is hers, and we have similar issues there, but she tends to want people around her, always doing stuff with her, hanging out all the time. she’s spent most of the plague lockdown with a guy she met online, so she’s barely been alone. she has roommates who get on her nerves but are also young and easier to relate to than, say, a republican boomer who goes to church every week and mostly talks now to other widows (which isn’t a bad thing, just not something i can relate to). she says she’s upset that she hasn’t been working because of covid, but has made very little effort, if any, to get another job because those Essential jobs are the kind she just… doesn’t do. so yes, she has problems and is allowed to want to hang out with her sister… but she doesn’t get that her sister is fucking Broken and Hanging Out isn’t the glue for me that it is for her.

my nights off are often my only chance to do chores and housework (doing so around my mom is frustrating as hell), plus i need that solitude as a break from the intense social anxiety. when she came over and i realized she was spending the night, i knew it’d end in a fight. she doesn’t say “what do you want to do” or accept if i say “nothing, let’s just hang out”. she asks repeatedly if i want to watch a movie (i almost never watch movies, i can’t explain it, i’m just not a movie person and don’t have much desire to watch them). if i walk into another room to eat a snack she starts checking in, often using a particular tone of voice that i recognize as “i want something”. she requires a level of patience and social energy I don’t have,and when i start getting flustered because i can never properly express “i don’t know what i want to do, and if i do anything i want to clean up my room or something boring that isn’t a shared activity, so if we could just hang out near each other that would be fine” when i start getting stressed. my language capabilities just… stop? when my anxiety is flaring up, especially when i’m talking out loud to a person. she jumps on the presence of stress in my voice, on uneasy tones, on the realization that i wasn’t ready for this, and immediately starts getting passive aggressive, guilting me for not wanting to hang out with her, telling me how hard her life is, invalidating my hesitations, etc. when i asked if she would want to do something different, like watch cartoons instead while i tried to get stuff done, she cut me off angrily and said no. she’s said things like “fine i get it i won’t ask anymore” multiple times and blamed me for not updating her on my work schedule or whatever, just making me feel worse and worse, but also more indignant because i had so little say in any of this.

she does this a lot, in many situations- she’s not a person who’s good at taking no for an answer, which is extremely worrying in terms of her need to always have a boyfriend because I have no idea how they’re being treated. it’s possible she mostly does this to me, because i was always a pushover and have only learned in recent years to try and express what’s really going on in my head (and also i have lost a lot of the patience i had before my life had fallen apart completely).

i want to hang out. i miss spending time with people. i wish i could just say yes and sit uncomfortably through a movie like a normal person probably would to keep a nicer relationship with my sister. but being pressured, being denied my own say, being expected to spend my first night off in almost a week how i wish to spend it, and being guilted for all of it, mixed with my weird, anxious, autistic brain’s need to blurt out true answers before the socially acceptable option even occurs to me, have made for ridiculous hurdles that i can no longer jump over. i want comfort. i want a voice. i want respect. and the people who allow me those privileges aren’t the people i’ve been able to keep in my life (my dad passed away and my friends are out of bounds because of covid). so constant frustration wears me down and then i argue with my sister because i’m too fucked to just say sure and watch a damn movie, and she’s too fucked to accept that people need to be able to say no, even to tiny, seemingly simple requests.

also my favorite holiday is this weekend and i can barely even care because i got scheduled to work despite asking off and have been dreading having to call and get my schedule fixed.

anyway that’s my night off so far. whee.

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