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आज सुबह, तब - जब रात अपनी परिभाषाओं में डाईल्युटेड होने लगती है और रौशनी एक मृतप्राय भेड़ की मिमियाहट के साथ धीरे-धीरे एक दुबले से मेमने की तरह दिन को जन्म दे रही होती है, मेरी नींद खुल गयी. सरका कर खोले जाने वाली दरवाज़ेनुमा बड़ी-सी खिड़की पर बारिश की बड़ी-बड़ी बूँदें हवा की धौंस भरी मुट्ठियों के साथ गिर रही थीं. मैं इतनी नींद में था कि उस शोर से लगभग याचना की मुद्रा में आ गया था. ऐसे मौकों पर बचपन के वे दिन याद आ जाते हैं जब बारिश आते ही बिस्तर समेट कर, आधी नींद में ही छत से मच्छरों से भरे निचले कमरे की ओर भागना पड़ता था. आज भी आधी नींद वाला ये इतिहास आधी नींद में ही याद आ गया और नींद पूरी तरह खुल गयी. 

मैं खिड़की पर गया तो सड़क पार एक बुड्ढा एक बंद दुकान की शेड में बैठकर बीड़ी पी रहा था. मैंने कभी बीड़ी नहीं पी. लेकिन उसे देखकर मुझे उसके हाथों की गर्म कसैली गंध से इर्ष्या हो आयी. तभी उस बुड्ढे ने मेरा उसको देखना देख लिया और मेरा उसको देखना, महज़ देखना, जाने क्यों एक चोरी में बदल गया. मैं एक नौसिखिये चोर की तरह पूरा दृश्य, चोरी के सामान की तरह वहीँ छोड़-छाड़कर बिस्तर में लौट आया और वापिस सो गया.

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May 5th 2020

Today was a suck-y day. I struggled to get out of bed and when I finally managed to sit down to study, I began to experience a lot of backpain. I tried doing short bits of studying at a time, but unfortunately it didn’t really work for me.

By now I know that I have these kind of days every now and then, but I still get so frustrated. If anyone has any advice on how to handle frustration like this, please tell me!

Stay healthy❤

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Whenever ya see a cop beatin’ a guy

Wherever a hungry newborn baby cries

Wherever there’s a fight against the blood and hatred in the air

Look for me, ma’, I’ll be there

Wherever somebody’s strugglin’ for a place to stand

For a decent job or a helpin’ hand

Wherever somebody is strugglin’ to be free

Look in their eyes, ma, you’ll see me

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Pressured under will to imagine perfection
Pursue given task otherwise know rejection
Skewed expectation to create impossibility  
Dip into insanity to accept responsibility


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I really love the Gaia and Clarke friendship. But hope it doesn’t turn into a love thing, even though they have real chemistry and I am all here for the gay romance. And Maddi is already kinda being raised by those two, so it would be cute. But I also think some bonds can get destroyed by making them get together. 

And I have been shipping Bellarke for so long aswell. I would be happy if they end up together, but also there, such a beautiful friendship, that would be kinda lost. I donno, the older I get the more worth I put into Friendships rather then Relationships.

But then again would be such a nice end if they got together, just ‘cause of the build up and they are married in real life!!!! 


Anywaaaay thanks for coming to my Ted talk!

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I don’t really know how to start, so I’ll just shortly explain - I’m here, because I’d like this to be my weight loss journal. I’ve never expected myself to publish any posts about my struggle with my own body, but this time, the entire journey looks a bit different for me (I’ve already lost a lot of weight once), so I thought that maybe this will be motivating for me, to write about my ups and downs. Hope that works!

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#WakeUp Everyone ! ! ! #OnSite #HollyWoodUnlocked
#BlackLivesMatter #2020protests #america #struggle #dotherightthing #urbano 👊🏽Rights #blackamerica #tmznews #blackandwhite #latino #losangeles #texas #alabama #miami #atlanta #baltimore #philly #starbucks #nationalcivilrightsmuseummemphis
#Newark 🌎WorldWide #worldnews ☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆
#145WORK848 (at New York metropolitan area)

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