#stupid dumb feral bastard asshole

[dothemindything]

==> You're not sure why you did that.

When you excuse yourself, all smiles and words calculated to charm and entice this stupid fucking nobody you can't seem to stop playing with, you hurry from the woods like the fresh air could burn you, crisp and floral with spring blossom, absolutely fucking foreign in your lungs, but sickly familiar all the same-

And you really don't know why you did it. Not when you were supposed to be getting better. Being good. The words come back to you, typed on your keyboard with a buzzing in your ears as you'd fought back the panic threatening to spill your innards into the lethal open: That you'd had a rough few months. Rough enough, it seems, to start taking it out on someone, again. Even when he'd bowed his head for you. Like he really believed you were good for him. But you're not, and this just proves it. You're the worst kind of person. It's in your putrid fucking blood, no matter what Dirk tries to say.

Maybe you were just angry having to pretend otherwise. Or maybe you're just angry it was so easy. Like it's his fault for trusting you. Like he should've known, if he's so acquainted with holiness. He should've known evil in the flesh, and it's all his fault, and you almost hate him for it. You hate him for that blind loyalty, the sort you've only ever broken, and you hate the rest of the world for making him so fucking easy. The sort of guy people can't help but take advantage of, because that's how things are.

And you hate that you'd liked it.

Justified it to yourself with the voice of your worst nightmare in your head, reminding you, praising you: There are predators, and there are prey. And nobody can fault a monster for having an appetite. For feasting on the weak, born to fester like torn carcasses on a hunter's trail. It's natural. It's inevitable. It's primal fate, for the dumb and feral.

There's nothing to stop you anymore, in that regard. No leash. No noose. Tight around the neck, constricting until it chokes, until you're lain cold in the basement with only the molten touch of his cigarette branding into your skin, sinful, and searing the toxins away-

But you'd just walked out. Nobody the wiser. The forest had parted, as if in recognition of the food chain, and you'd left the consequences behind. Always. Always. Always.

Wild and unchecked.

Maybe you just wanted to see how far this could go, with nobody standing in your way, anymore. Nobody to stop you, nobody to leash you, and right under that bastard's snubbing nose, always too fucking good for you. Everything they had, too fucking good for you to ever be a part of, like your touch alone was tainted, and that's why you had to ruin it. Ruin it, ruin him, and show him.. that..

...

..You have to fix it. It's clear the moment you'd exited the doorway, instantaneous regret shooting gelatin through your rotten marrow, weakening your knees so that, by the time you hit the edge of the mattress, there's not an ounce of poise left in you to prevent you from toppling face first onto the blankets. Sprawled there like the piece of shit you are while Dirk's out doing that, everybody's favorite, and you're just..

You're just you. And it's harrowing.

You're just you, and the world is spinning with the weight of her presence eating holes through your sinful fucking skull, pushing inwards like a bullet to the brain, barrel between the eyes, melting the contents beneath into a disgusting sludge finally worthy of self identification. A tar pit. And you're drowning in it, you're drowning him in it. You're boiling him, crab in the pot, and he doesn't even know. And he won't, until it's too late. So it has to be you, before any of them realize what's happened. Before everything you've built is left to crumble beneath the destructive corrosion of one poisonous whim, with this clueless asshole playing kingpin at the very center of the board.

Clueless, but innocent. Not like you.

..You'll find an excuse.

Somewhere on the bed, with the glasses case clutched between your fingers, you do your best to think of a plan. And by the time your roommate's back, nobody has to know. Because you'll have it all figured out.

It's going to be fine.

You've gotten away with worse.

#shortfic

[no-more-treason-guys]

yeah

#tangled the series #tts #tts hector #hector tts #hector tangled #yes i think hector is hot #i am shamelessly attracted to this unhinged and feral man #he deserved more screentime #i was robbed #stupid dumb feral bastard asshole #unleashing a goddamn ancient evil and getting mind controlled by it #i love him so much #i bet hes got so many braincells but he just refuses to fuckin use them #idiot #quirin: hey hector #hector: [biting a stick he found because he just kind of wanted to] hello #quirin: ...bye hector

[systlin]

Would you mind sharing names and photos of your six cats?

Photos maybe later, I don't know where half of them are right now. Probably sleeping on the top shelf in the closet, again.

Muffin. Big Gray Bastard. Vet is positive he's at least half maine coon; he's got the furry paws and ear tufts and all that, and also weighs 25 pounds and is nearly the size of a small bobcat. Big Boi. Sweet to me, who he has chosen as His Person, but can be an asshole. Chirrups. Tail Very Floof. Will play fetch.

Kreig. Muffin's brother. Smaller (only 18 pounds!) and sweeter. Also has floof paws and ears. Likes to head bonk me, preferably when I am mid-drink of coffee to make me spill it.

Logan. Gray domestic shorthair. The eldest, and a Dignified Man. Likes to sit perched on top of the hutch or medicine cabinet or fridge and look down upon his domain while looking EXACTLY like one of those statues of Bast. Gets on great with Muffin.

Ra. Orange domestic shorthair. Very sweet boy. Very stupid. No brain cells in that little skull, just a screensaver bouncing around.

Stinky. Also an orange domestic shorthair, but his color is more muted. Also very sweet. Somehow even stupider than Ra. Him and Ra get along great; it's like a tiny adorable and very dumb comedy duo.

Bud/Buddy; brown domestic shorthair. The newest. Very sweet, but after being attacked by the feral toms outside is very wary of these other cats. All except Muffin are mostly curious about him; Muffin, being an asshole, did walk up and swat at him just to be a total dick. Bud swatted back, though, so they'll work it out.

[snowdice]

Virgil’s Okay (He’s Not. He’s Sick.)

Fandom: Sanders Sides

Relationships: Janus & Virgil, Logan & Virgil, Patton & Virgil

Characters:

Main: Virgil

Appear: Janus, Logan, Patton

Summary: Virgil got in a fight and now has to help the theater department set up for their next show. The problem, he’s really sick, but his dad thinks he’s just trying to weasel his way out of it.

Notes: Sick fic, emotionally abusive parent, fighting mentioned, 0 tolerance fighting policies are dumb

The prompt was Could you do 5 (“Would you stop it?  I know you’re faking it.”), 9 (“You’re shaking like a leaf!”) and 12 (“Don’t pay any attention, it’s all just dramatics.”) on the sick prompt list, but it’s Virgil angst/comfort? Like someone not believing he’s sick so he has to do stuff while he’s sick and one of the others notices? from the Hurt / Comfort Sickfic Drabble Prompts list.

I am not taking more prompts on this list at this time.

...

.........

Do not make an AU where a pack of feral drama students (and also teacher) adopt freshman art student Virgil, Adriana. You cannot.

“Would you stop it?” Virgil’s dad snapped. Virgil flinched at the sharpness of his tone. “I know you’re faking it. You aren’t getting out of this.”

Virgil slumped down into his hoodie, unable to reply for fear of coughing again. As it was, his throat was tingling horribly. He was not at all faking this. He felt ready to fall over, but Dad wasn’t listening. They already didn’t get along at the best of times, and he’d been mad at Virgil ever since the fight last week and the subsequent suspension and mandatory community service to the school.

Virgil guessed he should have just let himself get beaten into the dirt instead of swinging back. Instead, he’d clocked the bastard that had attacked him and landed himself in the principal’s office instead of the hospital. This was, apparently, morally reprehensible.

The car parked in the mostly empty high school parking lot. Ugh. It should be a crime to make kids enter a school on a Saturday. Why did some people willingly do this again?

His dad got out of the car without a word and Virgil followed him. The world shifted a bit under his feet, but after a couple of moments to breath, things settled mostly. Don’t get him wrong, he still felt horrible, but the world was not spinning. His dad led him to the side entrance nearest the auditorium. There were already kids in the hallway chatting happily. Virgil did his best to avoid their eyes. They were probably wondering who this strange kid intruding on their fun activity was.

Dad led him past them and into auditorium. There were a few kids and an older man on the stage spreading out a bunch of cardboard onto the floor. Dad walked up to him.

“Hi,” Dad said. “Are you the person who needed more help with the set design for the musical?” he asked, even though that was pretty obvious. He looked up and came to the edge of the stage.

“I am,” he said. Virgil vaguely recognized him from the school hallway. His face was pretty much permanently pinched, and he tended to yell angrily at people from down the hallway, but he’d also heard he was nice most of the time if a little snippy during tech week. Of course, that was to the nice kids who wanted to be at his stupid set building days and didn’t punch other kids in the face. “I’m assuming you’re Virgil.”

Virgil nodded.

“Use your words, Virgil,” his dad said.

“Yes, sir,” he said. His voice sounded horrible and he couldn’t help but cough just a bit at the end.

He blinked down at him. “Are you alright?” he asked.

“Don’t pay any attention,” Dad sneered. “It’s all just dramatics. He’s been trying to get out of this all week.”

Great, now he was going to think he was a little shit who didn’t want to be here. Well, he didn’t want to be here, but that was more because he didn’t feel like he should be punished for not letting some asshole walk all over him.

His brow was pinched a bit, but he didn’t protest. “Why don’t you come up onto the stage,” he suggested. “The stairs are through that door.”

He nodded. “See you,” he said to his dad quietly and then rushed away towards the door. His dad had already turned and was walking away by the time he made it to where the other students were putting out all of the supplies.

“Are you sure you’re okay?” he asked.

He cleared his throat a bit. “Fine,” he replied as steadily as he could.

He eyed him for a long moment. “Okay,” he said. “Well, I’m Mr. Lial. I’ll be in and out most of the day, but if you need me, feel free to ask Logan. He’s the stage manager and will be overseeing most of the set building.” He motioned over to a tall guy organizing some of the paintbrushes.

Virgil nodded and the teacher led him over to introduce him to Logan. He informed the boy that Virgil would be helping with set design but didn’t mention the fact that Virgil was here for a punishment, which Virgil was thankful for. Of course, he could already know, but it was still appreciated, and Logan didn’t seem to be treating him like a pariah yet, so that was good.

“What are your strengths?” Logan asked. “Would you rather work on moving things around as needed, sketching things out, or painting the large background colors for the sky and grass before details are added?”

“Uh,” Virgil said softly. He really didn’t want to be moving around much right now. “I’m not horrible at art,” he said. “I could probably do the sketching or the painting.”

“Hmm,” Logan said. “You can try the sketching and maybe detail work later if you have a steady hand.” Virgil nodded and he was handed a sheet of paper with what the set was supposed to hopefully look like as well as pencils and measuring equipment. Then, Logan led Virgil over to a giant piece of cardboard that had already been cut into a rough castle shape.

Working on drawing the windows and brick blocks on the castle was easy work, almost fun. He got lost in the slow methodical movements of sketching the design he was given onto the cardboard. He had to cough a couple of time, but mostly was able to smother the urge. Also leaning down made his nose run, but he was careful not to let anyone see him rub it with his hoodie sleeve. (It was gross, but he didn’t have any better options.) He finished the whole sketch by himself, but then the problem presented itself. Virgil tried to get up.

He’d been distracted by his task enough that he’d forgotten what it had felt like to get out of the car earlier and the second he pushed himself to his feet from the ground, he just about fell back over.

“Are you alright?” a boy, one of the ones who’d been painting the sky on a nearby piece asked.

“I,” Virgil said, feeling himself teeter back and forth and coughing. “I’m fine.”

He didn’t see how it had happened, but he blinked, and the next moment he’d ended up in someone’s arms. “Oh, honey,” the boy who’d caught him said. “You’re shaking like a leaf.”

“M’fine,” Virgil mumbled even as he leaned his head against the boy’s shoulder and closed his eyes in an attempt to stay upright.

“No, you’re not,” the boy said, rubbing his back. “Lo, come here.”

Virgil just focusing on breathing for the couple of seconds that it took the stage manager to walk across the stage. “Patton why are you hugging a stranger?”

“He’s not a stranger.”

“What’s his name.”

“Uh…”

“Virgil,” Virgil supplied into his shirt.

“He’s Virgil!” Patton said happily, but then his tone turned serious. “Virgil is sick.”

“I’m a‘right.” Virgil insisted.

The two of them did not bother to even respond to that. Probably because one of them was holding his entire weight by this point. A cold hand reached up to touch his forward and Virgil shivered.

“I’m getting Mr. Lial,” Logan’s voice said. “Sit him down and stay with him.”

“Kay,” Patton agreed. “Can you move, honey? There’s a chair a couple of feet to the left.”

“Yeah,” he said, not really sure if he meant it. Patton managed to half drag him over to the chair so he could sit and then shoved a bottle of water and a box of Kleenexs into his hand. Virgil wiped any residue snot off his face. Oh, god, he hoped he didn’t just ruin the practical stranger’s shirt by snotting all over it. Luckily, looking at it, it was already covered in paint, so it was probably fine. He took a drink of the lukewarm water which made his throat feel marginally better, but he still ended up in a coughing fit by the end of it. Patton rubbed his back gently through it. By the time his body finally calmed down, there was a pair of shoes in his vision.

“Is this what you call ‘okay’?” Mr. Lial asked, sounding a bit irritated.

Virgil sat up and squinted at him. “…Yes.”

Mr. Lial snorted in surprise. “Well,” he said. “I would not agree with you.”

“Okay?”

Mr. Lial shook his head. “Let’s get you laying down somewhere nice and dark,” he suggested, offering Virgil his hand.

“I’m fine,” Virgil said, even while taking it.

“I completely believe you,” Mr. Lial replied leading him off towards the side of the stage. “You’re perfectly well, surely.”

Want to read more? Click below!

My Master Post

#sanders sides #virgil sanders #janus sanders #logan sanders #patton sanders #platonic moxiety #platonic analogical #platonic anxceit #not pieces fic #adriana writes #sick fic #tw emotional abuse #tw fighting mentioned #feral theater kids au

[cottoncandy-jester]

✨lay down now darling its time for a dream✨

Little Cucciolo (leone abbacchio x male reader)

Yay my first jjba story! There are many many more in the works and as always requests are open

Honestly Im a fan of writing reader as a literal dumb feral beast cause it reminds me of one of my ocs and they are fun so expect more fics with this type of reader

This story contains: pet play, anal sex, use of the word master, degrading, praise kink(if you squint), reader being a dumbass feral animal, dumbification

Cucciolo= puppy

"whose such a good boy? Whose such an obedient pet?"

" ah- me! Me me me master, it's me!"

Your excited squeals as you sat on your knees under the table made leone chuckle before running his hands through your hair. As he poked his fingers through the muzzle you wore he had to pull it back fast since you tried to bite him with your sharp teeth. Usually he would punish such actions but he allowed it since you were whining about food before you all got here.

Honestly you were more animal than person but that was okay, abacchio was the one to find you in an alley way eating rotten meat. At first he was going to leave you be but when you reached for him and let out those helpless little whines he couldn't help but take you home. With lots of training, care, and love you became the perfect pet you are now.

"is the puppy hungry? Hmm? If I take the muzzle off you can't bite anyone okay? Understand?"

The male's stern tone made you nod before you nuzzled your face against his thigh clearly wanting to get your face in-between his legs but Leone quickly stopped you before giving you a light glare.

"not that, not now..later if you are good you can have a taste"

Leone sighs as he unbuckled the muzzle and placed it on top the table only to put a plate of food onto the ground watching as you ate messily as if you were some starved beast.

Leone glanced down at you with a smile before focusing on calmly drinking a glass of wine, wrapped around his hand was a black leash attached to a black leather collar with a shiny purple heart tag with the words 'belongs to leone abbacchio' carved on it in black letters. You were his and everyone knew, hell the others would rarely touch you besides giving pets on your head or quick pats on your back

Well everyone besides giorno who had no fear of abbacchio's rules and would often praise and pet you whenever you were close enough, like right this moment when he reached under the table and softly snapped his fingers to gain your attention which worked.

Leone felt a faint tug on the leash so he looked down to check on you only to see you were on the other side of the table your body settled between giorno's legs as he seemed to be feeding you cake lovingly while softly giving you praises such as 'good boy' or even beckoning you to eat more.

"say ahh.. careful not to spill cream on you would hate to get you all messy"

Giorno's hushed dominant tone seemed to piss leone off but it only got worse when the male saw the blonde gently pull you up before slowly leaning down to lick cream off your cheek while glancing at your so called master.

Leone snapped and yanked the leash roughly seeing you fall back to the ground along with hearing a gagging sound from you before you looked at the source of the tug flinching at the sight of a very angry leone.

"come here, now"

It didn't take long before you were crawling under the table returning to leone's side and gripping his leg kissing it and his shoes as a way to apologize. The male glared down at you in disgust before simply scooping you into his arms before eying giorno he will deal with that asshole later.

Leone calmly walked into the bathroom before locking it and dropping you to the ground. He yanked your leash tightly as he pressed his heel against your bulge, he could feel how hard you were and just the sight of you like this drove him crazy.

"tell me slut, what the hell was that?"

"i-i wanted cake..you were busy so giorno offered to share"

Your soft voice was one he rarely heard since he was far more used to your random feral squeals and squeaks but it made him feel special since you only spoke to politely to him.

"when the Cucciolo needs something..who does he come to no matter what?"

Leone leaned down glaring at you as you kept your head down now sitting on your knees avoiding eye contact, you bit your bottom lip only to feel leone softly pull your lip from under your teeth

"speak, pet. Who do you go to when you want or need something?"

"m-master..I go straight to master and no one else"

Leone gripped your face with his hand now squishing your cheeks together and forcing eye contact, he wanted you to know that he was angry with you that what you did was wrong.

"then why would you even dare go to that bastard?! It's like you want to be punished"

After speaking leone pulled back before unhooking the leash from your collar and forcing you to stand. He glanced at the bathroom counters before giving a short whistle motioning you to bend over, a motion you are fairly familiar with.

It took you less than a second to bend over on the counter before you got to work on pulling down your pants only to feel leone roughly grab your arms and tie them behind your back using the leash as a rope.

"did I tell you to do that? You are just being so fucking bad today"

With an annoyed click of his tongue leone simply yanked your underwear and pants down in one swift yank. Your ass was already still red from the spanking you had gotten a few nights prior for biting leone and the sight made the male suck in a sharp breath

"spanking is far too good for you, no no a slutty boy like you deserve a punishment that will make you think twice about even being near that stupid bastard"

The Anger in leone's voice gave you shivers but then you heard a ripping noise and before you could question it you felt something shoved into your mouth. You recognized this fabric..it was your very own underwear

"now, here's what's gonna happen whore I'm going to finger this slutty little hole and see just how many times you cum just from that, is that understood?"

Once he saw you nod leone licked two of his fingers before he shoved them both in with zero warning, the feeling made your body twitch as you shuddered and squirmed lightly now feeling precum dribble down your cock as you waited for leone to move his fingers with a needy whine escaping you.

When leone did move he showed absolutely no mercy, his thick fingers shoved deep into your hole before he scared to do a scissor motion while pumping in and out deeply enjoying your insanely slutty squeals and moans.

"you slutty mutt, I bet you wanted this eh? You wanted to piss me off so I would punish you. You're always so eager for my fucking attention even if it means me ripping your hole open like this!"

His cold words ended with him adding a third finger inside if you now roughly pumping his fingers in and out spreading them as far as they would go. Your muffled who and feral bucking of your hips as you cummed only made leone hard but he needed more, he needed to feel you climax more. It was like an addiction watching your lewd face from the bathroom mirror the way your eyes rolled back as you slobbered all over the underwear in your mouth was enough to give him shivers.

His gluttony to make you cum went on for so long that you were already slurring your words and acting like a total idiot. Your body shook as your babbling was just you begging for his cock to rip you apart, the underwear dropped from your mouth but leone didn't seem to mind and actually adored your sobs and crazy babbling. leone finally gave into your sobbing pleas since he himself was so hard he thought his cock would rip his pants.

"alright slut, I hope you're ready"

As you heard him unzip his pants you were practially wiggling your ass from excitement as your brain was already dumb just from leone's fingers. As you felt leone untie your arms you couldn't help but squeal and whine

"master's cock! Ah! Gimme gimme gimme gimme! Need it need it! My slutty boy parts are tingling! Nghhh-"

Your high pitched squeals were silenced by leone slapping your ass before he pressed his cock against your eager asshole. He was going to give you a second to relax before he pushed in but he gasped when you slammed your ass back forcing him inside you.

"ooohh~ m-master's thick sweet cock is filling me I'm gonna ripppp~"

Leone gripped your hips with a low growl as he started to roughly thrust in and out of you.

"fuck- you're so fucking hot when you are stupid and horny like this so..damn..stupid all you can think about is cock"

His low growling in your ear seemed to only excite you more as your loud rabid moans filled the room. You were drooling with your eyes rolling back as you excitedly stroked your cock with one hand while your other pulling at your own nipples before you pressed your face against the counter getting drool all over it.

"faster! Faster! Faster! Harder! Harder! Break me break me break me!"

Your dumb squeals only got worse as leone did exactly as you screamed. You started to trail your tongue along the counter now not even speaking a proper language and just making random sounds.

"fuck- you are really going crazy there eh Cucciolo? Who owns you?! Who is the only one who can fuck you like this?! Speak!"

It was pure sadistic for leone to demand you to speak knowing you were already too brain fried to form proper words but hearing you squeal what sounded like his name over and over was enough for him.

When it came time for his climax leone digged his nails Into your hips as he slammed his hips harder before he heard a gasp coming from you, you knew exactly when he was going to cum and now came the point where your crazy begging for his cum started.

"need cum..! Insideeee! Dooo it inside! Fill fill fill fill!"

God leone loved how dumb you got cause of him. It was absolutely beautiful and was enough to make him slam his hips and fill your needy hole with his hot cum.

This action caused you to cum for what you think is the 5th time, your hips slammed into the counter as you cummed all on the floor and your body twitched and spasmed with the purest of bliss and euphoria before going totally limp.

Leone slowly pulled out and quickly held your waist so you didn't fall, he softly sat you on the found before pressing soft kisses onto youe face and sweetly, your eyes were drooped as your expression was zoned out, drool dribbled down your chin and you lightly swayed side to side.

He chuckled as he helped you get cleaned up and dressed before placing a soft kiss on your lips. He knew you more than you knew yourself so seeing you like this was nothing new though he did like to make sure you can somewhat talk.

"puppy, I love you"

"yummmmyy..cockkk~"

Yup.

He definitely overdid it.

leone calmly hooked your leash onto your collar before fixing his own clothes and scooping you into your arms feeling you nuzzle your face into his neck while still drooling so he softly rubbed your back now walking out the bathroom only see a line of people who urgently had to pee.

Leone simply smirked as he walked back to the table and calmly took a seat while you slowly took a nap cuddling into Leone while he petted your hair and planting sweet kisses onto your sleeping face.

"my sweet little Cucciolo, I love you more than life itself"

His sweet whispers into your ear earned him a sleepy coo as you felt into a slumber clinging to the man you love.

#jjba imagines #jjba smut #leone abbacchio #leone abbachio x reader #jjba

[regrettablewritings]

@locke-writes my love

ithasbeenalongassfewdaysandiamjustnowgettingtothissosorryiamtwash 💖 💖 💖

DJ x Reader Ship Meme

But fuck that guy :U

jfdjfdkjf i just appreciate how we all came together, took one look at this bastard who was in a film for a collective maybe 10 minutes maximum and decided that whatever material that shitty-ass getup of his was made from, we were going to make it boyfriend material one way or another

Though the fact that barely anybody writes for him or searches for him anymore indicates one of two possibilities: Either we are the strong who persevere even though he really doesn’t deserve it, or we are like raccoons digging in the trash and clinging on to this “neutral”, dirty bastard.

Foggy x Reader Ship Meme

We promote Foggy supremacy in this house. Sorry, Matt, but I’m not sorry.

Foggy is charming as FUCK and yeah, his realism can make him seem like a stick-in-the-mud between Karen and Matt, but there’s a reason his ass ain’t back-flipping around Hell’s Kitchen: It’s just not safe or sensible! Foggy is the grounding force of a group, and I think that’s something we don’t really appreciate enough because we’re so wrapped up in witnessing adventure that we don’t always recognize the importance of stability -- especially in the MCU or wherever the Netflix series are supposed to take place.

Pwease, somebody, give Foggy all the bagels and ice cweams. He stays put like a good boy and actually makes it on time to date night. 🥺 

Poe Dameron x Reader Ship Meme

. . . You’re not wrong, but hey!

Though to be fair, I think if the two of you were hiking through an area he knew based on previous explorations or information contained potentially threatening or nuisance flora, he’d be a bit more vigilant. However, the less of it there is, the more excitable he becomes -- which can easily distract him into slipping up and finding whatever the SW equivalent of poison oak is.

Nevada Ramirez x Reader Ship Meme

You are literally that meme of Ralph Wiggum going, “I’m in danger! 😀”

Nevada is just cussing and being kinda arrogant for a manlet and being aggressive and also eating. Lots of eating.

. . . You never considered the potential there is between the metaphor of Nevada being a feral/aggressive dog, turned guard dog to the one soul that tolerated him but also wouldn’t tolerate his bullshit? Of Nevada being the abominable Tarasque, reincarnated into the form of a man thousands of miles away, devouring souls in an endless fit of hunger until the hand of St. Martha quells him? . . . That sounds so nice and pure, teach me your ways and please free me --

Nevada: is 5′9″ and thus far taller than I Me: Fuckin shortass angry king, prolly needs a telephone book on his throne seat --

Nevada is not in the preference I’m referring to, unfortunately, but currently, as it stands, Dewey is at least??

Look, all I’m saying is that Nevada Ramirez’s silver palate does not extend to his taste in television. He’s very impatient and even though I can imagine him being a man of taste when it comes to food, I can’t really see him enjoying shows that require too much thinking or inside knowledge. He might be into Game of Thrones because haha tiddies and sex an’ shit, but I feel like the novelty would wear off relatively fast and he’d hop off early on. Apparently a bullet was dodged. Nah, he does enough thinking in his day-to-day, he believes. It just feels nice to turn off your brain and watch dumb, rich assholes proceed to be stupid, or hot, young twenty-somethings act like it’s the end of the world because someone they’ve only known for three days in close proximity decided not to continue sharing a bed with them. “People are dying, Kim,” Nevada says. “Because of me. I’m dying them. Count your blessings and suck it up instead of crying that you don’t get to suck him off.”

Okay so you’ve just tickled a fun fact out of me. My dad is a teacher and for years, he’s often been surrounded by women teachers. He recently revealed to me that at one point, he had free bells at the same time certain networks would broadcast soap operas his coworkers at the time followed, so the arrangement made was that he’d watch the episodes they would miss, write down info, and relay the plot back to them so they’d be caught up. I think they actually paid him. And if you knew my dad, you would find this startling because he’s such an intimating, manly type of guy at first glance? But hey, I cannot disrespect the hustle. Anywho, I feel like before streaming got big, Nevada would pay cronies to watch episodes of his telenovelas for him if he couldn’t be there to watch them himself. I really doubt dealers and gangsters have punch clocks or anything, but I feel like Nevada had a system in place where he’d know not to call, like, Luis or Rico at such-a-such-o-clock because that’s when Tierra de Pasiones would be on.

Bruh, I was searching for examples of telenovelas and like...Telenovelas just do not last long at all 😂😂 Granted, you can probably say that about a lot of shows, but the amount of telenovelas I looked at that never made it beyond one season is just tragic, yo.

Steve Harrington x Reader Ship Meme

Steve is a bit of a butt monkey to the point I theorize it’s his survival tactic. I mean, why my boy gotta keep losin’? He’s such an adorable goof! An uncreative goof if left to his own devices, but he means no harm by it!

For making a date night happen in a place like Hawkins, I think he deserves extra credit. Of course, this could just be me saying this from the stance of a person spoiled by the options provided in the 21st century compared to the 80s, but . . . Give him extra credit anyway, he deserves it for just being cute.

#blarghhhh #writing this after a long shift so i'm all over the plaaacceee

[jackals-ships]

In Which We Explore Scenes Of The Emotions Of A Human Forced To Work With A Troll They Cannot Stand

contains: 2nd person pov, exploring pitch-pale emotions, they're stupid your honor, semi explicit injury towards the end of the fic, pre relationship+relationship set up

2282 whole words mostly written at 3am. no betta we die like men

Your name is Jackal Glass, you work for Her Imperious Condescension as a great many things: spy and assassin being first and foremost. You are in her words "one of the funniest lil humans [she's] met". It's often accompanied by a smile with too many teeth and a laugh bordering on cruel. (But that is simply how she is you have learned. She was born of the Deeps, of the cruel dark sea, she was not made to be soft and gentle.)

In other words: she likes you. She values what you can do for her empire and because of this she has elevated you to a status that very few humans, trolls or carapacians are capable of reaching. 

It is this status that has you gritting your teeth as you wonder for the hundredth time if it's worth it.

Because Her Imperious Condescension has given you a mission, not unusual in and of itself, but that mission is to accompany one Orphaner Dualscar, Captain of the ISS Calamity to crush a small insurrection before it can grow to catastrophic proportions. 

You know from the documents his hatchname is Cronus Ampora, he is the Empresses matesprit, and you now know he is a rat fucking bastard. 

Not even a minute into the conversation and he has somehow managed to insult you multiple times. Implying that you must be filling one of Her quadrants to have the position you do, outright stating that if it wasn't for Her orders he would throw you off the ship at the first given opportunity.

You are filled with the urge to pull him down by his stupid bejeweled fins and bite him. By the end of the conversation you are vibrating with a barely contained rage. Later Kurloz will laugh at you, tell you how "wicked mother fuckin funny it is that you've up an gotten your pitch on for the fish bastard" and it will leave you flushed from ear to collarbone. The hatred you feel is the most purely platonic, nothing more or less. 

(this is of course ignoring your daydreams about throwing him to the floor and kissing him senseless with a knife to his stomach, maybe that will shut him up for more than thirty seconds.) 

----

Your first week passes calmly enough. You stay out of the Orphaners way as well as you can, treat your job with the Utmost Respect you show everything you do, and begin to bond with some of the crew. They don't trust you, not yet, because you're human, because you're a part of the Church and that makes people uncomfortable. (you choose not to get into the hours long ramble of the church is more your moirails than yours. you don't find safety in it's cold embrace but you do find it in his.)

And you learn things about the Orphaner. Little things here and there, because no matter where you go people will always love to gossip. 

He's always tired, but he'll never admit to it. Not even when he's swaying on his feet and clutching at the rails til his knuckles then ashen. Doesn't have a moirail to speak of apparently. Only quadrant that's filled is his flushed and even that is tenuous at best and often tinged in shades of pitch. 

He's as old as Kurlz apparently. Been on the same ship for as long as anyone can remember and been through more crew members than you can count. (It must be lonely you think. There's not many other violets on board and purples often cluster to the Church. hell even ceruleans don't live as long as the others and...maybe that's why he's so tired all the time.)

He's got more scars and tattoos and piercings than he does clear flesh. That one you learn by observation. Sometimes he'll lean over the side of the ship, get a far away look on his face, and strip his outerwear before jumping overboard. Your heart stopped the first time before you reminded yourself he was born of the sea. 

(when if you kiss him will you taste it on him? will he taste like brine and blood?)

----

Your name is Jackal Glass and you have decided you will not be telling the Orphaner that. 

He calls you dog when he deigns to address you again, venom dripping so sharp from that single word you're surprised you haven't keeled over dead from it. The crew gives you side long glances, expecting it to bother you and send you into a shouting rage but. But you can't help it. 

You laugh at him. 

The look of shock on his face is enough to make you break down into further giggles, teeth bared up at him in a mockery of a grin as his fins press further against his face. That will do then Captain. Since you're apparently lacking the braincells to recall my name proper. 

You have never run so fast in your life, furious seadweller on your heels and still cackling up a storm.

(he will not catch you, you will jump onto the mast of the ship, swing yourself up like the ropes are the silks your Siblings use for practice. you will mock him, affectionately sharp, and inform him if he cannot catch a simple human perhaps he is getting far too old to be the captain.)

(you will both refuse to think on the fact he could have caught up to you in two strides and thrown you overboard.)

----

Orphaner Dualscar is an old troll, older than some stars and old enough that his skin has gone so dark oftentimes you lose him up against the night sky. But when he fights he moves like a troll a tenth his age. 

You've always enjoyed watching others. But your Siblings….well. There is an unfortunate truth to the Church and it's brutality you have to admit. Dualscar? He moves like a dancer. 

He fights with fancy flourishes that other trolls couldn't get away with. He fights like he's putting on a show. Look at me, look at me. Am I not powerful? Am I not worthy of adoration? I could destroy you with a flick of my wrist and I wouldn't even care. 

It is...enthralling. He sends his opponents sword flying before knocking them sharply down, his sword to their throat and a half feral grin on his face. (you do not think about how you want to be under him like that. you do not.)

You also, do not see the look on his face as he watches you flee with your tail between your legs. It is the look of a man who is beginning to realize certain emotions within himself. (he does not under any circumstances think about wanting you under him instead of them. and if he does it's because you're human and it is only natural as a violetblood that he is better than you and. and. fuck)

---

there is blood on your face and on your hands and half of it is yours and. that is. not ideal. things had been going swimmingly until now, heh, swimmingly. oh….. right. you're busy bleeding out aren't you?

the insurrection was easily crushed. it was naught more than a small group of lowbloods, half of them honestly couldn't have been more than ten sweeps old. later you will think on it with a grimace, pressing your palms into your eyes and think once again: is it worth it. should you flee into the wilderness.

but for now you are holding your stomach with one hand, holding yourself up against a wall with the other and gritting your teeth. you will not die today. not here, not now. 

you know you only have a few more moments before you succumb to the bloodloss and lose consciousness (you have seen your moirail perform inquisition more times than you can count, and you have seen even the strongest of your siblings drop in battle) so you push yourself forwards, saying a prayer to the Messiah's for good measure. ive payed my way in flesh and blood brothers mine. now let me get the fuck out of here back to my diamond.

Dualscar is the one who finds you. he rounds the corner and almost bowls you over in his haste. vwhere the fuck have you- DOG. he sounds...scared?

oh. what's up asshole. you give him the quickest of finger guns before slumping against him. he's always so cold but….this time you hardly feel it against you. that's..not good is it? 

but he's holding you with more care than he ever has, cradled against his chest like a newly hatched wriggler while everything goes fuzzy around the edges. it's...it's nice. in it's own way. 

the last thing you think about is the impulse to bite his dumb, stupid dumb bejeweled fins. 

---

When you wake again you feel as if you've just been run over by a truck. Which...all things considered you suppose that's better than not waking up at all. 

You are in a hospital room apparently, there are bandages covering your hands, a cast on your left wrist and even more bandages around your waist. There is also a very large, very old troll currently draped over your legs. He looks like shit. 

His hair is splayed out around him, face scrunched up like he's in the middle of a particularly vicious daymare and the bags under his eyes are far deeper than normal. He has several cuts on his face and neck that you're certain will only add to the mass of scars.

Right now too he's close enough you could just...his face relaxes as you lay your palm on his cheek. Fuck but seadwellers are cold. He's worse than the bloody ocean he spends most of his time in. It doesn't stop you however, from running your hand across his face, tracing the parallel scars that mar his cheeks and eye. (he won't tell anyone how he got that one. he freezes, looks around the room at everywhere but the person asking before telling em it's none of ya fuckin business don't ask me again vwriggler.)

(in this moment you don't know that he will tell you one day. face pressed against your collarbone as he whispers it like a confessional. you don't know that you will mark down a name in your mind with a newfound rage. for now you just know that you hate this man and you also don't want to stop touching his face.)

When he wakes it's slow, shoves his face further into your palm like an overgrown cat before yawning wide. It shows off the double row of fangs and you just. Hm. Well that is your finger on the Orphaner's golden canine and he's fixin you with just such the most bewildered look. Eventually of course you retract your hand and he sits up all proper like the Fine Captain he pretends to be. "So. Ya ain't dead."

"..not for lack of trying." It takes a moment for your mouth to remember how words work. "How long I been out?"

"Boat a vweek now. Medicullers. They vwerent sure... if ya vwould vwake up." His accent comes out stronger when he's stressed you've noticed. It makes you feel such emotions inside.

Your hands find his to give them a gentle pat, his rings are almost as cool against your skin as he is. (what do you feel like to him? does it hurt? you are hotter than even a rustblood you know. does it feel like he's holding a dying star in his hands when he touches you?) "Eh don't worry bout it Captain, we both know I'm too stupid to die."

His smile looks almost fond as he takes your hands proper, dwarfing them in his larger more scared up ones. "Aye that vwe both knoww ya are huh. At any rate, I'll be stayin here til ya fully get back on ya feet. Don't vwant you tryin tae sneak awway from your job." It is the weakest excuse you have ever heard but you nod nonetheless, sink back into your bed and allow him to tell you how things went with Her Imperiousness.

The sound of his voice lulls you to sleep, or maybe it's the heavy painkillers still in your system. Whatever the cause you are soon unconscious again and Captain Cronus Ampora hesitates for a long moment before pulling the blankets up around you and pressing a cool kiss to your forehead. 

He doesn't know what he's doing. He knows in his bones he will outlive you, he will outlive your whole species. But you make him feel things. Pitch and pale in equal measure. Fuck.

(it will still be a few sweeps before you get together proper. the crew will place bets on how long it'll take before you get your heads out of your asses and realize you're both swinging the most hate filled rivalry for each other so you just need to fucking kiss already. you will dance around the subject, throw barbs at each other, throw each other to the deck of the ship and swear curses that no one should repeat. you will leave each other bruised and battered but better. pushed mutually to be better.)

(but for now? For now he crawls into the bed next to you, curls up around you like he's not gonna let anyone lay a finger on what's rightfully his.)

(and you will curl up into him, press your face into the hollow of his neck and feel the most relaxed you've felt in a good long while.)

#jackals barks #ship: space pirates <3< #okay 2 rb #non homestucks what is ur winsdom an onions- /lh

[saddlepunk]

@iowasi I AM GLAD U ASKED

you wouldnt have heard of it bc its a story ive got in progress, and ive only mentioned it on my blog like... once, but its a historical romance novel!! basic premise is as follows:

There's this down on his luck human dude who goes by the name of Edwin Baker who catches wind of an opening as the valet for a merchant's son, so he goes to apply for the job. The one issue is that said merchant's son, a young man named Auguste du Chastain, is also a Fae, and Edwin has had like... no interactions with the fae ever in his whole life and is kinda terrified hes gonna get kidnapped or something. luckily for him Auguste is a dumb gay bastard who develops a crush on him pretty much immediately, which goes about as well as youd expect given that one of Edwin's duties as valet is "help Auguste get dressed bc he's got longass claws and cant work a button to save his life."

Luckily for Auguste, he manages to charm Edwin and they end up in a mutual pining thing. They'd totally just go for it, differences in station be damned, except... Auguste also has a fiance, a mid-level noble by the name of Vincent Coventry, who's kind of a control freak and just all around nasty dude. So the bulk of the story is Edwin and Auguste navigating their feelings for each other while also trying to get Auguste out of this marriage he really doesnt want to get into.

Other members of the cast include:

Davie, Auguste's little changeling kid. He is a feral bastard who likes to bite and roll in the mud and he'd think Edwin was the greatest thing since sliced bread except this takes place in the early 1800s and presliced bread wasnt a thing yet. Edwin is like, the only person who can wrangle him and Davie has some respect for that bc everyone else gave up after he bit them a few times

Anna and Justine, who tend to come as a unit. Theyre the maids, and theyre also married, and they want EVERYONE to know theyre married at all times. Anna is loud and boisterous and likes to tease both Edwin and Auguste about their very obvious crushes on each other. Justine is a little more tactful and reserved but she's also just as much of a menace when she sees a chance to get a dig on her friends.

Jules... is an asshole. He's the house steward and he's just kind of a snot about everything, but he's got Circumstances so he gets a slight pass.

Aaaaand Graham. He's the chef. theres not... a lot to say about him, he's just a regular guy. its fine. dont worry about it.

Ive got oodles of fae lore also, like how individual fae dont reproduce. instead theres a BUNCH of queens, one for each settlement who send out eggs for the fae to adopt. theres also the four High Queens, one for each seasonal court. they are Giant Women and also Bugs. I might end up typing up a whole official lore document on this world bc... i have a lot... but the story itself is the main thing its just like... mutual pining!! drama!! intrigue!! danger!! sometimes they just sit and drink tea but the important thing to know abt Edwin and Auguste is that theyre both kind of stupid and sometimes make bad choices because theyre lowkey horny and highkey in love.

I've got a completed first draft sitting at 56k words altogether, and now im pluggin away at a second draft that might end up longer bc im cleanin up the story and adding in extra bits to strengthen some of the later portions and i just... i love it so much every waking moment for the past week has been dedicated to thinkin abt it-

#wakko wails #gossco #thank u for letting me gush #this is the abridged version i could go on for ages

[northerngrail]

so folks have been ranking the htf characters and I 

cuddles- delightful bunny boy who deserves a fucking break and kisses 7/10

giggles- she gets SUCH a bad rep in fandom but i adore her! let her be flirty and silly!! 10/10

petunia- i fucking adore her so much she deserves a girlfriend 9/10

toothy- honestly nini made me enjoy him a lot more but im sorry baby youre still way low. 5/10

lumpy- i dont hate him but i want him to buy a clue 5/10

flaky- NONBINARY LEGEND i put all of my gender onto them 10/10

sniffles- baby boy...baby... he just wants to do science in peace.... 7/10 for the most disturbing eps

mime- i have.....no feelings on this man......he is a problem 4/10

nutty- some people draw him as an asshole and i love that. absolutely feral bastard. 8/10

lammy- baby? baby girl??? i love her. shes a delight. mondo more media 9/10

handy- lol i relate to him a depressing amount. absolute short king. 10/10

russell- i dont have the STRONGEST feelings on him but pirate boy good. 6/10 i love u

mole- god i love him. i love the thought that hes an asshole on purpose. i love him!!! 10/10

disco bear- somehow ive managed to fall in love w him despite him sucking massively. 7/10 get a job

pop- WORST FATHER WHO TRIES SO HARD!!! I LOVE YOU SIR BUT PLEASE, 7/10

cub- baby boy. baby. 10/10

shifty- sir you are the worst. i love you with literally all my heart but im going to throw you in the trash. 10/10

lifty- slightly more babey than his brother!!! still an asshole though. i love him. 10/10

cro-marmot- this man fucks. 5/10

flippy- LMAO... I LOVE HIM!!! HES MY FAVORITE....EDGY DEPRESSED OLD MAN!!! GO MAKE OUT WITH YOURSELF ABOUT IT. 1000/10

fliqpy- same w flip except even better bc hes clever and has sharp teeth. 100000/10 gonna marry him

sneaky- i love him wall eyed bastard. fucking thigh high boot wearing mfer. 10/10

mouse kaboom- WHYS MY MANS SO FUCKIN SMALL MONDO. HIS PAWSIES ARE ABSURD. 10/10

tiger general- dont look at me i love him. he sucks so much i love himmm. evil bastard 100/10

splendid- STUPID HIMBO SUPREME!!! HE'S SO DUMB. AND SUCH AN ASSHOLE SOMETIMES. I LOVE HIM WITH ALL MY HEART AND WOULD MARRY HIM. 10/10

splendont- RIOTOUS BASTARD WHOS JUST AS DUMB AS DID. BABY BOY. I LOVE HIM. 10/10

the rat- rat bastard. rat fink. he and mole were married fight me. 5/10

#long post #sorry to all my non htf folllowers- #im feral! #happy tree friends #no i dont hate a single character dont look at me #lmao

[fictionplumis]

themyrkness replied to your post “Listen.  I’ve discovered that I love Lambert with all my heart and I...”

Lamden! Aiden proves to be low maintenance. Just be prepared for him hunting monsters exclusively at night and how he tends to sleep on top of you. He is always perfectly clean and groomed despite hating baths.

Bless you. 

And while I absolutely agree that Aiden would mostly be low maintenance I just really love the idea of those Cat mutagens sometimes being Too Much, and most of the time it’s shit like being giddy and elated after a good fight and then emotionally dropping and being kind of withdrawn and despondent for a bit, but there are the rare times a nerve is sparked and one emotion spikes over the others in a way that’s too overwhelming to properly control. It’s something that Cats could use as an excuse to, oh I don’t know, slaughter an entire town that’s tried to jilt them out of coin? But Aiden is the good guy Lambert knows because he doesn’t use it as an excuse, he’s learned to manage it, to walk away from the Alderman no matter how bad he’s shaking with rage, to focus himself on being angry at something else, at anything, at the damn birds singing in the trees, at anything else until he’s far enough away from the town that he can take that energy out with a crossbow on the birds or go hunt down a bear or whatever. 

It’s easier with Lambert because Lambert understands being angry like that. Half the time he’s being an asshole is because he wants to provoke someone into a fight, wants some way to get that tense energy out of his system and there’s no better way than steel on steel, exertion of muscles, and the ache of it afterwards. Especially since he’s usually goading Geralt or Eskel during the winter, and they always kick his ass. 

So the first time Aiden whirls on him, shaking with anger over something that’s not Lambert but is currently going to be directed at Lambert, looking more feral and out of control than Lambert’s ever seen, and demands that they fight, Lambert gets it. 

He also understands why Geralt and Eskel always kick his ass when he’s like that, what with Aiden’s strikes lacking their usual thought and precision, just mindless, frustrated swings that hit hard enough to jar Lambert’s bones. Even then, Aiden isn’t out of control, per se. Maybe he catches Lambert off guard and manages to knock his sword away and there’s that brief moment of he’s gonna fucking kill me but Aiden tosses his sword away and takes to tackling Lambert to the ground and wrestling with him instead. It ends when Lambert tosses his head back and breaks Aiden’s nose, and he goes stumbling back to stare at Lambert with wide eyes, one hand trying to stem the flow of blood. Then tosses his head back and just laughs. Tired, wary, maybe even a little grateful as he mutters, “You broke my nose, you bastard.” 

“Am I supposed to fucking sorry about that?” 

“...No. Was a good hit.”

And when he tries to apologize later, to explain, Lambert grunts and waves it off because he gets it. So the one other time he sees it happen, Aiden doesn’t even have to pull himself away because Lambert is already grabbing him by the hair and yanking to get his attention. 

The one Lambert has a harder time dealing with is stuff like happiness and gratitude, when those things spike to an almost unbearable level for Aiden-- And usually those are directed at Lambert, caused by Lambert, which just makes it harder for him to deal with. Like maybe when Lambert goes through the effort of convincing Vesemir to make an except for one Cat. 

They always part at winter, meet up again in the spring, and Aiden does well for himself during the cold months, he knows how to survive, and he knows his history, what happened between the schools. The fact Lambert trusts him to watch his back is kind of a big deal. So he’s never asked about going to Kaer Morhen, already knows it’s not happening, because Lambert is loyal first and foremost to the Wolves, no matter how much he grumbles about them, no matter how angry they make him. That’s just how Lambert is. And bringing a Cat to their sanctuary, showing him the way there, it’s too big of a risk. Not that Lambert doesn’t trust him, but it would be a sort of betrayal to the others. 

But see, Lambert starts thinking eventually about Big Gestures. Because he kind of sucks at this whole hey I think I love you? thing. So he starts thinking about how other people show that without telling, but getting Aiden flowers feels very stupid, pointless, and underwhelming. Like what the hell would Aiden do with flowers anyway? They’d look nice in hair. For like a day, until they wilted. Dumb.

Maybe jewelry or something? Not an awful idea. He decides to keep an eye out and see if anything strikes his fancy.

But then he ends up overhearing a lovestruck maiden talking to her friends about how the blacksmith’s son the next town over wants her to come have dinner with his family and for some reason the story makes Lambert’s heart twist bitterly and he spends the rest of the night fuming to himself over the shit he thinks he can’t have. 

Until he removes his head from his ass and realizes he still can. 

So he goes through all this effort of heading to Kaer Morhen early, telling Aiden that he has some personal things to do elsewhere, might take him awhile, but he’ll absolutely meet up with Aiden in Novigrad around the middle of fall. And he goes to talk to Vesemir, and the conversation is, uh. Not great. Hardly ever is between them, but Vesemir eventually concedes enough that he’ll allow it, if and only if he goes to track down Geralt and Eskel first and they decide they’re alright with it. 

Those conversations also don’t go great but it’s not nearly as bad because for all their differences and annoyances, they all would die for each other, and Lambert may be a miserable prick who likes to pick fights, but they both know he would never do anything that would risk the safety of their pack. So they reluctantly allow it. 

And Lambert makes sure to make it clear to Aiden on their way up that it is very much a reluctant thing. They don’t trust him, it’s not gonna be a warm welcome, they probably won’t even be pleasant, expect some standoffish wolves and lots of distrust. But I mean, Aiden’s a Cat, so. When does he not deal with that from other witchers, even his own? 

It doesn’t fully hit him until he sees the keep, though. And then it’s like a sledgehammer to his chest, just how much Lambert trusts him. How big of a deal this is. For both of them, because there’s no way it was easy for Lambert to just invite someone home that might have been a potential risk of any kind. And it shows how much the other wolves must trust Lambert. Cats don’t trust each other, they don’t have that bond between members, it’s each one for themselves out there and hell, most of the time the biggest threat a Cat has is their school deciding to take them out for one reason or another if they think one has been doing something that might make them all look worse. Sacrifice the one for the all. And here he is, being invited to sit with them, these people who would do anything for each other, he’s being given a chance all because of Lambert. 

There’s not enough coin on the damn Continent to make him betray that. 

And for awhile the only thing he can do is clutch himself to Lambert, shaking like a leaf, so overwhelmed with gratitude and relief and love that he can only repeat Lambert’s name like a prayer and try to remember how to breathe. Poor Lambert is just awkwardly patting him on the back, hugging him and holding all like, “Uh, yeah. Yup. I know. It’s a lot. I’ve gotcha. You just... Take your time.” Because he doesn’t really get this side of things. Doesn’t know how to handle someone loving him so much, or him making someone this happy. When Aiden finally calms down enough to move he’s still shaking as he grabs Lambert’s face and kisses him, laughing damn near hysterically against his lips and he just can’t stop. 

Which is fine, in Lambert’s opinion, because he kind of loves this fucking maniac Cat, whether he fully understands Aiden or not. 

And of course Aiden’s a good guy and the others see it. By the end of winter they’re sparring together and swapping stories and everything’s great, but then the pass starts melting and Aiden starts getting a little withdrawn. It’s one of the other witchers that can’t sleep who sees him up one night, curled by the hearth in the main hall, wrapped in furs and staring blankly at the fire. 

Now Aiden’s been nothing but pleasant and easy to be around, so even though Lambert’s told all of them he’s a Cat, I won’t deny that, he’s batshit fucking insane, but he’s a good man, I mean he’s absolutely crazy but he’s the best person I’ve ever met-- They haven’t quite gotten a taste of that yet. 

Not until this one sits down to see what’s up with Aiden and Aiden spends a second staring into the fire before muttering, “I don’t want to leave,” in a quiet, wistful voice. And then, even quieter, “I think... If I could control the snow and keep that pass blocked off for the rest of my days, keep you all trapped here with me like this, I wouldn’t hesitate to do it.” 

And the other Wolf is just like okaaaaay well anyway, so long as you don’t go out there and tell every Cat how to get to Kaer Morhen, you’re free to come back with Lambert next year. 

They walk off shaking their head, deciding that as nice as Aiden seems to be, they’re just gonna let Lambert handle that one and not ask too many questions.

#themyrkness #lamden #the witcher #lambert witcher #aiden witcher #i wasnt planning on writing anything this long #but once i started i couldnt stop #i really just want to explore what the different mutagens result in #and how aiden works to be GOOD #i mean if canon calls all cats psychopaths #you cant have all of them being shit people #and then have the one thats not shit #just not be a psychopath #i want to see aiden fly off the handle #but still be portrayed as a good person #a good person with problems #that they learn how to deal with #and is loved by someone who might not understand #but who fucking tries #also aiden curling up laps and hating baths #is such a good trope #let aiden be pet #and purr #basically aiden is just a feral cat that saw lambert and decided to domesticate himself

[scottybrock]

Five Fingas To The Face - Colby Brock

A/N: Requested by a beautiful anon: “can you do a platonic Sam and Colby imagine where you beat the crap out of brennen Taylor because he was being rude to people in your friend group (it can be anyone), and en Colby, because he’s closer to Brennan, gets mad at you, and sam’s by his side, but may or may not be stifling a smile? Thanks”

How did you get into this position in the first place?

The short answer is, you don’t know when to keep your mouth shut. The long answer? Well… 

“Yo,” Your worst nightmare called as he entered the apartment that you shared with Colby. You scowled at your roommate and best friend. “Did you invite that shitstain of humanity?” You asked, your face set into an annoyed expression. Colby frowned at you. “Hey,” He sounded semi-offended. “Brennen is one of my best friends and-” You rolled your eyes, stalking out of the room. You’d heard the lecture before, and you weren’t in the mood to hear it again. 

“Hey,” Brennen tried as you stalked past him, into the kitchen. You ignored him, rummaging through the fridge. Brennen raised an eyebrow at you. “Maybe you should lay off the food,” His voice was snide. “You’re looking a little thick these days, and not in the good way.” For a moment, you genuinely thought that you might punch him in the face. It’s not like he didn’t deserve it- he was a horrible person, and his company always sucked major ass. But he was one of Colby’s friends, no matter how much neither you nor Sam liked it. 

You slammed the fridge closed harder than you needed to, then turned to Brennen. He raised an eyebrow at you, smirking. “Shut the fuck up,” You snapped, baring your teeth at him slightly as you spoke. Colby wandered into the room. “Leave Brennen alone,” He commanded. You glared at him, astonished. “But Brennen said-” Colby simply turned away from you, ignoring you. You scowled, then stormed to your room.

“The trash bag is in the building, repeat,” You hissed into your phone. “The trash bag is in the fucking building.” Sam hummed in response, then sighed. “Want me and Kat to come over? Jake and Tara, too?” You practically screamed in excitement, nearly delirious with happiness over the fact that you didn’t have to deal with Brennen by yourself. You heard Sam laugh in response. “I’ll take that as a yes,” He teased. You laughed along with him. “Come here as soon as possible,” You begged. 

“Has he been that bad, already?” Sam asked, his voice incredulous. You groaned. “He already called me fat.” Was your simple reply. There was dead silence on the other line. Finally, Sam spoke. “I’ll fucking kill him.” You immediately made a noise of protest. “No! I get first dibs!” You pouted. You heard Sam laugh once more. “We’ll be there in five,” He told you, then hung up. 

You trudged back out into the living room. Colby beamed at you. Brennen’s smile looked more like a leer. You rolled your eyes, then flopped onto the couch beside Colby. “Sam, Kat, Jake, and Tara are going to come over in about,” You glanced at your phone. “Four minutes.” Colby nodded, his expression bright. Brennen’s expression darkened at the mention of Sam. 

A knock on the door sounded, and you cheerily called for them to come in. A blur of blue hair sprinted across the room, and then you had an armful of Katrina. She beamed at you, giving you a quick squeeze. Tara trailed behind her, then joined in on the hug. Sam and Jake offered you warm smiles, and you grinned back at them, relieved that they were here so you didn’t have to deal with Brennen on your own.

Sam and Jake offered Brennen a polite smile and waves. Brennen looked like he had to shit- his smile was strained and more fake than Kraft American Singles. Colby shifted, looking rather uncomfortable. He got up to greet his two best friends. Brennen’s expression darkened. 

A few hours later, the group was scattered around the living room. Snacks were being eaten, drinks were being sipped on, and it was a pretty pleasant time- until Brennen opened his big fucking mouth. “Remember when Colby pretended to have Kat cheat on Sam with him?” He asked, either ignoring or missing the sudden tenseness in the room.

You fought the urge to smack Brennen across the face. Colby looked unenthused at the memory that was brought up. You remembered that night so clearly; the night where Sam and Colby’s friendship was put to the ultimate test. What Colby didn’t film, was Sam calling you and crying into the phone about the percieved betrayal.

Brennen winked at Kat, who stiffened, her friendly smile disappearing. “It’s okay,” Brennen’s voice was slimy. “I’d cheat on Sam with Colby, too.” He glanced over at Sam, who was frowning, his shoulders slumping. Your glare could’ve melted metal, and your hands were clenched into fists. 

“If I were you,” You began, your voice low and dangerous. “I would shut the fuck up. Right now.” Brennen merely scoffed at you, rolling his eyes. “It was a joke,” He replied, shrugging. Your mouth twisted into a snarl, and your eyes darkened with rage. “No,” You hissed. “Your life is a fucking joke.” 

Colby opened his mouth to try and resolve things, but Brennen cut him off. “And you’re fat!” Brennen snapped. Sam and Jake leapt up, angry words forming on their lips. You shook your head, signaling for them to sit down. “At least I’m not a fucking rapist!” You shouted back at him. “What, you can’t get girls on your own, so you have to fucking rape them?” 

A pin drop could be heard in the deathly silent room. Brennen stood up, walking so that he was directly in front of you. He lifted a hand and slapped you across the face. This time, Colby leapt up from his seat. You ignored the hands reaching out for you, instead, flinging yourself onto Brennen, your fists beating against him as hard as you could. “You stupid mother fucker!” You shrieked as you punched Brennen as hard as you could. You landed a great, solid punch to his nose. You felt it crumble beneath your fist, and your grin was feral. Your knuckles ached, but you didn’t stop; dumb bitch needed to learn his lesson. 

Brennen wailed from underneath you, trying to cover his face. It took all three of the boys to pull you off of the trash bag human beneath you. Much to your delight, Brennen’s face was bloody, and his nose looked crooked and broken. You cackled gleefully. There was a bruise forming on your face, in the shape of a tiny hand. From a person with an even tinier penis. 

You shook your hand out, then turned to your friends. Colby looked both amused and horrified- he looked like he wasn’t sure which one he should be. Katrina was openly smirking, one hand clasped by Sam, who was biting back a smile. Tara was beaming, bouncing on her toes. Jake just shrugged, a hint of a smile on his face when he met your eyes. 

Brennen was staring at you, blood dripping down his face. “I’m sending you the bill when I get my nose fixed,” He snapped, his voice sounding distorted due to his broken nose. You simply flipped him off. “Sit and spin, bitch.” You replied, your middle finger bent at an odd angle. Brennen huffed loudly, then looked at Colby, who was still frozen in place. Brennen scowled, then gathered his things and left. 

Sam launched himself at you, hugging you fiercely. “If that asshole sends you the bill for real, give it to me,” Sam murmured in your ear. Even though Brennen had it coming for a long, long time, you’d broken your hand defending Sam and Kat, and their relationship. You grinned, then winced, shaking out your hand. 

You turned to your group of friends, grinning sheepishly. “Can someone take me to the hospital? I think I broke my hand on that ugly little rat bastard’s face.” 

#cole robert brock #colby brock #sam and colby #colby brock fanfiction #colby brock fanfic #colby brock x reader #sam golbach #tara yummy #jake webber #katrina stuart #fuck brennen taylor #xplr #traphouse

[mcdanhoe]

hawaii five-0 college au:

- danny is a pre-law student who wants to go into criminal law and when you first meet him you think he’s intimidating af but he’s actually a walnut who knows Every Single vine ever and annoyingly does all of those stupid tik tok trendy dances but he makes tea whenever he sees his friends are pulling all-nighters because he’s up every night studying anyway. and he’s infamous on campus for making insanely good weed brownies and wears over-sized sweatshirts when he studies even though people tease him for how small they make him look. 

- steve mostly keeps to himself but has a close friendship with junior, who he met in a statistics class. he binge watches parks and recreation and unironically drinks seven cups of coffee a day but would eat seven burgers if he had the money. he doesn’t realize how much attention he attracts at first, but people quickly realize that he’s quiet and rather reserved, and will fluster and fumble if you try to flirt with him, and it doesn't End Well.

- steve meets danny during junior sophomore year in a boring class they’re both required to take but he doesn’t actually become friends with him until there’s a big frat party and steve loses junior for a hot minute and he’s super worried because junior is drunk and then twenty minutes later he finds junior on a couch and danny is taking care of him and giving him water and in the end, danny insists on going with steve to make sure that junior gets home okay and they strike a conversation and end up talking about everything and nothing on the steps of junior’s dorm building. danny makes fun of steve for being quiet and serious but steve secretly enjoys it, even when danny teases him for being a marine biology major.

- the two of them become friends, texting each other when they’re not together (danny sends steve vines because he is Seriously Uneducated) and steve tolerates danny being a feral idiot who is way too loud for public spaces and danny loves making steve blush and it’s rather beautiful how quickly they fall for each other but they both think the other doesn’t feel the same way, of course.

- kono, who is danny’s friend from high school, lives with chin off campus. she studies chemistry and physics (double major, because shes awesome) and chin studies criminal justice with a minor in classics and they’re danny’s best friends but they get along with steve right away.

- junior introduces tani to the group and tani and kono hit it off, and then they have this whole squad.

- late night study sessions, lunches at iHop (its the only place within walking distance of steve’s dorm and they’re all lazy around exams, Sue Them), kono and junior and steve work-out together at the school gym, the whole group forcing themselves to listen to chin’s excited rants about some gay greek shit, danny’s baking skills are used extensively particularly for cannibas-related reasons.

- in the summer danny and steve both stay on campus for summer classes and they’re now dorming together and steve is watching danny mix cookie dough and sing coldplay songs ironically and he just marches up to him and kisses him because he is so in love with this smol blond asshole who turned his college years into something that he’ll never forget.

- it turns out that literally their whole squad of friends had a bet pool on who would make the first move between danny and steve and junior and kono win because they know steve is actually a Chaotic Bastard when he wants to be.

- kono/tani and danny/steve double dates but theyre all broke college students so they go to a diner and get the lunch specials but then they get bored without the rest of the group and they text in the group chat, and the rest of the squad storms the diner and take over. every time. every date. it’s kinda sad, really.

- steve graduates a year before danny but is doing grad school and working with a professor on-campus a few times a week so he rents an apartment and danny doesn’t even officially move in, he just dumps his clothes at steve’s place and neither of them talk about it. 

- chin meets malia in his required art history class and he immediately asks her on a date and they become an aesthetic couple on instagram, to no one’s surprise because they’re beautiful together. danny makes fun of them, mostly because he can’t take a selfie for shit. he runs a meme account instead. steve makes a finsta that danny doesn’t know about and follows the meme account even though danny think he’s sly about it. steve cries from laughter at the captions for each post, which is usually subjected around steve being a “dumb, hot idiot.” danny figures out it’s him a year later.

- tani and kono move in together literally before danny and steve get together because they’re gay, Brenda. they already have adopted a dog and even sent out a Christmas card together, with the dog, because once again, they’re lesbians, Harold.

- junior flies solo all of college and eventually ends up rooming with chin, focusing on his math major and he’s the One Friend in the group who always is juggling three jobs and an internship and still has hobbies and friends. 

- kono and tani get married literally straight out of college. no explanation needed.

- steve cries when danny gets into columbia law school, and he also cries when chin passes the police exam thing. they get married when danny graduates law school. he brings eddie home and danny refuses to talk to him for two days. he still likes it when danny makes fun of him for being a marine biologist.

#GUYS I WAS BORED DONT JUDGE #ALSO SOMEONE WRITE A CUTE COLLEGE AU #h50 #hawaii 5-0 #hawaii five 0 #hawaii five-0 #hawaii 5 0 #danny williams #steve mcgarrett #kono kalakaua #tani rey #chin ho kelly #junior reigns #h50 headcanons #h50 au #h50 college au

[d3adguyy]

ok so this headcanon/au list is weeks of me randomly writing down stuff. (i may make a list of some more uh... nsfw headcanons later on, but idk)

also, some of these aus are very dumb and unrealistic, but whatever, so

there is no beetlebabes shipping in this at all. don’t even try. the only shipping is charles/delia (do they have an official ship name?) and adam/barbara/beetlejuice, which is beetlelands and/or goldenrat!

(some of these are very unrealistic/basically just me projecting but this is my list and i’ll Do What I Want)

also, fuck formatting, i’m too lazy

- au where higher powered demons/ghouls have wings. naturally, beetlejuice has them and he is a fucking disaster. he knocks shit over, gets them caught on everything, and will knock people over. (somehow, they’re the only thing that’s actually clean)

- au in which the netherworld had a more lasting effect on lydia, and causes her to have sort of “fainting” spells (there’s a whole long and convoluted explanation but i’m too lazy to type it out.) since this is obviously bad for multiple reasons, beej turns into a “service” dog to help her at school (the fact that he knows lydia is being bullied may have influenced his decision)

- lydia and beetlejuice share one, very very damaged brain cell between them. they’re both smart in their own ways, but the second they try and solve something together? nothing. they usually end up almost going through with a stupid scheme until someone stops them last minute

- they may not have a dog, but (big) sandy the sandworm is just as happy to play fetch

- they also have a “girls” night once a week, in which they watch crappy horror movies, paint their nails, talk shit about people, and beetlejuice gushes complains about the maitlands

- bj can actually speak quite a few languages (he’s been around quite a long time, after all) however, he chooses to hide this fact until a time where he can a) freak someone out or b) show off

- bj follows lydia to school occasionally and will either make snide comments about the other students, or tell lydia what they’re doing on their phones (lydia sometimes hears things she wishes she had never known)

- lydia and beetlejuice stay “married”, but only in a convinient way (financial aid and tax benefits ftw, beetlebabes fuck off)

- beetlejuice plays the ukulele (as shown in the musical) and you can sometimes hear him playing on the roof (if he sees anyone listening he’ll immediately stop and go pink and disappear)

- bj and lydia go to pride every year, and Fuck Shit Up in a (mostly) legal way. once the maitlands figure out how to leave the house, they accompany them and let loose and join them in their chaos. delia eventually starts coming as well. charles stays home to preserve his sanity.

- beetlejuice figures out the maitlands can leave the house so long as they have a piece of it with them, and so makes them bracelets with wood from the house. they’re both extremely happy and grateful.

- beetlejuice and miss argentina are pals, and hung out together when beej used to spend all of his time in the underworld (he still pops by to visit her occasionally, and even helped her with the backlash/work after juno died)

- au where it’s now book of mormon, and lydia and bj are paired up for a mission. chaos ensues. (don’t ask me how this one would work, because i honestly don’t know.)

- lydia has a sleepover at her house with school friends. one of them brings a ouija board. beej and the maitlands decided to have time fun with it, and lydia tries not to crack up watching them.

- delia and beetlejuice are friends (bc they lowkey have a decent amnt in common ngl) and delia will occasionally join in on beej & lyds’ schemes

- delia treats beej like a son due to him acting like lydia’s crazy and feral (yet very loving and overprotective) older brother. charles doesn’t get it, but it makes her happy so he goes along with it.

- just like beej and lyds have “girls night”, delia, barbara, and beetlejuice have something similar where they drink wine, gossip about the neighborhood moms, and watch shitty reality tv and yell at the screen. charles tried to interrupt once and got a bottle of wine thrown at him (courtesy of delia)

- beetlejuice and lydia are Trans As Fuck (lydia’s lesbian and beej is pan) the maitlands are both bi, delia is pan and charles is Straight.

- souleater au where lydia is the meister and bj is her weapon

- beetlejuice has a love of all things circus. (he’s surprisingly good at trapeze, and not-so-surprisingly good at fire eating and breathing)

- beej has a big fat crush on the maitlands, but him being the emotionally stunted demon he is, has absolutely no idea how to express this

- the maitlands suspect that bj is crushing on them, but they aren’t completely sure (they still think he’s adorable, though)

- beej loves cuddling. that’s it, that’s the headcanon. he is a very touchy person (and not just in a perverted way.) he and lydia can be seen cuddling in bed binging horror movies, and bj is known to get comfy on the couch that is definitely not big enough for both him and the maitlands. (also, beej loves being the little spoon.)

- lydia and delia share a very niche interest in astrology, and it’s probably one of the only things they have in common. (delia still loves lydia and lydia loves her too, even if she would never admit it)

- au where lydia dies in some accident, and beetlejuice pulls a bunch of strings to make her a demon. he now has to train her to use her newly gained powers. (to make her a demon, they had to be related, so he adopts her as his younger sister)

- to mash together the au above and the wing au from the top of the list, one day lydia starts growing wings and beetlejuice couldn’t be prouder.

- the maitlands have really dumb (but cute) nicknames for beetlejuice (gummyworm, teddy bear, marshmallow, etc. they occasionally call him lawrence, which makes him melt.) lydia has borderline insulting nicknames for bj (trash man, hobo, stinky bastard, etc.) and charles and delia just call him random variations of his name (mr. juice, beetleman, mr. beetle, etc. they will use his full name if he does something too chaotic, and it’s then he knows to run)

(i just lost a bunch of headcanons and aus because tumblr unexpectedly closed :( i’m gonna try my best to re-write them all. i’m also grouping all the aus together before i re-write the headcanons, so get ready lol)

- pjo au!

• lydia is a daughter of persephone, and starts attending camp at age 12 (persephone doesn’t actually have a kid with charles, she just lends her magic to lydia’s mom in order for them to have a kid, as she actively was a worshipper of persephone, and that ends up making lydia a half blood.)

• beetlejuice was a son of hectate, but died after performing wayyyy too many rituals to increase his magic, and it eventually got too much to control and the strain killed him. he keeps his powers when he dies though. (he got banished from the underworld and was tied to a living soul for as long as they lived - it was lydia, so now they Fuck Shit Up together. hades regrets his choice of punishment.)

• barbara is a daughter of harmonia

• adam is a son of hephaestus

• delia is a legacy of eros

barbara and adam are instructors at camp halfblood (barbara teaching pottery and adam teaching woodworking)

they take lydia under their wing when they notice she doesn’t really have friends, and so they eventually meet beetlejuice (he has a Big Crush on them but refuses to do anything about it. for now.)

- hunger games au time! (at this point i’m just doing aus of all of the old young adult series i used to read)

• beetlejuice and lydia were the tributes chosen from district 12 (with beetlejuice volunteering to protect lydia during the games)

• their mentor is juno, who is an asshole and is utterly useless, as she doesn’t think they have any chance

• the maitlands are a couple that live in the capitol, even if they really don’t agree with the morals and lifestyle. they are huge sponsors for bj and lyds during the games.

• beej and lyds are the last ones standing, and after all the trouble that beetlejuice has made the capitol go through during the games, they decide it isn’t worth it to try and kill them, so they both win.

• the maitlands secretly take in both of them after the games

• charles flips houses and delia is an artist, they know about the maitlands and help keep the secret

- time for the divergent au nobody asked for!

• lydia was born erudite and transferred dauntless (she could’ve stayed erudite as well)

• beetlejuice was born dauntless and stayed (he did have an aptitude for amity, but he’ll take that to the grave)

• barbara was born erudite and transferred amity

• adam was born abnegation and transferred amity

• charles was born erudite and stayed

• delia was born amity and transferred erudite (she had aptitude for candor as well)

beej is lydia’s trainer when she joins dauntless, and they become inserperable during and after training. (lydia graduates top of her class - she would’ve despite beetlejuice, but it didn’t hurt to have him)

(taking some liberties here and making it so that factions can interact with each other outside of school and mandatory events, however intermarriage and dating between factions is a no no)

the maitlands find beetlejuice doing Stupid Shit in the woods near amity. this happens a few times, with bj and lyds running away each time, until they finally catch them and they all meet.

the maitlands take lyds under their wing, but don’t know what to think about beetlejuice (they secretly adore him, but won’t be telling him that anytime soon. bj has a Humongous Crush on them, and tells them. eventually. they end up dating despite the illegality of it)

the deetzes end up finding out about the dating, and keep it secret, even though hey aren’t particularly fond of beej. yet.

- and now time for a warrior cats au. time to bring up those repressed memories :)

(ok so again, more liberties, cats can choose to join another clan when they become apprentices, and the clans interact a lot more outside of meetings and battles. also the only one i have a warrior name for is beetlejuice, because his would literally just be Beetlejuice)

• beetlejuice was born a loner and eventually joined shadow clan as an apprentice

• lydia was born thunder clan and transferred to shadow clan, and was chosen to be a medicine cat

• barbara would be river clan and stay there

• adam would be thunder clan and transfer to river clan to be with barbs

• charles and delia were both born and stayed in thunder clan

beej is lyd’s mentor for non-medicine cat stuff (as shadow clan teaches their med cats to fight, and i feel like they would get all of the same training normal apprentices did, such as hunting)

lyds and the maitlands get along and hang out a lot, and beetlejuice just kinda trails along. yet again he has a crush on them. however, he minimizes his time with them so that they don’t find reasons to dislike him (in his eyes)

- ok so we’ve done one cat au, time for a much more niche one! this one is based on the book claws, by mike and rachel grinti. (it’s a middle school level book for sure, but i picked it up sometime in elementary school and i still love it now that i’m older)

• beej as jack (although he still has magic, his magic is just super chaotic and hard to control) lyds as emma, and they go on a quest for how lydia’s mom died (something to do with the faries)

• beetlejuice only agrees to do the quest because he wants a friend, which was really the whole reason behind giving lydia the heart.

• the maitlands are part of the pride that lyds takes over. they were wary of her at first, but backed her up when she needed it. they warmed up to her quickly after that, and they take her under their wing to show her the ropes of how prides work

beej continues to hang out with lydia, but isn’t really accepted by the pride for the most part, with the maitlands being the closest to being his friends. this eventually changes, and they grow closer over time.

- small httyd au: lydia is a viking, her dad is a high ranking official, her mom killed in a dragon raid, delia still does art ig.

• the maitlands are dragons, and lydia befriends them. she later befriends another dragon, beetlejuice. she eventually teaches the villiage dragons are good and all that jazz.

- ok back to headcanons now: adam rescued injured wildlife when he was alive, and that hasn’t stopped now that he’s dead. a section of the roof is dedicated to little habitats/enclosures for injured animals, so that they can rest up and heal

- although she isn’t so good at rescuing animals like adam is, barbara still loves animals. (beetlejuice will turn into different animals so that he has an excuse to cuddle her)

- bj secretly enjoys how vanilla/naive the maitlands can be, and thinks it’s really cute

- beetlejuice is actually pretty good at cooking, and will make dinner for him and the maitlands on date night. (he also cooks comfort food for people when they’re upset)

- bj is an internet troll. that’s it that’s the headcanon.

- beetlejuice wasn’t born or anything, juno just kinda made him by accident, and that’s why she hates him so much. so, one day beetlejuice just came into existence, a full 5ft 8inches of pure chaos.

this headcanon is a bit odd for me, because it changes depending on the story/plot i’m thinking about, so i’m now reintroducing the trans headcanons so i can explain how it would work.

he presented as female for a while before saying “fuck that” and coming out. he would’ve done it sooner, but seeing as he just started existing one day, it took a bit for him to realize that not wanting to be the gender he was born as just Wasn’t Normal. idk if the netherworld has hrt, but im basing my version of it more off the cartoon, in which people have like houses and lives, i’m assuming it exists, so he got hrt surgery n shit

on the other side, when this headcanon doesn’t apply, he was about 16 when he came out, his parents said Fuck That because he was growing up pretty far in the past (idk exact time period, but trans people were a big No No) and he ended up offing himself. he ends up altering his appearance or going through hrt/surgery in the netherworld.

- in a human au, because i just thought of thi, he’d come out at age 16 still, and juno, shitty parent she is, kicks him out. the deetzes take him in, with lydia being about 14ish, and the maitlands are their tenants who become the second set of parents. (lydia is trans in human au)

- continuing the trans hc, lydia and her parents suspected when she was about 9ish, and so after having it confirmed by multiple doctors and specialists, was put on blockers until she could start hrt at 16. it’s a very happy day when she turns 16 and beetlejuice definitely doesn’t cry

- beetlejuice has a phobia of water and that’s one reason why he doesn’t shower (the maitlands eventually help him deal with it enough to be able to shower/bathe occasionally, because he still does like his trashy look)

- bj does drag. lydia and delia help him with makeup and clothing.

- beej also worked as a male stripper for a time at dante’s inferno in the netherworld. he’s amazing at pole dancing, and he can walk like a pro in heels.

- also, because heels autocorrected to heelys st first, beej owns heelys and will zoom around the house in them. lydia eventually buys a pair for herself and they Go Crazy

i think that’ll end off this list for now, as it’s gotten pretty long. there’s a good chance i’ll make another one in the future, but for now, thats all folks!

[vagrantblvrd]

Creature Feature 1/1

Summary: Michael hisses when he gets grabbed and slammed up against the wall of a building.

Notes: Not the thing I planned to write today, and yet here we are. Because reasons.

(Read on AO3)

Michael hisses when he gets grabbed and slammed up against the wall of a building. Just yanked right out of his bat out of hell running for his life thing he’s doing by an inconsiderate bastard with inhuman strength and thrown up against a rough brick wall, head hitting it with jarring force and a smug vampire asshole smirking at him once the starts clear from his eyes.

“Son of a bitch,” he mutters, grip on the stake in his hand shifting when he sees the fuckers who were chasing him skid to a stop when they realize what happened.

He watches them look at one another in confusion, young, newly turned and so out of the loop it’s kind of sad. A few days old at this point if he had to guess, match up against the news reports of missing people and bodies showing up.

Dangerous as fuck, what with the hunger for blood gnawing at their bellies and close to feral with it. More instinct at this point than anything else, but still thinking, reasoning beings. (Unless they choose not to be, which is what people like Michael are for.)

Whoever sired them already dead or the kind of fucker who just doesn’t care, left them to fend for themselves without even a basic How To Vampire tutorial which is a dick move in and of itself, okay. Makes things harder on people like Michael who have to clean up their messes because -

A rough shake drags Michael's attention back to the real threat here.

Asshole who snagged him pelting past like it was nothing. Tall, broad-shouldered and that fucking smirk.

Pain in Michael’s ass from day one, thinks he’s – as Lindsay would say – all that and a bag of chips and   infuriating as fuck.

Old, too.

Like.

Just unbelievably, incredibly old. Super fucking old. So old -

The vampire scowls like he knows what Michael’s thinking and lifts Michael until his toes are barely touching the ground like he thinks that’s just so scary.

Michael gives him a smirk of his own, raises his hand to show off the stake he’s still holding.

Not exactly a stalemate, because vampire strength and speed and everything else against pitiful human abilities, but like hell is he going to let the bastard think he’s intimidated.

“Hey!”

It’s one of the baby vampires, voice rough with the effects of being turned. All that screaming they do when it’s ugly the way it must have been with this batch.

Kids, all of them. College students in town to have a good time and running into trouble that got them dead...and then undead, and it’s a fucking mess to be honest. Happens way too often for anyone’s good no matter how hard Michael works to put a stop to it.

“He’s ours, get your own!”

Baby vampire number two, hiding behind his buddies and trying to act tough because they outnumber the vampire that’s got Michael in his grip, sure, but goddamn are they dumb.

The vampire holding him growls, this deep rumbling thing and Michael knows what’s coming. Braces himself for it when the asshole flings him aside like he weighs nothing and moves towards the trio of baby vampires.

It’s a graceless affair on Michael’s part, goes sprawling, heart picking up as he hears the snarling and swearing and dying going on behind him as the older vampire tears into the baby ones.

Too dangerous to be left to their own devices and unwilling to listen to reason, which always sucks, no pun intended.

Hurts a little to see even though Michael’s not supposed to care about that part. (Nowhere in the job description for being what he is.)

By the time he picks himself up it’s all but over. Older, experienced vampire facing down the leader of the baby vampires, other two unmoving on the ground.

The baby vampire looks down at his buddies, and then his gaze slides past the older vampire and locks onto Michael.

Stupid squishy human, and Michael has a moment to think oh, Goddammit, because this always fucking happens doesn’t it? And then the baby vampire flashes forward (fucking vampires and their fucking speed) intent on taking Michael down with him because sure, why the fuck not -

And gets a rude awakening when the older vampire pulls the same trick with him he did with Michael.

Not so much a trick as that experience thing again, old enough to make the most of the reflexes he’s been granted and all that.

Only this time, the asshole isn’t as gentle about it.

No.

Grabs the stupid fucker and shoves him, right into the stake Michael’s holding out like he knew it would be there.

Michael grunts as the impact pushes him back a few steps and meets the baby vampire’s eyes.

The poor bastard looks shocked at this turn of events, like he didn’t think it would go like this for him. All that newfound strength, speed, and it didn’t do him a damn bit of good in the end.

Vampires don’t poof the way they do in the movies, television shows. All the books people have written about them over the years.

Don’t crumble into dust blown away by a convenient gust of wind or gentle breeze all nice and neat and aesthetically pleasing or some bullshit.

They just die.

Ugly and messy and real.

Michael lets go of the stake, lets gravity do the work as the dead vampire falls to the ground.

Looks up at the sound of footsteps and gives ground when the older vampire advances on him. Pushes him up against the building again, less force to it this time.

“Hey,” Michael says as the vampire gets in his face to glare at him. “Fancy meeting you here.”

The vampire thumps him against the wall, a warning, and Michael snorts.

“Okay, so, are we fighting or are we flirting? Because I’m getting mixed signals here,” he says, hand coming up to rest against the asshole’s chest.

No heartbeat, just the steady thrum of whatever the hell keeps vampires going. Magic or something else, no one really knows anymore.

Blood they drink circulating through their bodies and somethingsomethingsomething Unknowable Bullshit to explain what they do know.

The vampire’s eyes narrow.

“My fangs are literally inches from your throat right now.”

Yeah.

Yeah they are.

By all rights Michael should hb reaching for his backup stake, and Jesus, how ridiculous does that sound in his head? Should be going for it, drive it through the asshole’s chest right into his heart, but that would just be all kinds of rude and ill-mannered of him.

Also?

It would fuck up his dating life, or whatever the hell he should call it. (Aside from a blatant conflict of interests, but it’s not like there are rules forbidding something like this, so. Fuck off.)

“That doesn’t answer my question,” Michael says, and this time he laughs when the poor bastard sighs.

Tired.

Long-suffering.

Expression on his face like he has no damn clue why he puts up with such an exasperating annoyance of a pest, and yet?

“Thanks for the save, but I had everything under control,” Michael says, and wriggles until the vampire lets him go.

It’s not ego that has Michael saying that, just. Years of experience dealing with vampires and other things that go bump in the night. Being on his home turf, so to speak and knowing the area better than the poor bastards who made the mistake of thinking he looked like an easy target.

Wanting them away from any idiot who might get caught up in things, make a more tempting target, hostage, and complicate matters.

“You always say that,” the vampire accuses, eyes flicking to that nasty little scar on Michael's neck, souvenir from when he first started out and had no damn clue what he was getting himself into.

That’s...not untrue.

Just.

“Shut up,” Michael says, because it’s not like the asshole doesn’t pull the same bullshit on him.

There’s another little stare-down, and then the vampire sighs. Again. Like dealing with Michael is an ordeal when it’s the exact opposite. He’s a fucking delight, okay.

Michael watches the vampire as he pinches the bridge of his nose, mutters to himself about idiot humans and one idiot vampire hunter in particular. Bane of his existence and so goddamned dumb it’s just. Real fucking sad.

Rolls his eyes as the asshole just keeps going on and on about it and dusts himself off. Checks to make sure his gear is all in order and runs a hand through his hair. Always a jumbled mess but with the earlier chase and being tossed around it’s in an even worse state.

Glances down at himself to make sure he’s more or less presentable and goes over to the idiot grumbling to himself.

Clears his throat to catch his attention and smiles when the asshole looks up at him.

Annoyed expression because he’s worked himself up, hasn’t he. Forced to acknowledge the major mistake he’s made in getting involved with a disaster of a human being like Michael and everything that goes along with that.

“Hey,” he says, because third time’s the charm? “Got any plans for the rest of the night?”

There’s a moment where Michael thinks he’ll pick up his rambling rant about Michael and his stupidity again, but then he just.

Sighs.

Shakes his head because he knows Michael’s stubborn as hell, and just real dumb too when it comes down to it.

Not about to change his ways even if it would be better for him in the long run. Cut down on medical costs at the very least.

“Well,” he says, glancing at his watch. “I doubt the restaurant held our reservation.”

Michael winces, because yes. Okay. That one’s definitely on him.

“Sorry about that,” he says. “Something came up.”

Michael on his way to meet up for their date and strange noises he heard down a dark alley. And yes, he knows that’s how horror movies start. Michael just has this whole thing going in his life where he does the exact opposite of what any sane person does in that situation.

And then vampires. Sometimes werewolves. Other times -

Well.

There are a lot of things that go bump in the night and Michael’s one of the people around who deals with them when they crop up.

So.

“Yeah, I figured as much.”

Michael grins up at the asshole because he’s gone all soft and fond on him. Dopey little smile on his face that hits Michael the same way it always does because Ryan, Jesus, he’s a soft touch.

Plays at being this dark and menacing figure like out of all the worst movies you can find out there. Melodramatic bastards still stuck in their emo goth phase like you wouldn’t believe, but really?

Big old dork.

“I heard the theater down on Lincoln’s playing a Star Trek movie marathon,” he offers, and starts walking in that direction knowing Ryan will follow.

Better to leave the alley and the dead vampires behind before anyone sees them there, connects the dots and lands them in the kind of trouble they don’t need more of.

Ryan tips his head to the side, this dumb game he plays where he wants Michael to convince him. Toss in an incentive to give in to his inner nerd like it’d take much at this point.

Michael eyes him. Tries to figure out what it’ll take this time.

Food-related, because Ryan.

Still loves to eat even though it doesn’t sustain him the way blood does, but he’s got a definite weakness for it. Favorites. Things he loves in the most ridiculous ways.

“And, I’ll even spring for concessions.” Leans in with a little eyebrow waggle as he lowers his voice “All the diet soda you can drink.”

Ryan laughs, quiet little chuckle, and slides a look at Michael.

Old fucker, seen a lot of things in his time and for whatever reason sees something in Michael, which. Time to get his eyes checked, but whatever.

Not Michael's call if he’s going to make a mistake like that, you know? (Enjoy it while he can and try not to think to hard on it in the meantime.)

Not his problem if Ryan’s got a thing for this scruffy little punk tossed into the deep end of things after moving out here, running into trouble and still neck deep in it. (No pun intended.)

Loud-mouthed and obnoxious about it, bound to get himself killed doing what he does one of these days, and no one’s fault but his own.

“Fine,” Ryan says, like it’s such a hardship to watch old Star Trek movies and guzzle down his beloved diet soda. An ordeal to do it with Michael right next to him heckling the hell out of the dumb movies they love so much. “If we must.”

Oh, how terrible it will be. The two of them in the dark watching quasi-terrible movies and enjoying themselves.

The horror.

Ryan huffs, because he knows Michael pretty well by now. Knows he’s making fun of him in his head, and shoots him this little scowl like he thinks that will make him stop.

Which.

No.

“Impossible,” Ryan mutters, shoving his hands into the pockets of his coat and sulking, the big baby. “Absolutely impossible.”

Michael will give him that one, sure, but Ryan’s the one who keeps coming back for more, what the hell does that make him?

==========================

Double Feature

#myan #ragehappy #vampire au #vagrant fic #also #i feel like i'm a month behind with all the ~supernatural creature stuff i've written lately? #so there's that too #¯\_(ツ)_/¯ #dorkface vampire au #i guess??? #Things That Go Bump in the Night

[cinnaminsvga]

So sometime last year I sent an ask about what the characters in your social media aus would think of their other counterparts (so tlhc!namjoon/igwt!namjoon/loh!namjoon and so on). You've made two more sm!aus since then so I thought it would be interesting to ask again? You can focus on just tddp and 300 mdh or you can do all of your aus, or you can do a few, up to you! :)

THIS IS LITERALLY SO LATE I’M SO SORRY I KEEP FORGETTING TO ANSWER THIS LMAO BUT GOD DAMN HERE I AM!! ANSWERING IT!!

okay so i do remember you asking me about that!! it was really fun to answer bc it made me think about what sort of interesting character dynamics they all have with one another… this is gonna get long so my full answer will be under the cut ;w;

seokjin

oh god… where do i even begin with this shithead… ngl, seokjin has been fairly sane in my past two aus. while he’s still a shithead, i’d say that i’ve toned him down somewhat. tddup!jin probs get along with the best with tlhc!jin and 300mdh!jin because theyve all got that chaotic energy to them. i love those jins especially bc i love making him stupidly funny one second, and then flip his personality into something more serious. i’d say 300mdh!jin is a bit more serious though, what with him being a spy and all, so i think he’d also get along with igwt!jin. and ofc, everyone hates looh!jin bc he’s evil >:)

yoongi

oh damn where do i even begin… we all know and love tddup!yoongi aka hades… king of the underworld and a cavernous asshole… he’s the most chaotic yoongi i’ve ever written, and i sincerely don’t regret it. he’d probs not get along with any of the other yoongis bc they’re all so… yoongi. i can foresee 300mdh!yoongi trying to murder tddup!yoongi out of spite. and 300mdh!yoongi… he’s got problems, and most of them stem from his not-so-secret crush on seokjin… looh!yoongi would definitely relate to him on that one (though not bc of looh!seokjin… lord knows they’ve tried that and it’s just too Messy). 

hoseok

tddup!hoseok is just tddup!seokjin 2.0 tbh… i just?? love making them dumb and dumber?? best dynamic tbh… pairs the best with igwt!hoseok for sure… igwt!hoseok and 300mdh!hoseok would be like water and oil, however… igwt!hoseok is a really good guy despite his weird personality and he takes his job seriously (most of the time) so ofc he wouldn’t like people who… kidnap other people… looh!hoseok, who isn’t evil but isn’t good, would just be heavily creeped out by both tddup/300mdh!hoseok. oh, and 300mdh!hoseok would definitely feel bad for tlhc!hoseok… poor dude knows what its like to lose someone :-(

namjoon

well, tddup!namjoon is just a turtle now so all namjoons from all my aus love him. 300mdh!namjoon……….. well, we know how he’s like. probs would get along with all the namjoons except looh!namjoon bc hes a fucking crazy bastard… 300mdh!namjoon would probs hack his laptop and delete looh!joon’s vmin porn stash out of spite. he’d have good conversations with tlhc!namjoon tho. damn… lowkey wanna read that

jimin

tddup!jimin. is a lot. he’d get along with 300mdh!jimin for sure, but he’d get along with igwt!jimin the most. those bitches… love their chloroform… also they’re both wayyy too powerful so they’d bond over knowing the future of their stupid friends and laugh about it. 300mdh!jimin is just there for a laugh… so he’s probs good with tlhc!jimin. looh!jimin…. we don’t talk about him here. all the other jimins would kill him, poor kid… lmao

taehyung

tddup!taehyung loves 300mdh!taehyung. like, not bc their personalities are similar, but because tddup!tae probs thinks 300mdh!tae is like his lil pet or smth. a feral, drywall-eating pet. theres just something… animalistic about 300mdh!tae… unhinged… would get along with igwt!tae in that regard… they both love to eat egg with the shell… something about calcium… 

jungkook

since all my jungkook characters are weebs, ofc those two idiots from 300mdh and tddup would be friends… best friends, in fact… they’d bond over their hatsune miku figurines and trade h*nt** recommendations with one another… 300mdh!kook introduces tddup!kook to anime stan twt and they both get flamed in like 3 minutes flat bc tddup!kook made the bold claim that kny was the best anime of the decade… some things are just meant to be kept to yourself… oh and they both have tumblr accounts but they get shadowbanned by staff themselves bc they tried bringing back p*** to this hellsite

oc

oh god… oh jeez… tddup!oc would KILL 300mdh!oc… god… imagine the absolute bloodbath… not even zeus could stop tddup!oc from decking 300mdh!oc’s stupid face… 300mdh!oc reminds tddup!oc too much of zeus and it pains her to see her living her life… being a nuisance to society… she’d kill igwt!oc too. her only friends would be tlhc!oc… looh!oc is a lil sketchy and shes got atrocious vibes… she’s walking on thin ice but if she makes the wrong move, 300mdh!oc is going in for the kill…

#ahhh that was fun #god i love my stupid children... they try their best #runningtospringday #answered #best