#stupid orc

[marlynnofmany]

Decoy

Zhee stopped abruptly on the raised pathway, making one of many bug-alien hisses. This one was quiet and annoyed. The annoyed part didn’t narrow things down much for me, since he found many things irritating and wasn’t shy about telling the world about it (whichever world we were on at the time), but the quietness seemed significant.

I was glad I hadn’t bumped into him, and not just because he had the package we were supposed to deliver strapped to his back. (I’d volunteered to hold the thing, but he insisted that I keep my hands free since I only had two feet and was that much more likely to fall into the swamp. I’d wanted to argue that, but didn’t).

“What’s wrong?” I asked in an undertone.

“Them,” Zhee hissed, peering around a tower of sprouting plants and decaying wood that had once been a massive tree. The path curved off in that direction, blocked from view.

I crept forward for a look. Voices murmured. Then something splashed, and people were complaining loudly.

There on the path ahead of us were three Mesmers, all varying shades of gem-bedecked green to Zhee’s purple, waving their pincher arms about in irritation while a Frillian stood to one side with a fancy hovercart full of supplies and a long-suffering expression. The water rippled next to a half-submerged log. I wondered if one of them had thrown something or if a local creature had jumped in. Two of the Mesmers were holding bits of tech that I didn’t recognize from a distance.

Zhee was still hissing. “Why are they here, of all places? Blocking my way instead of getting on each other’s nerves literally anywhere else?”

“Who are they?” I asked. They hadn’t spotted us yet, busy as they were with complaining more than Zhee ever did.

“Rich idiots from my hatching year,” he grumbled. “They are not going to make this interaction pleasant.”

I looked around the swamp, with all its murky water and sparse trees. “We can’t really go around, can we?” The walkway was the only sign of civilization. While it was plenty wide for people to pass each other, even with hovercarts, it was the only one in eyesight. There weren’t even stepping stones.

“No,” Zhee said. “Wading through the water wouldn’t do us any good; we’d still be in sight.”

“I’m not even sure it’s shallow enough to wade through,” I said, eyeballing the water. It had all manner of algae and alien moss floating in it.

“It is,” Zhee told me. “I’ve delivered here before. But they’ll see us either way.”

“What are they even doing?” I asked. It seemed too much to hope that they’d just leave if we waited a few minutes.

Zhee jabbed a pincher into the soft bark of the stump. “Nature photography. Looking for rare specimens with their expensive cameras. Probably on the trail of a Shrieking Tatterwing or Hooting Fungus.”

“There’s a fungus that hoots?”

Zhee angled his antennae into a frown at me. “It’s an animal. Just looks like fungus.”

“Got it.”

Neither of us moved for a moment, just watching the trio of spangly birdwatchers and their assistant who probably wasn’t paid enough to deal with them. They really did argue a lot. As far as I could tell, the three of them were having two different debates at once: whose fault it was that the water creature had fled, and whether the glimpse of a wingbeat in the distance was worth leaving the path to investigate.

That gave me an idea. “Hey, are they likely to go off after a sound they haven’t heard before? Or something they can’t quite place?”

Zhee gave me a look. “Are you thinking of imitating an animal call from your planet?”

“Yeah. Either verbally or—” I leaned over the water to pluck something like a blade of grass from a spray of plantlife. “I can make a pretty sharp bird call with this.”

Zhee’s alien face regarded me, tilting slightly. “How?”

“Like this.” I stretched it taut between my thumbs, in the way I’d learned to do as an outdoorsy kid. There was just enough of a gap between my knuckles. With all my fingers spread wide, I blew through the gap, and it made a piercing shriek that could have been a bird.

The Mesmers looked around; Zhee and I shrank back out of sight. I adjusted the grass and tried again, this time getting a warbly call that sounded like a duck with a stuffy nose.

When I held my silence, I heard a heated debate over what kind of creature had made the sounds, and whether they came from the same one or two different beasts. But the argument wrapped up quickly with the reminded that they really were here to find a Hooting Fungus.

“Knew it,” Zhee said.

“This is worth a shot, then.” I let the grass flutter to the pathway and laced my fingers together into another childhood favorite. With my hands cupped around nothing and as airtight as I could make them, I again blew into the gap between my thumbs, this time just the top half. The air circled through into a satisfying hoot.

They got very excited at that.

“I told you! I caught a glimpse over there!”

“It sounded like it came from more over this way; it must have moved!”

“Hurry, before it moves farther out!”

Two splashes, then a third, and I was grinning in delighted surprise at Zhee. The quiet burble of a hover engine reached my ears as the Frillian took the sensible route off-road after them.

After a few moments, we peeked around the stump. There they went, off into the murk, complaining and shushing each other and aiming their cameras upward. Soon enough they were out of sight behind more trees.

Zhee stepped forward. “Well,” he said. “That was shockingly successful.”

“You’re welcome,” I said happily.

We strolled along the empty pathway, with plenty of time to get our delivery there in time.

Zhee said, “You should make those noises on the ship when no one’s watching. See if they think an animal got in.”

I looked at him in amusement. “You’re only saying that because you already know what it is.”

“Yes,” he said haughtily, which made me laugh.

“I’ll consider it,” I said, already thinking about what other animal calls I could bring out when my alien crewmates least expected.

~~~

The ongoing backstory adventures of the main character from this book. More to come! And I am currently drafting a sequel!

#my writing #The Token Human #these are definitely Stupid Human Tricks that I have gotten a lot of mileage out of #nothing like a little autobiographical inspiration #in many ways this character is the me that 5-year-old me planned to grow up into #having a grand time #haso #hfy #eiad #humans are weird #humans are space orcs #mimicry

[meteors-lotr]

Azog: Ah, Oakenshield. Remember me? Thorin: Are you questioning my memory or your relevance?

#Don't get me wrong I love the hobbit movies to bits #But I always forget about the stupid orc subplot #It's like Azog gurl nobody cares about you #Move on #incorrect quotes #incorrect lotr quotes #incorrect the hobbit quotes #lotr #lord of the rings #the hobbit #thorin oakenshield #azog the defiler

[nightmare-creatures-art]

#drawfee #drawtectives #gyorik rogdul #imagine being sooo handsom but also kinda stupid #every once in a while I get the urge to draw a handsome orc

[chicotfp]

Dedicated to amazing @mithrilandvilya .

Thank you so much for your generous donations. Thank you for caring. Thank you being here. Thank you for being such an amazing person. ❤❤❤

#thranduil #the hobbit #lotr #lord of the rings #tolkien #the elvenking #some stupid orc cut a strand of his hair #thranduil is not amused #edits/photomanipulations

[tinkizzig]

The problem with humans is they are too good at what they do and too humble to take credit.

Captain’s log: earth date november 22nd in the current year: 

This is the one hundred and eighteenth day we have had a human engineer on board. Our first few weeks got off to a rocky start, with the human shutting down all power to the ship, and its computers leaving us temporarily stranded for 18 hours, as we re-established our power grid and mainframe. The human has gained a greater understanding about the technology all along the way, and has always been able to make the necessary repairs whenever needed ever since. 

Around day 38, the human found a way to shorten the coils and rearrange the circuits of a scanner by changing its function from an electro-wave impulse reader to an electro-wave impulse launcher. The damage to the hull of the ship was significant enough we had to seal it from the inside with our spot welders, while the oxygen needed to do this kind of work was leaking out of the ship. Without the humans quick thinking the repairs would have taken too long and the crew surely would have perished. The human had stuck his dirty laundry in the cracks of the hull which slowed the leaking by 20%. The rest of the crew reported that he looked like he was just trying to cover up his mistake with the laundry but regardless it helped all the same. 

Day 87 was the puzzle box lock out, which sort of explains itself. The human, being fascinated by the Erc’taal puzzle boxes we found in the market on Rec’taeel IV, built puzzle box-like switches to cover our security control panels. It didn’t take too long to solve, but our window of opportunity at the time had closed and a formal reprimand was issued. 

All of this brings us to today. The human, without any direction from the executive commanders or myself, solved the intricate problem of our warp drive sequencing. He had inverted our circuits and rearranged the coils to the sequencing drive, the warp engine, and the security control panel. He added some pulsar sequence boosters (the electro wave launcher) to each part of the sequence and even had to clean out some of his dirty laundry which somehow ended up among his spare parts and around his work area. The ship's command and I counseled extensively before deciding to let him test his project. If the project didn’t work we would spend the time reversing what he did and repair the components using it as a way to teach the human.

The commencement of the test was a surprising success, and along with the exponential increase in our warp capabilities, there was a very satisfying series of clicks and hisses that accompanied the sequence when activated. We contacted the admirals and high command about the discovery and they wanted to give the human credit for his work, the advancement of our technology, and reimagining of our whole exploration mission. He declined the award and offer for position advancement. All he wanted was to stay on the ship so he could hear the sequencing clicks and hisses every time it goes to warp. Humans are weird. 

#humans are space australians #humans are space orcs #humans are amazing #humans are stupid

[machinefetishist]

no 1 fan of the kekht arakh mirror selfie saga

#i love u n ur stupid red phone case. if u even care #kekht arakh #pale swordsman #crying orc #dsbm

[joficeandwind]

"Humans are Space Orcs is an awesome Idea!!!" "Humans are Space Orcs is a lame idea!!!" But have you considered humans being space humans? Have you ever thought that two separate species would be so different that they will always lack the sufficient communication skills to describe themselves in a way other species will ever understand? Do you think a picture of an average human would evoke fear? Love? Hate? Misery? Ecstasy? Or is it foolish to assume they would feel emotions like we do, or even experience them at all? Do you think they've tried sending messages to us across space? That regard believers of extraterrestrial life as conspiracy theorists?

Have you considered the bitterness that humans and aliens will likely never meet or even understand each other, but the sweetness in the possibility that maybe, just maybe, they too share the desire to understand the unknowable, the mysterious, the completely alien, and that might just make us more special than any of our human customs and history ever could, without them even realizing that is the same aspect that makes us want to find them too? Have you ever thought about that?

#j rambles #this is probably gibberish #or stupid #very likely stupid #but oh well #humanity #alien #aliens #extraterrestrial #humans are space orcs #ponderings

[hagofbolding]

Fairmeadow update! Be cool... BE COOL

Read ahead

#I love that stupid pose #goma: high STR #low DEX #fairmeadow update #fairmeadow #goma #orc #webcomic #comics #webtoon #hiveworks #ttrpg

[recoveringchurchgirl]

TIWHTP #1:

So in Shrek, all the fairy tail creatures get sent to the swamp, and then when Shrek goes to get his swamp back he’s told that his swamp is on the land of the kingdom so it’s not really his. Does this mean that Lord Farquaad sent the fairy tail creature to the ogre’s swamp on purpose so that they would all be killed?

#shrek #comedy #stupid #humans are space orcs #earth is space australia #shrek is life #shrek the musical

[eyeofnewtblog]

Things that happen at work:

So, my coworkers know that am good at sewing and do clothing repairs or alterations as a side hustle.

One of my coworkers is a semi retired professional bodybuilder. He was a driver, but now he’s the night dispatcher, and he’s…kinda crazy. Not in a bad way, but just…very Right Wing Alpha Male Energy, while at the same time being very self aware of his personal flaws, CONSTANTLY happily stoned, accepting of other people’s opinions and views as long as you aren’t trying to change his mind, just bringing interesting talking points to the table…the analogy I suggested that he liked the best is that he’s like fancy licorice, a very strong distinct flavor, very few people like it, definitely an acquired taste, and probably an expensive mistake if you’ve never had licorice before.

That all being said, he’s still a semi retired bodybuilder and obsessed with having ALL of his pants fit his ankles as if he were wearing sweatpants. And his “nice” shirts being fitted to his current torso size rather than his previous size. I only charge $10 a garment if it’s just a basic alteration or repair, so about once a month he gives me two or thre things to take in or add elastic to.

But remember how he’s now a dispatcher, not necessarily everyone’s cup of tea, on top of being constantly stoned and knowing that I can sew? Anyway.

Me: *coming into the driver room so that I can punch out with the fingerprint scanner thing, having casual good bye conversations, while the day dispatch guy is leaving and Crazy Bro is taking over*

Crazy Bro: Hey, I have a very serious question for you. What if…I wanted to have my face just…sewn directly onto my ass?

Me, after a very surprised pause: I mean, it’s definitely doable. It’d have to be hand stitching and I’d have to get the right kind of thread to make it permanent, but I’ve already got my grandmother’s saddle repair kit, plus all my curved needles, so like. It’s definitely doable. Do you want to be dead while I do this, or are you thinking straight up centipede style? There’s broken bones either way, just. How exactly do you want to do this?

Crazy Bro: Honestly, I just wanted to see how you would respond. I’m impressed that you took it as seriously as you did. I was honestly thinking you would get grossed out and storm off.

Me: Bitch, please. I know you well enough to know to feed your hunger for knowledge before I feed your basic thot thirst for a ReAcTiOn. How else am I going to feed my own intrinsic need to be liked by everyone? (Yes I used air quotes to enunciate my verbal response, no I’m not ashamed of myself)

Crazy Bro: This is why I like you. You’re soft, and good at hiding, but secretly you’re as cold on the inside as I am.

Me, in all seriousness: I’m good at empathy and conflict avoidance tactics. I’m not hiding anything, I just know that you will respect me more if I respond with facts and a plan instead of freaking out.

#humans are space orcs #always come up with a plan #no good plan survives contact with the enemy #regardless of how stupid the plan is you should still always be able to point out how you would exploit it #plan to back up your first plan #plan back ups to the backup

[marlynnofmany]

Irrational Attachment

I directed the delivery guy to put the last high-tech crate next to the others in our very full cargo bay, and I breathed a quiet sigh of relief. This was a big order. I noted the final count with a good old-fashioned Earth pencil.

The delivery guy, a fellow human much beefier than I was, smirked at the pencil and clipboard. “Really living in the space age, there,” he said. “Don’t you guys have tablets and scanners?”

“Oh sure,” I replied. “But one has a cracked screen and the other's got a faulty battery. You know how it is.”

His response was eclipsed by the arrival of the sparkly purple conglomeration of limbs that was my coworker Zhee. I was used to bug aliens by now, but I was amused to see the brawny human edge back a step.

Zhee didn’t notice. “What is ‘pack bonding’?” he demanded, clicking to a stop and looking at the two of us expectantly. “They were telling jokes that made little sense.” He waved a pincher arm over his shoulder. “Then it occurred to me that I have a pair of qualified humans here I can ask. Why do people joke about humans caring too much?”

The delivery guy straightened up, all bluster. “Oh, it’s a bunch of radiator wash, really. Lots of species are social. Really, we wouldn’t all have space ships out here if everybody couldn’t cooperate!”

“Well, sure,” I said. “But there’s a difference between cooperating and getting attached. Didn’t you have a teddy bear as a kid?”

“Yeah, as a kid,” he scoffed. “We’re talking about grownups here.”

“Grownups do it too,” I told him, barreling on as he started to object. “We give names and personalities to ships and cars and space probes. We put googly eyes on machinery, and keep pet rocks. We build people out of snow, lending them our own clothes, and we’re sad when they melt away. We have ancient history of granting a bear military rank, and recent history of doing the same to a cleaning droid. We care about things.”

He was still shaking his head and looking stubborn, so I pulled the pencil from my pocket. I held it in front of his face with an intense stare.

“I can tell you that this pencil’s name is Steven,” I said. “Then I can do this—” I snapped it in half. “—And I can watch a little bit of you die inside.”

His expression was that of a person shaken to his core. “What the f— Why would you do that??”

I looked down at the broken pencil. “You can’t tell me humans don’t care.”

Zhee clicked a pincher. “But it’s just a pencil.”

“It was,” I said. “Now it’s Steven.” I pulled a roll of tape from a different pocket. “And now I have to nurse him back to health and apologize.”

~~~

The ongoing backstory of the main character in this book. No pencils were (permanently) harmed in the creation of today's story. 

#my writing #the Token Human #humans are weird #pack bonding #when everything is friend-shaped #apologies to Steven the pencil #I got that bit from a gifset of a show I don't watch #it was Memorable #I've been wanting to use it in something ever since #and it's a perfect example of claiming an inanimate object as Part Of The Pack #haso #hfy #humans are space orcs #aliens #eiad #also I'm aware that the proper word for mantis arms is 'pincer' not pincher #but I maintain that it's a stupid word #and the narrating character agrees with me #they're pinchers #they pinch #and the etymology says it's the same root word anyways #so nyah #take that spellcheck #rant over

[rottengurlz]

she makes me want to write poetry about her

#what if collapsed to the floor huh #everyone say hi to niya 😡🫵🏼 #this is dura’s gf which makes me want to remake dura in my current style #miss my stupid giant orc 😔 #mysims #simblr #the sims 4 #sims 4 screenshots #ts4 #sims 4 cas #ts4 cas #sims 4 edit

[heathercauthor]

Incorrect Book Quote

Lloyd: You're telling me you were a Merc for hire, commited murder and other crimes, been tortured, drowned, and beaten

Feng: yes

Lloyd: and you're afraid of our five foot tall rebel alien healer?

Feng: *holding his broken arm* yes please don't tell her I did it again

#book tumblr #scifibooks #earth sucks #ya fiction #humans are space orcs #apocalypse #alien invasion #alien x human #indie books #humans and aliens #unlikely allies #humans are stupid #humans are space raccoons

[benk625-blog]

Non Gratus Anus Rodentum

“What’s the deal with that one?” Yazz asked Snork. The former had learned a great deal from the latter about humans. Yazz no longer assumed that smaller race was harmless. His new favorite pastime was peppering his drinking buddy with questions about the galaxy’s most frightening species.

“Which one?” Snork asked. There was a table full of humans.

“The short Sheila, she can’t be more than 1.5 meters. I bet she doesn’t weigh more than 40 kilos, her combat kit has to outweigh her.”

“I’d tell ya mate, but you wouldn’t believe me. You’d better get it straight from the klop-klop’s chompers.” Snork placed his hands on either side of his mouth to amplify his yell. “Oi!, Sheila! This gezzer wants to buy you a pint of bitter and hear your story.”The woman left the table of humans and strutted over.

“I got lots of stories, Tall Green & Tusky. What do you want to know?’

“I’m Snork and this curious pile of maggots is Yazz. I bet you’ve got loads of tales. Hows about you tell him what the ink on yer arm means?”

“My call sign is Templeton. I’m guessing you lot haven’t seen subterranean combat?”

“Can’t say that I have.” Yazz admitted. Snork shook his head as well.

“Some insurgents literally go underground to protect themselves from bombing campaigns. They construct elaborate tunnel systems with power, ventilation and even makeshift hospitals. My job is to infiltrate and destroy these operations.”

“You don’t get, whaddayacallit, closet-fibula?” Yazz asked

“Claustrophobia, yeah-no, I’m not afraid of small spaces. Give me a tunnel or a space ship any day. It’s open spaces I don’t like. Standing on a planet surface and looking at the horizon gives me the wobblies and freaks me out.  I can’t tolerate bright light either that’s why I’m wearing these.” She taps the pair of thick black goggles that cover her eyes.

“How do you manage all your gear in those close quarters? I’ve never seen a Terry without 50 kilos of tech on their body and another hundred in their locker box.”

“Not us combat engineers. I have a flashlight, sidearm, multi-tool and a vest of explosive charges. For a long mission I might have couple of pouches with water and protein solution. It’s mostly a get in, get out kind of job.”

“Doesn’t that leave you vulnerable to attack?”

“It sure does. Enemy combatants aren’t the biggest risk, though. The tunnels are too tight for anything other than one on one. We try to avoid direct engagement. The idea is to move quietly as possible and listen for any sounds that might indicate danger. My biggest threat are booby-traps.”

“How do they ensnare your breasts?”

“How do they wha-“ Templeton laughed “No, no booby-trap is Terran slang for anti-personnel tactics. Things like: trip-wires to cause tunnel collapse, spike pits, hidden venomous animals, flood chambers and limb traps. Limb traps are the worst.” Templeton rested her foot on the edge of the table and lifted her pant leg. He lower calf was dotted with puckered scars on all sides.

“What they do is angle the spikes downward so that your foot can fall in, but trying to pull it out causes more damage. I had to spend three hours with my multi-tool sawing through each one praying the enemy couldn’t hear the noise. By the time I hobbled back to camp the wound was severely infected from animal venom and excrement. I almost lost the leg.

“I don’t know whether to call you the bravest, toughest or craziest human I have met.” Yazz mused.

“Just call me tunnel rat, it means all three.”

#humans are space orcs #humans are space australians #humans are silly #humans are aliens #humans are confusing #humans are stupid

[everchased]

considering how many of my friends are talking about being shot down by npcs i really think playing a romantically nervous paladin who politely waits for people he's crushing on to come on to him was the way to go

#bg3 ; #statement ; #it is sooooo funny getting the party's approval up WITHOUT MAKING ANY MOVES #and watching 3 people at once look at finch like 😳👀😏😜💋 #you want this half orc knight so bad it makes you look stupid #well so do i #anyway god i need to draw him

[artorojo]

"Humans are stupid. I'm ashamed to be human."

- Kurt Cobain

#repost #kurt cobain #nirvana #smells like teen spirit #come as you are #kurt cobain quotes #grunge #seattle sound #sad quotes #sad memes #sad facts #human are stupid #human are weird #human are space orcs