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hauntedhokage · 5 months

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one last time

Nanami Kento/Fem!Reader

summary: you had been true to your word, your next mission had been your last. now he's following your lead.

just not in the way either of you had intended for this plan to come to fruition.

word count: 1.2k

warnings: established relationship, discussion of family planning, this is angst but not really but really, character death :(, season 2/shibuya arc spoilers,

Planning for the future was difficult and rarely done as a jujutsu sorcerer. Mainly because you never knew what challenge the next day would bring, this was why he tried his best to avoid talks of the future. He knew too many people who had planned their future yet didn’t get to see the day it came to fruition, or who had their entire plan derailed by the way their career shifted that the future they once hoped for was so out of reach it wasn’t worth trying for. He didn’t want to be like those people, didn’t want to let the one person he loved most down by not being able to deliver on a plan, so he tried not to look too far ahead. A couple months, a vague retirement goal, nothing too extravagant or detailed.

But then the plan was made, a plan that would come with specific details and milestones and events to look forward to. A plan that would change his life. A plan that he was immediately dead set on seeing to fruition because you’d asked for it.

“Kento,” you’d started, waiting until he looked up from your leg that he’s bandaging to your face to continue. You had a request to make, and he was already preparing to run to the store for more bath salts to soothe your likely aching joints. “I think this next mission will be my last one.”

That wasn’t what he was expecting. Not even close, you loved being a sorcerer, the thought of you wanting to leave doesn’t make sense. So he asks the million dollar question, trying to keep his voice level as he asks,“Why’s that?”

“Because I want it to be.” It sounds so simple, but he knows there’s more that you want to say. “We’ve been married for two years, yeah?”

“On the seventh.”

“On the seventh,” you parrot his response, a smile on your face that he loves seeing. Warm and inviting and everything that he’d fallen in love with. “We’ve been dancing around family planning, and I think I’m ready to take that step but I’ve gotta retire first.”

There they were, the plans for the future he tried not to make. But looking at you, watching as you pulled out one of his hairs that had gotten caught in the diamond ring on your finger, he knew that you’d follow through. He knew that he’d follow through for you, because all he wanted was to see you happy. And he did want it all too; the nice house, beautiful children and perhaps a dog or two to fill it - he wanted all of that with you. He was going to give that to you.

“This next mission is my last.” You repeat your earlier statement, cupping his cheeks to bring him in for a kiss. “Then I’ll be taking care of you and the house. Get all the practice I can get as a housewife.”

“We’ll need other practice as well. I hear that conception can be quite particular with timing and position.” Then he’s lifting you off the counter, being mindful of the injury to your thigh as he carried you out and to the bedroom to carefully deposit you onto the bed. “Might as well start now, right?”

You had been true to your word, your next mission had been your last.

He’d taken to tending to your clothes; finding the old picture you’d kept in your pocket a little worse for wear after years of duty providing you comfort in times of uncertainty and leaving the faded, torn, and slightly bloodstained image atop the dresser. Your clothes had also been washed and neatly tucked away into the back of the closet, you wouldn’t be needing them anymore but he couldn’t bring himself to get rid of them either. It wasn’t his decision to make, after all, and he didn’t want to bother you with details so small. Not right now.

You’d earned your rest, and he felt immense relief now that you’d been removed from the monstrosity that was being a sorcerer. The other emotions were kept at bay as he watched you sleep, gently lifting your hand to pull your engagement ring from your finger and carefully pull away the hairs that had been caught in the stone’s setting. Once again, mostly his hair due to how often you ran your fingers through his hair when you were together. Just like your hair often ended up in the grooves of his watch or stuck to the fabric of his suits - intimacy, proximity, connection. The simple yet massive things that made your marriage as strong as it was. That, and the love you had for one another.

He knew before the nightmare in Shibuya started that he’d be leaving the jujutsu world. The work wasn’t the same without you by his side and he was tired. The goal was to see Yuuji through to finding the rest of Sukuna’s fingers, and to support the boy while they worked to defuse the time bomb inside him, but he wasn’t going to make it that far. He’d be seeing you again sooner than he thought, only he wouldn’t look as pristine as you did upon your return.

And when he thinks back on the last time he saw you, how peaceful you looked as you finally got your well deserved rest, he’s happy. What once felt so far away now feels so much closer, you feel so much closer once more. Was this how you felt, when your time approached? Were you so tired yet so determined to keep pushing, desperate to see him again? Were you accepting of your situation, knowing that he’d join you eventually?

This wasn’t the future you’d tried to plan for, it was exactly the future he’d tried to avoid, but to see you standing ankle deep in the ocean in the white sundress you’d worn when you eloped was unreal. Somewhere in the back of his fading consciousness he knows it’s not, knows you’re not standing on a beach in Malaysia. If it was really you, he’d see the scar that would’ve come to live across your clavicle after your last mission. The last time he saw you was resting peacefully in your casket, and yet he obliges when you wave him over.

“I’ve been waiting for you, Kento.” He always kept you waiting. Waiting to come back to sorcery, waiting to ask you out to dinner, to be his girlfriend, to marry him. Always waiting, always patient. You should’ve ascended to sainthood instead of burrowing a hole in his heart for how patient you were.

“I’m sorry, darling. I had work to do.” Always another mission, always another report, another mentee, and other reason why he couldn’t be there. But now there’s no reason, there’s no mission, there’s no hope for his survival. And he knows as you stand in front of him, hand outstretched and seeking his, that you’re here to guide him to that rest. To welcome him back into the arms that he’d missed so dearly, to bring him home. To take your hand would be to accept the end, but could he do it? Yuuji and the others needed him; there were innocent civilians still trapped in Shibuya, there were children fighting battles that they had minimal chance to survive, to accept his end now didn’t completely feel right.

“I suppose you did.” God, how he missed your smile. To have you smiling at him like this once again was the warmth of the sun directed right at his face, it was a blessing. “But now it’s time to rest.”

Your hands were always so soft.

#nanami kento imagine #nanami kento x reader #nanami kento angst #nanami x reader #nanami x you #kento nanami x you #kento nanami imagine #kento nanami x reader #nanami kento jjk #jjk imagines #jjk angst #jjk x you #jjk fanfic #jjk x fem!reader #jjk x y/n #jjk x reader

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sergeifyodorov · 3 months

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hmm i was scrolling through Twitter earlier and as the designated leafs blog in my mind, what are your thoughts on fraser minten? like he’s so interesting to me because in the narrative i’ve created of him he was tavares’ fifth child but then was our balanced by knies being better, but then wjc happened and he still couldn’t crack it. now he’s on the blades (one of the best whl teams i think??) very interesting

NARRATIVELY he's definitely The Tavares Child -- okayyyy so. Sew. this New Generation of leafs (imho starting at Knies and including Easton Cowan as well as minten) kind of... each parallel a member of the Core: Knies is Auston's child (Arizona boy, big strong forward), Cowan is Mitch's child (London Knight, small winger with endless energy) and Minten is JT's child (Captain anywhere he goes, known for maturity and intelligence)... william child + morgan child ->

anyHWAY the real life scouting report under the cut (not too long i don't think)

Minten's a high second-rounder, which is the type of player that's generally designated as an "upper maybe" NHLer -- by which I mean odds-on he'll get NHL games (as Mints has) but it's less likely he'll become a serious full-time player (although many a second-rounder can and does do so!) The most interesting thing about his draft position was that the Leafs, under Kyle Dubas, traded DOWN to get him -- we had a low first-rounder, then traded it to Chicago to get rid of the Mrazek contract and got the pick that would become Mints in return. Many a source says that Kyle wanted Mints anyway and would have taken him with the first-round pick.

The general consensus is that Mints tops out as a middle-six centre, a 3C on a good team or a 2C on a worse one (or a 1C on the Boston Bruins.) His ceiling is probably about 40 or 50 points, maybe more depending on how much power-play usage he gets.

However, it's also noted (and was pretty obvious to me, even watching him at the WJC -- which I'll get to in a second!) that his real value is not and will likely never be in point production. He's a natural centre, good-to-great at faceoffs (a skill that he learned in part from JT!!) and very good defensively. Because he's still a kid, plays a bit physically and tends to be involved in the play at both ends, he probably takes a few too many undisciplined stick infractions, but these things of course can be straightened out with time and wisdom. Also, he's a touch of a personality hire: he was the youngest A on the all-timer Kamloops Blazers last year and was pretty much immediately named C after the Leafs sent him home this year; he was named captain of the CANADIAN WORLD JUNIORS team with zero other experience playing for Canada on the national level. He plays the piano! He's smart, polite, doesn't cause a fuss, wise beyond his years. Takes a guy far.

Anyway, the WJC: just an absolute hackjob by the coach and one of those years that really demonstrates that Hockey Canada still thinks it can get ahead by being Canada (the ol' throw bodies at the wall shtick) and not, like, because of its actual quality of development. I think bowing out when they did was a bit unlucky, but they absolutely were NOT primed to win it all -- especially because the coach basically seemed to have no concept of... line construction? or anything of the sort? Like he just tossed players together from a hat once (1) and decided they were just going to play out the tourney like that -- no real concept of "x is the playmaker, y is the shooter, z is the forechecker" or "these three are the transition line that take d-zone draws and use their speed to create rush chances/o-zone draws" or even something so simple as "this defensively-minded, slower centre is perhaps not the best match for the winger notorious for being opportunistic and shooty." Also, not to put too fine a point on it but a player can have a bad WJC and it doesn't mean anything, or a good WJC and it also doesn't mean anything -- Jesse Puljujarvi rose his draft stock by a good chunk in 2016 by having a FANTASTIC WJC, and he's currently on an AHL tryout. It's a small sample size, mostly played with teammates they barely know and against competition about a half-step up from what they're used to. Weird statlines happen.

Back to MINTS because we're still talking about him. Yess currently he's on the Blades -- traded from the Blazers because the Blazers are garbage and they want to Do Right By The Player and put him on a competitive team (done for two reasons: one, because it can be demoralizing to be the best player on a bad team, and two, because being on a good team in juniors often means you get actually good-for-your-development linemates and usage). He was generally not expected to make the Leafs at ALL this season (I mean, 20-year-old second-rounder, right?) and cracking the roster out of camp, even though he only got three games and has a rather blank statline is SUPER impressive. I'm pretty sure this is his last year of CHL eligibility, after which he'll probably either get put on the Marlies for a year to keep cooking or he'll make the Leafs again and stick around. Either way, he's slid twice I think so we burn a year of his ELC.

and my opinion of the boy? I love him. Let's go baby leafs baby leafs forevar

#asks #fraser minten

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the-far-bright-center · 9 months

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There's a fundamental disconnect between my view of Star Wars and that of, well.... the majority of the SW fandom these days. Whether this is due to lingering disdain for the Prequels (despite fandom claims of acceptance, there's still plenty of prequels-hate going around, it's just taken on a different guise) or the constant onslaught of Disney’s big-budget fanfic muddying the waters, or a combination of both, I don’t know.

But ultimately, it's quite simple. I view 'Star Wars' as the Skywalker saga...aka the six-film Lucas saga, which tells the story of Anakin Skywalker's rise, fall, and redemption. I don't personally see 'Star Wars' as some ongoing, open-ended franchise that can or even should have indefinite *canonical* additions to it. (An optional expanded universe is one thing, but additions that we, as fans, are just supposed to accept as canon without question because Disney says so is another thing entirely.) Because 'Star Wars' is not just some cinematic universe that exists for its own sake. The fact is, almost the entirety of the world-building from the Lucas-era was done in service of the story and characters of the Original Trilogy and the Prequels. The galaxy far, far away was created specifically to be the backdrop for the Skywalker saga.

So when people debate topics like ‘pro-Jedi’ vs. ‘Jedi critical’, I’m often unable to relate to the angle that these discussions take because I feel like they are largely missing the point. Story-wise, the Jedi don’t exist for their own sake, they (along with the Jedi vs. Sith struggle) are simply part of the mythic backstory of the saga. As a concept, the Jedi exist primarily to serve Anakin and Luke’s respective journeys. So, the Jedi Order of the Prequels-era is written as having become rigid and flawed because that is the necessary context for Anakin’s fall to the Dark Side. And likewise, Luke bringing Anakin back to the Light through the power of love and familial bonds is what rectifies the Old Order’s failings and thus restores the Jedi to the galaxy.

That's just... the story. As in, how it was told. So when I write meta about the Prequels and Original Trilogy, and how they work together as one story, my descriptions and interpretations of both the Jedi Order and the Jedi religion (these are related but not exactly the same thing) are simply neutral in my mind. I'm just talking about what the story is trying to convey. I can't relate to this idea that we must leap to the Jedi Order's defense, nor the converse, that we must condemn the Jedi eternally for having lost their way by the time of the Twilight of the Republic. Rather, I step outside of the story for a moment, and look from the outside in to try to see what is happening from that perspective.

I'm not sure that everyone in the fandom is willing or even able to do that.

Whether that is because very few people actually appreciate the Skywalker saga as Lucas told it to begin with (many people still loudly proclaim that 'Star Wars sucks!', which leads me to believe they must not value the core story at its heart), or they have been so confused by the Disney nonsense that they think the 'new canon' has automatically overridden any meaning that once existed in the PT x OT saga...again, I don't know. I have purposefully tried very hard to stay away from any Disney-related SW discussions for years now, so this is just all what I've gleaned from glimpses here and there.

But it seems to me that many SW fans have trouble accepting that the concept of the Jedi (and the Sith) are inextricably linked to the Skywalker saga and the Skywalker saga alone. These things would never have been created in the way they were without that story. But to acknowledge this would means fans have to accept how central Anakin is to the entire thing. All of it exists for Anakin's story. There are fans who don't like this for a slew of reasons, whether it be that they became attached to a certain idea of the Jedi based on how they were portrayed in Expanded Universe stories that came out during the interim between RotJ and the release of the Prequels (stories that were largely jossed by Lucas' canon), or because they hate Anakin for in-story reasons and have never been able to accept that Star Wars is about him whether they like it or not.

It certainly doesn't help that Disney has played into this discomfort by largely ignoring Anakin (at least, until fan-demand forced their hand) or even outright denying his importance to the story as Lucas told it. (Anakin is the Chosen One whether Disney or fans want him to be or not. Being the Chosen One is not about whether he 'deserves' it, it's literally just his role in the story. And Lucas' saga simply doesn't work without Anakin in the central role.) If fans are confused and disoriented these days, I can't entirely blame them. Disney's version of SW doesn't 'match' the Lucas saga and in many places outright contradicts it. But everything can easily be made clear if people step back (and put aside the Disney stuff for a moment) and just look at the actual story being told in the PT and OT. Likewise, any debates about the Jedi can easily be resolved in the same way. It's really not about how much fans like the Jedi as a group or as individual characters, or how much fans might wish they could be a Jedi themselves. It's about the role the Jedi play in the story, and it's about acknowledging whose story it really is.

#anakin skywalker #anti-disney #the jedi religion #the jedi order #the prequels #original trilogy #pro-Lucas saga #the skywalker saga #the real skywalker saga

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tblsomedoodles · 2 months

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C R A V E

more Donnie VS The World content. It makes me vibrate and scream and wiggle like I'm off my meds. I would love anything, even a solid block of text, but your doodles/full artworks/comics are my favorite.

Please? All I've found so far is what we see in the donnieverse comic and the MVA/AMV (music video animatic/animatic music video). So many questions, like - is Casey (Sr) involved in any way, whethercas a fellow captive or rescue mission teammate? Is this the True Apocalypse or Averted Apocalypse timeline? If the latter, where is Casey (Jr)? How is Splinter handling it? (Is he even still alive to be Having Emotions About It?)

(Please feed me.

B L E A S E)

(If you don't mind, could you show/tell how Donnie escapes, one of his first Big Leads that gives him so much hope he cries, and/or the Big Reunion? One would be nice, two would be great, and all three would be amazing. If they aren't planned/are too spoilery, that's okay. Anything you can/are willing to give would be lovely.)

Thank you!! I'm glad you like it : ) I don't think I've answered many asked about this particular au, so i'm more than willing to talk about it! : )

I don't really have much up for it, mostly b/c it deals with a lot of angsty material that i can be a little uneasy about posting. I have a bit of old concept art, and an unposted fic i'm editing/rewriting (b/c it's the first fic i wrote for Rise and i did not have those character voices down lol.) I can probably post the first bits of it later this week. I did say at one point that i would once 'proud family tradition' was over, and it now is.

but yeah, here's the concept art, i'll put the explanation under the break b/c i'm going to be rambling lol.

So Donnie vs. takes place after the thwarted apocalypse (not-apocalypse future). They get taken by Bishop a few months afterwards, and it isn't until about a year after that, that Donnie gets free.

He's the last one still with Bishop at that point, and had been told/convinced through various means that his brothers were dead.

Bishop did a lot of experiments on him, leaving a lot of scaring. One of which was injecting him with Krang DNA to see what would happen. (the eye and veins thing. I think he has some side effects from that but i'm not entirely certain what they are atm)

The fic itself starts after his rescue, b/c i'm focusing on Donnie's search for his brothers (and his own recovery) Rather than the traumatic event itself.

The rescue itself, was certainly a rescue. April, Casey, and CJ worked together to get him out of there as well as gain whatever information they could before they were found out. (Casey went undercover and was able to get some incomplete files and help get donnie out before she was discovered and had to leave.)

donnies in...pretty bad shape at that point, mentally and physically. Physically, he's malnurished, injured, scared, the works. Bishop did a number on him in the year he had him.

Mentally, he's pretty much shut down. He's completely non-verbal, unresponsive most of the time, when he does respond it's very slow and seemingly difficult for him to do so. He describes it that it feels like he's behind several plates of thick glass. He can see and hear what's happening, interacting (or even just feeling anything about it) is very hard to get past the glass.

How he goes from that state to hunting down his brothers is fairly simple. One of the broken, encripted files Casey acquired was Leo's file. None of the three could open it, but they managed to get Donnie to try to do so. He manages it, sees the file, and for the first time in about a year, has hope. He doesn't even wait to show the other three, he just takes off while no one was looking, with April's laptop and CJ's coat (he steals a backpack along the way.)

I don't really want to say much past that. A lot of the rescues/reunions are pretty spoiler heavy, and i don't want to ruin some of the mystery of what's going on in the fic. But know this, he does get all his brothers (and family in general) back. Also, splinter is alive and is part of this, but again, that's spoilers for some things i don't want to ruin.

Again, i'll probably start posting this sometime this week. It's an interesting fic that i've put quite a bit of time into at this point, so i'll be excited to see what is thought of it.

Thank you!

#asks #tmnt #rottmnt #donnie vs the world #my doodles #medical experimentation

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sthormiiii · 2 months

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What do you like and don’t like about Aaravos ?

omgomg ty for the question i love talking about my man!!!

(this came out wayy longer than i imagined whoops)

okok so.

the things i love about aaravos are many. starting from the obvious, his design!! he is so so pretty i love startouch elves designs in general (all the concept art in the art of the dragon prince made me lose my mind!!) and also the fact you can get a lot about him from his design, like how he changed after he fell and the way he lost many of his accessories which probably represented his status in startouch society- AND THE BLACK HOLE IN HIS CHEST PROBABLY REPRESENTING HIS HEART???? like, he LITERALLY LOST HIS HEART?????

thennn, we go on his personality! that man suffered for CENTURIES, he had to witness so Much Stuff. he got through so much trauma and lost everyone who he ever cared about. but does that bother him? i mean, yes ofc it does...but despise all of it, he still keeps up his silly personality! and manages to still be himself :33

the thing is, my interpretation of aaravos's character is probably very personal, and most of the things i think about him are from my own headcanons, but!!!! we know he is inspired from prometheus, giving humans magic despise the gods (other elves and dragons) didnt want them to have it. but he still did it. he helped them out when they were struggling, and because of it he got punished.

thats the thing!! he loved humans SO MUCH he couldn't help but help them, even if he knew it would get him in trouble.his love for humans, for magic, for xadia, its what keeps him going, he wants to be free and be able to see xadia again, to see the sky, and feel the grass under his feet! him pre-fall was just,, so so filled with love for everything around him

now.

clearly, he also did some really fucked up stuff (like swallowing killing adidi and probably also luna tenebris) he isn't completely good or completely bad. he's in between and everything he does he does it for a reason which he believes is the right one-

rn hes a psycho, he spent 300 years in isolation and he is full of anger and just wants to see the world burn😞😞 he lost everything and everyone and yes hes the villain rn,, but he still has all that love inside of him. his love for humans...for magic...his need to feel someone, anyone by his side, to know hes not alone- him trying to help viren in s5 (in his own fucked up way) shows that he still cares☹️☹️

so yeah, i just- love complex characters!

now, the things I don't like- this is a hard choice bc i honestly love all his flaws too?? but i would say i dont like how the show handles him lmao.

i could talk about this for hours, but to make it simple i think they are totally wasting his character here. like. we're never going to fully see aaravos in all his shades bc

1) we dont have time for all that

2) even if they somehow manage to give us a glimpse of all the pain and suffering he carries on his back,, i think its a bit too late to make the viewers completely emphasise with him

the whole mystery of aaravos arc should have taken a different direction imo. but desides that, i still love the show sm and i cant wait to see more!!

god i love talking about him.

#ask #aaravos tdp #tdp #the dragon prince #mystery of aaravos #aaravos

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queen-of-the-idiots · 7 months

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THINGS THAT I THINK CHEEKY IS VERY GOOD AT AND BETTER THAN V AND L AT:

(AKA, Cheeky is getting bullied on the interwebs, and I’m choosing to take that personally.)

Science and Mathy Things- Cheeky worked as a scientist for The Corporation for YEARS. Science and Math were her main jobs, and jokes about her not getting a simple math equation (FALSE ALLEGATIONS, DISPROVEN LATER) aside, I bet that she’s really good at stuff like that.

Being Clear- Cheeky is BLUNT. She says exactly what she’s thinking, no holds barred. She does what she wants, and has a awesome time doing it. She is one of the ONLY characters to be straightforward about intentions, blind spots, and feelings on issues. Part of this is probably because the others have to hide aspects of themselves in order to stay safe, and she didn’t really have to do that, but MY POINT STANDS!!!

Learning and Evolving- Cheeky is smart. Wicked smart. She picks up on things really quickly, learns from her mistakes with little to no trouble, and finds where she can be the most service. I’m not saying that other characters DON’T do these things, but I am saying that Cheeky doesn’t get enough credit for all that she does. She’s the ONLY light magic user in the world. She doesn’t have a mentor, boss, or anyone who TRULY understands her powers. V and L can only take her so far, a lot of her learning is practical application. And yet, she picks up on concepts very quickly, to the point that MULTIPLE CHARACTERS have commented on it. I could go on, but I won’t.

Emotional Vulnerability/Stability- Nuff said. I’m playing, but seriously, Cheeky adds a human element to V’s dynamic that is needed. V cares for and about people, obviously, but he doesn’t make it a point to tell them that or express that. (Probably due to a fear that they’ll be taken from him stemming from his childhood but WE DON’T HAVE TO TALK ABOUT THAT-) Cheeky, however, has incredible empathy. She’s a protector, a healer, and a good person at heart. It’s even reflected in her magic! She does things that are difficult for her, and she handles it like a champ. Is she probably a little more sensitive rn because of the whole Atrocity situation? Maybe. But still! She also is able to bounce back from difficult situations with relative ease. (Most people would NOT be that chill with finding out that their whole life is a lie and they’ve been under mind control.)

Her Magic- Look, is Cheeky the strongest magic user? No, not by a long shot. Twinkle has more magical prowess than Cheeky, and Twinkle is making it up as she goes! But Cheeky still does have access to a whole other side of magic that the others don’t. And I think that makes her pretty neat. Furthermore! That same magic helped her break free of mind control (which we don’t have record of many people doing) and stay alive!

In Conclusion!

Cheeky is a boss, and I will not stand for this slander of her good name.

#scythe audio #scythe asmr #scythe cheeky #scythe v #scythe the corporation #scythe l

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sabineelectricheart · 1 year

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Gaunt Reproduction Habits

Summary: A well-placed insinuation of Anne’s awaken something on Ominis. His wife deals with it like a trooper.

Rating: MA - Content is only suitable for mature adults. May contain explicit language and adult themes.

Words: 2900

Notes: Ominis would be an animal in bed and this is a hill I’m willing to die on.

All it had taken was a simple exchange of words. A mere scrap of small talk over breakfast.

Anne had been exercising impressive creativity coming up with subtle ways to either inquire about or encourage Rosalie and Ominis to have a child. She was simply enamoured with the idea of being an aunt, and yet, despite her efforts, the concept had yet to take root in his mind.

She had noticed of course, but never openly acknowledged her veiled comments until one morning, when, evidently having run out of patience, she decided to ask more directly.

"Ominis, have you and Rosie ever considered whether I shall ever have a nephew or a niece to love and spoil some day?"

The blind man nearly spat out his tea. His face burned so red that she feared for his health, so much blood rushing to his head all at once. It was a funny sight, and while they had indeed touched upon the subject a few times, they have never discussed it at length, aside from a statement of “not right now” by the man.

The wife did her best to smooth over the topic with a hasty, "Ah, well, we will have to have our own conversations about that in time, I imagine."

“You have a brother, Anne. Should you not ask him such a question?” The man complements, finding his voice and a napkin.

“I did not take you for a man of faith, Ominis.” Anne deadpanned. “Have you met Sebastian? He will never marry, lest have a child. You two are my only hope.”

He might have dismissed the prodding with a snarky comment, but the damage was done. Something shook loose within him, something he thought that he had killed in the bud so many years ago.

He is a pureblood, a Gaunt, and so he had been expected to reproduce as much as he can, as soon as he can, but, as all things related to those two traits of his, he has resented such an obligation. He has heard of Isolt Sayre and the halfblood daughters she had in America, how one of them had simply refused to have children to let this cursed bloodline die, and he admired the decision, so much so he thought of replicating it himself.

Around his First Year, though, he has briefly wondered that, if he had a family, he would not feel as alone as he did, if only he could find someone likeminded and pleasant enough. Then, he started getting along with the Sallow twins and the idea left his head, as it should.

Even when Ominis met Rosalie and decided that courting someone was not so bad, after all, he is yet to change his mind about his anti-natalist stance. Perhaps it was disloyal of him to propose marriage without disclosing it to his prospective bride, but, well, he by himself is enough of a liability, he did not want to put too much strings on the match. She would probably not mind, or say that she does not to placate him, but his in-laws were rather… Disconcerted with the match, regardless of bloodlines, and he is sure that, had he demanded a Knut more than what was offered to him, he would be shown the door. That would not be acceptable, and so he relented in deferring the decision to a later date, hopefully forever.

If she truly wished to be a mother, then he would just insist upon adoption, as it is not as much the rearing part he is against, it is the blood that he feels is too cursed to survive. Had they met at a different place in their lives, had she been a widow, for one, with children of her own, he would not fear embracing them as his own, as a fruit of hers is blessed as much as one of his is damned.

Well, things seemed to be changing now. As they got away from Britain and the rest of the Gaunts, rebuilding their lives in Canada with the Sallow twins, he has been revisiting the idea of children, privately and slowly.

Perhaps it would not be too bad, as he, after all, is very different from his parents and would not repeat the same mistakes. Nor would any child of his be only Gaunt, as half of them would necessarily be of the woman he loves, and he knows that she is fully good.

When Anne asked that backhanded question of hers, it all seemed to come together for Ominis, and he feels that he rather wants a son or a daughter with his wife, bearing his name, and he wants it now.

He had held composure well enough at first, but with some time, it was hard not to notice. His attention to her voice seemed different these days, he touches her more, even when he ought to be working the looms and the potions, and his hand lingers at the small of her back or down her arms. In fact, he directs her by touch quite frequently. He has become harsher towards anyone who is even the slightest bit uncooperative towards her. While it is only in his nature to be protective, now he hovers nearby like he cannot let her out of his sight.

Yet, they had not made love since this reproductive mania began, and it is driving him near to madness, as, while he wants it very much, he also fears it, and so has taken to deny her at night. He should not rush it, he should talk to her, at the very least he should make peace with his thoughts, but everything is happening so strongly in his mind that it is difficult to set himself into the right headspace for any of it.

It pains him much, much more than it can possibly pain her. He is restless and starved. When he places his hand at Rosalie, he imagines filling her with him. He imagines her round with his child, carrying one of his own kind. He imagines claiming her, breeding her, as not just his lover, but his soulmate.

His wife, however, finds that this hot-and-cold behaviour of his had gone long enough. The night she makes up her mind to ask him directly, she situated herself on his lap facing him in their bed. He sits upright against the headboard as she shares idle chat about her day and the occasional light, chaste kiss.

Until he leans into one. Her eyebrows rise as he kisses her more deeply, entirely without warning. Both of his hands run warm up the outer curve of her thighs, and she instinctively shifts towards him. He nips at her lower lip, and now his hands are at her backside, fondling rounded flesh ever pulling she against his body.

This is not like him at all, she considers.

"Ominis, what has… What has gotten into you? You have been strange ever since…" She manages to say between kisses, and things begin to come together in her mind. "You have been strange ever since Anne asked us about…"

He freezes as though he has been shaken from a trance state. His hands shy away from her, the caresses stop, as he tries to form a coherent explanation in his mind, preferably one that do not involve a regression to his childhood.

Rosalie would certainly not let go if she remotely thought it had something to do with the Gaunts, and whether or not he decides to breed her anytime soon, he knows this is too heavy an emotional journey to be had when all he wants is some love from his wife.

"Yes, well, it was a... Thought-provoking question, I would say." He replies stiffly

She considers what he said as she brings a hand to caress his cheek.

"Do you... Not like the idea?" She asks, with her best attempt at a casual, neutral tone, thinking it is productive if she does not influence him directly with her thoughts on the matter.

"No, no, that is not it at all!" He stammers out.

She lovingly brushes a few blond strands of hair, free from their usual pomade, behind his ear. As her hand travels down the side of his neck to his shoulder muscle, she feels his pulse racing.

"So, you...” She starts, gauging his reactions. “You do like the idea."

"I, ah..."

Ominis raises his face at last, and the serious façade he had been keeping cracks just the slightest bit. Something clicks in her mind. Her eyes flicker downward to confirm her suspicions. Sure enough, his large member has begun to stir from underneath his nightshirt, making of it a lewd white tent.

She chuckles softly. “You really like the idea, I see."

"Well, I…" His face is burning red and his face darts away from her view once more. "It is not a matter of want or not want. I had considered it before, but… But I came to different conclusions on the matter. On the other hand, given our more stable circumstances, and…"

"Ominis." She leans against his torso and speaks softly into his ear. "Do you want to impregnate me with your child?"

His entire frame tenses, he says her name like a plea or a prayer as a hand grips hers.

She kissed his cheek. “Just tell me if you want it. Do not think of anything else, we can address those concerns later. I merely want to know whether you would like to have a child with me.”

He closes his eyes and, for a moment, he feels as if he is going to break down and cry. “I… I do.”

It is true. He does want to have a child with Rosalie.

"It is alright, love." She whispers with a smile. "We can do it. I am here to help you with whatever you struggle in your decision. You do not have to hold back anymore."

With one more worshipful utterance of her name, Ominis turns her onto her back on the bed with far more force than he tends to use with she. He practically tears her clothing from her like he resents its presence. She attempts to remove his in turn, but he manages it quicker, and soon enough, his lean body has her pressed against the mattress.

He trails heated kisses down the centre of her torso, causing her to arch up to him as she sighs in pleasure. Then, his lips reach her lower stomach, just above her womb, and without warning, he bites down on the tender flesh.

Her body tenses, but Ominis holds he in place as he sucks and nibbles a small bruise to her skin. It felt rather strange of him to do such a thing, but when she feels the slight tingle of magic bubbling underneath the skin, she realises it must be one of those Gaunt secrets and customs that always seem to be lurking at the edges of her life since she met her husband.

"I am sorry for the brutality, but I feel it must be done.” He whispers once he is satisfied with his work. “I never thought I would be in the situation of trying it, and yet… When I opened my heart to you, I found myself in several of those, a-and it felt right…”

The woman runs her hand on his hair, soothingly. “That is alright. It did not hurt too badly. What is it?”

"This designates you as my woman. The mother of my children." He responded, blushing slightly. “It is supposed to increase fertility and the likelihood of magical talent in the offspring.”

True enough, it is hard for Rosalie not to imagine herself as a wizard's property when he prowls over her and directs her legs around his hips. At a glance, she can see that his cock is rock hard, flushed dark and already drooling pre-cum.

Ominis hovers over the moment their bodies join with something burning and obsessive in his eyes. He watches his girth spreading her open, her soft pussy lips yielding to him until he is held as deep within her as he can fit. She breathes slowly, doing her best to adjust to his size, but his eyes are still focused low.

Gingerly, his hand brushes over the place where he marked her, where she can feel the head of his cock hitting against her womb.

Then, his hips begin to move, and she knows immediately that tonight will not be the same as others. His movements are harsh, powerful, he would easily be shoving her back on the mattress if his hands were not holding her in place so firmly. He takes her as a man starved, frantic and insane, with a desire to consume her whole.

Rosalie watches his abdomen flex with every push, his arms tensed and hard as he pounds into her steadily. It is with good luck that the discovery of this little kink of his had left her so wet, as he had taken no time to prepare her. So, while her slick guides him in and out of her tight hole, the pain and pleasure mingle in her nerves.

The woman gazes up at him with hazy, half-lidded eyes and see that he has not averted his eyes away from her lower belly, his supposedly line of sight so well-aligned that she wonders whether he had suddenly gained the ability to see.

Ominis grits his teeth, baring a hint of just-a-little-too-sharp canines. Then, without a word, he snarls and holds himself in her to the base as his hot cum shoots out into she. She is panting, clutching the pillow behind her.

Before he is even ridden out the entirety of his orgasm, his hands tighten their hold at her waist in a wordless warning. She is fully aware that her husband is capable of cumming more than once in a night on occasion, and she has a suspicion that he is going to be exceptionally thorough this time.

He handles his wife like a weak little plaything. She is on her stomach next, and he mounts her to mate like a wild beast, her backside bouncing against his pelvis as he slams his length into her. He fills her again before too long, and already she can feel his release escaping onto her inner thighs.

When her husband pulls out of Rosalie this time, presumably only to reposition her again, he pauses instead. She glances back, about to question him, but then two fingers glide across her skin, gathering his cum until he pushes it back inside of her.

She moans his name aloud, her cunt squeezing and spasming around his fingers, this lewd act simply too much for her.

"I see..." His voice rumbles in his chest behind her. "You really do want to bear my child... Very good."

She is turned onto her back once more. This time, Ominis lifts her legs up onto his shoulders, aligns himself on the orifice and supporting himself with his two arms on either side of her head, and pushes into her over-used and over-filled pussy. With her body angled back like this, he fucks his own seed into her, pounding her into the mattress as she merely whimpers and takes him.

"Mine... My woman..." He mutters like a man possessed. "I shall fill you with my child, Rosalie. I will have you each and every day until I am completely certain that you have conceived."

All Rosalie can manage in reply is a blissful mantra of 'yes' and his name. Then, she feels his cock twitching, each throb and shift of the massive length rubbing into her wonderfully. At last, his hands rest on the pillow and his forearms give out, as his entire body shivers with this last, most powerful orgasm.

There is no way all of his cum can fit inside of her now. Even Ominis seems to have accepted it, merely groaning out her name as it coats his member, her lower lips, her inner thighs.

It takes some time for both of them to catch their breath after this. For a while, he simply kneels over her, trying to memorise what feels like a good breeding and hoping to repeat it a few times over yet, as many as necessary and hopefully time and time again.

Alas, eventually, a more sober sense of reason returns to his expression. When he lies beside his, he is gentle, almost apologetic. He might have enjoyed it, but he should not be as forceful with his wife. It is both uncouth and violent, not the sort of behaviour he would like for her to witness.

She kisses him sweetly, then say, "I had not realized that you could talk dirty like that. You should do it more often."

Ominis replies with another kiss, brushing her hair from her face.

"Ah, that. Make no mistake, my love, it was your boundless kindness that has allowed me to be more... Open, I suppose, with my desires." He says, smiling dazedly. "I was only being truthful. I love you, and you make me insane."

Rosalie snuggles further into his chest, in a silent gesture of welcoming acceptance. Love makes them both more than a little insane, after all.

*_*_*_*_*

Hogwarts Legacy Masterlist

#hogwarts legacy #ominis gaunt

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lets-try-some-writing · 2 months

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Greetings, I hope today has fared well for you and yours. I have recently taken the plunge into the TFP + Transformers fandom and have taken a particular liking to your blog especially. It has brought a great amount of joy to me every time I see a new post or discover an old one (I do apologize for the spam of likes). I especially adore the bots reacting to the TFP kids or human concept ask. I wholeheartedly blame Twitter for this one, but I saw THIS tweet, and my mind immediately thought about an ask concept.

You can ignore this one if it's bothersome, but I was curious about your thoughts or the bots thoughts on how they'd react to the TFP kids telling them about how crazy waffle house is. Even if this isn't answered, I hope your days continue to be well, you prosper as well as thrive, and you know you make many people happy. :)

I've actually never been to Waffle House. I was born in the United States but I haven't stepped foot on American soil in almost five years now. I unfortunately have no clue how to answer this. I also haven't been to Starbucks either.

Yeah I'm pretty boring. So I apologize, its not that the ask wasn't good, its just that I haven't left my compound in years for anything other than simple social events.

#lets try some writing mumbles

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blubberquark · 4 months

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New Year's Resolutions

Hey everybody. It's a new year. Happy New Year!

Gamedev Blogging

Last year I have fallen behind on posting gamedev stuff. It's mostly because there is no good way to format code listings in the new editor. So this year, I am not even going to try eith gamedev tutorials on tumblr. I might post them elsewhere and just link them. I have already taken a look at Cohost, but It doesn't have the features I need. Wouldn't it be cook if you could post pico-8 carts on cohost? Or source code listings? Or LaTeX? I might as well write the HTML by hand and host it somewhere. But that won't be the focus of this blog in 2024.

Instead I'm going to do more tumblr posting about game design, just less on the code side. It will be more on the screenshot side. First thing will be about my 2023 Game Of The Year. It will probably surprise you. I did not expect it to be this good. You can also expect something about some of my old prototypes. Over the years I have started and abandoned game prototypes after either concluding that the idea won't work and can't be made to work, or after learning what I needed to learn. What did I learn? Wait and find out!

Computer Litaracy

I'll also attempt to write more about general computing and "computer literacy" topics. I have two particular "series" or "categories" in mind already. Almost Good: Technologies that sound great when you hear abut them, but that don't work as well as you might think when you try them out. Harmful Assumptions About Computing: Non-technical people often have surprising ideas about how computers work. As a technically inclined person, you don't even realise how far these unspoken assumptions about computers can reach.

Usability of computers and software seems to have gotten worse rather than better in many aspects, while computers have become entrenched in every workplace, our private lives, and in our interactions with corporations and government services. Computer literacy has also become worse in certain ways, and I think I know some reasons why.

There will also be some posts about forum moderation and community management. It's rather basic and common-sense stuff, but I want to spell it out.

Actual Game Development

I am going to release a puzzle game in 2024. You will be able to buy it for money. You can hold me to it. This is my biggest New Year's Resolution.

I will continue to work on two games of mine. One will be the game I just mentioned. The other is Wyst. I put the project on ice because I was running out of inspiration for a while, but I think I am sufficiently inspired now. I will pick it up again and add two more worlds to the game, and get it into a "complete" state. I'll also have to do a whole lot of playtesting. This may be the last time I touch Unity3d.

I will try out two new engines and write one or two proof-of-concept games in each of them, maybe something really simple like "Flappy Bird", and one game jam "warm-up" thing, with the scope of a Ludum Dare compo game. Maybe that means I'll write Tetris or Pong multiple times. I probably won't put the "Pong in Godot" on itch.io page next to a "Pong in Raylib" and "Pong in Bevy", but I'll just put the code on my GitHub. The goal is to have more options for a game jam, so I can decide to use Godot if it is a better fit for the jam topic.

In the past, I have always reached for PyGame by default, because Python is the language that has flask and Django and sqlalchemy and numpy and pyTorch, and because I mostly want to make games in 2D. I want to get out of my comfort zone. In addition to the general-purpose game engines, I will try to develop something in bitsy, AGS, twine, pico-8 or Ren'Py. I want to force myself to try a different genre this way. Maybe I'll make an archaeologist dating simulator.

All in all, this means I will so significant work on two existing projects, revisit some old failed prototypes to do a postmortem, I'll write at least six new prototypes, and two new jam games, plus some genre/narrative experiments. That's a lot already. So here's an anti-resolution: I won't even try to develop any of my new prototypes into full releases. I will only work on existing projects from 2023 or before if I develop anything into playable demo versions or full games. I won't get sidetracked by the next Ludum Dare game, I promise. After the jam is over, I'll put down the project, at least until 2025.

#gamedev #game development #indiedev #happy new year 2024 #new years resolutions

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lia-land · 2 months

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A Court of Thorns and Roses by Sarah J. Maas

4.5/5 stars

Spoilers for the first book in the A Court of Thorns and Roses series

Like so many others, this is the book that got me back into reading after a five-ish year slump. In saying that, I liked it at first, but did not love it until after I read the second book and things fell into place. I love series that give you all the answers and you don’t even realize it (see The Unbecoming of Mara Dyer). I did see spoilers prior to finishing this book, and that was mainly the reason I kept reading. I felt like when you compare this to the second book, it feels like SJM was ironically writing certain tropes, and then decided she wanted to take the story seriously toward the end. For example, the concept of Calanmai. Faeries having a sex ceremony once a year to help the crops grow felt a bit ridiculous to me in the context of the rest of the plot. And then Tamlin being basically overtaken by some sort of horny magic? Things like that made me think she wrote the first book with a different direction in mind than what we see in the rest of the series. I found myself often sending out of context snippets to my friends and going “this is so ridiculous and I think I’m just reading fairy porn.” But I couldn’t stop. The writing and plot improves massively throughout the next two books, but that is a big risk for an author to take because you will have readers who don’t go past this first book. In this case, it paid off.

I absolutely loved all of the Under the Mountain chapters. The 280 pages before it almost felt like a prequel and Under the Mountain felt like when the plot truly began. Rhysand was such an interesting character to read about. I love characters who aren’t outright evil and leave you guessing. I didn’t realize how boring Tamlin was until Rhys was introduced. Though I was fully daydreaming about Tamlin while reading this book.

The writing style is very simple and easy to read and it’s okay to like that. This isn’t some great classic novel that you can compare to Shakespeare; it’s just fun and easy. A lot of sentences are repeated through this book and the others in the series which felt slightly lazy to me, but again, it’s a fun read and you shouldn’t take it too seriously.

If you’ve read this and you’re on the fence about continuing, definitely read the next book because it will likely change your opinion on this one. This first book isn’t that great on its own, but paired with the second and the things that are revealed, you might even find yourself doing a reread.

I would like to add that the original prints of these books had a pronunciation guide at the beginning and I don’t know why that was taken out of the newer prints, but it should come back. I was out here pronouncing Lucien as Lu-seen and Rhysand as Rice-and until I put on the audio book towards the end. And bogge is actually bo-gee and not bog??

I think it absolutely deserves 5 stars when paired with A Court of Mist and Fury, but I’ll be giving it 4.5 because it was only 4 stars on its own before I finished the second book and everything fell into place.

#a court of thorns and roses #a court of mist and fury #a court of wings and ruin #acotar #feyre archeron #tamlin #feyre #rhysand #sarah j maas #book review

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cosmicjoke · 1 year

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Lestat, Tale of the Body Thief and THAT scene

Okay, well... now I see exactly what it is that’s got so many fans hating on “TotBT”, lol. So... Lestat rapes a woman. That’s hard to swallow, no doubt. Really hard. But also, it would be easy to get caught up in the act itself and ignore all the surrounding factors which lead up to it, and I don’t want to do that, because this is a very complex scenario which unfolded and ended in tragic circumstances, and obviously, it’s rich with psychological implications about Lestat and where he is at this point in the story, and where he’s going to end up.

First, I just want to say, so nobody attacks me, I’m not making excuses for Lestat’s actions here. What he did was wrong. Even he acknowledges it was wrong, and makes no excuses for himself. But I’ll also say that I believe there are several contributing factors to what Lestat does that are essential in understanding it, and while the act itself is vile and evil, it doesn’t make Lestat evil, and I want to explain why.

Well, first, Lestat has been a vampire for more than 200 years at this point. He’s killed... thousands of people. And each time he kills a person as a vampire, that in itself is tantamount to a sexual act. Sucking blood gives the same pleasure to a vampire as the act of intercourse does to a human, only infinitely more intense and satisfying. There’s also the fact that Lestat has grown used to enjoying playing with his human victims. He’s grown to enjoy the struggle of them fighting back before he eventually kills them. It’s something he’s become accustomed to, as a vampire. And in his encounter here with this woman, it’s in thinking about his experiences with drinking blood that actually gets him in the mood for sex. He’s viewing the experience, whether he realizes it or not, through the lens of his experiences as a vampire. So he’s already in a more aggressive mindset.

“This was good, even if her mouth was bad tasting. Didn’t matter. But then my mind raced ahead to blood. Drink her blood.

Where was the pounding intensity of drawing near the victim, of the moment right before my teeth pierced the skin and the blood spilled all over my tongue?

No, it’s not going to be that easy, or that consuming. It’s going to be between the legs and more like a shiver, but this is some shiver, I’ll say that.

Merely thinking of the blood had heightened the passion, and I shoved her roughly down on the bed. I wanted to finish, nothing else mattered but finishing.”

Lestat later says...

“I saw her again at the moment of my climax, fighting me, and I realized it was utterly inconceivable to her that I could have enjoyed the struggle, enjoyed her rage and her protests, enjoyed conquering her. But in a paltry and common way, I think I had.”

It’s important to remember that when Lestat attacks human victims as a vampire, in the moment when he sinks his teeth into them, even if they’ve been struggling and fighting against him, they become enraptured, and feel the pleasure he feels as he sucks their blood. He’s confused and taken aback by her reaction because he was thinking like a vampire, like he has been since switching into a mortal body. She’s horrified, not enraptured. He doesn’t understand why because he isn’t at all used to it. When she tells him to stop, he says

““What the hell are you saying?” I murmured. I knew the meaning of these words, yet they didn’t make sense.”

She screams at him to stop again, and Lestat thinks

“But I couldn’t wait. What the hell made her think this was the time to discuss such a thing, I wondered, in some vague crazed fashion.”

He’s used to approaching this sort of physical gratification as a vampire would, with the rules and boundaries of a vampire, not a human. He’s been a human at this point for less than 12 hours. Compare that with 210 years as a vampire, and it’s not so simple to break out of patterns of behavior. He can no longer think like a human, in fact.

Further, Lestat, I would argue, has little conception of the limitations imposed on human’s by human law, at this point, since such laws haven’t applied to him in more than two centuries. He hasn’t had sex in more than two centuries either, and the last time he did, it was 1780, at the latest. The dynamics and expectations between a man and a woman back then were very, very different than they would be in 1990, and Lestat’s entire encounter with this woman is being informed by his boyhood experiences with the girls of his village back in France during the 18th century. On top of that, Lestat was a Lord, and being a Lord, certain privileges were granted to him, certain things he would have been raised to expect for himself. Almost certainly, this informed the way he was used to treating women in sexual situations. Being rough, being dominant, were things he was likely raised to believe were acceptable and even expected when having sexual relations with women. I know that’s hard to accept, but one of the worst trends of today, I think, is how we expect people from the past to have lived by the moral standards of today, as if any of us would have been any more enlightened or morally superior had we lived in their day and age. And I know people will argue that Lestat SHOULD know better because he’s been alive for 200 + years and would be aware of the changing moral and social standards in that time. But, again, remember, Lestat has been a vampire for all that time, not a human being. The same moral and social standards which apply to all of us, wouldn’t and shouldn’t apply to him. He would have no cause to even pay attention to shifting moral standards over the centuries. There would be no point, as they would mean nothing to him, they wouldn’t have any impact or effect on his life, etc... There’s also the fact the woman invited Lestat back to her apartment specifically to have sex with him. She wanted to, and she plied him with wine beforehand, for over an hour, so that he was stinking drunk and couldn’t even walk on his own when she lead him back to her apartment. So it isn’t the sort of case where Lestat just raped some random woman off the street. This was a consensual sexual encounter which turned non-consensual. As is often the case with Lestat, he got carried away in the moment and didn’t think. There wasn’t any actual conscious malice behind it.

Secondly, the circumstances leading up to the rape were really, REALLY fucked up. Lestat was... not in a good place. He’s now in a human body, which, reading this chapter made clear, he was wholly, utterly, even tragically unprepared for. He got completely and horrifically bamboozled by Reglan James, left penniless, without any means of getting anywhere, or even getting any food. He’s basically in a total state of panic and completely terrified, as you would be suddenly being in the body of a weak, pitiful, and filthy mortal after spending the vast, VAST majority of your life as an extremely powerful, supernatural being. Lestat figures out that Reglan has duped him, taken all his money, left him without any food or clothes or means of travel, left in a house with a giant hole in the wall which exposes Lestat to the winter elements, which, again, he’s wholly unprepared to deal with, and he has no way to really get help even. Lestat is too terrified even to try and contact the other immortals he knows, because he knows how angry they’ll be at him for going through with this reckless insanity, that likely, they wouldn’t help him anyway, and may even try to punish him for it. So he’s alone, stuck in a body he scarcely knows how to use, experiencing all the awful sensations and bodily functions of being mortal which, again, he hasn’t known at all since he was 20 years old back in 1780. He’s scared shitless, and trying to rally himself to go out and do what he had hoped to do, which is experience what it’s like to once again be alive. He keeps telling himself to stop being a coward, to be the hero he set out to be by taking life’s difficulties in stride and continuing on through it, no matter how bad it gets.

So that’s what he tries to do. Even as the bleak and terrifying reality of the situation he’s gotten himself into starts to set in, he tries to rally through it with his usual hope and optimism, even convincing himself that Raglan WILL come back and give him back his body as promised, and he just has to make it through this one day as planned. Lestat is falling back on his old methods of denial to get himself through the horror of his situation, and you absolutely have to feel for him. It’s sad, it really is. My heart was breaking for him through this whole, awful sequence.

And with that, the truly fascinating and revealing part of all this comes to the fore. Lestat is, for the first time in more than 200 years, experiencing just how terrible it is to be a regular human being. He goes through things he hasn’t had to even think about in two centuries, like relieving himself, having to purge his body after he eats and drinks, feeling the filth and dirt clinging to his skin, which is porous and absorbent in a way he isn’t at all used to, being physically frail and vulnerable in a way he hasn’t known since he was 20 years old, feeling the fear of that vulnerability, experiencing things through senses which are greatly, almost inconceivably diminished. And that may be most crucial element of all in what ends up happening.

Lestat went into this endeavor having built up in his mind some idealized fantasy of what being human was like. He remembers it with the blinding sheen of nostalgia, (something we’re all guilty of) he associates it with a time in his life when he wasn’t as lonely, wasn’t as conflicted morally, when he felt he could still give meaning to his life through acts of good, instead of having to be faced with the crushing pointlessness of his life as a vampire. So he remembers the struggles of his youth with a romanticized luster. The winters in his home village in France are remembered with fondness and even longing. Yet in the present, in this mortal form, he’s faced with the absolute misery of being exposed to the elements without proper protection. He remembers the hunger and struggle for food as a heroic act, as a testament to his courage and strength as the person who would go hunting and provide food for his family, and protect his village, yet here he’s left without food and with no real way to get it, having no money, faced with sudden pangs of hunger he hasn’t felt in longer than can be conceived. He remembers his time with Nicki, them getting drunk together and the joy and hope he felt, even when it was a struggle to survive, just from being with his first, true love and best friend. But here he finds the wine has lost all taste and potency, the food tastes bland and disgusting. Indeed, everything around him seems to have lost its luster, its beauty, its meaning. And that’s really the crux of why what happens, happens, and why this is all so tragic.

Lestat didn’t at all account for how being in a mortal form again would rob the world of it’s beauty. He underestimated profoundly the impact of losing his vamipiric abilities, both in terms of staving off physical suffering, and in terms of how his vampiric abilities enhance the world around him, allowing him to see beauty in it that a mortal being is incapable of seeing.

His experience with the woman highlights this in the most awful way, really, because in his encounter with her, in this human form, he’s lost the ability to see and appreciate the beauty in another human being in the same way. Ironically, in a truly tragic irony, Lestat’s vampirism is, in it’s way, what allowed him to appreciate life as much as he did.

He’s been a vampire for so long, that he doesn’t at all remember what it’s like to be human, and how much suffering it actually entails. He had the same optimism as a mortal as he does as a vampire, of course. That was a trait Lestat was born with and carried over into his vampirism. It’s part of his personality, not a result of his being a vampire. And it could exist with him in his mortal body of so long ago because he was used to suffering. He was conditioned to it, and could handle it, his natural hope able to carry on through it. But Lestat isn’t at all used to that suffering any more. The suffering of being in a fragile, needy, weak mortal body. All of Lestat’s suffering as a vampire has been mental and emotional, based in concept and philosophy. His body is basically godlike, basically invulnerable and perfect. He’s forgotten what it is to suffer physically. And he’s hit full in the face with that suffering here, and he isn’t in the least way prepared for it. He wants desperately to revel in the sensations and experiences of being human again, as he remembered doing as a boy, but he finds it impossible, because he wasn’t at all prepared or ready for the actual hardship involved with being human. He’s too busy suffering to enjoy anything.

So now we come back to what happens with the woman from the cafe, and what I can see are the tragic consequences of how this will likely play out with Lestat’s character in the future.

Being thrust so suddenly back into the form of a mortal being, with senses incredibly dulled in comparison to what he’s grown used to, and plagued by the pathetic weakness and uselessness of the human form, being faced so suddenly with the merciless and brutal reality of what it is to be human, so totally unprepared and unsuspecting as he was, Lestat loses his appreciation for the beauty of humanity and the world, for the supposed sanctity of life and being alive, for the mystery and grandeur with which he saw the world through his vampiric eyes. Everything is at once a horrible experience. A sickening struggle and wretched disappointment. Everything seems to Lestat, suddenly, worthless and ordinary.

With tragic irony, it’s being in the form of a human being which robs Lestat of his humanity. Because being a vampire allowed Lestat to see things with so much clarity, so much focus, so much intensity and feeling, that the way things appear to him through mortal eyes is utterly devoid of any feeling, any beauty, any color or intensity. Everything seems dead to him, where before it seemed completely alive. Where before he saw things with the aesthetic value of his philosophy, now everything appears valueless.

He keeps looking at this woman and he can’t understand why she seems so ugly to him. She looks common and drab and unremarkable. And he’s aware that, were he himself, were he the vampire Lestat, he would see in her great beauty and value. He would find her noble and wonderful, the way he did the old woman at the beginning of the story. But he can’t see this woman that way anymore, because he’s looking at her through mortal eyes. The same way the entire world has lost its beauty to him. Not just this woman. Everything. The taste of food is horrible, the taste of alcohol is disgusting, his body feels repulsive to him and hopelessly weak, the experience of sex is short lived and limited, the sense of vulnerability and fear is suffocating, the feel of the horrid, outside and ugly world being able to effect and touch him is a nightmare.

Lestat feels horrible for what he did to this woman, and I believe his wish to somehow make it up to her is genuine. His apologies are genuine. His shame is genuine. But he’s also been so removed from humanity for so long, that he can no longer relate to her fear and horror of him, he can no longer understand why she reacted the way she did to what happened between them. He hasn’t been human in more than 200 years, and being in the body of a mortal has done nothing but remind him of how inhuman he really is. His feelings of remorse are real, but his ability to connect to her human suffering is gone. It’s why he doesn’t realize that stopping to make a phone call to one of his agents, right in the middle of apologizing to her and promising to make it up to her with some impossible gift, is so insulting and outrageous. He doesn’t relate to her as a human being any longer. He no longer even really knows what it is to be human.

“I tried to see her as if I were really Lestat. But I couldn’t do it. She appeared a common thing, utterly worthless, not even interesting. I was vaguely horrified. Had it been that way in my boyhood village? I tried to remember those girls, those girls dead and gone for centuries, but I couldn’t see their faces. What I remember was happiness, mischief, a great exuberance that had made me forget for intermittent periods the deprivation and hopelessness of my life.

What did that mean in this moment? How could this whole experience have been so unpleasant, so seemingly pointless? Had I been myself I would have found her fascinating as an insect is fascinating; even her little rooms would have appeared quaint to me, in their worst, most uninspiring details! Ah, the affection I always felt for all sad little mortal habitats. But why was that so!

And she, the poor being, she would have been beautiful to me simply because she was alive! I could not have been sullied by her had I fed on her for an hour. As it was, I felt filthy for having been with her, and filthy for being cruel to her. I understood her fear of disease! I, too, felt contaminated! But where lay the perspective of truth?”

He’s being forced to realize that there really is no going back to being a mortal man. That he can never regain what he once was when he was mortal. He forgot just how much lesser everything was for him as a human, how much less potent all his senses were, how much duller everything felt and tasted, how much of a struggle it was just to move and even think. His experiences with being a vampire, his abilities as a vampire, have rendered it impossible for him to ever appreciate life in the same way as a mortal. It isn’t that Lestat was like this when he was truly mortal. He wasn’t a monster. He just didn’t have anything else by which to measure his experiences back then. Everything seemed great and wondrous to him because there was nothing better that he knew. But having been a vampire for 200 years, what impressed and delighted and awed him as a mortal no longer is able to at all. Everything seems dreary and colorless and meaningless to him now as he looks at it with mortal eyes. Everything seems disgusting and pointless.

To go on, he remembers his sexual experiences with the girls of his home village as moments of genuine happiness, as moments when he could escape the general suffering, deprivation and hopelessness of his life. And Lestat, with this woman, tries with reckless desperation to recapture that feeling, that happiness. But nothing is the same. He’s drunk and cold and deeply uncomfortable and feeling repulsed by everything. When he walks into the bedroom and finds her naked and waiting for him, he feels nothing for her. He isn’t taken by her beauty, he isn’t interested in her, he feels none of the same exuberance that he remembers from his youth. He’s desperate to experience something, anything, that will live up to his memory of being a mortal man, because everything up to this point has been, not just a disappointment, but a nightmare of suffering and despair. And his experience with this woman starts out with the promise of maybe, finally being able to recapture the glittering memories of his mortality.

“Now, this was a pleasant sensation. I bent my head and kissed her throat. Yes, this was nice also. It was nothing as exciting as closing on a victim, but it was nice. I tried to remember what it had been like two hundred years ago when I was the terror of the village girls. Seems some farmer was always at the castle gates, cursing me and swinging his fist at me and telling me that if his daughter was with child by me, I’d have to do something about it! It had all seemed such wonderful fun at the time. And the girls, oh the lovely girls.”

“Suddenly her hand touched my organ, startling me, and then bringing about an immediate excitement. I felt the organ lengthen and grow hard. The sensation was entirely concentrated, and yet it galvanized me. When I looked at her breasts now, and down at the small fur triangle between her legs, my organ grew even more hard. Yes, I remember this all right; my eyes are connected to it, and nothing else matters now, hmmm, all right. Just get her down on the bed.”

Lestat gets lost in wanting the experience, for just this one experience, to live up to his memories of being mortal.

“But how far was this experience from what I had expected. Oh, ye gods. Here I was talking about thinking when I’d thought I would be enjoying! Ah, I’d thought I would be immersed in sensations, immersed in memories, immersed in discoveries; and now all I could do was think how to hold back!

The truth was, I’d envisioned pleasure, a variety of pleasures- eating, drinking, a woman in my bed, then a man. But none of what I’d experienced was even vaguely pleasurable so far.

Well, I was to blame for this shameful situation, and I could make it change.”

He approaches the problem with the same self-belief and optimism with which he approaches everything. This idea that if he just tries hard enough, he can make it good. Despite all evidence screaming in his face that this was a mistake and being mortal just sucks, he’s determined to make it work, convinced that the problem is just with him having a lack of courage. And being with this woman is the first experience he’s had all night that seems like it might just do it, might just give him the experience of being mortal he was looking for. But then, it’s anything but.

“The whole thing seemed overwhelmingly dismal. It filled me with despair. The pleasure itself had been nothing! I can’t bear this, I thought, not a moment longer. If I could have reached James, I would have offered him another fortune, just to return at once.”

I think it’s important within the context of ALL of this to judge Lestat’s actions, rather than just the actions alone. It’s easy to write Letat off as an irredeemable monster for what he does here, but that’s really too easy, I think, and fails to take into account the incredible complexity and nuance of why this happened, and why it has the effect on Lestat that it does.

Lestat says to her, after he realizes how he’s hurt her:

“Listen to me, ma chere, I’m so sorry. Things simply went wrong. I know. I’m sorry.”

She replies by trying to slap him, and says “Get out... Get out or I’ll call the police.”

“I understand what you’re saying to me. It’s been forever since I did it. I was clumsy. I was bad.”

“You’re worse than bad!”

This is really laying the foundation for Lestat sinking further into this self-image he has of his own monstrosity. He thought he could find redemption by becoming a mortal again. He thought he could recapture the innocence of his mortal life by switching into the body of a mortal man, that he could escape the monstrosity of what he had become. But instead, all being in the body of a mortal has accomplished is making him feel and act more inhuman, more removed from his humanity.

And you can see where this might lead, to Lestat relinquishing his fond memories of his mortality, his dreadful and horrific experiences now making him believe he was never happy as a mortal, that he must have misremembered and that being mortal was never any good, never a joy for him. Which, inevitably, will lead to a reinforcement of his belief that he’s always been a monster. That he’s always been a bad person who’s only happiness has ever come with him being a vampire, with him committing monstrous acts. He won’t realize that it isn’t that, but simply an inability to go back to what he once was because he’s been what he is for too long now.

You mix these awful experiences and realizations with Raglan James’ manipulations of him beforehand, and I can see how this is going to have a devastating impact on how Lestat sees himself in the future, and thus, how he acts. It’s truly, truly tragic.

#Lestat De Lioncourt #The Tale of the Body Theif #the vampire chronicles

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