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girlgenius1111 · 4 months

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don't let this darkness fool you

arsenal x young reader [platonic]

part 1 of 2?

cw for intense descriptions of depression and suicidal ideation. this is a really heavy one, so please don't read if you don't think you should. there are other fics, and reading this one isn't as important as you being okay <3

loosely based on the songs call your mom and growing sideways by noah kahan

- - - - -

There was a song lyric that had resonated with you since you'd heard it. It rattled around in your brain on bad days. Days like today.

"It's better to die numb than feel it all"

You thought of it now, as you sat, staring hard at the pill bottle in front of you. Your chest ached, deep within you. It was suffocating, feeling everything. You'd been fighting, gasping for air, for so long. The way out, the way to numbness, to freedom, was sitting right in front of you. All you had to do was take the pills.

Google told you it would be enough. That by the time anyone thought to check, it would be too late. You'd scrolled past the suicide hotline number to read the information. It hadn't even been an option to call it. If you were going to call anyone, it would be one of your teammates.

Not your family. It all came back to them, in the end. Every insecurity and fear you had trailed back through your past, to the people that had raised you. No, that was wrong. You'd raised yourself. They'd brought you into the world, but hadn't bothered themselves with making your world a place worth existing in. Too busy drinking, fighting, making each other miserable.

Briefly, you wondered if they would feel guilty when they heard. You supposed they would. It wasn't enough, though, retroactive guilt. They couldn't undue what they'd caused. Even if they stood in front of you, begged you to stay, you were sure their words would have little effect on you.

Your mind flashed to your real family, your team. The thought of them did fill you with guilt. It was an uncomfortable feeling, and you shut your eyes tightly, fighting back against the images of their faces when they heard.

You could make your peace with most of it, honestly. The only thing that you didn't think you could deal with, though, was them blaming themselves. You knew they would, that was the kind of people they were. A note wouldn't be enough, you decided. Written words wouldn't be as convincing as your voice, promising that it wasn't their fault.

Looking back, you would wonder if you were ever really going to do it. Calling Beth like that, you had to have considered that she'd answer. the only thing you could come up with was that you didn't really want to die, not really. You wanted help, and you didn't know how to ask for it, weren't sure if you'd be able to.

Regardless, you dialed Beth's number, deciding on her because you knew she went to bed early. In was only midnight, and if you called anyone else, there was a chance they'd still be awake. You should have known Beth would sleep with her ringer on, though. It was the kind of thing she'd do, always concerned with the people around her, always reminding them to reach out if they needed her.

When she answered, you were frozen, not sure what to say. A part of you wanted to hang up, take the pills as fast as you could. The other wanted to cry, beg for help. The second part was just so tired; you stayed silent.

"Hello? Y/n, are you there?"

You must have made a sound, because Beth's voice lost it's sleepy tint, and she seemed much more awake.

"Y/n, are you okay?"

"No," you responded, all but forcing the word out of your lips. It was amazing, how she could tell that something was wrong, from so little information.

"What's going on, kiddo?" she asked kindly. It made tears prick your eyes. It had been a while since you had cried, and you were surprised. You weren't really sure how to answer her, though, the one word you'd uttered having been hard enough as it was.

"Y/n, honey, what's going on?" Beth asked again, and you heard Viv's voice faintly from the background, asking for the phone. There was some shuffling, and then Viv's firm voice was hitting your ear.

"Y/n, I need you to tell me what's happening," Viv demanded. She was smart- you didn't need soft right now. You needed someone to tell you exactly what to do, not ask.

"I'm not okay," you managed. You realized you were shaking, your teeth chattering over every word. "I need help."

Viv pulled the phone away from her ear, speaking to Beth before answering you. You don't know if she meant for you to hear or not.

"Call Leah, call Katie, they both live over there. Tell them to get to y/n's as soon as possible." The Dutch woman pulled the phone back to her ear then. "Y/n, Beth and I are coming to you. We're gonna help you, okay?"

"Okay," you replied softly. You were surprised, when the only thing you felt was relief.

"You're at home, right?"

"Yeah."

"Can you tell me if you're safe, physically?"

"I'm not hurt. I haven't taken anything yet," you tell her, mind too jumbled to realize you'd said yet.

"What do you have in front of you?" she asked, her tone returning the the firm one from before. You told her, reading the long name off the bottle. You heard Beth curse from next to her, speaking faster and more frantically into her own phone.

"Don't move, y/n. Stay right there, Leah is going to be there in just a minute."

Sure enough, your attention was pulled away from the phone, really from the bottle in front of you, but whatever, when your door unlocked. Leah had a key. You'd forgotten. Her eyes were wild when she rushed in, searching for you. She was wearing her pajamas, and you realized Beth had probably woken her. Somewhere in your brain, you considered making a joke about the Arsenal pajama pants she was wearing, but you realized you had lost the ability to speak. Leah had arrived fast, though, even though she lived only a few minutes walk from you. She must have run.

"Hey, buddy," Leah said cautiously, and you heard 2 sighs of relief at Leah's voice over the phone. You sat, unmoving, as Leah approached you, taking the bottle off the table where it sat, and carried it into the kitchen, still in sight of you. She unscrewed the cap, and you watched as she dumped the bottle down the drain, running the water to ensure every little pill floated away, out of your reach.

Again, you only felt relief.

Leah returned, taking a seat next to you, and grabbing the phone out of your tight grip. You weren't really paying attention to her, lost in your head, but the soft words she spoke to Beth and Viv calmed you, if only slightly.

Someone's hand was on your knee, and you turned your head to see Katie kneeling next to you. You weren't sure when she'd arrived.

Your body felt like it was caving in on itself; something about Katie's expression, filled with so much fear, forced you to see the reality of what had happened, how close you'd come. Maybe that should have been the scariest thing, but it wasn't. Instead, you thought about how your teammates knew now. There was no excuse you could give that would explain what had happened tonight. It was a horrifying realization; that you couldn't hide how bad it was anymore.

Katie was speaking to you, her lips were moving, but you couldn't process what she was saying. It was like the volume in the room had been turned down, and the sound of your blood pulsing in your ears was all you could hear. You forced yourself to move, to do anything, and your shaking hand covered hers, gripping tightly.

It was all you could manage, really. Somehow, Katie knew what you needed. She moved to sit on your other side, wrapping her strong arms around your body, pulling you into her. You went limply, allowing yourself to collapse into her. You squeezed your eyes shut, trying to breathe, trying to think. You wanted to be anywhere else.

All of a sudden, you wished you'd done it. When you opened your eyes, you'd have to face it. Fight it. You'd been trying, and you knew your friends wouldn't allow you to stop. You'd missed your chance, and a part of you felt like it was shattering at the idea of having to keep going.

Hands were cupping your face, encouraging you to open your eyes. You complied, tears falling rapidly once you did. Katie was looking at you, and you could kind of hear her again, telling you to breathe. You hadn't realized you had been holding your breath. You inhaled a shuddering breath, before exhaling.

"One breath at a time, y/n, come on," Katie was saying. At her prompting, you breathed in again, hands clenching into fists as you stumbled to your feet. You weren't sure where you were going, you just needed to go. Katie and Leah were standing too, looking panicked, and Katie grabbed your wrist as you tried to head for the door. You wrenched free, stumbling on unsteady legs towards the door. Realistically, Leah and Katie would have stopped you.

They didn't need to. In through the door you were approaching came Beth and Viv. Your exit was blocked, even though you weren't really sure why you were trying to leave. It was like some part of your brain thought if you removed yourself from the situation, the feelings would fade. Instead, you fell to your knees, hands wrapping around your own abdomen, like you were trying to hold yourself together.

You didn't have the energy to hold yourself up anymore, evidently, because you were falling forward, and someone was catching you. You weren't sure you'd taken a breath since Katie had last reminded you to, because the world around you was closing in, blackening along the edges, and then there was nothing.

-----

You became aware of a soft hand pushing hair back from your forehead first. The cushions of your couch under you. Your friends were talking amongst themselves, about you it seemed. You were calmer now, thank god. You could breath again, and your brain had returned to it's regular state; somewhere between depressed and agonized, but nowhere near where you'd been minutes ago.

"Did she say if something happened?" you heard Katie ask, accent thicker than normal.

"No, she didn't say anything, really. Just that she wasn't okay, and that she needed help." Beth responded, her voice much closer to you. The hand on your head must have been hers.

Both of your teammates sounded anxious, so you forced your eyes open blinking up at Beth's face above you.

"Hey, kid," she said, her hand not stopping the motions on your forehead.

"Hi," you replied, voice all scratchy. You moved to sit up, swinging your feet to rest on the ground instead of where they lay in Leah's lap. it was quiet in the room, and you hated how all of them looked at you so apprehensively. You'd never liked when people worried about you, and this wasn't any different.

Wordlessly, Viv handed you a glass of water, and you took it, gulping it down because you were thirsty, and also because you weren't really sure what to say.

"What happened?" Leah asked softly. You dropped your eyes to the floor. Lying wouldn't do anything, you knew that. Still, the impulse to push them out was there.

"I don't know," you replied, somewhat honestly. Your tone reflected your feelings, though, and Beth sighed next to you, sensing you trying to force your walls back up.

"That's not going to work, y/n," Katie said. You looked up, then, meeting everyone's eyes. There was a determination there.

"I really don't know," you repeated, but you allowed yourself to breathe deeply, before speaking again. "Nothing happened, I was just tired. I'm really tired."

They nodded in understanding. They knew what tired meant in this context. Not the kind that sleep could fix, though you tried. The kind that sunk into you, gripped your soul in it's tight fist, and squeezed. Until you barely had the energy to move. Until all you could think about was doing what you'd almost done.

"You need help." Beth stated, almost like she was expecting a fight from you on it. She was surprised, then, when you nodded in response.

"I know," you paused. "I'm sorry."

You were apologizing for a lot; for acting miserable in the past few months. For ruining their respective nights. For being so difficult. A part of you was also apologizing that you'd called at all. Wouldn't it have been easier, so much easier, if you'd just done it?

"Don't say sorry. You called, you asked for help. That's all that really matters." Leah told you.

You recognized that maybe it wouldn't have been easier for them. Giving up was perhaps easier than trying to get better; for you at least. Right now. For them, though, they'd rather help you, a thousand times over, than lose you.

And help you, they would.

-----

honestly not really sure about the ending of this? feel like there could be a part 2 if you guys wanted, so i left it open for that if people are interested

also. writing this was a lot. reading it is probably a lot too. hope it serves as a reminder that there are people that need you, and the world is better with you in it. i know it doesn't always feel like it, but what you're feeling is temporary. it will get better.

#woso #woso imagine #woso x reader #arsenal wfc x reader #leah williamson x reader #beth mead x reader #vivianne miedema x reader #katie mccabe x reader

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noproofread · 3 months

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The Boy Who Could Fly

"I guess I never should've loved you. But I'll do forever 'cause you loved me"

inspired and influenced by a pierce the veil song of the same name (the first of many fics inspired by their music)

angsty, fluffy, drinking. reader is sad about one sided feelings, drinks a little too much and accidentally reveals thoughts.

cw / tw: implied thoughts of suicide

word count: 1,508

masterlist here

btw if anyone wants me to tag them in my work pls let me know :)

The night was dark, only illuminated by the light emanating from the stars and the moon. A cool breeze blew through you, goosebumps formed down your arms and you instinctively wrapped your own arms around yourself to gather warmth as you walked. Your captain offered you the bottle of liquor he was holding, stating that it would warm you up. You took it in your hand, feeling the heat dissipating from your body for a moment as you took a swig from the bottle. The bitter yet sweet taste of the liquor coated your tongue as it passed down your throat. You winced as it went down. He was right, the warmth started in your chest and it enveloped your body slowly. You took a couple more swigs before handing the bottle back to your captain. His fingers brushed against yours briefly as he took the bottle back, chuckling. A blush crept on your cheeks as you looked at him, hoping he would associate the red color on your face to the alcohol and not him. Although you would never say anything, you loved your captain. You were sure the crew knew, you were never good at hiding your emotions. Your face always gave you away. You were not sure he knew. He never acknowledged it, never commented on it, never joked about it. As far as you were aware, there was not a chance that he could ever reciprocate your feelings. It hurt but you tried to move past it. He was your captain, and that’s all he would be.

Only this night felt different. He felt kinder, closer somehow. He looked at you, his face flushed due to the liquor and the cool breeze. “Everything okay?” He questioned. His eyes met yours, yet they seemed hollow. Like part of him was there and the other part was too intoxicated to focus. You grabbed the bottle from his hand, drinking the remnants of it. He chuckled at your actions, unaware that you did it in order to wash away the knot you felt forming in your throat. “All good” You said. Law wrapped an arm around you as his chuckle turned into a laugh. Your heart pounded in your chest so hard you felt it in your ears. You heard nothing but the sound of the waves, the seagulls, and your captain’s drunken laugh. You reached for his hand, his hand that was draped around your neck and hanging over your shoulder. You grabbed it. Much to your surprise, he did not pull away. Your mind had a million thoughts racing through it, you kept telling yourself not to overthink. You could try other gestures to verify if he felt the same way you felt but you didn’t want to. You didn’t want to ruin the seemingly perfect relationship you had with him.

The walk was cut short as you reached the hotel your crew was staying in. Law retracted his arm and took a couple steps back. You felt the absence of his heat as the cool air hit your skin once again. He looked at you, smiling. You smiled back, completely forgetting the sadness that surrounded your feelings for him. “Do you want me to walk you to your room? You didn’t drink much but you are a known lightweight.” As the words left his lips you felt the effects of the alcohol take control of your being. Suddenly, as if on command, your legs felt wobbly and your face numb. Your vision became slightly blurry and you felt heavy. You nodded yes as you leaned towards your captain, prompting him to catch you. You body flushed against him, you felt him chuckle. Law grabbed your arm, throwing it around his neck as he supported you. His right hand placed on your hip as he guided you down the small hallway to your room. You had never been so physically close to him.

He opened the door to your room. “Can you walk in on your own?” He asked in a hushed voice. You were so close to him you felt his breath in your ear and chills ran through your body. You shook your head no. “Carry me.” You replied. If liquor was good for anything, it was silencing your mind. The filter you had that kept you from saying every first thought you had out loud was temporarily gone. Law laughed softly, letting go of your hip as he bent down and picked you up. You wrapped your arms around his neck as he carried you into your room. “You’re so attractive Captain.” The words fell from your lips with a slight slur. You could hear yourself but you could not stop yourself. He said nothing as he let you down on your bed. “I keep pretending that I don’t have feelings for you but I have soooo many feelings.” You extended your arms outward, emphasizing the “so” as you collapsed onto your bed. Law simply draped a blanket over you. He felt himself sobering up the more you confessed. “I know you don’t love me, and that’s okay.” You continued. Your voice flowed out of you like a pond connected to the ocean. There was no stopping it now, you were not conscious enough to stop it. You grabbed Law’s hand, preventing him from walking out of the room. “Just know that when I die, I’ll be happy knowing that you cared for me at least as a crewmate.” Tears threatened to fall from your eyes, you took a deep breath in an attempt to hold them back.

Law looked at you with concern, but didn’t interrupt you. “I have thought of what your life would be like if I was gone. It probably wouldn't change much but I can never do it because I want to see you everyday. It’s selfish but it’s true” The tears you were holding back began to fall without your consent. Law bit his lip, watching you break in front of him. He cupped your face and wiped away your tears with his thumb. He looked into your eyes as you hiccupped for air. You noticed how the light from the window behind you reflected in his eyes, making them sparkle. Water gathered around his yellow eyes, making them appear like stained glass. They were beautiful. He took a deep breath. “Get some rest, we’ll talk in the morning.” His voice was low and soft as he cradled your head and laid you down on your bed. You closed your eyes and drifted off to sleep as you felt the room spin around you.

You awoke to the sun peeking through your window, hitting your face. You slowly sat up, squinting your eyes as you began to feel every part of your body. You became aware of the pounding in your head as your eyes began to open fully and focused on your surroundings. You saw Law sitting on the couch in the corner of your room. A sudden flux of anxiety hit you as you remembered what you said the night prior. He was looking out the window before he noticed you were awake. He got up and walked towards you quietly. His face was serious, much like it is most of the time. You looked down at your hands that were gripping the blanket. He sat on your bed and placed his hands on yours. “Look at me,” he whispered. You did. “You remember what you told me?” He asked, his eyes fixated on yours. Your body felt hot as your heartbeat quickened. You nodded yes.

“You said I didn’t love you. That isn’t true.” Your eyes widened, a deep blush washing over your cheeks. “You said my life wouldn’t change if you were gone. That isn’t true.” He continued, squeezing your hands and pulling them close to his chest allowing you to feel the beating of his heart. It was beating almost as fast as yours. “You said you were selfish. That isn’t true.” He scooted closer to you, taking one hand and placing it on your cheek. His thumb caressed you as he looked into your eyes. “I need you to know that you make me a better captain. A better person.” His tone was gentle and a smile tugged at his lips. “I’d be nothing without you.” Your mouth opened slightly in disbelief at what you were hearing. You were so convinced that he would never feel this way, and here he was telling you the opposite. He placed a soft kiss on your forehead and pulled you in for a hug. The kind of hug that enveloped your whole body and was not broken until you were ready to let go. And when you were ready, you pulled away. Tears pricked at your eyes as you smiled. They were happy tears. He wiped your tears away and smiled at you. “Let’s cure that hangover of yours” Law spoke softly, grabbing your hands once more and giving them a small squeeze.

#one piece #one piece fic #x reader #trafalgar d law x reader #trafalgar law #law x reader #trafalgar law x reader

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underthetree845 · 6 months

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Pocky Game? (have you ever heard of the...)

Dazai Osamu/Reader (oneshot)

Cws: gn! reader (he calls you "Belladonna" and "Beautiful" but gender is not explicitly stated), ada dazai, flirting, (one) mention of suicide because it's Dazai, mutual pining because I'm such a sucker for it, office love, pocky game, dazai osamu needs a hug, dazai being a (loveable) piece of work

About 1.5k words

Summary: Dazai and Reader play the pocky game in the office of the Armed Detective Agency.

A/n: In case anyone gets confused, the song reference is to I Want It That Way by Backstreet Boys. I can't believe I actually kept that joke in there. Anyways, I've never written for this trope before and I wanted to try, so I ended up with this!

He’s such a goddamn tease.

Always has been.

With those big brown eyes, so deep yet so sharp. Like some cruel joke, the longer you stare the more difficult it gets to look away.

He knows the way your knees go weak when he brushes his hand along your spine. He knows you nearly can’t stand it when he drops his voice an octave and utters words far too close to your ear for you to comprehend the actual meaning of. Those coffee-colored eyes observe every detail of your reaction, then file it all away in that bewildering mind for god knows what reason.

So how, you wonder, did you ever end up with those eyes mere centimeters away from your own, the glint in them paired with a mischievous curl of his lips?

“Y/n-san!~” an all too familiar voice bursts through the office door. The tall man takes long strides up to meet you, sitting down with a plop in his office chair right across from yours. He wheels it out to the side, you hear something shuffling as he slips it into his pocket.

Kunikida would’ve condemned you for the stoicism you displayed. Finally, when Dazai bumps his seat into yours, you turn to look at him with a long, unfazed sigh.

“Dazai, I wanted to stay alone in the office during lunch so I could finish up a report, remember?” you remind him, hands still hovering over the keys of your computer.

“Let’s play a game,” he suggests, equally unfazed as he stares at you with a grin.

“The answer is no,” you turn back to your screen, just barely missing the start of a pout on his lips.

“But why?” he leans forward.

“No.”

“Y/n-san!”

“Dazai,” your tone is hard.

“Tell me why,” he insists, blinking those stupid brown eyes up at you like some kind of lost puppy.

“I need to finish this because someone didn’t complete their half of the report for the field job we did yesterday,” you remind him sternly.

He pauses for a moment before, very quietly, ever so softly, you hear, “Ain’t nothing but a heartache~”

“Oh,” you loudly scoff, “I think I’m actually going to kill you.”

Dazai’s mouth quirks into a grin.

“Ain’t nothing but a mistake,” he continues, that stupidly charming smile growing on his lips.

“Dazai,” you shove his shoulder, not being able to help the chuckle that slips from your throat.

“And I never wanna hear you say,” the brunette theatrically sings into an invisible microphone before holding it out to you. You make eye contact and a sigh leaves your lips.

“...That I want it that way,” you finish sheepishly. Dazai didn’t miss the faint dusting of pink on your cheeks.

“Ah~” he falls against the back of his chair with a dreamy sigh and a clenched hand over his chest, “my Belladonna is so talented.”

You almost blushed at the nickname.

He’s just a flirt, you’ve heard him use that same term with countless others, you remind yourself.

“Yeah yeah,” you reply. Dazai watches as you lean back in your chair again and cross your arms, but you don’t turn back to your desk.

“I promise the game won’t take long,” he adds, and you let out a sigh.

“Fine, one round,” you hold up a finger and Dazai grins.

He hums, “Whatever you say, Beautiful,” pushing his chair forward so that the two of you are face to face. Your knees touch and he rests on his elbows. If you both leaned forward just a little more you’d probably-

Anyway.

“I’m sure it won’t last long, I’ll probably beat you without even breaking a sweat,” the detective says comfortably.

“As if,” you let out a huff; he has to restrain himself from cooing at the face you make when he gets under your skin.

“Is that a challenge?” he replies with a raised eyebrow, “You want to win?”

“Against you? Any day,” you make sharp eye contact and Dazai forces himself to ignore the stir in his chest.

“Alright then,~” his voice is smooth, his long fingers sliding the box out of his pocket. “Y/n-san, have you ever heard of the pocky game?” Dazai holds the pink box up next to his face, tilts his head to the side, and your heart nearly stops.

“I- what?” your eyes widen. You can feel blood rush to your cheeks. “You want to play the pocky game… with me?”

“That is what I’m suggesting,” he gives you a close-eyed smile.

“Well, I mean,” you trail off, wanting to curse the softness in your tone.

“Are you not up for it?” he says sadly, “Bella, you promised me at least one round, remember?” This man is going to hell.

“Okay,” you sigh, hoping your nervousness doesn’t bleed through your expression, “Just one round.”

“Of course, one round is all I need.”

Dazai opens the package and takes a singular strawberry-coated stick out. He holds it like a cigarette between two fingers, you internally roll your eyes when he gives himself the frosted end.

“Ready?” there’s a glint in his eyes as he hovers the pocky between your faces.

“Why wouldn’t I be?” you reply, clenching your hands together in your lap.

Dazai lets out a chuckle but says nothing more.

In the next moment, both of your lips are on the pocky, a mere sixteen centimeters apart.

You make eye contact and Dazai keeps his gaze steady but is unable to help the way his pupils dilate at the closeness. You notice, but shake it off. Probably just a refocus due to proximity. I wonder if my eyes did the same thing.

You stare back, and with a non-verbal affirmation, the nibbing starts.

It’s dead quiet in the office, you glance at the clock and exhale in relief when you see that there are still fourteen minutes left in lunch. If anyone were to walk in, you think you might actually jump out the window.

How did it even come to this? You wonder. The brunette’s persuasive powers would never cease to amaze you. You could never tell if it was his grin, demeanor, the way he walked, or the look in his eyes that got to you. Maybe it was everything.

On the flip side, Dazai could talk for hours about everything about you. He’d always found you charming, ever since you started working at the agency. He flirted, gave you sweet nicknames, held your hand delicately as he asked you to partake in a double suicide with him. Most others would lose patience after a while and resort to giving him the cold shoulder; disregard him, not that he expected any less. You, on the other hand, for some incomprehensible reason, never stopped looking at him like he might be worth something. You treated his wounds after a rough mission, told him to get home safely, covered for him when he wanted to nap, you even took him to a spicy curry place for his birthday knowing it was his favorite. He found himself craving the warmth you showed, any attention at all. He began to observe. He watched your reactions, tried to press your buttons, everything he could think of that would usually drive people away. Why you seemingly haven’t given up on him yet is something he cannot grasp, but hopes to one day understand.

Such a man so capable of love yet tainted by the world to walk the tightrope between life and death.

Eyes like two pools, drowning you, endlessly deep, slowly inching closer and closer. You can feel his breath fanning over your lips, and goosebumps rise on the back of your neck.

You’re struggling to balance the pocky between your lips now, each of your actions minuscule and calculated. A little bit closer. What if we actually meet in the middle? Almost there. Do I want this? Barely an inch left. Does he want this too?

The pocky snaps, and in the next moment, you’re left with part of the treat sticking out of your mouth while Dazai pulls back and swallows his half. The ghost of a smile resides in his eyes, you stare for a moment before finishing your half and sputtering out a sentence.

“W-what was that Dazai?” you question, embarrassment burning on your cheeks. “I thought… I…” you slowly go silent, barely having the nerve to stare at him as he rises and leads his chair back around to his own desk.

“Pulling away is an automatic loss,” he replies with a complacent smile, hands resting in his pockets, “I thought you wanted to win, no?”

You sit there, nothing but dumbfounded as the detective saunters his way out of the office space. “Enjoy finishing your report Belladonna!~” he calls, casting you a glance over his shoulder before the office door shuts behind him.

You glance at the box of strawberry pocky left on your desk.

Such a goddamn tease.

A/n: Thank you for reading! This was my first time writing for him so I hope it was okay. I just wanted to try something simple.

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sugolara · 1 year

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𝐖𝐞𝐥𝐜𝐨𝐦𝐞 𝐓𝐨 𝐓𝐡𝐞 𝐍𝐞𝐰 𝐖𝐨𝐫𝐥𝐝

Feat. Katsuki Bakugo x Shoto Todoroki x Izuku Midoriya x fem! reader

A series. Book One

cw: gore, quirkless! au, apocalypse! au, zombie! au, weapons, death, angst, lots and lots of blood, cannibalism, suicidal thoughts, updates thursday/sunday, slow burn, cross-posted on ao3, wattpad, qoutev

˗ˏˋ+ ´ˎ˗ After a deadly virus leaks all over the world, every country is forced to close down it's borders and airports to prevent anyone from coming in and out. Though, it's to late for some people. The dead has rose and is looking for revenge.

Inspired by, ''The Walking Dead''

(ongoing)

playlist!

" Space Junk - Wang Chung " Wolf - First Aid Kit " Into The Black - Chromatics " My Life In Rewind - Eagulls " Hush - Trills " Bad Before Good - Dayone " Run Boy Run - Woodkid " You're So Cool - Jonathan Bree " So Bored - Gorgeous Bully " Operations - Duster " Blue Light - Mazzy Star " Civilian - Wye Oak " Can't Stop - Red Hot Chili Peppers " Sweet Child O' Mine - Guns N' Roses " Skyfall - Adele " Struggling Man - Emily Kinney (original: Jimmy Cliff) " The Last Pale Light In The West - Ben Nichols " Up The Wolves - The Mountain Goats " Blackbird Song - Lee DeWyze " Be Gone Dull Cage - Kiev " Into Dust - Mazzy Star " Warm Shadow - Fink " Tomorrow Is a Long Time - Bob Dylan " Poison Tree - Grouper " Rhymes Of An Hour - Mazzy Star " You Are The Wilderness - Voxhaul Broadcast " Running - Delta Spirit " People, Turn around - Delta Spirit " The Lion's Roar - First Aid Kit " Pain - Boy Harsher " The Setup - Favored Nations " The Old Death - Ben Nichols " Revolution - Red Shahan " The Man Who Sold The World - Nirvana " Beautiful Mess - Balian " The Day The World Went Away - Nine Inch Nails " Mr. Splitfoot - Paris Motel " Empty Words - Bowery Electric " No Longer Making Time - Slowdive " Step Away from the Cliff - Blue-Eyed Son " Paradise - Silverberg " Take Care (To Comb Your Hair) - Ty Segall " Glad I Had a Friend - Galt MacDermot " Machine Gun - Portishead " Shadows of Planes - Duster " No Peace at All - Aldous Harding " Save Us from Ourselves - Digital Daggers " I'm No Heroine - Emily Wells " Salt in the Wound - Delta Spirit " It's All Right - Sam Cooke " To Build a Home - The Cinematic Orchestra " 6 Underground - Sneaker Pimps " Edge Of The World - Dayshell " Bye Bye Bye - School of Seven Bells " Arsonist Lullaby - Hozier " It's All Over - Johnny Cash " The Stars Just Blink For Us - Say Hi " Love Will Tear Us Apart - Joy Division " Knockin' On Heaven's Door - Guns N' Roses " Runnin' Down a Dream - Tom Petty " Fly Like An Eagle - Steve Miller Band " You Are Not Alone - Mavis Staples " Welcome - Harmonia & Eno ‘76’ " Hope We Can Again - Nine Inch Nails " outside - Oneheart " sleepless - Odyzon " Alesund - Sun Kil Moon " Comfortably Numb - Pink Floyd " Don Abandons Alice - John Murphy " Wicked Game - Chris Isaak " Rule of Rose OST - Playing Airship " 1908 - Repulsive " I Shall Cross This River - The Black Atlantic " Easy Way Out - Low Roar

table of contents:

Season 1: Episode 1: Begin Episode 2: Not alone Episode 3: Gone but not forgotten Episode 4: You belong in this world Episode 5: Because all life is precious Episode 6: Musutafu, we'll meet again Episode 7: Izuku: I'd always thought there be more time

Season 2: Episode 8: During these two weeks Episode 9: Diopside, like your eyes Episode 10: For the first time in a long time Episode 11: Almost complete Episode 12: Determined to survive, stay alive Episode 13: Fear Episode 14: Katsuki: You are going to beat this world

Season 3: Episode 15: Away with you Episode 16: Three months ago Episode 17: Slowly withering away Episode 18: Don't die, not yet Episode 19: How long before I’m alone Episode 20: Nothing else to lose Episode 21: Shoto: Everything you would be will be gone

Season 4: Episode 22: Trouble Episode 23: For however long that'll be Episode 24: Searching Episode 25: The fallen city Episode 26: Stay who you are Episode 27: All together Episode 28: F/n: With you beside me

Season 5: Episode 29: Here Episode 30: Cruel Episode 31: Too loud Episode 32: Back on road Episode 33: All is lost Episode 34: Safe in your arms Episode 35: And so it begins Episode 36: At stake Episode 37: Sorry or whatever Episode 38: Familiar eyes

Season 6: Episode 39: A relief Episode 40: Upcoming trouble Episode 41: Never to easy Episode 42: To good for death Episode 43: Old memories Episode 44: A stroke of luck Episode 45: Be aware Episode 46: Bait Episode 47: A thump in my heart Episode 48: Belong to me Episode 49: One step closer (Towards you)

Season 7: Episode 50: Sorston Episode 51: Tenderness Episode 52: Here to stay Episode 53: The start Episode 54: Crushed Episode 55: Reporting to duty Episode 56: Good morning and goodbye Episode 57: An end to sorrow, grief & regret Episode 58: On the move Episode 59: Confirmation Episode 60: The world was on fire and no one could save me but you

Season 8: Episode 61: Not who you were Episode 62: Just you and me

to be continued...

Book two: To The One You Left Behind

taglist: @mikeyswifie @k0z3me @sky-angel101 @stevenknightmarc @nahwajinswhore @mn-0p @a-helen113 @azrral @mary-jinx @chixkadee @flowers-4-you

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skzpixiekaifei · 2 months

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For my youth interview

Cw: Dark!! Mentions of past abus*ve relationship(physical and sexual), suicidal attempts, past pedophilia(kai was the victim), mentions of infertility, drinking problems, let me know if there is any I missed

Taglist: @mynameisnotlaura

Px: Annyeong! My name is Pixie from straykids, but you may call me Kai. (She waves at the camera and blows it kisses)

Q: What is "For my youth" about?

Px: For my youth... it's a very raw, emotional part of myself. I try and make sure my image before now is the silly kind, I hate seeing anyone in pain or sad, so I don't like showing my emotions other than positive ones.

Px: I never had a good grasp of emotions growing up. My childhood was cut short because of me becoming a trainee, and I was not able to come to terms with my emotions through puberty. While other trainees at least had some semblance of a social life, I was always training or too busy teaching others to actively partake in regular emotional stability.

Px: so in a way, For my Youth is therapy?(She laughs) it's basically a love letter to myself.

Q: Who is the ex you talk about in your songs?

Px: Oh my (she blushes, holding her cheek, embarrassed) he was my first relationship I had. I was fifteen and he was... late into being nineteen?

Px: Don't look at me like that. So many people look at me with pity when I tell them that, and I hate being regarded with pity. (She sighs)

Px: It was... not a good relationship. We fought constantly. We were both jealous of the other's time away. I would be training with Chan and he would get so... angry. I had threatened the girls he was talking to, it was not a fun thing. I felt so.. ugly when I was with him.

Px: He had a massive drinking problem. Some days he would come to the dorm and...(her eyes glossed over at the memory) ...I'd rather not speak of it.

Px: Whenever I was able to have my phone, he would only let me talk to him. He was able to talk to whoever he wanted, but I was lucky if I was even allowed to talk to my mother once a month. The relationship lasted a year and I was only able to talk to my parents... about a collective two times? One during Easter and one during Chuseok.

Px: (she clears her throat) Back then, I was so blinded by love of this... man. He was so sweet one minute, and then he would be violent. I can't tell you how many times he forced himself upon me, that now it's hard to say whether I would be able to have kids (she laughs bitterly) which really sucks because my dream was to be a mother. (She tilts her head back to avoid the tears to fall)

Q: Why did you include a song such as Bullet in For my Youth

Px: Ah, Bullet... it was originally supposed to be a Stray Kids song but we decided not to because of the very dark concept it had. I still have the demo of the us singing it together (she laughs softly)

Px: I wrote it before I joined JYP at thirteen. I was twelve and I really enjoyed listening to bands like MCR and Guns and Roses. It was the time where I would hurt myself, I still have the scars from the time. Not physically but...

Px: The second time I revised it was back in 2022, right after my second attempt. I was so depressed after my parents passing that I didn't even think about the effect it would have on my family and especially my brother. I was very depressed, I think the most I was in my life. I blame myself, y'know. And don't say it wasn't, because they wouldn't have died if that guy wasn't a "fan" of mine.

Px: I think that's the irony of Bullet. The happy tone of me singing shows how us idols, especially women, have to be all happy on the outside while we all have problems.

Q: What is the biggest message you want people to take away from your album?

Px: funny answer or serious answer? (She pauses) serious answer? That you can overcome anything. You are much stronger than you look, and you may be the reason a friend is still with you today. Don't make your past your present, and don't ever make it your future. You are so much more than your past.

Bonus:

Px: Funny answer? Capitalise your trauma and cry on company time. (Winks)

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1moremilgram-enjoyer · 6 months

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Mahiru T1 Cover - Psychogram

Here's your pal back again with another cover analysis! Am I getting annoying yet? Mahiru time let's go! Psychogram's a cool song, really unique sounding! And, because Mahiru actually has a lover to sing this to, it makes it easier to connect the song to her!

... We just, you know, have to make sure we don't accidentally make her sound like an irredeemabe insane person. I swear it's not as bad as it looks, believe me, please-

CW Murder and mentioned suicide, abusive and toxic relationships.

So... Psychogram is about a girl who fits the 'yandere' trope, I don't think there's a better way to put it.

I love you so much You're too wonderful, I don't want to let anyone else have you Hey, if not me, who would you choose? Come on, don't be scared It's just a fable, a what-if If you won't answer, then I don't need you

I've had enough of apologies Just keep smiling like that forever Don't make me worry; this hard goodbye Will never happen again I love you so much I dreamed of being together, just the two of us Don't run away anymore, I'll protect you I'll toy with all the things that get in our way, One after another It's all for you, I don't need anyone else

(Translation)

"Toying with the things that get in our way" may sound weird, possibly due to translation issues, but essentially it means she will easily deal with anything standing in the way of 'their' love, as if they're just playthings.

The word 'psychogram' doesn't really have a consistent definition, but the most applicable is that it's something which describes the mental functioning of an individual. It's used two times in the song.

It was always going to end this way Is your color changing because I touched you? From your open mouth, a face appears A sweet, sweet psychogram

The first verse has the singer claiming she can see her love interest's 'psychogram' just from their words ("open mouth"), in other words, believing she always understood her partner's emotions perfectly or something along those lines. That's why "it was always going to end this way", because "their color changed when the protagonist touched them", which I believe would imply blushing. Basically, she thinks her interest has always been in love with her.

It's so heavy, it gives me a shock Come on, tie me up tightly You'd better eat every last bite Of the sweet, sweet psychogram

The other case has the singer offering her partner her own psychogram to 'eat', meaning she wants them to accept her as she is. And I'm choosing to strategically ignore the "tie me up tightly" line.

And just in case you're worried I'm reading the lyrics uncharitably, the song ends with the singer killing the other.

I love you so much You're too wonderful, I don't want to let anyone else have you Hey, if not me, who would you choose? Come on, don't be scared It's just a fable, a what-if You won't answer, huh? You're disgusting Come on, don't be scared I'll never let you go

So, uh. Yeah, that's the basic premise of the song. Which is, uh... not a great look for Mahiru, gotta say. I see why the "yandere" interpretation of Ai Nan Desu Yo was so popular in Trial 1.

In any case, what's important to take away from Psychogram in relation to Mahiru aren't the actions the protagonist takes, but rather the feelings they have for their love interest. Going line by line, we first have the idea it was always meant to be and wanting to fully understand their lover, their 'psychogram':

It was always going to end this way [1] Is your color changing because I touched you? From your open mouth, a face appears A sweet, sweet psychogram [2]

[1] [Love is (Un)Dead] (T2 VD) Mahiru: I thought it was fate. He said it was, too.

[2] [Ai Nan Desu Yo] This is a claim of responsibility From the two of us with matching love Wanting to know everything about you, but wanting to die because it can't come true It's all because of love

The relationship is tumultuous and the love is too much.

"What is that face you've never shown to me?" Hey, let's make it sting "When will you give in and be my friend?" Hey, let's make it sting [1] There's nothing here but foul words They swallowed me up I get it, I get it I agree, there was enough love in the first place [2]

[1] [Ai Nan Desu Yo] We fought sometimes, I was happy to get hurt Let's have matching pain, this sickness is pretty bad

[2] [I Love You] My love, it scored an own goal, destroyed my love and me with its weight

Overwhelming love which is scary or inconvenient for the partner (please ignore the murderous undertones in Psychogram)

[I Love You] This can’t go on, something’s got to give, I even love saying the words, “I love you” My emotions are out of control, that’s inconvenient? I don’t care!

Wanting to be accepted fully as they are.

It's so heavy, it gives me a shock Come on, tie me up tightly You'd better eat every last bite Of the sweet, sweet psychogram

[I Love You] It’s ok for everyone else but not for me Unfair and stuck between in love and love Kiss good-bye to this feeling cuz it’s too heavy? I can’t, no way no way no way

Uh... calling?

"Answer me right away--where are you now?" Hey, let's make it sting

[Ai Nan Desu Yo] Ring ring, I'm calling you in the middle of the night Forcing you to wake up, and I say "Good Morning!"

Not wanting to separate ever, even when they apparently drift away sometimes.

[Ai Nan Desu Yo] If you don't hug me, even our hearts will start drifting apart. [...] Even when I test you, even the times we do the breakup ritual, Is because I love you

You see? Again, I don't feel like I have to elaborate on the connections beyond putting similar lyrics next to each other, since the connection is pretty straightforward if you ignore the murderous tendencies. One other connection is the love interest winds up dead as a result of the protagonist's love, which again directly connects to Mahiru and I don't think I need to really explain.

The final thing to note is that last line, "I'll never let you go", which in the video plays when the partner is already dead. This could play into the shinju (double suicide motivated by love) theory of Mahiru's "murder", which is too long to get into here, but if you want to read more about it, you can do so in this amazing post by dearmahiru. I personally find it quite likely, it's very interesting!

Yeah I don't know what else to say for this one. Take care!

#milgram #mahiru shiina #psychogram cover #disclaimer i know jack all about mahiru so i might miss some details #ive watched ai nan like once

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tiniedemon · 11 months

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. . .

call your mom

kyle broflovski / reader

cw . . . angst, suicide

kyle had a bad habit of overreacting. you knew this when you met him, at age twelve. from the moment you met him, you knew this better than anyone. he tended to take things personally, to take things too far, to let every situation overwhelm him.

you loved him for it, and for everything else. yes, it was stressful, it was irritating, but you loved him regardless. he was the love of your life, your reason for breathing, your everything. you’d known him for so long, loved him for so long, that your entire life revolves around him.

you had big plans for the both of you. you were set to move in together come fall time, set to graduate in the following spring. everything was set up for you, from the date of graduation to the date of your first job as a graduate. kyle’s plans were finicky. you had everything figured out, and he was still looking.

the first phone call went to voicemail, and so did the second. the third never went through. your thumbs were slow to type, a short, ‘hey, you up?’

‘i’m sorry.’

‘i love you more than anything.’

you were in your car thirty seconds later, flying through your shell of a hometown, frantically dialing him, frantically texting him. none of your texts or calls were going through, likely result of him blocking you.

you couldn’t breathe, couldn’t think. kyle was going to end everything the two of you had worked so hard to accomplish. he was going to end his future before it began. he was going to leave you, and his mom. fuck, his mom. you hadn’t even thought to try sheila. your hands shook as you dialed her, your breaths coming in quick, panicked puffs. you could hardly see the road, consumed by the edge of your anxiety.

“sheila,” you sobbed the second she answered. it was like you could finally breathe, like your throat had finally opened and oxygen had finally rushed in. you could save him. you could help him. he wouldn’t die. “sheila, kyle. help him. please.”

you were hysterical, and sheila was doing nothing to curb your fearful hyperventilating. she climbed the stairs too slowly, walked down the hallway too slowly, opened the door too slowly. you were inside her house by the time she’d finally gotten to her son, racing to stand by her side, your phone forgotten in your car.

kyle was already growing pale, his body slumped in a pool of his own blood, a smile complacent on his frozen face. you could hear your heart shatter in your ears, louder than the pained howl you released. your knees hit the floor, your arms struggling to support your weakened body.

the carpet scrubbed your palms and knees, stained by the blood of the love of your life. his red curls brushed your nose as you cradled him against your chest, sickness spreading in your stomach. he was so, so cold already. he retained only a fraction of the heat that he once had, his skin a snowflake against yours.

it felt like hours by the time the paramedics pried your shaking, wailing form from your soulmate, your hands sunk into his clothing, voice hoarse from your sorrow. the red had started to dry on your palms, and on kyle’s face, the smile he held just as beautiful as the day you’d met him.

you’d never see him smile again, or feel the warmth of his body at night, or the sweet softness of his palm against your face. you’d never hold him again, or kiss him again, or hear his voice.

kyle lived on only in your memories and your camera roll. the love of your life was reduced to your lock screen and your favorites album, the promise ring on your finger and the sweater in your closet. kyle broflovski was the wind whipping through your hair, the dirt of his front yard beneath your feet, the song of sirens outside his house.

#south park x reader #kyle broflovski x reader

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moonlight-tmd · 3 months

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I listened to a song and now my mind is torturing me with the sweet sad angst about the abandoned in trash Bee scenario.

What if Bee never truly made it back? [CW: Death, Suicide]

Prowl found him all damaged and deprived of fuel. They were on the way back... then Bee couldn't go on anymore.

Despite Prowl's begging, despite him screaming his love at him and to not leave him... Bee couldn't even say what he wanted before he turned offline.

"Prowl... I..." A whisper of a broken vox faltered and his optics flickered off. What little dull yellow remained on his frame faded away.

Prowl grieved for hours, just hugging what was left of Bumblebee- of his beloved. He refused to let Bee down and took his frame all the way back home. The others heard a shutter opening and went to see- there was Prowl, stading there damanged and without his visor. Next to him was some old trailer, top covered with tarp.

Optimus and Ratchet rushed to him but he never looked at them. "I found Bumblebee." was the only thing he said. Ratchet, fearing the worst, went over to the trailer that wasn't there before and took off the tarp... his feeling was right. There was Bee- or rather his corpse; grey, dirty and damaged.

They all saw it, everyone was hit with a sudden wave of sadness and shock. Before they could ask anything Prowl spoke up again with a sad voice.

"I found him... He wanted to see you again." "We were halfway back home, but... he-.. he couldn't make it-" Prowl choked out before breaking down into sobbing again. Optimus held him, feeling his own tears start to flow. Bulkhead and Sari hugging each other for comfort, the pain of losing one they thought of as a sibbling overtaking. Ratchet's Spark ached,... Bee was so young, he had his whole life ahead of him, best he could do at that moment was to place his servo on Bee's damaged faceplate and close his optics for his eternal rest.

Prowl did not speak to anyone. The others couldn't imagine what he was going thru, the pain was unbearable... Having watched someone fade away and die right in front of you hurt more than having unexpectedly found someone you knew dead. Ratchet fixed Bee's frame for the burial. The night before the day they were supposed to say their final goodbye and the cryopod was supposed to be locked forever, Prowl snuck into medbay where Bee's corpse laid.

He looked brand new now; new parts, fresh polish, no damages at all. But.. the lack of the bright and cheery color of his plating, the smile and warmth that always seemed to radiate off of him... it hurt even more than it did when Prowl saw him damaged and alive.

He wanted to kiss him, to give his last true words. But Bee was already gone, it was just his corpse there... there was no point of giving something when there was no one to receive it anymore. He sat there staring at his seemingly peaceful faceplace, knowing full well this wasn't the expression he had when he died. He stayed there when Ratchet awoke and did the last preparations before the burial.

They all said their goodbyes but Prowl stayed silent the whole time. The only thing he did was to place a single marigold flower encased in clear substance so it'll never wilt on Bee's chassis. It's meaning unknown to everyone except Prowl.

They buried him in the forest meadow, Prowl stayed behind even after the ceremony, he didn't come back until late at night. He shut himself off, never really spoke to any of his teammates except few words.

He tried to go on, tried to live without Bee around... but he couldn't. The pain was too strong. Despite knowing the others will grieve, he made the decision. Few days after Bee's burial he left everything he had behind and went to Bee's grave.

He talked to himself, just as if Bee was still there- just like he did to his corpse on the way back. It hurt deep, Bee had told him how abandoned and unloved he felt after he found him at the trash fields. It hurt him to remember that he took part in the argument that took place prior to his disappearance. It hurt... to know that he didn't do anything while Bee withered away in his arms.

It was a dishonorable- to die from a suicide. Prowl didn't care, he lost his honor long ago. Just like the sickness claimed Bee, the blade shall claim him. He opened his chassis and baren his Spark, letting the light flow down onto the freshly growing grass on Bee's grave. His hubcap parted his wheel and sprung out in a shape of the ever-familiar shuriken.

With the final thought of Bumblebee, he pushed the blade deep into himself.

The next day when Sari flew out to deposit another bouquet of flowers on Bee's grave, she found Prowl's dead frame laying right in front of it. His servos still holding the weapon embedded in the shattered crystal that used to be his Spark.

The others only found out he commited suicide after Sari called sobbing uncontrollably telling them to come.

They never knew Prowl's feelings for the minibot. They never knew the real reason why he chose to do this...

I'm gonna stop here because i don't wanna make you feel too depressed. I could go on how shattered Team Prime was after this but i'll leave it to you. Geez, that is sad. Good thing that in the canon events of this scenario Bee makes it back alive and well! (please remember that, he's fine, i just needed to write this out for my own sanity)

#maccadam #tfa #prowlbee #angst

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fields-of-grimes · 1 year

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Nobody’s Home | Carl Grimes

Carl Grimes x Fem! Reader

CW: mentions of suicide, mentions of death

Song inspiration: Nobody’s Home by Avril Lavigne

You sat on your bed crying, Negan just killed Glenn and Abraham, and took Daryl hostage. Ever since you joined this group it felt like something bad always happened. Like you were a bad luck charm for this group. Maybe if you were gone nothing bad would happen.

You jumped when you heard constant knocking on your door, you stood up and wiped your eyes before opening the door to reveal Carl. “Why are you knocking so much?” You asked hoping he would go away soon.

“I wanted to see if you wanted to hangout- have you been crying?” He asked his once somewhat happy voice quickly shifted to a concerned voice.

“No i just woke up.” You said hoping he’d be terrible at detecting lies.

“Don’t lie, you have been crying.” He said as he pushed past you shutting the door behind him, he sat down on your bed. “Whats wrong? Talk to me.”

You sniffled and sat next to him looking down. “Don’t speak, just listen okay?” You asked him, when you didn't hear a response you looked at him, he was looking back at you waiting for you to talk, you looked back down at your lap. “I was thinking about Glenn,Abraham,Daryl, and how ever since i joined this group it feels like something bad always happens, maybe if i was gone everything would be fine. i’m broken inside Carl maybe if i hadn’t ran into you that day, everything would fine.” You were sobbing now, you looked at Carl, he was crying too.

“What do you mean if you were gone? Do you wanna leave?” He said and it pained you to see him like this. “Yes i wanna leave Carl but not just Alexandria, i wanna leave this world.” You said, Carl’s eye widened as he pulled you onto his lap hugging you tightly.

“Don’t say that, you are not the reason for anything bad happening, please never say that again you’re my best friend, i need you. You brought light into my life, you bring light to this group, please if you feel like this come find me, i don’t care what time it is or what i’m doing i’ll listen to you.” He said rubbing your back trying to calm you down.

You nodded slowly. “Okay, i’m sorry just please don’t tell anyone else about this, please.” You begged him, you didn't feel like being a pity case on anyone.

“Don’t apologize i’m here always.” He said, his eye fell on your knife and gun, and before he could think he grabbed them. You gave him a look, “I’m sorry i have to just for now.” He said, you looked away from him, it made perfect sense to you why he did it, if the rolls were swapped you would've done the same thing.

“Thank you Carl, for everything.” You smiled lightly at him, he returned the smile. “Anytime Y/N remember if you ever feel like this come find me.” He kissed your head softly before leaving your room.

#carl grimes x y/n #carl grimes fluff #carl grimes #carl grimes x reader #twd #twd imagine

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gachag0d · 9 months

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Blasting Joji at 3 A.M. ANGST | Obey Me x Joji In Tongues

Synopsis: Sorting the Obey Me characters into which Joji In Tongues songs I think they would blast at 3 A.M during sad hours.

Characters: The Brothers and The Dateable (-Luke)

CW: Joji's music is explicit and contains Swearing, Mentions of Self Harm, Thoughts of Suicide, Alcohol and Drug Abuse, Implied Violence, Unrequited love, & Possessiveness.

A/N: If anyone can tell me how to put the smaller Spotify music player in a post, I would forever be in your debt. Putting the link in only puts the huge player in, and when I try to put the HTML code, it tells me that's its unsupported. I would be so grateful for help.

Ballads 1 | In Tongues | Nectar pt. 1 | Nectar pt. 2 | Smithereens

"Will your tongue still remember the taste of my lips? Will your shadow remember the swing of my hips? Will your lover caress you the way, that I did? Will you notice my charm, if he slips up one bit? 'Cause I don't need to know I just wanna make sure you're okay (Okay) I don't need to know I just wanna make sure you're all safe All safe, all safe"

LUCIFER, Asmodeus, Mammon, Solomon

"Please don't run away Please don't run away Where'd you go? I thought we'd last forever Where'd I go? I was sinking through the leather I need you back I need you back (yeah, yeah, yeah)"

BELPHEGOR, Mammon, Simeon, Beelzebub

"This is not a threat, I promise (nope) I promise This is not a threat, I promise It's a warning baby I just want you to know That's when the ceiling caved in And I'm falling in a trench, I'm behaving I'm behaving myself I'm behaving myself We don't gotta die so soon So I just behave for you (for you, for you) We don't gotta die so soon So I just behave for... shh, (quiet)"

SATAN, Belphegor, Solomon

"I see nothing out the window, window Nothing out the window Watching all the leaves grow, leaves grow Feels better in my dreams though, dreams though And the sun will shine, no more The sun will shine (antidote), no more I've been holding on, too long Holding on too I know when the wind blows, wind blows Feels better in my dreams though, dreams though I just wanna sleep forever Please just let me leave, forever"

BELPHEGOR, Diavolo, Barbados

"I find it hard to be myself I shed my skin for everybody else You don't know me, what the fuck you mean? You made me sad and you made me mean And now I'm mad, I feel unclean 'Cause I'm a bitter fuck 'Cause I'm a bitter fuck You made me a bitter fuck Ay, (fuck), ay Now I'm a bitter fuck They call me a bitter fuck Because of you Because of you"

SATAN, Leviathan, Belphegor, Lucifer

"I looked at you and said, oh oh oh. “Don’t hate me, am I crazy?” So tenderly you watch me burn, You watch me burn oh. So tell me, am I crazy? Cause I do, cause I do. Cause I do, cause I do. Cause I do, cause I do. Ooh, ooh la la la la la la la la la la. Goddamn. Ooh, and I don’t wanna die. No I don’t wanna die. No I don’t wanna die."

SIMEON, Mammon, Leviathan

"I can't do this face to face But I'll admit that I'm afraid Let this romance go to waste Excuse me for my plastic taste Excuse me for my plastic taste Excuse me for my plastic taste Excuse me for my plastic taste Excuse me for my plastic taste Let these moments go to waste Go to waste"

LEVIATHAN, Satan, Mammon

"And if the stars collide, will she relieve my soul? And when we feel alive I know she'll let me go When you read my lips, I know you feel all cold But I promise you my heart is made of gold I don't wanna waste my time if I can't make you decide You're only on my mind when I need you I don't need to know about what you do when the sun goes down Cause I don't gotta know about nothing Cause I don't gotta know..."

BARBADOS, Lucifer, Mammon

#obey me #obey me swd #joji #obey me nightbringer #obey me shall we date #my writing #obey me lucifer #obey me mammon #obey me leviathan #obey me satan #obey me asmodeus #obey me beelzebub #obey me belphegor #obey me diavolo #obey me barbatos #obey me solomon #obey me simeon

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thelocal-idot · 1 year

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Day 9 : Mika - Death: Overdose & Drowning

Song: Self Inflicted Achromatic - sasanomaly

TW: Suicide, Overdose, Drug usage, intrusive thoughts

Cw: slight reader message, possibly an existential crisis

Please do not read if this will trigger feelings of anxiety and panic.

This also got really long 💕

Alone sat the human doll, unsure of who he really was. Many questions plagued him, intrusively pervading into his dreams. Would he ever amount to anything, did he ever make anyone happy?

What a useless doll he was, never good enough. His presence was disgusting, how could you ever stand being his friend? He could never do anything right, be was a mistake.

He always wished he could be like you, the person you thought he was. But if it all came true, would that person be the real him? To him it seemed that by living he hurt everyone he loved. All he ever did was ruin and taint everything with his imperfection. Nobody truly wanted him nor needed him, he was just a waste of space. His very existence took up the air that more useful, better could breathe. If only he could live in the world he dreamt of each night. Him leaving would help them another day, they’ll laugh and smile in peace. Nobody would live in fear, there would be nor more anger and hatred, but things like that would never happen for him.

He wished he had died instead, perhaps his sibling would have been a better person than he could ever be. He always messed up whatever was asked of him. He glanced around looking for a small box inside the bathroom cabinet.

Day after day he found his way, never knowing where he’d end up. Like a daydream, within his own dazed world he had seen. Like this he’d fade without a trace, it was for the best that he’d do. Nobody would hear his screams, no one would ever care. Just by living he was nothing for another day, so many lives but none of them ever knowing him. Why would he ever want to live in the world he had dreamed?

He grasped the pill bottle, he felt so sick. Proceeding to take them, his entire body felt numb and his mind empty. Floating within the desolate mind-scape, the tips of his fingers icy and cold.

Just by leaving, he would be no one for another day. All of those lives, yet he would never be able to change anything. Nobody to hear his screams, no more being mean to him. If he could, would he ever have it all back in one piece?

He turned on the bathtub faucet, letting it run as he watched. Before hot baths had always made him feel better, but even this now felt strenuous. This life was cruel, eating away at his energy. He was just a burden to everyone, useless, useless, USELESS.

Falling onto the ground, again and again, yet never getting up. The person he came to be, would it ever be the real him? The person they made him to be, was that truly him? Breaking and breaking all over again, never to be picked up and fixed. Leaving it all behind, over and over never to wake up.

Lifting himself into the tub, his wet clothes clung to his skin. Laying back deeper in the water, his mind was flooded with melancholic haze. Would it be better if he just died? Would you be happier if he was gone?

Just by living he brought a smile to your face, just by living he brought you another day. Why, just for him, would you smile after everything. He wanted to give it all up, deep remorse flooded his bones. He really wished he hadn’t, all those moments he tried just to die.

Everything hurt, he felt so, so empty. There was no one here to save him, to help him, to console him. He was nothing, nothing compared to you and his friends. He couldn’t he just die already?

Just by leaving, he would be no one for another day. All of those lives, nothing he did would ever bring change. Somebody here to scream, someone here to stop ME.

Water filled his broken lungs, his attempt to drown himself. He was completely disoriented, his heart racing as he stopped himself from resurfacing. He wouldn’t want to face you after if you had heard what he did. Drowning, it was more peaceful than he had ever thought it’d be. Perhaps you will forgive one day, but this was for the best. As he was, he understood it was better if he died and soon. He wished he could be like you, and be the person you saw him as, but he never would be..

Why couldn’t he laugh it off in the way he dreamed?

#enstars #ensemble stars #mika kagehira #Valkyrie #enstars angst #12daysofdeath #12dd #IdiotAndi-12Days #Spotify

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thechangeling · 2 years

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Oh love, I'm sorry if I smothered you

Cw: Brief mention of self harm and mentions of self injurious stimming. If you want to skip the mention of self harm, skip the second paragraph. Emotional dysregulation and a suicidal ideation mention.

Title is from the song Smother by Daughter

As soon as Kit leaves Blackthorn Hall, Ty nearly suffocates under the weight of the quiet. Kit's final awkward words to him ring in his mind on a loop. He wants to scream, even just to break the silence. To pull his hair out, to chew off his hands, rip and tear at flesh until he finds peace. He just needs to do something to release this feeling inside of him. This paralyzing, burning agony.

His skin boils underneath his hoodie. Everything is too hot, too disgusting. He wants to rip it all off, to shed his skin like a snake. God he hates this body. He always has. With it's damp, sticky warm skin, gangly limbs and tender bloodied heart.

He wishes he could just leave it behind.

Distantly he registers Livvy talking to him, asking him if he's alright, but he just ignores her. There was just no way Ty could form the words to speak to his sister. To say anything coherent at all. Instead his gaze falls to the kitchen drawer that holds the steak knives. He fights against the all-consuming urge to open a vein with one of those knives.

Ty remembers what Alyssa had told him the last time she found him in a similar state of distress, ready to end it all.

Breathe deep. In through your nose and out through your mouth. This feeling will not last forever. It will not have power over you forever. It will pass.

Ty closes his eyes and attempts to ride out the waves. But all he can think about is Kit's face when he saw him again. Cold and hostile.

What are you doing here? he had asked. Alyssa will be furious when he tells her. The sheer audacity of him to demand an explanation for being in his own ancestral family home. Ty tries to summon that same anger. The blinding fury and hatred was so much easier than this, this heartbreak. It was comforting.

But it will not come. All he can feel is pain. It's as though there is something inside of him, burrowing and tearing at his heart, feasting on the flesh. Ty feels everything and it is undefinable. To sort through the noise and the chaos would be impossible.

Amongst the buzzing in his head and the ringing in his ears, Ty has a distant thought.

Is this what love is supposed to feel like?

Livvy floats closer towards him, "Ty please talk to me," she begs.

He doesn't want to talk to Livvy. Livvy won't. understand. No one would. He feels something cool against his wrist and realizes he has been digging his fingernails into his wrist hard enough to draw blood.

Why can't he just cry like a normal person?

Kit's voice rang in his head.

No. Not now.

It had taken everything in him not to beg. To fall to his knees and plead for Kit to forgive him. Or maybe he should have asked what he need to do to earn Kit's forgiveness. Ty's always so much better when he has a task to complete.

But what about Ty's forgiveness? Did Kit even care about that? Does anyone?

Aly. Of course.

He would've gone to her. Only she was currently in New York visiting her family and he doesn't think the Reyes' would take to kindly to him showing up at their door.

He collapses down onto the kitchen floor, resting his back against the table. He finds the pain is starting to drain out of his insides, leaving him numb and apathetic. Livvy stares at him from above, her eyes full of concern, a slight crinkle between her eyebrows. It's the same one she gets when she's worried about him.

And she's always worried about him. Not that she doesn't have a reason to be.

Ty sighs. "I can't do this anymore Liv. It's just too much."

Livvy tilts her head to the side slightly. "Do what exactly?"

Ty gestures vaguely. "This! Any of this! It's too much. It just hurts."

Livvy looks confused for a moment, then her eyes widened. "Ty please, you don't want your life to be over believe me!"

Ty rapidly shakes his head. "No, I would never do that Livvy, we have no way of knowing what my death would do to you. I would never take that kind of risk."

And Ty would never leave his twin. Not after everything he has done so that they could be together.

It seems his words do little to comfort her though. Livvy stares at him stone faced, as if she's waiting for him to say more. "Don't you value your own life?

Ty bites his lip. "Sometimes. It depends."

"On what?"

Ty laughs humourlessly as he realizes he has no idea. The wound on his wrist has cauterized and the blood is dry. He licks it off his wrist and Livvy wrinkles her nose at him. The gesture feels reminiscent of their younger years as twins when things were simpler.

Not that things were ever very simple.

"I don't know." He fixes his gaze on a spot in the wallpaper that has a slight imperfection in it. One of the miniature roses is missing a leaf. He stares at it absentmindedly as he flicks his fingernails.

"Sometimes when my brain is so utterly enamored with something, or someone, I just become so euphoric." He tries to not let his voice crack as he says the word "someone."

"It's almost as if I forget every bad thing I have ever experienced and I just float in that feeling of bliss, and I always think it's going to last forever." Ty scowls. "But then it doesn't. It doesn't, and that elation becomes crushing despair and I drown in it."

Livvy nods sympathetically. "Yeah I remember. You've always kinda been like that. I remember you punching that mirror after dad died and I remember you throwing your toys clear across the room when Helen sent word that she was staying in Italy longer than we expected." She reaches for her hair and begins to fiddle with it. A habit even death hasn't been able to get rid of.

Ty stares down at smooth opaque tile. It's remarkably well kept considering how old this building is. He wonders how many generations of Blackthorns have walked across it. How many of them sat exactly where he was sitting now?

Ty wonders if any of them were as much of a mess as he is.

"But I also remember the way you were when Kit first came to the institute." Ty flinches, but Livvy continues. "I remember the look on your face when he told you he wanted you to give him his first rune. You always get high with the highs and low with the lows."

Ty knows that's true, but he really doesn't want to think about Kit right now.

"I remember the way I was a little jealous because it felt like he was stealing you away from me."

Ty shakes his head, directing his gaze back to her. "Nobody could ever replace you Liv. You're priceless."

Livvy gives him a look. "And I appreciate that Ty, but did you really have to prove it by dragging my essence back from beyond the grave?"

A jolt goes through his chest like a dagger, spreading hurt everywhere like locus. "What are you saying?" He hates how weak his voice sounds. "You don't want to be here with me?"

Is the one person he always thought he could rely on ever since the day he was born about to betray him?

Livvy closes her eyes for a moment before opening them again. "Ty I love you. Of course I want to be here with you." Ty can see the tension in every muscle in her body as she clenches her fists shut. "But you never asked me what I wanted. You just brought me back because it was what you wanted."

Ty recoils in fury, glaring at his sister. "So you would rather be dead than have to spend an eternity with me? Is that what you're saying?"

Livvy purses her lips in annoyance. "No Ty, that's not what I said."

But Ty isn't listening anymore.

"Alyssa wouldn't mind," he childishly throws in her face.

She laughs coldly. "That girl values her autonomy and independence more than anything else. She may love you, and lets face it enables the fuck out of you but make no mistake Ty-Ty, if you try to put a collar on that wolf, she will bite your head off."

Ty jumps to his feet, fuled by adrenaline and rage. "Enable? Is that what you call being there for me? Sticking up for me? I thought you were on my side!"

Somewhere in the depths of his brain where logic still lives, he knows he's being unfair and Livvy probably has a point. But in this moment all he can feel is abandoned and threatened.

Livvy shakes her head. "Ty there are no sides. There's no clear right or wrong person here. You both fucked up. And just because I love you doesn't mean I won't tell you when I think you're wrong."

Ty's nostrals flare. "Leave me alone."

"Ty!" she protests.

Without thinking, he grabs whatever is nearest and heavy, a vase on the table, and throws it directly at her. It just goes straight through her and breaks apart against the wall, shattered glass flying everywhere.

Livvy groans. "Now look what you did!"

"I told you to go!" Ty shouts.

"Yeah? What are you gonna do throw some more vases at me? I'm translucent!"

Ty hisses at her. Something he hadn't done since he was a child. "I'll exorcise you, and then you can be dead, really dead this time. Is that what you want?"

Instantly he knows he went too far when he sees the wounded look on her face. She almost looks afraid. Instantly the rage starts to die down and all he is left with was regret.

Livvy gulps. "Fine. If you want to be left alone. I'll go."

Ty shakes his head. "Livvy wait! I'm sorry!"

But she's already disappeared.

The silence is deafening.

///////////

Ty has no sense of how many hours it had been when Jules finds him later. He's sitting in the same spot he had been before, staring aimlessly at the wall. The vase still lay in peices on the floor.

Julian sighs as he observes the scene in front of him.

"So I see you won the fight against the evil vase."

Ty scowls. "Don't mock me Jules. I'll clean it up later."

Julian's eyes soften. "I'm not mocking you Ty, I understand. I know sometimes you just need to break something. I feel like that sometimes too."

It's not the same, Ty wants to say. Because Julian and Dru, or whoever might feel that way sometimes, but he's the one who always losing himself like this. Ty is the one who can't control his emotions.

Ty's the one whose broken.

He knows Alyssa would kill him if she heard him say that. But he just can't help but feel this way sometimes, when everything goes wrong.

Jules crouches down beside him. "Is this about Kit?"

Ty flinches as he tries to ignore the twisting in his chest. "Please Julian I don't want to talk about it."

Julian's hand finds it's way into his hair and Ty relaxes into the feeling of nails on his scalp. "It's ok," he coos. "I understand. It's gonna be ok."

Ty wonders if he really does. If his brother knows by now how he's horribly in love with Kit Herondale. He wonders if everyone knows.

"Hey," Julian's voice brings him back to himself. "Come with me ok?" He stands up, offering his hand to Ty.

"Where are we going?" Ty asks, allowing Jules to pull him up.

"You'll see."

///////////////

Julian leads him out of the building into the woods behind Blackthorn Hall. The sun is starting to go down and Ty has to be careful not to trip over any rocks or roots. If it were anyone else, he might be a little concerned they were leading him to his death.

They walk deeper into the woods until Ty can no longer see Blackthorn Hall. Then suddenly Julian stops and turns to face him. Ty can barely make out his face in the darkness.

"After the dark war, things were really hard for me," Julian confesses. "I was twelve years old and had just killed my father to save myself and my siblings."

"I remember," Ty grumbles. He really isn't quite sure how this is supposed to make him feel better.

"I was responsible for all of you and I had to do it all on my own. Emma tried to help but you were my siblings. My responsibility." He sighs, running a hand over his face. "Sometimes the stress got to be so overwhelming I couldn't take it anymore. So I would go down to the beach at night and just scream."

Ty cocks his head to the side. "Scream?"

"Yeah. Scream. Just let it all out. I think it might help you. At least a little."

Ty pauses. He supposes it's worth a shot. He tries to summon the energy to let out a deafening yell. He thinks about Kit. That day at Lake Lynn. He thinks about Annabel stabbing Livvy with the mortal sword. Trying to bring Livvy back.

Not if you do this Ty.

No. Not now.

You never asked me what I wanted.

I love you Ty. I love you.

He didn't want to say goodbye to you.

You don't know what you've done.

You only thought of yourself.

I wish I had never known you.

Ty screams.

Tagging: @lavender-scented-rat @littlx-songbxrd @have-a-holly-jolly-angstmas @amchara @wagner-fell @sandersgrey @the-wckd-powers @spooky-drusilla @arangiajoan

#tsc #tda #twp #kit x ty #ty blackthorn #livvy blackthorn #julian blackthorn #autistic angstTM

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okapiandpaste · 2 years

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Okay, for @apolloendymion and anyone else interested, here are my top vflower songs for vflower newcomers!

Note: most flower songs are tuned to sound on the more squeaky and artificial side bc that’s where her strengths lie. expect some funky tunes.

1) Junky Night Town Orchestra by すりぃ (Surii)

Catchy from beat one and has a wild music video. If you like this one I recommend Telecaster B-boy by the same artist. (Beaver is good too but it’s Hatsune Miku this time)

2) Venom by Kairiki Bear

Definitely one of the best showcases of vflower’s voice out there! The quirks and intonations in her voice are so vivid.

3) Traffic Jam by 煮ル果実 (Nilfruits)

This one is VERY weird and drug trippy but it’s so endearing and it has one of my favorite music videos of all time (CW for eyestrain, suicidal imagery, implied car accident). I recommend literally anything else by Nilfruits, especially Ironina and Wozwald (there’s a lot of creepy stuff and self-harm/suicidal imagery in Wozwald’s mv so definitely watch out for that).

4) Villain by てにをは

Such an iconic and catchy queer song. Definitely recommend looking at the subtitles for this one. It’s so good that I’ll never shut up about it and it always gets stuck in my head. (Warning that the mixing on this one is kinda loud/sharp)

5) Dancer in the Dark by ewe

Upbeat but also melancholy. Has a really memorable hook and is overall just vibes.

6) Fixer by Nulut

I don’t have much to say besides that this song is incredibly popular and for good reason. The backing is fire.

7) Lower One’s Eyes by Lanndo

Sapphic witch and witchhunter mv what else is there to say! Again, wouldn’t be putting it on here if it wasn’t catchy as hell.

8) Casino by Azari

Need your creepy vocaloid fix? Here you go. Casino goes way too hard for it’s own good.

9) Bocca della Verità by Hiiragi Kirai

Hatred and seething the song. Didn’t think a vocaloid was capable of rasping? Think again.

(I definitely know more but some of these are very hard to track down due to me...forgetting to learn their romanized/translated names. Hope these recs hit the right spot for someone!)

#me posting crud #vocaloid #music rec #text heavy #image #eye contact #image heavy

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shesplayingwithfire · 1 year

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Playing With Fire

CW: OCs(if y’all don’t like that) OC x Canon(eventual, again if y’all don’t like that), attempted suicide

Characters: Volga, Silva(OC), Lizalfos and Dinolfos

Tags: Self-Indulgent, A whole village worships Volga, like a cult, Human Sacrifice, Gifted Bride, I’m bad at pacing, Wrote This For Me, Canon-Typical Violence, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, fat OC, just to keep that in mind, Friends to Lovers, child abuse, dehumanization, in that dragons aren't seen as more then very intelligent animals, Suicide Attempt, Interrupted Suicide

////

After the exodus of almost half of the tribe, life felt very different.

Silva couldn’t help but notice how empty the caves felt, how solemn.

Those who remained tried to return to life as usual, but there was still a heavy air about the caves.

Silva did her level best to be cheerful and lighthearted; she helped out wherever she could, sang songs, and took the hatchlings on outings.

Somehow, months after the fact, she realized she’d missed Love Day.

She hadn’t thought about it last year, for obvious reasons, but she’d wanted to do something for Volga this year.

But with everything that had happened…

She supposed it was only natural that she’d forgotten.

Still, maybe there was something she could do. She knew human holidays meant little to him, but they still had a special place for her.

Oh, and Amourta was coming up wasn’t it? Like the human Love Day, but different too. And they’d missed the Festival of Bliss, too, hadn’t they?

She chose to take some of her paper, cut it into the shape of a heart, and write something on it for Volga. But what?

“Hmm…”

She stared at the cut paper, mind blank on what she could write. Her hand hovered over the sheet, moving it quickly when she realized the ink might drip, placing the quill back into the ink pot.

“I got it!” Silva wrote quickly but neatly.

She set the paper to dry, pleased with herself.

---

Amourta was approaching, a full week spent with your mate or loved one, or whosoever you chose to share your nest with. Last year he’d spent time in several different nests, reaffirming bonds with others.

This year he was courting, and Silva had made it clear she wasn’t ready to go that far yet. So he would simply abstain; he wouldn’t be unfaithful, no matter who asked if anyone did.

Besides, there were other things they could do besides having sex.

It was warmer now, even at night. Perhaps they could visit the glade again, just them.

They regularly shared a nest, so cuddling was always an option and-

He felt a sudden wave of heat go through him.

Oh no.

---

Silva poked at her heart letter to check if it was dry. When her finger came back unstained she tried to restrain her glee.

She folded the letter and set off with a happy smile, waving at those she passed.

She spotted Melusine.

“Melusine, have you seen Volga? I have something for him.”

“Master was headed to den.” Melusine spotted the paper. “What that?”

“Hm?” Silva glanced down. “Oh, it’s a… love letter.”

Her face got hot. It sounded so ridiculous when she said it out loud.

“Love letter?” Melusine looked confused.

“Yes. I’ve… written down something sweet, to give to Volga.”

“Why not tell?”

“It’s just… a thing humans do.” Now she was embarrassed.

Melusine shrugged. “Master in den, look for him there.”

“Thank you.” Silva’s cheeks were still warm, the realization of how silly this was hitting her.

She wove her way through the halls until she came to Volga’s den.

Only to find Ryuu standing guard outside.

“Ryuu? Is something wrong?”

“Misss must stay away. Master in rut.”

“R-rut?” Silva’s jaw nearly dropped.

They’d talked about these things before, but it had been a while.

“Is he… alright?” She bit her lip. What did ruts entail again?

“Will be fine. Must stay isolated for week.”

“A whole week?!” That shocked her.

“Unless Misss wants to spend with him-”

“No, Ryuu! Tell her to leave!”Volga suddenly called out.

“What would it mean, to spend it with him?” Silva asked, even as she heard shuffling behind Ryuu.

“Mating, of course. Does Misss not know about ruts?” Ryuu shifted his grip on his sword hilt, the blade stabbed into the ground.

“Not much,” She tried to look over the Lizalfos’ shoulder, but he moved to block her view with a raised brow.

Silva grinned weakly and settled on her feet once more.

“Ruts are for mating, taking care of mates' needs. Master wants to mate.”

“Ryuu!” Volga sounded out of breath.

“O-oh. I, umm… I’m not…” Her face got hot again.

“Then maybe Misss brings food and water sometimes? Someone needs to, and Master and Silva are courting.”

“I can do that. I’ll make sure he gets food and water.” That she could do. “Oh! Umm… can you give this to him for me?”

He handed Ryuu the letter.

“I will.”

“Thank you. Uh…” She stood on her tiptoes and looked over Ryuu’s shoulder. “I’ll be back later!”

Volga didn’t respond, but she knew he heard her.

Silva left with a glance behind, a little worried, but knowing that for Volga and his kin, this was just another part of life.

---

Volga buries his face in his pillow with an embarrassed groan. Why, when it was Silva, was this natural thing so awkward to talk about? Was it his currently wild hormones? Or that fact that Ryuu was clearly enjoying how mortifying this was for his brother?

“For you.” Ryuu walks over and holds out the letter.

Volga resists the urge to snatch it irritably from him, but does glare. It’s not too intimidating when his face is beet red and half in the pillow.

“Fuck off.”

Ryuu goes back to the entry with a laugh.

Volga rolls over and opens the letter.

You brought me sunshine when I only saw rain You brought me laughter when I only had pain

Love, Silva

There’s a little flower drawn next to her name.

A different type of warmth fills him, building until a fond smile takes his lips. The warmth on his cheeks is no longer embarrassment and uncontrollable hormones, but something sweeter. He gets up and places the letter carefully, safely, into a chest.

Unfortunately, that’s all the relief he gets, as another wave of need sweeps over him. Volga returns to his nest.

---

Silva spends the day in the kitchen, baking easy-to-eat meat pies and other small meals.

She wasn’t sure how his rut would affect his stomach and hunger, but she knew he’d still need to eat.

Each pie and meal was carefully stored, and she readied a pie and pitcher of water to take to Volga for dinner that night.

She added a pie for Ryuu as well, a small thank you of sorts.

“Hello,” She smiled as she approached, Ryuu taking immediate notice of the food. “I brought dinner.”

He smiled in that strange wall all dragonfolk smiled, lips not made for smiling.

She handed him the tray, pointing out the pie for him, and quickly said goodbye, trying not to be flustered by the sounds coming from Volga’s den.

Once she had eaten she settled into her den and started reading, but found herself distracted by thoughts of Volga.

How must he be feeling, was he alright? She knew that this was natural for his people, but still.

She found herself comparing it to the menstrual cycle that Hylian and Gerudo women went through, but even as she made that comparison she shook it away.

It didn’t feel right to compare the two.

She wondered if there was a way to learn more about dragons and their kin, their biology. Surely there must be something written somewhere.

But who could she ask?

Her mind went to Lixue. Lixue had been Volga’s teacher, his first lover, and a mentor. Perhaps she could help?

The next day Silva approached Lys, one of the messengers, with a letter.

“Lys, do you know how to reach Lixue?”

“Grace Lixue? Yes, know where she lives.”

“Can you take a letter to her from me?”

“Of course.”

Silva handed over the letter and Lys went to prepare. Silva could only hope that Lixue would be able to help.

---

Throughout the week Silva brought Volga food and water, as well as feeding whoever was standing guard that day.

She tried not to think about the sounds she heard, tried not to imagine what he might be doing. Silva would hide in her den, face red and trying so hard to turn her mind away.

But she couldn’t. Her mind raced with possibilities, and no matter how hard she tried she would inevitably return to those thoughts.

She roughly shook her head, hitting the sides.

How could she betray his trust like this? He surely didn’t think these same sorts of things, right?

But the week was almost over, and hopefully, soon Volga would be able to leave his den and things would go back to normal, right?

She shot another arrow, narrowly missing the dummy.

“Ssilva’s mind away, that’s why missing.” Melusine wasn’t scolding, if anything she was dropping hints for Silva to talk to her.

“It’s nothing, Mel. I promise.” Silva knocked another arrow, taking a breath before aiming.

She managed to hit this time.

“Master’s rut almost over. Silva must miss.” Another hint.

“I do. I guess I’m not used to not being able to see him.”

Melusine nodded. “Will be no problem when mated.”

Silva nearly missed again. “M-melusine!”

“What?” Melusine looked confused. “Ssilva and Master will probably mate. Master has never courted any other.”

“He hasn’t?”

“When we know, we know.” Melusine nodded as if this was common knowledge.

“How long did you and Tanit court?”

“Two year. Had hatchlings year after.”

“…” Silva looked away, lowering her bow.

Comparatively, it was the same amount of time Hylians usually courted, and it wasn’t uncommon to marry and immediately have children.

But for as long as dragons were supposed to live, it seemed rather quick.

“It seems, for dragons, so fast though.”

“When we know, we know.”

Silva looked at Melusine. “I suppose humans are similar, in a way.”

“Tell Melusine about human courtship?” Melusine looked almost excited.

“Let’s go sit down first. I think I’m done for now anyway.”

Silva left the arrows where they were. Someone would get and use them.

They went and sat in the mess hall, Silva setting down her quiver and bow behind her chair.

“Human courtship takes about as much time as dragon courtship, give or take two years. We spend time together, sometimes with a chaperone-”

“A what?” Melusine’s brow scrunched.

“A chaperone. They make sure the courting couple don’t, uh, get too friendly too fast.”

“But courtship should be friendly.”

“I mean to say that, well, the chaperone is there to make sure they don’t… have sex.” Her face felt hot. It sounded so stupid when you knew how dragons viewed sex.

“Why not?” The Lizalfos tilted her head.

“Humans don’t think you should have sex before being married, ah, mated.” Silva twiddled her thumbs.

“Why?”

“I don’t really know. That’s just what they tell us.”

“Humans are strange. If going to mate, why not know each other's pleasure?”

“I don’t know, Melusine. I really don’t.”

The more she looked at the human world, the less it made sense.

“What else humans do to court?” Melusine seemed to at least understand that this particular part was making Silva uncomfortable.

“Well, let’s see. We give gifts. Usually, things that we know our partner will like, but sometimes people give really expensive gifts. Like jewelry or land.”

“We build houses… hmm… That’s all I can think of.” Silva realized she was picking at her nails again and tried to stop.

“Sounds like dragon courtship.”

“Yeah, they do sound alike, don’t they?”

“Not so different.” Melusine nodded again.

“Yeah…” Silva’s mind was reeling a little.

Humans and dragons were more similar than she’d realized, and she’d seen that more and more throughout her time in the caves.

Each race was just… living. They loved, survived, and had families. They both made art, even if it seemed different between humans and dragons.

Aside from appearance, were they really so different?

It was like with Hylians and Zora, or Gorons.

So why were they accepted, and dragons hunted?

It made no sense.

---

At the end of the week, Volga emerged.

His first action, once he had, was to head to the kitchen and devour as much food as his stomach could hold.

Some of his kin had taken his nest to be washed, and he’d brought out his other bedding for now.

Once full he sought out Silva, finding her among the hatchlings outside.

A full troop of warriors patrolled the area and kept the hatchlings and their guardians from leaving the open area in front of the caves.

Volga took a deep breath of fresh air, a relief after a week spent locked in his den.

“Master Volga!”

One of the hatchlings spotted him, alerting the others. Silva looked over her shoulder from where she was sitting, a smile forming on her lips.

“Volga!”

He was crowded, hatchlings all trying to get his attention, Silva walking over as well. Volga carefully stepped over the little ones, leaning down to kiss Silva softly. He pressed his forehead to hers with a smile.

“Hello, my treasure.”

“Hello, darling.”

Volga jolted suddenly, looking down to see Vritra climbing up his leg. The little Dinolfos looked up at him, completely unashamed.

“Yes, Vritra, hello to you too.”

Volga reached down and patted him gently on the head.

The hatchling looked pleased with himself, the other hatchlings gathering around.

---

“Silva.”

Silva was standing in her former house, in the kitchen, looking around.

She turned and spotted the strange woman in the doorway of the house.

“Silva.”

“Please, tell me what you want!” Silva implored.

The woman walked closer, looking around the kitchen.

“Do you remember, when we first met?”

“First met? But, I’ve only seen you recently in my dreams!”

“Think back, Silva.” She met Silva’s eyes.

“I don’t…”

“Think.”

“Wait… I-”

Silva jerked awake, gasping softly. She sat up, Volga snoring softly beside her.

“I remember now…”

---

Silva approached Volga the next day.

She asked that he follow her, and they left the caves.

In silence they walked to the glade Volga had shown her when they first started courting, a quiet, secret place for just the two of them.

“What is it?”

Silva walked a little into the glade, Volga following slowly.

She brought her hands before her, folded and above her heart.

“I saw her again, last night, that woman. But…”

“But?” Volga took a few steps closer.

“She reminded me. Of a memory. One that I had blocked out.” Silva kept her eyes on her hands, shaking a little.

She paused to take a deep breath, closing her eyes. Volga waited patiently.

“When I was thirteen, shortly after I’d been… chosen I…”

Another breath.

“I found out why I had been chosen. Or at least, part of why.”

Silva lowered her hands, head tilting back.

“My mother used my dowry from my grandparents, to buy my place as your Bride. Four thousand rupees.”

Volga was stunned.

“I thought you were chosen for your magic.”

Silva turned a little.

“I think that played a part in it, but no, it was mostly that… I guess in some twisted way she sold me, but did so by paying.”

Silva looked at him, a sad smile on her face.

“She never loved me, did she?”

Volga looked down.

No. He thought, but would never say. She never loved you.

Silva knew what he was thinking, knew the truth. She looked away again.

“When I found out, that she had done that, that my life was no longer mine I…”

She looked at the sky.

“That night, I cried so much. I cried and cried until my throat hurt and was dry. I went out to the kitchen after Mother fell asleep to get a drink. It was so dark, but the moonlight made it bright enough to get around.”

“I got my water and was about to head back to my room when I saw it. The knife.”

Volga’s head shot up so fast he felt dizzy for a moment, heart lurching. She couldn’t mean…!

“I grabbed it, and sat on the kitchen floor, crying again. I pointed it at my heart, ready to pierce it, but I was so afraid I couldn’t.”

He raised his hand, going to step forward but something stopped him.

“Then she appeared.”

Silva knelt on the kitchen floor, crying and shaking. Her hands trembled, knife pointed at her heart.

She pulled it away, doubling over with broken sobs.

Her mother had sold her away, even paying for it. She hated her daughter that much.

Silva cried so hard she felt sick, and even as she cried she tried to be quiet to not wake her mother.

“My child.”

Silva’s head jerked up, seeing at first only the velvety hem of a dark blue dress. She sat up further, raising her eyes to the giant of a woman before her.

Half of her face was hidden behind long brown hair and warm and gentle blue eyes. She knelt in front of Silva. Silva never felt the need to question how she got in, or why she was there.

“My child, if you do this, I will not fault you.”

“You won’t?” Silva shook more, the woman placing a soft hand on her tightly clenched hands. “Isn’t… isn’t it wrong?”

“Oh, my sweet child.” With her other hand, the woman reached up and cupped Silva’s tear-stained cheek. “You are in pain, so very much pain. You feel your life slipping away, to be directed by others against your will. I understand.”

Silva’s face scrunched up again, more tears flowing. “Why? Why doesn’t she love me? Why does she hate me?”

Silva doubled over again, weeping helplessly.

She felt pressure on her back, the woman pressing her cheek to Silva’s back, hand resting there as well.

“I can’t answer that, my dear. Some people simply have no love in their hearts, for anyone.”

Silva felt the tip of the knife on her stomach, close enough to scratch but not puncture anything more than her nightgown.

She cried and cried some more, the strange woman an odd comfort.

Sniffling and shuddering Silva moved to sit up again, the woman pulling back.

Silva looked with red eyes at the woman. “What do I do?”

The stranger's smile never faded, somehow soothing. “If you feel you must, if you cannot bear it, I will take your spirit to safety, to a realm of peace.”

“If I can’t… you mean if I…?”

The woman nodded. “If you feel you must.”

Silva lowered her eyes, grip tight on the knife handle.

“But, I implore you to think first. Think of who your actions will affect.”

“Who it might…?”

“Think, my child.”

Silva looked down. Who would her death affect? Who…

“Myra and Kai…”

“Mm-hmm.” The woman nodded, the gentle smile never faltering. She placed no blame or judgment on the girl before her.

“If I died… they’d be so sad.”

In her mind Silva saw them, the two standing before her grave, weeping. Imagined them having to go on, never seeing her again.

“I… I can’t…”

Silva let go of the knife, the woman taking it.

“You’ve had a terrible time lately, with a cruel truth revealed, and your independence was taken away. But you will have better days.”

Silva leaned forward, resting her head on the woman’s shoulder. She was tired, and her throat and head hurt.

“Let’s get you a drink, and to bed.”

Silva numbly went through the motions, drinking a glass of cool water, stray tears escaping. She wasn’t sure what happened to the knife, perhaps the woman took it with her.

But the woman saw her to bed, tucking her in and kissing her forehead.

“Sleep, my child. Better days will come.”

Silva’s tired eyes drifted closed.

Silva looked at Volga, who was paler than she’d ever seen him.

Her sad smile never faded. “I wanted you to know. It was nothing to do with you, and everything to do with my mother and the village.”

Volga silently walked to her and reached out, but hesitated.

“It’s alright, darling.”

With her permission he took her into his arms, holding her tight and close. Volga brought his head down, so she could hear him.

“I will do everything in my power to keep such thoughts away from your mind. Whatever you feel, whenever it happens, I beg you to tell me.”

Silva was a little squished, but she didn’t mind. Her smile turned warm, happiness filling her. She wrapped her arms around him and squeezed.

“Thank you.”

They stayed like that for a while, Volga almost afraid to let go.

---

Silva’s revelation left Volga with much to consider.

He’d never considered the deeper impact the choice of the village had left on Silva.

He’d never thought that her own mother, abusive as she was, would go so far as to get rid of her daughter.

The thought of a parent being so cruel…

He couldn’t wrap his head around it.

Volga wanted nothing more than to go to the village and confront her mother.

For Silva’s sake, he wouldn’t.

She obviously wanted to put it behind her, and look forward.

He couldn’t let his feelings on the matter overwrite hers.

Instead, he focused on showing her how loved she was.

Volga would seek her out more frequently, just to be near her. He’d take her away from the nursery, if she could be spared, just to spend time with his head in her lap, Silva humming softly and stroking his hair.

He took her to the glade, a patrol always going around the area near the caves now, and would read with her.

Volga still sometimes struggled with certain words, and Silva gently helped him through them. He’d only been reading since April of the year before.

A year. He’d been reading for a year.

Once he’d gotten the hang of it he’d learned fast, the same with writing.

He wondered how he’d ever gotten along without it.

Silva, of course, noticed this behavior change.

“Volga,” Silva spoke from behind him.

They were in his den, Volga working on a statuette.

“Yes?” He kept his eyes on his project, but he knew she knew he was listening.

“Please look at me.”

He stopped and looked up as she came around.

“Please… I know I told you something… big… but that’s no reason to change the way you treat me.”

“What?”

Her eyes lowered for a moment, then met his.

“Ever since I told you about how I… what I almost did… you’ve been treating me differently. Like you have to keep watch over me.”

“I didn’t mean…” He looked away. “I just wanted you to know how much you mean to me.”

Silva smiled and put her hand on his shoulder.

“Thank you. But there are other ways to show me than feeling like you constantly have to be with me.”

He looked at her hand before covering it with his, looking back at her face.

“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to smother you.”

“I know. I do enjoy spending time with you. It’s alright.”

She leaned forward and kissed his forehead before leaving.

As he looked back at the little dragon he was carving he had a disturbing thought.

Would the villagers do this again? Or something similar?

His children…

Would the village send more sacrifices?

He stopped what he was doing and put on his armor.

“Master?”

Tanit was the first he came across.

“I need to do something. I will be back soon.”

“Everything alright?”

“Yes, everything is fine.”

He didn’t take his pike with him, spreading his wings and taking flight once outside.

It wasn’t long to the village. He knew they saw him approach, the large shadow obvious.

Volga landed in the square.

He looked around, people already gathering.

“Take me to your elders.”

---

Silva worried when Volga wasn’t there for dinner. A few had said they saw him leave, in armor.

Were the hunters back?

She took dinner alone and went to Volga’s den after to wait for him.

Silva tried to sew, she had a few tunics that needed mending, but her worry kept her pricking her fingers and distracted.

Just as she started to drift off, she heard footsteps.

“Darling?”

She sat up, grabbing the tunic in her lap and looking toward the opening of the den.

Volga walked by, stopping long enough to reach down and quickly cup her cheek before moving past.

“Where did you go?”

He stepped behind a stone pillar and she heard him remove his armor.

“I thought of something after we talked earlier. I had to go to the village.”

Silva was immediately fully awake, cold settling in her stomach.

“The village?”

Volga emerged, back in a shirt and pants, and came to the nest, settling beside her.

Silva moved her sewing things to the ground, making sure her needle was stuck fast in the cloth and cuddled against her lover.

“I thought about how they sent you here, and why. It came to me that… in the future, they might send more people. With the same intention as when they sent you.”

Silva swallowed hard.

“So I went to the elders, and I told them. Never again. For any reason.”

She wrapped her arms around him, Volga’s arm settling on her shoulders.

“They tried to argue.”

---

“But, Great One, what about your children? Surely they will need partners? And Silva! She will not live forever. A new Bride will be-”

“If you ever try to send anyone else, ever, I will leave this village to its fate. Bandits, other dragons, it matters not. I will not intervene.”

The assembled Hylians paled and shook their heads.

“You can’t!”

“I will.”

---

Silva held him tight. His words had brought something to light she’d never even considered.

“They will not send anyone else. No other will be subjected to what you endured.” Volga gently squeezed her and kissed the crown of her head.

They lay down for the night, Volga quickly falling asleep.

But Silva’s mind was troubled.

The elders are right though. I won’t live forever. If we… and then I die…

She looked up at him.

What would that mean for him?

---

The end of the month approached and Silva stayed in that terrible mindset.

Dragons had incredible lifespans, Lixue herself had said they could live for thousands of years.

Hylians only lived to be about one hundred, maybe a little more if lucky.

If Volga went through with his courtship of her, she would have only until she was in her forties to bear a child or two, and then.

Her health would decline, and living in the caves would become much harder the older she got.

Eventually, Lys returned and gave her Lixue’s return letter, and a worn book.

Dear Silva,

Imagine my surprise to hear from you! Volga went into rut, eh? No surprise, he was due for one. I’ve sent along a book that may help answer your questions. I’ll come around soon, so we can talk more.

Sincerely, Lixue

She couldn’t even bring herself to read it, not at the moment.

Part of her wanted to talk to Volga about this, he had certainly noticed her mood, but just the thought of talking about her inevitable death, of leaving him alone if he chose her, made her sick.

Silva sat by the river, feet in the water, staring at her hands.

Sometimes she thought she heard one of the scout's footsteps, but they never approached her.

She sighed softly, letting the wind blow her clothes and hair, gray clouds passing in the sky.

“Lady Silva.”

Her head shot up.

Across the river was a man.

He had white hair, a red tattoo coming to a point over and under his left eye, and dark clothing.

“I’ve come to take you to where you belong.”

#playing with fire #hyrule warriors #volga #the legend of zelda

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bellepeppergirl · 3 months

Text

My Original Interpretation of "Helena" by MCR

So, my first few times listening to Helena, it had put a story in my head. I now know this story isn't the intended story since, of course, the album already has its own story going on, but i still wanted to share what that original interpretation i had was. CW FOR SELF HARM AND SUICIDE!!! So yeah. I took this to be a song about suicide. Helena, who the song is named after, killed herself, and the protagonist/singer of the song is trying to cope with that. "Long ago, just like a hearse you died to get in again. We are so far from you." - So i took this as our protagonist looking back on their relationship with Helena. They're thinking about all the good times long ago, but those good times are dead, just like Helena is. As for the "we are so far from you," there's a few meanings this could have. Either Helena was distant about her problems and never really told anyone what she was going through that led to her suicide, or the protagonist feels like THEY were the one that was too far away when they could have helped. At the same time, they are literally far away from one another now because they can never talk to or see one another again. "Burning on, just like a match you strike to incinerate the lives of everyone you knew. But what's the worst you take? from every heart you break. And like the blade you stain, I've been holding on tonight." - So for this, the protagonist is kinda mad at Helena. They're upset she killed herself and left them behind, but they're trying to carry on. They're burning on, they're holding on tonight. Helena striking the match to incinerate the lives of everyone she knew is in reference to the betrayal our protagonist feels after her suicide hit everyone around them so hard. "But what's the worst you take from every heart you break" i think would mean that, even tho they're upset, they know they shouldn't be and, in the end, they can't blame Helena for what she did and will do their best to carry on. "What's the worst that i can say? Things are better if i stay. So long and goodnight, so long, not goodnight. Well if you carry on this way, things are better if I stay. So long and goodnight, so long, not goodnight." - Alright, for this, we are once again seeing that the protagonist can't blame Helena, despite them feeling betrayed, and can't really say anything bad about her or what she did. We also would see that the protagonist wants to join Helena; they want to kill themself as well. They can't imagine living without her, but know that they can't "Things are better if I stay." The protagonist now knows the pain that comes to others when someone close to them takes their life and they don't want to spread that pain or "betrayal" either, so they are choosing to stay. "So long and goodnight, so long, not goodnight." They are saying goodbye, which is being compared to Helena going to sleep, but it's not just "goodnight" because this sleep is eternal. "Came a time when every star fall brought you to tears again. We are the very hurt you sold. But what's the worst you take from every heart you break? And like the blade you stain, well I've been holding on tonight." - This is our protagonist once again revisiting old memories with Helena, like them watching a meteor shower or a shooting star. Helena would always see the beauty in things and tear up over it, or perhaps this was her depression or struggles peaking through and she was wishing for a better life. Once again, the protagonist still feels angry she did this, but still knows they shouldn't and is trying to be strong and carry on. The "blade you stain" part is also clearly indicative of self harm or suicide, and would possibly be how Helena took her life in this interpretation.

We then get the chorus again, which has the same meaning as before, but that leads into... "Can you hear me? Are you near me? Can we pretend to leave and then we'll meet again when both our cars collide." - We have two meanings here. The first is the protagonist trying to talk to Helena despite the fact she's gone, the second is what leads to the twist. That twist being that our protagonist has killed themself as well, having been unable to actually stay strong and carry on. Seeing as this part of the song is also in a whispered voice, this could be them talking to Helena as their life fades away and them saying they will meet again soon. Now, the "when both our cars collide" part is kind of a stretch, BUT! What i envisioned for this had been their funerals "colliding." A hearse was mentioned earlier, the dead people car, and so the "collision" is actually their funerals occurring at the same time and their hearses passing one another, making their funerals collide and combine. "What's the worst that I can say? Things are better if I stay. So long and goodnight, so long, not goodnight. Well if you carry on this way! Things are better if I stay. So long and goodnight, so long, not goodnight." - We get the chorus again, but this time it takes on a new meaning. The protagonist is now speaking to their loved ones who they know they will inevitably hurt and "betray" like Helena had done. In the end, they weren't actually able to cope with their loss and gave in to suicide as well. They cannot blame Helena or say anything bad about her because they understand and are doing the same exact thing. They are now also saying goodbye and goodnight not to Helena, but to their friends and family as they also pass on. And in this case, things are better if I stay could mean better if they stay dead, rather than staying alive. SO ANYWAYS! That had been the original story i got from this song. Obviously, it's not the intended story since Three Cheers HAS a story, but i think that, in a vacuum, this could be a decent interpretation. Is it perfect? Probably not, but this has been stewing in my head for years now and thought hey, maybe i will share it. So yeah. This version is about suicide, the pain it can bring others, and someone trying and failing to carry on. Pretty grim!

#Helena #MCR #my chemical romance #song interpretation #three cheers for sweet revenge #long post

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