September is International Suicide Prevention Month.
Unfortunately, given current trends on a lot of social media, the word "suicide" has become a Bad Word and people have resorted to using ridiculous newspeak like "sewer slide" and "self-unaliving" to appease the algorithms and the censors.
But this is Tumblr. We can say words like "suicide" here. And I'm going to say it
Suicide Hotline (US): 988
Text-based suicide hotline hotline: 741-741 (Text CONNECT to begin a conversation)
International Suicide Hotlines:
Argentina: 54-0223-493-0430
Australia: 13-11-14
Austria: 01-713-3374
Barbados: 429-9999
Belgium: 106
Botswana: 391-1270
Brazil: 21-233-9191
Canada: 1-833-456-4566 (toll free)
Canada, French-speaking: 1-866-277-3553 (1-866-APPELLE)
Canada, text-based: 45645 (only available 4pm-midnight)
*Canada will begin using the 988 hotline number on November 30 2023
China (Mainland): 852-2382-0000
Hong Kong: 2389-2222
Costa Rica: 606-253-5439
Croatia: 01-4833-888
Cyprus: 357-77-77-72-67
Czech Republic: 222-580-697 OR 476-701-908
Denmark: 70-201-201
Egypt: 762-1602
Estonia: 6-558-088
Finland: 040-5032199
France: 01-45-39-4000
Germany: 0800-181-0721
Greece: 1018
Guatemala: 502-234-1239
Holland: 0900-0767
Honduras: 504-237-3623
Hungary: 06-80-820-111
Iceland: 44-0-8457-90-90-90
India Self Harm Hotline: 00 08001006614
India Suicide Helpline: 022-27546669
Israel: 09-8892333
Italy: 06-705-4444
Japan: 3-5286-9090
Latvia: 6722-2922, 2772-2292
Malaysia: 03-756-8144
Singapore: 1-800-221-4444
Mexico: 525-510-2550
Netherlands: 0800 0113 (website: www.113.nl )
New Zealand: 4-473-9739
New Guinea: 675-326-0011
Nicaragua: 505-268-6171
Norway: 47-815-33-300
Philippines: 02-896-9191
Poland: 52-70-000
Portugal: 239-72-10-10
Puerto Rico: 787-763-7575 OR 1-800-981-0023 (toll free)
Russia: 8-20-222-82-10
Singapore: 1800-221 4444
Spain: 91-459-00-50
South Africa: 0861-322-322
South Korea: 2-715-8600
Sweden: 031-711-2400
Switzerland: 143
Taiwan: 0800-788-995
Thailand: 02-249-9977
Trinidad and Tobago: 868-645-2800
Ukraine: 0487-327715
These are phone number for people who are at risk for suicide. Not "sewer slide" not "self-unaliving" not "self-exiting." Yes, the idea can be upsetting, but it needs to be confronted under its real name: suicide. These numbers are for suicide prevention and September is International Suicide Prevention Month.
Please update and amend this post as might be needed!
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So I’ve been rereading October Daye lately ahead of the next release (and read fast enough that a full reread is POSSIBLE before Be The Serpent comes out.)
Putting the rest under a cut for length, spoilers, and the fact that the first passage is essentially magic trying to convince our canonically depressed first-person narrator to let it kill her, and therefore reads more than a little suicidal.
“Find the answers, find the reasons, and find the one who caused me this harm, October Daye, daughter of Amandine, or find only your own death.”
- Rosemary and Rue, Seanan McGuire, Chapter Three
The memory of Evening’s death and my transformation became tangled in the curse, combined with the sudden bitter addition of the night I followed my mother’s people into Faerie. The weight of that memory alone was enough to force me farther down until I was drowning in a rosy mist.
There were three deaths waiting for me: I could have my choice of suffocation, iron, or gunfire, and any of them could carry me home, stop my heart, and end the pain. All I had to do was stop fighting. I could write myself out of the play, just like Ophelia before me; it could be over. Maybe I could’ve kept fighting temptation if the curse hadn’t decided to start playing dirty... but like the Luidaeg said, it was a beautiful piece of work, and it had been strengthened past its original purpose by my own foolishness.
Wouldn’t it be nice to get what you were looking for? it whispered. I can give you peace, I can be your flight of angels. Just give up and let me in.
The taste of roses filled the world. Maybe it was right; maybe I was done. I’d done what I was bound to do. I found the killers, or at least the one who hired them. The hope chest was safe with Tybalt. There was nothing left for me to do, and I had no Home to go to. Blood and betrayal: Who needs anything else?[...] Nothing was the way I’d left it; my world was dead. Why did I bother fighting?I went limp beneath the weight of memory, letting the phantom roses wrap around me. I was ready to die, to sleep, to dream no more.
- Rosemary and Rue, Chapter 25
The taste of roses rose and burst in the back of my throat, choking me as it dissipated. I hadn’t realized how constant it had become until it was gone. I stood with agonizing slowness; every breath hurt, but at least I was alive.
- Rosemary and Rue, Chapter 26
A thought that had occurred to me, earlier in the book, was that Evening definitely wants her hope chest back, and certainly wants whoever did it removed from play, but we also know since The Winter Long that she wants Toby dead.
It’s also made clear then that her geas wasn’t ‘find my killer’ but ‘find who did this’ (was after her hope chest and attacked her in the search), and therefore killing the person responsible might not actually be the key goal there.
She’s not ALLOWED to directly kill Toby, of course, and I have no idea how she could pull a geas that includes ‘or find only your own death’ given that, but she actively wants Toby dead and appears to want this in the hopes of staving off certain prophecies. The Luidaeg tells Toby that the geas is “one of the nastier pieces of work [she’s] seen this century” and that Toby willingly drinking Eira’s blood made it much stronger.
(Aside: My best guess as to how the hell she could do it then is that it wouldn’t ACTUALLY have killed Toby if she hadn’t drank the blood, but we’ve seen what happens with the Luidaeg and geasa, I’m not sure Eira should have been able to say the words at all. Maybe, and I’ll check when I get back to The Brightest Fell, it’s part of the standard form and thus no one said she couldn’t geas anyone from Amandine’s line so it was permissible but wouldn’t actually be lethal? Beside the point. Could just be early installment weirdness and the counter-geas was decided later.)
We also know that the geas gets increasingly nastier as time goes on and Toby nearly dies a couple ways - she attributes it the first time to her body knowing what getting shot with an iron bullet feels like now, but then it also pulls in her memories of drowning and near-suffocation from the pond - completely unrelated to Devin and ‘Evening’s murder’ - and then in this section Toby making her Choice as well. You can make the case that the near-death experiences with the pond are close enough to the ‘ride this to my death’ thing to bring in the geas, but there’s no way Toby choosing Faerie could tie into that - it’s only there to guilt her, and also happens to tie into those prophecies Eira’s worried about concerning Amandine’s line. Remember, Amandine was hoping Toby chose human herself, and it seems like it was to stave off whatever’s been foretold to come because it’s tied SPECIFICALLY to being Dochas Sidhe. (I’m not going to go through all the relevant books and pull out my sources there right now, I’ll probably do a big post once I’m done this reread, probably about twenty seconds before Be The Serpent drops a new bombshell, but it comes up with Amandine in Late Eclipses and then in Suffer A Sea-Change the Luidaeg tells Gilly that Toby changing her all the way to human in One Salt Sea meant that “even the prophecies can’t touch her now”. ... If you are asking yourself why Amandine would then make sure August was pure Dochas Sidhe before she was even born, or why she’d have kids at all if she’s worried about these unknown prophecies, I remind you that Amandine is a terrible, terrible mother who saw her children as accessories to her own ego.)
Now, if Toby had died here, Devin would still be at large and no one else knew what had happened yet. Lily can wake the blood but probably not ride it, and there’s no guarantee Sylvester would finish the case out on Toby’s behalf. (Maybe Simon’s available, but I suspect not, and the trail is growing steadily colder.) So not an unmitigated success on Eira’s part. But even for that risk, if Toby dies at this exact point, Eira does have the hope chest safe (with the Cait Sidhe, which would need dealing with, but it’s not like she’d care about killing a bunch of Cait Sidhe to get her things back,) the evidence as to who ‘killed’ her IS assembled, and the line of Amandine is neutralized for the foreseeable future. Toby hasn’t even killed or dethroned or actively subverted any of her pawns yet, and is way easier to kill herself. Toby dying here would probably put Eira in the best possible position for whatever her huge evil scheme is, and by the time she re-emerges, Toby’s already started dismantling Eira’s toolbox just by being a hero.
We also know from The Winter Long that Eira has ways of knowing when a geas of hers has been broken, since she was the one who evidently showed up in person to kill the Luidaeg. Meaning it’s not entirely impossible she has a line on Toby through the geas at this point, and therefore knows it was Devin herself. From there, it’s as simple as sending Oleander in to kill one changeling and however many Cait Sidhe are necessary to reclaim the hope chest, which Eira would absolutely order without a second thought. We don’t know how conscious Eira is while dead, not just elf-shot (and given her powers include “the Sleeping Beauty thing” making her hard to kill even by Firstborn standards, dead is likely a key point there,) but as she’s said, she’s fine playing the long game. There might be a time frame on when she wants her hope chest recovered, and obviously Devin needs dealing with before he gets up to too much trouble, but both of these are far more manageable than Toby continuing to exist and muck up her plans.
So... Did Eira intend for this geas to kill Toby, banking on the fact that a supposed Daoine Sidhe investigator would go straight for her blood and make the curse worse? I think that’s very possible, if not outright likely. It really only just needs a workaround for how that geas can kill Toby in the first place, which is an issue regardless. (If nothing else, it’s a ‘heads I win, tails you lose’ situation - if Toby survives then the hope chest is safe until she can pick it up and a problem is dealt with, and if Toby dies then Devin’s still much less of a risk to her since he’s not involved in any known prophecies.)
Did Eira maybe have a conscious line on this geas and therefore it magically knew that, ACTUAL key point of ‘find who did this’ now being fulfilled, Toby’s survival was irrelevant and frankly detrimental to her schemes? That one I think is a stretch, especially since we see the geas actually dissipate once Devin’s dead. It’d come way too close to her actually, directly harming Toby, and the geas itself is already stretching things to near breaking just from what it does (presumably) passively. But there’s something to be said about the fact that, when the geas very very nearly kills Toby, she’s achieved its goals. The only thing Eira still needs is someone who can follow the trail and deal with it for her.
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funny
to think that there would be a good end
a moment where the book closes
arrogant
to think that I could write my own end
punctuated with periods and commas as I like
hubris
to think that I could tidy up my life in death
a task monumental in life
foolish
to think that just maybe I can cap the bottle
stop my fizz from spilling onto your carpet
sad
to know that I will continue to bubble and churn
burning and sticking to the bottom of every pan I am placed in
they say the warning signs are clear.
giving away items.
closing accounts.
packing personal belongings.
writing letters.
feeling lighter, unburdened.
being happier.
if I could do those things I would have already
fold my laundry neatly
track my finances
clean my room
dress my appearance
release my weight
find closure in my relationships
to think that I could do this any more in death than I could in life
funny
arrogant
foolish
sad
sad
sad
sad
sad
sad
sad
sad
sad
sad
sad
sad
sad
sad
stupid
stupid
stupid
stupid
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