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mochiimiiki · 1 year

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| Saeran Choi Headcanons |

{GE Saeran x mc}

Warnings: spoilers for Saeran/ Ray route and after ending, sevens real name, some parts slightly suggestive (will be marker) so feel free to ignore those bits

A/N: the amount of pain and angst this man specifically has gone through is unbearable, out of all of the RFA members him and seven had it worst (my opinion). Anyways some happy hc because i think he deserves to be happy

- - -

After everything was resolved between Saeran and Saeyoung (which mind you took a while) the three of you decided to move and leave behind Saeyoung’s bunker, a place you had called home for the last six months

the reason for this choice was quite simple; a reminder of what was.

the twins didn’t need a reminder of everything that had happened over the course of time anymore than they needed the unpleasant memories. So they left.

The house which saeran and you moved to is a beautiful cottage, with a small farm attached. Saeran spends most of his days attending to the livestock and garden he grows, don’t worry though he definitely doesn’t neglect you (whether saeyoung came or not is up to you)

Saeran spends his days down in the dirt, very literally. As he’s all hands and knees and very much determined the best plants are grown from intense love and care

other than gardening and farming Saeran’s other past times are reading. He doesn’t have a particularly favourite genre but loves a good book with a happy ending. He reads all the books he can possibly get his hands on, very much including children books and fantasy novels. He was deprived of imagination when he was small so now he allows himself to indulge in it as he’s free to do

Saeran spends as much time with Saeyoung as he does his garden. This is mostly because Saeyoung is always around helping out on the farm, trying after years of being seperated to bond with his brother. Saeran deeply appreciates Saeyoung doing this as he knows being outside is something out of a comfort zone for Saeyoung (with unpleasant memories still always fresh Saeyoung feels safest behind a desk and screen).

Saeran is actually afraid of the dark so hopefully you don’t mind but he keeps a little nightlight by his bed side, it’s actually a cat and can change all sort of colours. It was invented by Saeyoung no doubt. Saeran treasures it with his whole heart.

Everytime you and Saeran go shopping he always collects a little toy, his inner child never had so much as a teddy bear so when he sees something he likes he gets it. Of course he asks you if he even should or if that’s silly, but naturally you insist that it’ll help heal his inner child.

Everytime Saeran sees you he gives you a kiss. On the forehead, cheek, neck, shoulder or lips it really doesn’t matter. He feels like giving you a kiss each time you see one another. It grounds him, reminds him that even though he has nightmares this, with you, is real.

Which means he ends up kissing you very often; you’re watching tv and he comes in from the garden. A kiss. You’re making dinner together and you go to the toilet, come back, a kiss. it doesn’t matter how much time apart you’ve spent. He just has to give you a kiss.

Now as mentioned before he does get nightmares and unfortunately they’re quite often, gently shake him awake if you hear him crying out in his sleep and murmur that it’ll be okay. He’ll hold you without saying anything until he drifts off again. Over time they fade away as he heals.

{suggestive} each time the two of you make love, and yes it’s 100% love making, saeran makes it his duty to tend to you. Running a soft, warm cloth over your body as you come down from your high. fixing your sweaty hair out of your face before heading off to fetch you some water and maybe a snack if you’re hungry. He treasures you and shows you that every way possible.

ofc u should give him aftercare everyone once in awhile (after you do he’ll not stop kissing ur face <3)

Saeran is a very tactile person. He went so long without physical touch that now he has yours he won’t let it go, ever. Has a hand on you, hovering about you or grabbing you every time he’s around. It’s probably another form of grounding for him, especially in crowded places where he feels very out of place and anxious.

Saeran 100% has hands on you everytime you kiss as well. and i mean everytime.

Work wise neither you nor saeran probably need to work as saeyoung has a lot of money and sold multiple cars to give saeran money. (he confirms at one point the gathering of cars was for his family)

However, Saeran never got to experience normal work and pay and so he does in fact work for awhile. He stays on with Jumin even after Jumin got elected and worked as part of a security team for a few months. But when you guys moved to the cottage/ farm he quit his job to focus on his life with you and Saeyoung. He just wanted a little bit of normalcy to feel complete.

One thing that doesn’t sit right with him no matter how much time has gone by is being out and about in a normal shop with normal people. It just never feels quite normal. He will of course insist on coming with you anytime you want to go shopping but other than that he doesn’t express any interest in exploring things like the cinema or public pools. Public places with so many people make him uncomfortable, especially with the way he’s recognised now because of the debacle with his dad.

His sanctuary is being in your arms, chatting with Saeyoung and your little farm together. (farmer Saeran brainrot)

Saeran devotes everything he has to you, that fact does not change no matter how much time passes. Every choice he makes is with you in mind, despite the fact you trying to dissuade him in order for him to form his own choices. But they are still his own decisions that he was free to make, he didn’t decide these things because he felt indebted to you but rather because he simply adores you and that was what he wanted to do to show you.

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saphcreates · 2 months

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It's been like 8 years but the brainrot still exists

+_+

#saeran choi #my art #saeran #mystic messenger #mystic+messenger #mysme #mysmes #baby artist #suit saeran #saeran x mc

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pinkishyart · 1 year

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"In the middle of the night

just call my name,

I'm yours to tame..."

Suit Saeran x MC

#mystic messenger fanart #mystic messenger #mystic messenger saeran #suit saeran #saeran x mc #mystic messenger mc #fanart #digital aritst #digital fanart #digital art #art

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asterjennifer · 2 years

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~ Saeran Fanfiction Recommendations ~

I thought it would be nice doing this again and present the pieces I, personally, have saved in my bookmarks because I enjoyed them or had them break my heart! ❤️

────────⋆✦♡✦⋆─────────

For Eternal Paradise by Saerandipity707

Based on Ray route: BE 1 → Smut

My favorite smut Fic of Ray!^^ The bad ending's nailed perfectly and it's still not too much to read for my taste.

Promise by Scummy

SE Saeran x Reader → Smut

A beautiful fic. Saeran tries to hide that he's not ready, but the reader confronts and comforts him. 100/10!!

then fixed his teeth your heart beneath

by Khismer

Vampire Unknown x Reader

The humor in this one is hilarious, I laughed as rarely as with this story. Their relationship's the definition of crack^^

Out of Control by Saerandipity707

Suit Saeran x Reader → Smut

Saeran is torn between taking what he wants and doing what he thinks he needs to do. I like their dynamic in this~

Revolution by ilupant

Unknown X Nurse Reader

Inspired me for the "Ravishingly Uncomfortable" Series. He's so manipulative and I love the way he's portrayed!

A New Something Beautiful

by Destini Islands (Destini)

Ray (Saeran) x Reader → Smut

I like how he switches persona in this one all because she asks him to try dirty talk, it certainly worked lmfao.

Honeysuckle by ilupant

SE Saeran x Reader

A beautiful portrayal for Saeran to get confronted with MC's feelings towards him. It's decent, not over the top <3

Comfort Sex by Scummy

SE Saeran x Reader → Smut

His insecurities get to him so dearly, it's truly comforting to see him admit his feelings and share it with the reader.

Eighteen Hours by morninwarri0r

Saeran x Reader

I really loved how the two are just strangers on a airplane at first, coming to interact until they get together. It's cute!

Crucified by JustADeadGirlWriting

Savior Saeran x Reader → Smut

The angst's subtle, but adding it to my fav. I've never seen a Savior Saeran fic where the reader's put lower than him.

Everything More Than a Dream

by bad_boy_dan

Saeran x Fictional Reader

Love the reverse of Saeran falling for the reader as a fictional character that he likes to replay over and over!

How the warmth will melt the ice

by JustADeadGirlWriting

Post-GE Suit Saeran x Reader

In which suit wakes up for the first time after the GE and comforts you in your sleep during a nightmare. It's lovely.

say what you want (what is it you really want?) by soleum

SE Saeran x Reader → Smut

They have a love-hate relationship, but Saeran being a sadistic little flirt always gets to me for personal reasons–

You (don't) hate her. by orphan_account

SE Saeran x Reader

His struggling's written very painfully in this one! But the reader comes to comfort him after a panic attack.

Dangerous Affairs

by Half_SubmergedinPurgatory

Ray x Reader → Smut

Full on possessive Ray with a kinky Reader. Literal sin in case you need some pwp from time to time lmfao.

I fucking love when you hate me

by TearingCold

Ray (Saeran) x Reader → Smut

In this you have Ray being taught some love which's followed by.. kinky and a bit sick Saeran smut *chuckle*

fixing the grades. by yandereshit

Student Saeran x Student Reader → Smut

A short student AU. The summary of their story's literally "( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)" and I think that sums it up pretty well—–-

────────⋆✦♡✦⋆─────────

If any of you have recommendations, let me know! I might add them to the list.

If anyone's gonna point out it's mostly smut I will throw you into Rika's basement

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rfaromance · 11 months

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ok ok so human suit leaving cat suit with MC. saeray and mc leaving mint eye the next day and it's not until they reach the cabin that saeray wonders what happened to cat suit if mc is with him now. he isn't going to say anything bc mc doesn't need more things to worry about and then mc opens their bag and is like "okay you can come out now" and a second later saeray has a lap full of black and white fur and it is purring LOUDLY. and probably meowing, bc cats will yell at you for leaving

"Okay, you can come out now."

Saeray could not believe his eyes as a delightfully familiar heap of black-and-white fur fell onto his lap. His gaze flickered first to his beloved, then to his lap, then to the bag, then back to his smiling lover.

He was unsure of where his focus should be or what to say first. Ever since he had grabbed MC's hand to make an escape from their gilded birdcage, his mind had simultaneously been the clearest it had ever been but also as tumultuous as a typhoon.

"When... did you...?"

He didn't get a chance to finish his question, as a high-pitched yowl cut him off. The cry for his attention effectively brought Saeray's eyes back to his lap, where Suit the cat (MC had informed him this was a cat) continued to make distressed meows.

For a moment, Saeray expected the cat to jump and run underneath a chair or cower in the corner. He knew Suit was a skittish creature, and even if the Saeran who first found the cat was still part of him... Saeray was not the same person who Suit knew. Would he resent both of them for the events that led to him ending up here? MC, too?

The feeling of anxious claws digging into his thigh almost seemed to confirm Saeray's worst fears. But then he saw that the cat had extended his snout to give Saeray's shirt a cautious sniff. Hesitantly, Saeray lifted a shaky hand and held it just above the cat's ears.

Once again, Suit gave a careful sniff. He paused, as if evaluating the scent and the other aspects of this new person. Just as Saeray expected Suit to use his legs as a launchpad, the cat rammed his head against the young man's hovering hand. Purring like a computer hard drive, Suit butted his head against Saeray's hand repeatedly, then nuzzled his face up and down the young man's arm, eager to mark him with his scent.

"I knew he'd like you," MC announced at last, a beaming smile on their face. "He loves you, all of you. Just as I d--"

A wailing meow cut them off. Clearly, Suit did not want to share the attention with anyone else right now. He walked in a circle and then settled himself squarely in the middle of Saeray's lap, digging his nose firmly into the man's abdomen.

Saeray chuckled and blinked slowly at MC. A simple gesture, but with his eyes full of glistening tears of joy, it was one that indicated his understanding, his appreciation, and his adoration for his lover's kindness.

He'd learned that trick from Suit.

#saeran choi #GE saeran #Saeray #saeran x mc #mystic messenger #mysmes #mysme #mm #Suit the cat #thanks for the ask!#anon

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darling-aries · 11 months

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Taylor Swifts unreleased song Need 100% gives me GE Saeran and Ray vibes.

youtube

Want is the cigarette smoke on a jacket

You wore to the wrong part of town

Desire is the sound of the whiskey

Telling me you miss me, can you come around?

Passion is a passing thing

It's accidental chemistry

Lust is a liar, a short-lived fire

It ain't what you and I are at all

Oh, it's a need, it's a need

I would go anywhere that you lead

I am hopeless, breathless, burning slow

Touch me, hold me, tell me, "I won't let you go"

I won't leave, it's a need

Danger is a thousand prickles on my neck

That tell me to run or to freeze

Fear is the nightmare I had, you were with someone else

You forgot about me

Passion is a passing thing

It's accidental chemistry

Caught up in a feeling, it can be deceiving

This is like breathing for me

Oh, it's a need, it's a need

I would go anywhere that you lead

I am hopeless, breathless, burning slow

Touch me, hold me, tell me, "I won't let you go"

I won't leave, it's a need

Baby, it's always

A new kiss every time we do this

The truth is

It's essential to me

That you love me more than

Wishing, longing

Oh, it's a need (It's a need), it's a need (Ah-ah, ah-ah)

I would go (I would go) anywhere (Anywhere) that you lead (Oh, oh)

I am hopeless, breathless, burning slow (Burning slow)

Touch me, hold me, tell me, "I won't let you go"

I won't leave (I won't leave), it's a need (Oh)

#ge suit saeran #ge saeran x mc #ge saeran x reader #ge saeran #searan choi #se searan #mysticmessenger #mystic mesenger #mysme #mystic messenger fanfiction #mystic messenger searan #ray mm #ray mystic messenger #mystic messenger ray #Youtube

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oceanlipgloss · 11 months

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DOLL OF MAGENTA

SAERAN.

+ warnings: erotic themes.

Metallic candy wrappers sparkle in the cold light of monitors. Mint eyes glow blue. Cigarette smoke swirls in the cool glow. Cyan tinges the venomous white roll between his lips.

And then she walks in, draped in black leather, silver metal and shiny lace, her pale skin shimmering blue in the gleam of multiple screens.

Her body suddenly blocks the numbers and letters on display; she had sat on the desk before him. She gently pokes his chest with a cheeky toe, those cherry lips glistening with a teasing smile.

The doll of magenta. His doll.

A smirk on his lips. Arms around her waist, pulling her to his chest. He rises and takes her chin between colorless fingers, gaze on her pretty face blazing with a lust hot and emotions indescribable, long lashes casting dollish shadows upon his chiseled face.

His hand is fire on her delicate thigh. It might as well leave a mark, make her his in the little remaining manners possible. Plum petals from some time ago, pearls on her neck, pale on her collarbones and chest.

The doll of magenta, his prettiest sin, fire in his soul, passion in his body, ever so lovely.

+ MASTERLIST

+ AO3 POST

©𝙤𝙘𝙚𝙖𝙣𝙡𝙞𝙥𝙜𝙡𝙤𝙨𝙨

#unknown mystic messenger #mystic messenger fanfic #mystic messenger #mystic messenger saeran #unknown mysme #mysme fanfic #mysme saeran #mysme unknown #mysme smut #mm saeran #mm unknown #saeran choi #saeran x mc #suit saeran #unknown saeran #mysme #the story factory

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antiomnia · 7 months

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A few months ago, I was Going Through It, so I did what any sensible adult would do to process my circumstances: I binged Fruits Basket.

I couldn't help but notice similarities with Mystic Messenger, another piece of media that helped me in the same way before.

So I wrote this post, and forgot about it in my drafts. There must already be several posts like this, but here's my Mystic Messenger x Fruits Basket character comparison, and why they're the same people, imo.

Zen x Ayame: The dramatic "narcissistic" white haired sexyman with brother issues

Seven x Kyo: The redhead catboy, who doesn't open up to others because he thinks he's doomed

Yoosung x Momiji: The cute blonde boy with underlying abandonment issues

Jumin x Hatori: The emotionally unavailable fan of three-piece suits

V x Shigure: The gaslight gatekeep girlboss man

Vanderwood x Kazuma: The catboy's long haired mentor/protector

Rika x Akito: The pick me girl with god complex

MC x Tohru: The WAAAAAAAAY too forgiving main character

Saeran x Yuki: The traumatized boy who was once kidnaped by the one with god complex

Jaehee x Mitsuru: The "I'm not paid nearly enough to deal with this bullshit" worker woman

Bonus: Seven x Mine the white haired man's maid fantasy

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mochiimiiki · 2 years

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| Mornings |

A/N: I got bored waiting on my plane after my train to paris was cancelled and this happened.

Warnings: not much, sevens real name, mentions of past trauma, ig a little angsty

Summary: Life after his after ending

Saeran groaned as he turned over, patting the bed subconsciously searching for your sleeping form. He was instantly alert the moment he realised you weren’t there. Fear and anxiety prickled up his spine as he was acutely aware of the fact he was alone, mind racing with the most terrifying of thoughts as to why you’d leave him alone.

His anxiety only settled when he heard the clatter of pots and pans in the kitchen. His shoulders slumped with relaxation as he sank back into the bed.

His foggy mind was clearing and he was coming to his senses, you were safe. You, Saeyoung and him. Everyone was safe, and well. He had nothing to fear.

And yet, the prickling sensation that something was wrong wouldn’t leave his mind until he had you in his arms again.

Leaving the sanctity of the bed he clambered out quietly in search of you.

His actions made no noise as he pulled open the door to your joint bedroom, his steps made no thumps as he quietly crossed the open kitchen. He made no noise as he silently watched you sway your hips as you hummed some unintelligible tune.

As you turned to pick up the milk carton you startled at his piercing stare. His bright, mint-eyes never failed to catch you off guard. They were always wide and alert, quietly observing the situation before them. A silent reminder to his tormented past.

“Oh, Saeran.” You breathed a sigh, hand over heart calming your racing beat. “You frightened me.”

Saeran’s calm face, studious eyes, broke out into a smile. Skin crinkling around his eyes. He chuckled. “Good morning, my love.” It was a reminder that his past was his past, you were his future. Standing before him cooking, messily.

You hummed your appraise and he moved further towards you, hands gravitating towards your waist as he stood silently behind you. He pressed a kiss in between your shoulder blades. He felt your body shudder against his and a chuckle slipped past his lips.

“I love you.” He whispered to you, it was a silent plea to never leave him.

“I love you.“ You repeated, a reminder that you weren’t going anywhere.

#mysme #mysme saeran #mystic messenger #mystic messenger x reader #zen mystic messenger #saeranmysticmessenger #ge saeran #unknown saeran #mystic messenger saeran #saeran x oc #saeran x mc #suit saeran #saeran x reader #saeyoungmysticmessenger #seven x mc #jumin han #seven mystic messenger

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xelasrecords · 5 months

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As One So Half

Han Jumin x MC

Jumin goes to V's house after burying him, marking the first time he visits without his friend waiting on the porch.

Based on the Secret Ending with some changes, most notably the MC being romantically involved with Jumin instead of Saeyoung. How differently would Jumin grieve if he had someone by his side?

CW: graphic descriptions of death and grief

Words: 6k

Masterlist Read on AO3

Grief had hung upon V and him for as long as Jumin could remember. At times, it was a shadow lurking in the dark. Other times, it was a crushing weight that broke his ribcage in. From the moment Jumin crashed his toy car into V's house and V bargained for his friendship in exchange for forgiveness, they had invited grief to sit with them like a premonition. Their friendship started with an accident and ended with one.

The clamour at Mint Eye still reverberated in Jumin's ears. How his security guards broke through the cult doors and he caught a mop of turquoise hair on the ground, stupidly relieved that V was finally within reach and Jumin could ask him everything he had been holding back. How the relief was brusquely cut with terror when it dawned on him that it was V, sprawled on the floor, unmoving.

Jumin had rushed in and almost slipped in his own friend's crimson blood, finding purchase on his still warm hand and feeling for his pulse and came back with nothing. He had pulled V into his lap and saw V's head drop without resistance, noticed his chest not rising and falling and thought the sensation of it unnerving. He had pressed on V's gunshot wound, willing the blood to stop flowing. No words could come out of his throat. He closed V's clouded mint eyes with stiff fingers and both knees in the pool of blood.

The blood was warm and had soaked into his dress pants. He could still feel the fabric clinging to his legs.

When he registered the pandemonium around him, Rika was already keening below the gaudy throne and Saeran had crumpled into a foetal position, a gun inches away from him. Saeyoung had fainted and was hauled by a brown-haired stranger. The new party coordinator was scrambling at V's pants pocket, her cheek streaked with blood. She's alive, Jumin had thought dully. Saeyoung was wrong. V didn't betray her. Jumin could not reach for her despite his heart. His limbs had petrified on the ground V died on.

Jumin saw V dead over and over. He saw V in the shower where he stood underneath the water, diluting the blood from his three-piece suit and rinsed away what was left of V from him. He saw V in the bed where the fifth glass of wine had muffled his senses but failed to put him to sleep. He saw V at the funeral before they closed the casket, his face frozen in a serene smile as if there was anything peaceful in being shot to death.

That was how Jumin lost V for the final time. He would not see him again.

Jumin stood alone in V's living room now and he didn't know where to start. There was no user manual for clearing up one's dead friend's belongings. His hand hovered over the light switch before rendering it useless. The harsh tangerine sunset cut through the open windows and washed the rustic room aglow. It was enough lighting and a reminder that V was gone. V would have paused with awe on his face and took a photograph.

Jumin had come over right after V's burial, and restless silence had greeted him where V's earnest welcome should have. The refrigerator hummed from the dark kitchen, the grandfather clock ticked on, and the brine in the cool breeze pricked at his skin. The quiet was deafening, devoid of the laughter that he was used to.

It wasn't just the house. The anxious chitter in Jumin's head had deadened as well. It used to thrum without end when V started to disappear and come back as if everything was fine two years ago, but Jumin could always detect the nervous fiddling and the melancholy that weighed him down. He had begun to lose V since then. He simply didn't know it yet.

Two years was a long time not to know peace, and there was no peace in the aftermath. Only resounding emptiness remained. For two years, Jumin had been living with fear fused into his bones that he couldn't recall another way to live. Two years of being on high alert, wishing V would put an end to it.

V finally did now.

Jumin knew the logical conclusion was that he was grieving, but he was a distant observer watching his grief engulf him. Nothing was as heavy as this sorrow, as the tether of his soul being cut in half. He couldn't see the end to it, this grief that had started since V was alive. Each time V returned from his long absences, he was more damaged, more changed, and there was nothing Jumin could do to help.

He almost missed the days of fearing for V's safety when V was at least still alive. If Jumin focused on the well-being of the RFA and the mess Rika left behind, he could feel normal, as if nothing had changed. He could delude himself that none of this was real. It was easier to handle practical tasks than turn to his emotions, easier to care for others than himself.

Jumin walked past a line of small cacti on the bookshelf and headed to the brown leather sofa, grazing it with his fingers. He could almost hear V telling him to sit down, wait here, as he made a fuss in the kitchen over which wine he thought Jumin would enjoy the most. Jumin would then say that all wine was enjoyable with the right company and V was the best company anyone could have. V would modestly shrug it away, but it wouldn't stop Jumin from reassuring him that he was worthy of the title.

V was not here anymore, yet Jumin hadn't lost the ability to predict his moves like he could predict his own thoughts. No matter the secrets V brought to his grave, he was still the friend that Jumin knew. But if V had in him a semblance of the friend that Jumin was familiar with, shouldn't he have been able to read V's mind in the past few years?

He would never forgive V for leaving on his own.

Slowly, Jumin walked and stopped outside V's bedroom. Though the white oak door was wide open, he couldn't bring himself to take another step. He hadn't been aware that the last time he entered would be the last. V's arm had been slung around his shoulder as he hauled him into bed. Jumin remembered V chuckling drunkenly, hopelessly, pleading with him to keep it from Rika.

He had known something was wrong then, but assumed V would confide in him in his own time. Jumin had faith in his friend and clung to the hope that it was reciprocated. What hope it was. Some lessons you could only learn not merely after hitting rock bottom, but after you were dragged across the serrated surface and bled out alone.

Jumin leaned his head against the door frame, watching dust motes drifting above the unmade bed. He wished they had met up more often. He should have hunted V down for even one night of conversation over wine. However disappointed Jumin was in V, his yearning to tell him of his pain was even greater. For years, V had been the first and only person who came to mind when he wanted to talk, and that had not changed.

"You've abandoned me, V," Jumin murmured under his breath.

He could forgive V for almost anything, but not for leaving him alone in a world where he was already alone.

Suddenly, he felt a light tap on his shoulder, and he closed his eyes. For one second, he could pretend it was V about to tell him that his death was just another lie he concocted to cover up a greater evil. This lie he would forgive. He would give up nearly all his possessions for the one person who shaped all that was human in him, who then took it with him when he left. Jumin was only masquerading as a person on the outside; his soul had drifted somewhere he could not follow.

But the hand on Jumin was too reverent and not at all like V's. It was the hand that had brought him to his feet after the paramedics wheeled V's body away, the hand that held him tightly as if he would break if she let go. He would not. Not in front of everyone. He never learned how to, and there were people to take care of.

Jumin fixed his tie, braced himself for another wave of bad news, and turned around.

But the party coordinator cut in before he could speak. "Everyone got back safely from the cemetery," she said. In the shadowed room, the rings of exhaustion beneath her eyes were barely noticeable. She hadn't changed out of her black mourning attire—a silk ruffle blouse with sleeves that cinched at her wrists and a long skirt that flared down to her calves. "Rika went with Yoosung and Zen, Saeyoung returned to the hospital for Saeran, and I just got off a call with Jaehee. She was brewing coffee at her home."

Her method of mentally tracking the members was not unlike his. Jumin couldn't deny his gratitude for the familiarity and her concern for them. "And you're here at V's home," he commented. "I suppose this could be a safe place for you. I used to find it a sanctuary myself."

"Is it still?"

"One would think I'd hate coming back to my dead friend's place, but I can feel him here." He let the rough texture of the wallpaper scrape the pads of his fingers. There was a faint maroon stain against the beige where V had spilt his wine while laughing at Jumin's office anecdote. "He might have built this house for him and Rika, but everything here speaks of him, even the things he got out of devotion for her. They are still his devotion. In the safety of these walls, V lives on."

Perhaps he didn't come here to sort out V's belongings. His subconscious might have led him here to seek shelter from the disasters in the ghost of V's warmth. His spirit could even linger here. Jumin longed for a sign that his fascination with the occult would be proven true.

Her eyes swept through the house, taking in the mismatched antiques that V dearly loved. Jumin wondered what impression they left on her, if she could see what he saw and felt what he felt. "Do you think he's saying anything right now?"

"If he does, I cannot catch it. He's too distant from me to predict," Jumin said without inflection. "It wasn't always like this."

She studied him—not with pity, he noticed with a muted surprise—but sorrow. It felt too much like a burden that he had to change the subject.

"Have you ever had to bury someone you love?" he asked.

She faced ahead. There was a remote look in her eyes that pulled her from the present as if she was reliving a bygone time. At that moment, she felt almost as distant as V was. Jumin did not know yet how that would feel, but he realised with a pang that she had known unbearable pain, and wished he had been there for her. "Yes," she said. "I wanted to claw them out."

He did not quite share her feelings. Rather than unearthing V's corpse, Jumin wanted to revive him through the debt of unfulfilled promises, or necromancy. But here was someone who understood. He wouldn't take her for granted. He had lost enough in this life.

"It must be suffocating inside," Jumin noted.

She nodded. "It's probably good that he can't feel pain anymore."

Jumin didn't have to ask which he she was referring to. "I would've been happy for him if he didn't leave a mess behind."

"I heard what you said earlier when you blamed him for leaving without you," she said, watchful gaze seeking a change in his expression. "Did you want to go with him?"

Jumin's jaw tightened. "I want him not to go at all."

"He must have been special for you to love him that much."

Jumin scoffed. "He was definitely extraordinary, to have wreaked this much havoc in the RFA. V is—was complicated. Despite all the things he'd done, I can't see him as anything but a good friend, but the magnitude of his faults isn't something I can look past either."

"I think he tried to do good at the end," she said. "I was there when he tried to right his wrongs. I saw his sacrifices, but we can't neglect the casualties and how he dealt with things. I wish he understood that one poor decision could snowball into something too massive to handle alone."

"The road to hell is paved with good intentions." It was an axiom that Jumin came across when he was young, but its meaning never dawned on him until he was forced to see it in V's downfall. "Trying to understand V is like reading a book you love upside down in a mirror. Deep down, you know the story is one that you keep close to your heart, but you struggle to make sense of it when the words are jumbled. It's hard for me to accept that V had changed so thoroughly without my knowing."

She rested her back against the doorframe, stretching out her legs until their toes almost touched. "It may be that he was neither good nor bad. It's impossible to box people into two rudimentary options."

Jumin laughed mirthlessly. "Oh, he was no doubt a bad parent to the twins."

She sighed. "A child should be loved and protected, and it's always more important that they feel your love. It's not their job to constantly convince themselves they're safe and loved. It should be easy for them to know how much love they deserve without worrying it would be taken away if they're not good enough." There was a frown between her brows that Jumin itched to ease out. "It wasn't just V, but Rika too. One through passive neglect, the other active violence." She put her hands into her skirt pockets, her voice softened. "Do you hate the twins? Saeran?"

The mention of Saeran was a blow to his gut, as it did whenever he imagined Saeran firing the gun at V, a scene that he never got to witness. Jumin was not sure if it was good that he never did, for now he was left to forever wonder how V felt in his final moments. The loud bang was all he heard when he stood outside the locked gates, and his desperation to get to V was the only thing that kept him upright on his feet.

"V failed the twins. Half of his failure is mine, and I consider it my duty to finish what he started," said Jumin in a tone that brooked no contradiction. "The RFA is family. That includes Saeyoung's lost brother. I have to protect them. You've seen how much danger they're in. I would've helped V if I had known. I have the power and resources at my disposal." His gaze strayed to the unopened Romanée-Conti bottle on the copper side table in the living room. Jumin had gifted the wine to V after a trip to France, but he never got to taste it. There were a lot of things V would never get to do. "I would have, if only he'd asked."

She unhitched herself from the wall and stepped closer to him. In all bewilderment, his breath halted. He had thought it impossible to feel anything but numbed anguish since V died. "You have a remarkable capacity for forgiveness and an even more remarkable heart, Jumin." She laid her palm on his chest, right on top of his beating heart. "I've always admired your compassion—I haven't forgotten how you flew back home the minute you knew I was living with a bomb—but you still surprise me with how good you are. Not everyone can do what you do, and you do them without being forced. Among all the people I've met, you're one of the kindest. No wonder V chose you as his best friend. I would too."

Her words were awfully gentle and soothing, urging him to pull her into his embrace and let down his armour. It was such an outlandish desire that Jumin found himself almost reaching for his phone to inform V about his latest emotional development, the realisation catching up a second late that V's phone was in his possession now, that it would just ring in his pocket and he wouldn't hear any more Jumin, it's you. How is Elizabeth the Third? and he wouldn't exhale in relief because V sounded fine, there was nothing wrong with him or their friendship, and he could finally sleep without relying on wine.

The deepest wound V left behind was the loneliness Jumin didn't know he was capable of feeling. He could not reminisce about V with anyone because no one knew him exactly like Jumin did. No one knew V used to have a spark of mischief in his eyes that he would cover up by feigning innocence and everyone but Jumin would fall for. No one knew V used to laugh with abandon when they snuck out of their childhood homes and raced to catch the sunrise breaking over Han River. Even Jumin's impeccable memory might not stand a chance against time. He might forget the sound of V's laugh as age corroded him. There would be no one to keep V alive after he passed.

Jumin put away her hand, not daring to indulge in the feel of her skin. "You give me more honour than I deserve."

"Because you don't give yourself enough."

Jumin stared at her with bleak despair. "Have you ever thought that I may not want to choose him back? That if I could go back in time, I may not want to begin this friendship with him, knowing how he would end?"

She tilted her head and watched him sadly. "V kept the contract too."

"The contract the two of you signed when you became friends. He kept it in his pocket." She carefully unfolded a yellowing paper from her pocket and handed it to him.

Jumin blanched. Whatever argument he was about to launch dissipated into thin air.

"What?" he croaked, the question scratching at his throat.

With trembling hands and quick strides, Jumin brought the paper to the windowsill. The sky above the slated roof was a fiery blaze that burnished their childish signatures with orange light. Jumin could feel the flames of fury licked at him, though for what he couldn't reason. It was V keeping yet another secret when Jumin thought he had lost his copy of the contract. It was the guilt of swearing not to forgive V when V had cherished him until his end.

Jumin bowed his head over V's barely legible handwriting, scrutinising every swoop and slant that dictated the start of their friendship. I hereby declare myself a friend to Han Jumin. At the end was a measly drawing of a toy car in green ink that had faded with time. There was dried blood staining the edges of the paper, blood both new and old.

"Why are you giving this to me now?" Jumin asked tersely.

She stood by his side. "I thought you wouldn't want to see it with everyone around."

Jumin couldn't peel his eyes away from the paper. The words were starting to morph into one another. It was the shortest contract he had ever signed. He had thought it effective. Now he wondered whether the contract length was directly and infernally proportionate to the period of their friendship. He should have included a clause to prevent his idiotic friend from doing anything that tempted death.

Jumin clutched the broken contract to his chest, hunching over it like it was V's lifeline, his breathing quickly becoming erratic. There was an awful pressing against his ribcage, a grotesque need to grieve with emotions bursting out of him as he had implored V to do when he thought V was mourning for Rika, but he couldn't. He had locked himself in this glass prison for as long as he could recall, and now he was paying the price. Thick, unscalable walls closed in around him. No matter how hard he pushed, he could not break through. He could not cry.

His best friend had died and he could not shed a tear.

"It's okay if you can't cry. It's okay," she muttered close to his ear. "You're not wrong for not crying. I know you're hurting. You don't have to prove that with your tears."

His breathing was out of his control. The sea air was choking him. He wanted to check on his cufflinks and tie clip and whether the tuck of his shirt was perfectly even on all sides. He wanted to fall to his knees.

He felt an arm around his shoulders and a hand gripping him, enveloping him with a warm, decadent scent that he always associated with her.

"I was supposed to go first," Jumin heaved out, words tumbling out of his mouth before he could stop them.

She stiffened. "What do you mean?"

"I was supposed to go first," he said. "When we were teenagers, V promised he wouldn't die before me. He'd always been reckless and I was afraid of losing him, so I made him swear an oath. I thought I could keep him alive if I tied him to me."

Her face contorted in pain. "It's not your fault, Jumin. You can't change his decision when it's not yours to change. V has chosen his path and you can't follow him. You can't."

But Jumin wasn't listening. "For years when I forgot how to be human, I only ever had to turn to V as my reminder. He was my mirror of truth. In the steadfastness of his friendship, I found the conviction in myself that I am human, that I am capable of being generous and kind and all the things you mentioned. I can only stand before you and be the person you admire because of V. I owe him my entire life, but it is not much of a life to live when he won't be there to see the end of it."

"It's still your life. That is important." Her fingers slid up his jaw and cradled his face with tenderness. It was the closest Jumin ever got with anyone, the most loving touch he had ever received. It made him want to simultaneously shatter into pieces and pull himself together. "I wish V knew how loved he is. I can see how much goodness he inspired in you, and you in him. I'm sorry you lost him so soon. You should have had more time."

"I thought we put in each other the same amount of faith," Jumin said. "I thought our shared history meant more to him. I knew he had secrets and trusted that he kept them with the best intentions. That trust was misplaced."

"You trusted him because he gave you no reason to doubt him. It is as you said. How could you have known that your closest friend went behind your back when all he had been was good to you?"

"I don't know." Jumin's reply was a whisper of a broken boyhood dream. "Twenty years I have called him my best friend and gloried in the truth of it right before my eyes. Now I don't even know how to be without him."

"Oh, Jumin." Her hands slipped to the back of his neck and held him close. Soft wisps of her hair tickled his cheek. "You will learn. It will be tough, but there's no other way. You just live through it, one day at a time. But know that I'm here with you."

There was no one who could see through him as well as V did, no one who could understand him with a single glance and infinite patience. Jumin wondered if he would catch V's exact shade of turquoise on anyone else's head. He wondered if he wanted to.

"Thank you," Jumin mumbled into her neck, allowing himself to stay in that position for five seconds, counting them in his head, before pulling away. "I must ask you something. How did you know that V had the contract on his person?"

She hesitated. "It fell out when we were locked in the cult prison and Saeyoung... hurt him out of anger. I saw V putting it back into his pocket. It was the first thing he salvaged when Saeyoung stopped. I'm sorry I couldn't stop him. I tried to shield V but Vanderwood dragged me back."

A bolt of pain struck Jumin when he realised it was how V got the bruises that he inspected on the cold metal table in the mortuary. And another when it hit him that she might have got injured during the commotion.

Jumin grasped her elbows and scanned her figure, wondering if the long sleeves and skirt were to cover up the bruises. "Were you hurt?"

She seemed startled but quickly recovered. "Not intentionally."

His stomach dropped with dread. "Then why did you intentionally throw yourself before someone who meant harm? Have you no concern for yourself?"

"I thought the kicks were getting too much for V," she said. "And for you. Your heart would break if you saw him so battered. He didn't even try to protect himself, Jumin."

"Neither did you, it seemed."

"Better I get hurt than him. He was already so weak. He couldn't anticipate the blows because he was blind. I don't think he even wanted to. He just lay there sputtering apologies and claimed all Rika's faults as his." The arch of her chin was a challenge, and in it, Jumin saw the quality that attracted him to her, not that he would mention it at the moment. "Tell me you wouldn't do the same."

He was starting to suspect he gravitated to a certain type of people. "That is hardly a fair comparison," he gritted through his teeth. "You don't know him like I do."

"Do I have to befriend someone to protect them?"

Jumin shot her a sharp look. "You should have known the danger you were in."

"And I know you love him!" she snapped.

Jumin was stunned. She was not one to lose her composure, least of all at him.

"You love him," she said again, lower this time, "so I looked after him."

"God." Jumin put his palms over his face, trying to ignore the convoluted pain that twisted and thrashed in his chest. Yet another person he failed to take care of, added to his list of failures. It was a short list, but the guilt would stay for a long while.

"Jumin," she said. "I know my limit. And it was Saeyoung. Beneath his anger was grief. I had to trust that he wouldn't do anything deadly to me. Besides, he's apologised and I've got myself checked up. Only bruises. Nothing fatal."

Jumin's hands fell to his sides. "Only?" he said incredulously. "He could have caused serious harm to you."

She lifted her brow. "Do you prefer V to take the brunt of it instead?"

Jumin stared at her in disbelief. "You can't do that. You can't be like him and sacrifice yourself recklessly to save people. Do you expect me to be grateful if my peace is paid with your blood?"

"It was quite strategic, actually," she said. "We split the pain between us. Not at all reckless."

"Don't you start."

She pressed her lips together, dissatisfied.

"I just wish to protect all that I care about," Jumin said. "I never want you or him to get hurt, but he did and now he's dead and there's only you left, so I can't"—he choked, pain lancing through him like wildfire—"I can't lose you either."

She closed her eyes briefly then took his hand, pressing it against her cheek. "You're not losing me. I'm alive, right here," she said. "When I was at Mint Eye, I could hold on because of you. I was thankful that you weren't there, that you were safely out of reach. And then you burst through the doors. I was horrified. I didn't want you to see V like that. I didn't want you to be near those elixirs and weapons." She kissed his knuckle, the softness of her lips sending shivers up his arm. "I'm just as afraid of losing you."

Jumin brushed a thumb across her cheekbone, guilt and helplessness roiled in him. "I'm sorry for getting angry. It isn't like me to lose my temper."

She shook her head. "You also just lost your best friend. Grief can pull out the worst in us and make us do things we don't normally do."

He sighed. "V has a salve here somewhere," he said stiltedly, unsure how to act in the face of kindness so unexpected in times like this. "Let me tend to your injuries. It's the least I can do."

She smiled. "Later. Let's not be too eager to get me out of my clothes."

Jumin nodded and placed the contract on the side table, tucking the edge beneath the Romanée-Conti. Somehow Jumin could tell she was being honest. She had never shied away from the cold truth, and it didn't seem like she was about to now. He didn't think he could bear it if she treated him like a fragile thing the way everyone around him seemed to.

A framed picture on the wall caught his attention. It was a photo of V and Jumin in their school uniforms sitting in the car, Jumin looking sullen while V sporting a wide grin. V was still an amateur photographer then, so the picture had more ceiling than boys.

Jumin remembered that day as vividly as the sting of chilli that had burned his tongue. V had been on a rebellious streak and dragged Jumin to ditch Driver Kim after school for a cup of tteokbokki by the street. While the rice cakes had a strange, pleasant chewy texture, their digestive systems were unprepared for the unhygienic street food.

It was the most horrendous stomachache Jumin had ever experienced.

After snapping the picture, V had fallen asleep on his shoulder while he recited his defence arguments for V, knowing only the harshest scolding was waiting for V at home. But V was stubborn. He would always pursue more adventures, and wherever V was, there Jumin was as well.

Jumin missed the weight of V's head on his shoulder, the feeling of V trusting and depending on him. They were always Jumin and V, V and Jumin, two inseparable boys who tried to make their gold-spun lives into something bigger than themselves but found solace in one another instead. They understood each other's familial pains and knew the right things to say when one was hurting. They made each other better just by existing.

"Did V mention me when you were with him?" asked Jumin.

"I'm sorry," she started, and he immediately wanted to stop listening. "He only blamed himself and talked about stopping Rika by giving himself up. But that doesn't mean he didn't care about you." She gestured at the contract. "That itself proves it."

Jumin thought he would be hurt, but there was only numbness inside him. "What were his last words?"

"Something about always being with Rika like the sun. How she was the love of his soul."

Jumin chuckled bitterly. Of course V would weave nonsensical poetry at his dying breath. He recalled his speech at the party a couple of days ago. Many people ignore the inconvenient truth for the sake of being comfortable, but true happiness only comes when one has faced that inconvenience. Now faced with the blunt truth, he found no joy to glean from it. He would never know V's final thoughts about him. In the end, even the truest truth couldn't bring V back alive.

"You said V has chosen his path," said Jumin, staring past the swaying grass outside, "but the path he walks on is a lonely one, and he walks it alone. Didn't he know that I would've carried his burden with him?"

But even as he spoke, he knew it was precisely why V couldn't confide in him. V, who would take every problem upon himself, who wouldn't let anyone suffer in his stead, whom Jumin wouldn't call Jihyun again because V hadn't permitted him to.

He could wait forever for a chance to call him Jihyun. He was still waiting for it.

"I'm confident he knew," she said. "He'd have to be blinder than he was not to see how selfless you are."

The corner of Jumin's mouth quirked up, but it wasn't a smile that reached his eyes. "V was the selfless one."

"It's not a competition."

He glanced at her. "Do you think he's reincarnated somewhere?"

The temperature was dropping as night approached. She shifted closer to him. "If he did, I hope he'd live a peaceful life."

"No," Jumin said adamantly. "He's done too many awful deeds to be reincarnated as a human. He should be an animal. A cat would be fitting."

She frowned. "I thought you liked cats."

"Humans and cats are two different things. I like cats. I have no desire to be one." His mind was set. V must be reincarnated. Only then Jumin could meet him again and forgive him. "I'll be on the lookout for emerald cats in case it's V. I'll provide him with everything he needs. He won't have to put himself in danger again."

If there was anyone Jumin loved more than himself, it was V. There was nothing he wouldn't do for him. And if V was threatened with a loaded gun, there was no saying that Jumin wouldn't take the bullet for him. How could he hate V for doing something that he would do himself? Perhaps they were more similar than he thought.

"Elizabeth the Third would welcome a green friend," she agreed.

"Of course." Jumin fixed the lapel of his black suit. V had bestowed Elizabeth the Third with her majestic name. There was nothing in Jumin's life that V had left untouched. "I need a drink."

Her eyes flitted from the childhood picture to him, her face mirroring the unending pain that wrapped around his heart, and he knew she had seen through him. "I brought wine," she said. "But first, dinner. I'll be disappointed if you let my cooking go to waste."

"You're caring for me," Jumin said. "You have been since the beginning. What an odd feeling. No one has ever cooked for me aside from my chef and V." He observed their elongating shadows on the hardwood floor, how they melded into the looming darkness in the room. "My utmost appreciation. That applies to your care for V as well."

She simply nodded and twined her chilled fingers with his.

Outside, the boiling red sky was dissolving into black. The sun hung low over the violent waves crashing against the cliff. She clicked on the light switch, and Jumin watched the light reflected off the picture frame glass, obscuring V's and his youthful faces. He followed her to the dining table, feeling like an intruder in his dead friend's home, listening to the ghost of their laughter over clattering plates from another time, silently willed him to come home, then pulled out a chair for her and ate in silence.

Footnotes:

Sunset as the atmospheric setting was logical and metaphorical. Timeline-wise, this fic is set a few hours after the burial took place at around noon. The metaphor comes from how V, the self-described sun, has died. The sun has to set now. It was a fun challenge to portray a scenic sunset alongside the dark theme of grief. But hey, beautiful and depressing are a perfect description of V.

This is the most planning and note-taking I've ever done for a fic because it closely follows the canon events! The bullet points, annotations, personal arguments and analysis are LONG.

It's also my most planned characterisation for MC. I usually figure out their personality as I write, but since I replayed the Secret Ending, I'd known I wanted to give Jumin someone who understands grief and loss and knows how to navigate the conversation without being too pushy. He's so lonely there. He doesn't know how to reach out and nobody can be there the way he needs.

My initial plan was to make this fic Jumin-focused without an MC, but then she entered the scene and from the way their interaction was going, it would've been wrong not to make them have feelings for each other for a while. I meant to show that love can coexist in your worst grief, and sometimes you find out how loved you are through those who stay after the external noise dies down.

Used Jumin's line at the funeral "he was a good friend, a good teacher, and a mirror of truth. I will never forgive you for leaving on your own" as a guide for his reverent and bitter sorrow about V. The usage of mirrors in his dialogues was also inspired by this.

I reflected on why Jumin directs all his resentment to V when Rika did even worse things, which isn't a very rational thing to do unlike what he believes, until it occurred to me that it's normal. Grief doesn't make sense. His emotions are bound to be all over the place when he just lost his closest friend whether he realises it or not.

Actually, I added Jumin and MC's argument during the later edits and it just felt right. We know Jumin is capable of outbursts when he's anxious, like when he confronts V on Jaehee's route or when he slams his hand against the wall to trap MC on his.

Jumin may think that as a kid, he was the one who followed V everywhere, but I think V would disagree. V craved friends and expressed it more than him. It was V who asked for the friendship deal after all.

Jumin tends to use metaphors i.e. the analogy of Yoosung watching V painstakingly pick apples and the concept of his dark threads, so I thought it wouldn't be OOC if he came up with the rock bottom and book-in-mirror metaphors. And, this man had been friends with V for decades—their linguistic choices were bound to seep into each other's to some degree.

The reincarnation idea came from the reincarnation trope in kdramas! I think Jumin, an avid soap opera/drama watcher, would find it fascinating.

Header Corner:

I caved. I've never put this much effort into a header. I wanted to find the balance between the raw grief and Jumin's modern sophistication, hence the strong gradients and sleek font. The movement is minimal, the text is small, the vast space is hollow, and the music is stripped down to 2 simple chords, all to instil the emptiness that Jumin feels.

The colours have double meanings: blue for the sea / deep sadness, and orange for the sunset / bitter anger and intense concern.

When the scene opens, the orange and blue lights take up the space, slightly touching before they part. It's Jumin's denial of V being dead, still calling for him while being anxious and miserable. Then the realisation sets in. Orange shifts to red in Jumin's stubborn refusal to forgive while blue disappears to make way for the dark, engulfing isolation.

Here are some alternative style frames before I decided on the current one!

Music credit: Sad Piano Music (no copyright) by Tushar Sharma

Buy me a glass of something that's definitely not coffee because I can't stand it but it is the website's name if my story touches you in some way? No worries if you don't. I'm still grateful you've read all the way through here.

#i've wanted to write about this since 2016 but didn't know how to approach it and do it justice until now #xela writes #jumin x mc #mystic messenger #jumin han #mystic messenger fanfic #jumin han angst #mysme #jumin han fic

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princessjung · 4 months

Text

Blue

GE Saeran x Fem!MC

626 words

Bittersweet memories and longing for lost love melted into one color.

Blue.

The colour that reminds me of peace and tranquillity when I'm with you.

If comfort were a person, she was certain it would be Saeran Choi. His entire existence alone melted away her worries and pain, as if they never existed in the first place. Every single thing about him reminds her of sunshine, clouds, and everything nice.

She woke up late that day, which is rather unusual for a morning person like her. She took a glance at the empty space next to her before going to the bathroom to wash her face.

Blue.

The colour that resembles the longing I felt for you.

It didn't matter whether they were apart for a minute or even months; she always longed for his presence right by her side. There is no safer place in this world other than in his arms, embracing her as if she were the centre of the universe.

She doesn't have much planned for the day, but she did want to go out and let her instincts guide her journey today. She exited the now-empty house after a quick breakfast and left a brief message in the chatroom about her whereabouts.

The street was surprisingly empty, much to her advantage, as she was not fond of crowded places in the first place. Along the way, she passed by a flower shop that caught her attention right away.

It's been so long since she bought something for herself. It would be nice to have a bouquet of hers and his favourite flower, she thought to herself. After contemplating for a moment, she decided to enter the shop and tapped the shoulders of the male florist politely.

"Excuse me, can I get a bouquet of white roses with lilies of the valley, please?"

"Right away, miss. Did you know that white roses represent loyalty and innocence? Lilies of the valley symbolise happiness, so this combination is a popular choice among brides for their wedding day."

The young florist explained with sheer excitement in his voice while preparing her bouquet. She smiled faintly at his enthusiasm. He reminds her of Saeran, perhaps a tad too much.

"I may have learned a bit about flower language from my... boyfriend. But thank you for your explanation. Don't lose this passion of yours, okay? It suits you well."

His eyes shone brightly from her compliments. "Really? Thank you, miss! Please send my regards to your boyfriend. I'm sure that he's a good person if he cares about floriography, and I wish you both a long-lasting relationship..."

"...Of course, I'll let him know."

Blue.

The colour that bears the resemblance of sadness when I think about you.

After walking out of the shop, she stared at the bouquet in her hand for a while. The flowers are fresh, soft, and blooming, in contrast to her withering heart. She felt the ache creeping up at the thought and quickly shook it off. The gentle breeze suddenly brushed off her face, as if telling her to cheer up and gaze at the passing clouds and endless sky right above her.

So that's what she did.

She looked up at the blue sky for the first time that day. It was neither too hot nor too cold. The weather is just right for a little walk down to the nearby park. It's been a while since she left home, after all. Maybe some fresh air would bring some good change to her emotional state.

She smiled unconsciously. It's as if Saeran was being her guardian angel and taking care of her, just like he promised her back then, even if they were miles away now.

"My love, the sky and clouds look beautiful today as well. Are you having fun painting it up there?"

#a blast from the past i guess #heavily inspired by taeyeon blue urgh i love her so much #i wrote this last year and broke my own heart #i need to stop being depressed on my own birthday #maybe I'll write something more fluffy for myself after this #who knows #mystic messenger #choi saeran #mm #mysme #saeran choi #mysme saeran #mystic messenger saeran #mm saeran #ge saeran

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asterjennifer · 2 years

Note

Hey Jenni! I hope it's okay for me to send request. I'm wondering if you could write a fic about MC having a nightmare about what Suit Saeran did to her? And how GE Saeran would feel about that and comfort her. I mean, she already forgive Suit but you can't control your nightmares right?

In conclusion, hurt/comfort 😌

🎀 Oh my.. This is so realistic! I often have nightmares myself when I'm stresssed and I remember them so well even to this day. I bet that would happen TT 🎀

Night Terror

Fandom: Mystic Messenger

Pairing: GE Saeran x Reader

Category: Angst (Fluff)

Warnings: Flashbacks of past abuse, insults and bullying

Word count: 2616

Summary: It's been quite the ride, finally you all get some calm after the storm.

There're just nights where the fear comes to greet you. And he is both the reason for the pain and the comfort.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“You are, in fact, the most useless piece of shit I've ever seen.” He sneered, wrinkling his nose in pure disgust. Wanting to fight back, tell him it's not worth the pain to neither of you, something about the look inside his eyes tore your heart apart.

No hidden longing left and no sign of the sometimes hesitant movements revealing he's just as scared as you were. There wasn't any of it, only pure and terrifying honest repulsion. Like he didn't know you at all, like Ray's memories were gone with a simple snap. There's nothing of the pain that he tried to cover up by using anger. It's simple antipathy.

Worse of it all; you didn't know why he suddenly was that way. You sat on the floor inside the normally bright princess room, yet there's no color or light left. The heartbreaking reality stood in front of you to gloom at your body as if really loathing your mere sight. He didn't touch you either, the moment you reached out he withdrew. Like you could affect him with a deadly disease.

His ocean eyes stone cold. “Your hobby that you like so much? Hah, you're not even good at it.” He spat into your face. “A toddler would be better than trash like you.” Tears began to run over your face.

These words, they hurt the most. He'd never said something so genuinely cruel before, this wasn't to shield you in a distant, twisted manner. The man you fell in love with directly attacked the values you held close to your personality and happiness. You shook your head while tearing your stare away.

“Tsk, at least I starve your body. You're too fat,” He pointed up and down your body, you didn't realize you covered yourself away with both hands at first. “Did nobody tell you about your body yet?”

“Your curves give me cancer and all the imperfections of your skin are making my eyes sore.” He waved his hand, voice filled to the brim with judgment.

“Looking ugly and still stupid as fuck,” Saeran said in a disbelieving tone. “You're not even smart enough to understand concluding facts... How did you manage to get through school?”

He continued the violent words stabbing through your chest carelessly. “Oh right! You don't need brains for school. Just desperation.”

You're suffocating at your own sobs, reminded of all these issues that he now tore open for the first time forever. Saeran could be cruel back then, there's no need to deny the sharp tongue he owned if desired. The one which caused you to cry more than once. However, this was beyond simple insults. You bit your lip, scared saying anything's only making the situation worse.

Saeran threw his head back as laughter bounced off the walls to continue echo around your head. “Is that why you have these issues with your parents?” He asked amused. Having your lunges burn.

“I'm sure they regret showing such a broken, worthless being to the day of light.” He shrugged his shoulders, grabbing your chin painfully tight to force your eyes back to his.

They're so detached, not a trace left of the Saeran you knew. The one working to understand how love’s supposed to feel and fighting own demons in order to do more than just survive. None of it to find, pretending it hadn’t been there in the first place.

Saeran dug his nails deep into your throat, making you fear he's doing to break through skin. “You don't deserve to cry, look at other people. Look at me.”

A moment of silence followed where you did, he then faked a smile. The corners of his mouth never reached his eyes, but this time he didn't try whatsoever. Back then it hadn't been so painful, he still cared deep down. How come that changed? Have you truly lost the one person you thought would accept even the darker parts of you? Why was he the hurt one. If you could've turned back time and switch his past with yours, you'd do it in a blink of an eye.

“You're having it great in comparison, but you're the one with the problems? Pathetic.” He hissed angered, tearing you out of self-destructive thoughts. “You're so disgustingly needy for attention, you make your pain look like a big deal..”

“Yet it's nothing. That's why everyone ignores it, but you're not able to stop. All because you're a selfish little fuck.” You sobbed out, trying to get away from him and these poisonous thoughts which plagued your head before even meeting Saeran. The hacker threw you further, an owner kicking his dog probably had more gentleness than your lover tossing you away.

Saeran rolled his eyes, already turning on his heels. “No wonder nobody loves you.” You rubbed the big tears off the corners of your eyes, watching him leave without being able to move from the spot.

“You're not special,” He smiled while opening the door. “All of you's replaceable with people who are better at being what you try so hard to become.”

Although you wished to run up and both leave the Magenta complex and stay by his side, not a single muscle obeyed your order to finally get into motion. Saeran shook his head annoyed at your obvious panic, tapping his index finger against his temple.

You bit down your lower lip as he huffed like he's not believing it. “You know what you deserve?” Scared of the answer, you hugged your body since it's trembling badly.

“You can die alone, that's all you will ever do right.” A moment of silence followed before he pulled the door close.

——————————

A sharp gasp brought you back into the real world. The hammering pace of your heart drowned out every other sound inside the bedroom, the furniture he and you had chosen along the ride mostly blurry colors lit by the night sky. You couldn't breathe for a moment, it's all stuck in the depths of your lunges until you started coughing up the shock. It shot through your veins, the fire of suffocation.

You threw your wobbly legs over the bed. Trying to sit up, calming these aching nerves that were dangerously close to snap. It wasn't real. The smell of flowers rose into your nose, grounding you a bit to the fact you're not at Magenta anymore. You're home. Resting inside the house Saeran, Saeyoung and you decided to buy once things settled down. You're aware, nonetheless, your body's not there yet.

Things like these just... happened. Nightmares weren't just for the twins to experience. The memories attacked your latest nights as well, maybe in a different sense, but at the end of the day it's the same issue to deal with. You raised your hand, preparing in case the stomach contents wouldn't play along. The filthy taste already covered your tongue, not much before the pretty carpet underneath your feet's ruined.

Fuck this cult. Fuck their drugs and fuck them for hurting your man like they've done for years in a row. You hated it with every inch, despite Saeran forgiving the cruelest of all residents. You blinked; eyelashes fluttering shut to not see your world spin. It's uncomfortable, the feeling of being glued to a carousel without consent. These words stuck to your back regardless, vision clear or not, didn't matter.

Saeran had been bitter and said some hurtful things, but he never used true insecurities to fuck over your sanity. These doubtful worries straddling your head here and there combined with the past insults he used as outlet somehow must've mixed up together into a disgusting, undeserving cruel nightmare. He didn't deserve to be represented that way in your mind, Saeran regretted what had happened more than anyone else.

“My love?” Ah shit, wrong timing. You didn't have the peace to register he's not with you in bed after jerking awake. He must've left to the toilet or kitchen. Saeran still got problems with sleeping through the night, as he's not used to so many hours for rest. You sighed, wiping your dirty mouth even though you, luckily, didn't throw up. “Hey..”

Your voice answered, lingering with a hoarse touch in your own ears. Therefore, you didn't want to picture how it sounded to your lover. For a second the quiet dominated the air, having you shiver since the same took place in the nightmare. So you hugged your arms in real life as well. There's no reason to lie or sugarcoat anything, not in these walls where everyone dealt with the ugly aftermath of the abuse caused by outsiders.

The shift on the mattress let tears swell up in impressive speed. “What's wrong..?” His angelic voice asked, full concern, that got you sick to the stomach for a second time.

“Nightmare..” You whispered, feeling ashamed albeit relieved. Good thing that's just a nightmare, you couldn't imagine what you would've done if he really would've ended up treating you like this. You pinched your eyes close when shaking your head. No need to imagine as it never had and will happen! These fears were ridiculous. And yet...

The touch of his hand on your shoulder startled you. “A nightmare? Do you want to talk about it?” Saeran looked confused as you basically fled from the bed.

“(N)?” He said your name sensually, no hint of hatred or disgust. Saeran wore his white T-shirt and short pants he always put on when going to bed. White hair a blueish touch thanks to the moonlight outside. He's beautiful. But looking at him somehow was no help, on the contrary, your throat narrowed until you couldn't breathe.

Your eyes lowered to the ground, tears finally spilling over your face. “D-Don't touch me right now, please!”

God, you felt like a monster for saying that. Saeran's smart, it took a minute at most for him to connect the dots. Nightmare, that worked up state you're in like someone attacked you personally and the fact you couldn't bear his touch. His bright eyes, almost glowing in the dark, widened then. You scratched your arms when seeing it change to an unreadable facial expression out of the corner of your eye.

He nodded slowly. “Got it, don't worry. I won't.” He didn't even sound surprised, that hurt a lot more than expected. “I'll stay right here.” You pressed both hands to your face.

How could you do this to him? He's regretting and hating himself for what he'd done back then, despite his plaint reassurances saying otherwise. Yet in moments like these, where the topic reached the surface, it's clear as day. Saeran let his hands fall into his lap, not moving an inch. Afraid moving could trigger you further.

“No.. It's not your fault,” You sniffed, both angry and sad. Rubbing your nose. “Stupid anxiety melted with the memories. I'm sorry.”

You stood there, leaning onto the drawer for some physical support when not having the emotional available. Saeran frowned by that. “Why are you apologizing..? It's a dream, you have no way of controlling it.” He assured, it sounded honest.

“I know, but–” He cut you off in a soft tone. “No, don't. You're okay, it's not your fault..” You chewed on your inner cheek, embracing the cooler air coming through the window.

A while passed where you just existed. No words, moves or looks. It helped immensely to focus on other things, eventually leading you to find the composure you're seeking since waking up. You took a deep breath, stretching your back straight which felt like liberation. You've been curled up for what you assumed were hours on the bed, going through this unnecessary pain for the both of you. It's unfair, but when was life ever truly fair.

“You know,” He suddenly started off, catching your attention. Saeran sat there calmly, seeing his eyes wander back to something you didn't know yet was a sight you both were frightened and delighted to see in action. He then licked his lips.

“I also have nightmares about you at times.” You huffed, a smile creeping over your lips. “Yeah, I know, dear. But you know it's not your fault.”

It confused you as Saeran shook his head, playing with the sheets between his fingers in a nervous manner. “No, it's not that. Well, sometimes. But I have other nightmares too..” He fell silent again.

Atmosphere becoming thick, Saeran smiled pained. “I have nightmares where you hurt me like my mom did.” He admitted subdued. Your turn to widen your eyes. Saeran ran one hand through his hair, gathering the courage to continue explaining, you knew him well enough to find these small clues.

He then smacked his forehead. “It's disgusting, I hate waking up to these kinds of nightmares. They're the worse.” The unfiltered feeling of being upset shone through, you acknowledged that he kept that a secret for quite a while now.

“I don't even know where they're coming from..” He confessed in a meek, broken tone. “But I guess it's because.. You're the most important person to me. While my mom was the one I feared the most.”

You let your arms fall down, knowing the exact pain he's feeling because the mixture of memories with people you loved wasn't a foreign concept to you. Saeran took a deep breath, ended up as a sigh regardless. “I feel horrible when I wake up to a picture of you hitting me with a bottle.” You bet he did. Saeran looked you in the eyes, a small albeit sincere smile tugging on his lips.

You returned it, kneeling onto the bed with a knee. Only then you're able to make out the tears he fought, too. You held out your hand to him, which he accepted without second thought. You're grateful for someone as strong as Saeran to be your lover. “It's okay, I know you don't mean it.. You can't control it, remember?” That made you both giggle, lightening up the mood more.

“Neither can you.” He said strict, you knew what trick he played here. But it helped, that's all that mattered.

Saeran pulled you into his lap and put both arms tightly around you. Nothing in the whole, wide world could keep you safer than his embrace. “Is it better now?”

You nodded, cuddling your face into his chest. “Hmh, don't worry. Thank you.. for giving me a bit space there.” He then stroked through your hair gently. “Of course, I get it. You don't have to worry about a thing.”

“I know.. all thanks to you..” You mumbled, a yawn escaping your lips. It caused him to snicker. “It's still late, we probably should go back to bed. Do you think you can sleep now?” He pushed the blanket, letting you slide under first. Typical Saeran, putting you as priority. “Yeah, I can. Just keep cuddling with me..”

You wiggled your fingers at him, his blue eyes glowing up like the stars glittering to thousand on the sky. “Haha, sure. There's nothing I rather do than holding my angel close.” You blushed at the nickname.

Saeran pulled you back to his chest, legs twisting with each other as the blanket offered the right amount of weight, having you sleepy in no time again. His heartbeat's an even sound listening to, the fall and rise of his chest discreet enough to make you nuzzle deeper into the hug. “I love you, Saeran.. I really do.”

He hummed softly, rubbing circles over your back for comfort. With a kiss plastered to your head, he closed his eyes. “I love you more, (N). You're my everything.”

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