A Love Worth Changing For ~ Nico Hischier
Summary: Your commitment to yourself to stay out of a relationship becomes harder to keep when you meet someone who just might be worth breaking your promises for.
Word count: ~8,900
Warnings: Drinking (quite a bit), implied/vaguely mentioned smut, throwing up, toxic behaviours.
A/N: I kind of hate how this turned out, to be honest. It's not super well edited because I didn't want to read through it yet another time.
You didn’t want to be in a relationship. It was a promise you made to yourself. You wouldn’t get into a relationship until you were done with school. You had high expectations for yourself in your years at university. You wanted to do well, that was a given. Staying out of a relationship would only leave you with more time to study. But you also wanted these years to explore who you were as a person, casually date, figure out what you wanted in a partner and what kind of partner you wanted to be.
It wasn’t hard, at least not for the first few years. Until you decided to go to grad school and decided to keep your commitment to not having any romantic commitment. And then came your second hurdle, when you met Nico.
October 2021
Standing at the kitchen counter you fill a bowl with a bag of chips that you know will go mostly untouched in favour of drinks, but it was the thought that mattered, right? Your phone vibrates on the counter and your eyes fall to your bright screen. A text from Jack. Unlocking your phone you read the message, asking if he could bring a couple friends. Sighing to yourself you reply that it was fine, though you were a little nervous about who Jack was going to be bringing to a party you were already worried might be getting too large.
Before long your apartment is full of people, half of which you didn’t know, tagging along with the half that you did. You’re in the kitchen mixing yourself an unnecessarily strong drink of tequila and orange juice when you feel someone tap you on the shoulder. Turning around your eyes focus on Jack.
“Hey,” you greet, pulling him into a quick, friendly hug. Jack. You met him when you both arrived in New Jersey, him to play for the Devils and you to start your undergrad degree. It was an instant connection, but not the kind your friends had speculated. You understood that he was attractive, you knew that almost everyone seemed to fall for him. But your connection with him felt more like a brother than anything more. “How was your game?”
“It was good…It would be really cool if you would like watch a game once in awhile,” Jack jokes.
“I was busy,” you whine, taking a large sip of your drink.
“Busy with what?”
“Preparing this place to sustain the damage of another party,” you inform him. “And pre-gaming.”
“I see how it is, rather get drunk than come see me play.”
Rolling your eyes you lean back against the counter. “Honestly, yeah,” you joke. Your eyes travel over Jack’s shoulder, to the man standing behind him, hands shoved in his pockets, glancing around uncertainly. “Hi,” you call to him, catching his attention. “I’m Y/N.”
“Hey, uh, I’m Nico,” he tells you, shuffling his way between Jack and some other guy you had yet to meet. “Is this your place?”
“Yeah,” you tell him, hearing a shattering of glass from the other side of the kitchen. “Unfortunately,” you add with a breath of laughter. “I should go deal with that, I’ll talk to you later, Nico,” you tell him, placing your hand on his arm as you slip by him in the direction of the shattering sound.
After helping clean up the mess of broken glass and spilled beer you head back into the kitchen, needing another drink. You find Jack and Nico nearly exactly where you had left them, discussing something with an intensity that piques your interest.
“Am I missing something?” you ask Jack, pouring yourself another drink.
“He thinks you’re hot,” Jack states boldly.
You’re caught off guard by how easily he offers the information, especially when you see Nico elbow him in the side, clearly not wanting him to have said that. “Oh?” you say, turning to face Nico, a playful smile on your lips.
“I, uh,” Nico begins, eyes falling to the ground. “Yeah,” he finally mutters.
Giggling you take a sip of your drink, stepping a little closer to him. “Well, I think you’re pretty hot as well,” you tell him, hoping it would ease some of the awkward tension that had fallen on the conversation.
“This is gross,” Jack mutters, gulping back half of his beer in one go.
“You’re the one who brought it up, dumbass,” you remind him, spinning to lean against the counter beside Nico. “Tell me more about yourself,” you say to Nico.
“What do you want to know?”
Shrugging you glance down to his empty hands. “Do you not drink?”
“I offered to drive him home,” Nico tells you, nodding towards Jack.
“Drive Jack home?” you mutter, eyebrows furrowed. “Jack never goes home after he gets drunk here.”
“Oh, I, uh, didn’t know you two were-,” Nico stammers, shaking his head as he glances over to Jack with an incredulous look.
“That’s not what I meant,” you exclaim with wide eyes. “He sleeps on the couch.”
“Oh,” Nico chuckles.
“So, does that mean you’re going to have a drink?”
Nico shrugs, looking over at Jack, who was already on his third beer. “I still need to drive myself home.”
“I’m sure we can find you somewhere to sleep,” you tell him.
And find him somewhere to sleep was exactly what you did, in your bed right next to you.
When you wake up the next morning your arm is slung over Nico’s chest, your head on his shoulder. Slowly you pull your body away from him, tugging the sheets up over your naked body as you reach for your phone on the nightstand. 9:35 AM.
“Morning,” Nico mumbles tiredly.
“Morning,” you reply, glancing down at him with a soft smile. “How are you feeling?”
“Alright,” Nico shrugs. “Tired.”
“Me too,” you laugh. “Do you want some coffee or something?”
“If you’re going to make some for yourself I’ll have some.”
Climbing out of bed you pull some clothes on, shuffling out of your room to take in the damage from the night before. The kitchen counters are littered with cans and bottles, sticky with spilled drinks. Sighing to yourself you grab a bag, beginning the long process of post-party clean up. Nico is at your side a second later, tossing cans into the bag you were holding.
“You don’t need to clean up, it’s okay,” you assure him, not wanting him to feel obligated to help clean your apartment after a party you decided to throw.
“I don’t mind,” Nico shrugs. “I’m sure some of it is my mess.”
His justification makes you giggle, knowing that he had been one of the only people the night before to ask you where you wanted him to put his empty cans. You finish clearing off the counter together, wiping it down before making a pot of coffee. While it was brewing you stand at the counter, Nico in front of you, his hands on your hips as he looks down at you.
“So do you think I can get your number?” Nico asks.
Running your hands up his arms you rest them on his shoulders, smiling playfully up at him. “Yeah, I think maybe I could give you my number.”
Leaning down Nico presses his lips to yours again, gently and slowly, tugging your hips closer to his body.
“Get a room.”
Pulling back from Nico you look across the kitchen to where Jack was now standing. “You know this is my apartment, right?” you joke, pulling your arms back from Nico. “Do you want some coffee?”
“Sure,” Jack mumbles, leaning tiredly into the counter. “Do you have that girl’s number?”
“Who?” you ask, pressing your palms into the counter, hopping up onto it.
“You know, the one I was talking to.”
“Do you even remember her name?”
“Yeah,” Jack mutters dismissively.
“What is it then?”
“Do you have her number or not?” Jack exclaims, rubbing his fingers over his temples.
“Yes,” you tell him with a sigh. “I’m not giving you her number if you can’t even remember her name.”
Jack lets out a loud groan, shaking his head. “Fine, whatever,” he grumbles.
Nico glances up at you with a look that told you he agreed with your decision. “You remember my name, right?” you joke.
Nico chuckles, leaning up to press his lips to your again. “Of course,” he tells you.
After the coffee is done brewing you pour a few mugs, adding some cream to your coffee. Heading into the living room you curl up on the couch, leaning into Nico when he sits down beside you. The three of you sit in the living room, talking about the night before while finishing your coffee.
Shortly after finishing his coffee Jack decides to get an Uber home, leaving you and Nico alone again. You spend the majority of the day cuddled up with Nico on the couch, watching movie after movie as the hangover slowly begins to leave your body.
“When are you free for me to take you on a date?” Nico asks after the end of yet another movie.
Sitting up you pull your body away from Nico, turning to look over at him. “Nico, I do like you but I feel like I should tell you that I’m not really looking for anything serious right now.”
“Does that mean I don’t get to see you again?”
“No, that’s not what I mean,” you giggle, shaking your head. “I just wanted you to know that.”
“Okay,” Nico says with a shrug. “How about Wednesday night?”
“Wednesday night sounds good to me,” you reply, leaning over and kissing him gently.
Wednesday night comes around quickly and your date goes incredibly well. As does the next date, and all the ones after that. It wasn’t long till you were spending almost all your spare time together.
There was a connection you had with Nico that was undeniable. But you were holding onto your promise to yourself that you weren’t going to get into a relationship.
December 2021
You’re finally packing clothes for your trip home, having just finished your exams a few days earlier. Going home for the holidays was always one of the highlights of your year, when you could finally relax without worrying about assignments or classes or exams. Folding a few sweaters you set them into the suitcase on your bed, a sudden knock on your door startling you.
Heading through your apartment you hesitantly pull the door open, relaxing when you see Nico standing in front of you. “What are you doing here?”
“I wanted to see you before you left,” Nico explains, stepping inside. “And I wanted to bring you this.”
Your eyes fall to the wrapped box in his hand. “A Christmas present?”
“Yeah,” Nico chuckles, setting it into your hands.
“Why?” you whisper, looking up into his eyes. “You didn’t have to get me anything, we’re not-.”
“We’re not together, I know,” Nico interrupts, having heard the line from you over and over again at various times throughout the last few months. Not together, just friends with benefits...who also happened to be going on frequent dates.
Sighing you set the present down onto the table by the door, reaching over to take his hands. “Well, thank you,” you whisper, leaning up and pressing your lips to his. “But you really didn’t have to.”
“You’re welcome,” Nico says, pulling you into a hug. “When do you have to be at the airport?”
“Tomorrow morning at eight.”
“I can drive you…if you want,” Nico offers.
Pulling back you smile up at him, fingers running down his arms. “That would be great, thank you. Do you have plans tonight?”
“No.”
“Do you want to stay here tonight?”
A smirk forms on Nico’s lips, his hands finding their way to your hips. “Yes.”
Giggling you lean up, kissing him again. This time you don’t pull back immediately, your arms finding their way over his shoulders. His tongue brushes against yours and you push yourself closer to him, fingers curling into the fabric of his sweater.
“Let’s go to my room,” you mumble against his lips before taking his hand and pulling him through your apartment to your bedroom.
“Do you need to finish packing?” Nico asks, his eyes falling to the suitcase on your bed, piles of clothes laying around your room.
“It can wait,” you assure him, setting your suitcase onto the ground. You’re on the bed a second later, letting Nico pull your clothes off. Hands grasping at each other, both knowing that you’d have to go a few weeks without getting to see each other, without getting to touch each other.
Nico makes you finish more times than you ever had in one night, till you’re a shaky, flushed mess. Maybe it was because you would be apart from each other for awhile, maybe he was trying to leave a lasting impression, keep you from wanting to be with anyone else. Whatever the reason, you were more than okay with it.
“I should probably finish packing,” you whisper, head laying on Nico’s shoulder, fingers grazing over his chest.
“Do you need help or anything?” Nico offers.
“No, there’s not that much left to do,” you tell him as you pull some clothes back on.
Nico spends the rest of the evening keeping you company while you finish packing and doing last minute preparation around your apartment. By the time you get to bed that night you know that neither of you was going to end up with an adequate amount of sleep that night. But you didn’t mind if it meant spending more time with Nico.
June 2022
You were prepared to spend the summer away from Nico. You didn’t want to, that much you needed to admit. But you weren’t his girlfriend, he wasn’t your boyfriend. There was no reason for any variation to Nico’s normal summer plans.
So you had said goodbye to him the night before he flew back to Switzerland to spend time with his friends and family. You managed to hold back your emotions till he left and you couldn’t hold the tears back any longer.
You kept yourself busy, picking up extra shifts when you could to keep your mind off of missing him. You knew it wasn’t normal, to have these feelings for someone who you were refusing to be more than just friends with benefits with.
Of course the two of you continued talking, text messages being exchanged when the time difference would allow for it. But it wasn’t until he called you one evening that you were really reminded that whatever was going on between you two was a lot more than what you were willing to say out loud.
“Hey,” you greet as you answer the phone, sitting in your living room, watching re-runs of your favourite TV show.
“Hi,” Nico replies, his voice was quiet but you could hear a slight slur in his words. “What are you doing?”
“Uh, not a lot, watching TV,” you tell him, sitting up straighter on the couch, eyes narrowing as you stare at the other end of the couch. “What are-,” you can’t even finish asking what he was doing before he cuts you off.
“With who?” Nico asks and there’s something in his tone that makes you feel like it’s more of an accusation than a genuine question.
“Nobody…why?”
“You’re watching TV by yourself on a Friday night?”
“Well it’s 6PM here,” you remind him. “But yes, I’m watching TV alone, why?”
“Right,” Nico mutters. “I miss you.”
“Are you drunk?”
“No,” Nico replies quickly. “Yes,” he admits just as quickly, without you even needing to question him on it. “We went out for drinks, I had too many.”
“Well did you at least have fun?” you ask, holding back a laugh.
“Yeah…I wish you were here though.”
Your silent for a little too long, wracking your brain for what to say. ‘Me too’ didn’t feel right, even if it was the truth. “You’ll be back in a couple months,” you finally whisper.
“I don’t want to wait that long,” Nico mumbles. “I want you to come here.”
Laughing softly you roll your eyes to yourself, leaning back into the couch.
“I’m not joking,” Nico states, clearly taking offence to your laughter.
“I can’t,” you tell him, nervously fiddling with a loose thread on your shorts.
“Why not? I’ll buy you a flight, you can stay with me or I can get you a hotel or whatever, it doesn't matter.”
“That’s not the problem, Nico,” you tell him, though if you were seriously considering his suggestion it probably would have been a problem.
“Then what is?”
“We-,” you begin, pausing to take a deep breath. “We’re not together…I’m not your girlfriend, Nico. I’m not going to fly halfway across the world and meet your friends and family when we’re not even together,” you explain.
The silence that follows is so long that you begin to wonder if he was even still there. But you sit in the silence, with each second growing more and more uncomfortable.
“I love you.”
“Nico,” you whisper, eyes welling with tears. You weren’t even sure where your emotions were coming from, but they were beyond overwhelming. “You don’t…you don’t mean that. You’re drunk-.”
“I do,” Nico insists, knowing where you were about to go with your sentence. Maybe he wasn’t as drunk as you thought, but you didn’t want to truly admit that.
“Can we talk tomorrow?”
“Yeah,” Nico mumbles.
“Get some sleep, okay?”
“Okay,” Nico whispers. “Have a good night.”
The two of you did talk the next day. But at no point did either of you bring up the night before. Maybe he didn’t remember it. Maybe he no longer wanted to discuss it now that his mind was no longer clouded by alcohol. Either way you were pretty sure it was the best outcome for both you and him.
October 2022
“I like this one,” you say, pointing out a small pumpkin sitting on the edge of a pallet in the pumpkin patch.
“It’s so small,” Nico comments, chuckling as he stands next to you, staring down at the little pumpkin.
Shrugging you lean down, picking it up. “It’s cute.”
“Like you,” Nico says with a smirk, already anticipating your response.
Rolling your eyes you jokingly take a step away from him. “Gross.”
Reaching over Nico takes your hand, tugging you back towards him. “I know you like it.”
Shaking your head you let go of his hand, running it up his arm to wrap around his shoulders. Pushing yourself onto your tip toes you press your lips to his. “I do,” you admit, stepping back from him. “Now pick your pumpkin so we can go home and carve them.”
After Nico picks out and pays for the pumpkins you head back to your apartment, stopping on your way there to pick up dinner and a couple bottles of wine.
“Do you want the shiraz or the zinfandel?” you call to Nico, pulling a couple glasses of wine out from the cupboard.
Glancing over your shoulder you watch Nico set the pumpkins down on the table, a smile on his face. “You know that I don’t know the difference.”
Giggling you open the drawer in the kitchen, rifling through it for your wine opener. “I want to try the zinfandel,” you tell him, jumping as you feel his hands on your hips, tugging your back into his chest.
“Sounds great to me,” Nico whispers, leaning down and kissing your neck gently.
With a quiet, pleasure filled sigh you let yourself melt into him, the warmth of his body radiating into you. “Thanks for doing this with me.”
“Doing what?” Nico asks, letting you turn around in his arms to face him.
“This whole pumpkin thing, I know it’s kind of stupid as adults,” you explain.
Nico shakes his head, wrapping his arms around you, pulling you into his arms. “It’s not stupid and you don’t need to thank me, I wanted to do this,” Nico assures you.
“I l-,” you begin, stopping yourself short as you realize what you were about to say. I love you. Swallowing heavily you pull yourself back from him, quickly turning around, fumbling with the wine opener.
“What were you going to say?”
Shaking your head you twist the screw into the cork, fingers shaking nervously. “Nothing, it doesn’t matter.”
“It does,” Nico insists, reaching over and placing his hand on your lower back, trying to get your attention again. “Just talk to me.”
“I said it doesn’t matter,” you snap, struggling to wiggle the cork out of the bottle. As the cork pops out of the top of the bottle the sudden change in force sends the bottle slipping across the counter, red wine sloshing out all over the counter as the bottle clatters onto the counter. “Fuck,” you mutter, eyes welling with tears as you reach for the bottle, quickly standing it back up.
As you reach for the towel hanging on the handle of the oven Nico catches your hands, pulling you to face him. “Slow down,” he says gently. “What’s going on?”
The tears that had welled up in your eyes were slipping down your cheeks now, your hands stilled by Nico’s hands stopping you from wiping them away. “I love you,” you exclaim. “Is that what you want to hear?”
Nico is quiet for a few seconds before wrapping his arms around you, rubbing your back gently. “I only want to hear it if you mean it.”
You don’t answer him. You knew you should answer him. But you couldn’t. You couldn’t bring yourself to say it again, you could barely say it once. “I need to clean up the wine,” you whisper, wiggling out of Nico’s arms.
“You should use the paper towel, you’ll stain that one,” Nico tells you, gesturing to the towel you had originally reached for.
“Right,” you whisper, nodding slowly as you stare up at him. You didn’t know what you had expected out of him after that, but it sure wasn’t cleaning tips. After cleaning up the wine from the counter you excuse yourself to the bathroom, looking at yourself in the mirror. Wiping away the remnant of your tears you take a few deep breaths, eventually managing to calm yourself enough to venture back to the kitchen.
When you step into the room your eyes find Nico at the table, two glasses of wine and the pumpkins in front of him. “What-?”
“You don’t want to carve them anymore?” Nico asks.
“I-,” you begin, walking through the room to sit down at the table with him. “Yeah, I do.”
For awhile the two of you sit in relative silence, the energy in the room feeling tense. But by the time your glass of wine was empty the tension had dissipated.
You knew you loved him. You knew you meant it when you said it. You knew it before but something in that evening only made you love him even more. He didn’t push you. He didn’t make you feel bad. He was there for you, with you, in whatever way you wanted in that moment.
November 2022
“Jack, I don’t feel good,” you whisper, glancing around the packed night club.
Jack turns his attention away from the group of your friends that he was in the midst of a conversation with. His eyes land on you, nodding slowly as he reaches out, placing his hand on your side to steady your swaying body. “Come on,” he mumbles, guiding you through the building and into one of the single stall bathrooms.
You’re only in the bathroom for a second before you’re hovering over the toilet, the plethora of drinks you had consumed that night coming right back up.
“I’m going to get you some water,” Jack tells you, turning to open the door. “Stay here, okay?”
Nodding you flush the toilet, standing up and placing your hands on the edge of the counter, a steady surface to steady your not so steady self against. You turn the lock on the door, leaning into the counter again, taking deep breath to try to keep
Jack returns a few moments later with a glass of water which you gratefully take. After downing half the glass you feel your eyes fill with tears, drunk mind racing with emotions. “Does he hate me?” you mutter, looking over at Jack.
“What?” Jack asks, eyebrows furrowed.
“Nico,” you whisper. “Does he hate me? He asked me to take things further again yesterday and I said no.”
“I don’t know, I haven’t talked to him in a few days,” Jack tells you. “Why are you doing this?”
“Doing what?”
“Refusing to be his girlfriend and now you’re crying about him.”
Your eyes fall to the ground, trying to find some sort of valid explanation for him. “I don’t want to be in a relationship right now,” you finally whisper.
“Why? You’re obviously into him,” Jack retorts quickly.
“Because, I’m supposed to figure out who I am in university, Jack. I’m supposed to have crazy, fun experiences with new people and I’m not supposed to find the person I’m going to be with for the rest of my life right now and-.”
“He’s not asking you to marry him,” Jack interrupts. “Why are you worried about spending the rest of your life with him right now?”
“Because I don’t want to get my heart broken, I don’t want to get hurt,” you mutter.
“You’re crying about him in a bathroom,” Jack exclaims, shaking his head. “You’re already hurt.”
“No,” you whisper, sniffling softly, tears rolling down your cheeks again. You didn’t want to admit Jack was right, you didn’t want to admit that everything you had done in the last year to keep Nico at a distance had been for nothing. “I want to go home.”
“You can come back to my place,” Jack offers with a sigh, clearly not wanting his night to be over but also not about to leave you alone.
“I’ll just get an Uber,” you tell him, pulling your phone from your pocket.
“I’m not letting you Uber home alone right now.”
You knew it was coming from a place of concern, but you really didn’t want to be the one to wreck his plans for the night. Whatever those plans were. “Fine,” you mutter. “But I don’t want to force you to go home.”
“Well all your friends are here and they’re also drunk so what do you want me to do?”
“I don’t know,” you whine, tipping your head back to look at the ceiling. The tiles are spinning in your mind and your head feels heavy, but you manage to lift it again before the spinning brings on another round of nausea. Your eyes land on Jack, watching him typing something quickly into his phone. You manage to restrain your drunken nosiness from asking who he was talking to, staying silent.
“Nico is going to pick you up,” Jack tells you a few minutes later, making your heart race.
“No,” you exclaim, shaking your head. You couldn’t let him see you like this.
“He’s already on his way,” Jack tells you definitively. “Come on, I’ll walk outside with you and wait for him.”
“Jack,” you whine, following him out of the bathroom anyway. “This is mean.”
“I offered to take you home,” Jack snaps, clearly annoyed with you for making any attempts to help much harder than necessary.
Sighing you follow him outside, the cold night air feeling refreshing to your nightclub-induced clammy skin. “I’m scared, Jack,” you whisper, standing next to him on the sidewalk.
“Why?”
“He hates me-.”
“He’s picking you up drunk at two in the morning, he doesn’t hate you.”
“Yes, he does,” you repeat. “He hates me but he’s nice a good guy and he’s just coming to pick me up because he’s not a shitty person and I-.”
“Shut up,” Jack groans. “Yeah, he’s a nice guy or whatever but he’s not nice enough to get out of bed and come here to take care of you if he doesn’t still like you.”
Just as Jack finished his sentence a familiar car pulls up along the side of the road. Quickly Jack yanks the passenger’s side door open. “Good luck,” he tells Nico as he guides you into the car.
“You okay?” Nico asks as you pull your seatbelt on, refusing to look across the car at him.
“Yeah, I’m fine,” you mutter, eyes focusing out the side window, small raindrops beginning to splatter onto the clear glass. “You didn’t have to do this.”
“Of course I did,” Nico states and you can tell he’s glancing at you when he says it. “Doesn’t mean I didn’t want to either though,” he clarifies.
"I'm sorry," you whisper, finally glancing over at him. "I'm sorry for making this so hard, I'm sorry I can't be who you want me to be right now, I like you so much Nico but I just can't be with you right now."
"It's okay," Nico tells you, his own voice greatly contrasting your unsteady, high-pitched tone. "I'm not going to push anything, if you want me around I'll be here. I'll wait for you."
January 2023
New Year's Eve. It was the one holiday that you seemed to never have a single tradition for. You had spent your New Year's Eve in a new location every year, from your bedroom to house parties to bars. This year though it was going to spent at a nightclub. A nightclub with as many friends as you could possibly wrangle into spending their night’s in a sweaty, loud, sticky nightclub downtown…including Nico.
You had gotten to Jack’s place just after eight, having spent the better part of three hours getting ready with your best friends at your apartment. You had to admit though, the time paid off, your outfit giving you an almost dangerous amount of confidence.
“Where’s Nico?” you ask Jack, watching him pour another round of shots.
You watch Jack’s lips curl into a teasing smirk, glancing at you for a second before returning to his bartending role. “Very interested in him for not being with him.”
“Shut up,” you mutter, taking a sip of your vodka soda. “I’m just curious, it doesn’t mean anything.”
“Here,” Jack states, handing you a shot glass, filled to the brim with tequila. As you reach to take the shot glass he pulls it away, holding it out of your reach. “You have to promise that you’re not going to end up puking and crying about him tonight.”
“Fuck off,” you mutter, reaching over and taking the shot glass from his hand, quickly dumping it into your mouth. You force the liquid down your throat with a wince, shuddering as you set the empty glass down onto the counter.
“If I hear you say you’re not feeling good I will be finding someone else to take care of you.”
“I’ve never been that drunk in my life before, Jack. Stop acting like it happens frequently,” you whine.
Jack chuckles, opening another beer. “You’re still that embarrassed about it, hey?”
“It was embarrassing,” you exclaim, glancing around the apartment, your interest piquing as your eyes sweep by the front door. Looking back you see Nico, struggling to yank his jacket off while holding a case of beer in one hand. “I’ll be right back,” you mutter to Jack, hurrying over to the door. “Need some help?” you ask Nico, taking the beer from his hand to let him take his jacket off.
“Thanks,” he says with a chuckle, balancing his coat on a stack over a hook on the wall. He turns his attention back you, his eyes gazing up and down your body. “You look hot,” he comments.
You can’t help but giggle at his comment, your cheeks reddening. “Well it took me long enough to get ready so I’m glad I got something out of it.” Turning around you head towards the kitchen with Nico’s beer.
Nico has his hands on your hips, stopping you in your tracks a moment later. “You can get anything you want looking like that,” Nico whispers.
Your breath catches in your throat, your back hitting Nico’s chest as you come to a stop. “It’s nine, Nico. We’ve got at least three more hours to go.”
“And?” Nico mumbles.
Giggling you lean back into him, tipping your head back to look up at him. “And if you keep this up I won’t be able to make it till midnight without trying to get you back to my place.”
Nico chuckles, his hand slipping around to your ass as he moves to walk towards the kitchen. Your cheeks warm even further at the contact, watching him take the beer from you, unloading a few of them into Jack’s fridge.
By the time you get to the club that night you’re a little more than tipsy, knowing you wouldn’t need to spend much money at the bar that night. The night had started with a lot of flirting between you and Nico, but once you arrived at the club you found yourself swept away with a few of your other friends.
Before you knew it you were standing in a group with just a couple of your friends and quite a few men you had never met before. There’s a man standing next to you who had his hands on you more than was accidental. A hand on your back as he squeezed by to order another drink, fingers brushing against yours, body pressing to yours while he leaned in to try to hear something someone said. You didn’t dislike it, you knew he was flirting with you and part of you was enthralled by that, by the attention. But every time it happened your mind would find its way back to Nico.
“Let’s get you another drink,” Peter, who you had just discovered the name of, says.
Your eyes glance down at your empty drink before letting him guide you to the bar with his hand on your waist. You order your drink and Peter pulls out his wallet. The two of you make small talk while you sip on your new drink. He was attractive, you had to admit that. But that’s about where it stopped. There was nothing about his personality that enticed you, but selfishly you did like the attention.
But you’re not able to see where things would go with him because the next thing you know Nico is pushing his way through the crowd to be at your side.
“What are you doing?” Nico asks you, not even acknowledging the man you were talking to.
Shrugging your shoulders your eyes flick back and forth from Nico to Peter and back to Nico. “What do you mean?”
Nico shakes his head with a cold chuckle, reaching down and taking your hand. “Come on, you’re done here.”
“Nico,” you whisper, eyes drilling into his. “What are you doing?”
“Don’t,” Nico mutters, shaking his head. “You know what I’m talking about, let’s go.”
“I’m not going anywhere,” you state definitively, staring into his eyes as you match his intensity.
“What’s going on?” Peter interjects, catching both you and Nico’s attention.
“I think you should go,” Nico tells him before you have a chance to get a single word in.
“Why?” Peter asks with a cold chuckle. “She clearly isn’t interested in you, why would I go anywhere?”
You don’t even process what’s happening till Peter is stumbling backwards, hand on his jaw where Nico’s fist had just met with it. Thankfully a bouncer pulls Peter back before he can retaliate, Nico frozen in place, just as stunned by his actions as everyone else in that club.
You weren’t happy with Nico’s actions but you turn towards him anyway, grasping his arms a second later. “What the hell?” you exclaim, frantic eyes searching his for any type of answer.
Before Nico has a chance to say anything a bouncer is at his side, nodding towards the door. “You gotta go.”
“I-,” Nico begins before turning in the direction of the door, knowing he wasn’t going to argue his way out of this one.
You watch the bouncer guiding Nico towards the door, realizing you weren’t also being kicked out. You didn’t need to go. You could stay, you could keep drinking, celebrate New Years in this club. But the further and further Nico got with the bouncer the more uneasy you felt. So you let your legs carry you through the club and out the front door, into the freezing night air with Nico.
“Nico,” you call as you watch him walking away from the club, clearly with no real destination in mind.
“What?” Nico snaps, turning back around to look at you. “What do you want?”
“You’re really mad at me right now?” you yell, crossing your arms over your chest, trying to keep yourself warm.
“Yes,” Nico exclaims. “Are you serious right now?”
“I’m not your girlfriend, Nico.”
Nico shakes his head, laughing coldly. “I guess not,” Nico yells. “But whatever, it doesn’t matter anymore, I’m fucking done with this, I’m done with you.”
“Nico,” you mumble, walking closer to him, hoping something, anything you would say could convince him that it wasn’t that serious. “Please don’t say that.”
“No, I’m over this, I’m not going to keep fighting for you if you don’t give a fuck about me.”
“I do care about you,” you yell back at him, your voice hoarse and shaky. “I care about you so much, Nico, you don’t even know.”
“If you cared about me you wouldn’t be trying to fuck other guys right in front of me.”
“I-,” you begin, realizing you didn’t even know what your justification was about to be. Because, to be honest, you didn’t have one. “I’m sorry,” you finally croak.
“Just go back inside, I don’t fucking care,” Nico mutters, slurred words finally giving away his drunken state.
“I do,” you yell, walking closer to him. “I don’t want to go back inside, Nico. I don’t want to leave you…I do care.”
“Why?” Nico snaps, staring down at you intently now that you were standing just a foot in front of him.
“Because I love you,” you exclaim, the words leaving your mouth before you even had a chance to process them.
“Then don’t try to fuck other people,” Nico mutters, sliding his jacket off his arms now that you were close enough for him to realize you were shaking, gently placing it over your shoulders.
“I’m sorry,” you whisper again, tears welling in your eyes. You slip your arms into his jacket, tugging it tight around your body. “Please, I can’t lose you. I don’t want to be with him, I don’t want to be with anyone else. I want you.”
Nico steps back, taking a deep breath as he looks around the night sky for a minute. “Okay,” Nico mutters and you’re sure it’s more to himself than to you. “Do you want to go back in?”
“I’m not leaving you,” you tell him.
“It’s New Years, go be with your friends, I’m the one who fucked up.”
“No, you didn’t,” you whisper. “I mean, I don’t think you should have punched him but I’m not letting you take all the blame for this...Do you want to come over to my place?”
“Okay…sure, yeah, if that’s what you want to do,” Nico says, reaching over and pulling you into him, rubbing his hand along your arm, trying to warm you up.
So the two of you head back to your apartment, spending the rest of New Year's Eve together, just the two of you and a bottle of champagne.
It wasn’t the New Year's Eve you were expecting. It wasn’t necessarily the New Year's Eve you wanted, but maybe it was the New Year's Eve you needed. The wake up call that you had gone far beyond just friends with benefits. Even if you weren’t ready to accept it.
February 2023
Things had changed after the New Year's Eve incident. Neither of you had verbally talked about what had changed but you both knew it had. It was the second time you told him you loved him. The second time neither of you acknowledged it after it happened. I don’t want to be with anyone else. Your words had continued echoing in your mind and you knew you should deal with those thoughts, those feelings.
But you didn’t.
Maybe you really wanted to keep your commitment to yourself, to not get into a relationship till you had graduated. Maybe you were scared to take that step. Maybe you were embarrassed to ask for that after pushing it away for so long.
So you fell back into the routine you had before. Frequent dates and spending most of your time together in between. It was different, yet the routines remained the same for months.
June 2023
“I need a date to the awards ceremony,” Nico says, referring to the NHL Awards that were approaching quickly.
“I don’t think you need a date,” you reply, looking up over the top of your phone to the other end of the couch, where Nico was sitting.
“Okay…I want a date for the awards,” Nico tells you, reframing his statement.
“Okay,” you mutter, accepting his rephrased sentence.
“Are you going to come with me?”
“No,” you mumble, sitting up straighter on the couch.
“Why not?”
Rolling your eyes you lock your phone, tossing it down next to you. “Nico, you know why. I’m not your girlfriend.”
“This is a big deal for me,” Nico exclaims, clearly already knowing you were going to put up a fight about this. “Just come with me as a friend then.”
“You don’t bring just a friend to that kind of event. I know that much,” you tell him.
Suddenly Nico is on his feet, pacing the length of your living room, making it halfway back before throwing his hands up in defeat. “You can’t just be there for me, support me, even once. I’m getting tired of this…whatever this is.”
“I’m sorry,” you tell him, his words hitting you hard. “I do, I do want to support, I promise.”
Just three days later you’re standing in a fitting room, pulling a dress onto your body. Stepping out of the room your eyes land on Nico, waiting for his reaction to this one. It was the fifth dress you had tried on, Nico telling you he liked all of them.
“I like it,” Nico says, his eyes roaming over your body.
Groaning loudly you turn towards the mirror, adjusting the dress slightly. “Why’d you even insist on coming if you’re not going to give me any input?”
“Because I’m buying it for you,” Nico tells you in a matter-of-fact tone.
“No, you’re not,” you tell him, though it would be pretty helpful for your grad student budget.
“I’m not arguing with you about this.”
“Me neither,” you reply, stepping back into the fitting room to try on another one.
Eventually you narrow it down enough that Nico finally gives his input, once he was simply picking between two dresses. At the till you try to pull your wallet out, Nico’s hand landing on your hands.
“I’m not letting you pay for it, Nico,” you whisper, trying to keep your disagreement out of ear shot of the sales attendant.
“Yes, you are. It doesn’t have to mean whatever you’re thinking, just let me buy the fucking dress,” Nico mutters, his voice carrying an unusually stern tone.
“Okay,” you whisper, eyes widening, stepping back as you watch Nico pull his wallet out and pay for the dress. He carries the bag for you, silence falling between you until you were outside, away from the sanctity of the boutique.
“What’s your problem?” you snap, standing next to Nico’s car, watching him set the bag down into the backseat.
“What?” Nico asks with a loud sigh, slamming the car door a little harder than necessary.
“I don’t know...you’re mad at me for not dating you and-.”
“I’m not mad at you for not dating me,” Nico interrupts. “I’m mad that we are dating and you refuse to admit it.”
“We’re not together,” you state definitively, arms crossed over your chest.
“Okay, whatever, then this is done,” Nico mutters, shaking his head. “Get in the car.”
“I want to go home,” you tell him, yanking the car door open.
“Well that’s where I’m taking you,” Nico grumbles, sliding into the driver’s seat of the car.
The drive back to your apartment is silent, your eyes focused directly ahead of you, the drive seeming longer than you had remembered. Nico pulls into the parking lot, turning the car around so that your side of the car was facing the door, something he had done since the first time he dropped you off at home. Opening the door you slip out, glancing back to find Nico handing you the bag with the dress.
“I don’t want the fucking dress, Nico. I’m not doing this anymore.”
He nods slowly, your words sinking in. “Well what am I going to do with it? Just take it.”
Sighing you reach over, taking the bag from him, knowing it would be easier than continuing to argue about it. “Alright, well,” you mutter, glancing around. “Goodbye…I guess.”
“Bye,” Nico replies, voice strained, eyes barely meeting yours.
You shut the door slowly, walk into your apartment even slower, knowing that if you really did leave it like that it was a big statement. A big statement you weren’t even sure you wanted to be making. But you keep going, till you’re up in your apartment and your eyes are filling with tears.
Your best friend Liv is at your apartment shortly after you tell her what had happened, with a couple bottles of wine and take-out.
“I just don’t get it,” Liv says, sitting on the couch with half a glass of red wine in her hand. “You like him, you two are always together, going on dates. Why won’t you just let him in? Make it official?”
Shrugging you swirl the wine around in your glass, swallowing heavily as another round of tears form in your eyes. “Because I said I wouldn’t, Liv. I promised myself, I would experience things, I would figure myself out before getting into a real relationship.”
“But you’re not doing that,” Liv points out. “You keep saying you don’t want anything serious but you’ve been, what, casually dating this guy for like a year and a half? When’s the last time you went on a date with anyone else?”
Shrugging you try to think back, try to remember the last time you actually even seriously entertained the idea of a date with another man. “I don’t know, last year, I guess.”
“When’s the last time you hooked up with anyone other than him?”
“Liv, I don’t know. It’s been awhile, I get it,” you exclaim, sighing loudly. “I’m scared.”
“Scared of what?” Liv asks, voice gentle and reassuring despite your outburst. “You’ve always been scared of getting hurt. But if you don’t let yourself be with someone you’re never going to even have the opportunity for what else could happen.”
“No,” you whisper, wiping away a few tears that had pooled under your eyes. “I’m scared that I pushed him away…for good this time.”
Liv reaches over, placing her hand on your leg. “You’ve been doing this for a year, I don’t think this has to be the last time…if you’re actually going to let him in this time. But if you’re not, if you’re still not ready, maybe it should be for good.”
Liv stays with you for most of the night, watching reality tv and finishing off the wine she had brought over. You didn’t talk much more about Nico, wanting to get your mind off of the situation for awhile, to let yourself calm down.
You contemplated reaching out to Nico. From hours after to days after. But you didn’t know what to say and he wasn’t saying anything either. So you didn’t say anything at all, till you were only a couple days away from the NHL Awards and all you could think about was Nico telling you that he wanted you to be there to support him.
Pulling your phone out you scroll through your contacts, finding the one you were looking for and pressing the call button.
“Hey, what’s up?”
“Hey, um, if I book a flight to Nashville and a hotel and everything can you bring me with you on Monday?”
“To the awards?”
“Yeah.”
“No. What the hell? You’ve been fucking with Nico’s feelings for so long and now you’re going to try to come with me instead?”
“No, that’s not what I mean, Jack,” you mumble, tears welling in your eyes. “I just…I want to be there for him, I can’t miss it, Jack, I can’t. I fucked up, I know I’ve been a shitty person to him and I don’t know how I can change that but I need to see him and I need him to know that I care and I don’t want to lose him and-.”
“Okay,” Jack exclaims, cutting you off. “Holy shit, yeah, okay, you can come. Are you okay?”
“I don’t know,” you admit, pulling your knees to your chest, staring across the living room at the dark TV, your reflection looking back at you. “I love him, Jack.”
“But you don’t want to be with him.”
“I do.”
“You need to tell him that then. I’ll text you later, okay?”
“Thank you, Jack.”
“Of course. But you really need to figure this out with him because I can’t handle being in the middle of you two fighting.”
“I will.”
You woke up extra early the morning of the awards. Not on purpose, you had an entire day to get ready. But you were too anxious to stay asleep. So you pulled yourself out of bed and tried to spread out the process of getting ready through the day so you wouldn’t have much time to ruminate on everything alone in the quiet hotel room.
Finally you’re heading down the elevator after what felt like the longest day of your life to meet Jack out front on the way to the arena.
“You look good,” Jack tells you as you pull your seatbelt on, adjusting your dress.
“Thanks,” you whisper, your mind so preoccupied with Nico that you were barely registering anything that was happening around you.
When you get to the venue your stomach is churning with so much anxiety you begin to worry you might throw up. “I don’t know what to say to him,” you admit as you walk next to him.
“Sorry might be a good start.”
“Yeah,” you whisper, more to yourself than to anyone else. You force a few deep breaths into your lungs as you follow Jack, till you’re standing just a few feet away from Nico. When your eyes meet you can visibly see the confusion flash across his face, eyes darting between you and Jack.
“What?” Nico begins, Jack stepping back as he says it.
“I’m not getting in the middle of this,” Jack says, hurrying off in the other direction to leave you alone with Nico.
“I’m sorry,” you say, voice shaky. “I’m so sorry, Nico. I shouldn’t have pushed you away so much. And maybe this is too little, too late, I don’t know, but I want to be here for you. You can tell me to go, I understand if you don’t want me here.”
“Of course I want you here,” Nico tells you, reaching over and taking your hand, tugging you closer. “I just can’t keep doing this. I want to be with you, I want this to be real and if not-.”
“I want that too,” you whisper, shaky fingers clutching at Nico’s arms.
“What? Why? Why now?” Nico asks, shaking his head in disbelief.
“Because I realized how stupid I’ve been. I was scared, I was holding onto this idea that I needed to figure something out before I let myself get into a relationship,” you tell him, trying so hard to come up with words that would explain everything, make everything okay. “I was waiting for something, some revelation or something, but I don’t even know what I was waiting for because I don’t want anything else, I just want to be with you and I’m sorry that I didn’t just accept that earlier. I shouldn’t have made you wait like this.”
Nico nods as he listens to your rambling explanation, watching your eyes welling with tears. When you finish talking Nico pulls you into him, pressing his lips to the top of your head. “I would have waited as long as you needed.”
Sniffling you pull back, wiping away the tears from your eyes before they could roll onto your cheeks. “Sorry, I shouldn’t be crying like this,” you say with nervous laugh. “I, um, I don’t know what to do now…we’re here to celebrate you, how…where…what happens now?”
Nico chuckles quietly, leaning down and pressing his lips to yours gently. “Just stay with me, you don’t need to worry about anything else.”
“I’m not going anywhere,” you say, taking Nico’s hand in yours, moving to his side. “I love you,” you whisper.
Nico glances down at you, his lips curling into a smile. “I love you too.”
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