#tag update: guess tumblr said i have no tag rights
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Yearling - Ch. 30: Blood
Joel and Tommy run into trouble on patrol. A continuation of Yearling ch. 1-29 found on Tumblr here.
Pairing: Joel Miller x Female Reader
Warnings: Canon-typical violence. Plot points from TLOU2. No use of Y/N. Minors DNI 18+ Only
Length: 7.5k
A/N: Hi y’all, I’m stashing this whole chapter below a jump because it’s been brought to my attention that the major event of this chapter is less common knowledge and more of a spoiler than I really realized it was. There is a major plot point for TLOU2 below. I’m sorry I didn’t tag the whole fic that way (going back to update that now) and I apologize if this spoiled things for people who were trying to go in blind. This is the first chapter with any big overlap and if you want to bow out now, I totally understand. My DMs are open if you want to know more without full spoilers and if there’s a way to keep reading without knowing the plot of TLOU2.
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“Dina kissed me.”
“What!” You yelped and Ellie’s eyes went wide before she clamped a hand over your mouth.
“Shhhh!” She looked around, her breath rising in front of her. But the only people out right now were inside the stable, a good 50 feet behind you and far enough away that you doubted any of them heard you, even if you were loud. “Jesus, Bambi…”
She released your mouth and you tried not to giggle.
“Sorry,” you whispered. “Good for you, kiddo! Told you not to count the girl out because she also fucks men…”
“There’s no way she meant it,” Ellie rolled her eyes. “Get real.”
“Why not?” You asked, brows raised. “Why shouldn’t she mean it?”
“Because she’s Dina,” Ellie said, as though that explained everything. You just looked at her and she rolled her eyes again. “She was just trying to stir shit up because her and Jesse split up…”
“Uh huh.”
“And I was convenient,” she finished. “That’s it, that’s all it was…”
“And you know this because you asked her, I’m sure.”
“Fuck off,” she snapped. “Look, I didn’t drag you out here to figure that shit out…”
“You sure about that?”
“I dragged you out here,” she said, ignoring you, “to try and figure out what the fuck I’m supposed to do now.”
“Kiss her again,” you shrugged. “That’s what I’d do…”
“I’m being serious!” She hissed at you. “I have to go on patrol with her in like half an hour, what the fuck am I supposed to do?”
You sighed and smiled a little, putting your hands in the pockets of the coat Joel had given back to you that morning. He said he hadn’t been wearing it but it had to have been hanging close enough to things he did wear and it smelled a bit like him.
“First, you need to calm down,” you said gently. She looked like she was going to snap at you but you silenced her with a look. “I know it’s hard but regardless of how you want this to turn out, try not to be in your own head about it, OK? She’s still your friend and I’m guessing you want her to stay your friend, right?”
“Duh.”
“So eloquent,” you said and she rolled her eyes. “Look, you have two options. You can pretend it never happened and see if she brings it up or you can be up front about it and ask her.”
“Is there a way to bring it up without looking like a desperate fucking loser?” She asked, brows raised.
You shrugged.
“Tough line to walk but I think you’ve got it in you.”
“Jesus…”
“Ellie,” you took her shoulders and made her actually face you. “It will be OK. Might be awkward for a bit but it’s not the end of the world. I promise. You can talk to her. She’s your friend for a reason and it’s because you’re kind and you’re smart and you’re funny. Even without the help of Will Livingston. None of that shit changes just because you kissed. Alright?”
“Yeah,” she said, dropping her head to your shoulder with a heavy sigh. You put your arms around her and gave her a little squeeze but when she pulled back from you, her eyes were narrowed. “You’re in a weirdly good mood.”
You frowned.
“No I’m not.”
“Uh yeah, you are,” she said, stepping back and looking you up and down as though she she were inspecting you. You just raised your eyebrows at her, expectant, when her mouth dropped open for a moment before she shifting to a shit eating grin.
“Ellie…”
“You fucked Joel!”
“We need to have another conversation about the fact that what happens between my legs is none of your business,” you muttered, turning her around to head back toward the stable.
“No we don’t,” she said. “This is great, you two have been so depressing the last few months…”
“We have not!”
“Please,” she rolled her eyes. “You were basically dead for weeks and Joel barely left the house for who knows how long.”
“That… was less recent,” you said. “And it’s not your job to worry about us so let’s just…” you stopped just short of the stable doors. “How did you know?”
“Know what?”
“About…” you lowered your voice. “Joel. Not that I’m admitting to anything.”
She smirked.
“That coat’s been hanging in his front closet since you left.” You looked down at yourself and groaned. Her cocky smile grew. “You wanted the coat again. Bingo.”
“Well just… keep it to yourself, alright?” You said, heading for the door. “I have no idea how to handle this with Savvy yet so cool it for bit. Please.”
“I can keep my mouth shut you know,” she said as you opened the door to the stable and she went in. She opened her mouth to keep talking but Dina came up to her, smiling, and she froze instead.
“Hey Ellie,” she smiled a little bigger before looking at you. “Bambi, good to see you.”
“You too,” you said, clapping Ellie on the shoulder. “Have fun out there.”
She glared at you over Dina’s shoulder and you just shrugged and winked at her before taking care of the final things you needed to before getting everyone out the door on patrol.
You seriously considered, for a moment, taking Joel’s hand and just dragging him back home when he told you that you’d be going out separately. Things with him were so raw and delicate and new again. Neglecting it for two days felt dangerous somehow, a tension setting into your limbs before you and Julie headed out.
You were always last to leave the stables, always waiting until you knew the rest of the patrol was situated even though you knew Olivia could handle things just fine without you. She smiled - a vaguely amused look on her face - as you went back over everything for the third time.
“I promise, it’s all good,” she said eventually. “Please go focus on killing infected and staying safe and leave managing the horses to me.”
On the way out of town, you stopped by where the working dogs were kept and asked if you could bring Gatling along, Julie looking a little skeptical as the dog jumped on Renaissance and settled between your legs, her head draped over your bicep.
“Used to ride like this with her all the time,” you said, kissing the top of the dog’s head. Gatling licked her lips once and curved her body into yours as you sat back in the saddle to make sure she had room. “I’ll let her down once we’re good and underway, she’ll keep up. She’s great at spotting infected and I’m guessing she could be a great patrol dog once we get her adjusted to working with more than just me…”
“She definitely looks like she can hold her own,” Julie said, watching as Gatling started scanning the horizon, her ears perked and listening, ready to jump off your horse and run down any apparent threat. “What kind of dog is she, anyway?”
“She’s a Belgian Malinois,” you said, giving her a scratch behind the ears. “They were police and military dogs before. She saved my ass from infected more than once and she kept my girl alive when I couldn’t…” You kissed her head again and she turned to lick your cheek before going back to watching for threats. “She’s a good girl.”
“Good to know I’ve got someone out here who can really watch my back,” Julie teased lightly. “Not sure I trust you to do it…”
“Why not?” You asked, gaping at her. “I’m a great shot, keep you alive no problem…”
“You forget I saw you trying to show Ellie and Savvy how to shoot a basketball that one time,” she smiled a cocky smile. “You barely hit the backboard…”
“OK shooting a basketball is a completely different animal,” you waved her off. “Where it counts, my aim is solid. Saved Tommy once.”
“Bullshit.”
“It’s true,” you said, nudging Renaissance a little faster. “Ask Joel…”
“Joel, hm?” She brought her horse alongside yours. “Things happening there?”
You tried to hide your smile but felt the edges of your mouth curve up, anyway.
“Good for you!” Julie said. “Both because you’re my friend and I want you to be happy but also because I like being right and goddammit, if I’m going to get shot down for a man of all people at least it’s a man I was right about.”
You laughed a little before you remembered you had things weren’t just magically fixed with Joel yet.
“Do me a favor and don’t mention it to anyone?” You said, looking down at Gatling. “I need to tell Savvy…”
The dog looked up to you at the mention of her name and you gave her a small scratch.
“Oh, right,” Julie winced a bit. “Yeah, that might be rough.”
“Yeah,” you sighed heavily. “I need to figure out a way to do this without losing both of them. I can’t do that again, I just… I can’t.”
“You’ll figure it out,” she said gently. “It will be OK. Just have to believe it, it’ll happen.”
“I’ll do my best,” you smiled a little at her. “How’s shit with Karen, by the way?”
“Oh God,” she laughed. “I’m not sure how much I should tell you…”
The patrol was easy enough until the snow started flying. It was still, the two of you talking, Gatling sometimes running ahead and acting more like a puppy than you remembered her being before, making you smile. It felt like if she could be like this - young and free and more than what survival had made her - so could Savvy. She would get there someday. You could get her back and make her understand once she was ready.
Once the snow picked up, you and Julie decided to hunker down instead of pressing on to what was meant to be your final spot for the day. Though you were pretty sure you were only an hour or so shy of it if the weather weren’t working against you.
“OK this is bullshit is what this is,” Julie said as she stomped snow off her boots and shook it out of her hair. You laughed a little as you got a fire going in the fireplace of the old house you’d reached for the night. It was just at the edge of a small subdivision, a spot you’d ridden past before but never spent much time in. The two of you had gotten the horses settled in the garage and Julie had done a quick walk around the immediate area to make sure there were no threats before coming in to settle for the night. “White, fluffy bullshit.”
“Not getting you in the holiday spirit?” You teased. “Thanksgiving is coming up, Christmas right after that…”
“Yeah, I’m already counting down until spring,” she said, shucking her coat and joining you by the fire. “I can only live with this for so long.”
“I kinda like it,” you said as the fire caught the larger log and you watched it start to go up. “I like that seasons actually change here. It definitely made it easier to mark the passage of time when I didn’t have a calendar.”
“Well I guess when you put it that way,” she sighed dramatically and you laughed. “But now that you’re in Jackson, we’ll keep you straight on the passage of time. The snow can go.”
Julie had brought a bottle of whiskey from the Bison - “A perk of the job,” she said - and you were reminded of sleepovers when you were in high school when you and your friends would swipe booze from your parents’ liquor cabinets and get drunk around a bonfire.
“I feel like we’re going to regret this in the morning,” you said, snug in your sleeping bag on the floor as the fire dimmed, head fuzzy and limbs tingling from the alcohol. Gatling’s head rested on your stomach.
“We can just sleep in a bit,” she scoffed and you heard her adjust on the couch. “What are they gonna do, fire us from patrol for running late? Doubt it.”
You laughed a little.
“Guess there’s not much to contend with out there right now, anyway,” you said, closing your eyes. “Been quiet as hell all day. Doubt it’ll change overnight.”
“It’d better not,” she said, sounding sleepy. “Better not be more snow, either.”
You laughed once.
“Better snow than infected,” you said. “Or raiders.”
She didn’t respond and the room was quiet for a moment before you heard a soft snore coming from the couch.
You laughed and then sighed, pulling a hand from the sleeping bag to scratch Gatling behind the ears. She sighed and curled up tighter to you.
“It’s gonna be different when we go back,” you whispered to her, absently stroking one of her soft ears. “You can still come home with me, though. Maybe sleep with Savvy instead for a bit. I’m sure you miss her.”
You tried to think about how to tell Savvy about Joel. It would have been a hard conversation under any circumstance, you thought. Not one you’d ever thought you’d need to have when you’d started caring for her. The idea of being with anyone long term then had been so foreign it hadn’t even crossed your mind. After Marisa, you’d given up on that. Just the occasional lover when there was a woman around who was interested as she was passing through had been enough.
But Jackson was different. Joel was different. You had safety and security in Jackson and you loved Joel in a way you’d never thought you’d find, especially not after spending so long alone. But how could you tell Savvy something that you knew would hurt her? How could you tell her anything at all when she hadn’t spoken to you in weeks?
“She’s gonna come around, right?” You whispered to Gatling. You felt her lick her lips and sigh against you. You closed your eyes but left your hand on the dog. “I’ll get her to trust me again. I will.”
When the pounding on the front door woke you up, you were barely even aware you’d been asleep. But it was daylight outside and Gatling was standing near the front door, crouched low and snarling.
“Wha…” Julie lifted her head, a groggy look on her face.
“I got it,” you said, head spinning as you shoved your way out of your sleeping bag. “You stay put.”
“Thank fuck,” she groaned, dropping her head back on the couch and draping her arm over her eyes. You laughed and shook your head, going for the door.
“Gatling.” The dog looked up at you, ready to obey. “Heel.”
She fell back from the door and went to your leg, still tight against you, as you opened the door.
“Glad I found you,” Gene, Jesse’s patrol partner said, pushing past you into the house without waiting for an invitation. “It’s a mess out there…”
“That’s why we stopped here for the night,” you said, leaving the door open and nodding to Gatling, who immediately ran outside to pee. You waited by the door and let her back in, the dog sticking to your side again.
“We can’t be that late getting out of here,” Julie grumbled, sitting up and pinching the bridge of her nose. “Not that it’s not just a blast to see you, Gene…”
“We’re missin’ people,” he said, more to you than Julie.
“What?” You frowned, crossing your arms over your chest, the after effects of the alcohol suddenly fading fast. “What do you mean we’re missing people, who are we missing?”
“Joel and Tommy,” he said. “They never made it where they were supposed to last night and we can’t find ‘em….”
“They probably stopped for the night like we did,” Julie waved him off. “Did you not see the weather last night? It was a shit show…”
“Probably,” Gene nodded. “But they’d have made it there by now and we didn’t see them comin’ back down, either. No sign of ‘em. Ellie and Dina weren’t where they were supposed to be, either, but we at least found a fuckin’ trail for them, sent Jesse on to get them back in one piece…”
You were already moving to put your boots on, heart pounding, Gatling giving you a small whine. You put a handful of jerky on the ground for her and refilled her water dish before you started packing up your sleeping bag.
“I’m sure they’re fine…” Julie said, actually sitting up in the sleeping bag now, her legs pulled into her chest and watching you closely.
“We should split up,” you said, pulling on your coat. “Cover more ground…”
“Don’t know if that’s smart…” Gene began but you cut him off.
“I can handle myself,” you said, harsher than you’d really meant to. “I’ve got Gatling, I’ve got my guns, I’ve got my axe. That’s all I had for 20 damn years and I made it just fine then. If you’re worried, you and Julie can stick together but I’m not gonna sit here and talk about how to minimize risk when they’re out there dealing with who knows what…”
“Bambi,” Julie said gently, getting off the couch and taking you by the shoulders. “It’s OK.”
“No,” you shook your head. “It’ll be OK when I find him in one piece, then it’ll be OK, I’m not…”
“Gene and I will go one way,” she cut you off. “You and Gatling go the other. We’ll cover more ground. OK?”
Gene sighed, looking between the two of you.
“You got a death wish, don’t make me stop you,” he said gruffly. “Gonna go get my horse some water, we can head out.”
You watched him go, a nervous energy coursing through your body.
“Hey,” Julie said, taking your face carefully in her hands and making you look at her. “It is OK. It’s Joel and Tommy. They’re very, very good at this. They’re OK.”
There was a pinch of tears at the back of your throat that you had to fight to swallow past. She took your hands, giving them a squeeze.
“I can’t lose him now,” your voice was thick. “I just got him back, I can’t…”
“I know,” she said softly, a sad smile on her face and you were struck, for a moment, by just how pretty she was. She pressed a soft kiss to your cheek, her lips lingering on your skin for a second, before she pulled back. “We’ll find him. We will.”
“Thank you,” you nodded and took a deep breath, one tear slipping free, before looking down at your dog who was watching, ready and waiting.
“Gatling, heel.”
She moved to be immediately with you and you went to the garage, quickly saddling your horse and mounting up. You called Gatling up and she settled at the front of your saddle, already watching for incoming threats with her ears perked as you set off.
You pushed Renaissance harder than you should have through the deep snow, trying to reach some part of Joel and Tommy’s patrol path so you could find some sense of where they might have gone.
It wasn’t long before you found the path cut by a group of infected. A large one, judging by the footprints in the snow. You didn’t see a sign of Joel or Tommy but the swath of disturbed snow and brush from the hoard as so thorough you doubted you’d be able to tell if two horses had come that way, too. And, knowing Tommy and Joel, they’d have tracked the infected…
You looked higher for a moment, above where people would disturb branches and realized some branches on trees were clean of snow - too high for a person to bump on their own but just the height a tall man on horseback would hit.
“Goddammit,” you muttered, steering Renaissance in that direction and pushing her on.
The horse was breathing hard and heavy when you reached a mansion outside the normal patrol area, fully gated with piles of dead infected outside. You looked through your binoculars and saw tracks from the horses leading inside. But something about it set you on edge. Something wasn’t right.
You commanded Gatling down and tied Renaissance to a tree that provided at least some shelter.
“Back soon,” you said quietly, giving her a scratch and offering her an apple from your pack. You made sure your weapons were loaded, rifle at the ready, handgun and knife at your hip, axe across your back. Gatling looked at you, licking her lips once, waiting for a command.
“Gatling, heel,” you said. “Hunt.”
She latched onto your side like glue, crouched lower and keeping her mouth closed and you moved as quickly as you could for the gates of the mansion.
There was no one guarding the place that you could see but you closed the gate behind you. If that had been enough to keep infected out before, you weren’t about to argue with it now. There were signs of plenty of people here, footprints of various sizes all heading for shelter inside. You tried not to think about the fact that you might have to torture information out of someone who left those footprints. If they had taken Joel and Tommy’s horses, you’d have to work quick to find what they knew so you could get to them. Torture could be the best option and, if it meant saving their lives, it was a price you were happy to pay. Because they had to still be alive, they had to be.
The mansion was dark and almost eerily still. It reminded you of some of the places you’d visited when dropping of horses you’d trained to be trail animals for rich assholes before the outbreak, the trappings of extreme wealth couched in some idyllic, fictional version of the wild west. People who in places like this couldn’t handle the real thing. Real wildness would chew them up and spit them out.
You crept through the house, looking for some sign of people, too afraid to call for Joel and Tommy and potentially bring down who knows how many people on you when you heard it, an agonized cry in a voice you knew, one you knew better than almost anyone else.
“Joel,” you breathed, and you were running, Gatling at your heels.
You knew that you should stop, assess, try to form a plan but he screamed again and you plowed ahead. A plan didn’t matter, all that mattered was one thing: getting to Joel.
You had to get to him.
He had to be OK.
He had to be.
***
Joel knew what it was like to die.
He’d come close enough enough times over the years. Even before the apocalypse began he had a few near shaves. A fall off a ladder at a job site and the thought of “this is it” as he crashed down, the contemplation of what would happen with his daughter if he was gone, if he’d done enough to make it that she would be OK. A car accident that knocked him out and disoriented him enough that, for a moment in the hospital, he thought he was dead.
The times since had been different, more acute. For a while, it felt like dying would have been a mercy. There was some innate biology that kept his body pushing to survive when his mind saw death as a welcome outcome when he got stabbed or shot when he was taking what he needed to survive or getting the shit kicked out of him when he got overrun smuggling.
This, though, was something else. He didn’t want to die anymore, not really. He had you and Ellie and even Savvy. He had a reason to live now - live, not just survive - and he wanted it, wanted that life that was hanging there, so tantalizingly close on the horizon as heat of his blood pooled around him.
He still wasn’t entirely sure what happened, how he’d ended up here like this. He’d reached the girl he’d seen through the binoculars as she damn near got bit, he’d shot the infected and pulled her up just as its teeth were getting close to her neck.
“We gotta move!” Tommy yelled, shooting another infected.
Joel gave the girl a once over as quick as he could.
“You bit?” He asked. She was panting for breath but shook her head. “Got a gun?” She nodded. “Good, let’s go.”
He tucked her behind him and led the way, trying to find a way through and out. There were dozens of infected, riled up and searching for something to sink their teeth into, desperate for someone to turn.
“Shouldn’t be this damn many!” Tommy yelled as they scrambled back toward the horses. “Why are there this damn many?”
“Worry about that later!” Joel snapped, dragging the girl along behind him. She stopped and shot two that were getting too close for comfort and, even in that moment, Joel could appreciate that she was a good shot. “We have to get the fuck away from here, try and lose ‘em…”
“Think we can get all the way back to town?” Tommy asked, reloading his gun.
“Hell no,” Joel shook his head. “Need to find somewhere else to hole up…”
“My friends,” the girl said, looking between the two of them. “We’ve been staying at a mansion, not far from here. It’s got a fence around it, we’ve got the perimeter secure, if we can get there we’ll have help…”
Joel and Tommy looked at each other. It was unlikely a girl this young would be running with raiders, more likely a group just passing through as they headed for the coast from a QZ. Tommy shrugged and Joel looked back to her.
“Right,” he said. “We’ll head there, we got horses outside, you can ride with me and just tell us where to go. I’m Joel, that’s my brother Tommy, we’re from a settlement a few hours from here…”
“Joel,” she said, something shifting in her eyes when she said it.
“Right,” Joel said, not paying much attention. That seemed stupid, now. But he’d been so worried about Ellie, about you, about getting out of there to make sure you both were OK. “What’s your name, kiddo?”
“Abby,” she said, an odd twinge in her voice. “My… I’m Abby.”
They made it to the horses by the skin of their damn teeth, infected at their heels the whole way.
The kid was right, at least. The mansion was secure, her friends clearing the area with molotov cocktails, infected burning just outside the gates.
“Jesus Christ that was close,” Tommy laughed, clapping Joel on the shoulder. “Fuck, ain’t come that close in a while…”
“Couldn’t get a good look at ‘em,” Joel said, looking back at the burning bodies. “See any bullet holes? Any sign they might have run into the girls?”
Tommy’s giddy smile over surviving faded and he gave Joel’s shoulder a squeeze.
“I’m sure they’re alright, Joel,” he said. “Shit, Bambi’s a deadeye. And you taught Ellie everything you know. They probably didn’t even come across these fuckers and if they did, they’re fine. They’re fine, both have made it through worse than a few infected…”
“We should get inside,” Abby said, looking more at one of her friends than at Joel. “Now.”
Things seemed normal then. Tommy was trying to get the group to come back to Jackson, Joel was worrying about you and Ellie.
And then they introduced themselves to the group and it shifted. Just like it had with Abby, the change sudden and sharp.
“Y’all act like you’ve heard of us or somethin’,” Joel said, thinking it was a joke. His mind was still elsewhere, still on you, still on Ellie, still on making sure you both were OK. He wanted to be back in Jackson, back in his quiet house, back in bed with you, pillows actually brought up from the living room and you close enough that he could trace little patterns over your soft skin.
“Because they have.”
He didn’t even see the shot coming, didn’t have a chance to warn Tommy to run, his brother on the ground - unconscious? Dead? He wasn’t sure - before he could even think. Joel screamed as the bullet tore through his leg and he went down, straining to get to Tommy through the pain but they swarmed him, these kids his brother had just been trying to talk into coming back to Jackson. They held him down, his back to a wall as Abby knelt in front of him, her face twisted into a snarl. She looked so different than she had when he’d first spotted her, alone and afraid and cornered the way he was now.
“Joel Miller,” her teeth were gritted, the rifle tight in her grip.
“Who are you?” He managed, pulling against the people at his arms, people who looked like kids, fucking kids.
“Guess.”
“Look,” he grunted and gave his arms a yank but they thrust him back against the glass. “Don’t know what I did to ya but I know I didn’t do it on purpose. Done a lot of shit in my time but I don’t hurt kids and you’re a bunch of kids…”
“You kill my dad on purpose?” She pressed the barrel of the gun to his chin. “You slaughter a whole hospital of people who were just trying to save humanity on purpose?”
Joel’s stomach dropped. Of course. Of course saving Ellie would come back for him. Of course now that he finally had a life that was worth living it was getting ripped away for the one thing he couldn’t regret.
“I did what I had to do,” he said, trying to free himself again, even though he knew it was futile. “But it was just me. Do what you need to do, make whatever speech you got saved up, but leave my brother out of it.”
She squared her jaw, a look of disgust on her face as she got to her feet. She shoved her gun into the hands of the man - barely a man, almost still a boy, Joel thought - beside her.
“Tourniquet his leg,” she snapped. The others looked around, hesitating. “Do it!”
She stalked off as another girl obeyed, Joel trying not to scream through the pain as she tightened the belt around his leg. His head was still spinning when she came back into view, a golf club in her hands.
“You don’t get to ask me for a damn thing,” she looked at him with so much rage, so much hate that, for a moment, he pitied her. That someone so young was so angry and in so much pain, that her father had cast his lot in with a bunch of child killers and paid with his life, leaving her alone, was tragic. “And you don’t get to rush this.”
She jerked her head toward the people holding him in place and they looked at each other for a moment before stepping back. He tried to move but his leg was fucking useless and Abby swung the club, catching him in the arm before she forced him all the way to the floor with a pained cry.
He wasn’t sure how long he’d been here now. Consciousness was hazy. So was the feeling in his limbs. At times, it was like he was floating, far outside his body and somewhere far softer and warmer and kinder than here. Part of him was back in his living room, almost a year ago now, on Christmas Eve when it was just you and him and he buried himself inside the hot clutch of your body by the glow of the holiday lights. He was lost in the feel of you, so soft and warm below him. He wasn’t sure he’d ever felt closer to another person in his life, lacing his fingers with yours and looking into your eyes as you came. He’d promised to take care of you then and he’d meant it, he’d meant it so far beyond that moment inside of you, he’d meant it for the rest of his life he’d take care of you.
He just hadn’t thought it would be so soon.
At least, he thought, he’d made things right with you. At least he’d gotten to tell you that he loved you again, at least he wasn’t dying wondering if you could ever have forgiven him. At least things were right with Ellie, at least she’d loved him again and she’d let him love her the way she deserved to be loved. At least she had you and Savvy now, people who would love her that way, too, and make sure she was OK. She was going to need someone to make sure she was OK when he was gone, she was so stubborn and she tried to be so much stronger than she needed to be. She needed someone. So did you.
At least he’d get to be with Sarah again. She was so much closer now than she’d been before, barely out of reach now, somewhere quiet and safe and peaceful. Just far enough away that what was happening now couldn’t reach her. At least she wasn’t seeing this. At least you and Ellie weren’t seeing this.
Something shifted in the room, the club not landing on Joel’s body again, chaos drawing him back into his body again.
Everything hurt, like he’d been put through a meat grinder. He wasn’t sure he’d ever hurt this much, at least not physically. Every breath was pain. He’d been lying here long enough that some of the blood pooling around his legs had gone cold.
There was a vicious snarl, the crack of a gunshot and he realized, suddenly, what happened.
“Gatling!” He could barely adjust his head enough to see where you were. Your rifle was on the ground but so was the only other gun Joel remembered seeing in the room. Your axe was tight in your hands as you threw one of the men back with a roar. You kicked the guns at your feet behind you and pointed to Joel and snapped your fingers. “Guard!”
The dog ran to him and crouched around his body, hunched low, snarling and barking. You screamed and Joel struggled to see what was happening, tried to get up but he was only able to make it a few inches off the ground before he collapsed back down, his body too broken to properly obey. You were so close, you were in trouble and he tried to focus on it. He had to get you out of here, he had to take care of you, he’d promised to take care of you. He was supposed to protect you, that’s what he was built to do and he was failing.
“Gatling, bite!” Your command was more of a shriek, sharp and fearful.
The dog shot away from him for a moment, a snarl followed by a pained wail and Joel could see enough to make out that the animal had tackled someone near you as you scrambled to your feet, more of them coming for you. Joel tried again to move but his injured leg gave out that time, collapsing below him before he could put even half his weight on it.
“Gatling, release!” The screaming stopped and he heard another snap. “Guard!”
The dog went back to him, snarling and snapping and
“Bambi!”
Joel turned his head too quick to the door, his neck screaming in pain, to see Ellie standing there, her eyes wide.
“Ellie!” He yelled through gritted teeth.
“Go!” You screamed at her, bringing your axe around, swinging wide on another person coming for you, just catching their arm. “Get help, get Jesse! Go!”
You circled toward the door, axe up, daring any of them to try to follow her.
“You’re not a part of this!” Abby prowled toward you. “Don’t make me kill you, too.”
“He’s a part of this so I am, too,” you panted. “If you wanna try and kill me, you better do it quick and you better be damn sure you do it right because the second I’m down, that dog will rip your throats out one by fucking one. She’s done it before, I’ve seen it. You’ll have to kill me - which she won’t take lyin’ down - and get to the guns behind me to take her down. She works quick, hell of a lot quicker than me. If you’re fightin’ both of us, you don’t stand a chance. You that confident? I am. So is she.”
Gatling snarled as if on cue.
“Other option is to get the fuck out of here,” you said. Joel could just see you around the dog, blood dripping from your side, lip split open. “We got backup comin’, we’re from a settlement of hundreds and we’ve fought off raiders and infected for fuckin’ years, think we can handle a band of fucking children without much trouble. This worth dyin’ for? Right now, I got your death warrant. Up to you if I sign it.”
“Abby,” one of the men said. “Let’s go.”
“Are you fucking kidding me?” She snapped. “You want to just go? Now? Let him live?”
Gatling snarled again.
“You’re runnin’ short on time!” You growled, teeth clenched tight. “Now or never!”
“You lost control of the situation,” the man hissed. “We’re not all dying for your fucking revenge mission.”
She turned toward Joel and he watched the hatred and the rage move through her. He watched her think about bringing the club down one more time, just to see if she could land a final, killing blow before the dog struck hers. She moved a fraction of an inch toward him and Gatling adjusted, a vicious bark and a snarl ripping from her.
“He wouldn’t want you to die for this,” the man said quietly, so low Joel doubted you could hear. “And Miller probably won’t survive this, anyway. It’s done. Let’s go.”
“Fine,” she bit out, throwing the club aside. Joel tried his best to follow her with his eyes, praying that she wouldn’t go for you. Once the people had moved away from him toward you and the door, you called Gatling to you, the dog standing between you and the aggressors, snarling and threatening. They left, watching you closely, without a word.
The door closed and you dropped the axe, grabbing a gun from behind you on the ground and limping for Joel, blood dripping down your leg.
“Joel,” you fell to your knees beside him. He tried to say something but all that left him was a pained moan. “You’re OK, I’ve got you, you’re alright…”
“Tommy,” he managed, panting for breath. “Check… Tommy….”
“OK,” you said softly, brushing his hair back from his forehead. “Gatling, guard.”
You snapped your fingers and pointed to Joel again. The dog obediently came and positioned herself between him and the door, body like a coiled spring ready to attack. You went to Tommy and checked his pulse before adjusting him. Joel heard him groan and you said something he couldn’t quite make out before you were back to him, a bag with you this time.
“They’ve gotta have something in here,” you said, ripping through the contents.
“Baby…”
“Tommy’s alright,” you said, glancing at Joel before going back to the bag. “He’s comin’ around. Ellie will be back soon, she’s bringing help, it’s going to be OK Joel, it is…”
“Baby.”
“Hush.”
You found what you were looking for, a bag with some medical stuff inside. You set it nearby and looked over Joel’s back, wincing as you did.
“Need to look at the front of you, too,” you said. “I’m going to roll you over, alright?”
“Baby…”
“Shut up, Joel.”
Your hands shook and he cried out in pain as you moved him onto his back, flinching when you saw his leg.
“Jesus,” you whispered. “What’d they do to you?”
“Baby,” he said again, managing to lift a hand enough to almost reach your face. You took it, gently guiding his bloody palm the rest of the way to your cheek as you leaned down into it. “You’re bleedin’.”
“Oh,” you looked down at yourself. “It’s fine, I’ll be fine…”
“Need to take care,” he had to stop for a second, grinding his teeth through the pain as it wracked his body. It took him a moment to catch his breath. “Care of yourself. I’m… I can’t make it back, not like this…”
“Shut up, Joel.”
“Promised to protect you,” he said, brushing his thumb over your cheekbone. “Lemme do it.”
“Protect me later,” you said, setting his hand down and ripping the bag of medical gear open with your teeth. “Going to put bandages on your leg, see if we can let the tourniquet off, save the leg…”
“Baby.”
“Shut UP, Joel!”
He watched you work for a moment and you felt farther and farther away with every breath. He could feel himself fading and he wished you’d just stop, that you’d take care of yourself and just hold him while he could still feel you.
“Need you to look after Ellie,” he said as you wound bandages around his thigh. “She’s gonna act like she doesn’t need anyone but she does and…”
“And she has you,” you cut him off with a glare. “So it doesn’t matter.”
You released the tourniquet on his leg and it was more of a relief than he’d expected it to be, the pain of it fading to a dull enough roar that he’d forgotten it was there until the weight of it was lifted.
“Gotta get this spot at your side, too…” you adjusted his shirt and leaned over him and he got a better look at your own side, a bright red splotch growing on your shirt, a long gash going from your ribs down toward your stomach.
“You’re bleedin’, sweetheart.”
“I know,” you said. “Getting you fixed up first…”
“Baby.”
“Joel, I swear…”
“Need to get you and Tommy back,” he needed to stop for a second to catch his breath, the rise and fall of his chest straining his ribs. “Can’t… can’t die knowin’…”
“You’re not dying here,” you snapped, your voice thick. “I just got you back, you’re not dying here, you’re coming home and you’re going to be OK and…”
You sat back, looking at the spot on his side that you’d just bandaged, wiping your nose on the back of your wrist as you did.
“Gotta take care of yours now,” he said, eyes tracing the spot at your side. But you shook your head.
“Outta gauze.”
“Baby…”
“It’s not that bad,” you sniffed. “I’ll just… hold pressure until Ellie gets back. It’s OK, you’re gonna be OK, I can’t….”
“Here,” he ground his teeth, breathing through another wave of pain. “Lay… lay with me. Cut side up, keep the blood from flowin’ too easy.”
You looked at him for a moment before nodding and lying delicately next to him. He adjusted as best he could so he could see you, touch you. You’d been hit in the face at least twice, one of your eyes swelling shut and your lip split open. But you were still beautiful, so damn beautiful.
“I’m so sorry baby,” he said softly.
“Joel…”
“Wanted… wanted so much more time with you and the girls,” he said quietly. Your skin was soft, so soft it seemed like the sensation of it might be the only thing holding him to the earth. “I’m so sorry we’re not gettin’ that…”
“Stop talking like that,” you were crying now, not making any attempt to stop it.
“It’ll be OK sweetheart,” he said. “You’ll… you’ll be alright. Ellie’s gonna need you, keep an eye on her for me. Keep her outta trouble. Savvy, too. She loves you… she’ll… she’ll come around…”
“Joel,” you whispered, reaching out to cup his face, your fingers in his curls, one of the only places on his body he wasn’t bleeding.
“I’m so happy we made things right,” he said, his eyes searching yours. He wondered, if he watched you closely enough, if he could bring the precise color of them with him wherever he was going. “I love you so damn much, sweetheart. Need you to know that, OK? I love you.”
“I love you too,” you breathed. Your skin was so soft and your breath was warm on his skin. “I love you. I love you.”
You said it again and again. It was the last thing Joel heard before he passed out.
Next Chapter
A/N: Hi y'all ❤️
Again, begging for you to trust me, OK? OK.
I do love you but... feel free to yell at me in the comments or in my asks or DMs. I'll be responding to asks about the last chapter soon now that this one is up.
Thanks for going on this crazy ride with me!! It truly means the world.
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#fanfic#joel miller x female reader#yearling#joel miller x reader#joel miller x you#joel miller x oc#tlou2 spoilers
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Unwanted: Chapter 19, Unfriended - Pt. 3
Pairing: Bucky Barnes x Avenger!Fem!Reader
Summary: When your FWB relationship with your best friend Bucky Barnes turns into something more, you couldn’t be happier. That is, however, until a new Avenger sets her sights on your super soldier and he inadvertently breaks your heart. You take on a mission you might not be prepared for to put some distance between the two of you and open yourself up to past traumas. Too bad the only one who can help you heal is the one person you can no longer trust.
Warnings: (For this part only; see Story Masterlist for general Warnings) Language, mentions of sex, confrontation, uncovering of lies.
Word Count: 1.3k
Previously On...: Tony has a new mission for you, and everyone finds out you used to be a stripper.
A/N: CONFRONTATION TIME, BITCHES!
NOTE! The tag list is a fickle bitch, so I'm not really going to be dealing with it anymore. If you want to be notified when I update, please enable notifications from my Blog page!
Banner By: The absolutely amazing @mrsbuckybarnes1917!
Thank you to all those who have been reading; if you like what you've read, likes, comments, and reblogs give me life, and I truly appreciate them, and you!
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You left the conference room with a better idea of what Tony was hoping you’d be able to accomplish, and you were feeling slightly optimistic for the first time all day: You actually had a chance to help women escape the hell you’d lived in for seven years, and you were going to do your damnedest to do right by them.
You hadn't gotten very far down the hallway toward the elevator when you felt the cold, vice-like grip of a vibranium hand take hold of your wrist and pull you into a storage closet.
"Jesus Christ, Barnes," you yelled, wrenching your arm out of his grasp and rubbing the skin where he'd grabbed you. "What the hell?"
"Funny, I was just about to ask you the same thing." His eyes were dark. He was angry at you. Of all the fucking nerve. He had the gall to be angry at you? "What the hell, Pocket? What was that back there?"
Well, you thought, I guess this is actually happening.
"Really?" you asked, your voice calmer than you could have ever imagined it being. "Can't think of a single reason I'd be upset with you?"
"What are you talking about?" he asked, seeming genuinely confused. "We were fine this morning. Fuck, we talked about getting place of our own, for Christ's sake."
"Yeah," you said, "that's not going to be happening. Ever." He had the audacity to look hurt.
"What do you mean?" He reached for you, but you pulled away from him, trying to put as much distance between you as possible in the cramped space. "Sweetheart, talk to me. Whatever's wrong, we can figure it out together."
"How was Russia, James?" you asked, ignoring the concern in his voice. "Anything... I dunno, exciting happen over there? Twice, maybe?" You watched with a sense of sick satisfaction as all the color drained from Bucky's face and a look of panic overtook him.
"I-I don't know what you mean," he stammered.
"Please," you scoffed. "If there's one thing we can both agree on, it’s that I’m not intellectually stupid. Emotionally? Obviously. But not intellectually. Don't insult my intelligence by acting like you don't know exactly what I'm talking about."
"Whatever Carthage told you," Bucky said, trying to draw close to you again, slowly, as if approaching a wounded animal, "she's lying to you."
"Oh, no worries-- Jade didn't tell me anything, so no need to follow through on your threat to kill her and make sure no one ever finds her body, which, by the way, what the actual fuck?!"
"Doll, you gotta understand," he began, but you cut him off.
“No,” you said, putting a hand up to keep the distance between you. “I’m tired of being understanding when it comes to you, James.” You watched him flinch at your use of his government name. Good. “I’m tired of giving you second chances you don’t deserve. I’m tired of your fucking lies. I am so tired of you.”
You reached into your pocket and took out his phone. “Here,” you said, shoving it into his chest, “you left this when you went to your debrief.”
Bucky clutched the phone, looking between it and you. “You… you went through it?”
“Of course I fucking did!” you seethed. “Imagine my surprise when I picked it up, planning on just pocketing it to give back to you when I next saw you, only to see a notification for a new message from Jade fucking Carthage. The girl whose number I blocked from this very phone. The girl who, you swore to me, you were never going to speak to or be alone with again. Imagine how absolutely devastating that was.”
“You weren’t supposed to read those messages,” Bucky said, his voice low and full of sorrow. “I never intended for you to see them.”
“Well, no fucking shit, Barnes,” you said, throwing your hands in the air. “Kinda defeats the point of having a secret affair if the girlfriend knows about it, doesn’t it?”
“But it wasn’t like that!” Bucky exclaimed, desperate for you to believe him. “I didn’t intend for it to happen. It was an accident! I never meant--"
"Oh, an accident? My bad; I didn't realize you'd 'accidentally' tripped and got your penis stuck in her vagina. Two fucking times." You were hit with a realization. "Was this why you didn't call me when you were supposed to? Why you never returned my messages? Were you lying about your phone dying?"
"Yes, but--"
"For fucks' sake, James!" You were shouting now. "I fucking knew something was going on between you two. I fucking KNEW it, but no, you assured me it was nothing, that I was overreacting. That you loved me. I thought I was losing my fucking mind with insecurity, and meanwhile you've been fucking her behind my back and feeding me bullshit about how much you wanted to be with me."
"Baby, no!" Tears began pooling in Bucky's eyes, but they didn't sway you. "I swear, Russia was the only time anything happened. I promise you."
"See, here's the thing: your promises don't mean shit, James," you spat. "I can't believe a word that comes out of your lying mouth. I'd ask you why, but I wouldn't believe whatever bullshit you'd tell me."
"Because I thought you were with Steve," he blurted out, as if desperately grasping for any chance at making you understand. "I saw the news articles from the gala, and I was so angry! I– I wanted to make you hurt as much as I thought you hurt me…"
His words left you momentarily speechless. "You took the word of fucking trash rag as gospel, thinking I would do that to you? That STEVE would do that to you? And before even thinking about talking it over with me, you decided the smart choice was to go balls deep in the one person who I've been begging you to stay away from for months? That you swore I didn't have to worry about?" God, he seemed so pathetic to you now. “You just made the executive decision that I was a piece of shit? I’ve been to enough therapy sessions to recognize projection when I see it.”
"I'm sorry! I know I fucked up. Please, please just tell me what I have to do to make this right. What can I do to fix this? I'll do anything. You want me to never speak to Jade again? Done."
"That's just it, James," you said, the fight leaving you. "There's nothing that you can do. This is over. We're done. I refuse to do this any longer."
"Sweetheart, please," he cried, "please, you can't mean that. Don't talk like that."
"James..."
"Stop calling me 'James'!" he sobbed. "'m not 'James,' 'm your Bucky. 'm always your Bucky."
You shook your head sadly. "'My Bucky' died the second you decided to sleep with her, and there's no bringing him back. Welcome to the consequences of your actions, James. I hope you and Carthage are happy together. You fucking deserve each other." You started for the door, but Bucky grabbed your wrist before you could grasp the handle.
"Please," he moaned, "this-- this can't be it. We can't end like this. We were supposed to be forever."
You pulled your hand out of his grasp and opened the door. "You should have thought about that before you broke my heart," you whispered. “Again.”
"I don't know how to live without you," he murmured.
"Well, you better figure out how to fucking start," you said as you made your way out the door. "When I get back from this mission, I'm moving out of the Tower. Alone." The idea had just come to you at that moment, but you knew it was the right thing to do. You couldn't stand to live under the same roof as Bucky any longer, let alone across the hall.
"But this is your home," he pleaded. "You don't need to leave it."
"You were my home," you told him. "I don't have one anymore." And you left him standing in the open doorway of the storage closet, alone and crying.
<- Previous Part / Next Chapter ->
#bucky barnes x reader#bucky barnes x you#bucky barnes x y/n#bucky x you#bucky x reader#bucky fanfic#bucky barnes#bucky barnes fanfic#bucky x female reader#bucky barnes fic#bucky barnes fanfiction#james bucky buchanan barnes#james buchanan barnes#mcu bucky barnes#james barnes
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Arranged-sixteen
credit to whoever made the gif. found on google/pintrest.
Pairings: Mob!Bucky Barnes x Reader
Warnings: language, smut, angst, fluff, mentions of death.
Summary: Reader would do anything to make her parents happy and that included agreeing to an arranged marriage. She never expected it to be to one of New York's most feared Mob Boss: Bucky Barnes. He is anything but loving towards Reader however when her parents are mysteriously killed, Bucky makes it his mission to find out who were at fault. And in the process, ends up coming close to losing Reader.
Authors Note: So I have to close the tag list for this! Tumblr is stupid and wont let me tag anymore of you. Sorry! Also, were getting to the really good stuff now! I’m hoping for another update or two tonight.
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Arranged Masterlist
My eyes fluttered open, the golden rays of the upcoming sunrise painted the room and I slowly sat up to take in my surroundings. I was back in my room, suitcases and clothes still scattered throughout, but what made my heart drop was that I was alone, Bucky nowhere in sight.
“Bucky?” I called out.
His voice didn’t call back.
I gave a quick glance to my phone and noticed that I had been out for a few hours. The constant revelation of truths tonight had done a number on my mental capacity and whether I wanted to admit it or not, I needed to sleep it off. Even if I felt slightly better about the situation, I still wasn’t happy about how Bucky had to deal with the whole Jason situation. But in the end, I wasn’t going to change the outcome of what happened.
With a soft sigh, I decided that I should let him know that I was awake and feeling better, mostly. I made my way towards the one place in the house I knew that Bucky would be.
His office.
As I made the turn down the long hallway, I noticed Sam was leaning against the wall with his phone pressed to his ear. He had been so engrossed in his phone call that he hadn’t realized I had walked up behind him.
“They’re in there with him right now, it’s not pretty but we have to get somewhere.”
My brows knitted together as I halted in front of Sam who quickly ended his call when his eyes landed on me.
“Is Bucky busy?” I nodded towards the closed office door behind him.
“Yeah, I’ll let him know you stopped by,” Sam said.
I snorted. “What are you, his receptionist?”
“He’s in a meeting.”
“I heard. I guess it doesn't look pretty in there?” I questioned.
I was unsure what kind of meeting Bucky would have at the early hours of the morning and I made that clear to Sam.
He sighed. “Y/N, you can’t go in there.”
“Why not?” I had my arms crossed over my chest.
A bellow of screams came from behind the door and I tried to move past Sam but he blocked my path.
“I can’t let you in, Y/N.”
More screams sounded and I looked at Sam baffled. “What is Bucky doing in there?”
Sam shook his head with hesitation. “It’s not Bucky that’s screaming.”
“Sam, I swear to God, if you don’t tell me what the hell is going on. I'm so tired of being left out in the dark with everything. Please.”
He ran a hand over his face and let out a large breath. “There’s a lead in your parents' case.”
My heart jumped at not only hearing news of a lead in my parents’ case but also because of the way that Bucky and Steve were finding out more information. Sam didn’t have to tell me exactly how they were doing it, the screams that echoed told me.
Not bothering to hear Sam’s protests, I pushed past him and barreled into the office. The door had slammed against the wall. My eyes doubled in size with the sight in front of me.
Bucky and Steve had their backs to me but that didn’t stop me from seeing the blood on their knuckles and the array of knives on the desk. However, what made my stomach drop was seeing the man tied to a chair, blood pooling from a variety of cuts on his face, arms, and thighs. There was a puddle of blood forming at the man's feet.
“What the fuck is going on?” I gasped.
The two men turned on their heels when they heard my voice and Bucky cursed as he wiped the blood on a towel.
“What the hell, Y/N! Didn’t you see the closed door?” He seethed while blocking my view.
I ignored him, only pointing to the man in the chair. “What the hell are you doing?”
Bucky was now gripping my elbow to force me out but I ripped it from his grasp.
“NO! I’m done being the girl stuck in her room with the wool over her eyes as to what’s going on.” I fought against him.
“Y/N, leave. Now.” Bucky’s voice was calm but firm.
I shook my head and pushed past him, now standing close to the tied man. Beneath the blood and bruises that were forming, I could tell that he was younger than me, just a kid.
My blood began to boil as I looked back at Bucky. “He’s just a kid, guys!”
“Y/N, you need to listen to Bucky and leave. You shouldn’t be here for this.”
Steve was the next to try to get me to leave but I pushed his hand off of me.
“Screw you, guys! He knows something about my parents' case, right?” I asked.
It was Steve who gave me the answer I was looking for. “Yes but he’s not giving it up willingly.”
A gargled cough sounds behind me. “Oh shit. It was your parents that got wacked?”
Anger flashed over my eyes as I went to smack him, only to be held back by Steve.
“Let me go!” I did my best to break free from his grasp but failed.
That damn serum.
“I deserve to be here if it involves my parents!” I pleaded while looking between Steve and Bucky.
With a quick lick of his lips, Bucky eventually nodded. “You only ask questions, understand?”
I didn’t bother wasting my breath on him and turned my attention back to the man in the chair.
“Who killed my parents?”
The man chuckled but remained silent which seemed to anger Bucky, who grabbed a knife off of his desk. It twirled between his vibranium fingers.
“She asked you a question,” Bucky said.
Seeing the way Bucky had flipped the knife so effortlessly in his hand made my core twitch with a new, confusing desire.
I stared at it with a tilted head.
Oh…oh.
That’s why I felt this burning below. I had found myself becoming turned on by seeing Bucky play with the knife.
I pushed the feeling to the back of mind, knowing now wasn’t the time to explore this new kink.
“This is your bride?” The man said before looking at me. “Damn baby, why are you wasting your time with this freak? I’ll show you what a real man is like.”
Bucky’s boot landed into the man’s chest, knocking him to the ground, and pressed the knife deep into his neck.
“You’re lucky I need you alive for answers otherwise I’d kill you right now for even looking at her,” Bucky spat, drawing blood from a new wound on the neck.
I bit the inside of my cheek to stop myself from protesting Bucky’s actions.
Once the chair was placed up properly, I knelt down in front of the man again.
“What’s your name?” I asked.
“Let me guess, you’re the good cop?”
I shrugged. “Someone has to be.”
He looked at the two men that towered behind me and sighed. “Daryl.”
I gave him a small smile. “Okay, Daryl. I’m only going to ask you one more time. Who killed my parents?”
“Screw you.”
Skin on skin echoed throughout the room only it came from my hand as I slapped Darly, hard.
He spat blood on the ground, a chuckle leaving his lips. “Damn, that’s all you got?”
This time, I punched the same cheek I had previously slapped.
“Y/N!”
I ignored Bucky and kept my attention on Daryl. “Who killed my parents?”
My patience had begun to grow thin, I needed answers now and I didn’t care what I had to do in order to get them.
“I’m not fucking around. Who killed them?!”
He looked up at me with a sinister smirk under all of the blood. “Why don’t you ask your husband? I’m sure he’s got a list of people that want revenge.”
My hand reeled back, ready to land another blow, but vibranium fingers wrapped around my wrist and yanked me away from Daryl. I burned a gaze full of hatred towards Bucky as he pinned me against the wall.
“I said talking only,” he reminded me through gritted teeth.
“Look at him, Bucky! Clearly you two gave up talking to him a long time ago.”
Bucky nodded. “For you! This is all for you, Y/N. I can’t have you come in here still upset with me for what happened to Jason and risk making this guy clam up.”
A dry laugh fell from my lips. “You think that’s why I’m so heated? I don’t care anymore. You killed someone. I’m not happy with it but I can’t change that for you. It’s who you are and I have to live with it.”
There was a sadness that glossed over Bucky’s eyes and he sighed deeply. “I don't want you to stoop to my level. You’re too good for this, doll.”
“It’s my parents, Bucky,” I shrugged. “I have too.”
A soft finger raised my chin up, closer to Bucky’s lips, and I molded into him as he placed a gentle kiss on mine. All of the anger I had felt slipped through my fingertips, only for a moment, as I allowed him to tuck a piece of hair behind my ear.
“How sweet. You want to know what your parents said before a bullet was put into their brains?”
Bucky’s head snapped towards Daryl. “Keep your fucking mouth shut.”
I pushed past Bucky and reached for a knife on the desk. “What did you say?”
Daryl chuckled darkly. “They begged for your life to be spared. They knew that we would come after you next, unless they gave us what we were looking for.”
His screams filled our ears as I dug the knife deep into an open wound in his stomach, twisting and turning it.
“What did you want?” I asked.
No answer so I dug the knife deeper, more blood pooling over my hand. Daryl’s head hung low, another dark chuckle erupted from his throat. My fingers snaked through his hair and yanked his head back.
“What were you looking for?!” I yelled.
The knife dug even deeper which caused Daryl to hiss in pain but that didn’t stop him from spitting a large amount of blood into my face.
“That’s enough! Steve, get her out of here,” Bucky’s loud voice demanded.
The knife clattered to the hard floor below as arms wrapped around me from behind, lifting me away from Daryl. I kicked and writhed against Steve’s grasp, a slew of curses falling from my lips and being taken away.
“He knows! He knows who killed them!”
Steve continued to carry me until we were in the main entry of the house and once my feet touched the ground, I did my best to run past him but he was two seconds too fast. I ran right into his hard chest.
“Steve, please,” I begged, tears filling my eyes.
He gave me a sad look. “I’m sorry, Y/N. I can’t let you in there.”
My shoulders slumped, defeated. “But he knows.”
Steve cupped my face with both of his hands, forcing me to look into his eyes.
“Bucky and I will find that out but you need to go take a shower. Get cleaned up and take a breath. You only woke up a while ago from passing out. We don’t need that to happen again.”
Truthfully, I knew Steve was right. My body had been so stressed out with everything the last couple weeks that I hadn’t had time to simply sit and decompress; take a breath.
“Will you fill me in on what you find out?” I asked.
He nodded. “Of course.”
With one final sigh, I slipped through his gentle hands and climbed the stairs towards my bedroom.
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hi guys guess what!!
oh!! oh whaddya know!!
whaddya know. i was right to be suspicious.
and im not saying this as a “fuck you” to everyone who just said “oh just block them and ignore it!!!”
https://www.tumblr.com/catta1ll/739880934105661440/youre-absolutely-obnoxious-did-you-ever-ask
we now have BLATANT EVIDENCE why they’ve been doing this.
so? do i continue to ignore this?
https://www.tumblr.com/catta1ll/740075912742240256/vagueposting-to-this-extent-is-a-form-of-bullying
i keep my lips shut, right?
https://www.tumblr.com/catta1ll/739973728113442816/you-need-to-chill-every-artist-can-and-should
this is all your decision now.
Oh, and an update. Here’s another account of theirs.
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Back Up Art Archive Update
Last time, I spoke about posting my art to other social media sites - Pillowfort, Bluesky, and had just starting to on cohost.
Well, cohost posted their March Financial Update recently and it's not looking great - potentially running out of funding early April 2024. it could still work out, they've listed plans, but I don't know how finances for running a site are so I can't really comment on their plans. But considering I just started there I'm not inclined to get really invested in it right now. Especially since, skimming their previous financial posts, they said they were doing well. And the tone of the post doesn't help.
(There's more I could go into but let's just leave it there.)
I also found this Tumblr post which talks about this too and links to a mastodon post that I remember coming across before about some issues with cohost. At the time I was also looking at hive I believe since it was another big option and even though I decided on neither of them at the time, I now remember why I didn't bother with cohost after I made my account. It's something to dig into more, I guess (if I can find time for that).
I liked how they handled some things (muffle vs silencing tags and words, allowing you to see automatically see certain content warnings like spoilers for a game, pinning tags to your profile). I think I'm gonna just focus on Pillowfort and Bluesky again as play I catch up on an art archive since Tumblr hasn't been looking so great. Pillowfort financial status isn't the most amazing either but they're way more transparent about it and have a monthly breakdown of their expenses and progress on funding and are against generative AI and other tech crap that's come up over the years. So they get my primary energy for this backup/move.
#cohost#bluesky#pillowfort#tumblr#social media#text#somehow i'm not surprised#i think i've really appreciated pillowfort's financial transparency that i felt a little skeptical about cohost not having theirs anywhere#i was mostly trusting artists that i liked when they decided to go to cohost. and streamers that had moved over long before#i know no place is perfect but can't help but feel tired. again. especially when i had that inkling feeling about it but hoped i was wrong#of course things can turn around but like i said pillowfort seems pretty good#it's got some early/annoying tumblr wrinkles - cohost does too - but i trust them more
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I'm-Not-Going-To-Count-These-Sentences Sunday
Thank you @aroace-genderfluid-sheep and @hushed-chorus for the tags! (Guess what hushed-chorus I did that thing we talked about.) Also thank you to everyone who has tagged me on other WIP-days! I really appreciate it <3
So... I'm not counting sentences this time. I write long sentences, and I make rabid use of sentence-extending punctuation. And I have this thing about posting excerpts that are semi-contained in some way. Plus it's going to take me forever to get this fic posted, so I gotta give ya'll something. THUSLY: Here have a bunch of words.
(I really should have pinned my bi-weekly updates on Wednesday, but OH WELL.)
Context: Baz POV, with Agatha in the chapel after midnight, being 17 year olds. Simon is out of the picture after Baz kinda sorta stole his voice with a tape recorder in fifth year.
“I never thanked you for saving me,” she said, with just a little too much effort at nonchalance.
“You did, actually,” I said, not slowing, or sparing her so much as a glance. “You might recall how you resembled a hypothermic beached mermaid? You were quite free with your gratitude once you caught your breath. It was all very melodramatic.”
There was a brief pause - possibly an attempt to work out whether my description of her was complimentary or not. Either way, it didn’t deter her. “I never got to thank you the way I wanted to,” she said, a hint of a whine working its way past her shoddily built facade.
I didn’t answer right away as I fought down a sudden surge of irritation, one that threatened to trigger my more destructive tendencies - self-destructive, perhaps, but not exclusively so. The only thing worse than being considered a villain was being cast as a tragic hero - someone only misunderstood, just waiting to be saved.
“Basil—“ she began, apparently ready to try something else. I stopped short, forcing her to halt both her forward movement and that regrettable demonstration of poor judgment.
We were at the entrance to the chapel, now, and it was easy to crowd her against the cold statuary. “How exactly did you want to thank me, then, Wellbelove?”
Later it's entirely likely these two are going to put special effort into trying to forget any of this ever happened, because teenage mistakes are brilliant like that. You're welcome, Bazatha.
Also, super stoked to be working on a couple @caught-on-tape-fest podfics as well as cowriting with @ileadacharmedlife for the @carryon-reverse-bang. Wheeeee I can totally do this all! >.>
Tags/Hellos under the cut! (BTW regarding tags - I'm often unable to browse tumblr, so if you've posted something creative Sunday/Wednesday/for the hell of it, please feel free to tag me so I see it!)
Thanks for the tags over the past couple weeks @aristocratic-otter, @whatevertheweather, @brilla-brilla-estrellita, @ileadacharmedlife, @prettygoododds, @cutestkilla, @you-remind-me-of-the-babe, @tender-ministrations, @ic3-que3n, @artsyunderstudy, @youarenevertooold, @ivelovedhimthroughworse - I love love love seeing what everyone is up to! (Sorry if I missed anyone - apparently tags don't always work? Sigh.)
Tags and hellos also to @fatalfangirl, @katmiscellanious, @shrekgogurt, @rimeswithpurple, @alleycat0306, @ebbpettier, @supercutedinosaurs, @nightimedreamersworld, @thewholelemon, @theearlgreymage, @bubble-gumhead, @raenestee, @jasonfunderberkerthefrogexists (thanks for the extra notes XD), @ionlydrinkhotwater, @erzbethluna... And anyone else who wants tags, please let me know! Or just tag me! I love them.
#agatha will figure herself out eventually but it will not be This Day#ditto baz because he's just in a lovely out of control tailspin right now#WHERE IS SIMON?#maybe I know#I hope so anyway#I really need to title this fic#but I have a whole hat full of titles#a playlist full of them!#I could just call it ANGST#Or maybe ANGST ANGST BABY#No#I will absolutely not title it that#even I have standards#wait#*goes to AO3 to make sure I didn't just accidentally insult someone*#I think I'm okay#six sentences sunday#six sentence sunday#(which one is the right one?)#snowbaz#baz pitch#agatha wellbelove#simon snow series#the simon snow trilogy#simon snow fanfic#only sans Snow so far#what is it with me and tags? I mean really.#and all anyone really wants to know is when or why was Agatha a hypothermic beached mermaid?#jodofic
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I dont even think the tag is dead at all tbh. We were really spoiled last summer with 2k post per day, and something crazy happening everyday like Mikhailgate, scriptgate, sock anon or people impersonating Ross duffer, but if you check most tags on this app, that's rarely the case. The thing is, it's been a year since season 4 came out and we're still getting around 300 posts per day and I need people to realise how crazy that is. Before season 4 the tag had like 5 k followers and there could be days without a single post. The fact that it's been a year and we still surpass 200 posts, AND we've already made it through the most content drought phase of the hiatus (since filming is about to begin and we'll increase the daily posts again) is crazy. This tag is still very much active, even for a show that hasn't released any new content for a year. And also AO3 is still active. The fact that for a whole year, there's been writers who still update fics or create new ones everyday is something I'm not used to coming from other smaller fandoms.
I get it's a bit more boring right now and we are looking back to the may-august craze, but we've already made it through the worst and we only need to hold on for one more month
This is definitely the best way to look at it!
I think I’m also maybe sad bc a lot of familiar faces aren’t as active, like some folks I remember seeing daily are gone. Which is fine!
And even despite that you’ll see posts in the tag get like hundreds of likes, so there are definitely a lot of people still lurking just not posting. Which is also fine!
It’s so true though that we are a lot more active than we realize.
Tumblr in general I used to think of as like a no man’s land pre-s4 bc it tends to really only be active in specific fandoms where like the unity is on point bc the content is just rolling in.
So many fandoms reside here at a point, but dwindle over time, and I feel like we are very fortunate to have made a big space here bc it is a cool platform when you have a lot of people that like a certain thing and want to talk about it.
And we’re fortunate enough to be so massive and not only that but this is sort of just the beginning. Imagine how many followers we’ll gain leading up to s5, during and after…? Or the aftermath of people coming here to look at theories and be like YOU GUYS WERE RIGHT! All the queer fans who kind of talked down on us (understandably) for potentially falling for queerbait, joining in and being like wow this is surreal, it finally happened. It’s going to be magical.
For now I guess it just makes me wonder if I should take a break too?? Like seeing yourself over and over in the tag is almost a wake up call that I should step back like everyone else is for the time being? Bc like idk if it’s maybe annoying to see the same person over and over? Or if it’s just the reminder of how inactive things are and that’s what makes people step back too?
Not even a bad thing necessarily like you said, bc this is still an unprecedented case of a fandom being quite active despite the circumstances.
Honestly though, even if there isn’t much news going into May and in the couple months after it, beyond like the bare minimum of what we’re expecting, I’ll try to embrace it and maybe step back or even focus on more detailed posts instead of the day to day fodder.
I also hate myself for this, but I rarely go in the top posts tag??? I’m always like living in the recent posts part of it and that’s probably also the problem 😭
So reminder to anyone that’s like me who does the same, we gotta support more of us that have top posts too bc I will literally remember the top posts exists, go there, find absolute gems (obviously it’s top posts???) and then be like why the fuck don’t I come here more often??? That’s another way I could probably curb my disappointment about us not being as active as I’m used to. And it’s super simple.
There’s a lot of stuff like that I could do better at to contribute to the solution of this being a better experience for myself and other still active on here!
Thanks for the pep talk anón 😇🙏
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i accidentally stumbled upon your alt twitter acc today and i have to say it's so disappointing to see you constantly hype thomas up to his face on main then talk shit about him there. you may not be tagging him but those posts are still public and he could still see them. idk i guess i just thought you were nicer than that.
He is unable to see any posts on my alt account, I have him blocked on there because I frequently post about tss ships I really like and feel very uncomfortable if he were to see that. I know that he has said he’s fine with people shipping the sides and many people tag him in shipping stuff and that’s cool for them! But personally I would feel weird for him to see me posting that? Idk. It’s just how I am.
Secondly, in terms of ‘talking sh-t’ in many fandoms it’s perfectly reasonable and normal to criticize creators as you wanna see them grow or you may just end up disappointed. I do love Thomas, him and his series has been my special interest for like 5-6 years now. But I can’t deny sometimes he disappoints me, like this next tss video it seems is just another ad and that tires me. The irony of this coming to me on tumblr is the difference between twitter and tumblr culture when it comes to Thomas. As tumblr is very open to criticizing some of his decisions. I’m not gonna get very deep into it, but I feel like personally I have the right to be disappointed in some of the things that happens in the series. Wait times, lack of updates, ad videos when we haven’t even gotten a main video in a while. But I still love the guy, he’s still incredibly important to me, I support him on patreon because I wanna see more of him and his series and because I just wanna support him. As for, if this is just about the beard comments, I just don’t personally like beards and I am completely 100% aware of the fact that thomas is his own person, he can do whatever he wants. If the beard makes him happy? That’s great! That’s amazing! I’d prefer he have it then. I don’t want him to change it, I’m not asking him to change it, I’ve never and will never ask/want him to change it especially if he likes it.
I know thomas likely has RSD considering he has ADHD so I would never criticize him to his face, I don’t wanna hurt/upset him. Why I don’t post this stuff on my main is for that reason, he COULD see it! And I don’t want to hurt him, I do care a lot about him and his well being. Sometimes I just need to vent out my disappointments and issues I have with some of his decisions is all. Or get a second opinion from other people or see if anyone else sees a problem with something I have. I still adore him and support him so much and have throughout all the years I’ve been here in the fandom. Me criticizing thomas occasionally on my alt doesn’t change that, atleast to me, of course anon you can think differently- but that’s up to you.
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So I saw a post about tumblr wanting to try this 'communities' thing, and I just gotta vent/say my piece. (the tl;dr is 'fuck that shit')
1. I really hate the current trend of fracturing and fragmenting things down into little pieces so they can be categorised into boxes. That's not natural. (Also, discord pushing threads, which I already detest for 1) making me feel like I'm gonna hurl from the violently dissonant, ugly layout, 2) the severely narrow topic problem, and 3) how neurodiverse-hostile they are.)
Like, naturally conversations meander. If you're only allowed to discuss one topic, it's gonna be stifling. You WILL run out of things to say. Making another little box isn't going to fix it, it'll just add to the clutter
2. Quite importantly, honestly, just stop fucking changing shit. It's unnecessary
3. It's not going to be neurodiverse-friendly. As if fandom hasn't changed enough to become increasingly unfriendly to people who are just here to enjoy their hyperfixation and/or special interest. I don't need another thing to learn to navigate. I don't need another place with different rules to carefully traverse. Yes, I'm fandom old and salty. I'm AuDHD and a spoonie with about half a spoon to spend on a good day. I do not have the energy to do all this switching about and jumping from thing to thing. It's exhausting. I want everything where I can find it, and where I can be passionate without having to perform tasks like it's some customer service job, or job interview
4. FOMO shit is toxic. This whole 'be a part of the thing!' necessity if you want to 'engage' or see the conversations and 'content'. Why? I guess it's a social media model that drives engagement, but the stress of it is going to fuck people up. What if you don't have the time, energy, health, spoons, social skills, etc? I have no idea how much interacting will be expected with other people in the 'community' but I can see it becoming a twitter-like circlejerk, and if you're not one of the 'in' crowd doing your required interaction/reblogging/commenting then you might as well not exist to that fandom/group
5. From the description, it looks like these things will be ripe for drama, toxicity, clique shit, becoming echo chambers, etc. because 'semi public' means you gotta opt in/join in some way and whatever's said isn't visible to any old user
Like, who is going to create and mod these things? Who decides what the rules are? What if your fave is 'problematic', or your kink is 'gross' (if nsfw is allowed at all), your take doesn't fit with fanon, or you are just a bit weird and people shun or turn on you for that?
I hope I'm wrong and either these things never happen or they're not as bad as I fear, but fuck sakes I have the above worries because it's shit I've seen happen time and time again, and I don't want to see given a place here
Also, genuinely, what the fuck is tumblr going to be like if you can't/don't want interact with these community things?
Quickly, 6. it creates an 'us' (in crowd) vs. 'them' (not part of our gang)
And then 7. who is going to be dominant in these 'communities'?
Yes, I'm upset right now, because tumblr was just fine (well, fine enough) until this point. I mean:
We have the ability to make sideblogs! (My Star Wars sideblog from... well a decade ago oops... is still out there, I don't touch it any more but I left it up for people to go through). Tumblr even made it so we can reply with sideblogs, which was a very neat update.
Tags!! I don't think it's as usual these days for people to go through tags to find new content, but that's how I do it, how I've always done it, and how I always intend to do it. I'm not following everyone who makes an SAS:RH post. I love you guys, but no. My dash would cause me to have a panic attack. It's already too much for me most days.
EFFORT!!!! I can be here every day full-time doing Stuff if I want! Or I can zone out for weeks if I want/need, materialise and contribute a silly meme, then drift off into the sunset again. If I 'miss' anything, I can go back through the tags, or scroll someone's blog. But honestly, who notices/cares on here if someone lurks or goes afk for a bit. It's super low pressure, because I'm doing what I can/want when I can/want
I want to opt in/out on my own time and terms. The thought of having to be part of a 'community' so I can see/not miss Content TM is freaking me out. I don't want there to be an 'appropriate' time window to interact with things like there is on other social media sites.
So, idk how the shit will look, but I don't agree with making things harder for people to access/find. I won't be posting stuff 'semi-privately'.
And you know what's super upsetting? The thought that I won't be able to see conversations and creations for things I love, because they're hidden away behind some complex new social thing I can't navigate. (Which is already an off-putting, ostracising problem on discord.) That's not how fandom communities should be.
The thought of there being less stuff 'out there' because it's in some 'community' somewhere... really not the direction I'd ever hope this site wold go in
I'm fuckin exhausted. Just lemme do my fandom whateverness without having to perform to some arbritary social interaction standard/requirements that I neither understand nor can do
#i want to murder discord threads because this feels like similar bullshit that's just gonna exclude people#JUST PUT SHIT WHERE PEOPLE CAN ACCESS IT EASILY#aim to be as inclusive as possible with as wide an audience and engagement as possible!#why is that so damn fucking hard?#also lol how long until they'd turn communities into a subscription thing or something#they keep changing shit and the newer people to things like discord and tumblr and fandom in general have no idea what it was like before#things have not always been this bad!#they were bad in other ways but nothing as exhausting as this social-media-model bullshit#yes i'm very fucked up over discord's update#i detest threads with a violent passion there's no fucking need to separate everything out until nothing is left in the channel#i can't even turn the ugly icon off in servers i own#i miss irc#i miss forums#i didn't like lj that much but goddamn#i miss pre-jumbled-up-tags tumblr#i miss pre-threads discord#we do not fucking need this change but it's being shoved down our throats because investors want to see new shit#i'm off to see if i can fix discord so i don't nearly throw up when i open it#the horrible thing is that it looks faintly passable in light mode but i can't read in light mode and you get light or dark and nothing els#personal#vent#just in case anyone hides those tags idk this has been a vent post#i'll go back to rogues soon
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Hi!!! Welcome!!!
Hello everyone!! I'm No One In Particular, but you can call me Noip if you wish!!
Although, I like having nicknames, so feel free to suggest some, hehe!!
Anyways, who am I??????
I'm just a monochrome child living in his room, and recently found this place called 'Tumblr'! I found a lot of cool people and thought I'd join them here!
I like having friends, exploring alternate universes, drawing and reading, and also sleeping!!
My Best Friend is known as Monochild!! She isn't here yet... But I might be able to convince her to join at some point!! Same with my other friends too!!
But what I do NOT like is fear, boredom, and...
Loneliness...
So... I would love to become friends with you all!! :D
Why is your name 'No One In Particular'?
That isn't my name!! I am literally 'No One In Particular'!! I don't know why, but... I don't seem to have an identity! I'm just... 'no one in particular'!
That's why everyone calls me Noip! Makes it a lot easier.
Are you sure you aren't known as anything else?
Oh, well... I guess I am known as the 'Traveler of Worlds' and 'Teller of Legends', but more commonly...
..."That Kid."
What do you look like?
Oh!!! I'll get a photo soon!!!
I look really cute, I like to thinkl!!
Argh, almost time to go!! Sorry, I bid you all adieu!!
Someone else will take over!! He's really smart, but also kinda strange...
...
Hello?
Oh, perfect. It's working.
So, uh, hey.
The rest of this part is OOC. That is, No One In Particular is no longer talking.
If you couldn't tell, this is a roleplay ask blog. Hope you like the story I set up so far.
I'm @cicada-wisp. The owner of No One In Particular's story and all the characters.
His tale takes elements from OMORI, UNDERTALE/DELTARUNE, and a little bit of Yume Nikki.
Originally the story was very different. But then it was forgotten.
It's been remade now. This is it. I hope it's good.
...
Oh, right, actually important things.
So, tag list:
#NoipAsk - Someone asked Noip something and he replied.
#Story - A part of the story was revealed.
#OOC - An out-of-character post.
#NoOneInParticular - Something relating to Noip. Also known as a character tag.
#MonoChild - Something relating to MonoChild. Also known as a character tag.
#art - Art. Do not expect many updates from this tag, sorry!
#writing - Writing! This'll probably be more common than the art tag.
General Notes:
Other character blogs and such are free to interreact as well! As Noip said, he loves having friends!
If responses are slow then sorry... I don't mean to ignore anyone!
Please, please interact with Noip.
He's.
So.
Alone.
#No One In Particular#Noip#ask#ask blog#asks are open#oc ask blog#undertale#omori#yume nikki#Story#ooc#Monochild
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Unwanted: Chapter 15, Undermined - Pt. 4
Pairing: Bucky Barnes x Avenger!Fem!Reader
Summary: When your FWB relationship with your best friend Bucky Barnes turns into something more, you couldn’t be happier. That is, however, until a new Avenger sets her sights on your super soldier and he inadvertently breaks your heart. You take on a mission you might not be prepared for to put some distance between the two of you and open yourself up to past traumas. Too bad the only one who can help you heal is the one person you can no longer trust.
Warnings: (For this part only; see Story Masterlist for general Warnings) Language, self doubt, Bucky doubt
Word Count: 487
Previously On...: Jade confronted you in your lab, trying to get you to convince Bucky to talk to her again. Like, gurl, what?
A/N: Since this part and the previous one are so short, you can have them both today! Feeling generous. Chapter 16 will start tomorrow!
Banner By: The absolutely amazing @mrsbuckybarnes1917!
Thank you to all those who have been reading; if you like what you've read, likes, comments, and reblogs give me life, and I truly appreciate them, and you!
Taglist: (Sadly, tag list is closed; Tumblr will not let me add anyone new. If you want to be notified when I update, please Follow me for Notifications!) @jmeelee @cazellen @mrsbuckybarnes1917 @blackhawkfanatic @buckybarnessimpp @hayjat @capswife @itsteambarnes @marygoddessofmischief @sebastians-love @learisa @lethallyprotected @rabbitrabbit12321 @buckybarnesandmarvel @fanfictiongirl77 @calwitch @fantasyfootballchampion @selella @jackiehollanderr @wintercrows @sashaisready @missvelvetsstuff @angelbabyyy99 @keylimebeag @maybefoxysouls @vicmc624 @j23r23 @wintercrows @crist1216 @cjand10 @pattiemac1@les-sel @dottirose @winterslove1917 @harperkenobi @ivet4 @casey1-2007 @mrsevans90 @steeph-aniie @bean-bean2000 @beanbagbitch @peachiestevie @wintrsoldrluvr @shadowzena43
Tumblr will not let me directly tag the following: @marcswife21 @erelierraceala @jupiter-107 @doublejeon @hiqhkey @unaxv @brookeleclerc
You were uncharacteristically quiet a few days later as you and Bucky were going over some documents for your upcoming mission. In all the time since he’d been on active duty, this would be the first mission the two of you would actually be going on together, and you were looking forward to it as an opportunity to spend some time reforging your bond as friends. Or, at least, you had been until your run in with Jade in your lab.
“Penny for your thoughts, Pocket?” Bucky asked, having taken note of your solemn behavior.
“Hmm?” you inquired, looking up from the document you had most definitely not actually been paying attention to, lost as you were in your own swirling thoughts.
“Something’s goin’ on in that pretty little head of yours,'' Bucky said with a smile. “Care to share with the rest of the class?”
You debated divulging the source of your concern with Bucky. On one hand, Jade remained a sensitive topic between the two of you, but on the other, you so longed to confide in your best friend. “Just something Carthage said to me the other day,” you told him eventually.
Bucky sighed and put down the document he’d been perusing. “Lemme guess- she said something that’s making you question how I feel about you?”
You shrugged, turning away from him so you wouldn’t have to meet his eyes.
“Sweetheart,” he said, placing a large, calloused hand over yours, “she’s trying to make trouble. She sees an opening right now, since you and I technically aren’t together at the moment, and since I refuse to even look at her, she’s gonna do whatever it takes to try and get under your skin, to get you to call it quits for good. She can’t manipulate me no more, so now she’s coming after you. You can’t let her get to you.” The way he said ‘technically’ told you he just saw the current state of your relationship as a temporary formality, a momentary blip in the correct order of things that would eventually be righted with time. It gave you hope.
“Yeah, you’re right,” you said, turning to face him. “She’s just trying to start shit.”
“That’s my girl,” he said with a smile, cuffing your chin. “I know I haven’t given you much cause to believe in me when it comes to how I feel about you of late, but I swear, I’m gonna keep doin’ the work to rebuild that trust until I prove to you just how much I love you. How important you are to me.”
“I know,” you told him, your voice soft. “And I want you to know that I do see the work, and I appreciate it. I’m hopeful that we can get back to where we used to be, eventually.”
“Me, too, darlin’,” Bucky said, returning back to the document he had previously discarded. “Me, too.”
<- Previous Part / Next Chapter ->
#bucky barnes x reader#bucky barnes x you#bucky barnes x y/n#bucky x you#bucky x reader#bucky fanfic#bucky barnes#bucky barnes fanfic#bucky x female reader#bucky barnes fic#bucky barnes fanfiction#james bucky buchanan barnes#james buchanan barnes#mcu bucky barnes#james barnes
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~ itsjamespotter fic list ~
Dead to Me [ao3 link] [playlist] [tag]: WIP - updated every 1-2 weeks - 63,027 words - jily, angst, hurt/comfort
I saw a quote once that said: "How many times have I loved a thing, just because you loved it? Including me."
This story is about love, but is not to be confused with a love story. It's about the love we should have had. The love we don't think we deserve. The crooked love we settle for. It is about how, in letting others love us, we learn to love ourselves.
My Sweaty Roommate Is Too Hot (Sadly Not a Porno) [ao3 link]: WIP - updated sporadically - 1,804 words - wolfstar, gay pining, and they were roommates
A collection of wolfstar microfics in which Remus Lupin is at uni with a devastatingly handsome, painfully oblivious roommate. He is either going to kill him, or shag him. Your guess is as good as his.
Show and Tell [ao3 link]: Oneshot - 3,574 words - wolfstar, smut
Remus and Sirius's rental unit has a whole wall of windows overlooking a busy street. (Tumblr smut prompt: “i wanna fuck you right against the glass so everyone can see how good you take it”)
Not the Worst Idea [ao3 link]: Gift Exchange Oneshot (maybe WIP?) - 3,685 words - jily, fake dating
James is just Harry's daycare teacher. Lily is just a busy single parent. This is just a fake date. Or is it?
Unmoored [ao3 link]: Oneshot - 1,330 words - jily, angst
Lily Evans is too young to lose both parents. She is too young for a lot of things.
Wolfstar Fics [on Tumblr]
Smut Prompt Replies [on Tumblr]
Jily Fics [on Tumblr]
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so like five years ago or something, (ugh, time), I started an epistolary fic for @pameluke that I have not updated in, well, several years. (brains! little fuckers are very uncooperative, what can I say?)
It subsequently became the most popular thing I've ever written by several of AO3's potential metrics, which is neat! But... pressure-ish? Regardless, it would be nice to actually, uh. Finish the damn thing someday.
And in the interests of getting the voices in my head to engage with it so I can finish, I am attempting to adapt some public workskins on ao3 into email & texting screens and I will (hopefully) be updating said fic with fun formatting whenever I do actually finish & post the last couple chapters.
BUT!
I have a visual/clarity question re: texts and group chats
Behind the cut for a slew of terrible screenshots! (In various zoom levels, so uh, apologies if you have to click on them to see wtf I'm trying to ask)
perhaps followed by a poll since I apparently have them now?!?
This is roughly what texting looks like currently, (and will still pretty much look if you turn off AO3 workskins and/or download the fic in an ebook format):
Now, the reason it says "Cat" on top, is because that's the contact name in the header of the phone screen, which currently looks like this:
Now, in the original draft Cat didn't say "Magnus" there, because his name was there in the label so I didn't need it. BUT, this is the first phone screen in the fic, so I figured I should include it for clarity.
Contextually, as the fic continues, I assume one will generally be able to tell who is texting whom, but I could, (even tho it would not be as phone-like) put in names so it's clearer:
which is also how I've been managing group-text/chat formats:
But it looks kind of weird when it's just two people talking back and forth. (It's not like my phone puts my name over my own texts, yk?)
Not having all the names might be confusing, but I CANNOT TELL ANYMORE? aesthetic vs clarity? SOMETHINGSOEMTHING?
The only real downside to just putting the names in is that it causes some weird spacing in the download/non-skin version, because the name tags are no longer visible but there is, afaik, no way to fit them in properly without leaving the space for them, if that makes sense:
ALTERNATIVELY, I could change the headers so they're informational rather than a visual part of the phone screen, for example, the first text up there would be something like "Magnus' Phone (texting Cat)" and then the group chats would be, idk, "Alec's Phone, The Hedge" etc. etc.
OR ALTERNATIVELY ALTERNATIVELY... I could do... something else that I haven't thought up yet? I guess? *shrug.emoji*
HELP ME TUMBLR, YOU'RE MY ONLY HOPE:
*for the options with a star, please do include suggestions as to how to accomplish that nonsense, k? 😅
With like, actual baby-steps, because I do not know what I'm doing. I was literally just trying to copypasta a skin and then I couldn't stop.
Like, sometimes the nametag on the right of the phone screen doesn't work and I haven't figured out why yet. I am having a similar problem with the phone screen headers not resizing on different screens, which is why they're not a contrasting color or bordered or anything at the moment, so you can't tell.
/It's still wrong though, and I know it, even if I can't see it. It's like my phone screen is judging me every time I look at them... 🤣🤣🤣
but regardless. If you've made it to the end of this post, I thank you. And I'm sorry?
Have a cookie: 🍪
#jilly spam#technical support#on the stuff that isn't writing#ao3 & css & graphic design oh my?#all things I know less than nothing about#whoops#iamforyoufic
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Way too late "2023 Year-End Fic Round Up"
@rakaiawriter tagged me for this at the appropriate time but, uh, I said to myself "I'll do it on desktop" and, well, I hardly ever use tumblr on desktop so... Anyway, I still did it. Not tagging anyone specifically considering how late to the party I am but if you want to do it, feel free.
Words written (published or not, WIPs totally count too!):
Around 10,600 published words. 2023 wasn’t exactly a productive year for me. Honestly, I was surprised that I managed to publish/update 4 stories… Double that if we’re including WIPs but that’s mostly just me adding bits and pieces to the ideas folder. Oh, and the Sol side project.
Smut scenes written (if applicable):
Two or three that aren’t published. I’d like to publish them at some point but they’re very barebones and I don’t feel like writing a whole setup just for the smut. I have bigger projects to work on.
New things I tried:
Only a little in terms of writing. I guess I started to plan more, but that’s all.
Fic I spent the most time on:
A Change of Seasons: Foe
My longfic and my most troubled creation mainly because I’m a perfectionist through and through and tend to rewrite (almost) each chapter before I edit and “Frankenstein” them together. Writing the first draft is always the hardest part for me and this fic in particular doesn’t make it easy due to its length.
Fic I spent the least time on:
Probably “Shame” because it’s so short.
Favourite thing I wrote:
Though I’m not 100% happy with the two latest ACoS chapters, I immensely enjoyed refining them and playing with the language used. Perhaps they’re a bit purple, but I do so enjoy indulgent, poetic descriptions,
Favourite thing I read:
Honestly, most of what I read in 2023 was to boost my Italian ^^; as for fics, though I won’t go through all of them right now, @elavoria’s WIPs are always great.
Writing goals for next year:
TO WRITE MORE AND FINISH ACoS: FOE!!!
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Thought I'd do a little bit of a personal update! I'm doing the reorganising thing which is still slow but really motivating - enough that I'm having good energy days where I'm getting more done! I should be able to start work on the new fish tank soon!
More commentary/thoughts/where I'm going creatively below the cut. (It might be a bit heavy, you've been warned - check tags for more info)
EDIT: Fixed Tumblr borking this, now looks like how this WAS SUPPOSED TO oof
So I'm in the process of redoing my entire office just to fit this fish thank (which has now been leak tested so we're good to go), as well as reorganising based on tips I picked up from this book for people with ADHD that I've found massively helpful. Honestly it's been great for helping me just THROW SHIT OUT because while I can have my moments of ruthless detachment and clear inventory my family is very much a 'use/reuse/reappropriate' kind of deal, which while great often gives me hesitation throwing stuff out primarily because of that pressure - especially when I'm stuck living with them. Now I know it's necessary to get everything to a state where it will STAY organised.
It's also let me take inventory of the stupid amount of traditional media art supplies which have been sitting there since high school in near pristine unused condition (we are talking a LOT of very useable acrylic paints here) and get them all organised. After chatting with my psychologist yesterday I've bought more/replacements for things I had to throw out (literally dry as a bone markers) as she literally said she 'very much encouraged' my idea of starting a visual art diary to help process emotions and stuff.
I know over the years my inspiration to do stuff has withered, usually because it's been hammered by bad moods (caused primarily by external forces I could not control on top of my already battered neurology). I know now because of shit in my past that has been largely unresolved, art has never been an outlet for emotions for me because I'm so afraid of taking up space. Despite emotions being a powerful source for art, I rarely draw on them both because I have spent so much time trying not to feel them or hiding them because unfortunately my history is one of a lot of rejection, right down to a very young age where my caregivers should have been way more on the ball. It's helped me acknowledge my way of expressing love and affection is kind of fucked - when I feel close to someone or like them a lot it has the opposite effect where I instinctively want to pull away from them because I'm scared I'm going to 'ruin it', like my life is tainted and by associating with them I'll drag them down somehow. I know it's silly but it's very hard to get past because it's automatic - that was the only way I was guarenteed to get affection, if I was the most borin, biddable, palatable child in existence who caused no problems, even if it meant enduring physical and emotional pain alone. I inherently find it hard to trust people being genuine about liking me as a person because I'm just waiting for the shoe to drop when they realise I'm too much hassle - which unfortunately was the circumstance my relationship ended around so yeah, that did not fucking help. Basically I go from being really comfortable around someone to masking intensely and yeah that is NOT GOOD. I also legit feel the reason I have alexytheimia is because I had to develop a buffer so early in my life just to survive as far as I have.
I'm hoping art journalling will help me process some of those thoughts and feelings and I still want to try and show them, just to show myself they DO have value, they are a valid part of the human experience and they should be allowed to take up space - I do not need to hide them away or cut pieces of myself out to become more 'palateable' to people. So yeah um, I guess there will be some vent art, I don't know if I'll post only to my art blog or here because it's more sketchy shit and I reserve the art blog for finished pieces now ... either way knowing me it's going to be highly metaphorical and symbolic so I don't know how 'triggering' it could be but either way I'll probably tag the absolute shit out of it just to make sure I don't adversely effect someone (yes I am aware of the irony in me saying that as it's basically me trying to 'not ruin' things again but even putting it out there at all is a big enough step - also tags are just basic decency).
So uh ... That's what I've been up to? Also why I've been kind of shit about WIP Wednesday tagging and responding to other tag games (which I am now once again remembering a bunch of that I STILL have sitting in my motifs cause I still wanna do them ; m ;) I think I tend to get something like reverse SAD this time of year, arguably for the same reasons SAD develops - it gets so damn hot that I have the curtains closed in my office (which has the biggest window in the house) all day to keep the heat out. So arguably I have just made 'tiny dark winter' for about two months because I ain't going outside when it's over 30C (aka the temp tomorrow. And the day after THAT. Fuck I hate summer). Just instead of dark and cold it's dark and sweaty - feeling clammy also being a sensory problem for me so all around BAD TIME until the season changes :/
Outside of all that I'm speculating writing a wlw romance in a western setting because I have had on off cowboy rot since forever and I should probably do something with that already. Currently speculative Native American love interest/secondary protagonist with a background that probably touches on maybe the boarding schools and then reconnection with culture. We've had similar stories with our indigenous population in Australia unfortunately (colonialism is a plague) so I can sort of have some understanding but I probably need to hit the books on that one. For any Americans/Canadians reading this if you know some good books, PLEASE send me your references, I really want to make sure I do this right. I reblogged a post a few days ago about how Native Americans are often dehumanised in westerns and they just become part of the landscape, and I really want to push against that. Also do some contrasting against how oppressive western colonial era culture was by comparison to native culture honestly because I feel that would be a really interesting dynamic. Idk when/if stuff with this project will start happening but we'll see.
If you read this far, thanks! It's pretty validating to know people care this much, since it's hard for me to believe people do care a lot of the time because of all the above bullshit. So just so you know, I love you guys 💖 and you get a bonus cat:
Tiny p.s. living with my parents now is very different from when I was a child, I know the people who caused me hurt are long, long gone. They are not the same people anymore - so I am okay! It's still frustrating but more for the reasons of wishing I had my own (bigger) space to live in and put all my stuff and just 'I am a 30 year old extremely supressed lesbian speed running puberty and this environment is not conducive to exploring that' if anything. While I'm out with my Mum I can't like ... talk about that shit lol. So yeah, frustrating but for entirely different reasons. Just clearing that up.
#kerytalk#trigger warnings:#trauma#emotional neglect#depression#honestly it's pretty light on specifics though so hopefully ok#healing
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Alright, I'm back :D
So, I don't really remember what I wanted to ask you about the au, so I may do it later. But, so, I like your superhero au so much! I would consume lots of content of it, really, because when I'm telling you it is good, as in my opinion, it is really good and I would love to see how it goes and the future with Scott and Jimmy living together!
Oh, and btw, remember I said I already send an ask to you before? I don't know if you remember it, but it was about your Kid Xornoth au! I think it had around 13 chapters and I found you by that fanfic, I came to tumblr after seeing the notes and send you an ask. I told you that I was gonna still read it I think, no matter how long it takes, and guess what? Months after I still do and I am still here, checking on the fanfic and reading it. Now, I am not only gonna do that with the Kid Xornoth au, but the Superhero au, since it is on my mental check list of checking every once in awhile to see if it has been updated. It is not very present right now, but soon it will be.
Oh! And just a question and some things that I think would be interesting, just to know if you're ever gonna write in the future? Pacifica (sorry if I said the wrong name, I am not trusting my brain 100% on this one) discovering Scott's Identity because that would be interesting to read. But to be honest, I just think their whole dynamic in this is really, really interesting. Just, maybe like, if you think more about it, they're best friends and then this best friend is just a super villain who may do these things but at the same time... yeah.
And another one I think, would be just life with Scott and Jimmi living together after, there is lots of things interesting in it because there is so many points to point out, like I've seen in the tag with you saying, him and his morality.
And oh, I remembered some questions! :)
Does Lizzie get to know about Scott or see or meet him? And if so, I wonder how maybe she would react to knowing Smajor and Scott are the same person. It is also interesting because Scott is practically in their life now, so Scott and Lizzie meeting whithout the secret identities, if they do ender knowing each other whithout tem, would be. Scott is practically more exposed to others whithout his mask too. And it ends up possibly exposing his life more too. We also can't forget Joel, he is part of all of that too, right? (Scott's reaction to Lizzie would also be interesting, I think)
And then another point I found wich could be really interesting is: Scott's management with anger. You said he deals with emotions more by the side of anger, different of Jimmy who does it by sadness (which I think seeing they show emotions like that is also an interesting thing. Living with someone is very different, and you get to know, see and understand them better. Plus, if they ever end up sharing a bed, I wanna see Jimmy's or Scott experience. Just because Scott has a wing and all of that, so imagine, imagine what it could be if you wanted it to). And then if I record, you also said that he would get angry and maybe go destroy a building? So like, imagine that is the way he would do and go with, it is practically a coping mechanism. So what does he do now after all of that, since he isn't getting out, I suppose? And is living with Jimmy, yeah? I just wonder how he cope or do now. (If you want to have a look into my mind, a sneak peak, if you will, looking through a gap, the things that go in there, it came with the incredible solution of Scott building something like a house, a city or anything like that and proceeding to destroy it. Maybe it is made of ice, my mind came up with Lego, and then he just destroys it and Jimmy sees it, just this feral man beating up cities made of lego) (if it ends up being too cute he can't destroy it. Tbh that's a pretty good way of putting Scott liking to build, but that could also be with ice before. Congratulations, brain!)
Another thing my brain came up with one day, I do not remember much, but is Scott management with ice. Is it good? And just imagine one day he getting overwhelmed and ended up freezing or almost freezing something, like maybe a pillow. He is in there, maybe sleeping, laying, maybe having a nightmare, not doing well, who know, and then boom there it is, at least a little bit coat of ice. Tho I wonder if the ice would work as if like consuming, for example, a pot plant, or just letting ice go around. Maybe the ice just goes getting worse until it is all consumed.
(Other thing, the fights. Like, just the topic of their fights before, practically how Jimmy got hurt in it, too. Scott has hurt him to the point of scars, right? Oh well. Plus, I wonder how Jimmy gets seeing the ice, if he has some trauma. It can also connect to the idea on top at some point, or maybe even just seeing the ice looking kinda threatening, like it looked before. Wonder if he had bad experiences with it too?)
Now to a more fluffy thing, just Jimmy seeing Scott and processing that, yes, this is the boy he liked, and then there was him trying to talk with him in the café, and he is also that Supervillain. (I find it funny how he said Scott is beautiful and how he could see how people would find Smajor pretty)
Plus, did Jimmy ever get to know that Scott knew his identity at some point? And I imagine Jimmy getting visual confirmation of Smajor being Scott. I think the wings..?
And now a last question, do you have any plans for Gem? Just curious if she has anything in this au and etc
Now, this is too long, I think. I got a lot inside of my head, and one thing about me is that I normally come with lots of ideas that just results in more, and I just put them all in here. I probably should maybe then like, not send it on anon, but I don't think I'm gonna do it so I'm gonna come up with a name, at least for now :)
-Moon anon
(Hope it's not taken)
Aww thank you!!!
Moon anon is NOT taken, so welcome!!
I've talked about Pacifica and Scott more in depth here, but long story short she does in fact know his identity, and has for a while! She considered abandoning him, but she's too much of a bleeding heart for that and cares about her friends too much to let him go. I might end up writing a couple pieces more focused on her in the future, such as her scar story (talked about here) and her and Scott's friendship, but that will come after the main story is complete.
I'm glad you like her so much haha. I was hesitant to include her in this AU since the whole OC in "canon" thing, but the feedback has been really positive, which I'm glad for!
I do intend to make a one shot book filled with small scenes from Jimmy and Scott's domestic life together including the first official date, the first wing preen (which I also talked about) and so on. However, that will once again most likely be after the main story is finished. I've got a lot of material to work with haha.
Scott can hide his wings, so he can be big spoon OR little spoon. Jimmy likes being little spoon though because he likes being surrounded by Scott's feathers. They're like a blanket.
Jimmy does introduce Scott to Lizzie. Scott is... incredibly intimidated by her outside of costume because it's no longer an even playing field. Because even without powers she could kick his ass. They hide Scott's identity from her while they're trying to figure out whether Scott is going to continue on with being a super, since being a villain isn't really an option he's willing to consider anymore. But she finds out when Scott shows up as the Elven king for the first time. At that point, she's pretty quick to accept it on the grounds that it makes Jimmy happy.
Yeah, Scott has a tendency of pushing down his emotions to the point where they explode... typically in a very destructive way. Jimmy and Lizzie go away for one weekend to meet up with a hero organization in another city and come back to find the front page news story of Scott blowing up an abandoned warehouse with the help of Faerie.
"WHAT? IT WAS ABANDONED!"
They do have to work on that emotional repression problem, as well as finding healthier outlets for Scott. I like your idea, I think he would enjoy creating things. After spending so long with Xornoth, who encouraged destruction and chaos, being able to just make something new without the fear of having to destroy it would be so healing for his inner child.
He usually has pretty good control over his powers, however, as with most abilities, it is HEAVILY linked to his emotions. So yes, when he gets overwhelmed, or when he has a nightmare, he will sometimes freeze the bedsheets, frost the windows, or make it snow in the room. It's not just negative emotions though. Sometimes, when Jimmy does something to make him particular flustered, he'll freeze whatever he's holding, or ice will start leaking out from his feet like Sapphire from Steven Universe.
Jimmy has more trauma linked to fire than ice, but there are moments that make him flinch ever so slightly. This is usually rectified with a liberal application of cuddles and affection, though, so they're both okay.
Oh yeah. There's just kind of a moment where it hits him that both of his crushes are the same person, and he gets INCREDIBLY flustered. He will learn that Scott knew his identity once the two of them move in, because Scott will ask if he really didn't know who he was.
Jimmy figures it out because... well, without giving too much away, Scott goes missing at the same time Smajor does, and Pacifica completely flips out, confronting Jimmy and demanding to know if he did something to Scott. It is the one and ONLY time she has ever behaved so aggressively and confidently towards someone. Even Scott has never heard her raise her voice before, but when he goes missing... all hell breaks loose.
And I have talked about Gem's part in the superhero role before. I don't know if I'll ever write it out though. Maybe after I'm done with the flower husbands portion of it?
Like I said, there's a lot of material to work with here.
Don't worry! My brain is also kind of all over the place. But I will take any excuse to talk about my AUs, so if anything, you did me a favor with all of your thoughts!!
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