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divinegulab · 3 years

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falling on your knees

written: @rosesau | wc: 5900 | genre: realistic fiction | cw: brief depictions of islamophobia

summary: a girl who is both a reverie and a nightmare—both are, after all, dreams.

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Zahra Jamal had a complicated relationship with mornings. She was not a morning person, but she woke up every morning before the sun broke through the horizon. Every morning, she blearily walked out of her shared room with Jeny and washed up in the bathroom. Every morning, she rolled out the prayer mat her cousin had gotten for her from his time in Iran. Every morning, before the sun woke up, she prayed by the window in the sitting area. Every morning, after she prayed, Theo walked in from the kitchen holding two steaming mugs and the pair watched as vibrant colors streaked the sky. In those moments, the bleariness was gone and Zahra marvelled at the wonder that was the universe, that was her world. The miracles she was witness to every day. The monotony and comfort of them. Darkness giving way to light and color. It was everything.

And then, every morning, she curled up on the couch next to Theo and fell asleep because she really was not a morning person.

When she woke again, it was to her friends milling about the suite. Theo was usually gone to class by that time and Connor was still asleep in their room. Riley surveyed the arrays of succulents on the windowsills. She was trying to be one with nature and Zahra admired her for it—from afar. She wasn't trying to be one with anything; she was just glad for the bit of greenery. She and Shannon had breakfast together, but usually they all did that in turns. Their classes didn’t match perfectly and most of them skipped the morning meal, but Zahra couldn’t. It was a habit ingrained in her from the wee days. Jeny ambled into the kitchen when Zahra was on her way out the door. Friday mornings it was just Zahra and Connor left in their rooms because their only classes were later in the day. It was a practiced routine.

Today was Friday. Zahra was reading a book for class when there was a knock on her door and she pulled the drawstrings on her hoodie.

“What do you want?” she asked Connor when he walked in.

“I’m bored,” he said. He did that often. She’d tell him to go out and he’d say no one was around. She’d tell him to get some work done and he’d say he thinks better at night. She’d tell him to take a nap and he’d say he just woke up. She’d tell him to watch Netflix and he’d say he just finished a show.

“You can get me something to eat,” Zahra said.

Connor considered her for a moment. He stood in the doorway wearing Christmas-colored plaid bottoms and the most hideous pink shirt dotted with oranges and mulled over her words. Then he said, “Okay,” and turned away.

Connor was a good one. Zahra got along with all of her roommates swimmingly, especially the girls, and Connor wasn’t far behind. They had some of the same classes so they occasionally studied together and Connor was an excellent partner. When the others were in class or busy with club meetings that they weren’t a part of, the two of them knew how to entertain each other. Connor was full of questions and Zahra had an answer for almost everything.

The first time they really bonded, she had just taken a shower and was drying her hair when Connor walked through the open door. They’d both yelped, Zahra grabbing the closest thing she could to cover her hair and Connor scurrying out of the room with the word sorry dripping off his tongue.

“Dude, you can’t just barge in here like this, oh my God,” she had fussed, twisting the towel around her head as she walked out into the hall. “I thought I’d be alone. What are you doing here?”

“The meeting ran short, I’m sorry,” he’d said. He’d looked so small despite being a foot taller than her, his face crestfallen with guilt. “The door was open so I thought it was fine. I’m sorry. God, I’m so sorry. Can I do anything?”

Zahra had narrowed her eyes, testing just how far this man’s guilt would go. “How much did you see?”

Both of Connor’s hands had gone up in surrender. “I swear, it was only for, like, a second. Barely. Like barely a second—if that. And it won’t happen again, I promise.”

She had known he had meant every word and it had been kind of funny. She didn’t go out without her hijab now, but she also hadn’t been wearing it for too long. She wasn’t a stranger to men seeing her hair and Connor’s genuine shame had been just a little bit funny. She’d wanted to milk it a bit, but his face had twisted in pained remorse so she’d waved him away.

“Just knock next time you need something,” she’d said. Then: “what did you need?”

That had brightened him up. “I got ice cream. Want some?”

As they ate, he’d fired question after question at Zahra about her hijab.

Now he returned with a bowl of mac and cheese for her and a bottle of beer for himself. Zahra didn’t like eating in bed, so they went to sit out on the couch and Connor put on season two of Hannibal. He wasn’t one to binge shows and it drove Zahra out of her mind to watch only a few episodes at a time. But it was something they did together so she swallowed her petty annoyance and kept up with their back and forth about Will and Hannibal. All she wanted was to see the upper level of Will’s house, but episode after episode it was never shown. It was maddening.

They were halfway through their third episode of the day when Mara and Shannon walked in.

“Y’all ever do anything except eat without us?” Shannon asked.

“Keep drinking so much, Connor, and your liver will get jaundice,” Mara said.

He didn’t drink that much. Mara was just an antagonist at heart.

Connor laughed and threw one of the couch cushions at Mara. She caught it and came to sit next to him.

The other trickled in one by one. Even though Theo was the first one out the door, he was the last to return. And when he did, he looked exhausted. Far too tired for someone to be on a Friday.

“I spoke to Deborah,” he said. Deborah was the on-campus psychiatrist he saw. “I, um… I think I’m getting a service dog soon.”

There was a chorus of Oh my God around the room. Theo groaned and curled so far back into the couch Zahra was sure he was trying to disappear.

“It’ll help,” Connor said. “A friend of mine had a service animal in high school after, um, her grandma died. She was pretty shaken up about it and it helped her.”

“I’m allergic to dogs,” Theo said. “And I’m not depressed.”

Mara cut in with, “No, you’re just an insufferable insomniac suffering from debilitating anxiety. Not a big deal.”

Two of those three things were true. Theo was an insomniac, he suffered from debilitating anxiety, but he wasn’t insufferable. That was why he was awake every morning when Zahra got up to pray. That was why he made her tea and drank his coffee with her afterwards. He was the opposite of insufferable.

“Don’t listen to her,” Zahra said.

At the same time, Jeny said, “You should look into medication.”

Theo rubbed his temples. “I think I’m going to look into sleep. Good night.”

Everyone knew he wouldn’t be sleeping, but they didn’t argue. Riley draped herself over Theo and he made a sound that could only be contentment. Riley would definitely be asleep in no time having Theo as her human cushion. And that was that. None of them planned on going home that weekend, so they went out to dinner together and then spent hours at a bowling alley.

On the drive back, Zahra felt exhilarated.

She sat passenger side in Connor’s jeep. It was usually Riley’s spot because she was a spoiled brat, but tonight she drove in Skylar’s car. Connor hadn’t put the top back on the jeep yet and the crisp Boston nipped at Zahra’s face. Six months ago, her hair would’ve been out of control. It nearly reached her hips and would’ve been everywhere if she had been in this jeep six months ago. Now, her hijab kept it in place and the cool wind hit her skin with no obstacles. Without thinking, Zahra undid her seatbelt and grabbed the door handle. She saw Connor glance at her in her periphery, but she ignored it. She held onto the handle and stood up, her knees trembling slightly as the wind knocked into her chest. She tightened her grip around the handle and, when Connor braked at a red light, she let out a breath.

Connor said her name and Zahra heard the question in it. She looked at him and grinned. “I’m fine,” she said.

A warm shiver dripped down her spine.

In the back, Theo and Shannon stood up. They laughed when the jeep moved again and Connor turned up the music. They drove through the night, laughter spilling out of them, and Zahra thought, I love them. She felt invincible next to Connor as they chased the night together and she knew she loved these people with a fire inside her. They made her feel like a part of something bigger than her, something that was so miraculous she wondered if it had always been fated. She believed it, too.

Miracles existed all around and three were in the vehicle with her.

☾☽

Zahra’s birthday fell on Christmas Eve. Her family didn’t celebrate the holiday, but she enjoyed the cultural aspect even if it was a result of her growing up in the States. Gift giving was, after all, highly encouraged in Islam to grow love and affection for one another. Zahra was fond of gifts and she perhaps liked receiving them more than she liked giving them. She wasn’t fond of giving something that wasn’t absolutely perfect, but she melted if someone so much as gave her a fraying bookmark and said it made them think of her.

The day before they all went back home for the holidays, Connor beckoned her to his room. A rare occurrence, as he usually brought his shenanigans to her room, but she followed anyway. His and Theo’s room was a dichotomy of their two most prominent personality traits: perfectionism meet anxiety.

Connor’s side was almost like something out of a college brochure. His desk was immaculately organized: laptop centered, two notebooks to the right and iPad in its stand to the left, and a bright red pen holder tucked in the corner. There was a file sorter hung on the wall next to his desk and it contained a small calendar, a pocket sized notepad, and a book Zahra didn’t recognize. Over his desk hung a cork board with pictures and stubs tacked into it. There were fairy lights making a delicate pattern along the wall next to his bed.

Theo’s side of the room was nothing short of a travesty. Connor sometimes caved in and sorted it out, but Theo himself didn’t care much about it. He just needed a clean bed to sleep in sometimes, he said. There were no fairy lights or pristine stationery holders for him. He did have food, though. There was always a coffee mug and a bowl of candy on his desk. He was always nibbling on something and didn’t mind when one of them snuck in to grab a handful of sweets. Zahra loved him for it.

Today Theo wasn’t in the room. He’d be coming back soon from his exam, but right now Connor had it to himself. He shut the door behind Zahra and she couldn’t help the lift of her eyebrows when he opened his closet.

“Um.” A small nervous giggle bubbled out of her. “What are you doing?”

Connor pulled out a golden gift bag. He came to sit beside her on the bed and put the bag between them.

“I thought we’re doing presents tonight with everyone else,” she said.

Connor gnawed at the corner of his mouth. He pushed the bag closer to her and Zahra didn’t miss the slight tremble to his hand. It was barely there, but she saw it.

“It’s not your Christmas gift,” Connor said and then he smiled. “Happy early birthday.”

Zahra was floored. She hadn’t talked about her birthday in a while and she hadn’t been expecting anyone to remember it. Actually, she hadn’t talked to her roommates about it at all.

“How did you know?” she asked.

Connor shrugged, but it was obvious he was nervous about something—like he’d crossed a line he didn’t know was drawn. “You left your license and stuff on the table a while ago. I just wrote it down.”

That was… Zahra got off the bed and took the few steps towards the desk where his calendar was. There, in the December 24th square, written in Connor’s neat scrawl were the words: Z’s birthday. There was a smiley face too.

“Connor…”

“Open it,” he said. He was fiddling with his hands, thumb rubbing over the triangle tattooed on his ring finger. “I, um. I didn’t know if, like, it’s okay for me to do it. I talked to my sister about it and she asked her friends and they said it’s fine.”

Zahra hopped on the bed again, crossing her legs and pulling out the white and black tissue paper from the bag. She didn’t know if Connor did all the packing and wrapping himself and she didn’t ask, but it was done flawlessly. She wouldn't be surprised if he had done it. Inside the bag was a rectangular box. When Zahra ripped off the festive wrapping paper and opened the box, she was confused. She lifted folded fabric out of the box only to find more of it inside.

It only took a few seconds and then she understood.

“Oh.”

Connor had gotten her hijabs for her birthday. He’d gotten her a pashmina and expensive hijabs. She could tell they weren’t cheap just by the look of them.

“Connor, you didn’t have to do this,” she said. She sounded on the verge of tears and felt it too.

“I know,” he said. When she looked up at him, Connor was already looking at her with a smile tucked in the corner of his mouth. “I felt really bad about that day, though. And I didn’t know if I should give this with the Christmas stuff in front of everyone, so I just. You know.” He took the rest of them out of the box and lined them neatly on the bed. “You like them?”

“Yes,” she laughed. Three of the hijabs were in neutral tones, two with floral prints, and one striped pashmina. “How did you—?” She didn’t even know how to form a complete sentence.

“My mom and sister helped. I told them what happened and my sister has friends who know about this stuff, so they told me where I could get good ones. Mom and Sam picked them out. Oh!” He grabbed for the bag and pulled out a much smaller box. Inside was a flash of gold and copper before Connor put the contents of the box on the bed. “Sam said these are nice.”

They were hijab magnets. Zahra didn’t use them because they were more pricey than her pins and she had to bite down on her lip to keep from actually crying. When Connor walked in on her drying her hair all those weeks ago, she hadn’t expected this to be the result of it. Her mother had been worried when Zahra told her she was going to wear a hijab now. It was a commitment and it wasn’t harmless and her mom had every reason to be worried, despite Zahra’s assurances. But despite her own assurances to her mother, even Zahra was nervous at times when she stepped outside in a hijab. One wrong encounter with one wrong person would be all it took for her life to go off the rails and she knew it.

Tears blurred her vision when she looked up at Connor and she saw his smile waver. She threw her arms around his shoulders in an awkward hug over the box and the bag and, with her heart in her throat, whispered, “Thank you. So much.”

She felt that warmth inside her, an all-encompassing affection for her friends. She hadn’t expected to bond with Connor like this when they all first moved in together. She hadn’t known him before all this and now, with his arms around her, she couldn’t imagine it any other way.

☾☽

Zahra’s mother worried about her. It was only natural, she said. Of course she would worry about her daughter. But Khalida Jamal worried about her daughter in ways she hadn’t before Zahra went off to college. I don’t see you every day, her mother said. Your father feels your absence, she said. I miss you, jaani, she said. Are you taking care of yourself, she said. Do you need me to bring you food, she said. I will send you biryani with Cookie, she said. She tiptoed around the thing she wanted to say. Zahra knew what her mother wanted to say was, Is anyone giving you any trouble? Do you feel safe?

That wasn’t something they’d always discussed. Before she started wearing a hijab, there was nothing distinctive about Zahra that screamed Muslim. Now it was the first thing people noticed about her. She knew how to stand her ground, but the underlying fear was always there—especially for Khalida. For Muslims, even places like Boston, Massachusetts could sometimes be deadly at worst and humiliating at best.

It happened during the second semester of Zahra’s freshman year.

She was in the dining hall with Jeny, Theo, and Connor. Zahra didn’t usually eat the meals provided by school because they weren’t always halal. There were only so many vegetarian options that a girl could handle. Sometimes she just wanted chicken on her pizza, but she liked joining her friends anyway. They’d put their things down at a table first and then get in line. This Wednesday afternoon, Zahra helped herself to a plate of fruit and a smoothie. She’d had a good breakfast, but two back to back classes were enough to drain the life out of her. Connor’s tray held a sad excuse for a poke bowl and Theo had gotten himself a salad. Jeny, bless her, had picked mashed potatoes and pizza.

They were almost back to their seats when they saw the boy put down Zahra’s hydro flask and screw the top of his silver flask back into place. Her blood instantly chilled, footsteps halting mid-stride. She knew what he’d done. Nausea crawled up her stomach and settled in her chest, sweat collecting on her palms. Shame and anger warred in her throat and she blinked back frustrated tears. Jeny turned back to look at with knitted brows and Connor’s eyes looked her up and down before scanning the room.

“What’s wrong?” Theo asked.

Zahra couldn’t speak. Her mouth was dry and her breaths came in shallow gasps as the boy sat back in his chair, raised his head and found her eyes.

Connor touched her elbow.

Jeny moved and blocked her line of sight. “What is it?”

Take up space, her father had told her countless times. Be loud. Be a nightmare. Make yourself heard.

Zahra didn’t look away from the boy when she said, “He poured in alcohol in my water.”

“Motherfucker—”

Zahra didn’t wait for Connor to finish. She walked to their table and put her tray down without breaking eye contact with the boy. He had tawny eyes and orange hair and there was a brown stain on his red Boston University shirt. He leaned back in his chair and stared up at Zahra with a smirk pooling at his mouth. She didn’t know the boy, but she knew his body language. She was intimately familiar with people like him. His two friends watched with rapt attention.

Be a nightmare, her father’s voice reminded her.

“You shouldn’t have done that,” she said.

He feigned confusion. “Done what, babe?”

Something vicious coiled inside her at the taunt curled around the endearment. The temptation to send his teeth flying out of his mouth was overwhelming but Zahra bared her own at him. “Hey y’all,” she said, voice loud without yelling. The people closest to them turned at her voice. “This motherfucker just poured alcohol in my hydro flask.” The cocky smirk wavered. “He poured in alcohol in a hijabi Muslim’s hydro flask.” She knew people were listening and she knew this nameless piece of shit was scrambling to redeem himself.

“I didn’t do that,” he said, his words unconvincing. “Why would I do that?”

“Put the flask on the table, honey.”

She hoped her voice was saccharine. She hoped it attracted hornets. The silver flask had disappeared in his pocket or elsewhere under the table. It didn’t really matter. Zahra showed him her teeth again.

“Did you know that Philip from the registrar is best friends with my dad? Did you know I have sleepovers with his daughter?”

Blood drained from the boy’s face.

Be a nightmare.

“Did you know my aunt is a lawyer? I can have her drag your ass to court so many times you’ll forget the inside of your own home.”

The boy’s mouth opened, but no sound came out.

Zahra smiled. She grabbed the hydro flask in one hand and slung her bag over a shoulder. “If you’ll excuse me, I believe this is evidence. I’m going to take this up to Phil and get your miserable, bigoted ass thrown out of this place. But first—” With her free hand, she took out her phone and took a picture of the three boys.

“Hey, I didn’t consent to that,” the sandy haired one spoke up when he realized what she’d done.

Zahra shrugged. “And I didn’t consent to having alcohol poured in my drink, but I guess we all have problems. Eat shit, colonizer.”

She didn’t wait for them to respond. She picked up the tray and turned to her friends, who were all looking at her with expressions that ranged from confusion to amazement to unrestrained anger. There was a storm brewing in Connor’s eyes and Theo had one hand wrapped around Jeny’s arm. He was holding her back, Zahra realized.

“I’ll catch up with y’all later? I need to go and tell Phil about this.”

Theo nodded, but it was Connor who answered. “I’m coming with you.”

“I’m fine,” Zahra assured him. She didn't know if she’d be fine later, but that wasn’t for now. “Eat your lunch.”

“I’m not hungry,” Connor said.

One thing Zahra’s parents had taught her was not to turn away people who loved her. She knew she was lucky to have found her friends at this place, that they cared about her so deeply and selflessly. She knew most people wouldn’t offer what Connor was offering, so she nodded. When they turned to leave, Zahra realized the other boys were already gone. Cowards.

As they walked towards the registrar’s office, Connor nudged her shoulder. “You wanna talk about it?”

Zahra shook her head and dangled the hydro flask in front of them. “Just thinking that I’d probably burn this thing afterwards if it wasn't a gift from my brother.”

“I’m sure your brother would understand.”

“Hmm, I’m not so sure he’d be very understanding. He’d probably try to choke the guy out.”

Connor laughed, but it was a short thing. “Can you blame him? I nearly lost it back there too.”

Zahra hooked her elbow through his and leaned her head against his arm. “Thanks, you know. For all of it.”

The sun hung high in a clear blue sky and patches of forgotten snow littered the campus.

“Anything for you, m’lady,” Connor said in a voice an octave lower and they both laughed.

That was the moment Zahra realized with a surge of warmth in her chest that the doe-eyed boy steadying her, walking in sync with her, was her best friend.

☾☽

Zahra didn’t see it coming when Theo said to her, “You know he likes you, right?”

The he in question was Connor, who had just offered to go down to the first floor and get Zahra a drink.

The three of them were tucked away in a far corner of the library in an attempt to get some studying done. Zahra and Connor could help each other because they had the same professor, but Theo was on his own. They’d been there a while and a few minutes ago Zahra had mentioned craving a Pink Drink, a mindless complaint tumbling from her tongue as her eyes glossed over theoretical jargon. But she didn’t want to go downstairs just for a drink. She’d whined again and Connor had laid his textbook flat on the table.

“I’ll grab you one,” he’d said.

Zahra felt confusion knit into her features as she looked up at Theo. “Yeah, I’d hope so. We’re friends.”

Of course Connor liked her. It would’ve been awkward if he for some reason didn’t like her and she didn’t know about it.

Theo tilted his head to one side. His eyebrows raised in a Seriously? gesture behind heavy glasses. “No, you helpless, oblivious saint of a girl. He likes you.”

And it took more than a moment for that to process. Zahra liked to think she was an observant person. She knew there was something going on between Mara and Skylar, though she hadn’t yet mentioned it to anyone else. It was the way Mara laughed at Skylar’s jokes before anyone else and the way Skylar went out of her way to do things for Mara. They disappeared off to places together without the rest of them and no one said anything about it. They came back and meshed with the group without a hitch, but Zahra had a feeling. They were always in a bubble that no one else was allowed in. They had eyes only for each other.

Zahra and Connor were not in a bubble. They were friends, just like Zahra and Theo.

There was a tap on Zahra’s left shoulder and then Connor slipped into his chair on her right, placing her drink on the table.

Warmth spread across her chest, followed by something unfamiliar, something she didn’t welcome as memories of the past few months played in front of her: Connor ordering food for the group and taking special care to get something halal every time; Connor spending a ridiculous amount of money on hijabs to apologize for something Zahra wasn’t even angry about; Connor admitting he talked to his mom and sister about it; Connor staying up late to watch Netflix with her when the rest of their friends were asleep; Connor driving her around in his Jeep and letting her pick the music; Connor fighting back a storm of emotions when someone poured alcohol in her hydro flask; Connor choosing her to be his partner when they played doubles; Connor always having her back no matter what; Connor turning down the pretty girl who flirted with him all night last month.

Zahra and Connor were in a bubble. Connor had eyes only for her.

Connor’s knee nudged hers and when she realized she’d been staring at him. “What?” he asked.

Zahra blinked. Her mouth was dry. “Nothing.” She grabbed for the drink and said, “Thanks.” And then, when Connor turned back to his book: “I can pay you back for it.”

This time Connor looked at her with openly amused confusion. “Yes, Zahra, please, pay me back the five dollars I just spent,” he chuckled.

She knew she sounded odd offering to reimburse him for the measly five-something dollars, given that they all knew Connor was pretty well off. Out of all of them, he was the rich one—that’s why he sometimes paid for takeout instead of them all splitting it. He had the means to treat his friends and he didn’t shy away from it.

Theo kicked her foot under the table and she flashed him a look that she hoped said, Shut it.

The week following that evening was unsteady. Zahra was thrown off-kilter with the newfound knowledge of Connor’s feelings for her. He didn’t do anything differently. He still walked with her to class and they still watched The Silence of the Lambs together. He still went on a tirade about the parallels between Will Graham and Clarice Starling. He still texted her odd, out of context things he’d heard in a class or elsewhere on campus.

He was still the same Connor. But he also wasn’t.

Now that she knew how he felt about her, at least to some extent, she couldn’t not be aware of the special attention he gave her. Whenever he was with her, he always scoured the area around them. When Zahra asked him about it, he said he never wanted anything like the dining hall incident happening again. When all of them watched Point Break together, Connor sat on the plush rug with his back against the couch. He said it was comfortable and halfway through the movie his head was leaning against Zahra’s folded knees. Because she was still Zahra and he was still Connor, her hand slipped into his hair, fingers lost in his curls. He fell asleep that way and no one said anything about it. Riley kicked him awake when the movie ended.

It was two weeks later when Zahra heard the words from Connor himself. She’d woken up in the middle of the night after an unsettling dream and stepped out of her room, freezing at the sound of Connor saying her name. She didn’t mean to eavesdrop, but she wanted to know why someone was talking about her at this time. The other person speaking was Theo, which wasn’t surprising. What was surprising was Connor awake and talking in the dead of the night.

“I don’t think we’ll ever be like that,” Connor was saying, his voice hushed and rushed. “The two of them—well, mostly Mara— they’re more intense than Zahra is. They get each other, I think, and she gets me, but I don’t think we’ll ever be more.”

“Why not?” Theo asked. Zahra could picture him curled up on one end of the couch, hugging a cushion to his chest. He was probably still wearing his glasses. “Have you said anything to her?”

“No. But I know her. She doesn’t see me like that.” Connor let out a quiet chuckle. “I’ve been friendzoned from day one, man. And, you know, naturally, I’ve also been a fool for her since day one. Just my luck.”

Zahra slid down against the wall, holding her knees close to her chest. The floor was cool under her bare feet and the wall was no warmer. Connor sounded different than he normally did. There was a somber edge to his voice, like a summer night suddenly going starless. The cheer she’d always come to expect from him wasn’t there.

She didn’t want their relationship to change. She didn’t think she could live through losing a friend like Connor. She thought back to all the times he’d been the best friend she could ask for and she dreaded the thought of that slipping away.

Zahra didn’t know if she’d zoned out and missed part of the conversation or if the boys had just stopped talking. After a block of silence she heard Theo say, “Maybe it’ll pass. You’ll get over it.”

Connor's hollow chuckle followed. “Maybe. But I don’t think she’s something you get over it.”

And that chipped at Zahra’s heart. She didn’t want to be the reason Connor was hurting, but she didn’t know how to fix it. She pressed her forehead to the tops of her knees and closed her eyes, trying to think of just what she could say to him. There wasn’t anything she could offer him that would make him feel better. She loved him, but love only went so far. She couldn’t be what he needed.

Muffled footsteps moved down the hall towards her and Zahra looked up just in time to see Connor sit down next to her.

“Were you sleepwalking?” he asked. There was laughter in his voice, maybe because he really did think she’d been sleepwalking. She didn’t do that, though.

“I had a weird dream,” she told him. He was mirroring Zahra: legs folded up to his chest, arms around his knees, cheek atop his kneecaps to face her. She didn’t know why it made her want to cry. Guilt pooled in her stomach and she said, “I heard you guys talking. I’m sorry.”

Connor’s face was awash in the dim light that filtered in from the end of the hall. His disheveled hair stuck up in odd places and Zahra watched as the smile fell from his face. A shadow flitted across his features before his mouth slanted in the least Connor-like grimace. “Are you freaked out? It’s not weird, right? I don’t wanna make it weird.”

Zahra wasn’t freaked out, but she did feel inexplicably guilty. “Why me?” she asked.

A crease appeared between Connor’s eyebrows. “Have you seen you?”

That cracked the tension in the air. A laugh zipped out of Zahra and she made a show of flipping her hair back, even though it was all under her scarf. “I know I’m hot, duh. That’s not what I meant.”

Connor rolled his eyes and got to his feet, then held his hand out to her. She took it, letting him pull her up. “You’re one of the best people I know, that’s why,” Connor said. “And you’re my best friend. I think it was inevitable.”

Whatever Zahra might have said slipped away from her. She thought that word a lot. Inevitable. That was often how she thought of her friends—something inevitable, something fated. Somehow written into the fabric of each other’s lives. She wound her arms around Connor’s waist and said, “You’re my best friend.”

“As I should be.” He patted the back of her head twice and stepped back. “We can talk more about this later. Or not. You should get some sleep.”

“You should get some sleep.”

Connor left her with a smile hanging from his mouth and Zahra grabbed a pouch of Capri Sun on her way to the couch. Sure enough, Theo was still there. He had his headphones on and laptop in his lap. When Zahra sat next to him, he didn’t ask about Connor. Instead, he disconnected his earbuds and turned up the volume just enough so they could both hear without disturbing anyone else. They watched acrylic pour videos until Zahra fell asleep to the sound of soothing music, her friend a familiar and comforting warmth next to her.

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