i like. don't even miss dating necessarily—or i mean, i don't know, maybe i would if i had any relationships to look back on that hadn't in retrospect been toxic in some way, lol; i do miss sex! or at least, i miss the delight and playfulness and pleasure it used to bring me, back when i had it and was open to it. but the idea of making myself that vulnerable, even in passing, and not just feeling totally humiliated afterwards is—unimaginable now: on the far side of that same unbreakable soundproof glass that hangs immovably between me and any normal human functioning not numbed or crushed into frozen smallness…
but i do miss feeling—i don't know, worth dating? worthy of dating? as though i were someone anyone might look at and think were attractive or fascinating or delightful. and ultimately really it's about how i feel about myself, and not about anyone else at all—someone could tell me i was all those things to them tomorrow, and i almost certainly wouldn't believe them—but it's also about being cut off from the world, disqualified to participate, a zoo animal staring forlornly out from an inadequate enclosure that no one comes to visit...
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