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#tam lin seeking janet (gender indeterminate).
aeide-thea · 2 years
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i like. don't even miss dating necessarily—or i mean, i don't know, maybe i would if i had any relationships to look back on that hadn't in retrospect been toxic in some way, lol; i do miss sex! or at least, i miss the delight and playfulness and pleasure it used to bring me, back when i had it and was open to it. but the idea of making myself that vulnerable, even in passing, and not just feeling totally humiliated afterwards is—unimaginable now: on the far side of that same unbreakable soundproof glass that hangs immovably between me and any normal human functioning not numbed or crushed into frozen smallness…
but i do miss feeling—i don't know, worth dating? worthy of dating? as though i were someone anyone might look at and think were attractive or fascinating or delightful. and ultimately really it's about how i feel about myself, and not about anyone else at all—someone could tell me i was all those things to them tomorrow, and i almost certainly wouldn't believe them—but it's also about being cut off from the world, disqualified to participate, a zoo animal staring forlornly out from an inadequate enclosure that no one comes to visit...
#made the extremely dumb mistake of letting an email from instagram remind me that it existed‚ is the context here#and had some dumb bad feelings about like. people i liked and ran away from and lost who are now paired up#and like. it's not even jealousy—i'm glad they have good things! i just—i wish i did too.#and it's hard to watch myself just. continue to sabotage even tiny shoots of things that could be things over and over and over again#and know that this is where it gets me! and yet that doesn't get me to stop!#god i think i'm just like. so lonely i don't even know what to do with people anymore#need someone to like. take my little face in their hands and decide they're gonna love me back into humanity again tbh.#tam lin seeking janet (gender indeterminate).#just like. lie on me full length like a weighted blanket until i stop trying to run away and scratch my skin off.#like literally i talk to people for a bit and then it's abruptly like oh i'm absolutely entirely out of spoons for this gotta run away#but you don't build relationships by constantly running away! that's in fact the exact opposite of how you build anything!#anyway imagine if any of this self-awareness helped me even a little bit.#imagine if i weren't too haggard 2 be cute anymore.#(lots of ppl are extremely haggard AND extremely cute so don't think i'm saying those things are inherently mutually exclusive)#(they just seem 2 be for me personally)#anyway. ugh. where's that post that's all 'don't trust any feelings you have abt yr life after 9 PM' or whatever the cutoff is#am definitely WELL past my personal 9 PM#i mean i think i'm past my personal 9 PM by the time i wake up really but shh#anyway. sadbadlonelysadsadSAD. you get the drift#feelingsblogging#maybe haircut soon. maybe that would help
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