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#tampon cullen
princessofharte · 9 days
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If the Cullens weren't Mormon, then they could've been vegan in a smart way: going to brothels and saying they had a blood kink so they could eat out someone on their period. Honestly it's more ethical than "we kill animals because that's how we're vegan vampires" and it would be healthier for them too since human blood is better than animal blood. They've got the money for it too. Cowards the lot of them.
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incorrectbatfam · 3 months
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The batfam as people I've encountered at the gym
Dick: the person who leaves their stuff all over the floor instead of putting them away
Jason: the guy who tries to compete with strangers
Tim: the kinda skinny guy who can bench more than you expect
Damian: the person who brings their own weights so they don't have to share with the public
Duke: the golden retriever of a guy who's welcoming of newcomers and gives good tips
Cullen: my friend who half-asses everything whenever I drag them there
Stephanie: the girl who puts her music on speaker with Spotify ads
Cassandra: the person with no phone, no headphones, just raw discipline and a face that looks like they're hunting you
Barbara: the part-time employee who's only working there for the free membership
Harper: the girl who brings her own combination lock because she's right not to trust the gym
Carrie: the kid who uses the equipment wrong and is gonna get hurt one day
Kate: the lady who boldly shouted "DOES ANYONE HAVE A TAMPON" for the entire locker room to hear
Helena: the person who is the reason 24-hour gyms exist
Luke: the guy who's using three towels by the end of the hour
Bette: the person who goes in before and after work
Alfred: the senior citizen built like a Dorito
Selina: the lady who hijacked a reserved studio with her Facebook mom yoga group
Bruce: the parent who tried to set me up with their son and when I told them I was a lesbian, tried to set me up with their daughter
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goldeneyedgirl · 3 months
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TwiFicmas23 Day 10: Hybrid AU
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Good evening! I had my first drink in a hot minute tonight and it has hit me like a battering ram, so we're doing this fast because I am definitely feeling the effects.
Tonight's is some old Hybrid; it'll be pretty obvious why this ended up being archived (and I honestly don't know if this counts as Hybrid or Hybrid baby-verse).
Thank you for reading and I hope you enjoy it!
tw: mention of miscarriage
After the Cullens left, I was kind of at a loss. I know they hoped Bella and I would stick together, but that didn’t happen. 
Simon and Dad were sympathetic and let me mope around the house a bit. But I was exhausted. I was sleeping sixteen hours a day when I had the opportunity and still felt like I had pulled an all-nighter. My schoolwork was fairly average but enough that no one called Dad. I managed to scrape enough energy together to help plan Cynthia’s fifteenth birthday party, and then Thanksgiving. 
It was Christmas Day when I figured out what was wrong with me. I was exhausted all the time, and eating ridiculous amounts of food but still looked like a prisoner of war. I got out of bed and went into the bathroom, getting on the scales to find out that I’d lost another two pounds. Simon would notice soon, and I had no idea what to tell him. 
And then I spied Cynthia’s box of tampons on the shelf, and I had to brace myself on the counter for a moment. My period was a rare and unwelcome visitor, and hardly a trustworthy indicator of anything but... it made sense.
//
“Oh, Alice, honey, this arrived for you a couple of days ago,” Simon said, plucking a small box from under the tree. It was still in its mailing box, with my name and address typed on the label but no return address or indication of who it was from.
Inside was a small black jewelry box, and for a second, I thought perhaps Jasper had sent me something. I hoped he’d sent me something.  Even just a letter would have fixed everything.
I ripped into it, and the contents spilled into my lap, and it took me a moment to understand what I was looking at. It was a silver sun charm on a black ribbon, with smaller stars dotted along the band, though one was missing. 
It had been my mother’s. I remembered her wearing it; she'd never taken it off. I could see the stain of blood on the ribbon, the frayed edge where the knife bit into her, and for a moment, the room swam.
“Who is it from?” Dad asked curiously. 
I put the necklace down with shaking hands, trying hard to act normal, and plucked the card up. It was black too, with a white crest – the shield, candle, and compass of the Benoits, the Latin motto running along the bottom – Ex Deus Veritas. Truth in God, coined by the Order. 
On the back of the card, the message was short. 
Our best wishes of the season to you and your family, Mary-Alice. 
Meaning: we know where you and your family are. 
//
The bag I packed was like so many others. Basic, warm clothing; my first aid kit, a new phone I had bought in Port Angeles, money. I had ordered a ton of gift cards over the internet, since they weren’t traceable. Nothing sentimental was meant to come with me, but in the end, I saved a photograph of Jasper and I to my new phone.
And then I left Forks. 
//
it sounds all fun and luxurious to say I ran off to Hawaii. 
The truth was, Mexico would have been way better but with the vampire and Order problem down there, I chose the one place in America you are least likely to get cornered by a vampire: Hawaii. 
Specifically Paukaa, which was home to less than 600 people. I was nothing more than another post-high school traveler who decided to stay. I rented a tiny one-room place from a family and got a job at a café. It was quiet and safe and I settled into a mind-numbing existence. 
I hadn’t contacted anyone back in Forks or even checked my email. As far as everyone was concerned, Mary-Alice Brandon had disappeared for the last time – I half-hoped they’d declare me dead.
I was Mary Hale here. 
It was a little embarrassing, yes, taking Jasper’s fake surname, but it kept me hidden because I doubted anyone would think to run a search on that name. And none of the Cullens called me ‘Mary’ anyway. 
It had been a few months. The hardest. When the test came back positive, I had tried to find the Denali clan in Alaska, to pass on a message to the Cullens. To find help. 
I got close - so close. I made it to Anchorage after almost two weeks of traveling; I didn't have a lot of money, I didn't want my fake I.D. questioned too much, and I was terrified I was being followed and kept double-backing and waiting to throw any stalkers off my trail. I was pretty sick by then, but I was certain I would make it. Hell, I'd broken into the Cullens' before I'd left and found a map in Carlisle's study that had helped me narrow down the Denali home a lot. 
Then I woke up in the Anchorage ER with the news I’d collapsed on the street and miscarried. 
I didn’t know what to do with that information.
I probably should have gone home to Forks and my Dad and pretended it had never happened. Or actually tracked down the Denali clan and demanded they get me in contact with the Cullens anyway. But the Benoits knew where my family was, and I just couldn’t. I didn’t want to see anyone I knew before ever again. I didn’t want to look them in the eyes and have to explain everything. I didn’t want to be Alice Brandon anymore. 
So I didn’t. As soon as they released me from the hospital, I bought the first plane ticket to Hawaii. Actually, it was the next scheduled flight. They could have flown me to the moon, and I didn’t care. 
That had been in January. It was now August, and it seemed surreal to me now. It felt like a movie I’d watched. Sad, but distant. It was easier to pretend it had happened to someone else, and just focus on each day. I had enough problems to deal with - I still hadn't managed to gain back any weight, probably because I was a shitty cook living on a diet of orange juice and minute-ramen; I barely made enough to cover my cost of living and had no particular way of getting a better job; and I barely slept, plagued with nightmares.
And now I was dreaming again, the truth had slammed into my head. Bella was in so much danger. Victoria was coming for her with a newborn army, and the Cullens were long gone.
I couldn't stay away and let Bella die - let that newborn army descend upon Forks without warning.
If nothing else, I had to protect Bella. And my family. Worst-case scenario, I could trade myself for the safety of others. I could try and take Victoria, though she would most likely win, especially when I was so weak and out of shape. Death sounded very peaceful.
Maybe I’d see my baby there. And Mom. 
I didn’t tell anyone I was coming home. I told the café I had a ‘sick family member’, and I didn’t know if I’d be back. I gave the same story to the family I rented my place from. And then I packed up, bought the cheapest airline ticket I could get, and went home again. 
When I slept on the plane, I realized the Cullens had come back to Forks. Bella was better protected than I anticipated, but they still didn’t know what was coming for them. Not to mention the danger that Simon, Dad, and Cynthia were in.
//
I didn’t look like much. My hair was shorter than I had ever worn it, and I was the thinnest I had ever been - that was including the years I spent in the hospital and on the street. Dark circles had set up residence underneath my eyes.  I was wearing the only pair of jeans that I fitted me, and they were wearing thin. My sweater had shrunk, leaving a bare panel of skin between my waistband and the frayed hemline. And my sneakers were held together with hope and super glue. 
Rather than go home and deal with Simon and Dad, I went straight to the Cullens. 
It was Esme who opened the door, blinked and gasped, pulling me into a hug I couldn’t return. 
“Oh, Alice, where have you been?” Esme pulled away, smoothing my hair back from my face. “We’ve all be so worried! Come in, Jasper is going to be over the moon to see you.”
I managed a quivering smile as Esme drew me into the house, into the living room where everyone was gathered, everyone’s eyes on me.
“Alice…” Jasper went from standing in the corner to at my side, pulling me into his arms, my body stiff as I reluctantly curled against him, breathing in his scent of forest and books and something indistinguishably him. “Darlin’, where have you been?”
I just shook my head. If I spoke, I’d start crying and I’d never stop. When Jasper pulled away, he must have seen that in my face and reached up to cradle my cheek. “Are you alright?” he murmured and I let out a shuddering breath.
“You’re in danger,” I managed, pulling away from Jasper reluctantly. “Victoria is returning, she’s in the area and she has her eye on Bella. And the Benoits are coming – to destroy you, the Quiluetes, and my family.”
An hour later, Esme had put a plate of food in front of me, looking worried. I was eating, my stomach twisting at the invasion of food that wasn't bought at a convenience store.
The pasta was good, but I couldn’t enjoy it. 
//
Dad and Simon had been so grateful that I was home, there were no questions or accusations. Just more food, a shower, and bed. Simon had checked on me half a dozen times, looking so worried. 
I slept badly, shallowly, my dreams twisted around the baby, the hospital. Terror and pain that I didn’t know were memories or imagined suffering. I dreamt of blood and misery, and woke up screaming twice – the first time, I wasn’t even awake when Dad came in to try and sooth me; I woke up with him half-rocking me, smoothing my hair back and trying to calm my sobs and screams. 
“It’s going to be okay, sweetheart,” he murmured. 
“I wish I had died,” I sobbed, half-asleep.
“Oh, honey, don’t ever say that,” Dad said. 
He managed to get me back to sleep, my hair sticking to my clammy face, before I woke up screaming again, and Simon managed to get me to take something, leaving me in a soupy state that at least kept me quiet so everyone else could sleep. 
I didn’t stir again til nearly dawn, my dreams blood-splattered and full of desperation. The drugs left me boneless and vulnerable, and when I finally opened my eyes, I couldn’t scream or call for help or do anything but lie there, staring at the ceiling. My hand lay on the pillow beside me, but I stared at it as if it wasn’t even mine. 
I ended up dozing a little; clearly enough that my visions kicked in – I could see Carlisle, Esme, and Jasper arriving at the house, Dad and Simon looking grim. Well, Dad looked miserable and old. Simon had this professional nurse ‘this is bad’ face on. 
“How is she?” Carlisle asked, after they were invited in.
“Broken,” Dad murmured, looking worn out and distressed. 
“Screaming night terrors,” Simon clarified, putting his arms around my father’s shoulders. “I ended up giving her some Valium – we’d get her back to sleep, and minutes later, the screaming would start again.”
“You drugged her?” Jasper demanded, a dangerous look in his eyes. 
“We didn’t have a choice. It was Valium or I called 911,” Simon said gently. “I couldn’t treat someone for trauma in my own house at midnight. Hell, I couldn’t treat someone for trauma without a doctor present. The Valium prescription was one of Alice’s when she arrived. And she needed sleep.”
“She kept telling us she wished she had died,” Dad added. “Over and over again. It’s all she would say.”
Esme and Carlisle looked shaken, but Jasper had just shut down entirely. 
//
I managed to drag myself out of bed, and into the shower, but eschewed clothing for a clean pair of pajama bottoms and tee, running my fingers through my hair. It needed to be washed.
My chest felt tight as I sat down in front of the food Simon had made for me. Simon was still cooking, with Dad, Carlisle, Esme, and Jasper gathered around the island with me.
I felt hollow and exhausted as I considered the plate of fruit and yogurt, along with two slices of toast. I managed a small bite and felt the cool cloud of Jasper’s gift seeping into myself, not bothering to resist. 
“Where have you been, Alice?” Dad asked gently.
I flinched, and then rearranged my expression again, poking some melon with my fork. “Away,” I said softly. “Somewhere safe.”
“You weren’t safe here?” Simon asked. 
I brought another bite of food to my mouth to avoid answering the question; I didn’t want to say it, but they were all watching me. 
“Not anymore. Not after Christmas,” I mumbled into my fruit. 
Finally, I gave up. I got up and left the table, padding up to my bedroom, where my backpack was. The folded piece of paper was filthy and crumpled, but still legible, thankfully. 
No one was expecting me to return to the kitchen, clearly. I slid the folded paper across to Simon and Carlisle. 
Jasper would be disgusted with me. That I’d only gotten sick because he’d left me and I had been trying to find them when they didn’t want to be found. I always knew I was twisted up and ruined inside, thanks to Mommy Dearest, but this was the proof. I had had an opportunity to give Jasper the one impossible thing, and I had fucking failed. 
I missed him, I needed him. He was my other half, the lost fragment. And in two short steps, I was curled in his rather startled arms, my face half-buried in his shirt.
It took Simon and Carlisle only a moment to decipher the medical shorthand, and Simon looked up at me in horror. Carlisle just looked so sad. I let out a shuddering breath, breathing in Jasper’s scent, and waited. 
“Oh, kiddo,” Simon said, looking heartbroken. “Alice, why didn’t you tell us?”
“What?” Dad said, squinting at the paper. 
“Alice, have you seen a doctor since?” Carlisle asked kindly. I shook my head. 
“Okay, you need to be checked out, as soon as possible,” he said.
//
I didn’t have any energy left, and went back upstairs. It felt like cheating, to have Carlisle and Simon to tell everyone, to do my dirty work. But the idea of voicing those thoughts, those words, made my stomach twist tightly. 
My bed was cool and smelt like home. It was good to be here, to be back. That was what I was telling myself.
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prismaticfaery · 1 year
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Headcanons for some of our boys handling your nosebleeds! (Ghost, Soap, and Gaz)
Summary: Your nose bleeds whenever you experience extreme emotions. (GN Reader!)
TW: Blood
A/N: I found myself cackling to a few things in these headcanons. Enjoy, loves!
Simon “Ghost” Riley
He was surprised when you told him initially that any intense emotion you felt caused a gushing nosebleed.
The first time it happened, he was so unprepared when you had burst into tears about a canceled plan you’d made weeks ago with a friend. He cupped a hand over your face and dragged you to the bathroom. 
From then on, he kept tissues in his pocket. 
Anytime after, if he was with you and a major shift in your emotions caused another nosebleed, he would dig a tissue out of his pocket, placing it on your nose and gingerly placing his hand on your back so you could lean forward to let the blood flow out of your nose and not into the back of your throat
His timing was impeccable whenever you had a nosebleed, catching it with his hand or a tissue with light speed. He would never get a drop on the floor. 
Once, you had sneezed during a nosebleed and sprayed him. He never lets you live that down. 
Learned to never wear white ever again. 
He invested a lot into a good washer and dryer. 
Always made sure to never cause you stress, de-escalating any situation with great care. 
Ran out of tissues one time when you were watching a sad movie at the theater and an animal character died, and used the sleeve of his pullover, holding his covered arm over your nose as you sob uncontrollably, shoving popcorn in your mouth. 
Also never let you live that down. 
Is the King of stain removal— he’s a Special Forces Lieutenant so he knows all the tips and tricks for bloodstains. 
John “Soap” MacTavish 
He first found out about your nosebleeds when you punched a teammate for making the stupid decision to call you a nasty name out in the training field for making a mistake. You were seething. 
Cue the trail of blood. John immediately pinches your nose, asking if anyone had something to cover your face with. A teammate hands him a towel, covering your face with it as he drags you to the infirmary. 
Stupidly called you his “little ketchup packet”. 
“Get it, ‘cause, you know… the blood?”
Has had to throw out multiple shirts because he would never keep his word on stocking up on tissues so he’d use the next best thing— his shirts. 
Never mastered the blood catching technique with his hands, it would always drip everywhere and leave trails behind you both that he’d have to clean later. 
After seeing you get upset one day and having a nosebleed, he drags you to the infirmary for the upteenth time. One of your teammates had stuck a tampon up each of your nostrils to hold you over. 
John once asked what size he should get in tampons so he could just slide them into your nostrils and save the toilet paper rolls.
“I’m going to get super plus since they seem to soak up more.”
Needless to say, they were not able to fit inside your nostrils. 
Kissed you once after a nosebleed and caused another immediately. 
Created a board that said: “days without a nosebleed-“. 
Made you upset one day and would immediately regret it when your nose gushed for 15 minutes. He makes it up to you with a movie and pizza. 
Kyle “Gaz” Garrick
The first time your nose bled, it was during your first date. You were so excited during your conversation that your nose bled onto the table. 
He was so worried that his first instinct was to lean over the table and pinch your nose, and you sat there immediately enamored by his action. 
After the date, he knew he wanted to be with you and so he had an embroidered handkerchief made for him to keep in his pocket. 
Calls the handkerchief “Edward Cullen”. 
He always talked you out of anything that made you angry because your anger caused the worst nosebleeds. 
Has a good stain fighting detergent and keeps Tide pens with him. 
Gaz had questioned how much blood you lost in a year many times. 
He’s always strangely calm during a nosebleed, taking his handkerchief out of his pocket while shushing you quietly, watching the blood soak into the cloth. 
Was never upset when you got blood on his clothes because stains could always come out or clothes could be replaced. 
Has given you his hoodies if you get blood on your shirt while out of the house. 
You once got sad while you were reading and had blood drip into your bowl of ice cream and he laughed and said: “hey, strawberry sauce on tap”. 
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twilitty · 15 days
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What are your thoughts on alskjxlsknalsochchjsnwkaozjchdkaoaojxbsksowhxjcodjkwlwjrbrofucixosnwnwooa?
Wow.
I think tampons (of the used variety) would be the primary snack in Edward Cullens diet. I cannot imagine this man enjoying anything other than that. on the same note, i think bella would some how find this attractive. Edward could do anything and she'd find it attractive.
if edward used one of her tampons (of the used variety) to make tea I'm sure she'd have some thought like, "wow, it is MY blood keeping him alive. it is ME providing him with sustenance."
anyways.
i hope that answers ur question :)
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What would happen if Edward got Jacob pregnant during For the Love of a Woman?
For the Love of a Woman by myself and @therealvinelle.
Beautifully, what you're talking about is the never to be written sequel in which we're playing by Two Men and a Baby rules where mpreg is possible and uh I guess Jacob can get pregnant too.
Why's That?
The timeline is too short. Remember that Edward and Jacob start their mad scheme a few weeks out from when the wedding is supposed to take place. While Edward and Jacob confront Bella immediately and come up with the plan, it takes several days/I think about a week for them to cross the line to actual real people sexual intercourse.
Then, instead of the wedding taking place, Bella fakes her death and they discover about a week after that (after doing the honeymoon) that Bella is now a vampire.
At that point the fic ends, Carlisle and Bella go to Volterra, Jasper gets dumped, Rosalie and Emmett take a vacation, and Esme, Jacob, and Edward are left behind with an implicit "don't contact us" from everyone involved.
In other words, I do not believe it was two weeks since Edward and Jacob started having sex. That was when Bella first started showing alarming symptoms.
They don't know by the time the fic ends.
Alright, Jacob's Pregnant
Neither Jacob, Edward, nor Esme have any idea that Jacob's pregnant. I would be alarmed if they did. Bella figured it out thanks to a creepy dream and tampons she never used in her luggage.
One day, shortly after the uh breaking up with the Cullens, Jacob starts vomiting everything he eats. His stomach is also looking weirdly puffy and is cold and hard to the touch.
The gang figures Jacob has the flu and Edward and Esme play nursemaid to him. Except... he's not able to eat anything all day. Edward having researched everything under the sun that Bella could possibly be stricken by, realizes that this is not good and they've past the point of "regular stomach flu" to "Jacob is severely dehydrated and must go to the ER"
Edward is very upset that his medical degree failed him in taking care of Jacob himself. He consoles himself that at least he recognized something was off enough to send him in.
Well, go to the ER Jake does but guess what they're also doing? That's right, they're checking for appendicitis, intestine issues, etc. And Jacob's stomach is being really weird right now. They try to do an ultrasound and uh, Jacob is a black box. There is a giant, black, thing that does not look like the usual organ placement and what the actual fuck?
Edward then realizes that perhaps going to the hospital was not a good idea. Carlisle never spoke about this other organ, but Carlisle didn't do ultrasounds on the wolves that were injured. Likely, this is a shapeshifter adaptation that none of them know about. Perhaps it's the organ that controls the actual shifting.
Regardless, Jacob can't stay in the hospital. The gang books it, Edward stealing IVs and fluid in the process, and Edward's back to hoping this is the flu and unable to tell what is going on.
Then the organ starts moving.
Edward really doesn't know what's going on now (as the doctors at the hospital weren't helpful either beyond their "WHAT THE FUCK?!" reactions) The idea that Jacob is pregnant is so farfetched to all involved (especially with the timing of it all) that neither think that.
Edward has no recollection of the wolves ever talking about these symptoms or thinking about them. He asks Jacob who says NO, NO HE HAS NEVER HEARD OF THIS BULLSHIT.
They call Leah.
Leah very reluctantly answers (really not wanting to, at all, in any way shape or form after the wedding) and hears them out. She hears, mysterious organ grown in abdomen type area, vomiting but not too much extended nausea, weird nudges and a very visible stomach that keeps getting bigger in that one place.
... Jacob sounds pregnant.
Does Leah want to tell him he's pregnant? She feels so ridiculous, on the other hand, she knows those two have been having sex and who knows what leech seed does to you.
"Jacob," Leah finally says, "You, ah, may be pregnant."
Edward notes that's impossible.
Leah asks how he knows that.
Men don't have any of the equipment necessary.
Jacob appears to have grown a uterus and god knows what else. Has Edward ever heard of this explicitly not happening? Edward hangs up, Leah is being stupid. Jacob agrees, Leah is being stupid, he has the flu.
The next day, Jacob's still vomiting, his stomach is bigger, and he starts asking Edward if maybe, perhaps, it's possible.
"No," Edward says, judging Jacob immensely for even thinking such a preposterous thing. Vampires are very much a sterile race, everyone knows this. They're undead for crying out loud!
Jacob, at this point, is feeling mildly pregnant with a demon baby and is not sure he agrees with that.
Also, all of Edward's info is from Doctor Cullen, who is a jackass, and Jacob wouldn't be shocked if the man was shockingly wrong about vampires having kids or just lied to his kids because he's a dick like that.
(Clearly, he and Esme could have had vampire kiddos the whole time! And Doctor Cullen just lied about it because he's a dick! And or gay, Jacob reluctantly acknowledges, since Dr. Cullen kind of announced to the universe that he was very gay.)
Edward doesn't want to agree with that, he still very much likes his father and is still not quite accepting that his father just dumped him, but he is frowning.
He decides to call Eleazar.
This, as you might imagine, turns into an impromptu road trip to the Denali coven where the sisters are overjoyed but also a little weirded out by this smelly pregnant man. Eleazar, of course, is living his best life as sex/medical expert and guru. Unfortunately, Eleazar doesn't want to say Jacob's pregnant (he'd know sleeping with a lot of men) but Jacob does appear to be pregnant (and Eleazar deep down acknowledges that the men he sleeps with... don't do well afterwards/don't stick around very long).
(Jacob is now clearly, visibly, starving and looking much like Bella did in canon. Only a week or two remains until the child eats through him, but Edward and the gang don't know that yet).
Point being, precious time is wasted as they, ever so reluctantly, conclude Jacob's pregnant.
Edward calls for an abortion, right now. Jacob's on board with this only to remember they don't have a doctor. Their doctor just vamoosed to Italy and Jacob hates him anyway.
Desperate, Jacob puts his faith in Edward's medical degree. "Come on, Edward, time to show you're just as competent as your surgeon dad". Edward feels confident, but deep down, he acknowledges he's never done a residency, never done a live surgery before, and Jacob has a womb somewhere in him that Edward has no idea where it is or how to avoid other organs in the way.
What if Jacob bleeds out? Edward has no blood to replace the blood he'll use. Edward's not even sure that Jacob can survive his new uterus being torn open? Oh dear god, what if his liver's in the way?
Eleazar promises that he can do the surgery. See, he's been studying Gray's Anatomy (he never clarifies whether this is the textbook or the TV show) and feels very confident.
Edward wants to call Carlisle, but his number's disconnected and he's off in Volterra anyway and Edward certainly isn't calling them. He has no choice.
He has to let Eleazar do this.
Long story short, the demon child survives its premature c-section, Jacob does not. As the child is probably not projecting thoughts yet, Edward kills it in a rage, as it/Edward himself murdered Jacob.
Edward goes to the wolves, asking them to please kill him (as Jacob was originally supposed to do this). They say no. He tells them he murdered Jacob. Sam... isn't sure what to do about that. He then threatens to eat the entire town of Forks if they don't. Sam, reluctantly and feeling very weird about this, kills Edward and hates everything.
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bella: you’re thin, you’re white, you suck up blood. i know what you are
edward: say it, out loud. say it
bella: a tampon
edward:
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emmettsleftnut · 4 years
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Emmet and Jasper in: Food Shopping for Bella
Jasper: Ok Emmett, we're here, we have a goal, did you ask Bella what she needed?
Emmett: Was I... supposed to?
Jasper: Emmett, that was your one s i n g l e job, asking the human what she needed to eat
---
Emmett: Ok so... like meat, right? I used to eat that shit a ton as a human. They dont sell deer, thats stupid, guess we'll go with chicken.
Jasper: Em, she doesnt need 8 packs of chicken.
Emmett: Bro have you seen chickens, theyre so small, I could put an entire chicken in my mouth. Y'know what, I've seen a chicken near home. When we get home im showing you that I can put an entire chicken in my mouth-
Jasper: Emmett please god stop, I don't doubt you can fit a chicken in your mouth, people are staring.
---
Jasper: Ok, Edward said Bella likes salad. Do you know anything about salad.
Emmett: Do I LOOK like I have ever eaten a salad Jaz.
Jasper: Yeah fair honestly I dont even know why I asked.
---
Emmett: Ok, we have a bunch of leaves, we have... vegetables of some description. What else did Eddie say she liked?
Jasper: Something about mushrooms, like a pasta, he said they had it in a resteraunt in Port Angeles. Lets go to the pasta section then.
Emmett: I am not entirely positive what a pasta is but when I find out, hooooo boy.
---
Jasper: Ok so I'm not seeing any mushroom flavoured pasta, Em what do we do thats like... the only thing I can think of that it could be.
Emmett: *looking at a box with a triumphant look* Well, queue the hoooo boy because Jaz, I have found what we have been searching for.
Jasper: Wait, you did? What is it?
Emmett: *holding up box for Jasper to see* It says right here "mushroom shaped pasta" thats like, the same thing right?
Jasper: You are an absolute genuis.
---
Emmett: OK, chicken?
Jasper: Check.
Emmett: Mushroom shapes?
Jasper: Check.
Emmett: Leaves?
Jasper: Check.
Emmett: Thats all I can think of, humans just need water and sun then they'll get big and strong, right?
Jasper: Em, thats a plant, youre thinking of photosynthesis. Humans need food and sleep and warmth and happiness and stuff.
Emmett: Ok, I vote that I just improvise a bit and see what happens. Whats the biggest potential issue?
Jasper: Fair honestly, go wild I'll meet you at the register.
---
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BONUS:
Emmett: Cullens, we have been hunting and we have RETURNED
Jasper: We did great, obviously
Alice, to Edward: Spoiler Alert; they didn't do great
Emmett: Hush Alice, let me show our bounty. Mortal, come to us.
Bella: *wearily walking over* uh.. sure
Alice, mouthing to Bella: Be nice, they did their best.
Jasper: Firstly, we have, drumroll please... chicken.
Bella: Mmm
Jasper: And chicken
Bella: Oh
Jasper: And chicken
Bella: ..
Jasper: And chicken, and some more chicken, and finally, a bit more chicken.
Bella: Ok, awesome, thanks.
Emmett: Please Bella, save your praise for when we're finished.
Bella: Y'know what, sure Emmett, please show me what else you have there, I would personally love to see it.
Emmet: Of course you would. Next up we have... salad!
Bella: Em, that just lea-
Emmett: Bella please, I know youre insanely greatful but as I said, save the praise for once we're finished. I will only accept drumrolling at appropriate intervals. Jasper, next item please.
Jasper: We have mushroom pasta
Edward: Oh, thats actually a good one. Wait, Jasper, what is this?
Jasper: Its mushroom pasta..? Duh
Edward: Did you hear me talking about the thing from Port Angeles?
Jasper: Mhm, we thought we'd suprise her with her favourite.
Edward: Jasper, it's called mushroom ravioli, and she's only ever eaten it once, and I'm like 90% sure it was sub-par at best. Also, this is just mushroom SHAPED, it doesnt have any mushroom in it what-so-ever. I don't even thi-
Alice, smacking edward over the head: Jasper its great, lets just move on to the next thing.
Emmett: Ok, speedround, you ready?
Bella: Absolutely not
Emmett: Cool, 1. Frozen corn 2. thin potatoes in a very large bag 3. An entire bag of B+ blood, no you may not ask where I found it 4. Tiny edible pillow things. 5. Finally... Tampons, idk it felt like a good idea.
Bella: Honestly thank you
Emmett: Also I need to show you something with a chicken I found, wanna see
Bella: Absolutely
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mediocre-megs · 4 years
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Sorry for all the Twilight spam
But if Jasper can’t control himself around blood then why is he at high school.
You know.
A place where uteruses roam free.
I can just imagine:
Alice getting a vision in class, throwing back her chair and running to the nearest girls bathroom, only to find exactly what she was praying she wouldn’t
Jasper, hunched over the sanitary napkins box, eyes glazed over as he reaches for another tampon.
It takes both Edward and Rosalie to haul him out and throw him into the Volvo
(Emmett could’ve done it by himself but he was busy trying not to piss himself laughing)
Alice helped with the aftershock
That “I just broke into the girls bathroom and went to town on the pads” moment.
Jasper couldn’t look any female at their school in the eyes for weeks afterwards.
Emmett starts buying Jasper his own tampons, for “those midnight cravings.”
The first time Bella comes over on her period, Edward throws her over his shoulder and runs her back to Charlie’s.
Jasper is restrained by Carlisle
Emmett actually does piss himself.
A few months later, Emmet makes Jasper a tampon Christmas ornament to hang on the tree
“Always.” He whispers before delivering his thoughtful gift.
Please add on
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mexicanstarsoup · 4 years
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did I make this in class.... possibly 😌
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mynameismeowmeow · 5 years
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@twilightrenaissance imagine edward cullen rifling through bella’s trash to suck on her used tampons and charlie thinks raccoons are getting in his trash so he gets bear proof trashcans and still he finds them broken into until one night he hears a sound and charlie opens the window to see edward cullen’s legs sticking out of a trashcan and when charlie cocks the gun edward looks up with a tampon in his mouth and the string dangling out and charlie just goes what the fuck and shoots him and that’s how twilight should have ended
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alecvolturi · 3 years
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Girls in high school have their periods...what did the Cullens do when that happened...because it would have happened daily. A concept no one even thinks of. Lol.
I like to think that's why Jasper's expression was always Like That. Lol.
Jasper: His expression's still caused by his exposure to blood/humans, just the unappealing blood instead of the "regular" edible blood causing his discomfort. The expression can also be blamed on his empath ability, feeling a bunch of period cramps, etc at once wouldn't be a walk in the park.
The rest of the Cullens don't have the added burden of empathic ability and they're more experienced/controlled around humans so they're probably not usually as bothered.
Alice: I don't think Alice would be having any unprompted visions about fellow students having their period unless it would be something that would affect the Cullens, but that doesn't mean she can't deliberately look for them. She's may not personally be affected, but her mate is so she's not completely immune.
Edward: Might put his gift to use and carry pads/tampon around so when someone is mentally freaking out about not having supplies he can help. Also would use his gift so the family would know who to avoid and/or help.
Rosalie: I think she doesn't really care most of the time but it could possibly, if she'd really been reminiscing about her human life, be a reminder of what she lost.
Emmett: Other than making jokes, he likely only deeply cares when it's affecting Rosalie. Although I think it's very likely he might join Edward in carrying emergency supplies. He'd do it because he's caring but also because he came from a large family, where he likely had at least one sister, and there's bound to be some traits within the humans he interacts with over the years that remind him of her/them.
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incorrectbatfam · 1 year
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batfam as junk from the junk drawer??
I actually opened my junk drawers for this
Dick: a sock ball
Jason: a bottle
Tim: a charger
Damian: a lighter
Duke: a Canadian dollar
Cullen: a gel pen
Stephanie: so many hair ties
Cassandra: an earring
Barbara: a Starbucks gift card
Harper: travel-size Tylenol
Carrie: sunglasses
Kate: a tampon
Alfred: spare apartment keys
Selina: an empty mascara tube
Bruce: blank label stickers
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fanficmemes · 2 years
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Somehow once upon a time it was a classic and is not that cursed, but i have to remember it to make you all cringe: Count Dracula from the Hotel Transylvania serie making tea with used tampons and pads.
There were multiple fics about this.
See I think that’s just an evolution of the edward Cullen takes shots outta bella swanns diva cup joke but nonetheless 2/10
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dystopya · 3 years
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I AM SO SORRY AOAKDOSK
KALVN X CORPSE HUSBAND X DREAM X GEORGENOTFOUND X SAPNAP X BIDEN X JOE X OBAMA X NAGITO X PEWDIWPIE X TECHNOBLADE X ED SHEERANM X JSCHLATT X SATAN X JUNE X MY DAD X PISS X HIS CLONE NEOPRONOUN USER X YANDERE DEV X ARIANA GRANDE X TAYLOR SWIFT X READER X OLIVER TREE X MOTHER MOTHER X YOUR MOM X NEOPRONOUN USERS X LEMON DEMON X NEIL CICIEREGA X SOLAS DRAGONAGE X BINGUS X JAMES CHARLES X PHIL SWIFT X OBAMA OBAMA X YAKKO WARNER X AYANO X YANDERE CHAN X SENPAI X KARKAT X BARBIE X MY MOM X BRATZ DOLLS X APHMAU X TOM NOOK X MONOKUMA X DAN AND PHIL X UNUS ANNUNS X VILLAGER XTRASHCANS X JACKSEPTICEYE X HARRY POTTER X DRACO MALFOY X MARKIPLIER X ISABELLE X BIGFOOT X FOXY X COOLGUYKAI X JEFF THE KILLER X WILLIAM AFTON X SMUPPET X PURPLE GUY X KURTIS CONNOR X JEFF THE KILLER X SPONGEBOB X ME X LEATHERFACE X ELSA X SAM PUCKET X JACK FROST X CLUB PENGUIN X CALL ME KEVIN X ROBLOX X THE ENTIRE CAST OF THE UMBRELLA ACADEMY X WILBUR SOOT X RTGAME X SLIMECICLE X TUMBLR X TWITTER X MOSHI MONSTERS X EDWARD CULLEN X PORTAL 2 X HEROBRINE X APPARI X MYSPACE X TERRARIA X SLENDERMAN X EDWARD CULLEN X CULLEN RUTHERFORD X SHART X SPLATOON X ALVIN AND THE CHIPMUNKS X PLUTO X MARS X MALVIN X GREEDLER X DR EGGMAN X HATSUNE MIKU X SONIC X SHADOW THE HEDGEHOG X SEBASTION MACHELIAS X HIFUMI X EMMA CHAMBERLIN X MITUNA CAPTOR X RONALD KNOX X MCDONALDS X ANDREW HUSSIE X THE QUEEN X PAPYRUS X UNDYNE X THE WHOLE WORLD X ARSON X TELETUBBIES X @space girl!#0069 X TIKTOK X BYAKUYA TOGAMI X RENESMEE X HARRIET X JACK STAUBER X HOONI X JEFFREE STAR X MIKAN TSUMIKI X SOU HIYORY X BRIAN X MICKEY MOUSE X AMONG US X QUACKITY X BEN DROWNED X EYELESS JACK X JACKSON RAUF X LEVI X MICHEAL JACKSON X LESBIANS X TACO SEX X TACO X NEIL CICIEREGA`S CAT X TWO TRUCKS X IRON GOLEM X BTS X LOONA X MARVEL STANS X LEAFY X TREY PARKER X FIREY X GAY BRITAIN X THINGS IVE SHOVED UP MY ARSE X SCOTLAND X RUSSIA X TRADER JOES X MILEY CYRUS X MADAME RED X PERIOD BLOOD X POOP X USED TAMPON X TONY LOPEZ X MY OC X DIXIE DAMELIO X SAM
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Hi! It's an au twilight question.
What if Edward and Bella did the nasty in early New moon. Then the party happens and the Cullens leave. Bella discovers she's pregnant with Renesmee. What do you think what would happen?
A very interesting question, anon. One that will go very interesting places, I'm sure.
That said, as usual, because I'm a completionist, we have to go through the "why no canon?" routine. Bear with me, I simply must.
Why Didn't Edward and Bella Do the Nasty Pre-Breaking Dawn?
For all that Edward is, for all his... questionable morals and sexual fixations, he does have a moral code he strictly holds himself to.
Edward is adamantly against having sex with Bella in terror of the very real possibility that he will murder her in the act. He's very clear about this, he didn't think he could do it, at all, and only his sheer desperation that Bella never be turned, his desire to marry Bella, as well as Alice's thumbs up convinced him to do it.
If Bella was a reasonable person then she would have agreed as well. Sex with Edward, while she's human, is a bad idea. However, Bella never really seems to clue in on what vampires even are so I think the Man of Steel on Woman of Kleenex aspect is lost on her.
Had Alice not given the green light, I imagine Edward would have gone back to the drawing board and ended up either here or here. Bella turning is the worst possible outcome and Edward will risk almost anything, even Bella's death, to see it avoided.
But that doesn't mean it's an action he takes lightly.
He suggests pimping Bella out to Jake before he suggests sleeping with her himself. For Edward, this is a last resort.
More, Edward is a man of his time.
Edward was from an upper class family and, more to the point, still holds himself to the standards of the society he knew when human (much to Bella's amusement).
Edward wistfully talks about courting Bella, how he would have courted her had he been a true man in the time period he was familiar with, and why marriage to him is so very important.
That Edward doesn't seek out the approval of Charlie, Bella's father, is a hilarious aside to me. Edward's all about chivalry until all those old society standards get in his way.
What do you mean a gentleman doesn't sneak into a lady's apartments in the middle of the night to watch her slumber unawares?!
Regardless, marriage is extremely important to Edward, especially in the context of sex.
Edward will absolutely not have sex with a woman who is not first his wife. He also will not marry a girl that society defines as underage, he will wait until Bella's legal and probably until she finishes her primary schooling.
This means Edward was never likely to have sex with her before graduation and certainly not before her eighteenth birthday.
Which, at the earliest, puts her past the New Moon birthday bash.
Edward and Bella Do the Do Anyway
But let's pretend they do it anyway.
I'd say the most likely scenario is after the birthday disaster. This is it, Edward knows he is leaving Bella forever, if he is truly noble then he will never see her again.
Certainly, he will never interact with her nor hold her in his arms. To Edward, this is essentially his last true night on Earth.
So rather than pull a partial D.E.N.N.I.S. system, Edward pulls the full D.E.N.N.I.S. system, he initiates the "I" he was previously missing, "Inspire Hope". Or, in this case, get laid for the first and only time in his life.
He sneaks in through her window. They make beautiful, passionate, tepid love so Edward does not crush her in the act, and as she sleeps blissfully in the aftermath he sneaks back out the window to never be seen again.
(It takes Bella a week to admit that Edward just hit and run. The Cullens aren't coming back.)
However, because Edward didn't actually point blank tell her what was happening, rather than hit her New Moon stage of depression, Bella's instead in denial.
The Cullens are coming back. What, Carlisle has a new job? No, that can't be right, they're coming back. Alice would never leave her without a word. Edward would never leave her without a word.
Jessica pats Bella on the back consolingly and is secretly glad that it's not her. She might have been dumped by Edward Cullen, but at least he didn't humiliate her the way he did Bella Swan.
Leaving without a single word, yikes.
Two weeks go by then Bella gets the flu.
In a single day, she's unable to keep down anything. Huh, that's weird. Very quickly, Bella has her tampon epiphany. Bella is not a virgin, she had sex with Edward, she's late, and she appears to have a baby bump.
Bella is carrying Edward's child.
There is no question of aborting the child. This is Edward's child, the only piece she has left of him, even without Renesmee's gift it's ride or die. Bella is delivering this child even if it kills her.
However, she has some immediate issues.
First, she's visibly pregnant, it's been only two weeks. That's not supposed to happen. More, Charlie is bound to notice sooner rather than later, Bella would like to avoid that, the stigma of teen pregnancy, as well as the inhuman complications that are sure to come along.
Second, there's inhuman complications. Bella can't just go to an OBGYN, not even a town over. She's carrying something half human, a doctor will poke around and find that out, and then Bella's blowing the secret.
Bella knows vaguely of the Volturi at this point, but not the severity of the law, it's more that she promised Edward she would never tell a soul.
Plus, a human doctor wouldn't be able to help anyway.
That leaves vampires.
Bella tries to call/email the Cullens. However, thanks to Edward, all their numbers are disconnected and all their emails no longer exist. Her "Alice, help, I'm pregannant" messages are sent to a void.
(Alice, meanwhile, thinks she's finally successful in blocking visions of Bella. At least Edward will be off her back. Without the cliff diving and Jake, Alice does not assume Bella has died/committed suicide.)
A brief internet survey also yields Bella no results, but it does get her a lot of vampire porn. Thanks internet.
Bella... starts to get worried.
She's getting more and more pregnant in a matter of days, Charlie is starting to notice that she can't keep anything down, and the Cullens aren't taking her phone calls.
Then, Bella has it, she remembers that weird baroque painting Carlisle had of him and those Italian vampire dudes: the Volturi. Conveniently named after the city they live in, Volterra, Italy.
Bella debates her options.
Edward told her that these are the guys who make sure that humans who know the secret disappear. Well, Bella is a human who knows the secret, that's bad. Also bad is that they eat people, Bella is a person.
On the other hand, Edward implied these guys are civilized and friends of Carlisle. That's... good? Bella isn't sure she's on good terms with the Cullens, given the whole abrupt leaving thing, but maybe they don't have to know that.
Bella debates with herself, tries to look up the Denali, and only finds the National Park. She has no idea where these guys even live, or what they even look like besides "blonde hot vampire", and she's short on time. Plus, they are close with the Cullens, so the Cullens probably did tell them "Ew, Bella, No Gross, Do Not Want".
Because the Cullens all hate her now.
Bella has some money saved up, and this is probably a one way trip, and if she doesn't go then... well, it's not looking good. Bella musters up her courage, tells Charlie some outrageous fib to explain why she's disappearing off the face of the planet, and books a flight to Rome, then Pisa, then a bus ride to Volterra.
Bella subsists completely on blue gateorade, this doesn't go well, and she vomits blue in the parking lot.
Regardless, she makes it, huzzah she is in Volterra. It's sunny out and there are no vampires. Bella wanders around the city and looks for the most vampire building she can find.
Luckily, she happens to be right, and it's the very central castle. Well done, Bella.
Bella walks in and spots a vampire. She also spots a receptionist, Bella is very confused. Never the less, Bella says the magic words, "I'm a... friend of Carlisle Cullen?"
Even though Bella doesn't have Aro's name (or any of the other Volturi for that matter), Carlisle's name does the trick. Anyone who works for Aro knows that name.
Color Aro intrigued, he will meet this pregnant woman! (Caius, meanwhile, votes that they eat her immediately out of spite.)
Well, Aro touches her hand and lo and behold she's scarily gifted. And she knows Carlisle, what a great day to be Aro.
Aro explains that everything's totally fine with her knowing the secret, it just means they have to turn her eventually, after she gives birth of course.
Bella stares at him numbly and wonders why Edward made this such a big deal if it was that easy.
Aro insists Bella start from the beginning, as in the very beginning of her life. This is weird, but Bella complies.
An hour later they get to the interesting part: Bella meets Carlisle (and Edward Cullen, Aro guesses). Aro gets to hear the whole, sordid, ridiculous tale of Bella and Edward's romance including the part where he fucked her and ran off into the night.
Aro is stunned.
He first apologizes for the Cullens behavior, they should absolutely not have abandoned her, and not turning her was completely irresponsible (what the hell was Carlisle thinking?)
He then gives the bad news, he... has never heard of anything like this.
You see, normal vampires don't have sex with humans. It isn't done.
Also, there's this thing called Immortal Children (Edward tell you about that, no? Well, he probably thought it wasn't relevant). That thing your carrying might not be a child capable of growth but an insatiable monster.
Or it could be the alien from Aliens.
There's no way to tell, really.
BUT NO NEED TO WORRY, BELLA, THEY WILL FIGURE THIS OUT.
Aro promises Bella his protection and a period of observation for the child. Bella's not sure she likes that observation part, but this seems like a pretty sweet deal otherwise.
As for what to do, well, Aro has to call in the foremost vampire medical expert. Sorry, Bella, but there's only one man for the job.
Aro sends out Demetri to find Carlisle.
Demetri shows up on Carlisle's doorstep, "Carlisle, old friend, Aro has need of you. Your son knocked up a human girl."
Carlisle blinks, blinks again, then does a thousand yard stare. My God.
Unfortunately, or perhaps fortunately, Edward is already on Victoria's tail. Carlisle tries to call him, to no avail, Edward isn't taking his phone calls.
Alice and Jasper are already on their trip to hunt down Alice's past. Plus, given the Volturi, they'd be unlikely to come anyway. Carlisle sends them a message.
Carlisle, Esme, Rosalie, and Emmett travel to Volterra to clean up Edward's mess.
And sure enough, there's Bella, very pregnant with a child that is very much not human. Carlisle dies inside, Rosalie's on a warpath that Edward would abandon his pregnant girlfriend to the point where the only place she could turn was human drinking vampires.
Rosalie takes it upon herself to leave Edward the world's angriest voice messages until he returns her phone calls.
Aro's delighted to see Carlisle again. Even if he does have a wife now. Also, Aro claims finders keepers for Bella, Carlisle's not happy about this and less happy that Aro points out that if Edward cared so much he wouldn't be absent right now, would he?
They figure out the blood drinking thing, Carlisle desperately raids a hospital to prevent Bella from being fed the leftovers of the Volturi victims. This likely doesn't work out for him.
At the last possible moment, Edward finally picks up his phone. He learns that all he's tried to accomplish failed spectacularly. Bella is pregnant with his demon child, is literally drinking blood, and is in Vampire HQ with the leader insisting she will be turned immediately after the C-section.
Edward races to Volterra and strides into the room demanding Bella be aborted and remain human.
Aro stares.
Carlisle awkwardly explains that Bella's too far along, it's too late now even if they wanted to, more she adamantly doesn't want to abort and never did.
As for Bella being human... Bella pipes in that she's cool on becoming the vampire part. Aro's a great guy. She then races to embrace Edward, he's come back, after all this time. And he's going to be a father, isn't that wonderful?
Edward loses his mind.
And because this is Edward, I have no idea what he'll do, only it'll be utter madness. This is my best guess.
To be a little more serious, he probably tries to abort the child anyway, he mercy kills Bella and the child, or Renesmee manages to get through to him.
Given canon, it's likely the latter. Bella is convinced that her and Edward's relationship is perfect.
Aro has no idea what to think of any of this.
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