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#taurus: all of my mom’s friends are tauruses (she’s a scorpio) so that’s what i associate taurus with
thetallkiwi2 · 1 year
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Astrology Observations
My friend just started class and doesn’t get out until 2pm. I hate the fact that three hour college classes exist. In the meantime, I have decided to procrastinate on my homework and do this😃. Enjoy.
✨ how is it possible to deal with us Virgo placements? I myself have a Virgo SUN & MARS. Y’all genuinely annoy me. Especially Virgo venuses. I love and appreciate your acts of service…but I am NOT the one to have an attitude with. My Scorpio Venus ass will be your slave and go to the depths of hell for you. DO NOT CROSS ME- (said with love 🫠🖤)
✨ On another note, I think I am starting to like Virgo ascendants🫣. Y’all are low key the definition of being put together and it’s something I aspire to be for once in my life. Put together🫡.
✨ Leo and Scorpio in a chart low key gives the same energy as having a Sagittarius Pluto in your 10th house. Both are very private individuals, but naturally the spotlight shines on them.
✨ How do I say this…? I’ll be honest: I love how Pisces moons are. They are a mutable sign so even though you may feel the world on your shoulders, you guys know how to release with grace and move on with your life.
✨ If you wanna know more on the dark side of your Venus, check your 8th house of your VENUS PERSONA CHART. I have Capricorn over my 8th house and umm…I’ll let that speak for itself🤭.
✨ Speaking of that, who said Capricorn placements aren’t freaky?? They literally embody the energy of freak in the sheets and lady in the streets. They’re very poised but also…very…out there, if that makes sense.
✨ To my fellow friends, the Pluto doms, how are we in terms of anger? What do y’all do when you are angry and you wanna kill someone?
✨ I really wanna touch more on the theory of how Virgos and Scorpios are practically the same sign. I mean..it seems like it. Both are private signs, both rule destruction, one way or another. Scorpio is all about transformation and Virgos are a mutable sign. Shit is always going to change one way or another. Like think of it, Virgo season starts around hurricane season, and hurricanes are always shaking up shit one way or another. I hope y’all understand what I’m saying lol I suck at explaining things.
✨ A native that has air, water, and earth in their big three are pretty private and they keep to themselves. That air influence allows them to stay in their head and keep whatever is going on in there. I have a friend who is a Scorpio sun, virgo moon, and Gemini ascendant. She keeps to herself a LOT. Even when she shares stuff, there’s still an aura of mystery and privacy that surrounds her. I give that more to her Virgo moon than her Scorpio sun. Scorpio suns are pretty open about a lot of things compared to other Scorpio placements.
✨ I’m starting to attract Tauruses…and I have Taurus in my 3H, empty. I love y’all but why just now are you all coming into my life?! Where were you guys earlier😵‍💫🫥…
✨ Is it just me or do you feel…inferior to those who have your Pluto sign as their sun sign/sign in personal planets?? I’m part of the Pluto in Sagittarius generation and damn near every Sagittarius I meet, I either feel uncomfortable or inferior (hence why I have something towards y’all) and I be wishing that I can be just a free-minded as you are. I’m jealous. Please teach me. As much as I would like to not give a fuck about the consequences, I am a Saturn dominant. I cannot be too careless…anywho. My mom is part of the Pluto in Virgo generation, and she feels inferior to me (a Virgo sun/mars), and it’s annoying.
✨ I finally started getting close to a Capricorn moon y’all. While I will say this, I love how hard they work and get their bag, they really are big babies (I love this so much!😭). But at the same time, they will bring me down from my reality and that hurts. I have to space myself from y’all. But you are always welcome in my heart 🖤.
✨ Neptune just went direct in Pisces. Us Pisces and Aquarius ascendants can dream a little more happier now. But how was your experience with Neptune retrograde? Seeing everything for what it is, and cringing through it? Yeah same here, but because this is a natal placement, this is my EVERYDAY life (except it’s in Aquarius).
✨ I love how people will automatically assume that us mercury dominants are the type to be so logical. While that is true, we can also be in our heads a lot. So…I want to say it’s almost just as bad as literally…Neptune energy. Nonetheless it’s all in your head, if that makes sense.
✨ Does anyone else have moon square Jupiter?? I swear this is such a difficult aspect to experience. Yes I want to look good and feel good because that’s emotionally fulfilling for me. But then I don’t know when I overdo it, unless I become burnt out. Not to mention, the extreme mood swings that occur. I can be content, with my life. Rarely happy, but when I spiral down into depression, I’m down bad-
✨ Same thing with Venus square Jupiter. I literally enjoy extravagant products and events. Like I’m not made to be basic, but then when do I tone it down?? Am I afraid to spend money on some Gucci or Louis Vuitton? HELL no. But my wallet is. 😭. I have trouble saving up so much money, but if it’s one thing for sure I’ll happily go get that bag back.
✨ I love that Jupiter is in Pisces, because manifestations are a little easier to do, but at the same time, I want Jupiter to move into Aries already. It will conjunct my Lilith too mwahaha.For Pisces/Aquarius ascendants: this is gonna be in our 2nd and 3rd houses. Time for us to get what we want by taking action and speaking up. For Scorpio ascendants: haha you will get to experience Jupiter in your 6H like me haha. You will need to be careful because you can develop health problems more easily ( but you can also heal more easily too). For cancer ascendants: Jupiter will be transiting your 10H (I think). This would be an optimal time to give your all in a job, or find a job that you know you can excel in.
✨ Can someone describe to me what it means to have Lilith in Retrograde? I have it in Pisces retrograde according to Whole Sign, but I don’t really resonate with it?? I feel like it is expressed more subtly as it’s still in the first house. But for this one I resonate with my first house Aries Lilith.
That is all lovelies. This has been in my drafts for a little over two weeks. At first I wasn’t so sure about posting this but then I’m like “eh…why not?” so here we are. I hope you enjoyed it!
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thatsmellofrain · 3 years
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🌩 astrology observations 🌩
because someday i had to hop on the bandwagon after reading them for so long.
DISCLAIMER: these observations all come from personal experience, i am no professional astrologer, only take what resonates!
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☁️ venus in the cancer-capricorn axis are so damn underrated. i swear, these people are the ultimate providers in relationships, and they'll always be there for you when you need it, true ride or die energy with these people.
☁️ i can never realize someone's a pisces rising until they show me their chart. pisces in general tends to be very flowy and adaptable, so it may be more natural for these risings to blend in with the crowd.  h o w e v e r , their eyes might be a good giveaway. they tend to have an overall soft, watery look even if they're not blue (examples: billie eilish, michael jackson, zayn malik).
☁️ speaking of pisces placements, i've noticed most of the ones i know have shown deep interest in different artistic pursuits, specially songwriting, poetry, photography and film.
☁️ the same goes for leos but with them (and i say these as someone who attracts way too much leo energy) it's more related to performing arts. the ones i've seen more interested in writing also had a virgo mercury.
☁️ i've never seen two capricorns have a peaceful relationship with their parents, there's always one of them who prefers not to talk about it.
☁️ besides, i've seen that you're not "supposed" to get along with signs inconjunct (that make an angle of 150°, or are five signs away from yours) yours, since the inconjunction/quincunx is an aspect of total misunderstanding. however, i find signs like gemini and leo way too prominent on most of my friends' charts. maybe it's because i am a fire dominant as well so i tend to enjoy having fire and air energy all around me, but... i disagree with "textbook" astrology on this particular take. if leos and geminis bring me discord, i want more of it.
☁️ this is a popular one, but stop with the oversexualization of scorpio placements. the scorpio archetype has to do with many more things such as discoveries, taboo, mystery, emotional depth, secrets, the unknown, looking deep within ourselves, psychology. it is also related to sexuality, but... chill out on that aspect, please.
☁️ aquarius placements culture is saying: "i did x before it was popular". and i am directing this towards most of gen z because we all have at least one generational planet in there (could be uranus, neptune or both -i have both). if they're personal planets, of course the effect is even more intense.
☁️ the sagittarius-gemini axis gets the best ranter award, i swear i could hear these guys talk for hours.
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☁️ can some people stop stereotyping sag and gemini venuses as cheaters? as a sag venus, i do tend to get bored easily, but that doesn't mean i'll cheat, i just need someone who can keep up with a great amount of energy and my random rants at 1am about useless topics.
☁️ look at the top students in your class, they probably have an earth or air mercury since those are the elements where mercury's the most comfortable in. that doesn't mean that if you have a water/fire mercury you're dumb, by the way, it's just that communication may not be as effective and striaghtforward, with cold hard facts.
☁️ people with aquarius in personal planets can go from "fashion icon" to "wtf were you thinking??" way too fast. but you guys, just like your sister sign leo, certainly do not go unnoticed.
☁️ i have come to the conclusion that the most intense energy belongs to fixed signs. i can feel those folks from a mile away. i've also been living in a fixed dominant family my whole life, so i have experience with them in general.
☁️ speaking of fixed signs, i'd like to add that not only tauruses are the monarchs of stubbornness, but the entire fixed mode can have that characteristic as well. of course, it depends of the entire chart, but when i encounter someone who's a fixed dominant and they disagree with me on something, even though i'm right, i just let them be for a while. they probably won't admit you were right and might act like it was their idea all along, though.
☁️ you may tend to enjoy music made by people who have personal placements landing on your fifth house. for example, i am an aries rising, so my 5H lands in leo, sign that many of my favorite artists have as their big three (rina sawayama, woodz, phoebe bridgers and jesse rutherford are leo suns; jungkook and heize are leo moons). also pay attention to the signs in your 8H and 12H along with your venus sign, your faves could have important placements in those.
☁️ fire risings all radiate main characte, given that the houses are all in the elements they are the most comortable in (the 1st is in a fire sign, the 2nd in earth, the 3rd in air, 4th in water, etc.). and in the case of aries risings, we have all our houses "in order".
☁️ people tend to stereotype aries placements as the ones with anger issues (when we're just being passionate, btw 🙄), but... have you guys seen a taurus? specifically a taurus mars? they'll raise hell if you cross the limits of their patience.
☁️ fire dominant culture is being told you're being "too much" at least once a week...
☁️ it's so fun to see my mom and i pick a destination to go to because you can literally see our venus signs in action. she, a taurus venus, is always talking about how much she wants to go somewhere she can be comfortable, in a resort with beautiful views to the coast. on the contrary there's me, a sagittarius venus, who would much rather get lost in a city, exploring and learning and moving all the time because that's how restless i am. i just can't imagine paying so much just to be locked up in a hotel, you know? i need to go places.
☁️ moon in the 6H people deserve an award for being the underrated mom friends we all need -they'll call you out on your bs right away, specially if they have strong aries energy.
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thank you guys for reading! i might post more of these soon.
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dinosaurtsukki · 3 years
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bsd as their zodiac signs | port mafia
a/n: continuation of the bsd as zodiac signs series !! i’ll try to make some more for other characters (very interested in discussing fyodor being a scorpio) so stay tuned for that in the near future !!
▸ 🎕 ┈┈┈┈ 🎕 ┈┈┈┈ 🎕 ┈┈┈┈ 🎕 ┈┈┈┈ 🎕 ◂
chuuya nakahara | taurus
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kgljgkajd CHUUYA IS SUCH A TAURUS I JUST HAVE TO SAY THAT RIGHT NOW
when i saw this i squealed because we’re compatible so if you’re a cancer come get your man
aNYWAY
tauruses are known for being very stubborn, loyal, and hardworking and chuuya definitely shows all of that
loyalty is very important to him which is why he’s pretty much dedicated his life to the mafia. also him being able to climb up to the executive position is because of his hard work
also works pretty much 24/7 and if he’s not doing missions he’s doing paperwork
baby needs a break
tauruses, and other earth signs as well, are known to be materialistic and self-indulgent too but that mostly comes from how hardworking they are too
spending money is just one of his ways to self-care (he is a self-care king) and it’s a reward for himself after all those missions
he can get a bit extravagant though like,, he has a closet full of things he kind of regrets buying (either that or he gifts them to people)
chuuya’s actually really good at cooking. he’s very much a healthy eater and likes to put effort into what he eats
he would actually love to cook for his friends he’s just too tsundere to admit that
him being a taurus gives him the makings of a mom friend and yet chuuya is reluctant to accept this
akutagawa ryuunosuke | pisces
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ngl pisces are just very strange in general it’s so hard for me to put a finger on their personality
but one thing that i do notice a lot is that pisces tend to be very mature or sometimes very wise-sounding when they talk
and akutagawa does have that very mature and serious air when he talks to people. he’s very composed and articulate when he speaks
pisces also tend to be quite insecure and self-blaming (according to co-star their source of weakness is themselves yes i have the site up whenever i write)
and akutagawa, despite his strength, doesn’t see himself as powerful
it’s because he tends to remember a lot of past hurts and isn’t quite able to move on
likes to just have quiet time to himself to sip tea but it’s often interrupted by his own Thoughts so he goes back to look for work or something else to do
i feel like that akutagawa has this tendency to collect things that pique his interest. just little knickknacks from missions like a piece of glass or a really cool rock
has this tendency to just tune out when people are talking and then he’ll nod his head and pretend to understand
he’s re-enacted multiple scenarios in his head of dazai praising him for his growth somebody help him
ozaki koyou | capricorn
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my love for capricorns is endless and that definitely extends to koyo ozaki
she exudes so much dignified energy i can feel it through my laptop screen and i bet it would be such a dream to work for her
she’s very organized and meticulous when it comes to her work i bet her brain is just full of important dates and to-do lists
that said, koyo likes to pay special attention to her appearance too, her attire, hair, and make-up just to match her overall put-together vibe
deliberately chose not to wear suits like everyone else in the mafia because she knows it’ll be too powerful
that said, capricorns are also very detached with their emotions and they like to keep things nice and ✨repressed✨
she’s not one to express affections or emotion outright because a) that would be a waste of time and b) why?
but she does value connections and relationships she’s built over time and won’t let go of things like those so easily
like her adopted son, koyo does like to indulge a bit in nice, expensive things
when she’s willing to give herself a break, she likes to unwind in a hot springs resort or buy herself a new kimono (her closet is immaculate btw)
that said, she probably has a billion pet peeves including but not limited to: people who chew gum real loud, when someone opens a door and doesn’t close it behind them, chewing while talking, the smell of coffee--
all of her fellow executives and mori take great pains to memorize these pet peeves so that they’re not under koyo’s death glare
▸ 🎕 ┈┈┈┈ 🎕 ┈┈┈┈ 🎕 ┈┈┈┈ 🎕 ┈┈┈┈ 🎕 ◂
taglist (check out my post for details on being part of my taglist): @waitforitillwritemywayout @atsumusdomain​​ @laure-chan @goodfoodxoxoxo ​ @guardianangelswings @ah-kaashi @amberalisa​ @whootwhoot​ @liz-multifandom-hotel​​ @kac-chowsballs​​ @violentfarewll @fyoyacanruinmylifethanks​
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zodiacrant · 4 years
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Hey :) what are your experiences with each sign
Oh the tea. I think I did this but it was long ago so I’ll do the updated version.
Virgo: If you have been following me for at least 6 or 7 months then you’ll know for a while there was a strong vibe of hate against Virgo on the page (not by me) after I have expressed how my most notable bullies were Virgos. Now as a sign I love Virgo and Virgo celebrities. I have now many Virgo friends in my life and online. My experiences with them as an adult is much better, but to be honest even Virgos will tell you that some Virgos are fucking horrible. Other than that, such sweethearts. Also, never met a stupid Virgo in my life, regardless of my experience with them. They might’ve been assholes but never dumb.
Libra: The sign that got me into the most amount of trouble, shenanigans and shit in my life. Other than my younger sister, I had three other Libra friends and I can tell you Libra is trouble. Even though they themselves don’t look for it, they keep putting themselves in such stupid situations that escalate beyond repair. From old ass boyfriends, sketchy places, daddy issues, family drama, public intoxication and horrible exes, I have been through it all with Libras. Such good intentions but (excuse my language) naive and dumb as fuck. Exlecuding a friend that pretended to be possessed and was with a leteral killer, if you want more check my last story on youtube.
Scorpio: I don’t know many Scorpios. Dated one for a month then turned out he wanted me for a threesome. Mind you even his boyfriend didn’t know. A friend of a friend and she is cool. Also a creep from uni that keeps on trying to date my best friend, even though she is a lesbian.
Sagittarius: I personally don’t know many Sags, however, two of them had such strong effect on my life. My father and my high school bff, and both were EXACTLY THE SAME AT EVERYTHING. Sis long story short, they’re too much to handle at times but in general they’re very fun to have around, also keep at a distance.
Capricorn: My best friend is a Cap but she is the only Cap I know. She is so slow and chill she would’ve been pronounced dead if she didn’t roll in bed. And this is coming from a Taurus. She is very smart, even though she calls herself stupid. She graduated third in her uni class. If only sis would move that ass more.
Aquarius: For some odd reason, all my uncles wives are Aquarius, even my mom is an Aquarius. Crazy, cuckoo, #teamtoomuch and all of that. They all have in common their strong personalities and tendency to over stepping boundaries and love for control. Now for my mom, me and her either agree strongly or disagree strongly. Her Virgo moon doesn’t help in making her any less critical. God bless their hearts. I met alot of Aquarius people at school and those are some weird motherfuckes to say the least. But in general I do prefer Aquarius boys.
Pisces: The baby of the zodiac. Either the most good hearted people or the most evil sneaky bitches you’ll ever meet. I personally only had issues with Pisces boys, they are usually the fuck boy type. I had a mentor that is a Pisces and I love her so much, along with a friend but that’s it.
Aries: I don’t know any 😅. Like other than some family members, I never had a friendship with one.
Taurus: Oh these bitches 🙄. Just Kidding 😂. I am a Taurus if you didn’t know, so hello welcome to my page, my name is Husain and I am a Taurus. I love Taurus girls. Taurus guys, well........... if they aren’t gay I don’t want to know them 😅. Let me explain. Taurus straight guys are so fucking conceded and are very much like the stereotypical Taurus. But I do love Taurus celebrities. Also, alot of my family members arw Tauruses.
Gemini: I personally love Gemini, even though I met the stereotypical ones. I had some Gemini friends, a frienmey in elementary/middleschool and let me tell you something, even though me and this boy had a lot of issues it was because we were very alike. We both were pettyTM, he would walk by people and laugh so fucking loud to annoy the shit out of them. He also taught me a lot of sneaky shit, like putting someones things in someone you hate bag to stir shit up. Messy bitches. Very smart but usually shit in school, unless they cheat.
Cancer: I have such a weird relationship with Cancer. Alot of my family members are Cancers but most notably my oldest and youngest sister. Wheew girl the mess. How the two of them are the same sun is so weird to me. Regardless of their differences, all the Cancers I met can’t conceal how they truly feel. At many times they will make a joke at your expense but how dare you flip it on them. Very opinionated. And most importantly, they have a strong connection to their family.
Leo: Only met one Leo, and she was such an obnoxious lady. Her first words to me were “I will fill my stomach later with vodka”. She was with me in the fashion designing team and boy was she not it. You don’t have to know brands to be fashionable and into fashion, but when you go into a place like Versace and call their scarf a “rag” and their sandals “bathroom flip flops” while having a loud ass metal ringtone, it was enough for me to not want to know her. Oh and did I mention she turned out to be in the same uni as me 🤦‍♂️.
That’s it, don’t take it personal, these are my experiences not the definition of an ENTIRE GROUP OF PEOPLE. So please shove it up your butt and scroll if you don’t like it *mwah* ❤️
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astroprojections101 · 3 years
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The Signs as Characters from ‘BRIDESMAIDS’
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Annie Walker - Taurus
Bridesmaids is a hilarious and groundbreaking female-driven comedy about addiction and friendship, two things Tauruses know how to do very well. They are loyal and committed people whose reputation as the most boring sign of the zodiac is forgiven for also being the best friends you will ever find on this fucking planet, and they KNOW this dammit!! They wear their friendships like purple hearts, but it also means they can easily get stuck in a rut and indulge in self-destructive habits like fucking terrible people and matching red shoes with red nail polish when the waves get rough. Not to mention it could take years (or a very messy rock bottom) before these bulls get the wake up call they need to make a positive change in their lives, as evidenced by Annie failing to do any of this until Melissa McCarthy literally bites her in the ass while watching Castaway, a movie I am SURE she has seen at least five times. 
They can also be territorial and possessive. While Annie may seem like that down-to-earth, low-maintenance girl who side eyes women that wear $8,000 evening gowns to an afternoon engagement party, on the inside she is a red-faced toddler crossing her arms and stamping her feet because Mom won’t let her play with the iPad. Or, in this case, because her best friend since CHILDHOOD (seriously, who still has friends from childhood? TAURUSES, bitches! + people from the Midwest) is getting married and has, like many grown ass adults sometimes do, ~made another friend~. Suddenly, Annie is forced to, without prior knowledge or consent, confront the bull’s biggest fear: change. Which is a big fat scary no no for a masochistic Taurus who would rather pursue subpar fucks than make baked goods with an emotionally literate Scottish bae. Tauruses like Things As They Are even when they don’t, and Annie Walker is no exception. We stan a true Taurus queen. 
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Sorry, Libras. Branding the antagonist of the movie as one may seem counterintuitive for a sign whose entire identity revolves being nice and fair to EVERYONE and liking EVERYONE and getting along with EVERYONE, but that’s exactly why Helen Harris III wins the coveted title of Passive Aggressive Shithead Who Reminds You of 30% Of Your High School: everyone loves her, everyone wants to be her, and who can blame them? As a wise Jeff Winger once said, nerds go to space to impress the people who wore leather jackets in high school. 
And Helen Harris is beautiful. She can pull off wearing an $8,000 evening gown to an afternoon engagement party (almost) without coming off like an asshole. Helen Harris can book spontaneous bridal salon fittings. Helen Harris could eat that fucking cookie (Annie could never). Even if it means gaslighting a woman out of a wedding party, getting bullied by bratty white kids or marrying David Wallace, Libras don’t know who they are without the bliss of knowing their personal brand of outward bullshit is loved and admired by all, even if that means suppressing their true feelings until their next tennis sesh at the Milwaukee country club. Helen proves this when she ugly cries to a woman she socially tormented for the better part of a year, and also proves this when she arranges for Annie’s emotionally literate Scottish bae to pick her up after the wedding. You can’t convince me otherwise. 
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Lillian - Virgo 
It’s easy to put Virgos in that Friends Who Have Their Shit Together box, even if underneath that facade they are literally dying inside. But this is what I love about Lillian, who is yes, obviously a Virgo. Lillian is getting married to the man she loves. She curated a bridal party that genuinely knows and loves her. She gets someone like Helen to simp for her. So yes, she is that classic Virgo who doesn’t judge you for not having your shit together but also would never, ever forgive herself for sinking that low. 
But Lillian also manages to laugh when she comes out wearing that Abominable Snowman of a wedding dress. She shits on the street and lives to tell the tale. She is able to make hard choices and set boundaries with her best friend. Lillian doesn’t judge people out of insecurity, because she knows who she is and accepts it. 
I’d like to think there is a Virgo out there, punishing herself because she applied to three jobs instead of two that day, who sees a Lillian and realizes there is a future where she can be a #BossBitch without committing her entire life to proving it to herself and others. I’d like to think there’s a Virgo out there who sees Lillian and realizes she doesn’t have to let her friend copy her homework answers for the fourth consecutive math test because no, she isn’t responsible for her lazy friend’s inability to study ahead of time. Lillian is the representation Virgos desperately need - not just because she is a badass woman, but because she is happy. She is a role model for all of us, and you can’t get more Virgo than that. 
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Megan - Aries
This was a hard one. On the one hand, Megan is weird. But let’s be real, an Aquarius could never be entrusted with the codes to every nuke buried underneath the United States. They would take those codes and use it to yeet Mark Zuckerberg out of his 100 million dollar Palo Alto estate within the first hour of signing their W-2 form. No, Megan may be unapologetically Megan as shit, but it’s not because she’s an Aquarius. She’s bold, and forward, and unapologetically Aries. 
Which is odd, considering that an Aries and a Taurus together is, well... an unlikely friendship combo. Both signs are strong-willed and stubborn as hell, but in a way that makes them want to declare war on each other’s egos, not inspire the other into becoming better people. But then again, maybe that’s why their friendship works. Where Annie throws an empty compliment at an overdressed woman she’s already decided she hates, Megan expresses a desire to climb a man five minutes upon meeting Annie. Where Annie sits on a couch watching Castaway instead of addressing her issues the way 35 year old women probably should have learned to do by now, Megan bites ass and reminds her of this this. Where Annie HOLDS IN VOMIT UNTIL SHE HAS DRIVEN MILES AWAY FROM A BRIDAL SALON, Megan shits right into that refurbished marble sink without a second thought. Get where I’m going with this? Megan does what Annie doesn’t, which sometimes is exactly what a Taurus needs to get out of their rut of self-pity. But of course, Megan doesn’t just exist to provide emotional labor to lazy Earth signs. She is an individual truly living her best life, and we love for her for it. Aries women slap like no other.
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Rita - Scorpio
Brutally honest and a sexual goddess. What more can you expect from an unhappily married Scorpio? Rita is bold, sexy, and dramatic, who knows how to pack the punches so quick and dirty she can turn a Disney-obsessed woman child into a drunken bisexual as she sips her martini on a first class ticket she bought with her asshole of a husband’s tax fraud money. After all, who else besides a Scorpio would tell a woman she hasn’t seen since high school that her very own flesh and blood masturbated a blanket into oblivion? Scorpios are dark, brooding, and know when they are being taken for granted. Nowhere is this better exemplified than when Rita spills the piping hot tea on her shitty family that can’t see her for the goddess she truly is. Rita, you deserve better. 
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Becca - Pisces
Erin Kemper has a long history of playing maladaptively naive characters, but I will bet my next unemployment check that Erin based her performance of Becca entirely off a Pisces description she found on Cafeastrology.com. Because there is literally nothing more Pisces than Becca. The hair, the clothes, the willingness to go through hospital levels of self-sanitization for her husband so that she can finally bone? Trying to convince herself she’s also too tired so that she doesn’t have to admit to herself that her husband is an emotionally and sexually unavailable failure of a man who can’t give her what she needs until she experiences a sexual awakening 2,000 miles up in the air with her Scorpio biffle??? Yup. Pisces to a P. 
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Rhodes - Cancer
Aww, Rhodes. So sweet. So awkward. Why did they have to make you a cop?
Can we talk about why it is that almost every leading man who is emotionally mature and secure in his masculinity ALWAYS seems to elicit Cancerous vibes, even if they’re clearly not a Cancer? Actual Cancer men, take note. Rhodes  pursues respectfully. He calls, even after Annie doesn’t call back. Rhodes attempts exposure therapy on a woman he has had sex with once. Rhodes WOULD get ghosted by 80% of the women he meets on dating apps (including Annie, let’s be real), and we love him for it. Because cancers are just that loving and loyal! So yes, we can excuse him for getting a stick up his butt sometimes when someone drops a perfectly biodegradable vegetable on the ground. He more than makes up for it. 
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Annie’s mom - Gemini 
Geminis are either terrible or the best people you’ll ever meet, and Annie’s mom is one of the rare few that falls into that in-between category of chaotic good, adorable Gemini doing her best not to drive everyone she’s ever loved away with what little self-awareness she has about her Gemininess. Annie’s mom is bubbly, chatty, and queen of the chisme. She uses logic to justify calling her ex husband’s wife a whore, and talks like she has a doctorate degree in the unsolicited advice she offers her daughter. Until at least, she’s introduced to a sweet man, and all that logic and wordiness melts away into a gooey puddle of all those emotions she likes to think she’s above. 
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Bryn - Aquarius
There are a lot of stand out heroines in this movie, but none of them beat the comedic genius that is Bryn, an incestuous roommate Annie probably dug up from Craiglist’s seventh circle of hell. Aquari are trail blazing, unconventional, and friendly enough to distract you from the fact that their brain cells came from aliens. Bryn is no exception. Even an impulsive Aries would look at the opportunity to get an offensively tacky tattoo in the back of a van and think, “I’ll get Starbucks instead.” But an Aquarius thrives on making people uncomfortable with their Society Has To Catch Up To Me complex, and Bryn is no exception. After all, if they’re not scandalizing their depressed roommate with xenophobic tattoos and baths with their brother, then who even are they? A sheep, that’s who. 
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13 year old - Sagittarius 
This specific breed of popular mean girl is either a Gemini or Sagittarius. I have nothing to back up this claim, but watching that horrible girl verbally spar her way into getting a 35 year old woman fired from a jewelry store is enough to turn me into a believer. That’s why it was so hard to pinpoint a sign for her. On one hand, this girl is probably responsible for the social anxiety of at least a dozen ex-BFFs. She also clearly knows how to use words to make someone wish they had never been born, so I can accept that this insecure adult’s worst nightmare has a few placements of mercurial badassery in her chart. 
But the truth hurts, and no one knows how to finesse the truth like a Sag, who either doesn’t know what they’re doing when they tell a customer service rep they have no boobs, or they know exactly. Anyway, don’t project your friendship drama onto an undeveloped Sagittarius child, Annie. Or tell them they’re going to be pregnant at their prom (yikes). You do not know what you’re getting yourself into. 
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Annie’s Mystery Man - Capricorn
The sports jacket. The pipe. The vibes. This guy probably cured cancer back in the day and still hated himself for not figuring it out until he was 30. You could also totally tell he was sizing Annie up to see if she met his expectations of People Worth His Time (she didn’t). Capricorn man, you are right. None of us deserve you. RIP Hugh Dane.
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