#tcr birthday bash 2019

[catsafarithewriter]

Day 4: Musical

A/N: This is, unusually, a Natori & Cat King ficlet, exploring the chaos of double retirement, inspired (and referencing) the song: “If I Were A Jolly Blacksmith” from the musical TV show: Galavant. (Hence posting it on Musical day) I’ve really enjoyed this, so maybe I’ll write more on the retired concept. Who knows?

Also, a big shout out to @linchxpin for very kindly allowing me to play with their headcanons for Natori’s past! 

x

Natori took to retirement like a landlocked duck took to the sea. That is to say, once he figured he wasn’t in any major danger of drowning, he wondered why he hadn’t retired years ago. 

Of course, the core reason was the cat who had retired alongside him. 

Regardless, the switch from working cat to retiree was aided by two factors. The first was simply that he was tired. If the Cat Kingdom had possessed a functioning economy, the thought: “I don’t get paid enough for this” would have passed through his head multiple times a day. Since it hadn’t, his brain had substituted the thought for a swan-like state - graceful and smooth on the surface, and incoherent confused babbling beneath. 

And the second reason was that not much had fundamentally changed. He still had an irresponsible, power-crazed old cat to kittensit, only now when the irresponsible, power-crazed old cat decreed that Tuesdays would now be known as Second Mondays, Natori could pat the ex-king’s paw and go, “Maybe not, Sire,” instead of having to change all the palace calendars and politely ask the servants to play along for the next month. 

(Early into his tenure as a royal advisor, he had taken to bribing the servants into backing up the ruse. Later in his career, he had realised that the King’s attention span didn’t stretch far enough for him to realise that Tuesdays still existed outside the palace.) 

But while Natori was like a duck in the ocean of retirement, the ex-king was more akin to a stone. 

Natori wasn’t sure what had possessed him to agree to the ex-king crashing in on his retirement plans, except that old habits die hard and he had felt that Lune would benefit from his father being out of meddling range, but agree he had. 

Anyway, Natori had managed for... too many years to count. He could manage a little longer. At least until the ex-king found some direction. 

And so the two palace cats had found themselves in Natori’s kittenhood home, out in the edges of the Cat Kingdom and squarely in the mouse belt. (That stretch of scrub land dominated by villages which had risen out of mouse husbandry, and whose yearly highlight was the annual scarecrow contest.) 

In such a village, there wasn’t much use for an ex-king, not unless he could harvest catnip, or sheer a rabbit, or wrangle a mouse, and the ex-king definitely wasn’t one of such persuasion. 

(He had watched, with some horrified fascination, as a butcher skinned one such mouse in the shop window, and had briefly sworn himself to vegetarianism until Natori had politely reminded him that cats were obligate carnivores, and then repeated the explanation with smaller words.) 

As such, lately the ex-king had turned to contemplation - a markedly foreign concept to the cat for whom “reconsideration” was a survey of side courses. Natori had even found him once in the library. A scary enough situation even before one considered that the ex-king hadn’t known where the palace library was located in all his years living there. 

He had asked Natori’s advice on words such as “self actualisation” and “inner peace,” at which point Natori had confiscated the book and distracted him with the golf club their neighbour had made for him. 

It wasn’t that Natori was against cats reaching self actualisation or inner peace. In theory, it sounded all very nice and relaxing. But after a lifetime trying to gently steer his monarch away from stupid ideas and sometimes even succeeding, Natori had learnt to trust his gut. And he knew that the ex-king would take such ideas and run completely in the wrong direction with them and probably start a few fires in the process - not all figurative ones, either.  

And the point of all this was that when “Young Gizmo Junior” came running over bellowing “Mr Natori! Mr Natori!” Natori knew exactly who was at the centre of whatever chaos he was about to be dragged into. 

Young Gizmo Junior, a runt of a tabby who had yet to grow into his paws, fumbled up to the cottage’s porch with the kind of frenzied energy that comes from being torn away from interesting happenings. “Come quick, Mr Natori,” the kitten gasped. “It’s your friend!”

Natori lowered the cross-stitch he had finally been making progress on, and felt his heart dip along with it. “Oh no. What has he done now? Is it the mice? The rabbits? Please tell me he hasn’t fallen into the salmon river again--”

“No, Mr Natori, it’s worse. He’s singing!” 

Natori blinked. "But he doesn’t sing,” Natori said. “At least,” he amended, “not while sober.” 

‘Please don’t let it be catnip wine again, please don’t let it be catnip wine again, please don’t let it be catnip wine again,’ his mind chanted, ever hopeful that he had developed magic wishing powers since the last time he had fervently wished for a saner life. (Last Second Monday.) 

x

It was not catnip wine. 

It was somehow worse. 

Natori slowly leaned over to Young Gizmo Junior and whispered, “And how long has he been at this?”

“He was on the...” Young Gizmo Junior counted on his claws and scrunched up his face when he surpassed his last easily countable claw, “eleventeenth verse when Grandpa told me to fetch you.” 

Natori raised both eyebrows and nearly unsettled his spectacles in the process. “This is bad.”

“What’s he doing?” Young Gizmo Junior asked. 

“I’ve heard of this before. He’s on the third stage of Searching For Himself.” 

“Why does he need to search for himself? He’s right there.”

“You know that and I know that,” Natori said, “but cats who go searching for themselves don’t. The first stage is talking to oneself, the second is staring into the nearest water source--” 

“Grandpa said he was staring at the well funny--”

“--and the third is bursting into song,” Natori continued. He couldn’t remember the next step, but that was mostly because the ex-king had begun another verse, and Natori’s mind had tapped out. 

“If I were a jolly blacksmith,

What a happy cat I’d be,” the ex-king crooned, rounding towards Old McGregor’s workshop.

“I would do all kinds of blacksmith stuff in my blacksmithery...

“I’d hit the thing... with the other thing. 

“Till I made a different thing!

“If I were a jolly blacksmith...” 

The ex-king trailed off, and if Natori hadn’t been assured that this was the eleventeenth verse, he might well have believed that that would be the end of it. But the ex-king didn’t know the meaning of defeat - mostly because the Cat Kingdom didn’t have dictionaries - and so, after a little bit of muttering (that Natori caught the tail end of “No, I’m not feeling it. Besides, I’d get filthy. There must be something better”) he perked up and made a beeline for Maggie’s meat pie stand. 

“If I were a friendly farmer, 

“Wouldn’t that be oh so sweet? 

“I’d be planting greens and lots of beans,

“And other things to eat.

“Then I’d plant some eggs, and a couple mice,

“Then a yummy salmon cake!” 

The ex-king paused, vaguely aware somewhere in the recesses of his kittenhood education that it didn’t quite work that way. 

(”No,” he muttered, “that’s not right,” and Natori briefly thought there was hope yet. Then the ex-king continued with, “Any moron can plant a cake,” and the farmer upbringing in Natori cringed.)

Natori leaned over to Young Gizmo Junior. “Why can I hear a pipe playing?”

“That’s Uncle Saburo,” the kitten replied cheerfully. “He’s really good!”

“He’s also encouraging someone who needs no encouragement. Trust me.”

“I want to be special,” the ex-king continued, undeterred from the whispered conversations. “Needed. Liked. I’ve got it!” he cried, and made a dash for Rosie’s valerian wine shop front. 

(Part of Natori knew he should stop this. The other part really wanted to see how this worked out. Historically, the latter was a bad idea, but Natori put it down to shock.)

“If I were a merry brewer,

“That would be a grand career,

“I would pick the grapes and peel the grapes

“And stomp them into catnip beer-- dammit!”

The ex-king slumped down onto a convenient crate, which Rosie suddenly decided she didn’t need right now. “I don’t know how to do anything but be a king,” he lamented. “And no one wants me to be a king.” 

“Mr Natori,” Young Gizmo Junior piped up, “shouldn’t you go help your friend?”

“Not yet,” Natori said. “Let him finish first.”

“Why?”

“Because one does not interrupt a cat when he’s singing an existential crisis song,” Natori replied firmly. 

“If I’m just a jolly... nothing,

“What am I supposed to do?

“I don’t have a skill, no niche to fill,

“No one to come home to.”

Natori had a sink full of dirty dishes that argued otherwise.

“Don’t know where to go,

“Don’t know how to fit,

“Don’t know who to even be.

“If I were a jolly tailor... juggler... barber... wet nurse... cesspool worker...”

The ex-king sighed and shook his head. “What difference does it make? I would still be me...”

Natori waited a moment longer. When the last echoes of Uncle Saburo’s pipe playing had died away, he sighed and approached the aged cat. “Sire?”

“Go away Natori,” the ex-king grumbled. “I’m brooding.”

Natori didn’t go away. He waited a moment longer, just until the other cat’s ears began to twitch. He could read his old monarch’s tempers better than he could read his father’s book on Mouse Husbandry. 

“Brooding’s rather boring, isn’t it, sire?”

The ex-king scowled. “Yeah.”

“Do you want go down to the Mouse’s Tale pub and see if we can convince Chaucer to let you try darts again? Maybe you’ll even hit the wall this time.”

“Yeah. Yeah, that sounds good.” 

Stage four of Searching For Yourself, Natori decided, was getting yourself uproariously drunk. 

If the rest of the evening was anything to go by, the ex-king agreed. 

#day 4 musical #tcr birthday bash 2019 #the cat returns #tcr birthday bash 2020 #the cat queues #cat writes #the misadventures of royal retirement #aka my name so far for retired natori and CK #also there's a king in faerie tale theatre's Princess and the Pea who makes mad decrees and nobody listens #and that's basically become one of my little headcanons #like technically the cat kingdom has a lot of insane decrees #but they're not really used #decrees are more like a doodling board for the kings' consciousnesses #rather than actual lavvs #after this at least three old cats ask natori about getting the CK to sing in the village choir

[lin-iva]

tcr bday bashhh !!! 2nd day

baron and bros are the best soldiers with good will and pure heart who didn’t know that they’re working for an evil king/ruler. One day, Haru the famous pirate bandit(?) who nobody knows her identity is because of the mask she always wear(i forgot to draw it) robs the evil king/ruler’s  treasures that are probably stolen from others to give it back to the ones who need it.

baron and bros are given a task to capture the pirate bandit and their plan is to sneak on the boat, and as you can see...

they failed.

#pirate au #woo woo #i love badass haru ok #and in this au #the animals are.. like baron #half humans #well some of them #tcr birthday bash 2019 #the cat returns #neko no ongaeshi #Baron Humbert von Gikkingen #Haru Yoshioka #toto #muta #i missed the first day... sorry.. #i'll try to cover the missed days as soon as i can #in this au the bros will soon discover that the king is evil n then #form a crew to help people #cliche?yep #i'm sorry this brain is lacking on creativity

[ro-visiting-the-bureau]

TCR BDB19 Day 5: Crossover

This honestly is the one I’m most excited about. I've been requested, and I have answered, this is a sequel to Strange Clients, my crossover from the 2017 TCR BDB. Maybe later on, I'll fill in the gaps of what happened between the two fics, but for now, feel free to speculate.

Baron struggled in his bonds as he was brought from the dungeon to where Roland and his mother, the Lady Nix, held court. While the Bureau had succeeded in helping Princess Marianne and King Bog free their parents from the witch’s castle, Baron and Haru had remained behind to ensure the others would get away. They had initially been held together, but then Haru had been taken away to who knew where. And now it was his turn.

When he came into the throne room, he was surprised to see the place filled with people, or more specifically, fairies. They were all dressed in beautiful gowns and suits of flower petals and leaves, and were dancing to the music that was playing. But there was something off with all of them, twisted wings, or limbs too long, or a skirt laying the wrong way for the style. It was an illusion, ugliness hiding under beauty.

A path was made through the dancefloor to drag him up to the dias, where Lady Nix and her closest courtiers sat at a table, the lady herself on a throne made from blackberry wood. She had black hair like night, and skin white as snow, only emphasized by the deep purple and blue of her gown. Her lips were painted the same purple, and her eyes, the only trait she shared with her son, were a green that could almost appear blue, if she ever stepped into the daylight. She too was twisted, the ribbed pattern on her gown looking more like insectine arms linked together in sleeves, and her face moved like a mask.

He was forced to his knees before her, and she smiled. “Well, the meddling Baron von Gikkingen. How have you enjoyed my hospitality?”

“It could be better,” Baron said, pushing himself as far upright as his guards would let him. “I have not even been offered a cup of tea.”

“Oh, my apologies. We believed you wouldn’t accept one.” She frowned softly, as if in genuine concern. She was good at faking her emotions, he would give her that. And he could play the same game.

“Oh, I wouldn’t, but it’s the principle of the thing.”

“Well, I hope you will eat a little. After all, this is a celebration.”

“A celebration of what?”

“My son finally has a bride.” She motioned to her right, and Baron realized he was so focused on the witch he had ignored the others of the dias. He looked and his eyes widened in shock. “Haru!” He surged up against his guards, but they held him fast.

For it was Haru, sitting in a dainty throne next to Roland, wearing a white wedding gown and flower crown, her hair down and a veil over the back of it. She was smiling sweetly, but her eyes were blank, pupils dilated and sparkling like someone had thrown glitter into her face. She didn’t even look at Baron, her gaze alternating from scanning the dancing crowd to staring adoringly at Roland.

Roland ran the back of a hand down Haru’s cheek, then turned and grinned at Baron. “That’s right. The perfect bride, brought right to my doorstep. Thank you for that, by the way.”

“Let her go!”

“I’m sorry-” Lady Nix’s voice said she wasn’t “-But the spell is permanent. There’s no counterspell, and I doubt you would be able to achieve the requirements to break it before midnight.” She grinned, and motioned with her left hand.

The guards dragged Baron to a glowing circle on the left side of the dias. Once he was inside it, they released him, and golden spiderweb formed a cage around him, leaving one lattice open for him to look out. He pushed against the webbing, but it held fast.

“Please, enjoy yourself. And don’t hope for rescue, the border guard has been doubled since your little break in.” And with that, Lady Nix turned her attention away from him, speaking with a dark haired fairy whose ears twisted the wrong way.

Baron made a few more attempts to push against the barrier, but it was no use. So he fell into thinking. What spells were there to force someone to love another. Too many the count, and too many held the same symptoms to narrow it down. The only one he could be certain it was not was primrose potion, for that did not zone the victim out so much. And while he was certain Louise and the others would come to rescue them, they would not make it in time to save Haru.

He wracked his brain for hours, ignoring the food and drink offered by Nix’s servants, for it surely was drugged as well. Each and every spell he could think of, he rejected, and while he outwardly kept himself stoic, inwardly, he was starting to panic.

He was broken from his cycle of thoughts when Roland stood, executing a elaborate bow as he offered Haru his hand. “It is five minutes to midnight. Would my bride like to dance before we head to bed?”

“Of course, my darling husband.” She rose gracefully, where Baron knew she should have tripped in that skirt, and they walked around the table to the dance floor. The courtiers briefly parted to allow the couple through, then closed ranks and circled up, that only the fact the dias was raised quite high allowed Baron to even see Haru.  

“Maestro! Music!” Roland called.

“Why don’t we let our guest perform?” Lady Nix offered, her grin speaking of a private joke, a cruel one.

Roland grinned back to his mother. “And excellent idea! If you would, Mother?”

Lady Nix snapped her fingers, and Baron’s cage moved from the end of the dias to in front of the table, just to her left. “Sing, Baron. Sing anything you want, so long as it comes from the heart, and the music will follow you.”

There was an ulterior motive here. Something that they would probably use against him. For a moment, he considered refusing, but he caught Haru looking at him, the first glance she’d spared since he was brought in. And he could not refuse her.

He closed his eyes and took some deep breaths. The band started to play, Roland swept Haru away in his arms, and Baron let let his heart speak for him.

“ Never knew I could feel like this. ” He started slow, almost hesitantly. “ Like I’ve never seen the sky before. Want to vanish inside your kiss. Everyday I love you more, and more. ” He looked up, his attention solely focused on Haru, and his voice grew louder. “ Listen to my heart, can you hear it sing? Telling me to give you everything. Seasons may change, winter to spring. ” He paused, his breath catching for a moment. “ I love you, until the end of time. ”

The music played a few moments, before the dancing couple suddenly stopped, Haru with her back to the dias and Roland looking down with a questioning look. Then a crystal clear tone Baron never expected to hear rose up from the dance floor.

“ Come what may, come what may. ” Haru slipped her hand from Roland’s who was too stunned to stop her. She slowly turned, and Baron could see the unnatural sparkle leaving her eyes.

“ Suddenly the world seems such a perfect place, ” she sang, looking up at Baron. “ Suddenly it moves with such a perfect grace. ”

Baron wrapped a hand around one of the bars of his cage as he began to sing with her. A moment later, the golden spiderweb began to dissolve around him. “Suddenly my life doesn’t seem, such a waste .”

“ It all revolves around you. ” Haru smiled, and he could not help smiling back. As if repulsed by the intensity of it, the courtiers who stood between them backed away, leaving a clear path across the floor.

“ And there is no mountain too high, no river too wide. Sing out this song, and I will be there by your side. Strong clouds may gather, stars may collide. ” The cage fully disappeared with a burst of golden dust, but Baron barely noticed it. “But I’ll love you, I love you till the end of time. ”

With nothing between them now, Baron and Haru started walking towards each other. Whether by the innate magic of the duet, or some other reason, no one made any attempt to stop them.  

“ Come what may, come what may, I will love you until my dying day. Come what may, come what may, come what may. ”

They met in the middle of the floor, and a part of Baron’s mind couldn’t help but contemplate the picture they made. Himself, in shirtsleeves, vest and trousers, torn and stained from his imprisonment. Haru, picture perfect in a flowing gown and veil. And they reached for each other with no hesitation, her hand finding his shoulders, while his held her waist.

“ I will love you, until my dying day. ”

Haru’s eyes were still sparkling, but it was an inner light, one he was certain reflected in his own eyes.

“Baron,” she said softly, almost unbelieving.

“Haru,” he said back, and dipped his head down to rest his forehead against hers.

“NOOO!!” An unholy screech erupted from Lady Nix, causing the pair to look up as she stood from her throne. “That spell was unbreakable!”

“Well, it seems you were wrong about that,” Haru said, pressing closer to Baron.

Just then, the clock at the top of the ballroom stuck midnight, and the courtiers started to screech. At the third chime, the doors at the far end of the hall burst open, and Louise, Marianne and Bog King rushed in, an army of fairies, goblins, and elves behind them, their battle cries adding to the din.

Baron pulled Haru to an alcove away from the fighting. Both were unarmed, and in their current states would be liabilities rather than assets.

She looked up to him, ernesty in her eyes. “Baron, do you really?”

“Yes. With all my heart.” He raised a hand to her face, his palm against her cheek.

She leaned into it, just the slightest. “Then kiss me.”

Under no power would be he able to deny her, and so he didn’t.

#tcr birthday bash #tcr birthday bash 2019 #(( Hope ya'll like this! )) #the cat returns #strange magic

[chez-pezeater]

TCR Birthday Bash 2019: Day 4- Prank War

Note: All the characters are humans in this one. Poor Baron, he has his revenge. ^_^

- - - - - - - - - -

‘That’s it. That is it! That is the final straw!’ Baron thought to himself as he stormed out of the house to  the grocery store. ‘I have had it with their ridiculous antics and this confounded prank war!’

If it wasn’t Muta taking advantage of Toto’s birdlike vision by putting cling wrap across doorways, it was Toto removing most of the centers of Muta’s Oreo's and replacing it with toothpaste.

If Toto wasn’t taping Party Poppers to the inside of the mail box knowing Muta was waiting for something in the mail, it was Muta using duck tape on the bathroom door after making a dinner he knew send Toto running to the loo.

On and on and on for the past two weeks this had been going on. With the pranks escalating and becoming even more obnoxious by the day.

Until it finally happened, Baron getting mixed up in their little spat. And it was over something he could not forgive, he could not forget, and could not- no would not let go.

Someone messed with his tea.

Specifically, someone filled one of his specially crafted tea bags and refilled it with instant gravy.

No one touches his tea.

No. One.

When Toto and Muta returned home, they found a note on the front door.

‘Consider this a warning.

I suggest you call a truce before I have to do much worse.

-B’

They exchanged worried looks before unlocking the door and entering the house. The entire living room was covered in tin foil. Everything! From TV to the couch with each cushion individually wrapped. Every CD, DVD, game case and console was wrapped. It even appeared to spread to the rest of the house, including the bathroom!

Toto and Muta looked at one another and nodded in agreement. They maaaaaay have taken their prank war a liiiitle too far.

#TCR #the cat returns #fanfic #tcr birthday bash #tcr birthday bash 2019 #the cat returns fanfics #chezpez writes

[wolfiethewriter]

Tcr birthday bash- prank war.

Summary- a small scene in which Baron loses all his dignity to a whoopee cushion. Much to the amusement of the bureau. Available on ffn.net here- https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13341002/1/ and ao3 momentarily. Prank War The sound of quiet snickering filled the bureau, and Baron sighed. Ah yes, April 1st. No doubt the others were cooking up some fresh attempt to humiliate him in some way. As was the human custom - and now the bureau's too, ever since Haru - on this day. Luckily for Baron, he had excellent reflexes. Thay coupled with their poor planning enabled him to easily escape their childish pranks. There'd been many over the years. The paint bucket on the door (he'd kept dry with an umbrella). The frog in his teacup (carefully avoided by making a fresh brew). The glitter bomb (easily contained and cleaned up with a little creation magic. All wasted attempts at embarrassing him. He wondered what they'd planned this year. "Honestly, what ARE you lot snickering about?" Baron asked, somewhat exasperated. Immediately the giggling silenced. "Oh, nothing, nothing," Haru said sweetly. Innocently sipping her tea. Baron eyed her for a moment and then watched her, Toto and Muta return to their card game. Haru was getting them all into Uno and they were both rather enjoying it. Baron was just grateful for the bickering to stop for a while. He sighed and walked over to the chair at his desk and sat down ready to enjoy a spot of tea. Only, when his bottom hit the chair, there was a long, loud sound of a fart. Baron was mortified. For the sound hadn't come from him at all. The rest of the bureau collapsed into a fit of laughter and giggling. Baron stood abruptly and loomed down at his chair. Horrified but not surprised. His dignity.... shattered by a simple whoopee cushion. He held up the offending item to the others. "You are all children!" He said. "Yeah," Haru smirked. "But we got you good."

#Tcr birthday bash 2019 #prank war #tcr fanfic #tcr #humour #Baron losing his dignity #to a whoopee cushion #basically a fleshed.out tcr shitpost that amuses me #I laughed harder than I should at this idea #like 'can't even breathe' levels of laughing #one day I will write serious fic

[tcrmommabear]

TCR Birthday Bash Day #2

Hey y’all, this is fucking 3,308 words long. This thing comes to a hearty fucking  8 pages on my Google document, and I’m not kidding, this is entirely the reason why I’m so behind on every other prompt. I was going to spend the day before each prompt, post it in the morning, work on the next.

Then this just kept growing. And growing. And, holy hell of the high seas, GROWING.

It’s an entire fanfic by itself. Please, enjoy what I’ve suffered through.

***

What We Left Behind on the High Seas

He found her on the deck, staring out after the sea. It wasn’t hard, not many places to hide, but still. When Haru didn’t want to be found, she never would be. An annoying skill, if it hadn’t also saved their hinds a dozen and one times, or taken them to parts of the world he never thought they’d see.

He wishes they could go back to those times, thinks maybe they could, one day. But a daughter and impending doom doesn’t undo 20 years of bad blood. Trust me, he tried.

The bag drops by her feet, clothes and enough gold to keep the loosest lips sealed. She glances down at it, then back at him, a single eyebrow raised.

“Cutting tail and running, huh?” she drawled, no more surprised than a dog finding a flea by it’s paw.

“Well,” he begins, stretching his shoulders before leaning over the rail, “I’ve got a reputation to uphold. Without a reputation, what do any of us really have?”

She laughs, short and dry, but a pleasant and oh, so familiar sound. He wonders if she longs for what they used to have, especially after the truth of what ruined their lives came to light. Not a betrayal from him, not a lie from her. Just the jealousy of a cabin boy neither could remember the name of until today. The same one leading the British Armada, that tried to steal their daughter, and, pretty important, try to kill them multiple times over.

(And manage to, back before they learned who he was, years ago.)

Still, they stand together, each having fought to bring the other back. Maybe because, despite every ugly word and bitter feeling they harbored towards each other, the world felt a little too scary, a little too empty without the other.

He breathed in deep, took in the briney air, salt stinging against his throat and lungs. It felt better than the words he wanted to speak.

“Will you take my only rowboat, or at least wait for us to make port before departing?” she asked, wind ruffling what pieces of hair that escaped the tie. The sight stirred something deep within him, the memory of brighter skies and equal, wonderful views. The thought of land makes his knees buckle, a drink begging for his hand. He didn’t want to wait.

“No, a boat will work just fine for me. I’d hate to slow down your quest to kill yourself,” he responded. His words were sharp, but gave no sting. Flippant concern. Haru hummed, mirroring his pose to watch the sea of pitch pass them by.

He looked at her. Really looked at her.

They’d faced impossible odds, been killed and brought back more times than either cared to admit. He had never seen her so calm. So settled into her skin, like something weighed down her bones and sunk her down to her heels. Crows feet, the beginnings of frown lines. There was a day, a time, a moment when he thought he’d see that form on both their faces. He knew she’d never admit to thinking the same. Neither would, really. Just keep it safe in their thoughts.

The same way they’d never admit that they didn’t hated the other. Just too stubborn and hurt to fix the mistakes of the past.

“Why are you fighting this battle, Haru?” he asked, watched as she glanced his way and returned to the sea.

“Why not?” she deflected, eyebrow raised to provoke.

“Not really an answer.”

“Well, not really a question, Hunter. What difference does it make? We’re pirates. Don’t really do reasonable.”

He snorted, ignoring the way she looked at him expectantly, knowing his past, and his… Flair. He turned away, using the excuse to look over towards the captain’s quarters. Snow blonde and green eyed. Their greatest treasure, fierce and kind and more of a pirate than either of her parents, sleeping peacefully away.

“You can’t drag her into this, Haru,” he almost begged, wondering if his daughter still got the same nightmares she had when the pair of them had first started sailing together. He heard a shuffle, took it as Haru standing up.

“I’m her mother and it’s her choice. We’ll make that bastard pay for everything.”

“I’m her father and it’s our job to keep her safe. We can’t win this fight, we can’t even begin to hope we have a shot. We just need to go.”

“We?” Haru counters, ruefully, their eyes meeting as their heads turned. His tongue freezes, reminded of stolen chocolate, fresh polished wood, and clean sails. Of betrayal and stranded islands. He broke away first. She knew he would.

“So, just you two, then,” she nodded, and he wanted to know what she really thought. What she felt beneath the polished veneer. He didn’t think she’d let him back in.

“Haru-,” she cut him off, pushing off the rail and walking off towards the stairs leading to the underbelly of the Feral Beast.

“The choice is yours, Hunter, I won’t persuade you either way. But,” she turned, wind ruffling her hair free, strands twisting around her face, “you’ll have to convince Yuki. Because you’ll be dead before you can drag her anywhere against her will.”

His heart twisted, the sight of her back fading away too much, too familiar and cruel. He surged forward, fingers brushing her arm, just enough to get her to stop, to look at him. Her face was neutral, but her eyes betrayed the surprise.

“I never stopped loving you,” he told her, stumbling and breathless and so reminiscent of times long past, but with so much more on the line this go around.

“I never stopped. How could I? I was… Furious, hurt, scared, but I never thought it was because of you. Everything I did, who I became, then and now, has your name written all over it. I couldn’t bear the thought of not being in your life. And… And now I find out we have this beautiful, clever, headstrong pirate of a daughter and I just want to keep her safe. To keep both of you safe.”

Tears well, and when she tries to look away, he gently touches her cheek, turning her back to him. She looks at him, equal parts desolate and in love, and he knows he looks the same. Haru sighs, pulls his hand away, but doesn’t let go.

“I… I can’t say things haven’t changed. I can’t guarantee that what I felt is the same, or as strongly, as purely as before. Time changes everything, no matter how much you struggle against it. But I never stopped loving you, either.”

He felt weightless, floating deep in the sea water. Like he’d leapt between two buildings and stuck the landing when he thought he wouldn’t.

“Please, Haru,” he tries, begging, pleading, hoping, “let’s forget this, all of this. Let’s all go, and hide, live our lives. Death is not worth all of this. Let me keep you both safe...”

She’s quiet, considering, tugging her hands free.

“Cowards die a thousand deaths, but a hero only ever knows one. I don’t need to be protected, I need you to support and understand me, my choice. You don’t have to like it, but I don’t need you disrespecting me, or our daughter, and all we suffered through.”

She puts a step between them, inches of space that feels like miles. She lingers in the doorway, half stepped down the stairs. Waiting. She can’t ask him to stay, and he can’t convince her to go. She has to let go.

“Goodnight… Hunter.”

***

Whoever shakes her awake is gentle, but it doesn’t stop the blind fear burning through her system. Her arms flailing, her leg jerking out, weak and tangled in the blankets. A hand stops her, a heartbroken but kind voice croaks out.

“Hey, hey, easy, it’s me spitfire,” Baron Hunter- her father- soothes, rubbing her arms, and then her back when she sits up. She rubs away what little sleep built in her eyes, but it did no wonders to help her father. He looked like hell, probably felt almost close to it, and she’s sure he knows exactly what the bottom of the ocean looks like.

Still, it’s Baron, the man who took her in, helped her hide and face her fears, searching for the truth of who she was. If only she could have realized sooner. Maybe they wouldn’t be off to die.

“Don’t tell me we’ve already reached port because that was hardly a minute of sleep,” she half yawned, half griped. Baron chuckles, shaking his head no.

“Not yet, snowflake, still have a little while.”

She frowned, cocking her head. She took a moment to really look him over, wondering what would bring him to wake her. Her heart sinks down past her lungs, an aching weight in her stomach.

“Did mom and dad get in a fight?” she jokes, fighting to keep the fear out of her voice. She knows things weren’t good between the two, but she couldn’t imagine them going south so fast. Couldn’t imagine one of them already parting ways. Especially Baron.

“Something like that, snowflake,” he mumbled, taking her hands between his own, “your mother has made up her mind, and she’s going after Hawthorne...”

Not a surprise, Yuki figured. If she hadn’t thought there were already on their way, she would have taken off after the… The mongrel herself.

“-But I’m not going, snowflake. And I want you to come with me.”

Her eyes widened, realizing now what their “fight” had been about. She wanted to be angry, but it was hard when a sleep-deprived brain was still struggling with the implication of it all. When the first person you trusted came by and asked you, finally, for a favor. But one too painful, too much.

“I… I tried to convince your mother, but she made her choice. I want to keep you safe, Yuki. I can’t risk losing you, not after I just found you. I can’t do it,” he whimpered, voice wavering to reach her, to tell her the depth of what he needed. She couldn’t help the feeling of her heart breaking. But…

“Baron-Father. You can’t ask that of me. Please. You can’t leave.”

He shook his head, squeezing her hands, locking her in place.

“Please, snowflake. I can’t do this. Why can’t we go?”

She simmered, chewing on her lip until she could taste the metal. Her heart hammered, fury and sorrow and righteous indignation burning through her being.

“Because what’s going to stop Hawthorne? Who is going to stop him? He’s just going to keep destroying peoples’ lives, killing our friends and family until he gets what he wants. And it doesn’t matter what he wants. Because all it is annihilating anyone who stands in his way.”

“Yuki, please, you don’t know what you’re going up against…”

“He’s a monster! Okay, let’s look at this- he betrayed you and mom, turning each other against each other for some petty reason, he tried to force me to marry him all because I happened to be your daughter, and, to top it off, in the grand scheme of things, has been hunting pirates in the off chance that he might meet you and mom and kill you. Which he has done!”

Baron flinched, pressing his forehead against her hands, but she yanked them away, letting him rest his head against her bed.

“Please, Yuki, Yuki, my daughter, my sweet…”

Daughter.

She flinches back, slamming her back against the wall of the ship, bared her fangs she practiced having for the streets and the battles she never knew she’d actually see.

“Right, my father. Tell me, how has the child-rearing gone the past few hours, because I don’t remember it the last 20 years.”

Baron jerked back up, eyes watering, jaw dropped like an anchor and twice as heavy. She tried not to feel guilty.

“Snowflake, Yuki, that’s not-!”

“What?” she hissed, throwing the blanket over his head and storming past as he struggled free, “Not fair?! Not right?! How do you think I feel?! I finally, finally have a family, my life’s one treasure, the one thing I’ve been looking for my entire life, and I almost watched some… Some…”

She struggles with the right words, running through the swears taught to her over their travels.

“Some… Sodding, dickless, bastard with the face of a jack’s ass almost kill you! Kill my mother! Tell me, oh father of the past six hours, how is any of this right!?”

He looks down, fiddling with the blanket between his hands. His shoulders are tight, lip trembling. Her heart aches.

“Don’t ask me to go,” she pleads, “please. I need to do this. I can’t let him get away with this… I can’t say no to you, so please don’t ask me to go. Because the reason I’m here is because of you.”

He didn’t give her a response, stares at the hands that had begun shaking long before and had never stopped. The bag is swept into his arms, and he’s crossed the distance before she can breathe another word. His arms are warm, smelling of salt and what she can only describe as love, and she hugs him back.

She lets him go.

***

The rowboat is gone in the morning. They found it on the docks, a kindly fisherman holding watch. Before they can even ask, he’s walked away, nary a word. Haru and Yuki say nothing to each other, the missing third enough of a wound without the salt of 20 missed years. They may be strangers, but Yuki knew Baron well enough. Too well, if the rowboat was any hint.

They continue to sail, straight to the end of the line.

***

Hawthorne is on the agreed upon island, more a peak of sand than a true land mass. White sails filled the sky, stormless clouds with red flag lightning. He smiles, tips his hat with a flourish Yuki was sure he was trying to copy from… Someone else.

Her mother, still the picture of calm, only nods her head.

“Well, my ladies, I see our time is upon us. I don’t suppose we could settle this easily, per my previous terms?”

Haru scoffed, “What, me in the brig and your hands on my daughter? Not a chance.”

He looked expectantly at Yuki, eyebrow raised. She bared her fangs.

“Eat shit and live through to enjoy it, pig.”

Hawthorne sighed, settled his hat upon his head, “Very well, option B, then.”

His sword was drawn, loud and dramatic and heading to Haru’s throat.

There was a distant rumble, the crash of cannon fire.

All three paused, looked back at the armada of white, curling and collapsing inward as ships descended upon it, sails of Wicked Crows and Cat’s Paws emerged from within.

Panic crept into Hawthorne’s voice, a trembling and furious “What?!” climbing in octaves as the battle raged. Ships were decimated, quickly and efficiently, red British flags replaced with the black skull and bones. There was the boom of another canon firing, close as a ship surroundings the island filled the air with shattered wood.

“Excuse me, you three down there? My clever wife and talented daughter? Are you going to stand there being dramatic all day, or are we going to actually have a war today?!” a voice called out, a fast approaching ship carrying a figure in the crow’s nest, standing on the rail and leaning to the farthest point possible by a rope. The figure waved, highlighted by the flapping flag of a broken crown.

Haru grins, voice filled with false annoyance and genuine glee, “Such a fashionably late entrance, did your cape get caught in the door?!”

“You can nag me about my timing later, my love,” Baron roared back, over the sound of cannons and wind and waves, “but I’d start running!”

The trio paused to look at each other, frozen for a moment as each considering who’ll make the first move.

“Fuck it-!” Yuki screeches, kicking her foot to throw up a flurry of sand, smacking straight in Hawthorne’s face. She grabs her mother’s arm, tugging her towards the ship closing in fast. The old wood groans under the strain, sharply turning almost impossibly fast. Ropes woosh out, just within their grasp. Haru takes the lead, launching forward, grabbing the rope and locking arms with Yuki.

She tugs, pulling Yuki close, and letting her gain a purchase. She slips free, tumbling as she hears Hawthorne call out, “Someone!! Anyone! Stop them!”

“Well, fuck…” Haru mumbles, rushing to stand, readying her sword. Soldiers storm towards her, more than she’s possibly sure she can take. Anything to give her daughter time to climb, and the ship to kickstart and take off.

“Mm, no you don’t, Chicky,” a familiar voice gruffed, a shadow dropping down in the sand in front of her, blocking the vision of the guards surrounding her. An arm wraps around her stomach, giving three hearty spins, before launching her in the air. The feeling is familiar, and through the panic writhing in her stomach, she streamlines, hovering in the air weightless, before landing with a familiar roll.

She drops the sword, races to the edge, and pulls Yuki to the top, Muta hanging onto the end with one arm as the ship pulls away. Faces fill her vision, swimming between the adrenaline and tears, friends and family pulling to embrace her and her daughter.

“Look alive, people, we still have a war to win!” Toto called out, leaning over the rain beside Haru to the remnants of British ships beginning to push through, heading steadily towards their ship from all directions.

“We won the first battle, my friend, who cares how the rest of the war will fare when we’ve already made history?” Baron dropped from the ladder, gently pushing through the crowd to stand before his family.

Her heart pounded, knocking against her ribs and asking to be let free. She crossed her arms, eyed him over as he stood, taking in the familiar cape, the cocked captain’s hat, and the smirk slowly coming back into his smile.

Tried, measured…

“You’re late.”

“By all accounts, I arrived just in the knick of time-.”

“-And who are you calling “your wife”?-”

“We’re practically married-.”

“-If so, I want a divorce-!”

“-Haru, please, not in front of the children-!”

“Mom, dad,” Yuki interjected, giddy and alive and very aware that could change, “save the flirting for later? We’re literally in the middle of a war.”

Baron laughed, tossing his cape in a way Haru would never admit still made her swoon. All of this was so much easier when he wasn’t saying they were married and acting like a father. She’d have to fix the technicality of not being married.

“Never fear, Snowflake. I think we’ve just begun. Everyone? Places! We’re about to meet the middle of it.”

The others rushed off, lingering touches on Haru’s shoulders and Yuki’s hands, before it was the trio still left at the head of the ship. Haru took his hand.

“What took you so long, anyways?” she asked, staring down the hellfire battle.

“Well, you wouldn’t believe how long a good cape takes to find. Worse than finding Sephie and Louise when they don’t-...”

“I meant… You. This you. Where have you been, Baron?”

His eyes softened, wrapping his arms around Haru and Yuki’s shoulders. Around the only things that mattered in his life.

“I needed time to think. You.. Were right. I’d rather die here than live without either of you. Living as a coward when I knew I could be a hero.”

They all smiled, racing down the barrel of the run and straight into the fray. 

#tcr #the cat returns #tcr au #tcr pirate au #tcr birthday bash #tcr birthday bash 2019 #tcr bday bash #pirates au #i loved this so much #i loved tearing everybody apart #also there were italics and bolds and stuff #and im not fucking going through this again for that shit #so no special ~detailing~ #tcrmommabear writes #tcrmommabear posts #tcrmommabear #fanfic #fanfiction #tcr fanfic #tcr fanfiction #god help me #long fic #long piece #tcr bday bash day 2

[deedee-sunflowers]

Day two of the Birthday Bash up on ao3

#tcr birthday bash #tcr birthday bash 2019 #the cat returns

[catsafarithewriter]

Me @ me for the birthday bash

#tcr birthday bash 2019 #tcr birthday bash #hello i'm so late my lovelies #the free day one should break you though #look forward to that #first i need to freaking write it #calvin and hobbes #last minute panic #memes #writing #fanfiction

[catsafarithewriter]

From the resent promt list (if you feel up to it): 15 (“I’ve come to the conclusion that I can no longer rely on you to make any rational decisions.") for Baron and Haru. Have fun! :)

Day 4: Prank War

A/N: So I am definitely cheating and re-purposing a half-written prompt I got sent ages ago (sorry, nalua!) for Day 4: Prank War of the TCR Birthday Bash. This is a human AU ficlet. 

Based on this post.

x

Having Louise for a sister meant that Baron wasn’t entirely unaccustomed to strange messages at stranger times of day. 

Like the time she had texted that there was an intruder making noises in her bathroom, and only later sent a photo of a ROOMBA hover trapped behind the door that her landlord had set to automatic. 

(Baron had been halfway to her house armed with a crowbar before the situation had been resolved.)

Or the week that she communicated solely in memes.

(She sent him the entirety of the Bee movie. Twice.)

Or the 11pm text demanded to know which Greek philosopher followed Plato.

(Aristotle. It was Aristotle. And she was cheating in a pub quiz.)

(She won.) 

So he wasn’t completely shocked when he received the frustratingly contextless text stipulating the urgent need for him to send a photo of a shaved leg.

He scanned the message for signs of any obvious typos and, when he came to the reluctant conclusion that Louise had meant what she’d said, sent back, “Why?”

“it’ll be funny”

“You already have shaved legs. Take your own picture”

“a guy accidentally messaged me and he wants a pic”

“There are easier ways to pick up guys. Also. You already have a girlfriend??”

“I KNOW. god. okay but he’s being creepy and needs to be taken down like a 100 pegs you’re my big brother aren’t you meant to protect me?”

“We’re twins, Louise”

“an even better reason why you should be helping me twinkie”

“*twinnie damn autocorrect”

Baron ignored the mistake. “You were born first”

“taller = big brother”

“You’ve been calling yourself the ‘alpha twin’ for years”

“your point is?”

Baron didn’t reply. 

Eventually, Louise sent, “Humbeeeeeeerrt”

“Do you know how much effort it takes to shave a leg?”

“try shaving two on a regular basis. it sucks. okay but seriously H this guy has obviously pressured some girl into giving him her number and the fake one she gave just happens to be mine I’m not going to throw this chance away come on he’s an absolute Creep he asked for a shower pic I NEED to troll him”

Baron stared at the almost incomprehensible mess of run-on sentences, weighing up the options as if he wasn’t already mentally commited to the cause. 

“How much leg do you need?”

“!!! Thank you!! also as much as you can convincingly pass for a lady”

“How long is this going to take?”

“lol like no time at all”

x

There was no answer at Baron’s door when Haru knocked, so she let herself in with her spare key and found the beginnings of dinner in the works. It looked like Baron had at least selected out the food - pots and pans arranged and the vegetables ready to be prepared - but that was where it ended. Which was a pretty long way off completion, considering that she had been promised a meal. The radio was faintly playing and the lights were still on. 

So. A tad horror movie-esque. 

She knocked hesitantly on a wall and called up, “Uh, is anyone home?”

There was a noise from the floor above, and she cautiously took to the stairs. If this was a horror movie, she considered, she’d probably be the first to die. Curiosity and the cat and all. 

The sounds of life - or, at least, movement - lead her to the bathroom door and she gently nudged it open. 

She stared. 

Baron stared back. 

He flashed a nervous grin. “Hello, Haru.”

“We were going to have dinner, remember?” she asked, latching onto the sole remnant of logic she had left. “You invited me over, remember?”

Baron looked at her, and then at the single, hairless leg sticking out of the bathtub. “Ah.”

“Yes,” Haru agreed. “Ah.” 

She swept her gaze over the scene before her: her boyfriend predominantly hidden beneath a layer of bubbles save for his head, his phone in one hand, and that immaculately shaved leg tipped with hot pink nail polish. 

“I like the toes,” she eventually settled on.

Baron wiggled his foot. “A bit brighter than my usual shade, I’ll admit, but I think it suits me.”

“Is it mine?”

“To be fair, I didn’t have any other to use.”

A beat went by. Haru had exhausted all other possible lines of conversation and Baron seemed unusually taciturn. She inhaled and then sighed heavily into her facepalming hand. “Alright. Alright. Now I’ve come to the conclusion that I can no longer rely on you to make any rational decisions, can you tell me what the hell is going on?”

He looked at her, and then his phone, his leg, and then back to her. “A favour for my sister?” he offered.

“Oh god, is she blackmailing you again?”

“No!” Baron dropped his gaze. “Anyway, she doesn’t have anything to blackmail me with since I asked you out.”

“Sure. And what kind of favour-not-blackmail requires you to pose so prettily for the world’s most misleading selfie when we’re meant to be having dinner?”

“She’s trolling a guy.”

A flicker of understanding - far faster than Baron had pegged Louise’s plan - flashed across Haru’s face. “Oh. Ohhh.”

Baron raised an eyebrow. “The speed at which you accepted that alarms me.”

“Then you’ve never been chatted up by a guy who won’t leave you alone,” Haru answered and, fair enough, Baron conceded, she had a point. “Have you sent Louise the picture?”

He nodded, and she motioned for him to hand her the phone. “Now, dry yourself off and get some clothes on so we can have dinner. I’m starving.”

x

It was just as they were moving onto pudding that there was a ring at the door and Louise arrived in a flurry of chaos and dramatics. She flounced to the spare seat at the table with, “I got a reply from leg guy!”

Baron paused in sharing out the tiramisu to give his sister a withering look. “Hello to you too, Louise.”

“Leg guy?” Haru echoed. “Is that what we’re calling him now?”

“Well, there are other things I could call him that would be far less suitable for the dinner table. Hi Haru.”

Haru couldn’t help it. She grinned. “Heya, Louise. Baron’s told me all about your trolling plan.” 

“I take it you approve?”

“I love it. So, what did he say?”

“He wants to see the rest of me.”

Both ladies looked to Baron. 

“I’m not shaving my other leg,” he immediately said. 

Louise’s phone beeped, and she pulled it up. “Oh wow, I leave him on ‘read’ for five minutes and he’s already getting lewd. Trust me, guys, I’m saving you by not showing that pic. Whoever Yuki is, she dodged a bullet.”

Haru suddenly went very quiet. “He thinks he’s talking to a Yuki?” she eventually asked. 

“Yeah… why…?”

“I told a guy who was hitting on me last night that my name was Yuki,” Haru said, her voice getting progressively lowering with every admission. “And gave him a fake number.”

“You gave him my number,” Louise corrected.

“I thought it was random!” Haru cried. “I was picking numbers out of my head, I didn’t mean to pick an actual number I knew!”

“You told him your name was Yuki?”

“It was the name of the cat I had as a kid,” Haru admitted miserably. “I did tell him I was taken. And, even if I wasn’t, I wouldn’t have been interested. He was a creep.”

Louise elbowed her brother. “See? I told you he was a creep.”

“Yes, yes, your intuition is very smart,” Baron dutifully replied. “Now, hand me this phone so I can teach this creep a lesson.”

Louise hesitated. “Baron, I love you, but I am not burying a body for you.” 

“The only thing I’m going to be killing today is this snivelling brat’s ego.” 

Louise raised an eyebrow and, after sharing a shrug with Haru, passed across her phone. Baron set to taking a selfie. 

“What if he’s bi?” Haru asked suddenly.

“Or pan?” Louise added.

Baron sent the photo and hesitated. “Then I guess I have a date.”

Louise flicked a piece of tiramisu at him. “You also have a girlfriend.”

“The offer of a date,” Baron quickly amended. There was a ping from Louise’s phone, and the two ladies watched as his eyebrows rose. “Or not.” The eyebrows rose a little further. “I’m vaguely impressed by how many times he manages to repeat the same word in various forms. That is a one-word vocabulary and no mistake.”

“Give,” Louise commanded.

“Hang on, I have an idea.” He quickly took another photo, this one highlighting the stark comparison between the shaved and non-shaved parts of his leg, his face visible just to make his identity abundantly clear. “I don’t want him getting any ideas about my first photo being anything but mine.” 

Following that, Louise’s phone beeped several more times in rapid succession, each one shorter than the previous. Louise finally managed to snatch back her phone. “Are you quite done?”

“It looks like he’s had enough for today.”

“Yeah, no shit.” Louise’s eyes widened as she scrolled through the waves of swearing she’d received. Haru leant over her shoulder and gave an appreciative whistle. 

“You weren’t kidding about the vocab thing,” Haru said. “Oh, wait, he got inventive - there’s a ‘mother’ in front of that one. And... he’s finished.” She gave an impish grin. “Well. On to dessert.” 

x

Baron had almost forgotten about the incident until a week later, when Louise texted him again. 

“message from leg guy’s number again” she sent.

Baron paused in his book to answer back. “Is it an apology?”

“not from him”

“?”

“from his flatmate. he apologises for his ex-friend and wants to know if you’re single. name’s Toto”

“You know I’m taken??”

“that’ll be a no then”

#nalua93 #replies #tcr birthday bash 2019 #tcr birthday bash #the cat returns #cat writes #day 4 prank war #fun times after the previous prompt

[catsafarithewriter]

Day 3: Angels and Demons

A/N: Oh grimm, I’m behind schedule. Oops? Anyway, please enjoy!

x

Toto had tried the distant guardian angel approach for nearly two millennia before deciding it wasn’t for him. 

He appreciated the logic. After all, mortals had such brief lifespans that it was foolish to get too close - and guardian angels got plenty close given their innate bond with their mortal-of-the-generation. But, after centuries of watching from afar, he had received a most unusual mortal. 

“Yer gonna get in trouble for it,” Muta said. 

“With who?” Toto asked. He sat atop the museum rooftop, watching people scurry from one fleeting moment to the next, a half-ghost amid the city’s smog. “There’s no actual rule saying we can’t meet our mortal. In fact,” he continued, a smidgen too smugly to be simply pointing out fact, “the occasional interaction is encouraged. Give them a little nudge in the right direction and all.”

“Yeah, emphasis on the occasional. I’m jus’ saying, there’s a reason we keep our distance.”

“You spend almost all your time in mortal shape in the Human World,” Toto reminded his fellow guardian, a tad accusingly. 

“As a cat, yeah. I never actually start a conversation with anyone.”

“Probably because you have nothing good to say.”

“Cause the world just ain’t ready for me yet.”

Toto snorted, but didn’t take the bait.

They watched the world below in silence. 

“I mean,” Toto continued eventually, “he’s barely mortal anyway. So it doesn’t count.”

“He’ll die one day.”

“Not for a long while yet. Not within a human lifespan.”

“Maybe.”

Toto cast his gaze across at the other angel. “You’re just a ray of sunshine, anyone ever tell you that?”

“Yeah, yeah.”

Another silence passed. This time it was Muta who broke it. 

“So yer all set then? Yer really gonna meet him?”

“I think so.”

“How’s that even gonna go? Are ya just gonna be like, hey, I’m yer guardian angel, be not afraid?”

“Give me a little credit. I’ll introduce myself as a creature like him. A Creation. That should bypass any questions about my own long lifespan.”

“Oh, lying. Are ya sure that’s allowed?”

“Well, if I don’t burst into blasphemous flames, I’ll assume so.”

“Yer picked a mortal shape yet?”

“I don’t know.” Toto watched the dimming horizon, the silhouettes of seagulls stark against the rosy sky. “I’m thinking something with wings. Something unremarkable. A corvid, maybe.” 

“I always knew you had a birdbrain.”

“Very funny.”

Muta caught Toto’s eye, and the smile wasn’t entirely sure. “Jus’, ya know, don’t get too attached. Even Creations can die.”

Toto grinned. “He’s practically immortal. Unless he’s stupid, he’ll be around for a good long while yet.”

x

“So. How’s the fake-immortal?”

“Stupid.”

Muta chortled. “Told ya it was a mistake.”

“It’s not a mistake,” Toto retorted. He shuffled his wings - the mortal bird form was still taking some getting used to, even now - and tried to look unruffled. “I’m making far more progress working alongside him than I would watching from afar. It’s just...” He cawed in disgruntlement and tried again. “It’s just he keeps running into stupid situations.”

“So he thinks he’s immortal. Got it.”

“No, it’s not that, it’s...” And Toto struggled to pin down exactly what kind of mental pathways went on in his charge’s head. “Well, maybe partly, but... he’s just very bad at making plans that work. And sticking to them. And aren’t needlessly dramatic. He somehow ended up trapped in a dog kennel last week while trying to find a little girl’s lost toy. I had to fly in to get him out.”

Muta grunted. “Oh yeah, you got that Bureau thing happening. How’s it going?”

“It’s... doing its job.” 

“Which is?”

“It gives him a purpose.” Toto was silent for a moment, and for once Muta didn’t take the opportunity to butt in. “You and I have each other, but Creations are so rare that if I wasn’t there, he’d be alone. The Bureau gives him... something. Not that we get many clients, but... it’s a start. It helps.”

“Yeah,” Muta grunted. He sounded like he had thoughts on his mind, and Toto would have teased him for it, but something stayed his beak this time. “So the Bureau helps people out, right?”

“Yes...?”

Muta took another moment to think. “Yer want to help out my human?”

x

Muta never intended it to become a regular thing. But the years passed and he watched over multiple mortals while Toto remained by the Creation’s side, and somewhere along the way, Muta ended up ferrying more than just his own contemporary human to the Sanctuary’s doors. 

Sometimes it was for big things. For when the magical world spilled over onto humanity and some poor human ended up way in over their head. For people who really didn’t have anywhere else to go but to turn to a strange little Bureau populated by talking cats and crows. 

But sometimes, when the Bureau had had few guests and fewer clients, and Toto worried over his mortal charge, littler problems would find their way to the Bureau’s doorstep. Things that wouldn’t matter in the long run, that didn’t need magic to solve. But Muta led them to the Sanctuary anyway. 

x

So when his current human - a teen girl, young and awkward and far too reckless for a mortal body - found herself engaged to a Cat Prince against all her wishes, he knew just where to take her.

He did not, however, expect her - years later - to return. 

Or to stay. 

x

Or to complicate matters.

x

Muta was sitting outside the Bureau when Toto returned to the Sanctuary. 

“We have a problem.”

Muta barely looked over his newspaper. “He’s your mortal, your problem.”

“It’s not-- well,” Toto amended, “it’s not just him.” He nodded towards the Bureau’s interior, where their respective charges were making tea and conversation. “It’s him and her. Both of them.”

“Yer telling me.”

Toto looked down his beak at Muta. “Don’t you pay any attention to your mortal?”

“Sure I do. She didn’t get married off to the Cat King, did she?”

“So you keep reminding me.”

Muta huffed and folded his paper. “Alright, beaky, I’ll bite. What have they done now?”

“It isn’t a matter of what they have done as what they aren’t doing.”

“Yer speaking in riddles, birdbrain. Cut it out.”

“Have you checked Haru’s connections?”

Muta squinted sceptically at Toto. “Is this one of those trick question things where I’m meant to have checked every other month cause, if so, yes.”

Toto sighed. “Just do it.”

Muta continued squinting for another dubious moment before turning his attention to Haru. He could see the strings of connection running out from her - to her mother, to her friends, to Muta and Toto, to Baron...

“Oh heck.”

The string between Haru and Baron was a deep, burning red. 

“When...?”

“Long enough that they should have done something about it by now.”

Muta scoffed. “That ain’t Haru’s fault. It’s your mortal with the emotional constipation.”

“That’s not--”

“Your words, not mine.”

“Toto didn’t speak immediately, pouting in the ensuing silence. Then, “We’re their guardian angels. We should do something.”

“Why? People fall in love all the time, no biggie.”

“He doesn’t. Not like this.”

Muta scoffed. Again. “How old is he? And yer telling me he’s never fallen in love before?”

“Crushes and curiosity, yes,” Toto confirmed. “But this... is much more long-term. This is staying.” This could make things complicated.

Muta hesitated. The bond between Haru and Baron wasn’t just built from love, but from trust and friendship and a thousand little moments. With any other mortal, he could just sit back and watch life take its course. Naturally, it would be Toto’s charge who would be the exception.

“Fine. Do you have a plan?”

“The beginnings of one.”

Muta grunted. Like mortal, like guardian. “And?”

“How familiar are you with Disney’s The Little Mermaid?”

“No. No way.”

x

Angels couldn’t rewrite reality, but they could... sweetalk it, given the right motivation. 

So it perhaps wasn’t wholly unexpected that it was a perfect summer’s evening, that night upon the lake’s water, or that when the breeze rippled through the reeds a gentle tune whistled. 

It was, and Toto was quite proud of the fact, the perfect romantic setting. 

“This has to be,” Muta said, interupting Toto’s little moment of pride, “and you’ve have a lotta prize-winning moments over the centuries, the dumbest idea you’ve ever had. And that includes the noodle incident.” 

“I didn’t see you offering any better ideas, furball.”

“I wanna see how badly this fails so I can laugh about it later.”

“Thanks. Your support is appreciated.”

Toto watched as Baron jumped down into the boat and offer a hand to Haru. Not that he was ever going to admit as much to Muta, but Toto hadn’t been entirely sure they would even get this far. It had taken a fair bit of gentle shoving - both verbal and mental - to get Baron to take the hint and invite Haru out on a definitely-not-date romantic evening.

Emotionally constipated indeed.

As Haru hopped down from the pier, an errant wave lapped against the boat and sent her stumbling. Baron shifted his grip within a heartbeat, catching her and suddenly they were so very close. 

Then they both coughed awkwardly and moved away. 

Toto shot a questioning look to Muta. 

“What?” Muta demanded. “If you’re gonna meddle, I don’t see why I can’t have a little fun too.” 

x

Haru settled into the boat, trying desperately to believe her blush was because of her near miss into the water and not for any more, uh, people-orientated reasons. She made a good show of examining the lake they were rowing across until she could be sure she could look at Baron without recalling the passing proximity of his eyes. 

“So,” she managed eventually, “what exactly are we doing out here?”

Baron raised an eyebrow. “Did you not read the report?”

“I tried, but it was all Latin names and science. I mean, what’s a Balaenoptera caelum?”

“I believe the common name for the species is sky whale.”

“Well, why couldn’t they just say that?” Haru paused. “What, really?”

“Yes.”

“As in actual, whales-in-the-sky, those kinds of sky whales?”

“Yes.”

Haru took a moment, and then sat back. “Okay,” she said, “it’s official. This just got ten times cooler.” Her attention returned to Baron. “And we’re here because...?”

“Because once every decade, the juvenile sky whales leave their birthwaters and take to the sky for the first time. It’s meant to be quite spectacular, so I’ve heard.”

Haru was silent. Then, “This isn’t a case is it?”

“Not in the usual sense, no. We have no client, but Toto made a good point that it would be a rather unmissable experience.”

“He says and then misses it.”

“Yes,” Baron mused. “That did seem rather odd.”

“And Muta.”

“Yes.”

Haru thought. “Did you get the sense they were trying to get us out of the Sanctuary?” she asked eventually. 

“The thought has crossed my mind, but I couldn’t discern for what reason they would want that.”

“We’re probably going to return and find the Bureau covered in toilet roll.”

“A daunting prospect if they could work together for five minutes without devolving into fighting.”

Haru snorted. “Oh god, it’s like leaving the children at home. I wonder what they’re up to now...”

x

“Are they still jus’ talking?”

“Give it time.”

“They’ve had time. Three years of it.”

Toto’s beak was set in a thin line. “Give it time.”

But still, he couldn’t resist. He sent a cold wind their way. 

x

The air shifted and Haru shivered as an icy breeze rippled across her skin. She jarred mid-sentence with a teeth-chattering rattle. “I’m okay,” she managed, pulling her thin jacket closer. “I just should have brought a thicker coat. Geez, I thought it was meant to be a mild summer’s evening.”

A light-grey jacket came into view. 

“Aren’t you going to get cold?” Haru asked.

He flashed her a warm smile. “You forget. Creation.”

x

Muta raised an eyebrow at his fellow angel. “Cheap shot.”

x

Something rocked the boat. Haru jolted upright, heart-pounding from too many cases where things that rocked boats usually wanted to eat them. Baron must have seen the thought skitter across her mind, for he gestured to her that everything was under control. 

She had been on too many cases for it to assure her completely, but it did stop her from retrieving her heavy duty torch from her bag and wielding it like a crowbar. 

“I think it’s beginning,” he whispered. “Listen.”

Haru did. At the edge of her hearing, there was the faint undercurrent of sound that she had previously mistaken for the breeze, but now it was growing and swelling and twisting into something resembling... “Music?”

Baron nodded. “All sky whales have their own unique songs. We are the first ones to hear these.” 

The boat rocked again, and Haru shifted onto Baron’s side. “If I’m going overboard, you’re coming with me,” she whispered. 

“That seems reasonable.”

“Oh, shush.” 

The song rose and tumbled and suddenly a grey form was breaking the water’s surface. Eyes. Head. Mouth. And then flippers and back and tail... and suddenly no part of the whale was touching the water anymore. 

Haru leant slowly against Baron, her heart pounding with the fear of a small primate coming across something very big and very scary and realising why they evolved to leave the ocean all those years ago. She licked her lips. Her mouth was dry. “Uh,” she said intelligently. 

Baron looked to her questioningly. 

“Big whales,” she croaked.

“These are just the juveniles.” He tilted his head. “Are you okay?”

“Big flying whales,” she managed. “Yeah, I’m fine, just... Big.” Another head breached the surface, and a sound caught between awe and rabbit-in-the-headlights caught in Haru’s throat. “Oh my god, there’s more.”

x

“It’s still not working.”

“Oh shut up.”

“You got any last minute plans up your wing?”

Toto grimaced. “Just the one.” 

He gave reality another shove. 

x

Once her initial instinctive reaction had been forcefully put down, Haru had to admit that it was pretty amazing. The whales seemed happy to pass the little boat by without incident, except for the occasional curious glance, and the air was now alive with the thrum of melody. 

Baron was giving her another questioning look. 

“What?” she asked.

“You’re humming.”

“So? It’s catchy.” 

“All sky whale songs are unique. You shouldn’t be able to hum it.”

“Sure, but it sounds... familiar.” Still, she hummed along a little louder, trying to work out what it reminded her of. “There you see her... duh duh duh blue lagoon... mmmm one way to ask her... she won’t say a word, not a single word, go on and--”

She froze. 

“Oh my god.”

“What is it?” Baron asked.

“Oh my god,” was all she could say. Her face was burning. She ducked her head into her hands, her words muffled. “I know why Toto and Muta sent us out here.”

“Why?”

She raised her eyes above her fingers, her expression caught between hysteria and indignation. “I literally cannot tell you.”

“Haru?”

“It wasn’t to toilet paper the Bureau.”

“Haru?”

She exhaled, long and slow and steadying. “I’m am going to kill them.”

x

“Oh dear,” said Toto. “I think we’re in trouble.”

#day 3 angels and demons #tcr birthday bash #tcr birthday bash 2019 #the cat returns #cat writes #hopefully the concept got across? #toto is the guardian angel of baron #muta of haru #set compatibly with the movie #you ever get to a point where its like #this isn't poetry but it'll have to do? #i really wanted muta and toto be stuck singing kiss the girl #but i just couldn't make it happen #you know what just take this #have fun #i didn't beat shelby #but this is still 2.5K #i regret nothing #it started off as kinda bittersweet #and ended up as crack #oops

[catsafarithewriter]

Day 2: Pirates

A/N: Day 2 of the TCR Birthday Bash was Pirates, so I decided to go with that little pirate au we have floating around. This is set after Baron has been brought onto Haru’s ship and is just getting to grips with his situation. 

x

One of the first rules about getting kidnapped by pirates was to remain calm. 

(Baron was fairly sure the very first rule was not to get kidnapped at all, but it was a little too late for that.)

Still, he eyed the captain and her first mate - the latter built like a mountain and the former seemingly tiny in comparison - and did his best to appear nonchalant. He wasn’t sure he managed it. 

“If you’re planning on demanding a ransom,” he said, “you should know my sister has always wanted to be an only sibling.”

“Ransom?” the captain echoed, a note of disapproval in her voice. “Whoever said we were ransoming you?”

Her first mate grunted. “Ain’t a bad idea though.” 

She tutted. “We have bigger fish to fry, Muta.”

“Yeah, yeah.”

Baron glanced uneasily between them. They hadn’t seen fit to tie him to his seat, so either they were very confident in their abilities or very stupid. He decided, for his own safety, to side with the former. “So...” he said slowly, aware he might not like the answer, “if you’re not ransoming me, then why kidnap me?”

“Kidnap?” the captain repeated, and she sounded almost amused. She looked to her first mate. “Oh no, I wouldn’t call it a kidnapping. I would call it... How did I put it earlier, Muta? I believe I said something rather good.”

“Borrowing without permission, yer said.”

She snapped her fingers. “That was it.” She grinned. “We’re borrowing you to help with a little job we’ve got going.” She swung down into the seat opposite Baron, close enough that the cutlass at her hip was almost within his reach. She had to know that. You didn’t become captain of a pirate ship without being aware of your surroundings. He assumed. “Tell me,” she continued, “how much do you know about your ancestry?”

He tore his attention away from the cutlass. He saw the first mate watching him carefully, and realised he’d never had a chance. “You kidnapped me to talk about my family tree?”

The captain raised a finger. “Ah, ah, ah, what did we agree on?”

“Borrowed, then,” Baron amended, deciding against pointing out that he had not agreed to one iota of this madness. “If you wanted to discuss bloodlines, you could have achieved that without going to all this effort.”

“And that’s why we need you - bloodlines. More specifically, your blood.” She leant forward, elbows on knees and chin resting on her hands. “Your great-great-great...” She hesitated. “Muta, how many greats was it?”

“Does it matter?”

She clicked her tongue. “I suppose not. Anyway, to put it bluntly, your Great Grandma Ethel was a very good pirate who stole a lot of treasure and sealed it away with blood magic. We found the map to her loot, and now all we need is a little blood from a direct descendant to crack it open.”

“You’re going to kill me?”

She looked at him in disappointment. “Of course not. We’re not savages, you know.”

“No. Just pirates and kidnappers.”

She raised an eyebrow, but didn’t bother to correct him this time around. “We just need a little of your blood. A few drops. A spoonful. A thimble’s worth.” She paused. “Maybe a pint.”

“What?”

“Your grandmother was somewhat loose on the details, and the translation’s kinda shaky,” she admitted. “But we promise you that - save for a little necessary bloodletting - no harm will come to you while aboard my ship.”

Baron pointed to the first mate. “He knocked me out!”

“No more harm will come to you,” the captain amended. She extended a hand. “So, do we have a deal?”

Baron stared. “Why on earth do you think we have a deal?” he asked. Somewhere, in the far reaches of his mind, he was aware he was no longer sounding calm. “Why would I agree to any of this? You stole into my home, knocked me out, and are holding me captive!”

“Captive seems a little harsh.”

“Can I leave?”

“We are currently in the middle of the ocean, so unless you plan on swimming...”

“So I’m trapped,” Baron said. He motioned curtly to himself. “Captive.” He motioned to them. “Captors.” 

“If he’s so eager to be a captive, I say we throw him in the brig,” the first mate said. 

The captain held up a hand to quieten her first mate, but she didn’t seem wholly dismissive of the idea. “I’m sure we can come to some sort of agreement, would you say, your lordship?” She tiled her head. “How does one address a baron?”

“You can just call me Baron.”

The captain beamed. “There we are - we’re already on casual name basis. Unless you’d prefer to go by ‘Humbert’, in which case we can accommodate that.”

“Just Baron will do fine.”

“I like it. Simple. Easy to remember. I’m Haru.”

The first mate’s face soured. “Chicky...”

“What? I’m being nice. I’m very good at being nice. And friendly.” After a pause, punctuated only by silent expressions passed between the two pirates, the captain sighed. “Fine. Baron, it’s Captain Haru to you, and you’ll do well not to forget it. Muta? Would you like to go by First Mate Muta or just Mr Renaldo Moon?”

The first mate grunted. “Don’t care as long as he stays out of my way.”

 Captain Haru nodded. “Okay then.” She looked back to Baron. “So, have you decided how you’ll be travelling with us?”

“My options being...?”

“The brig,” the first mate said. 

Baron paused. “Is there an option B?”

“Staying as our guest,” Captain Haru answered.

“There really isn’t an option C where I get to go home, is there?”

“Oh, you’ll go home,” she said, “but only after we’ve found the treasure.”

Baron thought it over, although there really wasn’t much choice. “You’ll try the droplets of blood option first, right?” he asked eventually. 

“It seems only fair.”

He let another couple of heartbeats pass by. 

“Then,” he said slowly, “I guess you have yourself a guest.”

Captain Haru beamed, and in that moment she was beautiful. “Welcome aboard the Spring Wind, Baron. We hope you enjoy your stay.”

#tcr birthday bash 2019 #tcr birthday bash #day 2 pirates #pirate au #the cat returns #in which I also realise i'm borrowing a little of the banter from treasure planet #'how did i put it earlier i believe i said something rather good' is definitely borrowed #haru is far more playful than i was expecting #it's because she has muta's gruff humour to bounce off #also she knows muta looks hella intimidating #huh this turned out shorter than expected #ah well #enjoy

[catsafarithewriter]

Day 1: Outer Space

A/N: It’s started! Welcome to the TCR Birthday Bash 2019 - and day one begins with Outer Space. I’m taking a sort of anachronistic amalgamation of sci-fi (a few places from Star Trek, a species from Star Wars, a little actual space science from my meagre knowledge) and smushing them together. None of this fits either series, it’s just an easy little head-nod. (And saves me having to make up names.) 

x

There was hair in Haru’s eyes. 

There was hair in Haru’s eyes and there was nothing she could do about it.

She tilted her head back, her breath echoing back to her in the confines of the EVA helmet, but that just achieved another loose strand falling across her face . Typical. She squinted between her hair and lowered her gold visor down against the glare of Darmok II’s sun that was beaming blindingly through the hole where her ship’s bow had once been. 

At her lowered visor, the sun’s beams became tolerable. It did not, however, stop the flashing red warning lights. 

Something trickled along the back of her neck and into the specially-designed absorption pad at the nape of her helmet. It felt sticky. Sweat, possibly. Another droplet ran down her nose and onto her lips. She tasted metal. 

Blood. 

“Fine rescue mission this turned out to be,” she mumbled to no one. 

It wasn’t even her job. She was just a mechanic by trade, shuttled over to Tanagra Space Station to replace their last expert in Quadex power cores. 

(Quite how they had misplaced the previous mechanic, Haru hadn’t been told, but weird things tended to happen when you worked on a space station on the edge of the Neutral Zone - the expanse of impartial space between Federation and Cathar territory.) 

(She was pretty sure she didn’t want to know the answer anyway.) 

So, long story short, there was really no reason why she should have detoured off course to respond to the weak distress call emanating from Darmok II, except that no one else was close enough to hear it and her mother didn’t raise a quitter. (She had, however, raised a fool, and Haru was quickly learning the two were a potent mix for stupidly rash decisions.) 

Haru pulled herself over to the shattered console, trying to find an explanation for why her ship’s electronics had suddenly cut out halfway through the planet’s meagre atmosphere. The solar panels were still in one piece though, and the backup generator had kicked in and was devoting most of its power to warning its sole occupant that there was a breach in pressure. 

Haru glanced back up to the giant tear in the ship’s hull. “No shit, Sherlock,” she muttered before proceeding to switch off the alarms. The red lights dimmed and were replaced with an unsteady glow. She began to appraise the situation. 

The communication console was shattered beyond repair. A shard of the hull embedded into the panel had seen to that. Well, better the console than Haru, although if she couldn't get a signal up to Tanagra, then she was probably as good as dead anyway. The shuttle had an oxygen reclaimer that would work indefinitely, but that required water and power and not being open to the vacuum of space. 

Her suit, on the other hand, was still intact, but it only had about six hours before the carbon dioxide scrubbers ran out. She shifted across the wrecked shuttle and felt the stronger gravity of Darmok II weigh her down. Five hours, she amended. Her suit readouts confirmed her heart rate was already rising, along with her oxygen intake. Not fatal. Not worrying, short-term anyway. She wouldn’t be on this planet long enough to test the long-term effects - one way or another.

The scanner was still working though. Great. So she could be extra sure she was dying alone while the life support system in her suit ran dry. Typical. 

A single dot onscreen beeped to the ship’s starboard. 

Or... not so alone, she amended. 

She fumbled with the display until it informed her that, yes, there was another life form on this planet. Faint, but alive. And close. Two kilometres, as improbable as that was. 

The SOS call. It had to be. 

So, option one: Attempt to revive her ship to send out a distress call to reach Tanagra. Hope she could get it up and working in under five hours.

Option two: locate the SOS ship and modulate their communications system to Tanagra’s signal. Hope it was possible. Hope their console was in better state than hers. Hope their ship wasn’t running out of oxygen. 

If she had any common sense, she would side with option one. 

The little dot continued to beep and Haru muttered a curse. 

Common sense had never been her forte.

x

The SOS ship was, ironically, in a better shape than Haru’s. 

She clambered onto the rocky outcrop it had crash-landed on, and leant heavily against the hull. Geez, the extra gravity was taking its toll. Her suit informed her that it was 1.2g - just a little over Earth’s usual gravity, but she wasn’t accustomed to Earth. She was accustomed to space and floating and not having to carry her own weight. 

She leant there for a few moments longer. The carbon dioxide scrubbers levels sank a little lower. Time was marching on.

She rolled her head to one side and eyed the ship. It was damaged and dented and dull, but there was no insignia on it. She located the exterior hatch and, after some prodding and poking and muttered curses, navigated her way inside and through the airlock. 

She froze at the hatch. 

The source of the life signs sat in the cockpit of the shuttle. Unconscious. No blood. They wore an EVA suit - similar in function to Haru’s, but altered in design - with helmet removed. Haru tried to focus on those details and not the fact that she was staring at a Cathar. 

His face was feline - although Haru had been told that there was no actual feline ancestry in the Cathar race, just a coincidence of the universe - but it was quite one thing to know, another thing to see. Ginger fur ran across his face, cream markings resting beneath his eyes. His mouth was ajar. Haru could see sharp canine teeth. 

A Cathar. She inhaled sharply. The pure oxygen intake made her momentarily dizzy. What was a Cathar even doing on this side of the Neutral Zone? The Federation and the Cathar weren’t exactly enemies but... there was a reason for the Neutral Zone. Relations were taut. History was fraught. And she was standing in a Cathar shuttle. 

She exhaled and made herself approach. Enemy or no, she had responded to his distress signal. And she was here now. 

She gently set the helmet onto his head, clicking it into place and trying to avoid catching his whiskers. His suit’s readout confirmed he wasn’t dead. Somehow. There was a heartbeat - slow, almost impossibly slow - his body in complete shut-down. A form of hibernation, perhaps? Torpor? A way to survive the killing environment he was stuck in? The suit looked undamaged. Power still running. His oxygen tanks were empty. 

She shouldn’t do it. Time was tight enough against her even as it was, let alone halving her remaining air to save - to try to save - someone who could turn against her. 

She replaced one of his used oxygen tanks with one of her full ones. It probably wouldn’t be enough to revive him, but perhaps it would be enough to stop him dying. The hibernation would only sustain him for so long, after all. 

She collapsed down into the seat beside him and located something resembling an update of the ship’s functions. It was airtight, but unbreathable. The oxygen reclaimer - or the equivalent on the ship - looked to have been damaged in the crash. The power was low, but only because the solar panels had been misaligned. The communications console was working - and still sending out the SOS - but the system was unrecognisable. She’d need to be a Cathar to understand it. 

Maybe if she could get the oxygen reclaimer from her ship, she could buy a little more time... 

Movement flickered in the corner of her visor and she turned just in time to see the Cathar lung at her. She screamed, jolted back, and smacked against the side of the ship, the Cathar pinning her into place and his visor inches away from her own. 

He growled something in a language Haru didn’t understand. 

“I’m not here to hurt you!” Haru yelped back. She tried to shift away, but the Cathar’s grip was strong. “I’m just trying to help!”

The Cathar didn’t release her. He said something else, something Haru again didn’t recognise. 

“I... I don’t understand,” Haru faltered. Dammit. Naturally the universal translator would be broken too. On both their ends, it would seem. “But I was trying to help.” She held up her hands in what she hoped was a universal sign for placating. “I’m just,” she repeated, calmly, “trying to help.” 

The Cathar’s gaze flickered over the rest of his ship, over the console Haru had manhandled to bring up the ship’s readouts, and then back to Haru herself. His eyes were bright green, almost gemlike. Slitted and feline. Definitely not human. He started to say something else and then those gemlike eyes unfocused and his legs buckled. 

Haru caught him, to the surprise of them both. 

“You’re welcome,” she grunted. She set him back in his seat and, against all her survival instincts, clattered down into the chair beside him. “That’s what you get for trying a stunt like that so soon after waking up.” She groaned and watched her air tick ever lower. “Look, I know you can’t understand me, but we don’t have much time and we need to do something otherwise we’re both going to die in...” She did the calculations, “two hours.” 

The Cathar didn’t say anything. 

“Honestly, I came here to help. Check your oxygen levels if you don’t believe me.” She motioned weakly to the tanks attached to his back and hoped it was self-explanatory enough. 

He gave her a long, baleful stare, but eventually cast his attention to his suit. She could tell he had found the oxygen readout when he went very still. He uttered a single, questioning word. 

She tapped the communication console, where the distress call was just about still working, and then tapped the side of her helmet. “I heard you. I didn’t realise it was a Cathar ship at the time,” she muttered to herself, “but I still heard you.” 

From the confusion in his eyes, her answer didn’t seem adequate. 

She moved onto other matters, pulling herself out of her seat and towards the back of the small craft. She ignored the way the Cathar leant away from her as she passed. She tapped the defunct oxygen reclaimer. “I have a working one in my ship,” she said, motioning her words as best she could. “We could bring it here and survive a little longer. But I need your help to move it. Do you understand?”

The Cathar rose to his feet, and now it was Haru’s turn to lean away. He was tall. Not beyond human height, but still... tall enough for her to step back. He eyed the oxygen reclaimer, his gaze no longer aggressive, but still wary. He nodded. 

x

Moving the oxygen reclaimer alone would have been completely impossible. 

Between two, it was just nearly impossible. 

Haru collapsed down into the small craft, alarms beeping inside her suit and red warning signs on the life system readouts. 

Stupid, really. She’d accounted for collecting the oxygen reclaimer, but not for the extra oxygen intake/carbon dioxide outtake while dragging it across Darmok II, or for the hour it would take to refill the Cathar’s ship to a breathable atmosphere. 

She was going to asphyxiate by an error of sixty minutes. 

The world swan before her eyes, the headache she’d been ignoring for the last hour now pulsing through her brain. The Cathar had his back to her, fiddling with some panelling in the wall and barely sparing her a glance. Charming. 

“See if I save your life next time,” she wheezed. Typical. If she’d known Cathars had a lower respiration rate, she would have saved a little more air for herself. 

He turned to her, tubing and mask in one hand, and detached his oxygen tank. Haru inhaled sharply - or tried to, anyway. Her head just span some more. The world momentarily flickered. “What...?”

He approached. Haru couldn’t have scooted away even if she’d wanted to. She was concentrating on not blacking out. She couldn’t even spare the energy to flinch as he placed his gloved hands around her helmet. After a long moment, he found what he was looking for and removed it. He attached the mask to the lower half of her face and motioned for her to breath. 

She gasped and oxygen - wonderful oxygen - rushed into her lungs. She didn’t even realise she was leaning against the Cathar until he tapped the mask and she looked up. 

Satisfied she wasn’t still inhaling, he removed his own helmet and took a breath from the oxygen mask himself.

“Thank you,” she mumbled the next time it was her turn. 

The Cathar tilted his head. 

She motioned to the makeshift oxygen mask, and then between the two of them. “For, you know, not leaving me to die.”

She wasn’t sure he understood, but he almost seemed to smile. Maybe that would be enough. 

She leant away, straightening and patting her chest. “Haru.” If they were going to be stuck together until they figured a way off this planet - or until death came for them - she would at least know the name of her companion. “Haru,” she repeated, and then gestured to him. 

There was definitely a smile this time. 

“Baron.”

#tcr birthday bash 2019 #tcr birthday bash #the cat returns #day 1 outer space #the actual premise i'm borrowing from a next gen star trek ep #called darmok #i've also been flipping through a book called ask an astronaut #for uh actually wolf 359 purposes #but there's been some fun things I learnt #oh and also inspiration taken from the martian and artemis #concept haru and baron stuck on a planet together and have to work together to get off #god that got long

[ro-visiting-the-bureau]

TCR BDB Days 1 & 2: Space & Pirates

I decided to combine the two prompts, cause I got the perfect idea... the Pirate AU in the Treasure Planet universe! Enjoy!

The Spring Wind sailed through the night. In the distance, stars and nebulae make beautiful light shows, and the quiet of space enveloped the ship in its embrace. 

Most of the crew were bedded down, as it was the night cycle, but the ship's sole non-crewman was sitting on the gunwale, staring out. A member of the Fellene species, his cat-like head was covered in orange hair and tawny fur, with two wings extending into the cream of his face under his emerald eyes. He had left his customary jacket in his cabin, and so was out in just his white shirtsleeves, red waistcoat, grey breeches and brown boots. He had a journal and ink pen in hand, but hadn't moved either in a half hour. 

"Can't sleep?"

Baron Humbert Von Gikkingen turned from his musings on the starscape before him to see the human woman who commanded the ship. A slight and small frame that belayed the strength she had, she too had left her coat somewhere, and was just wearing one of her usual blouses, cut in the style of the people in the Eastern Kaze system. Tonight it was a light green with clasps and embroideries of gold thread in the pattern of kanji, blessings to keep her safe on her journeys. Dark green breeches, brown boots, and a belt holding a pouch, a telescope and a knife on her waist finished the ensemble. Her chin length brown hair was slightly mused, but her matching eyes were bright. She was holding two tankards, which were steaming slightly

“It’s so quiet,” Baron said. “I’m not used to it.”

“Neither was I, when I first took to the stars.” Captain Haru Yoshioka handed him a tankard and leaned against the railing next to him. “It was all so strange, how sound didn’t travel. A nova in the distance was as silent as the clouds of stardust we skimmed. But, spend long enough out here, and it’s the ports and cities that become unbearable.” She took a drink, which prompted him to try some of his own. Cider, a good choice for a night like this, even if he preferred tea.

“I hope I’m not here long enough for that to happen. I liked being able to sleep in the Capitol.” Baron set aside his journal and pen, and turned to lean against the rail as well. 

Haru glanced down at the book. “Those private thoughts, or would a penny be sufficient price?”

Baron shook his head. “Just trying to chronicle the journey. If I’m going to be here on this madcap quest, I want to be able to share the whole story with my children and grandchildren.”

“Persephone will likely do the same.” Haru chuckled. “She’ll probably send a couple copies to the Fellenius. The King will have a fit, and Prince Lune will get to see the other side of his chases after me and his mother.”

“How was it you managed to become the rival of the former Queen of Fellene?” he couldn’t help asking. It was quite the scandal, when the Queen and Royal Physician both ran off to play pirate. Some had put forth it had been romantically driven, except a close friend of the Queen’s had revealed she had no interest in the male sex, which is why there was only one heir. How the now Pirate Queen had befriended Haru, who had to be at least five years younger than himself, he truly wished to know.

But Haru just gave him an enigmatic smile and took another drink. “That is a tale better told by the both of us. Maybe when the treasure is ours, we’ll have a pint at the Old Benbow and we’ll tell you about it.”

“‘Old Benbow’, I’ve heard of that.” Baron’s brow furrowed. “That’s on Montressor, right? There was a rumor someone on the planet had found a map to Captain Flint’s trove, and I believe that inn was involved somehow.”

“Oh, you’re hearing rumors about that in the Capitol?” Haru tilted her head. “Care to share the details?”

“Not many to give. Someone hired a crew that set out from Montressor Spaceport, and a few months later supposedly the ship suddenly reappeared in space not far from the port, most of the crew tied in the brig, the captain injured, and first mate missing. Before their executions, the crew claimed they had found the trove, but had no proof of it. Not long after the Benbow, which had been burned down, was rebuilt, bigger and better than before.”

“Well, that’s the broad strokes of it. Details, you’ll have to wait and see.”

Baron glanced at Haru, whose smile had turned wistful, and pieces clicked in his mind. “Was that-?”

She held up a finger and wagged it at him. “Ah, ah! Spoilers.” She took one last, long pull of her cider, then set the mug on the bench next to him. “In any case, whatever my origin story, I’m here now, and so are you. Maybe this will be the start of your own.” 

“I sincerely doubt it, but I’m happy to at least be a footnote in yours.”

Years later, when Baron’s memoirs were published, he would write how that night gave him his first look into the inner character of Haru, and how he believed that was the moment he started to fall in love with her. 

Yes that is implying Haru was the one who went through the Treasure Planet plot. I'm thinking Persephone, wearing some sort of disguise, takes Silver's role, and that's how they met. Now the specifics of the world i'm not sure, namely is the Capitol basically Space England and all the other planets are colonies, or is it more like Star Wars where it's individual rulers send deligates to a Senate. Either would be fun.

#tcr birthday bash #TCR Birthday Bash 2019

[catsafarithewriter]

Day 6: Free Day

A/N: This is an idea I’ve had running round my head for a while now, and I decided to finally pen the beginning of it for the Birthday Bash. Borrowing from another series, I’ve sorta dubbed this the Kingslayer AU, for reasons that will soon become abundantly clear. 

This is fairly short, but hopefully it conveys the concept. I’ll probably continue at some point if people are interested. 

Warning: Major character death. 

x

“I heard rumours about a nosy cat figurine who likes to help others with their problems. I assumed you’d be just some kitschy knickknack that collected dust. Had I known you were this good, I would have asked you to come and work for me.” 

x

Baron Humbert von Gikkingen was not the type of Creation who ordinarily took cases from royalty. 

But this was different. 

Prince Lune had been a friend. 

He glanced down to the parchment the royal advisor had handed him. His gut twisted. “So why do you need the Bureau’s help in this?” he asked, his voice a mask of professionalism. “You have enough paws at your disposal to make even a human retrieval such as this a simple task.”

“You would think so, wouldn’t you?” Natori replied. His voice was tired in comparison and Baron wondered how many hours’ sleep he had managed since the accident. “Unfortunately, she escaped our initial attempt and now knows we’re coming for her.”

“She knows to be wary of cats,” Baron translated.

“Indeed. But your Bureau has magicks that can negate that, doesn’t it?”

Baron nodded. It was unusual for the Bureau to borrow human form, but not impossible. He rolled up the parchment and tucked it into the inside of his jacket. He didn’t need to read it again. He had memorised its morbid contents the first time. 

“For what it’s worth,” Baron said as he turned to go, “I think Lune would have made a great king.”

“Yes,” Natori replied. “Well, we’ll never know now, will we?”

x

Baron learnt a lot about Haru Yoshioka in the following weeks. 

She was a trucker by trade - it wasn’t the job she had envisioned as a kid, but it was one that paid the bills and sometimes life just works out like that. 

She did mostly retail deliveries - ferrying full pallets from warehouses to shops, and empty ones from shops to warehouses, washing back and forth like the tide. 

She liked old horror movies and cheesy romance books. 

Sometimes she listened to audio books as she drove and sometimes she sang along to the radio. 

She was a mezzo-soprano. 

She didn’t have any pets, but she did walk her friend’s greyhound every other Tuesday. 

She was single, living alone. The fence around her garden was tall and new. The old cat-flap in the back door was boarded up. She kept her windows closed, even in the summer heat. 

She had repainted her truck. 

Even so, some of Lune’s blood remained. 

x

“I’m not sure about this.”

Baron paused in his final adjustments of the spell. “Which part?” 

Toto’s eyes darted from side-to-side, his head bobbing in an unusual display of nerves. “All of it,” he admitted. “This is not the kind of thing the Bureau does.”

“A client has come to us for help. So we help.” 

“This is not help. This is...” Toto bobbed his head. “This is not help,” he repeated eventually.

“If you are uncomfortable with this, then I will not ask you to assist,” Baron said. He looked to the other cat in the Bureau. “Muta?”

Muta didn’t meet his eyes. “I dunno, Baron. I’m with the birdbrain on this one. This doesn’t seem right.”

Baron’s gaze dimmed. “Then I am going alone.” He finished the last strokes of the spell, and magic spilled out across him, transforming fur to flesh and claws to nails until a human stood in his place. He flexed his fingers. Even the parts of him that had undergone minimal transformation felt... off. Like a new suit. Perfectly tailored, but still not worn in. 

Toto stayed perched on his column, beady eyes peering down at his friend’s changed form. “You don’t have to do this, you know,” he said. “We could still turn down the case.”

Baron retrieved his top hat from where it had fallen. “No. This needs to be done.”

“Why?”

“Because there’s a father who needs to look into the eyes of the human who killed his son.” 

“You’re bringing her to trial, Baron,” Toto pressed. “She made a mistake.”

“Mistakes have consequences.”

Toto’s beak thinned into a narrow line. “You’re making a mistake.”

“Duly noted.” 

“You’re hurt. You’re not thinking--”

“This conversation is over, Toto.”

The crow’s beak snapped shut. 

Baron turned back to the archway and established the portal to where she was due to be, meeting friends on the outskirts of a lake. He righted his hat, his grip on his cane knuckle-white. Alone, human, and bitter, he stepped through to find her.

Haru Yoshioka.

Kingslayer. 

#tcr birthday bash 2019 #tcr birthday bash #day 6 free day #am i posting these out of order? #yes #can you stop me? #no #kingslayer au #'princeslayer' didn't sound quite right? #the brain keeps going 'prince'? 'princess'? #the cat returns #cat writes #baron's a bit out of character but that's what aus are for #so concept is haru is the one who was driving the truck #but this time there was no reckless student who ran out to save lune #so now the whole cat kingdom is out for revenge #and the bureau has been hired to bring haru in #baron takes on a human form to enable him to get close to haru #and begins to rethink this whole thing #i've got funnier and lighter ones planned for the other tcr bb days i promise

[chez-pezeater]

TCR Birthday Bash 2019: Day 7- Game Night

So this is probably going to get me either a lot of hate, thrown out of the fandom, or (best case scenario) requests for more. I’m honestly not sure which is worse (worst?) at this point. Either way please enjoy Cards Against Humanity: The Cat Returns Addition. Persephone is a TCR OC that belongs to @tcrmommabear & @sindysugar being used with their permissions.

At this point Hiromi has long since become a frequent visitor to the Bureau after following Haru one day. Meaning Hiromi while not quite as close to the others as Haru is, is still considered a friend.  Also the humans are in their early 20s and knowing my friends and I when we get into the game, potty language. Which really should just be a warning for CAH in general.

Cards Against Humanity (for those that don’t know) is played with two types of cards: Black prompt cards and White (I call them) Reaction cards. A person draws a prompt card and the other players put down their reaction card(s) face down and then replace the number of cards they used. Prompt drawing player flips them over and selects the best reaction card of the round. Best reaction card(s) win the prompt card. Prompt cards use between 1-3 reaction cards.

- - - - - - - - - - -

To be fair, the entire thing was ENTIRELY Hiromi’s fault. Now that’s not to say that Haru didn’t love her best friend, because she did. She also knew EXACTLY what kind of humor Hiromi had. Mix that with a card game who’s box quite literally proclaims it to be “A horrible game for horrible people”. Yeah… It’s all Hiromi’s fault.

Hiromi drew a black prompt card. “’What’s making things awkward in the sauna?’ Ok folks hit me with your best shots.”

Louise puts down a card reading ‘A sales team of clowns and pedophiles.’

Muta chose to use ‘Scrotum tickling.’

Persephone gave it some thought before selecting ‘Cute Boys.’

Baron hesitated before putting down ‘MechaHitler.’

Haru slaps down ‘Full Frontal Nudity.’ with NO HESITATION.

Toto calmly places down ‘Fiery Poops.’

Hiromi reads all the reaction cards before declaring “A sales team of clowns and pedophiles is the winner. Who put that down cuz yeah that would make things awkward?”

Louise raises a hand while smirking. She accepts her prize before drawing a new prompt card, “’Only two things in life are certain: death and (blank).’ Oh my, there are so many ways that could be taken.”

Hiromi slapped down ‘The violation of our most basic human rights.’ as her card.

Muta, thinking of everything that happens regarding any of the groups antics, put down ‘Total fucking chaos.’

Persephone, not having very many good cards, selects ‘The male gaze.’

Baron, knowing how dramatic his sister is, chose ‘Dropping a chandelier on your enemies and riding the rope up.’ (winner)

Haru hemmed and hawed before putting down ‘Kamikaze pilots.’

Toto put down ‘Every ounce of charisma left in Mick Jagger’s tired body.’ hoping to get some laughs.

Louise read the cards out loud, cackling in between them, and said “’Dropping a chandelier on your enemies’ wins. So which one of you called me out like this?”

“I did sister dear, after all between the two of us this is exactly the kind of dramatics you would use.” Snorts echoed around the table, implying that Louise wasn’t the only over-the-top-Gikkingen around.

And so the game continued:

R3) Muta- (prompt) Listen, Gary, I like you. But if you want that corner office, you’re going to have to show me (blank).

Hiromi- Being a busy adult with many important things to do

Louise- Deez nuts

Persephone- Exactly what you’d expect

Baron- A constant need for validation

Haru- My worthless son

Toto- Meaningless sex

“Tough call but with how humans are ‘A constant need for validation.’ wins although ‘Meaningless sex.’ was close.” “Drat,” Toto declared while Baron took another card.

R4)Persephone- (prompt) Dear Sir or Madam, We regret in infom you that the Office of (blank) has denied your request for (blank).

Hiromi- Bill Nye the Science Guy & A gassy antelope

Louise- Republicans & Black People

Muta- Blackula & The shambling corpse of Larry King

Baron- Sean Penn & Tripping balls

Haru- AXE Body Spray & Being fabulous

Toto-  Wifely duties & Consensual sex

“Seriously Louise? ‘Wifely duties.’ AND ‘Consensual sex.’ You know that combination wins.” “Sorry Love but that wasn’t mine.” “Nope it was mine.” “Well either way it was well played, well done Toto.”

“Looks like it’s time to pull out the ‘Most Horrible Person of the Night Award’.” “Hiromi, No!” “Hiromi YES!” “Hey! Why does Birdbrain get Doritos?!”

R5) Baron- (prompt) Well if (blank) is a crime, then lock me up!

Hiromi- The boners of the elderly

Louise-  Eating together like a god damn family for once

Muta- The harsh light of day

Persephone- The Boy Scouts of America

Haru- Saying “I Love You”

Toto- The light of a billion suns

“I feel like I’m being called out right now. Who played ‘Saying “I Love You.”?” Baron asked with a very unamused look on his face.

“I did,” Haru replied straightfaced.

“You’re never going to let that go are you?”

“What do you think?”

Baron sighed before handing Haru the prompt card. It was better not to argue with her.

R6) Haru- (prompt) When I was tripping on acid, (blank) turned into  (blank).

Hiromi- Sudden Poop Explosion Disease & Used panties

Louise- The economy & The sweet song of sword against sword and the braying of mighty war beasts

Muta- Expecting a burp and vomiting on the floor & Turning the rivers red with the blood of infidels (winner)

Persephone- Crazy opium eyes & Treasure beyond your wildest dreams

Baron- Natalie Portman & Angelheaded hipsters burning for the ancient heavenly connection to the starry dynamo in the machinery of night

Toto- A Ugandan warlord & Former President George W. Bush

“Really Muta? I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: That’s disgusting.” “So are some of these reaction cards.”

R7) Toto- (prompt) Life for American Indians was forever changed when the White Man introduced them to (blank)

Hiromi- All my friends dying (winner)

Louise- Syphilitic insanity

Muta- How awesome it is to be white

Persephone- Indescribable loneliness

Baron- The Pope

Haru- The eighth graders

“Toto pass Hiromi the bag. Hiromi you’re terrible.” Hiromi just giggles naughtily.

R8) Hiromi- (prompt) (Blank): Brought to you by (blank).

Louise- Homeless people & Rich people

Muta- Mouth herpes & Going down on a woman, discovering that her vagina is filled with eyeballs, and being totally into that

Persephone- Santa Claus & Being rich

Baron- Shutting the fuck up & The Rev. Dr. Marin Luther King, Jr.

Haru- Getting caught by the police and going to jail & Going around punching people(winner)

Toto- Running out of semen & A mine having a stroke

“Sound about right.” “Oh and how would you know Turkey Leg? You don’t have any fists!” “Wouldn’t you like to know fatso.”

R9) Louise- (prompt) (Blank). Betcha can’t have just one!

Hiromi- Heartwarming orphans

Muta- Grammar nazis who are also regular Nazis

Persephone- Gwyneth Paltrow’s opinions

Baron- A sad handjob (winner)

Haru- Horrifying laser hair removal accidents

Toto- Emotions

“Is there something you want to confess brother dear?” “Not to you sister dear.”

R10) Muta- (prompt) This is the prime of my life. I’m young, hot, and full of (blank).

Hiromi- My dad’s dumb fucking face

Louise- Cancer

Persephone- Lunchables TM (winner)

Baron- YOU MUST CONSTRUCT ADDITIONAL PYLONS

Haru- The Hamburglar

Toto- Statistically validated stereotypes

“What? I’m hungry!”

R11) Persephone- (prompt) We never did find (blank), but along the way we sure learned a lot about (blank)

Hiromi- Blowjobs for everyone & Pac-Man uncontrollably guzzling cum (Hiromi)

Louise- What Jesus would do & The South

Muta- The white half of Barack Obama & A black-owned and operated business

Baron- God & A chimpanzee in sunglasses fucking your wife

Haru- Jobs & Western standards of beauty

Toto- Important news about Taylor Swift & Starting a shitty podcast

“HIROMI!” “AHH SAVE ME SOMEBODY!” (This was not the first time Hiromi used Pac-Man against Haru. Nor would it be the last.)

R12) Baron- In return for my soul, the Devil promised me (blank), but all I got was (blank).

Hiromi- Jesus & White people

Louise- Third base & Being fat and stupid

Muta- A subscription to Men’s Fitness & Pooping back and forth. Forever.

Persephone- Some shit-hot guitar licks & An ass disaster

Haru- Interspecies marriage & Necrophilia (winner)

Toto- The Blood of Christ & Adderall TM

“Guilty conscious Haru?” “I’M NOT A FURRY DAMNIT!”

R13) Haru- (prompt) You won’t believe what’s in my pussy. It’s (blank).

Hiromi- Daddy issues

Louise- The power of the Dark Side (winner)

Muta- A salty surprise

Persephone- Old-people smell

Baron- My collection of high-tech sex toys

Toto- How wet my pussy is.

“I hate you all.”

R14) Toto- (prompt) Money can’t buy me love, but it can buy me (blank)

Hiromi- The mere concept of Applebees TM

Louise- Sexual peeing

Muta- Authentic Mexican cuisine

Persephone- An asymmetric boob job (winner)

Baron- Helplessly gigling at the mention of Hutus and Tutsis

Haru- Switching to Geico®

R15) Hiromi- (prompt) (Blank) is a slippery slope that leads to (blank).

Louise- Blackface & Ripping open a man’s chest and pulling out his still-beating heart

Muta- Court-ordered rehab & Words, words, words.

Persephone- Same-sex ice dancing & Butt stuff

Baron- Establishing dominance & Stockholm Syndrome (winner)

Haru- Overpowering your father & Darth Vader

Toto- Copping a feel & A boo-boo

“Damn Baron, what are you into?” “I’m not! Why are you handing me these?” “Because you made shit go real dark, real quick boyo.”

R16) Louise- (prompt) My gym teacher got fired for adding (blank) to the obstacle course.

Hiromi- Walking into a glass door

Muta- Sperm whales

Persephone- Peeing a little bit

Baron- A face full of horse cum

Haru- Meatloaf, the man.

Toto- Warm, velvety muppet sex (winner)

“I think I need to give these back to you Toto.” “No no, you can still keep them.” (Cue unhappy Baron face.)

R17) Muta- What gets better with age?

Hiromi- Crippling debt

Louise- A Super Soaker TM full of cat pee (winner)

Persephone- Roland the Farter, flatulist to the king.

Baron- Yeast

Haru- The placenta

Toto- Nothing

“At least no one played ‘My genitals.’ this time.” “That can still change Haru~.”

R18) Persephone- (prompt) In his new action comedy, Jackie Chan must fend off ninja while also dealing with (blank).

Hiromi- Not having sex

Louise- Aaron Burr

Muta- Mixing M&Ms and Skittle like some kind of psychopath

Baron- The dentist

Haru- Samuel L. Jackson (winner)

Toto- Getting eaten alive by Guy Fieri

“To be fair, Ryan Renolds had a hard time dealing with Samuel L. Jackson in ‘The Hitman’s Bodyguard.’” “Still funny.”

R19) Baron- (prompt) Today on Maury: “Help! My son is (blank)!”

Hiromi- A woman

Louise- A monkey smoking a cigar (winner)

Muta- Teaching a robot to love

Persephone- Running naked through a mall, pissing and shitting everywhere

Haru- Such a big boy

Toto- Filling every orifice with butterscotch pudding

“What is ‘Maury’?” “An American TV show that mostly deals with people deliberately exposing themselves to lie detectors and paternity tests because they can’t stay in their lanes and be decent human beings.”

R20) Haru- (prompt) Heed my voice, mortals! I am the god of (blank), and I will not tolerate (blank)!Hiromi- Sunshine and rainbows & Incest

Louise- The profoundly handicapped & Throwing a virgin into a volcano

Muta- Sweet, sweet vengeance & Cheating in the Special Olympics

Persephone- Finger painting & The hiccups

Baron- Erectile dysfunction & Having a penis (winner) (game end)

Toto- Nickleback & Licking things to claim them as your own.

“That’s it, game over, Baron wins, Good night.” “Oh c’mon Haru.” “Nope! Can’t do it! Good night!”

- - - - - - - -

‘Most Horrible Person of the Night Award’ is an inside joke among my circle of RL friends that typically ends up being a bag of Doritos.

#the cat returns #cards against humanity #warning: bad language #tcr birthday bash #tcr birthday bash 2019 #the cat returns fanfics #chezpez writes #TCR

[chez-pezeater]

TCR Birthday Bash 2019: Day 1- Outer Space

So this is Part 1 of a three part crossover/Au between The Cat Returns and Jupiter Ascending. Jupiter Ascending is a movie by the Wachowski’s who made Cloud Atlas, Speed Racer, V for Vendetta, Sense8, and the Matrix series. I highly recommend it.

- - - - - - - -

Haru paced the extravagant chambers, her eyes constantly darting to and fro from the elaborate and quite literally ALIEN wedding dress that gave off the impression of a Sakura tree in bloom (if said blooms were a vibrant garnet color). She was having a hard time swallowing everything that’s happened in the last 24? 48? how does one even keep time in outer space? Outer space, she still was having trouble believing that SHE was in SPACE!  Haru bent over, hands on knees, heavily breathing and trying not to vomit. It was all so much to digest.

Human beings are nothing more than cattle and are slaughtered to make a magic semi-immortality juice and she, Haru, is the reincarnation of the head of the family who’s at the forefront of such a ghastly business.

‘Oh Gods, I can’t do this,’ Haru thought with panic. ‘I CAN’T DO THIS!’

The door to the chambers swished open to allow Tsuge Abrasax (Third Primary of the House of Abrasax) and his personal attendant entrance. Haru quickly spun around to face her fiance and past-life’s son. (‘Isn’t this technically incest?’ she thought to herself for the fourth or fifth time since he popped the question.)

“I can’t do this,” Haru announced, practically running towards the door.

“As I told you before Haru,” Tsuge consoled charmingly, “don’t think of this like a wedding like on your world. It’s just a contract in order to protect people. Innocent people.”

“I know, I get that I do but right now I need to speak to Baron.”

“You don’t trust me but you’ll trust the man I hired. I see. Unfortunately talking to Mr. Gikkingen is no longer possible.”

“What?” Haru inquired, shocked. “Why?”

“He attacked a servitant and destroyed a host of guards. And given his history I was advised to return him to the authorities. You do know what he did, don’t you?” Tsuge implored. He saw the look on Haru’s face and made an expression of understanding on his own. “And you still trust him. Beauty and her beast.”

“Why wouldn’t you tell me sooner?” Haru demanded quietly.

“So you can plead for this,” Tsuge sighed, as if exasperated by Haru’s naivety. “The original rite of pardon and reinstatement my lawyers procured for him and Mr. Moon. I kept it, knowing how you felt, even if you wouldn’t admit it.” Tsuge offered the metallic sheaf that as Space’s version of books and documents.

“To be fair, there was a time when I would have used something like this against you. But now if you can believe anything, Haru, you can believe that the life of one splice matters very little to me compared to the lives of my subjects.” Haru accepted the sheaf with a heavy heart and conflicted expression upon her face.

“Good bye Miss Yoshioka.” Tsuge turned to walk out Haru’s temporary quarters. Fake despondency upon his face.

“Tsuge,” Haru called haltingly.

Tsuge stopped, a satisfied smirk creeping across his face. He quickly wiped it off his face before turning to his mother’s Recurrence.

“I’ll do it,” Haru quietly declared, face at war between emotionless and heartbreak.

“Thank you,” Tsuge spoke sincerely before leaving to get his own preparations for the wedding underway. Preparations that unknowingly to Haru included her death during their honeymoon.

Haru turned to look back at the dress. She swallowed thickly.

‘Guess I better get ready.’

#TCR #the cat returns #fanfic #tcr birthday bash #tcr birthday bash 2019 #jupiter ascending #jupiter ascending au #tcr au #the cat returns au #the cat returns fanfics #chezpez writes