Julieta: What did you guys do last night?
Mirabel: All I remember is that I pushed Antonio in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left Camilo downtown.
Pepa: Did you go back and get him?
Isabela: Nah, we went to a karaoke bar instead. So worth it!
okay okay but that ask about ult selves not making sense! is so correct! because it actually fucks up the concept of time as we know it in homestuck. like "oh, all your alternate timeline selves are combined into one person" that's not how that works!
literally, the point of alternate timelines is that it allows for free will and predestination to exist at the same time when it comes to time travel.
example: let's say you have a PBJ sandwich for lunch at 12:00. that's the alpha timeline event that "canonically" happens. but there are theoretical versions of your day where the only difference is that you ate at 12:01 or 12:02, or you ate a different food, or additionally had chips, or whatever... and these differences can theoretically be down to the second, becoming so minuscule that it's like the event equivalent of splitting an atom. in that sense, time is less like a thread with branching pathways, and more like a gradient of potential iterations. but this is how homestuck functions like a story: it simplifies the paths by grouping events that are that microscopically similar, and basically gives you their average... thus producing the "branching paths" model of visualizing the timeline and its offshoots.
and the reason why this is important is because, well... why is the alpha timeline the canonical version? it clearly could've gone differently... why is none of that canon? the practical reason is because a narrative needs focus if it's going to be understood, but another explanation is that the alpha timeline is whatever is most likely to happen. whatever is the most probable. and this takes characterization into account! remember John's "squawk like an imbecile and shit on your desk" idea? what is the likelihood of John, as we've seen him characterized, *actually* doing that? I'd say it's pretty slim... John's personality makes it an unlikely outcome, even if the branching timelines might technically contain a version of events where he actually does it. in theory, anything is possible. but in truth, not everything is equally likely. and the alpha timeline exists at the top of that hierarchy of likely behavior that you could expect from the characters, based on the information they have, and who they are.
so really, what would combining all of that *ACTUALLY* do to a person? in my mind, it'd just paralyze them completely. they literally wouldn't be capable of having a personality anymore, because committing to making any decision just creates another hierarchy of likely behavior. because that is literally just how time works.
but on an even simpler level... what if Dave nabbed ult Dirk and just took him and hour into the past and plopped him in front of his past self? before Dave did that, Dirk would have memories from an hour ago where he didn't see himself... so now the timeline is split. there's Dirk that will remember Dave and himself showing up, and Dirk who doesn't remember that happening. so now there are two Dirks... "ultimate" my ass! this shit *necessarily* functions the exact same way it always has!
basically, no, ultimate selves don't make sense. they're a stupid idea, they're executed horribly, and they literally tear apart one of my favorite things about homestuck, which was the time travel mechanics! I always loved how homestuck solved one of the biggest problems about time travel... it lets the characters have free will, and allows them to fuck around and try and change things, but ultimately, events are predestined to a certain extent. but the predestined events are actually based on who you are as a person, and what you'll be most likely to do with what you know and how you feel. if you make a mistake, it's the kind of mistake that it'd be "in character" for you to make. who you are is still what matters... your identity is the source of certain inevitabilities. it supports the themes in homestuck so well, especially when the characters use this as a framework to question who they are, or test the actual mechanical boundaries of this system, and find out things about themselves in the process... it's excellent!
I love wine and was talking to my friend who plays Diluc and doesn’t know things about alcohol and was like. Why not just copy paste that too and make a really basic 101 of wine for Diluc RPers who don’t drink ? It is a bit vulgar as it tries to relate to people who just do not drink so they can picture it on their take on characters. ANYONE IS MORE THAN WELCOME TO REBLOG THIS or idk share this with your DILUC RPERS/LOVERS if you liked it ! Let’s get to it.
This really is a guide that gives up quick basics so you can really flavor your RP threads with this even without being an expert !
Thank you @noctuxcellus for the cute Diluc and wine bottle icon, this post is dedicated to you ~.
TYPE OF CLASSIC GRAPE WINE AND THEIR MOST COMMON PAIRINGS
Red wine is full bodied and heavier. Think like drinking a natural juice vs a cheaper concentrate. It's thick and has a strong sweet flavor. So it pairs well with meat as the fat brings out the unique flavors and appetizers or by itself because of the fancy flavor profile.
White wine is more acidic. Think as like drinking clear light limonade vs that thicker fruit juice. It is lighter on the palate and is more about subtly complementing a dish than being the star of the show. Think about how PBJ sandwiches and other type of food like this are not the same at all because one cancels the other's less pleasant aftertaste. White wine goes well with seafood dishes as it clears the mouth from the fishy aftertaste and pasta so your meal doesnt feel as heavy.
Grapes are typically what are used to make wine. However, nearly anything can be turned to wine or mixed in with the grapes.
There's a large debate about also making drinks which dilute wine, whether it is like innovative or absolutely unethical.
QUICK AND DIRTY LOOK AT THE DISTILLATION PROCESS
Wine are put in barrels and ferment that you surely know. What happens is that just like coffee or pulled noodles, the taste and texture will be entirely different depending of the altitude, the pressure in the barrel, the wood used for the barrel, the amount of fruit juice put in the barrel, what the fruits are, the soil the fruit grew in and what they were given, the humidity of the basement they are put in and its light exposure, the materials the building they are in is made of and the local climate.
This makes for wine to become extremely expensive and sought after when being recognized because it means you just cannot get it anywhere else, with all those parameters being a heavily guarded trade secret.
THE LEGAL PROTECTION OF RAGNVINDR WINE
The Ragnvindr wine is also legally protected from what I got since merchants who tried to reproduce the wine were called out as impostors from saying they are selling Mondstadt wine. If it wasn’t legally protected, anyone who uses the same fermentation techniques as in Mondstadt could call it Mondstadt wine. However, the Ragnvindr family probably paid extra to whatever is the wine guild of Teyvat so their label can only be put on bottles made by them and in the region of Mondstadt. This simply raise the price A LOT due tot the exclusivity and greatly helps Mondstadt economy which relies on the winery.
An example of something legal protection in real life alcohol trade like this would be:
Scotch and Whisky are the same thing. Only you cannot call your whisky a scotch if you didnt make it in Scotland.
Just like you cannot call all sparkling wine Champagne unless your brew comes and has been officially labeled by the Champagne region in France.
You probably know indirectly the mainstream notoriety of champagne because to celebrate people never say they’re getting sparkling wine. They get champagne. The clever marketing makes it so people assume that sparkling wine is of a lesser quality than champagne. It is often due to people who make sparkling wine knowing it wont sell unless they make it champagne so they pay hard to have it approved. (technically the label of champagne has been loosened but for our purpose I won’t go about it)
DILUC’S WINE EXPERTISE AND SAMPLING TECHNIQUE
Diluc can 100% run the winery without liking wine himself since he is knowledgeable about it and can differentiate a good or bad brew even if it is not to his personal liking, thus I imagine his distaste increasing because once his scientist brewers say "Ok this passed all the requirements time for the boss to approve it".
When you sample one you dont drink it. You gurgle and spit it. So Diluc doesn’t have to ever get drunk or even actually drink any wine.
Ideally when sampling wine, you have an empty stomach and have drank crystal water to not have any bias during tasting. You smell it, shake it to bring out the aroma. Then you slurp it in. Hard. Loudly. Because you want the liquid to coat all your tongue and stick to the back of your throat. You then gurgled it a bit around and then spit it out. Rince your mouth and repeat the process.
By doing so an expert sommelier can identify multiple parameters in wine (which ones is a constantly different depending on how the wine is processed) like which fermentation process the drink went under, the fruits in it, its age, etc. because they are so good they can identify each layers of how the wine was made. Compared to lets say a casual drinker who didn’t do all that tasting stuff and can just tell the fruits. The tasting process may sounds and look funny to others, but it is a highly respected practice that is not exaggerated in its process.
MASTER SOMMELIERS AKA THE WINE EXPERTS
MASTER sommeliers are very sought after in restaurants. To get your master sommelier credentials you need to go through a LOT of wine tasting. Identify the label of the bottle, its ingredients, describe the aroma accurately, which region it was made it, etc. All of this blindly. If you miss one, you’re out. Some people spend years and years preparing for evaluations process to be selected amongst other candidates as a master sommelier. When you get your credential ? Massive bucks. It could definitely be valid to say that Diluc got a master sommelier credential due to the high importance and respect of his family winery heritage.
MASTER sommeliers are highly respected since there are so very few, since you can be a sommelier randomly in a restaurant and just not be too good. In our world, Master sommeliers make 150K a year, making them one of the top earners industry experts.
A sommelier's job is to evaluate wine from the industry brewing it and/or restaurant. When you go to a high end restaurant and ask for wine, the sommelier, who can be found in the wine cellar at times visible when sitting at the restaurant to show off the selection, will come to your table and give you a recommendation based on your meal. He also is the one who decide which brews the restaurant will serve according to the menu. He's an expert the owner hires.
A very vulgar way people who dont know about it call a sommelier someone who just drinks wine and tell you which bottle you should buy even if you cannot tell the difference between two. That is what you have Master sommeliers. You KNOW they are the REAL experts who know their shit spend all their life mastering the aspects of wine.
A GOOD HEADCANON MEME
Kaeya never spat the wine when sampling, he always swallowed it and got drunk.
( Its always a meme in the tasting industry just like ice cream tasters who eat it instead of spitting it. Or actors who always eat their food on set even after the 15th take instead of spitting with everyone in the bucket. )
EYYYYYY HERES PART TWO OF DYSTOPIAN AND ITS QUEUED UP BECAUSE I DOnt know when I’ll be awake lmao @orange-side-please-appear @countdown-til-sanders-take-over @when-are-you-coming-back-steve @hihello-what-is-chaos-doing @psychedelicships-chaos @logan-please-smile-speaks
TW FOR : genocide mention, corpses, death, blood, bigotry, implied abduction, implied trauma, this is lowkey dark tbh
Fey was seven when she first felt like a person, even though fey was still human at the time. No robotic parts within her bones, no wires needing rearranging, not even a single bolt or screw inside of feyr. Just flesh and blood, like any normal person, physically.
She had been adopted by some family at the age of five, who fed feyr traditional rhetoric until they were stuffed of it. Pretty girls wore pretty dresses, or blouses and skirts, if they were truly rebellious. They found cute guys to take out on cute dates, and he needed to propose to her at a time of his choosing. Then they would be off, to earn money for the glorious country, and to bare children to carry the cycle forever (or adopt, if one was infertile).
Which, to any sane person, that’s a lot to spoon feed a toddler. Fey wasn’t even very traditional to begin with, for fey wore “hypermasculine” (pants and tshirts, the very nerve) clothes, though it was alright if fey never went outside with them. Fey even found neopronouns for feyrself, which, although seen as “nickname,” was only allowed because it was “just a phase.”
But, it was better than nothing. Only two signs of disobedience, really, which was the apparent limit in the house, as fey never really got away with much else.
While fey lived with them, fey met their much older son, Richard. He was worse than their parents when it came to rambling about how great tradition was, and always made sure that fey knew it. Sometimes, he made it about how she wasn’t traditional enough. From feyr pronouns, their lack of a crush, their dislike of chores, or of being too feminine, all of it. Fey wasn’t enough for his standards, and feyr lack of trying to appease him only made Richard hammer down on his points more.
So, when he announced that he was leaving, a year later, fey was relieved.
He boasted proudly about how he was going to become a top researcher for the government, one who would work on the more technical side of things. “They said I matched their requirements perfectly,” he said, that “as soon as I finish my studies, I have the job.”
Their parents politely clapped their approval. Fey gave a thumbs-up, but quickly put it down before it was criticized.
He left a couple months later, much to feyr delight, and, sometime in the middle of his moving, fey met Ora.
Ora was rather peculiar, but in a way Green appreciated. Xe was loud and boisterous, unashamed of xemself and their attitude. Xe had an unusually large family, with three siblings and two parents (who were rather similar to Green’s, just a little more strict). Xe liked to argue or ramble about anything and everything, sometimes things that Green had never heard of, but enjoyed learning about nonetheless.
At some point, xe started to come over a lot more often. Sometimes xe even stayed overnight, but would abruptly leave before the sun rose. It became a monthly, weekly, daily occurance, one that Green had even started to expect. Not that fey minded, they were more than happy to let Ora into feyr home, but it was... odd, in a way. Why not stay home more often? What was there that xe wanted to avoid, but couldn’t?
When Green asked about it, while the two of them were in feyr room, xe gave a weighted sigh. Weighted with stress and something else, but Green was never good at deciphering feelings.
“Cenn left, recently.” Xe admitted, twirling a loose piece of fabric in between xyr fingers. “Not willingly, mind you, our parents kicked vem out.”
“My brother left too,” Green said, trying to be somewhat sympathetic, since feyr barely knew anything about xyr siblings. “He’s working for the government now, I haven’t heard from him in awhile.”
Ora frowned at that, shaking xyr head a bit, “you don’t get it, they won’t let vem back in. I tried to go with vem, but I was stopped before I could do anything. They won’t even listen to me when I tell them that they’re being extreme.”
“Why were ve kicked out?”
“Ve— well,” Ora faltered, keeping xyr eyes far away from Green’s puzzled face, xyr voice becoming as quiet as a mouse.
Really, that was the most concerning part. Ora wasn’t quiet, Ora was anything but quiet. Xe wasn’t as meek as society would like, and xe relished in it. Green had never heard xem be soft with xyr words, and it was weird. Unsettling.
“...you can’t, you can’t tell anyone, ok? I don’t want vem to get in any more trouble.”
Green paused at that, raising a brow at feyr friend. What had Cenn done, murdered someone? Sell something ve shoudln’t? Summon a demon? What would Green be agreeing to, if fey were to tell no one?
Ora nodded, sitting up as xe spoke, “ve don’t believe in the government’s ways. Ve thinks that women should work, if they want, and men should stay at home, if they want. Ve thinks anyone can marry any gender, and that there’s more than just ‘girls and boys,’ even that you shouldn't have to get married if you don’t wanna! And— and a bunch of other junk— I can’t remember it all, but I— I can’t help but agree with vem.” Xyr voice just quieted down more as xe spoke, “Ve just— ve made sense, or at least more than the government— and, hell, I don’t want to be a girl, y’know? I don’t want a husband, or kids, or a marriage at all, and I don’t wanna be cooped up in a house for the rest of my life. I want to live for me, not for some family that older men in suits say I need to have.”
Green couldn’t help but agree.
Fey didn’t get to think about it around anyone else, not for a long while, at least, but she thought about what Ora said, and it felt like common sense. It made fey doubt the way the world worked, for once, always second-thinking what fey was told by feyr parents.
Which, in hindsight, was probably for the best, as fey moved away a year later.
Her new home was in a smaller neighborhood, with smaller houses, a little more trash around the ground, a little less prim and proper, but it was colorful. It looked like people lived here, instead of dolls. The graffiti had the passion of an artist, the wheel tracks had the enthusiasm of a skater, the trees were crooked enough to house real, living animals, not a mocking interpretation of them.
Even the houses were different, with a slightly bluer or a slightly yellower roof. Four panel windows or two panels. Red or brown bricks, doors with and without bells. It was beautiful.
Fey was already a little happier here, and if Ora could’ve joined feyr, it would have been perfect.
But, fey wasn’t left alone again, for she got to meet Ash. Ash wasn’t as loud as Ora, not vocally, but they were much more rebellious visually. They were androgynous on purpose, cutting up and resewing their uniformed outfits, to their own style. They refused to partake in anything traditional, but they weren’t even aggressive about it. They just lived as themself, for themself.
Maybe that confidence was why Green became quick friends with them, or maybe it was the familiarity in having a rebellious friend. Either way, Green was feeling a little more alive, having more than one person to validate their questioning of the world.
“Good lord, you’re dramatic,” they teased, on the last day fey would see them, “it’s just a front kick, not like I made you do the splits.” Despite their joking, they tried tugging Green off the ground, but fey just lay in place, a mocking hand over feyr forehead.
“I cannot move, for I have broken my leg and it will never work again.” fey cried, monotony, failing to hide a few chuckles, “Just leave me here to perish. This is the end for me.”
Ash rolled their eyes fondly, dropping Green’s arm and lightly kicking feyr side. “Please, that’s one of the easier moves. You’re just lazy.”
“No, I’m dead. You’re talking to a corpse right now, actually.”
“Hmm…” they tapped their foot in thought for a few moments, “well, if you’re dead, then I guess you can’t have lunch with us. We were gonna have chocolate milk and PBJ’s, but—”
“Aaand suddenly I’m alive again! What a miracle modern medicine is,” Green hastily stood up, much to Ash’s amusement. The enby laughed as Green bolted feyr way downstairs, a sudden craving for food on her mind. It’s not feyr fault that childish meals tasted better than healthy stuff, or that Ash knew how to bribe feyr.
But, when fey got downstairs, she freezed.
Lying down on the ground, with steaming holes punctured through their bodies, were Ash’s parents. Neither could breathe, but Green could see the floor from where they were shot. Ash’s mom looked as though she tried to scream, and Ash’s dad had scraped fists, as if he tried to fight their killers. Blasters were removed from being pointed at their chest, with two men in full-armour spotting Green, at the bottom of the steps. The clunking from their armour was gentle, melodic, as they approached feyr, with red staining their gear and footsteps.
This was probably the first time that Green would’ve preferred the grey walls, compared to the cherry color on dull paint and carpet.
...fey had to tell Ash. They were oblivious upstairs, still believing that their parents were alive, that they hadn’t just been killed while they were goofing around.
But she couldn’t move. Feyr breathing got heavier, but she wasn’t able to move feyr limbs as they got closer. Only when one of their hands approached— knuckles painted red, of course— did fey zoom past them, escaping through the front door, her shoes sloshing from the sound of stepping in blood.
In hindsight, fey should've stayed inside. At least then, fey wouldn’t have seen the horrors happening in her town.
Surrounding feyr, was reddening skies, beams and discs of light coming out from blasters of all kinds. People were screaming for no more than a second, before dropping dead on the floor. Children, her age, younger, older, all of them were being taken by these— these invaders— and those who fought back were killed on the spot, without a second thought. Homes were wrecked in the damage, some burned to the ground, some collapsing from the effect of blasters, some just too covered in blood to ever be restored fully.
Fey felt sick, terrified for feyr life. Yet that pure fear would be feyr last blessing for a long, long time, as she wouldn’t get to feel sick, joyous, frustrated— anything— for years to come.
System restarting. Old files.gov have been successfully archived! Memory files have been restored!
“Ok, I think I did it.” Mochi mumbled, exhaustion creeping in their voice. It had taken the technician nearly a day, constantly calling Niko to help with the coding, screwing and unscrewing panels with apprehension (though thankfully, they didn’t find any more organs), pulling an all-nighter when they had a breakthrough. Beta and Takeover kept watch outside, occasionally checking in on their technician, but otherwise giving them the space they needed to work.
They closed the largest panel at the back of robo-human’s head— the one that was filled with wires and programming (and, mini panels, one being the one that Mochi would keep closed). They gently shook the stranger’s shoulder, then head, trying to carefully wake them up.
Parts of their body that once glowed a red, now were a faint blue, so Mochi took that as a good sign. They propped the stranger against the tent’s wall, waiting for any sign of life, as Takeover and Beta walked next to where Mochi sat.
“Do you think this’ll work?” They asked, sparing a quick glance at their two friends.
Beta shrugged, and Takeover gave a nod, not looking away from the stranger. “Probably. You’re pretty good at what you do, and Niko is pretty clear when they give instructions. If this doesn’t work, then nothing would.”
Mochi gave a stiff nod, waiting with bated breath for the robot-person to awaken. “I just... I don’t want this to fail, y’know? We’ve already extended our stay here, and frankly, we’re just lucky that we haven’t been caught, or that this... person, hasn’t dropped dead.”
“I know,” Takeover muttered, placing a hand on Mochi’s shoulder, “but... all we can do is wait. You’ve done the best you can, and you should be proud of the progress you have made, not the progress you didn’t.”
The trio let Takeover’s words settle in, descending on them like an airy blanket, with three eyes trained on the robotic human before them.
They didn’t have to wait long.
Tagged by @zalie Thanks bud ^_^
1. When is your birthday? October 27th
2. What’s your favorite color? I'm not sure to be honest, it changes with how I'm feeling or what I'm looking at, lately red
3. What’s your lucky number? 42
4. Do you have any pets? I do!!! I have a yellow lab. He's the best <3
5. How tall are you? 5"5
6. How many pairs of shoes do you own? I believe 17
7. Favorite song? Oof loaded question I have too many haha At the moment I really adore 'Sweet Hibiscus Tea' by Penelope Scott
8. Favorite movie? Why must you make me choose??? I'd have to say Lord of the Rings Extended Trilogy. 'That still only counts as one' ;)
9. What’s your ideal partner? Someone who gets me that I get too
10. Do you want children? Maybe. I'm only 21 and honestly haven't thought about it much
11. Have you gotten in trouble with the law? I have not
12. What color socks are you wearing? ...invisible...I'm barefoot haha
13. Bath or shower? Shower, hands down
14. Favorite type of music? Most everything. I really like bedroom pop or indie music though
15. How many pillows do you sleep with? 2 1/2
16. What position do you sleep in? Usually on my stomach or on my side
17. What do you not like when you’re sleeping? Being too warm
18. What do you have for breakfast? I usually don't eat it, but when I do its a PBJ on toast
19. Have you ever tried archery? I have! We had to do it in gym class, but I'd like to learn again
20. Favorite fruit? Ooooh it's a tie between Peaches and Honeycrisp apples
21. Favorite swear word? I don't swear much, but probably 'F*cknuggets'
22. Do you have any scars? Surprisingly no. The one that should have would be tiny and I can't see it
23. Are you a good liar? I'm not, and I don't like to lie
24. What’s your personality type? ENFP I think, but everything was down the middle so who knows haha
25. What’s your favorite type of girl? She knows
26. Left or right handed? Right Handed
27. Favorite food? Hmmm Pizza? I don't really have favorites, but I do love me some Cadbury Creme Eggs
28. Are you clean or messy? Very clean, but I can be messy
29. Favorite foreign food? Does spaghetti count? I'm American, everything's technically from other cultures
30. How long does it take for you to get ready? Maybe 20 mins, but sometimes an hour or so
31. Most used phrase? Oh dear/oh balls
32. Are you a good singer? I think I'm alright
33. Do you sing to yourself? Near constantly
34. Biggest fear? Hurting/losing/bothering the people I care about...and sharks...it's the teeth
35. Do you like long hair or short hair? I like either
36. Are you into gossip? Not really
37. Extrovert or introvert? Ambivert
38. Fave school subject? Music, art, or history. In college: music, film, and psych...I liked anatomy and literature too though
39. What makes you nervous? Many things, I've got anxiety my dudes
40. Who was your first real crush? I would say probably my best friend. I didn't get crushes a lot, but I really liked him. We're both gay now :D
41. How many piercings do you have? I had two in my earlobes but I took 'em out. Kinda want them back though...and maybe more...
42. How fast can you run? Fairly. I used to be real fast (softball player) but I've slowed down a bit
43. What makes you angry? Injustice, bullying, people coming after my people
44. Do you like your own name? I do. It's unique
45. What are your weaknesses? Probably my arms hehehe I dunno, my over-analysis/over-thinking and impatience
46. What are your strengths? I'm kind and understanding
47. What is the color of your bedspread? Brown, white, and blues
48. Color of your room? Surf blue and white
I'll tag @lespressobean0415 @zuko-the-turtleduck @claracaboozle and anyone else who'd like to join in
rules: answer these 30 questions and then tag 20 people you'd like to get to know better.
Tagged by: @haroldtheyre-thespians thank you!
Star sign: gemini
Height: 5'5″ ish (a lil shorter maybe)
Time: 6:29 pm
Birthday: june 12
Favorite bands: The Highwomen (do they count as a band... i think technically they are a “super group” haha
Favorite solo artists: Idina Menzel
Song stuck in my head: Restless - Gabourel
Last movie I watched: We’re the Millers
Last show: I Love Dick (look i’m having a kathryn hahn meltdown. there are actually queer characters in that show tho so it wasn’t a complete waste of time)
When did I create this blog: 2012
What I post: whatever TV shows and actresses i’m currently being gay about
Other blogs: i have a sideblog where i post my fanfic... it’s @lightningmaystrike but i don’t really advertise it here much haha
Last thing I googled: Sessions Live
Do I get asks: sometimes! I seem to be getting a little more than usual lately which is fun
Why I chose my url: because back in 2012 I saw a quote on K Cheno’s twitter bio that i liked and decided to make a url based on it.
Average hours of sleep: idk probably like 6-7... I used to be better at getting 8 but hmm
Lucky number: I always liked 12 and 21
Instruments: piano/keyboard, saxophone, guitar, drums, a tiny bit of flute
What am I wearing: jeans, a plaid shirt, a maroon bomber jacket... yes i am a lesbian.
Dream trip: New York City to Broadway babyyyy
Favorite food: chocolate
Nationality: united states of american
Last book I read: Piranesi by Susanna Clarke (yes i have not read anything since then... and yes i’m still only half way through Gideon the Ninth)
Top 3 fictional worlds I'd like to live in: look. I still want the wizarding world to be real. so some version of a magical world but that’s not built on transphobia and racism. I would also like to live in the world of Artemis Fowl that also has cool magic and fairies and shit. (not the movie version the books. and only books 1-5 count everything after that fucked up the world building too much). oh i get to put three... hmmmm something with dragon riders but i dunno which version.
Favorite color: lately i think it’s been purple cuz i just keep buying purple and wine colored clothes.
not tagging 20 people but @middle-aged-women-trash @gabi-the-sag-mess @rosalie-starfall @justkes @holdwine @pbj-at-the-roadside-cafe @spacedust-sapphic idk anyone else who wants to do it.
Top 5 Fics of 2020
Tagged by @the-lincyclopedia to post my five favorite works I made this year.
Rules: it’s time to love yourselves! choose your 5 (ish) favorite works you created in the past year (fics, art, edits, etc.) and link them below to reflect on the amazing things you brought into the world in 2020. tag as many writers/artists/etc. as you want (fan or original) so we can spread the love and link each other to awesome works!
1. All My Underdogs - This was such a labor of love. It’s a sequel to New Face of Failure, which was an OMGCP Reverse Bang piece. By the time I was writing it, I was mostly out of the check please fandom, but I wanted to get this idea out, and it took ages. Everyone else into pbj appeared to have left the fandom too, as it got way less attention than the other major works I’ve written for that, but it makes me smile. It involved making a piece of art, and also getting with @maramcgregor to create an actual program capable of winning bronze in the 2010 Olympics specifically, neither of which were actually required of me, but I can’t stand to half-ass a fic. Kent and the sunglasses, or the pie crust—it gets me every time. This was one of those fics where you just have a moment in your head that you’re writing to get to, and it’s Kent striking the final pose. That image was in my head for weeks.
2. Disrespect - I wrote this after getting comparatively badly triggered and being something of a mess about it for a couple days. Knowing everything I put in the story didn’t help, but somehow, writing it did. It was my first ATLA fic, I was completely unknown in the fandom, and I expected like, a handful of kudos and a comment or two. It blew most of my previous stats out of the water and was the first fic I’ve ever had break 1000 kudos. People poured into the comments to thank me and gush about it, and I’m a slut for attention, so I made it into a series and here we are 44k later. Technically it falls second to last in the series, but I’m leaving it at the beginning because it’s still the best written and I have no shame.
3. Love - Part 10 of disrespect!verse and probably the one I reread most often. There’s just something about Iroh and Zuko’s arcs that hits just right. Zuko has to comfort his loved ones with actual words, and that’s so not his love language, but dammit, he’s going to try.
4. Principle - Part 11 of disrespect!verse. Jet is sassy, and horny for Zuko and really mad about it, and I think I handled him all right. Also there definitely isn’t enough parkour Zuko in fic. “Zuko runs up the goddamn wall and Jet hates him even more” lives in my head rent free.
5. Control - Part 8 of disrespect!verse. This one took a lot of very careful balancing between empathizing with Azula and not letting her off the hook, and the comments seem to think I did it well. You don’t see a lot of Azula going through the getting better process, and I wanted to show that. It just closely edges out Closure, which comes right after and picks up all the same threads.
Tagging @voidcenturyscholar and @romancedawning , @sword-and-stars, @zukka-soulmates, and @maramcgregor
Karolina dean, maddie buckley, pbj
who? | only know their name | loathe | ugh | overrated | indifferent | dead | alive | just okay | cute | badass | my baby | hot | want to marry | favorite | i don't only know her name bc i know she's gay and has rainbow powers and dated julie power but that's it 😔
who? | only know their name | loathe | ugh | overrated | indifferent | dead | alive | just okay | cute | badass | my baby | hot | want to marry | favorite
who? | only know their name technically nobody knows his name | loathe | ugh | overrated | indifferent | dead | alive | just okay | cute | badass | my baby | hot | want to marry | favorite | i have never seen a man i love more | please watch this show
Summary: The groupchat finds the contents of Crockett’s locker (implied alcoholism)
Other Bekker: the chat is dead
Maggie<3: Most of us are at work
Maggie<3: I’m only on here because it’s chemo time.
Maggie<3: Caroline says hi!
Other Bekker: hi caroline!!!!!
[Maggie<3 has sent an image to the chat]
Other Bekker: looking fire ladies
Nat: How’s that going btw
Maggie<3: Up and down, mostly.
crickett: has lanik come back yet
Nat: No and also aren’t you supposed to be in surgery
crickett: noah is doing it
crickett: @Maggie<3 can you put them in the chat pls
Other Bekker: not to be #dramatic but
Other Bekker: ava and i…
Other Bekker: are looking at houses
crickett: hell yeah congrats
Bekker: @OtherBekker that’s supposed to be a secret until the housewarming party!! Next thing I know you’re going to tell them the other surprise
Other Bekker: shh too loud
Ethan Choi: Tell us the secret
[Maggie<3 has added “Dr. Lanik” to the chat]
Dr. Lanik: I specifically asked you not to put me in this chat again.
Maggie<3: It’s good for you
[Maggie<3 has added “no-ah” to the chat]
crickett: NOW THAT THE GANGS ALL HERE
crickett: CRAWFISH BOIL ON FRIDAY
crickett: u know how much crawfish is coming to my house @April? do u have any clue?
Nat: You have to give more notice about these things.
crickett: u didnt come last time so now you have to
Ethan Choi: All of you are coming because if I have to spend the week eating leftover crawfish, you’re all dead to me.
no-ah: Ditto. Crockett brings me food every day and I need variety
Ethan Choi: @crickett ????
crickett: if i dont then he forgets to eat :(( i bring food for @QueenElsa and @OtherBekker pretty often too. my kids now.
Other Bekker: dad?
Ethan Choi: You don’t even make lunch for me!
crickett: ur a big boy
crickett: u can cut the crust off ur own pbj
Ethan Choi: Then you can make your own frittata.
crickett: @Dr.Lanik hes bullying me
Dr. Lanik: You kind of started it.
Nat: Can someone cover my shift today?
FreeWilly: @Nat gotchu
Bekker: I don’t want to start drama but hey @crickett why do you have bourbon in your locker?
crickett: for sexy reasons
Ethan Choi: Let’s not talk about this here.
FreeWilly: Lanik just called Crockett out of the ED
Bekker: Oh no
Bekker: I really didn’t mean to cause trouble is everything okay??
Ethan Choi: There’s just a long history there, you didn’t do anything wrong @Bekker. But thanks for telling us about that.
Wifey: I really didn’t mean to cause problems.
Sarah: we all know that! you had no way of knowing
Wifey: Is he okay?
Sarah: he had like six months sober
[crickett has left the chat]
Maggie<3: Is everything okay?
Dr. Lanik: Everything is okay. He’s on temporary leave.
Bekker: How long?
Dr. Lanik: Six months or so.
Queen Elsa: Should we be worried?
FreeWilly: he’ll be okay. you weren’t here but he’s done this whole cycle before
Ethan Choi: @FreeWilly don’t say it like that.
connor: @FreeWilly not cool
Other Bekker: lets all calm down
Ethan Choi: A heads up, there will also be no boil this friday.
Dr. Bekker (Blonde): Hey
Dr. Bekker (Blonde): Are you okay?
Dr. Bekker (Blonde): I didn’t mean to get you in trouble
Dr. Bekker (Brunette): were all worried about you so just message us when you have the chance
Nat: So how’s everyone’s day going?
no-ah: It’s okay the ED is busy
April: Lowkey glad it’s my day off
FreeWilly: if Charles butts into my patients’ rooms ONE MORE TIME
Other Bekker: stealing patients is crocketts job
FreeWilly: low blow when he isnt here to defend himself
Dr. Lanik: We don’t need to talk about Dr. Marcel in this chat.
[Ethan Choi has named the chat “Crockett”]
[Ethan Choi has added “Other Bekker” to the chat]
[Ethan Choi has added “FreeWilly” to the chat]
[Ethan Choi has added “April” to the chat]
[Ethan Choi has added “no-ah” to the chat]
Ethan Choi: Sorry to start a new chat but I know you’re all Crockett’s good friends and obviously we need to talk about this
Ethan Choi: Did anybody know he was drinking again?
no-ah: I thought he might have been but wasnt sure and you know how he gets
Other Bekker: is he going to get fired?
FreeWilly: no jimmy isnt firing him. he and goodwin vouch for him since hes a good doctor
April: So what do we do next?
Ethan Choi: Goodwin called me and recommended a rehab facility
no-ah: Aren’t those for hard drugs
Other Bekker: theyre for anybody who needs rehab
Ethan Choi: It seemed like he was doing so much better. He’s been taking his meds and everything
FreeWilly: he’s seemed fine at work too
Ethan Choi: Does anybody think he’ll actually go to rehab?
April: Didn’t the hospital mandate it?
FreeWilly: jimmy says no. they just mandate he seek treatment. he goes to aa
Ethan Choi: He stopped going to meetings after he hit thirty days
Queen Elsa: Dr. Halstead is committing malpractice again
FreeWilly: it’s not technically malpractice
Queen Elsa: I hate this hospital
connor: doctors who dont commit malpractice solidarity
Maggie<3: It worries me that you joke about this
Dr. Lanik: Legally, it has been one month since our last malpractice suit
Dr. Lanik: @Nat
Nat: It was dismissed.
connor: i feel like that doesnt fix it
Nat: Will is the one who technically committed malpractice
Queen Elsa: How about none of us should commit malpractice
Other Bekker: ^^^
Bekker: You know who doesn’t commit malpractice
Bekker: Dr. Latham
connor: love that guy
Queen Elsa: Dr. Latham is one of three doctors in this hospital I respect
April: Who are the other two?
no-ah: definitely not halstead or manning
connor: is one of them Goodwin
Queen Elsa: Mrs. Goodwin isn’t even a doctor.
Queen Elsa: However, I do fully respect her as a superior and as a person.
Ethan Choi: Who else do you respect I actually really wanna know
Queen Elsa: It changes depending on the week.
no-ah: so she’s mysterious
Nat: Uh hey guys guess who I just ran into
[Nat has sent an image to the chat]
Ethan Choi: Where is this?
Nat: The gas station by the hospital. He’s arguing with the cashier about the price of discount vodka.
Ethan Choi: I’m on my way to pick him up.
FreeWilly: so that’s alarming
Ethan Choi: He’s not drunk, just really upset.
April: Praying for you both <3
Dr. Lanik: Mandatory substance abuse presentation in the projection room today.
Queen Elsa: Isn’t that dramatic?
Dr. Lanik: The last doctor of ours before who had a drinking problem jumped off the roof of the hospital. Given that Dr. Marcel is also struggling, the execs want a presentation about substance abuse and treatment and rehab options covered by our insurance.
Ethan Choi: Yeah I’m gonna be at home with Crockett actually so I won’t be going
Dr. Lanik: This is mandatory.
connor: ok boomer
Dr. Lanik: Number one, we’re the same age. I’m actually pretty sure you’re older than me. Number two, this isn’t a joke.
connor: does he have… a heart?
Dr. Lanik: Very funny.
Maggie<3: I actually do think we should all go, that way if somebody on staff (other than Crockett) is struggling, they can get the support they need
Dr. Lanik: Half of you will be paged before lunch, the other half afterward. Thank you.
Crockett: jsyk im not mad at you
Dr. Bekker (Blonde): Are you okay?
Crockett: i will be.
2 and 13?
2. grilled cheese or pbj?
grilled cheese! peanut butter is gross 🤢
13. brunch or midnight snacks?
technically my breakfast is brunch and that's my favourite meal of the day so brunch it is
send me a number!
You’re not usually this quiet...
Summary: Although things have not been working well, you still come and fulfil your promise to go picnic with your best friends; Freddie and his boyfriend Jim, Mary, and the other three boys and their significant others. Well, not really. You ended up just with Freddie, because Jim and Mary got something urgent in their workplace, and Freddie is too angry to listen for any more excuses from the other boys. It doesn’t take long for Freddie to notice something is wrong with his best friend.
Pairing: Freddie x Jim.
Warning: Angst. Fluff. Freddie is with Jim, so he’s your best friend instead of a boyfriend. Apologies for any Freddie’s stan.
Inspired by: Friends Will Be Friends. Spread Your Wings. Keep Passing The Open Windows.
Dedicated to: Those who need the kindest of words, the highest of spirit, and the softest of reassurance. Do not give up. It’s okay to fall, so long you get back up again. You are important.
You sighed deeply. You try not to, but you can’t hold yourself back. It is simply too heavy, too stressful. You cannot comprehend what happened anymore, things just crumble one by one, falling into you. Every single one hurts. From getting evicted due to the late payment, you’re fired because of some arsehole customers, and because of all that accumulated stress, you take it out on your friends and cause a big fight. So right now you’re at your parents' house, in your childhood bedroom. You’re completely relieved from your parents’ understanding of your situation, but it still felt bad and embarrassing.
You’ve already cried all night, sleep until the afternoon, and hardly eat. Mother can tolerate one day of break down, but after the third day of the same cycle, you couldn’t blame her to get worried. You put an act, to wash down the worries that were fortunately easy to do. Seeing her getting affected by your blue only adds to the bleeding wound, something impossible to bear. But you did it. One accomplishment after a clusterfuck that has happened. One small celebration that quickly makes you feel worse for your dishonesty, to your own mother.
“I’m so fucking pathetic.” It’s a raspy whisper at eleven pm. The room is dark, you left the windows open, letting the remaining spring’s wind in. You didn’t even bother to cover yourself, you think you deserve to get sick at the beginning of summer. Deserve to feel every layer of hurt and pain for making things much worse. You wish to cry, to let the pain out, maybe sobbing uncontrollably like before. But no tears came out. Your eyes’ so dry, every time the wind hits you it became very itchy.
One bright thought fly about in your brain, it was the famous saying in Japanese; “Only idiots catch a cold in summer. I am an idiot enough to deserve it, at least.”
Things get boring fast. You can’t cry, you can’t sleep. You’re hungry, but you don’t want to wake your parents by making noise in the kitchen. You’re too scared to touch your laptop, afraid it will remind you of your friends that you already hurt. Another thought is floating around, it has been since the day you’re home, every time you see an open window. The night sky is just too beautiful sometimes it makes you lazy. You really wish you have the energy to do something and have your mind distracted from the thought. Far too occupied thinking a way through, you almost miss the sound of a phone call. You leave it to ring only to die, and it repeats thrice before the caller are forced to leave you a voicemail.
“Whatever you’re doing, dear y/n, to ignore my call like this, I hope you’re having tons of fun. But don’t forget about our promise tomorrow, please? Picnic by the lake. We’ll see you at the usual rendezvous point. A bottle of wine as an apology is required! Au revoir!”
You feel a tingle of hope after listening to your best friend, Freddie, cheerful voice. He’s clearly drunk, he’s clearly with Jim and Mary from the chatter in the background, and he’s clearly isn’t pleased by something else beforehand to be pissed off by your typical interest lack thereof. And nothing could annoy him more than those three boys; Bri, Rog, and John. But that doesn’t bother you, the fact that you feel like there’s another option to get your mind off of all the terrible things that weigh you down give you the power to get up and message him; “Copy that.” And removing any bullshit excuses or lies that should’ve come after that. As always, he left you on read, and you try your best to assure yourself that he’s not mad at you, it’s just Freddie being Freddie—he even left Jim on read, and you’re absolutely sure more than he does to you.
“I still can’t sleep.” You talk to yourself as you sit at the edge of the bed. Your room is a complete mess, just like your life currently. But the light from the lamp post in the garden falls on your favourite blue top on the floor. At least you can prepare for your clothes tomorrow and iron them, make yourself presentable you thought. Maybe some late night snack too when you have the energy to make some jam on toast?
“You’re already awake, hun?” Your mother greets you as you prepare breakfast for your parents. “How are you today?”
“Much better.” You shrugged. “PBJs, coffee and tea for you and dad.”
“Lovely! Thank you so much, dear! How about you, honey? Have you eaten breakfast yet? You have been skipping a meal here and there, you have to eat.” She asks as she takes a seat, sipping upon the warm tea you made.
“Already ate. I'm going picnic with Freddie and his friends, so I better get going now. See you later, mum.” You kiss her cheek as you pack a bottle of wine. “Oh, and may I have this? I wouldn’t be out for too long, and I can buy your groceries in exchange, just message me the list?”
“Sure, dear! Have fun! I bet Freddie would be impressed with how you dress up!”
You bite back the reply He might not and instead said; “Absolutely, mum! It’s Freddie after all!” You try to lie to yourself that what you’re saying is indeed true, that Freddie will make things better, if not, his friends will, which technically because of Freddie too. You try to distract your mind from the creeping ugly memories that keep saying you shouldn’t have fun. That you should’ve just stayed and suffered for your own doings. To take the full consequence and feel bad about it, and must find the solution and fix it before you’re allowed to enjoy summer. You scroll through your camera roll to see the pictures of Freddie and his friends. Although unfortunately all of them already taken, you still can enjoy looking at the cute faces of Brian, Roger, and John. You don’t really care about a relationship right now—especially not right now when you feel like shit and your existence will absolutely be a burden rather than the opposite of it. Before the bad thoughts could fight back, you receive a call from Freddie.
“I’m five minutes away from the site. How’re you?” You answered.
“Hungover. Badly. And out of ten people picnic today? Only the two of us could make it.”
“You are pardoned. And yes, darling. Only the two of us could make it. You have to forgive me, after the third excuse that came after Mary—and was from Jim too, what a bad luck it was,—I’m really not in the mood to hear anymore without starting a fight and potentially severe my friendships with those bastards. Not with this bloody headache. So I told them to go fuck themselves for cancelling our summer picnic we have planned after six fucking months—.”
“Are you driving?”
“God, thanks for reminding me, I almost hit a passing grandma.” His sarcasm was left unanswered by you. “I'm shitfaced and careful, so I will be arriving a wee later. I stole Roger’s car. But once I’m there, you’re driving, okay?”
“Good. See you soon, love.”
“See you, Fred—.”
You can feel the anger boiling inside of you when your anxiety trying to make of Freddie’s hanging up as your fault. In your mind you told yourself that Freddie was already angry, besides, he’s driving, and it’s bad to drive and call at the same time, so him hanging up without hearing you saying goodbye is perfectly justified. But your hand shakes still, a small panic starts rising, you quickly close your eyes in response, calming yourself down. You’re glad when reality soon catches up as the bus give out the ding, you’ve arrived at the Seaside Cafe. It doesn’t take long too for Freddie to arrive with Roger’s favourite car, fortunately, unscathed.
“Hop in, dear. These buildings and peoples didn’t help my pounding head.” He jumps on the passenger seat once you open the driver seat door. “Oh, you bring foods and wine? Absolutely fantastic! I know I can count on you, my lovely y/n!”
You smiled and nod as you slowly hit the gas. You’re glad your friends didn’t tell Freddie and his gang about your fight with them, so at least you don’t have to deal with that problem for now. Not until you’re ready to face it again. But that thought is coming back; in between Freddie’s gossips, him offering you one Roger’s leftover Marlboro and light it up for you, or the fact that he drinks the rest of Roger’s wine that was left on the back seat as he comments how disgusting it tasted so glad he didn’t give the rest to you. Only when the silence comes you notice you haven’t been paying any attention to Freddie, too caught up fighting your anxiety back.
You give him a couple second of side glance; he’s busy lighting another smoke that you’re pretty sure are his fourth since he found the pack. He inhaled it deeply before exhaling it depressingly slow outside the window. The mood swiftly turned sour and heavy, and again, your anxiety knows how to spin it and make it as your fault. And you’re starting to believe it. You grip the steer tightly as you try to hold back the shaking. Your heart rate raises, and you start to feel that cold sweat running down your temple and your breaths getting shorter.
“You’re not usually this quiet with me, darling.” He almost makes you jump, although you successfully hold back your body reaction by blinking repetitively. “Whose breaking your heart?”
“Myself.” You answered before you could even think. “Let’s not talk about it when I’m driving, smoking, and cannot breathe.”
He snatches your smoke on your lip and has it off on Roger’s dashboard. That’ll start a huge fight later, you’re calling it.
“I need a bit of wine to calm myself.” You cut him off when he’s reaching for your mum’s bottle of wine. “Later, Fred. I’m driving. We might die, but Roger wouldn’t be happy if I cause any dent on his baby.”
“So we’ll die either way.” He laughs, already tipsy. “Alright, darling. Go drive like a champ.”
The rest of the ride was unexciting but feels much better. Freddie gives you space to breathe and to focus on driving. When the lake is visible, you already feel like your stress is slowly deteriorating. Shame really, only you and Freddie could come. The more the merrier they say. Or at least if that’s the case, you don’t have to promise Freddie and tell him all the batshit crazy things that have been haunting you. You’re not sure you can start without breaking down, and all of the sudden the tears that are non-existent last night will pour down like a waterfall. You’re betting on that. But, that’s your anxiety talking again.
“Move, darling. I’ll park the car, you lay down the cloth for us to sit. Make sure you pour a full glass of wine for me too, hmm?”
You listened to him obediently and taking the picnic basket you’ve prepared all night with you. It cost you a good night sleep that never came. The wind immediately welcomed you outside the car. The sky is decorated with small white clouds, giving the stage all for the sun to warm every inch of your body whilst the some of the spring breezes felt like the nostalgic cooling with past lovers, completes the satisfying feeling that describes how summer should feel. You can’t enjoy it for long as Freddie soon catch up, trying not to fall over walking on the tall grass.
“What’s on the menu today, dear chef?” He says, practically fell on the cloth right after you tidy them. “Sandwiches I hope? We’re having a picnic after all. Oh, and the wine, where is it?”
You pour him almost a glass full of it whilst you’re trying not to lose yourself and only pour not even two fifth of your glass. You’re glad he doesn’t comment on it.
“Ah! Some fruits too! Magnificent! Jim would be extra jealous to know you’re preparing this well!” He quickly eats the grapes you brought. “Sour and juicy! A little bit of sweetness! Like life! Ah, cheers to that, darling!”
You raise your glass whilst slowly sipping the sweet wine. It was delicious and strong. Maybe your mum knows your condition quite fully, giving you a lot of space to deal with it, and thus allowing you to have her favourite bottle of wine in hope to give you more way to let it all out. You take a mental and a phone note to make sure you buy her favourite cakes later as a thank you. She already sent you the long grocery list, you might have to borrow Roger’s car for a little longer.
“So, dear? Let’s not pretend like you don’t have something to tell me, yes? Don’t bottle it in, darling. It’ll crack and eventually breaks. We don’t want that, surely?”
You take a good amount of consideration whilst to prepare yourself mentally and emotionally. After staring at your wine and at Freddie, you finally add more wine in your glass and drink them in one gulp. Better cry now than later. And so you tell him everything. What has been happening in one month flat. As if having the sky falling down on you and destroys everything you’ve built. And you make it worse by destroying the rest that is left in blind frustration and rage. Now you’re here. Regretting every bits and piece of it, blaming every single bad thing you just experienced on yourself only. You feel too powerless, too overwhelmed to get back up. What are you supposed to do? How to get rid of the sadness that keeps coming and building in you? How to fix everything when there’s nothing left to fix?
“I have. There are no more tears left in my eyes.”
“There’s no one here. Even if there is, do you think you’d care? Scream, dear. Scream it all out. How unfair it is. How you feel sad and pathetic and useless. How everything is your fault. Do it, love.”
“Go on now.” He pours more wine into his glass. “I will be here. The lake is all yours.”
At first, you hesitate. Not really sure how to properly start a screaming session. Trying to ask Freddie since he’s the proper vocalist, only to receive his impatient glare as he slowly sips on his wine. You then awkwardly stands up, taking off your shoes, just in case, and get closer to the lake. The green scenery blown you away with its beauty, and to truly feel the summer again on your naked skin calms you, making you wish to take a nap. Again, Freddie is getting restless and he makes sure to tell you that by coughing quite forcefully.
“H-how am I to just scream? I never screamed for no reason before.”
“Well, change that, darling! How difficult is it really?”
“A little demo?”
It’s a hard no from the man. He fans himself with his hand as he waits. You no longer have a choice. At least nothing else that you can do, he has given you an option to choose, have you come up with anything better?
You try to yell at first. Saying you’re sad, why are you sad? Oh, right, all the shitty events that took place before that day. Are you stupid? Clearly, you are. You don’t even know why you’re blaming yourself for the things you have no control with. But what about getting angry at your friends for no particular reason? Well, maybe that’s your fault? Yeah! Why did you do that? You’re stressed? Why are you stressed? How to undo everything? Impossible! You don’t deserve the life you have before.
Eventually, you’re getting louder and louder to the point you almost hurt your throat. You keep asking questions that you answered. You don’t even know anymore whether anxiety is the one asking the question, or answering them. It’s a devilish cycle to the point you don’t know what question or answer lead to that, and you’re getting frustrated. Why are you like this? Why can’t it be simple?
“Because it can’t, darling. You’re human. Capable of any sort of emotions.” Freddie walks to your side, handing you your glass of wine that was half full. “That’s the beauty of it. Your problems have successfully kicked you down to the ground. You feel worthless? Feel it with all of your heart dear. But that doesn’t mean you aren’t a strong woman. You’re still here. You come, forget to sleep just to prepare all these?”
Freddie gently shakes the wine in his glass. “If you were truly have given up, I don’t think you’d be screaming. Even if you don’t come and cancel our plan like all of those pricks, then dear, I want you to scream. Get unreasonably angry at your pillows. Punch it. Kick it. If you can’t do that, write. Whenever there’s something in my mind, I write it down. I turn it into songs, then I will scream my lungs out as I sing it.”
“What if I can’t do all that, Fred?” You ask, voice hoarse.
“Then call me, love. Call me. Call Jim. Call Mary. Call everyone. Tell your parents. Don’t be shy, don’t be nervous. Every human has their up and downs. Just tell me everything. How it might not make any sense. Tell me, dear. You’ve got best friends that’ll help you get on your feet again. Darling, drink.”
You stare at your glass of wine. You can’t think straight, but you know you mustn’t drink too much. A sip. Two sips. Three sips.
“Y/n, you’re important. Your life is much too precious to be thrown away. You’re a brave, strong, girl. Even a hero has their time of weakness, dear. This is your times of weakness. And it’s perfectly fine to feel worthless and pathetic, feels as if there’s no light to guide you out the dark scary tunnel. But believe me, dear, you have to stand up, even just by an inch, a centimetre. Let your hands search the darkness. Reach out. If you can’t stand by yourself, reach out. And I will gladly pull you up. Any of your friends will pull you up. If you feel unloved, we will give you love.”
You can feel your eyes start getting teary. Finally, you thought. But is it true? What Freddie told you? You’re important? You’re brave and strong? Are you really worth their time? Worth their love?
Freddie touch your face, softly lift it up to face him.
“Darling. Whenever you feel lonely, you need a shoulder to cry on, you have your friends. You have me. Your best friend. If you don’t want my words, dear, then let me be there even in silence. Listen carefully, hmm? Your existence gives meanings to your friends. No matter how long it takes, we will be there for you. We will make you laugh. We will make you forget. We will make you face it with newfound motivation and self-worth. Because you are worth it. Okay? We love you. Don’t ever think you’re unloved.”
His thumb wipes the single tear that manages to escape. You hug him tight so suddenly his wine spilt on the grass, but he doesn’t mind. He returns your hug, just as warm, just as tight, and you both stayed like that for a while. Long enough for you to feel secure. That you’re not alone. That you will never be alone. You know deep down you’re strong, no matter how small those feelings are, hiding so it can survive the massive amount of self-doubt. You can stand up. You will stand up. Whatever it takes. Freddie will help you stand up again. Get you strong on your feet again, like what he has done right now.
“Thank you, Fred. I really need it.” You whispered after you finally let go of the hug. “Thank you.”
“Not a problem, darling. Just remember I will always be there if you need me, yes? And thanks for this.” He lifts up his glass. “To my courageous heroine, y/n! Come! Toast for yourself! You deserve it!”
“To me!” You smiled as you bring your glass up. “But that’s enough drink. I still have to drive.”
“Ah, boo! Party-pooper!” He sticks out his tongue. “Come, dear, let’s eat the food. You must’ve been hungry fighting yourself day and night! You need the energy to recover and heal! Don’t be shy, don’t be shy!”
Freddie tries not to spill any more of his wine as he walks towards the basket. He gestures you to follows him, smiling kindly and warmly. He even offered his hand when you’re getting closer, a hand that you whole-heartedly reach out and hold onto.
It’s been three days since the picnic with Freddie. A day after that you’re eager to look for a new job, your parents’ make sure to supports you mentally and emotionally, understand that you can stand by yourself, but make sure to be there when you fall again and in need of aid. But that’s not all. You contact your friends again, ask them if you can meet them to apologize for face to face. You’re already nervous when none of them is available that week until they follow up and give you date next week.
Half of the problems are fixed, you sighed in relieve. Although you still can’t find a new place yet even after contacting friends and looking around. It’s barely three days, you assure yourself. You still have plenty of times. Don’t rush or you might stumble and fall again. Do things slowly. You’re still recovering.
You check your phone after you’re out of Seaside Cafe for a job interview. Freddie and his friends blew it, nearly a hundred notifications from before you’re called for the interview. All of them asking how you’re doing. Some came straight —of course, it’s Brian and Veronica that’s worried the most—and say that Freddie is telling them about you being down, believing in his version of the truth that even after screaming at the lake you still feel sad and insecure. Freddie told you that he has taken care of slackers that cancel the plan on the date, making sure they don’t repeat it again.
“Another picnic, dear. Next month. What do you say? Specifically for you.”
“I really appreciate it, Fred, I really do. But don’t you think it’s a bit—?”
“Oh, shush! No buts! Yes or no?”
“It’s a yes, people! You’re only allowed to cancel five days before the date! Hey, listen, darlings! Five work days! And I won’t hear any objection! Especially not from you, Roger!”
You can hear in the background that Roger is still not through with Freddie tarnishing his dashboard with his smokes and his wine. You purposely tuned out the inappropriate bits about Freddie stealing his something and something related to “stuff” Roger would use on his date with his girlfriends.
“Let’s talk again later, how about that, Fred? My bus is here.” You say, although your actual excuse was that the conversations in his line have become so dirty you feel like you have to take a shower once you’re home.
“Of course, darling! Be careful on your way home! Remember this, y/n, we’re here for you. Alright?” You smiled.
Drabble Game #3
Here’s the prompts list. Some are taken from HERE while I wrote some of them by myself.
Drabble game is open for 24 hours from 0240 Malaysia Time (GMT +8).
RULES : Choose one or more prompts, choose one or more GOT7 or EXO member (Honestly I ever write for these two groups only.) and if you wish to make specific request, then write it down. I’ll see what I can make from it!
This drabble game will be around 200 to 500 words, depends on how creative my mind can get. And I’d like to thank you beforehand for requesting!
Ohh and as for today, 27th June 2019, I’ve gained 300+ followers and really, this drabble game is set to celebrate it! Thank you for following me, even though I’m basically posted nonsense.
Oh well, here you go!
1. “I don’t think I can do this anymore.”
2. I don’t really know when I learned to hide my emotions to protect other people. But it’s kinda fucked up and it hurts like hell
3. "Was I annoying today? I just wanna know"
4. “We’re room mates? Did your parents force you here too?”
5. “You ever wonder why the hell we did this?”
6. “You don’t know how to swim?!”
7. “We can share the shower, you know that right? It’s actually encouraged at this point.”
8. "I was gone for what? Two days and you've become a slut?"
9. “You know that thing your phone does…when it vibrates? It means I’m calling you."
10. “Sex. Sex. And Sex. That’s what I want for Christmas.”
11. “Beg me…or you’re not getting the charger.”
12. “You can’t be mean, because I cook the food…and I could technically poison you.”
13. "Are you serious?"
14. "Speak English!"
15. "All I ever cause you is losing some money." "And I could have bought a whole meal with it."
16. "All you gotta do is act stupid."
17. "What is Pbj?" "Please blowjob?"
18. "Stop making everything I said into something sensual!"
19. "Have you ever thought that maybe, MAYBE we are aliens?"
20. "Not gonna lie but she's hot" "Yeah I can see you're not lying"
21. "If I shoot through that hoop, we're going out."
22. "Have your friends ever tell you that your screw is quite loose?'
23. "I don't know about you but I don't want to die virgin"
24. "Once we hit 30 and none of us are in relationship, let's get married."
25. "Stop parading in your new skirt or you'll end up on the table instead of dinner"
26. "What did you do again."
27. “Did you just hiss at me?”
28. “Is it that time of the month?” “You literally ask me that whenever I’m mad at you!”
29. "I love you but if you wait for me to disagree, it's gonna be a long night."
30. “You weren’t supposed to see that.”
31. "I feel like at least you should tell me."
32. "I'm not weak but sometimes it's nice to be taken care of."
33. "Do not touch my tail or I'll snap yours into half."
34. "If my cat doesn't approve you then we cannot be together."
35. "I'm sorry."
36. "Shit did I just send you nudes?"
37. "Wait, you have Tumblr?"
38. “What time is it there?” “We’re in the same time-zone.”
39. “You still need your baby blanket?”
40. “Why did I marry you?” “It took a lot of convincing.”
41. "Why do you think I'm stupid?" "You need to google for the groceries I asked you to buy."
42. "But dad/mom! That is so unfair!"
43. "When will you ever listen?"
44. "Who're you going out with?"
45. "Listen. I'm your dad/mom and bad news, you're my daughter. Get back to your room."
46. "The only thing I ever regret was getting your mom pregnant."
47. "Did you just shush your own dad?"
48. "Nope. Not gonna happen."
49. "Can't you see it's not short? You wear glasses!" "Now I took it off and yes I can't see. Wear something else."
50. "Tell your mother that and if she smiles, count me in."
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here’s a fun game - name a version of a food that is still technically edible but is definitely pushing it. i’ll start: a PBJ but on a whole wheat tortilla with crunchy peanut butter and raspberry preserves
I had a wee Cas-related headcanon. And I thought @mittensmorgul etc will have done this to death so I searched #castiel #pb&j. Right? Not a sausage, much less a symbolically charged jelly and nut based bread snack. #cas + #pb & j, #pb n j. You get the picture. But seriously, someone has done the as-pie-is-to-Dean-so-pb&j-is-to-Cas meta/fic, right? He really liked it when he was human, but it just doesn’t do anything for him any more? #look, #I ship hard, #but #you've done this, right?
Hi there! And yeah, we’ve done this…
I got this message last night and conferred with lizbob about it, because I’m going to sneakily use her tags to find some relevant musings on the subject. From her 9.03 weird rewatching notes:
Aaah, I forgot that the real April gave Cas PB&J sandwiches. She’s presumably still normal real April, anyway. I choose to believe that >.>
Since I normally go around willingly forgetting this episode, it does put 9x11 in context with Cas wanting to make himself a PB&J sandwich, and feeling sad that it doesn’t taste the same. It was offered to him out of genuine kindness and to him must represent the goodness of humanity, way more than his horrible experience with April later which Buckleming kept going back to, Robbie picks out the one nice thing about this encounter for him to reflect on, since, as I was saying, they get the monopoly on defining Cas’s human experience. He has a 3 second encounter with the real, kind April, and so that’s what Robbie leaps on, rather than choosing a path to remind us over and over of what else to do with her.
That’s quite an interesting thing as well because this season of course, stretched and fraying at the seams surface level is that Cas just loves humanity that much (like, ignoring 9x23 and Metatron actually telling us straight up that it isn’t just this :P) but the Cas x humanity thread does have a lot to commend itself just because that’s not exactly a false lead that Cas doesn’t love humanity. I think it’s lovely that he’s profoundly affected by this moment. As well as, in 9x11, it then has Cas describing a disconnect between himself and this symbol, that it doesn’t taste as he remembered and he’s sort of feeling too huge to comprehend it just as a sandwich any more. Because I think there’s a real yearning in Cas for the “human things” (and 10x01-3 when he’s sick and where that line comes from, he slips closer to humanity as his grace fails, and again we see him experiencing “human things” in a small measure, again, against his will). That yearning to me says more than anything else that I think Cas should end up human or that he would want to be, if only he could allow himself to really contemplate it. For the love of a PB&J sandwich :P
And to go right back to being a grubby Destiel shipper, this is not the only 2 times peanut butter is mentioned in this stretch of episodes. In 9x07 Dean’s arrested as a kid for stealing peanut butter to make sandwiches for Sam, which aligns him with the side of humanity Cas fell in love with: the selfless peanut butter-giving side of humanity :P So a way to link Dean to Humanity appears in the first 11 episodes…
And then there’s this, which was probably the beginning of my real personal obsession with food on this show:
And this from lizbob’s 9.11 rewatch notes:
Cas and his PB&J!
Which I have already talked about repeatedly and especially in 9x03 where I already talked about it thematically to Cas’s humanity arc. So I guess, let’s just write down Cas expressing nostalgia for humanity which he had to give up and is now reflecting on the less shitty parts of it and realising he has given up the experience now in favour of achieving other goals, so again in a concise moment expressing his entire character conflict over the humanity arc, especially where he is on the other side of being human.
The fact Cas was sitting alone in the Bunker waiting for Sam, and decided to just go wander around digging in their shelves in the kitchen and make himself a sandwich though. I mean, compared to my comments about what Dean did off-screen between episodes that’s pretty boring, but I like it :P In 11x18 he’s strongly aligned with the kitchen, and while we don’t see the kitchen here, he had to have been in there to get the PB&J materials, even if he moved to the war room to eat it. (Which has its own significance that Cas is ready for war not domesticity, see also: all the stuff I was saying about his new uniform, grace, etc, and the reason WHY he’s changed himself so he can’t enjoy PB&J any more)
Yeah, I’m snipping stuff out here, but these are themes they’ve applied in a lot of other ways that tie in to other things as well. Pie. Coffee. Hamburgers. Cake. Pie vs Cake. Pizza. And even beer. And if you click on any of those links, you’ll note a lot of crossover between the posts.
As for s12, I’ve been keeping a Big List of Food by episode. No mention of the pb&j again yet, but I’m keeping a close eye out. It’s called The Pies of s12, but it covers pretty much all the food-as-symbolism stuff so far.
But there’s been at least one other mention of a peanut butter sandwich as a major plot device. It was, after all, the reason Dean had been arrested in 9.07, setting up the entire story and laying down some heavy Dean Feelings.
Getting back to Cas (and really Dean, too), these references used to come in the form of cheeseburgers, going all the way back to 5.14.
And yeah, we know Jimmy enjoyed a cheeseburger from 4.20, but we also know that Jimmy wasn’t there anymore by 5.14. This was all Cas, finding enjoyment from something very human. Sure, he’d been getting closer to humanity during s5, but I think this is the first time he really enjoyed something human.
I recall there being some distress in the fandom around the time 9.11 came out that Cas would’ve been reminiscing about a pb&j instead of a cheeseburger. But we just kept waving vaguely at 9.07 and the pb&j that Dean got arrested and tossed into Sonny’s Home for Boys over.
Dean had been trying his best to feed and care for Sam despite not having enough money for groceries. John was gone on a hunt and out of touch, and 16-year-old Dean got caught trying to provide for the family in the most basic way possible. Like peanut butter was the glue that could hold their whole world together.
But at the same time, that month Dean spent at Sonny’s was unprecedented for him. For the first time in his life, he didn’t have to follow John’s orders. He didn’t have to sacrifice himself to be Sam’s primary caregiver. He got to spend a bit of time doing what HE wanted to do. He joined the wrestling team and won competitions. He learned to play guitar and met his first girlfriend. He had an adult who was interested in HIM, who wanted to help HIM and make sure HE was doing well, you know? Not just whether or not he was successfully following his orders. For Dean, stealing that peanut butter was unknowingly a stepping stone to his first (and one of his only) tastes of that sort of pure freedom in his entire life.
Then (only 4 episodes later!) in 9.11 Cas reminisces about being able to taste and enjoy a pb&j for what it was, the way a human tastes it and not as an amalgamation of molecules the way an angel tastes it.
(which raises some questions about 5.14 and if Cas was appreciating the molecular arrangement of a good cheeseburger, or if Famine’s influence literally gave him an appreciation for the taste, but none of that’s relevant here atm)
Back to 9.11… Cas goes one step further and uses the pbj to make a point, the entire scene preceded by a fade-in on that pbj:
CASTIEL: Sam, I want Gadreel to pay as much as you do. But nothing is worth losing you. You know, being human, it didn’t just change my view of food. It changed my view of you. I mean, I can relate now to how you feel.SAM: What are you talking about?CASTIEL: The only person who has screwed things up more consistently than you…is me. And now I know what that guilt feels like. And I know what it… I know what it means to feel sorry, Sam. I am sorry.SAM: I know.CASTIEL: You know, old me – I would’ve have just kept going. I would’ve jammed that needle in deeper until you died because the ends always justified the means. But what I went though – Well, that PB and J taught me that angels can change, so…who knows? Maybe Winchesters can, too.
He misses a simple pleasure of humanity. Same as Dean. Okay imma go cry over a sandwich now.
okay now i’m going off to cry
Good Thkngs Journal 4 (I think)
Sorry it’s been a Minute
-I saw a short film my friend worked on today, and she told me that she also got hired for a full time position in her field. I don’t feel any jealousy at all and I’m just really excited for her. Plus her boyfriend will be moving near our neighborhood and that’s great
- the men i live with wished me a happy mother’s they (even though I’m technically not a mom lol) and have me a fake flower
- I ate a pbj today
-my friends mom added me on instagram and she sent me this message
Day 111 (Wednesday July 1)
I woke up paralyzed with fear from my nightmare. It started off with me solving a puzzle as an adventurer, more specifically Fitzroy and I had to find the magic crab. I’ve never even listened to that dnd podcast but I love the bit lots of people have animated where the dude says “so my magic is a crab/ I love my sweet crab.” I knew that I was a hero who kept getting reinstated to solve the puzzle that involved bongo budah heads. I watched a memory from a past life, watching 3 adventurers walk into a chamber and be killed in a flash of light. Then the dream turned to me and a few friends at Disney riding a fnaf themed roller coaster. I was terrified, and had my eyes closed and fingers in my ears the whole ride, but I could still hear everything. I was hyperventilating when I got off, clutching my stuffed bear and just starting to talk to a cast member about why I was so afraid. Then my friends and I were in a haunted house that wasn’t fnaf themed but did have a couple of the animatronics in there. I didn’t want to be there, and kept telling myself that none of it was real and as long as i didn’t focus on anything, nothing could hurt me. I stayed in a little area near a staircase and a hallway. I knew chica was in the hallway, and the stairs had gobin hands instead of a railing. Something big kept going up and down the stairs, so I mustered my courage and tried going up the stairs. But then a wierd dog that looked exactly like this showed up.
I scared myself just looking up this image. it tried to hurt me and I had to grab it by the mouth like in the image. I held it back, but then it turned green and deepfried (like deepfried memes) and started stretching around my hands to get me. I finally woke up out of fear and had to calm myself the FUCK down by scrolling through tumblr and TikTok and listening to my calm playlist.
Eventually I got up and noticed that the last of the pile of clothes in front of my door was gone, so I guess my dad took care of it. I had a pbj. I kind of just chilled for a while. I remembered it was artfight and was excited to start drawing, but noticed it technically hadn’t started yet, but it was July 1st so I started drawing anyway. I started to drat the thing I posted earlier today before the website crashed and still had a reference. I was in the middle of drawing when my computer said it was low on battery, so I plugged it in, but it died soon after that anyway. I think the charging cord is messed up. I texted my brother about it, but he’s visiting in a few days so he can fix it then. I can survive for a while without it, it’ll just be a little inconvenient having to use artfight on my phone. I got hungry and made myself some pasta, and then my mom took me driving to pick up food and groceries. It was kind of stressful because I went out near 5oclock traffic and I did a bunch of hard turns even my parents don’t like doing and I’m not used to checking my mirrors yet and ugh. But I made it back home alive and finished my pasta and continued working on artfight, trying my damn best to submit my attack, but by then the website crashed. I folded some laundry and got unnecessarily mad at it. I hung out in my room until I passed out and took a nap, getting rudely awakened by my mom’s loud-ass tv and news I didn’t want to be hearing. I kind of just fucked around for the next few hours, eating and trying to do artfight and watching YouTube until I decided I wanted to go to bed. But now it’s 3am because I have no self control and should probably delete TikTok off my phone :/ plus I just can’t sleep. I thought sleeping underneath a bunch of blankets with a fan on high would help me sleep better, but for the past 2ish nights it’s made thing soared somehow so I guess I’ll just lay on top of a few. Idk. Goodnight hopefully.