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cannibalisticapple · 4 years

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Okay, so I have some thoughts on Kurikuri’s decision to delete a large number of her fan fics, and on fan fiction as a whole.

For those who don’t know, Kurikuri (@letaizawarest) is a popular fan fiction author with numerous popular Erasermic fics, along with other fandoms. Around the end of May/start of June she deleted a large number of her stories, specifically those that featured either police, or those set in the My Hero Academia universe where they work as Pro Heroes.

To quote her post:

as you may have noticed, roughly half of the fics on my ao3 have been deleted.

i’ve deleted all my fics about police officers. also, after some thought, i also deleted my non-AU bnha fics, because although they might not be “cops” in name, they are law enforcement. i do not want to be a part of the system that glorifies the police.  

at the moment i haven’t deleted other profession AUs and high school era fics, but i will continue to reflect on their relation to the source material. even if you enjoyed the deleted fics, please do not circulate them in other formats (PDFs, EPUBs, etc).  

i also encourage other writers to think about cop fic they’ve written. while it may be fun and escapist for you, it still encourages the idea that antiblack and killer cops are just “bad apples” and that good cops exist. let’s dismantle that system of thought.

I have some very, very mixed feelings on this.

To start: I respect her reasoning, but I don’t agree with it. I fully agree that it’s not just a bunch of “bad apples”, there’s a serious issue with the system and how the police operate in the United States. I’ve always been bothered by how the police let other officers get away with horrible BS, even as a kid, and that rage has only grown as I’ve grown older and found out more about how screwed up it is on every single level.

But the way that last paragraph is written rubs me the wrong way because you can’t paint every single person in an entire career field as unequivocally corrupt, bigoted and all around callous murderers. Good cops DO exist. Plenty of people go into the career hoping to fix things, or just genuinely want to help their community in whatever way they can. But the thing is, they’re fighting a losing battle because the system is working against them. When they DO speak up against the corruption, bigotry, violence and other issues, they tend to get fired and blacklisted from the field. Or sometimes, they get outright murdered and it’s treated as a “suicide.”

A shitty fact of life: sometimes, the people who are more willing to resort to underhanded tactics and willing to turn a blind eye to corruption are the ones who climb up the career ladder furthest. And in the case of the police, it’s deep-rooted enough that it can’t be fixed internally anymore. But that doesn’t make literally every police officer corrupt.

I’m not posting this to make some political point or argument though. I obviously disagree with Kurikuri’s opinion, but I respect it. I can even respect her decision to remove the stories featuring the police, or even the ones heavily focusing on the characters’ jobs as pro heroes. I can see how heroes are just another version of law enforcement, because honestly, they are.

As a writer and a reader, I fully respect that it’s ultimately her choice to delete her stories. It’s not my place to make demands. She’s the one who created it, and as a writer I know the hard work and time that goes into crafting stories, so I believe she has a right in how it’s used and shared. The fact she shared it in the first place was something she didn’t have to do.

But the thing is, she DID share it, which is why I have this conflict.

As a writer, I’ve always believed that fiction can be more powerful than fact.

Fiction can give readers a window into mindsets you’d never imagine before, because you can connect more easily with fictional characters than real people on the news. That’s why Uncle Tom’s Cabin was so critical in the battle against slavery: it didn’t just gave a face to slavery, it let readers experience the characters’ lives directly. People got to see the struggles and suffering firsthand, feel the rising crescendo of hope each time freedom is in reach, and the soul-crushing despair every time that hope gets dashed by outside forces.

Fiction may not always be “true” or even “accurate,” but it can help us understand other people, see them as fellow humans, in ways that nonfiction just can’t. It can evoke emotions, empathy and familiarity in a reader that a news story or biography can’t capture because it draws you directly into their world.

And it’s that part—the part where readers enter this fictional world to connect to characters they’ll never meet—that leads to the other power of fiction that many people overlook:

Fiction has the ability to help readers persevere.

How many people reading this have used books to get away from trouble in their lives? To take a breather from all their anxieties and stress, and dive head-first into this other world for just a moment, where nothing else matters? How many people reading this had their whole lives changed by reading a story where a character’s words resonated with them? Where it helped them come to an epiphany about how to do better, how to be better.

Sometimes, the world is too overwhelming and we need to escape it. That’s the beauty of fiction. It lets us go to a world where our problems just don’t matter. Even if the world in question is worse than our own, it can still be a relief and give us hope because hey, at least we’re not living in 1984 or the Hunger Games, right? Stories are what keeps many people going through the hardest time, what gives them hope that life isn’t utterly hopeless.

And even after a story is finished, whether it’s fan fiction, a book, a show, or any other medium, that story will have a special place in people’s hearts. Many people will go back to those stories years later when they’re faced with immense stress and need a break from the real world, so that they can dive into the world that helped them persevere the last time they felt so bad. Just having a copy of it on hand can be a source of comfort even if you never read it again.

I want to highlight one phrase Kurikuri used in her post to describe how people feel writing stories about police and heroes: "fun and escapist”. That’s honestly so accurate, those stories are escapist, and that is why I’m so conflicted.

Stories about superheroes, while technically revolving around themes of law enforcement, are a form of escapism FROM police corruption.

There’s a reason that superhero comics are so popular in America. Superheroes appeal to a natural desire for justice because as so aptly pointed out, the real world doesn’t always HAVE that justice. It gives an ideal for people to aspire to, a glimpse of what could be, what should be. (Come to think of it, that’s probably why I hate the DC cinematic universe so much, it’s skewed way too much to favor the villains/antagonists and maximize suffering for the good guys.)

Right now, the world is full of more injustice than ever before. I can’t turn on the news without feeling my rage and stress boil over. Every day it gets worse and worse somehow, and I (and many others) genuinely fear that the United States may be heading towards a civil war this November. Donald Trump’s voice alone is enough to make my blood boil at this point.

I, and many others, turn to fan fiction so I can break away from reality because that amount of rage and fear just isn’t healthy.

I don’t have depression, or anxiety, or an abusive family, or a chronic illness. I’m not at risk of being made homeless anytime soon, nor do I need to worry about bills right now or going hungry. I’m a privileged white girl who has barely anything to worry about. What I’m saying is I’m fucking lucky and I know it, but I STILL can’t stand thinking about the state of the world and need to get the fuck away from it to take a breather for my own mental health.

And I also know that many people don’t have that option because their situation is so bad, they NEED to be aware of it at all times.

In the past when writing for other fandoms, I’ve had people tell me my fan fiction was the reason they did not commit suicide.

In my early college years I fell into the creepypasta community and was pretty active in it, especially on deviantArt. I don’t know if that particular fandom’s subject and focus makes it more appealing to teenagers going through rough times or what, but I swear, more than half the people I spoke to suffered from some form of mental illness, abusive or broken family and home situations, bullying, and every other way the world can screw someone over through means beyond their control.

During that time, a few readers left comments that waiting for my stories to update were what kept them going. They didn’t explicitly say that it was the only reason they didn’t kill themselves. It was more just remarks like, “Your writing is the only thing keeping me going.”

I’m not vain enough to believe my stories are so good, it made people decide to continue living JUST to see what happens next. Suicidal thoughts and urges are much more complex than that. But it’s still not something you expect to hear on something you write for fun.

I’ve thought about it a lot over the years, and I’ve come to the conclusion that it probably wasn’t because my stories were "just that good.” I think it was because they needed something to cling to in bleak times. That sometimes at the lowest point where all seems lost, people need just one little thought, just the smallest thing to push away those dark urges before they could fully overwhelm them. Something like, “If I die now, I won’t get to see how that story ends.” It’s such a small thing, but having something to look forward to can be so powerful in fighting off impulsive decisions.

It’s made me hyper-aware of just how powerful writing is.

To me, I see writing as a way of helping others. I give people that option for escape. It’s a large part of why I update on a regular, weekly schedule, and why I published extra chapters when the pandemic got announced and when the riots started. People need that comfort, that little break from reality to just sit and breathe so they can get through the rest of the day. I can’t do much to fix the world, but I can at least give people that.

Right now, people need that escape more than ever.

And deleting the stories is taking that escape away and causing MORE stress.

In times like this, people often turn to the stories they know will help most, and plenty of people in fandoms will first search up their favorite ships. They look for fluff, smut, angst... It helps people feel better to focus on these two people who are obviously in love as they work through their troubles.

Many times, readers will be more drawn to stories in the canon universe than radical AUs set in other universes. That’s how they were introduced to those characters. I myself can enjoy no-power and fantasy AUs sometimes, but what I really crave are how they interact in the canon world because that’s the world and versions of them I want to see the most. By deleting EVERY SINGLE STORY IN THE CANON UNIVERSE, that option was removed.

In many of the stories that were deleted, the characters’ careers were honestly a minor facet of the story. Some used it to establish the setting, such as treating injuries after a patrol. Some just simply used it to explain they work at UA, a school for teaching kids with superpowers. Some just had them work as heroes because it’s set in the canon universe, and never directly show ANTTHING about the work.

I’m not always looking for a story about how being a hero shapes and impacts their lives, and most of those stories that got deleted AREN’T about being a hero. That’s just one piece of their character, it’s far from the focal point. It could honestly be removed from several of them without changing the rest of the story.

I can get wanting to make a political point and I respect that, but by deleting those stories, you’ve taken away a key source of comfort from hundreds, thousands of people. By deleting the stories, you’re making the stress worse.

On Saturday night, I realized several of my favorite stories are suddenly gone. I knew Kurikuri had deleted a bunch of her stories, but I hadn’t realized just how many of them I liked. Some of them I’ve specifically sought out to reread multiple times in the past, never really paying attention to the author. Realizing they’re just gone caused me heavy stress because it made me paranoid about all these other stories I like to reread. I don’t expect those stories to be around forever, but I still didn’t expect them to vanish so suddenly. I never thought I’d need to download them to make sure I’d still be able to read them while the site is still up.

I spent hours searching out specific stories to see if they were written by her, and make sure they’re not gone forever. I have no way of knowing which ones she’d written and deleted because there’s not exactly a list out there anymore. My desperate search for those stories and one in particular (which I still haven’t found) contributed to the lack of sleep I got that night.

And I need to reiterate: I am mentally healthy and have no major stresses in my immediate life. And that’s why I’m hyper-aware of how this stress will affect people who AREN’T as lucky as I am.

If an author decides to delete their stories because they feel the stories themselves push harmful values or themes, fine. If they’re getting harassed, or it reminds them of a bad time in the lives, or they just don’t like that story anymore, okay. I can respect that and accept it.

But these stories were deleted for the EXACT reasons that people will be looking for them now more than ever, and that’s where I draw the line.

This applies to ALL fandoms.

If you as a fan fiction writer have more than, say, 100 kudos on a completed story or one-shot, there’s a good chance people will read and reread your story in stressful times. If you have a reasonably popular story that updates on a regular or even semi-regular basis, there is a chance that someone is using it as a lifeline to have something to look forward to while the rest of their lives go to hell. Maybe not because they specifically love it, but because it gives them something routine.

I want to make it clear that it’s not our job to care for other people’s mental health. Fan fiction writers don’t have an obligation to people, we’re doing it for fun first and foremost. We’re not some sort of saviors, and we shouldn’t think of ourselves that way or we can honestly screw people up worse. We’re not obligated to write these stories JUST for our fans.

At most, our stories are sources of support and comfort for readers. A little break from reality. If writing a story is causing you more stress than enjoyment, stop. Fan fiction, and all other fan media and stories in general, is ultimately created for the creator’s enjoyment more than anything.

Your own mental health comes first. Don’t set yourself on fire to keep other people warm.

But with how utterly fucked and unfair the world is right now, people need those stories now more than ever. So if you’ve got a story out there that’s fairly popular, please, please, PLEASE be mindful of your readers before deciding to delete it. Now is the absolute last time people need more stress trying to find a single story. And if you’re going to delete it, maybe give readers a heads up so that those who need it or have some powerful attachment to it for all the reasons I’ve discussed here can download a copy for their own personal use.

Don’t hurt your readers to make a point.

#fanfic #fan fiction #fan fic #fandom #my hero academia fanfiction #boku no hero academia fanfic #kurikuri #letaizawarest #erasermic #maizawa #writing #stories #aizawa shouta #yamada hizashi #my hero academia #boku no hero academia #tw suicide #superhero #superheroes

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elainewitchparks · 3 years

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Kitchen;

What’s your character’s favorite food?

Elaine had a sweet tooth and enjoys a lot of sweets! Including: cakes, cookies, ice cream, scones, pies, etc. In the movie, they make any time of food look so appetizing, even the most basic food!

Are they good at cooking? How good/bad?

Only the best ever! Seriously, is an amazing house wife! She can make you have a food orgasm from eating something as normal as spaghetti. Of course she’s obsessed with love now that she finally has it with Dacian, she only wants the best for him!

Do they leave the dishes out?

Nah, she’ll clean em for anyone. But make sure to help her around the house she deserves it!😤

What kind of food is there in the refrigerator?

All sorts of healthy foods: apples, oranges, bananas, strawberries, tomato’s, celery, and carrots. Stuff for tea like honey, and almond milk. A bit of sweets, maybe a half eaten piece of cake, and lots of bottles of water.

Do they cook, eat out or get take-away/delivered food more?

Definitely cooks more, especially for Dacian. As well as when there’s some company over. She’d rarely order or deliver food unless there was a situation where Elaine had to or was somehow in a emergency where she also had to.

Living Room;

How does the character spend the weekends?

When the young witch isn’t with her teacher and one of her former witch friends, she’s at home with her man, doing spells with him, or making love. Spending some time to relax in a nice hot bath, and with Dacian it’s always so relaxing and soothing. Have some wine and listen to music while laying on her bed with her witch lover and smoke a cigarette.

What kind of movies does the character watch?

Oh normally romantic movies of course. Actually used to be jealous of the beautiful main female protagonist for having such a beautiful and sweet man. But now that’s exactly what she has, sometimes she’ll switch to drama which isn’t really better. But if she’s watching a horror movie it will be a silent film or an old black and white one. Watching a movie with Dacian beside her always makes her less lonely then watching it alone. Sometimes it would escalate to doing other things. Wink wink.

What do they do with friends?

Well, Elaine is usually fake to get what she wants. But when she is with her, ‘friends,’ she’s having dinner or tea with them while having girl talk. But she is a very, loyal friend when she wants to be. Once she realizes she cares about someone she wants to keep them safe and protective. She expects to feel to same with them.

What is their favorite past time?

Painting, doing witchcraft, spending time with Dacian at every opportunity.

What is their favorite tv show/film?

Elaine doesn’t watch tv much. But her favorite films include; Psycho, Cleopatra, Breakfast at Tiffany’s, and Gone with the Wind.

Bathroom;

How does the character prepare in the morning?

After waking up naked or in a lingerie with Dacian depending on if they made love or not, possibly start off with morning sex, a warm bath with a lot of skin care, hair care and shaving. Then spends hours, putting on makeup and doing hair perfectly. She really cares about her looks after she was married and her husband was fat shaming her when she was, ‘over weight.’

Do they sing in the shower?

Absolutely yes! And Elaine has such a beautiful singing voice. And Dacian loves listening to it no matter what he’s doing.

What kind of hair product/makeup do they use?

Definitely the expensive kind. She wants to keep her hair smelling amazing and feel really soft for her Dacian to keep touching. Along with expensive 1960’s make up she spent a lot of time practicing to put on, until she mastered it clearly.

How clean is this character?

Oh very clean! Smelling like a bakery or the store, Lush all the time.

Does this character have thousands of shampoo/shower gel bottles by the shower, or do they use only the bare essentials?

Thousands of bottles near her tub, inside of the cabinets under her sink, and some on her dresser. Dacian was a bit concerned the first time he saw this.

Bedroom;

How do they sleep? (Position, sleeping habits, bedtime routines)

Elaine is a relaxed but light sleeper, and a silent sleeper and looks so beautiful while she’s doing it. Always curled up and all over Dacian like a koala. But he is a big cuddler, himself so he likes it.

What are their pajamas like?

A lot of times, well almost every night, she will sleep naked with Dacian laying on top of her but if they didn’t make love, she would wear a beautiful and comfortable set of lingerie.

What do they dream about usually?

Well it’s a mix of both good and bad dreams. If they’re good, she’s dreaming of a nice dream of marriage with her lover, with raising well mannered children. But if it’s a nightmare, it’s memories of her old marriage, or Dacian leaving her alone for the rest of her life and the poor woman wakes up very upset and the male witch comforts her and tells her softly he’s right there and he always will be.

How neat/tidy are they?

Neat, but not that neat. She has a habit of leaving food out for people to find while she’s gone.

How affectionate are they?

Very affectionate, whether Elaine is awake or sleeping, she’ll be all over her partner. When she’s sleeping with Dacian she’s clinging to him, when awake, she’ll kiss him all over and let him know how much she really loves him. She is, The Love Witch after all.

Attic;

What is the character afraid of?

Being alone for the rest of her life, thats worse than death to her. She still worries sometimes that Dacian might leave her. She’d be hurting for all eternity.

How do they deal with bad memories?

Elaine deals with them quite unhealthy like. Masturbates, tries to fuck them away, and does witchcraft. She’s not one to talk about feelings for a while,

What is this character’s role in a horror movie?

Well her movie is technically a horror movie, but not scary whatsoever. But if she was in a full blown horror movie I think she’d play the secondary antagonist. And the sympathetic villain.

How do they hide their secrets?

A little, too well. And a little too well at lying.

Repost, don’t reblog.

Tagging: @noblebleedingheart

And anyone!

#muse ♠️#about

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cloveroctobers · 4 years

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ROCCO MACBRADY —

IG info/bio : @/macbradycoeats | 77.1k followers | just a spiritual being that wishes the best for everyone on their journey 🙏🏼 yes i was on tv once & won’t be again, you may now check the vibe🥬🌱

21 (22)

From Belfast, Northern Ireland

I genuinely believe Rocco didn’t come from much, just like Gary. & it’s never a competition between who’s had it harder in life, cause we all got our own shit, but I don’t think his life was all rainbows and glitter you know? Just don’t get that vibe from him

Maybe he’s lived in a mobile home park and his mom can never hold a job since she’s a hot head & can’t take direction? His father comes in and out of his life, he’s the definition of toxic masculinity yet never does shit to prove his worth of a “man.” goes as he pleases drunk off his ass and stealing whatever $ his mom has saved up

His father used to be a truck driver but got fired after he kept drinking on the job, causing an accident that could have been much worse

They’re one of the few families that aren’t okay in the park. They just happen to be the loudest. At least his parents are, very vocal and try to beat the other in a screaming match. They never married, didn’t see the point in doing so since they stuck around with each other for this long

Very abusive relationship...mostly verbal but rocco’s seen enough to cause trauma

Maybe his parents had him at a young age, cancelling their youth? Sometimes he feels like it’s his fault, his father told him that once; drunk of whiskey so he started to believe it, which pissed his mother off to no end

Rocco knows his mother loves him but he’s not so sure about his dad. She does little things that mean so much to show that, she does try hard it’s just many don’t see that. Maybe he’s bias since it is his mother

Has a half-sister, Roisin. (Ro-sheen) means, “little rose,” and he picked the name out when he watched his mother have a home birth in their bathroom. He loved her just as much as he loved his mother. He’s heard of the name before, liked it and knew it fit when he first saw his little sister. She was the reddest baby he’s ever seen but gorgeous

“You’ve named your sister raisin, huh?”

It didn’t take long for Rocco to figure out that his mother had a boyfriend outside of his father and suddenly had a bump in her stomach a month later after the guy came around. Rocco wanted to hate the guy but he kinda taught him how to be. He was from wales, loved to surf, and always carried philosophy books which he encouraged a young Rocco to read and, “expand his horizons”

At first he didn’t understand the shite or even wanted to. He just knew it would be hell whenever his father decided to pop back up, but this time around? He didn’t for some reason. “I hope he’s dead.” He heard his mother say one night, talking to Elis, when she thought Rocco was asleep on his bed in the living room

Rocco didn’t think he could think that harsh about someone...but the longer Elis stayed around, the more he found himself not missing his father

Before he began to look at life in a different way, he was the type to run through the streets from the age of 16 and getting into some trouble

Such as: Vandalism, stealing booze, trespassing, & public indency

Around 18 was when he decided to turn his life around, after losing a friend he deeply cared about. He went off to uni, because it was what she wanted to do and he never gave it much thought in the first place but he tried for her

Looking back on it, why did he ever think finance was for him? He wanted to be what his mother wasn’t, she tried but she didn’t know how to manage $ well. Elis had to step in every now and then but he was also always on the go due to surfing competitions

Not only that but it was hard to make friends in uni, people were much different here than in the mobile park. He had more in common with people who lived in the same atmosphere as him

He felt judged and it made him deeply insecure so he dropped out mid-semester

Picked up healthy cooking habits and managed to purchase a food truck after working multiple jobs/ odd jobs from dish cleaner, bartender, doing weekly grocery runs for the people with disabilities in the mobile park, etc...

Guilty pleasure is Mediterranean food

Helps his mother with his sister when she’s out looking for a job + working the job or when she needs a nap. It’s the perfect bonding moment between brother and sister

It doesn’t take long before Rocco feels it’s his time to leave & he does so by going on tv for this show called love island, which is short lived & he comes back empty handed + still feeling like he didn’t make any friends but he met people that changed his life for sure

Marisol being one of those people.

His food truck gains traction after the show and he’s pleased by this. He specializes in a go green environment, which is more expensive but everything costs something

A customer tells him he’d be better off traveling to gain more exposure to his food, although there’s been customers who post his food on the socials—he rarely checks it but it’s 40% negative

Once he saves up enough, he does so and wants for his mother and sister to come with him but she says his sister is too young to be on the road

He’s torn but decides to go on a three month tour, with a few people trying to manage him. Rocco doesn’t take the offer, he feels like that’s a trap to take all of his $.

He can do it all on his own

He meets more people and women on the road in different cities and keeps up with Marisol whenever he can, it kinda hurts to know that she’s found someone knew

So when he’s on psychedelics, he starts sleeping around when the loneliness tries to creep up on him. He doesn’t want to feel that, because if you let it be then it might control you. You’re in control of your emotions.

He always has to find a pay phone when he gets to the next city to let his mom, sister, and Elis know that business is doing okay and he is too. He either forgets to charge his phone or one of the women he invited into his truck stole it

Yeah his food truck is also his home? But people don’t need to know that, he plans to get rid of the truck, buy a storage container to be his new restaurant on wheels and invest in a car where he can pull the storage container along on his car, he’s thinking maybe a Subaru or a pick up truck of some sort. These are all goals, he’ll achieve if he works at his own pace. If it’s meant to be it will be

Very flirtatious and it can come across as not being loyal but he finds it to be more, “free spirited” than anything

Does yoga, has a bicycle too for days he doesn’t feel like driving his truck around, Elis bought one for his birthday & is studying Buddhism

Plays the ukulele & wants to start a garden

Is he a Scorpio? Is he a Gemini? I don’t really feel like he’s a fire sign? He might have a small amount in his chart if we’re being technical. The only thing I can see, Leo maybe for being idealistic? Flirtatious & optimistic?

Scorpio sun + Leo moon + Gemini rising

His favorite animal is an ostrich?

Lottie accidentally likes his photos (whenever he decides to post) and unlikes them or pops into his lives every now and then just out of curiosity. When he addresses her, she leaves lmao

Hair and eyes shifts just like the seasons, becoming reddish brown + a hazel green

Stops at every farmers markets & side attractions to give back to the people & loves flea markets

What does Rocco listen to? He definitely uses psychedelics & smokes that gas c’mon now so: bob marley & the wailers, Jimi Hendrix, fugees, Fiona apple, Norah Jones, johnnyswim, & Bombay bicycle club

Celeb crush? Emma Roberts, zendaya, halle bailey, camila mendes, Sarah Bolger, & Saoirse Ronan

Anthem = The wombats, “Give Me A Try”

#litg #litg2 #litg s2 #litg rocco #litg marisol #litg lottie #litg headcanon #litg au #majority dont care about his ass but i found a fc so thats why i got him out the way lol

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yellow-r-o-s-e · 5 years

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NEURODIVERGENT

There’s definately something wrong with Roman. He just wants to know what it is

Word Count: About 4500

Warnings: lots of talk of assorted mental illnesses, including PTSD, depression, anxiety, and anorexia, pretty detailed description of a panic attack, self deprecating feelings, mentioned past abusive relationship, imposter syndrome, implied gaslighting, let me know if there’s anything else I need to put, I don’t know how to do this, there is a happy ending but please be safe

Notes: This is a fanfic of the wonderful “Love and Other Fairytales” by @tulipscomeinallsortsofcolors. It’s technically a Sanders Side fanfiction, but you don’t need to know anything about Sanders Sides for her story to make sense. It’s a really amazing modern fairy tale, and I would highly recommend it to anyone who somehow hasn’t read it yet. Also the story below probably won’t make any sense without the context.

In her story, a few of the main characters (Virgil and Logan) are autism coded, which I can relate to a lot with my ADHD, and I ended up projecting said ADHD on a different character, Roman Gage. It’s a bullet fic because it’s so long it would take me a week to write it all out, and also it’s very self-indulgent and I put my own self-insert OC in because noone can stop me from having fun. Not edited because we die like men. Enjoy!

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It starts on what should be a perfect day. It’s early September, Logan is off at a “fairy” lesson with Virgil. It’s not too humid anymore, it’s cooled down just enough to be comfortable. And Roman thinks it would be a perfect day for hunting in the woods

Except as soon as he thinks about hunting, he thinks about h i m and he’s suddenly nauseous

But it’s fine, Roman’s fine, besides he has lots of people to talk about it with now. His bfs know and are supportive, and Mamaw knows too now. He doesn’t even miss Dee that much…

And oh mother gothel he does not feel good he needs to think about something else

He suddenly remembers that he is in fact currently having a picnic with Patton and he should focus on that

And he’s aware that Patton just asked a question but he doesn’t know what Patton asked, And he feels really bad but he just smiles and asks Patton to repeat himself

He wishes he could actually pay attention to his bf the first time but life hates him apparently, and Patton’s talking very slowly and carefully because his lessons are helping but he’s still afraid of hurting Roman. And heck if that doesn’t make Roman feel even worse

Anyways, Patton says he’s concerned that Roman hasn’t eaten anything, and offers to go somewhere else for food if Roman doesn’t want picnic

And Roman just laughs and says he’s fine, he just ate a big breakfast. Except. He didn’t eat breakfast at all. He doesn’t know why he said that but now he’s panicking inside as he continues to talk to Patton on the surface level. He’s not trying to not eat on purpose, he’s just really not hungry much

So he’s very worried about himself now as he realizes he’s been skipping meals like crazy recently. He knows he’s not anorexic because like, it’s not intentional. He just keeps forgetting his body needs food to survive??? Is that a normal thing to happen???

Ten minutes maximum pass before he’s spilling all of this to Patton because he’s Very Worried and they’re trying to be more open with each other anyways

And Patton, who’s already been worried about Roman since the whole ’planning to die to save his friends without telling anyone’ thing, is like “have you considered speaking to a doctor”

Roman’s like “Mamaw hates the physician” and then Patton reminds him he’s an actual adult and long story short a few days later he’s having a meeting with Dr. Sherwood

He’s being asked all the standard questions and he’s just realizing ‘oh no, there’s definitely something wrong with me’. He’s having trouble sleeping, trouble eating, trouble focusing, things that used to make him happy don’t anymore…. And Dr. Sherwood says he probably has depression

Which honestly makes a little too much sense after all the heartbreak and loss and isolation and abuse and whatnot

He gets officially diagnosed shortly after

There’s no therapist in Wickhills but Dr. Sherwood offers to prescribe antidepressants

But antidepressants can be very finicky and Roman’s not in immediate danger or anything so he figures he’ll just try Mamaw’s potions and whatnot for now and maybe change later

He’s very afraid to tell Mamaw but surprise, she’s not mad at all. Well, she’s a little upset that he thought he had to sneak away to go to the doctor

They talk, and depression treatment is a lot more complicated than just a quick spell but they agree to be more honest with each other when they’re having bad days (because May’s physical health is not doing great either)

He talks to the bf squad too, and he feels guilty telling them for some reason. He doesn’t want to be someone for them to take care of, y’know, he wants to be the one taking care of them

They’re all like “Roman shut up you’re beautiful and talented and amazing and we love you”. Patton reminds him that he literally planned the picnic they just had. And the entire summer he was like, stargazing or serenading or painting with one of them at least once a week

They remind him that it’s okay for the roles to reverse every once in a while. It's literally not healthy to never ask for help, even if you don’t have depression

He’s already been unofficially working with Patton’s parents for a while and he has a long talk with the Wallers about it and 1) it’s not like they could replace him if they wanted 2) they still want to keep an eye on their son’s bf and learn more about what he’s doing (He doesn’t actually let much slide but they can hope) and 3) they’re nice people

so they work on making his hours flexible but not too flexible so he can miss work if he’s not feeling good but he still feels needed and has responsibility. It’s a struggle but everyone’s doing their best

Plus the Wallers are practically trying to adopt Roman in their son’s absence so it’s not like they wouldn’t be doing this anyway

And Roman starts to feel, not great, but more in control of his life at least

And there are always the good days, it’s almost always good when he visits his bfs, he starts liking acting again more, he starts getting excited about musicals again

And now that he’s a knight and he’s making good memories with Virgil, the woods aren’t making him feel icky anymore

And all the squad talk to him and promise to not undercut his happiness when it’s there. They work to not overreact when he’s surprised to be happy, and tell him he’s never annoying, he’s always free to ramble about whatever he’s excited about

And soon he’s looking into theater college applications, and he’s hanging out with Thomas and Remy, and he sees some touring Broadway shows (Wicked, The Lion King and Mary Poppins) in Cleveland, and Bell and him and sometimes Virgil are hunting in the woods again, and he’s a knight which is amazing, and he has self-confidence again,

And Logan found a perfect college which Roman is very happy about, seeing as he’s the one who did THAT to get Logan a chance to go to college a while ago. And Logan invites Roman to go on his college visit with him (along with Thomas). And Roman does feel a bit guilty because he feels like the only reason he was invited is because of the whole fae deal

But it’s fine, he’s happy to be going with Logan anyways

Virgil says he’ll be fine with Patton, they manage to find a flight that won’t go over any rivers (they don’t know what would happen but they don’t want to risk it). They’re all packed up for a few days and Logan is so happy he’s glowing

Roman can’t stop smiling either tbh, he just nods and listens to Logan rambling about how cool the greenhouses are. And it’s perfect

Until suddenly,,, it’s not???

Because the airport is Too Loud, which he tries to ignore

And something deep inside of him is afraid of Logan being away for so long because he’ll miss him but he ignores that too, it’s just excitement probably, right?

And then the plane takes off, which makes Logan a bit nauseous but it’s super fun for Roman, it’s basically a rollercoaster, right? He gives lots of comforting forehead kisses and Thomas is jokingly like ‘ew affection’

But then?? The seat belt buckled signs are still on? And Roman cannot move?

He’s trapped in the seat, trapped in the plane

Cannot

Move

And it’s So Loud all of a sudden. And he doesn’t even realize he’s frozen until he’s calming down and Logan is Squishing him

And they talk about that a bit and claustrophobia is normal it’s fine

And the trip goes pretty well. Actually, no, it was better than pretty well. Logan found his college and it’s perfect and Roman needs to stop being so Selfish and judging the trips success by his own experience

But Roman is still just worried about Logan leaving, what if he ends up hating the school? What if he gets trapped?

And he’s having flashbacks to the college visit before that ended terribly. Because he still hasn’t really forgiven himself for how upset Logan was when he got locked out of Wickhills after brief freedom. And he Does Not want to hurt Logan again

And then the intrusive thoughts start coming and he can’t stop them. And he’s worried about a ton of things that would never happen

What if Dee’s curse is still there somehow and when they get back Logan’s locked out of Wickhills?

That doesn't even make sense, stop-

What if Logan doesn’t actually want to go to college and he’s just faking because he feels bad for Roman, and he’s going to be miserable here?

Logan can’t even lie and why would he do that?

What if- stop

What if- Stop!

And this has definitely been happening for a while, he realizes, it’s just been much harder to ignore on the trip, where he can’t just block out the thoughts by picking apples (not that that works very well either)

So he talks with Logan and Thomas on the plane ride home and then he does a few google searches while waiting for luggage when they get back

And he’s now 100 percent sure that he’s been having anxiety attacks and/or panic attacks, like, several times a day

And he sees the doctor very shortly after getting back into town

It takes him 20 minutes to get diagnosed with general anxiety

Dr. Sherwood asks ‘is this happening very frequently?’ and Roman asks how often frequently is and it’s about once a week apparently. Which is laughably low compared to Roman. So now he knows that he has both depression and anxiety

His family and bfs know and they’re doing their best to supportive

Roman has a whole bunch of exercises he can do

So now it should be better, he knows what’s going on, right?

But he doesn’t feel any better At All. In fact, it seems to be getting worse by the day

And a lot of Roman’s panic attacks are just him being afraid he’ll have a panic attack and then be a burden. Which is so dumb and cyclical and he knows his bfs won’t be mad but that doesn’t stop it from happening

At least Logan and Thomas know how to deal with panic attacks and help him. And the bf squad all learns they can tell him when he’s being unreasonable. But the trouble is sometimes he absolutely knows he’s being unreasonable and he keeps doing it

He tries to go on meds for a cool minute but he doesn’t get better he just gets exhausted. And May’s potions are more personally suited to him anyways. Not that he’s good about taking those either

But it’s fine he’s strong he can handle it it’s fine it’s okay

Cut to a few months later around late winter

There’s a bright moon, the woods are all quiet, and it’s honestly just so soft and relaxing. And Roman’s enjoying being a knight and chilling with Bell and Virgil

There’s not even anything bad happening that they need to deal with, or anything to hunt down, they’re just kind of chilling in the woods on horseback

Bell’s catching Virgil up on fairyland happenings that he missed because he pays more attention to Patton than the actual court; Roman’s catching him up on what Logan and Elliot are up to

And then, it’s such a small thing, it shouldn’t ruin there night or even pause it, But as they’re laughing and Roman playfully punches Bell and Virgil rolls his eyes

This absolutely harmless garter snake rubs against Roman’s leg

And he’s just instantly Not Okay At All

And Virgil notices immediately and just glares back to see what hurt Roman, thinking some idiot fae with a death wish played a trick on him

Virgil’s really angry but trying to look calm for Roman and he meets eyes with Roman for half a second

Roman sees something incredibly familiar in his eyes and now he’s Even Worse

Virgil takes a very limp and frozen Roman who’s smiling a little too blankly and agreeing with everything V says back to fairyland and is talks to him soothingly but it takes Roman a very long minute before he’s even talking

And Virgil’s just a complete mess

And when he finds out that it wasn’t someone hexing Roman or anything, it was just his a snake that wanted to move and V’s stare, he just switched to exhausted

There might be a bit of crying on both of their parts but don’t tell anyone

And Roman wants to talk more but his voice isn’t working and he’s stuttering a lot

And every question Virgil asks about his comfort (do you want me to call the others? Do you want me to take you home?) makes Roman even more stressed so eventually he ends up snuggling with Roman in that bed for the night

And Bell checks in on them later and is very obviously a part of the Kill Dee Again squad

It had been like 2 months since Roman had the nightmares and he’s never had panic attacks like this before, he doesn’t know what’s happening

He doesn’t know why Dee’s still haunting him? What did he do wrong when he tried to forget him?

He has nightmares but Virgil’s afraid to wake him up, he might completely break down again, and Virgil doesn’t even know what he’d say anyways

He doesn’t think breaking down sobbing again would help

Roman wakes up in the morning just exhausted and starts crying again anyways

He tries to talk but it goes badly so he ends up communicating with Virgil through writing, which is much easier, though his hand is shaking and the paper is tear stained

And Virgil’s just absolutely heartbroken by how helpless Roman looks

Roman tried to apologize for not being able to talk but Virgil points out that he and Logan have trouble talking without thinking first for fae reasons and so does Patton, Roman isn’t going to be a burden on the group by being the same as everyone else

And Logan comes in lead by Bell

And he’s the calm that the other two need right now

He’s stressed too obviously but he translates his stress into logical thinking

And the word PTSD comes into the conversation for the first time

So guess who gets another diagnosis? Our boy

He finds out that PTSD symptoms often take a while to show up, he hopes it will disappear again but who knows

Not him

And the symptoms cross over (avoidance, sluggishness, panic) so it ends up replacing the other two diagnoses

So that means that he doesn’t have depression and anxiety after all??? It was just PTSD?

And Roman blindly agrees because these appointments are becoming habitual

But it doesn’t feel right?

Because there’s still something about him that feel distinctly Not Normal that PTSD itself can’t explain

Because some of his restlessness, unhappiness, recklessness, has existed since before he made the deal

So he feels like he might be faking PTSD because it can’t possibly ALL be caused by Dee

And be feels like he’s being unfair to Dee and heck if that’s something he can just say to his bfs without them getting on his case

He knows it’s dumb so it shouldn’t be a problem anyways

Hahahahaha

On a different note he’s still not sleeping anywhere near a normal amount

Dizzy says it’s because “Night Roman” screwed up his sleep schedule

Then there’s also the nightmares

And the lingering feeling that he’s slacking off while sleeping, he should be working on something else

So he talks to Dizzy and does research and he’s not sure if it counts because of his strange specific situation, but he decides he has insomnia in some way or another

And that’s an easy fix with potions (it’s not, they don’t work for long)

And then, before he can blink, he’s in college, and school is a thing

And he Loves acting, he Loves all the literature, he Loves picking his own classes and making new theater friends and speaking other languages with people

But then, during the “actual classroom classes” it’s not good all the time

There is something deeply uncomfortable about being stuck in a chair for multiple hours

Where you have to be somewhat quiet and pay attention to what the teacher is talking about

Like, you have to go at Their Speed, not yours

And he realizes that maybe it’s been like that for a while

Maybe it was his year off that made him realize it, maybe Wickhills is just that different

But he doesn’t like doing his general ed classes

Which is weird because he loves learning

And he’s super focused most of the time, but sometimes he just can’t hear the teachers?

And he remembers homework perfectly UNLESS he writes it down

And he can’t convince himself to do math and science homework no matter how hard he tries but he doesn’t tell anyone just pretends he’s purposely ignoring it

Oh and also whenever people criticize his acting or essays it’s physically painful but that’s probably not a big deal

Oh and schedule changes are the literal worst thing to ever happen in his life

So he thinks he might have hearing problems which is why he misses that they have homework or can’t hear people talking no matter how hard he tries

So he’s tested for hearing loss, tested for tinnitus and nothing

And then he realizes he sometimes struggles to read and write the correct way? He loves literature but he finds out that to other people, the words are not usually messed up like that

So he tries dyslexia, vision problems, dysgraphia, and still just nothing fits quite right

And maybe he’s making excuses and he’s actually just too dumb to be in advanced literature?

So he starts worrying that maybe he just wants to be special

Maybe he doesn’t have any mental illnesses, except just hypochondria

Except as soon as he starts considering hypochondria, OCD comes up

Because he feels incredibly, obsessively worried about everything

And there are times when he just has to do something other than pay attention and maybe those are compulsions

But maybe he’s wrong because the compulsions aren’t usually about fears, he just wants to wiggle around, click his pens, etc.

And that’s when he starts considering Tourettes

But that doesn’t work either because it’s not that severe, he’s way more able to resist impulses than he should be

And Tourettes wouldn’t explain enough anyways

So we’re like halfway through Roman’s freshman year and he’s just very confused?

Is he neurotypical? Does he have every mental illness ever? He doesn’t know

He still has a PTSD diagnoses but hasn’t been triggered as badly as that first time again, so he’s not even sure if he had That

And then Logan comes home for winter

And he’s very happily explaining how college is going in Maine

They already know lots but it’s fun to hear it in person

And Roman asks if anyone suspects he’s a fairy and if that’s causing problems and Logan says most people probably just think he’s autistic

And Roman is confused because that doesn’t seem at all?? related???

But Logan and Virgil start explaining autism and it does make a lot of sense and

Wait a minute is that what he is??????

So Roman just doesn’t freaking sleep for a week after Logan goes back to school because he’s researching autism nonstop

And it doesn’t feel right but he doesn’t know if it’s because of stigma or something else

It doesn’t feel like a bad word when he uses it to describe Logan but that could just be self deprecation he doesn’t know

And the ice cream bar model makes it really hard to tell because there’s so many options

And some of the symptoms are other mental illnesses

So he decides to just go with it for now, try it out as a label in his own head

He doesn’t tell anyone because that makes it more real and stressful and he’d feel guilty if he was wrong

But he starts using headphones to block out noise, gets himself some fidget toys to use in class, he learns that he likes certain stimuli and dislikes others (that’s not proof though that’s every single person, isn’t it?)

he starts getting better at writing conversations down first, bringing index cards actually makes him look smarter, not useless like he feared

So he still feels guilty because he’s pretty sure he’s not actually autistic and he doesn’t tell the boys

He can actually lie unlike some of the squad

And they’re all so used to getting “the world is too loud” from V and L that they don’t even realize something is different

Because remember, they’ve been hanging out with Roman for years, he’s always been restless and argumentative, and outside the college the main difference they see is he’s happier

So cut to a few months later

In some general ed class which Roman despises but that’s life

He’s partnered with the “smart girl” of the class, Serena Miller, on a group project

Which is very lucky because he has no idea what the heck is going on it’s way too theoretical for him

And she’s super patient, and they actually really click and they’re becoming good friends from they’re meetings

They’re hanging out more and more after school and she happily explains mathematical paradoxes and knot theory and he talks about the plots of different musicals

And they both just nod along half the time because they don’t completely understand, but the human interaction is very nice

And anyways Roman has this sudden realization that maybe she’s flirting with him and she’s just doing all of this with the expectation that they’re going to date

He just freaking blurts out “I’m gay and also taken” because God gifted him with chivalry, not subtlety, okay?

She’s confused and pauses for a second

Like “good for you but what does that have to do with three dimensional coordinate systems”

And he’s very awkwardly like “oh sorry I was afraid you were flirting with me”

She’s like “lol sorry for freaking you out, I just really like math, and I tend to latch onto other ADHD people because they’re just so much easier to talk to”

And Roman’s like what did you say???

So after a very long and repetitive conversation he realizes she’s ADHD and also 100 percent convinced he’s ADHD too

He says “wait a minute I don’t have ADHD?” and she’s not even like “oh you don’t?” she’s like “oh, you didn’t know?”

She’s still writing out math problems for the research as this is going on BTW she’s a fidgety girl

So, long story short they head off to a cafe to talk more without being in the middle of a library

And they meet up with a bunch of Serena’s friends, a lot of which Roman knows from theater

There’s Jaclyn Steele who played his love interest when their college did Footloose (they were Ren and Ariel)

And Aïsha Pérez who did a Romeo and Juliet monologue with him a while ago

And Gabriella Clay who’s absolutely going to be on Broadway soon, she already was on it as young Nala in the Lion King when she was thirteen, noone has any doubts that she’s going back

They talk about ADHD, how it’s not actually being unable to focus

ADHD people are actually very good at focusing on things a lot of the time, it’s just difficult to switch tasks

And they can experience sensory overload too

He finds out about RSD, which is a side effect of ADHD basically translates to “misinterpriting wjat people say to think they hate you” disorder, and that explains so many things

And it also has side effects of not being able to speak very well when stressed, so that explains a lot to

And he finds out that literally All of These Girls have ADHD???

No wonder they were so easy to hang out with?

They’re all on the same wavelength

He’s really afraid that having ADHD means he’s broken for a second, but Aïsha explains that it’s not even a mental illness, it’s just a neurodivergence

“Your brain doesn’t work worse than other peoples’ brains, it just works different”

And yeah, they agree it’s a lot like autism

Gabriella was actually misdiagnosed with autism when she was little so she talks a lot more with him about how similar they are

They end up having a sleepover in Serena and Gabriella’s dorm room

(Roman callshome to let Virgil and May know not to worry about him)

They’re all spread out on the floor with blankets, watching the office bloopers on a cracked Ipad until 5am and it’s the best Roman’s felt in weeks

And it’s not like he’s “cured” now but it feels so so so good to know he’s not alone

He ends up talking to Dizzy (who’s supportive but doesn’t understand exactly why Roman cares so much), then Mamaw (who’s happy for him if a bit confused by his excitement, he didn’t really tell her too much about the Search for a label), then the bf squad who’re mostly like ‘heck yeah none of us are at all normal’

And Patton’s not in desperate need of a diagnoses but he says he’s def not neurotypical, and he’s probably not allistic

Roman’s afraid of visiting the doctor again for fear of being denied a diagnosis

He doesn’t know what he’d do if he was told he was wrong

But Patton talks to Emile (with permission of course), and Emile gets help from his own Psychology professors and ends up doing 90% of the paper work and helping Roman with the exact criteria for diagnosis, so Roman has no doubts by the time he walks in to the hospital

Emile is also like oh that’s cool me too so that’s how Roman finds out that Emile is ADHD too

Eventually Roman does get an actually diagnosis and medication that works WITH his ADHD, not against it

And it turns out ADHD isn’t exclusive of the other things he considered, he probably did have actual PTSD and depression and anxiety and maybe more, but at least he has the root cause of so much of what makes him different

Emile also mentions there are a few other weird towns and offers to help get Roman a therapist who wouldn’t freak out about Wickhills

A few months later he ends up video conferencing Dr. Aaliyah Dixon from New Orleans and she doesn’t bat an eye at his talks about making a deal with the fae and having his memories magically separated

So he’s not “cured” by any means, but he knows who he is now, his boyfriends know how to help, he has college friends to bond with, and he’s absolutely not alone

#love and other fairy tales #sander sides fanfiction #roman sanders #adhd #mental illness tw #anxiety tw #panic attack tw #ptsd tw #self depricating thoughts tw #depression tw #i hope thats enough #just know it talks a lot about mental illness #and neurodivergence #its not anti autism or anti adhd but other things like depression and ptsd are actual nuissances so hopefully I managed to convey that #violet if youre reading this i love your fic youre the coolest

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dancing-the-hellfire-rumba · 4 years

Text

Dear Hannah,

Pairing: technically Destiel, but that’s not what this is about Word Count: 4.9k (wow wtf) Warnings: mentions of self-harm, cancer, shitty father John (as per usual), angst and angst and father-daughter love and angst. Summary: When Dean, strapped to a bed, coughing up a storm, catches sight of his newly-adopted baby girl, he decides that, if he is to leave this world, he has to leave something behind for his favorite person. So he writes a booklet, trying to tell her all the things he would’ve if he was alive. Author’s note: This was originally done for @welldonebeca ‘s 2019 Song Challenge but I fucked up thinking the deadline was the 31st of October instead of the 15th. Whatever the case, my prompt was movement, by Hozier, which I interpreted as Dean being fascinated by his daughter enough that he’s inspired to write a letter book to her. Of course this wouldn’t be the entire thing, but I had to keep it under wraps.

Feedback is always welcome! No beta, all mistakes are my own.

~~~~

Hannah,

Christ, it’s the third time I’m starting this. The truth is, I’m coming up with blanks as to how to actually start. This has got to be the best I’ve got.

I’ll tell you the moral of this story, my story, from the get-go. Life’s a fucking bitch, okay? I want you to know that from now. I’d try to hold back on my swearing, but I want you to know me as the person I am, the person I’ve always been. I know what having an absent, terrible father’s like, as you’ll soon see, and I don’t want that for you. I wish I could tell you all this up close, give you advice, tell you all my crazy-ass stories as the dumbass of the teenager I was, and all the shenanigans your uncle (wow, Sam really is a friggin’ uncle!), by a campfire, while you drink your first beer.

Sadly, my odds aren’t looking so great, honey. So this is all I got. I know it’ll never be enough but something is better than nothing.

Enough with the chick flick introduction, though. Let’s start.

The pen’s heavy in his hand, and it’s equal parts the mental heaviness, the weight of the task, as it is his fatigue. Dean’s really just started this. He can’t believe it. The heaviness of uncertainty, of whether or not he’ll get enough time to finish it settles on his chest like an anvil. There’s a solid chance he doesn’t make it before his time comes.

Hannah’s sitting right there, carelessly looking at the plastic, grinning stars above her crib. She’s so innocent, skin creamy, chocolaty and bright, a young, fearsome woman that’s gonna turn out to be so incredible, he’s certain. A small baby who’s soon to walk.

Dean already knows, this kid is destined for great things.

She’s gonna grow up, past the tutus and the miniature racing-car collections, she’s gonna have a movie she’ll play on repeat for ever and ever, with a song that he’ll learn by heart after having heard it so many times. She’s gonna go to high school and she’ll be bullied but she’ll learn to kick some serious ass. She’ll develop interests, she’ll have mediocre grades but a fiery passion and a love for anything alive.

She’ll, then, go to college. She’ll fall in love, with people and life itself. She’ll do what she loves most and she’ll be so damn good at it, she’ll excel.

And Dean… Dean will be nowhere near her to see all of it.

The bitterness… it makes his eyebrows stitch together, his lip curl in clear frustration and sadness. After everything he’s been through, finally finding the person he loves most and creating a full-ass apple pie life, and it’s all gonna be gone as soon as it started. Because, as he told his favorite Hannah, life’s a fucking bitch, and there’s no denying it.

As he lays there in his bed, pale as a sheet, watching her giggle for a while, reaching for the stars, soon yawning, small eyelids shutting softly and rocking just slightly, he… he falls in love with her. This tiny, tiny happy-beyond-words creature that could ask anything of him, and he’d do it, god damn it. He really would.

A giant bubble grows in his chest, a bubble that makes him feel like he’ll protect her at absolute all costs. He’ll grab the moon and fucking move it if that’s what she needs. And all she has to do is yawn and fall asleep.

A tear appears in the corner of his eye, lingering and falling down his ashy cheek. He can’t believe he brought this bright ray of sunshine to this world, and he’s about to make her live with an absent father. That he won’t get any memories with her at all. It’s torture. All of it.

He doesn’t know what else to do, so he grabs his pen with more determination. If he’s to leave her with something, it’ll be a part of him and that is that.

~~~~~

I was born on January 24th, 1979, the first son of a, dare I say, colossally unlucky family. Your uncle, Sam, my brother, is four years younger and will ALWAYS be a wimp, don’t let the height fool you. He always had terrible, shaggy hair and was always the sharpest tool in the box. Hell, the boy went to freaking LAW SCHOOL of all places! That’s kinda crazy!

My parents, your grandparents, were Mary and John.

Mary was a sweet, incredible, fearsome blonde woman, kindest of them all. She’d cut the crusts off my toast, sing Hey, Jude to me before bed and tell me angels were watching over me. (While we’re on the topic of the Beatles, make a note to listen to them. “Hey, Jude” must be your first song, but beyond the classics [Let it Be, Hard Day’s Night, I Saw Her Standing There, I Wanna Hold your hand etc] I hope “Lucy in the Sky With Diamonds” will hold a special spot in your heart, much like me.)

So, Mary. Sweet Mary. She was a real badass, you know. This one time, Sammy was hungry, so I decided to make, get this, French fries. I think I was seven. She caught me getting ready to pour oil in a very hot pan. When I say she swooped in, I mean it, quite literally. I think she saved me a hand that day.

Now, about John…You’ll have to forgive the mess that I’m about to make with this, but John was a fucking sorry excuse of a father, alright? He got piss-drunk every night after Mom died, and naturally, Sam and I were the punching bags, sometimes literally. The best nights were the ones he wasn’t home.

For years, the house was silent. Sam and I tried to keep everything clean, stock up on canned food, because at times we would only have ten bucks to hold us for over two weeks. I took him to school, fed him, made sure he studied –not that I really had to- and kept John of his hair. At sixteen I picked up a shift at Bobby Singer’s garage, a man that, at this point, deserves the Dad title significantly more than John.

Whenever Sammy was sick, it was my fault. Was anyone loud? Dean’s fault. House dirty? Dean’s fault. Did we wake him up? …Let’s just say we learned not to do that.

I tried to put myself before Sam, did anything I could to protect him. There were times when that wasn’t even enough.

I dropped out of high school at seventeen. The second I saved up enough money, I rented a hole of an apartment at the other side of town, in an attempt to help Sam have a normal life, and we hauled ass out of there.

Before I tell you about our shitty apartment, let me tell you about the highlights of my high school career. Starting off with me “unintentionally” kicking a ball at my least favorite teacher’s face (and hitting him) ((Don’t take your father’s example, kid, violence isn’t the answer.)) (Did feel pretty good at the time though), making out with Jenny in the Janitor’s closet and with Arthur at the locker rooms afterhours (I don’t know what age you’re reading this at, but I sure hope it’s over 16). Also, that one time I pulled a prank at my friend, Cole. I spray painted his entire locker. He didn’t like me very much, to be honest…

~~~~~

An important story I feel inclined to share with you, would be the fact that I was once a bully.

Kids are just mean, but also, I couldn’t understand that troubles at home, traumatic pasts and anger are not to be taken out on other people who are not at fault. Instead of finding a healthy way to deal with everything that was happening at home, I decided that every happy person that was weak enough to meddle with, didn’t deserve any happiness.

I picked on a couple of people, but I think the one I will always regret will be Kevin Tran.

Kevin was a freshman when I was in junior year. He was in the Math club, the Science club and the Robotics club. He had maybe two friends, he was skinny, short, shy as hell, he drowned himself in oversized clothes and always carried a neon green book bag around, that worked on me like red cloth to a bull.

Every time I spotted the bag in the hallway, the drill would start. Shoving the poor kid against the locker, calling him names and laughing at his face for no apparent reason. I’d steal his calculators when I found out he had chemistry tests, spray paint the door of his locker and cause rib bruises from my shoving him against walls and furniture.

I soon find out Kevin was severely depressed. In fact, I saw him in the back of the school, where I’d usually go out to smoke because I thought it was cool (it’s not, it makes you light headed, unfocused and struggle to breathe. Just an all-around terrible experience, but this is just a side-note.)

It was a Friday after school. I didn’t wanna go straight home and Sam still had one more period, so I decided to go smoke and listen to some music in the back of the school building. And that’s where I found him.

I don’t know into how much detail I should go here, but Kevin was harming himself. With a small pocket knife, he sat on an old basket and made incisions on his arms, tears running down his face like a faucet. My God, Hannah, I’ve never felt like a bigger piece of shit in my life, because I knew, and I knew very well, that at least part of those incisions were caused by me.

I called out to him, and the look on his face, as he scrambled away from me, made me feel so much worse. I was the scum of the earth at that moment. I was the biggest asshole on the planet.

My initial reaction, I’ll admit, was pretty harsh. I grabbed the pocket knife out of his hands and threw it as far as possible in the grass. I grabbed a small first aid kit I had in my bag (in case anything happens to Sam), made him sit down by force and bandaged him up. He’d been reduced to sniffles by the time I was done.

Somewhere in between, I remember, he asked me why I was doing this. I didn’t answer.

Eventually, when I was done, I sat on the ground in front of him, ripping blades of grass from the ground. I apologized. Something along the lines of “I didn’t know, not that that’s an excuse. What I’m going through is not an excuse, but I hope it makes you understand that it was nothing to do with you. I’ll stop. I’m sorry. Don’t do this to yourself, man.”

That evening, Kevin was one of the very first people who found out about John. His own dad had passed away, and things at home were rough with his mom. That, along with the whole depression thing… it wasn’t a good combo.

After a solid two hours of talking with him, making amends, apologizing profusely and getting my apology accepted (which I absolutely didn’t deserve by the way,) we made it back out front.

From then on, I stopped picking on anyone. Kevin and I actually became really good friends, though we drifted apart eventually. I think he works in Google now.

This is really important. I want you to pay attention and take heed of my words. There are a couple lessons in this story.

One, be kind. Always be kind. To everyone. It doesn’t matter if they’re going through a rough time or not, the same way it didn’t matter that Kevin’s father was dead. You don’t know the other person. There’s never a reason to not be kind, if the person has done nothing to you. A smile can make somebody’s day, a compliment can go a long way, and being open and honest and kind will make people who are looking for help find you, it will make other’s lives better, and if you’ve helped even a single person, your life has been successful.

Two, never, and I mean never take your emotional pain out on yourself, or others. There are healthy ways to deal with ugly emotions. There are people who can help. Find a new hobby, as silly as it sounds. Start doing something creative, something that draws your attention elsewhere, like art of any kind, or, in my case, fixing cars. Something to keep you busy. If you’re in trouble, emotional or otherwise, there are people who love and support you, who will do their mightiest to be by your side, and if those aren’t your friends, they’re definitely your family.

Bottling up emotions, or dealing with them in horrible, unhealthy ways has been my go-to. Don’t be like me. Express yourself in different ways, and don’t keep your feelings shoved under the carpet, because it will, absolutely, unceremoniously explode, and you’ll take people down with you. And that’s when you’ll feel like the worst person in the world. The guilt, the residue of said ugly feelings isn’t worth it. Trust me.

If you make mistakes, if you hurt people who don’t deserve it, learn from it, grow, be better. Do not sink into yourself , don’t hate yourself. Apologize, make amends and move on, try to never do the same thing. It’s okay. We’re all human. The only thing that matters is that you try to be better.

No matter what, remember that I will always love you.

~~~~

So. Our apartment back in Kansas was, as I told you, a real dump. It had a tiny-ass kitchen with a miniature stove, two mattresses that were creaky and lumpy and were left there by the previous owners, as well as the TINIEST bathroom you’ve ever seen. It didn’t have shower walls, it had a shower head and a drain on the floor and was not in any way separated from the toilet. The walls of the place were peeling, the floor was tiled and cracked in a bunch of places and the humidity must’ve been over 80%.

I fucking loved that place.

On our third day there, I borrowed some spray paints from Cole, carried them in a cardboard box up the claustrophobic, green stairs, and opened the door in absolute triumph. That day, Sam and I opened the two windows, scratched the paint off the walls with two spatulas and went WILD. It must’ve been the only day Sam didn’t study.

Actually, no, now that I think about it, there was another time, when little ol’ ten-year-old Sam fell off a ledge and freakin’ broke his arm. I dumped him on Cole’s bike and pedaled to the hospital like a maniac. That was the first day he didn’t study.

Anyways, that apartment wall made our crappy little living situation a home. Our own sanctuary. We finally got agency over our lives, from staying up late, to choosing which type of dish soap we’d use because it smelled better and didn’t remind us of the terror chores once were. Eventually, we got soft blankets, books, board games, decorations… Finally, after 18 years, we’d started our lives.

I think one of my favorite memories would be coming home from my first date with a guy. I was just 18 and Benny, the dude, kissed me before I left, his fists clutching at my flannel. I was driving home with a giant, dopey-ass smile, stretching from one ear straight to the other. That same night, with new-found confidence, I told Sammy to drop his book, bought ourselves some beers and snacks, and drove to my favorite clearing.

There, right under the stars, with Sammy trying out his first beer, I told him I’m bisexual, and the cute bastard hugged me and told me he loved me no matter what. That same night, he thanked me for everything I did for him while living with John. We talked until the sun was rising.

I’ll tell you this right now, kid, in case you haven’t gotten it yet. I love Sam. Love him to bits. I raised that kid all on my own and will do anything to protect him. I know he cares for me, I know it kills him to see me like this, in a bed, pale, miserable and coughing every three seconds. I just want you to know, honey, that whatever you need, anything at all that, for some reason, you don’t want to tell Dad, you go to Sam, okay? You can trust him to be supportive, loyal, to be there for you when no one else is and to love you like you’re his own daughter and best friend. I promise you, he will always, always be there when I’m not.

That night made us grow so much closer. The lesson here, I’d say, is be bold and confident in what you believe in and who you are. Be your own, unique self, be brave, and love whoever you choose to fully and with your whole heart, without shame, ever. If you are yourself, I promise, you’ll find the people that love you for you, not the person you’re pretending to be. You’ll inspire other to be themselves.

A good example of this would be my best friend, Charlie. When I came out, I was armed to the teeth to deal with whoever wanted to bully me for that part of me. To tell you the truth, my school coming out was a mishap. It takes nothing but a risky make-out session in the janitor’s closet and nosey students that rip doors open far too violently. Nevertheless, I was literally out of the closet, fists up. And that’s exactly when I met Charlie.

With her comic book stories and her books, her bubbly personality and bright smile, she wiggled her way into our lives and permanently stayed there. She was a freshman when I was a senior, but she seemed to find sanctuary by my side, as I did by hers. She was just one of those people who clicked, you know? Far too mature and interesting for her age, with an obsession with computers, even back when they were barely even a thing.

She now lives with her long-term girlfriend, Gilda, who owns the best bakery in the state. Ask for the apple pie, you will not be disappointed.

Charlie demanded of me to tell you, first off, to watch Marvel and screw DC right to hell (with which I have to agree, though Batman still remains one of the coolest Superheroes of my childhood (and Joker, the coolest villain)). She also told me that, if you read this, go ask her for her comics, She’d love to let you borrow them and she’s certain you’ll love them. Second off, she asked of me to tell you the Impala story…

It’s not as grand as she makes it out to be, honestly. However this is the part where you’ll learn all about the one and only Bobby Singer.

Bobby was my boss, an old friend of dad’s John’s and the first person who ever saw the bruises under my sleeves. He gave me a job, a family, and later on… a car.

Bobby owns a scrapyard. He taught me everything I know about cars, including driving, and for my seventeenth birthday, he brought a dusty, beat-up car in my workspace. The hood was bent, the seats were torn, and the engine needed immediate replacing. The customer never paid the price for the compartments the garage had paid, so under store policy, the car was ours.

Hannah, I can’t exactly describe to you how long it took me to repair that car. Buying the spare parts and assembling them would’ve probably taken less time. I built her from the ground up, it took me almost a month and a half of daily, eight-to-six work, but I made it. I fixed her up. She was in prime condition, and I had completely fallen in love with her.

I finished working on her early January, dreading the moment I would see her drive away. Bobby had seen all the effort, by then I’d worked at his place for over a year. So, on the day of my birthday, I opened my locker to put on my jumpsuit, when I saw a box placed on my neatly folded clothes. I’m sure you’ve guessed it by now. Yes. It was the keys to my dream car. A beautiful, sleek, black 1967 Chevrolet Impala, the one I had brought back to life. And it was all mine.

I don’t think I’ve hugged Bobby any tighter since then. Hell, I don’t think I’ve hugged him period.

That car… That car is probably the most stable thing in my life, apart from Sam, obviously. I’ve cried in that car, I’ve escaped from my terrible past, I’ve laughed, I’ve had my first time, I’ve been through breakups and I’ve spent my best days with it. I cherish it more than any other item I know. It’s not even an item, it’s my baby. I love it almost as much as I love you.

I met your dad, and kissed him for the first time in that car.

It’s actually a pretty fucking hilarious story. Cas was on a date with this guy who was completely disgusting and creepy as hell, so in true movie fashion he decided to, get this, jump out the bathroom window and escape.

Yeah.

So just as he was running out of the bar, the guy must’ve caught wind of him or something, because he stepped outside in order to find Cas. What did your dad decide to do, I hear you ask? He ducked behind a car in the parking lot, opened the first unlocked door he found, and jumped in.

Spoiler alert. It was my car.

I was sitting in the front seat, fighting with Sam through text when the door opened. It was highly comical, watching this guy duck behind the bench seat, mumbling “oh God, oh God, oh God, please don’t see me, oh God.” I cleared my throat.

“Oh, I see you, buddy.” That’s the first thing I told him. The look on his face and the genuine yelp, made me laugh a full belly laugh, and completely forget about my fight with Sam. He apologized profusely, explained panicked what had happened and begged me to stay in my car just for a couple minutes so the guy can lose him.

Long story short, we ended up going out ourselves. I don’t know how to explain it… we just clicked immediately. Like, there was a connection. Him and his big words, his baby blue eyes, his steady, deep and rough voice… I knew right away that all I wanted was to spend time with him, learn everything he was willing to share with me.

I’m so glad to have met your Dad. He was, is and always will be one of the best, kindest, most humble and genuine people on the planet. He sees the world from such a beautiful point of view that contradicts my eternal realism (he enjoys calling me pessimistic.) He’s a genuinely great person, and I can’t wait for you to figure so out yourself, if you haven’t already.

Of course, it wasn’t all fine and dandy. Meeting his parents was hellish. Let’s just say, Chuck and Naomi aren’t… the best people. They tried really, really hard to stop us from seeing each other, and eventually, they completely disowned Cas. He doesn’t like to talk about them much. His brother, Gabriel is an asshole, but a loveable one, while his other brother, Michael, you probably don’t know about. And you shouldn’t. Let’s just leave it at that. If Cas wants to share that story with you, he’ll do it at his own time.

I’m sure there’s a lesson to be learned here. Something about, when finding your person, to keep them, fight for them, don’t stop loving them because everyone else is telling you (unless of course that person is toxic). But I don’t think I can give you solid love advice through a dumb book. Every relationship is different, and your Dad’s better at this than me anyways.

I don’t know exactly how long this thing is, by this point, but I’ve almost finished the pages of this booklet. I was really, really worried I wouldn’t finish it in time, but here we are. However many thousand words later, and I’m clueless as to how to wrap this up.

My life isn’t over yet, however it looks like it soon will be. I will confess to you, I’m scared, but most of all I’m angry. I’m angry at the world, at life and fate, if that’s even a thing, at God even. I’ve fought my whole life for peace and quiet, and right when I have found it, it’s being ripped from under my feet. Cancer fucking sucks.

No matter, my chin is up, and so are my fists. Winchesters don’t give up easy. I will fight this until my last breath, even if the chance of watching you grow up and being able to tell you everything I’ve written face-to-face, is nothing but a sliver. After all, impossible odds were always my favorite.

Sweetheart… I don’t know what to say. This might be the only thing you have left of me for the rest of your life, and it tears me up inside. Of course, I will not be able to write thirty five years of experience in a small book such as this, but this is a part of me, memories you can keep all to yourself. Ask Dad or Sam about any of it, I’m sure they’ll fill some gaps, tell you things I haven’t written.

I don’t want you to cry much, even though I’m not sure you will at all, given the fact that you’ve never met me. Either way, whether you feel or think anything of me or not, I want you to know that I love you so much. I’ve only known you for a couple of months, and, already, you’re the brightest ray of sunshine in my life.

I promise I will be by your side no matter what happens, through every milestone and hardship, I will love you from wherever I am.

Honey, please stay true to yourself. Never give up, no matter what curveballs life throws at you. There’s always reason to keep going, even if you can’t see it. Always keep fighting, ‘till your last breath, ‘cause you’re a Winchester and you’ve absolutely got this.

If there is something I want you to remember from the scribbly mess I’ve made, it’s this:

I love you. I’m proud of you. I believe in you.

Go get ‘em, tiger.

Bonus:

Tears streaming down velvety soft cheeks, dainty fingers gripping the book tightly, like her life depends on it, Hannah stares at the ceiling and groans at the mess she is. It’s the second time she read that last bit, and just as she thought she’d gotten over it, here she is, crying just as hard as the first.

She gets off her bed, pulling on her sweater sleeves. Feet in slippers, she makes her way down the corridor, knocking on the door, and opening when she gets an answer. Her fingers grip the doorknob, the other clutching the book, and she stares at the bed, watching as green eyes look up from his laptop.

“Why did you give this to me, you ass, you’re not dead,” she sobs, and Dean pushes his laptop to the side, arms opening wide to invite her in them.

“Aw honey,” he coos, a gentle, loving smile on his face. Hannah climbs on the bed and slides to his side, curling up in his arms. “It’s okay.” Fingers stroking her hair gently, as sobs wrack through the poor girl’s body. Dean almost feels bad.

Just then, Cas appears in the doorway, having heard Hannah’s cries. He sees the booklet clutched in her arms, her face buried in Dean’s neck, hidden behind her spring-curly hair. He makes eye contact with his husband, a knowing half-smile on his lips, as he leans on the doorway.

“I love you,” Hannah says, nose stuffed and running. “Thank you for not giving up on a relationship with me, even when you didn’t think you’ll survive.” Tears wet Dean’s eyes, as he presses a kiss on the crown of her head.

“I love you too.”

#dean fluff #dean angst #destiel #daddy!dean #destiel dads #supernatural au #spn fanfiction #supernatural #spn angst #spn fluff #oc

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hockeyluver-1995 · 5 years

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Chance Meetings- Morgan Rielly Story Chapter 14

Chapter 14

Word Count: 3.1

Trigger: talks about being in a manipulative relationship.

December 26th, 2018

Morgan message me his flight itinerary the day he left for Vancouver. He was scheduled to arrive home early in the morning so being the good girlfriend that I am, I decided to head over to his place so that I could bake him some treats as well as surprise him with some lunch.

Morgan had given me his spare key, so That way when he got home I would already be there and breakfast would be ready, and then we could spend the rest of the day in bed in each other’s arms. Technically we had only spent a couple of days apart, but for some reason, it felt like an eternity.

I had just taken out the healthy muffins that I made out of the oven when my phone started ringing. I looked at the caller ID confused as to who was calling me from an unlisted number, curiosity got the best of me and I clicked answer.

“Hello?” I questioned as I brought the phone up to my ear.

“Babe,” said the voice that I recognized right away. My heart dropping into my stomach the second I heard his voice. The voice that at one point in my life, I loved hearing and it was the voice that I craved hearing.

“Lucas,” I replied with an annoyed tone, “why are you calling?”

“I made a big mistake, I should have never let you walk away,” he took a deep breath before continuing on his speech. “What I did to you was incredibly stupid, and I lost the best thing that had ever happened to me because of it,” Lucas said as he sniffled into the phone, obviously, I could help my think that he was acting slightly emotional to mess with my head.

I always thought that Lucas would make a better actor than hockey player solely based on the fact that he was good at manipulating me into doing whatever he wanted.

It took me stepping back from the situation and leaving him for me to realize just how much of our relationship had traits of being kind of emotionally abusive. Now that I am with Morgan, I look back at my relationship with Lucas and I realize that it was never 50/50. It was always about him his wants, his needs, and his dreams.

“Are you kidding me right now, you have had over a year to say this but now that I am finally happy and am in love you phone me expecting me to just forgive you and get back together with you? Like you didn’t shatter my heart?” I yelled as I started pacing back and forth.

“Are you also forgetting the fact that YOU cheated on me with countless women for two years? You made me believe that we had a future, that I was the one who you were going to spend the rest of your life with, we even talked about our future children.”

I didn’t even get to finish what I needed to tell him when he tried to interrupt me.

“Hold on it gets worse… when you got caught you tried to manipulate me into believing that you would change. But I guess what they say is true ‘once a cheater always a cheater’.” I took a deep breath and continued “Morgan makes me feel like I am a priority, and he most definitely does not make me feel like it’s an inconvenience to love me.”

“Hails, I promise you that I have changed and that I am a better man than Morgan. I bet he doesn’t know how to make you feel the way I did.” He replied a cocky tone coming out in his voice.

“You are unbelievable!” I screamed into the phone frustration evident in my voice, as I paced back and forth.

“Morgan is more of a man than you will ever be. He makes me feel as well as treats me 100 times better than you ever did. And you better believe that means in the bedroom as well.”

“And unlike you, his actions speak louder than his words. And he truly loves me and doesn’t just make empty promises to get me into bed. I bet you’re just jealous that he got the girl and he is a better hockey player than you. Who plays full seasons in the NHL, instead of being a player who spends most of his season in the AHL. The fact that you think you can phone me and manipulate me into leaving him, proves to me why I will never get back together with you or any other guy for that matter.�� I said as I smirked into the phone. I knew what I said was harsh but in my mind, he deserved it, especially after everything that happened between us. I finally dared to tell Lucas everything that I have been bottling up since the night I left him. I honestly believe that being with Morgan has created a sense of self-confidence within myself, and has showcased a strength I never knew I had.

“This isn’t over.” He muttered as he hung up the phone.

I had just hung up the phone when Morgan walked into the apartment. He was hoping that I would already be at his house when he came home from the airport. Even though it had only been a couple of days he had missed me like crazy and he couldn’t wait to have me in his arms. A big smile formed on his face when he noticed my boots and jacket hanging near the front door. But what caught Morgan by surprise was the fact that I didn’t rush to greet him as soon as I heard the front door open. My plan originally was to surprise him by wearing one of his dress shirts and jumping in his arms. However, the phone call from Lucas threw me for a loop. Right away Morgan could tell something was off and walked further into the apartment.

“Babe!” He said rushing over to the couch where I had the blanket wrapped tight around my body, creating a sense of comfort. Once sitting down beside me he pulled me into his arms so that my body was in his lap and my head was buried in between his neck and his shoulder. “What happened? Are you hurt?”

I took a deep breath and inhaled Morgan’s cologne before muttering one work “Lucas”

“Oh babe, what did the asshole want?” He questioned as he kissed my forehead.

I looked up into his blue eyes before putting my lips on his neck and mumbling, “I love you and I am so thankful that I am with you. You are one of the best things that have ever happened to me.” I pulled away and kissed him on the lips pouring every ounce of love I could muster up.

“I love you double infinity Hails, but what did he say to make you so upset?”

I quickly sat up straight in his arms and started explaining exactly what Lucas said.

“He said that he saw the post about us that you made on Instagram. He begged me to take him back, saying that cheating on me and letting me go was the worst mistake he has ever made. I then yelled at Lucas saying that he has no right saying those things and that you make me feel like a priority and not some chore he hates doing.”

Morgan looked me in the eyes pulling me closer to him if that’s even possible.

“I promise you that I will never let him hurt you again. You are my girl and you are stronger than he even knows.” He said smiling, before continuing “You are beautiful on the inside and out. You are everything I could ever want in a teammate and my partner. I can not wait to see what our future brings us and I will not be letting you go without putting up one hell of a fight.”

“Mo, know that I am not crying because I miss him. I am crying because I’m so angry with him because he still thinks he can play with my emotions and manipulate me into being with him.”

Morgan nodded his head as he placed his hands on my face pulled my chin up a little so I was looking in his eyes.

“I hate what he did to you. I hate the fact that he hurt you. But it’s his loss, and because of his actions, he lost the best thing that has ever happened to him. Because of his actions, I found you, and I fell in love with the love of my life. Because of him, I get to hold you in my arms, I get to hear your contagious laugh that makes me smile every time I hear it. I get to see the way your eyes sparkle when you do the things you love and most of all I get to show you every single day how much I love you.”

A tear rolled down my cheek as I listened to Morgan’s words. His fingers reached up and wiped away my tears as he slowly placed his lips on mine.

When we pulled away I buried my head in his neck as he pulled me even closer to his chest. In one swift motion, we were standing up as he carried me into his room. He slowly placed me onto his bed as he handed me his Apple TV remote, “choose any movie you want, even a romantic one and I will be right back.” He said as he leaned down and kissed me once more before heading towards the kitchen.

I was still searching through Netflix when he walked back into the room with a basket full of junk food, and a bouquet. They were the flowers that were slowly becoming my favourite flowers, every time he gets me flowers they are the same bouquet. My face lit up at the fact that he must have gone to the grocery store quickly to purchase everything needed for our day in bed.

He set the flowers down on the bedside table before he pulled out his phone connecting it to his portable speaker.

I couldn’t help but giggle as Morgan played the song ‘Whoever Broke Your Heart’ by Murphy Elmore.

I was not prepared for what happened next... Morgan started singing the song while looking deep into my eyes.

As he was belting out the words he slowly started to sway his hips and reached up to take off his sweater.

I’m sure all you could hear were my giggles as I watched Morgan remove one piece of clothing at a time at a teasing pace as he serenaded me.

Morgan grabbed my hands pulling me into his arms, as we slowly started swaying to the beat of the music. I fell more in love with him at this moment as he sang the lyrics in my ear... lyrics that seemed to be written for us, they seemed to fit our situation perfectly.

It must have been a funny scene to watch, us swaying to the music. Morgan only wearing his boxers and I was wearing one of his long sleeve shirts that just covered my bum.

It’s moments like this, moments when we are so consumed in each other that time seems to stand still. Moments that I wish could be caught on tape so that we could have video memories of just how in love we are, for us to look back on, to reminisce about the beginning stages of our lives together. Memories that we could show our children one day so that they could see just how in love their parents are and exactly how much they love each other even before they got married and had children.

Once the song was over Morgan picked me up in his forearms and spun me around before kissing my lips.

Seconds later I was being thrown onto the bed as he dove on top of me laughing.

“God, I love you.” I murmured as I patted at the space beside me in bed.

He rolled over so that he was not squishing me, laughing as he pulled me into his chest. Giggling I grabbed the remote and clicked play as we started watching the movie ‘the proposal.’

“What are your plans for our 9-day break at the end of January?” Asked Morgan as he looked down at me, the movie playing in the background.

I shifted my position so I could see him better, “well I have the week off so I was kind of hoping you would tell me what we would be doing.”

Morgan’s face lit up at my reply “well we are either going to San Jose for the all-star games or Vancouver.”

“Well, I may have jumped the gun a little. I asked Jess and Tom a couple of days ago for time off when I noticed the big break in your schedule. So I am free to follow you where ever you go.” I said as I blushed a little bit, waiting to see his reaction to the fact that I just assumed he would want me to tag along on his break.

Morgan smiled even bigger than I thought possible as he kissed my lips.

“Perfect! Because I think my parents love you more than me at this point. They couldn’t stop talking about you during the Christmas break.”

I started giggling once I heard that his parents wouldn’t stop talking about me. “Well I’m guessing the same thing will happen with my parents, they can’t wait to meet the guy their daughter is in love with,” quickly adding, “the last part is their words, not mine.”

Morgan laughed as his eyes lit up, at the fact that my parents were just as excited to meet him, as he was to meet them.

“I know we are having junk food, lounge in bed all day kind of day to forget about Lucas but we do need to talk about the fact that we play Vancouver at home on Jan 5th.” Said Morgan as he absentmindedly rubbed his hand up and down my arm an action that made me feel calm.

“Please do not worry about me, because I’m not worried at all. Just play your game because I know Lucas and he will do anything to get under your skin. You are a better player than him, he is an AHL player who is fighting for his chance to play in the NHL.”

“Hails you also don’t need to worry about me. I already know he is jealous of me, I got the girl of my dreams and I am living out my dreams of being an NHL player.

“You’re slowly becoming a star in the NHL, working your way to being one of the best defensemen in the league. How many goals and assists do you already have and it’s only the end of December?”

Morgan quietly mumbled “13 goals and 31 assists,” before saying, “I’m having my best year yet, and it all started when I met you. I believe it’s because I have you in my corner supporting me, loving me, and cheering me on every day.”

We were laying in bed enjoying each other’s company as we ate junk food and talked.

I was scrolling through my Instagram feed when I saw that my best friend from Vancouver had just gotten engaged.

“Omg,” I squealed, as my smile grew wider as I thought about my best friends future wedding.

“What?” Questioned Morgan as he smiled at my reaction.

“Look,” I said as I tossed my phone towards Morgan. “My best friend Brittney just got engaged!” I exclaimed as I lunged into his body, catching him off guard.

“Uff,” he gasped trying to catch his breath as I knocked the wind out off him with my elbow.

“Whoops,” I giggled as Morgan took some deep breaths trying to regain his normal breathing pattern.

“Can I look at the picture now? Or should I be prepared for you to take my breath away again.” Morgan teased as he grabbed my phone once again, to look at the photo.

“Well you should be used to be taking your breath away, it’s a daily occurrence.” I joked as I settled back into Morgan's arms as he held my phone out in front of us.

“Wait, that’s my friend Ryan from back home,” he stated as he zoomed in on the picture.

“No way,” my eyes widening at the fact that Brittney’s fiancé was one of Morgan’s friends from home.

“This is so crazy!” He shook his head at the fact that we had a mutual friend.

“I can’t believe our friends are engaged and it took you moving to Toronto for us to meet. Can you imagine what would have happened if we just happened to be at the same party when you were living in Vancouver.” He kissed my forehead and pulled me even tighter.

“I think we met when we were supposed to meet. I have a feeling that if we had met when I was in Vancouver, I would have tried to avoid you. For a while, I was avoiding every male like they were the plague, just because of what happened with Lucas.” I said as I looked up at Morgan, slowly leaning in for a kiss.

“So how did you meet Britt?” Asked Morgan, as he still couldn’t believe that I knew his friend Ryan.

“We met my first year at UBC, we were both studying at a cafe when she sat down beside me. We started talking and we hit it off so she invited me into her friend group and I guess the rest is history.”

“I’m kind of mad at Ryan!” Stated Morgan shaking his head smiling.

“Wait, Why?” I questioned.

“Because he didn’t even try to set you up with me, he must have known you were the perfect girl for me.” His answer caused me to giggle as I said, “well you are going to have to take that up with him.”

“I’m going to text him right now,” Morgan said as he grabbed his phone from the side table.

I quickly sent Britt a congratulations text, and layback down in Morgan’s arms enjoying the rest of the movie.

Finally at peace after an emotionally draining afternoon, I slowly fell asleep in the comforts of his arms.

#morgan rielly #morgan rielly fanfiction #morgan rielly imagines #nhl imagines #nhlfanfiction

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aquariusgod · 5 years

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i know this is an astrology blog but HOW CAN I GET RID OF DEPRESSION

I’m not a therapist & I definitely suggest going to see one if it is something available to you. A lot of places have at least one mental health facility per county that will accept you even if you do not have insurance.But, knowing that people under 18 follow my blog, I’ll answer with little tips & tricks that help me alleviate my depressive symptoms.

• Balancing time with others & yourself. This is super important, as you don’t want to isolate yourself, but you also don’t want to avoid your problems all together. If your depression happens to stem from a situation, ignoring the issue will prolong your depression, which means you’ll need time to assess it alone or with the help of others (preferably an adult 21+ or that is very experienced & kind). If your depression stems from a chemical imbalance, spending too much time with others may cause a “crash” when you’re alone, making it feel like the symptoms are worse than before. This is hard to master, so try as hard as you can. • Your Sleep Schedule, fix it. Personally, when I’m depressed I’ll sleep for what feels like days at a time. Up at 1pm, asleep at 3am. Sometimes up at 4pm & asleep at midnight. It’s a real mess! Remember, if you aren’t sleeping right, you can’t eat right! It’s hard to totally just fix your schedule on a whim, so try & set up little coffee dates with friends earlier in the morning to force yourself awake. • To Cancel or Not To Cancel. 90% of the time, don’t cancel your plans in favor of depression. Unless your day is particularly bad, try & go out anyways. Even if you message them telling them you’ll be a little late, or may want to leave a little early. Keeping up with plans will grant you structure, even when your sleep schedule won’t co-operate.• Breakfast, Lunch & Dinner. Don’t forget to eat! Ever! Growing up, my diet fucked me over HARD. I was always out of energy, constantly depressed, and lived off of snacks & caffeine. It worked, technically, but not for the better. Even if you can’t have a full meal, try & just grab something. Maybe an egg for breakfast, a quick sandwich for lunch & some McDonalds for dinner. Work up the ladder. Make sure you have some protein. (So if you need something quicker than an egg, peanut butter toast is fine). If you’re eating light meals, bring snacks wherever you go. Again, healthier the better. Oranges, imo, are the best. Apples & Banana’s bruise & get disgusting too quickly. Oranges will last you for as long as you need them & taste fucking delicious. (If you’re not into fruit, again, peanut butter crackers for protein, cheese sticks, those “healthy” chips, ect).

Yeah, that’s all pretty basic. You’re gonna hear that shit a LOT. For probably ever? Here are some of the things that may be more specific.

• Everyone has somewhere that makes them feel calm, productive, and naturally feels alleviating. For me, it’s the shower/bathroom, with the water running. I feel like a total dick, but also, I feel something. So, when I’m depressed, I tend to take 7-10 showers a week. Sometimes even more! (My skin doesn’t like me very much, though). • Some people for more comfortable talking about what depressed them than others. That’s okay! If you’re able to talk about it with friends, do! If you aren’t, you don’t have to keep a journal or anything. Just try & talk to yourself & remind yourself that the depression isn’t permanent, you’ll find a way out.• Energy Renewal. Honestly, I spend one day a week away from everyone. Everyone. I text people (who I text everyday) and make plans for the following day. Otherwise, radio silence. I do stuff on social media, study if I can, and sleep. It’s not the healthiest, but usually if I’m extra depressed due to lack of a social battery, I feel a little better the next day.• “Self Care.” Yeah, you hear it a lot. This doesn’t have to be washing your face & using a face mask. This doesn’t need to be a bubble bath. Sometimes, it’s just curling up on your couch with your favorite blanket & remote in hand. Try & DO something relaxing, & don’t fall asleep. Reading a book is the best, but not something I’ve managed to make myself do in a long time.• Try & find something that seems to be a root of situational depression (whether it’s the general situation or if it’s a stressor thats made your depression worse). Try & work on it. Find out what it is, why it’s there, and what to do to “fix” it. Can’t fix it? Address it. Apologize, if you did something wrong. Address your fears. Hold a candle to the madness & tell it to fuck off to the plane it came from.• Avoid self-sabotaging behavior. Avoid impulsive behavior. That means no suddenly downloading tinder & fucking the first match you get. That means using a condom even though you don’t care if he nuts in you. That means no going online & buying 7 outfits you won’t wear because you’re having a hard time getting out of your pjs rn. It won’t be motivation. That means no drugs, unless prescribed. Try to keep from arguing with others (esp those you care about). Keep messaging your significant other. Don’t seek affection elsewhere if you’re in a relationship. The easiest way to put this is to be mindful of how you Fuck, Spend, Interact, Intake & Love. It takes a lot of practice, but try & identify if you want to do something because you like the idea & it sounds good, or you feel like it may feel good momentarily.• Look at the drugs you’re on, if any. If there is something prescribed to you, talk to your doctor about it & depression, and whether or not there are any medications that may not have that side affect for you. Changing medications can help significantly, especially if you’re taking birth control or something else for mental health / hormonal treatment. Seek out alternative medication with your doctor, in order to find something that both works for you & doesn’t harm your mental health.

Again, when it comes down to it, these MAY help. These are tips & tricks. The most important thing I can tell you — and I cannot stress this enough — is seek professional help. If it is not available to you physically, there are many online professionals through apps & sites. If you are scared of both of those, even seeking help of a trusted adult (teacher, family member, guidance consoler) is helpful. Someone who is a listening ear who can provide you proper guidance.Even then, only a therapist will be able to work with you in the necessary ways to completely do away (or help significantly) with your depression.

& I want to point out these things are NOT easy when you’re depressed. I’m currently going through a bout so hard I only eat maybe once a day, & that’s typically only when I’m starving. My sleep schedule is literally 4pm - 3am bc I don’t want to wake up. The only time I feel something is when I’m with friends & even then I tend to feel withdrawn. It is NOT easy. Do what you can. Go a little at a time. Do NOT beat yourself up if you don’t start tomorrow, but do try. The most important thing is, while it doesn’t necessary help your depression: stay away from things that can harm you. Don’t impulse spend, don’t fuck strangers, don’t do illegal drugs. These will only hurt later on, whether fiscally or otherwise.

#depression #mental health #not astro #i am NOT a therapist #this is what works for me

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addictingvictories · 5 years

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37-43

37. what do they think about polyamorous relationships? would they do it?

it’s not something she thinks about-- however, i can definitely see victoria being in a poly relationship.

38. do they have parents / parental figures? do they have a good relationship with them?

victoria has both of her parents. ( raincheck on if her mother is the biological one or not, i have thoughts ) the relationship she has with them is quite complex. i don’t think victoria hates either of them, but just because of this, doesn’t mean she doesn’t hold grudges or has a good or healthy relationship with them. she was ( and is ) the apple of their eyes, they gave her everything she wanted and more-- but what they gave in materiality, they lacked in nurturing. ( probably has spent more time with the staff and her friends than with her own parents.)

spades has kept the violence that happens in their environment as away as he can, but victoria isn’t dumb or naive. while he hasn’t personally/explicitly pushed her to take the reins of their ‘empire’ he expects her to, and she knows one day she will have to. ( it started the moment she was raised to have certain beliefs or what to do in different situations, the do’s and dont’s. and she does it perfectly. ) however, she can start to feel the pressure-- it all starting the moment her parents seemingly yeeted back to archaic ways and decided she had to marry adan. ( creating a strain on the natural relationship she had with him )

39. do they have siblings? if so, how many? do they like them?

she doesn’t have any siblings. ( as far as she’s concerned ) she does have, however, an older sibling figure.

40. do they have a big family or a small family? no family?

technically, it’s a small family. with just her parents and her. though with all the mafia business that family is... quite extended.

41. where would they want to live if they could live anywhere? why?

victoria likes big cities. she’d probably want to live somewhere in europe, like MADRID or MILAN.

42. are they happy in their current living situation? why or why not?

debatable. she enjoys and is happy with the LUXURY-- that’s something she frankly won’t ever get tired of ( or want to give away ) she’s also aware it could be a lot worse and that put in certain perspectives-- she’s on top of a lot of things. she, however, doesn’t enjoy the roots of that. it’s one thing to be born rich and be expected to run companies-- it’s another one to do so, and be expected to run a mafia. ( it’s not enjoyable either to have targets on her back since she can ever remember ) surely, sometimes,she doesn’t help her case either, oh well.

43. do they like living alone or with another person / other people?

ANSWERED

#[ answered ] — ❝ тнιѕ ιѕ enтerтaιnмenт lιeѕ are enтerтaιnмenт ❞#ofindcmitability #gaby speaks

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darkhymns-fic · 6 years

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A Little Too Sweet

Lloyd gets a bit obsessive when making Colette's favorite meals.

Genis never wants to see another piece of strawberry ever again.

Fandom: Tales of Symphonia Characters: Lloyd Irving, Colette Brunel, Genis Sage, and the rest Rating: G Mirror Links: AO3 Notes: It was Tales of Symphonia's anniversary on August 29th! (Which I forgot about!) I had nothing for it except this short fic from a while ago that makes no sense. Have fun.

Getting through Latheon Gorge was both frustrating and confusing (especially when the weird wind gusts from the vibrating flowers that dotted the landscape just didn’t seem to work) but after a long trek, the whole party decided to settle down for both rest and sustenance.

Unfortunately, almost (and key word, almost) no one was looking forward to it.

“Hey!” Lloyd shouted from the side of the glade they all sat in, his face beaming. “Just got lunch ready!”

Genis, seated by the grass, gave a deep sigh. “Is it fruit salad agai-”

“It’s fruit salad! Everyone dig in!”

The boy in red had a huge platter held in his hands. It was stacked with rows of neatly cut slices of pineapple, strawberries, apples, lemons and oranges, and was sprinkled with a wide assortment of blackberries here and there, with occasional almonds to add in some more texture to the softness of the meal. Some of the group gave weak smiles, some looked to the ground tiredly, but only one had her eyes lit up at the sight.

“That looks so good, Lloyd!” Colette sat neatly on the ground, just before the dining cloth. “Oh! You even made part of the salad into a cute little doggy face!”

“Heh, yep!” Lloyd set down, admiring his own handiwork in the culinary arts. “That’s what the blackberries were for! To make the nose and eyes!”

“…Is this why you sent me out into the woods to search for those?” Zelos asked incredulously. His clothing looked a little frayed. Even his hair sported the occasional twig. “That took me like two hours!”

“Yeah, but it was important!”

“Lloyd…” Genis started, looking at his bowl that Lloyd was happily dumping some of the fruit into. “Do you think you can like… I don’t know… let me cook next time?”

“I don’t mind making stuff for you guys!” Lloyd proclaimed.

Sheena had to intervene. “Yeah, but, we’ve only had fruit for the past three weeks.”

“Fruit is very healthy for you,” Presea commented. She dumped some kind of sauce onto her bowl that no one really knew what it consisted of.

“And also very sweet!” Colette smiled with happiness after each bite. “Oh! Maybe we can make fruit sandwiches next time?”

Lloyd gave her a thumbs up. “Yeah, no problem!”

“That is not a thing.” Genis glared at both of his friends. “That is not a thing that you make. I don’t care.”

“Presea is right however.” Regal had his bowl very close to his face, courtesy of his shackled hands just making everything difficult for him. “Fruit is healthy. It provides your daily value of fiber.”

“We’ve had plenty of fiber!” Genis tried his best not to shout, but that was the result of being force-fed all assortments of fruits for an extended period of time. “Too much fiber! Sis! Say something!”

Raine was munching pleasantly on her share. “There are lemon wedges. I suppose it’s satisfactory enough.” She gave her little brother a frown. “Even if Lloyd stops making us food, it’s not like I would ever have a chance to experiment with meals of my own, according to everyone’s complaints.”

For Genis, it was either food boredom or actual death. He wasn’t sure what was worse.

“Well, I’m not complaining. My bud is a master at this stuff! And-” Zelos squinted at his bowl, mussing it around with his fork. “Um, no uh, no melons?”

A familiar groan from a familiar ninja. “Of course you miss your damn melons.”

“Oh! I forgot about that, Zelos! Don’t worry. I made you your own dish!”

Zelos was close to having tears in his eyes. To think that his friend would do that for him. The venture out into the woods to collect ingredients for Colette’s doggy portrait was completely forgotten. “Aw, Lloyd!”

“Here you go!” Lloyd plopped the prepared dish in front of Zelos. “Eat up!”

It was fried octopus. A really big one. A really big, fleshy looking, eye bulging octopus.

The dish also had with it some tuna and red snappers to the side, but… the tentacles of the octopus were… touching them…

“Oh, that looks pretty good.” Sheena pointed at the plate, her mouth full. “Got your own seafood platter there.”

Zelos sat there in dejection. “…Yeah.”

Genis saw how it was. He could always see through his best friend, and these past three weeks had made it all the more obvious. But this didn’t mean that Lloyd should subject the others to constant fruity meals just to impress a girl that didn’t even need impressing!

He scuttled close to Lloyd, trying to drag him away from his conversation with Colette with all the force his little arms could muster.

Lloyd turned to him with confusion. “Genis? What is it?”

“Lloyd, you need to stop,” the child stated. “The fruit cocktails were pretty cool at first, until you kept making them four nights in a row. That fruit sculpture was honestly neat, but it took you like half the day to make it and you didn’t even sleep because of it! Also, you can’t make sandwiches, Lloyd. We all know this. Don’t try to make fruit sandwiches. I don’t care what the Wonder Chef told you, he’s completely wrong. Don’t you miss eating beef, Lloyd? Like actual protein? We can’t live off fruit for the rest of this journey!”

Lloyd blinked. He gave a brief glance to Colette, who looked to be in heaven with her meal, then he turned back to Genis. “But I gotta.”

“No. No, you don’t.”

“Colette likes it.”

“She can handle some beef stew once in a while! If this is about making up for not getting her birthday present on time-!”

“Hey, Zelos!” Lloyd shouted suddenly, looking past Genis’ head. “How do you like that dish?”

There was the distant sound of Zelos sobbing.

“Great!”

“Lloyd,” Genis pleaded. “Please listen to reason. I don’t think my digestion can take it anymore. I don’t know how the heck you and Colette can.”

Lloyd looked back down at his own fruit share, already half-eaten. To the side of it, some lemon wedges and apple slices were pushed to the side, looking like someone’s face and long hair. Oh no.

“But I gotta,” Lloyd said, more to himself than to Genis.

Genis put his face in his hands. “I want to die.”

A week later and they were finally back at Altessa’s after some important events happened, but honestly, Genis was past both caring and remembering what they were. He had been pushing through fatigue the entire time, having had no iron intake in the slightest.

Even his sister was looking paler than usual, leaning on her staff as they all stumbled into the house carved into the mountain. “I’m going to take a long nap,” she muttered.

Tabatha greeted them at the door, her robotic motions having long gotten used to by everyone. “Hello. I was. Just making dinner. Roast. Beef. With potatoes. And garnish. Would you like-”

“Please,” Sheena uttered, falling to the floor in a heap. The malnutrition was finally catching up to people. Even Regal and Presea could barely hold their taciturn composures, their eyes lighting up on the thought of actual cooked food on their plates. Zelos was not technically starving, but he was suffering plenty, choking on his octopus-fruit cocktail that Lloyd had insisted on him eating on the way back for some reason.

Of course, Lloyd and Colette were perfectly fine! Just peachy! They were both eating actual peaches at this very moment that Genis was so tempted on burning up with his fire magic. “I’m full now, but thanks Tabatha!” Lloyd told her.

Colette nodded. “Me too! Oh!” She stood up straight after thinking up a… oh no. “Lloyd, do you know how to make peach cobbler?”

“Do I?” Lloyd said to her eagerly. After a moment, he emphasized his answer when she still waited for it. “Yeah, I do.”

“What if we make some for everybody for dessert?”

Lloyd pumped a fist in the air. “That sounds great!”

Usually such a treat would be enough to make any mouth salivate. But all Genis wanted to do was hurl. No more fruit… please…

When Genis failed to convince Lloyd to stop with the meals, he just fell to fate. After everything Lloyd did to save Colette, it made sense that he would try to make up for lost time, to make Colette feel happy, despite the hardships of the journey. When one thought about it, it was rather sweet and romantic. Making her favorite dishes whenever he had the chance to, and as luck would have it, Colette never getting sick of it once! Not! Once!

Genis kinda hated Lloyd a little right now.

Watching his two dearest friends make their way to the kitchen with Tabatha, a dark thought burrowed in his mind.

Once this journey is over, Lloyd, I’ll make some fruit dishes for you all right. It’s your favorite thing now, isn’t it? I’ll sneak in some grape tomatoes for you. Colette likes those, but you’re going to hate it. And you can’t hate it because it’s a fruit. You’ll have to gulp it down for Colette’s sake! Then you’ll be sorry!

But even Genis knew he would never follow through on his revenge plan. In the end, he was just tired. Besides, if he was getting a real meal today, he supposed more fruit in his already fruit-saturated diet wouldn’t be too bad.

He could just send a fireball Lloyd’s way in their next battle anyway. Say it was a mistake. Maybe singe Lloyd’s hair a little. That was good enough revenge for Genis, and he would take it gladly.

#tales of symphonia #lloyd irving #colette brunel #genis sage #tales of #implied colloyd #fanfiction #one shot

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bellewatches · 3 years

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Apple Watch Series 6 2021 - 6 Months Later Review

https://www.youtube.com/embed/09p1IGVLiTE the apple watch series 6 was released just less than six months ago now and i thought it a good time to revisit apple's best smart watch yet and do an updated review so let's check out the apple watch series 6 in 2021 and see if it's still worth your hard cash stay tuned guys welcome back to tech it easy so the apple watch series 6. now there's many reasons why i believe the apple watch series 6 was apple's best smart watch yet and it may have even taken the crown for the best smartwatch of 2020 and believe me that's tough to say coming from a samsung fanboy first let's take a look at the ui so it's running on apple's watchos 7 and there's a lot to love about it and a few things i'm not too keen on most importantly though the watch is super smooth lagging or stuttering isn't something i've noticed a single time in the six months of using it and honestly it's a really pleasant stress-free experience almost so bearing in mind that i daily drive a samsung phone and a galaxy watch 3. I found the app tray to be a little bit difficult especially for first-time users don't get me wrong it looks and feels amazing the haptic feedback you get when zooming in and out feels awesome but for someone who might be new to apple or not quite so tech savvy it's a lot you have all these different icons which are pretty tiny and all over the place and i'm not going to lie i don't think they're quite as clear as they could be i know when i started using it it took me a good while to figure out which app was which really this is the only hugely negative thing i have to say about the apple watch series 6. but i do think simplicity would be a welcome factor into their next version of the ui for example the samsung galaxy watch 3 has the app wheel which tells you clearly which app is which admittedly it doesn't look nearly as nice as the apple watch series 6 but it is a lot more practical now you can change the menu on the apple watch series 6 to a list view which will display the names but that in my opinion doesn't work as well and it looks worse than the galaxy watch ui one thing that does look absolutely awesome in the apple watch series 6 is the watch faces they're absolutely stunning and really what make the screen pop they're also extremely customizable so you can get really creative with them though it doesn't have the choice of third-party watch faces like the galaxy watch 3 does which bothered me at first but then again the galaxy watch doesn't have the insane customizable watch faces the apple watch ships with so it's a fair trade-off really so let's get on to some more of the goodies so this time around the apple watch series 6 has a brighter screen and always on display which is a welcomed upgrade in my opinion considering these devices are going to be used for fitness outside mainly it's important that you're able to see the screen in direct sunlight another thing which is brilliant is the fast charging you can charge this up fully in just 90 minutes which does balance itself out a bit considering it does only have a mere 18 hours of battery life which yeah isn't great but it is enough to get you through the day with ease popping it on charge whilst you're in the shower or having your dinner it will mean you can make the most of all those tracking features and i suppose we should go through what those tracking features actually are so thanks to watch os 7 you can now track your sleep spo2 heart rate steps and more there's even an automatic hand wash timer which starts whenever the apple watch series 6 detects you started washing your hands something that samsung appear to have stolen whoops now if you're wondering about the accuracy of the apple watch series 6 when it comes down to spo2 and heart rate tracking i recently did a test putting it against a medical grade device and comparing it to the galaxy watch 3.

And honestly the results were favorable towards the apple watch series 6. i was really impressed with how it performed if you do want to check out that video i will put a link down in the comment section so what else can the apple watch series 6 do well you can make and receive calls get texts through and even receive emails with both the lte and the gps versions the lte version will let you make and receive calls and more even when away from the phone whilst the gps version will only have that feature available when you're in range of your smartphone in the six months of usage i've found this to work fine i have the gps version here and surprisingly i use it to make calls a lot i'm extremely busy all the time and it just allows me to continue doing what i'm doing i have no difficulty hearing anyone and haven't had any complaints about being able to hear me so the apple watch series 6 seems to be great in that department now maybe i've convinced you to take the plunge and go for it but which model should you go for if you're not particularly tech savvy you might be looking at all the various different models with a confused face so let's start with the cheapest option the apple watch se whilst not technically part of the apple watch series 6 family it was released around the same time and will likely be an option many of you are considering so what's the difference between the apple watch series 6 and the se version well first and foremost you can wave goodbye to sp02 monitoring on the se version the se version also uses the s5 system whilst the series 6 uses the s6 which is a fair bit faster that being said the s5 system is still twice as fast as a 2017 apple watch series 3 watch so not slow by any means one other feature you'll miss out on is the ecg feature that's exclusively on the apple watch series six so the se is really your budget option here still absolutely fine in my opinion though if you're relatively healthy anyway you most likely won't use the ecg feature but you may miss the sp02 monitoring feature if i'm honest but yes the apple watch se does have the green light for me in 2021 now we have the gps and the gps plus lte models so the models with lte at the end mean they can be used on their own as a cellular device as i mentioned earlier allowing you to make and receive calls without the need for your smartphone around these are typically more expensive though so really think about whether this is a feature you're really going to need gps version can still make and receive calls but you must be near your phone lastly there is just a size which is pretty obvious but if you do opt for the larger version there will be another price increase personally i think most of you will be fine with the smaller version and i'd honestly just go for the gps version most of us have our phones on us all the time anyway so it wouldn't make much of a difference people who might want to opt for the larger 44 millimeter version and the lte version are those of you who like your sport so cycling and running and doing a lot of things when you're quite far away from the house and don't really want to lug your phone around with you so yeah that was a quick revisit and buying guide i guess for the apple watch series 6 in 2021 one last note i do expect there to be a newer model later on in the year the apple watch series 7. However with the feature set on the apple watch series 6 i can't see it becoming useless anytime soon so i wouldn't let that stop you from buying one if you did want to wait until september time for the newer model make sure you still consider the apple watch series 6 as the price will most likely drop a little making it an even more excellent value buy if you do want to check the prices there will be links down in the description for a few different countries anyway guys let me know down in the comment section your thoughts on the apple watch series 6 in 2021 and if there's anything else i can help you with i'll try and do my best but for now thank you so much for watching and hopefully i'll see you in the next one Read the full article

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carolynlucy · 3 years

Text

A Year of Snacks

Life has changed quite a bit over the last year. Most of us are finally starting to get our COVID vaccine, but still working from home… and have been undertaking snacking like it’s our job. (Am I the only one that has gotten to 7pm and realized I didn’t eaten anything but snacks all day?)

I’m a firm believer that food is both healing as well as fuel for our bodies. So, whenever I’m a few days into snacking constantly on chips and crackers, my body starts feeling off. That being said, I’ve started going out of my way to provide myself with snacks that are on the healthy side, readily available, or are easy enough to make while I both work and homeschool lil ObiD.

I know that many people are also very busy throughout the day, so it’s nice to have snacks that are easy to grab or quick to make. Here are a few things that I’ve been fond of throughout this last year. I hope they sufficiently quell your appetite!

Trader Joe’s Snacks

For your sake, I hope you have a Trader Joe’s in your town. There are many reasons to love a Trader Joe’s. They source fantastic products and sell them for affordable prices in their neighborhood-vibe stores. And there is a huge variety of things for a small store - there is nothing worse than going to a particular store for something, and they don’t carry it. Trader Joe’s has everything I need, and I love discovering new things that they bring in! We’ve also found some of our favorite snacks here, so enjoy!

We love tortilla chips around our house. It’s not the healthiest snack in the world, but hands DOWN these are the best chips out there. They have the slightest hint of lime, they are perfectly salted, and they are gluten free! I kid you not, I seriously would want to eat these chips over other restaurant chips… It’s perfect to pair with any salsa we’ve tried, both homemade and store bought.

On the flip side, I’ve tried to find plantain chips because I like to imagine that they are healthier than actual regular chips (I’m sure they are healthier to a certain degree). These plantain chips are great, although I’ll admit my favorite ones you can get at HEB. But for the stripped down, yet still delicious plantain chips, I would say these are top notch.

Now you may not consider a banana and almond butter smoothie a snack, and to be honest, I usually have it for breakfast. BUT, this smoothie is delicious and filling, something to take on the go. Several times have I tucked one of these in my bag as I leave the house, hoping that I won’t suddenly get hungry while out and about, but knowing that if I do, I have a little power-up at my side.

A friend had brought dried mango slices over at one point, and they were the most delicious, healthy snack. It took me awhile to find one that had no sugar and was still tasty, but these Trader Joe’s mango slices are the ones that tasted the best! Plus, they are pretty filling, so I keep a bag of these in my purse in case I get hungry while out running around.

Last but certainly not least, I got these coconut chips to try out in my search for healthier snacks. If you don’t like coconut, you will not like these, but I love coconut and these chips were great. I’ll admit, this was not a replacement for chips, but they were pretty meaty in their own way. Definitely give them a try!

Thrive Market Snacks

We recently signed up for Thrive Market, because we wanted healthier snacks for us, and also to trick Obi into snacking healthier as well. He’s a snack fiend. Now granted, I am still exploring their expansive menu, so this will be an incomplete list, but I have found a few things that were so tasty and healthy, that they were instant reorders.

I don’t know what it is about these veggie sticks, but the texture of them is so much more substantial than the veggie sticks that we used to get from the store. I couldn’t tell much difference in taste, to be honest, but they are great, cooked in coconut oil and completely gluten free.

Here is what I personally think will be an unpopular statement: I don’t really like pretzels. I have tried and tried for years to eat them (because I love salt), and they just make my mouth dry and… overall, it’s just not a fun experience. I’ve discovered recently that it’s because I’m not a fan, so I shouldn’t try anymore.

However, I ordered these for shits and giggles (and to force my child to eat some form of vegetable) and by far, these are the best pretzels I have ever had. They are gluten free, and there are so many great ingredients in them, from cauliflower and cassava to spinach and broccoli and many others.

Highly recommend these, whether or not you are a pretzel fan.

Anything that has “rosemary” and “sea salt” in the ingredients list can just take my money without any further discussion. Rosemary is my favorite herb to attempt to sneak in to absolutely anything, and as for salt… there is never enough salt on anything until I’ve salted it. So these were absolutely going into my shopping cart immediately. And they do not disappoint. The one point that I will make here is that you really need to like salt. These crackers do verge right on the border of too salty, even for me… But I still recommend.

Homemade Snacks

Alright, I will admit—artichokes are not for everyone. This is more of a nostalgic snack for me. I grew up with my mom making these for snacks, and bought a few again during quarantine and cannot get over them. It does take some time for it to be ready to eat, but it’s not labor intensive at all.

All that is needed for the artichoke is to boil some water in a steaming pot. Once it’s boiling, put the artichoke into the steaming basket and lower the heat on the stove to medium-high and cover it. I’ve left it for around 40 minutes, but the real test will be to take it out with some tongs, grab a leaf from the artichoke and see if the “meat” easily slides off or if it’s still tough. If it’s still tough, pop it back in the pot and let it steam for a good while longer, checking it every 15 minutes.

My mom always served it with her apple cider vinegar salad dressing.

Super simple to eat: You take the leaves off one by one, dip the bottom of the leaf into the salad dressing, and eat the meat off the bottom of the leaf. Once you have done this with each leaf, then you’ll reach the meat in the heart of the artichoke. You’ll want to carefully remove all the spiky things (technical term) on top of artichoke heart, but once you’ve done this, I like to take the heart and mash it up inside the leftover dressing. It’s the perfect way to finish eating the artichoke.

Some other quick and easy things to make for snacks:

Cucumbers, lime juice, and Tajin

Apple slices and peanut butter

Bell pepper slices with TJ’s garlic spread dip

Tomato slices with lemon pepper

What have y’all been snacking on recently? Let me know in the comments below!

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marjorieevans92 · 4 years

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Quick Home Remedy For Bacterial Vaginosis Jolting Tips

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#Quick Home Remedy For Bacterial Vaginosis Jolting Tips #Natural Bacterial Vaginosis Cure

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tak4hir0 · 4 years

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One of my favorite insights on the subject of online community is from Tom Chick: Here is something I've never articulated because I thought, perhaps naively, it was understood: The priority for participating on this forum is not the quality of the content. I ultimately don't care how smart or funny or observant you are. Those are plusses, but they're never prerequisites. The priority is on how you treat each other. I expect spats, arguments, occasional insults, and even inevitable grudges. We've all done that. But in the end, I expect you to act like a group of friends who care about each other, no matter how dumb some of us might be, no matter what political opinions some of us hold, no matter what games some of us like or dislike. This community is small enough, intimate enough, that I feel it's a reasonable expectation. Indeed, disagreement and arguments are inevitable and even healthy parts of any community. The difference between a sane community and a terrifying warzone is the degree to which disagreement is pursued in the community, gated by the level of respect community members have for each other. In other words, if a fight is important to you, fight nasty. If that means lying, lie. If that means insults, insult. If that means silencing people, silence. I may be a fan of the smackdown learning model and kayfabe, but I am definitely not a fan of fighting nasty. I expect you to act like a group of friends who care about each other, no matter how dumb some of us might be, no matter what political opinions some of us hold, no matter what games some of us like or dislike. There's a word for this: empathy. One of the first things I learned when I began researching discussion platforms two years ago is the importance of empathy as the fundamental basis of all stable long term communities. The goal of discussion software shouldn't be to teach you how to click the reply button, and how to make bold text, but how to engage in civilized online discussion with other human beings without that discussion inevitably breaking down into the collective howling of wolves. That's what the discussion software should be teaching you: Empathy. You. Me. Us. We can all occasionally use a gentle reminder that there is a real human being on the other side of our screen, a person remarkably like us. I've been immersed in the world of social discussion for two years now, and I keep going back to the well of empathy, time and time again. The first thing we did was start with a solid set of community guidelines on civilized discussion, and I'm proud to say that we ship and prominently feature those guidelines with every copy of Discourse. They are bedrock. But these guidelines only work to the extent that they are understood, and the community helps enforce them. In Your Community Door, I described the danger of allowing cruel and hateful behavior in your community – behavior so obviously corrosive that it should never be tolerated in any quantity. If your community isn't capable of regularly exorcising the most toxic content, and the people responsible for that kind of content, it's in trouble. Those rare bad apples are group poison. Hate is easy to recognize. Cruelty is easy to recognize. You do not tolerate these in your community, full stop. But what about behavior that isn't so obviously corrosive? What about behavior patterns that seem sort of vaguely negative, but … nobody can show you exactly how this behavior is directly hurting anyone? What am I talking about? Take a look at the Flamewarriors Online Discussion Archetypes, a bunch of discussion behaviors that never quite run afoul of the rules, per se, but result in discussions that degenerate, go in circles, or make people not want to be around them. What we're getting into is shades of grey, the really difficult part of community moderation. I've been working on Discourse long enough to identify some subtle dark patterns of community discussion that – while nowhere near as dangerous as hate and cruelty – are still harmful enough to the overall empathy level of a community that they should be actively recognized when they emerge, and interventions staged. 1. Endless Contrarianism Disagreement is fine, even expected, provided people can disagree in an agreeable way. But when someone joins your community for the sole purpose of disagreeing, that's Endless Contrarianism. Example: As an athiest, Edward shows up on a religion discussion area to educate everyone there about the futility of religion. Is that really the purpose of the community? Does anyone in the community expect to defend the very concept of religion while participating there? If all a community member can seem to contribute is endlessly pointing out how wrong everyone else is, and how everything about this community is headed in the wrong direction �� that's not building constructive discussion – or the community. Edward is just arguing for the sake of argument. Take it to debate school. 2. Axe-Grinding Part of what makes discussion fun is that it's flexible; a variety of topics will be discussed, and those discussions may naturally meander a bit within the context defined by the site and whatever categories of discussion are allowed there. Axe-Grinding is when a user keeps constantly gravitating back to the same pet issue or theme for weeks or months on end. Example: Sara finds any opportunity to trigger up a GMO debate, no matter what the actual topic is. Viewing Sara's post history, GMO and Monsanto are constant, repeated themes in any context. Sara's negative review of a movie will mention eating GMO popcorn, because it's not really about the movie – it's always about her pet issue. This kind of inflexible, overbearing single-issue focus tends to drag discussion into strange, unwanted directions, and rapidly becomes tiresome to other participants who have probably heard everything this person has to say on that topic multiple times already. Either Sara needs to let that topic go, or she needs to find a dedicated place (e.g. GMO discussion areas) where others want to discuss it as much as she does, and take it there. 3. Griefing VIDEO In discussion, griefing is when someone goes out of their way to bait a particular person for weeks or months on end. By that I mean they pointedly follow them around, choosing to engage on whatever topic that person appears in, and needle the other person in any way they can, but always strictly by the book and not in violation of any rules… technically. Example: Whenever Joe sees George in a discussion topic, Joe now pops in to represent the opposing position, or point out flaws in George's reasoning. Joe also takes any opportunity to remind people of previous mistakes George made, or times when George was rude. When the discussion becomes more about the person than the topic, you're in deep trouble. It's not supposed to be about the participants, but the topic at hand. When griefing occurs, the discussion becomes a stage for personal conflict rather than a way to honestly explore topics and have an entertaining discussion. Ideally the root of the conflict between Joe and George can be addressed and resolved, or Joe can be encouraged to move on and leave the conflict behind. Otherwise, one of these users needs to find another place to go. 4. Persistent Negativity Nobody expects discussions to be all sweetness and light, but neverending vitriol and negativity are giant wet blankets. It's hard to enjoy anything when someone's constantly reminding you how terrible the world is. Persistent negativity is when someone's negative contributions to the discussion far outweigh their positive contributions. Example: Even long after the game shipped, Fred mentions that the game took far too long to ship, and that it shipped with bugs. He paid a lot of money for this game, and feels he didn't get the enjoyment from the game that was promised for the price. He warns people away from buying expansions because this game has a bad track record and will probably fail. Nobody will be playing it online soon because of all the problems, so why bother even trying? Wherever topics happen to go, Fred is there to tell everyone this game is worse than they knew. If Fred doesn't have anything positive to contribute, what exactly is the purpose of his participation in that community? What does he hope to achieve? Criticism is welcome, but that shouldn't be the sum total of everything Fred contributes, and he should be reasonably constructive in his criticism. People join communities to build things and celebrate the enjoyment of those things, not have other people dump all over it and constantly describe how much they suck and disappoint them. If there isn't any silver lining in Fred's cloud, and he can't be encouraged to find one, he should be asked to find other places to haunt. 5. Ranting Discussions are social, and thus emotional. You should feel something. But prolonged, extreme appeal to emotion is fatiguing and incites arguments. Nobody wants to join a dry, technical session at the Harvard Debate Club, because that'd be boring, but there is a big difference between a persuasive post and a straight-up rant. Example: Holly posts at the extremes – either something is the worst thing that ever happened, or the best thing that ever happened. She will post 6 to 10 times in a topic and state her position as forcefully as possible, for as long and as loud as it takes, to as many individual people in the discussion as it takes, to get her point across. The stronger the language in the post, the better she likes it. If Holly can't make her point in a reasonable way in one post and a followup, perhaps she should rethink her approach. Yelling at people, turning the volume to 11, and describing the situation in the most emotional, extreme terms possible to elicit a response – unless this really is the worst or best thing to happen in years – is a bit like yelling fire in a crowded theater. It's irresponsible. Either tone it down, or take it somewhere that everyone talks that way. 6. Grudges In any discussion, there is a general expectation that everyone there is participating in good faith – that they have an open mind, no particular agenda, and no bias against the participants or the topic. While short term disagreement is fine, it's important that the people in your community have the ability to reset and approach each new topic with a clean(ish) slate. When you don't do that, when people carry ill will from previous discussions toward the participants or topic into new discussions, that's a grudge. Example: Tad strongly disagrees with a decision the community made about not creating a new category to house some discussion he finds problematic. So he now views the other leaders in the community, and the moderators, with great distrust. Tad feels like the community has turned on him, and so he has soured on the community. But he has too much invested here to leave, so Tad now likes to point out all the consequences of this "bad" decision often, and cite it as an example of how the community is going wrong. He also follows another moderator, Steve, around because he views him as the ringleader of the original decision, and continually writes long, critical replies to his posts. Grudges can easily lead to every other dark community pattern on this list. I cannot emphasize enough how important it is to recognize grudges when they emerge so the community can intervene and point out what's happening, and all the negative consequences of a grudge. It's important in the broadest general life sense not to hold grudges; as the famous quote goes (as near as I can tell, attributed to Alcoholics Anonymous) Holding a grudge is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die. So your community should be educating itself about the danger of grudges, the root of so many other community problems. But it is critically important that moderators never, and I mean never ever, hold grudges. That'd be disastrous. What can you do? I made a joke in the title of this post about weaponizing empathy. I'm not sure that's even possible. But you can start by having clear community guidelines, teaching your community to close the door on overt hate, and watching out for any overall empathy erosion caused by the six dark community behavior patterns I outlined above. At the risk of sounding aspirational, here's one thing I know to be true, and I advise every community to take to heart: I expect you to act like a group of friends who care about each other, no matter how dumb some of us might be, no matter what political opinions some of us hold, no matter what things some of us like or dislike.

#Coding Horror

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modernart2012 · 6 years

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Green Thumb

for @unnaturalalien

on AO3

Otabek has a green thumb. It gets him into trouble.

The first (second, on a technicality) time Otabek meets Yuri, he goes back to Almaty and plants gladioli bulbs deep in the ground. It will take time for them to grow, because it is still winter and the ground is hard, and Otabek is sure he should have put them in a planter then the green house. But. They are swords for a soldier, and they will struggle but survive and thrive, or not.

“Gladiolus?” His mother asks incredulous when the flowers pierce through the soil come spring. Otabek hums noncommittally at the green spears poking through. Then he leaves his mother puzzling and goes to practice.

The gladioli have grown to their full height and bloomed an array of colors when Otabek is again moved to plant something. Or somethings. The only bulbs he could find were alstroemeria and yellow tulips, but they would bring a bright pop of color to the garden, but they are unapologetic in their cheerful color.

He doesn’t get much of a chance to do more than stick them in the ground before Yuri’s flying in - ostensibly, because his flexibility has failed to go to shit even though he’s hit a growth spurt that puts him above Otabek in height, and Yakov’s freaked himself out into arrhythmia, so off Yuri goes to Otabek’s coach for a bit. “Yakov doesn’t believe in the power of yoga,” is what Yuri scathingly informs Otabek of when he steps out of the airport. Otabek nods, because that’s as good a reason as any, especially for as storied a coach as Yakov, and how set in his ways he reportedly is. Though why to Otabek’s coach is anyone’s guess, up until Minami comes in chattering like a particularly cheerful and/or excited chicken. The shock of red in his hair doesn’t help the impression.

His coach tells him, in poor if passable Russian, “I know you told me you were going to get me a rooster, but I didn’t think you’d seriously do it.” If Otabek didn’t know the context - his coach has been complaining about her recent addiction to eggs causing her grocer concern - Otabek’d be making the same face as Yuri, who would later take him aside and inform him that if his coach has trouble waking up in the morning, maybe he should get a better coach? It takes some hurried explaining that his coach, in attempting to not stick out like a foreign Canadian thumb, has taken up learning Russian. And also probably forgot the word for chicken.

The face Yuri makes then - awkward horror coupled with pity, eyes wide and green - is one Otabek will cherish forever. Mostly because he laughs so hard he has to take a moment to remember how to breathe right.

That has nothing at all to do why he goes and buys a planter and pushes in tiny seeds of marjoram, green like meadows.

The marjoram makes for tasty western-style chicken, and quells the ache in Otabek’s chest that is not homesickness, for all that it feels the same as when he longed for Almaty.

Or as Yuri so helpfully puts it, the next time they meet, “Oh no, you’re a foodie.” Then spams him links about western herbs after Otabek beats him - a bad collision in the Free Skate warm up had left Yuri concussed and barred from performing. Yuri had understood and conceded with something like dignity to the ISU official, even if he raged about it privately between waves of headache. He’s glassy eyed and stormy, like the moss in Canada, but Otabek will never tell Yuri that.

This means there’s only one thing to do. Otabek stares down Viktor - predictably going pure healthy in the grocery store and giving no thought to flavor, no you cannot make protein drinks for every meal - until Katsuki digs out Viktors wallet (and doesn’t that say something, that Katsuki holds his fiance’s wallet) and hands it over. Otabek buys sorrel, savory, thyme, tarragon, and sage as fresh as he can get them, then buys the seeds too - maybe one of those greens will be closer to the right green; the marjoram is too green and not enough tinges of sky blue to suffice.

Then he makes dinner, because Yuri’s kitchen is off limits to Yuri as long as he’s concussed.

The chicken takes the flavors well, but perhaps it would work better on something like pork? They discuss the idea at length, with Yuri baldly claiming it would work best in pirozhki. Because fried foods are a good idea to eat for an athlete.

After, when Otabek is home, he pushes the seeds into the same planter as the marjoram. Then, upon further reflection, horehound and goldenrod, to balance the sudden infestation of green. Herbs are tasty.

Otabek knows his mother is quietly judging him. His father just believes he’s taking an interest in a hobby, and keeps passing him horticulture books discreetly. If blatantly passing books across the breakfast table can be called discreet.

Still, it is tacit approval if anything, so Otabek uses it as permission to completely take over the garden. He’s always wanted apple trees, and the peach tree and cherry trees are more for beauty than function. He’s smuggled a blackberry bush over by the pond, and far more flowers than should be reasonably put in a garden. Sure they don’t need azaleas burning red-pink in definiance - they’re fucking delicate to grow - but they’re pretty and all the Aunties are jealous.

Yuri FaceTime’s to see the garden, hearing from Seung-gil through JJ that the garden is absolutely out of control. Otabek is planting larkspur, in thin long spears of blue and purple and pink. “Come to the gate, asshole. Let me in.” The background had seemed suspiciously familiar, but they FaceTime regularly, it’s not a huge thing for a place to seem familiar.

Yuri’s in the garden almost immediately, “Holy shit. How many plants do you have in here.”

Otabek looks away and tries not to think about the actual count. Its... larger than anyone would actually want to think about.

Yuri spends a good portion of his illicit break - “I caught Viktor and Piggie,” being the most he says on the subject, leaving Otabek and his mother to fill in the blanks with (respectively) furrowed brows and pinched lips - in the garden, taking photos, and complaining about being bored whenever he’s not at practice or napping.

Otabek’s mother gifts him a book on flowers when Yuri leaves. Otabek doesn’t know what to make of that, but gifts Yuri a forget-me-not in a pot. He had too many plants anyways.

“Dude. How do you pick the flowers you plant.” The question comes out of nowhere, and ambushed Otabek blurts out the first thing that comes to mind.

“They remind me of you.” The he freezes, because he’s never meant to tell Yuri that in such transparent terms, and flees to ice for his Short Program.

Most people would think it’d be hard to run away from someone in the staging area of an ice skating rink. They’d be wrong. Otabek isn’t the largest person ever, so slinking around in a crowd without being noticed is something he can do easily. Granted, it only works around the people who don’t know him, and out of his costume and sports suit, but it works.

He’s nearly completely out of the complex when he gets beaned in the back of the head with something that makes a soft swooothump upon contact. Otabek still stumbles, and is about to yell at whoever threw the whatever at him, when he notices what they are. Forsythia, gardenia, and sunflowers. An odd bouquet, a mishmash of colors and types of flowers that can only mean it was a specialty bouquet someone had made specifically. It’s the first time Otabek has gotten such a bouquet, though more popular skaters like Viktor probably get their fair share. Otabek takes it, because it’s probably from a shy fan and while he’d certainly have preferred not to be hit with it, it’s still nice to get a bouquet like this. “Thank you,” he calls down the empty corridor behind him.

His mother falters when she sees the bouquet. She nearly drops her favorite teapot and trips over the family cat, then keeps sending him concerned glances for the rest of the night. Otabek has no idea why, though his father just pats him on the back and congratulates him. On what, he’s not sure. Hopefully the medal; if not then the strawberries. It’s a little late in the season, but maybe they fruited while Otabek was away?

Otabek ignores it in favor of preparing for the next season. It’s almost the Olympics and he wants to go and represent Kazakhstan.

Except his older sister comes home. She’s technically an international consultant and always in foreign places, so her being home is something of an event. She takes one look at the garden, at his bouquet flourishing in it’s vase, then drags him off by the ear.

They go to a bar on their bikes, and she buys a round of beers. “So, who’s the special someone?” Otabek calmly finishes his mouthful of beer and then stares his sister down. She raises a single eyebrow and stares back. They both take after their mother like this, to their father’s eternal humor.

This goes on for a bit, until his sister breaks. “Do you not know?” She gestures at him to not speak when he opens his mouth. “All your flowers and plants - they’re all pretty telling. Friendship, happiness, adoration, joy? Ardent attachment? And those one’s in the vase? All tell of someone who liiiiikes you.” She grins and Otabek freezes.

“The last one was a fan bouquet.”

She waves it off, “Fine, that one’s out. But the rest?” Her grin is deadly, and Otabek knows better than to cross that grin. But he doesn’t really want to respond, and that might be worse?

“Oi, hag, back off.” Yuri yanks out a chair, spins it around, and sits on it backwards. How or why he’s here is certainly in question, but Otabek isn’t going to question someone saving him.

“Yura, this is my older sister.” His sister waves in cheerful greeting.

Yuri sizes her up. Then dismisses her, and Otabek will weep at Yuri’s grave. “Did you like the flowers?” Yuri asks apropos of nothing. His sister spits out her beer, Otabek is sweating bullets.

“Did you throw them at me?” His sister’s shoulders are shaking. This is not helping.

Yuri shrugs. “I was in a rush. Did you like them?” He crosses his arms over the back of the chair, eyes sparkling. “I used the book your mom gave me to look up their meanings.”

Otabek swallows thickly. “They are lovely.” It’s the truth. His sister is dying. He prays for swift mercy.

Someone in Heaven must be listening, because Yuri’s phone rings. He answers it angrily. “What? You’re shitting me. That fucking asshole. You tell him to turn right the fuck back around -,” Yuri looks up and his eyes are storms. “Fuck you, I’ll be right there.” The to the world at large. “I’ll be around later - there’s an asshole I need to murder.”

He leaves in a storm of punk. His sister leans over the table and murmurs sotto voce. “You certainly can pick them, Otabek.” Then she goes back to giggling.

Otabek likes to think he knows himself well. Daily meditation and yoga are supposedly good for that sort of thing, and he’s prone to self-introspection anyways. He leaves his sister and goes home, steals his mother’s favorite flower book and carefully looks up each and every plant he’s planted. While he’s been picking for color all this time - the colors that look like Yuri, or something that reminds Otabek of Yuri - the meanings of each are damning too. He’s knowingly and unknowingly declared himself to anyone who’s cared to look, and he feels exposed. That Yuri knows too...

But something his sister says sticks to him. He goes back in and carefully pages to the right flowers. Forsythia, gardenia, sunflower. Oh.

Thankfully, his parents are out and his sister has informed him she’s going out with old friends while she’s in town and not to wait up for her. It means there’s a lack of audience, which is good and bad. Good because the fewer witnesses the better, but bad, because he doesn’t know what to do with this information. It’s not wrong, really, but it’s also - something fragile and new to him, something he wants to curl around and be firm in before he lets it go into the universe.

He doesn’t have long to decide, as someone rings the doorbell impatiently. Probably Yuri then. Otabek lets him in. “Sorry about that,” Yuri apologizes brusquely. “Old man was giving me shit.” Meaning Viktor most likely. Otabek nods sympathetically.

Yuri grins, lightning bright. “So you did like my flowers!” The vase is still out, and the book still open. Otabek hopes he doesn’t look guilty. “You know, it figures you’d use something other than words to tell people how you feel. A whole garden is a bit much though.”

Otabek busies himself with making tea. A whole garden isn’t much when you consider other people they know. Viktor and Yuuri Katsuki come to mind immediately, but so do JJ and Isabella. Perhaps the whole of ice skating needs to be written off as a wash overall? “The plants remind me of you,” he says uselessly. It’s not new information, technically, but it feels right to say.

Yuri is startled, eyes wide. “Oh.” A beat, then, “I don’t know how to take that.”

Otabek sighs, “Me neither.” Something twists across Yuri’s face, shock, anger, acceptance, despair. “But. I like it. And I like you.”

The tea kettle whistles in the silence.

Yuri hunches over, strange in his too thin too tall frame to be stooped over like a sleeping bird. When he looks up, his face is clear. “I like you too.” An admission, but another thing already known only waiting to be put to words.

Which makes things easier and more difficult. “Perhaps, maybe.” He falters.

Thin hands clasp his. “Selfies in the garden you grew for me?” Mischief abounds, and maybe the marjoram was green enough. “Then, you, me, and Breath of the Wild?” As Otabek is lead out, “That should be fine as a date right?”

Otabek nods just once, even though Yuri can’t possibly see, and the answering squeeze of his hand is enough.

#otayuri #yuribek #otabek altin #yrui plisetsky #otabek has a green thumb #its cute #art writes #i don't feel liek double typing all the flower meanings #go check the AO3 for those

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