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#teenage mutant ninja turtles
Leo: What are you talking about?! Me and Donnie are nothing alike!
Raph: You were born on the same day.
Leo: Okay, but-
Raph: You both think ur the hottest thing in the room, you both think it's okay to steal other peoples food, and you have matching fortnite onesies.
Leo:
Leo: In my defense, they were on sale.
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(Let me preface this review by stating that I am not a diehard fan of TMNT. I have never seen any of the TV shows however I have seen all 3 movies from the 90s and the reboot and sequel. I am aware of the Turtles’ origin story and their roles as heroes, but this movie was… I had problems with it. If you are a die hard fan of TMNT, please, do not DM me about how wrong I am, this review is a personal opinion. Thank you)

(Also *spoilers* (duh))

Let’s start with the CGI

It’s bad. 

Not bad as in “early 90s movie experimenting” bad, but bad as in “What are supposed to look like turtles actually look like the Mucus guy from  the Mucinex commercials cosplaying as a teenage mutant ninja turtle”. 

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See the resemblance? Disgusting. 

I don’t know if the CGI artists have ever seen a turtle before in their lives, but that is not at ALL what they look like. The turtles in this movie are box turtles. This is what a box turtle looks like: 

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Not this:

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The face is definitely the worst part. That is not at ALL what a turtle face looks like. This ugly green motherfucker has more in common looks-wise with Shrek than he does a real turtle. 

Also, what’s with directors in Hollywood taking normally lighthearted and fun, cheery, properties and trying to make them “dark” and “gritty”? I was confused the whole time of if this was a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles movie or The Dark Knight. 

Now let’s talk about the characters!

Protagonist

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Megan Fox as April O’Neil was quality, I appreciate how she wasn’t made out to be the eye-candy the entire movie like she was in Transformers. Also, that yellow jacket is fucking killer. Angelic and intelligent. Only problem is how she didn’t seem to remember Project Renaissance, which took place when she was around 7-10 or so, but it’s probably because the event of losing her father was too traumatic for her and she blocked all memories related to the Project, idk. But she definitely didn’t recognize the turtles because they look absolutely NOTHING like their box turtle counterparts. Are we even sure they’re supposed to be box turtles?

Sidekick?

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To be completely honest I legit thought Will Arnett was supposed to be playing Casey Jones and I was like, “sick, that’s great” and then I realized that he was not Casey Jones. He plays Vernon Fenwick, April’s mildly creepy camera man who apparently knows how to drive a tractor-trailer truck? I’m honestly more interested in Will Arnett’s character’s backstory than the turtles. 

Villain

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Literally as soon as this guy came on screen I thought, “Ah, yes. He’s the villain.” (And let me remind you, I had NOT seen this movie before, this was my first time (I had seen the sequel, but I don’t think Eric Sacks shows up in it at all? Can’t remember))

A good villain is not a villain that I can pick out in their first minute of screen time, especially in a movie where there’s supposed to be a twist villain, like Mr. Sacks here. Also let’s talk about the name “Sacks”. I thought his name was “Sax”, y’know, like “saxophone” and I thought, “damn that’s pretty slick” but no. His name is “Sacks”, like “potato sack” or “hacky sack” or “ball— 

I’m not gonna finish that last thought. 

Definitely another villain 

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Words cannot express how much I despise this rat. Yeah, he’s the single father of four boys but that literally gives him no excuse for how he punishes them in varyingly torturous ways??? If the turtles leave the sewer then he puts them in a room where he has them balance and do shit in order to get them to confess to what they were doing like??? “Strict with discipline” yeah alright. But I guess I can’t blame him because if my adopted sons looked like *THAT* I would not want anyone else to see them. 

maybe I’m just like a little snowflake or some shit idk, but I really don’t like Splinter’s parenting methods… or his look. Those disgusting little beady eyes… they stare right into my soul…

Now I understand why Shredder killed him. 

Other Villain

Honestly I really don’t want to talk about Shredder because he’s literally the same in every single movie, he’s like, “God, I fucking hate turtles, especially teenage mutant ninja turtles. I think I’m gonna kidnap and torture and/or kill their Master Splinter because I fucking hate TMNT so much. And then, when they come to battle me I will kill them and take over the world because the only beings that can stop me are four teenaged turtle brothers suffering from a pizza addiction who like to practice Ninjiutsu. The cops and the feds can’t touch me. My downfall are turtles.” 

What TMNT movie/TV show did I just describe? If you said, “Literally all of them, the fuck?” then you’re correct!! Shredder is a crappy villain (in my personal opinion) and I hate him a little more than I hate Splinter and the turtles. Speaking of turtles… 

The Boy Band

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From left to right you have:

Brawn

Brains

Leader

and Village Idiot

Those are literally their only personality traits. It’s sad. Those are their specialties, they shouldn’t be their only personality traits. Especially for Mikey. While he is normally the goofy one, all brothers take turns being the comedic relief in the original movies (and I’m assuming the TV shows as well). In this movie, Mikey is reduced to only comedy relief, and doesn’t really play much of a role in this movie. In fact, one could argue the movie would be just fine without him considering he does practically nothing but make bad jokes and eat pizza the whole time. The TMNT are a group of four brothers who work together to defeat bad guys, key word is together. Each of them are as equally important as the other. This movie obviously didn’t get the message, as it’s too focused on it’s dumbass plot, which is my next point. 

The Plot (or like, the lack thereof of a coherent one?)

I have literally no idea what the plot was. What I’ve gathered is that:

  1. The Foot and Shredder were working with Sacks, or Sacks was working with the Foot and Shredder because Shredder works for no man (or woman. Shredder doesn’t care your gender, he will not work for you).
  2. Sacks wanted to release a toxin into New York so he could sell the antidote for lots of money? (See also: A majority of disease conspiracies)
  3. And Shredder is working with Sacks… for some reason? 
  4. Wait no Shredder is working with Sacks to get the turtles so they can harvest their blood to use in the antidotes for the toxin because their blood contains the ooze or something. 
  5. Why couldn’t they just use Splinter’s blood after they killed him, that woulda been way easier but whatever. 
  6. All I really know is that the turtles fight Shredder on top of a really tall tower in New York and they almost die.
  7. Oh also April has a side plot where she’s trying to prove the turtles exist because no one believes she saw giant, teenage, mutant, ninja turtles beating up members of the Foot Clan (and rightly so).
  8. That’s all I’ve got. 

I need everyone to know that the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles are a parody of Daredevil, and that the “ooze” that turned the TMNT into the TMNT was the same ooze that gave Daredevil his abilities, and also that the “Foot Clan” is a direct parody of “The Hand”, the group that Daredevil battles.

Overall, this movie gets like a 5/10 stars for me because of the misuse of the song “Happy Together” which Mikey sings to April at the end in a scene which I wish didn’t exist. But it also gets a 5/10 because I loved Megan Fox and Will Arnett in this movie, I think they did their best but alas, they were in a live-action Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles movie. 

Also the TMNT rap song at the end was… the crowning piece on a movie I can only describe as “O.o ???? Wat?” 

Thank you for taking the time to read my review, hopefully I entertained you enough. New review coming soon. 

- Syd

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Requested by @nesting-dreams

Raph 2012

+ Raph and Y/N have only been dating for about a month but have been friends for longer. After a successful patrol one night, Y/N comes to the lair to find Raph irritated. He rants and old feelings resurface in Y/N’s head. Raph notices and grows concerns. She tells about her past and childhood to not only him but a few eavesdroppers too.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Y/N’s POV

I was out for a run when I heard yelling and the sounds of fighting. I came to a stop trying to pinpoint where the noises were coming from. They were coming from an ally across the street. I jogged across the street, avoiding passing cars. The ally went straight and right into a dead end. I peeked around the corner and saw the turtles fighting some Purple dragon thugs.

“Well, well, well.” I leant against the wall and watched as they fought. Once beaten and they realized they were done for, the thugs ran for the exit of the ally.

“Bye you suckers!” I heard Raph yell. They ran by me without a second glance. I watched as they exited the main ally, scurrying in different directions. I heard the guys cheering.

“They’re gone.” I called walking down towards them. “Tails between their legs all the way.”

“Babe! Did you see that? We kicked some major shell.” Raph strutted over and set his arm on my shoulder. I set mine on his shell and nodded.

“What are you doing here, Y/N?” Leo came walked up while placing his swords in their sheaths.

“I was out for a run when I heard commotion. Thought I would check it out.”

“Always walking to the danger. Why ya’ gotta do that babe.” Raph looked at me. I shrugged.

“I can handle myself. Remember? I held my own against you.” I smirked and poked his plastron.

“That’s not saying much though.” Leo joked. I chuckled and I saw Raph rolled his eyes. Mikey burst out laughing and I saw Donnie with an amused smiled.

“Oh whatever. Let’s get home, I worked up an appetite.” The others shouted in agreement. “You coming, Y/N?”

“I’m gonna finish my run but I’ll come by after.” I said. I pecked him on the lips before backing up. They nodded and climbed up the buildings. “See you guys later!”

“See ya babe!” I heard Raph yell over the rooftops. I shook my head chuckling and jogged back to the street to finish my run. After another 20 minutes, I went back to my apartment and took a shower. Grabbing a snack, I made my way down to the lair.

“lavender’s green, dilly dilly, lavender’s blue. When I am king dilly dilly, you shall be queen.” I sang quietly as I walked up to the turn-styles. I jumped over them and walked into an unusually quiet lair. “Guys?” I called out. “Anybody home?”

“Yeah.” Leo stepped out of the kitchen with his arms crossed. I saw a stern look on his face and sighed.

“Let me guess…you and Raph got into a fight.” I looked at him as he nodded. I scoffed and rolled my eyes. “What was it this time?”

“Oh the normal. Recklessness, bull headed, rude…”

“Over reacting. Over authoritative. Both of you being jerks?” I gave him a hard stare. He looked at me in shock before his face dropped. He dropped his arms and his shoulders drooped.

“He’s in his room.” He said softly. I could hear relent in his voice and smiled. I walked by patting his shoulder as I passed. I jogged to Raph’s room. I knocked and heard a few crashes before the door whipped open. Raph stood there seething.

“Babe.” He looked surprised and calmed down a bit. He opened and closed his mouth like a fish before standing aside. I walked in and sat down on the bed. He closed the door softly or at least tried too. “I guess you ran into Leo.”

“Yep. And I talked to him, saying a few, calm things of my own.” I kicked off my shoes and crossed my legs. Raph was standing in the middle of the room, trying to hold himself together. “Go ahead. Vent.”

“I just can’t with him. He always think he’s the boss of me in every situation. Even in stuff that has nothing to do with our ninja and fighting lives. Even my personal life!” He started to pace the floor. “I mean growing up with the prodigy Leo was hard enough but I also had the genius Donnie and charismatic Mikey. What does that leave me?”

“The daring Hunk?” I tried to lighten his mood.

“Yeah, right. Only to you babe. I mean my childhood was good and all. Good family, good home, and such. But my god they can be the most overbearing, idiotic, and nerdy bunch of brothers.” Childhood. That word struck a nerve. I looked down at my hands. “I sometimes wish I was an only child. It would make somethings so much easier.”

“I know how you feel.” I whispered. I saw his shadow freeze. The movement let me know he was turning toward me.

“What?” He said. I looked up at him. He blanched and surged forward. He placed a hand on my face and wiped his thumb across my cheek. “Why are you crying?”

“I know how you feel.” I said louder. I gave him a small smile. “I wish I was an only child to sometimes but my childhood wasn’t as good.”

“You have siblings? What do you mean not good?” He asked. I gulped and took a big breath.

“I grew up in a bad neighborhood. Gangs, drunks, pimps and hookers on every corner, you name it, they were there. My brother, he’s quite a few years older than me. Like he was in his teens when I was born.” I thought back. “He was a part of one of the worst gangs at the time. He and his friends. So by the time I got older he was into his adult life and basically was in charge. So the gang was around a lot.”

“What about your parents?” Raph sat next to me. He placed a hand over mine.

“My mom left after I was born. Something about not being able to raise another delinquent. My dad, well he was sick and couldn’t do much to stop my brother. He died after I turned 5.” I bit my lip. “I grew up on the streets.”

“How did you get where you are?” Raph asked. “You were living next door to April when we met you?”

“My brother got arrested and Child services came and picked me up when I was 10. The Wilsons are my foster family.” I shrugged. “They took me in and treated me like one of their own even if they aren’t home a lot. I wish I had the overbearing, idiotic, and nerdy bunch of brothers instead of the one I had. My life may have been different.”

“But you do.” I looked up at Raph confused. He smiled and wrapped an arm around me. “Leo, Donnie, and Mikey think of you as a sister. You may not have had them then but you have them now.” He reached up and wiped the tears away. I smiled. “And I’m glad I have them too.”

“I glad you understand. Even if it’s different situations.” I wrapped my arms around him. He hugged me back.

“I never knew that about you.” He whispered.

“Not even April knows. She just knows I had a difficult past.” I said before pulling away.

“I’m glad you told me.” He nuzzled my hair. He moved me around and set sideways in his lap before lazily placing his arms on my waist. “So that’s how my girl knows how to beat down.”

“Yep. One thing my brother did right. Taught me how to protect myself. I kept up with it even after moving away.” I said while getting comfortable and laying my head on his shoulder. I could feel my body relax. Raph set his head on top of mine and sighed.

“I’m bushed. Care for a nap?”

“Sure. I’m too comfortable to move anyway.” He chuckled but just held me tighter. I closed my eyes and relaxed into him.

Leo’s POV

The three of us stood at Raph’s door listening. I knew eavesdropping was wrong but we wanted to make sure they were alright. We had heard Raph start venting and wanted to make sure he didn’t take it out on Y/N, which we knew he would never do.

“Wow.” Donnie whispered.

“She’s one tough cookie.” Mikey said. We looked down at him on the floor. I nodded and quietly opened the door. Inside, Raph and Y/N sat sleeping.

“That would be an understatement my son.” We jumped and saw Master Splinter standing behind us. He smiled and looked beyond us. “They are a wondrous couple, aren’t they?”

“Yes they are sensei. She balances him out.” I said.

“Excuse me, my sons.” Master Splinter walked in and grabbed a blanket, draping it over the two. He quietly walked back and in the doorway. “Let us not disturb them and let them sleep. As for you three, to the dojo. You mustn’t eavesdrop on your brother and his girlfriend my sons.” We all groaned.

“We’re sorry Sensei.” I said before ushering Donnie and Mikey towards the dojo.

Y/N’s POV

I peeked as Master Splinter walked to the door. I quietly giggled as they groaned and left for the dojo. I lifted my head and looked at Sensei. He glanced over his shoulder at me. He smiled.

“Rest my dear.” He said. He grabbed the door knob. “Thank you for listening to Raph. He needed someone like you in his life. I’m glad you two can found and confine in each other.”

“You’re welcome Sensei. I’m glad I found him.” He nodded and went to leave but paused.

“How long did it take you to realize my sons were outside the door?”

“As soon as Mikey laid on the floor.” He chuckled.

“Goodnight my dear.”

“Goodnight Sensei.” I said as he turned off the light and closed the door. I laid my head back down, letting myself relax into sleep.

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