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a-120 · 2 months

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I am now in the headspace where if I don't know your tumblr I will go through your blog.

My trust has just dissapeared.

Never thought I'd experience this. This is the shit that I see in those video essays, can't believe I've actually kind of experienced it.

Its always like: "Oh, that's terrible! I hope that never happens to me. I hope those victims/people who were hurt/people who went through it get better and find peace!"

So it gets worse. It gets really worse. This wasn't exactly supposed to be a vent but it all went downhill.

I talk about suicide and self harm in this.

I hate how she was the one who really got me into Doors. I hate how she was the first person I considered a friend. I hate how that inside joke is ruined now. I hate how she got me familiar with so many things. I hate how I felt bad for her. I hate the fact that I thought I felt like I could relate to her medically. I hate the fact that she was the one who I went to for help. I hate how I asked her for help when I was suicidal. I hate how I relied on her. I hate that I have so many memories with her in them. I hate how I thought we were best friends. I hate how manipulative she is. I hate how she hurt so many people. I hate her

I HATE HER SHITTY APOLOGIES. I HATE HOW THE "APOLOGY" SHE GAVE ME WAS MASSIVE AND FILLED WITH LIES AND MANIPULATION TACTICS. I HATE HOW SHE TRIED TO GUILT TRIP US. I HATE HOW SHE FAKED THINGS THAT PEOPLE GENUINELY SUFFER FROM. I FUCKING HATE HER AND I JUST WANT TO FORGET EVERYTHING ABOUT HER.

SHE KNOWS IM SUICIDAL. SHE KNOWS THAT I HAVE HURT MYSELF, DOESNT SHE?! SHE JUST FUCKING LOVES TO MAKE EVERYTHING WORSE. EVER SINCE LAST YEAR, EVERYTHING HAS BEEN RUINED. HEART SURGERY, CUDA PASSING AWAY, HIGHSCHOOL, IRL FRIENDS THAT HURT ME, GETTING TOLD IM MATURE FOR MY AGE, WANTING TO FUCKING KILL MYSELF, LOSING MOTIVATION FOR EVERYTHING, LEARNING THE ONLY GOOD FRIENDS I HAVE ARE SUFFERING IN THEIR OWN WAYS AND ME WANTING TO HELP THEM BUT I CANT, AND NOW THIS?!

THATS ALL I COULD THINK OF! THERES PROBABLY MORE! I JUST WANT TO TEAR MYSELF APART AND KILL MYSELF BUT IM TOO FUCKING SCARED TO DIE. IF I DIDNT HAVE ALL OF THESE FEARS I CAN BET YOU ID BE GONE BY NOW.

I'm sorry that I have to rely on so many people in order to not lose it. I wish I didn't have to rely on everyone and make their day worse by bringing her up.

Just fucking leave us alone, selfish asshole.

This wasn't meant to be massive. It was just meant to be everything until I started saying how much I hate things.

I won't be killing myself any time soon. I can't do it because I know how many people would be devastated to see me gone. I had to experience my brother trying, and even though it wasn't successful, I'm still heartbroken from it. That was years ago, too.

Thank you to the people who have been helping me.

I will continue to help others and keep an eye out.

I will make sure people block her.

Just. Block. Her.

#tw//ivory ment #sorry for the massive vent #tell me if I should delete this #tw // sh #tw // suicide #tw #tw sui vent #tw sh #tw sh destructive behaviour #tw suicide #cw sui mention #cw sh #cw sh mention

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tinybitofhope · 7 months

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yo what do u think my irl name is

#is this dangerous?#im just curious lol #tell me if i should delete this

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saturncodedstarlette · 4 months

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Relationship dynamics w/ Gojo Satoru

[Responds slow as hell Satoru with Responds fast as hell S/O]

[Isn’t used to attention and compliments S/O with Satoru who overwhelms them with attention and compliments]

[The infamous golden retriever Satoru with Grumpy black cat S/O duo]

[“I can’t do this” S/O with “Yes, you can” Satoru]

[S/O who asks weird questions, Satoru would answers them anyways]

[“If I told you who I am, would you use it against me?” Satoru with “He tells me I’m pretty, don’t know how to respond” S/O]

[“Buggy!” s/o with “ah yes, a cicadellidae of the the Hemiptera orcler, also known as a leaf hopper—” Satoru]

[Sleeps a lot s/o (still tired) with lives on 1h of sleep Satoru (energetic) ]

[Really tall Satoru with stupid s/o]

[“shut the fuck up” s/o with “make me” Satoru]

[Satoru exists with s/o who’s obsessed with him] & vice versa

[Satoru that yapps with s/o who listens]

[silly Satoru with s/o who’s tired of his shit]

[Lazy s/o with lots of energy Satoru]

[Cat person Satoru with dog person s/o]

[say smth smart for once s/o with shocked Satoru]

[Cat person Gojo with cat personality s/o]

[filled with anxiety s/o with the calmest mf Gojo]

[“HELP WHY DO I LIKE U UGHH ILY SM TALK TO ME PLS ILY NOTICE ME YOU IDIOT—” s/o with an oblivious idiot Gojo]

[Loves gossiping & dramas Gojo with the s/o knows every latest tea]

[Normal human sneeze s/o with the dad sneeze Gojo]

[“haha” Gojo with “HAHAHAHA” s/o]

[the one who sends “u + me” pics s/o with automatically saves all of them Gojo]

[Nice to everyone s/o with menace to everyone (except you) Gojo]

[Silly Gojo with sillier s/o]

[lots of typos Gojo with s/o can read them fine]

[has big tits Gojo with s/o who likes big tits]

[always busy Gojo with s/o who has no life]

[always sleeping s/o with Gojo who waits for them to wake up]

[looks scary but actually silly s/o with looks silly but is dead inside Gojo]

#Jjk #jujutsu Kaisen #jujutsu Kaisen x reader #Gojo Satoru x reader #Gojo Satoru x you #Some are from TikTok and Pinterest #I can never be original and creative ✌️#Relationship dynamics #jjk gojo satoru x reader #Tell me if u think this is worth expanding or should I just delete the whole thing #Gojo Satoru fluff #Gojo Satoru #gojo satoru x y/n #Gojo satoru dynamics #My 2023 works

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bubbarnes · 2 years

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can we please talk about that thor is getting a tatto with loki' horns? no? okay.

#deleting this later #thor #thor odinson #thor love and thunder #marvel #mcu #loki #loki laufeyson #tw: flashing gif #tw: flash #tw flashing #don't know what i should tag pls tell me

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oifaaa · 7 months

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Thinking about the rule of three and how if a good writer got ahold of Dick then maybe the next time Dick gets to go full righteous anger on a guy the fucker he's punching doesn't get back up

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bubacorn · 2 months

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hc: Vessel is bad at receiving compliments and being told that he is loved (hug inspired by this one, @ghxstly-death put it into words perfectly. thank you, Eden!🫂)

Thinking about Vessel who can't accept compliments, not because he doesn't believe them (that too), but because he'd heard them so many times in the past related to small, unimpressive things. Not 'I'm proud of you', just 'You did good', an automatic response to any and all achievements. He did good. He didn't know what 'good' meant, but apparently, he did that. He has no idea what was good about what he did, so he continues to push himself, to not be a disappointment. If he does good, then that should be enough, right?

He tries for great, for excellent, for something more, but he always gets 'good', unrelated to the effort and time he put into something. He knows he shouldn't wish for more specific compliments, or anything else, really. He should be grateful to be regarded. Everyone around him is so busy, they can't possibly have time to listen to him talk about how in reality, he has no idea what he's doing. How things sometimes just click but he can't tell if what he did is actually worth anything or it was just pure luck. How he doubts himself at every step but learned to hide it, because he has to be good. And good means coping and dealing with things by himself and quietly, because then he will be told that he did good and who wouldn't want to be good?

Vessel who hears 'I love you' for the first time (said with actual love behind it for the very first time) in a really long time from II. He wouldn't tell the other that, but it's clear from the surprise and the hopeful longing in Vessel's eyes. His friend told him he loves him and he doesn't know what to do with that, so he hesitantly steps to him and begins to lift his arms in question. II's heart squeezes at his shyness, after all, the other has spent months alone in the manor, so it's understandable that he would have grown unaccustomed to touch. But then II has to pull Vessel against him, because the man sort of hovers his arms around his frame as if he doesn't know how to approach a hug. Like he isn't sure what is expected of him and what is too much.

Vessel is surprised when II squeezes around his torso, when he brings one arm around his shoulder and the other to his neck, trying to bring Vessel down towards him, like he wants to protect and shelter him. That's strange, but Vessel finds that his arms want to stay wrapped loosely around II a bit longer and just as he starts to pull away, II again says "I love you, Vessel", and Vessel's brain freezes. II squeezes him tighter and Vessel feels so warm and strangely loose (he's afraid he will unravel if he stays too close for too long) and small even though he towers over his friend. His friend who is now holding him and who apparently loves him.

The only thing in his mind stumbles from his tongue in the form of a quiet "Why?". He didn't do anything exceptional. He was showing II an arrangement and said he wasn't sure if it was any good, letting his fingers dance over the keys, feeling like he was stumbling through music. He felt like it captured that familiar insecurity, and he liked it and hoped II would like it, too. Even if it didn't make it into a song. Then II said he did like it, that it feels like Vessel is unsure but it gives the melody a unique flavor, and that Vessel was great for translating that feeling into music.

"'Why?' ?" II's answering question is filled with such disbelief that Vessel wants to hide. He said something inappropriate, something secret that had previously only been dwelling in his mind, in a dark corner, and now he feels exposed. Why did he even open his mouth? Not good. Definitely bad.

Vessel is slumping against II a bit, like he doesn't know how to hold himself upright anymore, like he needs support. II must feel it, because he's still holding him, and it's been minutes and Vessel tries to squirm away, to save any dignity he might still possess, and II lets him slip out of the embrace, but his arms linger like he doesn't want to let go of his friend. His friend who just blurted out the worst response to a confession of gentle affection. Vessel looks so worried when he catches II's gaze and he immediately averts his eyes and takes a few small steps back, unconsciously gravitating towards his piano for protection, a sense of safety.

"You're my friend, Vessel," II tries approaching the man with soft words, "You're kind and considerate and a damn good musician," Vessel stops backing away when the back of his legs hit the edge of his piano bench, but he's still looking at the floor, "You pour your heart into writing and playing and it's amazing to see. You're committed, but patient and you help me every time I need. Even when I'm too embarrassed to ask," II tilts his head and steps a bit closer to try and catch Vessel's gaze, "I know you don't see it and I'm sorry that you can't because it's true. I would never lie to you about this, Ves. I love you, you're my best friend," Vessel presses his lips together, so II adds, "Not just because we live in the middle of bumfuck nowhere. You're the best friend I've ever had. And I'm glad Sleep led me to you."

Vessel gives him a look that shows he tries really hard to believe him, and adds in such a low voice it's almost a whisper, "I love you, too," as if he's embarrassed to admit it. But it's not embarrassment, II realizes, it's disbelief, it's some sort of deep shame about needing someone else, of relying on anyone else but himself at all times. And it makes sense, considering Vessel's nature, but II could never put it all together, since large chunks of Vessel's past were unfamiliar to him. He could have guessed based on how the man acted, but he didn't want to assume anything. It felt disrespectful. Vessel would share if he wanted.

"And I'm really glad you found me," just a beat of silence, before he adds, in an even quieter tone, if that's possible, "And that you stayed," Vessel risks a bashful glance towards II, and sees him blink rapidly, shocked by the implication of the other's words, before he shakes himself and steps closer to Vessel. He searches his face for apprehension, but doesn't find any, so he gently puts his hands on Vessel's upper arms and sits him down on his bench. Before Vessel can react, II has his arms wrapped around him, one around his shoulder, and the other's hand cupping the back of his head and cradling it to his front.

"You're important to me, Ves. You're special and precious and I love you," II's fingers caress the man's shoulder and card through his hair, "I want you to know that I'm here for you any time, okay?" Vessel is still stunned and he's sure he's going catch on fire if he gets any warmer. II twists a lock of hair around his finger, "Okay?" Words form and die in Vessel's throat so he just nods, rapidly, almost hurriedly, and II lets out a small chuckle. "You're amazing, you know that?" he nuzzles into Vessel's hair for a moment to murmur, "And adorable," II sways with the man in his arms a little and Vessel is sure he will combust. His face is flaming against II's shirt and he tries to suppress the half grimace-half grin on his face and feels unreal. "C'mon. Tea break?" II smiles down at him and offers a hand. Vessel can stand on his own, but doesn't reject the offer. He likes the warmth of II's hand and he can always use the stability and the reminder of the other's presence. II soon replaces his hand with a mug of tea, but it's considerably colder to Vessel. The contrast is especially palpable when II brushes his knuckles against Vessel's as he's handing him his tea. The mug is warm, but II's skin is burning against his. But it's not bad. It's a good burn. It makes Vessel feel alive. Seen. Loved?

Vessel learns that he doesn't have to prove himself to other people to receive love. Love is not something that has to be earned in their home. Love is not a reward, not something that Vessel has to work for, then be disappointed that in the end, it isn't actually given to him. He tried being good in the past, being silent and keeping his head down and being a good kid, but the warmth and the unconditional love didn't come. He still tried, though, he always tried his best, but apparently that wasn't enough. Or there wasn't actually love at the end of that tunnel. It was just a play of light. But that would have been cruel and Vessel would like to think that people in his past weren't intentionally unkind to him (he won't admit the truth to himself for a while).

II often tells Vessel that he's proud of him. For speaking up. For telling him when he's having a bad day. For asking for distance when he needs it and closeness when he feels like he will drift away. For admitting to messing up, when he falls back into bad habits of self-destruction and isolation. For doing a grocery run by himself even though he goes home almost shaking and has to spend the next hours under a blanket on the couch, because it was simply too much. For crying when he talks about memories that he tried his hardest to forget but he just can't. For asking for help and letting II help him, even though it's hard. It's really hard, and Vessel apologizes for it, for being fucked-up and broken and damaged goods. For wasting II's time and being a burden, a needy, greedy thing. Wretched. Minus human.

But II tells him he loves him and that he could never be a burden. That he will always be worth it, he always has been, and that he's sorry that people in Vessel's past couldn't see it. Couldn't see him for all that he is. For the friend who pays attention to little details so he can show his friend how much he values him. For the guy who bakes his friend a complicated cake for his birthday because he off-handedly told him he can't even remember what it tasted like, even though it used to be his favorite. For the amazing composer who can capture emotions one doesn't realize one has. For the hard-working, curious kid who thought that being obedient and not questioning authority was the way to earn praise and affection. For the little boy who thought something was wrong with him, that he did or didn't do something and that is why he couldn't feel loved. For the child who cried and cried, silent and under the cover of the night, hoping that no one would hear (and secretly hoping that somebody would and they would come and save him from the gaping emptiness that made its home in his chest, way too big and scary for a boy that little). For the boy and then the man who couldn't cry anymore but thought that that is more than alright, at least he can finally keep it all inside. For the partner who allowed himself to be vulnerable with someone he trusted. For the partner who made sure his other knew he was always welcome, even though his brain sometimes tried to tell him otherwise. For the partner who grew comfortable with expressing casual affection so much that terms like 'darling' became second nature to him (and for the way he blushed when II told him that). For the man who learned to accept that it's okay to admit to not being okay, to need someone, to want to not feel alone, to feel cherished, to have his feelings validated. For the man who can tell his partner anything and does, because he knows he can speak his mind and that there will be someone who listens.

II wanted to see Vessel. Vessel let him. Even before he showed the uglier and less than perfect parts of himself, II loved him all the same. It was never about being 'good' and silent and compliant. Vessel is good. Vessel is not good. He's amazing. He's perfect. He's wonderful. He's cherished. He's incredible. He's valued. He's seen. He's listened to. He's heard. He's finally, finally loved. Has been for longer than he dared to think. Will soon be by more people than he thought possible.

#Vessel was a gifted kid who tried to push through burnout and mental illness #waiting for someone to tell him they see and love him and are proud of him #and you can't change my mind #making myself sad first thing in the morning #what else is new #<- it's night since then but this still applies #yes i included a Metallica reference (almost two). fight me (please don't i have shrimp-like arms and get scared easily)#also #tumblr scared the crap out of me earlier #i posted this privately after it posted instead of saving it as a draft #and apparently it was visible #and i got so freaking scared cause this wasn't finished #so i apologize for deleting and reposting #but my heart stopped for a moment and i whispered like 10 'shitshitshit's at my computer #i should be reading for a class tomorrow #sleep token headcanons #buba writes

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mpekamitzii · 3 months

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Hi guys sorry for the lack of art whatsoever today i finally got diagnosed with the "mystery illness" that has been plaguing me for 2 months now that apparently no doctor could figure out and it was an internal bacterial infection that if went undiagnosed for more time that could have actually caused very serious trouble. Thanks doctors for telling me that i am a healthy, young woman and i need to drink more water <3 if your doctors try to gaslight you with shit like this instead of conducting actual tests run away and never look back !!!!

#personal #delete later #if your doctors dismiss you and you feel unjustified leave.please leave. dont do the same mistakes i did!#so much money. so much anxiety #i genuinely thought i was going insane. the tests they made me go through kept coming clean #and they kept telling me there's sth wrong with my head #while i was clearly in pain.so i tried to ignore it but it never went away and i sounded more crazy in my head day by day #time to bite some entitled doctors who should have their license snatched and burned

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naturecalls111 · 7 months

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on liking girls

#comic #vent art #other fandoms #the fandom is my personal life LMAO #I had posted this on twitter and deleted it because it was vent art from back in like. Ohhh I forget. Must have been january #Like I had just had my birthday and I don't know what it was but something made me realise like #oh. I haven't come out to my parents #like it's Been a minute I probably should right #and my parents are like. the best in the world I say that with my whole chest #my sexuality is not something they would ever care about let alone judge me for #like they have so many gay friends OBJECTIVELY I KNOW THIS IS A NON ISSUE LOL #but I don't know. something about it DOES feel dangerous and I can barely come to terms with it #I hate the idea of making it a "thing'. does that make sense #i don't want it to be a “thing”#I don't want them to tell me they'll love me no matter what and that this doesn't change anything #I don't want to have to subject them to feel like I'm “opening up” and then Have to respond like that #I wish it felt like as natural of an integration as someone is being straight you know #i wish it was: i come home with the prettiest girl in the world (she is the prettiest because she is my girlfriend) and they're just like #“hi! so nice to meet you! lets sit for tea!”#and thats it no questions asked. my mom or dad wouldn't ask “why didnt you tell us?” does that make sense #This is why none of my highschool friends know either #i'll tell them if they ask but I don't want to make a performance of Telling Them #I don't. Owe them that #I don't owe anyone a heads up. I don't want to. I don't want to make it A Thing #It's a Me thing. I don't get why it has to be turned into a You thing.#also hi if you havent seen my face i look like That LOL

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harukapologist · 1 month

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Lately I was thinking about 0108 parallels since they're both so associated with water and I had a thought.

Haruka and Amane are both shown drowning in their MVs

Amane tries to swim back up; she believes she can still get what she reaches out for,

she believes she can still truly be a “good girl” despite how much it is destroying her and how terrified she is of the very people who enforce the cult ideals on her, to the point that their faces never appear in her MVs (in Magic, there weren't even any humans beside her to begin with, only the mascots and animals)

Haruka, on the other hand, just lets himself fall into the water; he does try to reach out for what he wants—his mother’s love—later on in the MV

but she promptly disappears, i.e he already knows it’s no use doing that. He’s accepted that he cannot become what is expected of him, he believes that he’s inherently at fault and has already accepted that (thus the inno verdict in T1 ignited a lot of inner conflict and self loathing, even though he tries to appear confident and happy and Okay)

#probably delete later 👍 i just. there is SOMETHING going on with these two and the associations with water #amane appears to have been waterboarded then WHAT ABOUT HARUKA. like i want to understand not what it means #but WHY the drowning theme is SO heavy in his stuff #drowning in water in weakness #drowning in water AND formaldehyde/whatever u interpret rhe orange substance as #its so hmmmfbhdhdh #haruka my dear your subconscious is a mess #milgram #haruka sakurai #amane momose #tw child abuse #tw cults #tw waterboarding #its just a mention of it but idk tell me if i should add/remove any tws #theres also something going on with 010809 generally as being the clearly severely abused children (although mkt isnt a child anymore the #effects of the abuse are Very much there)#save my children uuuuauaua

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catkin-morgs-kookaburralover · 5 months

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hi it's your regularly scheduled 'nanowrimo is insane', screenshots from a post in the board response overview thread by user Elyndra (in case you're wondering, no, that's not me, I've just been watching the situation spinning out of control). disclaimer that I obviously don't know this personally and hence there may be incorrect details.

anyway. I wonder if we'll have nanowrimo, as it currently exists, next year?

#why did i post this you may ask #the reason is for convenience for those who do not use the forums / have an account #but still want to know what's going on #if there's any reason i should delete or edit it please tell me #nanowrimo

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ceruleansol · 1 year

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So I’m workin on a lil (Vash x reader) somethin….

Nsfw to come once I finish and make this a whole other post

—

The routine noises are comforting. It starts the same every evening from where you sit resting against the armrest of the couch, reading the book he bought for you that month. Over the course of your five-year-long relationship, you learned the various ways Vash expresses and needs to receive love.

One of the ways he gives love is by gift giving, in which he studies you in detail and makes sure he enables every one of your passions. Every month he either buys you a book based on your preferences or picked out by himself for you to try. If he sees a pretty rock on the ground or has time to stop by the local crystal shop, he brings you crystals to add to your ever-growing collection. By the time you've added another passion or hobby to your repertoire, he's already created another mental list of ideas of what to gift you.

The set of different sketching pencils will arrive in the mail next week—with the specifications that it is a gift, so the price isn't showing.

What is more notable, however, is his need for quality time and physical touch. He will insist it's for you. He is hellbent on serving you and making sure you're comfortable, secure, and protected. It is innate and in his nature. Many a late and stressful night for the both of you has he chosen, unprompted and without complaint, to do the cooking or the cleaning or the laundry. But he'll also ask in that soft and sweet voice if you want to join him. He needs to take care of you and have you with him, but you know the real reason.

The noises continue in the bathroom down the hall that stretches straight ahead of you, the light bleeding sideways out of the cracked door. And it's by such repetitive routine that each tell paints a clear picture in your mind of him methodically undoing his prosthetic and placing it onto the countertop, a relieved breath following suit before he begins to tug his shirt over his head.

The door then opens like it does every evening where he steps out with only his pants remaining. It is this sight of him in particular that especially warms your heart and increases your fondness for your lover. No one else gets to see him in such a vulnerable state. Only you get to hold the weight of his trust and witness him and all his scars.

His eyes soften when he sees you with the book and he smiles. "Hey," he says as soft as his gaze and raises a hand to get your attention, though he's never lost it. "Wanna shower with me?"

He's met with only a growing smile on you at the familiar question, and so he pushes himself past the doorframe.

You watch him in adoration of his lean stature, the marred skin across his chest that reaches his back, the angle of his shoulders, and the gentle yet playful manner in which he steps toward you.

When he stops, his shins are against the couch between your legs, and he grins down at you. He nudges your leg with his to coax you out of the stupor he's surely noticed you in.

Blinking back into reality, you're met with the realization of how your head reaches the height of his abdomen when you sit down like this.

You know it well, just as well as he knows you; Vash gives what he needs to receive, and you intend to make sure he always gets as much as he gives.

#midnight writing #equivalent to drunk writing #gonna edit the heck out of it later #even more* should I add #the way I can only write in 500 word intervals #well this time it’s 600 #progress #also hi I’m embarrassed by how much feels I have for this humanoid #can you tell how self indulgent this is #vash x you #vash x reader #trigun x reader #hopefully more awake me won’t delete this #vash fluff #vash smut #to come at least #fic: taking care of you taking care of us

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