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yoongiandchiminie · 6 years

Text

Distance [Jungkook x Reader] Part 1

Pairing: Jungkook x Reader

Word Count: 3,468

Genre: Romance, Angst

Warnings: Cursing,

Summary: After being friends with Jungkook for years, you’re finally coming to terms with your on and off feelings about him or so you think. He was a complex man and had been since you were younger. Everyone knew it, but did you know him the way everyone else did?

Dear Google Docs,

I think I've loved Jungkook since I was fifteen. Over the last five years, I've fallen in and out if love with him, but I've always loved him nonetheless. Maybe I don't really know what being in love is. Maybe it was because of his admiration of me and feeling appreciated made me care for him more than I truly did. I guess I'll never really know.

I'm here because I didn't really know what else to do. I've always enjoyed writing and that's even how I met him. Through a writing outlet on Facebook back then. He was beautiful. One of the most gorgeous men I've ever seen and maybe that's where the initial lust came into play, but was that all it was? I hope not. He made me happy then. He made me confident in a way I'd never admit. Never to him. He had to have known about one of my crushes on him to a point. I wasn't exactly subtle at my young age.

Jungkook had this terrible habit of disappearing and playing it off as if nothing had ever happened. Acting as if he wasn't gone for three months as we were getting older. I've always had this terrible and irrational fear that everything would be over sooner than expected. Wasting days wasn't something I enjoy and it rather irritated me.

He told me he was lonely today and wanted to feel love. So I told him I loved him. I really did, but he didn't know how I meant it I guess. It went like this; “I think I'm lonely.” “I love you.” “I know you do, but it's not the love I need.” “What?” “You love me in a friend way, I need something more.” I was silent.

When he was telling me about his feelings today, it was the first time in years. Jungkook was a private guy and he always liked to keep it that way. After we spoke about the love thing, he told my friend Maeve and I why his ex-girlfriend broke up with him. They’d always been on and off because I’d heard she was a little bit crazy. Kook said that she approached him about a week ago and said that she knew nothing about him. So he told her to come over one night and they could sit up and talk about his life. His feelings. Then after he told her everything, she broke up with him on that spot. She said he was depressed and she didn’t need to be around that.

He claimed that he wasn’t depressed and she was spitting shit, but who was I to know? As much as I knew about him, it was really not too much. He was a private person. I only knew what he wanted me to know. When I was younger my mouth ran a lot and thus he knew- everything. I was open when it came to him and just couldn’t hide shit. He was always there for my whether it be through skype, xbox, or a phone call.

I've been thinking about that moment all day and that's why I'm here. I cracked and needed somewhere to vent to. As much as I enjoy a paper and pen, Google docs was more accessible to my venting needs. How do I explain to a pen and paper that I love a boy I've only met once in person? I guess the same way I do it here, but a little less pathetic. Nobody could ever find this unless I sent it to them, so I'm safe.

After writing down how I felt, I felt even stupider than I had without doing it. I sighed as I closed my laptop, pushing it off to the side of my bed. I grabbed my Xbox controller and it looked like Jungkook was still online playing Sea of Thieves. We’d been playing earlier all together, but I’d gotten off because I hit a point where I couldn’t contain myself around him. I had this constant fear that I’d say something stupid that would scare him off and the thing that sucked was that he had the same fear. Any form of feelings he could spit out, he kept bottled up.

I grabbed my controller and then my headset, plugging the wire into the prior. I hovered his gamertag for a moment. “JEONKOOKIE” and hit X, inviting him. It took a moment but he joined into the silence. He never said anything when he joined party, always waiting for the other to say it.

“Hey.” I lead, coughing after I spoke.

“You hoppin’ on? I’ll invite you.” He had this slight excitement in his voice that made saying no so hard, but I didn’t want to sit here sitting in my own feelings with his voice telling me to raise the sails.

“No, no. I just-” I cleared my throat and he made a small eh noise. I was starting to get flustered just by speaking to him. “I just wanted to tell you that you deserve the world. Even if you have to give it to yourself, you know? Unless you-”

“I know.” he was monotone, but I knew he wasn’t annoyed with me. “Thank you, Y/N.”

“Unless yo-”

“I love you, you know that? You’re important to me.” he let out a small chuckled after he spoke and my face burned hot. “What were you saying? Sorry to cut you off.”

“Nothing.” I responded. All I wanted to say was unless you wanted me to give it to you, but that was it. My momentary confidence was gone. Ah fuck. “I’m gonna go.” Without listening for his response, I left the party and threw my controller across the room. All I did was fuck up when it came to him, but it didn’t really matter. Soon we’d go back to not talking constantly and I’d be sad for a week or so, then the feelings would fade away. I knew this for a fact, so why did I constantly fall in love with him? Fuck if I knew.

“We should meet up again sometime soon.” He’d said a few days later. The party was silent as it was just the two of us and sometimes it got like that. I didn't particularly like it, but I sat through it in hopes that I could say something to spark a conversation. “I had fun with you guys last time.”

I was on a road trip with Maeve and our other friend Jin, going to see our friend Yoongi for the weekend. We stopped at a rest stop and as we pulled in, I recognized it as the town Jungkook lived in. Naturally, we went to his job to surprise him. Imagine your internet friends showing up during your shitty work day? We thought it would be nice too. Jin had called out his name and we couldn't find him, so we left and decided to call his phone this time.

He didn't pick up, so Jin wrote in the group chat and it turned out he called out of work. Jungkook always had this habit of pushing people off if they came near him, but not this time. He came and met up with us. We waited in Maeve car and I was anxious. I really was. What if he wasn't as excited as me? What if our awkward silences transitioned to real life? My heart stopped as I looked around the parking lot and spotted him. As my obnoxious self would, I honked the moment he stepped into his car and I never thought a smile could make my heart drop.

Jin ran out of the car and the two hugged for a good while, as you do. Other than Maeve, our whole friend group lived around the country from each other. We only got to see each other if we traveled and it was nice to say the least. After Jin had picked him up and spun him with a laugh, Jungkook pulled away and turned his attention towards me. He had this big goofy smile on as his arms snaked around my frame and held me tight. I’d had dreams about this moment and for it to be coming true was eye opening.

I'd always figured Jungkook was someone that took good selfies and was kind of cute in person. He was the most attractive guy that I’d ever had the pleasure of meeting. As we sat around eating lunch, Maeve couldn't stop herself from texting me about how fucking hot he was and I just nodded.

“Yeah, that'd be fun. It's just a little far.” I played it off as if him wanting to see me wasn't music to my ears.

“We can meet halfway if you wanna. Six Flags is between us.” I could hear hear him smiling as he dropped anchor in our game. “We could have a fun day there.”

“Are you going on the vacation this Summer? Everyone is going to Namjoon’s to meet his daughter.”

“It's a bit of a stretch, but we could drive down together.”

“It's a twelve hour drive.”

“I like driving.”

“I like- driving. I like driving.” Real smooth. “So you're going to drive here and then we can drive there?”

“Looks like that's the plan, lovely.”

Dear Google Docs,

I really think I love him this time. We're driving together to the dumb squad vacation I didn't really want to go on. Being the only girl with them gets to be a little much. Yes, Emma was gonna be there and Claire as well, but ones a baby and the other doesn't like me too much. Emma was always uneasy with me, even if I haven't even met Namjoon in person. She seems sweet, I'll never hold her to the jealousy she felt for me.

So far out of the seven of them, I’d met Jin, Yoongi, Jungkook, and Jimin in person. I'd taken vacations with Jin and Yoongi. I had lunch with Jungkook and I’d spent five minutes with Jimin. It turned out the two of us were at the same anime convention and neither of us knew all weekend until the last day. He’d found the hall I was in and came to give me a big hug and took a selfie with me. It was a little awkward, but it was cute.

Back to the problem at hand. I think I'm going to need to get a second job up until we go away in two months. I need new everything to wear there, especially since we were going to be at a beach. I had to work out and shop, which means more money than I’m making for a little bit. I guess I'll to job hunting tomorrow before I go to my job now. I hope it's worth it.

“Where have you been, Y/N?” Jungkook asked about two weeks later when we finally caught each other on Xbox. He worked the hours of my normal job, so we used to be able to play together right when we got home. Now, after that job I went straight to the night job and didn't get home until his Overwatch team started their nightly skrims. It meant absolutely no time to play with him, but that was alright. It was bound to happen anyways.

“Working a lot, you know me.” I laughed it off and opened up my game. “You ready?”

“Oh, I’ve been ready, baby.”

Dear Google Docs,

Today when I opened my group chat I saw a message from Jimin that said I was all talk. I wasn't too sure what I meant, but I knew the group chat with seven tight knit guys and myself wasn't the place to ask. So, when I got on Xbox with Jungkook I did and he said it was because I was a flirt. He went on to say that I've always been like this and mentioned I'd been flirting with him lately. Was I obvious?

We started the conversation as we both set Sea of Thieves to update, but it’s a big patch. He came back for a moment after getting a phone call and said he was going to take a shower. On one hand I hope he forgets about this conversation, but on the other I want to know where this talk could go. So, I’m writing this while waiting to come back.

I also realized I have another fear. What if when we get bored of this game, we go back to not talking as much? I guess I’d really have to wait to find out.

I closed google docs and instead of my laptop, I ended up scrolling through all of my social media as I waited. My anxiety wasn’t as bad as I expected, but I was still a little bit nervous. Also angry. And cold. Fuck. I heard his headset unmute and a quick breath. Luckily, he forgot.

“You know,” he cleared his throat a few minutes later as we sat on the ship, waiting out a storm that would definitely destroy our small ship. “I kinda like the attention you've been giving to me.” I knew he'd been lonely, especially since his ex. “It feels nice.”

“I wish I spoke to you more.” I admitted. “I just always feel like I'm annoying you.”

“You don't annoy me- Just your choices sometimes do.” he muttered, “You never annoy me.”

“The last really annoying thing I did was two years ago.” I responded, dwelling on my poor boy choices. The boys had introduced me to this boy named Kihyun who definitely admired them. In the Facebook writing community they were basically idolized and I just kind of faded along. I'd fallen quickly for Kihyun. He liked me a lot too, I thought. He lived fairly close to me and we even met up twice. He was my first kiss.

It turned out he'd been using me to get to my friends, or so we figured. He had this big thing where he didn't want to date me and played it off. The guys constantly asked if he was talking to other girls and he denied it, but we later found out he was. I see his name pop up sometimes and this little part of me wants to message him and apologize even though I probably didn't do anything wrong. It was a filler arc that went on for too long. Sometimes I still got upset about it and confided in Jin for some reason. Everytime he kind of made me feel bad about it and I got over it quick enough. “He was in my dream last night.” I finished.

“Ew, ugh, don't mention him.” Jungkook scoffed, a disgusted tone to his voice.

“Don't you talk to him? He fucking sucks your d-”

“Just drop it.”

Dear Google Docs,

Today I realized how different Jungkook had become after her. He gets angry easier. She texted him while we were talking yesterday and I could hear his attitude sinking. She wanted him to look for a makeup brush she thought she left there and he asked to know what it looked like. She got mad that he “never can do anything she asks” and he just got angry. He swore every minute and just bitched and bitched. I felt bad, but what could I do? He got off right after that.

I'm worried.

I woke up at a good morning text today from Jungkook. It had a heart next to it and I couldn’t help but to find myself blushing at the thought that he thought of me. I’d gotten messages like this from him before, but it almost felt different. Whenever we went through our periods of talking he as like this. Maybe it was because he knew I thought that I annoyed him all of the time and he did this to ease me.

Dear Google Docs,

I think this document is so important to me because it's mine. Normally I'll vent on my private social medias, but my friends still can see my posts along with people I've never spoken to that may follow me. I was always fine with that, but I've felt kind of embarrassed about this Jungkook issue. Was it just in my head? Any friend I've spoken about this with thinks he has feelings to me but they don't- well, know him.

Kookie likes to fuck around. He was one of the sweetest guys I knew but he loved attention and loved being able to say he had someone wrapped around his fingertips. Kinda fucked up. It seems he was a little different now after her. To my knowledge, he wasn't truly about that anymore, but what did I know?

We haven't truly spoke in days at this point. Between us both working and whatever was going on with him it was rare that we even exchanged messages. It wasn't exactly hurting me, but more so leaving me in a state of confusion. Did he care the way I did or were they pity messages? All I knew was that I needed my anxiety to stop fucking around with me and let me continue normally. I didn't need this cloud surrounding me and bringing me down. I just had to work and focus.

I’d woken up to a message from him this morning that read, “Summer is only a month away.” It was sent at 4:33 in the morning. Why was he thinking about that so early? I went to work and the message didn't leave my head. I’d forgotten to respond to him in my rush and got another message an hour later that read, “I’ll plan everything, don’t worry. I’ll pick you up and it’ll be smooth sailing, baby.” Yeah. Real smooth.

Dear Google Docs,

He messaged me “You know what man. You haven't asked me to be a pirate in a while. I'm starting to feel some type of way.” What the fuck is that supposed to mean? I asked 2 days ago and his replies have been scarce so I decided I shouldn't ask anymore. I didn't want to be annoying and I told him that. His response was “Never. I always want you to annoy me about being a pirate.” My heart fluttered, but I couldn't bring myself to respond with something cute so instead I said “Are you sure?” What a fucking idiot.

“I'm glad we have this game.” Jungkook sounded like he was smiling a week before we went away at 1 am. “I always wanna play with you but-”

“But?” I could feel my voice slipping as my eye drooped. I was exhausted, but I couldn't turn down an invite from him.

“You just play shitty games, Y/N.” he laughed hearing my breath stop for a second. I was so tired I couldn't even think of a retort in the moment. “Turn a little more west.”

I listened as I steered the ship while he basically did everything else. “I can't believe I have to drive for 12 hours in a week.” I sighed, dreading the journey. The longest car ride I'd been on was 9 hours and I hadn't even been the one driving.

“But you'll have me.” he basically sang. I was caught off guard by the cuteness of it and cleared my throat. “Back and forth, you'll have me.”

“Are you gonna talk to me though?” I joked with him. “You can't leave me on read or unopened if we're both in the car.”

“Well, we won't be texting, first off.” he almost sounded offended but, I think it was fake. “Maybe I'll be breathless if I stare at you for too long, gorgeous, but that's it. The only thing keeping us from talking.”

“Shut up.”

I'm leaving tomorrow for this vacation. I quit my second job, I bought clothes, and I'm excited. Being with all of my close friends for a week sounds like the break I deserve. So, I decided the best way to spend my night was to play some good ole Xbox. Jungkook happened to be on, but his attitude was different. He was normal Kook, but he just kinda kept yelling and was getting frustrated easier than normal. Nothing too serious, but he was being an ass.

“Why are you so mean today?”

“She came over yesterday and slept over and had sex with me so I'm kinda heartbroken.”

“Ah.”

“You know, even though I'm not enjoying my day, I'm enjoying my time with you.”

“Heart heart.”

Dear Google Docs,

I don't think I can love him the way I want to.

A/N - hello and welcome to my sadness!! I hope you enjoyed & please let me know what you think in replies or messages! I’m super nervous about this story bc it’s very personal and i highkey need to know what everyone thinks before i continue writing. it’s gonna get a lot worse from here, boys. i can tell you that. heart heart xx

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