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#tempted to message people i shouldnt
dusktarot · 10 months
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having transgender feelings..... and others....
its great being around trans ppl all the time and it being just normal in spaces i'm in, but going back out into the world and being reminded that i'm just a cis woman to anyone looking at me... i look like i fit fine into that comfortable little Gender Box and nobody would ever question that.
my dysphoria asks for smth kind of impossible, a balancing act, even something a little inhuman, but even if i took what steps i can (as in hrt. basically) i would be both unsafe and still not perceived as i am because i cant just. beam shit into ppls brains
and i just say "well, i can live with it." and "oh, maybe i just feel this way because of one of my special interest things, that's no basis for this kind of decision" but what the fuck else do i have for a self? what other kind of things could i do to have that control, to break out of that uncomfortable box? what the fuck can i do? i've been telling myself "i can live with it" with regard to my mental health for over a decade now. is it true? i'm tempted to say no, but what do i know? i've been proving it. it sucks ass, but i'm living with it.
i don't have a nice, neat story of discovery-- i sort of always knew, i sort of only found out when i found out about trans people. child me would probably have agreed that i was a girl, but mostly because this is just one of those things i had to learn.
i feel like my story is pedestrian, like my experiences aren't meant to carry weight with others. i'm just another nonbinary person and i'm not brave for being visible. i'm just another one of those people with pronouns rejecting my agab. i shouldn't be scared! i shouldnt be depressed so much because isnt my dysphoria just another one of those whims? it isnt something that's been crushing me since i was young, it isnt something i need to fix immediately.
i dont know. none of my feelings are strong enough. i've been depressed for so long, and i'm not dead yet. obviously, since i can stave it off, it's really not so severe. i can get out of bed most days, so it's not so bad. i can laugh and enjoy myself. it's only once in a while i feel terrible.
i started talking about transness, now i'm on mental health, but i suppose its all intertwined.
and, of course, i get all my happiness from fictional characters and not even my own, so i'm just one of those tumblr losers that obsesses over characters, and i dont like the cool deep stories. so none of that's a beautiful message that anyone wants to listen to. i'm not an artist, i just draw.
this got away from me. i'm sorry. i just need the possibility of someone understanding.
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draven · 1 year
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from the moment you sit down, you Know this is going to be a Bad Talk with your lawyer. its never good for your lawyer to need to have a bad talk with you, esp when ur facing criminal charges. but today is worse than that bcos there is something withering abt the vibes being created in this office rn. kinda makes you wanna shrivel up and disappear.
luckily for you, almost every person who has had the talk youre about to have with Lucian Roth has done exactly that! no worries, just give him a little bit of time to sort you out.
i drew this as a test of a new style & i was rly amused at how anime love interest he looks. so it got me thinking abt why he might be looking at u like this. so i wrote a thing. it is not romantic, naturally.
PS this is not the usual cadence or grammar id write with i literally just did this for fun just enjoy my Bad Lawyer Imagines
MORE UNDER THE CUT COS I GOT CARRIED AWAAAAY
just as a heads up this is a horror oc this is a Horror drabble. nothing wild happens in this but jjjjsyk!
lucian roth. you spent thousands to hire him because hes worth the price; cos he says hes never lost a case. and you believe him bcos u heard of the high profile cases he Did win. publicly. hes not exactly a household name, but any true crime fan would know him because of the part he played in certain high-profile, controversial cases. hes also not bad to look at, if youre into that sorta thing.
this whole time working with mr. roth you have been feeling paranoid about letting him down somehow or slipping up and ruining his reputation. he said took ur case on as a Favor and he never lords it over your head. as a result youve been doing The Most to make sure this goes well. and it has been going well! you think. maybe? but a lot of the people who have sat where youre sitting rn were thinking the same thing before the ensuing conversation changed their lives. permanently. before today, youd have thought smth like: "he knows the exact thing to say to calm me down!" so youre expexting a lil joke here. a lil reassuring quip there. but hes just staring at you pleasantly.
in a deadpan voice that does not match his smile in the slightest he informs you that he doesnt appreciate being embarrassed in the courtroom by "little surprises" from his clients. you have no idea what hes referring to- you certainly didnt do anything surprising. in fact, your day in the courtroom had ended in YALLS FAVOR so umm. he must be joking, but his unusually sharp gaze that his smile was attempting to mask froze ur funny bone. youre pretty sure if you laughed he would backhand you. he never struck you as the type to do smth like that before this moment, but like bob dylan famously said: the vibes, they are a-changing.
when pressed further he elaborates in that toneless, absent way & the message is clear if not surprising. your courtroom attire, he tells you. you think about it. its the kinda cheapy but decent suit you keep in the back of the closet, the one you save for special occasions. he tells you it was an absolute disgrace to be seen with. tacky, even. its embarrassing. he was so SO clear about proper courtroom attire. your socks are even a distracting color, and not in a charming way. he's a VERY well-known lawyer. he doesnt have time for people who clearly lack conviction.
is he having a hissy fit or are you imagining it? cos his expression hasnt changed.
despite how weird this is you are Very sure this is not a joke or an attempt to make you laugh. even tho you are tempted to. even tho u hear a quick breath from a pair of nostrils behind u- a snicker from his secretary who apparently slipped in the office behind u. usually hed kick her out if he was gonna say smth sensitive like this you thought. like this is a Legal Breakup shouldnt this be private? but he didnt seem to mind her there this time. an audience to embarrass you in front of because apparently you have no shame when its in the Courtroom to Defend your Life. cos of your ugly ass suit, you guess. you know it doesnt fit perfect but damn.
it's mesmerizing, this very huge dramatic moment hes creating without moving a muscle. and its paralyzing too, youre not sure what to say about something so randomly illogical from a man who has been Completely Logical up until now. you dont dare to challenge him. he dismisses you with a twitch of his index finger, indicating the door behind you which is now being pushed open by the secretary. she doesnt seem to care about anything happening here one way or the other. like this happens all the time. but she doesnt meet your gaze and she might even have snuck an irritated look back at the lawyer himself.
if she had looked, thatd be brave. that felt brave to you. you cant even look at him as you leave cos youre too nervous, which might be why youll have a hard time recognizing him next time you see him again. which you will, but as he promises you on your way out, "it wont be in a courtroom."
maybe hes just encouraging you. like in the "ha- well dont end up in trouble with the law again and we wont see each other!" and looking back you mightve tried to convince yourself of that. you cant Really tell right, i mean not with that dead tone of voice. but nah. you realize much later that lucian roth says only exactly what he means, and he chisels it in stone.
buuut, you keep telling yourself, stone gets fucked up over time, and given enough of it and some weathering... well hopefully something else will distract him from the reprehensible crime of wearing a tacky pair of socks. and he can take his lil rock and chisel and fuck off away from you. creep.
he was right tho, you think as you get in your car, license plate number making you feel exposed. you are going to see him again. you know it because of the feeling of Wrongness you got when you got booked it the fuck out of his fancy office, past his fancy car, and away from his shallow, conceited ass. the Wrongness came from knowing he had all of your personal information- and now you arent so sure if you trust him. you really would have to completely uproot and disappear to ensure that he couldnt possibly see you again.
its a dumb gut reaction, you know. it was just one red flag and it was an emotional situation. thats what you chop it up to.
the next time you see him is a few years later. and youre removed enough now that eh its whatever he was just some narcissist rich guy with some kind of image he thinks he has to uphold. exorbitantly rich people are fucking weird. now, youre older and wiser now so seeing him again wouldnt ruin your life even tho you deffo didnt wanna feel the way you felt when you were near him on that last day ever again. not like youd run into a pseudo-famous guy just in passing on the street, but anxiety be like: Lets be Unreasonable! so you let the worry about seeing him slide by cos youre just being a Lil dramatic.
so maybe youre curious what hes up to, but you weren't gonna open the tabloid until you saw he was not being featured in this trashy gossip column for winning a high-profile case or for having cillian murphy-like cheekbones to die for.
he is a straight up fugitive my friend, Trashy Tabloid informs you. you look at the picture and he looks like normal to you. but its a mugshot, well look at that. probably up to some rich people shit. money laundering. you dont know what that is but hes rich so. could be it. your eyes rove over the page. youre pretty chill about this actually, you think oh- SERIAL KILLER. it just says that right on that page in the - ohh its the Local tabloid thats sick yeah very comforting. youre not really sure what to do. youre mortified.
he told you he would see you outside the courtroom. hes COMING.
Oh my god stop you look like a freako sweating all over the gossip magazine. why in the world, while running from the police, would this man seek you out over a pair of socks?
your case was settled years ago. life has been normal aside from the legal hiccup. youve got a job and a little apartment. its cool. chill and a little boring but. better than being in jail, no thanks to lucian roth. or-er- you dont wanna read further cos you KNOW youll freak yourself out. but you notice you still havent put it down and now youre shaking. must be a heavy magazine.
ohhhh my god ok see here it says the serial killer is named ALEXANDER RICHTER oh wait "-having assumed an identity as a high-profile defender... Lucian Roth"
okay yeah fuck.
is it appropriate to panic in the self checkout line for a second over the tabloids of all things? over this absolutely wild UNREAL terror?
you decide no. because it IS unreal. if he was coming after you youd have some kind of inkling. and also: it was Socks. okay?
oh fuck, youre scared as your bagging up your groceries. stupid brain.
god. maybe you should've listened to the true crime episodes about him. you avoided them because of that fucking creepy interaction thats been haunting you like a cockroach you lost sight of. you dont know where it is and youre not like REALLY gonna lose it but you might also just lose it cos ahh fuck stay away from me! but now you dont know your enemy. cos you didnt pay any attention to him. were you supposed to? would someone else have been on high alert like you are rn???
lol. ok seriously though, you pull out your car keys as you speedwalk through the crosswalk without checking both ways. yours is a life of danger, you think sarcastically.
after a long moment of this irrational panic, you HAVE to laugh. its a quick one, but you do. the tension relieves.
you get in your car
.
thanks for reading!
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revelaare · 4 years
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Shit said in the Crimson Discord & VC, taken out of context part 2, (the sequel)
Big NSFW warning, probably
his meat slid off and then slid right back on
[PRONOUN] can punch me in my uterus and make a hammock out of my ovaries
it’s one of the worst fucking things i’ve ever heard, and i’ve heard someone literally shit their pants
they tagged me and my ass clenched
this man just said “I want to eat ur ass and then kiss you” ok buddy
a man with a plan
my grandpa is texting his hoes from his flip phone
god my lawyer was a hit but idk if she will be the chosen one or not
hello give me your toenails
i'll touch you in a non-weird way
he was in that movie with the people, he was the human.
i want her to brush my hair
If we have dick glasses they have to be of the highest quality for the best experience
i don't wanna watch that white nonsense
i would throat him like a fine wine
these millenials can't live without ac? back in my day we lived on the sun
yall better put those goats on a wheel, tell them to start running
he looks like a bitch
yes or no, u wud punch the light bulb out of thomas edisons wrinkly pruned hand and asked him if he believed in god
still has skin and a working body
i needed to wait until my voice changes
you thought i was snacking on joe biden’s savory meat stick
barack guckin oglizzy, oguckma, barack osugma, Joe choden, OglchnnngggHHHYynnUUUnnghhma
why did i have a dream that i was taking the lid off my car
false gods require wine, real gods require coochiefice
fettucine wet ass pussy
that was all you sent me. the picture of a raccoon and then nothing
it isn’t hate, it is ‘continuously let down by’.
i never went to school who science
i’m gunna go peer pressure my mum into a shot
thank you for furthering my career at hot topic
i will suck the ingrown hair off of him
it has huge jackman in it
i chomped on this eggshell, got my calcium in for the day
i will take you to touch the mango
i want to see all the big things
[PRONOUN] has collar bones so deep you could hook a clothing hanger into it
no asscheeks in fucking family chat you animals
he will eat you alive and suck out your intestines like its a spaghetti noodle
[NAMES]’s Tiggle Biddie’s
dropped acid, cried the whole night.
my stomach is hooping and hollering, i’m about to eat some sleep
you want my throatsac ??
please dont know me as the toenail eater
you have to keep the skin on one side while you eat the other, thats basic mango physics
i mean he is some good sasuage
calm down dick Hannibal
respectfully, what the fuck is this
tbf i only eat my steaks where they need tampons
you committed acts of culinary terrorism
does your refrigerator whimper and cower in the corner when you approach it. that's your fridge trying to use echo location to locate a safe space
thundercuck
i almost met Jesus, I almost got an autograph. Almost got a greatest hits signed album.
respectfully, are you smoking fucking crack?
my left testicle could play better than you
i’ll eat him with ketchup
son of a biscuit eating bulldog!
now it’s back to me sucking, all is right in the world.
holy fuck weasels.
holy fuck, weasels!
why does the bad guy look like the Statue of Liberty?
this is a man that sometimes willingly dresses like a lumberjack
and me, being an emotional cripple, must make jokes about this.
hey my name is [NAME] i'm **definitely** who i say i am
[NAME OR PRONOUN] offered a back massage by calling it the “tickle thing”
i love a man who puts his parents in a nursing home.
my brain is going to take a hot shower
wait have u seen steve harvey's coochie
if it were me i would simply not be pregnant
look im not about to be out here saying i love [NAME OR PRONOUN] feet, but i am about to be out here saying that their feet are some of the nicest feet i've seen in a long time
i named my cloyster renesmee
[NAME] was texting me from the bathtub
you’re pregnant? That’s unfortunate.
do I say dumb shit? Perhaps. Do I take ownership? Perhaps.
i pay for things in blissful ignorance
i am an emotional vagrant
i am an emotional fragrance
to make a long motherfucking story short...
this enchilada tastes like asshole and sadness
you are not an ugly bitch, you’re just a bitch
that’s not a nut shot, buddy.
i’m sad because i sucked the meat off of this pumpkin spice latte
i want to make a blanket out of his eyebrows
what are you disgracing my Christian eyes for?
he be looking at that dick like why does it go so much to the left?
I want her to record an audio book for me so I can fall asleep listening to her voice.
Can I lick you like an ice cream cone? Asking for science.
like you're out to lunch with your bromie and you're eating some rubens or something and you wistfully look over the rim of your sunglasses and just: You ever buss 2 fast
my accent is flaccid
timotay chalamaymay’s sweet ass
on the bright side mcallister’s gave me 3 pickle spears. Almost enough to make a whole pickle.
you think they came from the same mommy pickle?
HIS DOODLE IS OUT
i thot that meant [NAME] wanted to...doodle his noodle
i don’t use commas, i don't respect u enough, fuck ur reading comprehension.
does australia have seasons
i want someone to embalm my body with mcdonalds sprite
his hermione grangina
purrrr my last email
its lore locked beneath 30 layers. u can only understand it if uve had a near death experience
LET'S GET FUCKY
i wanna have the heart of a stoner
his man titties look like little tattooed pillows
SWIGGITY SWOOTY COMIN FOR THAT BOOTY
there were no cheeks to shake. nothing to clap. no noise to be had from her literal slices of wonderbread
u ever just fuck around and ur tits fart
put a lil mint leaf on it for authenticity
alright brother god bless may u be fertile
i feel like im being advocated for something i shouldnt be advocating for
and i am adam with my fat pendulous balls lol
i’m making whuppie with whoopie godberg
theodore tits fart rex
yeah man do u also have the third toe on ur shoulder
the green spaghetti monster is coming for me and i can't blame him
today i learned starfish do not poop
that was nothing compared to some other things I saw
listen I'd willingly watch [NAME/PRONOUN] in a cell for 24 hours. Imagine that sounded less creepy
i'd lick a dirty flip flop off her abs
i’m tempted to show you all the gravity defining boobs, maybe tomorrow
my brain is on vacation
good morning! i ate breakfast and im ready to go to bed
tape the titty in
ive unironically had nightmares with [NAME] in them
the peanut in the auditory canal
so far this feel all comfortable, does this all make sense?
i know it's kind of a schlep to get through
nail polish or no nail polish for the shower?
and then he saw those big tt honkerz... and it all went down hill from there
can y’all stop chanting curses in the chat my furniture is stuck on the ceiling
EH?! CIAO? HELLO??
in Russia this is not ok 
i can’t buy pants here on Sunday either
IT'S LIKE TWELVE THOUSAND DOLLARS TO EAT ON A SOGGY PANCAKE
imagine me going up to [NAME/PRONOUN] and being like i love the way ur flesh smells
in a supermarket. The sickly blue light where humans congregate. Animal human masses. Nameless faces. Whole lives boiled into generalized categories like "asshole who definitely does need 4 boxes of cheerios". Yout hink and realize while stabding in line u didnt grab the bag of frozen peas...but its 2 late
its truly the only picture that gives me pure joy
are weasels real
my work mum just messaged me the phrase "use your booty call wisely" with no context
"let's bring u to the mustache chair"
If you’re not doing coke under the coke sign what is the point?
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alistairradley · 4 years
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This is the anon who asked you why I shouldnt commit suicide. I wanted to let you know that even though things are getting worse, I've decided not to kill myself. Thank you for your help. My spiritual life is still awful though and I dont know what to do. I'm really depressed and I have no motivation to do anything. How am I supposed to stay motivated to pray and read the Bible when I can barely muster up the motivation to eat, shower, or get out of bed in the morning?
Anon, I'm glad you didn't kill yourself. For a while, I was worried that you might have really gone through with it. I'm grateful to God that you're still here.
This was the best news that I've received the past week. I feel somewhat kind of relieved that you're still here. My brain kept wondering if maybe you've offed yourself and loved ones are mourning you now. Kreg and I kept hoping that someone had reached out to you in time, like a good friend or a family member. I'm not sure how you came to the decision to hold on but I'm thankful to God that you did.
I understand you're depressed and that takes a toll out of you. I do remember now that I could barely pull myself up in the morning to take a shower, eat and go to work.
There are a few things I want you to do. It may or may not help but I think it's worth a try.
Call a friend. A Christian friend or family member that you know you can trust. Ask them if you can hang out somewhere and maybe talk. You don't have to jump out and tell them that you've been struggling and you want to commit suicide. You can just start out with "Hey, I'm going through some things and I feel sad. I'm not sure I can talk about it yet but I kind of want to hang out with you."
I know that most people online would ask you to get help as quickly as possible but I know how hard it is to open up when you're depressed. I'm kind of getting the vibe that you were on the same level as I was. Since I had problems opening up to other people and communicating how I felt.
The number one thing we need to combat is the desire to be alone and stay inside the house. It makes the desire to kill yourself grow stronger. But if you're around a good friend or friends you'll find your overall mood improving and eventually you'll arrive at a point where you'll feel it's okay to trust them with your burdens.
Now, I don't know if you're still attending church. I stopped going when I got depressed. It was actually wrong for me to do that. Christians have the responsibility to encourage each other. I ran away in a place where they wouldn't be able to reach out to me. I ignored messages from them, got out of the house so that our pastors couldn't catch me home when they visited.
It still worked out good for me because God reached out to me through Scripture.
But I just want to tell you right now to keep on attending. You might get tempted to drop the idea of meeting with your fellow Christians to worship but that's a bad idea.
I also want you to talk to your pastor or a counselor inside your church. Pastors are always busy but if the good ones always try to make time when they know someone in the congregation is in need, especially if they know it's a serious case. You can also opt to talk to a church elder. Our church elders are helpful people as well who care about the younger people so most of the time we find it easy to reach out to them. I hope it's the same for you and your church.
I don't know exactly what drove you to this position in life but I am going to keep praying that God helps you go through with this.
I want you to remember these words: "And we know that all things work together for good, to those who love God, to those who are called according to his purpose."
Every horrible thing that Christians go through is something that God allows us to go through so that we could be more like Jesus (Romans 8:28-29).
I want you to remember that and bury that inside your struggling heart. I want you to remember that no matter what's going on in your life, God is in control. And he loves his children no matter how small or big our faults are. He loves us even if we sin against him every day. And it's precisely because of this love that he works in us to change us and lead us to becoming more like Jesus.
I'm gonna be praying for you Anon, I'm gonna reblog this again but with some video or audio sermons attached to it since you're having trouble reading your Bible. I still want you to try if you can. Even just a chapter a day.
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lindwurm-prince · 4 years
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ok if u reblog te/rf shit and ur not one of my handful of favorite followers (in which case i will message you abt it), im unfollowing immediately im sick of doing legwork for old follows that i dont even care about
that includes rbing anything with vl/ad/the/unfoll/ower, rad/fem/bl/ack, au/n/t/ie/wan/da, app/ropr/iat/e/ly-inapp/ropri/ate, TUL/PA2, etc, contributing in the body. read urls ffs
im saying this because for so long ive heard people talking about how folks need to keep transphobes off of the dashes of trans people to protect them, and i literally just realized that also means me. im worth keeping safe, i shouldnt have to expose myself to it either. when i see a url of a transphobe im tempted to go to their blog for receipts which can, and likely will, send me into a self-loathing spiral where i start thinking hey maybe i am genetically inferior and a mistake of nature and a predator, and that shit isnt good for me! im trying to go for long periods of time without seeing that shit! and im sure its worse for trans women because 95% of that shit is directed at them!
be more careful!!
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leqf · 4 years
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Pals. I am quite high at the moment.
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When a psychopathic Narcissist asks you to marry them, run away with them, and live with them happily ever after in a house in the middle of nowhere…what do you do?
This sounds like the premise of a slasher horror movie, but I was once faced with this exact choice in August of 2016.
At the time, I did not know that I had BPD. All I had just discovered was that the person who I loved madly was a psychopathic Narcissist. As far as life-defining moments go, this one still makes the top of my list. All the research I was finding at the time was stigma infused and utterly shocking. I was appalled at what I was learning about Narcissism; I was even more repulsed, scared, and heartbroken by what this meant for our relationship.
My Narc and I had known each other for a long time, seven years to be exact. We’d had on-and-off periods, with the most recent one being from the summer of 2013 to my Narc’s sudden reappearance in May of 2016. It didn’t take long for her to turn my life upside down, of course, but what I remember the most was the thrill of it all.
Just days into our renewed contact with each other, she sent me a lovely text message that was as vibrant and promising as the blooming weather:
Hey I had this wonderful plan. I plan on buying a lot of land in the middle of nowhere, on which I’d put an ‘eco home’. I’d grow my own food and have a horse as well as my small pet now. Wanna come?? (Serious offer). Remember when we used to dream about this stuff in high school? Well guess what, it can happen now! Haha.
The thought of living with my best friend was already dreamy. We had indeed planned to move in together ever since high school. I think it really speaks to how deeply we had grown to be comfortable in each other’s presence, how close we’d become, to the point that our future plans always included each other without question. Of course, these were also the early indicators of co-dependency, but we just did not know it at the time.
We were quite happy to chat excitedly over the phone while we browsed interior decorating magazines and giggled about choices of furniture. We sighed over houses we could never afford. We fantasized about places we could never live in, most notably Chicago, because that was where one of our favourite bands was from so obviously we would have to live there, too.
We philosophized over the colours of curtains and which kinds of scented candles we would have upstairs and downstairs. We could have cats or dogs. And better yet, both! Years later, we would quietly discuss the prospect of adopting children and we solemnly vowed that if we weren’t married for love (particularly to each other) by the age of 30, that we may as well never get married at all.
When my Narc used to work exhausting factory night shifts, I would prepare a series of cute text messages for her to read while she was relaxing in the bath after work. Circumstances being what they were, we had to maintain a long-distance relationship at that point. This was my small, imaginary means of greeting her with a kiss on the cheek when she came home.
I would poetically describe a different scenario each night: cooking and eating dinner together, massaging her feet while we watched a movie, taking her coat off at the door and sweeping her into my arms, making her coffee in the morning, going shopping together, having her sneak up behind me and surprise me with a searing kiss while I was working at my computer, bringing her breakfast in bed…my imagination offered an endless supply of domestically blissful scenarios in which we found ourselves, and my Narc was quite a willing and able participant in our shared fantasies.
We meant no harm. I guess that in our minds, we already functioned like a happily married couple. There was just this little thing called reality that kept getting in our way.
Like all the best laid plans, our plan to live together never became a reality. It’s worth pointing out here that my relationship with my Narc was my only most serious and intense one. I have always been a hopeless romantic, but my Narc is truly the first person with which I imagined a life-long future with. I wanted the whole nine yards, as they say: professional fulfillment, personal happiness, a joyful family, and a wife with which to share this miraculous life with.
I was completely captivated by the connection I felt with my Narc. It took my breath away to know that she seemingly reciprocated my feelings and that I was not alone in my visions for the future. I loved her for taking my loneliness away, for encouraging me to explore my desires, and for never once trying to constrain my emotional intensity.
My Narc and I pushed the limits of each other’s imagination with graceful ease, never pausing to wonder for a moment if we were being realistic. We did not care about fracturing reality, about facts and feelings sometimes being mismatched. All we cared about was the high that we got from being together. That was enough. God, that was more than enough.
Over the years, and especially near the end of our relationship, we somehow tacitly gave each other permission for our shared imaginations to become a safe place for us to explore…darker thoughts. Sometimes we would text or email them to each other, despite feeling that it was risqué to put them out there like that.
Yet the rush we got from doing so was incomparable. I was hesitant to share my sexual fantasies with her at first, but she prompted me to be forthright about them. She told me that she didn’t mind at all, and that in fact she wanted me to be even more detailed.
It got to the point that we didn’t even have to wonder if we shared the same needs and wants; we explored everything between us from the most tender, sensual possibilities to rough, careless, wicked trysts that seemed to drip with fiery passion even through the screen.
Our influence on each other was corruptive. In our imaginations, we could do no wrong. Moral considerations paled in comparison to the power of feelings. Whatever we thought of, instantly became our reality. The greatest element of our seduction was the fact that we shared this potent, intoxicating reality.
We were, I supposed, always just on the brink of making our imaginations come true. This lent a kind of super charged energy to our interactions over the years: the promise of something more, just teasingly out of reach, yet conveyed through just a touch or a gaze. I still shiver just thinking about it.
So in truth, my Narc’s marriage proposal shouldn’t have surprised me as much as it did. She’d practically foreshadowed it a few weeks prior during one of our many late-night text fests:
You always catch me off guard. When i really love someone, i want them to be like you…
I guess what i was trying to say is when I was hopelessly in love with my ex, i wish he would’ve had half the devotion of you.
If people put the effort in as you do, no one would be divorced.
When I was a little girl imagining the love of my life and my wedding, it just didn’t cross my mind that I would fall in love head over heels with a psychopathic Narcissist. That kind of reality never factored into my imagination.
But I was abruptly faced with it in August of 2016. I’d spilled my heart and soul out to my Narc, knowing full well that she was a psychopathic Narcissist, and declared my undying love for her. More important than my message, however, was the way in which I said it; to my knowledge, I think that my Narc was exceptionally moved, caught off guard, and immensely pleased, which led her to text:
I don’t know what to say but i know that I’m blessed to have you. And everything that you are and will ever be. I hope its gonna be the rest of our lives.
Then a few moments later, she sent me eight simple words that made my breath catch in my throat:
Marry me and run away with me, ok?
And that’s how it happened: the love of my life just proposed marriage, and even though I had just discovered what NPD was, I was still seriously tempted. I remember being so excited that I ended up staying awake all night evaluating the seriousness of her proposal.
One the one hand, my feelings made no sense. I was struggling to process my already present shock, devastation, heartbreak, and rage regarding her abuse and the discovery of her Narcissism; this clashed viciously with a bewildering tenderness, hope, euphoria, arousal, and undeniable love that swirled within me like an intoxicating brew.
My imagination demanded that I surrendered to the intensity of my feelings, and just as I had become accustomed to doing, I gave into this pattern of fantasizing.
That’s why on the other hand, I was considering how profound our connection was. How striking my Narc’s presence was, and what a gorgeous young woman she was. Deeply troubled and damaged, to be sure, but then again…I already knew that.
I had plunged head first into our relationship from the start and never once wanted to let go, until holding on compromised my very life.
Come to think of it, my Narc is not exactly someone that you can easily say “no” to. We’re both very stubborn when it comes to handling rejection. But my point is that my Narc had an utterly compelling aura and charisma to her, to the point that I just had to share my observations with her:
Tonight there was such an intensity to your eyes. You looked at me once or twice with something that made my heart stop. Now I know I’m not completely unhinged okay. I just noticed a playful, wicked gleam, and something…else. Darker, even. It was fun and honest. Something that made me want to stare at you and never tear my gaze away, something to your sly smile that made me want to say yes to whatever thoughts were rattling around that pretty head of yours.
On the night my Narc proposed marriage, I did not say “yes.” I also didn’t say “no.”
Instead, I lost myself in fantasies of us together, or us against the world. Most interestingly, I found myself revisiting her most human moments:
Her penchant for drinking Dr. Pepper and crunching on Doritos. Her enjoyment of Christmas and assorted Christmas music (especially listening to Michael Buble and Frank Sinatra by the crackling fireplace). Her charming laugh. The way her rare smile illuminated her face. Her strong hands.
The photographs she showed me of her as a baby. Her blue toque. Her love of wearing all black. Her battered MP3 player. Her flowing hair spilled across the pillow, bathed in early morning light. The way she said my name.  
And I never told her any of this, but these were exactly the moments when I knew most profoundly that I was irrevocably in love with her. These were the moments that could not be faked or manipulated. Their truth was fully in how they felt. I wanted us to share those moments for the rest of our lives. Together.
At least, that was the plan.
During the moments when my circumstances overwhelm me, when reality gets in the way of all our plans, I retreat into the house we never lived in together.
This place has become a sort of refuge. I imagine that it’s in the middle of nowhere, in a cleared-out field, surrounded by tall pines. If you listen closely, you can hear a wolf howling in the distance. That’s how very far away from civilization we are.
Every time I came to this house, I would acquire a new identity, a new voice, a new purpose, a new way of being me. It is a place where my Narc and I are allowed to be alone together and to seek pleasure without consequence.
I imagine that the woman I am when I walk into that house is always different than the woman I am when I walk out of it.
Maybe it’s the way I style my hair. Or perhaps it’s the coat I put on. The meals we’ve shared. The things we’ve talked about. The nights we’ve spent. The arguments and reconciliations we’ve endured. The feelings we’ve drowned in. I am so sentimental.
Every room of the house holds a different memory, although my wish to see my Narc there remains the same. This house is where I can freely admit that I want to see her again without needing to castigate myself for this unhealthy thought. I’m simply free to think and to feel. And just like in reality, this is the place where my Narc lets me cradle the filthiest thoughts, but won’t approve or consent to them, which makes me feel dirty for even having them at all.
I am aware that using my imagination like this is known as maladaptive daydreaming. The problem is, I cannot stop. And to be perfectly honest, I cannot stop because I don’t quite want to.
You can speak to me without boundaries. I’m always intrigued by your mind. You never fail to amaze me.
My Narc and I imagined without boundaries. All things considered, this was far safer than living without boundaries. I maintain that the greatest thing we ever did was to make our minds unbound, to not put restrictions on our imaginations by sharing them earnestly and honestly.
But after a while, my mind stopped creating fantastic realities.
I clued into my hollow, aching loneliness in the face of reality. I admitted my deepest fears to my Narc once:
Another thing that frightens me is even if I have all I could ever want in life-including a loving, happy, respectful relationship-I will always somehow crave you.
And no, I don’t mean your False Self or all the ways you pretend; I do mean you.
Turns out I’m a hypocrite, too; I guess that’s only human. I’m worried that in all of my small, quiet moments, like when I’m making coffee, or getting dressed, or before sleep, or when I’m driving somewhere, I’m always going to find you-because I want you to be there.
I can’t give in, but I want to. I think…I also need to. In some moments it’s tiring to pretend otherwise.
I need it like a heart needs blood to beat, and I want it the way a desert wants rain. I used to be ashamed of my feelings for you, especially after I found out about your Narcissism, but not anymore. It’s pointless to carry shame for feelings, and in my case it’s impossible because I literally run on pure, intensified emotion.
You said once that you were glad you found it within yourself to reciprocate the same feeling I gave you (namely, love, only you didn’t admit that). That’s exactly why I need reciprocity, because if I don’t have it, then I feel empty.
Your reciprocity would be my euphoria.
So really, my pain isn’t coming from the fact that I’m in love with someone I can never have; I could have you. We could have each other. That’s not the problem. Sure, I put in place fail safes. Because I know my weaknesses. Many people are here to support me and ensure that I don’t crumble; I made it all but impossible for you to intrude into my life again. 
What I struggle with actually is how right it feels when I’m with you (until it all goes wrong, of course). How easy it would be for me to completely give into what I want.
You.
In the face of these fears, our house in the middle of nowhere became the safest place for me to go, somewhere that her and I could see each other again, far from the mocking world.  A place where this fear is not a fear, but the spark which lights desire and makes us come alive.
Some days I pray we don’t run into each other ever again. Other days there is nothing that I want more than for us to hurtle into each other’s’ arms, just the way we used to do.
But here’s the thing about imagination: it only builds on what you already know.
I know that my Narc is abusive. I know that her cruelty and cold, emotionless façade had become immensely tiresome. I know that I resented her apathy and hated her for every single way that she hurt me.
When I consider what I know, rather than just what I feel, I find that I cannot stay in our house for long. So let me rephrase my original question:
When an abusive psychopathic Narcissist asks you to marry them in order to emotionally manipulate you, insists that you compromise your own health, safety, happiness, and work to run away with them, and implies that you should drop all your family, friends, connections, and goals to be confined to a house in the middle of nowhere…what do you do?
If you follow in my footsteps, you will go No Contact.
Survivors talk about recovering from their abusers, yet no one seems to talk about how hard it is to retrieve your own feelings from them. Recovery is supposed to mean that you hate your abuser, that you despise them, that someday you are numb to them and could care less about their existence.
You’re supposed to change your number. Change your locks. Change cities. You have to stop listening to all the songs you loved. Stop visiting your old haunts. Stop stalking their social media.
You must especially stop having feelings for your abuser. You’re simply not allowed to. It’s wrong. And it’s wrong even more so when you have every reason to celebrate going No Contact with an abusive Narcissist. 
I know all this. But since I am living with BPD, I also know that my feelings just go on and on and on and on. 
I wonder, when will it all end?
In the aftermath of love and abuse, the truth is that I still love my Narc…my abuser. I still wonder about her and what she’s doing. I have to particularly turn my thoughts away from considering if she’s married or if she has any children. I stop myself from wondering where she is and who she is with. I don’t want to know who she’s become. Dwelling on that too much would take away whatever sanity I happen to have left.
And whenever I find myself at the doorstep of that house I imagine for us, I let my hand rest softly on the doorknob. 
Because I still want to find her there when I open the door.
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stariousfalls · 6 years
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Aww... You should! Make videos, I mean. Theres like a bunch of stuff you can do. But as a personal advice, maybe stick to fandom related stuff. This really has nothing to do with that Im Interested in, or me telling you what do (tbh you really shouldnt care what ppl think as long as it makes you happy), BUT I know you have a lot of fandoms, and if thats your passion (like it is mine) than you should make videos about it. Idk just a suggestion. Tbh im down for anything you do 😘💘
(2/2): I actually also think you would do amazing vlogs!! I know you like to talk about stuff that excites you and Its always pleasant to see people doing things they love! 😘💘
That is true, it should be over stuff that makes me happy. :’) I’ve thought about doing a mix of stuff: vlogs, fandom stuff, and advice/story stuff, heck even reacting to stuff since I like to watch a bunch of stuff. Also I’ve also wanted to try answering messages on tumblr and doing a FAQ video but with my face. Though thank you for sending some helpful and nice messages, friend! It’s messages and comments like this that really tempt me to go through with it. :D
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fairycosmos · 7 years
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it's my birthday tomorrow and all i wanna do is cut and cry i'm so fucked up why is my brain like this
hey, it’s okay. just breathe for a minute. relax your shoulders. unclench your jaw. pour yourself a glass of water. it’s alright. you’re not fucked up, seriously. you’re just dealing with some bullshit and that’s nothing to be ashamed of. i mean it. i’m sorry to hear that things are so bad for you right now, love. please don’t fall into the trap of thinking that this is how it’s always going to be because it’s not, it’s temporary even if it doesn’t feel like it is, you know? and anyway, it’s okay to cry. cry your heart out if you want to, scream into your pillow, yell at the top of your voice. just let it out. emotions are the most natural thing in the world. it’s okay to be sad as long as you’re dealing with it in a healthy way, and it takes a lot of time to learn how to do that but you can teach yourself to develop a better mindset and better coping mechanisms over time, it’s not impossible. you’re strong enough to survive whatever it is that you’re going through, i know you are. you can actually endure a lot more than you think you can, and i hope one day you’ll be able to look back on this and be proud that you managed to get through it. because i know you can’t see it yet, i know that when you’re feeling so down you can’t envision any kind of happy future for yourself but it’s there and it’s waiting for you, okay? so just keep taking it one day at a time, just keep getting up each morning and trying. if you’re doing that then you’re doing just fine.
listen, you’re feeling the urge to cut right now, but that doesn’t mean you have to. it’s not set in stone and what happens next is completely down to you. you’re in control. you know that if you do it, it’ll make you feel better for 5 minutes and then even worse for the next 5 months because the scars will remain, and they’ll remind you of it and that’ll just tempt you to do it again. it’s a vicious cycle and it’s up to you to break it. so please try to hold yourself back from self harming in any way that you can. once you get in the habit of not doing it, it gets a lot easier to avoid the urges. trust me, just ride it out. i know you know that it’s extremely dangerous, i know you probably don’t care. i know you know that it could kill you and i’m sorry that you’ve gotten to the point where you don’t care what happens to you because that’s not the way it should be at all. you matter, you’re always going to matter because you’re alive which means you have an inherent worth, and that worth can’t be taken away from you. not even by your own mind.
please check out these links if u want bc they’ll be able to help/distract you and they’ll prevent you from hurting yourself -
http://www.adolescentselfinjuryfoundation.com/page11
http://www.teenhelp.org/forums/f12-self-harm/t9418-alternatives-self-harm/
https://blogs.psychcentral.com/weightless/2012/06/10-ways-to-cope-with-sadness/
https://greatist.com/happiness/face-your-feelings-how-handle-sadness-and-pain
https://www.takingcharge.csh.umn.edu/enhance-your-wellbeing/health/thoughts-emotions/deal-negativity-healthy-way
http://imwiththeclouds.tumblr.com/post/38347319557/100-reasons-to-why-you-shouldnt-commit-suicide
like i said before, emotions are human and natural but it’s seriously okay to need help dealing with them. most people do at some point in their lives. idk how old you are, but if you’re school-age then your school will definitely have a counselor or nurse you can talk to about it. i can feel you rolling your eyes but they’re there to help and they’re not going to work against you, they’re just going to be there for you. it’s taking that first crucial step, that’s what’s important. and it’s okay to feel weird and awkward about it, that’s normal, as long as you remind yourself that those are just feelings and that getting help is a lot bigger than your own comfort zone. just don’t knock it before you’ve tried it, you know? there are a lot of people that have been through what you’re going through and they managed to move past it because they were brave enough to try. i know you are, too. it doesn’t matter if your mind is screaming at you to shut up, as long as you find it in you to tell someone what’s going on then that’s all that matters. like i said, it can be a counselor, a parent (unless they already know or unless telling them will put you in an unsafe situation) a teacher, a friend, a doctor. there are so many avenues of help and advice available, don’t close yourself off from it. please. 
if you’re not school-age, i’d really recommend talking to your doctor about how you’re feeling is that’s a possibility. i don’t know if you’re diagnosed with any sort of mental illness, but issues with your mental health are JUST as important as issues with your physical health and they require just as much medical attention, you know?  i know it’s hard. i know it’s a lot easier said than done. but you have to make yourself a priority here, you have to force your mind to care about yourself enough in order to do what’s right for you. if for some reason you can’t see a doctor, there’s hotlines you can call and mental health organisations that offer help and support, if you google it you’ll find the number/organizations in your area. my point is, is that there are more people that are there for you than you think, okay? you’re not alone. you’re not a fuck up. you’re human and you’re trying and that’s what counts. 
happy birthday for tomorrow, i hope you’re feeling a bit better when you wake up and that the day goes really well for you angel!! you deserve to be so fucking happy and i really think you will be eventually, if you just find a way to kick the self harm and to get the help you really need. just take it one step at a time, alright? check out those links and keep fighting the impulses, and then when you’re ready try to talk to someone about what’s going on. it doesn’t have to be today, or tomorrow cause it’s ur birthday and all, but it should be soon, yeah? just keep going. please please please message me if you want to talk more about it or if you ever need a friend. i’m always here. 
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corasanheart · 7 years
Text
Not a useless person
Fanfiction based on: Mob Psycho 100
Category: romic and angst
Pairing: Tome Kurata/Tokugawa
                                                                   Chapter 1
“Telepathy club is hereby disbanded”.
Her words echoed in her head again pushing more tears on her cheeks. Tome was passing winter break mostly like this, closed in her house in front of many books left casually open. After her parents went away for a travel in the suggestive sight of snowy mountains, (they do not take her because it was for her best she stayed to study) the house fell in a total silence broken only by her sighs. She was thinking at the time wasted on doing nothing with guys that didnt care about her at all. Tome founded her club with a deep desire, maybe crazy or creepy, but in which she truly wanted to believe. She was glad to share her passion with other people thinking maybe they are interested too. Fool! Who is so fool to believe in aliens? And telepathy too… They were only searching a club where laze around without any specific goal to think about and yeah.. the “telepathy club” seems the better to fit with this. Tome was the only one enjoying this club all this time. And so this is finished leaving her with an empty mind. Three years of any memories. Now at least she had to make up for study. There are so many things she didnt understand yet. Finding an alien maybe its easier…
Tokugawa approached the house and looked closely at the little sheet in his hand. “This is the address. I wonder whose..”. He glanced at the doorbell and read “Kurata”. That rang him a bell but he just couldnt remember where had heard it. He just pushed it and waited. Someone opened the door as fast as closed it. - What the.. what happened?-.      The girl, actually Tome, just shouted -Why are you here?!- “Maybe he knew I was continuing secretly the club” -I’ve already disbanded it if you wanted to know that!- with the voice little broken. Tokugawa remained silent for a moment elaborating -What club?- “She has to be the one from the Fake club” -Aah that club. I’m not here for that. Anyway it occured months ago.. why do you come up with that so suddenly?-. She opened a bit the door and mormored something. Then just said -Enter-.
Tokugawa sat properly on the sofa and released a deep sigh before of starting to explain. Tome just sat quite far from him unsure on what expecting. -I’m here for this-. He put a piece of paper on the little table in front of them. -You, I suppose, left this message on my school desk in which you beg me for help you to study and there is also your address-. Tome blinked her eyes several times before answer: -I didnt do that! And I would never ask for YOUR help-. -Ah..So do you have any idea of who could have done it? I dont know, someone who might thinks you need my help-. Tome startled. -I dont know..- “someone who cares about me?!” -It must be a stupid joke! So I think you can leave now-.                    Tokugawa was watching her carefully in silence.
-What? Are you listening??-.
He just said seriously: -I will help you-. -Whaaat?! I dont need it!-
“She’s got marks under her eyes. She was crying. Is so desperate for the exam?. I cant just ignore it”.  -I dont think so-.
-You are so stubborn, I told you I dont need any help!-
-Tome..-
-Indeed I just cant stand your presence in my house in this moment-
-Tome..-
-And I can manage to study on my own. Ive already all under control-
-Tome..-
-So dont get worried for nothing and..-
She stopped in fear after has noticed tokugawa creepy face.
-Just shut up Tome -
Tome gulped “Maybe I should call the police” but then just mormored an -Ook-. Then she guided Tokugawa to her room. He sweated a bit “Why she invited me to her room so suddenly?! It’s so naive. If I was another guy I would have taken advantage of the situation. Lucky her, im not interested..”. When he entered the room paralyzed. “What on earth..”. Tome’s room was fully painted with a Universe pattern and covered with strange psychedelic posters of unearthly things and some pieces of old newspapers about ufo apparitions. While on the floor there was a mess of colourful packages, some of them containing every sort of snack and others just being garbage. “This is way more shocking of Kamuro’s room”. Tome sat at the desk trying to put some order. Tokugawa came closer behind her.
-Sorry there’s only one chair. Did it bother you?- she said. “Yeah maybe this convinces him to leave”. “She is just too lazy to bring me a chair from the living room” -No Im ok like this. So in what subject do you have more problems?-.
“All of them but I dont want to seem stupid or like I need help” -Im ok with everything like I said, but math..-. -Mm let me see-. He took the math notebook from Tome’s hands. Tome froze. He took a quick look to all her notes and exercises to judge in which seems in more trouble. Then he return the book to Tome.. after using it to hit her head. -Is plenty of nonsensical sketches. Can you just pay attention to the lessons, cant you? Anyway firstly I’ll help you with basic and symple notions and then with exercises-. Tome foreshadowed a huge headache for this.
It seems like Tome wasnt in a desperate situation. She managed to solve several exercises (Tokugawa’s advices on some of them were of help too, she had to admit it). -Now come the difficult one-. Tome remained with a ‘what’ face. Tokugawa wrote down the equation. Tome, trying to regain confidence, started to fill the paper of scribbles that could fit but something stopped her. -No. You cant start like this-. A hand took the pen from Tome. Tokugawa’s chin leaned on Tome’s shoulder while he explained the resolution. Tome looked at his face expecting the usual angry gaze but instead he was too concentrate on what he was doing.   She hadnt never see him like this and not this close to her. He wasnt ugly but for somewhat reason he was extremely pale. That gave him a more vulnerable aspect. Tome blushed a little without caring what he was saying. He suddenly turned around and paused. The creepy face returned. -You’re not listening. Why are you staring?-
She gulped -No,no,no I heard everything. I swear it!-. Tokugawa sighed. “Maybe I shouldnt do much pressure on her. Is she really so desperate only for exams? Anyway she had cried for somewhat reason, it’s normal she is a little distracted”. Tokugawa stood up. -Tome I know you are worried, but you have to pay attention if you want..-.
He stopped and close his eyes. Then fell on Tome’s lap. Tome froze and after a second let out a scream: -Aaaah!What are you doing?!-. He fell on the floor without any reaction. “Oh.. He is not moving. Is he dead!? Is it my fault?? I havent done anything!”. She turned him panicking. “Oh. He is ok. He just passed out”. Tome was tempted to leave him there like this but in the end thought at least to carry him on her bed.
“Hgnn he is pretty heavy” she struggled until finally managed to lay him down. Then came nearer with the chair to look at him. She osserved the Vice president thinking of what could have weakened him to this state. He is the kind of strong and overwhelming guy and it’s just of discouragement to see him like this.
Tome kept to stare at him when noticed something wrong on his face. It was a lock of hair that escaped from his fixed hairstyle. It was so strange. She hasnt, anyone hasnt ever seen him with a single hair out of place. But seeing him like this made Tome feels a bit strange. “Im curious on how he would look like with messy hair”. She, without thinking to much on what she was doing, tryed to get closer to Tokugawa and to place her hand on his hair. But something immediately stopped her.
One hand of the Vice president held her wrist tighly. “Wha-a-t? Is he awaken? He still had his eyes closed though”. Tome felt embarassement on what she has tryed to do and just blushed and stayed still. Suddenly all the force in Tokugawa’s arm faded. It fell on the bed dragging also Tome’s arm that couldnt help but lose balance on the Vice president.
Tome didnt know how to behave instead of remain still and turning all red.
       (the end in the next chapter)
Notes:
it’s my first fanfiction ^-^ im happy ~~
chapter 2 will be posted next week
sorry for my bad english really; Ive checked it several times to not leave big mistakes but surely you still can find some others (a ton of others)
sorry my writing is strange *-* if there’s something incomprehensible you can ask
any comment is accepted
and ideas too
hope you to enjoy this ship
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britt-tay-nilsen · 4 years
Text
-- Zude love
ch.8- Moving - - Zero grunted as he dropped another heavy box into the pile. Some time had passed and the pans to move was set. The house had been renovated and done. All that was left to do was move in. As he turned to go grab another box he bumped into Jude who was carrying a box himself. "Woah" Jude shouted stumbling slightly which caused Zero to reach out to steady him and the box he was carrying. "Hey sorry, are you okay" Zero asked releasing him as he steadied. "Yah Im good, lets go get the other boxes" Jude said patting Zeros arm after he set the box down. "Yah, hey when are your brothers and sister getting here" Zero asked as they walked back to the big pile of boxes that still needed to be moved. Travis, Dominic and Cassandra had said that they would come over and help with moving all the stuff. "I talked to Dominc not that long ago, there on there way now, shouldnt be much longer" Jude answered as the each grabbed more boxes. After about four more boxes total, two each the doorbell rang. "I'll get it" Jude annonced and made his way to the door as Zero grabbed another box. Zero heard the voices and footsteps coming closer until Jude reentered the room along with his three siblings coming in behind him. Zero straightened up from putting a box down and turned to greet the newcomers. "Hey, welcome, just grab a box and make yourselves useful" he said motioning with his head before grabbing another box. Jude let out a laugh and grabbed a box himself while his siblings all rolled there eyes at Zero fondly but complied and grabbed three boxes in between the three of them. With five people doing the work instead of two alot more got done. But still with all the boxes and stuff there was it did take a lot of time, though not as long as it would if it was just Jude and Zero. Zero went to the kids room to get there stuff since despite all the boxes already packed up and ready not alot of it was the kids. Natalya and Traxton still had things that needed to be packed. But that could wait until the kids were actually there to help. So for now everything was done until further notice so they were done with the hard work. Zero, Jude, Travis, Dominic and Cassandra decided to go out for some lunch to relax plus all that hard work made them hungry and it was noon which was the perfect time for lunch. They spent the time joking around and catching up when there food got there. Zero got the classic salad as always to keep that basketball figure. Jude and Dominc both got the caplum surprise and Cassandra just got a normal slice of pizza. When they were done they decided to say goodbye and headed there seperate ways. "We still have more things that we need to finish packing up" Jude explained to his siblings who quickly understood and accepted. When they finally got back and entered the house Zero rolled his head back and rubbed his neck groaning "Im tired" he said. Jude let out a huff of a laugh "it was your idea to move, dont forget that" he said quickly ducking when Zero threw a pillow at him. After that the couple went back to moving boxes and putting stuff in the empty ones. After they had finished packing the household thing and there indivual things they started to finally do Natalya and Traxton. The kids had said they wanted to help but Natalya was at school and Taylor had taken Traxton out for a mommy son day. Jude grabbed two empty boxes and handed one to Zero before putting the other infront of himself. "I'll start on Nattie, you do Traxt" he said motioning. Zero nodded "okay" and with that they started. Jude went to Natalya's room with the box while Zero started grabbing Traxton's toys and things that were lingering around in the livingroom and the kitchen. Alright got all of this" Zero mumbled standing up "now to get the stuff from his room". Going up the stairs he passed Natalya's room where Jude had almost fully filled the first box with his daughters stuff and was going to need another box preety soon. Zero watched for a second before picking his box back up and passed the room to go to Traxtons. Getting in there Zero decided the first thing he should pack was the toys since there was already some in that box. Traxton definetley was the toddler that loved toys and had many of them. All of his toys mostly filled that box but there was room to put alittle bit of other stuff in there. As he was working Zero could hear Jude go down the stairs huffing as he carried a heavy box. About a minute later he heard Jude coming up with another box no doubt. Finally Zero finished with the first box of Traxton's things and lifted the box up to bring it downstairs. As he passed the little girls room again he saw Jude in the middle of the second box. Zero had no idea how Jude was able to work so fast but he grabbed another box and went back to the boys room. He worked as much as he could with time flying by when suddenly he heard a knock. He turned around to see Natalya and Traxton and after that he was going to go to his apartment to pick up some things from there. Plus he wanted to just relax there one last time before it was officially sold and they all moved into the new house. Zero went back to the pent house and walked around it with a sigh. reminsing about everything and all the memories this place had. He remembered when he first moved in there, he never at that time thought that this was how his life would turn out. He had just started getting big in his career when he moved in and didnt even know Jude of his kids yet. Natalya was just a baby ad Traxton wasnt even born yet. Zero used to be a man who didnt care for anyone but himself and only wanted to have fun. He never had a serious relationship and only did one stand hook ups. He never even wanted one, nor did he want kids or a family. But then everything changed when Jude came back to town. There was just something about Jude that just drew Zero in and made Zero forget about everything else. From the first interaction they ever ha. When they first met Zero had wanted him, a hunger lit inside of him. He had never felt that way before. Atleast not in that sense. It was different from what he had felt for anyone in his entire life. Jude had known how Zero was though and would not give in to him. Zero had quickly figured out that he was going to do everything and anything to win over Jude's heart. He was determined to have Jude and in the end with alot of hard work he actually managed to get him. Sure they still had problems here and there but they now knew how to work through them. And they always did together. Snapping out of his thoughts Zero smiled and sighed, he got up from the floor and decided it was time to go back to the apartment. It was slightly dark now, the sun going down by now. When Zero got back to the house. It was dark inside and there was no sign of Jude or either of the kids. The only light was a simple lamp on the corner table. Zero went room from room looking but got no results. He was confused because he knew he was at his old place longer than Jude could be at his. He pulled out his phone to see if he had any new text messages or missed calls from Jude but he had none. He was even more confused why Jude was out for so long and why didnt he notifie him. They always let eachother know when they were going to be longer than expected. "What the fuck" he whispered before quickly sending Cassandra a text message asking if Jude was with her or if she knew where he was. He soon got a text bck saying Jude and the kids had stopped by the mansion and ended up falling asleep there. She also said that if Zero wanted he could go and stay at the mansion as well. It was tempting, that wasnt a lie but he decided to politely decline. He figured the Kinkade's deserved to have some time together just them. Going up to the bedroom Zero fell asleep soon after he layed down. He only had some trouble falling alseep and staying asleep without Jude laying next to him. He groaned and stretched when he woke up the next morning. Almost immdiatley hearing the house door opening and heard the sound of footsteps and voices talking becoming clearer and louder. The bedroom door opened and Zero was greeted with Jude in the doorway looking at him with a gentle smile. Sighing Zero started to get up from the bed when Traxton came barging into the room pushing the door open fully with force letting it bang in to the wall and he clampered up on the bed. "trax be careful" Zero lectured but pulled the little boy into his arms anyway. Traxton just giggled before wiggling immdietley back out of his lap and began running again almost slamminginto the wall with his body this time but was stopped by Jude putting his arm out to steady him. Once Traxton regained footwork he immdiatley started running out of the bedrrom. Zero and Jude shared a look before following him out. When they got out there Zero saw Natalya already sitting on the couch watching cartoons on the television. Zero silently sat down next to her and Traxton joined as Jude went into the kitchen to get breakfast ready. Zero sat down for alittle bit before getting up and walking into the kitchen. "Do you need any help" he asked, his voice groggy with sleep and tiredness. Jude whipped around in surprise, not hearing him enter but quickly smiled. "Im okay sleepyhead" Jude laughed and grabbed the plates from the counter and put them down at the table as the kid came in. Zero sipped on his coffee watching Jude set up the food for everyone, setting four plates with one infront of Zero. The other three in empty seats that would be filled soon enough. "Nat, Trax sit down and eat" Jude said to the kids that were still running around. Jude sat down in one of the seats leaving the other two for the kids. At the mention of food both kids quickly made there way to the table and hopped in the chairs hungry and excited. The adults laughed and Jude got back up to help Traxton properly in his seat while Natalya was already starting to eat. The family of four sat together eating. They talked about all diffent types of theings and let both kids have some imput on topics too. Soon after they ate Natalya and Jude went up to the little girls room so she could get ready for school leaving Zero and Traxton alone downstairs. "So what do you wanna do Trax" Zero asked the three year old picking him up and carrying him into the livingroom. "Cartoons" Traxton exclaimed giggling making Zero laugh. "Alright alright" Zero chuckled putting Traxton on the couch and putting on the cartoons knowing Traxton likes, the ones he always watches. Zero sat down on the couch and and pulled out his phone on the couch casually scrolling though it. The theme song for the show started which made Zero laugh again. "What's so funny" Jude asked as h and Natalya came back down the stairs. "Nothing much" Zero answered before adressing the little girl "have a good day at school Nat". "Thanks Zero" Natalya beamed before turning to Jude "come on daddy I dont wanna be late to see my friends." "Alright lets go" Jude urged, Natalya was still going to school there but was going to be transfering to a diffrent school when they got to the new house. After good byes Jude and Natalya left leaving just Traxton and Zero in the house. Jude was going to be going straight to th stadium after dropping Natalya off at school so he wouldnt be going back home. The rest of the day zoomed by preety fast despite it not really having any thing to do for Zero, spending all day watching Traxton. The next day would be when they finally moved. Goodbye old house, hello new house. -----
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fusamitsu · 4 years
Text
1/5/20
It’s 3 am and I find myself here again. Ricky left Friday night, and with that life has gotten a lot....quieter. I find myself slipping back into a routine that I used to find very familiar. A routine of waking up and not expecting a message. A routine of hanging out the lads and the brigade all day and just playing games. Having a good time and laughing. A routine that used to feel normal to me.
Jodi asked me if I wanted to be a mod again. I remember the first time I declined because I was in school and I don’t like half assing things. But this time I told her yes. I think that something like this will be good for me. Not just because its something that I can commit to, but also because I feel like this is my way of giving back. I know the community, and they know me, and if I can give someone the support that this community has given me, then I want to be able to do that. And hopefully this can be good for me to. Hopefully this will help me to continue to make connections on Twitch. Who knows what this can turn into. If anyone, you never know what kind of people are going to walk into your life at any moment.
And out and the same time. I ended up asking Ricky if he could give you the keyboard. I honestly dont even think youre going to open it. For some reason I feel like youre just going to shove it in your closet and never look at it again. If you are somehow reading this though then that means you found the note that I left you. For the longest time I didn’t want you to see this part of my thoughts. But I think its important. My optimism doesnt come without fault. Im not naive. Its not that I dont see or think these things, its just that I choose not to believe them.
I uh.... I dont know what Kris has been telling you. I dont know what you guys have been saying about me. What you guys have been saying about our friendship or whatever the hell you want to call it. There were a couple of things that were said that have been bugging me for awhile though. Some things you kris said, something that you said, and something that I said. Kris said something to me along the lines of, “you were never a choice, only a temptation. You dont really care about sabs”.
That made my blood boil. It still does. 
Not because I care what Kris thinks. I honestly, could give a shit what Kris thinks.
But because I don’t want you to think there is ever a world or scenario that exists where I don’t care about you. I would hope that you know that, and I hope that perception never changes. And I know exactly where his idea of temptation comes from. I’ve heard it before. It comes from religion. That love is selfless, and that sin is the expression of selfishness. The Idea that if you truly loved someone, you wouldn’t encourage them be tempted. But you know what the flip of that arguement is, if you truly love someone it shouldnt become a question of resisting temptations.
But honestly the thing that hurt me the most is what you said to me. I don’t know if you remember; but I told you I thought you were making a mistake by leaving. You looked me in the eyes and told me that I was the mistake. That hurt me... a lot. 
And I’ve been thinking about what I said to you a lot too. I said that I loved you. I wont forget the face that you made when I said that. I cant even describe it, and I cant imagine what was going through your head when I said that. 
But with what has happened recently its made me question... What does it mean to love someone?
You care for mental/ physical well being?
You want to be there for them when they need help?
You would do anything to make them smile?
You cant stop thinking about them?
When they’re happy you’re happy? Or when they’re upset, it hurts you too?
Or that you put their happiness first? Whether you like it.... Or not. Because you know you’d rather have them happy. Even if it means that its not you making them happy anymore. 
I still don’t know. You always said that I deserved someone that made me their first choice. And I knew you were right, but it didnt matter what you said. 
I think that I was in love of the idea of who you could be. The idea of the one that did put me first. The idea of what things could be like if all those other problems didnt exist. 
I know that you have a lot to figure out still. A lot that you still feel you need to see to the end. A lot of things that you feel need to be fixed. That you may run out of grass someday. That the grass is greener on the side of the fence that you choose to water.
I talked to everyone saying that It was really weird that you said you’ve never smiled when kissing someone. Everyone else thought that was really odd too. I hope that you can experience that one day.
I was really hoping you were the beginning to my autumn, but it looks like you were just another day of my summer. 
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paulheenleonidas · 5 years
Text
a lifestyle set apart
(For those reading This is for mature Christians; people that have had a deeper relationship with Jesus. So if we are not Christian or dont have a intimate relationship with Jesus this can go to another longer explanation which i will save for another post. so may not necessarily apply to you.....But Generally Christianity its not about changing your lifestyle or living by a rule book. Its about being in love with our papa Jesus. having a close bond/relationship with papa. When Papa comes into our life He changes our hearts and the things "of this world" no longer satisfy our hearts and desires like they use to. our hearts change therefore changing our value and belief system. This can be a lengthy conversation so please feel free to message or comment about it if you have any questions, comments, concerns) Walking with Jesus is all about love, grace, mercy having that intimate one on one papa loving time with our Papa.But alot of times its also about discipline. living a life set apart. Being a child of light not of darkness. We no longer watch movies of certain ratings, genres, extreme dark secular movies, books, secular music, we dont talk like we use to, act, think, feel when we're walking with Jesus. We dont go to certain places, have certain habits, even leaving old mind sets, emotions, way of thinking or doing life. Sometimes even cutting certain people out of our lives. basically anything that doesnt edify your spirit. It's discipline because we have to practice it till we reach a lifestyle set apart. Because we live in a "secular society" in our work places, schools, communitites, etc..... we are daily tempted to live a life of darkness. We have to disicipline our minds and hearts to be Christ like. Sometimes its not following "the crowd", the most popular thing, our friends or people in our communities. being willing to be a light. be "set apart" and lts okay that we look absolutely different from everyone else or that we dont "fit in" or we are "left out" or we dont fit the shape or mold of what a person of our age or of this society looks like. We shouldnt let society or the pressure of society shape how we should live. But let Jesus mold us into His image. Many Christians compromise who they are, lifestyle and what they believe to fit in to society and allow the pressure of society to shape who they are rather than Christ. Sometimes its developing and having a spiritual discipline. discipline is not always comfort or easy or doesnt happen over night. you have to develop it. discipline like anything else in life; disciplining to work out and eat right when your trying to live healthier. discipline to eat only vegan food if your vegan. its an acquired practice that is developed into our lives.  it doesnt always happen right away or over night but we should acquire to gain a life of spiritual disicipline. Having accountability, mentors and living in community that will help us sustain this discipline in our lives can be helpful to our growth. its easier to do it with friends than to do it alone.... 
2 Corinthians 5:1717 Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, the new creation has come:[a] The old has gone, the new is here!
14 Do not be unequally yoked together with unbelievers. For what [a]fellowship has righteousness with lawlessness? And what [b]communion has light with darkness?-2 Corinthians 6:14  
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juvia-selene-blog · 6 years
Text
I lied on my sheet, resting my head on my favorite pink pillow, feet on another. I wrapped myself with my blanket, not minding the hot temperature inside my room. The fan above my head is making noises as it sends ample air on my face. Well, maybe just enough for me to breathe. I cleared my throat. It seems that I still haven't gotten my voice back. I was sent home last night from work because i can't utter a single word clearly. I know what caused it for sure. The donuts i ate were to blame. I had too much just to indulge myself. Silly thought, i made food my ultimate distraction. It's quite effective though, highly recommended for broken-hearted individuals. Shit, i came across with the thought that i'm broken again.
Staring at the ceiling, thoughts started to visit me ...of his dark brown eyes looking straight into mine everytime he speaks, his huge hand caressing every surface of my being, his soft lips saying all the things i wanna hear. He's a man i never thought i'd fall inlove with. Since the day he left me, i'm totally disorganized. I knew that day will come. His girlfriend sure has the right over him more than i do. We just spent five months together but I felt like i've known him too well. Too well? But why am i still so bothered about whether or not he's missing me too? Uggh, i know i keep on missing him. Why am i still thinking about him? I shouldn't. This is another bad idea, i know. I should rest and sleep.
I closed my eyes slowly. I tried to keep them glued together so i won't be tempted to open them again and welcome more thoughts of my short-term romantic hero. Then i finally fell asleep.
I'm on my way to my locker, excited to spend my weekend after another draining week at work. The queue is a never ending battlefield, i have to fill my tumbler with water all the time to save my voice. Well, that's the thing for call centers, I should be ready to face countless customers everytime.
Breathe Psyche, breathe. I kept on reminding myself. I opened my locker and took my bag off. Again, i saw all his notes greeting me for a job well done. The job is to survive the week at work of course. I smiled then left.
I took the stairs as usual. The pain of him forgetting me was no longer too glaring in my eyes. I tried to forget the existence of stairs for a week because it reminds me a lot of our memories there, but taking the stairs is not his thing, it's mine. Elevators are making me dizzy. Most of the time, it's too loaded that i can't move freely. I hate crowded places. I'm also not a claustrophobic but i just don't like the feeling of being with people enclosed in a limited space.
After all the self-talking about what i like and don't like, I'm finally ten steps from the ground floor. I took one step at a time then glanced at the sign saying "GF" (stands for ground floor) then bowed my head again to watch my feet moving down the step. F*ck. I'm sure i saw him. Should i stop? should i look again? Without waiting for an answer, i looked at the man standing straight in front of me with my eyes wide open. I was shocked. Nervous. Clueless of what to do next. My world is an awkward pause. It's him. And he's shocked too, although i'm not sure. How did he enter the building? Come on, Psyche. What are you talking about? He can always register his name as a visitor or maybe i'm wrong. I don't know. Obviously, I can't think right.
Enough with all the silence, Psyche. You have to say something! Jeez, i'm sure i obviously look so conscious. So I cleared my throat, ready to say hi. But he asked me first how i am. Stupid question. Of course I said I'm fine. His eyes turned darker, giving me a signal that he's about to cry. Is he missing me too? Well, i shouldn't entertain another stupid idea. I smiled at him with a nod as a way of saying goodbye then i took my first step away from him. Just before i took my second, he grabbed my arm and gave me a tight embrace. I don't know but i don't want to escape. I just want to feel his arms around me again. Tears started to fall down my cheeks... and all i can say is "I miss you". He responded, "I miss you too. You have no idea." After such a long time, i can smell his scent again, the fragrance that i've been longing, the only warmth that can make my broken pieces whole. I want that moment to last forever. If only i could stop time when we're together. He said nothing else but "I'm sorry." Again and again. Then he touched my cheek, controlling my face toward his and said "You know i still love you, don't you?" I bowed, then answered, "I thought you no longer do. I thought you never did." He frowned. I reached for a kiss on his cheek. He then directed my chin for a kiss on his lips which i willingly allowed him to do. His taste never changed. I never stopped loving his kisses. I don't know if Cupid is enjoying the scene or he's angered by us being hardheads. We both know we shouldnt meet. We shouldn't talk. We shouldn't hug. And most of all, we shouldn't kiss. But why do we tend to forget the rules everytime we see each other? It's heating me up and only for his lips will i reach with a tiptoe. Shit, Psyche. This is all a dream. You should wake up. Don't get yourself too carried away. Open your eyes!
After that self-yell, I woke up. I immediately stood up to slap my face and do a bodyshake. Stupid dream. Why can't I just move on and forget him? Stop haunting me Mr. Frost, it isn't funny!
I opened my door to allow fresh air inside my system and took a deep breath.
My phone beeped. Thinking that it's something that will make me forget thoughts of him, i checked on it. One message received. Who would send me a text when nobody knows my number? I was expecting it's from the network but another surprise hit me like lightning. It's from him. I read the message:
"Hey. How are you? Slept at my station and dreamt that I visited the office. Then I took the stairs and saw you there. Lol.
I hope you're better now. Smile and heart please."
What the ?! We both had the same dream. No, that couldn't be possible. Such coincidence could only happen in movies. I need to get myself checked.
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jess-oh · 6 years
Text
Reflection
Hello blog,
it’s been a while. I really hope and pray that no one reads this anymore or at least doesn’t read this post. So if you are reading this, please skip over it. I don’t care if it’s in the future and this is an old post. Skip it. Please.
Just me? Okay cool.
So....i’ve got a lot on my mind and they arent necessarily all good. i think ive been struggling with indentity issues lately and figuring out who i am and who i want to be. i really like michaela and i just got back from playing D&D with her and her friend and i honestly had a good time! but on my way there, i was questioning myself. i thought about how much alcohol we would drink and how much i would just shrug it off and say that it’s fine. when it really wasnt. i was uncomfortable and past me would have never put myself in that position. So why do I keep doing that to myself? Purposely finding places where I could drink and wanting to in an effort to fit in. Why do I care so much? I know that I shouldn’t but I do. And I don’t think it’s a matter of feeling alone. It’s just a matter of wanting more friends and not wanting to be gossiped about or ostracized. 
I also think I’ve been feeling a bit more insecure lately too. I have been more prone to gossip and I realized that I when I previously vented about people, just because I didn’t say their name, it didnt mean that i wasnt gossiping. Because I was. Even if I kept that anonymous, I was still talking smack about them. And then I started questioning the line of gossip. Is venting gossip? Is talking smack in an effort to feel better about yourself gossip? It’s not always so clean and simple where you are intentionally talking badly about someone for the sake of talking badly. I want to spend more time with myself, by myself and figure myself out without influence from outside forces. And I do feel bad because Loren has been messaging me kinda often when I can’t exactly talk on the phone. And I do want to be there for her and although she has been a bit of a burden, I haven’t been a great listener either.  I often just check out of the conversation and vent about her issues to my friends and that seems pretty messed up. I don’t want to do that. I want to genuinely be there for her. I want to be the kind of friend that just drops everything in an effort to care for their loved ones. but... idk man. i also dont know if when ive been thinking, ive just been forcing myself to be this mold or someone that i want to be but not necessarily who i am. i keep saying that im super aggressive and sometimes i am. but not nearly as often as i claim to be. i think thats just who i want to become. and yes, i have been trying to keep myself a little more in check with my bluntness. but honestly, i am scared and intimated by what other people will say when i do want to confront them. i think it’s important to be considerate first. and i was just thinking about the summer and how in my own skin i felt and how God gave me the gift of compassion and how so in love I felt. I was so on fired and fueled by prayer and the words just poured out of my mouth. i didnt even have to think about it there. there was great power present and it was honestly amazing. but when we were at pastor william’s and i was asked what i like most about myself, i said, “compassion.” but it felt so weird. and wrong. because it was no longer true. i think over the summer, that was by far my best quality. i was filled with so much love and care for others and i was blunt bc i just wanted the best for them. but ive grown so unbelievably selfish lately and have “treated myself” way too often. i do still love others. a lot. but it’s not just about me. i want to care and serve for others too. those are my defining features. and maybe one day i will receive the gift of tongues. but for now, i just want to reestablish myself with Christ and move forward from here. I want to be me and work toward a better version of myself. I want to take good care of myself and while gaining control might have been a good excuse in the beginning, im nearly halfway through with the semester now and there are still so many variables that i cant control. so much has been happening and i just want to continue to do my best and maintain my cool. 
im starting to get tired since it’s 2:26am but I really want to finish this blog entry.
So, Andrew. Hi Andrew.
I don’t like Lauren. You’re with her at Disneyland right now and I have no idea how it’s going but I’m assuming and fearing that it’s going really well. Because I really don’t like her. And maybe it’s bc we got off on the wrong foot or because I never gave her a chance. But more than that, she just reminds me of high school and how miserable I was. A part of me is afraid that she’s just using you as a sick joke and laughing about you behind your back with her friends. And I know that you’re worth so much more than that and I don’t know why I’m so worried about you but I am. Maybe it’s because I feel like I’m losing you as a friend. Not just to her but in general. Maybe it’s because I know Lauren is close to Anela and Anela hardcore fucked me over. Maybe it’s because she was on ASB and knew Heidi. And Heidi drove me to cut myself. Maybe it’s just the thought of idea of her, getting close to you, and you guys becoming something more...and the two of us just drift apart again.
I mean, we already are. I finally confronted him recently and said that he’s been a lot more apathetic and selfish lately and he wasnt too offended but i dont think he fully registered it either. and i still havent told him about how he keeps objectifying women by just their appearance or as sexual objects and at first, i kinda just brushed it off and said, “oh...well, he’s a guy! whatever” but i knew in my heart that that is just a cop-out. i know so many guys that are much more respectful and not nearly as misogynistic. But I still want to be his friend and idk if im just overreacting because when i was watching jane the virgin earlier, i realized that i just casually say, “man, hes really cute.” and hes just going that to girls so is that really so weird? and im just not used to hearing the other side of it? maybe?????????? or it’s similar but hes taking it into the sexual approach? but he does still seem willing to give people a chance and move past appearance? But, he’s also been saying hes a lot of things that hes not in an effort to make himself look better. it’s a defense mechanism and i realize that i do that too. whenever something is remotely negative toward me, i immediately try and think of all the reasons why im actually good and not that bad thing. but i want to stop and try to just accept them as true and fact and work on them from there instead of dying them in the first place.
and finally, my sexuality. ive been drawn a lot more over the years to watching big boobs and scantily clad women. and im wondering if it’s bc im lowkey gay but im too afraid to admit it because of my religion? Why would God make me like this anyway? But all the people ive crushed on have also been guys so maybe im just straight? maybe? ???
or bisexual? maybe? i honestly dont know. or maybe it’s just because women are so overly exposed and their bodies are so heavily sexualized in media and im just used to that media too. bc i def feel turned on whenever i watch an anime clip or a real life version of sexy scenes. but it could also just be a result of repression and my sexual desire for the flesh and wanting to feel that intensity and that passion. but i know i shouldnt til marriage! but i would definitely be lying if i said that ive never been tempted. i have definitely thought of masturbation as an option too. eee, who knows. but i also like to dress scandalously sometimes too bc it makes me feel good. yes, sometimes it makes me incredibly uncomfortable. but other times, esp in my high waisted shorts and crop top, i feel BOMB DOT COM!!! And I might even be a little bit turned on by myself. i was hanging out with joyce and sharlene the other day and joyce mentioned how shes only a C cup and i thought about how i’m a D. And yet, Joyce is a lot bigger than I am. And then I felt kind of self conscious. But I do want to be more body positive and grow to love and appreciate my rather large boobs as they are. I know growing up, I felt pretty ashamed of them but I want to just be able to openly flaunt them instead and work in and wear crop tops and low necklines bc i feel good and im killin the game. really. thats part of the reason why i want to dress up as silk from the amazing spiderman. shes pretty well covered but i know that the body suit would accentuate my curves and mostly my boobs and i do want them to pop and feel hottttt. and i did a lot of research into creeps at the con and obviously i want to avoid them but a part of me actually wants to get hit on by a creep, just for my self esteem. yknow? like, wow, im so hot that i am worthy of getting hit on or cat called. and it sucks and it’s a bi degrading but i do think i would feel pretty good about myself, as sad as that sounds. 
im just... im feeling really conflicted right now. i do want to do more exploring but thats not how i was raised but i dont want to live such an oppressed lifestyle but i also just want to be with God. and i want to be around people that i feel open about sharing my sexual fantasies with, even if i want to remain a virgin until marriage. not really but i know that it’s the right thing to do.
hm.
welp, yeah. i played dungeons and dragons with michaela spontaneously. we planned to do it at 11pm that night after work and we follow through and even though we were short a few people and jordan couldnt do my hair, we still had a pretty gr9 time. so yay.
i just. yeah. sigh.i got a lot to do and think about. 
on the bright side, ive made sooooo much progress with my homework! but now i just really got to work on graphic design. ive been realizing that ive been putting that off more and more bc i want to avoid it whilst focusing more on physics and ITM, the two subjects that i previously used to avoid. neither are great but i guess it’s better that im focusing on those two notes bc i am hardcore struggling. but i also dont want to neglect a major class. so...we’ll see, i guess, haha. tess wasnt at work today and i didnt talk smack about her at all. instead, i met hailey and made a new friend c:
im going to see rocky horror tomorrow night and im happy to be going out with my friends and keeping marlena company but i do also feel bad bc church and im risking not waking up. and now that’s just on me. and it’s no longer such a small deal if i decide not to go. bc that affects dana as well and i do really want her to get to know Christ and really rekindle this relationship that she has with Him. I want Lakeview to become a place where people can feel a lot more personable and open with each other. And I don’t want to compare myself to others and wonder why someone did something for someone else but not me because it’s really not about me. it’s about us, in that moment, at that time, and what they are going through. not about me. not at all.
i think that’s all for now. i hope i can get a lot done tomorrow for graphic design and management! C: and i hope i can be more open with andrew too bc we definitely are growing apart and it breaks my heart and i feel this underlying sense of loyalty, just bc we were both there for each other when we needed someone to be there for us. and i am afraid that lauren is going to take up his time and he’ll neglect his time with me and i wont be as much of a priority to him. and that does kinda break my heart and i do miss him. i miss so many of my californian friends. i really do. and i cant wait to see them again over winter break.
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computerram · 7 years
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that's actually rly rly interesting i wanna hear more!!!
omg thats so nice im glad 2 indulge omg
idk if u wanted something specific but!! did u kno that although the devil is a very intimidating card in name, once again there is the undertone of something positive in it, even in such a dark sounding card? the devil represents a person who has become enslaved to a failing ideal, which could be anything between financial investments gone wrong or being trapped by your own ego. the devil is actually there on card not as the enslaver, but as the one tempting you to indulge in small sacrifices /away/ from what is keeping you chained down. the reversed arcana is actually all about people who /dont/ break away from their ideals and become unhealthily obsessed with them, possibly even signaling addiction of some form. its basically all about letting yourself have small indulgences for the sake of your sanity!
or! that while the tower is arguably the most disaster orientated card in the major arcana there is, the outcome should not always be a negative one! while it typically symbolises a sudden collapse of something important, the message is that in the aftermath you will be able to see more clearly without all the falsifications around you, and you will be able to rebuild stronger and better for it. overall, its about how you shouldnt feel bad when something unexpected shakes you down, as every cloud has a silver lining. reversed is all about ppl who could definitely see and avoid disaster, but actively chose not to and suffered the consequences. fun fact: the tower was often used as a symbol to nobility to indicate that one day, they might fall from their title and end up on the ground, on equal footing with the ppl they secluded themselves from!
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