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#ten spankoffski
capriciouslyterminal · 5 months
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All I want…is for Pete to have a white streak in his hair where Wiggly touched him. Okay? Is that too much to ask? For the drama???
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hatchetnewsarc · 8 months
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i don't ever want to say i agree with ted, but-- paul,
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OKAY here is the completely nonserious percy jackson npmd au thats been taking up space in my brain for weeks now because it simply needs somewhere to go:
New campers-
Stephanie Lauter:
I'm not overcomplicating this one: Steph is a daughter of Aphrodite
Solomon Lauter saw the hottest woman at some party where he was campaigning, and he’s is nothing if not ‘passionate’ and successful (by design) so it worked out
As far as Steph knows until her teens her mom ran off on her dad when she was a baby, and that’s fine, she doesn't give a shit, she’s never looked into it
Until, when she’s sixteen (because somehow she’s made it this long) Grace Chasity starts a rumor, her dad sends her to Abstinence Camp and the monster in the woods chases her right into camp halfblood
She gets claimed pretty promptly and Is Not A Fan
She’s thinks it’s pretty sexist and conceited and stupid and problematic for a whileeeee and refuses to look into it any more than ‘pink and pretty and misogynistic’ which like, doesn’t go well for her but she’s nothing if not stubborn
She’s fluent in French because of her mom but she doesn’t know that until she gets to camp and is genuinely so pissed off that the one school subject she thought she was good at isn’t even on her own merit
She’s got some vague appearance manipulation stuff, and once she realizes she does she exclusively uses it to change her hair color and make her eyeliner look good
She’s probably like camp way more if she knew about it earlier but the combo of her had having kept it from her and who her mom is and all the stupid games/worship expectations piss her off and she bails on most of the events/training/campfires out of spite
She definitely uses some close up weapon like a dagger or short sword
Grace Chastity:
Grace is a daughter of Ares 
(Her finding this out goes very poorly)
Im ngl i feel like somehow Ares ended up with Mark Chastity, I refuse to examine this thought but i think Mark Chastity had his first gay experience and woke up the next morning with a baby there somehow because Ares thought it would be hilarious and wanted to see what would happen
She gets chased to camp with Steph from Abstinence Camp and is fucking livid, the whole thing is insanely scareligious and ridiculous and everyone there is going to hell and she is so heated that Ares, once again thinking it’s really funny and slightly proud, claims her on the spot
Grace Chastity is out here with her sacreligious two gay dads
She really resents specifically who her dad is because in her head she is made for peace and love and spreading the word of god, she hates the idea of war or violence on principal, so she spends a lot of time at the strawberry fields or Pegusus stables because she does really like the flying horses :)
She refuses to take place in any camp activities or training and all her siblings hate her
At a certain point she’s able to harness a level of odikinesis (enhancing feelings of hatred and war) and it doesn’t go well
Chiron honestly is forcing her to stick around because he’s REALLY so very nervous about how the fuck it would go to have Grace loose on the mortal world right after she finds everything else
Her weapon is an axe
Obviously
AND THEN we’ve got the established campers-
Peter Spankoffski:
Okay so forgive me for my special little blorbo-fication of my guy but:
Pete’s a son of Nyx
He super fucking shouldn’t be, there aren’t demi-god children of Nyx, just monsters and minor gods, but him and Ted were kind of just… thought experiments? Like she was bored and very curious so she took a really shitty human and had a child with him (Ted) and then, in what Nyx’s head was barely any time at all but in human years was straight up 18 years, has another one (Pete)
Ted raises Pete for a couple years, but children of Nyx in general are just bad omens, and human children of Nyx who probably shouldn’t exist are no exception, so they get hunted down by monsters hard
Ted dies or disappears by the time Pete’s ten or eleven and he ends up at a camp
He’s a year round camper and lives in the hermes cabin because obviously Nyx doesn’t have a cabin (look okay i know that percy fixed that, but that bit of lore where any unclaimed or minor god children live at the hermes cabin is so fucked up and rife with angst and hurt/comfort potential is too much for me to resist so this is a universe where percy jackson does not exist)
His luck is horrible, like it’s a magical demigod ability how horrible his luck is and he’s well on his way to systematically having broken every single one of his bones one by one, they know him so well in the apollo cabin
NO ONE (and I mean NO ONE) likes him and he’s considered a camp wide jinx so he takes one for the team and personally exempts himself from any team events like capture the flag because no one is willing to have him on their side
A lot of newer campers generally assume he’s an Athena kid because he really enjoys learning/strategy/by-the-book stuff because it’s a lot easier than trying to get involved with the more dangerous athletic shit 
Because his mom is the goddess of night he’s very into outer space
His weapon is a bow and arrow, but he’s pretty good with most range weapons/anything that he can calculate aim for 
Ruth Fleming:
Ruth is a daughter of Demeter and she’s pissed about it
Her dad told her about being a demigod a couple years before she went to camp but he didn’t know who her mom was so she got very very into greek mythos and shit and was convinced she was a daughter of Athena or Aphrodite or someone else nine-year-old-girl-cool and was fucking devestated when it was the goddess of farming
Like, she’ll do all the things she’s expected to (helping in the strawberry fields, weeding, etc..) but she’s going to complain about it
She doesn’t even have any cool powers to go with it!!! it’s so unfair >:( 
She’s also involved with the camp’s theater department and is convinced it’s rigged against her because of who her mom is in favor of Apollo and Dionysus kids (in fairness…. it probably is) which is why she’s always stuck on tech 
She’s definitely got a crush of Richie’s dad
She’s a summer only camper for sure, monsters don’t hunt her down for any reason in particular or en mass so she can get away with it and fight off the ones that do, but she does kind of take offense to the fact that even monsters don't want her (even if they’d just kill her) 
Her childhood greek mythology obsession carries over so she knows every dumb little detail about every myth and will bring it up unprompted
Her main weapon is just a celestial bronze sword but i feel like when she first got to camp at 12 she bribed a child of Iris to change the color of it so it looks like… rose gold lmao
Richie Lipschitz:
Richie is a son of Dionysus
And sure, okay, I know what you're thinking: that doesn’t really fit…?
But to that I say oh boy it does, just not for Richie
For his twin brother Trevor however– 
Richie is kind of like the black sheep of his cabin, not that there is many of them, because his brother is perfectly cookie cutter what a Dionysis kid should be (he’s a theater kid, he throws good parties, he’s generally popular) and Richie is not
They both started camp at probably 10-ish, a little earlier than traditional because there were two of them which drew more monsters
His eyes are violet though which he thinks is very cool so he dyes his hair purple to match them
He sorta-kinda has chlorokinesis, specifically for grape and strawberry vines, which a. he also thinks is very cool, and b. he uses as an excuse to get out of training so he can hang out with Ruth
He's also really good at swimming and trying to work up the courage to ask his dad if he'd possibly be able to grant him the ability to turn into a dolphin but just like... only when he wanted tot and he could turn back
He really wishes his was an Apollo kid (though, obviously he’d never say that out loud) because of the artistic stuff, so he sort of just tries to gaslight everyone that because his dad is the god of the Arts that includes physical art like drawing so obviously that’s why he’s good at it
He’s a summer-only camper too but for the dumbest reason; their parents gave the twins a choice, but Trevor wanted to be able to go back to school to do school plays and Richie can’t watch anime at camp so they chose summer only
His weapon is just a normal sword but he’s campaigning to get a child of Hephaestus to make him a Katana
(They’re all three kind of outcasts in terms of their own godly parents, because Ruth and Richie don’t really fit the mold of ‘normal child of [blank]’ and Pete’s kind of just generally disliked because of his parentage, so they all sort of came together as friends out of necessity but now they’re just actually buddies and they hang out)
anyway who knows if ill do anything with this but its FUN and id love to talk about it forever they're just little demigod losers I love them
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staticsketchbook · 2 months
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ted and paul??? or maybe spankoffski brothers???
Paul pulled his car up to an apartment building in downtown Hatchetfield. He promised he'd drive Ted into work after his own car broke down the day before. He sat there for a few minutes, checking the time on his phone. Eventually, Ted came out of the building and easily slid into the front seat.
"Good morning," Paul said.
"Yeah, hey," he replied, not fully paying attention. He was looking at something on his phone.
Paul shrugged, and began the drive to work. Soon, they stopped at an intersection.
"Turn here," Ted said suddenly, pointing to the left.
"Ted, the office is right there." Paul gestured forward to the plain looking office building. The sign reading Coven Communications, Research, and Power was clearly visible from the car. He could even see Bill holding the door open for Sylvia as they walked in together.
"I know that." He looked at Paul like he was crazy. "Change of plans, we gotta drive my kid brother to school."
"What? Ted, are you kidding me-?"
"Oh, come on, Paul!" He threw up his hands, and scowled. "The bus left him behind this morning. Do you want him to walk to school?"
"Well, no, but-," Paul began to argue, but then he just sighed, letting his raised hand fall against the steering wheel. He was never good at confrontation, especially with people as abrasive as Ted. "Okay." He flipped on his turn signal and turned down the street. "Okay."
Minutes later they were in a small residential neighborhood. They pulled in front of a quaint little home with large flowerbeds. Paul couldn't believe a jerk like Ted grew up in a place so... cute.
A teenager came out the front door, with the same dark hair and lanky frame as Ted. He hunched his shoulders as he fiddled with his bowtie. He quickly slid into the back seat.
"So, where to? Hatchetfield High or Sycamore?" Paul asked, giving a polite smile to the teen.
"Hatch-"
"Syncamore?" Ted repeated, sounding insulted. "Ew, no. Petey's a Nighthawk!" He leaned back, giving the teen a playful punch on the shoulder. Peter gave him an awkard smile, rubbing his shoulder as soon as Ted turned back around.
"Ted," Paul said with a frown. "I went to Sycamore."
"Yeah," he scoffed. "No wonder you're such a fuckin' geek."
He shook his head, choosing not to reply. He focused on the road for a while, before looking to Peter in the rear view mirror. "So, anything fun planned today at school?"
He shrugged. "Not really. My friend Ruth said we have a pop quiz this morning, and I'm working on a physics project later tonight."
"Hey, physics, that's cool." Paul realized how entirely uncool he sounded right now. He saw Ted rolling his eyes next to him. "So, uh, you going to the big game in a few weeks? I hear Hatchetfield's got good chances this year."
"Uh, I'm not really into football," he said, wincing when his voice cracked. He fidgeted in his seat.
"I get it. I wasn't really into sports when I was your age."
"Oh my God, Paul," Ted groaned. "We get it, you're a nerd."
Paul frowned, noticing Peter react to that in mirror. The teen awkwardly looked out the window as they pulled up to the school. "Um... thanks for the ride, Paul." He picked up his backpack and scooted towards the door.
"No problem." It was a problem, they were already ten minutes late to work. But he wasn't going to tell Peter that. "Have a good day."
Peter nodded and smiled. "You too."
"Hey." Ted reached back and put a hand on his shoulder. "Don't let anyone give you any shit, alright? You go in there and show everyone who's boss."
He shifted in his seat, looking down at the floor. He looked back and gave him a hesitant smile. "Ok, Ted."
"Love you, kid."
"Yeah, love you too." He opened the door and hurried towards the school. He looked around, then turned to give one last wave to Ted before ducking inside.
"Man," Ted said, looking out the window with an almost wistful look in his eye. "He's a good kid. I wish he'd have a bit more confidence in himself. He's cooler than he thinks he is."
Paul smiled. He was surprised by how sincere Ted was when it came to his brother. A glimpse of softness behind his coarse exterior.
Ted suddenly turned, scowling at him. He slapped him on the shoulder. "What the fuck are you sitting around for, Paul? We're late."
Paul sighed. And he's back. 
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tgifridaysisdaycare · 2 months
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Hey!! Smosh/Angela fans!!
In case you haven't seen, the creators of "Spies are Forever", Tin Can Bros (Joey Richter, Corey Lubowich, and Brian Rosenthal) are running a kickstarter to get their ten year anniversary season up and running! They're 1/3 funded, and if you're a fan of starkid, or even just Hatchetfield, this is an absolutely worthwhile thing to back. Obviously this blog is dedicated towards fans of Angela Giarratana, so you'll probably be more geared towards Hatchetfield content than other starkid content, so!! If you like Hatchetfield!! Listen up!!!
Corey Lubowich is a huge creative mind behind Starkid, having produced or done scenic design for nearly all of the shows, including All of the Hatchetfield shows! Hatchetfield absolutely wouldnt exist the way it does without the creative Powerhouse that is Corey Lubowich, and he absolutely deserves all the respect for what he has done for Starkid in it's 15 years as a theatre company!
Joey Richter is in Basically every starkid project, including every Hatchetfield show, all of nightmare time, AND workin' boys. He plays Ethan Green opposite Angela's Lex Foster in Nightmare time 2, as well as other fan favourites such as Ted and Peter Spankoffski, Wilbur Cross, and Dan Reynolds. He has range!!!!
Brian Rosenthal was formative to starkid in it's early years as a company, and although his involvement in Hatchetfield is a little less than the others, he still did AWARD WINNING sound design for The Guy Who Didn't Like Musicals!!! With a gorgeous voice and killer sense of humour, Brosenthal rounds out this dynamic Trio perfectly.
In terms of smosh, Joey and Corey were both on the Starkid TNTL episode, and Angela joined TCB in their second season of "We didn't plan to kill our guest" as a main cast member alongside Lauren Lopez (also in the TNTL) and of course the three Tin Can Bros. You can rent WDPTKOG on the TCB website.
With excellently crafted stories, Beautiful (and Canon!) Queer representation, and brilliant comedic sense, Tin Can Bros put their heart and soul into their work, and with your help, they can make 2024 a year to remember!! To get more familiar with their work, you can find the majority of their work on YouTube. The Shows "Spies are Forever" and " The Solve it Squad Returns" are both on there, free of purchase. And also the short films "Flop Stoppers" and "Idle Worship" as well as a plethora of skits and short form comedy!!
Tinlightenment awaits you!! Pledge here!
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im-not-a-l0ser · 3 months
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Max: Woah, woah, woah. You think I'm into Richie? Steph: Yes, Max, I do. Because you are. Pete: You mentioned his name nine times in the last ten minutes. Max: NOBODY ASKED YOU SPANKOFFSKI!
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rhondafromhr · 3 months
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Chapter 3 of the nerds corruption au
Update: this is still consuming my life and I’m not even mad about it. I’m just straight up having a good time.
Chapter 1
Chapter 2
“We’re Gonna Become the Bullies” - Chapter 3: Hold Me Closer Than Before
Peter can’t believe he’s actually doing this. He’s going to go confront Brad Callahan. Not only that, he has Max goddamn Jägerman psyching him up to do it. The same Max Jägerman that was beating him up for trying to talk to Steph not even a week ago. If Max still objected to it now, he probably would’ve said something about them holding hands, so it looks like they have his blessing. Pete’s really glad Steph joined them. It’s both endearing and kind of hot how fired up she is to defend him.
They finally track Brad down in the hallway and corner him. Max takes the lead, shoving him up against a locker and snarling, “Did I not make myself clear that Spankoffski is off-limits now? Who the fuck do you think you are that you get to talk to him like that? The order of things here at Hatchetfield High has changed and there’s nothing your weak ass can do about it, so you’re going to show him some goddamn respect from now on.”
“Oh, what, just because I called him one little name? He’s suddenly too cool for ‘Micro-Peter’ just ‘cause you said so?” Brad fires back.
“What are you, new here? Yes he fucking is, that’s how it works! Don’t forget, I’m your god,” Max says, staring him down with unbridled fury in his eyes “And now, so are these two. So we’re going to make sure the message gets through your thick skull this time. Steph, I believe you mentioned something you’ve always dreamed of doing.” Max restrains him while Stephanie raises her arm and backhands him hard, her other one still gripping Pete’s. How’s that for learning to multitask, Miss Tessburger? she thinks smugly. God, that was fucking cathartic.
Max turns his attention to Peter, Brad still in his grip. “Okay, Pete, you’re up! Throw a punch, show me what you’ve got!”
Peter reluctantly lets go of Stephanie’s hand and begins winding up his fist. He has no idea what he’s doing. The closest he’s ever gotten to a fight was that one time he tried to stand up to Max and that didn’t exactly work out in his favor. Or maybe it did? It was the catalyst for the Waylon place incident, which is the whole reason he’s in Max’s good graces. But, he realizes, if he wants to stay there, it would do him some good to impress Max and not throw a weak, half-assed punch right now. To motivate himself, he thinks back to the pantsing incident, growing angrier and angrier as he remembers how small and humiliated and helpless Brad made him feel. Suddenly, punching Brad square in the face as hard as he can stops being an obligation to hesitantly fulfill and becomes a long-overdue opportunity he absolutely relishes. As Pete’s fist slams into his face, Brad tries to play it off like it doesn’t hurt, but the pained groan he lets out is unmistakable. Holy cow, Pete realizes, he gave him a black eye!
“Good job! That was actually really good for a first try. I could feel the righteous fury just radiating off of you. Chills. I’ve got chills right now,” Max says encouragingly.
“Oh, um, thanks. That’s what I was going for,” Pete replies, a little dazed.
“You, too, Steph. The form on that slap? Absolutely impeccable. You might even be able to teach me a few things.”
“Well, I have been training for this. At this point I’ve probably done like ten thousand practice runs of this scenario in my head,” Stephanie deadpans.
“Well, team, this has been fun, but we’ve gotta get to class now, so this trash’ll just have to deposit itself into the nearest receptacle!” Max releases Brad, who books it to get away from them. Looks like their message sunk in.
Later that day, Peter sits in Calc and as hard as he tries to focus, his mind keeps wandering back to the incident with Brad. Even if he didn’t do it alone, he can’t believe he actually beat somebody up. He feels like he should feel at least a little bit guilty, but he doesn’t, and he feels a little guilty for that. Then again, why should he? When has Brad been anything but a complete asshole to him? Still, it kind of concerns him how good it felt to be the one in control for once. Before he can dwell on it too much, a stern, clear voice over the intercom interrupts his internal debate.
“Would Stephanie Lauter, Peter Spankoffski and Max Jägerman please report to the principal’s office immediately? I repeat, Stephanie Lauter, Peter Spankoffski and Max Jägerman to the principal’s office.” Well, there’s a sentence he never thought he’d hear. Even just “Peter Spankoffski to the principal’s office” would be unusual. He really should’ve been prepared for this, but the possibility didn’t even cross his mind. Somehow, it felt like being with Max would give him some sort of immunity. He packs his things and stands up to leave, hyper-aware of his classmates’ curious gazes burning into him.
When he arrives outside of Principal Blim’s office, Steph and Max are already there waiting for him. Stephanie slouches in the cheap, blue plastic chair and seems more bored than anything. Much to her father’s dismay, this is a pretty familiar scene for her. Max just looks confused and possibly a little nervous. Peter supposes that makes sense; there’s a good chance he’s never been here, either. Max has been doing stuff like this for years and hasn’t gotten in trouble once. The school cares way more about keeping their star quarterback on the field and beating Clivesdale than they do about bullying. Principal Blim cracks open the door and pokes his head out.
“Oh, good, you’re all here. Take a minute to collect yourselves if you need and come on in. Let’s start a dialogue,” he says.
Stephanie notices how tense the boys both look. She can’t help but crack a smile. It goes without saying that Pete is adorable, but the sight of literal monster Max Jägerman dropping his tough-guy persona and acting like a scared little kid about getting a scolding from their (honestly pretty chill and understanding) principal is pretty entertaining, too. She squeezes Pete’s hand and gives Max a little pat on his shoulder.
“It’ll be alright,” she whispers as they all head in. It seems to relax them a little bit.
Principal Blim’s office is surprisingly cramped. Or maybe it just feels that way due to almost every inch of wall being covered in cheesy motivational posters, many of which feature adorable cats in ridiculous situations. Peter thinks maybe it’s supposed to brighten up the room and make it feel less intimidating, but to be honest it’s having the opposite effect on him right now. What is it that Max always says about intent versus impact?
“Well, I assume you all know why I called you here today,” he says gently. Stephanie shakes her head and gives him the most puzzled look she can manage. Max and Pete follow her lead.
“You know, owning up to our mistakes is the first step towards doing better. But you don’t seem quite ready to do that, so I’ll spell it out for you. You’re here because the three of you attacked Brad Callahan this afternoon. Quite frankly, this is, as the kids say, ‘out of pocket’ for all three of you, but especially you, Mr. Spankoffski.” How is this in any way out of pocket for Max? Peter always assumed the school administration chose to look the other way on his behavior, but maybe they really are oblivious to it. “Now, I can’t let this slide without issuing some sort of punishment, but I’m willing to hear you out before I make any decisions. You’re all good kids, why did you lash out at Brad like that?”
“He was, um, he was picking on Hannah Foster again!” Stephanie exclaims “We all saw! He’s always making fun of her for stuff she can’t even help and he won’t stop no matter what we say to him! We had to do something, but we just felt so powerless. Believe me, we didn’t want to resort to violence but we just didn’t know what else to do.” Man, being able to cry on command would be awesome right now. Maybe Ruth knows some theater kids that can teach her.
“Yeah,” Peter adds “we couldn’t just stand by and let him pick on a defenseless freshman! Being a bystander is just as bad as bullying. You said so yourself at the anti-bullying assembly!”
“I did say that,” Principal Blim admits “And this isn't the first I’ve heard about Brad giving Hannah trouble. I can see where you’re coming from. Standing up to bullying is always admirable, although your execution was less than ideal. I’ll let you kids off with a warning for today, but if you see Brad bothering Hannah again please just come to me with your concerns instead of escalating things to the point of physical violence.”
“We will! Thanks, Principal Blim! Go Nighthawks!” says Max cheerfully.
“Mm-hmm. Go Nighthawks, fuck Clivesdale. Stay out of trouble, you three.” On that note, he ushers them out of his office.
Once they’re safely back in the hallway and out of earshot, Max holds one hand out to each of them for a fist bump, which they awkwardly return.
“Good thinking back there,” he tells them “you guys are so smart!”
“We learned it from watching you,” Pete points out “using anti-bullying rhetoric to perpetuate bullying is kind of your signature move. I hate to admit it, but it’s pretty clever. And it clearly works.”
“Yeah, it really came in clutch today. If my dad got a call from the school about this, he’d hold my phone hostage even longer. You’re kind of genius for coming up with it,” Stephanie adds.
Max sniffles. “Thanks. That’s, like, the nicest thing anyone’s ever said to me.”
“Wow,” says Stephanie, feeling a sense of déjà vu “that’s really sad.”
“I guess it is.” Max chuckles. “It’s just, I don’t feel smart most of the time. I have horrible grades in most of my classes, even remedial algebra. My dad’s always on my ass about it, too. Says I’m lucky I can throw a football because I don’t even have two brain cells to rub together.”
“Well, what the fuck does he know, anyway?” Stephanie spits, suddenly furious at this man she’s never met. This hits way too close to home for her. “Grades aren’t everything. Look at me, my grades are abysmal, but read my takes on Twitter sometime. Some say I’m the voice of a generation.” She hopes her encouragement makes him feel a little better, at least, but she knows all too well that it’s not enough to heal years of having a shitty dad who loathes your existence and devalues you at every opportunity. She thinks of the striking parallel to her own father’s favorite jab: “I want to have an intelligent conversation with you. In other words, shut up.”
“I concur,” says Pete “Ruth and Richie both have really good grades and they’re absolute disasters sometimes. Don’t get me wrong, I love ‘em both, but it’s true. Even they’d probably agree with me. Ruth’s an anomaly, I’ll never understand how somebody who regularly blows off homework to write erotic Star Wars fanfiction keeps her GPA so- You know what, I’m getting a little off-topic, but the point is you’re smarter than you think you are, Max.”
A lump forms in Max’s throat and his eyes water. “Thanks, guys. That, uh, that means a lot.” He pulls them into a group hug more gently than either of them would have thought possible for him. They hug him back tightly and after a solid thirty seconds they reluctantly let go. Honestly, all three of them could stand to be hugged more.
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theiloveyousong · 4 months
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hi hi hi omg ok abt the chanukkah gift writing thing. how abt. barnroe going on a teeny tiny date in miss retro's diner after they've only been publicly dating for a little while. that would be super cool /nf
HI okay ive FINALLY finished this im so sorry i just had NO motivation :[[[ i think its decent though !
Linda slides into the booth of Miss Retro’s with a huff, smooths out her skirt, looks at Becky so crossly she can’t help but grin. “This place is an absolute dump, Barnes. What are we going to order, chlamydia and fries?” She wrinkles her nose. Becky pats her on the hand gently and slides into the other side of the booth. Linda’s picking at her cuticles, nervousness visible past the disaffected sneer. 
Becky flicks her palm gently, and Linda glances up with doe-wide eyes. “Hey, Lin. You don’t have to worry, kay? This is like Hatchetfield’s queer community center. We’re fine.” Linda’s face relaxes a bit, and she falls into the booth, sighing thinly. Becky pulls out a menu from the holder, spreads it across the table. “Now, they don’t offer any STDs, but I would like a milkshake.” Linda grins tentatively. 
The diner’s bustling, teenagers packed into booths too small for their group and old couples having lunch together for the thousandth time. Linda glances around a bit, spots a girl with wavy blond hair and a silvery dress, and her face immediately crumples into a glare. Becky looks at her looking at the girl, and smiles. “Family rivalry? You two look super similar.”
Linda huffs. “Yes, actually. She’s my niece and the absolute worst person I’ve ever had the displeasure of meeting.”
Becky pouts. “Aww, I thought I was the worst person you had ever met? You used to tell me that all the time, babe.”
Linda’s face flushes. “Yes- Well- Times have changed, and I have now deigned to grace you with my presence. You should be grateful, Becky!” She tucks a piece of hair behind her ear. “Anyway, Brooke is-”
Becky bursts out laughing. “Brooke? Really? Didn’t know the nautical theme ran that deep!” 
Linda frowns. “Yes. It’s the boats, we do a lot of boating. She’s the epitome of what’s wrong with teenagers today, always on her phone and no respect for her friends and-” Linda leans in dramatically. “I heard from Spankoffski’s kid that she set fire to the bathroom during homecoming this year.” 
Becky smiles. “So we’re gossiping now? Didn’t take you to become a yente at the ripe old age of thirty-seven.” 
Linda’s ears turn bright red. “Shut up! Shut up, shut up! I will not become an old lady who gossips at synagogue about people’s appearances. Whether someone has gotten another nose job or not is none of their business!”
Becky places her hands over Linda’s. “And this is definitely not from experience, right, Lin?” 
Linda crosses her arms and harrumphs. “You know I’ll say anything you want me to, Barnes.” She sighs, looks at the menu. “Oh, greasy bad food, how I did not miss you. Oh, inevitable breakout, how I do not want you.”
Becky plucks it from her hands. “Nuh-uh! I’m picking for you. Consider it a gift!” Linda scrunches up her face. The teenage waitress saunters over to the table, tugging at her choppy hair and looking extremely bored. Becky frowns. “Where’s Miss Holloway? She’s normally working here on Saturdays…”
The waitress grimaces. “Yeah, well, Holloway’s not here, so you’re gonna hafta take it or leave it, hon. I dunno why either, just got a call to come into work, so. Yeah. Whaddaya want?” Becky pulls out a tiny notebook, scribbles something in it, and shows it to the waitress, who hides her smile with the order pad. 
Linda narrows her eyes. “What is it. What is it? Becky, are you not going to tell me?” Becky smiles, but says nothing. Linda slams her head down on the table.
“Comin’ right up, miss! We’ll get that right quick,” says the waitress, scurrying over to a table with ten teenagers crammed in. She shows them the order and one of them shrieks. Linda sighs.
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irregularbillcipher · 14 days
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look i say this as a Ted Spankoffski Enjoyer but bill/paul is like ten times better than ted/paul. paul clearly cares about bill deeply, they have a history, paul used to drive his kid to school, he calls bill his best friend several times, he goes on what is essentially suicide mission with bill to help him get his daughter back and make sure he's not alone. if you're gonna ship the ccrp guys together, those are the guys to ship
that being said ted with a stupid crush that paul at best does not recognize and at worst is willfully ignoring is incredibly funny. he's bi but nobody wants him
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peterstankoffski · 10 months
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Lautski Week day 2 - Coffee
Pete didn’t know he could be that forward. Just like detention, he hadn’t even realized how well the conversation had been going until it was too late. But he and Steph had just been talking, as one does, about classes and weekend plans (well, Pete’s lack thereof) and she said he could always call her if he got bored and without a beat he asked, “Wanna go out for coffee with me on Saturday?”
He’d said that. Without hesitation. Without a second thought. And Steph had grinned and said “You’ve got anything planned, Spankoffski?” to which he turned red and insisted he didn’t and he wasn’t sure what came over him and if she already had plans it was okay, really! But she said to text him the time and place and she’d meet him on Saturday.
Great. Now if only he could afford anything besides Beanie’s. Now she was gonna see what a cheap loser he was, more so than she might have before.
Pete awkwardly stood right outside the door to Beanie’s. He didn’t want to order before she got there, that seemed rude, but he also didn’t want to stand around while that crabby barista glared at him for daring to exist inside the building, wasting time for not ordering his hot chocolate and making the to-do list at the store one item shorter. So standing around would have to do.
She met him at twelve-ten exactly (in fact, she actually showed up five minutes early), and after more of Pete wondering if he was being too awkward today the way he greeted her with a bit too much enthusiasm, they went inside.
Very quickly, Pete realized just what a mess Beanie’s really was. Their coffee already tasted like shit. But now it was occuring to Pete, that the drab brown walls and the suspiciously low prices and the fact that the baristas all had to sing like at a Coldstone Creamery…yeah. None of that reflected all that well on himself or his price range or his tastes, did it?
To be fair, if he could afford to go to Starbucks everyday, he would.
Steph didn’t say anything about it, though.
“So,” she said, “What do you usually get here?”
“Oh, uh. Hot chocolate. Like anywhere else. I can’t have caffeine because it messes with my blood sugar and makes my anxiety spike. And I don’t entirely trust them to give me decaf. Which is definitely the anxiety speaking but—”
“But that’s okay. You know if they got anything hazelnut?”
“I think?”
“Cool. We’re ready to order, then.”
“Cool,” Pete echoed. “By the way, I’ll pay for yours, too. It’s the polite thing to do, I think.”
“You sure?”
“Positive.”
Steph smiled. “Alright, then. Let’s get up there.”
Just as they neared the front of the line, someone just had to go and leave a tip, prompting one of the baristas to get way too into the performance, and the crabby one at the register to look about five seconds from snapping.
Pete stared firmly at the ground, not wanting to know what Steph must have thought.
But it eventually ended and the ordered. Pete and his hot chocolate, Steph and her iced hazelnut latte.
Damn. She ordered without a beat. Pete didn’t know any coffee words, or at least, the difference between any of them. He could only imagine how much better that would work out at a place he wasn’t suddenly nervous to be in.
“You doing okay?” Steph asked as they sat down.
“...nervous,” Pete admitted. “I know this place isn’t exactly the fanciest in the world…in fact, today I see how tacky it is—”
“It’s okay to be nervous, though,” she said. “First date and all.”
“I–Is that what this is?”
“It can be if you want it to be.”
Pete nodded. “Yeah. Saying it that way, it’s uh, it’s good with me.”
“So it’s okay then,” she said again. “Besides, I’m still having fun. Get to look into the routine of Peter Spankoffski.”
“I should warn you now the drinks here aren’t actually that good,” Pete said quickly. “But it’s way cheaper than Starbucks, so—”
“At least it’ll be an experience, right?”
“Good or bad?”
“Good,” she assured him.
Their drinks arrived. Steph took a sip and grimaced. “The espresso’s burnt.”
“I’m sorry.”
“It’s not your fault.”
“We could have gone somewhere else—”
“Pete,” she said, taking his hand, “It’s okay. We’re okay. ‘Sides, I’m still having fun talking.”
“Really? Because you don’t gotta spare my feelings, I know this is going bad—”
“It’s not,” she promised. “I just like hanging with you, Pete. Even if the actual event is shitty. You’re still making it nice.”
Pete bit back another apology. He only blushed and nodded.
“Hey. I wanna make it up anyway, pay you back. How ‘bout next weekend, I treat you? At a Starbucks, if you want.”
Pete looked back up at her, and hearing the genuineness in her voice and seeing how she smiled at him despite it all brought him right back to reality, calming him down at once. “Yeah,” he said. “I think I’d like that.”
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sleazeballtm · 4 months
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october 17th, 2004.
theodore "teddy" spankoffski was drinking alone in his room, trying to work up the courage to tell jenny how he felt. he was so scared, so nervous, so afraid he was going to say something and lose her altogether. he didn't have even the slightest she may feel the same. he was drinking both from a shot glass and straight from the bottle of bourbon. he knew it was overkill, but he didn't know how else to find the courage to say anything. he'd gotten close once before after drinking far too many cups of the mystery punch at some frat party with her. but instead he'd gotten sick and thrown up in a bush. he wasn't going to do that, he was going to be smart. he was going to drink just what he needed.
by about five that evening he'd had more than his fair share, looking at his reflection and talking himself up, "you got this, teddy. you can do this. she'd be lucky to have a guy like you!" but just one more drink-- okay, maybe two more. by the third one more ted was tired, sleepy. he knew that wouldn't bode well in getting him to jenny's so perhaps a nap, maybe a little ten minute shut eye situation. just had... to... set... an alarm. yawn.
october 18th, 2004.
he tried to find jenny around their usual spots, but had no luck. he didn't plan on telling her anything more than his usual, but he knew he had to or he'd forever be in a puddle of regret over what happened. him passing out last night that is. he'd been so close-- so close to going out and telling her, but... maybe next time. there was always going to be a next time. at least he thought so... hoped so.
he spent his day as he normally did, classes and this or that before retiring back to his apartment where he got the mail. in it he found a letter addressed to him in jenny's hand writing-- he'd know it anywhere. it confused him, why would she be sending him a letter?
that letter changed the course of teddy's life. or rather ted's. he had scoured that letter over and over for any sign of how to find her, how to tell her he felt the same. but it was a permanent end. it was a goodbye. she'd made her decision. there was no going back. ted missed his chance... and that's why he was never going to do so again.
january 1st, 2005.
a new wardrobe. new facial hair. new haircut. new attitude. it was done and over, there was no changing what had happened and he was now going to live with that. but he wasn't going to wear it on his sleeve, he was going to keep it in the back of his head so he was always reminded that if he didn't go for it: he'd lose it. if only he'd taken that in a different way than the physical one that took him over. see, ted had every intention of finding something that would work for him... but chicks at parties looking to have a good time, chicks at bars looking to forget, and housewives wanting to feel needed? ted could do all that. he could easily push his way into whatever situation to find something to fill the void that lived in him.
a void he wouldn't admit he had, mind you, but it was there. just like that reminder. if he never wanted to feel that way again then he had to take it all by the horns and put his shy, awkward self behind him. he wasn't that kid. he wasn't that awkward voice cracking teen unsure of himself. he was confident, he was an option and he was going to make sure every person knew that when crossing his path. he was not going to be forgotten and he was not going to be ignored. he wasn't a sidelines type of a guy and it was about time he recognized that-- recognized that he had some form of a catch to him. someone would be damn lucky to have ted grace their life-- all he had to do was take that leap. never stop leaping, never stop moving, never let yourself remember how miserable you are--
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pete-spankoffski · 22 days
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<A force from outside his world grabs him by the front of his shirt and lifts him up off the ground.>
Happy Birthday, Mr. Spankoffski. I'm going to be fulfilling someone's birthday wish for you.
<From the metaphorical other side, the man holding Pete takes the boy's glasses off and takes out a scalpel, slowly, painfully carving a line through Pete's face, right through his eyes.>
-🪚
[ As Pete walked home, he fixated his attention on the street. It’s dark, the stars are out already. Suddenly, he feels something grip his collar. He looks around to see no one as his feet dangle in the air, his glasses falling to the floor with a faint thud as the rim takes in fall damage. A scratch on the black, bold plastic. ]
[ He didn’t recognize this voice, sending shivers down his spine as it speaks. ]
“Wha—“
[ Before he could finish, they felt the scalpel, slowly cutting at his left eye. Blood dripped from his eye, he tries his best to cover his eye, to avoid any further damage. But whatever is doing this, slowly start to slit his other eye. He shrieks in pain as the “man” continues, the line paced slowly as it slid over his skin. ]
[ The incision continues, no one seems to hear his screams. The pain stabbing him, ten times worse even. The man’s force relaxes, and lets go of Pete. He slammed into the pavement, looking for his glasses. It hurts to see. ]
[ His left eye faced some damage, but his right had a full line through it. Pete trembled as blood spilled down his face, he gets to his feet and stumbles somewhere to sit. ]
[ Hissing in pain, he can’t even cry. He cant go home looking like this either, so what the fuck is he gonna do now? ]
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beaniestm · 6 months
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she had given pete spankoffski her number after seeing an altercation in beanie's a few months ago. max jagerman, the high school hot shot, had slapped the hot chocolate right out of his hand and let it explode all over his shoes and the floor below. emma had been the first to show the asshole where a mop was, despite nora's protest. no. assholes like that had hands and could mop too. she had gotten pete a fresh hot chocolate and she had written her phone number down on the cup, in case of an emergency. there were plenty of bullies in hatchetfield, some far removed from high school, so she assured him that the outcasts needed to stick together with a soft smile and a wink before she had gone back to work. she didn't think he'd use the number, and frankly, she had forgotten that she had given it to him until her phone was ringing during closing.
𝙖𝙧𝙚 𝙮𝙤𝙪 𝙗𝙪𝙨𝙮? 𝙞 𝙘𝙤𝙪𝙡𝙙 𝙪𝙨𝙚 𝙮𝙤𝙪𝙧 𝙝𝙚𝙡𝙥.
she had hung up after getting his location and told zoey and nora she was heading out for the night as she grabbed her stack of tips and ignored their protests. she was just down the street from pasqualli's, so within ten minutes, she was pulling into the parking lot to find @dorkustm sitting on the curb. he was cradling his left eye in his hand, and when he lifted his head to stand and get in the passenger seat of his car, she couldn't help the way she gawked at the bruise already forming.
" jesus christ, pete, " she exhaled with a slow shake of her head. " was it that jagerman kid? you could report this, you know. though, i don't think these shithead cops are going to do anything at the risk of losing a few high school football games, but this is . . . this is not fucking right -- " she could feel anger boiling in her chest, but it wasn't going to help the matter. instead, a frown tugged at her lips as she studied him for a second longer, " you okay, kid? "
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slautertm · 7 months
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[text from @dorkustm ]: On a scale of one to ten, how many drinks would you need to sleep with me? This isn’t a tiktok trend…or it is.
[ text : spankoffski ] or is it... woah. how mysterious... [ text : spankoffski ] is this a move or is this just the cool trends... [ text : spankoffski ] hmmmmmm well see this is a trick situation because like. it depends on a lot. situation. type of drink. abv. when this theoretical sleeping with you would happen. how the fuck do you put it there's a lot of you know... theatricals. background questions. all that. [ text : spankoffski ] but i mean like. right now? [ text : spankoffski ] 🤔 [ text : spankoffski ] i think 0.
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hatchetnewsarc · 8 months
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@whatscanon ( Emma ) : can we go now ?  like ,  right now ?
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It was a perfect day. An actual perfect day. Ted couldn't put it into other words, but he knew the day he married Emma it'd be a good one. He just didn't expect it to be this good. He'd been glowing since the moment he got out of bed and down to the venue. He socialized with some of their guests for a bit, already eager to see Emma at the appointed time she was meant to walk down the aisle. Eventually he was going to his own designated room to change, dressing himself in a brown suit and green tie-- the accent color of the whole shindig. He'd taken a few minutes in front of a full length mirror to brush his mustache as well as mumble under his breath his vows, wanting to remember then entirely so he didn't have to pull out the notecards Pete helped him make.
Because remembering "you have such a succulent peach" wasn't going to fly in being the only thing he managed to say. He had a whole set of words to say and he wanted to say them, he needed to. Emma deserved to hear every reason Ted loved her and every promise he was going to make her. He'd once envisioned his wedding, when he was younger, but nothing prepared him for the joy he was going to feel in the moment. Then again... he was always imagining marrying someone else. Didn't expect the end game to be who it was but... he couldn't be fucking happier.
He stood beside his brother at the front of the venue when it was time, Hidgens also present for the necessities of being the one to marry Ted and Emma. When the music played, something light and melodic-- nothing traditional, Ted had to bite his tongue to keep from letting dark eyes well up. The sight of Emma knocked the breath out of him and he'd shook a bit where he stood, Pete's hand coming up to clasp his shoulder as a means to ground the older Spankoffski and to show excitement for him. Ted lifted his own hand to pat his brother's, a gesture that was rare between the two but one he didn't put thought into stopping. Ted was happy.
He didn't take his eyes off Emma for the entire ceremony almost out of fear that she'd disappear if he did. Guys like him-- guys who make themselves into guys like him? They didn't luck out like this. They didn't make it and they certainly didn't find an ounce of real happiness, but Ted had. He'd been able to somehow convince Emma he was the right guy for her and now they were going to spend their lives together-- pretty fucking scary, but also? Ted couldn't picture himself with anyone else at this point. He remembered what it was like to love Jenny, but Emma... loving her was easy.
They'd said 'I do' to each other a few hours ago, kissing at the alter in a near movie fashion as tip lifted her off the ground only to scoop her into his arms. He'd carried her from the venue to where they could change into outfits for their reception, but it'd taken them a bit longer to get down there due to the fact Ted refused to stop kissing her.
'we need to go, t!' 'they can wait.'
However they were eventually down that way, Emma in a dress she could easily move around in and Ted in a new Hawaiian button down, green in color to continued the matching theme. They had a late lunch/early dinner with their guests before the festivities occurred, music pouring from speakers and folks dancing with no intentions of stopping. They had the venue until midnight, but Ted was getting randy and antsy by the time ten o'clock rolled around. Okay, fine. He had been since they got undressed in front of each other to change, but he'd bit it back as best he could for as long as he could. Besides, Emma was having fun. He didn't want to take that away from her.
It was only twenty after ten when she came back to him, finding him in conversation with Bill and Paul before being dragged away towards the outdoor area of the venue. A few people were about, but most were engaged in conversation-- only smiling quick in their direction before letting the happy couple do as they wanted. Smoke a joint. It made Ted even worse and he didn't know if she was aware of that, but he was going to make it her problem quite quickly. And when she put the joint out, the silence still lingering between them-- he pounced.
He gently grabbed her by the wrist and gave a yank, pulling her a little further off from the main of the outdoor area and mostly out of sight of others. He released his hold on her only to regain a new one, hand on her hip and other sliding along the side of her neck until he could cup the back of it. He used the hold to tip her head back, drawing her in for a slow and warm kiss that had him rolling just slightly up against her. The action stepped her backwards and him forward, pressing her between the taller and the side of a shed they were stood by. He hummed into the touch, tilting his head and giving her his all despite knowing they had a room full of people celebrating them.
And of course that didn't stop Ted from dropped the hand on her side to the skirt of her dress, flipping it up to drag his palm along her side and hip-- fingers tracing the spot panties met skin. He snapped the band of the lace material, groaning a little at remembering what she wore under the dress. He wanted her. He knew he should be patient, but it was starting to feel impossible. And call him a wimp, but it'd been at least since yesterday since they'd had sex and he was hurting for it. He nipped at her bottom, tugging at it as he drew back to look down at her.
Their eyes met and he let out a low growl, hand falling from her neck to her hip under her skirt on the opposite side of the other. He used the found purchase to spin her around, pressing her up against the shed as he thrust her ass back against his groin. He panted a breath, mumbling out a low, "Fuck, do I want you, Mrs. Spankoffski..."
' can we go now ?  like ,  right now ? '
Her question had him shutting his eyes in thought, breathing hard through his nose and trying to tune out the sounds of everything around them. He knew she meant it despite the fun they were having, he could tell by the way it panted from her mouth. And he knew part of him should tell her they shouldn't go, that they should stay and round it out, but... His eyes opened and he looked down at her, bumping his hips to her then speaking again, "I think we get to make the rules and frankly I'm all for the wedding couple leaves to fuck while everyone else does whatever the hell else--"
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1emon-ice · 3 months
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🎄 Send these trees to ten people you wish to have a good holiday and a happy new year!🎄🥰
Idk if I’m supposed to answer but
@girlscoutbrownies @pro-plargos-shipper @thatoneluckybee @imaoldassman @corvidcrowned @beanieman @peter-hotchocolate-spankoffski @gracechasity-s @gods-favorite-autistic @any of my mutuals
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