#texts ill never send

[felsicveins]

,

#dndads #dungeons and daddies #dndads glenn #glenn close #dndads glenn close #dndads season 1 #dndads s1 #dndads spoilers #cw unreality #tw unreality #i actually forgot about the original copy pasta cause i send a version of this to my friend when i fuck up #but instead of all the text it just says i never learn a damn thing #so ill have to make that one too

[tokyogruel]

thank you for a beautiful new year

[please, do not repost this image. likes and reblogs are welcomed]

#creature speaks #my art #ahhh imnso tired #i am so very tired #all of the images used in this artwork are my own #i was certain i had more images of flowers but apparently not... i have to remedy this next year #if you would like to see a version of this without text. please dm me- i cant guarantee ill be comfortable sending so to everyone #but it never hurts to ask i suppose

[freeshza]

if qsmp was in 2005 i would've made a pretty and beautiful early internet forum website and it would be perfect

#text post #its an amazing idea ill never commit to #hi guys how yall doing btw send a ask if u wanna shrug

[attor]

i think its hilarious that people think my barrier for making doctors appointments is anxiety when its literally just that i will call/try to access results/show up physically to the office over and over again for weeks with no progress bc everyone is doing their job wrong

#flashback to when i went to the imaging center 3 times for a walk in xray that they kept insisting they didnt have a referral for #that my doctor kept insisting she sent a referral for... #or to right now when the stool sample company cant access my results based on my account and patient information.. #or right now when my doctor said she was sending a referral to the gi 2 weeks ago and didnt until yesterday #and ive called the gi 3 times in the last 2 days trying to get an appointment and they tell me this morning to try monday afternoon #bc they havent processed the referral yet!! and the dentist office literally just never picking up the fuckig phone!!!! #going crazy cause i have like 4 months of good health insurance left and everyone is making it IMPOSSIBLE for me to use that shit #text #one day maybe ill move to somewhere with a functional healthcare system...

[get-back-homeward]

i was thinking about how mad day out is the band’s first big photoshoot since brian’s death. and it dawned on me.

the format--a full day photoshoot of several locations around town--is actually a call back to july 2, 1963. when dezo hoffman does a day in the life feature and takes photos of the band at 7 locations across london. those photos are used all over the world throughout the decade, so it was probably the most productive photoshoot they ever did. talk about time well spent.

the two day long shoots bear some vague similarities in location and posing choices: using gardens and streets as background and stopping by the photographer’s studio to get more formal shots. there’s even an echo of the sleepy john shots in john playing a drowned sailor at the pier.

but the largest difference is that the 1963 one was controlled, like 1963 demands from a band with one album on the charts. its normal everyday activities to introduce the boys and show how wholesome and relatable and in sync they are: sitting in a hotel room, waiting in the hotel lobby, walking down a street, visiting the tailor, eating ice cream. the jokes are kept to a minimum, the shots mostly serious and professional. they’re all in ties and proper suit shirts and pants. they still have something to prove. the most scandal is a striptease sign in the background of the rupert court shot. and maybe bananas if you’re uptight about sexy fruit (capitol records, im looking at you).

mad day out is their playground, and it’s a perfect representation of their 68 chaos. paul shows up in a pink suit and stands around looking out of place. john’s wearing all black with ruffles down his chest. ringo’s got yellow ruffles, and george has loud striped pants. they bunch together in front of a tinfoil wall with a wind machine on (perhaps the one idea that isn’t theirs and they hate it). john’s hair flies into paul’s face, and paul chomps down on it. john rubs his face on paul’s cheek, and a look of contentment crosses paul’s face. ringo wraps his arms around john in a mock couple pose, and paul suddenly looks plagued by the devil. paul awkwardly wraps himself in a pink flag, then unfurls it to hold it out in front of them for a shot but never brings himself to look at the camera. then there’s moto helmets and goggles and a bugle and ringo’s wearing a shoe on his head. at some point, they all wrap themselves in pink flags, and john rests his chin on paul’s shoulder.

they go to a theater and there’s a parrot because whimsy. the tensions still persist sans parrot with john and yoko retreating to one side of the room and paul and george in a heated conversation on the other. but at some point, they go wild over the costumes like the theater nerds they are. john goes for leather and shimmering fabrics. paul goes for animal print and loses his pants. paul bares his midriff. at some point they both end up rolling around on the ground for reasons unknown.

they go off to find karl marx’s tomb, but it’s sunday and the cemetery’s closed so they do a bit of mockery about local MP elections instead. climb up a wooden plank onto a hunk of concrete and act out a series of group hijinks, including a fistfight and possibly attempted murder. find a sign to disobey and smirk at the camera as they do it. drink water from a fountain and spit together on cue. become one with the plants in a garden because that’s what bugs do.

they make their way to a pier, where john lies like a supermodel in front of other three. john strips his shirt, so paul follows. john continues with his pants too and then thinks better of it. george steps in front of them to save the shoot from total derailment and john throws up his madman face. a still mostly shirtless j&p armwrestle, like they’re acting out glimpses of liverpool dock life. paul feels like wrapping himself in marine anchor chains. john poses like a dead sailor washed up on the pier, glasses cast aside. without missing a beat, george picks them up and throws them on.

at the end of the day, they end up at paul’s mediation dome. john uses martha as a pillow. paul stares up at the glass. george’s smile hits at the eyes.

most of these photographs sit in a drawer for decades.

#the labyrinths #mad day out #they're just weird girls your honor #1968 #1963 #its wild how long most of these were stuck in a drawer #the tension the gender the angst the joy this photoshoot has it all #that anchor chain sequence is definitely one of those things with a metaphor paul never ever ever examines right? #meandering thoughts #censorship #branding #callbacks #my text #i wrote this out one night after trying to figure out the picture sequence and kinda got carried away #everything relates back to something else was my point when i started this #this sideblogs 8 months old today lmaoooo so hitting send to celebrate #the photo order is as close as i can figure from those released #one day ill get all the corresponding photos linked by today is not that day

[bayrut]

@h-isforhiatus reply to my ask.

#you never reply to my texts -> i check your tumblr to get life updates #i get life updates -> i send you asks when you're online to attempt communication #you receive the asks -> you don't reply but you're online and you like my rbs of yours posts #truly what did i do to deserve this you reply to lizzie's asks #also im pretty sure you have 40+ asks from me unreplying wiating in your mailbox 😔 #this is my last attempt at getting your attention #anyway im gonna go sleep soon and im logging off for a month guess ill get updates via lizzie

[m00sebl00dd]

after five whole years, and two failed attempts - why is it you i still crave at 2am, when the vodka and cigarettes can’t scorch your name out of my god damn fucking throat?

the tears still slip silently down my cheeks like a shower in spring - the way they did the day you decided i wasn’t what you needed anymore.

god, why did i let you slip through my fingers… twice?

#depressive #depressed #depression #alone #sad #lonely #heartbreak #quote #quotd #slam poem #writer #female writers #excerpt from a book ill never write #texts i’ll never send #texts i wish i could send #texts i can't send #relationship #breakup

[dedskul]

The Only Thing That Seems Fair

The sheer numbers of roles that you fulfilled in my life were almost suffocating

You were my mentor

My teacher

My therapist

My confidant

My best friend

My role model

All blended together

With an over-arching motherly attitude combing your roles like glue

How was I supposed to feel about you?

We were close

That was obvious to anyone and everyone

You're friends and collogues donned me with the nickname

Beth's sidekick

It was funny

You'd laugh and roll your eyes but I'd stand proud with my chest puffed out and a smile on my face

So happy and excited because for once I finally felt like I belonged

I was a part of something

Grouped in with YOU

I felt like I was living in a dream world were everyone was nice to me

Where people listened to what I had to say

Where my voice and my experiences were not only validated

But all the unpleasant things about me were too

Behind closed office doors and hotel rooms with do not disturb signs

Late night phone calls

Sunset evenings sitting in the trunk of my Jeep

Breakfasts at your favorite restaurants

Dinners at mine

Things were different

And ever evolving

I felt like a different person when I was alone with you

And maybe I was

My name replaced with

Sweetie

Honey

Sweetheart

Baby

I wasn't April and I wasn't acting like her

But I was defiantly putting on an act

I became whoever you wanted me to be

I did everything you told me to do

Everything you told me to say

Followed the same song and dance routine for three years before you turned your back and gave up on me just like everyone else

Leaving me alone to pick up the pieces

To lie to my friends and all the people I'd met over the years

To disappear into a void of depression, alcohol, drug abuse and self loathing.

But its been 10 years, right?

A fucking decade I've been struggling

Carrying the weight of you wherever I go

Tripping

Stumbling

Falling down

Getting back up

Gritting my teeth

White-knuckling my way though life

But no one ever sees it

Its never acknowledged because its the only way people know me now

Its my new normal

I've buried you and all of the parts of myself that drove our relationship into the ground

Good and bad

And left them to rot in the place where my heart used to be

I died ten years ago and walked into my own funeral disguised as a court hearing

I think a part of you died then too

Because that woman who sat across from me in the aisle was almost unrecognizable

You were a shell of a person

And I was a walking corpse

The prefect duo

Its no wonder why I feel like an imposter

For one I'm not actually dead

And if you were to ask anyone in my day to day life

I'm very much alive and well

Doing better then ever some might say

But that's not really the case

I'm a traumatized, pessimistic people-pleaser

I'm depressed, lonely, and fucking starving for anyone's attention or love

But that's not how it comes across

Because I get compliments

People telling me I'm easy-going

Funny

Loyal

Hard-working

Independent

I can't take any of it seriously

All it means is I've gotten better at hiding it

Over the years the weight has stayed the same and I've simply gotten stronger carrying it around this whole time

But that doesn't mean its not still there

I know its still there

Because it still all that I can do

I can't pick up anything else without my knees buckling

I can't commit to anything

A job

A house

A girlfriend

I've dated the same woman for 8 years

Lived with her for 7 years

And still can't look her in the eyes and to say yes when she asks me to marry her

I can't commit to a tattoo design to cover up the scar on my leg

Because no matter what gets inked into my skin

Your name will forever line my thigh, my memories, my dreams, and the rest of my life

I've tried to grieve

To let it all go and move on

But I can't heal in the same place where I was hurt

Its so hard to drive down the same streets

I pass by ROSMY twice a day

Every day on my way too and from work

And once every few months I'm forced to drive down the same road you and I used to frequent often

Park on the same street you and I did

And walk into the building right across the street from the one I'd spent countless hours with you in

I'll sit in my psychiatrist's office thankful her office window is behind me so I don't have to see the rainbow building where I gave my first ever speech

The same building where I met Karen the fist time

The same building where we raised money together the first time

The same building that covered us from prying eyes when you parked your Subaru around the back and kissed me in the backseat

How in the fuck am I supposed to feel now?

I feel trapped

I feel stuck

I feel like I'm going to feel like this forever

Its been ten fucking years and I still feel like the scared 18 year old kid

With no sense of direction

No future

Crushed hopes and dreams

And You

From what I understand

From the things I've leaned though mine and Karnes newly reunited friendship

Is that you've given up

You sound like a quitter

It sounds like you took the easy way out instead of the high road

You left non-profit work for a job at the federal reserve

You got married

Had a kid

Your a real mom now and not the fake pretend one you used to put on for me

I don't want to look at your life though a distorted lens and judge you

I don't want to be the bad guy

But its so hard to picture you like that

Its hard to imagine you happy and living a fulling life while I'm just now starting to realize what the fuck happened

You fucking hurt me

And not just by leaving

But by taking the knife out of my back

Soothing and healing my wounds

Only to take that same knife and stab in me in the front

And the worse part is you could even look me in the eyes while you did it

You didn't even speak at that court hearing

You didn't even spare me a passing glance as I walked out of your life forever

Then you had the audacity to blame it all on me

Painting me the villain when things didn't go smoothly immediately afterwards

Like you hadn't already done enough damage

Like you hadn't already heard the life drain out of me on that fucking phone call

My girlfriend called you a predator

Anytime I bring you up in conversation I get shut down

She cries

She says its so hard to sit and watch me miss you when everything I've described about our relationship to her sounds like abuse

She says you groomed me

I've done nothing but defend you

Denying it left and right

There was no way YOU did something like that

YOU?

You were my hero

The woman who saved my life twice

Killed me once

Who's kind words, lessons, and life advice brought me back and shaped the person I am today

I'd never believe something like that

But today I'm mad

Today I'm angry because I can't get though a single day without starring at your picture on my phone

I can't sleep at night because you haunt my dreams like a ghost

I can't get into bed with my girlfriend unless the room is pitch black

Because I can't bare to see her body wrapped around your name

And that's more ironic than you'll ever know

Because for me to be in any type of mood to meet her needs I have to have very specific conditions

Conditions that to others may seem a little odd but mostly normal

But for me are symbols and an attempted revision of the past

She doesn't know

And if I do end up marrying her it's something I'll probably take to my grave

But if you saw

You'd know exactly what I've been doing

It brings me shame

Its embarrassing to not be able to be intimae with someone I love unless I put her in a costume and close my eyes

I can't do this anymore

I can't keep playing this game and pretend I'm fine

I'm so fucking mad

And so fucking jealous

So jealous I can't tell if its jealously for your new life

Or for the child you are raising and knowing that they are living the childhood of my dreams and most likely will go on to lead a brighter, happier, bigger life than I could ever hope too

I hope you are actually happy and not secretly miserable like me

But I do hope that every once in a while I haunt you too

I hope you know that you hurt me

And I hope that guilt will eat at you until the day you die

I hope you struggle still too

I hope I find my closure and you never get yours

It's the only thing that seems fair

#my writing #text post #writers #poetry #poets on tumblr #writers on tumblr #short story #tw drugs #tw sh related #actually borderline #bpd feels #bpd thoughts #bpd tag #actually bpd #bpd stuff #bpd favorite person #letters ill never send #letters to you #lgbtq #long reads #borderline personality disorder #bpd problems #living with borderline #bpd fp #bpd blog #bpd life #living with cptsd #cptsd life #living with ptsd #ptsd

[hellbeloved]

im jsut saying. her end of year message 2 her mom would be so depressing, like i want 2 believe she’d send a voice message that eventually gets heard by her mom but? no, i’m going to make it worse. i think she rarely texts her mom bc she thinks calling is a much easier means of reaching her, even if the result is still the same, and yet this would absolutely be one of those unsent text type deals

it’d be the same for luci, but i don’t think she’s probably texted him since her like... teen years u know. anyways what im saying is she’d equally write an excited end of year text message and they’d taper off into smth really sad i.e ‘i wish you understood / listened’ (luci) and ‘i wish you were around’ (lili)

LIKE no i am still on my depressing shit charlie loves her parents so much, and i keep thinking abt her transition from like. being close to luci during childhood to eventually harkening to lilith and despite it all she desperately wants both of their approval in equal measure while trying to not defy the dichotomy between their views and her own. she’s trying to be faithful to her own sense of self

and it hurts raggy

#and u WILL listen to me cry about charlie and her relationship with her parents #like. i don't necessarily think they're bad people u know #it's so much more #nuanced than just 'oh parent bad' or 'charlie ungrateful' #DOESN'T MAKE IT ANY LESS DEPRESSING THO YEET #but yes she would write a text or prep herself to send a voice message #and act it out in her room #only to never hit call #only to never press send on the text #like ugh the mental illness is so chefs kiss

[kirishwima]

*bonks self over head* STOP IT!! YOU'RE BETTER THAN THIS YOU ANXIETY DRIVEN MESS

#why am i so anxious today 😭😭 #i think its bc i have to start making the night shift scedhule #and that means i need to text a lot of people some of which i never even spoke to before #to tell me when they can or cant come in to work #and im. so much better with social interactions nowadays #i can talk to strangers no problem #but occasionally i do get this anxiety and i hate it!!! i know i can do this so why am i freaking out #and my bestie bless her offered to help me make the scedhule #since im shit at organising #every new thing is scary i just have to. deal with it!!!! cmon soph #ill send the first message and see how it goes orz #burrito talks #not fandom related #delete later

[landofgay]

🎶there's something wrong with meeee🎶

#do i just leave it or do i text him smth like 'hows ur day going 😊' #for context we had been messaging all night sending loooong texts cause we had the adhd psychic mind.link.going #and then i said iw as going to bed and i had a ncie time talking #i never heard back :°) #now to be fair there was a big gap between every message so its normal he wouldn't message me back Immediately #but like cmon dude its the next day say SOMETHING. #problem now is i sent the last two texts and one was a big wall of text and i know thats how we had been texting all day but like sheesh #plus in that huge wall of text i forgot to ask him a single follow up question so he has nothing to really respond to i guess 🥲 #idk ill have to try messaging him later if i dont hear from him (this is when i heard from him yesterday) #wish me luck i guess 🥲maybe he'll just message me. #it's hard we've only been talking for two days idk what his texting habits are like 🥲🥲🥲 #and he might be working but idk cause i didnt go in the liquor store lol

[hartmannyoukaigirl]

everytime I'm like "wow I wanna have those kinda friends and be in those kinda groups!" it never works out and I either get groomed or harrassed by men or cancelled by women so I've concluded im like an IRL computer virus that ruins everything and fundementally cannot Be somewhere much less belong and it's better if I simply. don't! simply not be!

#i was in this group that i really really loved despite it being abusive as fuckkk to me n really .. pedophilic lol #and i wasnt the one to really leave it even i forgave them for everything #but even in that group that was my ideal image of a friends group that i was really so glad i was in i #got told to my face that without me. no dramas wouldve happened and they all would be alright and happy #... mutliple times. lol #i asked if i was still their friend and got a pause then a 'just.. dont do that anymore' #that being daring to call out their 24 yo friend for sending me inappropriate texts and images when i was 13 #and calling out someone who was 24/7 actually abusive to me .. and a BUNCH of stuff #sighs .. :" #i can literally never be enough #& when i had boundaries and realized my self worth i became a dangerous radfem. a horrid TERF who wishes to harm everyone!! that never #cared or was nice to any of us ! #sorry for rambling. point being next person to tell me to kill myself ill agree and actually do it

[mooshroomgirlfriend]

just stood up for myself and my needs in my relationship over something small but still deeply important to me. feel like im about to vomit.

#musings #basically i just told them that it hurts my feelings when they dont text me back after i send something vulnerable #they havent texted back but we'll talk abt it in the morning probs #im also deeply embarrassed bc they helped me clean earlier and found like 2 gross things that i forgot i hadnt cleaned on my own #and now im overthinking really hard about how gross they probably think i am and how ill never live it down #<- something said by someone who is unaware they are loved unconditionally and 2 gross things dont change their partners opinion of them

[edgelite]

bothering shopaew costumer support until they ship my order

#pwtees is very small. i think its only run by a few people #aew is a multi million dollar company owned by the son of a billionaire. They need merch distribution #and its been like this for monthhsss YEARS even #im reading shit from someone also based in indiana that it took them months to recieve their stuff. MONTHS!!! #i understand its made to order and i bought a limited edition fucking Expensive design. remind me never to do that again btw #i email support maybe like 3 4 days ago and they gave me a specific day that the orders would ship. that day has passed. NO UPDATE UHHGHHH #and i saw a whole other person say their order was stuck on processing WHEN it was delievered . #this is just causing me a whole load of stress 😭 i have no clue if my package has shipped i have no clue if its been delievered to me #even worse if its been STOLEN i have no fucking clue 😭 ill give it another day. n if i dont get that link to track im sending another email #txt #this is alot of text for tags my fault i just needed somewhere to complain 😭

[savethepinecones]

ive got asthma. i run across a crosswalk and i end up wheezing for a good ten minutes. i dont have much stamina or speed and my asthma limits my ability to even improve these. i have an inhaler that im supposed to use multiple times per day and another one that i use whenever my breathing gets bad.

ive had the asthma since i was a baby, but because i wasnt very active (i was more of a music kid than a sports kid), for a long time it didnt have much of an impact on my life. for a solid chunk of my childhood i more or less forgot i had it at all. sure i would get winded easily but thats normal when youre out of shape right? i never excercised so it must just be that.

in the past several years, though, its gotten worse. wildfires affected air quality in my area and i started to occasionally have trouble breathing just from being outside for too long. i finally went to a doctor and got an inhaler (i hadnt bothered to get one in years since i used it so rarely and even if i didnt my breathing would sort itself out. eventually). currently ive got one that im supposed to use multiple times a day and another that i carry with me to use if i get winded while im out and about. even with these, i still cant run much without it affecting my breathing. i dont especially enjoy running so im not too upset by the lack of it in my life but its frustrating that i cant do it on the occasion that i want or need to do so.

ive had a similar journey with my mental health. i ignored it as a kid, convinced myself everything was fine and normal, until i eventually had to admit to myself that that wasnt the case. what most people considered a brisk walk or light jog was more like running a marathon for me. i only worked parttime for years until i was able to get on antidepressants because i knew fulltime would be too much for me without them. when i did start taking meds, it was still difficult but technically possible.

i managed to keep my pace up for two years before i hit a limit i couldnt force myself to push through. whether id finished the marathon or not, i couldnt keep running. so i took a break. i sat down on a bench, drank some water, and waited for my breathing to slow as i watched others run past, going at a similar speed to what id been keeping, but barely looking winded. i knew i wouldnt be able to return to my previous pace. even once my breathing evened out, i was still exhausted. and i couldnt just will that exhaustion away. i tried anyway. once my lungs had stopped hurting, i stood up and started running again. my legs still ached and my breathing quickly worsened but i had to keep moving so i ignored as much as i could and endured the rest. i stopped several times to take a break but i didnt allow myself to sit again. this went on for maybe two weeks before my legs gave out and i had to find another bench.

since then ive been catching my breath. letting my burning limbs rest. i decided that once i was well and truly ready to start running again, i would go slow enough that i could keep a steady pace without wearing myself out. i probably wont work fulltime ever again.

ive more or less caught my breath but my legs are killing me so even though i want to keep moving, im going to go slow. im walking slowly, gradually picking up the pace while being careful not to push myself too hard. its difficult. im not used to acknowledging my limits. i spent two decades thinking that as long as i didnt collapse i was fine. i hadnt allowed myself to slow whenever my breathing became labored. my lungs would ache but i would continue on my sprint regardless. sometimes i still push myself too hard. other times i think im not running fast enough. i catch myself thinking that even if i cant run like everyone else is, i should do as much as i can. i should determine what my limit is and stay just a hair below that speed. its not comfortable, but this has never been comfortable, so what does that matter?

no, i tell myself. your comfort matters. go at whatever speed works for you. i repeat this to myself as i continue to walk. sometimes i jog a little. im surprised to find it enjoyable. ive always been too exhausted to enjoy the run. still, everyone else maintains the same speed theyve had from the start. they look at me walking and criticize me for not running seriously. some say ive had enough time to catch my breath, so i should get back to sprinting now. i tell them i dont think i should. they say im not trying hard enough.

sometimes i look at the people running past and feel guilty for not keeping pace. like ive let myself down somehow. i remind myself that this isnt a race, its more of a jogging path. im allowed to walk if i need to. people run past, scoffing at me for giving up. i havent given up, i want to tell them. im still walking. still making progress.

someone grabs my arm, pulling me forward. forcing me to match their speed. i know theyre trying to help me, but im tripping over my feet in my struggle to keep up. theyre struggling too, i can tell, but they wont allow themselves to stop or slow. you need to do better, they tell me. tiredness is no excuse. i dont know how to explain to them that i passed tired long ago. i pull my arm away. i cant keep up with you. and thats okay. no its not, they tell me. you must run like the rest of us. walking isnt even close to good enough. they run ahead. i jog for a few minutes, enjoying the run, then stop at a bench for a water break. i begin walking again. i remind myself that thats enough.

#idk what this is its late and ive had a shit day #also its 3 am which certainly doesnt help #ive been thinking about the difference between neurotypical standards of functionality and my own #like if neurotypical 100% is working fulltime eating properly socializing maintaining relationships staying on top of chores etc #then reminding myself to eat three times a day and attempting to fix my sleep schedule is a pretty low percentage #even at my best ill never approach that 100% #my ideal would be something like 75% on that scale #and even that is probably out of my reach realistically #at least for the foreseeable future #idk i just feel like people see that im not working #and assume im not trying at all #when the truth is im genuinely doing my best #anyway feel free to reblog #im not sure if this even makes sense but im just tired enough to think that ive just written something brilliant lol #this was more or less just stream of consciousness so sorry if its inconsistent #im too tired to try to edit it so im just sending this massive block of text into the universe as is

[what-we-think-in-the-dark]

Hello, I just want to announce the start of this. Message/ask me if you have something to say to someone but you know you never will, or wish you had.

#texts i'll never send #things ill never say #confession #words i never said #words i wish i could say #spilled words #words in my head #words i'll never say #first love #first post #new project