#than anyone i know and i remember i literally lost so much of my childhood days to daydreaming and i entirely forgot i used to do that.

[spacebarbarianweird]

Please do

"Look that pretty exoression. I always knew you could make one." + "Let me stay lije this in you for a little bit." 😜

I completely forgot about those smut prompts! Well, a chance to write fics about Tiriel and Astarion!

Our Firsts

Synopsis: Astarion learns some details about Tiriel's past

Thanks @themadlu for beta-reading!

Tags: smut, PIV, NSFW

Read on AO3

Masterlist

Headcanons

Freedom.

Astarion tastes the word on his tongue.

Freedom.

No parasite in his brain. No voice in his head.

Freedom.

He says this to himself daily, getting used to being able to do whatever he wants. Well, as long as it's dark but there is always a price to pay. Besides, he hasn't lost hope of finding a cure.

"Hm? Are you awake?"

Tiriel's voice sounds muffled as she lies her face pressed in the pillow. She sleeps naked, half of her body covered with a blanket. He can see her freckled back and the way her half-elven ears protrude a bit.

Tiriel falls back to sleep again, but Astarion puts his hands on her shoulders and kisses the nape of her neck.

"Wake up, I miss you"

"You are worse than a cat, love," she mutters. "Let me sleep!"

Astarion does mental math and decides Tiriel has slept enough—besides, too much sleep is unhealthy for non-elves.

He hugs her right below her perky tits and turns her around on her back. Her nipples immediately harden, sensing the cold air.

Astarion pauses at her chest for a few moments. He hasn't made love to Tiriel for a few months, since that night in the graveyard. He just couldn't make himself—and Tiriel didn't insist. They literally had sex only twice—back then, when he thought he seduced her and then in the graveyard.

Ever since—all these months—Tiriel has been showing him all forms of intimacy that  don’t involve sex.

He especially enjoys cuddling during sleep, even though he just lays motionless with Tiriel in his arms for all these insanely long silent hours she needs to rest.

"Date a vampire, they say," she covers her face with her palms. "You will be able to sleep the whole day, they say".

Astarion leans toward her and kisses her hands. She looks adorable—puffy eyes, dark circles because of the excess ale she drank the day before, a string of drool on her chin.

"Is it night?"

"Not yet."

They sit like that in silence. Astarion looks at Tiriel—there are so many questions he wants to ask her. There is nothing about his life she doesn't know—but he realizes he doesn't know much about her.

Except for her miserable childhood and twenty years of traveling, when a runaway girl from the Sunset Mountains slowly became a furious warrior capable of challenging gods, monsters, and fate.

"Tiriel."

"Hm?"

"Can I ask you something?"

"Sure," She caresses his back scars and kisses the center of the disgusting symbol carved into his skin.

"Did you have many..." he tries to find an appropriate word. Lovers? Sexual partners? Significant others? He called his victims conquests and lovers but, gods, he wishes he never had to sleep with them. It was all dirty and tainted, and he often wanted to flay his skin himself. 

Just to forget.

"I mean. Was there anyone before me? I am just curious."

Tiriel looks at him. Her eyes have different colors—the right one is closer to blue, and the left—is more green.

"No one."

"Tiriel, I am not jealous or anything. I just ... want to know"

"And I am letting you know you were my first. In terms of relationship and in terms of sex. You were the first person in this whole world after my bitch of a mother who saw me naked. And you are the first person who I am in love with."

Astarion pulls away. Memories of their first night together flash before his eyes. He remembers being prepared for a long evening of seduction and sweet words before Tiriel the Barbarian was at his side, but when he turned his head to her, she was already naked and looking at him with such defiance that he got right to the point.

"Tiriel, I am sort of a professional in these matters. You were not a virgin."

"I was. Astarion, there are plenty of ways a girl can explore her body without involving other people, especially the ones with cocks between their legs. If the matter of my virgin blood bothers you, it was spilled somewhere in Elturel. I don't remember the name of the Inn. And the stone thing of the "proper" form was left in the room I'd rented."

Tiriel touches his left ear and it sends an electrical impulse through his body. "As for my behavior, I was so afraid I would be turned into a monster, my self-control and fears had offed themselves. You had been courting me for days, saying words no man ever told me. And I decided it was my chance to finally get this...experience. And I wasn't disappointed— that night was everything. I was a bit sad you weren’t offering to repeat the experience,as if you didn't like me enough. But whatever—you are my first love, my first kiss, my first sex, my first relationship. And gods, I hope you are also the last"

Astarion intertwines Tiriel's fingers with his. Then he kisses her knuckles and she giggles at the sensation.

"My love," he manages to say.

In a way, she is also his first. Not only the first sentient creature he'd dined on—and her blood always tasted different to him—she was the first he kissed voluntarily, the first person he slept with for his own sake, the first he fell in love with and the first... he wanted to be with.

Of course, she is mortal and even though half-elves live much longer than humans they don't have much time in comparison with his immortality, or the longevity of elven years.

But he prefers not to think about it.

Tiriel kisses the tip of his nose. Her facial expression becomes playful.

"You are the only one who saw me naked," another kiss. "You are the only one who touched me. The only one who was inside me and the only one who filled me. All these years..." she kisses his lips. "I was saving myself for you".

She stops, waiting for his response. They agreed that since he has no idea when he’ll want to have sex again (but he will want to someday), she is free to initiate—and he is free to stop her.

Before now, she'd done it three times—and he never found the moral strength to let her continue.

Tiriel waits. Astarion feels her arousal. If he says "no", she will just use her fingers to pleasure herself somewhere behind a tree. She won't be angry or annoyed. She never is. For Tiriel, the relationship is so much more than sex, her focus is on other things.

He caresses her cheek, trying to decide what to do.

But his own body has already made a decision and he feels tension in his pants.

He wants her.

He wants to fuck her.

He wants her to scream his name, to scratch his back, to come because of his touches. He wants to see the red sparkles in her eyes when she rides her orgasm, a distant shade of what’s happening to her when she is in a rage.

He wants her to clench around him, to tug him so close he won’t be able to pull away by himself.

He grabs her shoulders and pushes Tiriel on the bedroll. She is already naked and he doesn’t need to waste time on dealing with her clothes.

Astarion kisses Tiriel and slips his hand between her legs. 

“So wet for me,” he murmurs.

He gets rid of his shirt and leans to kiss Tiriel again. She reaches out for the laces of his trousers and sets his manhood free.

“So hard for me,” she answers and strokes him.

It doesn’t take him a lot of effort to get rid of the rest of his clothes.

He aligns himself with her swollen entrance and slips inside, causing Tiriel to gasp.

“I forgot how thick it is,” she whimpers in pleasurable pain. “Damn, let me adjust”

Her walls clench around him and Astarion thinks he is going to cum right away.

“How did you even survive the first time?” he coos, wrapping himself around her. Now his teeth are right in front of her neck and her heart is so close he can mistake its beat for his own.

“I was drunk and had a parasite in my head. Besides, you had bitten me,” she pants. “And … oh gods… I couldn't shut my legs the next morning…”

He rolls his hips, forcing Tiriel to moan, and thrusts with all the passion he’s saved in those months.

She grabs a fistful of his hair and now it’s his time to groan with pleasure. 

“Tiriel,” he gasps looking into her eyes.

“Don’t … hold…yourself,” she begs.

Astarion pins her down to the bedroll.

“Don’t ask for what you can’t endure.”

“Try me, my love.”

He moves down and pierces her neck. Blood gushes down his throat. He pulls away after a few gulps and licks the skin.

Then, he goes down covering her body in bites and kisses, her blood mixing up with his saliva.

He elbows up so he can see her face and thrusts harder and harder. Her moans become cries, her fingers pierce his skin and her legs wrap around his waist tugging him close.

His mind gets blurry—his whole world is shrunk to their small tent, Tiriel’s heartbeat, and the wet warmth between them.

Astarion feels his release getting close and he presses his forehead to hers.

He finishes inside Tiriel and collapses on her like a weighted blanket.

Tiriel pants. Her face is red and her eyes are completely empty. Her mouth is half open and her whole facial expression is so stupid he grins.

“Look at that pretty expression. I always knew you could make one.”

Tirel finally makes eye contact with him and pats his hip.

“What is it darling?”

“Don’t you want to pull away?”

“Let me stay inside you for a little bit,” he places his head on her breasts. Tiriel’s body is warm and safe and he doesn’t want to move.

She kisses the crown of his head. “Then, stay.”

Time passes slowly. Tiriel draws invisible lines on his back and shoulder.

He finally releases her hips and adores her body. She is covered in bite marks, and there are bruises on her wrists. Legs are still wide open and his spend leaks on the bedroll.

Tiriel sits up and presses her knees against her chest. She doesn’t make an effort to clean the sticky mess.

“Are you all right?” She finally asks.

He nods. Gods, he wants to do that over and over again. 

“It’s dark already. No matter how much I love being covered in blood and sweat, I desperately need to wash. And, I think, so do you.”

“Careful, darling, I might want to have another round.”

“Who said I wouldn’t want to?”

--

Tag list

@tugoslovenka @marcynomercy @wintersire @vixstarria @not-so-lost-after-all @ashiro20 @theearthsfinalconfession @herstxrgirl @starlight-ipomoea @micropoe10 @astarion-imagine-archive @veillsar @elora-the-slutty-songstress @fayeriess @lumienyx @tallymonster @caitlincat-95 @tragedybunny @valeprati @lynnlovesthestars @marina-and-the-memes @waking-electric @ayselluna @connorsui @asterordinary @darkarchangel96 @locallegume @brainfullofhotsauce @coffeeanddonutscafe @my-queen-rhaenyra-targaryen @queenofthespacesquids

#astarion #baldur's gate 3 #bg3 astarion #astarion bg3 #astarion romance #bg3 #baldurs gate 3 #astarion fics #astarion fic #astarion fanfic #spacebarbarian fics #tiriel of the sunset mountains #tiriel the barbarian #astarion x tiriel #oc tav: tiriel #astarion smut #astarion x tav smut #baldurs gate 3 astarion #astarion acunin #astarion ancunin #astarion baldurs gate #astarion baldurs gate 3 #astarion fanfiction #astarion my beloved #astarion imagine #astarion x oc #tav x astarion

[harukapologist]

rambling about Haruka

As an ND person I just hate how Haruka's character is either completely infantilized or reduced to a selfish, evil murderer, when, to me, he is so much more than that.

Especially the latter; I hate when any MILGRAM character is called evil because what's the point of MILGRAM, then? They're all morally grey! That's how they test us. But Haruka in particular because I feel like it comes from a place of ableism, intentional or not.

I'm not sure if I should put TWs, but well I talk about ableism, murder (obviously lol), childhood trauma and well... it's Haruka

Haruka's outburst in the VD and his implication of killing animals (I know it's basically canon but erm... i can explain why I think it's an implication later) (i just finished writing the post and actually i explained why at the bottom of the post but its not a full explanation so lol) are the reasons I see people calling him either evil or childlike, and while I do think that Haruka is stuck in a childlike state in some aspects, this is emotional dysregulation of an ND and/or traumatized person, to me.

The uglier sides of being ND/traumatized, the ones that get heavily stigmatized and seen as intentional or evil; I think this was a display of one of them. And I really wish to see more people focusing on Haruka's disability in the ways it can affect his communication and day-to-day life skills more than "oh, poor baby, he has a disability that makes him feel unwanted" without actually understanding the details of the disability and, well, the reason why it is a disability.

Like, the emotional dysregulation that comes with being autistic, which is my headcanon for him. The hyperempathy and literal thinking that might make him harder to communicate with, and get people frustrated with him more often.

That and being severely neglected; I think neglect is one of the lesser discussed forms of childhood trauma and the fact that Haruka was shown to be neglected as well as abuse really means a lot to me, because I think some people don't quite understand just how much neglect and isolation fucks you up.

All those factors combined are a recipe for an unstable, impulsive, clingy shell of a human, and him getting called evil for that really saddens me. It's important to remember that these MVs are extracted from the prisoners' own memories and thoughts. It comes from their perception of their surroundings, their murders, and their own selves. The manic look that Haruka has on his face for a lot of AKAA, for example. The makeshift shirt he's wearing, as if he's desperately trying to sew himself together into a normal person, the exhausted, frustrated look when he picks up the necklace, it's important to remember that this is how he sees himself. A monster who has lost control of himself. The line "I'll keep killing to be your good boy" was a shock, but the way he meekly apologized to Es at the end of his VD, I really think that shows that he feels guilty, that he wants to convince himself more than anyone that he was a good person, that he was really trying to be one despite how his unlucky life frustrated him to his breaking point.

As for his infantilization, it has already been addressed by many thoughtful members of the fandom and I'm grateful to see that, but I also want to say it myself since god knows I hate being patronized.

It feels very ableist saying he's just "someone stuck in a childlike mindset/age regressor" Yes, and how does age regression as a coping mechanism develop? Usually through prior trauma that makes you "stuck" at said age, and that can present differently. It can be longing and yearning for a simpler time, for an actual happy childhood, or having flashbacks to a traumatic event that happened at a certain age; it is not uncommon for trauma survivors to be "frozen" at the age their trauma took place.

I think both of these are the case for Haruka. Frozen at that moment, but trying to reduce himself to nothing but a little, unaware child to avoid reliving it again, relishing in the innocence and purity of his good younger times (emphasis on purity--Haruka's murder was by strangulation, yet there's a shot in AKAA where he's covered in blood. I know it's after he killed the animals, but he's in the stitched-together outfit here; I think there's more to this MV than just killing the animals. Since this outfit is... not very likely to be worn in reality, did the animal killing happen at all? Even if it did, I think this shot remains an indicator that he sees himself as impure; guilty. I have a LOT to say about the inconsistencies in Haruka's MVs, but I'll save that for later... Anyway, back on topic) It is NOT "having the mental capacity of a child, so being unable to date etc." Haruka has still lived 17 years, maybe even more, since he isn't too interested in remembering his age. How do you treat actual neurodivergent people if this is how you see him?

When I rewatch the MVs, relisten to the VDs, reread the interrogations and timelines, I see no evil, just an incredibly broken, misunderstood person.

#please excuse any inconsistencies or spelling mistakes its almost 5am ive been awake all night lmaooo #im open to discussion but pls be nice :( #im a relatively new milgram fan (got into it just when ILY MV came out—got hyperfixated oct/nov) so please inform me if I say anything wrong #i love haruka so so much aaugh #i will defend him till my last breath #milgram #sakurai haruka #milgram project #haruka sakurai #jay rambles bleh idk #should i even tag this #i feel so scared to share my thoughts on the milgram prisoners AAA i hope everything makes sense

[imaginethathaikyuu]

literally anything with atsumu i love him and ur writing is always up to par so. i will be happy with anything. but a cute birthday themed piece could be fun perhaps

thank u so much i wrote this specifically for u and i managed to write a weirdly formatted atsumu centered fic that barely went over 1k words. we are so back

contains: fluff, mild childhood angst, a black eye, birthday cake word count: 1163 gender neutral reader x miya atsumu :p

-

October 5th, 1995 

Atsumu Miya is born. He’s gifted a bright flash of light, the sound of his own cries, and - seven minutes later - a brother. 

October 5th, 2003

There was a HAPPY BIRTHDAY banner taped to the cabinets in the kitchen. The R was ripped nearly in half, and the colors were dull. 

It was the same one as last year, and the year before that. 

Atsumu walked through the threshold with his brother right next to him. Osamu knew how to say thank you in the right way to get the best hug from their mom. 

They were presented with one singular cupcake. 

“Why can’t we ever get our own?” 

The two boys sat too close at the kitchen table, the strawberry cake sat right in front of them. 

“You have to learn how to share, Atsumu.” 

He knew how to share. There was nothing left to learn.

One candle was mashed in the frosting. Mom lit the flame and Atsumu watched wax dripping onto his half as she sang their happy birthday song, and told them to make a wish. 

Atsumu and Osamu looked at each other, then blew at the candle at the exact same time. 

The cupcake was cut in half, and Atsumu’s stomach hurt before he could finish his. Osamu took it without being asked. 

But if they had each gotten their own, Atsumu would've had more to share with his brother. 

October 5th, 2010

Atsumu was fifteen and he knew everything. He was always right - never, ever wrong, and if anyone disagreed, they’d have to take it up directly with him. 

He knew how to run his mouth. Maybe it was what he was best at. He’d never lost an argument - until his fifteenth birthday. 

He’d gotten good at taking his aggression out in healthy ways - mostly in sports. But, sometimes, the words he spit couldn’t be left on the court. 

He would say what he wanted, and he didn’t care who heard or hurt. 

He didn’t know what he had coming to him. 

The entire team had already abandoned the gym, all but Atsumu and the shitty middle blocker who played like he didn’t know his position. 

Atsumu was outside stretching when his words hit his ears. “You’re a piece of shit, Miya.” 

“Oh my god - get in line, dude, you’re about the fifth person today to let me know.” 

“That many people wanna rip your head off? I wish one of them would teach you how to shut the fuck up.” 

“And I wish someone would teach you how to block the fuckin’ ball.” 

The guy didn’t reply. He took one step in Atsumu’s direction - he remembered hearing the crunch of gravel under the guy's foot. His shoulder moved with the step, and with it, the first real punch Atsumu had ever been thrown. 

And it hit. Hard. Ten times harder than any hits from Osamu. 

The guy’s fist collided with Atsumu’s cheek and then he walked away. Atsumu didn’t even have a chance to hit back - he was frozen in place, anyway. There was no fight in him. He was too surprised. 

A black eye wasn’t on his wishlist for his birthday, but it’s what he got. A lesson learned? Not so much. 

October 5th, 2019

He was another year older - so what. 

The only part of Atsumu’s birthday that he liked was giving his brother a stupidly expensive gift, because it gave him an excuse to gloat. 

Other than that? It was a day like any other. 

Birthdays were nowhere near special to him - especially his own. But it just so happened that on that specific birthday, he had his first date with you. 

And it didn’t even come up in conversation. Neither did his twin brother, or any of his volleyball stories he’d usually tell to impress a date. 

Atsumu found out that he didn’t need to impress you, and he hardly needed to talk about himself. 

He left that date feeling like he was friends with you, and maybe that wasn’t how he should feel after a date, but he was beaming. The hours with you at that hole in the wall bar didn’t feel like enough. 

He took that feeling and ran with it, and he hoped - he prayed - you’d follow him. 

October 5th, 2022

It’d been late nights for as long as Atsumu could remember. He’d come home and you’d already be in bed - if he was lucky, you’d wake up just long enough to tell him you love him. 

That night was different from the rest. 

That night, he would be coming home to - literally - an empty home. 

Finally, you and Atsumu had moved into the house of your dreams that was yours. But, for the time being, you were living out of boxes and waiting for furniture deliveries. 

He opened the door to a dark living room and an even darker hallway, and he didn’t bother turning any on lights to get to the kitchen. 

There was a shred of light there, coming from an old bulb above the stove. He looked around the empty room and what he found was out of place. 

There you were, sat on the floor. A chair was next to you, funnily enough, but it was taken by a round white cake. A handful of candles were stuck into the top. 

“What are you doing?” he asked, the same time you spoke. 

“There’s my birthday boy,” and your voice was all sleepy smiles. “Happy birthday. Happy anniversary.” 

He sat in front of you, right on the floor, not caring when his knees popped on the way down. 

“Did you stay up just to tell me that?” 

“What’s wrong with that?” 

You picked up the cake and presented it to him like you were proud of it, and the size of his grin matched yours. 

“How mad would you be if I just tipped this up,” and he tapped the bottom of the plate, “right into your face?” 

“Atsumu.” Every time you said his name like that, he laughed. “I would kill you.”

“On my birthday?” 

He watched you pout as you sat the cake down again. “Aren’t you going to say thank you?” 

“Thank you,” he said, like he was insisting. He wrapped his hands around your legs and scooted you closer to him. “Thank you, baby, this is so nice.” 

You hummed. “You’re welcome.” And you dipped your finger in the frosting on the cake, and Atsumu immediately caught your wrist when you moved it toward his face. 

“Don’t you dare.” 

You kept pushing, and he didn’t push back fast enough - your finger and the glob of frosting smushed right into his cheek. 

And you laughed loud enough to fill the empty rooms of your house, and Atsumu didn’t know how to tell you how in love he was. 

He had birthday cake for dinner that night, and it settled into a sugary stomach ache. It was the best October 5th he'd lived through so far.

-

got a request for a drabble? send it in, i might write it :)  

#YOOO WE'RE SO BACK #kris posted two days ago. im posting today. is the haikyuu fandom back in business #are we bringing the content back to the people #i say this as if the fandom is dead. which i dont know if it is. #its dead to me so long as i'm not writing fics like its my 9 to 5 #haikyuu imagines #haikyuu x reader #atsumu miya #atsumu miya x reader #miya atsumu #hq x reader #haikyuu one shot #drabbles #uhhh #i always feel like im not tagging enough things but i dont remember all the tags. whatever #now im gonna go write the steve harrington fic i started today that is so good and also the best idea ive ever had. in case anyone wondered

[a-literal-toaster-wtf]

Arnold J. Rimmer is autistic: a (in)complete list of evidence

let me preface this by saying i am autistic so what i say goes <3

but on a serious note, there is SO much evidence that rimmer is autistic and i’m here to display it all, i guess! everything i list here i also experience, so trust me on this one.

1. special interests and attachment to certain items

i think the most obvious example of this would be in s3 e2 “marooned”. he has such a strong attachment to his soldier figures (forgive me i cannot remember what they are called) and his camphorwood chest he’s literally willing to burn *his 20k+ dollarpounds* instead. in this episode he also mentions that as a child, when his favourite shoes were ruined he cried for weeks. he even mentions that he himself was thrown into the septic tank, not specifically his shoes - but he focuses on the shoes. he obviously had a very strong attachment to those shoes - stronger than an allistic kid probably would.

now, special interests - you cannot tell me his obsession with the military isn’t a special interest. as a person with special interests, his strong fixation on military history reminds me of how i interact with my special interests. i also believe that aliens and space were definitely a special interest for him in s1 - s2, but he doesn’t seem to bring it up much after that - but losing special interests or having them come on and off is definitely a thing that happens to me, so it can happen for him too.

2. missing the point/not looking at the bigger picture and focusing on small details instead

once again, citing marooned for this one. when lister tells rimmer he lost his virginity at 12 years old on a golf course, rimmer instead realises that at that age lister would not be able to be a full member of the golf club, meaning he would be trespassing - instead of the obvious point that 12 is VERY young to be having sex. another example of something going over rimmer’s head is in s2 e5 “queeg”, when lister tells rimmer the “shoes have soles” joke, it completely goes over his head - and when you think he’s going to figure out that it’s a joke, he instead says “how did the shoes open the car door?”

3. stimming

over the course of the show i have picked up on a LOT of different ways i’ve seen rimmer stim. here are the ones i’ve compiled:

bouncing leg

chewing/biting nails

biting fist

doing that little subtle bounce on his heels

swinging arm

pacing

honestly at this point i’m convinced his classic salute is a stim, as he’s seen doing it out of excitement in s2 s2 “better than life” when receiving news he’d past his exam (he also does it twice in a row for no reason at the end of tongue tied)

there’s probably more that i’m missing lol.

4. missing social cues

in s4 e6 “meltdown”, lister and cat are very obviously not interested in the story rimmer is telling - but he continues telling it nonetheless, not realising they don’t want to keep listening. while this could’ve been just him ignoring that they don’t want to listen, i’m choosing to think it’s the former option. he also wasn’t aware that gazpacho soup was served cold, which should be general knowledge for someone of his age. there’s probably other examples of this happening but i’m getting tired and can’t be bothered searching.

and now: a list of things that i’ve noticed but either don’t know how or can’t be bothered to expand on!

misophonia

hearing electricity

trouble keeping relationships

heavily bullied in childhood (and in adulthood too)

trouble with initiative (“i never think for myself!”)

low empathy

need for routine and organisation

similarly, organises things for fun

this is all the evidence i can think of at the moment, but if anyone has anything to add feel free!! i’ll probably end up adding more to this in time.

[diluvv]

a/n: mona's voiceline about diluc made me think about this so i'm using this to get back into writing 😪 this is barely a story it's literally just a little drabble/ficlet

word count: 360

warnings: mentions of death, a little angsty 🫨

diluc was destined to be alone. destined to solitude, away from the company of others as he tended to mondstadt's safety. perhaps noctua was truly the sign of wealth, but not one of the city's citizens could deny his lonesome nature.

left without a mother at a much too young age to even remember her presence, diluc was accompanied by his father and the winery staff. he was lucky enough to be graced with a brother just a few months younger than him to fill his childhood with playful bliss. despite the happiness from those times, the young master will never forget what it felt like to hold his dying father in his very own arms. he will never forget how his world crashed down, learning of kaeya's betrayal not long after.

he had lost the two people he cared about most so quickly, like a flash of lightning. how could he trust anyone anymore? that was all that crossed his mind, up until he returned to mondstadt. then, one cold and starry night at the tavern, he met you.

you rebuilt his faith in people. you were patient, you were caring, you were kind. and so, so loving. how could he not fall for someone so perfect? he made sure to cherish every smile you showed him, focusing on how your eyes crinkled slightly and how they shone so much brighter when they landed their gaze on him. when he saw the pure joy etched on your ethereal face as he slipped the ring on your finger, his world was complete again. the days you spend together, the nights you held each other. even after arguments, you always made up the same day- neither of you could bear the thought of leaving the other.

however, diluc was destined to be alone. as he sat down on the bright green grass right beside the carefully carved stone, he let out a sigh. he made sure it was perfect that day, despite knowing that you'd scold him for fussing about something like this. he placed the bouquet of cecilias right in front of it, he cleared his throat.

"they miss you, my love. it's... truly not the same. all of mondstadt seems so dull now. yet...

none of them combined will ever miss you like i do."

this is so crap omg but omg i miss writing so much

#diluc imagines #genshin impact #diluc x reader #diluc angst #diluc fluff #diluc x you #diluc ragnvindr #diluc ragnvindr x reader

[dekusleftsock]

I love your analyses so much! Especially the one about why bkdk and togachako aren't toxic. You really changed my mind on bkdk, so thanks for that!!

Awww you’re so sweet!!! Ty!

I feel like fandom has a habit of either exaggerating something, or straight up using the wrong terms because they don’t know what the term really is.

Toxic, abusive, etc are so wildly used for so many different things. And authors intent also gets lost in that. A story and it’s interpretations can easily be taken and malformed and destroyed. Prime example would actually be the first Matrix released in 1999. It’s a movie about trans identity, the allegory being confirmed by the authors years later, yet most people remember the matrix simply because of the “red or blue pill” scene, taking it as a silly joke.

So I feel like it’s really easy to get trapped in the whole “this ship is toxic” mantra, especially on platforms that aren’t tumblr. (Tumblr too ofc, but it’s easy to just find a post and create a new opinion since the algorithm isn’t necessarily built to keep you in an echo chamber)

And it also just feels toxic itself? It doesn’t promote critical thinking to just say “this ship is abusive”, especially when that word is so unbelievably watered down.

Going back to authors intent, if you told me “Yoon Bum and Sangwoo are toxic and abusive as fuck from killing stalking” I’d say, “no shit Sherlock” because it was from start to finish supposed to BE THAT WAY. (And anyone who says they aren’t I fully don’t trust you that was absolutely not the point of killing stalking) BKDK always falls into this toxic/abusive mantra because of the bullying and the general rough dynamic that Katsuki creates. And that’s stupid in my opinion. Most of its hatred is built off of people’s own experiences with bullying and a refusal to let a character grow and change when they have a trait they don’t like. For some reason people see mass murder or serial killers as more redeemable or better people than childhood bullying. WHICH THAT BULLYING???? MOST OF ITS RETCONNED NOW AND BASED OFF OF ASSUMPTIONS OF WHAT BAKUGOU ACTED LIKE.

The killing yourself comment he told deku? Literally retconned. I’m so done with that shit. Like I could attempt to tell these people why character development matters more than their stupid fucking opinions, but atp I’d literally rather just say “it’s retconned” because it fucking is.

Any opinions people have of togachako being toxic or something I’ve just straight up brushed off as misogyny. BECAUSE IF A MAN WAS IN THAT DYNAMIC… IF A MAN WAS THE HERO… IF A MAN FIXED HER EVERYONE WOULD FUCKING LIKE IT

Because people like when men fix women. But ochako doesn’t WANT to fix her. She likes the current toga. She just doesn’t want the murder. Good fucking day.

#this got so long and went off as a tangent for no god damn reason oml #anyway I feel very close to the they’re gonna be cannon zone and I’m excited #bkdk #they make me so sillay #togachako #ugh #ty for the ask tho it was sweet and genuinely made me smile

[anthropwashere]

I've gotten two letters from my mom since my aunt died last month and they've both been just. So, so aggressively manipulative. Y'all can skip this post. I'm not looking for sympathy likes/replies. I just need a good rant and sometimes it does pay to yell into the Tumblr void.

Still—still!—she insists I have never told her why I refuse to speak to her anymore. She has the receipts on this, going all the way back over a decade ago to my early 20s when I conceded to communicate to her solely through e-mails. That avenue of communication ended with me blocking her pretty much everywhere online after she called me a sociopathic bitch on a public platform family, friends, and coworkers followed me on. Very cool of her, very mature.

(If memory serves she was arrested shortly thereafter. Pity it wasn't for something more serious than, jeez, I can't be assed to remember. Something to do with her driver's license? I know she asked me for a couple grand about it and cussed me out when I told her my baby Airman ass literally did not have the money even if I were inclined to help her.)

Every single letter she sends me includes a brief tangent about how she's been watching YouTube videos about estranged families (both sides! she always includes the both sides!). She always says she wants to understand but she can't because I've never told her why I refuse to talk to her anymore.

How many phonecalls, how many HOURS, have I wasted crying in rage and despair as I try to tell her all the ways she hurt me, physically and emotionally and mentally, before I realized she'd never accept it? That she would always, always try to gaslight me like this? That she'd give me that guileless, wide-eyed and furrowed brow anxious stare and that high, plaintive goddamn voice. That she'd convince me time and time and time and time again that maybe, maybe I'm overreacting?

This most recent letter was a real treat. She went out of her way to say she wasn't trying to guilt trip me, really, but she's JUST lost both her sisters AND her parents in the last year and she's terrified she might die soon next so WHY won't her ONLY DAUGHTER just TALK to her? 😭

So, firstly. I can only speak for myself and my interpretations of what my extended family will feel, but I'm pretty goddamn sure we're all gonna CHEER when she finally fucking kicks the bucket. Ain't nobody gonna miss her when she croaks. Even if her sisters outlived her that'd be the same. My only complaint when she does die is that I'm gonna insist on paying for all of the funerary expenses because she's already leeched too goddamn much from the rest of the family. No way is anyone gonna pay for her bullshit one last time, even if that means paying folks back with interest after I fly back to California. And you can be sure I'm gonna go out of my way to take the cheapest route possible at every opportunity out of spite. This woman doesn't deserve better than the bare minimum. That's all she's ever given everyone else after all.

Secondly, I will concede the fact that yes, she's lost both her sisters in the last year, not even a full year apart from each other. And that sucks! It's extremely fucking sad! My aunts raised me as much as she did, and they both sure as hell paid for more of my childhood needs than she ever did. I was able to afford to go to my younger aunt's funeral last year, but even with the surprise disability backpay I got this year I've been dealing with a lot of owning-a-100+-year-old house expenses (such as replacing the entire goddamn original roof) this year, so I genuinely couldn't make the trip for my older aunt's funeral. Two family members offered to pay for my flight and I just couldn't accept that kindness because I grew up watching my mom take and take and take and take from the family.

THIRDLY HOWEVER.

Her mom, my maternal grandma, died TWENTY YEARS AGO. Her dad, my maternal grandpa, died THIRTY YEARS AGO. And she hated her parents! She fucking loathed them! I spent more of my childhood being her psychologist instead of her goddamn child; ALL I HEARD ABOUT was how much she hated and resented her parents. This is THE first time I've heard her trot them out since I lived with her back in the 00s, and it might damn well be the first halfway-positive mention of them since long before that? This is so transparent an act I can't help but be insulted that she'd think I'd take the bait? Using the LITERAL DEATHS of others to try to goad me into talking to her?

Like. Jesus. Last year at my younger aunt's funeral just about every single member of the California-centric family pulled me aside to ask if my mom was being too much. My aunt's CHILDREN, damn near non-functional with grief, asked if I needed help handling my mom. And there were a couple occasions where I damn near admitted yeah! She's being too much! She won't stop fucking touching me! She won't stop making her sister's death about herself! And here she is, a year later, doing the same goddamn thing again with her other sister's death!

She's a manipulative, gaslighting abuser who refuses to grow up and accept responsibility and/or repercussions for her actions despite being in her late-60s. She gleefully twists the knife into whoever she can get her hands on and acts SO distraught and SO betrayed when people find fault with her actions and behavior. I don't know a single person who knows her to like her anymore once she's shown her true colors, and somehow she's still convinced she isn't the problem.

What a waste. What a fucking waste.

#toxic relationships #days before i went to basic training she told me she was either going to become a nun or kill herself #because she didn't know how to live without me #that was not remotely the first time she threatened suicide to keep me in line #nor the last #sorry. sorry. this rant got bigger than i expected. #anger has been percolating #i try to let go of parent-bullshit as much as possible as a direct middle finger to how i was raised #but sometimes i just gotta lay it all out and gesture violently at it all #i'm not crazy! she's awful! she's really awful! fuck this person right out of my life! die faster please! #cousin if you see this post i'm doubly not looking for sympathy from you. #i'm ranting and petty and speaking in broad terms because i almost always speak in broad terms when ranting about shit on this site

[subspaceember]

Thinking on Education

I just started reading a work on what I've learned is called "unschooling". I had never heard that term before now, however it seems to somewhat align with how I learned - or at least some of how I learned. Growing up I was homeschooled. This is something that I've given quite a lot of thought about over the years. Sometimes I've felt more or less distraught about my childhood education. I used to wonder if a lot of what I thought were social shortcomings were influenced by my homeschooling. After much further reflection - I think that disparity has much more to do with my autism and queerness, rather than simply my education; and from living in a system designed to leave people like me out - or worse destroy us. However I also know that my homeschooling adventure wasn't perfect. Namely because my parents weren't perfect. I remember fondly the aspects of my education which aligned with unschooling much better than the parts that were home-schooling. Examples include my learning how to program computers, and disassembling VCRs, and looking at mushrooms and birds, and looking them up in books. My parents did do a decent enough job providing me with access to some amount of resources for allowing me to just learn and explore what I wanted to. However, then came church.

My parents and nearly all of my family are deeply lost in stuffy Baptist churches that smell of dust and rubbery green beans and sound like casual bigotry and fluorescent lamps. I grew up in churches like that. So the lecturing and conforming that I lacked at home, I got from church. I remember Sunday school lessons taught by long-retired school teachers who smelled of gas station cigarettes and thought the paddle was the best thing to ever happen to kids. In my reflection now, church was worse than school in most regards. It pushed rhetoric and the idea that there was a "norm" I had to comply with. Then it pushed homophobia and causal racist remarks. And then it followed me home.

Growing up was confusing in many regards, because for every interesting thing I could chase down, there was something else my parents refused to let me explore. Mushrooms and plants and computers and electronics were all fine. But then then there would be something that clashed with the church. They refused to teach evolution, refused to teach anything about sex or gender, refused to comment on racism or queer identities. I remember when I first started getting curious about sex, I worked up to it, and then asked my parents about masturbating. Their response? "Never do that again." That was all I got. This was very confusing to me, why was this off-limits? I started having other questions, questions I couldn't get the answer to, I started wanting to explore what it would be like to be fem instead. But that knowledge definitely wasn't allowed (not that they had it in the first place). It wouldn't be until much later that I would learn of transitioning, and hormones and gender and sex. Because that was forbidden knowledge.

Then, there were dad's meetings.

Now I know them as alt-right neo-Nazis. The people he hung around with. We would go every Tuesday to the meeting. Men and women were not allowed to sit together. The room would be literally divided in half. Then they would start talking. What was said in those rooms was beyond causal racism and bigotry. It was hatred. They hated anyone different, anyone who didn't conform. Even back then, I knew I was a part of what they hated. While they spouted how much they hated minorities, I drew robots and circuits and plants on their printouts. Printouts that said they were going to go stand in front of monuments to long-dead racist fascists - and shoot anyone who got too close with assault rifles. On top of those words, I drew flowers.

I understand now why I felt the way I did about public school, about the system, when I was younger. The truth is, I was never born into the Matrix in the first place. So I stood outside and could criticize its shortcomings. I saw people my own age being treated as prisoners, trapped in big cement block buildings, where they weren't allowed to use the bathroom. Huh. "Weren't allowed to use the bathroom." Almost poetic isn't it. I remember first interacting with other kids, and learning that they hated reading and they hated learning. This was so strange to me! I didn't understand how anyone could hate ALL of learning! What an awful thing to say. Now there were parts of mine I did hate. The parts that weren't unschooling, and were just schooling. My mom hovering over me while I sobbed trying to finish math problems. I would have to do a big sheet of them, but instead stared out the window at birds and dreamed. I think I would have found a better love of mathematics if I was allowed to come across it organically. Same for spelling, another area in which the system said I struggled. However, I do also understand that my parents hands were tied on this. If I didn't perform well enough on a standardized exam each year, they would be forced to enroll me into public school. I hated those exams. Long slogs of math problems and questions. Then, later on, came standardized testing. For someone who grew up outside the system, the SAT and ACT were hell. It was being forced into the Matrix. I was being assimilated into a world I knew wanted to destroy people like me. I didn't really understand this then, so it left me with more questions, questions that would eventually lead me to start questioning the system, to turn against the "it is what it is" mentality.

I used to be critical of my parents for homeschooling, but now I realize it's the system that deserves that criticism. They just didn't quite escape, and live one foot in, one foot out, pulled back in by religion and tradition.

#ember writes #thoughts #serious #education

[nobodysdaydreams]

Thoughts on the upcoming final episodes of the Mysterious Benedict Society:

So I have seen several posts and reblogs talking about TMBS episodes 2x07/2x08, and I have no idea where you all are getting this information but thank you. I read the episode summaries below and have several thoughts on both.

We can start with 2x07: “A Joyful Lens”. Here is the description:

Mr. Benedict and Number Two's plan to subdue Dr. Curtain backfires. After arriving at the compound, The Society regroups to rescue their captured comrades. Meanwhile, Dr. Curtain hosts a celebration to announce his plans for global expansion. After Sticky cracks the method behind Dr. Curtain's happiness technique, the kids struggle to devise a plan to reverse the effects before all is lost. The Society then attempts a daring escape and find themselves fleeing with a surprising companion in tow.

My questions on 2x07 are as follows:

Who is the companion? SQ (please)? Auguste? Garrison? Kidnapped Curtain? Noland? Jeffers? Jackson or Jillson? It better not be Marlon, just leave him no one cares.

Also, what would a party thrown by Curtain even look like? I bet the food is nice but other than that it’s probably so weird. I hope the society ruins his stupid little party. Pops every balloon, turns over every table, and spills food all over Curtain, who is clearly throwing himself a stupid party to overcompensate for everything he didn’t have as a kid, when he should be stepping up as a dad and focusing on giving his son everything he didn’t have during childhood.

“Escape” implies everyone, or almost everyone is about to get captured. That’s gonna be an insane confrontation scene. Will Milligan get some memories back? Does someone know something- anything about Constance’s family? Will Sticky get to tell Jackson and Jillson about what Curtain’s doing once he figures it out?

Where is Garrison? You dropped all that backstory for her and she leaves? If you’re trying to stop Curtain, maybe you should have used her. She better come back.

2x08: "A Two-Way Street"

After escaping Dr. Curtain’s compound, the Society retreats to Number Two’s family home in Luxembourg, where she reconnects with her mother and siblings. The kids scramble to rebuild the Worldview Wash but are interrupted by news of a group of Greys in the village nearby – they are out of time! The Society quickly comes up with defensive measures while Mr. Benedict and Dr. Curtain hash things out once and for all. After a final confrontation, the Society comes together to help one of their own.

My questions on 2x08 are as follows:

What on earth is a “Worldview Wash”? If it is what it sounds like, he’s literally altering the brain to change how they perceive reality or projecting his worldview into everyone. (That concept could actually be a great therapy tool to teach empathy, but obviously Curtain wouldn’t use it for that).

What is number 2’s family like and why are they estranged I need that backstory I need everyone’s tragic backstory. And is this where they are doing her name reveal? Also, when Number 2 commented that she thought Nicholas was jealous of his brother, was she projecting? I guess we will find out.

How are they rebuilding any machine without Garrison? Unless they stole her notes. Or unless Garrison is number 2’s family in some crazy plot twist (unlikely but since Garrison wasn’t in the books, at least not that I remember, she could be anyone).

“Hash things out once and for all” - as much as I love the twins confronting each other, I hope this isn’t the last season. It’s way too rushed and there’s so much more they could do. Honestly, this is what scares me the most. The show is well done I hope they don’t try to do a rushed ending here.

“After the confrontation, the society comes together to help one of their own” - it says after the confrontation. This might not be about the happiness control thing. It might be about finding Constance’s parents or getting Milligan’s memories back. I hope it leads into season 3.

#the mysterious benedict society #mysterious benedict society #tmbs #mbs disney #mbs season 2 #mbs s2 #mbs #mbs spoilers #tmbs disney #tmbs season 3 #tmbs 2

[sweet-little-dude]

once he was mine :: a slight explanation one shot of the feelings of sanzu haruchiyo and mutou yasuhiro @virtue-and-beneviolence

sanzu use to be mine.

we met when toman started. even though he’d been there longer than me, mikey still gave him to me, only to teach him how to play guitar properly. his technique was sloppy but he was an utter natural, so i took him in. 

through the next couple of months, i got to know him. he loved cheesecake and has always wanted to dye his hair pink. he doesn’t really like showing affection to anyone, but that’s only cuz he doesn’t like to, so i didn’t mind. he has a huge admiration for mikey and had a real punk style, which is something i admire of him. but another thing i admired abt him is how he’d stand up for the things he cherished, like how he threw hands with someone just cuz they said toman’s music sucks. 

after a few months of being by each other’s side, we soon ended up dating. it wasn’t anything big, we went out for cheesecake after rehearsal like any other day and i just went for it. i swear that day was the first time i’d seen haru smile that much. that day is still my favorite of my whole life. i still remember how he literally yelled when i first posed the question, and when he said yes, he physically jumped over our little table to give me a hug. god, i think i really loved him. 

about a year later tenjiku was formed. a guy that was the frontman of a band i use to be in began tenjiku and he wanted me to join him, i said yes without another thought. and surprisingly, haru followed me into tenjiku, though the band didn’t last long. we had this battle of the bands against toman and we ended up having to forfeit due to our leader getting caught up in a drug scandal. we never saw him again after that, yet somehow a bunch of the guys in tenjiku got involved with it , myself included. all except for hanma, kisaki, kokonoi and of course, haruchiyo. 

he visited quite frequently while i was in jail. but towards the end of my sentence, he stopped showing up. i was there for about 10 months and when i got out, haru was there waiting for me, but he looked different. he seemed to have grown taller and he actually dyed his hair. plus he carries his guitar on his back all the time now. but i knew it was still my haruchiyo from the way he smiled at me. i could never forget that face.

strange thing was that as soon as i got out, he was asking me to help out in this new band he belonged to. kantou manji. it was lead by his childhood best friend, mikey, and kokonoi and hanma were in it too. so i decided to join, only because the other guys had already made a new band with this no body they met in the jail. 

but if i could turn back time, i would have never ended up helping kantou manji. believe me they were great, probably better than anything else i’d seen, but everyone had changed. mikey had seemed more miserable than ever and hanma had seemed to have lost his mojo. plus kokonoi was never around blondie locks; but for haruchiyo, he just seemed so rebellious now. at first i thought wow, he finally came out of his shell, i’m so happy for him. but with that, he knew way more people, and soon he barely spoke to me at all when we were around other people. of course, when it was just us we’d talk about band, but it was like that was the only thing holding us together, the only way we were associated. 

as well as sanzu not talking to me, it also seemed as though he was going out with a new person all together. haitani rindou was his name, and the two were addicted to each other. at first they were a very public couple, but they didn’t last long due to our his manager, kisaki, not liking the idea of a member of kantou manji dating someone from a rival band. so they kept their relationship a secret with only a few people knowing, but really, they were horrible at hiding their affection for one another. 

plus i barely knew him anymore. he probably still loved cheesecake and he probably loved his new pink hair, even though his roots had been growing out really quick. he use to hate smothering people with affection, but now he and rindou are all over each other, plus there’s also him and hanma making out on stage (which i have no idea if its an act of fan service or pure feeling) which i slightly mind. he probably still respects mikey as much as he did and maybe even more. but he’s got a new style now, rlly a bit too formal for the haru i knew. and i’m sure he stands up for his loved ones still, but i haven’t seen that with my own eyes in a while, since i don’t feel even his love.

in the end, sanzu and i couldn’t find love within each other anymore, nor did we want to. even tho i wish i could’ve, i just couldn’t find it. it was never like we never officially broke up, but we just fell out of love. and i think one day, it just became a mutual thought. because one day, haruchiyo stopped talking to me all together, there was only a sanzu left for the world. shit, i rlly did fall for him. 

epilogue

now, i’m only still in kantou manji to have something to do with my life. i’m kinda out of place there but i still am seen as useful to them, so i don’t rlly care what they think of me. i interact with all the guys and all. well, ofc except sanzu, since he’s busy with rindou or hanma. but i get to have good talks with kokonoi, and i enjoy making small talk with mikey cuz they’re something he can handle, and kisaki and i talk about concert and gig plans. so my life’s pretty compact and real, and i don’t let nonsense distract me anymore. not something that can’t be dealt with quickly, not something that’s fake, not something or someone that’s a facade, and definitely not someone that can’t devote themself to me as much i do to them. no. because through getting rid of lies and things hurting me, its helped me decide to move on. 

but feelings are never really controlled by ourselves, huh? sometimes we just latch onto a random stranger we see around frequently. like at gigs or parties, he’s also standing there, coincidentally. his beautiful tan skin shining under the lights and his captivating violet eyes shining with luring features. and his charismatic smile, so charming it could creep it’s way into someone’s heart and steal it without a trace. it’s all too familiar. 

but i could never fall for someone like that, not again, i just won’t allow it.

yet sometimes, being a hypocrite isn’t too bad. 

#hhahahhhhhhHHHHhhHh #sleep deprived bcuz of this but anyways #mucho yasuhiro #yasuhiro muto #sanzu haruchiyo #haruchiyo sanzu #om nom eating this band au and spilling some crumbs #takuwrites #offtaskotaku

[dreams-of-cerulean]

6. What’s your best childhood memory?

10. What was the last thing to make you smile?

6. What’s your best childhood memory?

what's funny is that my best childhood memory is probably my worst. hahaha.

stupid lils. i hope following me to this day was worth it.

i hope i made it worth it.

okay. so back when i got dreamer powers in the orphanage, i thought i was hot shit. couldn't manifest anything in reality, but my eldest sister did train me up a bit - nothing like the extreme bullshit she just put me through - but enough to beat up pathetically weak high schoolers as a primary schooler.

and then came chi, newcomer to the orphanage. runt of the party. hell was she 6? 7? at the time? i'm three years older. can't really remember. all i remember was that i gave her part of my sandwich once when i saw her rummaging through the trash can because she missed a meal again. and she's been stuck to my hip ever since.

i didn't like that. thought i was special. more special than anyone. destined for big things. the sort of idiot that would've died real quickly in the real world. most importantly, i thought i couldn't afford any baggage or weaklings. but she kept following me. and i hated it. because i thought she would die if she continued following me cause she wasn't strong enough.

i knew chi hated heights. it's how i lost her in those early days - just parkour up a building and voila a couple chi-free hours to myself. but it still wasn't enough. i didn't want her around me, but i couldn't kick her away - it wasn't how mom taught me to deal with the weak.

and honestly, i didn't deserve chi. she'd do better with any of the other social groups rather than standing by my side - she reminded me of a small puppy back then, eager to please - and as much roughhousing that goes on in the orphanage, kids often respond to sincerity with sincerity: she would've been better off without me.

to the me of the time, kicking her away was for her own good.

i gave chi an ultimatum to climb with me to the top of this ten-story abandoned building. if she couldn't, she had to stop following me around. and instead of staying on the ground like she always did, she climbed up with me. matched me step for step.

i looked mad the entire time - kept taunting her about how slow she was - about how she wasn't gonna make it.

but i was secretly happy. because no one ever wanted my company that much - not even my eldest sister - to the point of literally facing their fears just to stay by my side. honestly even if she couldn't follow me to the top, i think i already accepted her.

and then the ground, only supported by the wall it was attached to, cracked. and everything fell beneath me. chi was the one who dived at me, pushed me so i can hang onto a piece of rebar on a lower floor.

i watched her fall eight stories. like watching a car crash. just looking up at me.

and thud.

she still wasn't moving when i made it back down trying to check up on her. i was panicking and i think was just spiraling downward. honestly, sometimes i wonder if the reason why i could deal with people dungeons so well isn't just because of my soul's nature; it's because i very well nearly turned into one then and there.

and then i felt someone pat me on the head.

and i see lils with an outstretched arm and a confused expression, unharmed with only the shattered floor around her to mark what had happened. i think i was just babbling and hugging her and saying i was sorry at that point.

and well, the rest is history. i know i don't deserve her as a friend or as family.

but she's decided to stick with me ever since.

10. What was the last thing to make you smile?

sato - and everyone else of course - were there when i woke up from the fight. the hug from her was nice also.

also lils drew me as that dbz guy in a crater meme. ha. thanks as always, lils.

#(( Lev quite isn't aware yet that she's speaking out loud. Very loud )) #(( And the gang is outside her room eavesdropping. )) #(( ahaha )) #online::Levant

[professor-tammi]

Scarlet Blaze babbles

finished SB (Musou games are addicting!), so here’s a write-up of my thoughts:

- On the whole, I feel AG is the stronger route because it’s more character-centric. Obviously there’s a lot of bias to me feeling this way as AG focuses primarily on, well, Dimitri and Felix’s relationship with each other, but I do think this character focus makes the route more memorable. The Eagles have a ton of story scenes where each character gets a one-liner about their gimmick (Caspar likes to fight! Linhardt wants to sleep! Bernadetta is anxious and panicked!), which makes them feel like less of a proper group of people than the Lions.

And AG, unlike SB, has moments that are actually... emotional? There’s Dedue rescuing Dimitri, there’s Rodrigue’s death, there’s the way Shez’s relationship with Dimitri feels more personal, and also there is literally everything Dimilix have going on. I just feel SB lacked these sorts of... character moments. There were a few; I liked Ferdinand’s little kill-my-dad subplot and Hubert’s involvement in it, and there’s this short little cutscene around the Part I-II split where you get a cute Monigard moment and. I just like monigard, okay. But outside of this, SB is a lot of politicksing, Edelgard and Hubert scheming together, and Edelgard and Hubert being suspicious of Shez

(don’t get me wrong I enjoy the politics stuff but... I wish there was more character stuff in the story itself, and not just in supports, is all)

- I was curious why Edelgard makes no mention of her, er, views on the Nabateans in Hopes, and the reason actually seems quite simple: Hopes!Edelgard doesn’t know Rhea is a dragon. She’s surprised when Rhea reveals herself to be the Immaculate One in the final chapter! (Though her dialogue suggests she suspected it, but still...)

- Edelgard’s Zahras conversation with Claude is very interesting and has a lot to unpack, but I think I’ll save that for whenever I talk about GW. I’ve already discussed her scene with Dimitri, but... given AG suggests Zahras returns all of Edelgard’s memories, and given Edelgard lost her memories of Dimitri after coming into contact with the Slithers, I think it’s fairly likely we’re supposed to read their scene as Edelgard having remembered that Dimitri is her childhood friend / step-sibling but refusing to accept it (it wouldn’t do to get attached to a man you want to kill, after all)

- I already wrote a longer post on Edelgard’s motivations in Hopes, so I won’t delve into that again here, but I am curious about the ways in which Hopes subtly hints the house leaders aren’t really entirely well off without Byleth (and I say this as someone who very much wishes they didn’t exist). In Edelgard’s case, I think this is shown in the way she just... doesn’t ever truly trust anyone the way she does Byleth. That’s why you keep getting these “Edelgard doesn’t trust Shez!” scenes, and that’s why she tells her own phantom she wouldn’t be able to trust even herself.

- I rather like that Hopes repeatedly tells you how out of touch Edelgard is with commoners, despite her goal of dismantling the nobility being good for them, ahaha. Her Shez C support really drives this home (and the fact that she doesn’t really have a response is? especially funny??), as does her A support with Ferdinand (it’s a little bit of a mirror of Dimitri’s B support with Yuri, now that I think about it)

- I was surprised at how Hubert comes across as kind of... xenophobic? He genuinely hates the Kingdom, and its people, it seems. Yes, this is because he thinks Faerghus’ customs are outdated... and they are! But he seems to condemn the whole country for it. Not that this is at all out of character for him, but I found it interesting, and also, I would love to punch him in the face,

(Hubert also gets a bunch of “heh let’s show those adherents to the STATUS QUO what’s what” lines re: Faerghus and it just brings to mind the worst Edelstans...... my god. Hubert was the redditor all along.)

(disclaimer yes I like hubert. but he’s an ass)

- I liked Ferdinand’s (admittedly minor) role in the main story! It’s also nice to see his primary relationship in it be with Hubert. His one-sided “rivalry” with Edelgard isn’t really present, and he’s honestly much better for it. His Edelgard supports are much improved this time around, too.

- Since Ferdinand isn’t really much of a mirror of Lorenz or Felix here (in the sense that he’s not really Edelgard’s... third-in-command?), Edelgard’s secondary key relationship seems to be with Monica in Hopes. And... I have to admit their relationship is underdeveloped, as much as I adore the general dynamic of dark, complicated anti-villain + their adorable yet murderous devoted-to-the-end retainer. They clearly knew each other from before -- how did they meet? What was their relationship before the Slithers kidnapped Monica?? Why are we told Edelgard has constant tea parties with Monica yet we get to see none of them on screen??? Koei please throw me a bone I am begging you

(I did enjoy their supports overall, though, and am happy I correctly predicted their contents... though I wish there was a bit more conflict to latch onto here!)

I have more things to say on Monica, but they require a little more research (ie looking through JP dialogue), so that’ll have to wait until I have more time :D!

- Dorothea is as enjoyable as always. I rather appreciate that Hopes highlights her status as a commoner and hatred of war (though the latter is especially apparent in AG). My favorite relationship for her remains with Petra, and their A rank is as adorable as ever... I also couldn’t help but to notice that Petra and Dorothea have some unique dialogue for each other in battle, which is very interesting as they lacked importance markers for each other in Houses! Did the writers pick up on them being a (reasonably) popular ship, or... do they just like DoroPetra? :’)

(I really want to do a big effort post on importance markers at some point because they say so much about the authors’ intents and there’s nothing I love more than over-analyzing intent)

- Petra is perhaps the most-improved Eagle in Hopes, and I have a newfound appreciation for her! Her supports with Hubert and Caspar are especially good; Houses shied away from discussing the fact that she’s a hostage and never really did much with her quest for revenge, but Hopes takes these under-explored themes and runs with them and she is honestly so much better for it

- On the rest of the Eagles: Linhardt is quite amusing, and his A Support with Shez is particularly hilarious (I love that him being a shameless flirt is canon); Caspar has some unexpectedly decent supports, I’ll admit, but honestly I’ve never been able to get used to his English VA and that is probably what nixes any chance of me enjoying his character (don’t get me wrong, he emotes well, but the voice itself doesn’t fit); Bernadetta... is mostly just comic relief. She was that in Houses, too, but some of her Hopes supports are awful to sit through. At least her Marianne supports were cute!

(I should do an EN vs JP voice comparison post sometime... :D)

#text post #text: fe #text: fodlan #this is shorter than my many AG essays mostly because of time reasons but #I wanted to write down some thoughts while the route was still fresh in my mind

[dariamalek]

The Art of Balance: Narcissism vs. Self Esteem

I don’t know everything. 

I’ve dabbled in eight types of psychology in the lifespan of this blog; trying to find the answers to all the questions. How do we effectively teach students with special needs? How does childhood neglect effect long term relationships? What is the correlation between physical and mental wellness? 

If you have been an avid reader of this blog for a while, those titles may be very familiar. There was a peak in 2019, however, where people were extremely interested in my essays about relationship psychology. My theory was that it was during the peak of COVID, and with the rise of dating apps, people were starting to forget what it was like to be in the conscious world. 

I had no problem writing about relationship psychology until June 2021, where my own relationship of almost 3 years, collapsed. I began to doubt myself; how am I going to sit here and give advice to everyone else when I didn’t know how to save my own relationship? 

And that’s when the spiral began. 

I began to doubt myself. I was tired; I had put so much time and effort into my relationship that I forgot who I was. I had lost touch with all my friends; all the people who brought out the best in me and shared my passions. And roughly eight months into being single, I sang a note. Ten months into being single, I had pulled up my old texts and put pen to paper. A year into being single, I took my aggression out on a drum kit. 

I began to fall in love with myself again. Deep and dangerously in love with myself. 

My self confidence was at a peak. I dyed my hair black. I changed up my style. I wore high heels everywhere. I didn’t leave the house without doing my hair. I wore eyeliner. I never looked at my feet when I walked. I disregarded the men who approached me. And when I walked into a room, instead of looking at everyone else in it, my eye caught a mirror instead. 

And that’s when it hit me. I was frozen in place; standing in the middle of a bar on Queen Street. This is wrong. I had forgotten what it was like to give love to someone else because I was too busy focusing on loving myself.

Just like that, I was introduced me to the biggest lesson I could learn in my life: balance. 

I had always thought I had balance in my life. I meditated twice a day, I exercised five days a week. I didn’t drink every weekend, but had my glass of wine once in a while. I didn’t eat fast food. i worked extremely hard during the week and had my fun on the weekends. I spent equal time with my family and friends. 

But that was the problem: it was all about me. 

We all go through healing phases where we focus on ourselves, however it’s important that we don’t lose sight of what it means to be considerate of others. 

I found, date after date, that I just wasn’t able to focus on anyone other than myself because I had been so focused on myself it had turned into a habit. I didn’t know how to do anything else. It was almost as if I was jealous of others getting attention from myself. Sounds crazy, doesn’t it? 

You’d be surprised. 

Have you ever heard that myth about the man who fell so in love with his reflection, that he literally couldn’t take his eyes of it, and eventually died in the same spot all while staring at his reflection? This is a lovely phenomenon called Narcissism. And yes, his name was “Narcissus.” 

According to Scott Kaufman of the Scientific American, most recent research suggests that “narcissism differs significantly from self-esteem in its development, origins, consequences, and outcomes (Kaufman, 2017).” 

“The prototypical grandiose narcissist is characterized by arrogance, superiority, vanity, entitlement, exploitativeness, exhibitionism, and the incessant need for acclaim from others,” Kaufman explains. “Those scoring high on measures of self-esteem, however, tend to feel satisfied with themselves but do not necessarily see themselves as superior to others.“ 

I remember doing all those things, claiming they were for me, but not once did I feel satisfied. 

And that’s when I said screw it, and bought a last minute plane ticket, and went to Italy. The story of my trip is highly documented on this blog however, when I got back, it was the first time I had began to type out words that meant something to me. 

I had realized that when I was writing before, I was forcing myself. I didn’t actually want to write, I just wrote because I had missed doing it. I finally felt like the roadblock between me and my art was finally gone. But the truth was, that roadblock was me. And when I sat back and read through each paragraph, I felt butterflies in my stomach. Not pride, but satisfaction. I was back. 

And there are times, like today, where I question my ability to love again. For example, when I get writer’s block, I question my love for writing, even though writing is something that comes natural to me. 

But I always remember: just because something comes natural, doesn’t mean it should be constant. 

You may love someone from the bottom of your heart, but there will be times where they hurt your feelings and you’re not able to look at them. But that doesn’t mean you don’t love them, it just means that you need to find a reason to fall back in love with something.

The same goes for yourself. 

#psychology #motivation #self love #motivational quotes #self esteem #mental health #mental wellness #brain food #writer #canadian writer

[13lone]

Pt 1 So I feel pretty uncomfortable right now. I fucked up soooo much shit this year. Went through a new trauma which also re triggered some of my childhood trauma. Literally the worst timing to date cause I was not even myself I was chasing chaos dangerous situations I didn’t care if I die just wanted to feel something. So I tried everything to make me feel something. One thing was sex, cause I only had one sexual partner at the time that it was over with for a long time. Worst time of my life don’t recommend, I got used, played and treated like an object. The thing about this whole thing is that most of the time I didn’t even wanna make out or get touched definitely didn’t wanna have sex but I felt like they expect that and I was so fucking scared that something happens to me if I say no. So I had to learn it the hard way. I only actually liked one person and didn’t mind cause I was comfortable. But that’s not enough no fear of abandonment kicks in ( I have adhd which adds Emotional Dysregulation, so emotions are already hard for me now pair that with bpd…. a mental illness that severely impacts a person's ability to manage their emotions. This loss of emotional control can increase impulsivity, affect how a person feels about themselves, and negatively impact their relationships with others. So I feel 9-25 times MORE intensely than a normal person. Bpd as it is is already as painful as a person who has a 3 degree whole body burn. Nice combination. So I was scared to say no and let things happen to me because I was so fucking afraid of being abandoned, played, being used, but you don’t wanna disappoint the person and you feel like if you don’t do what they want something worse is gonna happen and I will get punished - link - childhood trauma - so I didn’t know better I wanted no one to hate me even if that meant I let people do things to me that I don’t enjoy. Even when I was dating someone and didn’t wanna see anyone else I let people get past my boundaries and make me feel bad if I don’t do certain things. End of the story was I actually got raped I was crying screaming saying that I don’t want it (he gave me a lot of alcohol to begin with) I just wanted to fucking watch a show cause that’s what I came over for then he was acting „impressed“ that he can actually watch something like that with a girl (an animie) who’s actually watching it. I didn’t wanna fucking talk he didn’t shut up to make this living hell stop I took another drink. Bad mistake. Don’t remember anything except the tape that happened and how helpless I felt in that moment I couldn’t even move I was so in shock I probably dissociated after a few seconds cause my brain is protecting me because I’m not ready to face that kind of trauma yet (bc I would yeet myself for the ones who don’t understand) and I’m so fucking scared I wanna forget I wanna just… I fucking hate myself for being so fucking naive and people pleasing. I lost the guy who I had actual interest in well he kinda lost me (wait for the explanation) due to previous childhood trauma. Fear of abandonment. Selbst sabotage starts it’s like you can’t even control what is happening right now those two months that it all happened in we’re fucking intense. It makes you do too much and also do extreme shit because you’re scared that that person is gonna leave so you wanna pour more into it but that pushes people away shit happened to me to blocked bunch of people like that. Too fast feels like you lost control which also caused actions. Guess the deal breaker: I tried to kill myself 4 days after the rape and slit my entire arm up because it was that traumatic.

[squidthechaotickid]

😨🍧 and 🎀 for the ask game?

since no character was specified in doing multiple (Saturn, Void, Emerald)

😨 FEARFUL - when scared, do they go into "flight" or "fight"?

Saturn: Fight, they've decked so many people in the face only to go into immediate apologies

Void: More flight than fight, but sometimes they'll go for fight. Mostly tho they end out with a shadow portal halfway open before realizing what happened

Emerald: he doesn't get spooked much, but when he does he goes into fight mode. He almost always has a weapon on hand, so not good for whoever scared him

🍧 SHAVED ICE - do they still have any objects from their childhood? what significance does it have to them? what would their reaction be if they lost it?

Saturn: They've had their black bandana for as long as they can remember. It's been used as a makeshift bandage, a rag to wipe away sweat and dirt, and almost anything else you can think of. Its something they find comfort in, since it was one of the few personal items they were ever allowed to keep. They would be highly upset if it was ever lost, probably destroying the whole house to find it (it would be long gone by now, from constant use, but they've been patching it up with whatever thread they had for years.

Void: Well. Technically they don't have a childhood since they are literally 6 months old and are currently in their childhood. Currently they aren't overly attached to much of anything

Emerald: He avoids any sort of connection to material goods, as everything will eventually be lost and thus none of it matters (at least, not to him.) However, he does have a stuffed bear, buried deep in his closet. If anyone ever asked, he would say it belongs to his son. It was a gift from his father, forChristmas, long before Emerald went down the dark road he's on now.

🎀 RIBBON - how would they fit into other worlds / aus? what aus would you like to try out? what fictional world would they fit / not fit into?

Saturn: Okay so. I have a sort of au where they get yeeted into the lmk world, except it's self indulgent and lives only in my head. Basically, after the Phantom Ruby thing, Emerald comes back and uses the Ruby, with a combination of chaos energy, to control them. Tails creates inhibitors for them and later, when they become more desperate, decide to send her to a world with no chaos energy, until they can figure out how to stop Emerald. Thus: the lego monkie kid world! The rest of the story is really long and I don't feel like typing it bc. Ya know. Self indulgent.

Void: I think they could do well in the Sonic World. They would be a lot like sonic, in the sense that they spend a lot of time alone, traveling, but sometimes show up to hang with friends. I could also see them doing well in the undertale multiverse, they would love traveling aus :]

Emerald: anywhere he ended out, he would try to start another criminal organization. He wants control, and he's going to get it, no matter where he is or what it takes

#Lmk oc #Sonic oc #Void oc #Lmk void #Saturn the wolf #Emerald the cat #squid answers stuff #Ty for the ask!! #I got one more but I'm probably gonna answer it a little later :]

[letmetellyouaboutmyfeels]

21, 27, 28, 37.

<3

21. Could you ever quit writing? Do you ever wish you could? Why or why not?

I don't think I really could quit, and I don't wish I could. I do wish I could do it full-time so that I have time to get through all the stories I want to write and feel more like I've just got one or two I'm working on instead of a dozen. And, well, I don't think I could because writing is what gives me joy, and it drives you insane to have stories just living in your head bugging you. Gotta get it out somewhere.

27. Who is the most stressful character you’ve ever written? Why?

In original fiction, Raleigh. She's got my rage at an unjust world, and unlike me, she's got the ruthlessness and power to do something about it. It's stressful to write her because I love her so very, very much and that includes her darker thoughts and jagged edges, but I constantly worry that readers won't like her and she'll be ill-received. I thought Detroit would be a lot more stressful to write given her overall arc and what it's meant to me, but I found that it was actually quite freeing to write her and share that part of myself, whereas Raleigh's proven more anxiety-inducing as I hope that everyone loves her as much as I do.

In fan fiction... *rubs temples*

Flynn, for the love of God, would you cooperate with me for FIVE GODDAMN SECONDS.

28. Who is the most delightful character you’ve ever written? Why?

In original fiction, that would be Shany. She's a fucking ray of sunshine who is literally there to be a soft place for her friend to land and I love her muchly.

In fanfiction: Chimney. That man is just. Wonderful. Hilarious and big-hearted. I don't write him much because it's tricky to nail his voice and I really want to do him justice, but he's an absolute delight.

37. If you were to be remembered only by the words you’ve put on the page, what would future historians think of you?

They'd think I had so much more sex than I actually did. I'm actually curious what people think they know about me from my fanfiction, since I don't feel it's overall that confessional, and the confessional moments that are there, I don't think anyone would realize that's what they are.

If we include my original works, historians would probably have quite a lot to say about my childhood trauma as well. They'd probably suspect me of committing some murders. I think they would conclude I lost a close family member at a young age. They'd probably nail the depression and passive suicide ideation, and might also figure out the gender thing. But I think they'd also draw some erroneous conclusions as well, for example my religious background I think they'd get quite wrong.

#mads answers things #these ones really made me think thank you dear #peridotglimmer #weird writing questions