#thankfully i have a call with my therapist tomorrow so that’ll help too

[meganshinsou-tm]

i’m still here. (a)

☙ pairing: bakugou x reader / bakugou x kirishima

☙ theme:  angst

☙  cw/tw: profanity, grief/mourning, emotional distress, slight talk of wanting to die, could be seen as unhealthy grieving but there are no right or wrong ways to grieve, talk of death.

☙  a/n-request: so here it is, the spontaneous continuation of ‘i’m here’ - i just couldn’t help myself, I needed to get this out of my system. It hurts for a bit but I promise it gets better - also hope you don’t mind the end pairing, baku needs love and he deserves to be happy with that person. 

It’s been four months and Bakugou is - well he’s as good as he can be.

Sometimes he likes to think that the days are getting progressively better but then he finds himself awake way past the hour of midnight, walking around the house aimlessly and searching. Searching for something that he doesn’t even know. After a few more hours of talking to himself and cleaning random things, eating a small snack, Bakugou finally finds himself in bed tossing and turning until sleep finally takes him. 

Izuku and Kirishima have become his rocks and practical caretakers. 

They check in on him constantly but in a way that isn’t overbearing. Both of them make sure that their friend doesn’t stay holed up inside the house for longer than needed by becoming gym buddies, dragging him out to guys’ nights with them and the squad. Bakugou goes without too much resistance. Of course he rather stay in and wait for something that’ll never come but he knows he has to keep his sanity and he knows that you would kick his ass for sulking and wallowing in grief for too long. So he goes and by the end of the night, he’s always happy that he did but he’ll never admit that to the two idiots he calls his best friends. 

And more than anything, Bakugou is grateful how they have never brought up the topic of … moving on. Because they know better - everyone does. 

Of course everyone agrees it’s way too soon to even consider Bakugou trying dating again but not only that, anyone who knows the guy knows that he probably never will even think about trying to find anyone else. You were it for him.

You weren’t like everyone else. 

It’s cliche to say but you were indeed special - you completed Bakugou in the ways he was imperfect and flawed yet you still loved those parts of him. His edges were still rough and brash but you somehow softened them without changing truly who he was because well - you loved him for who he was and the way he was. Such a fucking sap you always were. 

Bakugou doesn’t move to a new home, he doesn’t want to or need to. Your home wasn’t massive; it was the perfect size for just the two of you. 

And it was only a few weeks ago that he finally found the strength to part with your belongings. It was a rough day but thankfully the whole squad was there. Kirishima may or may not have tried to bribe them with beer and food but obviously it wasn’t needed, they were gonna be there for their friend no matter what. 

Starting out, Bakugou was okay while packing everything. Everyone reminisced on fond and happy memories of you. Izuku and Kirishima felt a sense of relief from seeing the blonde genuinely smiling a few times and hearing his laughter. For a moment they thought everything would go smoothly for the rest of the day but nothing ever really goes smoothly when you’re saying goodbye to what’s left of your deceased spouse.

It was when Mina and Sero started to pull out of the driveway in the U-Haul that Bakugou bolted out the door after them. Kirishima and Izuku were right behind him and barely managed to catch him before being hit by a truck. 

The three of them rolled around on the black-top road, all shouting and crying. 

“Let me fucking go you pieces of shit! Fuck!”

Kirishima bared his teeth, trying to fight back his own sobs from the heart wrenching sight of seeing his best friend like this.

“Kats, please calm down, don’t do this!”

Bakugou only growled and tried to blast off an explosion in his face but Kirishima knew better and hardened his skin to block it. Izuku choked on his own tears and ended up using black whip to help pin down the uncontrollable blonde, despite him and Kirishima being over 200lbs and holding him down the best they could.

“Kacchan, you could’ve just fucking died, you’re gonna hurt yourself!”

“I don’t fucking care … let me … I - I can be with her.”

Izuku and Kirishima both went rigid at those words and looked at each other with tear filled eyes before resting their weight on top of their broken friend in a pile there in the middle of the road. For the next half hour they all stayed there, crying and holding Bakugou together until he finally exhausted himself and didn’t fight about Kirishima picking him up and carrying him back inside.

“Kats I don’t care if you hate me for doing it but I’m calling a professional tomorrow. We love you … I love you man but we can only do so much for you. Please … just let us help you. We can’t lose someone else we love.”

Izuku nods in agreement and they bring Bakugou to the bedroom and tuck him into the bed like a child. He doesn’t complain or try to bite their heads off for it. 

“We’re proud of you for today Kacchan, please know that. Y-You still have the important things,” Izuku sniffles as he places a worn-looking rag doll cat in Bakugou’s arms. “You’ll always have the important things.”

Kirishima tries to smile as Bakugou turns his back to them and cuddles the item close to his face. It's instinctive and totally against his control but Kirishima reaches out and combs his fingers through Bakugou’s hair and it gives him hope when he feels the blonde relax under his touch.

“Try to get some rest Blasty. We aren’t gonna leave you alone so if you need anything, we’ll be here.”

A few weeks and plenty of therapy sessions later, Bakugou is back to doing okay. He’s back to being able to stay home alone without needing Izuku or Kirishima crashing on his couch. He returns to work and some days it helps while on others it hurts. 

It’ll take more time to get used to Kirishima being his new side-kick but as long as it's him, he’ll be okay. 

Life slowly but surely starts to get easier … until those nights like tonight where Bakugou is wide awake at four in the morning. It’s been a while since its happened and truly Bakugou is exhausted but he just can’t sleep - he doesn’t mind though. It’s nights like these where he’s glad to still be awake with tired eyes and body because it’s nights like these where you come to him.

It may be crazy but Bakugou is adamant that you’re still there sometimes, your spirit at least. And when he's exhausted and delirious enough like he is now, you’ll become more than just memories and a presence. Soon enough you start to become real again and he can feel you holding him close and petting his hair. Feel those soft kisses on his lips and all over his face and neck. Bakugou can see those bright eyes again and feel your own warm skin against his in bed. 

And even though he really is getting better at all of this, he still has his moments. He’s only human after all. A human who lost the most precious and important thing in his life so tragically. So no one can blame him for feeling the things he does and for having a down moment - hell even his therapist reassured him of that. 

‘Everyone grieves in their own way and these occurrences don’t mean you’re crazy. Just as long as you see them for what they truly are and know that eventually they will end.’

It hurts to think that these will end so Bakugou cherishes them and prolongs them for as long as he fucking can. He gives into the phantom feelings, finds comfort in them. Then he starts to hear you and you talk to each other. He tells you how some days he’s okay and others he just misses you so fucking much and he doesn’t want to go on, he wants to be with you. 

In those times you quiet him with kisses and hums, telling him it’s not time yet. 

“The world needs you,” is whispered upon his skin and it makes him groan in disagreement.

“Fuck the what the world needs - I need you!”

You chuckle and lightly flick the tip of Bakugou’s nose and he wishes it hurt like it used to.

“You don’t need me Katsuki, if anything, I’m not what you need at all right now … at least not like this,” you speak quietly but still smile. “But you will always have me. I’m all around you.”

Bakugou pouts and you brush your thumb over his bottom lip before looking down and taking his hand in yours. Your finger traces the hard edges of the wedding band that’s now a matte black color after he found a jeweler who was able to add a small amount of your cremains into the material of it.

“You literally take me everywhere you go and even before then, I’ve never left you. Someone’s gotta watch over your crazy ass. I’m just glad Red is there to help me out.”

Bakugou smirks and moves to nuzzle the crook of your neck, his hair tickling the underside of your jaw and causing you to giggle and hold him tighter. The sound pains him and Bakugou starts to softly cry. You hold him even tighter and he holds you with a death grip.

That feeling is returning in him and he hates it. It’s overwhelming and it's cold. It’s hopelessness.

“How am I supposed to keep doing this? I don’t want to spend four more months like this … I don’t want to spend years like this … fucking - tell me how I can get you back, I need you … I fucking need you so much, I can’t - “

“Shh, baby breathe, I'm here - you know I’m always here.”

Bakugou frowns hard and buries his face into your chest to muffle the heartbreaking sob he lets out, his fists start to smoke and he shakes his head.

“But you’re not! You’re not fucking here!”

He pulls away from the pillow he’s burning now in order to breathe and scream out in agony. Bakugou continues until his vocal chords feel raw and there’s a giant hole in the wall above the headboard from him repeatedly punching it. Looking down through teary eyes, Bakugou notices his knuckles are bloody and throbbing in pain. A few minutes pass and he’s on his knees hunched over in the middle of the bed, sheet-rock is crumbled all around him on the covers and he sighs, wiping angrily at his tears. 

Soon the feeling of fingers in his hair, scratching against his scalp soothingly causes Bakugou to deflate and he sinks back as you hold him close, back to your chest and your cheek pressed against the top of his hair. He clings to your arms around him. Tears roll from his irritated and red eyes, snot down his nose as he sniffles. 

“I’m sorry,” you both whisper out in unison.

You press kiss after kiss against soft ash blonde hair, against ruddy warm cheeks and tear filled eyes. Bakugou suppresses his whimper, he can feel what's coming and he doesn’t like it.

“Call him … you need him right now, do this for me please,” you speak upon the side of Bakugou’s neck. 

Bakugou grunts and leans over to grab his phone from the nightstand, laying down on his side in the process. You move with him and place yourself before him to hold close, letting his arms wrap tight around you. The ghosting of fingers against his cheekbone makes Bakugou look down at you with red tired eyes. He can see the choice in your own and can feel it in the way you lean in and kiss his lips so softly that it feels like air before pressing your forehead against his.

“You’ll be okay Katsuki, I know you will. Just - breathe for me; and always know that I’m right here baby,” you whisper while placing your palm to the space over his heart.

Bakugou’s bottom lip trembles and he nods. He shifts to press his face into your hair, inhaling the scent of strawberries and cream that's ingrained in his senses as his eyes squeeze shut before kissing the top of your head and letting out a long breath.

“I’ll be okay.”

When his eyes open, Bakugou swallows the lump in his throat and eases the death grip he has on the charred pillow. He sighs and swipes a finger across the screen of his phone and moves to lay on his back, pressing the device to his ear.

It rings only a few times before a raspy voice is answering with concern.

“Kats, what’s wrong?”

Bakugou looks up from his newspaper and cup of coffee when the door to the backyard opens. He smirks and pushes his glasses up the bridge of his nose and watches as Kirishima and Ghost both come barreling in. The giant mastiff is slobbering and panting, so is Kirishima, except the slobbering part - well sort of. 

“Whew - oh hey sleeping beauty,” Kirishima gleams and takes a step towards where Bakugou is seated at the kitchen counter, lips puckered and arms open wide.

He’s stopped by a finger to the mouth, halting him from going any further.

“Don’t even think about it, you’re disgusting!

Kirishima gives those stupid puppy eyes that everyone, even himself, were always weak to and a whimper coming from below makes Bakugou look down to see Ghost also giving her own literal puppy eyes. 

“You’re both pathetic, there’s no way I’m - oof!”

Bakugou is tackled off his seat and onto the ground by Kirishima, knocking his glasses off in the process. Ghost joins in and smothers him in an abnormal amount of slobber as she licks his face excitedly and Kirishima kisses his cheeks - which, gross, he doesn’t even care that he’s kissing where there is drool. But Bakugou can’t help cackling and grinning as he tries to shove them off. 

 “Both of you fucking stink, get offa me! You need baths!”

Kirishima smirks and pulls away enough for Bakugou to wipe his face.

“I’ll make you a deal Blasty, I shower then give this pretty lady a bath - if you make us breakfast!

Kirishima firmly pats and pets the giant dog, looking at his boyfriend with a playful light in his red eyes.

Bakugou sighs, “If it’ll get you gross animals off then fine!”

Smiling victoriously, Kirishima sits back on his knees and helps with pulling the dog away. She quickly forgets about them and trots off to her toys in the living room. Kirishima offers his hand, Bakugou takes it and together they stand from the floor. 

Bakugou rolls his eyes but smirks and playfully pushes at Kirishima’s shoulder. His wrist is caught and Kirishima pulls him in for a hug. It’s sticky and sweaty but a smile forms on his face and Bakugou accepts it without question, along with the gentle kiss to his temple.

“Slept okay?” 

Kirishima asks, running his fingers through Bakugou’s hair when they pull away from their hug. Bakugou leans into the touch and nods.

“As good as I could with two giants hogging the bed and snoring loud enough to shake the fucking walls.”

Kirishima chuckles and takes Bakugou’s hand, letting his thumb brush over the black band that still remains on his finger, he smiles fondly at it.

“I’ll take that as a ‘I slept great babe!’”

Bakugou snorted and patted Kirishima’s chest, leaning in to kiss his sweaty cheek before lightly pushing him away and wiping the salty taste from his mouth. 

“If you want breakfast, you better get your rank ass in the shower and hold up your end of the bargain.”

“Aye, aye captain!” Kirishima salutes with a massive smile and turns to jog out and towards the bedroom.

Shaking his head with a smile, Bakugou picks up the mess of his forgotten newspaper on the counter. He skims over the front page and smiles at the picture taken of him and Kirishima. Their backs face the camera, Kirishima’s arm around Bakugou as they look upon the cherry blossom tree that was planted in your memory at one of your favorite parks. It had bloomed just in time for the one year anniversary of your passing and there were numerous gifts left around the trunk of it from fans and friends.

Bakugou runs a finger over your printed name on the paper and for the first time since that one night, he feels you pressed against him, hugging him close from behind and pressing your cheek to his back. Smiling, Bakugou rubs at your hands over his stomach and he looks up when he hears Kirishima walking back into the kitchen with a question that he doesn’t hear.

The redhead looks him over confused at first and Bakugou just gives him the softest and fondest smile, still rubbing over the space of his stomach and Kirishima’s eyes widen. He crosses his arms and leans against the fridge, smiling at Bakugou while he states softly.

“She’s here.”

#katsuki bakugou #katsuki bakugou x reader #bnha #mha #angst #boku no hero academia #my hero academia #grief #death #mourning #eijirou kirishima #kiribaku #bakushima #izuku midoriya #fluff #bnha fanfiction #mha fanfiction #im sorry #he gets better #take care of yourself

[nitallica]

Cross-posted from my blog: Digging up the past

So a quick health update: My GP put me on Metformin a couple of months ago because despite moderate diet change and losing weight, my blood sugar keeps skyrocketing. Ugh. I am NOT thrilled about that, as it’s given me a whole new batch of stomach issues in addition to the ones I already had. Oh the joy.

My headaches have gone from ‘Tolerable’ to ‘Please God, kill me.’ After several months of hiding in my proverbial shell, I’ve started on round 3 of different specialists for my headaches. I have an appointment with a doctor in a pain center who specializes in migraines, so I’m hoping he can help. I also have an appointment with an ophthalmologist in a week or so. I have not had my eyes checked in a while, and my neurologist (that I fired who then passed away) saw “something” on my eye that he didn’t remember seeing before, so I’m having that checked out. I’m not having any vision problems other than not being able to focus my eyes whenever I have a headache (which is nothing new, I’ve just learned to live with it). My GP referred me to another neurologist, whom I have not seen yet. I’m not sure yet if I will. For now I am holding off to see what the pain dude says.

I took a few days off last week after having yet another massive panic attack at work the week before. This job is quite literally killing me. I was fine the days I spent off. In fact, I felt great! But Sunday evening, I start having chest pains again. And this morning I threw up before leaving the house to go to work. The stress is getting to me, and even though I’ve separated work and home life as much as possible, it still gets to me. Even now, I feel my neck and shoulders tensing up just thinking about it while I write this. Even worse, the Baclofen (mild muscle relaxer) isn’t working for me anymore … for a short time it helped with headaches, now it’s like I’ve not taken anything at all.

I have a follow-up with my GP in a week or so as well. I’m kind of dreading that, because part of me thinks if my blood sugar isn’t low enough, he’ll up my Metformin dosage. I really REALLY don’t want that. I really want to be off this stuff … the side effects I’ve seen have NOT been “mild” like other folks’ might have been. :(

So anyways, in preparation for my visit to the pain center is the new patient packet that I’m having to fill out. I kid you not, this thing is nearly 50 pages long. FIFTY. FUCKING. PAGES! I’m having to detail the last 20 or so years’ worth of treatments for my migraines in addition to all of the other treatments I have going on right now — physical AND mental. I know I can’t blame my migraines on my depression and anxiety, but I know they aren’t helping any. When I come down from a really bad panic attack, I get what I call a “mental hangover” which is usually a slight headache and feeling physically drained.

Also: It’s been an adventure trying to get my medication history from Walgreens. My memory has been going to shit over the last few years, so I have difficulty remembering which meds I’ve already tried in the past. My last neurologist found this annoying and basically gave me a chart of common migraine meds and had me point out all the ones that sounded familiar, assuming that I’d taken them if I recognized the name. (It turns out I was mostly right.) But anyways, getting shit from Walgreens has been difficult as their online search now only pulls a few months’ worth. I’ve had to submit a request in writing for the last 10 years worth of records for me. And that won’t cover everything. Thankfully, I did blog about a few of the meds over the years, so hooray for that. :)

Bleh. I’m … OK. That’s about it.

The anniversary of Reggie’s passing was Saturday. Had a private memorial for that. I’m attending an event with friends tomorrow night also in his honor, so that’ll be nice. It’s been really hard. I miss the fuck out of him. :(

I feel kind of guilty because I’ve been avoiding my therapist. I keep telling myself that I’m going to holler at her and catch her up on everything going on, but just haven’t made the time. She leaves messages for me, letting me know that she’s there whenever I’m ready to talk. She knows that I tend to hole up and shut out everyone/everything when it all gets too much. And lately that’s been exactly it … too much.

There’s a ton more that I had intended to write about, but honestly I don’t see the point, and so in the words of Inigo Montoya, “let me sum up”: Family drama. I’m single. More family drama. Found out another old Scene friend passed away. BFF bought a house. Work sucks a big dead donkey dick. I still hate myself, though slightly less than before.

Clear as mud? Good. :P

Oh, and I get to see my kid this week. Also, my bigoted Judgy McJudgerson neighbor appears to be moving out. Halle-fucking-lujah, THANK YOU GOD! (to both of those)

I hope y’all are having a good Monday. I’ll be over here burying myself in books, video games, and good friends’ company because those are the only things really helping right now. ♥

... from Digging up the past

#Personal #Damned headaches #Diabetes Sucks #Games #Health #Overworked and Underpaid #Work