Hey guys so I know you might be a little confused to see a ‘brain speaks’ again but this one is kinda important. I’m really sorry if this disappointing to anybody but I just need to get this off of my chest. I’ll try to keep it short. I’ll probably fail at that but here we go either way.
TW: Mental Health issues (Depression specifically)
I’m gonna be taking a break so that I can sort some shit out with my noggin. The poor hun has been literally screaming at me for days to actually sit down and take the time for myself that I need. I’ve been stretching myself out too thin in order to please people and I guess it’s come back to bite me in the ass. I’m sorry to those people who need me and are seeing this. I’m too tired. Please try to understand that.
I’m sorry if this breaks any sort of “image” anybody had of me before because I tried really hard to keep it. I really did. Please believe me when I say I tried for as long as I could. This isn’t some shit where I’m gonna be super emo and say something insanely depressing like “This isn’t the real me” because that isn’t true. My online personality is actually who I am but it’s a glorified version of it. It’s been getting kind of exhausting to keep up and I think I’ll be gone for a bit due to the exhaustion of that + recent events in my personal life.
I don’t know how long I’ll be gone if I’m being honest? I’m trying to be better about not forcing myself to do stuff I don’t want to do. And this blog is my absolute pride and joy but at the moment it’s been on that list of ‘golly gee i need a b r e a k’. I really don’t want to do this because I have so many people who have told me themselves that this is where they go to cheer themselves up and I’ve been trying to maintain that tone but I just can’t. I was honestly going to just cover this up with a “UwU gotta go I need a break be back in three days~” thing but I figured I should just cut the shit. I need to actually address these issues that I’m dealing with instead of just offering myself up as some emotional support dog you know? It’s time that I focus on liking myself more than I currently do. I want to come back as the person a lot of friends have told me that they see me as. This happy girl who loves what she does, never fails to have a smile, and never stops trying to rise others up. I want to be deserving of that description. For real this time. I want to feel like I deserve the love that I get on a daily basis.
And in order to feel that way I need to take a step back and figure some stuff out.
To my friends: Please don’t worry. I’m working on it. I’m gonna be better before you know it. I’ll still be talking to some people but if I seem more tired than usual I guess you know why now, huh?
Again I’m so sorry that I’m letting some people down right now who’ve depended on me so far. I just can’t keep doing it.
I love you all and I’ll be back before you know it. I promise <3
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So today, my mom and I we’re running errands and talking about family stuff, as you do. Nephew is picking up a second job, which led to discussion about his choice not to pursue an education post HS (which is a valid choice; higher education isn’t for everyone!), which led to talking about Little Sis and how now that she’s figured out what she wants to do she’s very determined to not just finish her classes even when they are hard but to do well in them, which is great!
But then it led to this exchange, and further proof my mom is either willfully ignorant or I just - somehow managed to be way more covert about my anxiety and regular mental breakdowns from 8th grade onward (so... since I was 13, which means about 15 years now lmao).
My mom goes basically “and it’s just so impressive of her because she’s doing all this while fighting depression and anxiety! Can you imagine how hard that must make everything? I mean it’s stressful enough when you’re normal, but managing to do what she’s doing and do it well with all that too!”
Me, literally taking a moment to look out my car window like I am on The Office because omfg this again, saying absolutely nothing.
Like. Ha. Haha. Yes. Imagine being depressed and still making yourself go to school and do your homework and be somewhere that makes you hate yourself more. Imagine having so much anxiety about people and life and Being Perfect that you regularly actually lose the ability to feel anything at all!!! IMAGINE THINKING THAT HAVING REGULAR EMOTIONAL BREAKDOWNS COMPLETE WITH HOURS LONG PANICKED CRYING AND BEING UTTERLY CONVINCED YOU ARE A FRAUD AND AWFUL HUMAN BEING IS JUST NORMAL! AND THEN PUSHING YOURSELF HARDER BECAUSE OF IT!!! AND HIDING IT ALL BECAUSE YOUR FAMILY IS DEALING WITH ENOUGH STUFF, AND LITERALLY TELLING ANOTHER PERSON CONCERNED FOR YOU THAT “I’m not allowed to be depressed, my family/mom can’t take that so I can’t be!”
Haha. Yeah. Can’t at all imagine that, Mom.
Can’t imagine how it feels to constantly feel like you’re a goddamn imposter among all these smart people who are gonna figure you out at any second. Can’t imagine having regular anxiety attacks over everything. Can’t imagine the weight of everything pressing in, the fear of failing to be Perfect As Expected, so much that you regress back to the worst you have every been where you thought seriously about how good it would feel to hurt yourself. Oh yeah. I would have NO idea about that, would I?
Because I was your “easy child” that you constantly THANK ME FOR BEING. Because I “never struggled as much/like Little Sis did/does”. Because I don’t have to take meds to function through every day, because my anxiety without them runs so bad that I can’t sleep, can’t stop shaking, can’t stop thinking of how everyone secretly hates me and I am a fraud about to be found out at any moment.
Because I’m apparently the kid you “didn’t have to worry about” probably because I always had to hear all your worries and upsets and didn’t want to add to them. Because unlike with Little Sis, no one ever forced you to see the issues with me (no one seemed to ever notice and that only ever made me feel MORE invisible) and so unlike with Little Sis you never had to acknowledge them. Unlike her, I went through all of it, alone. Unlike her I had to learn about it all by myself, figure out how to manage it by myself, bring myself to demand help from my doctors for it on my own.
Yeah. Please. Tell me more about how I can’t possibly imagine or understand how rough a time my sister has had with higher education and how I had it so much easier.
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