Tumgik
#that a resurgence of said harassment is in fact. quite triggering
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for some reason i personally am receiving a lot of snide comments (and a few “kill yourself you pink cunt” etc messages) regarding this tumblr+ horseshit....despite the fact I:
only just heard about it, have literally nothing to do with it
have no intention of signing up for it? it’s bullshit?
have already spoken, multiple times, at length, about how i very specifically and purposely avoid putting content behind a paywall, even when it would make more sense for me financially, bc i genuinely believe in the importance of keeping online content accessible.
i’m assuming this is punishment for the fact i include tip jar links in some of my posts (which some of you have been, haha. passionately rude about), despite the fact reader support is how I try to earn a modest living (hi. disabled and unemployed here), while keeping this blog free of sponsors/ads, and (again) not putting extra content behind paywalls, even though that has always been an option (patreon, ko-fi, other platforms exist).
so no, i’m obviously not signing up for tumblr’s new subscription ‘feature,’ as it’s the antithesis of the values i try to adhere to. and that i have talked about. multiple times.
so great job tumblr. you really fucking excel at punishing people for the behavior you claim to want to see.
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January 5th 2018
medication:
6 mg of melatonin in addition to last nights medications at 11:23 PM.
Took 30 mg duloxitine, 20 mg omeperazole, Nature made B-complex with 400 mcg L-methylfolate, 2000 IU vitamin D, 1200 mg omega 3 fish oil, and 650 mg acetominophen in the AM, 1.1 mg Hyaluronic acid, 0.5 g Glucosamine Hydrocholoride, 0.5 g methylsulfonylmethane, 66.67 mg Chondrotin Sulfate, 1.1 mg Hyaluronic acid, 66.67 mg Chondrotin Sulfate, and 1.1 mg Hyaluronic acid @ 11:45 AM.
150 mg Quetiapine, 750 mg Depakote, 30 mg mirtazapine, 3 mg melatonin, and 10 mg simvastatin at 10:33 PM.
Sleep:
Still having trouble with initiation and duration. Schedule today motivated getting up a little earlier after 10.5 hours from midnight to 10:30 AM last night.
emotions:
Love, I went shopping today and the whole time I felt longing for the love of my life that used to always be up for these trips. As hard as it is to manage my budget without her partnership, I wish for the resurgence of her presence in my life and want to show my love for her with all the thoughtful ways I would now be capable of using my money if she would be my partner again. She was represented again in my dreams, but I did not record them quickly enough to get an accurate representation of them. The strangest thing I remember is that she was an idealized appearing version of herself that was consistent with the beauty she commented on in other women, yet despite the change in appearance I identified it as her in the dream. There was some adventure required and some imagery involving boats, rivers, and riverside beaches as well. 
Sorrow, intense transient sorrow, after meeting with mental healthcare provider. I had to vocalize some of the things that my love wrote me in her heartbreaking email (the first post of this blog). I did not cry in the appointment, but my voice definitely trembled. Then there was the drive after the appointment when the love songs and the hard reality of wanting my friend back in my life when I am not welcome in hers broke me. I cried and the tears stained my cheeks. I felt some strange pride in feeling like even with all the closure she provided and tangible evidence that she has chosen to shut me out the show that I have a love like no one else for her. There was a song playing with someone singing about how no one will ever love her like I love her on and it probably fed my emotions in that moment. 
Disappointment, I was disappointed in myself for not finishing chapter 8 of the novel I’m writing today at the coffee shop. I just ran out of time. Incorporating, the strange exam that I perceived as oddly sensual into the novel was a bigger trigger for my past trauma than I expected and describing the experience within the plot line is taking more pages than I expected. In retrospect, it makes sense that I struggled with self worth while writing about something that always undermines my self worth. 
Fear that my love will take action to further restrict my potential career options with legal action. Worried that volunteer position will suffer from her ability to file a harassment order against me. Recalled Christmas present and felt some conflict between hope and fear. I hope she can see that it was a sweet romantic thing I intended to do, but fearful that it’s the final action I took that scared her to a point that she will never consider letting me back into her life. I think hope won this debate in my midbrain, because I have been able to respect her wishes since receiving her email. 
Trust, I trust my love with my whole heart. I trust that if she see’s the beauty in who I am again she will find it in herself to communicate with me again. However, I don’t have her trust. I can’t get that back without her willingness to risk a part of her heart again. 
Faith, I think that my faith is something that is really hard for me to explain. I have faith that my love wants me to do well, but my faith is shaken by her absence. It was such a traumatic part of feeling ready to commit my life to her. Her faith in God was something that startled me when she said she was preying for us. I don’t like that song that is always on the radio “I hope you find your peace, falling on your knees praying.” Still, now I find myself wondering if my love still preys for me. I hope sometimes in those prayers she finds room to prey for us too. I have not found myself preying much, but in the moments I find myself on my knees I think my mind is actually preying for our love to find a way to be together again. 
Lonely, selectively, I want to share my experience with my love and can’t. It hurts and isolates me in the way only losing someone truly special to me can. This is the pain that stays with me through everything that happens. It feels like a part of me is missing. In many ways that is the best way to describe the joy and melancholy of the sea of time in front of me without my love. My heart is missing. However, it is more than that this time. This time it also feels like a part of my mind is missing. A part of my soul too, this relationship had what I looked for my entire life. That thing no one can describe about the person their looking for. That thing that makes you know it is love, maybe that is my soul. I feel like part of my soul is missing. 
I hate smoking. It feels horrible. It tastes bad. It makes everything smell bad. It focuses all the things I don’t like about my experience into a systemically bad activity that comes and goes with a pace that I can handle without too much emotional distress, but I still hate it.
thoughts:
I think about my love all the time still. Missing my friend today made me wonder about how she would think about me if she could find a reason in herself to reach out to me. I think she would see all the things about me that she fell in love with. I spent some time today thinking about her love for her family and how complicated it must seem to her if she did still feel love for me and was even considering reconnecting. I think her father and the member of her family that was mediating are probably the hardest conversations to consider. Her father, In my mind, would be pretty simple. All that he seems to want is for her to be happy. He is probably worried about losing face, but if I was what she wanted I think he would accept me for his daughters happiness. The mediator is a bit more complicated. I think that she is probably convinced about my love for her being the kind of love that would last a lifetime, but the complications of trusting her I ran into and the financial approach that my family and I have being so unproductive during this separation would be area’s that my love would have to find a way to get through to her. I also think that this is all possible musing based on the false hope that someday, somehow, my love will want me to be a part of her life again. 
I thought for a long time today about how interesting it is that as humans we have the ability to think about out emotions. I thought about what thinking I could do to make my emotional experience more satisfying. This is a way to cope with my schizoaffetive I think I used successfully for days before I hit the uncontrollable crisis that ruined, yet again, the most important part of my life; the only relationship I’ve ever had that I thought could last a lifetime. 
I think about using the potential for my love to return to me as motivation to quit using tobacco, but without the active engagement of her in communication with me I know this will be a fleeting strategy. This thought also makes me think about if my love could possibly be pregnant with our child. It would be a surprise given the protection that we regularly used and the fact that my disease destroyed my libido at the end of out relationship, but I think it would make me feel overjoyed if she was choosing to keep our child through this disastrous breakup she keeps asserting she wants. This is probably a product of the hope I gain from reading about how she changes her mind. The surprise I felt when she wrote about how she could not possibly not love our child because it was ours. The joy I find now in the knowledge that she is capable of changing her mind about matters of the heart. I also thought about the strange irony of getting her heart shredding email while I was still working on that first pack of cigarette. 
I have this horrible thought that my love is trying to catch up with me by having an equal number of romantic relationships to the number I had before our relationship. That she thinks that If she has as many failed relationships as I had coming into our relationship then she might want to consider my marriage proposal again. It’s a desperate and hollow thought that is probably rooted in the traumatic details of what happened when I was a child. I think that it’s something I need to find a better way to cope with. 
Think my weight loss has stabilized, but I’ve been eating a lot late at night again. Eating breakfast is a habit I think I want to resume, but it’s so hard when I’m almost always too depressed to get out of bed unless I have something I feel I have to. I’ve been eating the large stock of food that my love and I stockpiled. It was kind of necessary because my budget is do tight. Her favorite kind of ramen is actually really good. I can eat it now that there are no restrictions on my diet. I’ve had it a few times and I think of her each time I smell and prepare it. It makes me miss her and feel like I can remember the intimacy in our relationship. None of my cloths fit except a few T-shirts that were too small before I dropped close to 50 lbs total.
Thought again about the presence of items belonging to my love still in my possession being indications she will return. Hopeful it will produce at least civil conversation directly between us. Makes me long for that day and miss her. 
Improving thoughts about previous suicidal ideation. Alternative plans emerging as possibilities. 
schedule:
11:30 physical therapy physician. Finished with one program and need to maintain gains with exercise on my own. Motivated to do so, but struggling with self motivation given recent loss of romance and current depression. 
Went shopping for much needed replacements to current apparel. Found new brand and design I liked. Triggered desire to contact my love and share, but suppressed by fear of legal action on her part.
Meeting with medication management provider. Increased dose of Mirtazapine to 30 mg and given access to xanax for help with sleep initiation.  
Wanted to play guitar in public again, but potentially recurring event is being formalized. Not invited to play tonight. 
work:
Off today. Minimal contact about 1 modification to schedule so I can make doctors appointment on Monday. Got recurring schedule from supervisor. 
Increasing desire to find position more consistent with research interests, but difficulty seeing where this will go in schedule. Have to find a place for it to maintain unemployment claim benefit claim. Unemployment benefits unlikely to pay again from my perspective given new work stability. 
social life:
Thinking about going out tonight, but no plans. Who was I kidding, I’m not going out tonight. The chances I’ll run into the person I’m looking for are negligible. If I did it’s possible it would end in disaster. 
Initially posted at 6:41 PM. Evening meds not consumed as indicated with 10:33 time of dose. 
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