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stilemawillow · 2 years

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Well-Placed Humour [Levi | Cadet! Reader]

You smiled up at the friendly faces around your table, wishing times of peace such as this one could remain. Despite the inward happiness you felt, something kept prodding at the back of your mind. Your gaze strayed towards the doors of the mess hall.

Corporal Levi Ackerman had left through them half an hour ago and dinner was barely nearing its end at the current moment. Your eyebrows had immediately furrowed upon seeing him stand and make his way to the exit but your lips had left no words slip by at the action. He hadn't once glanced back at the occupants of the mess hall, choosing to simply leave as the door's loud creak announced his intentions and the soft click of it closing behind his back finalised the deal.

Your curious gaze returned to the cadets at your table - a bunch of bright young people with wishful eyes and hopeful smiles. You observed Malik laughing at Elle's joke and though you didn't get to hear the joke per se you could tell it had been a good one by the way the fair-haired male's lungs wheezed in amusement. Elle had a knack for making him laugh and, as of recently, you pondered her feelings for him as well - if you were lucky you'd get to see a relationship bloom in near future. You gave a soft smile as a huff left your nose when Melody tapped your shoulder.

"Everything alright? You were gone for around a minute." Her green eyes bore into yours, concern evident around the small circle of her pupil. It prompted you to shake your head as you denied having any problems whatsoever and that was exactly what you did.

"Everything's fine." You chuckled at her worried expression before she pouted at your behaviour and returned to her food. Truthfully, your sentence had been as accurate as possible. Everything was fine. You just doubted that Corporal Levi Ackerman would agree with that statement himself.

Levi sighed as his fingers pinched the bridge of his nose and he blinked at the papers in front of him tiredly. He'd been doing paperwork for two hours now but there was still a lot of it left. He was, strangely enough, grateful for the enormous amount of documents he had to handle because otherwise he'd be burdened with the responsibility of fixing the chemistry between the members of his newly founded squad - and that was a much bigger problem than a dozen lists and reports that had to be filled out.

The ebony-haired Corporal pondered the earlier mess they'd created due to their bad relationship. Eld and Gunther had gotten into another argument and when Petra had tried to stop them she'd only made things worse because Oluo - the loyal puppy she'd won herself, had followed her and gotten into the fight himself. The four of them were total rookies despite having been on a single expedition as a squad, on which they came pretty close to dying at the hands of their stupidity, and the fact they were almost stomped over while being stacked together (in the middle of once again arguing) didn't make them more of a team.

Reality was a bitch. Life was a bitch. Karma was a bitch. Everyone was a bitch in Levi's opinion. He'd gotten used to that during his time in the Survey Corps though - two years during which he'd climbed up the ranks in the army's hierarchy, building a reputation for himself with the help of his constant glaring inbetween everything else. After two years, he knew what he was doing and he was starting to get used to it when suddenly, Erwin had decided to make him a Squad Leader on top of everything else. A Squad Leader meant a squad to take care of and teach about the reality of things, a number of chosen people he had to trust, protect and work with.

Levi had been perfectly fine with choosing them and letting them fight after he'd taught them this and that, but working with them and protecting them, being responsible for them - now that was something he couldn't deal with. He couldn't feel the connection between them and obviously, neither could they because all they'd done for the past month was shout at each other and argue at all times. It resembled, to Levi, looking after a bunch of children and he was no good with kids.

The ebony-haired male sighed, attempting to force everything off his mind as his hand resumed writing. He concluded he could finish this report before consulting Hanji on the topic of his squad and how to make its members get along a bit better, but his current priority was getting himself some tea. Levi was about to rise from his seat when three steady knocks reached his ears alongside a muffled line of curses.

"Name and business." He called from his seat as his eyes focused on the door. He hadn't given anybody chores today so he concluded it was a random cadet seeking audience with him on a stupid topic because had his visitor been Hanji or Erwin they would've let themselves in by now.

"I'm cadet (Y/N) (L/N). You haven't called me, but I thought I'd bring you some tea, Corporal." The steady voice made his thin brows knit together in mild wonder as he pondered his next move. Your overall presence, however, was beneficial to him, seeing as it saved him the effort to go make himself tea.

".. come in, cadet." He watched you enter, hand balancing a tray with a teapot and a cup on top. The clinking of the porcelain could be heard as you gently kicked the door closed with your heel and held onto the metal tray for dear life after it slammed behind your back. Eyes screaming apologies his way, you approached the desk he sat at and skilfully placed the tray on top. He eyed it prior to fixing his orbs on your visage and the weird feeling he connected it to. His eyes narrowed as he contemplated your importance.

"Is everything alright, sir?" You asked worriedly, putting to use the tasteless question your best friend had also fired your way nearly an hour ago. Snapping out of his daze, Levi looked up to meet your (e/c) hues and it hit him as to why you'd stayed in his memory as a special person.

The innocent tilt of your head as you asked a harmless question and the bright - albeit concerned - gleam in your eyes as you watched him he had witnessed fairly often even though their receiver hadn't always been him. Your smile he almost immediately remembered - it stretched wide across your face and was punctuated by a pair of dimples. The small snort you had a tendency to let out prior to laughing was another trait he seemed to recall - it was what he would hear every time when the silence during his training sessions was to be broken. Another thing he remembered about you was how well you cleaned, almost to the point it met his standards. Your combat skills weren't the best, along with your cooking, but you were in your element with the 3DMG strapped to your body.

Nobody was perfect after all. And with Levi knowing that he acknowledged that not everything was fine as well. Because it never was.

"You could say so." Came his answer. You held back a pout as your teeth bit into the inside of your cheek and your fingers started fidgeting with the hem of your shirt. Levi noticed the gesture and wondered whether to dismiss you or keep you there longer. Not knowing your character all too well, the male decided to test your social skills. "Take a seat." He could see the hesitant expression on your face along with the abrupt stiffness in your shoulders.

"Are you su---" He needn't even open his mouth to stop you right there, the mere prompt raise of his eyebrow made your mouth clamp shut as you nodded and took a seat on the couch to his left with a downcast gaze. His experiment was rolling down a steep heel when you didn't speak for the next five minutes, being so silent and stiff he almost forgot you were in the room. Then it came, just when his hand had gotten tired of writing: "May I call you by your first name, Corporal?" The inquiry was so stupid he had to suppress a snort but that didn't mean he wouldn't try to entertain himself with it.

"Do you wish to?" The cold retort in the form of a question made your eyebrows furrow as you bit your lip in nervousness. You were sweating bullets and it wasn't even hot in the room - the window behind Levi's back was open wide, letting fresh air inside. He took a sip from the tea you'd made and observed his paperwork, ignoring the urge to make fun of your awkwardness.

"... I guess so." The answer came out small and shy despite the big pause preceding it and Levi could swear he'd never heard a cadet being so straightforward with their superior. Had any other subordinate of his been stupid enough to ask him anything of the sort they would've bailed the moment he'd given them a chance to excuse themselves - something you didn't do.

"Then you may." The bored statement rang in your ears loud and clear. It was surreal. And, seeing as the Corporal was yet to insult you or give you chores to do, you decided to engage him more - be a bit braver if you would.

"So, um..." Levi kept quiet in the face of your pitiful mumbling, interested to see what you'd ask of him next. Your conversation so far - if it could've been given such a title at all, wasn't overflowing with topics or any actual dialogue, which might've been amusing for the tired Levi but it only made you tenser than before. "I heard our next expedition's in a month but before that, we'll be visiting town for supplies. I was wondering if cadets were allowed to go."

"Usually cadets are the only people who go." Levi's careless reply made your hands move in a way that didn't show nervousness and your head tilted to the side, making the ebony-haired superior conclude another question was on its way out of your curious mouth.

"So no superiors?" You asked with a hopeful flutter of your eyelashes as he glanced up from his paperwork, only to conclude he didn't want to watch as your wishful expression fell in the face of his bored answer. This social experiment of his was finally taking off in some kind of direction.

"No, Hanji and I are accompanying the cadets this time because we have a strict list of things we need." The explanation was offered carelessly in the form of a stoic sentence that, just as suspected, made your hopeful smile's corners drop. Realisation seeped into the crease between your brows as you looked down in thoughtfulness, a small 'oh' falling from your lips. "I sense disappointment, cadet." Levi stated pointedly after stealing a fleeting glance in your direction.

"I was just wondering if I could visit town as well." You spoke with a pleading gaze that made Levi turn back to his paperwork with a small snort. His hand kept writing and his tea sat by it, eager to be consumed.

"I'd have to ask Erwin." The ebony-haired superior announced professionally, which, contrary to his expectations, made your shoulders jump as your wide eyes bore into his temple fearfully.

"If the Commander has to approve of the idea I'd rather not burden him with such stupid things. I'll just stay and help with cleaning." It was obvious you wanted to go but if it concerned bothering somebody you immediately dismissed it as something insignificant. Levi snorted at your response, so different from the one he'd anticipated it annoyed him. As to further preoccupy himself with something different he let go of his pen and grabbed the cup you'd brought instead, taking another sip from the tea before locking gazes with the teapot in front of him.

"Then I'd rather bring you and not tell Erwin at all." Stealing a glance at your visage, the male witnessed your whole face light up at his words. Teenagers were so easy to please, he mused internally, remembering he himself had been a teenager some years ago. In contrast with the one sitting two feet away from him, however, he hadn't been that easy to please. An unbelieving 'really?' left your lips in a fit of exultation, to which Levi only rolled his eyes prior to giving you a brief glare. "I certainly didn't hear myself stuttering." Was the curt reply he offered that did nothing to your overjoyed state.

"Thank you, Levi!" There came the first use of his name. It was a wonder it didn't make him scowl more than he normally would. A mere cadet he barely knew addressing him so casually was supposed to feel odd and uncomfortable but the dimples at the ends of your smile as you called his name prevented any negative emotions from nestling inside his chest.

"Why are you so determined to visit town?" Levi redirected the topic and your joyful smile froze on your face, only to melt away into a smaller, sadder one. A reminiscent one.

"It's a long story." You argued weakly, trying to dodge the topic with a calm face and a steady voice. Levi however, having tolerated this conversation this far only so he could learn more of your character and avoid his paperwork (and with it the problems concerning his squad), wasn't having that kind of behaviour at this point of things.

"... I have time." He said after a small pause, straying from his personal tendency of not wasting time on small-talk and any kinds of conversations that didn't include his duties or anything very important. You seemed almost as surprised to hear that as he'd been to say it.

"I have to visit my parents." You stated with a bright smile after concluding the superior wasn't bullshitting you by deciding to ignore your warning. "On my birthdays my mother would give me a flower and my father would jokingly pretend he'd forgotten the occasion before gifting me a candy worth his monthly paycheck. We'd play out in the fields and at bedtime, I'd get a kiss on the forehead and a story with a happy ending." You watched Levi's reaction as he drank from his tea, unsuspecting of the sentence you'd voice next. "Nowadays I pay them a visit on my birthday and the kind lady from the candy shop down the street gives me flowers to put on their graves."

The ebony-haired male's jaw tensed as he processed your words. Of course, the people in this army who could proudly state their family was still alive were very few and hard to find. One in a hundred maybe. To Levi however, that was a natural occurrence and he didn't really feel the need to profess his deepest condolences. It wouldn't make you feel better and it sure as hell wouldn't bring your parents back - it was a useless attempt at sympathy he wouldn't make.

"Why on your birthday?" He asked instead, curious to hear your reasoning on the topic. A normal person would suspect you wouldn't want to upset yourself further on a supposedly happy day by having to stand at your parents' graves with the knowledge you wouldn't be able to see them. Levi wondrously watched the crease disappear from inbetween your brows as your lips formed a bittersweet smile, your gaze locking with his.

"We've always spent it together." Came the simple argument, so small and so soft it could've been missed along the way. Sentiment - the shorter version of the answer rang in his head loudly. It was a natural response in other people and though it had rusted away in him, Levi's stomach took a turn at your words as he remembered his own birthday. How he and his mother would almost freeze to death in their dirty home, how they'd stay up late, playing shadow wars on the walls, laughing until their empty stomachs hurt. Then his mother would cough, maybe spit out blood, and when he'd ask if she was okay, she'd smile and pat his head. She's tell him everything was fine. It never was.

"When was the last time you celebrated it for real?" He questioned, face nowhere close to hinting at the thoughts swirling around his mind. They weren't worth mentioning because they were past and the past was better left behind. Levi watched you scoff as you whisked your hand through the air and reclined against the cushion.

"I couldn't because I'd enlisted as a trainee and I didn't have the chance to go home that day. I received the news of them getting killed on the same date during a house robbery a week later. It secured I'd never forget my special day." A sardonic smile sitting at the corners of your mouth, you looked into Levi's eyes and confused him like nobody had until now. You were fifteen, your first expedition had been last month and your parents had been killed when you were eleven years old. And you smiled as you spoke of it but not in the bad way - in the brave way instead. Where that bravery came from when the wounds weren't likely to have healed fully he didn't know.

"And you don't hate your birthday now?" He cocked a questioning eyebrow your way but your smile only softened as you looked at the ceiling like it would start the sentence you had in mind in your stead. When that didn't happen you faced Levi again and spoke up.

"It's a day on which I go talk to my parents every year, I don't see why I should hate it. I usually tell them about my day, my new friends and so on." Your explanation was naïve and stupid but your smile told him you were well aware of how your words had sounded.

"You talk to the tombstones?" Levi asked with raised eyebrows, the idea being too ridiculous not to get questioned. You shrugged your shoulders and gave a small sigh of helplessness before replying.

"I stopped crying long ago and I don't think staring at them intensively is a proper parent-child activity." Your joke made Levi's lips purse in slight reproach directed at himself. He shouldn't have found it funny because it included dead parents and a really unhealthy coping mechanism, but he couldn't help it. Your sense of humour was strange and dry but it sure as hell made him scoff in slight approval.

"Tell me something else about your childhood." He demanded reluctantly, fingers bringing the cup of tea to his lips as you tapped your chin thoughtfully and contemplated which adventure to start with. You never had many friends so most of your stories included animals or you running off in the woods and making yourself flower crowns in abandoned areas with fields close by.

"I had a pet at one point, called him Jim and hid him in my room. Imagine me coming home one day and hearing my mother scream at my father as he smashed something with the butt of his rifle. It was a pretty gruesome scene and I cried a lot but I remember getting scolded for looking after a rat for a whole month straight. Personally, I consider it an achievement." You smirked at the end of your little story and the ebony-haired man stared at you emotionlessly, unimpressed and mildly grossed out by the notion of a child looking after a rat.

"And if it took a dump on the floor?" He asked as you frowned, back leaning against the back of the couch with your arms folded across your chest in defiance. You dared give your superior a small offended glare before answering: "He was very sophisticated, mind you." To which Levi's nose scrunched up in distaste. "He was a rat." The prejudice-filled retort made the corners of your lips curl downwards as your eyes narrowed at the ebony-haired male and his open disapproval before you decided to dig into his past as well.

"You speak of him as if you've never had a pet." You argued calmly, your chin subconsciously having lifted itself in some self-assured little moment where you thought you could outwit your superior. Levi however, was immune to implications and mind-games of the like so his response was honest and straightforward as could be, briefly surprising you with its sincerity.

"That's because I haven't. The only living things I have memories of are cockroaches and the occasional rat. I like neither." The male scowled darkly after taking another sip from his tea and you tilted your head at his words, waiting for some sort of reasoning that would help you understand him a bit better.

"Why?" You questioned, a curious glint shining in your hue as the male shrugged weakly. His reasons had always sounded good - he hadn't had a pet because he hadn't had time for a pet, when you killed and stole for a living, normally you didn't have time to go home and feed your pet. Not to mention the lack of animals in the Underground City altogether. The only times he'd seen a horse was when the Military Police would visit local merchants because even cats and dogs considered the city too bad a place to live at.

"My mother never hesitated to kill them in front of me and as a result, I didn't have time to grow fond of their kind, with having to watch their intestines on my floor and all." The nonchalance in his voice and the hidden disgust in his ashen hues contradicted themselves but you didn't question it because prodding too much was sure to make the Corporal angry and you didn't want to get scolded after coming to feel fairly comfortable around him.

"And your father?" You poked another topic altogether because he hadn't mentioned him once and you were curious as to what kind of person his father would be. Levi himself didn't know. Had he been tall or short, handsome or ugly, kind or mean - maybe the latter in all three cases. Because when it came to the Underground it was always the latter and he was sure it would continue to always be the latter.

"He's a taboo. Don't ask." The male, instead of answering straightforwardly, grabbed the pen he'd left on his desk and started writing the report he'd abandoned some minutes ago in order to humour the stupid idea that had hit him. This conversation had turned in a direction he favoured less than the course he had in mind so, of course, he'd decided to end it altogether. You, however, held a different opinion on the matter.

"He died?" You questioned slowly, gaze pushing at his temple curiously as he glared ahead at the paperwork he doubted he would get to finish today. All the better for him because he wouldn't have to deal with his squad until tomorrow morning which was still something.

"What did I just say?" The glare he shot you made your mouth clamp shut in regret as you hastily apologised and proceeded to avoid eye contact for the following few seconds. Silence settled in and he watched your guilty profile before parting his lips and taking a deep breath. He acknowledged he was making a mistake but he also realised it wouldn't hurt to make the kicked-puppy kind of expression leave your face by satisfying your unending curiosity. "I never knew him." He stated stiffly, making you huff as you fidgeted in your seat and gave an awkward smile.

"At least you didn't have to bear the pain of losing both your parents, it's not a luxury all can afford." You lightened the atmosphere at the price of a brief glare and a weak reprimand but you felt better knowing the stern superior didn't actually dislike you.

"Very funny, (L/N). I'd say you can make everything funny but after a few more expeditions that humour level will surely drop." His eyes narrowed at you and you smiled, confident in yourself and the jokes you could come up with up until the very moment you died. You were sure it would take at least a year to make your humour level decrease but he was yet to learn it and you'd made sure it stayed that way.

"You just watch." The challenge was on and Levi had obviously accepted it - or at least you thought his eyes had told you so. In reality, he resumed doing his paperwork and drinking his tea but the conceited huff he gave out hinted at the confidence he held. Somewhere deep within, however, he hoped he would lose because winning meant never seeing that beautiful haughty smile of yours again and he found it quite refreshing, to say the least.

You sat on the ground, hugging your knees close to your body and weakly digging around the soil in front of the two tombstones with the tips of your boots as you spoke, an absentminded smile sitting on your lips. "Training with him is so fun. I never get to win but that's okay. If he goes lightly on me I'll get mad anyway. You should hear him complain about his squad though, I swear he doesn't realise how adorable he is when he does that." You glanced up, tracing your mother's name with bright hues as the corners of your lips curled up in amusement.

"He's turning twenty-nine this December so he also says he'll be old pretty soon - now that's a good joke. With his face, I don't think he'll look old even when he turns forty. Maybe he'll just get silver streaks in his hair because of me and the rest of the cadets." You released a weak chuckle before thinking of something else and facing the sky instead of the tombstones. Your smile fell and your boots stopped pushing at the ground as your eyes focused on a lone cloud over your head, straying from the green crowns of the trees around the graveyard.

"Remember Melody? I told you about her last year. She was seriously the best friend I could ask for. She died because I fucked up on the expedition three months ago." You gritted your teeth with a spiteful snort as your fingers dug into the fabric of your pants. "I guess it doesn't matter how much I train when I can't save the people who matter most." You gave a pitiful chuckle when your train of thoughts did an abrupt turn and you decided to voice it with a matter-of-fact tone.

"On that topic, I'll have you know their count hasn't hit zero yet. This is a pretty embarrassing thing to say to my dead parents but I really need to get it off my chest now that my best friend's also dead and I'm not dumb enough as to write it down." Your orbs darted back to the tombstones as your fingers started fidgeting. "So, I think I..." Embarrassment wasn't something you were supposed to feel when talking to two inanimate objects and a bunch of air but your heart was beating fast just thinking of what you were about to say. "I think I like Levi." Light wind ruffled your hair and muffled your words but you didn't mind. You spent the next ten seconds staring at the tombstones and waiting for a reaction before a snort escaped your nostrils and you burst out laughing.

"It sounds so strange to say with me being seventeen and him being twenty-eight, not to mention my superior. But I think I do like him. I can't lie to him, I'm constantly worried about him, my mouth's always dry when I talk to him and my heart's always racing when he looks at me. Is this what that's supposed to feel like or is he just giving me minor cardiac arrests?" Your giant grin didn't drop even when the stones give you an answer and the sheen in your hues didn't darken even when you concluded you'd never get one because they were gone forever and you talking to objects with their names engraved on their surface wouldn't change that. "I guess it's useless to ask you." Grin melting away into a soft smile, you shook your head and huffed in mild disappointment.

Year after year you came and put flowers on graves you hoped would magically talk to you when, in fact, your mother would never hear of your crush on your superior and your father would never give you that special candy for your birthday again. It was an inevitable truth you had to learn to live with because at this point of things you were just telling pretty lies to yourself in hopes nobody would break that fragile reality for you. You sat on the ground for a few more minutes, contemplating what else to say, when you heard nearing footsteps.

"Sitting on the ground is really fucking unsanitary, (L/N). I'd rather you get up immediately." You turned to face the frowning Corporal with your usual smile but not before taking a second to appreciate the sight of him in casual clothes - a long-sleeved black shirt and white pants that made your hormonal self blink at him owlishly because the only other option was to literally start drooling. Who knew a year spent in close relations with the stoic superior would make you this much a stupid teenager with a crush. Surely not you.

"Such a way to ruin an emotional bonding moment, Levi. My pants thank you for your unneeded concern, though." You grinned up at him, vouchsafing him the sight of your dimples as he scoffed, hands stuffed in the pockets of his own pants.

"Always the joker. Just get up." He commanded sourly as you rolled your eyes and complied, dusting yourself off before looking at him again. "Here." The small word was followed by the action of him pushing a small object in a shiny wrapper into your hold. Cold fingers brushing against yours, Levi averted his gaze from your expression as you inspected the item he'd handed you, lips parting in surprise at it.

"This is expensive." You stated slowly, eyes unable to part from the shiny wrapper as the ebony-haired male shrugged his shoulders and turned away from you with the intention to start walking back to where you'd left your horses. Some excuse concerning a discount slipped past his lips but you weren't listening intently. You followed with a ponderous step as your head filled with memories of the candy you held and how you'd eat it only on your birthday. Your father's smile graced your memories with its image and you threw the tombstone behind you a brief glance before running up to Levi's side. "You didn't buy one for yourself." You pointed out as the male's ashen hues bore into yours, making you realise the insides of your mouth had once again become dry and your heart rate had accelerated. Stupid crush.

"I don't like sweets." Even his bored voice - something you hadn't paid any particular attention to during your first conversation, had become dangerously attractive as of lately. Everything about him had become attractive all of a sudden but you coming to realise and acknowledge it was a gradual process. You didn't just wake up one day and tell yourself that Corporal Levi Ackerman was the most handsome man you'd seen in your life - no, it was the little things that made you notice your own feelings instead.

One day you'd stare at your own fingers for half an hour after they'd brushed against his, another you'd space off as he talked to you because of unknown to you reasons which later turned out to have been his eyes and how grey they were, the next one you'd catch yourself looking at his hands during a private training session and thinking if they'd be calloused or soft, or subconsciously admiring the way his adam's apple bobbed up and down when he drank water during breaks. It went on like that for some time, with him doing nothing particularly special and you internally - not to mention unknowingly - worshipping him, until you acquired enough pieces to put the whole puzzle together.

"And I don't like lies but I won't complain." Your retort was sharp and your pout was visible but when Levi threw you a half-hearted fleeting glare you felt your lips stretch in a smile. You inwardly contemplated his reasons for giving you something so similar to a present when it dawned on you they didn't matter one bit - what made a bunch of butterflies dance around in your stomach was the fact he'd done it at all. "Thanks for trying to make me fatter." You joked with a haughty smile as he snorted and you suddenly wondered what it'd be like if you could just hold his hand right now and feel normal for a second. Out on a date with your attractive boyfriend maybe.

"A few more expeditions and you'll stop talking like that." Or maybe not. The ebony-haired male's cold voice made you return to the reality you didn't want to face. Of you being a stupid teenager with an even stupider crush on somebody who was way too perfect to ever agree to be with you; of you having been amazingly lucky to have him regard you differently than the rest and help you when he had way better things to do; of him being too rational to look at you and think of you as anything more than a cadet with too dry and stubborn a sense of humour.

"Or a lot." You smiled at him softly, dimples making an appearance on your cheeks as he huffed and faced the front again, only to look back and see you scowling down at your feet the next second. Unbeknownst to both of you, Levi felt once again that desperate urge to lose this little argument of yours because, willingly or not, he'd gotten way too attached to your smile to let it slip through his fingers now.

"I like you." The surreal statement out of your lips fell on Levi's ears as he was doing his paperwork, concentrated and loyal to not straying from this specific report Erwin had requested of him by midnight. To say he would've been on the verge of choking on his own spit had he not been dazed enough to deem your words a hallucination of kinds wouldn't be a lie.

"What did you say?" Hand lifting his pen from the paper in front of him out of fear the accidental dash he already let happen would repeat if you happened to have said exactly what he considered had been a hallucination, Levi turned to face your form as you sat on the couch to his left, innocently playing with a pen you'd stolen from his desk. You looked up, a small amused smile curling your lips before he saw a spark go off in your eyes. The ebony-haired male just blinked at you, waiting for the moment you would speak and confirm or dismiss his inward hunch on the topic.

"I said... I like you, Levi. You're only twenty-nine, you're not supposed to be deaf yet." Your mild teasing sealed the deal - it hadn't been a hallucination but you'd chosen to degrade it by acting so calmly he could've been deceived all over again. Levi's fingers gently put the pen down as his grey hues clashed with your (e/c) gaze - persistent and sincere, just like every other part of you.

"I don't know if I should address the insult or the confession first." He admitted slowly, though you might've taken it as a mockery of sorts. Confusion had clouded his vision and all he could hear was the phrase 'I like you, Levi' as he stared at your face - calm and collected when it should've been bashful and cutely pouting in nervousness. It made his eyebrows furrow in uncertainty.

This was a specific situation he didn't know how to handle. He'd rejected two girls during his time in the Survey Corps so far but they'd been mere cadets he knew nothing more than the name of. Here came you, though - and he knew you. He knew your face and your laugh and he only need hear you snort in order to recognise you; he went to bed sometimes with the image of your dimples in his mind and he kept his goddamn distance because he couldn't get used to the thought of you having landed him a low blow and unknowingly weakened his defences. This wasn't a situation he'd anticipated but now that it had eventuated the fact he was unprepared didn't matter one bit because he had to deal with it properly if he didn't want to fuck up your whole relationship.

"Suit yourself, I'm not in a hurry." You shrugged, hugging your knees close to your chest after slipping your boots off your feet and resuming your absentminded play with the pen in your hands. You tossed it between your fingers a few times before giving the confused superior a small pointed huff. "Also you don't really need to answer. I suspect it's not exactly mutual." The way you stated it so casually made his shoulders stiffen as his frown deepened. The gears in his mind were overworking themselves but then the puzzle pieces came together - and the big picture seemed so easy to explain using only a single rather simple fact.

"You suspect?" He doubtfully quirked a thin brow at you and your calm behaviour, expecting your answer. Your shoulders were once again briefly shrugged, your delicate fingers were spinning the pen around in your hold and your eyes were impassive, averted from his and focused on the little item you were playing with. Levi suspected you wouldn't come to look at him soon even though you normally adored making eye contact during your moments of painfully casual straightforwardness.

"You have your reasons to think it wouldn't be right, if you've thought about it at all." Your mouth was dry and your heart was beating fast but Levi had no way of knowing that - you were hiding it too well. Your hues were pinned to the pen you'd taken from his desk because otherwise they'd be frantically bouncing around the room and that would give away your nervousness. You had a tendency not to act shy around him at this point of things, but this was a special occasion and though you didn't show it you were being a straight-up teenager on the inside.

"And if I have?" His question brought awareness to your senses but your eyes didn't leave the pen in your hold. He knew he'd made you panic and you were struggling to bring a calm retort to the table but you managed to do it before he had a chance to say anything else that could make you react in a way.

"I'll make fun of you because I'm not deserving of it." The way in which you looked up at him - fearfully, not hopefully - as if only to check if he'd been honest or not, made Levi's brows knit together in mild pity you didn't manage to see because your eyes had already left his visage. The pen you were holding was the most interesting thing you'd ever held - that was the aura you wanted to give off, and even though you managed it was yet to deceive Levi as it should've.

"Which part?" He questioned boredly, hues not once leaving your face. He was searching along the edges for something he might've missed - a spark of insecurity or doubt, or hidden scorn that would make him conclude this whole dialogue had been the product of a cruel joke. He knew however, you'd never joke about something like this and you'd never purposefully avoid meeting his eye if this wasn't serious. It also being the cause for both your inward torment was beside the point. How was it that a seemingly casual normal setting could be so tense if a few sentences held a different meaning than the usual phrases you exchanged?

"The you part. I'm lucky to be this close to you as it is, anything more is me being unfairly lucky and selfish, not to mention you being illogically dumb." You rolled your eyes and your voice betrayed you - there came that little spiteful tone, always accompanied by the sardonic curl of your mouth. Such an unhealthy coping mechanism you had - Levi pondered it for a second before snorting and shaking his head in mild disappointment. It had shown - in a way you wouldn't have expected for him to notice but still.

"Always a fucking joker. It took me some time to figure it's more of a coping mechanism than a genuine response." The ebony-haired male got a hand through his locks in slight frustration as every inward guess of his received official confirmation. You liked him - check. You were afraid to admit it - check. You were nervous - check. You didn't believe there was an outcome in which he liked you back - check. You wanted to get this over with - check.

"Congratulations because I'm going to shit my pants due to nervousness and you're not doing anything to help my situation." You laughed, a snort preceding the action, as Levi cocked a brow at you and tilted his head innocently, much like you did every time you asked him a question.

"You want me to do something?" He inquired curiously with a steady voice, making you shake your head as your nervousness reached its peak and even the pen in your hold no longer helped you sustain your composure. Your hands were slammed against the couch on both sides of your body and your eyes bore into his with a fiery intensity that required a response to your confession.

"Even rejecting me would be helpful, yes." You said with a wry smile that only further helped Levi's decision on the matter of him doing something to relieve you of the stress you'd deliberately put on your own shoulders. The ebony-haired male got up from his seat and stepped towards you, never breaking the eye contact you'd finally decided to engage. When he was standing in front of you and you were gazing up at him with a craned neck and a twitchy wry smile, he spoke.

"You're hoping for too much." Levi had no time to study and enjoy the sight of your bewildered expression but he could proudly state he got to shut up any witty remark that was to leave your lips. Suddenly, everything that had been reality up to this moment turned into a wondrous dream you were having a hard time waking from, all because your superior was kissing you and it felt so much better than what you'd imagined you'd rather believe it wasn't happening at all. But it was real - or so the gentle grip his calloused fingers held over your jaw said, and the hot lips sloppily pressed against your own, and the lack of oxygen in your lungs as your fingers tangled in his ebony locks. Then he parted from you and as your pants fanned his pale face, he used a sultry kind of husky voice you'd never heard before to make your knees wobble to the point you had to steady your feet on the floor. "Say it again." Levi commanded, eager to hear it despite the fact it had been repeating in his head non-stop for the past few minutes, ever since the moment you first said it.

"The part about me shitting my pants or liking you?" Kissing, running, dying - none of those activities would stop you from delivering a professional smart-ass retort in the most intense of moments. Levi, contrary to your expectations, regarded it seriously instead of scolding you for having blurted it out at all, and as his fingers came to rest at the nape of your neck when his knee settled inbetween your legs on the couch, you felt inward gratitude for having said it.

"Liking me." He breathed out against your lips, dark ashen hues making your heart feel like you were in the process of running your hundredth lap of the training grounds just beyond the window to your left. You could spend a decade describing how marvellously in awe you felt being vouchsafed the sight of Levi's beautiful eyes from up close, not to mention clouded with something you liked to think of as lust - lust because of you (his eighteen-year-old cadet who he adored calling a brat) - but you didn't have time for that; his order had called forth the butterflies in your stomach and with them the feeling that had caused their existence altogether.

"I like you." The whisper was weak but distinct, and Levi - no longer eager to receive further vocal clarification - decided the best course of action in this scenario would be to kiss you again but not because it was rational and logical - no, it was because he couldn't get enough of it and he feared this would be his only time tasting it. Your hands moved to his back as his lips pressed against yours with need, body towering over your giddy form.

"A few more expeditions." He huffed once having parted from you, barely lifting his heavy eyelids to look at your reaction. You snorted weakly and cupped the side of his face with the words 'or a lot' before pulling him down for another kiss he had no intention to reject. Levi wasn't set on arguing on that topic ever again - if anything he'd be happy to just lose and watch you laugh at him once some more months had passed. His top priority right now, however, was to just keep that sweet smiling mouth of yours pressed against his, preferably with your soft hands cupping his face in the meantime. And as irony would have it, he was too preoccupied tending to you and his own need to have you close to remember the report he'd been writing at the beginning of this situation - the report he got publicly reprimanded for not having turned in on time the next morning.

The strong odour of disinfectant lingered in the air as the groans of men in pain hung from the depressing white ceiling like a new layer of paint nobody could ever wash off. You stared into Levi's eyes, red and puffy because of the sleepless night he'd spent next to you, constantly holding your hand. Neither of you enjoyed this new location for a romantic date but it wasn't a location you'd deliberately picked yourselves, nor was the currently happening a date of any kind, much less romantic. Your other options of placement were in limited supply, which also meant they were out of supply altogether because you were still here.

"You're totally free to rub it in my face." You started slowly in that usual mocking tone of yours, eyes pinned to the white ceiling as the pillow under your head made your neck feel worse rather than better. Levi cocked a questioning eyebrow at your blunt announcement but you needn't look at him to know it had happened. "My humour level dropping after a few more expeditions." You explained with a wry smile that made his grip on your cold fingers tighten.

"There's some more to go." He objected coldly and you imagined him sitting in his office, writing the usual report and saying that when you finally gave up and let him win the argument. He wouldn't even look at you as he would say it because he'd mean it more than you could ever imagine and a response of any other kind would be too foreign for his mouth to speak. In that reality - that office with you on the couch, gazing at his profile with a soft smile - there would truly be some more expeditions to come before your humour level decreased. But here it wasn't like that. In this cold white room with no privacy provided whatsoever where he cared not he was supposed to be your emotionless unbiased superior, there would be no more expeditions for you.

"Suddenly you're the one trying to be a joker. Remember, it's a coping mechanism, not a genuine response." You laughed weakly but not even the sight of your dimples could make the stoic man's face soften; he was angry and frustrated and he was so tired but he wouldn't even let himself blink if it meant letting you out of his sight for a millisecond.

"It's not a coping mechanism." He reprimanded quietly, in the cold voice you loved hearing so much. It made you smirk, and a snort fought its way out of your system but the laughter did not follow this time. You were too tired for laughter. Your fingers reciprocated his hold the best they could before you locked gazes with his ashen hues, rimmed with red and brimming with a feeling so close to hopelessness you felt pity bubble at the back of your throat at the sight of it.

"I'm rubbing off on you then." You wanted to caress his face and tell him everything was going to be alright. You'd get out of this stinky depressing infirmary and you'd go back to his office for a cup of tea so he could write a report to Erwin which you'd make sure to distract him from. You'd go to sleep in his bed and you'd ask him countless questions about your performance during the expedition. You'd discuss it for hours on end until you grew tired and decided sleep had become a very attractive word, not to mention activity. Then you'd wrap yourself around his body like ivy and wish him good night, only to feel him place a kiss on the top of your head before you drifted off.

"Your birthday's in two weeks, save the bragging for then." The ebony-haired Corporal tore the sweet fantasy from your hold with his words and you could feel the reassuring warmth oozing from his hand seep into your pores like a much-needed anaesthetic. Your lower half was numb and you could hardly breathe properly - it was a miracle you'd come this far but Levi kept persisting and persisting, he kept screaming at the nurses and refusing to let go of your hand as he strayed from his duties, he kept cursing and putting that free hand of his over his eyes - maybe because he was tired or maybe because he didn't want you to see them fill with tears.

"I would've loved to introduce you to the tombstones. You should go meet them, I promise they don't bite." You looked up again, hearing yet another pained groan from the bed beside yours. The man with the missing leg from the front of the formation whose name you couldn't recall, and at the back of the spacious room on the bed in the very corner lay Malik, unable to save Elle during the expedition and having lost his arm as a result. Your eyebrows furrowed as you tried not to think of it - her shrill scream as her head got bitten off, but it was the sight that had paralysed your whole squad at the time.

"They're fucking stones, of course, they don't bite." Levi spat caustically, unafraid of who would hear him curse at the inanimate objects. You sighed, smile clinging to your dry lips ever so obstinately as you looked at him and his frown, his tired eyes and slouched posture, his pleading gaze and pouty lips. Even in such a situation, the hormonal part of your teenage self hadn't left you and you considered him ravishing but in a sad puppy kind of way where you wanted nothing more than to cradle him in your arms and keep him there until he got to rest some.

"Then go meet them. I have a letter in my room for them. You should read it, too." You explained slowly in a hushed voice, so weak Levi might've missed it had he been standing further away. He could see you start to drift off into the slumber you craved so desperately these past few hours, but he didn't want to let you sleep - not yet.

"You'll be giving it to them yourself, you lazy brat." The ebony-haired superior rose from the chair he'd sat on for the past eighteen hours, aiding to your every need and persistently glaring down everybody who dared suggest he parted from your side. Maybe it had become obvious to them what your relationship with Humanity's Strongest Soldier was, maybe it hadn't - it was too insignificant a thing to ponder right now. He was yet to let go of you and you could only look at him pleadingly as your fingers gave his strong hand a light squeeze.

"Say it." You commanded, smiling so smugly that it almost made his heart crack in the middle. "The part about liking me back." You intertwined your fingers with his and it broke him to think he hadn't managed to do what he considered a priority above all - the priority of keeping you safe and unharmed, and smiling at him like you had that first time in his office. Levi, in his role of the man who loved you against all odds, stereotypes and rules, leaned down and placed a soft kiss to your smiling lips, so light you might've not sensed it.

"... I like you. I like you a lot." He whispered hoarsely before standing straight again and looking into your eyes. So bright and so beautiful - so couldn't he keep them with him? "So you're not leaving me and I'm not meeting the tombstones in the fucking graveyard alone." He commanded coldly, making you chuckle, to which your lungs wheezed painfully and your fingers relaxed in his hold to the point they felt limp. You smiled at him softly, so softly it would've made him lose his cool had you two been given privacy.

"Such a joker. Keep that dry humour for me, will you?" The words came out calm and small, a joking sentence just below a whisper in a room full of pained moans. Levi watched your eyelids fall closed as your hand went limp in his hold. He steadily observed the heaving of your chest for a few moments as it grew smaller with each breath you took until it wasn't there at all. A gulp getting stuck at the back of his dry throat, he placed his free hand over his eyes and fell to his knees, still clutching your cold fingers with his own. He was bruising your hand but he couldn't let go, if he held on tight enough maybe you'd wake up. Tears were absent in his eyes but he could feel his chest constrict to the point it hurt him physically, and he too, like the many patients in the infirmary, gave out a cry that held just as much pain as theirs despite the absence of its sound.

"This year I'll try to be quick. I'm turning nineteen, which means even last year I was old enough to get married, without your permission, too. Not that you wouldn't give it. I'm sure Levi won't bring it up himself - if he even thinks about it at all - so I'll wait some more but just imagine: me in a white dress and him in a black tuxedo. Dad, I would bet you'd cry. Mom, I'd bet you'd want to hand down your old dress to me.

And Levi, I bet you'll be wearing your cravat even then. I don't mind. You look great in it. I'm not sure about the future but I'm happy right now so I really need to stress that. I think I love Levi and I don't need to ask you if it's true or not - I really do love him. To the moon and back, even if that's just the teenager in me.

You might ask then, if I'm so happy and everything is going so well, why am I writing a letter at all? I have to be honest, I wrote one beforehand each year and I never needed to give anybody instructions to put it on your graves. So this is just a precaution. But in case it becomes reality and reaches you, I can finally admit I've lost. Levi won that little unofficial bet of ours - from the first talk I had with him. My humour level has dropped at last.

It, in the case of my death, will have taken nine expeditions for a total of four years but it will have happened. I'd love to make fun of the fact he would probably regret it now but I don't want him to be sad and I don't want to jinx anything, even though I make sure to admit loss in each letter of precaution.

Now here comes the precaution part: the last thing I want for him is to hurt though I'm aware that's a bit impossible. I'm really sorry for not making it and I'm really sorry for not being able to grace him with one last joke.

I hope I died smiling because he wouldn't be able to rest otherwise. He's always so worried and I hate looking at him when he's tired and sick of caring too much. I'm really scared of dying and I don't want to die. It wasn't always like that. I was scared of dying because it would hurt, at the beginning at least. Then, well, you could say I fell in love. So I don't want to die, ever.

I want to stay with Levi longer, as long as it takes for us to put on those fancy clothes and kiss at that altar. As long as it takes for us to win and go live somewhere in peace, somewhere I'll be able to joke all day long and he'll keep denying I'm funny. As long as it takes for him to say 'I love you' out loud. Everything would be a bit better then. Not alright because it never is, but better, I'm sure of that.

So let's say worse comes to worst. My romantic dreams won't be coming true now. But that's okay too, as long as he doesn't hurt too much, moves on, perseveres and finds another love or simply survives for as long as he needs to rest properly and live calmly.

So, Levi, this part is for you: please don't hurt too much and don't overthink what could've been. Drink tea and write reports and don't think of me too much. It's my mistake, my fault, I have to admit that. You shouldn't save me and you shouldn't blame yourself for not saving me when I'm in the army and am supposed to save myself. This could've been avoided. Maybe if I hadn't talked to you or confessed, I can't decide which would've dealt less damage.

Truth is, I don't want to avoid it. I'm glad for each moment going the way it did. My last ones were probably good too, if you were with me. I think my final joke is a bit too cruel for you and surely not making you laugh but you should admit it was well-placed and ironic - just the way I like it."

#levi x reader #levi ackerman x reader #levi ackerman imagine #levi ackerman fanfiction #canon stuff kinda hurt sometimes ngl #not original and also i go back to my hardcore lana del rey phase sometimes so don't judge the motives #either way... angst without a happy ending i guess #also strangers to lovers #i feel deeply for the reader because it's basically venting my own hormonal stuff or how they were because... i wrote this 2? years ago?#ye we all thirsty but is fine in dreamland we can have our man #enjoy?

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