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morizoras-cave · 4 years

Text

Gamer

Finn Wolfhard x f!celebrity!reader

Genre: fluff

Description: A headcanon of how you and Finn go from gamer friends to romantic gamer friends.

Warnings: cheese, language

(A/N): I dont know if this is great??? but im having friends over in like 2 seconds, so im pulling this thing out of my drafts, because otherwise i will not be able to post today! this has to be better nothing.. right??? hsgshsgs

You were also an actor

Although you were never part of the Stranger Things or IT universe

And despite what people thought, not all actors and actresses that shared your young age spoke together

So you and Finn didn’t even talk for a long time

You only even contacted him because you found out from Twitter that you and him coincidentally were fans of a lot of the same things

(Fun fact: Finn knew this for a long time, but he was too shy to reach out to you)

You slid into his DMs and were like “I heard you like this game?”

And from then you two started talking and playing games together.

You, Finn, and Gaten had a little squad where you’d play games together

It could be anything from PUBG to Uno Online.

At one point you all had a charity livestream together than went on for 24 hours

You were hysterical

You drank like ten energy drinks

“YOU NEED TO PLOW THE FIELD, FOR FUCK’S SAKE” - You, in the midst of playing Farming Simulator 2019 18 hours into the stream

“EAT A GIANT PILE OF SHUT THE FUCK UP” - Also you, in the midst of playing Uno 23 hours into the stream

Needless to say it would be hard to convince you to do a stream like that again

But you did raise a lot of money for good :)

At some point you flew over and had a sleepover with Finn

Gaten was supposed to come but he got sick :(

So it was just you and Finn

And since you’d never actually met in person it was a tiny bit awkward at first

But very naturally you got comfortable with each other, just cuddling on the couch whilst watching a movie

After that sleepover (you had to leave the next day) you realized you had a crush on him

A huge one

And you were like “oh no, oh fuck, oh no”

Because you were CERTAIN he didn’t like you back

Meanwhile Finn:

“Y/n smells nice”

“Y/n looks nice”

“I want to hug Y/n”

“I want to cuddle, where is Y/n?”

This boy was wHIPPEd

And so were you, to be honest

But you both just kept talking like you usually did

Except now whenever Finn mentioned you in the slightest you’d feel heat on your cheeks

Thank god it was online, huh?

WRONG

After a couple more months of mutual attraction, yet no moves being made because y’all are both too shy and unsure of yourselves

You both had to go to Comic-Con

Him with Stranger Things

You with Marvel

You were stoked to talk to Gaten again and also meet a couple of their cast friends

But Finn

Oh man, oh man

You were SHAKInG

You were AVOIDING HIS EYES

And what’s worse is that you’d planned to sleep over at his hotel room and game all night with Gaten

When you did start your little LAN party, you tried to just focus on the game

and it mostly worked

But then Gaten passed out at around 3 AM (it wasnt his fault, you and finn hogged all the energy drinks and besides you were playing an embarrassingly boring game)

You and Finn decided to peace out too

You were in the bathroom brushing your hair, when Finn knocked on the door

“Come in!”

He walked in, looking more flustered than usual. Your brows furrowed in confusion.

“I, uh, there’s something I’ve been meaning to talk to you about.”

Now, you’re a fucking idiot, so your first thought was: Oh my god, has he figured out that I like him and hates me for it?

Thankfully, you were wrong

“I-I hope this doesn’t make this weird between us, but.. I really like you.. And I was wondering if you wanted to go on a date or something?”

You were stunned. You could cry.

It took every ounce of self control to not just jump on him in a kiss right then and there

“I’d like that” you said. At your words, Finn’s eyes snapped up to meet yours. He was grinning and so were you.

There was a moment where none of you seemed to know what to do, but then you stepped closer to him

He gulped, getting the message

Then, he leaned in slowly, eyes staring intently into yours

They fluttered closed and he kissed you, gently, hand on your cheek

He had not yet brushed his teeth so you could taste the bitter energy drink taste on his lips

But the moment was perfect

And you evolved from gamer friend to gamer friend that played Playstation in his lap and who kissed him a lot (Gaten was grossed out)

But somehow it was exactly as it should be

And you loved every moment of it :)

___________________________

Tag List:

@hera-the-writer @marvel-madness @40srogcrs @whatthefuckimbisexual @snarky–starky @garbage-potato @lozzypoz321 @rororo06 @shady80smusicsingercolor @ireadfanficforfun @deephideoutmilkshake @rae-is-typing @sophs-library @herecomesthewriterwitch @alicedanganh @eviemarvel @idk123906

#finn wolfhard x reader #finn wolfhard #finn wolfhard fluff #richie x reader #richie tozier x reader #it cast x reader #it x reader #stranger things x reader #stranger things cast x reader

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papers4me · 3 years

Note

Hi, I have always read your furuba reviews and I'm very curious about which are your favorite characters and why?

HI!

Thank you for reading my posts<3. I know I've been slow lately, but I'm not in a right emotional place right now, but I'll be back to posting soon. Actually talking abt furuba & story-telling here in tumblr is such a peaceful outlet that I'm thankful for.

While I love 97% of furuba characters, my faves kept changing while I watched the anime. I decided to have 5 top characters as faves & number one kept changing as the anime progressed.

Since I'm all abt story-telling, I think I need to separate the anime from the manga cuz no way in the anime that tohru would be on my top 5, heck not even top 10! I really don't like how her character was reduced to yuki's mommy-tohru, then angel-tohru, then villain-fixer tohru. The real individual tohru with her own personal story is just two eps long, so meh~. Also, while yuki is in my top 5 in the anime, I don't like how he's too perfect & prince in the anime while his own theme is the imperfect non-prince. Kyo's, too in my top 5 but I dont like how his own story is intentionally messed up by the anime with the stupid "I forgot" that contradicts the anime's own canon plot...

So, I'll tell you my top 5 fave character in the manga so fat with no particular order.

Tohru, while I'm yet to uncover her own plot in the manga, so far she has way more character exploration & depth!! She really feels like a different character from the anime! I'm shocked! The facial expressions, the occasional doubtful self-talk, even the "fake-smile"mask she puts is so expressive. She is treated as a character with a personal plot , regardless of being the protagonist. Her own plot is not reliant on being yuki's mommy, or the sohma's shrink, or a fixer. Her own plot line is abt grief & being lonely. It's the most common struggle that we all share regardless of our gender, race, financial status. Death is the ultimate fact & we'll face loosing a loved one & feeling lonely is not related to social skills nor being loved. I'll forever hate the anime for passing on such unique universal theme in favor of emphasizing the most popular shonen-themed coming of age story ( a boy becoming a man) "yuki" or the over-exaggerated drama in "kyo's". Like I dont want them to pass any of the 3 characters plotlines, but the anime made a choice & forever cemented anime tohru as the most "fixer"character in anime history like 98765678 of other female protagonists.

Yuki has way more character & realness in the manga. He doesnt come off as narrator-y as he does in the anime simply cuz the anime only chose the parts where yuki narrates as a voice-over & told us how to feel & dropped all the parts where he's interacting & actually talking to other characters not just the audience. His own personal story is abt "observing, learning & having the guts to make a move & embracing his own imperfection". I love this! Anime yuki is not imperfect. no. he's the icon of perfect prince, he even initiates a set of fanclub girls into the world that they float! He's so perfect, he "heals" a girl simply by talking to her once. That's all it takes him to fall in love & find his soulmate. While in the manga, I'm starting to see yuki display signs of "kind jerk" in the making, that's refreshing!

I admit that I didn't include kyo into my top 5 until se02. Don't get me wrong, he's so endearing since ep1, but didnt seem to be complex nor refreshing as the others. but se02, ep 9 was the first glimpse into his own character depth & I got hooked! I'm so in love with the theme of "repeated mistakes & guilt". it's such a mature theme & speaks to a much wider audience. The more we repeat the same mistakes, the more we self-sabotage our lives. Also, I love the love isn't a magic healing element in his story. He's the most loved character by tohru, yet her love only hurt him more due to his guilt. Moreover, the romantic element itself wasnt a cliche "love at 1st sight, nor lovers since childhood, nor girl fixes a guy, nor guy protects the girl from danger". Not at all. It was "love blooming subtly, little by little by mundane daily life". I cant express how much I applaud Takaya-san for such complex writing. In the anime, kyo only comes when it's his ep, other than that, he's absent or characterless. I hated that. So far in the manga, kyo has an existence even in other plotlines & has different aspects of his character. Also, I'm shocked at how much inner dialogue he has! like no too much that it involves other character nor too little that you dont understand him. It's just the right amount.

Momiji. He's the most balanced character. He isnt fixed by tohru, but isnt perfectly fine either. He's the definition of the right amount of kindness. He doesn sell himself to make other happy like tohru or kureno, nor puts himself in danger to save others like haru. He does help others but also helps himself. He helped his mom forget him cuz honestly that wasnt even his choice. it's the dad's. He participated willingly tho in avoiding her, but he didnt dwell in self pity & locked himself emotionally. He let go of loving tohru & encouraged kyo, but while he genuinely loved kyo, he didnt just back off cuz he's kind & a sacrificial angel. He stood like a man & challenged kyo for tohru's heart, but let go when he realized the choice is tohru's. not them. They can love her aromatically, but she's the one who decides who to be with. I love the theme of "not competing for love". it's not a competition really. never was. Still, as love sick & heart-broken as he was, momiji didnt dwell in self-pity & after allowing himself to heal, he bounced back & smiled. Momiji is no foolish traveler.

The spot is reserved to a certain character that I want the manga to prove their worth. I dont want them to be as shallow as the anime made them to be. I want to see depth. I dont know if the manga writes them better, but once I finish the manga, I'll know.

I wanted to add shigure but no. Despite all the complexity & the unique roles he has & despite how much I love characters with big giant flaws & ugly characteristics, shigre fell from my top 5 long ago. Look, this seems petty but I can't get over the fact that he slept with akito's mom. ewwwww. It makes me wanna puke! so disgusting. yuck yuck yuck! I dont mind that he "cheated"or wanted to "hurt akito by sleeping with ANOTHER woman". As a matter of fact, such acts create drama, ugly feelings & emotional struggle. I love such things in fiction. but he did it with the mother. He actually laid with both mom & daughter in his life. ewwwwww! This level of eww is so revolting to me! Some ppl are disgusted by bugs & worms that they want to puke, me.. when ppl sleep with both parent/off spring, or both siblings. Yuck! & it's even more yuck that it didnt stop their "love" from being real/ happy/ perfect/ passionate! & that it worked in making akito "want him more & be a "woman" for him"... ew!

lol, so yeah~here's my super long answer to ur super short qs. but I dont be "papers"if I didnt write till my fingers hurt, now would I? XD. I enjoyed ur question so much! thanks<3.

Anon, Don't get offended ny my shigure-rant! XD. its petty, I know. if u read this, tell me who's ur fave?

#fruits basket #anime only #manga reviwes #asks #responding paper #anonymous friends

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hey-hamlet · 4 years

Text

BNHA FIC PROMPTS

A collection of all of the fic ideas from that ask game, as of now. I’ll throw in new ones if i get any and when I remember. Feel free to use any of them, I’d love a link if you did!

with hands to the sky, I beg (what will save us?)

Izuku is a god who asks to be reborn as a human to try and help. He is warned he can’t return to being a god and will join the mortal realm, ever reincarnated. He agrees.

Izuku is a child with faint memories of a life he never lived, who knows too much about the world but not enough about the people around him. He’s not listed as having a quirk but he’s never gotten sick, never been hurt. He scares the other children and the adults don’t like his precocious nature. Inko loves her little miracle.

My Soul is Like a Supernova

Things happen around Izuku. Always have. Everything from earthquakes and villain attacks to miraculous healing and lottery wins. He’s always attracted big events like this - as if even the universe can see how important he is and it warps itself around him.

He sees this as perfectly normal. 1A is begining to notice a stressful pattern.

This one regret of mine

Character study of Inko and how she deeply regrets so many things she’s done in her life, from her husband, to giving up on her carrier, to telling Izuku he couldn’t be a hero and then letting him keep going to UA.

But no matter what she’d never regret her son.

Of souls and lost causes

A good ol’ Izuku sees dead people AU, focused more on his younger years when he’d wander around the city helping as many spirits as he could, only to return home at the end of the day exhausted and dirty to an increasingly worried mother who believed the doctor when he said seeing ghosts as a quirk would be impossible.

my life.your choice

Underground heroics AU (i dont think ive ever posted that au huh): Izuku is the well-known son of japan’s immortal emperor, All for One. Born quirkless, he’s been emotionally abused but violently protected his whole life by his father, his mother killed before his eyes for trying to take him away. He’s never been able to make a choice for himself save for his bodyguard - his childhood friend, Bakugo Katsuki.

Katsuki made a pledge to protect him when they were in kindergarten and he’ll be damned if he breaks it now. And if it takes the two of them joining the resistance, meeting a vigilante by the name of All Might thought long dead and Izuku receiving a near-mythical quirk? Well, that just makes it more exciting, doesn’t it?

I forgot that you existed

Izuku gets hit with a quirk that not only makes people forget him, it prevents them from seeing him as well - all but erasing him from reality for everyone he knows. He can still interact with things but all it manages to do is just UA shut down under fear of villain infiltration. They find Izuku 18 hours later when the quirk wears off - a motion tracking gun trained on his forehead.

certain uncertainties

No one can predict the quirks trapped in One for All or when they’ll show up. Anthology fic of Izuku discovering each of them, some being rather helpful, and at least one piece of merch being sent into a low orbit.

Sometimes goodbye is a second chance

Set in the same universe I wrote console reset in; during the two heroes movie: they never defeat Nine and he slaughters the whole island and his class, leaving Izuku till last. He comes back at the start of their first day on the island and doggedly makes friends with every islander he can because while it hurt seeming them die, it hurt even more knowing he’d never even learnt most of their names.

They win this time the first time they meet him, even if it’s a marathon fight of 8 hours with him and Bakugo doggedly wearing him down. No one dies. Izuku thinks it’s worth dying as many times as he has to to keep the people he loves smiling.

The immortality of the heroic spirit

One of the quirks in One for All is determination: if you have something you desperately want to do, you can’t die - no matter how much blood you lose or home many pieces your body is crushed into - you’ll just heal back to where you were before you died. All Might and Aizawa find this out to horrifying effect during a brutal villain fight they are stuck watching on the news with the rest of a terrified UA.

In hindsight this makes a lot of sense to Izuku. Aizawa wants to scream. All Might has coughed up more blood than is probably healthy and all of 1A bruised hands from where they were clutching each other’s when it got too tense.

Shine on you invincible legacy

Izuku becomes a top 10 hero before hes even out of high school, hitting No.2 the second he graduates and taking No.1 from Hawks literally the next time the ranking is counted. 1A will not stop throwing him parties each time he moves up in the ranking, even if in 3rd year it was every other week. All Might comes to ever one of them.

Shake the Dirt from Your Shoes

Izuku will be a hero and no one will stop him - an AU a fair bit like the beginning of canon except Izuku fights back, remains unending optimistic and maybe engages in a light bit of technically legal vigilantism, accidentally befriending a vast array of heroes and a student or two.

To his horror, they recognise him out of costume as soon as he speaks to them, resulting in a very eventful first day at UA.

do you feel with a heart of steel

Original Sin AU, young Izuku finding feeling emotions difficult and not knowing why. He finds a dying animal on the way home and sits with it, patting it until it passes away. He doesn’t think he feels anything, but his cheeks feel wet.

all you want is milk and honey

Villains have been trying to use Izuku his entire life, much to his annoyance and confusion (I wonder who in his family might make him known to villains? hm). He’s gotten very good at being intimidating, even as a child.

When he gets kidnapped with Bakugo on a primary school field trip he decides to hell with it and breaks out all the stops. Turns out villains don’t tend to want a 10-year-old who can describe in great detail how they would hang you with your own intestines.

Bakugo decides that fuck Izuku being quirkless, he’s kind of amazing.

Even the stars

Izuku dies young and no one but the stars cry for him. They bring him back, but his body is cold and he has a nova burning where his heart should be. A four-year-old who has known death and walked among the stars is a terrifying thing. His skin has a shimmer to it, his eyes look like planets with no visible pupil, and he knows far too much.

The stars still speak to him, and they see everything.

bitter dreams and optimistic nightmares

Bakugo and Izuku grow up good friends, until Izuku is taken by villains age 9.

Bakugo’s determined to be a hero to save Izuku, even if it hurts to be at UA without him.

Izuku hates hurting people but he’s determined to make the most of his horrible situation by leaking information to heroes whenever he can. He’s given to All for One to serve as a lab hand to the doctor when All for One finds out this rag tag outpost of his had been hiding a valuable resource.

They meet at the USJ.

Mind Games for Two Shinsou and Izuku are both gen ed students in the same class, but with Shinsou stubbornly refusing to make friends and Izuku being the vice president they are almost strangers. UA has a no quirkless students policy and Shinsou has accidentally discovered that he student in his class with an analysis quirk, doesn’t, actually, have one. Izuku is aware Shinsou knows. They both want to get into the hero course but are under the impression there is only one spot.

It’s tense.

The Melody Stuck in My Soul

Izuku has an empathy/emotional control quirk that hears other’s emotions like music. He uses this both to read people, to defend himself, and, because hes Izuku, to ramp up his adrenaline/motivation/anger to kick ass. He and Bakugo are friends because baby Bakugo was lowkey impressed Izuku managed to weaponize his tears.

Advantage of the musical element: it gives him something concrete to latch on to and change, and it was very easy to work out which emotions were which. Also he has his own theme song, even if he’s the only one who can hear it.

Disadvantage: He cant turn it off. The stronger the emotion the ‘louder’ the music (it doesn’t cover up natural sounds because its not technically there, you get me?)

Error 404, childhood not found

A Hero’s Son AU, snapshot’s of Izuku’s childhood with No.1 Hero All for One as his abusive father.

Age 4 when his quirk never comes in and All for One abandons all pretences of loving him. Age 6 when he realises his son is intelligent and has a use as a lab assistant for the doctor. Age 8 when Bakugo first realises something is wrong. Age 9 when his father is almost killed by the No.1 villain All Might. Age 9 when he’s made to work in the labs with the doctor.

Age 14 when he meets All Might. Age 15 when he makes it into UA.

Darkness Growing (The Light Ever Smaller)

Villains take over Japan after the current arc, leaving all heroes and students that don’t switch sides on the run. 1A is instantly separated with a few of them being killed, most of the living students with Aizawa and Izuku and Bakugo by themselves, both too stubborn to leave the other.

Aizawa is desperately trying to get to Izuku and Bakugo in an attempt to keep them safe, while the two of them are avoiding Aizawa to keep the rest of their class safe(er), all while avoiding the villains, turncoat heroes and police out to get them. Public support is spotty at best with anyone found ‘harboring a criminal’ given the same punishment as the hero.

Lost soul of last hope

The first wielder has been Izuku’s imaginary friend since he can remember. He’s not very imaginary.

Featuring Izuku with the world’s strangest older brother, Inko coming to the realisation her son can see a ghost, but only one ghost and no one will believe them, Izuku’s quirk being listed as Inko’s because the first wielder can help him fake it, and Izuku wondering why first looks so much like that picture of his father on his mother’s bedside table.

The kids the system failed

100% The 1A run aways au with 1A, Aizawa and Mic being runaways kids of various ages that band together to stay alive and maybe do a little vigilante work on the side.

Izuku has All for One and uses it like you’d expect a traumatised kid to - cautiously at first but when he gets the hang of it there are suddenly no more criminals with quirks in their area, and it looks suspiciously like Uraraka can fly.

Just a second to soon? For the Fic thing?

Aizawa struggles and gets knocked out just before Shigaraki lunges at Tsuyu. She and Izuku are left horribly injured by his quirk with massive facial scarring, and in Tsuyu’s case, the loss of an eye.

Daze

An illusion/fear quirk makes his teachers look like villains and convinces him he’s in danger. They try and stop him without hurting him but it’s difficult considering Izuku is convinced he’s protecting his friends, considering he can only see them broken and bloodied with villains he thought were locked away loaming over them.

Even as Aizawa cuts out his quirk Izuku still tries to shield his friends, snarling ferally.

Morning Glories and Forget-me-nots

A memory quirk of unknown duration hits Izuku, leaving him remembering none of his life. 1A starts to fall apart without one of their pillar’s.

hopeless but not broken

The Long Con au where Izuku asks All Might if he could be a hero without a quirk - he’s really asking if he can stop pretending to be a villain, if he’s worth anything without the quirks he’s been given, if he’s worth something as himself rather than the limited use he can provide. He doesn’t know how to say all of that, so he just asks if he could be a hero.

All Might says no. And Izuku basically decides right then that the only way he’ll ever be able to help people is by being a mole for the heroes like he’s been since he was 10 - that he isn’t worth anything because he’s quirkless and to be considered just as valuable as the people around him are he needs to give his life and more.

He shows up to the bar crying because of All Might and Shigaraki moves his murder plot forward a few months.

Sunflowers and Summer Gardens

All Might starts a garden on campus and 1A like to help. He uses it as a nice place to chill and as physical therapy. He likes to give the different classes bunches of flowers when they sprout.

For Dos and For Donts

Izuku runs into some of his old bullies when out with some of his friends. Uraraka, Iida, Todoroki, Shinsou and Asui intimidate the fuck out of them, and Izuku realises hes not scared of them any more. Then they get frozen yoghurt!

your mistakes, my unbecoming

Aizawa assigns a project on quirk related issues, Izuku ends up with quirkless discrimination, Aizawa assumes his discomfort is just him being upset he doesn’t get to talk about quirks. He doesn’t realise his mistake until he finds Izuku dissociating on the roof.

one and one into the vast

Original Sin AU, All for One and Izuku seeing the vestiges together. One for All sees his brother for the first time and Izuku learns a lot about the voice in his head.

All for One has a mini-crisis about his not son learning he’s a horrific villain, especially considering he has the power to cast his soul out at any time, killing him at will. Izuku doesn’t kill him. He admits its probably not right of him to let AfO remain considering the things he’s done, but All for One is a part of him now and it would be like killing a friend.

All for One quietly decides to hold off on the villainy until all of 1A is dead, for Izuku’s sake.

between the stars of our souls

Izuku and All Might are old gods who keep getting reborn into human forms with their memories regained when they turn 4. Normally finding each other takes a while, and their last reincarnation they never found each other, so this time he resolves to make himself as easy to find as possible, all while saving as many people as he can.

Izuku, aged 4, memories fresh in his head, makes it his mission to get into contact with the man he knows is his father/mentor’s reincarnation. All Might’s agency was not expecting a 4 year old to repeatedly try breaking in to their office, and they especially weren’t expecting him to be so good at it.

you really should have thought this through

Different (and ill-advised) attempts at special moves or team up combo moves. Featuring:

Izuku managing to break Kirishima’s nose.

Uraraka sending Bakugo so high he broke the sound barrier coming back down to earth.

Kaminari and Shouto managing to electrify ice.

Izuku, Todoroki and Bakugo levelling a whole suburb (at least it was condemned???)

I'll Break Anything You Give Me

Different times Izuku desperately tried to repair his relationship with Izuku over the years and the one time Bakugo fully grasps how much he fucked up and reaches out his hand to try to fix it for the first time. Probably includes a lot of screaming, Bakugo learning how to say sorry, a field trip and them having a conversation on Aldera’s roof.

Sinking

One for All kind of possesses Izuku during a quiet night at the dorms. One for All, made of 8 people, 7 of which are dead and had their last experiences in life be rather painful and violent, breaks down, Izuku alone not enough to drown them out. They lash out at anyone who tries to touch them, their quirks tearing Izuku’s body apart.

All Might’s vestige reaches out a hand to Izuku to keep his mind from being torn apart as 1A set about both trying to protect Izuku and get Aizawa who was off campus on patrol.

Feat. Bakugo and All Might being the only people with any idea about what’s going on and getting more and more stressed each second that passes. Iida, Uraraka and Todoroki being good heroes and even better friends. Blood King deciding he’s never watching 1A for Aizawa again, and Aizawa deciding he’s never leaving 1A alone ever again.

A Long Way From Home

Shirakumo wakes up in Kurogiri’s body in Tartarus with only shadowed memories of his time as a villain. He’s scared and alone and he just wants to see his friends again, even if he’s scared they hate him because at least that’s something he knows.

Too Far Gone

The other side AU, it comes out Izuku is a villain with (knockoff) All for One and he has a showdown with Mirio. He and Izuku trained together under All Might and Mirio tries to plead with him but Izuku has to basically tell him to go to hell to not ruin his placet as crown prince of the underworld.

Of course, he’s not only doing this to save people, he’s also doing it with All Might’s blessing - taking over from All Might himself serving as a villain after he killed All for One to prevent a power vacuum.

Doesn’t mean that his friends in 1A know that.

Snowy hills and sunlit peaks

Probably an AU about All Might being a mountain spirit with a little shrine that Izuku is the only one who visits - Izuku gets in trouble and All Might manifests himself, saves him, and tells everyone to keep their hands off his human son.

Wilting

Izuku gets sick and he tries to hide it because he’s scared its something serious but he just gets worse and worse. His friends are the ones who eventually step in and comfort him.

I’d probably write two endings with one being a bad end and the other a good end.

My wish came true without me realising

Izuku wakes up one morning, comes downstairs and just starts crying. Everyone panics and he reassures them they are happy tears and that he's just glad to be here. They all call him sappy and give him a hug. Later in the day he and Bakugo chat and Izuku reveals he never even expected to live this long, let alone become a hero. Bakugo grumbles that he’s too stubborn to die, and not to get too cocky. Izuku promises he wont.

#38 of them damn #bnha prompts #mha prompts #prompt list #bnha #mha #bnha au #boku no hero #my hero academia #hero aca

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summahsunlight · 4 years

Text

We Belong to the Stars, CH.30

Rating: Mature (18+ only)

Pairings: Poe/Skywalker!OC

Characters: Poe Dameron, Leia Organa, BB-8, Kaleb Skywalker (OC), Evelyn Skywalker (OC), Karé Kun, Iolo Arana, Snap Wexley, Jessika Pava, BB-8

Taglist: @ms-dont-care, @liadamerondjarin

Final chapter! Like reading this? Please feel free to leave a comment on the post, in an ask, or even a reblog. I LOVE TO HEAR FROM YOU❤️

Slipping into Terex's compound was easy--thanks to Oddy. However, now that they were on the inside, Poe felt incredibly anxious. If they were caught there was no doubt in Poe's mind that Terex would hold them for bounties or kill them. He didn't know about Kaleb, but he was quite ready to die yet--and he certainly did not want to be a prisoner of the First Order. They needed to find Evelyn and get out of here as quickly as possible.

Poe gripped his blaster. They had also talked about the possibility that this was a trap sprung to capture Kaleb as well and Poe would just be the collateral damage. The pilot was certain Kylo Ren would have no problem executing him. They had never actually gotten along well as children.

Kaleb sensed the unease in Poe; he had the same concerns. Silently he reached out and placed his hand on his friend's shoulder. He noticed that Poe took a deep breath, and whispered to BB-8 to lead the way, to the cell that Oddy said Terex was keeping Evelyn in.

BB-8 cautiously led the two men through the dark, dank corridors of Terex's compound; alerting them when his sensors picked up another lifeform in the presence so Poe and Kaleb had time to conceal themselves before being spotted. The members of Terex's gang didn't seem to care about a little astromech droid. He led them down a dank corridor and stopped outside a small door, informing Poe and Kaleb that this was the cell that Evelyn was being held in. "Go on, Bee," Poe whispered, glancing down the hallway. "Open it. We'll keep watch."

"If we say run--move that little droid body of yours as fast as you can," Kaleb instructed.

"And meet us back at the ship," Poe told BB-8. "Don't wait for us, Bee."

Chirping in reluctant agreement, BB-8 got to work on getting the cell door open. The locks clicked and the door slid open. Poe waited for the droid to roll out of his way before stepping inside. He was partially ready for her coming at him--after all she had no idea that the Resistance had sent anyone after her--but his reflexes kicked in and he grabbed her wrist before she could hurt him. "Evie, it's me!"

Evelyn stepped back, blinking and then she lunged for him again, this time wrapping her arms around his neck, hugging him tightly. Poe could feel her legs give out as he wrapped his arms around her, and he held steady against him. "It's okay," he whispered in her ear, "I've got you. We're gonna take you home."

Kaleb watched as his sister let go of Poe and now threw one arm around him, drawing him into an awkward three person hug. He didn't care; they had managed to get to her before their cousin and General Hux. "Poe, we gotta get going before we get caught."

"Yeah," Poe whispered, releasing both of them. "Evie can you walk?"

"I...I think so...they gave me something... I'm a little dizzy," Evelyn replied.

Poe wrapped one arm around her waist and instructed Kaleb and BB-8 to go a head of them. He'd drag Evelyn back to the Mirror Bright if he had too. It was evident that Evelyn had been given some kind of drug, probably to control her Force abilities--she was clumsy on her feet, which wasn't like her at all. She normally moved about with such grace that at times she could appear to be floating.

BB-8 stopped, alerting them that someone was approaching. Kaleb and Poe scrambled to hide, squeezing Evelyn between them in an alcove. All three of them held their breaths as Terex and several Stormtroopers walked by them. "Kriff," Poe cursed, as he realized Terex was heading for Evelyn's cell. "We don't have a lot of time."

Kaleb unclipped his lightsaber. "Well, fortunately for us, Terex didn't give me drugs to affect my force sensitivity."

"What are you going to do?" Evelyn snapped at her brother. "Use your lightsaber to slice their blasters in half while all of them are firing on us?"

"Those drugs have made you snakier."

"Deal with it."

"Children," Poe scolded. "Can we get moving? I really don't want to become a prisoner today."

BB-8 beeped in agreement and then led them onward. Poe was pretty that none of them breathed until they were well out of Terex's compound and making their way back through the city. Even though, they weren't quite out of the woods yet. Once Terex realized that Evelyn was gone, he'd have his gang out looking for them.

Halfway outside of the city Poe was starting to get suspicious that their escape had been way too easy when Evelyn stumbled, an almost soundless cry leaving her mouth. 'Evie? What's wrong?"

Evelyn squeezed her eyes shut, tightly. "It's Ren. He's here--he knows where I am."

Kaleb grabbed her by the arm. "Push him out Evelyn!"

"I can't... the drug..."

"Get her on her feet, Poe; we don't have a lot of time."

"Don't have a lot of time for what?"

"Ben is using Evie to find us."

Poe looked at the painful expression on Evelyn's face as he dragged her, along with Kaleb, towards their ship. "What are you talking about?"

Kaleb yanked on Evelyn's arm, lifting her over a jagged rock. "He's pushing into her mind--he can probably see everything she can see."

Evelyn struggled to keep up with the two men. She doing her best to keep her cousin from entering her mind, but the drug made it difficult. It had completely inhibited her from tapping into the power. Which is exactly what General Hux and Kylo Ren would have wanted when they brought her before Supreme Leader Snoke.

Somehow, Poe and Kaleb managed to get her back to the Mirror Bright. They didn't mean too, but they dropped her roughly on the floor on their way to the start the ship up. Evelyn closed her eyes tightly, reaching out the Force and attempting to fight back against Ren's invasion. Vaguely she could hear Poe and Kaleb shouting at one another as they tried to escape--she wasn't sure exactly what was going on, but she knew that her cousin had sent a squadron of TIE=fighters after them. Poe was attempting to get assistance from Black Squadron.

Come with me Evelyn and I'll let them go. I'll let them live.

Stay out of my head! I'm not going with you!

"Black Leader to base! We need some back-up!"

"Black Squadron is on their way, Commander."

They'll all die, Evelyn. If you stay with them, every single one of them will meet a quick death.

She tried to ignore him, fight back, push him out of her head--but with ever effort, Ren just fought back harder. Evelyn eventually couldn't handle it anymore and she succumbed to the pain, the intrusion, and blacked out of the cold durasteal floor of the Mirror Bright.

---------

At the age of six, Evelyn had caught some nasty virus on a trip with her parents to the capital. Upon their return home she had spent a duration of two weeks in bed with fever, aches, and chills. She could feel the fear her parents had--that she was so sick she was going to die--but one morning she woke up and the fever had broken. She didn't remember much, just flashes of images of her parents taking care of her, of the medics checking up on her.

It was much like how she was feeling now as her eyes slowly opened to reveal the medical bay on D'Qar.

Everything was quiet now--Poe and Kaleb weren't shouting, Ren wasn't forcing himself into her mind--all she could hear was the steady drone of medical monitors. Flexing her fingers, Evelyn took a deep breath, realizing that her memories of what happened on the Mirror Bright were quite fuzzy. Had she even been on the ship at all?

"Hey sleepyhead," Poe's voice interrupted her thoughts. She gazed up to see him step into her room. He brushed her hair back from her forehead and kissed her. "Feeling okay?"

"Been better--but I've also been worse," Evelyn answered, honestly. "What happened?"

Poe's eyes grew heavy, sad. "Black Squadron came to help us, but we wouldn't have gotten away if it weren't for Oddy. I tried to tell him not to do it, that the First Order would know he was the one that sabotaged the ship--but he didn't listen. We got confirmation about an hour ago--Hux had him executed."

Evelyn closed her eyes in an attempt to stop her tears. She felt Poe's fingers in her hair, his lips softly pressing kisses to her cheek. "It's my fault. If the First Order wasn't after me then Oddy never would have been blackmailed by Terex and none of this would have happened."

He sighed, sitting down on the bed. Reaching out, Poe put an arm around her. "This is not your fault."

She shook her head, violently. "But it is. If I wasn't so strong in the Force..."

"Don't you dare apologize for being you."

"But...Poe...if I..."

Poe took her face between his hands and look at her, intensely. "You are exactly who you were meant to be. Do you understand me? The First Order...they don't care about you as a person--they just want to exploit your talents. And they only want to do that because they know--you can destroy them."

Evelyn shook her head again, this time not with as much vigor. "You're wrong, Poe; I'm strong enough to destroy them. I couldn't even stop them five years ago--when they were murdering my friends, when they murdered my mother--nothing has changed. I won't be able to do it."

He pulled her tightly into his arms. "Not alone," Poe whispered in her ear. "But together--we can defeat them. It might just take time and patience."

She blinked her tears away and laughed, sadly. "I never thought I'd hear you talk about patience."

"First time for everything I suppose."

"Yes, I guess there is."

Leaning back ever so slightly, Poe lowered his lips to hers, kissing her tenderly. He had been so afraid he was going to lose her, especially when he had failed at keeping her safe. Resting his forehead against hers, Poe sighed. "Force, Evie, I thought I was going to lose you. I didn't think we'd make it in time. I've never been more afraid than I was when they took you."

Evelyn's thumbs ghosted over his cheeks. "I knew you would find me. I never doubted you for a second because you're so damn stubborn that you would have searched every corner of the galaxy for me--and never given up." She was silent for a moment, before she sighed, heavily. "It's only going to harder from here, isn't it?"

Poe took a deep breath, tightened his arms around her waist. "I'm afraid so, sweetheart."

"We need to find Master Tekka."

"We need to find your father."

She knew this; this had been the only thing on her mind for some time now. "In order to do that," Evelyn whispered, "We need to find Master Tekka. He has the map."

He pressed his lips to her forehead and slowly stood up, holding his hand out to her, Poe smiled, sadly, "Then what are we waiting for? We have a map to find."

#star wars #star wars fanfiction #poe dameron #poe dameron fanfiction #poe x oc #we belong to the stars

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d0llhousess · 3 years

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I am different anon but I don't think Tobi is 'only' able to sense when people are not being honest 100% but he also can feel when something is up or not rightaway. The first few chapters of Moikshi (not sure how to spell his name) when he wasn't member of the team yet he told them a lie that he can't play basketball because he is sick and the doctors ordered him to quit. later on Tobi and Sora were talking about this fact which sora related to (his mom can't play because of her illness). Tho Sora didn't say its his mom and he just barely said (i understand that feeling) Tobi quickly asked him if something is up with him or his family and Sora quickly denied that. Yhat was really more scarrier than feeling Nao's lie because they wwre normally chatting about basketball and with 4 words out of Sora mouth Tobi was able to know something important and if he insisted and gone after that feeling of something is wrong with Sora, sure Sora might've told him since they finally become close to each other (tho sure Sora wouldn't give him details). It might be my own headcanon but i feel like after sora's mom death somehow Tobi would be the most one to feel sadness ? I mean not that the others are gonna be happy ofc but because he 'knew something is wrong' and he knows how tough it is since he also lost his father too. Not sure if this is called emotional intelligent or 6th sense or strong senses but I think Tobi is able to feel things but he just can't figure them out correctly or accurately. I remember it was mentioned that he generally has almost (perfect) senses for basketball. His position as Foward player and skills require these kind of senses so he can read players on court (and sure this is different from reading people in normal life) but I think all of that adds up. Im still catching up on the manga but I really like his character development. This man is so smart and im sure once he grow enough to control his feelings he will be really a person who you shouldnt miss with him 😂 this is totally out of our topic but people like him also can be kind of able to manipulat others if we gonna talk about dark things 🙊. Now his brain is full of basketball 😂🤦‍♀️ but if somehow things went wrong in the future Tobi has potentials to be manipulator and that can go all the dark directions and we need days to explore 🤣 but one thing i want to say about him being manipulator is mostly based on (self defense) not that he is intending harm to others its just a mean to protect himself based on his childhood traumas (which i think they are the biggest reasons for shaping his senses this sharp anyway) 🙊 sorry for talking too long in more than 1 topic 🤦‍♀️ tell me if you dont like it and i will make my response shorter next time. Good luck with your exams.

Ok so this is a lot to take in but never feel bad about your ask lengths!! My favorite thing to do is discuss characters/character moments as it is just fun to see different interpretations!

First I want to say is that, Tobi is extremely emotionally mature/intelligent. I think I’ve said this in my very first headcanon post about him, i think i said he’s good at processing his emotions and knowing why he feels a certain way and what caused those emotions (which is extremely mature compared to his other teammates, especially Momoharu + Sora)

As for sensing other’s emotions, i think that Tobi is just emotionally intelligent. Simple as that. From a very young age he basically had to develop the skill to read others as away to survive, or cope with the trauma he endured. So i do not doubt for a moment that reading people is a survival mechanism that he doesn’t even notice he has.

And I also think that Tobi maybe in empath? Like I know a lot of people tend to think empaths are people who are like “omg i just feel everything 🥺 i’m so sensitive 🥺 etc.” But tbh from my experience with them, most empaths are just heavily effected by the emotions of others, and are able to “pick up” (like you said Tobi does) on others emotions in a way that it might seem like a 6th sense. So to that extent, I do think Tobi is an empath as he is shown to be affected by others emotions, and his way of learning others emotions. (some empaths can be manipulative people as they have a deep knowledge of how emotions work so that maybe what you’re referring to, Anon!)

Yet, with the way Tobi is developing in the Manga, I don’t think he will become a manipulator.....he’s just too blunt/honest. He rather tell the truth and be hated, than lie and be loved. I’m so excited for you to get to his SPOILER (injury) chapters as it pushes his development so much and dude highkey comes out a wayyy more mature Tobi

#.customer.inquiriesꕤ #anon #.rambles{ahiru no sora}ꕤ #.nght{rambles}ꕤ

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thesunnyshow · 4 years

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Name: Emmy

Writing Blog URL(s): @pastelsicheng

What fandom(s) do you write for?: NCT

Age: 19

Nationality: Canadian

Languages: fluent-ish in English, French, Urdu, Hindi, Pujarati, Punjabi, Arabic (listed in order from languages I can speak/read/write in, to languages I can't write/read/speak but can understand)

Star Sign: Aries

MBTI: INFP-T

Favorite color: I like most colours but I always just say purple

Favorite food: Khow Suey. Idk how to describe it in English but it’s like noodles that you mix with like thick yellow curry and chicken tarkari, and you can put fried onions on top and what I call samosa crumbs (basically the crunchy dough you use for samosas, it’s like the dough fried alone and you just crush it and put it on top), and I add a bit of ketchup too cause its noodles and it's so good

Favorite ice cream flavor: Cookies and cream, or just basic french vanilla

Favorite animal: I love most of them hahah but I will say elephants

Coffee or tea? What are you ordering?: Coffee most likely but I love tea more

Dream job (whether you have a job or not): Open my own cafe

If you could have one superpower, what would you choose?: Control time

If you could restart your life, knowing what you do now, would you?: No thank you I don't want to live through this again

Would you rather fight 100 chicken-sized horses or one horse-sized chicken?: 100 chicken-sized horses because I heard chickens eat people so uhhh no thanks

If you were a trope in a teen high school movie, what would you have been?: The overachieving nerd/student council president. That’s literally what I was

Do you believe in aliens/supernatural creatures?: Yes. Aliens and ghosts and demons, they’re all real. Not fairies and vampires and werewolves tho.

Do you have a role model? If so, who?: There’s definitely people I look up to and try to learn from for various things, but I don’t think I have like one solid role model

Fun fact about yourself that not everyone would know?: I used to be a tomboy when I was a kid, and probably still am deep inside

When did you post your first piece?

January 2020

Why did you start writing on Tumblr?

I found it easier to gain feedback and find an audience of readers on Tumblr, plus the site was just easier for me to navigate compared to like Wattpad

Do you write fluff/angst/crack/general/smut, combo, etc? Why?

I write anything I feel like writing, and am open to trying new stuff. I just won’t write smut. I don’t feel comfortable writing or reading it

Do you write OCs, X Readers, Ships...etc?

I write x readers

Who is your favorite person to write about?

I don’t have a favourite person, mainly because I pick people based on who I think would fit a certain concept best. I guess my favourite would be y/n LOL because y/n is in every fic and I put myself into their character.

What inspires you to write?

I just like writing. I get a lot of ideas of stuff I want to write, and as a kid I wanted to be an author, but that obviously isn’t happening anytime soon so I just write fanfics. They’re easier to write because characters are already developed for you, and they don’t have a word limit to how long and short they need to be compared to actual OC fics

What genres/AUs do you enjoy writing the most?

Anything that relates to normal people, I enjoy writing. I like to insert my own experiences and thoughts in my stories so I write scenarios that I can imagine myself in or things I’ve experienced already, stuff like that

What do you hope your readers take away from your work?

I just want them to enjoy what I write. I’d like for my fics to be memorable, but idk if they are lol

What do you do when you hit a rough spot creatively?

I just don’t write. It’s bad but I don’t want to write something that I don’t like so I don’t force myself to write when I don’t feel like it. If it takes me months to get out of that rough spot, then oh well. I don’t want to force myself to do anything that would make me hate writing, since it's one of the only few hobbies of mine.

What is your favorite work and why? Your most successful?

Most successful is murder replay. My favourite is an unreleased fic that I’m still working on. It’s pretty self-indulgent, and I talk about internal conflict with sexuality and not knowing what you really want, alongside being insecure and having mental illnesses. It’s angsty but it’s one of my favourites because of how much of myself I’ve poured into it

Do you think there’s a difference between writing fanfiction vs. completely original prose?

It’s the same. Aside from the character being a real life person, fanfiction is the exact same as prose because it’s completely original ideas and thoughts, completely original sentences, and in general just the exact same as original prose. There’s like no difference.

What do you think makes a good story?

A writer who enjoys what they’re doing. It doesn’t matter your skill level or your language skills, or whatever. If you are passionate about what you write, then it will be evident in the story, and it will be a great story. There’s other things like the story idea and genre, but that’s all dependent on the reader. What I think makes a good story is different from what someone else thinks makes a good story. But in general, it’s the author that makes it good. You can tell if the writer really liked what they were doing, or if they were just writing for the sake of throwing words on a document and then calling it a day.

What is your writing process like?

Get an idea. Make a doc with that idea. Either immediately try and develop details, or leave the idea as is for months, maybe years. After developing the details, write the beginning of the fic, a few scenes I really liked, and then call it a day and never open the document for a few months again lol. Then I wait until I’m in the mood to write for that specific fic, and then I will write as much as I can. Finishing fics is a struggle, I’ve yet to finish my longer ones lol. I have a terrible writing process. The only way I really finish is if I already told my followers i will post it and theyre all waiting for it. Then I feel bad leaving people hanging and so it motivates me to finish. But yeah once I actually finish it, I throw it into grammarly and some other editors, fix stuff up, and publish.

Would you ever repurpose a fic into a completely original story?

Doubt it. Once I’m done with a fic, I’m done. I don’t really want to go back and change anything. Even the longer fics that I love, I get sick of them and so I just dont want to touch them once they're done.

What tropes do you love, and what tropes can’t you stand?

I’m a huge sucker for childhood best friends to lovers lol. I have gushed about this on my blog a few times. Just the fact that you know someone for that long, and even been through arguments and times of not talking to each other, just to still come back to each other, thats real love even if its platonic. I’m just a sucker for that stuff. I also really enjoy anything that I, as a normal person, can relate to so high school AUs, college AUs, platonic AUs, anything real life based. There’s no tropes that I can’t stand, just tropes I don’t find interest in or don’t read much.

How much would you say audience feedback/engagement means to you?

Depends on how long i took to write the fic. If it’s a short piece ranging between a few hundred words to maybe a couple thousand words then I don’t really care much because chances are I didn’t take long to write it. My pieces that are longer than 5k, I care about because those are usually the ones more close to my heart, and the ones I spent way more time than necessary working on. Even just one reader telling me they enjoyed my story makes my day

What has been one of the biggest factors of your success (of any size)?

I know murder replay which is my current biggest story blew up, and I feel like part of it was because of the frequent updating I did. I kept a schedule and made sure to stick with it, even changing parts of the story to fit feedback from readers. Consistency was definitely key, and also engaging with readers. Replying to all their reblogs even if it was just tags they added, constantly expressing how grateful I am, stuff like that because it makes people feel that they’re validated as well. And I guess the general idea/trope of the fic was interesting to people too

Do you think fanfic writers get unfairly judged?

Yeah lol. It’s definitely something I hide from everyone I know in real life because I dont want to be looked down on.

Do you think art can be a medium for change?

Yes!! Art defies boundaries set by language, especially visual art. Stories are a good way to express things to people who don’t understand why something is the way it is, it’s literally what has been done by humans since the start of time. We pass down stories explaining things.

Do you ever feel there are times when you’re writing for others, rather than yourself?

Yeah, sometimes when I felt really burnt out, I felt I had to post an update or something just so that my followers got what they kinda signed up for when they followed me. It was partially just the pressure I put onto myself I guess because my followers are always supportive and understanding when I say I cant post an update. I’d also say in general there’s a part of me that wants to write for others too. I would be lying if I said I only write for myself because that’s not true. The whole reason I write and post is because I want some reader interaction and feedback, and if I truly did only write for myself I wouldn’t be posting.

Do you ever feel like people have misunderstood you or your writing at times?

Not yet! And I hope I don’t have to experience that lol

Do your offline friends/loved ones know you write for Tumblr?

Nope. No one does. It’s something I wanna keep to myself. Even some of my other internet friends don’t know.

What is one thing you wish you could tell your followers?

I purposely send a bunch of messages because I feel bad leaving people on read so I just keep sending hearts and stuff to express my love but also just so that you can end the convo when you feel like.

Do you have any advice for aspiring writers who might be too scared to put themselves out there?

Go for it! It might be scary to get criticism, but I promise there are way more nice people on Tumblr than there are mean people. In fact I haven’t even interacted or met with a mean anon or person on here yet. Also the only way to really start is to go for it. I get anxious too every time I post something, even now, and honestly its just a feeling ya know. Its just chemicals in your body. So don’t stress, and if you always need someone to boost your ego and promote your work you have me!

Are there any times when you regret joining Tumblr?

Nope

Do you have any mutuals who have been particularly formative/supportive in your Tumblr journey?

The memorable ones are Mimu, Nini, Gwen, Philo, and Krystal who were supportive of murder replay. Also sunflower anon and peace sign anon, and recently Jo has been really supportive.

Pick a quote to end your interview with

“...the universe is basically like a machine. I don’t know who made it, if it was the Fates, or the gods, or capital-G God, or whatever. But it chugs along the way it’s supposed to most of the time. Sure, little pieces break and stuff goes haywire once in a while, but mostly . . . things happen for a reason.” Leo Valdez in The House of Hades (so technically Riordan lol)

BONUS: K-POP CONFIDENTIAL

Interested in your very own episode of The Sunny Show? Find out how to apply here.

#@pastelsicheng #thesunnyshow #featuredauthor #episode 19 #nct

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ruensroad · 4 years

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(dont) let me go

I saw a post on @whatisasideblog‘s blog about NieYao and Hanahaki disease. I thought it was interesting enough to try my hand at it. Hope it’s okay, hon!

----

Nie Mingjue had not put much stock in how he would, inevitably, die. It was well known that his family was cursed to die of qi deviation and the ages varied. With his skill and body count, Nie Mingjue had known, even in early days, that his life would not be long. He would live, breathe, and die by his blade, he was certain, and was content with such an outcome.

It was how his father had died. His grandfather, his grandfather’s grandfather. There was a somber sort of pride to it, knowing he was following in their footsteps. All people died, but few knew the how. He was oddly blessed to know it would be sooner than most. And that had to be good enough.

Because the only other way to die had been as his mother had died, choking on blood red peonies and clutching at roots that had coiled around her lungs and heart like weeds. He’d watched her fade away, could still remember the horrid coughing, the blood and red petals littering the floor. It had instilled in him a fear greater than a death with all his meridians broken and his mind bleeding out with madness. To die of a broken heart, especially for their clan, who loved so deeply, wholly, passionately... well. It was little wonder she had withered away and he’d been careful, oh so careful, with who he grew affection for, turning his back on his heart to safe it from a root-speared death, and for many years he was satisfied in his loneliness.

After all he had Huaisang, who was free of the flower sickness curse, given his own mother had not died of the disease, but childbirth. And his reluctance to even pick up a saber, while irritating and frustrating, proved Huaisang may not even fall to qi deviation. He had to use a spiritual tool to reach that end, after all, and he refused to.

Nie Mingjue would never admit his relief of it. He knew his death would shatter his brother’s dreams of a peaceful life, so while he chided and argued and teased, in the end Huaisang was left to do what he wanted and Nie Mingjue was left to do as he wanted. A balance of reprimand and respect, one they'd maintained since the start.

In many ways, meeting Meng Yao had been the best and worst of his life. The best, because of who Meng Yao became to him. The worst for the same.

In the end, he was still his mother’s child, it seemed.

Every curl of a sweet, dimpled smile had his throat closing with petals, caught against his rapid pulse. His lungs hitched and stung as the roots dug deeper and deeper with every fleeting glance, every knowing look they shared. The quiet moments were poignant with the unfurling flowers he could feel in his chest, ready to kill him, and knew he was doomed to this. For all his plans for a glorified death, or a terrible death, somehow this was worse.

Because this suffering in silence, in choking on the words, personified with petals. When he finally managed to cough one up, spit long red with blood, he found an orchid at his feet, shriveled and misshapen, but undeniably an orchid.

Meng Yao loved the QingheNie orchids, he knew, loved the deep rich red of their petals and often kept vases of them in his rooms, which made sense for why this flower had formed. But Meng Yao loved the GusuLan lilies more, he also knew, and that too made a horrid sense as to why he was choking on orchids and allowing them to kill him now.

Because he was not the lily that Xichen was, could not smile like Xichen could, or make Meng Yao so happy. He did what he could, the only ways he could, but it was not enough.

So he choked. He lost his appetite, withered away, just as his mother had done. Huaisang tried to convince him to tell Meng Yao the truth. Meng Yao demanded the same, to name the person responsible for his sickness when he’d finally been told just what was killing Nie Mingjue in a flutter of blood red blooms.

Nie Mingjue did not listen to either of them. Ironically, he listened to Xichen, who knew his heart, had always known his heart, and had soothed his spirit.

“You will not tell him, I know, but I wish you would,” Xichen told him a long night close to the end, when the flowers had been particularly fierce.

“He will love me back in obligation, and that will not cure me,” Nie Mingjue argued, and it was true enough. “I am doomed in loving him or not, Xichen. I will die young either way.”

“Then I am honored to be by your side as you love him,” Xichen had murmured, tears slipping down into his smile. He’d touched Nie Mingjue’s forehead and soothed him with qi, the only thing that had worked. “Don’t stop loving him.”

“I’ll stop breathing long before that,” he’d promised, and was determined onto that until the end.

When he opened his eyes the following night, lost in a daze of dreams and burning fire of roots slicing through his heart, he found Meng Yao in Xichen’s place, hands around his hand, body shaking with sobs… no, not sobs, he realized. Anger.

“Meng Yao,” he rasped, feeling a petal at the back of his throat. He forced it down with a swallow. If this was to be their last moment together, he didn’t want to ruin it by puking blood and orchids into Meng Yao’s lap. He’d rather die first.

“Whoever it is, they do not deserve you,” Meng Yao said, cutting, vicious, but his doe eyes were filled with tears, desperate and oh so lost. “How could they do this to you? Stand by and watch you d-... watch it kill you.” His voice was little more than a wretched whisper at that and Nie Mingjue smiled, lifting his shaking hand free just enough to cup the side of Meng Yao’s face and caress away a fallen tear.

“It doesn’t matter now.” Because it didn’t. “I have made my peace.”

“How can you say that?” Meng Yao demanded, hands trembling around his wrist. “What about Huaisang? Zewu-jun? What about the QingheNie?”

“Meng Yao.”

“What about me?” the man asked, biting his lip and shoulders hunching. “Without you…”

“You have Xichen,” Nie Mingjue said. It was odd he’d have to remind the man of his own lover, but grief had ways of breaking people down.

“I have Zewu-jun, but I want you,” Meng Yao buried his face into Nie Mingjue’s hand. “All my life, you are the greatest thing that has happened. And now you are lost and I can’t even follow.”

“You’d better not follow me,” Nie Mingjue murmured, feeling sluggish as his thumb pressed over Meng Yao’s lower lip. That lovely mouth parted in response, a beautiful sight, and surely he must be dreaming. Surely this was merely an angel disguised as his love to send him on his way.

“I’m not…” A broken laugh, tears falling like stars in his blurry sight. “...Me?”

Nie Mingjue hadn’t realized he’d mused that aloud, dreamlike as the world still was. But Meng Yao’s surprise seemed real enough, wretched enough. Angry enough. If it were true, then what damage could it do now? The end had come and this was his only chance left.

“Surely, you have felt my heart in your hands all these years,” Nie Mingjue told him.

“You say such a thing, yet have not felt mine,” Meng Yao whispered back and leaned forward, hands clutching at his face. It was not gentle, but desperate and clutching, and in surprise he realized that, no, this wasn’t a dream. He could feel each bite of fingernail, the weight of Meng Yao’s slight body over his own. Real and pushing into him, as real as the flowers choking him, as real as the lips that sealed completely over his own.

“Tell me it’s not too late,” Meng Yao breathed against his mouth, eyes closed and body shaking. Nie Mingjue did his best to hold him, but it was hard with his own shaking hands. “You stupid, utter fool…”

Head spinning, Nie Mingjue didn’t manage anything other than another soft, “Meng Yao.”

“Tell me I’m not too late,” came the same plea.

“I don’t know,” he managed, because he truly didn’t know. He still felt the roots, the petals, the blooms. Still felt their heavy pain. Still felt death’s cold hands on him, even as Meng Yao pressed himself ever closer.

“I will hunt you down in the afterlife if you leave me here alone,” Meng Yao threatened, making him smile.

“Xiao huli... I will try for you.”

“You’d better,” Meng Yao said and then he kissed him again, and again, and again, until the world blurred for an entirely new reason. “My heart is in your hands.”

Tears came to Nie Mingjue’s eyes at that and he wished fervently that he had not been so content to die. That he had Huaisang’s stubborn, romantic will and not the calm acceptance of a warrior’s soul. Truly, his mother’s son.

All he could promise was to try to wake up one more time, then another, and another. And the smile he got for it, joyous, heartbroken, full of tears and a broken laugh… it was worth every pain in the world for that smile.

That meant fighting, surviving, and loving. Unashamed, unfettered, as it should have been all along. So he would.

#ruenwrites #nieyao #hanahaki #the untamed #nie mingjue #meng yao

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3rdniggafromthesun · 4 years

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TF2 Ask Meme: Irradiator

yes im doing my own ask meme ahdkashjdfkemfjf..i dont answer all the qwuestions tho bc i dont really feel like it .

https://radium228.tumblr.com/post/624822035746619392/tf2-10th-class-oc-ask-meme

Link there if u wanna do it tooo

Character Building/Backstory

• What was it specifically about your OC and their skills that caught the attention of Mann Co?

Irradiator was a nuclear engineer who worked at a power plant, but in their spare time designed methods to use nuclear energy in weaponry on a small scale. This expertise and arsenal caught the attention of Mann Co for being particularly exploitable unique and contacted them with a undisclosed job offer that paid a lot better than their job at the plant.

• What mercs does your OC get along with well? Who do they have most in common with? Any best friends? Or...more than that...? 👀

Irradiatior gets along *very* well with engineer. The two of them can often be found discussing science and engineering, and talking about their respective fields together. Of course, engie with all his phds, ends up teaching them more, but it is still a common pasttime for them. They are also pretty close with pyro, due to them both having a lot in common regarding obscured identities, and wearing safety suits all the time. They also get along well with heavy because they both come from the same region, and often share old stories about their life in the USSR. However, despite all this, Irradiator does not often socialise enough with anyone to consider anyone a *best friend* or super close. Irradiator is a pretty reclusive person and suffers a lot from paranoia and social anxiety, and prefers the company of very few people, and not people that talk too much. Suprisingly they get along ok with Soldier, but this is mainly because he assumes the Georgia they come from is the state, not the country. There is one merc however, they really admire.......but they prefer to keep that to themselves.

• What mercs does your OC NOT get along with? Anyone they particularly hate? Why?

Irradiator does NOT get along with scout at all. They don’t hate him, but he is just too social and too much for them to handle, and he makes them anxious. He basically kind of scared them away. They do not appreciate spy’s company and finds him very pretentious and if they do say something to him, it can come across as kind of rude. Spy is the one they come the closest to hating, but they at the very least tolerate his existence and try not to make a huge deal about it. The other mercs they don’t really know well enough to have strong opinions on.

• What is it specifically about your OC’s personality that stands out? Many of the mercs have their own (exaggerated) traits that make them , well, them! (Canon examples are like how soldier is obsessed with America, Medics shockingly Hippocratic approach to medicine, etc.)

Their LOVE for radiation and radioactive materials. Its a part of their personality! Like seriously, its almost kind of concerning how eager they are to expose themselves to radiation. This of course, means semi frequent visits to medic to cure radiation sickness. They keep radioactive things as collectibles and overall are just...Obsessed with it to the point that people start to wonder if its some sort of fetish.....

• Whats an unexpected quality your OC has? A secret hobby or skill or trait that nobody would expect from them?

Perhaps not so unexpected, but their LOVE for bugs. they really enjoy learning about insects!! They really want to have a pet bug, but of course this kinda freaks everyone out except for probably Pyro and Sniper. This is also a factor in why they dislike spy, because of his rude response to them wanting to have a pet bug.

“Gameplay” Questions

• What classes/mercs is your oc strong against?

They have a good amount of power over everyone if used effectively, however, they work the best to counter lower health classes like scout and spy with their dirty (radioactive) grenades that leave radioactive waste that damages and leaves a bleed effect whereever it is that it exploded. This of course means higher health classes have more of a chance against it, but it will cut down the health of a lower health class very easy, and can quickly stop a charge for some time.

• What classes/mercs is your oc weak against?

Most weak against engineer, because radiation does not do anything to a sentry or dispenser. However higher damage classes like Heavy and soldier they are naturally weak against in general. Engineer is their biggest counter, though.

• What would you do to make your character balanced, but still fun to play? Basically what weapons and abilities would you limit? Which ones would you highlight?

Their dirty grenades are limited in supply, and have very little explosion damage, and the radioactive “bleed” effect does not last super long. The radiation also only lasts in an area for about only a minute or so at a time, and gets weaker over time before completely dissipating. The radiation is also incapable of killing any of the mercs on its own. It can only lower health drastically, causing them to have to consider whether or not they want to push on low health, or recover health. Their raygun works similarily, and has a bleed effect as well, but is much higher than the grenades, and is capable of killing through radiation damage. Irradiator themselves can become damaged by their own radiation by standing in too much of it at a time, but the damage output is still greatly reduced. Basically it is sort of like if demoman and the boston basher were combined into a person, lol.

• Would your OC have a special ability or gameplay element unique to them? (Canon examples include Pyro’s pyrovision, Soldiers ability to rocket jump)

Believe it or not? Damage yourself with radiation. No, really. It will increase their run speed and damage, but at the cost of having greatly reduced health. (of course there is a ceiling to this. Super low health does NOT mean super speed and extreme damage.)

• Write a few taunting voice lines your oc would have for when they kill an enemy and want to rub it in.

“Not even the biggest dose of iodine can save you from that!” (iodine is used to treat/prevent radation poisoning.) “And you thought you were a silent killer? Even the most clever spy cannot sneak around radioactivity!” (directed at spy of course) “I suppose the streets of Boston did not teach you the dangers of radiation, no?” (directed at scout)

• Would your OC be effective on the front lines, flanking, ambush, or rear?

Ambush for certain, in my opinion, but i really dont know!

For Fun Questions

• What cosmetics would you like your OC to have? Is there a particular theme? Feel free to include pics of what clothing, hats, or weapons you’d like to see as cosmetics for your OC.

A lot of space age type stuff. Or a hazmat/NBC suit variation of traditional Georgian costumes.

• What bird would your OC’s bird head cosmetic be?

A loon!

• Who would you like to voice act for your OC?

I dont have a specific voice claim honestly. Basically anyone who can do a georgian accent and has a deeper kinda ambigious voice.

• Would your OC have a Team Fortress Classic counterpart like the other mercs do in the comics? What makes your TFC merc different from your TF2 oc?

No, actually. At least not at the peak of the TFC run, which was in the 1930s. The position of the Irradiator would really only exist after or during WW2!

#long post #tf2 oc #tf2 10th class oc #oc: the irradiator

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indigopurple · 4 years

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Saw an ask game response abt disliking certain tropes and now i feel the strong urge to overshare my own opinions on that. Here's a list of my most UTTERLY HATED tropes/AUs/etc out there from worst to...less worst. This was rlly difficult cuz I cant think of them til I accidentally see them on AO3 and get all pissy abt it

The A/B/O wolf thingy. Its so dumb to me I'm sorry i just can't follow it and it always gets romantic and sappy somehow. Also I dont understand how wolves work. The more I think abt it the more annoyed I get.

Soulmates AUs. Ugh. Again, sooo sappy and gets SO ooc. The only exception is I once saw (didnt read tho lol) this fic where one of the characters like, kinda rebelled against the soulmate meeting thing, and he said that his eyes change color all the time with different friends. Aka its PLATONIC! SCOORRRRREEEEE! I also recently learned that soulmates AUs are often used to explain ppls pedophilic/incest ships. Disgusting.

OC/self insert fics. I dont have any issue with ppl writing these, in fact its prolly good practice for the beginner writers that make them. Assuming they're all like, 12 y/o kids. Cuz that's the grammar and vocab level in all of them. Also, theyre never very engaging or intriguing, and i never know why I should care abt the main character. I just have absolutely no interest in these fics, sorry.

Sickfics involving like....gross sickness. I get that that's more realistic or whatever but is that rlly what you're going for? This is this just whump and fluff 99% of the time. I dont need a description of [whumped character] throwing up all over the floor. Just like, fucking make them have a dizzy spell or smth; kinda gets the same result. Like are you trying to gross us out? Really?? I make one exception to this rule: throwing up/coughing up blood. That is a whole nother story tho.

Deaging/aging up fics. I dont have a huge problem with these, but I've never been interested. I've heard that this one is also used to make ppls incest/pedophilic ships seem ok, which isnt very cool. I've seen this be used for rlly weird fluff abt like, [said deaged/aged up] having to mother or be mothered by their close friends which I guess is just some weird form of fluff, but like...rlly strange. It's like the filler episode no one liked of fanfics. If it's used as a way to force a characters traumatic past be brought up then ig it's ok since theres some interesting plot, just as long as the character isnt aged down to like..an infant.

Time travel fics. Often used to fix something that happened in canon that the writer is salty about. Usually undoing a character death, or going back to see friends as their younger selves, things like that yknow. Usually hurt/comfort which is cool. I dont have a big problem with these fics, I just find them kinda hard to follow with such a weird perspective (usually the character that travelled back in time). I see a shit ton of these in the one piece fandom, mainly consisting of "luffy goes back in time to save his brothers" or "luffy, after dying before he can reach his goal, gets a second chance and goes to reform his pirate crew". Its always those. Wouldn't be surprised if it was the same stuff for other fandoms but adding "[main character] goes back in time to remeet [character's crush/soulmate/etc] so they can get married" or some sappy shit. Sorry this one is way too long lol.

Slavery AUs. These...ugh ok. These are actually pretty interesting to me, absolutely heart-wrenching and also very sweet in the end. The hurt/comfort angst in these is fucking unreal. My issue with these is they sometimes get super rapey. Starts with idk some kid gets kidnapped + sold into slavery of some sort, then [a lot of the fic being then suffer and be traumatized], and then they are freed. Bonus points for written in epilogue with a healing process and like..found family yknow. It gets fucked up in the suffering part. Way too many of these fics get into like, rape. Which makes sense tbh (god I hate that tho), it just gets too...detailed. like uh hey writer, is this like, a turn on or what? I've stopped in the middle of a few fics, or skip a chapter, cuz I was like dude I cant deal w this. Also dear authors, fucking tag your writing, stop surprising me with shit like this. I should know what I'm getting into before reading it.

Cant think of anything else atm. Might add more later if smth on AO3 catches me off gaurd lol.

Someone out there is gonna hate me for making this post

#straggler.txt #ao3 #fanfic reading bullshit #me complaining

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clownbeep · 5 years

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This is gonna be kinda brutal. But I want to put it into writing

Big vent/whats been going on

Hah... I guess this is like my life story or some shit...

Trigger warning ahead.. Depression and a bit of gore/suicide talk so if you are sensitive to that please, for your own sake and mental state you might not want to continue.

For those who dont want to hear a pretty dark vent, I understand.

And those who are just scrolling by feel free to scroll past. I just personally want to get this out.

If you have dealt with emotional neglect/abuse and need to know it isnt in your head this might be the post.

By writing this it feels like hopefully someone else will read this and realise certain things are NOT healthy.

If you are questioning if you are being emotionally neglected/abused (im speaking in a parental sense but even romantically or sexually) im not someone to give you answers, but the fact you are questioning it raises some red flags. In a healthy relationship you dont wonder those things.

Sorry for the long prelude but heres what I wanted to say

Ever since I was young, ive had bad ADHD, manic bipolar/depression, and sensory issues.

I was diagnosed around 13 I believe. My family (I didnt realise it then) always showed pity. Like I was some wild animal that couldnt be tamed and there was nothing they could do. Id do and say stupid attention seeking things just to try and get a shred of empathy.

My family didnt care.

When I was in the hospital for a suicide attempt regaurding pills and my liver had a chance of failing.. None of my family members cried over me. But a family friend. Someone not. Even. Related. Wept over me.

My family didnt care.

I cant say they never cared. They give me food water and luxuries like internet and a phone. For that I am grateful.

But in many other ways they have hurt me faar more than helped.

Once I got out of a short term stay in an inpatient mental facility I desperately needed contact with anyone who would care for me.

I have a younger sister, quite young probably around 7 at the time. She was a close friend of mine for that time. Id hang out with her so often to fill the gap in love it felt my family didnt give. One day I walked into the dining room and overheard my mother and father talking to my little sister. They told her to keep away because I wasnt "stable" because I was "dangerous" and could give her bad Ideas. And with one single action my only friend at the time and way to find happiness was taken away.

My family did not care.

When I stay in bed every day for months on end not knowing which day ill snap and end it all.... I get called lazy.

My family did not care

When I beg for medication to make me a functional human being they brush me off for years on end. Im losing my grip. I can barely remember things that have happened last week because I try so hard to forget everything its my automatic response to everything.

When I cant get to sleep because all of the memories come flooding back and im hit by wave after wave of horrific memories and the feeling if worthlessness... When I cant watch any videos or read posts about families because it brings on unwanted memories and emotions....

Is it me being dramatic then?

When you hear your family openly mocking and laughing about how stupid and dramatic and fake trans people are... How weird and unnatural and mentally insane these people are not knowing they are the very reason grsm and trans suicides are so high...

Am I a liar now? Am I insane?

When I tried to talk to them about my mental health issues. They took my only way of contact and made me feel like it was my own fault.

My family didnt care.

When I was nearly passed out shaking in a bathtub covered in wounds and blood all over... They showed pity, then lectured me for an hour for not telling them or for being impulsive and basically cleaned my wounds and sent me into my room.

My family didnt care.

Yes. I do agree, they cleaned my wounds, the physical side of showing care. However emotionally they were not there.

When my father drinks so heavilly every day he is home from work that he forgets half the things he tells you and can barely function.. They lecture my older sister for having a glass of wine (legal age)

They did not care.

My sister (23) tried for so many years to cling to what little attention she would get by getting good grades and going to college... She realised that it changed nothing about how my family felt toward her.... She snapped.

My family did not care.

She starves herself for a disease she does not have, she uses religion as an exuse to be one of the biggest christian extremists I personally know. Half the days she doesnt eat... Other days she burns book and gets rid of items for being demonic.

My lovely sister used to be kind and quite normal. However she couldnt find comfort in what little live her family gave. Starved for care she turned to religion to un unhealthy degree. Finding any way to keep her mind busy. Now I worry she will end up in the hospital for weighing so little.

My family did not care.

My oldest sister (27) Is married to a continuously cheating husband who she keeps letting back into her life. She was raised with a failing marrige and doesnt seem to see when she should call it quits.

Not to mention her husband has touched someone legally under the age of concent. Did she report him to the authorities? No.

All of these horrific things stemming from bad parenting. Unhealthy relationships and neglect.

Neglect emotionally can cause just as bad things as physical neglect. They are both horrifically dangerous in different ways.

These are the only big things I can remember... Basically age 15 and below are a complete blur to me and I cant remember much of it without thinking for a looong time. Even then I cant remember a lot of it... I feel like ive lost my whole damn childhood. And it hurts more than if they had just hit me or physically harmed me.

Im not underplaying physically harm. But in my personaly opinion I would rather my family have beaten me badly because at least then id have an easier way to prove to people how severe the abuse was. You can see bruises and confirm broken bones... But years of feeling completely useless and being shut off from most of the world other than the internet... It fucks you up in a way I dont think can be healed.

I dont know if I can ever love myself or... Remember things. Its terrifying to think Ill post this and a few weeks later probably not even rememner unless its brought up. Or meeting people and having conversations... And they are just... Gone.

Gone.

I suppose the biggest reason im writing this is well... In the future I dont want to forget in some ways.. I want like to be 100× as awesome knowing itll start as soon as im out of here..

If I dont have anything to compare it too then what is the point?

Ive layed out basically most of what I remember

A large amount of time I look around and nothing registers... Everything is familiar but I cant remember anything for a moment or two.. I feel like my memory is slipping so fast and im terrified.. I cant do anything to stop it and I cant make my mood be stable without the medication my family cant be bothered to get ...

I suppose this is a bit of a vent. I know its kind of everywhere and unorganized..

If im honest.. Tumblr is the only place where people have given me a home I wish I had..

I came out as trans here... Everyone was so damn supportive.. I didnt say anything but I cried hard and the kindness.. It was amazing.. It was such a jarring difference to how I feel when I say anything in real life.

Ive met friends here and ive had some much fun here. If youve stuck around this far thank you so much.. If you didnt I dont blame you.

I just wanted to share what has been flashing in my head these past few days.. It hurts a lot and ive even considered suicide recently..

Im trying hard. As hard as I can.. I have no escape though.

I cannot leave home. I cannot escape. Im not being dramatic.

CANT

LEAVE

And its terrifying because I know without medication or at least being somewhere AWAY from family.... I feel like im going to break soon.

I dont want to do anything stupid.. But some days I cant think straight and do things that harm myself and its not good. Its not okay. Im aware that I need help but I have no idea where to go/turn.. I have no ID or drivers liscence.. I have no transportation to and from a job to get money so I can leave... I live in the middle of nowhere.... I just..

I dont want to lose touch. I dont want to do anything bad.. I want to be functional.. I want to do more than eat and sleep my life away because I have nothing else to do..

Im so damn sick and tired of this all.. And at times I really do feel like there is only one way out.

Its always there and I just feel like one of these days im gonna be pushed over the edge and not be thinking clearly enough to stop it.

Im thinking semi clearly right now which is my im posting this.. Because im afraid and alone.

I have nowhere to go irl I have no friends Irl i just have tumblr and media and thats it. I dont expect anyone to be able to help I just wanted to write this so anyone knows what happens if I leave media..

If I tell my family my issues they will blow me off again for the 11th time or so (not exaggerated)

And if I do something to get sent to the hospital and get the help I need the cycle will continue with them being pissed and me getting sent home in a month or less anly for my family relationships to get worse..

Im spiraling fuether and further and I cant keep up the facade of being fine. I need help. And i have no way to get it. Ive just been suffering for years...

Sitting around and doing nothing but using your phone or drawing or whatever sound fun in theory... But if thats all youve been able to do for years with little to no real life social contact its gonna mess with your head... I dont want to be a shut in... I just

I dont know what to do.

Im sorry for rambling. I will most likely delete this later feeling embarrassed I posted this...

Im just tired..

#trigger warning #triggering #may be triggering #vent #emotional neglect #emotional abuse #suicide #suicide trigger #gore warning #memory problems #ramble #rambles

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cs-discourse · 5 years

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since ghost wants a defending post i will also make one

hi! as yall seem to commonly know me since it was my user before i changed it, im star child. im that overgrown cow that's smearing names and causing drama whats up

i would be a mature adult and DM you ghost but honestly i know you'd probably just spend ages trying to defend yourself fruitlessly and also i have you blocked so whatever

here's the screenshots i have available (sent to me by very kind users in the chat who felt i should know what was being said after i left) and my comments to go along with it

some background: this discussion was happening in a channel called 'real-images'. a place where you would not expect a conversation about docking to be taking place.

i clicked into this channel to see what was happening and as you know, with discord, it automatically puts you on the oldest unread message when you click into that chat. i was greeted by conversations about cropping and docking - choke chains may have been mentioned, im unsure, because as soon as i saw the conversation i began to feel sick and so clicked out without skimming through the convo.

i went into 'questions' and asked if they had a way of requesting certain topics to be tagged and that's pretty much where this begins.

first i'd like to say 'don't enter the channel' hey ghost, how was i supposed to know that clicking into a channel to share pictures would lead to me walking into a conversation about my trigger? are you really going to blame me for that, huh?

second, this was me literally asking slash 'speaking up' about the topic. why was there any need to get this passive aggressive over it? i put in a request. you could have said yes. you could have said no. you could have said 'sorry we can't blacklist it but we'll try to ask people to spoil it or put a warning'. instead you told me to 'go off' and put :) which yeah we all know what that emoji means you weren't being friendly or subtle

we all know neons a big advocate for choke chains and shock collars as well as whole host of other mistreating animals. i'll make a second submission on that if people care but neons animal care? whack. bro i hope you grow up and learn to look after your pets.

anyway, mods please tell me why neon was allowed to get involved and say 'they just let their opinions get the better of them and speak out of turn' to be greeted with agreements and being told it was fine when it really wasn't fine.

Spooky Rabbit, i dont know who you are but you're cool. you made me a little less upset but it was a little too late bud

it's really nice how this convenient controversial chat only popped up after i started talking about the way i was treated in another chat huh. a whole half hour later when i'd already posted screenshots and vented and let people know what happened. love the damage control here

anyway

'speak up' once again yeah i did that and look where it got us all, Joke

something said to me outside of cottontails but this is in retaliation to the 'why didnt you speak up earlier' other than the simple fact i wasnt there lol. neon always likes to talk about these nasty little dog topics. if i'd butted into a convo i hadnt been a part of previously and said 'can we not discuss this?' i'd love to bet a whole 25$ that ghost would've told me to just mute the channel, or neon would've ignored me or told me to "just not argue uwu". either way y'all were going to get angry at me for my trigger.

'don't want to butt in with my opinion but-' neon all you ever literally do is butt into conversations its practically your only personality trait other than mistreating ur animals lol. 'made things difficult' 'i'm vocal about my opinions' and then telling me to shut up about mine? okay if you say so.

Adam, 'we can't blacklist every topic users find uncomfortable' I'd like to point out again that a literal trigger is something very different to being uncomfortable! and on top of that it wasn't like i was asking you to trigger tag mentions of a popular character, or a food, or a language, or a colour. i was asking you to trigger tag a very controversial conversation centered around cropping, docking, and choke chains. an extremely heavy topic. not a minor inconvenience.

cool cool yall were making fun of ppl with triggers. nice

from a PM from cinna after i PM'd her about transfering my rabbit out of species - no cinna, they weren't blunt, they were just mean. simple as.

ik ppl dont wanna read text walls so this is mostly at ghost who claims im a harrasser and an abuser because i dont like neon using choke chains and shock collars

oh!! also conviently gonna add that "come for our side of the story" - you know one of your staff did that right? they went to a species owner of a species im involved in and tried to get me banned for causing drama? but didnt give any information or screenshots, and i had to provide them all to the owner to make sure the whole story was out? convenient how you just forget screenshots when they make you look bad.

this is long so

tl;dr ghost was p nasty abt the convo. they made fun of people being sensitive. they told me my trigger was a minor inconvenience and not important enough to tag. they only added a controversial topic after i kicked off because they didnt want their asses in trouble. neon got involved and isnt even staff so idk why they did.

anyway that's the news from your local drama queen, im gonna go chew on some grass now moo moo bitch

#cs discourse #submission

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rosieengel · 4 years

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the beauty and the terror

I’ve been contemplating starting a blog for a long time now, but felt paralyzed with terror because I couldn’t find a great opening post topic. This week, the topic found me. I’ve had the draft saved with my finger hovering over the “post now” button for a few days. So, here it goes.

My first post is about my most recent brush with beauty and terror, best encapsulated, I think, in the mystical words of the poet Ranier Maria Rilke:

Let everything happen to you Beauty and terror Just keep going No feeling is final

In one of my favorite books of all time, Awareness, Anthony de Mello ponders and unpacks those non-final, fleeting moments in life - he points to the fact that our cells live and die so often that we have to wonder, who am “I” after all? Was I the same person I was in the past? No. Not physically, at least, but isn’t our “consciousness” also comprised of a neural network made up of cells? So we are also not our feelings or our emotions. As a matter of fact, we have to liberate ourselves from our experiences altogether if we are to be fully present in the here and now, or we become hijacked by the filters that create our reality. This becomes even more interesting when we consider how many of our memories may be false or fabricated. How much of my past did I dream? How much did I experience in consciousness? “Don’t carry over experiences from the past... don’t carry over good experiences from the past either. Learn what it means to experience something fully, then drop it and move on to the next moment, uninfluenced by the previous one.... You’d know what eternal life is, because eternal life is now, in the timeless now.” In this book, de Mello suggests, no demands, that the reader, “Wake up”. Wake up to how we filter reality. Wake up to our excuses. Wake up and be aware.

I’ve always taken this book very seriously, but it became more important to me when I experienced my first pregnancy loss. The week before Christmas 2017, we experienced major emotional and physical whiplash; we were excited about the possibilities of the new life I was growing. We had told our family and friends, and like a lot of mothers-to-be, I was already dreaming about all of the amazing and absolutely terrifying ways our lives would change. I had spent my 20s and most of my 30s focused on my teaching and playing career, my health, and music. It was time to take care of someone else and I was looking forward to a new chapter (that I thought about my life then in terms of chapters is preposterous and that is worth another blog post). But the Universal Creator had different plans for us, as He typically does. At 12 weeks into my pregnancy and three days before Christmas, I had a miscarriage on the other side of the country and felt a tremendous sense of loss and confusion. In the ER, I could only hold tightly to E’s hand and eeck out, “Our little kumquat...” I was really shocked. I felt as if no one understood - I was grateful for the kindness of everyone around me, but at the same time, I felt as if they were too afraid to give me any comfort or love. Now I know that that is no one else’s responsibility but my own.

Much to my surprise (and other women who have lost babies or children probably grok this), many ordinary and mundane things in life became very difficult. Particularly because it was Christmas. I found I couldn’t really think about the future at all. Holiday traditions and cheer seemed trite and fabricated. I fought back breakdowns whenever I was around children of any age. Drops would well up in my eyes whenever anyone started talking about their dreams of getting pregnant or starting families. I sat amidst the glee and celebration screaming inside, “HEY!!! CAN’T YOU SEE THAT I’M STILL HERE AND DONT YOU KNOW WHAT IM FEELING!?!??!?!” I would go to the bathroom bleeding, cramping, and sad as I waited for the miscarriage to finish playing out to its gruesome end. I was ashamed to burden others with my uncomfortable tears. I will never forget how I reached into the toilet to touch, pick up, and say goodbye to what I believe was the last of the tissue that remained.

In the days afterward, I came across what would become a well-loved piece by Brian Andreas:

This is how I came to see that first baby - as an angel who was with me so briefly, but made such a terrific impact on my life. An angel, who most certainly prodded me to “wake up” in a de Mello sense. Immediately upon my return home, I said my goodbye to her and started healing (and it’s still happening). I felt an enormous calling to help and to heal others too; in the process of healing with Craniosacral Therapy (CST), I decided to study it myself and enrolled in massage therapy school. CST helped me to fully experience that pain and grief, down to the mitochondria of my cells, through my fascia, through my very center. When my inner spirit sensed the healing presence of Erin, my therapist, emotions bubbled up through my solar plexus, through my left hip, my ribs, my sternum. They still do, even today. As an additional part of my healing, I dragged myself to talk therapy for a whole year. My counselor recommended EMDR, using vibration and aural cues because I’m a musician. Through this therapy I finally fully experienced some trauma that I had hidden, buried in my tissues. I came to realize and acknowledge that I had not held proper space for myself and my loss. I had been remiss in thinking that life should go according to my plans, that the world owes me certain things, that I have even a tiny bit of control over my path. The worst is that I held so much shame for all of the things I thought I had failed at in my life. I couldn’t live my pop rocks life because I was looking externally for validation that I was worthy in this world - I was looking everywhere but inside my own spirit. I believe this is what also attracted me to academia, a field where accolades, accomplishments, and the correct lines on your vitae become a measure of your life’s work. That was a tough pill to swallow, but I’ve come to terms with that realization. I’m still healing today in other ways and I probably always will be.

This week, I was gifted a second angel. Even though she is gone now, I will always think of her as Eliza Jane. We conceived her without really intending to around New Years in New Orleans. I love walking down Magazine Street toward the Quarter. When we would walk by the hotel, I would admire its historic, embossed vertical sign. I offhandedly told E that I would love to name a hypothetical daughter Eliza Jane. Two weeks later, I would learn that she was already there.

Early miscarriage is very common. Statistically speaking, 1 in 4 confirmed pregnancies end (that they know of). So - why don’t we talk about it? Why do I feel embarrassed and ashamed that I am part of this statistic? The answer explains why this post stayed in draft form for so long.

I drove myself to the ER this week, in pain and bleeding. My midwife suggested that I go if I was concerned and if I wanted a quick answer. The answer was not good, but.... I knew the answer already. I had felt the absence in my body, the little tug at my heart when her life left me. I won’t say that it was easier this time, but I knew what to expect. I knew what the pain would feel like; I would not be taken off-guard by the waves of grief and sadness, the emptiness, and in some ways, the feelings of loneliness and alienation. I was able to hold space for myself this time, to sit in silence, to be in my own home, my own bathroom. I didn’t have to speak to anyone. E was with me and we were together. These two losses have brought us closer together. As I laid in the ultrasound room, unable to see the images that the silent technician kept from my view, I renewed the gratitude in my heart that the Universe brought E and me together. It may sound like a sappy cliche, but this is the only way I can put my love for him into words right now: the threads of grief in our souls are so "bare” when they are left alone, but when weaved together, make us inseparable and stronger than ever before.

When I got home from the hospital, I planted myself in bed to mentally prepare for the night ahead. Our scrappy, stray cat, Tikky, crawled into bed with me. She rarely does that. As I writhed in bed and moaned in pain, she planted herself next to me. Sprawled out against my belly, she stayed. Although I thrashed about, she remained, wide awake and concerned. Even in that moment, I was so present and grateful for her healing energy. She reminded me that the sick and pained don’t have to crawl into the corner, to lick their wounds alone. The strongest survive with the help and love of others. She sent me light in her own way, without saying anything at all. This is one of the many things I have learned from cats.

I’m sharing this story with the hope that it reaches others who have been through a similar experience. To you - you are not alone. Would this be different if I had a stillborn or if I lost an infant? No. Not according to my belief system. After the worst was over, I woke up before dawn to hear a robin trilling outside my window. In my world, nothing is a coincidence.

If you have not had this experience, open your eyes to those around you who are suffering in silence. Wake up. Just as someone communicates joy and celebration with new life and new possibilities, there is also someone who is crying and mourning the loss of a life. There are also those who did not want to create life and decide to end it (or they don’t). This isn’t just confined to miscarriage - there are people struggling around you. You must assume they are doing their best and it is not their responsibility to make you feel happy with your life. If you find yourself riled up or offended because of someone else’s struggle, or what you feel to be their failures or incompetencies, just ask yourself - am I taking this personally? I ask myself that question often - that is part of the process of waking up. It’s the process of leading a more compassionate life. Death surrounds us and it is part of a cycle that is repeating. There’s something comforting to me about the cycles of life. My cycle, that of the earth and moon, and the seasons. Your cells die, they shed, they turn over. It does not happen to us, it is us.

Of course, we should be happy. We should experience bliss and joy and scream it from the mountaintops, all others be damned! But can’t we also show our heartbreak, sadness, grief, and despair? Instead of turning and running from the pain, what if we leaned into the uncomfortable and said something. ANYTHING. Say you’re sorry. Ask if they are okay. Say that you don’t know what to say, but you are here to talk. Be there in silence. Be a shoulder or a hug. Hold space for them in your heart. Reach out. That’s something. Let yourself see the terror and the beauty, because if you don’t, your life will consist only of coincidences and you may miss the angels who are helping you along the way to wake up so that you do not miss your life.

Tikky didn’t leave me to lick my wounds alone. She nestled in and hunkered down right next to the pain. She leaned into it and sat there patiently through my tears and gibberish. Just as I am here to do for you, my friend.

#grief miscarriage pregnancyloss angels

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