#that page was made in like 2007 wtf

[selfundiagnosed]

Insane that my mom ran the most popular patrick stump archival blog on tumblr + was a full time lawyer + was raising two mentally ill kids + doing culinary arts school + having a cookie business. I think its her autism i wont lie. But now its all catching up to her and she has no energy which would be the ehlers danlos fault this time.. tried to convince her to steal her old url back but on cohost so she made an account but couldnt immediately make side blogs but boy oh boy. she would be giving the fall out boy fandom what they want and more. Shes like i cant do it again i have no idea how i did it before im like ma! its called having boundaries. Shes like i cant do that when i have a special interest its called autism. Im like right but queue posts for once a day and find 30 pictures from a photo set and boom one months worth of posting fall out boy and you can conserve your energy. But she doesnt know how to do her special interests in moderation. Im honestly just glad she went and accepted a bunch of access to her mega archive folder thingy. But shes so mad she doesnt have access to like her actual archive bc the website she used go archive everything changed their subscription plans and she has so many photos it would be like a zillion dollars she doesnt have 😭 like bogus i remember photo storing websites were so free. Take me back to 2010 for real :T Anyway she used to get so mortified when i told my friends as a teen about her blog i actually told her coworker once and her coworker somehow RETAINED the url and went home and looked at her blog and she was so upset at me 😭😭 but now like she kinda doesnt give a fuck anymore bc fall out boy was her special interest for an entire decade and she’s over it. Obviously still a big big fan but not in bandom anymore. Her new special interest is a band i introduced her to when i was 13 and its kinda cringe so i dont talk about it but she also ran an archival blog for THIS band and i told my friend at a sleepover who liked this band about her blog and they fucking FOLLOWED HER and shit bricks and my mom was MORTIFIED. But anyway yeah she doesnt gaf now if i tell people she was this blog and i even posted a tiktok about it once and people started doing detective work that would make her autistic self so proud…. Bc thats what she was good at! sleuthing stalking detective work on the band. Pete wentz privately answered several of her asks on tumblr i’ll see if she can send me the asks and their responses. But yeah she doesnt care anymore. her original url was scrubbed by tumblr and shes very angry about it bc it was an original bandom url for patrick stump so shes like wtf ever i dont wanna touch this im so mad. Which SAAAAME. ive done that so many times. She started permitting access to people who requested it for one of her photo archive website thingies she left in her last post. But yeaaaahhh… she was patrick stump for halloween in like 2008 and she won the costume contest bc she had rhe coolest sideburns and looked so much like him. My first ever concert was a fall out boy concert in spring 2007 i was 6 turning 7 within the next few months lemme just say the music video for carpel tunnel of love played on the screen as they played the song and my brother and i was so traumatized. But then immediately they played this aint a scene after that and we were like HELL YEAAAAAAAAA. And my brother (5 at the time) and i knew every single song and sang along and my mom went look at everyone else no one else knows these songs. You guys are so cool. And we looked around and yeah no one was singing the songs and were sooo excited! Oh and theres that one time she recorded us singing keep it simple by cobra starship and THEY PUT IT ON THEIR MYSPACE PAGE AT THE TOP WE FLIPPED SHIT. i wish THAT video was still up. Shes also met fall out boy so many times and walked away from patrick stump while he was talking to her bc she didnt want to take up his time at a meet and greet. Omg. so many memories. I was literally raised in online bandom thats so insane. Maybe thats why im a homosexual

#ruminating on my moms fall out boy tumblr #and how i had an oversharing / bragging problem at her expense

[z-h-i-e]

NaNoWriMo

So far, here's the score:

Spent the day fussing around trying to create an appropriate writing space at home and locate notes I needed. No dice. Did find the 2020 stickers package, though. Also the notes for Black & Gold, so maybe I can finish that.

Managed to get to the Kick-Off, but arrived 25 minutes late because GPS tricked me into heading for a different Barnes & Noble.

This is the first Kick-Off for this region that I didn't plan since 2006 (my first NaNo was 2005; I started hosting KickOffs in 2007 and I started MLing in 2009. I think 2021 was my last year MLing. Pandemic time is kind of a crapshoot in figuring things out.

Even though the 2006 one included three people glaring at me for a duration of time when they found out I write fanfiction as they sat and discussed earlier that evening that they did not think fanfiction was real writing--I still enjoyed that KickOff more than the one this evening.

The lights were bright, one of them was flashing, there was bad jazz music (and I'm a jazz musician, so I can confirm this was bad jazz) playing, electrical outlets were kind of sketchy business, and tables were tiny so basically one person per table. It was nice to see some of the long timer crew there, but I could not make words happen. In fact, I wrote two words down, then erased both of them, and crossed off a date on the page, so I think I'm at -1/50,000 right now. Pretty sure that is the opposite of what I should be doing.

Ditched early with the two other ex-MLs for the region when the host for this KickOff left (and the host was not a current ML; the current MLs were elsewhere, which is such a foreign concept for me to not be at the official KickOff, but it made me feel not bad about leaving and also helped me feel like I did a pretty good job all those years of MLing).

Did I mention there was a flashing light? Also, we were in the middle of the store, first floor, and could be looked down at from the mezzanine. Felt very 'look at the authors'-ish. Left with a headache. Smaug did find a Metallica CD, though.

As we got to the car, found that someone placed a glass bottle purposely next to my rear tire under the car in a way that had I not seen it I would have driven over it going either forward or back. Kicked it out and went on our way, but wtf? Do not try to hurt my FINROD car. Not happy with those shenanigans.

Went to Dave & Busters. Had a GREAT private KickOff party with the other ex-MLs. I have a orange sparkly rubber duckie, and Nui and I both got on the high score board for the axe throwing game. (Also: we were both VERY good at axe throwing for having never thrown axes before.)

Came home with the intention of writing. Had an Irish Cream Hot Cocoa. Yeah, writing did not happen--drank cocoa while scrolling The Tumbler.

End of Day One:

-1/50,000 Words

676 D & B Tickets

42 miles driven

1 Rubber Duckie

#nanowrimo #tempted to not write anything else and end the month with a negative word count #my average is 20 days; my best was 10 so it's still doable but idk ending with a negative number is next level nano rebel

[hornedthornz]

So I just started reading Lackadaisy and...

Seem familiar?

I’ll give you a hint:

@lackadaisycats​ please explain 

#lackadaisy #lackadaisy meme #that page was made in like 2007 wtf?? #@lackadaisy are you a time traveler??? #Loving this comic #webcomic #lackadaisy cats #Rocky lackadaisy

[howwelldoyouknowyourmoon]

To answer the question, there have been a number of documentaries on the Moon cults

Posted: Jan 24, 2021 | Updated Jan 28, 2021 For the latest version of this page, check this original on HWDYKYM. It will be updated again.

________________________________________

Question: “How is there not a legit documentary series or movie about this psycho [Sun Myung Moon]? An epic story that I feel like is unmatched and enthralling. I’m married to an ex-moonie. Your work on this page is mind blowing but epic documentation of how wild this man was and how many lives he fed off to feed his own greed, lusts and fantasies.”

________________________________________

Sun Myung Moon: The Emperor of the Universe, transcript and links “Rev Sun Myung Moon: Emperor of the Universe” documentary
.   A BBC / A&E Network co-production, 2000

___

The Resurrection of Reverend Sun Myung Moon – Transcript

___

The Tragedy of the Six Marys VIDEO transcript in English

VIDEO

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Unification Church of Japan money grab video

Translated transcript HERE

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Nansook Hong was interviewed on 60 Minutes – Transcript

VIDEO – over one million views

WBZ News on Hyo-jin Moon’s court appearances, alcohol and drug problems, driving violations, etc. LINK to the video

___

Moonwebs book by Josh Freed was made into a movie:

Ticket to Heaven    (both the movie and his reporting won awards)

Based on a true story in which the author and Ford Greene were involved.

___

In the Kingdom of Reverend Moon (2012) documentary

VIDEO

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A&E Cults and Extreme Belief

(The full documentary may be subscription only)

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VICE Guns For God: The Church of the AR-15 (Sean Moon)

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Cults, Explained | Netflix   VIDEO

This full episode of Explained looks at how cults lure people in and exert control. Learn a cult's telltale signs, and how loneliness in life and life online makes indoctrination easier than ever.

It takes an in-depth look at cults and how they lure people in and exert control. It first looks at the People's Temple at how its leader Jim Jones was using mind control to lead his followers to mass suicide. It defines cults as being led by a charismatic leader, as using forms of thought control, and as exploiting its membership. Sun Myung Moon’s cult is also featured.

___

Unification Church Mass Wedding: From Strangers to ‘I Do’

ABC News 2014

___

Ford Greene Ford Greene to a follower of Sun Myung Moon: “You think you’re learning to love – but actually you’re learning to hate! Hate sex, hate your family, hate yourself – all in the name of loving. What kind of love is that?”

Excellent podcast: Ford Greene, Attorney and Moonie De-Programmer, on the Death of Rev. Moon Podcast by Peter B. Collins from September 2012:

https://www.peterbcollins.com/podcast/PBC_20120928p607.mp3

Ford Greene webpage with full transcript of this podcast

Link to Peter B. Collins website

___

Allen Tate Wood

Allen Tate Wood on the Unification Church. Interviewed Summer 1985.

North Texas State University, part 1

North Texas State part 2



North Texas State part 3



North Texas State part 4



North Texas State part 5



Allen Tate Wood webpage with full transcript of this interview

___

Sean Hyung-jin Moon on the Six Marys and why Sun Myung Moon was God’s Providence of Restoration required him to have sex with many women.

VIDEO

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The Cult Vault #1, 3 and 45: Introduction and The Unification Church

This Introduction, #1, to the study of cults is excellent and helpful for understanding #3 and #45. LINK

___

Christopher Edwards interviewed. He authored the book, Crazy for God

1979 Chicago WMAQ Channel 5 TV interview: VIDEO

Crazy for God book

___

Talk Beliefs interviews  August 2018 Over the Moon – Escaping the Unification Church (David Hose)

Secrets of the Moonies ~ with Teddy Hose [Ex-Unification Church]

___

Documentary: Moon cult activities in Mongolia

In Mongolian with English subtitles

___

My Big Fat Moonie Wedding (2007) https://www.imdb.com/title/tt1152386/ (WTF is the point of a mass wedding??? it's hardly romantic is it?)

_____________________________________________

Writings of former Moon church members Many recount their experiences in the organization or their journeys out of it

Cult Indoctrination – and the Road to Recovery

#Sun Myung Moon #Unification Church #Moonies #cult

[johannesviii]

Top 10 Personal Favorite Hit Songs from 2005

16 to 17 years old. Finished public highschool, started public university in September. Looking back at 2003-2005 feels like looking at ten years of my life condensed in three. Exhausting.

Also we’re now past the halfway point of these lists! And this is another exceptionally good year for hits.

Disclaimers:

Keep in mind I’m using both the year-end top 100 lists from the US and from France while making these top 10 things. There’s songs in English that charted in my country way higher than they did in their home countries, or even earlier or later, so that might get surprising at times.

Of course there will be stuff in French. We suck. I know. It’s my list. Deal with it.

My musical tastes have always been terrible and I’m not a critic, just a listener and an idiot.

I have sound to color synesthesia which justifies nothing but might explain why I have trouble describing some songs in other terms than visual ones.

So I finished highschool that year. I met my best friend ever in late 2004 and we even had some sort of small crew back then! I had a bit of a crush on her but alas it wasn’t meant to be. I don’t know who invented the term ‘friendzone’ but they got its meaning completely wrong because staying friends basically forever with someone you love can be a fantastic thing. Things weren’t rosy nor perfect that year, of course, and I still was miserable at home, but I’m not sure where I’ll be today without her. She's amazing and she still lives nearby nowadays. Shoutout: if you read this, E., you pretty much saved my life.

I was still making tapes and burning CDs, still using my trusty portable cd player, and always listening to stuff while drawing during recess, sitting in a corner and doodling stuff in my sketchbook on the floor like a weird gangly goblin.

I had already started to buy Rock Mag in August 2004 but it really became my monthly ritual in 2005, and it lasted until autumn 2007. A reliable source of posters to cover my walls. At that point they were almost completely covered with paintings, drawings, torn pages from magazines and posters of Linkin Park, Mylène Farmer, Placebo and Indochine.

I also had a better access to the family computer and was a bit more involved online. Might explain why the number of singles I was buying plummeted.

It’s time once again for some (ok, many) honorable mentions!

Beverly Hills (Weezer) - I don’t even know why I like this but I do.

Bouger Bouger (Magic System) - I never understood why it was cool to make fun of these guys in my country. Their music is so happy and fun.

Holiday (Green Day) - My brother loved that band and listened to it a lot, and I was 100% fine with that.

Wake Me Up When September Ends (Green Day) - See above.

Gabriel (Najoua Belyzel) - That is so-bad-it’s-good at its finest right here.

Candy Shop (50 Cents) - As a sucker for terrible puns (HA, get it?? I’m sorry I’ll get out immediately) I can’t help it, I love this.

Love Generation (Bob Sinclar) - Stay tuned for more of this guy on another list.

Listen to Your Heart (DHT) - The original is better, but it was really nice to hear that again on the radio.

We Be Burnin’ (Sean Paul) - Not my favorite but still damn good.

Bad Day (Daniel Powter) - I even bought the single. What can I say except “relatable”.

All About Us (Tatu) - I bought that single as well. Almost made the list.

Le Bateau Blanc (Karol) - The last cut from the list. Not even kidding at all. I’m still not sure if Keane deserves to be on the list more than this to be honest.

Like it happened previously with Placebo not being elligible at all, it is a complete outrage that Precious by Depeche Mode isn’t elligible for this list. Like, what the f█ck. Playing the Angel was one of the defining albums of the year to me. I’m not even sure it would have topped the list, maybe #2, but it still feels wrong.

There’s another band who’s complete absence from this top feels kinda painful to me, considering how much I loved their new album at the time. Indeed, no single from Three Cheers For Sweet Revenge by My Chemical Romance is elligible for this list, and it feels wrooooong, man. I love I’m not okay and especially Thank You For the Venom, but even Helena would have been nice. Alas, it wasn’t meant to be.

For some unfathomable reason, Get The Party Started (Pink) and, even more unexplainable, Do You Really Want to Hurt Me (Culture Club) recharted in France in 2005 and both made the year-end top 100. The fact they are both elligible but all the stuff mentioned above this paragraph isn’t makes no sense whatsoever.

And now, the actual list!

10 - Everybody’s Changing (Keane)

US: Not on the list / FR: #48

Pretty great even though it’s not my favorite Keane song. That would be Crystal Ball. It’s fantastic and as a person who is scared, above all, by existential horror, the music video is terrifying. Sadly, it’s not elligible for my 2006 list, so Everybody’s Changing will have to be its slightly less good proxy for 2005.

9 - Et Si En Plus Ya Personne (Alain Souchon)

US: Not on the list / FR: #100

This has to be the most borderline non-elligible song ever put on one of my lists. But I’m glad it is still elligible. Remember the song on the 1993 list that I called an “anticapitalist ballad”? Well that’s the same guy. And this time it’s a song about how religion can cause both beautiful things and war, and how “the sky might be empty” because of us. It’s great. Here’s a translation. You’re welcome.

8 - F█ck Them All (Mylène Farmer)

US: Not on the list / FR: #62

Aaaaaaaaand unfortunately for everyone including myself, she’s back. Not her best song by a mile (told you it was all downhill after C’est Une Belle Journée didn’t I), but still pretty damn good, and that music video where she’s destroying bird-like scarecrows is amazing so here’s a bonus gif.

7 - Boulevard of Broken Dreams (Green Day)

US: #7 / FR: Not on the list

My brother LOVED this band and listened to it SO MUCH. And yeah, they were very good and that song might just be my favorite one from them. I don’t have much more to say about it, you all know it already. Let’s move on.

6 - Sugar We’re Going Down (Fall Out Boy)

US: #40 / FR: Not on the list

Again, it feels wrong that both Fall Out Boy AND Panic! at the Disco were elligible for this list but not My Chemical Romance. I was never a fan of these two acts, at all, and their supposed rivalry was kinda hilarious to watch from afar. With a bucket of popcorn. While listening to Three Cheers For Sweet Revenge and nodding sadly, of course.

This is still a great song, mind you.

5 - Feel Good Inc (Gorillaz)

US: #37 / FR: Not on the list (really? wtf happened)

Again, I live with someone who loves Gorillaz, so I claim overexposure.

It’s still #5 on a list based on a very, very good year.

That’s quality for you.

4 - Speed of Sound (Coldplay)

US: #57 / FR: Not on the list

A new chapter in the ascension of Coldplay from “Johannes hates this band” to “this is one of the best mainstream bands we have”. An epic saga, years in the making, and Speed of Sound was basically the last scene of Act One. Not my favorite song from X&Y (that would be Talk), but still really good. Hell, I even bought the single, and goodness knows I wasn’t buying a lot of singles anymore in 2005.

Holy shit, half of these are Benassi Bros garbage. None of them are elligible, though! Dodged a bullet there, didn’t I.

3 - Numb/Encore (JayZ + Linkin Park)

US: #93 / FR: #75

What a blessed mashup. For a few magical months in 2005, all the punk goth kids and the hiphop kids were united under this song’s banner and it felt like world peace had been achieved. It could have pissed off everybody but no! Everyone loved it instead!

“But Johannes, this is just Numb all over again with different lyrics. You can’t keep putting Linkin Park at the top of your lists forever.” Sadly no, I can’t. I know. It’s only #3. Don’t yell at me. Also, the next two songs are genuinely better, at least in my opinion!

2 - Lift Me Up (Moby)

US: Not on the list / FR: #31

I heard this on the radio and bought the album, Hotel, on the grounds that Natural Blues from 2000 was one of my favorite songs ever and than it wouldn’t hurt to actually own an album of that guy after all that time (”all that time” being only five years, but please keep in mind the past three years had felt like ten, and in my mind, they still do ; trauma is one hell of a thing). And a couple of days later that year, we went to Disneyland for my brother’s birthday, and I only had a small bag that could contain my cd player, and the earphones and nothing else. So I could only put one cd in it and that was it.

So I picked Hotel, and I basically retreated inside of it whenever my mother was starting to talk aggressively, which happened a lot in the various queues. So in the end, I listened to that cd a LOT that day and every single time, it would calm me while still being energetic enough to keep me enthusiastic for the various Disneyland rides.

Lift Me Up is energetic but cold, aerial but distant, uplifting but sinister. It was the perfect song for someone who was, at the time, trying to tone down their aggressivity and anger and trying to be masculine but in a softer way, while still staying themselves and not giving up the fight. I absolutely adore this song. It’s perfect.

It instantly joined my list of favorite songs ever that year.

1 - Mr Brightside (The Killers)

US: #16 / FR: Not on the list (this feels so wrong)

If I had to make a top ten of the hits of that entire decade, this would be #2. No debate whatsoever.

Because holy shit.

I was already sold on that band after hearing Somebody Told Me on the radio, which sadly isn’t elligible for this list (I instantly loved it, first because it was catchy as hell, but also because I love the chorus “Well somebody told me you had a boyfriend / Who looked like a girlfriend / That I had in February of last year", because as you already know I tend to be extremely literal minded and my immediate conclusion was “wow you two dated the same trans guy before and after he was out of the closet” and that was highkey relatable and no you can’t change my mind). So I bought the album about two weeks after, mostly blind, because the cd store was playing it and also because Rock Mag said it was great.

That was an understatement. Hot Fuss is one of the best albums of the entire decade and you probably know that already. The first song, Jenny Was a Friend of Mine, floored me right after putting the cd in the player and it felt like the album already reached its peak and there were still 12 tracks after that.

The very next track was Mr. Brightside. And. How do I put this.

There’s like a dozen interpretations possible for this song, and most of them are something like “this guy is so anxious and paranoid he’s gonna break up with this girl because he keeps imagining her cheating with another guy and it might not even be real.”

Now might be a good moment to remind you that at the time, I had a crush on my best friend, and was still firmly in the closet. And this song starts, as everyone knows, with “Coming out of my cage and I've been doing just fine“.

So... yeah. This is the song that accidentally convinced me the closet sucked and did nothing to deter bullies anyway, and that after more than three years of feeling mostly miserable, I should try to be myself and screw the consequences. I know it wasn’t the original intention behind that song. But still.

Godspeed, The Killers. I owe you one, guys.

Next up: Still not able to put Indochine nor Placebo on a list, OP is this close to punching a wall

#Johannes’ bad not good pretty terrible music lists #music #long post #eye contact tw

[icequeenjules26]

A drop in the ocean

Summary: Dan had been ecstatic when his manager had informed him that strictly come dancing wanted him in the next season, until he found out HE would be there.

Word Count: 12,3k

Tags: Musician!Dan, Actor!Phil, Fluff, Angst, Strictly Come Dancing AU

A/n: Written for the @phandomficfests, crossing off the prompts Dancing with the stars (Writer's choice), 2012, Pen Pals, dog, second chance, birthday, communication, Starbucks sofa, commitment, picnic and #spon! (What a list, lol) As always the biggest ever thank you goes out to my angel @succubusphan for doing everything she could so this would get done on Phannies' day!!!

Read on AO3

August 2018

 @DanIsAGod3918: This is happening oh my god

@PhilLikesMen: finally i waited forever for this

@dannyboiiiiiii: still can’t believe they worked alongside each other without ever meeting? wtf

@bisexualDan: @dannyboiiiiiii ikr but i’m so here for it

@phanwillbeathing: FUCKINGFINALLY they’ll be together and in front of cameras this is a dream come true

 Dan groaned as he scrolled through the comments on his latest instagram post. It was honestly unbelievable. How could he not have known? He couldn’t do this - he couldn’t deal with this. It had been 6 years and Dan was still hung up about it - how was that even possible?

 He didn’t want to be here, honestly, not anymore.

 He had been ecstatic at first, when his manager had informed him that strictly come dancing, UK’s very own dancing with the stars show wanted him in the next season. He was a musician, so he hadn’t even bothered to ask them - musicians at least had the rhythm it took to dance, putting them into an advantage - but they had apparently seen the making of to his newest music video.

 Which wasn’t bad, not particularly, at least - it just showed him attempting to do an easy dance routine his choreographer had designed just for him but failing miserably. He first and foremost was a pianist, with mediocre guitar skills, but even the singing part was pushing it from time to time. Dancing? Like actually, physically moving his long limbs in an attempt to look at least somewhat graceful? The word alone let laughter bubble up his chest.

 But he had tried, for the sake of his team, and if it’s that what got him into this show in the first place then he was glad he did.

Or maybe not so much, anymore.

 Not since… Him.

 He had been invited under a bit of false pretences, Dan decided - they could’ve told him they were planning to get him as well, could they not? - as he stared at the coffee table in front of him, or more specifically, his laptop, displaying an article from some sort of gossip page. Headline:

 The meeting the UK has been waiting for: Howell and Lester both starring in strictly come dancing.

 He groaned again, shutting his laptop with his foot and letting his phone drop from his hand to sling an arm over his eyes instead, sliding down his sofa until his back laid flat on it, his butt hanging from the ledge in an awkward angle, feet propped up on his coffee table. This couldn’t be happening.

 He had been good, so, so good for so long, he had momentarily forgotten what he has even good about. But, as always, life will come and fuck him over when he least expected it. He should be used to it by now.

 He had nearly done it. Nearly forgotten those piercing blue eyes. Nearly forgotten this soothing voice, the blinding smile.

 He had almost gotten over how his stomach would swoop on the sole mention of the name, how his heart would skip a beat before picking up its pace.

 This brought it all back - and not in a good way. He couldn’t do it, it wasn’t fair. It had been years and the multiple edits of them together floating through the infinite space of the internet still made him feel like his heart would get squeezed harshly inside of his chest. He had accepted it by now; he would probably never be over him. He didn’t have the right to be, either, but meeting him now… Like this… It still hurt.

 A lot.

 Like a rusty knife in his chest.

 He had managed to avoid meeting him even while working on the same movie, for fuck’s sake. He had even skipped the premiere and every other event and interview he knew he’d be present at. Now they were being forced together by a bloody dancing show, one he was excited about, sure, but not excited enough for this.

 Never for this.

 The reaction of his fandom didn’t make it any easier. He had seen the theories and shipping all over tumblr and twitter, of course, but it had been sort of inevitable, with all the stuff they had in common and the fact they were both open about their bisexuality. Now, with the movie long over, he had thought it would subside as fast as it had risen.

 It didn’t, though, and Dan had no other choice than to go through with this.

 He groaned again. Sometimes, he hated life.

 :::

 April 2004

 Dan was ecstatic when he first learned of a thing called “Pen Pals”. His Nana had explained it to him and he loved the idea of having someone, somewhere, that he had never met but could share things with nonetheless, loved the idea of writing letters back and forth, of being excited to get home from school to check the mailbox, to see if something would be in there.

 He was only ten, but he knew enough about writing letters to do it properly, he thought. He’d also get the first checked over by his Nana, that was for sure, to make sure he wouldn’t embarrass himself on the first try. He was so excited to get started, but when he took the time to go through the suggestions the teletext had for him he was gutted. Not one of the kids there seemed genuinely interesting, not enough. Some lived so close it wouldn’t be any fun to write letters, and others were just too old.

 Then he got to the last page and a large grin erupted on his face. “Phil Lester, 12, Rawtenstall. I like Sonic and crash bandicoot and i love pokemon! buffy is the best tv show ever created. I’d love to gain a friend from far away!!!” it said, and Dan knew he’d found them. The person he’d write to.

 :::

 September 2018

 So far Dan had done an incredible job at avoiding Phil. His shooting with his tall, but quirky and optimistic dancing teacher and partner Cathy went well and fast enough for him to evade Phil. He was there during the group foto, obviously, but Dan had made a point of wanting to stay on the opposite end and surprisingly, no one had caught up on it or commented on it in any kind of way. After a week of simple dancing lessons they were now about ready to start practicing for their group dance. He was running out of options.

 That was the reason he allowed himself a chill night before the first group practice. A funny netflix show was running on the TV, he had a hot cup of tea on the coffee table and Jennah had her head resting on his thigh - he was relishing in the feeling of it.

 When his phone vibrated from somewhere next to him he grumbled along with his lady. Picking it up with his left hand he brought his right one down to lazily stroke her head. “It’s okay,” he mumbled when she opened her eyes to look up at him, only paying attention to the still offensively vibrating phone when she nuzzled closer and closed her eyes again.

 “Howell,” he answered it grouchily, head sinking against the back of his sofa. “I hope this is important.”

 Apparently, life hated him.

 “Dan? It’s Louise.”

 He suppressed the urge to growl lowly in his chest, almost certain about what was to follow. “Louise,” he huffed out instead, closing his eyes and bringing his right hand up to gently massage his glabella. There was exactly one person who knew of the whole debacle Dan had had with him, and he really didn’t need to hear another lecture about it from her.

 He knew it had been his fault.

 He also knew there was no way of undoing it, even if there was nothing he wanted more than to set things right.

 Yet, she kept pushing.

 “I just got home from vacation and checked instagram.”

 Oh. That’s what this was about. She hadn’t heard it before.

 “Louise-” he started, but got interrupted almost immediately. “No! Do not Louise me, Dan! This is getting ridiculous! Why can’t you just talk to him? If not to make it right, then at least for closure. What do you think will happen, the fucking apocalypse?!” He could tell she was aggravated, gruntled. She had always wanted him to do something, to not just sit around and let it weigh heavily on his heart, and this show obviously only made it worse.

 He couldn’t hold in the growl this time. He was gritting his teeth trying to keep himself from saying something that he’d regret later, but even that was getting harder. Jennah immediately reacted to his distrust, opening her eyes and sitting up next to him before moving closer, nuzzling his shoulder. She knew how well he reacted to cuddles, and she was willing to provide them. He could only move to stroke her back in a silent thank you. “I can’t, Louise. I fucking can’t, okay?”

 He could already hear her, taking a deep breath, setting up for a monologue, but he was having none of it. “No, Louise, no. I can’t hear it anymore. You think I don’t wish for what you want me to do, every day of every fucking week? You think I like this, doing nothing, suffering in silence? Because that’s what I’ve been doing for the past six years. But as long as you haven’t miraculously invented a time machine on your vacation, there’s no way to undo this. Have you?”

 His friend on the other end stayed silent, and he could feel the tears starting to pool into his eyes. “I thought so,” he closed, his voice breaking along the way. He managed to keep it together for as long as it took him to end the call, but then he broke down, sobbing violently. His body started shaking, he didn’t know what to do, how to make it better, so he did what he always did when he needed comfort:  he threw his arms around Jennah and moved to press his face into her neck, hiding from the world.

 :::

 April 2007

 It had been two years since Dan had send his first letter to Rawtenstall near Manchester.

 Him and Phil had become fast friends and the amount of letters they were sending to each other had become ridiculous by now. Dan’s Dad had gotten mad at him for spending that much money on postal charges only a few months after the first letter and basically told him to stop being friends with Phil - or at least tone it down considerably - so they were now using his nana’s letter box so his dad wouldn’t catch him.

 Even his nana had become agitated with it after a while, so they had a deal now. Dan did chores around the house or the garden, like doing the dishes or wiping the floor, and his nana would give him postal stamps as a payment. Other kids wanted to buy candy or save the money to spend it on games, but all he wanted was to write Phil. His nana could probably make him do anything if he’d get those postal stamps in return. To him, they were worth more than diamonds.

 They had exchanged pictures of themselves and their homes, they shared their secrets with each other and knew everything there was to know about the other, and Dan reveled in it. The had even exchanged phone numbers, but they had to pay calls in minutes, so they usually didn’t call each other except for special occasions.

 Today, apparently, was such a “special occasion”.

 When Dan got out of school he didn’t even bother to go home. Instead, he walked directly to his nana, who lived right next to him. That was a normal occurrence by now - he spent most of his time here. His parents were barely home anyways and his nana was watching his little brother after school, so it didn’t even attract his parent’s attention,

 Luckily. His dad would probably not like it. Especially not the reason behind it.

 Because, obviously, Dan didn’t spend all his time at his nana’s just because he loved her so much. He did, but he was still an introvert; he loved having time for himself and not having to talk to other human beings - he did this for Phil.

 Ridiculously much he did seemed to be for Phil nowadays.

 He was waiting for a new letter that should probably arrive today or tomorrow. It usually took four or five days, sometimes six, from sending a letter to receiving one, and he had send one last wednesday. It was monday now.

 When he opened his nana’s door with his key she was already sat in the kitchen, obviously waiting for him. After greeting her he sat down his bag on a kitchen chair before taking a seat himself, snatching an apple from the fruit bowl sat in the middle of the table. “Everything okay, nana?” he asked after taking the first bite. It wasn’t usual she was waiting for him like this, she was usually up and about around the house or reading in the living room when he got home from school.

 A smirk slowly creeped onto her face as she obviously observed him closely. “A very agitated young man called around an hour ago. Said he wanted to talk to you,” she stated and he perked up immediately, eyes flying up to her face. “Phil?” he asked, almost breathlessly, and felt the heat rising through his neck all the way up to his cheeks. He cleared his throat. “I mean - Was it Phil?” He forced his voice to be calm this time, but the grin on his nana’s face had already widened and he knew she had picked up on his behaviour immediately. “It was. I told him you’d be back around now, he should be calling again in a few minutes.” She paused, raising an eyebrow mockingly. “Anything you’d like to tell me, son?”

 He could feel his cheeks heating up even more and almost desperately avoided her eyes.

He was about to start saying something, anything, when a shrill ringing interrupted him. “I’ll go,” he practically squeaked out and jumped up to run to the hallway to get the phone.

 “Phil?”, he answered it breathlessly and was rewarded with a laugh. “Dan! Take a guess who can now phone people as much as he wants without having to pay more?” greeted him an excited voice on the other line and a wide grin stretched his face in seconds. “Hm, I don’t know. Sarah Michelle Gellar?” Again there was laughter on the other side and Dan wished he’d have a way to look at the other boy’s face when he laughed. “It’s me!” was the answer and Dan could feel excitement bubbling up in his chest.

 He looked around the hallway, realizing there was nothing to sit down on while talking on the phone. Maybe they should put a chair in there somewhere. He could see himself needing it a lot in the future.

 :::::

 September 2018

 Dan’s day was not going great so far. He was exhausted, probably dehydrated and he hadn’t eaten in a few hours, but still did not have the time to catch a break. He hadn’t gotten any proper work done for months now - since he had written the music for the movie, actually - and his manager was getting nervous. Not that he could blame her, he’d promised her a line-up for his new album back in July - but that had been before Strictly come dancing had poked its head at him. He couldn’t have let this opportunity go, so he’d had to promise her he’d work while practicing for the show.

 It wasn’t working. The whole idea had been rubbish to begin with, to be honest; he’d known the show needed his whole attention and utter commitment. Stef was just ridiculously persuasive, that was the problem here.

 Still… He couldn't do it. He just couldn’t. He’d just have to talk to Stef, he decided when he let his pen drop and looked up for the first time for hours from his place on the ground in his music room, musical sheets and random pieces of lyrics scattered around him. His head was completely blank, not one idea breaking through properly.

 He wasn’t used to this. Normally he sat a pen to paper and had an almost finished song mere hours later, but now all that came out of his head was crap.

 Or a name, he realized when he got up, looking around him to get a general view of what he’d written. His name was smudged across random pages, written in large, black letters that instantly managed to catch his attention. His breath hitched. How had he not noticed he’d been doing that?

His heart hammered in his chest and tears were starting to pool in his eyes as he looked over the papers scattered across the floor. Without thinking he pulled out his phone, taking a picture and sending it to Louise. He would probably regret that later, but he didn’t even realize what he was doing in his horrified state.

 He left his music room in a hurry, closing the door behind him in panic as if he could contain the ghost of his past relationship in there, trapping it inside. How was this still getting him? How was he still basically unable to function with the thought of it, after more than six years? Why was he still unable to let go?

 Somewhere at the bottom of his heart he knew why. He knew why he couldn’t breathe at the prospect of being in the same room with him for hours - he knew what it meant that his heart was hammering in his chest every time he set foot into the studio they were practicing the group dance in.

 He knew it. Had known it the whole time.

 He was still in love with him. Six years later and the feelings he had been fighting against the whole time were still there, strong as ever.

 He knew it, but - it didn’t change anything. Not really.

 Not when he couldn’t even think his name without breaking down into tears.  

 Phil.

 :::

 April 2008

 It had been four years since Dan had written his first letter to Phil. He was fourteen now, and he spent most of his time on the internet.

 Actually, he spent the most time talking to Phil.

 Through the internet.

 He was lucky his family had still not caught up on it. He was pretty sure his nana was aware he had not just miraculously stopped talking to Phil, even though the hour long conversations in her hallway had lessened immensely; but the rest of them - especially his dad - were still in the dark about it.

 And that was honestly the only thing that was important.

 Today was a slow day so far. It was wednesday, which to him, was amazing, because it was a day he had only a few hours of school while his parents usually stayed out far longer than usual. Why, he had no idea; he just assumed it was the busiest day of their week.

 He had gotten home around an hour ago, had made himself some lunch and settled down in front of his TV to watch some mind-numbing midday show to calm himself down after school.

 Normally, he would already be talking to Phil, who usually had a slow wednesday as well, but for some reason he wasn’t picking up, neither on his skype nor on his cellphone. He wasn’t that worried yet, but he still thought it was odd. It happened from time to time that Phil wouldn’t be there that early on wednesdays, for example when his mum caught him before he could get into his room, forcing him to do stuff for her. Normally he’d at least let him know via text, so Dan was getting a little agitated by now.

 When Phil still hadn’t texted him or picked up his phone three hours after their usual skyping-time he grew increasingly worried. He seriously considered calling Phil’s landline but was a bit scared to only reach Phil’s mum - the woman didn’t seem to like him much, not that he could blame her.

 At the exact moment he was about to call, his laptop started making noises from its place next to him on his bed, indicating an incoming skype call. He accepted the call before even picking it up.

 “Phil!” he called when the video finally loaded, revealing an obviously excited Phil, eyes sparkling and hair pushed up into a messy quiff in contrast to his usual, neatly arranged fringe. “Dan!” He grinned broadly, bouncing up and down, making the video jump along with him in the process. “You won’t believe what happened!”

 Dan was unable to hide the fond smile sneaking its way onto his face. “Robert Downey Jr. joined a cult and you get to replace him in Iron Man 2?”

 He almost choked on his own spit when Phil pouted in response. He could feel warmth wandering up his neck, settling in his cheeks and knew he was probably about as red as a lobster. How could someone be so goddamn cute and handsome at the same time?

 “Sadly, no,” Phil answered before a new grin lit up his face as he clapped his hands excitedly. “But! I did just get a role!” he exclaimed, with a smile so wide Dan was surprised it didn’t split his face in half.

 “What?” he asked, almost dumbfounded, staring at his best friend as if he’d just told him the sky was green. “Are you serious?”

 “Yes! I just got home from casting, that’s why I couldn’t call earlier. I scored a role in the sixth series of Shameless!” Phil answered, excitedly bouncing up and down again, and Dan was left to do nothing but stare. The news hardly even reached his brain with the way Phil looked, excited and glowing and all focused on his screen. Focused on Dan. He secretly pressed the Print Screen key on his laptop, conserving this picture to look at it again and again and again.

 That’s when Phil’s words properly registered in his brain. “Are you serious?”, he croaked, voice raw with the emotions coursing through him. When Phil nodded he started bouncing up and down as well, completely unconsciously, beaming so brightly in the process, the muscles in his cheeks started burning almost immediately.

 “Yes! I get to act! And I’ll earn my own money!” he exclaimed, obviously still not completely able to believe it himself. Dan let out a breath he didn’t realize he’d been holding, eyes wide as he stared into the blue eyes of his best friend - the best friend who made his heart flutter and his breathing hitch. That was normal, right? That’s what best friends were supposed to do to you?

 Deep inside, he knew they were not, but he enjoyed living in denial for just a few days longer.

 “I’m so happy for you, Phil!” he replied, happiness seeping through him from his head all the way down to his toes. “What will you do with the money?” His voice was high pitched and giddy and his best friend chuckled in response.

 “Well, there’s someone I know that’s in desperate need of train tickets for his birthday…”

 Dan’s eyes sparkled so bright for the rest of the day, even his mum caught up on it hours later.

 :::

 September 2018

 As the date for the launch show drew incredibly near so did the point where he’d finally have to talk to Phil. The amount of requests for interviews with them both together were growing ridiculous and the bbc hyped it up as much as possible. He was a professional, and he got the general idea of why the bbc reacted the way they did, but that didn’t mean he liked it.

 Not really. Not at all.

 Still, when the launch show was rolling he managed to not exchange a single word with Phil. Whenever there were cameras he was at least 20 meters away from Phil so they couldn’t force them both in frame with the little time they had backstage.

 He got on stage sometimes in the middle of the show and was interviewed. It was mostly just general questions about his life at the moment, how his new album was coming along and if there was anything planned, but he truthfully answered that right now, he was entirely committed to this show. It meant a lot to him already. He was excited to learn even more about music and to dance, and when he announced that any money he’d make during it would be donated to Young Minds the audience basically flipped. He was amazed at the reaction it caused; he hadn’t expected it.

 The questions got a bit more personal afterwards. They packed it nicely, sure, asking about any Ladies or Gentlemen in his life that could be offended with his dedication to the show, but it was still basically the question of if he was in a relationship or not.

 So he decided to have a bit of fun with that.

  “Well, there’s always Stef, my manager. Oh, and my queen, of course, she’s really not amused I’m spending so much time away from home,” he answered with a chuckle, all teasingly and with a suggestive wink, hinting at something that wasn’t there. He predicted that it would grant him protection from the bbc’s shipping attempts at least for the first few shows; it was also their own fault.

 They didn’t know “my queen” ment a five year old Shakita Inu lady named Jennah after the queen in his favorite video game. Most of his fans would obviously know or at least assume that - she was all over his Instagram after all - but even that could take a while.

 He looked around when he said it, gauging the reaction it caused in the audience. He had expected everything, really, from joy to devastation from his fans, some of who were clearly sat in the audience right now; but what he did not expect… Was Phil.

 He caught sight of his face only briefly, but he could not believe what he found there.

Phil’s face was scrunched up, hurt written all over it, and when their eyes met for just a single blink, the blue was dull and washed down, more grey than colourful. He could have sworn there were tears glistening in the corner of them, threatening to fall any moment.

 But that had to be some kind of coincidence.

 It had to.

 There was no other option.

 After the interview he somehow successfully weaseled himself out of without giving away too much information, he performed his latest single, written for the movie Phil had played the leading role in. He could feel Phil’s eyes on him the whole time he played, the look burning on his skin like melted caramel, sweet and hurtful at the same time. His fingers prickled with the knowledge that those eyes were finally looking at him again, playing a song that was obviously based on their relationship.

 Not that any song that Dan had written had not been somehow based on that.

 For a brief moment, Dan wondered if Phil had realized, if he still cared. Cared that his career was basically solely based on the things Phil had told him when they were younger. Did he even realize how big his impact on Dan’s life had been? Or did he still believe the things Dan had told him six years ago to push him away?

 He didn’t know. He only knew that it hurt.

 A lot.

 When the last, sorrowful notes of the song thrummed through his fingers and his throat as he pressed the keys and sang the words, his mind provided him with the fact that their anniversary was only a few weeks away and he couldn’t stop a single tear from making its way down his cheek. His heart was throbbing forcefully in his chest and his breathing hitched the exact moment the last note had rung out. He just hoped no camera had caught that.

 Knowing his luck, they’d have it on closeup.

 ::::

 October 2009

 Dan didn’t know why, but this time things seemed to be different when he arrived at Manchester Train station. Phil seemed agitated, almost nervous when he greeted him, fiddling with his jacket and adjusting his fringe whenever his hands weren’t otherwise occupied. Dan wasn’t sure what to make of that, but decided to let it slide without much comment. He was sure whatever it was Phil would tell him as soon as he was ready. They knew each other for longer than 5 years at this point, Phil knew he could talk to him about everything.

 Instead of taking the bus back to Rawtenstall Phil lead him on a journey through Manchester. They visited sights Dan had never payed attention to and afterwards they went to get a coffee at Starbucks, sitting together closely in the booth they always occupied when they were there; so closely their whole sides were touching. Dan’s right hand laid on the table as they talked, occasionally sipping on their caramel lattes, and he itched to take Phil’s left one into his, placed just a few centimeters apart. Did Phil realize he had his palm up, basically inviting Dan to take it, or was it just coincidence?

 They continued their journey when they were both done with their coffees, talking and laughing as usual, yet, something seemed different. When they walked, their hands would brush together, and Dan could have sworn Phil’s fingertips were outstretched towards the back of his hand.

 He knew it was probably nothing more than wishful thinking, but a guy could dream, right?

 Phil still was straight up on edge when they arrived at their destination, which Dan quickly identified as the Manchester eye. Why they were there, he had no idea, but he liked it. He had been living close to London his whole life, yet never had had come around to take a ride on the London Eye.

 “Did you do it on purpose?” he asked gently when they got into the cabin, both sat on the same bench, pressed up together. “Do you remember?” The view got better and better the higher they went, but he couldn’t keep his eyes off of Phil, whose blue eyes shone brightly in the light of the setting sun.

 “Of course I remember,” Phil answered softly, eyes completely trained on Dan, “You always wanted to visit the London Eye, so I figured this is the next best thing.”

 Dan couldn’t keep the eye contact any longer, so he turned his head, looking out the other side. He could feel tears rising, that’s how overwhelmed he was with the whole gesture, but he blinked them away. “This is better,” he murmured, voice barely above a whisper.

 Then there was a hand on his cheek, gently taking a hold of his chin, turning him around until his sight was back on Phil. All the previous tension and nervousness seemed to have left his body. His movements now were confident and certain, determination shining in his eyes as they gazed into Dan’s. “Everything's better with you,” Phil whispered and Dan breathing hitched, his whole body shuddering with anticipation.

 When they finally kissed Dan realized it had been inevitable from the start. Phil’s lips felt warm, velvety, right against his own and it was like the world finally set into place. Like everything had been unsure and wavering all his life, turning and spinning around him, leaving Dan unable to ever find his footing, but now it had clicked into place and everything stood still for the first time in his life.

 After the kiss ended Phil didn’t let go of Dan. Instead he sat his hand on his cheek and pressed their foreheads together, his bright, blue eyes gazing into Dan’s as if he was the only one that would ever matter. “I like you, Dan,” he whispered, voice almost inaudible. “I really, really like you.”

 Dan’s heart stopped for a few seconds, his breath caught in his throat and he felt like the world around them had come to a crashing halt, like time had stopped for everyone but them. Was this really happening? Or was it just one of the dreams that would keep him on edge for hours afterwards, knowing it would never come true?

 He had hoped, wished for this for so long; had prayed to a god he didn’t even believe in - yet Phil had never made the first move. They had felt like a real possibility from the first time they met over a year ago on Dan’s 15th birthday, when Phil had stumbled over his words when they had hugged and his cheeks had burned crimson red. Dan would never forget that day; the day he had realized that he wanted them to end up together against all odds.

 Then his neck started burning from the way it was bend and he realized - this was real.

 It was raw, it wasn’t perfect, but it was real, and Dan could feel tears rising into his eyes. “I really, really like you too, Phil,” he answered and then Phil leaned in to kiss him again, a sob of relief breaking from his throat.

 And for that one, single moment Dan felt like they could defeat everything that would ever stand in their way.

 :::::

 October 2018

 Their anniversary had always been particularly hard on Dan. Normally he’d spent the day curled up on his couch with Jennah, eating a ridiculous amount of chocolate and drinking too much alcohol, Louise on the phone or somewhere in his flat, keeping him from doing things he would regret later on - like calling his dad; he’d done that one year, hadn’t ended well. Not really.

 This year, Dan wouldn’t be able to do that. This year, he’d even have to meet Phil at some point of the day for rehearsal, probably for longer than he’d be able to endure.

 Because that’s what he was doing, Dan realized as he checked into his hotel room, enduring Phil’s presence. It was still torture to even be in the same room as him, let alone talk to him. What would happen when Phil finally got tired of ignoring him; when his selferestrain would finally break and he’d unload six years of pent up aggression towards him?

 Dan would crack at the first word, turn around and run, public appearance be damned.

 He was just hoping it wouldn’t happen during a live broadcast.

 This week Dan had decided to screw the hotel’s room policy and bring Jennah with him. He needed her today, more than ever, he wouldn’t survive the day without her - especially not the night, when he’d have gotten back from rehearsal - after seeing Phil. Fortunately, he didn’t even get one single negative comment when he lead the lady dog into the hotel, suitcase in tow. The pretty, courteous dog got nothing but positive comments from the staff, especially when they realized how well-trained she was, following his commands immediately even when he accidentally dropped her leash. She was wary towards strangers, still hadn’t even completely accepted Louise as his friend, but she trusted him with a burning passion that overshadowed everything else.

 They finally made it up to their room and Dan didn’t feel energized enough to do anything else but flop down on the bed. Jennah, who knew she was not allowed to climb onto the bed without an explicit invitation, whined softly at him, and he didn’t have it in him to deny her request. She was incredibly sensitive of his emotions and sensed that he needed comfort, but was unable to provide it due to the distance Dan had put between them.

 He softly patted the space next to him and she jumped up immediately, laying down cuddled into his side, head gently resting on his shoulder. He drapped his arm around her, stroking her soft fur. She continued to make quiet whimper like noises, but they were less needy now, more content.

 The tears started rising without his consent. He didn’t even know what caused them, he just knew that suddenly, they were there, threatening to fall; and then there was a sob escaping his throat, the dam broke and the tears started flowing freely. He couldn’t believe this was happening.

 A few more hours and it had been nine years on the dot. Exactly nine years since Phil had made the first step, kissing him on the Manchester eye.

 Dan wanted nothing more than to kiss him again, like he had been able to until this faithful day six years ago, to kiss him and hug him and love him - but he couldn’t, and it was ripping him apart from the inside out.

 It wasn’t fair. He was aware he hadn’t always been the best person, was aware he’d made mistakes, but didn’t everyone? What was it that entitled him specifically for this sorrow, this heartbreak; a pain you wouldn’t wish upon your worst enemies?

 When it was time to head over to the studio for the final rehearsal he was barely able to let go of Jennah. He knew he couldn’t bring her with him, but that didn’t make it any easier to leave her soft fur and gentle comfort behind.

 He managed to though, eventually, tears dried and the puffiness of his eyes immensely decreased after crying for what felt like hours.

 Maybe it had been hours. Or maybe he’d stopped crying halfway through and had just laid there, cuddling Jennah and staring off into space, into nothingness, into a time where he and Phil had been together and so happy Dan had thought he might just burst any second.

 Before his world had been ripped into shreds.

 Arriving at the studio he discovered that life definitely hated him. He and Phil had never really met on camera and he’d managed to avoid him during the aftershow and even the daily talk show, but now he saw this week’s order of dancHe didn’t have it in him to say much more, his heart was itching to tell the truth and he knew he couldn’t trust himself much longer.ers and he wanted to barf or cry or die on the spot.

 It was just his luck that put him on seventh spot with Phil in eighth - the exact time they had kissed, half past seven - which meant that despite his best efforts he would definitely meet Phil today.

 Out of all the shows, why did it have to be today? Wasn’t it enough he was already laying on the ground, broken beyond repair? No, life had to send someone after him to squash him, again and again and again until he would be unable to ever get up again.

 While waiting for their turn Cathy, his dance partner, managed to keep his mind off of things. They talked and laughed and when she asked him about how his queen was doing he gladly took out his phone, showing her a few of the array of pictures he had taken on their walk last night. Her eyes started sparkling immediately. “She’s so beautiful. And she’s completely fixed on you, Dan, like you’re her everything, it’s so cute,” she gushed and Dan blushed.

 Something crashed then and he looked up, only barely catching sight of a distraught looking Phil scurrying away in a hurry.

 Surprisingly, his rehearsal went okay. He was a bit more nervous and jumpier than usual, but he was a professional, so he was able to act it off quite successfully.

 When he was done with it, though, and turned to get backstage, that’s when it all went to hell.

 Cathy had gone on ahead without him, claiming to desperately need water, so there was no one else around when he met Phil on the way. He was trying to get past him as fast as possible, but due to the passage backstage being so small there he had to brush Phil - that’s when he felt long, slender fingers reaching for him, closing around his wrist. For a moment, their eyes met and the blue was so vengeful, so cold Dan was left standing in a snowstorm.

 He stopped dead in his track, eyes wide open, staring ahead, trying to not look at Phil, to not give him any more openings.

 Because this was it, Dan thought; this was the moment his carefully mended heart would get smashed into pieces all over again.

 Phil moved his face next to Dan, so close he could feel Phil’s breath on his skin, leaving goosebumps in its wake. “I hope she’s good enough for you,” he hissed into Dan’s ear, voice so cold it froze the remaining pieces of Dan’s heart. They clinked a melody as they burst, a melody sounding dangerously like the song Dan had written for the movie, the song Dan had written solely for the purpose of reaching Phil.

 He didn’t even know how he got away. Maybe he hadn’t, maybe Phil had just moved past him and let him stand there, desperately clinging to the remaining shards of his heart. They seared him as he tried to hold on to them, but he didn’t even feel it anymore. The pain was gone, all that was left was a numbness that could’ve, should’ve scared him.

 The next thing he knew he was sitting on a sofa in one of the resting rooms backstage, a bottle of water in his hands. He could hear people walking by in the hallway, but he was completely alone, which he was more than glad for. Streaks of tears were running down his cheeks as he sobbed quietly, and all he wanted to do was to get to Jennah, to press his face into her soft fur and accepting the knowledge that yes, he would never be okay again, but it didn’t matter as long is this amazing creature loved him.

 The opening of a door tore him out of his thoughts and he stood up reflexively. He had hoped that maybe, it was Cathy checking in on him or one of the crew members informing him that he could go back to the hotel now, but no.

 No. It was Phil.

 Of course it was.

 He looked horrible. His form was hunched over, as if he barely had the strength to hold himself up anymore and his eyes were red and swollen with tears running down his cheeks.

 Dan took an unconscious step forwards, moving to comfort Phil, until he realized that he had lost all privilege to do so years ago.

 How was he still not used to that, he wondered briefly when Phil finally raised his head and their eyes met.

 “You know,” he started, voice hoarse and barely above a whisper, “I want to forgive you. I want to forgive you so that -” His voice broke and he took a deep breath - or maybe it was a sob. Dan couldn’t be sure.  “So that I can stop.” He got louder, more confident and Dan wanted to say something, anything, but he was frozen, unable to move or even breathe.

 “Stop thinking of what you did to me… Stop thinking of you,” he continued and fresh tears sprang into Dan’s eyes, a pain in his chest, so soaring he was sure it would consume him any moment.

 “Forgive you, so that I never have to think of you ever again… Because I refuse to.” Phil’s voice broke again as a sob rattled him, new tears spilling from his eyes and he looked so broken Dan’s heart was pierced by a million spears all at once.

 Just for a second it was quiet, complete silence engulfing them aside from the distinct chatter coming from somewhere down the hallway. Not that Dan even registered it as they continued to stare into each others eyes, a pain soaring through his body like howling flames, burning their way through his veins, leaving behind nothing but destruction.

“But I can’t.” Phil sobbed again and finally looked away, down to the ground before he lifted his gaze again, staring dead into Dan’s eyes. “I want to, so, so desperately, but I can’t.”

 He didn’t even wait for Dan to react, not for the hurried “Phil, wait!” Dan finally managed to throw after him, only released from the spell that had kept him rooted to the spot when they broke eye contact, nor for the sob that fought its way up his throat. He just turned around and left Dan to break down on his own.

 :::

 June 2012

 Dan’s nineteenth birthday was the most beautiful one he’d ever had.

 Firstly, he was in a generally good place in life. He had finally started pursuing music as a real career option after Phil had practically begged him to for years and had gotten his first contract a few weeks ago. His parents were surprisingly okay with it - or at least his mum was - and his nana was the most encouraging he’d ever seen her.

 Secondly, Phil was the most amazing boyfriend he ever could’ve asked for. He was supporting Dan’s every decision, he was thoughtful and attentive and, quite frankly, hot as fuck. He always took Dan’s opinions into account when he made decisions and was considerate of whatever problems Dan had - which were, mostly, about the fact that Dan’s parents still didn’t know of either the fact that he was still in contact with Phil, nor about Dan’s sexuality - let alone his relationship to Phil. It didn’t make things easy, but now that Phil earned a lot of money he sponsored Dan a train ticket every other weekend - at least when he wasn’t away for whatever acting role he was doing at the time. It was a system that worked for them, and Dan didn’t care about anything else.

 And thirdly, his amazing boyfriend had managed to get some time off from filming so they could spend a few precious days together over his birthday.

 Spending time together got increasingly difficult with Phil’s rising popularity, but they spent a week all alone in the cottage that Phil’s parents owned, a cottage on top of a cliff on the isle of man. They went on a picnic on the beach almost every day, and it was during one of those on monday, his actual birthday, when Phil gifted him with a key to his new flat in London and a speech soaked with the love he felt for him.

 Dan had never felt more like flying than he did in this moment.

 Unfortunately, that only made his fall even harder.

 When he got home on thursday the atmosphere at home seemed weird from the very first moment he stepped through the door. He was well rested and had been in a bliss-like state the whole week, but now he got anxious when he climbed the stairs to his bedroom, suitcase in tow.

 His suspicions got verified when he pushed the doors to his bedroom open and revealed his little brother, hunched over on the edge of his bed, clutching a pillow to his belly and sobbing loudly.

 Dan closed the door behind him and hurdled over to his little brother. “Adrian!” he murmured apprehensively, moving to sling an arm around the boy’s shoulders. “My god, what’s wrong?”

 “I-i’m s-so sorry, D-Dan,” he squeezed out in between sobs. Dan tried to comfort him, gently murmuring encouraging nonsense, until Adrian had calmed down a bit, at least enough to form semi-coherent sentences. “I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to, I swear, I was just looking at the pictures and dad came in and-”

 Dan’s blood froze in his veins, his heart stopped and the hand on his brother’s arm clenched involuntarily. “What did he see,” he clenched out between gritted teeth, missing the questioning tone but Adrian answered him anyway. “One of the picture of you and Phil kissing. I’m so sorry.”

 Dan didn’t even hear him anymore. He felt like the world had been pulled out from under his feet and he was falling, tumbling down an endless cliff he had no idea how to get out of.

 His dad choose this exact moment to storm into the room, looking about ready to murder his innocent child. “We need to talk, Dan,” he said in a monotone voice, but his eyes were so aggressive Dan wanted nothing else but to curl up into a ball and hide. It’s fine, he wanted to make himself believe, you can just go and live with Phil if he throws you out.

 But it went worse than he had feared.

 It turned out his father didn’t want him out of the house, now that he was on his way to success in the music industry, and he had his way of forcing him to stay. Instead of screaming at him, threatening him to throw him out, he blackmailed Dan.

 He still screamed, a lot, about what a disgrace he was and why, out of all the males in this country, it had to be this one. Dan strongly assumed it wouldn’t have made any difference if it would’ve been Prince Harry or whatever other male member of the royal family, but he kept his mouth shut.

 He briefly toyed with the idea to jump in to defend Phil, to tell his father that he was a successful actor and an amazing person, but he didn’t give him the chance to say anything.

 “I want him out of your life. You are going to cut every and all ties to that filth and will not contact him again in any kind of way. That clear?” His father’s voice had gone from screaming to hissing and the volume had gone down considerably, but his eyes stayed the same, fixing Dan in a gaze harder than steel. He took a deep breath. That was it. That was him standing up to his father for the first time in his life.

 “Why?” he asked, eyes set dead on him, “Why would I do that? I love him, Dad. I’ll stay with him, no matter what you say. I don’t care what you’ll do to me.” He was proud his voice didn’t break or falter in the slightest, and for a moment he thought that he’d done it, that he’d won.

 Then a smirk creeped onto his father’s face and he knew something was about to go terribly wrong.

 “You might not care about yourself”, his father said, voice cheerful like he knew he was about to ruin Dan’s life, and he liked it. “But don’t you care about your boyfriend?” Dan hadn’t been aware that the term boyfriend could sound like a slur, but suddenly it did. “I have acquired some pictures the public might find incredibly interesting…”

 Dan hadn’t noticed it before, but his father had Dan’s old laptop open on the table in front of him; the very laptop he had given his little brother because he had gotten himself a new one from his first self-earned money.

 Dan already knew what he would see there when his father turned it around. He had transferred, but forgotten to delete all the pictures he had saved on there, including a variety of ones of Phil and him, cuddling, kissing - happy. Maybe he hadn’t even particularly cared to delete them, considering Adrian was aware of Dan’s relationship, had been for a long time. He had been happy for him and the warmth Dan had always felt at the prospect had frozen to solid ice now.

 Tears started prickling in his eyes and it took all his willpower to suppress the sob that was threatening to rip from his throat. He knew what his father was suggesting. He was obviously waiting for Dan to make a choice - but they both knew there was no choice to make.

 The crushing realization that he would give into his father’s blackmail made his heart shatter into a million pieces, but there was nothing he could do about it. The public had become much more open about those topics, but they both knew a sexuality scandal would be enough to destroy Phil’s entire career.

 They also both knew Dan couldn’t do that to Phil - not even risk it. His father had his resources, and when he wanted to know of every interaction between Dan and Phil, then he would.

 So Dan had to end it. For good.

 He was given the chance of one last skype call to break up with Phil. He knew he wasn’t the best actor and that Phil would be able to tell he’d been crying and how incredibly crushed he was, so he had to make sure that Phil wouldn’t realize, make him preoccupied with himself.

 He had to play into Phil’s insecurities. He hated himself for it, but it needed to be done; even if it tore him apart in the process.

 Phil greeted him in his usual, cheerful voice when the call connected and Dan could already feel the tears starting to rise, a sob threatening to escape his throat. There was a weight on his chest, so heavy he didn’t know how he was able to stay in an upright position. He carefully plastered an indifferent mask onto his face while his mind went back in time to keep the tears at bay; back to his birthday, back when he’d been so happy he hadn’t even known what to do with all the happiness.

 He cut right to the case, unable to put off the evil any longer.

 “Phil.. I can’t do this any longer. I have tried, but… I can’t. You’re just…” His throat constricted and he almost had to gag. He had never said words more untrue in his entire life. “You’re not good enough for me.”

 He couldn’t look Phil in the eyes as he said it. He didn’t want to see the pain, the sorrow; didn’t want to hear the sobs and the pleeds. He wanted away. Far, far away; to a place where he and Phil could be happy… Could be together.

 He felt like a monster.

 Would feel like one for a long time.

  “But I love you!” Phil pleaded. Dan’s heart constricted in his chest. His palms were probably ripped open with the force he pressed his nails into them, trying to keep himself from breaking.

 He didn’t have it in him to say much more, his heart was itching to tell the truth and he knew he wouldn’t be able to keep his facade much longer. He couldn’t help but let a tiny, incredibly quiet “I’m sorry, I love you” slip out, but it was drowned out by Phil’s cries.

 Louder, he said “We’re done. Don’t contact me ever again,” ended the call and forced himself to block Phil on any and all social media.

 Only then did he allow himself to break down.

 He knocked the glass from his bedside table as he started wailing, crumbling apart; and he watched it fall to the ground and shatter into a million pieces…

 Just like his heart.

 ::::

 October 2018

 Dan didn’t know how he made it back to his hotel room. He only knew Jennah was already waiting for him by the door as he stumbled inside, whining when she saw his state. She was by his side immediately, whimpering as she pressed her head to his thigh.

 He didn’t even make it to the bed. Instead, he sunk to the ground right there, back pressed against the door. Jennah didn’t waste any time to cuddle into his side nuzzling his shoulder. He raised his hand to stroke her ears and she rewarded him with a soft whimper, nearly drowning the sound of his sobs.

 He couldn't do this any longer. He had endured the pain for six years but now It felt like he had reached his breaking point. he couldn't do it one single second longer. He was at his breaking point.

 He skurried a bit to fumble out the phone hidden in the front pocket of his black skinny jeans. Jennah continued to provide comfort, and he appreciated it more than anything else, but he needed more. He needed his best friend.

 He had to discover that the reception in the hotel was more than bad, though, so he had no other choice but to drag himself across the room to the balcony. He slumped down again when he was outside, sliding down with his back pressed against the glass. It was the middle of October and only around six pm, but it was almost completely dark outside already. He could see the stars from where he sat and briefly wished he would be up there, somewhere far, far away, where the way his heart had been crushed meant nothing anymore.

 He was aware there was no such place, no matter how far away. But for a moment, he let himself dream.

 Until Jennah’s wet snout nuzzled into his hands.

She was back at his side again, a chocolate bar held carefully in her snout, and he wanted to cry again, out of love for this wonderful creature. “Thank you. I love you so much,” he whispered and ruffled the fur between her ears affectionately, taking the chocolate and ripping the wrapping open to take a bite. It was a bit inconvenient with one hand, considering he still held his phone in the other, but -

 Wait. Phone, balcony…

 Right. Louise.

 He dialed her number as he swallowed the first bite of chocolate.

 She picked up on the first ring. “Dan. How are you doing?” she asked, gently and caring, and suddenly there was warmth spreading through his chest. “I’m okay,” he tried, but his voice was croaky and hollow and he didn’t even believe himself.

 “Oh, honey. What happened?” Of course she wasn’t fooled. He shouldn’t even have tried.

 “I.. He… He talked to me.” He cuddled into Jennah for the extra comfort as he talked, who sat pressed into his side, a bastion of calm in the middle of the storm that was his pain.

 That’s how he told Louise everything that had happened. How they had passed each other in the entry to the stage. How Phil had come back to talk to him, what he had said, how broken he had looked. He started crying somewhere halfway through the story and there was some kind of rustling on the balcony beside his, indicating there was someone there, but he didn’t care.

 “Oh, Dan,” she whispered when he was done, and he could almost feel her embrace. He was so accustomed to her present, especially on this particular day, and it was strange to not have her there with him. He sobbed again. “It’s just,” he croaked, new tears spilling from his eyes, “In the end he’s right. It’s my fault. What happened is my fault and I just -” He halted, unsure of how to continue. “How could I do this to him?”

  “It’s not your fault, Dan,” Louise remarked, voice still soft, obviously scared to make his breakdown even worse by unsettling him.

 In the end, maybe it was that what unsettled him the most. The carefulness, the way she treated him like he was a small child or a wild animal, like he could get spooked and run away every second. “But it was!” he cried, louder now, and Jennah next to him howled lowly. “There has to be something I could have done differently! I could’ve tried fighting my dad, or try to make him see reason! Or at least something to make Phil understand I did it just to save him and his career!”

 It was silent for a while before he continued, and he knew she kept quiet just to let him get it out. “I was just so scared. I loved… Love him so much, Louise. Everything I did was just for him.” There was a broken sob from somewhere to his right and he froze immediately. For a second he thought it had been him, choking out a sob unintentionally, but Jennah’s head was turned over to the right too, staring intensely into the darkness. Again, there was rustling on the balcony there, a sound like a door sliding closed. His lady dog growled lowly for a second, but then complete silent engulfed them both, aside from the voice of Louise in his ear, murmuring soothing words.

 He was starting to think he’d imagined it all when there was a harsh knock on his door. He sat there, frozen, head turned to look through the glass pane, across his room to where the sound came from. He sat completely still, a hand laid on top of Jennah’s head tentatively to keep her quiet. A few seconds the knock came back, louder this time, more insistent. “Dan, open the door!” a voice shouted from the outside and his breathing itched. That had almost sounded like…

 “Phil?!” he questioned quietly, talking to himself, which made Louise quiet down on the other end of his still going phone call. “Louise I think… I think Phil is at my door,” he whispered into the device, unsure of how to proceed. “What are you doing still on the phone then?! Go talk to him!” she insisted in a high-pitched voice and had hung up on him before he could even react.

 “Dan! I know you’re there! Open the goddamn door!” the voice shouted again and there was more knocking. For a second he looked between his phone and the door, unsure of what to do, but then he got up and made his way inside of the room. Jennah followed him cautiously, but he stopped by the bed. “Can you stay here for me, love?” he asked her, pointing to the ground she stood on, and she sat down reluctantly, throwing him a look that was clearly not amused and slightly worried. “I’ll be fine,” he whispered and moved forward. He turned on the soft light on the headboard of the bed through the switch by the door before he opened.

 In front of it stood Phil, hair ruffled, cheeks reddened, if from the shouting or the obvious tears, Dan couldn’t be sure. He marched into the room, brushing past Dan as if he hadn’t even seen him, but stopped dead in his tracks when he spotted the dog still patiently sitting next to the bed.

 It was silent for a while after Dan had shut the door. Phil stared at his dog as she stared right back, silently estimating each other, and Dan stood slightly to the side, gaze switching between them like he was watching a tennis match.

 “Come here, girl. It’s okay,” he said after a while in the direction of his dog, who stood up silently and made her way over to them. She let Dan stroke her fur before she bravely marched forward, right up to Phil. Dan held his breath as he watched her generously accepting Phil’s outstretched hand, letting him pet her.

 “Phil, meet Jennah,” he introduced them, and Phil, who had crouched down to be on eyelevel with his dog, stopped dead in his track, head wiping up to meet Dan’s gaze for the first time since he marched through the door. His eyes were blue, so blue in the soft light and Dan’s heart constricted in his chest. He felt like drowning.

 “Jennah?” Phil whispered questioningly, eyes wide, still stroking the dog’s fur, “as in… Queen Jennah?”

 He whipped his head around, looking between Dan and his dog as he obviously made the connection. “She’s not a girl,” he stated, louder this time, “When you said your Queen you… You meant your dog?”

 Dan just nodded. He didn’t trust his voice in this moment. The weight of the situation came crashing down on him, and he felt himself swaying a bit. He moved over to the couch in the corner of the room, sinking down on it, closely followed by Phil and Jennah.

 “I thought…” Phil murmured to himself as he sat down quite close to Dan, not quite touching, but it was a close call. “You thought I was talking about my girlfriend,” Dan stated in a matter-of-fact tone as he pulled his legs up to his body, leaning against the backrest of the couch. Jennah sat right in front of it, her head cramped on the couch in the small space between his and Phil’s leg.

 “Yes,” Phil answered breathlessly, absently stroking Jennah’s fur, staring at her like he couldn’t quite believe she was real. “She likes you,” Dan declared fondly, full of affection, “She doesn’t even let Louise that close. And she usually sits her when I’m gone.”

 “Is that who you were talking to?” Phil asked softly, turning his head over to Dan now, who tensed up immediately at the question. This was it, then. They would talk about this, right now.

 His heart was beating wildly in his chest and a light feeling bubbled up in the pit of his stomach, a feeling he couldn’t quite place… Not until he recognized it as something that he had deemed impossible for a long time now. Was that... Hope?

 “Yeah,” he answered, and his voice was deep and husky and nearly broke halfway through this one single word. He was so nervous he couldn’t even hope to control his breathing and had to wrap his arms around his legs to keep his hands from shaking.

 “How much did you hear?” he whispered, stoically staring ahead, avoiding Phil’s eyes. “Pretty much everything, I think,” Phil answered and Dan’s heart almost leaped out of his chest. Oh god, what was he supposed to do?

 He started chewing on his lower lip as he took a deep, but quivering breath. “What happened back then, Dan?” Phil asked softly, body completely shifted into Dan’s direction now, one leg folded under the other to allow him to sit sideways. He was still stroking Jennah’s fur absently with one hand and the lady dog savoured it with closed eyes. Traitor.

 For a second, Dan didn’t know how to breathe. He shot a quick glance over to Phil, to his eyes, and he wasn’t sure if the look in them made it easier or harder to say what he had to say. There was something in there… Something speaking of feelings Dan had contemplated as long-lost. He shuddered.

 “I was… So happy with you that week, Phil,” Dan whispered, tears nearly choking him as they silently started rising into his eyes again. Where he even took them from anymore, he couldn’t be sure. “But when I came home I…” His throat constricted heavily and he had to suppress a retch. “My little brother sat on my bed, crying. Telling me he was sorry and that it was an accident.” His voice was unbelievably quiet now and completely breathless, and he felt Phil leaning in closer to understand what he was saying. “I had given him my old laptop before we went to the isle of man, do you remember?”

 He took the courage to look over to Phil again, who nodded. “You were so proud you made money with your music,” Phil reminisced tentatively, matching his volume to Dan’s, “So you went and bought yourself a new laptop from it.” He chuckled lowly. “You were so excited, said you’d finally be able to see me when we skyped.”

 Dan nodded back and had to close his eyes for a moment to keep the tears at bay. “I had forgotten to delete the old pictures still on there. Or maybe I just didn’t do it, I can’t even remember. Adrian knew and I didn’t-” A choking sound escaped his throat before he was able to continue. “I didn’t think it would matter,” he closed breathlessly, so quiet the blood pounding in his ears drowned out his own voice.

 It was at this moment Phil obviously made the connection. He shot up from his hunched-over sitting and stared at Dan, wide-eyed. “Your father saw the pictures?” he asked and Dan could see the shock in his eyes.

 “He barged in on Adrian as he looked through them,” Dan confirmed, his voice back to a slightly louder volume. He shook his head. “He was so shocked, Phil. Full of guilt.”

 Phil sucked in a sharp breath. “What did your father do?”, he asked, tears clogging up his throat on their way up. Dan could feel his eyes on him as he moved to burrow his face against his knees. “Oh god, Dan, what did he do?” There was a panic in his voice now and Dan failed to keep the next sob from breaking out.

 He raised his head, tears stinging in his eyes as he looked over to Phil. “He blackmailed me, Phil. My own father. He told me... “ His voice broke and Jennah whimpered from her place on the ground, sensing his pain. “He told me he’d out you in public if I wouldn’t cut all ties to you.” He was full-on crying now and before he knew it, Phil was suddenly there, taking him into his arms, gently stroking his back. Jennah nuzzled his thigh and he moved one hand to gently caress her head.

 “I’m so, so sorry Phil,” he squeezed out in between sobs, burying his head in the crock of Phil’s neck. “I was so scared he would destroy your career. He would have found out when I would have tried talking to you in secret and I just... I couldn’t let him do that to you. I loved you so much.”

 For some time he just sat there, crying as Phil held him in his arms, mumbling soothing words and gently rubbing his back.

 It was Phil who eventually broke the silence, long after his cries and broken sobs had rung out. “Out there on the balcony, when you talked to Louise, you said…” He let his voice fade out and Dan could feel him swallowing heavily. “You corrected yourself. You said…”

 Dan knew what he wanted to say. “I said I still love you.”

 He felt Phil nodding, felt his hand tremble as it rubbed circles into his back. He uprighted himself, staring straight into Phil’s blue eyes.

 I was now or never.

 “It’s true, Phil,” he whispered, voice hoarse as he stared. “I love you. I never stopped. It’s been six years and I just...” He let his head hanging down, closing his eyes. “I could never forget you. You were always there. I couldn’t even watch you on TV without breaking into tears because of how much I missed you.”

 Suddenly, there was a hand on his cheek and he opened his eyes, wordlessly staring into Phil’s. The blue was shining brightly and there was a smile on his face, so wide Dan was sure it hurt. “I love you too, Dan,” he said, his voice full of joy and happiness - and love. “I love you too, oh my god, I never stopped. I wanted to, so badly, but I couldn’t.”

 There was a moment of silent communication, of Phil asking for permission and Dan granting it, and then they moved forward in utter synchronicity until their lips met in the middle in a kiss so sweet it would put every candyfloss to shame. Somewhere in the room the needle of the wall clock ticked half past seven.

 When they broke the kiss to come up for air it was quiet for a moment as they looked into each other’s eyes, and then they were crying; crying and laughing and reveling in happiness, Jennah cheerfully barking back at them.

 “Can you… Will you give us a second chance?” Dan asked when they both had calmed down considerably, holding Phil’s hands in his, thumbs moving over the smooth skin on their backs; still unbelieving of the fact that he was allowed to feel it again.

 There were tears in his eyes as Phil looked at Dan, silently, and then he was laughing as the tears started falling. “Of course. Of course, Dan, of course. I would like nothing more than to be with you again.”

 This time, the kiss was a bit less sweet, a bit more heated, and it lasted a lot longer - at least until Jennah, obviously dissatisfied of being left out, was suddenly there, running her tongue across both of their faces.

 “Jennah!”, they both screeched in unison, laughing at the Shiba and Akita Inu Mix, who had her forelegs on the sofa to reach their faces, her tail energetically wagging around as she whoof-ed at them happily.

 They all slept in Dan’s bed that night, closely cuddled together, Dan with his head on Phil’s chest with Jennah somewhere in between.

 Four weeks later when, in the middle of a show, Dan heard about the fact that both him and Phil had been nominated for the german filmfest Berlinale, indicating that they were strong contestants for the upcoming Oscar-Nominations, he didn’t even hesitate. He ran right on stage after Phil’s dance, catching him in a bone-crushing hug. He told Phil what he had heard, tears of happiness in his eyes. Again, there was some sort of silent communication and then Phil was kissing Dan, right in the middle of the dance floor, in front of millions of viewers.

 They didn’t care they all knew - all that mattered was the happiness radiating between them.

#phan #phanfiction #dnp #phanfic au #my writing

[crystalracing]

Kimi Raikkonen 2008: Connecting the "dots"

September 10, 2013 UPDATE:  Today, Ferrari announced Kimi's re-signing for 2014 F1 season as a SF driver.   In many ways this is a confirmation of what we have been saying all along that Kimi's ousting at the end of his first stint took place under a totally unusual circumstances which had nothing to do with his racing and driving abilities.

I'll continue to update this documentary blog as new information becomes available but judging from the visitor traffic to this blog a lot of people are now even more curious as to why would Ferrari re-employ Kimi if in fact all those reasons and justifications to fire him were true... So, my guess is that we'll continue to learn a lot more about the details of 2008 events as the insiders continue to talk (they always do...).   We'll keep this documentary blog as an example of a Hall of Shame Piece for Formula One Journalists who have been either sleeping on the job or too scared to expose/talk about what goes on behind close doors...  

This is the working version of the article "

Why Kimi was not on top of his game in 2008"

-- the original was published in AS forum and F1Bias.com (Soren is a good friend).

Dates of events in the following timeline are important, because according to official Ferrari, or Santander accounts, and timelines most of the following did NOT take place in 2008, but in 2009.

You may read all original articles in this blog in their timeline order (starting from the bottom on the main page, all articles are posted under their original 2008 dates).

Why Kimi was not on top of his game in 2008

by wrcva

The period between April-July 2008 is probably one of the worst periods not only for Kimi’s F1 career but probably in his life.  All his life he and his family believed in hard work and doing their best to achieve good things on merit. In Kimi’s case this means putting his natural talents to best use in performing, and winning races.

2007 season was a dream come true year for Kimi.   He won the closely fought Formula One (F1) World Drivers Championship (WDC) and was ready for defending his title in 2008.   From all indications outlook for the 2008 season was pretty good, arguably conditions were even better than the 2007 season for Kimi to defend his title.

Backdrop for 2008:

 As of April, Kimi Raikkonen is already leading in WDC points 4 races into the 2008 season. Generally, life is good other than the management changes that took place at Ferrari as

Stefano Domenicali

replaced

Jean Todt

as the head of Scuderia Ferrari the 1st of January 2008. It's no secret that Todt and

Luca di Montezemolo

(LdM)

had a power struggle within Ferrari, something which lead to Todt'd eventual and swift exit. With Todt effectively out of the way from early 2008 and Domenicali, di Montezemolo's protege, in his place it was basically a different Scuderia overnight

(thanks to OSX).

"In 2007, [Todt] prepared the ground for Stefano Domenicali to succeed him as head of the Scuderia as from 1 January 2008. Then, on 18 March 2008, he resigned his position as Special Advisor to the Ferrari board, to be replaced by Amedeo Felisa. He nonetheless remained a member of the board of Ferrari for a further year before resigning all his functions within the Italian firm in March 2009."

April 27, 2008

-- FIA post-race press conf after winning Spain —

Kimi –

“It was a perfect weekend for us in Barcelona,” explained Raikkonen. “We were going really fast all the time and we didn’t have the slightest problem. Many times I have won and afterwards still had the feeling that it could have gone better. This time I did not have that feeling: this was probably the best weekend I’ve ever had in my career.”

Comment

: The guy won Spain just several days ago… then, all of a sudden Public Relations (PR) seed planting & “rumors” kick in.  It is not clear who started them but the mission was to melt the iceman because it would be terrible PR to get rid of a 2 times WDC, in the event that he managed to win the 2nd one in 2008.

In the following, partially narrated timeline, I tried to put the main news item with the earliest approx. date of first showing up (in google news based on article posting date) out of 100s or 1000s regurgitated ones for each article. They give a good glimpse into what was in Kimi’s mind as he was facing a psychological PR war, aside from racing issues during 2008.

May 1, 2008

–  

Luca di Montezemolo:

Massa’s future with the team is secure. It will be too damaging to partner Alonso with Kimi.  

Keke Rosberg:

Kimi has to make way for Alonso…

Stefano Domenicali:

Kimi is motivated from head to toe, and I know he is not thinking about retiring.“

here

.

Comment

: You can tell that they have been talking about Santander coming in as the new long term sponsor but the plan is to not to talk about it externally… This is the first time appearance of Kimi’s “motivation” by Domenicali. It is not yet used in a negative way but it is a crucial PR keyword because at this point they cannot start talking about Kimi’s performance as he is in the lead.  But, this is point the decision has been made that

Kimi has to go

. Also note the disconnect between LdM & Dom’s statements. Yes, the date is correct - May 1 2008, and Ferrari leaders are are forced to answer questions about the driver line-up, Kimi's motivation, and retirement rumors instead of talking about their win of Spanish GP several days ago.

May 8, 2008

– Niki Lauda scoffs at Alonso-to-Ferrari rumours —

"Raikkonen and Alonso together?"

former triple Formula One World Champion Lauda, 58, is quoted as saying by the German news agency DPA.

"Last year Raikkonen was champion and now he is number one. Why must we now discuss whether Alonso is going to go there?"

the great Austrian wondered.

"They already have the perfect team with Massa, so why should they bang their heads together?"

Lauda, who won two (1975, 1977) of his drivers' world titles with the Maranello based team, added.

Comment

: Hearing all kinds of rumors, Lauda is wondering WTF is going on at Ferrari as they seem to have one of the best line-ups for defending the championships they won with Kimi just six months ago... He is a racer and he simply is thinking about these rumors from the racing perspective as to why the team would change their existing WDC/WCC wining line-up... but what he does not know is that the seed is already planted about a month ago when

Emilio Botin, Fernando Alonso and Flavio Briatore

(Renault boss and Alonso's manager)

, and

Luca di Montezemolo

got together to discuss

Santander/Alonso Ferrari move

(April, 21 2008).   Interestingly, the next day

Montezemolo (April, 22 2008)

,  and subsequently

Briatore (April, 24 2008)

both denied the rumor

,

Briatore agreeing with Montezemolo that.

"When a team has two drivers equally good, the teammates become their biggest enemies. Pilots as Raikkonen and Alonso are complicated and put them in one team does not produce the best result for a team. During the last year, see the McLaren. Hamilton and Alonso lost the championship and the reason was simply because of their rivalry." -- link

So, by the first week of May 2008 Santander-Alonso-Ferrari plans were already in motion.   From this point on Ferrari's challenge is to manage the situation with the media and fans to make sure Kimi is phased out of Ferrari with minimal negative publicity for Ferrari for getting rid of their World Champion.  

May 24, 2008

– Alonso signs for Ferrari —

The word in the F1 paddock in Monte Carlo is that Fernando Alonso has just inked a deal to drive for Ferrari in 2010. No confirmation is expected for a year, and there may be denials of any arrangement, as there would obviously be some serious knock-on effects for other parties in the F1 paddock.

here

Comment

: Spanish press is going nuts over this as well at this time.. You can use google news with date filters if you want to see for yourself.   Emphasis:

do not confirm and deny until next year

— which they did…

June 6, 2008

– FIA interview —

Kimi: “

I still have a contract until the end of next year,” Raikkonen said during the press conference ahead of the Canadian Grand Prix at the Circuit Gilles Villeneuve on Thursday. “I haven’t made any decision as to whether I will keep going or not. That’s the last contract I have and we will wait and see during this year and next year what happens.” “I haven’t made my mind up and we will see.”

"I like the racing and the other stuff is not always the best thing... When there's too many things that you don't enjoy, or you think that the whole thing is not what you want any more, then it's time to go away.  

Comment

: (this is the GP Hamilton rear ended Kimi) — why would this contract issue come up in the FIA press conference?   You can tell internal discussions about his departure is well underway.  Yet, we are only 7 races into the season…

July 10, 2008

–  German magazine Sport Bild

According to popular German magazine Sport Bild, it would seem that Spanish bank Santander would be moving from sponsoring McLaren to become one of Ferrari’s top sponsors from 2009 onwards. The big bank would have their adverts on the front and rear wings, alongside lettering on the drivers overalls. Ferrari have been touting for a new top sponsor since cigarette advertisers were not allowed in many countries, Marlboro being the major backer for many years. With a contract with Marlboro still in place, hash markings would still be on the cars. For the Scuderia though, Santander have said the major condition of their deal is that former World Champion Fernando Alonso would drive for the team. He won’t confirm his future, and will not comment until September.

here

Comment

:

Santander-Ferrari-Alonso deal is done at this time but negotiations with Kimi are in full force. Look at the desired date for the sponsorship… Now, how did Alonso come up with that

September

date, unless he red Kimi’s contract, and is familiar with the performance / and renewal options Kimi could exercise?   I think that is an accidental slip up by the Spaniard because the September date was significant only to Kimi’s contract.   He cannot comment on what will happen because they do not know what Kimi will do yet – as Ferrari is still negotiating! (see Sep 12 news, in the following).

July 11-19, 2008

--  Kimi's front suspension is updated sometime between these dates..

According to Interview with Ferrari team principle Domenicali on December 16 2008, this is the point Kimi lost his front suspension.   From all indications this was a surprise to Kimi, given how sensitive he is to changes made on the car.  

Question to Domenicali by Autosprint:

Did Kimi share his problems with you? - We always talk with each other and argue about general technical issues. From the technical point of view he was dissatisfied with front suspension, and it didn't work the way he wanted. The front suspension to suit him was a recurrent topic of our discussions. How fast did you discover that? - In midseason. We changed the suspension in Germany and returned it for Kimi in Monza.

In this interview Domenicali misspoke.  Kimi got his old suspension back in Singapore, not Monza. This issue is also alluded to by Michael Scumacher who is in charge of car development and updates:

“In a way it is his (Kimi's) strength that he has a very focused vision, and maybe sometimes it doesn't always help him. We could maybe help him more if he would ask for it,”

said Schumacher in an interview for BBC earlier yesterday. The German insisted that part of Kimi's loss in form in the second part of the season was because the Fin failed to adapt to the new developments introduced by Ferrari in the mid-season. “I think I have to protect him in many ways, because in the middle of the season we made some developments to the car but Kimi simply didn't get on with these ones. The moment we went back to those changes, we got him back to competitive lap times," link

Here, if we look at the WDC points table, from mid-July to the end of September Kimi was able to score only 9 points in 6 GPs. Surely, there was some bad luck involved as well...

July 20 2008

-- FIA -

German Grand Prix

Post Race driver quotes:

Look at Kimi's reaction in the interview in his own words:

"This was definitely not the kind of race we had been hoping for. We have struggled all weekend and we have to try and understand why. Usually, our race pace is always good, but today that was not the case, because I almost always suffered with a lack of grip: only in the final stages did the situation improve a little bit, but it was never enough to be competitive. We have a test in Jerez, where we will try and improve the car so as to arrive in Budapest in better shape. This is definitely not a crisis, but we have to study carefully the handling of the car to understand if we have taken the right road in terms of development." Source: http://www.formula1.com/news/headlines/2008/7/8126.html

Comment

:  Mr. Schumacher definitely knew what was the deal but maybe he did not have a chance to inform Kimi that his front suspension was totally different for the German GP...  This also amplifies the communication and turf problems between Domenicali and Schumacher.

Now, imagine or try to visualize what would Schumacher himself (as a driver) or Alonso would have done after learning the fact that their front suspension was replaced without their knowledge or they were not invited to driver debriefs... not a pretty picture huh.

Interestingly, Schumacher made another comment back in early April about Massa with a prediction.  At the time, it was not a big deal but hindsight his support for Massa, and willingness to predict his WDC chances, given his 3rd and development driver role for Ferrari, further supports the timeline that he knew a bit more...

"He (Massa) has zero points for the season, so it is not the best of starts ... he has played his jokers so far, and doesn't really have any more jokers to play,"

"But things will turn around very quickly I think in his favour. He is certainly still very capable of winning the championship this year.

"If Massa wins the championship at the end of the year, nobody will care or remember about the start of the season." (link)

July 31, 2008

– FIA Thursday press conference - Hungary

Question: People are talking about you retiring, not necessarily at the end of this year but at the end of next year. Are there any thoughts on that?

KR:

I never said anything like that. I only said that I have a contract until the end of next year and then somebody made up that I will stop at the end of this year or the end of next year, but I never said that.

here

Comment

: Guess who is propagating retirement rumors?   This is a pretty major PR war against Kimi… and they are wearing him out. You know, all by itself, it is pretty hard to fight for the WDC – even when you have full support from the team…

Aug 24, 2008

– FIA post-race press con –

Massa: “My win in Valencia moves me ahead of Kimi into second place in the championship. I’ve been asked if I feel Ferrari should favour me for the title since there are just six races remaining. All I can say is that I want to keep winning, to keep beating not just my teammate (Kimi Raikkonen) but others too,” Massa was quoted as saying on the Ferrari website. The Brazilian, who is on 64 points, six behind the leader Lewis Hamilton, further added that he has got nothing to do with such decisions. “I just do the best possible job for the team and leave the rest to the management,” he added.

Raikkonen is third on the table with 57 points. Meanwhile, Kimi has rubbished the claim that he lacks motivation.“Next week, we will go to Spa (venue of the next Grand Prix). I love this track. I will give it all to win again. If someone has doubt as far as my motivation is concerned: go ahead. I want to win. More than ever,” he said on the Ferrari website.

Comment

: Since April, Kimi’s lack of motivation stories have been propagating into millions of articles, blog and forum posts. (Google is your friend). Motivation is the keyword because they still cannot talk about performance…

Sep 12, 2008

– Ferrari confirm Raikkonen to end of 2010 —

Ferrari have announced an extension to Kimi Raikkonen’s contract for a further two seasons, keeping the world champion with the Italian team until the end of 2010. With Raikkonen’s teammate Felipe Massa also under contract for that period, it means Ferrari’s race line-up will remain unchanged until at least the start of their 2011 campaign. Raikkonen joined Ferrari from McLaren last season, while Massa has been with the team since 2006. The announcement should end media speculation suggesting that Raikkonen may retire at the end of this season.

here

Comment

: This is the automatic contract renewal option Kimi is exercising to increase the Santander/Ferrari payout based on exceeding his performance benchmarks on his contract.  He knows he is done with Ferrari… and if he could find a way, he could have left by the end of 2008.  He is loosing the PR war, but trying to secure finances in negotiations.  I also think this is the point that Kimi's generally cooperative relationship with LdM went south.  (read about

Kimi's contract

)

Sep 12, 2008

– Alonso "Kimi deal has no impact"

Fernando Alonso insists that Kimi Raikkonen's extended Ferrari deal has not put a dent in his plans for the future.  Ferrari announced on Friday that Raikkonen had extended his contract and would remain with the Scuderia until the end of 2010.

 This put an end to reports that Alonso could be heading to Ferrari at the end of 2009.

However, the Spaniard insists those were just rumours and that Raikkonen's deal has not upset his future plans.

"I knew already that they will extend the contract," he told Autosport. "Nothing has changed. "Talking about 2010 and 2011 is way too far for me. I want to win before that! "Always my plans were more focused on 2009 and in 2009 there was no possibility of Ferrari so it was never in my plans." It remains to be seen which team Alonso will race for next season as while Renault are keen to retain their double world champion, Honda are also reportedly on the look-out to sign him.

here

Comment

: Alonso knew Kimi had to exercise the automatic contract renewal option after negotiations with Santander failed... I guess he could not convince Botin to pay up Kimi to walk at the end of 2008, so he could move to Ferrari starting 2009.   It is interesting that Kimi's contract renewal announcement date is the same date as Alonso's statement: September 12 2008.

I also think between July and September 2008 Santander explored various possibilities to get McLaren let them off the hook from the exclusivity clause in the old Santander-McLaren sponsorship agreement but their attempts were unsuccessful (probably Ron asked for a lot of money).   If that took place Santander could have started their Ferrari sponsorship a year earlier.   So, during this period (until September) Kimi was waiting to see if he would be able to end his relationship with Ferrari at the end of 2008.

Sep 14, 2008

– FIA post race int. Monza —

Raikkonen. “

You don’t have to be Einstein to understand that this is not the right way to fight for the title. It’s not over yet, but now it will take a miracle, like one that makes lightning strike twice

.”

Comment

: He is not just talking about racing here. Even though he is still within the mathematical possibility with 4 races left in the calendar (he is 20 pts behind Massa, and yet that still is better odds than 2007); he is up to his neck in the swamp trying to fight/fend off elegators on multiple fronts:

Santander/Ferrari lawyers…

His relationship with Schumacher.  It was never emphasized in 2008 but I think it was a very significant issue.  For 2008, Michael’s role was, per LdM: “official 3rd driver, in charge of car development.”   See footnote 1 (and check out Michael’s Ferrari and wiki profile for his role in 2008).   Kimi did not like this at all because Michael was in charge of something (the car itself) that he had been used to controlling/influencing all his career. Link

Pressure from LdM and Dom to help out Massa because if Massa wins the 2008 WDC, Santander will be thrilled given their upcoming 2009 IPO in Brazil. In my opinion, Dom or LdM never mandated this, but they highly encouraged Kimi to fall back because financial implications for Santander, the future sponsor, was in Billions of $. (not Millions, it is Billions) And because Massa is a native son of Brazil who can mobilize local investors even better than Alonso. here.   In the end, Santander’s IPO gains were about $9 Billion. See footnote 2.   Note: IPO means Initial Public Offering. Or the stock market launch for that company. In this case, in Brazil. Click on this link to read about the inportance of Brazil to Santander.

Sep 24, 2008 - Pitpass –

Spanish media is claiming that Ferrari’s recent decision to re-sign Kimi Raikkonen until the end of 2010, is a smokescreen, aimed at putting everyone off the real story, which sees Fernando Alonso heading to Maranello as early as next year. Spanish newspaper Marca claims that Santander, which headed to McLaren with Fernando Alonso in 2007, is behind a move which will see the two-time champion join Felipe Massa. The Spanish banking giant is due to take its account to Ferrari next year, and, having lost out when Alonso quit McLaren after just one season, wants its national hero back on board and in a winning (red) car. It’s claimed that the bank will not only meet Alonso’s financial requirements but will also meet any compensation demanded by Raikkonen.

It is fair to say that the announcement that Raikkonen is to stay with Ferrari for two more years caught many by surprise, especially since the Finn appears to have lost his sparkle in recent months, a situation not helped by the fact that he is now almost certain – barring a miracle recovery – of having to play second fiddle to his Brazilian teammate. While several teams, most notably Honda, have been wooing Alonso, the Spaniard needs to be back in a winning car, and other than BMW – which is backed by Santander’s rival Credit Suisse – Ferrari appears to be the only option.

Comment

: Looks like negotiations for buying out 2009 failed, probably to Kimi’s dismay — from here on it is a Cold War within the team and

Kimi is the unofficial #2

by corporate decision because they still need to ramp up Massa’s standing in Brasil for the upcoming IPO.

The only thing they could not foresee was Massa’s accident in 2009. Kimi’s departure was a done deal as early as May, 25 2008, latest Sep 14 2008. They just had to make sure he did not accidently win 2008 WDC as Ferrari would have looked really stupid… Very curious about that pit screw up in Monaco, if it was real or orchestrated because this is where it all started, it is a milestone event for things starting to go wrong for Kimi for the rest of the year, along with some unlucky situations.

May 25, 2008 FIA post race Monaco — Kimi “A very poor race for me, right from the off. There was a problem with a wheel before the start and we broke the rules, which meant I was given a drive-through penalty. During the race, my main problem was trying to get the tyres to work as well as possible. Then we decided to change the strategy as we expected it to rain again, but it didn’t happen. Twice I had to change the nose after breaking the front wing. So, as you can see, a long run of things going wrong which explains the 0 points. I am sorry for Sutil, who I hit with just a few laps to go. I lost control of the car under braking coming out of the tunnel and I could do nothing to avoid him. It’s a shame how things went today, as we had the potential to do well. It’s true that I’ve lost the championship lead, but I always said the championship would be a very long one. Now we must prepare as well as possible for Canada where we will try to make up for this disappointment.”

That is why, Kimi always said;

“There are many reasons. In F1 there is always a lot of money and there can always be different options. That’s what happened in the end. It’s nothing to do with racing or what I do in the team.”

In short, Kimi was in the wrong team, at the wrong time stuck between Ferrari and future sponsor Santander, because he had the wrong nationality (the Latin lineup), relative to Santander’s business plans, and Ferrari’s role within.

January, 13 2009

-- Ferrari approves of Kimi's rally outing --

  Ferrari has no problem with Kimi Räikkönen contesting Finland's famous Arctic Lapland Rally later this month, team boss Stefano Domenicali has insisted.

Formula one teams often baulk at drivers' requests to engage in dangerous off-season activities, but it emerged last week that Räikkönen, the team's title winner of 2007, has entered himself as the driver of a Fiat Abarth S2000 in the event later this month.

"This is the traditional attitude we take to our drivers," Domenicali said at the launch of the team's new 'F60' single seater for 2009.

"We always try to have a very open attitude to what they do. I see this as an extra two days of testing for Kimi."

 -

here

Comment

: Why change of heart by Ferrari after two years with Kimi, all of a sudden approving a "dangerous sporting activity" for Kimi?   Because that was a part of

Kimi's separation negotiations

back in September that he will be allowed to participate in whatever sports activity he desired, including rallying.   Domenicali is referring to Michael's soccer activities in  "We always try to have a very open attitude to what they do."  

Possible reality is they are no longer concerned about Kimi or whatever happens to him as he is on his way out.  Again, note the dates...  

Now, let's fast forward to September 2009...

September 14 2009

-- Formula1.com - Q&A with Ferrari’s Stefano Domenicali--

  Formula1.com Q&A with Ferrari’s Stefano Domenicali

Q: After all the rumours it would be helpful to hear one word from you regarding Kimi’s future. Is Kimi driving a Ferrari in 2010?

SD:

I am definitely not going to discuss that now. As everybody is aware, Kimi has a contract with us next year and I am very happy with his performance because he is driving very, very well, especially in the second part of the season. The last five races he has always been on the podium and I think after Barrichello he has scored the most points, so he has shown true qualities of fighting for the championship. That is our position

.

Comment:  

So, Kimi's ousting is not officially announced yet...but the new contract was already signed and sealed about a year ago, back in Sep 2008 that;

Option 1) 2 year full pay (2010+severance) provided he walked away from F1 for 1.5 years.

Option 2) 1 years pay (2010) + some severance + get the McLaren seat.  

As we know Kimi took option 2 - you can read more about this

here

.

December 11 2009

-- SportsPro discussion interview --

  The following snippets are one of the few direct mentions of Massa's role within the Santander world from Mr. Cendoya, who is the Senior Executive Vice President in charge of Communications, Corporate Marketing and Research for Santander Bank (Mr. Botin's number 2 guy for sponsorship affairs)

.

... Cendoya is understandably reluctant to place the bank in the pecking order of Ferrari sponsors and says simply: In Ferrari, we are on the podium and the podium is a very good place to be. Ferrari has a process and they are going to announce the car and image later on. We are a main sponsor; we are not a title sponsor. I cannot say more... ... Cendoya rightly points out that Santander is not in charge of driver selection and intriguingly suggests that, for example, the commercial appeal of current Ferrari driver Felipe Massa might be an effective way of growing the brand worldwide the implication being that, even with Alonso on board, the bank's popularity might only increase in Spain by one or two percentage points, whereas the potential gains in other markets are significantly greater. Cendoya says it is all about creating an emotional link between potential new customers and the bank. How many Spanish people, for example, are today very happy because we are with Ferrari? I don't know, but in my opinion a lot because I received more than 700 emails giving felicitations for this agreement. Every employee in our bank can guess a figure but it could be 10 million. In Brazil there are 50 million fans of Formula One, 80 per cent of them are Ferrari fans and they now feel happy and proud of being part of the Santander group (source article::  Sport is playing its part in the Santander story).

This SprortsPro article is very telling about why Kimi had to go without mentioning his name even once.  Mr. Cendoya further states;

Cendoya makes clear, a cold, rational business decision, just as was the decision to sponsor McLaren three years ago. We started at the McLaren team, with an English pilot and a Spanish pilot at the beginning. We had a low presence in the team but we paid a lot of attention to every penny, peseta, euro that we were spending. We don't give money away. We have given a lot of attention over the last 100 years to caring for the money of our shareholders.

Comment

: This article also sheds light into Massa's continued presence at Ferrari without results (read update on this here).  His presence alone is enough to produce the expected

Return On Investment

(ROI) at the levels that are even better than what Alonso is able to generate as a Spaniard.   Santader's ROI does not even depend on Alonso or Massa winning races. Given their demographics they have enough appeal in the Latino world to satisfy Santander's financial expectations by just driving the red cars around to boost credit card, insurance, other financial instrument sales as well as merchandising.

What is a bit hard to understand is how the journos/media could not connect these dots to show what really went on in 2008.   You do not have to do any major investigation because pretty much everything is in the public domain.   While we understand commercial pressures on the racing business, 2008-9 was anything but sporting for Ferrari.   They should have just let him go after 2007 instead of playing all kinds of games, and engaging in a PR war to give it an appearance of performance problems.

I suspect, even Massa will not bet against Kimi’s performance this year, or when he appeared to beat him back in 2008-9 as he knows what the deal was relative to his role within the Santander world. I think Kimi understood the business aspect of the issues, and in line with his character never washed any dirty Ferrari laundry in public. Yes, he did have several unlucky situations but his fate was already signed and sealed mid season 2008 purely for business reasons. 2009 was essentially continuation of the 2008 theatrics until Massa’s accident. On another front, almost identical scenario (to Santander-Massa-Brasil situation) is in play for Perez in a Santander sponsored car (Ferrari or McLaren)   — Perez-Santander-Mexico, from the same playbook.

November 8 2012

-- Spanish sports newspaper Marca --

  Asked by the Spanish sports newspaper Marca to recall his memories of racing for F1′s most famous team Ferrari, Raikkonen answered: “Neither good nor bad.“

I won a title with them and had some good times. I am satisfied with the three years I spent there.

“I don’t miss anyone,” he admitted. “To me, leaving there (Ferrari) was a relief.“

The situation could have been better, but it’s the past and what is done cannot be reversed,” said Raikkonen.

“Things don’t last long if you’re working somewhere and the relations are not good.”

He explained that, in contrast, he enjoys working with Lotus.

“I felt good from the start,”said Raikkonen. “

People work hard and calmly, but they want to win and the sport and the technical sides come before the politics.” --

Source

.

December, 4 2012

--

Mercopress.com

--

  For Spain’s Santander bank Brazil is number one and ‘absolute preference’

Emilio Botin chairman of Santander Bank, the leading financial institution in Spain and among the top largest in the European Union said in Sao Paulo that Brazil is the “number one country in Latin America” and the absolute preference of his institution...

read full article

Footnotes:

1) As to how things evolved with the car I am not totally sure, but the person who had a front seat was Chris Dyer.  In the following quote, he is reflecting on 2008 season.

“We had a tough and hard season but Kimi did exactly the right thing within the team and everyone respected what he did and how he reacted to this situation. We had a fantastic car but unfortunately we made mistakes when thinking about what’s best for our driver (Raikkonen).”

I believe the "situation" he is talking about is the Ferrari corporate decision to support Massa – not exactly sure when, but possibly Sep 24. (Kimi was told that they have to let Massa contest the 2008 championship because they are stuck with this request from Santander).

I think

“we made mistakes when thinking about what’s best for our driver”

bit is referring to Michael Schumacher, because Michael wanted Massa to be the official feedback/debrief driver sometime around Monaco. I think all of Michael’s initiatives were well intentioned organizational efficiency related enhancements trying to help Ferrari without favoring any driver but because he was closer to Massa probably Massa benefited more from them.

The other issue was the infamous suspension change that was introduced mid-season, again by Michael's planning and directives.   It was a unilateral action by him as he was trying to improve the car.  

link

If you recall, recently Kimi said there was only one person at Ferrari he did not like… he did not name that person but I believe it is Michael, because Michael was officially in charge of the car. I think he was/is on good terms with Domenicali and Luca di Montezemolo (LdM) because he understood the Ferrari business situation that he could not control but Michael was in charge of something (the car itself) he has been used to controlling all his career. In any event, this area – Michael’s role — needs more research because it is mostly opinions. I suspect Dyer will talk or imply after his departure mid year.

2) Massa was at the right place, at the right time and with the right Sponsor, given his nationality.  In fact Botin personally made sure

Massa was taken care of

even before the 2010 Ferrari sponsorship started:

Massa-“I’m glad to get this support from Santander. Lately I met President Emilio Botin twice and he is absolutely excited about the potential of the Brazilian market…

Being Brazilian, going into the IPO Massa became the

brand ambassador for the bank

(read the last paragraph in the link relative to the date of the article. Alonso was supposed to be in the list but not Massa, on that date) sometime during the summer of 2009, well before Santander-Ferrari relationship kicked in on Jan 1, 2010 (Alonso had been the brand ambassador for Spain for a while). This was a direct Massa-Santander payroll relationship ~$5-7M per year.

Fast forward to Nov 2011,

Botin decided to personally fire him

because he was upset with Massa for the results of 2010/2011 seasons. To understand the importance of Latin America to Santander, just look at their annual reports. So, to those who have been wondering why Massa has been with Ferrari despite underperforming? Because his nationality has been more important than his performance. And remember this stuff was not supposed to take place prior to Jan 1, 2010.

Global recession further increased the importance of Brazil

for Santander as they are desparately looking for new markets to offset losses in Spain. Therefore, they couldn't afford to drop Massa despite his not so stellar performance between 2010-2012, so they had to renew his contract.

This area could use some more research – journos: talk to some ex employee perhaps…

Posted 10th September 2013 by wrcva canvass

#Kimi Raikkonen #ferrari #raikkonen #Scuderia Ferrari #F1 #fernando alonso #Felipe Massa #Massa

[retro-pure-jdonica]

Everything Wrong With The Peathers Pilot

Ok so I wrote this as I was watching the pilot so there’s probably a lot of spelling errors but just bear with me here

CHRONOLOGICAL ORDER PLOT ISSUES

The episode opens by playing Que sera sera and zooming in on a croquet set on a front porch before going into the house where we see Shannon Doherty with a red scrunchie, all things that suggest that Heathers (1989) occurred and this is Heather Duke now but then they’re like lol jk that’s jds mom

Speaking of jds mom, they have her kill herself by lighting the house on fire and shooting herself, nothing involving his father’s business which messes with why jd dislikes his father

They COMPLETELY switched the characters of Heather McNamara and Heather Duke. When Heather McNamara starts talking in the lunchroom Heather Chandler says “god Heather, are we already making this about you?” But says nothing bitchy to Heather Duke

Heather Chandler is some social justice warrior and it’s awful. We meet Ram when he is in the cafeteria wearing a shirt that says “Remington squaws” with a (very very red skin toned) depiction of a Native American and Heather is like “ummmmm that’s so offensive. I know that kid over there and he is 1/16th “First Nations peoples”” and when the kid stands up to say it doesn’t offend him she yells at him “this isn’t about you” (bonus in the background they tried to recreate that airy chime kinda music from the original and its shit)

J.D. has been in Sherwood for a while. He doesn’t move from school to school because of his dads business, he keeps getting expelled

At the art exhibit (equivalent to Remington party/Kurt homecoming party) Veronica meets this guy named Jacob who they very purposefully dressed like jd (trench coat, dark hair) and then she asks him if he has a car and then it cuts to him eating her out in a car while she sits on her phone?????? I don’t even know?????

Instead of throwing up on Heather Chandler, Veronica dumps a giant bottle of hull clean on her

Jd and Veronica don’t have sex???? They are in no form of relationship so when jd kills Heather Chandler, Veronica has absolutely no reason to stay with him at all which is just SHIT PLOT PEATHERS GET IT TOGETHER

Jd has only lived in THREE states, NOT SEVEN, NOT TEN, THREE!!! They totally screwed over his background with this and with his mom’s Suicide so now he only has shitty motives. Also, his dad isn’t Big Bud Dean Construction, it’s Big Bud Dean Oil and Gas????

Jd and Veronica don’t give Heather Chandler a bottle of drain cleaner, he pulls an ich luge type thing with some “vomit inducing pills Hitler carried around”. Then when Heather Chandler “dies” he’s like oh crap I must have given her the wrong pills but it’s GENUINE. JD SERIOUSLY DID NOT TRY TO KILL HEATHER CHANDLER but then SURPRISE at the end of the episode we see Heather Chandler wake up because she actually didn’t die because jd did give her the vomit pills, the pills just somehow made her pass out which they weren’t supposed to. Also, she saw that Veronica and jd tried to fake her Suicide (they posted her Suicide note on Instagram and she would remember them coming to her house) but then sees that the post got 27 million likes so she decides to not snitch them out because she’s famous but from now on ANY PERSON THAT “KILLS THEMSELVES” AND JD AND VERONICA SET UP TO LOOK LIKE A SUICIDE, HEATHER CHANDLER WILL KNOW IT WAS JD AND VERONICA SO I DONT KNOW HOW THEY’RE GOING TO DO ANYTHING WITH THAT BUT ALRIGHT

You may be thinking, how did JD get Heather Chandler to take a pill? Well, HE PUT IT IN A BAG OF CORN NUTS AND DARED HER TO EAT THE WHOLE BAG IN FIVE SECONDS OR ELSE HE WOULD POST A PICTURE OF HER WITH A NAZI CAP ON. Also on this topic, they had Heather Chandler start gagging before crashing through the glass table but she shouldn’t be gagging, if anything she should be choking from the food and she would have bitten into the pill while eating the corn nuts and it’s a whole mess peathers please get your story straight

At school after Heather Chandler’s “suicide” all of the students are like “omg this is so sad(for the most part, they are still kinda making it about themselves)” and Mrs. Flemming is like “look at all of the publicity about this” which is just??? So wrong????

After Heather Chandler “dies” Betty Finn takes over the role instead of Heather Duke???? AHHHHH WHAT and when Veronica invites betty over for croquet she’s like “Ummm, I’m busy” like wtf peathers you cant make up an ENTIRELY new character and just call her Betty??? This Betty does not have a single similar characteristic to the original Betty except for the fact that she and Veronica were friends in elementary school, like this Betty used to be friends with Heather Chandler and UGH

Okay jd SMILES while telling Veronica in detail how his mother killed himself, Do I even need to explain how wrong this is??

MISUSED AND ALTERED QUOTES

Lick it up fatty, lick it up (bonus, which was followed by: d-did you just fat shame me in public??)

If you’re gonna openly be a flooze

What is your bother wound, Heather? (What does that even mean????)

Corporate monogamy keeps me sane

Big Bud Dean Oil and Gas

I’m gonna be experimenting with lesbianism at (some place) instead of (another place)

SHITTY REFERENCES

The matches jds mom uses to light the house on fire say “hot probs” on the box

At the art exhibit, Veronica and Heather Chandler go to, two of the pieces are a bottle of “hull clean” liquid drainer and a massive replica of the book “The Bell Jar”

Big fun is a chip brand

MISCELLANEOUS

They replaced “very” with “just” and only in this episode they said just 4 times, JUST IN THIS EPISODE

J.D. literally says the phrase “my dear” 4 times JUST IN THIS EPISODE and he’s giving off these Walmart Great Value knockoff type Leonardo DiCaprio Romeo and Juliet vibes and I hate it it’s so weird

Heather Chandler refers to Ram as “the Auschwitz of hate that goes on in Westerburg”

Heather McNamara isn’t even a lesbian! She lied about it to seem cool (Do I even need to explain how terrible and inaccurate and demonizing this is?)

Heather Duke literally says “oh my clit”

Heather Chandler literally says “what the queef”

“Let’s snort Adderall, make out, and get slushies”- JD, again, do I even need to explain?

Kurt gives Ram all of the shit jd and Veronica use at the fake Suicide in the movie to cheer him up (the candy dish, stud puppy, etc) also if you haven’t heard by now, Kurt is gay

Okay, at the 7-11 when JD is saying “a pile of dirt” he looks Veronica up and down liKE WHAT?????

“Sad face emoji, pill emoji, the powerful last words of Heather Chandler” -some teacher

When jd and Veronica are going to post a video on Heather Chandler’s Instagram to make the Suicide more believable (Okay it literally pained me to write that), Veronica says “oh my god I can’t believe we’re doing this, also trim the video it will get more views if it’s under ten seconds”???? This is so terrible  (bonus jd responds to this with “That’s my girl” and ew) (bonus bonus after they finish setting up the Suicide Veronica says “come on, we’re gonna be late for school” ugh peathers stop making the show into a massive joke)

FOR LIKE A THIRD OF THE EPISODE VERONICA IS WEARING THESE OVAL SPARKLY BLUE SUNGLASSES AND THEY LOOK LIKE THEY’RE STRAIGHT OUT OF 2007 AND I HATE IT

When writing in her diary, Veronica starts to write “I’m just a … girl who has been manipulated by a guy into-“ which is very true for actual Heathers but then cuts off and says “no that sounds like I’m enforcing gender stereotypes” and I don’t know if that was supposed to be some shitty commentary about the original but WHAT

They tried to pull a dream scene for Veronica where everything is weird but it was terrible, everyone was wearing red plastic glasses and pointing at Veronica and pop music was playing, it was a mess

Okay the Heathers keep doing this thing where they unnecessarily say the other one’s name while talking (like in the opening for Heathers (1989) where Heather Chandler says “no Heather, it’s Heathers turn” but they do it almost every single line and it’s really annoying)

Also I don’t know if this was on purpose, judging by the mental capacity of the producers it probably wasn’t, but after Heather Chandler dies when Betty is walking down the hall with her gang it plays the same music that was playing when the Heathers first walk into the cafeteria and I don’t know if that was meant to show that Betty is officially the new Heather Chandler but I HATE IT

When Veronica goes to jds house after Heather Chandler’s “death” jds dad walks in with a FUCKING SHAKE WEIGHT and they do the weird father-son switch thing but jd gets his dad to leave by saying some shit like “your presence was wonderful but my girlfriend and I would like to engage in sexual intercourse now” and just, what the fuck?????

YO I DONT KNOW HOW THEY GOT AWAY WITH THIS BUT FOR THE CLOSING FRAME THEY JUST SHOW THE WORD HEATHERS AND LITERALLY PLAY A SLIGHTLY SHITIER VERSION OF THE STRANGER THINGS OPENING TRACK BUT ITS ALMOST THE EXACT SAME

Just FYI, this in Arial font size 11 is FOUR PAGES LONG and this is just the first episode

#heathers #peathers #not my heathers #heathers 2018 #heathers tv show #heathers the musical #burn it #kill it with fire

[bidonica]

recollections of a fandom old(ish)

I've seen various fandom history posts popping up on my dash recently, and that made me think of how I was on tumblr since before fandom came here (I opened this blog in November 2008). I was also quite active on livejournal; the great strikethrough crisis happened in 2007, but people were still looking at livejournal substitutes like dreamwidth, insanejournal, greatestjournal etc. (iirc LJ’s code is/was open source so it was easy to legally clone it). Myself, I stuck to livejournal for fandom activity as much as I could. 

Fannish content began to appear here and there on tumblr as well but I thought this wasn’t the right platform for it; early tumblr was pushed as an image heavy microblogging site, didn’t have a tagging system nor any filter whatsoever (the latter hasn’t changed much), so I was skeptical about the kind of fandom culture that consolidated on livejournal being able to take seed here. 

We were, after all, used to pretty tidy comment threads under posts, to moderated communities on specific subjects (fandoms, characters, ships, kinks, rpgs and of course fanfiction and fanart), and most crucially to the possibility of filtering whom we wanted to show our content to based on a list system, kind of like what facebook allows you to do with their privacy levels now. This was great for protecting personal posts from passer bys, and also for filtering out stuff like nsfw content. Plus it was pretty good for posting fic; you could hide thousands of words under a “read more” without clogging anyone’s friends page and actually have conversations in the comment thread underneath. Tumblr’s freeform, “let it all hang out” design - remember that read more cuts, much like tagging, haven’t always been a feature around here - seemed to offer such a wildly different user experience that I couldn’t imagine fandom relocating there of all places. Which, on a side note, is amusing in retrospect because I found out that fans coming from the mailing list culture also felt uncomfortable about the lack of privacy on livejournal.

Well, I guess I didn’t take the generational turnover into account, as newer fans came in and made their home on tumblr. Add this to the fact that lj kept having issues post strikethrough (remember the Russian spambots?) and by 2011 we were all here, more or less. To be honest, it felt kind of gradual to me and I didn’t feel particularly regretful when I went back to my livejournal and made a post saying that it was the end for that blog. But, even though I wasn’t married to the platform (and I surely wouldn’t go back now, wtf?), there are sides to that user experience that I miss. Like how it was much harder to accidentally stumble into antis since the content wasn’t aggregated through public tags but it was more like fans of a certain subject would simply share their content in themed communities. Or how the privacy filters made it REALLY hard to see things you didn’t want to see. 

Idk, I wonder how many of the issues about what gets posted on tumblr, the Discourse, the mob mentality etc., would actually be mitigated by better UX design. Livejournal, for all its flaws and its being a rudimentary relic from the late web 1.0 gave its users more tools to create safe spaces - even just to get excited over a ship or character in peace. And that’s something this blue hellsite could use, but lol we only barely got hashtag blacklisting on mobile and most of us use a third party extension like New XKit to make the desktop version tolerable, so I’m not holding my breath. Thanks for coming to my TED talk

#fandom #user experience #ux design #idk i am just rambling here #long post

[magicrobins]

Dare you to answer all 100 of those questions

Well shit man I feel challenged.

All questions answered under the cut.

1: Is there a boy/girl in your life?

As in boyfriend/girlfriend? Nope, single af over here :P

2: Think of the last person who hurt you; do you forgive them?

Uhh probs? I mean I don’t really remember but it probably wasn’t a big thing.

3: What do you think of when you hear the word “meow?”

My kitty, my little pumpkin, Freckles uwu

4: What’s something you really want right now?

To finish answering these questions? JK JK lmao!

I’d really like to see one of my best friends again, for like more than just one day but like I always really want that.

5: Are you afraid of falling in love?

In a way, yes. I’m afraid that I’ll fall in love with someone I’m not meant to be with and have my heart broken. I’m afraid I’ll fall in love with someone who won’t like that I’m sex repulsed, who won’t like that I don’t think I’d want to have kids, or at least little kids/babies. I know the right person won’t mind any of that, but I’m afraid of falling for the wrong person before I fall for the right one.

6: Do you like the beach?

Yes! I like looking for seashells but I stay the fuck away from the ocean.

7: Have you ever slept on a couch with someone else?

I haven’t fallen asleep on a couch, that I’m aware of, but one of my best friends and I cuddled on one while relaxing during a 24 film contest.

8: What’s the background on your cell?

A picture of Korrasami from the LOK comic.

9: Name the last four beds you were sat on?

Name the last four beds?? Uh my own, my dad’s, and my sister’s?

10: Do you like your phone?

Meh. It’s a good phone but since some iOS update, it’s been a real bitch. :/

11: Honestly, are things going the way you planned?

Ahahahaha no. Some things are nice, some things are… what they are. I didn’t plan to spend four years at MJC but I’m getting my AA degree at the end of this year. I didn’t plan to want to continue my schooling and get a Bachelor’s/Master’s in archaeology but that’s because I’d y’know buried that dream deep down ‘cause I thought I wasn’t smart enough (still sometimes feel like that but I got this, don’t worry). I didn’t plan to actually get into theater and want to minor in theater. I didn’t plan to get hella into Dungeons & Dragons and play in two campaigns, DMing one, and uploading the videos to YouTube but hey, I like how that turned out. I didn’t plan on being stuck with writer’s block majority of the time and restarting the same book over ten times. All in all, life’s not really going how I’d planned but at the same time, I hadn’t really made a plan. I just sort of let it take its course, I guess?

12: Who was the last person whose phone number you added to your contacts?

Oh a friend of a friend’s who joined this RPG campaign that’s based on the Dresden Files. She was added to the group chat so I added her number. :)

13: Would you rather have a poodle or a Rottweiler?

Uhh I’d rather have both, duh.

14: Which hurts the most, physical or emotional pain?

Emotional by far. I’ve dealt with physical pain for like four years now in my left shoulder (finally getting that fixed this summer) and while it can hurt so much that it makes me cry, I’ll take it over emotional pain. That’s probs not a good thing but that’s how I feel.

15: Would you rather visit a zoo or an art museum?

I like the zoo, but I’d rather go to an art museum. I adore museums and don’t go to them as often as I’d like.

16: Are you tired?

Who isn’t? It’s past 11pm rn so yeah, I am lol.

17: How long have you known your 1st phone contact?

My first phone contact was probs my parents and sister so my whole life lol.

18: Are they a relative?

Yep ;P

19: Would you ever consider getting back together with any of your exes?

I have one ex and I’d have to say no. Nothing against him, it’s just that I don’t have romantic feelings for him. I don’t want to date someone I don’t have romantic feelings for.

20: When did you last talk to the last person you shared a kiss with?

Not like a kiss on the cheek, I’m guessing? If so, then no one :P

21: If you knew you had the right person, would you marry them today?

Mm, I’d probs say yes if they proposed. A wedding takes time to plan though! ;P

22: Would you kiss the last person you kissed again?

Haven’t ever kissed anyone -shrugs-

23: How many bracelets do you have on your wrists right now?

None, but I usually wear at least one on my right wrist if I’m not wearing long sleeves.

24: Is there a certain quote you live by?

No really, sorry.

25: What’s on your mind?

“Dear God, there’s a lot of questions!” lmao

26: Do you have any tattoos?

Nope. I’d like some but I’m terrified of pain and needles. ^^”””

27: What is your favorite color?

Red!

28: Next time you will kiss someone on the lips?

Shit idk? At this point it’s looking like never lmao

29: Who are you texting?

No one atm. Last person I sent a text to was my sis.

30: Think to the last person you kissed, have you ever kissed them on a couch?

…Y’all just keep wanting to rub in that I ain’t ever kissed anyone before lmao!

31: Have you ever had the feeling something bad was going to happen and you were right?

Probably. :| I also probably caused that bad thing to happen.

32: Do you have a friend of the opposite sex you can talk to?

Yep! uwu

33: Do you think anyone has feelings for you?

I mean there’s someone I’d love to have feelings for me but no, I don’t think so. It might be the insecurities talking, but no one, to my knowledge, has had feelings for me in a while.

34: Has anyone ever told you you have pretty eyes?

Uhh aside from parents or family?? Shit I can’t remember, but y’know what? I have damn pretty eyes. I have pretty hazel eyes ok lmao.

35: Say the last person you kissed was kissing someone right in front of you?

Then that person would be kissing air ‘cause I haven’t ever kissed anyone lmaooo

36: Were you single on Valentines Day?

Every Valentine’s Day, yes. :’)

37: Are you friends with the last person you kissed?

Yes. I’m friends with Nobody. xDDD

38: What do your friends call you?

Depends on the friends and when they met me. Friends who I’ve known since high school called me by my full first name, “Briana.” Friends I’ve met online or at college call me by my nickname, “Anna.”

39: Has anyone upset you in the last week?

Not that I can think of… Irritated, sure, but not really upset.

40: Have you ever cried over a text?

Pfffffffffffffffffffffft…. Of course.

41: Where’s your last bruise located?

Uhh I don’t have any atm but probs on my leg?

42: What is it from?

Hell if I know -shrugs-

43: Last time you wanted to be away from somewhere really bad?

That hasn’t been for a while… I usually feel this way when I go to class in the beginning when I don’t really know anyone, especially if I’m put in front of the class to talk. (This happened a lot in the beginning of the acting class I took.)

44: Who was the last person you were on the phone with?

My dad. Called him to let him know the fucking hide away door was busted again… I hate that door.

45: Do you have a favourite pair of shoes?

All of my boots. uwu

46: Do you wear hats if your having a bad hair day?

Yep! Mostly depends on the outfit, but majority of the time I’ll wear this Code Geass hat I have.

47: Would you ever go bald if it was the style?

Fuck no.

48: Do you make supper for your family?

Pffft no.

49: Does your bedroom have a door?

Yes.

50: Top 3 web-pages?

According to Chrome, the top three I go to is YouTube, Tumblr, and Facebook.

51: Do you know anyone who hates shopping?

Maybe? I’m not sure.

52: Does anything on your body hurt?

My left shoulder. For the past four years. :’)

53: Are goodbyes hard for you?

Depending on who they’re with. Saying “goodbye” to one of my best friends when he moved to Arizona was… that was painful.

54: What was the last beverage you spilled on yourself?

Probs Dr. Pepper.

55: How is your hair?

Fine atm. It’s not combed but I don’t mind how it looks rn.

56: What do you usually do first in the morning?

Check my phone.

57: Do you think two people can last forever?

Yes, anythings possible.

58: Think back to January 2007, were you single?

When aren’t I? Lol yes, I was.

59: Green or purple grapes?

Meh either is fine with me.

60: When’s the next time you will give someone a BIG hug?

Idk, when they need it?

61: Do you wish you were somewhere else right now?

…I’m not sure, tbh.

62: When will be the next time you text someone?

Tomorrow? Idk.

63: Where will you be 5 hours from now?

Home, in bed. :P

64: What were you doing at 8 this morning.

Sleeping ;P

65: This time last year, can you remember who you liked?

Yes.

66: Is there one person in your life that can always make you smile?

Absolutely.

67: Did you kiss or hug anyone today?

My cat lmao

68: What was your last thought before you went to bed last night?

I don’t really remember, sorry :/

69: Have you ever tried your hardest and then gotten disappointed in the end?

Probably.

70: How many windows are open on your computer?

Two - five tabs in Chrome though.

71: How many fingers do you have?

…Ten?

72: What is your ringtone?

Just some generic ring tone.

73: How old will you be in 5 months?

Still 23 :P

74: Where is your Mum right now?

At her house probs.

75: Why aren’t you with the person you were first in love with or almost in love?

Let’s go with “almost in love” ‘cause idk wtf falling in love feels and idk if you can fall in love with someone who you have strong feelings for but never dated.

To answer the question, though: ‘cause I was a closeted af idiot. I mean, in all honesty, I understand why I was closeted. I was refusing to admit to even myself that I wasn’t straight. I get why I was so scared but like… in hindsight I wish I’d been open with myself and open with this person.

76: Have you held hands with somebody in the past three days?

Nope.

77: Are you friends with the people you were friends with two years ago?

Absolutely!

78: Do you remember who you had a crush on in year 7?

…Wtf is year 7? Is that 7th grade? If so, I was homeschooled then so didn’t have a crush. :P

79: Is there anyone you know with the name Mike?

I have a few family members with that name.

80: Have you ever fallen asleep in someones arms?

Nope.

81: How many people have you liked in the past three months?

Mm one person but that’s just ‘cause I legitly don’t know how to move on, like no one’s really told me a good way to move on so my brain is just like “What to do with these unrequited feelings fuck :|”

82: Has anyone seen you in your underwear in the last 3 days?

I have ;D lmao

83: Will you talk to the person you like tonight?

Mm probs not? Not unless they text me. I texted them yesterday, didn’t get a response but I know they’ve been busy.

84: You’re drunk and yelling at hot guys/girls out of your car window, you’re with?

Idk? I don’t drink so idk why I’d get drunk.

85: If your BF/GF was into drugs would you care?

Yes.

86: What was the most eventful thing that happened last time you went to see a movie?

I saw Black Panther. Enough said. uwu

87: Who was your last received call from?

Probs the hospital to schedule an appointment?

88: If someone gave you $1,000 to burn a butterfly over a candle, would you?

Wtf no!! DDD:

89: What is something you wish you had more of?

Either money specifically to pay for school, or filming equipment so I can film the D&D sessions how I’d like to film them. :|

90: Have you ever trusted someone too much?

Maybe? Idk.

91: Do you sleep with your window open?

Nope. Door open but window closed.

92: Do you get along with girls?

Lmao I like to think so.

93: Are you keeping a secret from someone who needs to know the truth?

Um idk? I mean I’ve never told the person I had (have?) strong feelings for that I’ve had those feelings and how long I’ve felt that way but like idk if they need to know that?

94: Does sex mean love?

No. You can have sex without love and love without sex.

95: You’re locked in a room with the last person you kissed, is that a problem?

I’d be alone. :|

96: Have you ever kissed anyone with a lip ring?

Idk does Nobody have a lip ring? lmaoooo

97: Did you sleep alone this week?

Nope, I have my cat and my dog. uwu

98: Everybody has somebody that makes them happy, do you?

Yes. I have my friends, my pets, and someone special to me.

99: Do you believe in love at first sight?

Yes. I don’t believe everyone experiences it - everyone falls in love in different ways - but I believe it’s possible.

100: Who was the last person that you pinky promise?

Uhhhh idk? That was probs years ago?

#i dID IT #-collapses- #ask anna #magicanon #my life

[ais-n]

Hi!! I'm the one who asked the Vermont question the other week. Thanks so much for answering! I have a second question if you don't mind. :D Were there any plot points/scenarios that you or Santino originally wanted to include but didn't make it in? Or if any scenes were changed from the initial draft? I just really want to know the possible WHAT IFs that could've happened!!

Oh curses! I’m so sorry I was so slow to reply to thissss T_T I haven’t been on my desktop computer much lately, which is a real oddity for me but I keep watching shit on tv instead of being online lately. And my phone is the worrrrsssstttt for trying to write any sort of long response.

THERE ARE SOME VAGUE SPOILERS FOR ICOS BELOW!! WARNING WARNING!!!! I’m not putting behind a cut because it’s short (for me, anyway) and some people can’t get the “read more” link to work on mobile (myself included wtf).

I think we talk a little more in detail in one of the Q&As (don’t remember which one but I put most of them here if you want to peruse:   https://aisness.wordpress.com/category/qa/) but yeah we did change things along the way and have to compromise at times on some of the plots. I super wanted to do a hardcore human experimentation thing with Boyd as a victim that Sonny was like “whoa there nelly, chill out a bit” on lol At one point he was thinking of a certain controversial lady in a book that isn’t Evenfall having Hsin’s baby and I wasn’t a fan of that for various reasons. Sonny wanted to kill off 3 of his characters at various points, 2 of which were a certain 2 fan favorites that I think the readers would have actually murdered us for killing. I wanted to kill Boyd at one point lol Things like that. Most of the time we were pretty in line with what we wanted to do, most of the time it wasn’t a problem, but when there were things that one of us really wanted to do that the other equally really didn’t want to do, usually we just discussed it over a long ass time because it took so long to write, edit, and release the story, and usually by the end of it we were on the same page anyway. 

We definitely had to drop things too. I was going to have way more Seth in the last two books, really go more fully into that whole subplot and Boyd’s back story, but it just didn’t flow well. I’m pretty sure we ended up deleting an entire Thierry chapter/scene at one point because it didn’t flow or make sense? Maybe??? There were a few things like that but I can’t remember them all right now. We may have mentioned them in one of those Q&As or elsewhere, not sure. And of course there was the give and take of editing Evenfall from the original version to the DC version.

The biggest What If of the whole thing is that ICoS as it turned out to be was not at all what we first planned when we first started writing. If you’ve read the whole series, they mention a tv show in Fade called Grayson. It briefly overviews the plot of that show. Fun fact: Grayson was the original ICoS plot, which we changed a tonnnnn when we realized Boyd and Hsin actually had chemistry and would like each other instead of just being side character partners who didn’t really get along and definitely had nothing romantic planned. We thought it would be fun to do a little throwback by making a tv show in the ICoS world that was the original plan for the ICoS world instead. such meta omg wut

If you’re curious and haven’t seen it yet, I posted a bunch of old shit at one point on my blog here: https://aisness.wordpress.com/?s=nsvic  -- including the AIM chat we had when we came up with the idea of ICoS (https://aisness.wordpress.com/2013/10/07/nsvic-wmhb-icos-conceived/) and when we named it (https://aisness.wordpress.com/2013/10/07/nsvic-wmhb-naming-icos/). 

The super old skool original version of what ICoS was when we first wrote anything at all in the ICoS world WAS on our old forum, I thought, but I can’t find it now so idk what’s going on... I mean, I found the old ass forum. But the post I thought had the old versions doesn’t have the actual stories? Well, I guess you can still find some excerpts. Read this disclaimer from 2007 first: https://www.tapatalk.com/groups/sonnyaisfr/icos-beginnings-v1-vs-v2-t50.html and then find excerpts here:  https://www.tapatalk.com/groups/sonnyaisfr/story-bonuses-f17/index-s25.html  Keep in mind that stuff is old as hell, including our random posts we made in general on that forum. I have no idea what all was said by us or others because it’s been too long. Probably lots of shit was said that wouldn’t be said now but that’s how it goes. 

Oh! But there’s a real treasure in the general chat section-- a number of us totally were doing these intensive Sims posts where we made our own ICoS Sims households and then posted what was happening, it was so great XD Here was the first person to do it, peach, but all her images are gone :( Link: https://www.tapatalk.com/groups/sonnyaisfr/my-sims-let-me-show-you-them-warning-img-hvy-t36.html  and then the others are: https://www.tapatalk.com/groups/sonnyaisfr/simmies-thank-you-peach-for-the-awesome-idea-t145.html  and https://www.tapatalk.com/groups/sonnyaisfr/more-sims-t190.html and then mine was https://www.tapatalk.com/groups/sonnyaisfr/sims-the-totally-not-official-old-skool-beaulieu-f-t178.html (iirc I did 2 or 3 different stories in that same thread over the months or years or whatever. I still have Boydtown on Sims 4 lol I should totally break that shit out again it was so great XD)

Anyway I made this too long already, sorry! Hopefully this answers your question at least a little, and sorry again for being so slow T_T

#ask ais #icos #in the company of shadows #long post #sorry guys this really did start out short #and then I just kept adding links and remembering old shit and.... #i mean..... #¬_¬; #Anonymous

[apocalypto12related]

Do all of them!

1: is there a boy/girl in your life?

Ye! Sammy! @deziac

2: think of the last person who hurt you; do you forgive them?

Um... My family, probably, and no.

3: what do you think of when you hear the word “meow?”

Kitty! I love kitties!

4: what’s something you really want right now?

an apartment. on a less serious side, um, glasses???

5: are you afraid of falling in love?

Nope! I already have and since we’re poly im sure i will again owo

6: do you like the beach?

so/so. depends on my mood.

7: have you ever slept on a couch with someone else?

um... a pull out sofa, does that count? i have a hard time sleeping unless i can fully lie down.

8: what’s the background on your cell?

my old phone was tony my new phone is space. not sure what it’ll be soon. >w>;; considering i need to redownload all the stuff i got off tumblr. :’( i lost all my snapchat stuff, but i moved all of izaya to my computer so that’s fine.

9: name the last four beds you were sat on?

what??? O_o; um... a homeless shelter’s bed and other than that they were all my own??? (not counting the “bed” made of sheets at the one place.)

10: do you like your phone?

i just got a new one!! uwu It has 32GB with it’s own internal storage and I have a 32GB sd card. nwn;; So I have a lot of space~! plus it has a fingerprint sensor and im in love with unlocking it like that owo

11: honestly, are things going the way you planned?

prolly not, but when do they?

12: who was the last person whose phone number you added to your contacts?

sammy! bc we both got new phhones!

13: would you rather have a poodle or a rottweiler?

i heard poodles have bad temperaments!! idk about rottweilers!! whichever one is nicer??/

14: which hurts the most, physical or emotional pain?

emotional!! physical heals!! short time span for pain! emotional might not go away!

15: would you rather visit a zoo or an art museum?

DONt mmake me chosoelk??! i love both!!! i lovemy fluffy butts and i went to the met in new york!!! it was so cool!!! swords!! armor!! egypt!! aahhhh!!! i cant choose!!

16: are you tired?

im always tired!!!

17: how long have you known your 1st phone contact?

um... well it’s sammy

so uh, ten years in march owo (technically december was the first time we met!! but we count it as march since that’s when he started talking rly)

18: are they a relative?

no!!

19: would you ever consider getting back together with any of your exes?

it depends on if they changed their personality!! if not then no!! i mean i did get back with sammy but yknow we just count that as a break since we did actually get back together lmao

20: when did you last talk to the last person you shared a kiss with?

this morning!! she is at work so she’s not too talkative rn!

21: if you knew you had the right person, would you marry them today?

we’re fine with what we’re at!! i don’t need to marry her to make it ‘official’!! we’ve lasted almost 9 years and through some big hardships!! both of us unmedicated and dealing with new medication changes, so i think we’re fine!!

22: would you kiss the last person you kissed again?

of course!! :P

23: how many bracelets do you have on your wrists right now?

two!! my blue sylveon bracelet (i love sylveon, i would wear umbreon but i think i packed it!!!) and my pride rainbow bracelet! i took them off when we were looking for a shelter bc i was scared we’d get denied if they saw obvious gay signs :(

24: is there a certain quote you live by?

not directly!! something along the lines of that there is no set path in life you have to choose which ways you want to twist and turn and they’ll lead you onto new and bigger things.

25: what’s on your mind?

music! stuff for my phone! i have a lot of stuff i need to add to eeet!! it’s only a day oolllddd.

26: do you have any tattoos?

yes! it’s for my kitty who passed away! Her name was luna. I’m sure i’ve posted a picture somewhere.

27: what is your favorite color?

#00C5FF

28: next time you will kiss someone on the lips?

prolly tonight. owo

29: who are you texting?

Sammy owo

30: think to the last person you kissed, have you ever kissed them on a couch?

probably?? lol what.

31: have you ever had the feeling something bad was going to happen and you were right?

YES ACTUALLY D: idk if it happened any other time, but when we got into the car accident when I told our one friend we were joking about her coming up and hanging with us all my brain said was ‘You shouldn’t have done that. I shouldn’t have done that.’ and again when we went out to the car and it was pretty heavy snow fall. I was like ‘I shouldn’t go.’ my problem with that one was I didn’t want to go, but I didn’t think ‘we shouldn’t go’. but... what can you do now?

32: do you have a friend of the opposite sex you can talk to?

um. i don’t think i have a super close opposite sex friend. closest would probably be @h0bsyrup

33: do you think anyone has feelings for you?

I’m sure Sammy does. >w> I’m not sure otherwise. My followers don’t tell me that stuff.

34: has anyone ever told you you have pretty eyes?

Yes omg. Sammy was staring me in the eyes the other day and was like ‘your eyes are pretty’ and i’m like ‘omfg shut up >//

35: say the last person you kissed was kissing someone right in front of you?

if they’re not dating then she’s gonna punch their lights out, so i don’t have to worry.

36: were you single on valentines day?

November 24th, 2008 is when I started dating Sammy. You tell me.

37: are you friends with the last person you kissed?

... of course?? wtf is with these kiss questions.

38: what do your friends call you?

Kiki :D

39: has anyone upset you in the last week?

lil bit.

40: have you ever cried over a text?

Um... probably. I can’t remember.

41: where’s your last bruise located?

omg... um i guess undermy belly button is the latest bruise??? i have a lot atm from surgery and being motionless for four days!!

42: what is it from?

Sammy actually like harshly pushed on that area. like when you go to land somewhere with your full weight then you go ‘oh fuck’ yeah.

43: last time you wanted to be away from somewhere really bad?

um... recently??? but i guess not as bad as with my mom.

44: who was the last person you were on the phone with?

Sammy owo

45: do you have a favourite pair of shoes?

Nah.

46: do you wear hats if your having a bad hair day?

No.my hair style is like 99% bun.

47: would you ever go bald if it was the style?

i dont follow trends i set them.

48: do you make supper for your family?

not recently but i would for sammy and i usually

49: does your bedroom have a door?

i don’t have a “bedroom” atm e.e

50: top 3 web-pages?

tambo.c0m (tumblr), archiveofourown.org (ao3), youtube.com (the three i use the most anyway)

51: do you know anyone who hates shopping?

Sammy. xD at least food shopping.

52: does anything on your body hurt?

Abdomen. (:

53: are goodbyes hard for you?

it depends. if it’s unnecessary then prolly. if they’ve fucked me over idc. (i.e. my family trying to replace my mom’s abusiveness, fuck them.)

54: what was the last beverage you spilled on yourself?

prolly water owo

55: how is your hair?

it’s feeling fine, thank you for asking!

56: what do you usually do first in the morning?

it depends! if it’s my “morning” i wake up and usually bathroom.

57: do you think two people can last forever?

sure but it takes work. it’s not gonna be perfect 24/7 without communication or compromise.

58: think back to january 2007, were you single?

ye. omfg why would you give me nightmares. that’s when i started the rping side of myspce and met that douche wesley. his lying ass made me start self harming. fuck him.

59: green or purple grapes?

i don’t eat grapes .w.;;

60: when’s the next time you will give someone a big hug?

sometime in the future! prolly sammy!

61: do you wish you were somewhere else right now?

in an apartment. >w> or at the pompeii exhibit!!!

62: when will be the next time you text someone?

possibly today

63: where will you be 5 hours from now?

lying in bed. :D

64: what were you doing at 8 this morning.

struggling to be alive. (eating chocolate chip muffins)

65: this time last year, can you remember who you liked?

oh god. w8 no. i didn’t like anyone yet. that started like october or shit. ugh my ex. he became an ass. (aside from sammy obvs)

66: is there one person in your life that can always make you smile?

sammy!!

67: did you kiss or hug anyone today?

um... i don’t think so. i think we were both too tired and stressed. we didn’t get into bed until like 1 and the shelter has us be out of beds by 8:30 x3x;

68: what was your last thought before you went to bed last night?

um... ‘i should go back to sleep’ after waking up a third time and distracting myself with the phone

69: have you ever tried your hardest and then gotten disappointed in the end?

yeah,but at least i tried.

70: how many windows are open on your computer?

it’s not *my* computer, so it doesn’t count! ;D (8 but im downloading music stfu)

71: how many fingers do you have?

i have 10. my one pinky counts as a half finger sometimes though. i broke it and bc i didnt have insurance i never went to a doctor to get it fully take care of so it healed up all wrong.

72: what is your ringtone?

default at the moment!

73: how old will you be in 5 months?

oh fuck i’ll be 24. man if you asked me that back in june i’d be like ‘still 23 (;’ but no. my bday is december

74: where is your mum right now?

She passed away. :/

75: why aren’t you with the person you were first in love with or almost in love?

I realize that as much as I wanted to believe it was love, it never fully blossomed into that until I was with Sammy. I don’t think I’ve truly ever gotten to love anyone else, but that’s okay.

76: have you held hands with somebody in the past three days?

of course owo sammy and i are hella gay don’t u know.

77: are you friends with the people you were friends with two years ago?

i believe so owo we just don’t talk as much bc im a lazy sack of shit.

78: do you remember who you had a crush on in year 7?

fuck. i think i had a minor crush on some dude who also liked green day but never fuckin talked to me so i never bothered. that might’ve also technically been when i started liking wesley. does billie joe from green day count?

79: is there anyone you know with the name mike?

personally? uh.... i’m not totally sure o-o; fuck me man.

80: have you ever fallen asleep in someones arms?

probably wait yes. sammy. spooning is our fave position.

81: how many people have you liked in the past three months?

e.e no one that wasn’t a celebrity. 

82: has anyone seen you in your underwear in the last 3 days?

no bc shelter e.e

83: will you talk to the person you like tonight?

:P i talk to them everyday.

84: you’re drunk and yelling at hot guys/girls out of your car window, you’re with?

i wouldn’t get drunk! i wouldn’t scream at ppl! that’s rude! ppl usually can’t even hear you when you yell at the window! we hear ‘whoosh’ with your voice in the middle’

85: if your bf/gf was into drugs would you care?

i would be concerned since she’s said she doesn’t like them!!

86: what was the most eventful thing that happened last time you went to see a movie?

um... oh! a conversation started and a lil girl asked if we were in a certain theatre and I said ‘no we were in theatre blah’ so I asked what they went and saw. She said “Wonder Woman” “hey we just came out of that, too!” :P

87: who was your last received call from?

.3.; sammy

88: if someone gave you $1,000 to burn a butterfly over a candle, would you?

i-i’m torn??? i needm oney but poor butter-san... ;____;

89: what is something you wish you had more of?

money. clothes maybe

90: have you ever trusted someone too much?

yeah. lmao.

91: do you sleep with your window open?

i usually do! esp in the winter/summer! need air and love cold!

92: do you get along with girls?

ye!

93: are you keeping a secret from someone who needs to know the truth?

no. owo

94: does sex mean love?

no! sex is something that can bring someone closer, but it is not necessary for a relationship! 

95: you’re locked in a room with the last person you kissed, is that a problem?

>3>;;; again, no.

96: have you ever kissed anyone with a lip ring?

owo; indirectly. i shared a drink with someone who had one. xD

97: did you sleep alone this week?

not this week! :D last week. ;~; at the hospital.

98: everybody has somebody that makes them happy, do you?

yes. >3>

99: do you believe in love at first sight?

no!!! that’s not love!! you might end up loving them but you can’t love someone unless you know them!! :c otherwise it’ll lead to some bad decisions!! D:

100: who was the last person that you pinky promise?

OwO Sammy I think.

[adambstingus]

Here’s What The Stars Of The Internet’s Most Famous Memes Look Like In 2018

Since its inception in 1990, the World Wide Web – invented by computer scientist Tim Berners-Lee – has revolutionized humanity. We now shop online, order take-out online, study online, look through photo albums online, make travel arrangements online, game online, talk, gawk, and stalk online!

In fact, I couldn’t imagine having to do so many daily tasks without the internet. I wouldn’t have survived university by actually reading books, and I could never get through my Christmas shopping without Amazon. But perhaps the biggest change is the way we communicate with one another.

From email to MSN to MySpace to Skype to Facebook – it is now easier than ever to start a conversation with somebody on the other side of the planet. Social Media has allowed us to chat with our friends and family, keep up-to-date their lives, and even plan parties and events without sending one thing in the post. It’s truly made the world a smaller place.

And following the rise of social media in the noughties, we have seen many “trends” come and go – with some becoming iconic, and others more… moronic. For example, everybody out there now converses using emojis, and every year people genuinely get excited to see what new emojis the next updates will bring (here’s looking at you redheads). We’ve seen positive challenges, such as the Ice Bucket Challenge, raise millions for charity, and we’ve also seen a slew of idiots eat detergent in the Tide Pod Challenge.

But if there’s one thing that has stayed around far longer than anybody would have ever imagined, it is the humble meme. If you’re truly out of the loop, a meme is defined as “an image, video, piece of text, etc, typically humorous in nature, that is copied and spread rapidly by Internet users, often with slight variations”.

Basically, they’re funny pictures and videos of relatable things, often with a funny caption. And over the years, the subjects within these memes have become unintentional celebrities… for doing absolutely nothing except having a sharable expression. Now, we’re taking a look at these very modern stars have changed since being immortalized on the web.

1. Success Kid (Sam Griner)

Never before has a child epitomized the feeling of success more than Sam Griner. After his mom, Laney Griner, uploaded the picture to Flickr in 2007 (yes, it really was that long ago), she never thought she would have turned her young son into a viral star.

Sam was actually trying to eat the sand when the picture was taken, and Laney originally captioned the image ‘I Hate Sandcastles’, but his triumphant expression soon transformed him into the ‘Success Kid’.

2. Side-Eyeing Chloe (Chloe)

In one of my favorite videos on YouTube, Chloe and older sister Lily are surprised by their parents with a trip to Disneyland. However, whilst Lily starts to cry in delight when the camera pans to Chloe, she stares straight into the lens with a “WTF is going on?” expression. It is hilarious.

Amazingly, Chloe’s expression transformed her into “Sid- Eyeing Chloe”, the perfect meme for when people wanted to express their unimpressed disbelief to whatever was going on in the world.

3. Disaster Girl (Zoe Roth)

She could have been a cast member from Village of the Damned with that demonic expression. However, a young Zoe Roth was not taking sick pleasure in the destruction of a house she had just burned to the ground, she was just enjoying a training drill by the local fire department two blocks away from her home in Mebane, North Carolina.

The picture was taken all the way back in 2004 by her father, Dave Roth, and now that Zoe is looking to complete college, she said: “I’d love for the meme to help me get into or pay for college somehow. But I ultimately want people to know me for me.”

4. Trying To Hold A Fart Next To A Cute Girl In Class (Michael McGee)

On March 2, 2014, Redditor aaduk_ala submitted a humorous picture titled, ‘Trying to hold a fart next to a cute girl in class’ to the /r/funny subreddit. It wasn’t long before his strained expression was seen across all of social media.

When asked whether he had any regret about his unexpected fame, McGee responded: “My take on being ‘internet famous’ is cool and all. But I regret not copyrighting the picture right away because I could have made a lot of money there!” Ironically, his expression would be my face if I were to discover that I could have made thousands of dollars by copyrighting one silly picture.

5. Scumbag Steve (Blake Boston)

I have so many personal memories of using this meme whilst at college. In fact, I became a “Scumbag Steve” after waking up my dorm friend every two weeks at 6 am because I needed to use his printer.

The first known time this image was posted on Reddit was January 21, 2011, and it wasn’t long before a commenter in the Reddit thread identified the young man in the pic as Blake Boston (also known as “Weezy B.”)

In an interview with Know Your Meme, Blake revealed that the picture was originally taken by his mother. “I have no regrets in my life… no matter what I do. I can completely f**k up on something and I still don’t regret it. Because at the end of the day, that makes me who I am, so I wouldn’t go back and erase anything, if I were to go back in time.” I think we can all agree that Weezy B. is a very cool guy…

6. Overly Attached Girlfriend (Laina Morris)

Back in 2012, Justin Bieber asked his dedicated followers to enter an online sing-off competition in order to promote his celebrity perfume ‘Girlfriend’. In response to this, YouTuber Laina Morris uploaded a simplistic webcam video in which she performed a parody version of Justin Bieber’s single ‘Boyfriend’, with her own personalized lyrics.

Morris’ over-the-top expressions immediately led to her face being used to symbolize the ‘Overly Attached Girlfriend’, but sadly, she did encounter several issues regarding her fame: “Strangers were finding my personal Facebook page and talking to my friends. They were finding where I worked and trying to access my college records”.

7. Good Luck Charlie (Mia Talerico)

Actress Mia Talerico’s exaggerated “I don’t know” face from an episode of Disney’s Good Luck Charlie has taken comments sections by storm. And thanks to her charismatic acting, the nine-year-old now has over 1 million followers on Instagram.

I’m 26 and have under 400. Where did it all go wrong?

*I don’t know*

8. Bad Luck Brian (Kyle Craven)

Fake News! Did you know that the guy in the picture is not actually called Brian? His name is Kyle Craven. Used to symbolize bad luck, the very first use of Craven’s image was first posted on January 23, 2012, by his long-time friend, along with the caption “Takes driving test .?.?. gets first DUI.”

9. Ridiculously Photogenic Guy (Zeddie Little)

I think we can all agree that we have never looked this good whilst exercising. When I’m at the gym, my expression closely resembles that of when I’m perched on the toilet.

However, Zeddie Little, AKA “Ridiculously Photogenic Guy”, was snapped running in the 2012 Cooper River Bridge Run whilst looking impeccable. Literally better than I’ve ever looked in my life.

When asked about his newfound fame, Little responded: “I really don’t know, but I kinda feel honored to be part of a joke that’s in good spirit because sometimes the Internet can be a little vicious or jokes can get bent the wrong way. But these are all kinda, for the most part, positive. It’s funny that everybody is kinda taking like to it. It’s, I guess, the most flattering way to get spread across the Internet.”

10. Ermahgerd (Maggie Goldenberger)

For those of you out of the loop, “ermahgerd” is a rhotacized pronunciation of “oh my God”, in order to recreate the speech of a nerd (sorry Maggie).

This meme first emerged on March 14, 2012, along with the caption: “Just a book owners smile…”. The girl in the meme, Maggie Goldenberger, said that the picture was created in fourth or fifth grade when she and her friends seriously got into playing dress-up. It’s good to see she’s got a sense of humor about the whole thing, because I can think of about 734 pictures of me from high school that could have been used in the exact same way, and it would have destroyed my life.

11. Grumpy Cat

There’s a face only a mother can love.

Grumpy Cat – the appropriate nickname given to Tardar Sauce – is an always-moody-looking snowshoe cat that rose to fame after several pics of her annoyed facial expressions were posted to Reddit in September 2012. According to Huffington Post, Grumpy Cat now has a reported net worth of $100 million! That’s right, this cat has more money than you ever will.

12. First World Problems (Silvia Bottini)

Amazingly, this is no bog-standard stock-image model. Silvia Bottini is actually a relatively successful Italian actress.

13. Blinking White Guy (Drew Scanlon)

This perfect GIF originally came from a live stream shot back in 2013, when Drew Scanlon was a video producer at the popular gaming website Giant Bomb.

During one of the team’s weekly “Unprofessional Fridays” shows, Scanlon watched as the editor-in-chief played Starbound, a two-dimensional action-adventure game.

However, things got a little awkward when Gerstmann said: “So I’ve been doing some farming… with my hoe.” Scanlon reacted with the bewildered expression now known as the “Blinking White Guy”.

14. Hipster Barista (Dustin Mattson)

Even though this meme has become more appropriate for every year it has existed, it was originally uploaded to in August 2011! However, the guy in the picture, Dustin Mattson, has not seen the funny side:

“I do find it discouraging and disappointing that there was so much exposure brought to an attempt at making a joke of a culinary industry and the professional barista. To me, it’s very telling on how we laud farm-to-table food, craft beer, cocktail mixology, but it’s ok to have no respect for the specialty coffee world and the people who are committed to it. On the other hand, the whole thing only makes me want to work harder at my job, make better coffee, serve my customers better, and bring more positive exposure to both the company I work for, the barista profession, and specialty coffee as a whole. If anyone were to see my and my coworkers’ work in the café, they’d see that it doesn’t quite match up to most of the jokes made against the ‘Hipster Barista’.”

15. Doge

I’m just going to put this out there: I love Doge.

Back in February 2010, a Japanese kindergarten teacher called Atsuko Sato posted several photos of her rescue-adopted Shiba Inu dog Kabosu to her personal blog – it is something we have all done. However, unlike with me and my Yorkshire terrier, Sato’s photos went viral and the world fell in love with the side-eyed confused pup. The best of boys!

So there you have it! And although so many of these unintentional internet celebrities have changed so much since their images were originally posted to the web, there’s no doubt we’ll always remember them for the hilarious memes they spawned.

from All Of Beer http://allofbeer.com/heres-what-the-stars-of-the-internets-most-famous-memes-look-like-in-2018/ from All of Beer https://allofbeercom.tumblr.com/post/184330360477

[samanthasroberts]

Here’s What The Stars Of The Internet’s Most Famous Memes Look Like In 2018

Since its inception in 1990, the World Wide Web – invented by computer scientist Tim Berners-Lee – has revolutionized humanity. We now shop online, order take-out online, study online, look through photo albums online, make travel arrangements online, game online, talk, gawk, and stalk online!

In fact, I couldn’t imagine having to do so many daily tasks without the internet. I wouldn’t have survived university by actually reading books, and I could never get through my Christmas shopping without Amazon. But perhaps the biggest change is the way we communicate with one another.

From email to MSN to MySpace to Skype to Facebook – it is now easier than ever to start a conversation with somebody on the other side of the planet. Social Media has allowed us to chat with our friends and family, keep up-to-date their lives, and even plan parties and events without sending one thing in the post. It’s truly made the world a smaller place.

And following the rise of social media in the noughties, we have seen many “trends” come and go – with some becoming iconic, and others more… moronic. For example, everybody out there now converses using emojis, and every year people genuinely get excited to see what new emojis the next updates will bring (here’s looking at you redheads). We’ve seen positive challenges, such as the Ice Bucket Challenge, raise millions for charity, and we’ve also seen a slew of idiots eat detergent in the Tide Pod Challenge.

But if there’s one thing that has stayed around far longer than anybody would have ever imagined, it is the humble meme. If you’re truly out of the loop, a meme is defined as “an image, video, piece of text, etc, typically humorous in nature, that is copied and spread rapidly by Internet users, often with slight variations”.

Basically, they’re funny pictures and videos of relatable things, often with a funny caption. And over the years, the subjects within these memes have become unintentional celebrities… for doing absolutely nothing except having a sharable expression. Now, we’re taking a look at these very modern stars have changed since being immortalized on the web.

1. Success Kid (Sam Griner)

Never before has a child epitomized the feeling of success more than Sam Griner. After his mom, Laney Griner, uploaded the picture to Flickr in 2007 (yes, it really was that long ago), she never thought she would have turned her young son into a viral star.

Sam was actually trying to eat the sand when the picture was taken, and Laney originally captioned the image ‘I Hate Sandcastles’, but his triumphant expression soon transformed him into the ‘Success Kid’.

2. Side-Eyeing Chloe (Chloe)

In one of my favorite videos on YouTube, Chloe and older sister Lily are surprised by their parents with a trip to Disneyland. However, whilst Lily starts to cry in delight when the camera pans to Chloe, she stares straight into the lens with a “WTF is going on?” expression. It is hilarious.

Amazingly, Chloe’s expression transformed her into “Sid- Eyeing Chloe”, the perfect meme for when people wanted to express their unimpressed disbelief to whatever was going on in the world.

3. Disaster Girl (Zoe Roth)

She could have been a cast member from Village of the Damned with that demonic expression. However, a young Zoe Roth was not taking sick pleasure in the destruction of a house she had just burned to the ground, she was just enjoying a training drill by the local fire department two blocks away from her home in Mebane, North Carolina.

The picture was taken all the way back in 2004 by her father, Dave Roth, and now that Zoe is looking to complete college, she said: “I’d love for the meme to help me get into or pay for college somehow. But I ultimately want people to know me for me.”

4. Trying To Hold A Fart Next To A Cute Girl In Class (Michael McGee)

On March 2, 2014, Redditor aaduk_ala submitted a humorous picture titled, ‘Trying to hold a fart next to a cute girl in class’ to the /r/funny subreddit. It wasn’t long before his strained expression was seen across all of social media.

When asked whether he had any regret about his unexpected fame, McGee responded: “My take on being ‘internet famous’ is cool and all. But I regret not copyrighting the picture right away because I could have made a lot of money there!” Ironically, his expression would be my face if I were to discover that I could have made thousands of dollars by copyrighting one silly picture.

5. Scumbag Steve (Blake Boston)

I have so many personal memories of using this meme whilst at college. In fact, I became a “Scumbag Steve” after waking up my dorm friend every two weeks at 6 am because I needed to use his printer.

The first known time this image was posted on Reddit was January 21, 2011, and it wasn’t long before a commenter in the Reddit thread identified the young man in the pic as Blake Boston (also known as “Weezy B.”)

In an interview with Know Your Meme, Blake revealed that the picture was originally taken by his mother. “I have no regrets in my life… no matter what I do. I can completely f**k up on something and I still don’t regret it. Because at the end of the day, that makes me who I am, so I wouldn’t go back and erase anything, if I were to go back in time.” I think we can all agree that Weezy B. is a very cool guy…

6. Overly Attached Girlfriend (Laina Morris)

Back in 2012, Justin Bieber asked his dedicated followers to enter an online sing-off competition in order to promote his celebrity perfume ‘Girlfriend’. In response to this, YouTuber Laina Morris uploaded a simplistic webcam video in which she performed a parody version of Justin Bieber’s single ‘Boyfriend’, with her own personalized lyrics.

Morris’ over-the-top expressions immediately led to her face being used to symbolize the ‘Overly Attached Girlfriend’, but sadly, she did encounter several issues regarding her fame: “Strangers were finding my personal Facebook page and talking to my friends. They were finding where I worked and trying to access my college records”.

7. Good Luck Charlie (Mia Talerico)

Actress Mia Talerico’s exaggerated “I don’t know” face from an episode of Disney’s Good Luck Charlie has taken comments sections by storm. And thanks to her charismatic acting, the nine-year-old now has over 1 million followers on Instagram.

I’m 26 and have under 400. Where did it all go wrong?

*I don’t know*

8. Bad Luck Brian (Kyle Craven)

Fake News! Did you know that the guy in the picture is not actually called Brian? His name is Kyle Craven. Used to symbolize bad luck, the very first use of Craven’s image was first posted on January 23, 2012, by his long-time friend, along with the caption “Takes driving test .?.?. gets first DUI.”

9. Ridiculously Photogenic Guy (Zeddie Little)

I think we can all agree that we have never looked this good whilst exercising. When I’m at the gym, my expression closely resembles that of when I’m perched on the toilet.

However, Zeddie Little, AKA “Ridiculously Photogenic Guy”, was snapped running in the 2012 Cooper River Bridge Run whilst looking impeccable. Literally better than I’ve ever looked in my life.

When asked about his newfound fame, Little responded: “I really don’t know, but I kinda feel honored to be part of a joke that’s in good spirit because sometimes the Internet can be a little vicious or jokes can get bent the wrong way. But these are all kinda, for the most part, positive. It’s funny that everybody is kinda taking like to it. It’s, I guess, the most flattering way to get spread across the Internet.”

10. Ermahgerd (Maggie Goldenberger)

For those of you out of the loop, “ermahgerd” is a rhotacized pronunciation of “oh my God”, in order to recreate the speech of a nerd (sorry Maggie).

This meme first emerged on March 14, 2012, along with the caption: “Just a book owners smile…”. The girl in the meme, Maggie Goldenberger, said that the picture was created in fourth or fifth grade when she and her friends seriously got into playing dress-up. It’s good to see she’s got a sense of humor about the whole thing, because I can think of about 734 pictures of me from high school that could have been used in the exact same way, and it would have destroyed my life.

11. Grumpy Cat

There’s a face only a mother can love.

Grumpy Cat – the appropriate nickname given to Tardar Sauce – is an always-moody-looking snowshoe cat that rose to fame after several pics of her annoyed facial expressions were posted to Reddit in September 2012. According to Huffington Post, Grumpy Cat now has a reported net worth of $100 million! That’s right, this cat has more money than you ever will.

12. First World Problems (Silvia Bottini)

Amazingly, this is no bog-standard stock-image model. Silvia Bottini is actually a relatively successful Italian actress.

13. Blinking White Guy (Drew Scanlon)

This perfect GIF originally came from a live stream shot back in 2013, when Drew Scanlon was a video producer at the popular gaming website Giant Bomb.

During one of the team’s weekly “Unprofessional Fridays” shows, Scanlon watched as the editor-in-chief played Starbound, a two-dimensional action-adventure game.

However, things got a little awkward when Gerstmann said: “So I’ve been doing some farming… with my hoe.” Scanlon reacted with the bewildered expression now known as the “Blinking White Guy”.

14. Hipster Barista (Dustin Mattson)

Even though this meme has become more appropriate for every year it has existed, it was originally uploaded to in August 2011! However, the guy in the picture, Dustin Mattson, has not seen the funny side:

“I do find it discouraging and disappointing that there was so much exposure brought to an attempt at making a joke of a culinary industry and the professional barista. To me, it’s very telling on how we laud farm-to-table food, craft beer, cocktail mixology, but it’s ok to have no respect for the specialty coffee world and the people who are committed to it. On the other hand, the whole thing only makes me want to work harder at my job, make better coffee, serve my customers better, and bring more positive exposure to both the company I work for, the barista profession, and specialty coffee as a whole. If anyone were to see my and my coworkers’ work in the café, they’d see that it doesn’t quite match up to most of the jokes made against the ‘Hipster Barista’.”

15. Doge

I’m just going to put this out there: I love Doge.

Back in February 2010, a Japanese kindergarten teacher called Atsuko Sato posted several photos of her rescue-adopted Shiba Inu dog Kabosu to her personal blog – it is something we have all done. However, unlike with me and my Yorkshire terrier, Sato’s photos went viral and the world fell in love with the side-eyed confused pup. The best of boys!

So there you have it! And although so many of these unintentional internet celebrities have changed so much since their images were originally posted to the web, there’s no doubt we’ll always remember them for the hilarious memes they spawned.

Source: http://allofbeer.com/heres-what-the-stars-of-the-internets-most-famous-memes-look-like-in-2018/

from All of Beer https://allofbeer.wordpress.com/2019/04/21/heres-what-the-stars-of-the-internets-most-famous-memes-look-like-in-2018/

[shogunpenny]

Answer all 100

1: Is there a boy/girl in your life?: Not romantically, no2: Think of the last person who hurt you; do you forgive them?: Oh fuck this is a tough one. She cheated on me, but being the christian that I am, i’m called to forgive people who wrong me, no matter how badly. So reluctantly, yes. (doesn’t mean i’ve forgotten it, or will act like it never happened) 3: Grab the book nearest to you, turn to page 23, give me line 17: “He closed his eyes, but he could still see himself, huddling like a rabbit with nowhere left to run, Aes Sedai closing round him like ravens”4: What’s something you really want right now?: A girlfriend5: Are you afraid of falling in love?: Not particularly6: How can I win your heart?: Buy me a sword7: Have you ever slept on a couch with someone else?: nope8: What’s the background on your cell?: Currently its a default background because last month my phone decided to completely reset itself. Previously it was Gabe Newell9: Name the last four beds you were sat on?: What10: Think of the last person who said I love you, do you think they meant it?: Yeah11: Honestly, are things going the way you planned?: My life is a trainwreck, but tbh I don’t know what I expected12: Who was the last person whose phone number you added to your contacts?: My sister’s13: Would you rather have a poodle or a Rottweiler?: Rottweiler, but not a huge preference14: Which hurts the most, physical or emotional pain?: Seeing as how my depression limits the amount of emotions I can feel at one time, physical.15: Would you rather visit a zoo or an art museum?: A zoo16: Are you tired?: Always17: How long have you known your 1st phone contact?: Since I was born18: If you had to delete one year of your life completely, which would it be?: This year probably19: Would you ever consider getting back together with any of your exes?: Incredibly unlikely, I wanted to think of an amusing analogy, but my mind has gone blank, so basically God would have to manifest into a physical form and start yelling at me to do it before I would consider it20: When did you last talk to the last person you shared a kiss with?: I’ve never kissed anyone romantically21: If you knew you had the right person, would you marry them today?: *Smashes that mf marriage button* Fuck yeah!22: Would you kiss the last person you kissed again?: Read Above23: When was the last time you were disappointed?: Every fucking day by myself24: Is there a certain quote you live by?: Probably risky to say cus the majority of tumblr hates him, but I love Jontron’s quote “If I can’t be the best at something, I sure as hell can be the worst25: What’s on your mind?: “Fucking hell i’ve still got 75 more of these”26: Do you have any tattoos?: No but i’d love to get one some day.27: What is your favorite color?: Purple28: Next time you will kiss someone on the lips?: Idk?? I can’t see into the future. Hopefully soon??29: Who are you texting?: Nobody atm30: Are you superstitious about anything?: Not legitimately31: Have you ever had the feeling something bad was going to happen and you were right?: Yep. shortly before I found out my ex was cheating on me I had lots of anxiety that she might be doing something of that sort. Usually my anxiety is unfounded, so it really sucks when its not. 32: Do you have a friend of the opposite sex you can talk to?: Yeah, a few33: Do you think anyone has feelings for you?: Feelings? For MY me?? (It’s not likely at all) 34: Has anyone ever told you you have pretty eyes?: Not really35: What was the reason for your last breakup?: See Above36: Were you single on Valentines Day?: Not this last one37: Name one physical feature that you like about yourself, and one you dislike: uhh. I literally cannot think of one physical thing I like about myself, whereas there are many I dislike38: What do your friends call you?: Most of them call me Penny39: Has anyone upset you in the last week?: Not badly, no40: Have you ever cried over a text?: No41: Where’s your last bruise located?: Is it particularly normal to keep track of bruises? I don’t know42: What is it from?: I don’t know, I don’t even know if I have any bruises currently43: Last time you wanted to be away from somewhere really bad?: I can’t say i’ve been anywhere particularly terrible in such a way, atleast not physically44: Who was the last person you were on the phone with?: My Mom45: Do you have a favourite pair of shoes?: I only have one pair of shoes, as sad as that sounds. I actually have a another but they’re so worn out they can barely be called shoes anymore, and I only wear them when i’m going outside really quickly.46: Do you wear hats if your having a bad hair day?: Not much anymore. I used to wear hats all the fucking time when I was young, similar to a security blanket sort of thing, until a few years ago I just stopped47: Would you ever go bald if it was the style?: No48: Do you make supper for your family?: Very often, yes. I swear my family would starve sometimes if they didn’t have me to make the food49: What’s the toughest decision you made this year?: I’ve barely made any decisions this year, everything’s basically just been thrust upon me50: Top 3 web-pages?: A private forum where some of my friends and I hang out, Youtube, and Tumblr51: Do you know anyone who hates shopping?: My dad and brother52: Does anything on your body hurt?: Not without messing with it. I have some acne, and a weird boil thing under my arm that hurts slightly if I mess with them53: Are goodbyes hard for you?: Depends if its permanent or for a long time. If so, yeah. 54: What was the last beverage you spilled on yourself?: Probably coffee55: How is your hair?: Usually it likes to tangle and is rather coarse, but right now its not particularly bad in either of those regards.56: What do you usually do first in the morning?: Go back to sleep57: Do you think two people can last forever?: Yeah58: Think back to January 2007, were you single?: I was 9 years old. 9 year olds aren’t typically known to have SOs59: Green or purple grapes?: Purple60: When’s the next time you will give someone a BIG hug?: Probably tomorrow for my mom61: Do you wish you were somewhere else right now?: I wish I was in Israel, laying Jerusalem under siege with the lads. Deus Vult.62: What did your father teach you?: Many Things. 63: Where will you be 5 hours from now?: In bed, asleep64: What were you doing at 8 this morning: Sleeping65: This time last year, can you remember who you liked?: Not really66: Is there one person in your life that can always make you smile?: Any of my friends67: Did you kiss or hug anyone today?: Not romantically, but yes68: What was your last thought before you went to bed last night?: Who the fuck can remember the last thing they thought before falling asleep? Like wtf can people do that? things just get progressively more and more hazy as I fall asleep, and the chances are my last thought is something completely random and unrelated to anything69: Have you ever tried your hardest and then gotten disappointed in the end?: Every time I draw70: How many windows are open on your computer?: 3, Skype, Steam and Firefox71: If you won 100 million dollars, what would you buy first?: Probably just put a lot of it into a savings account or something so I can make sure I live a comfortable life without having to work72: What is your ringtone?: Twilight of the Thunder God73: How old will you be in 5 months?: Still 1974: Where is your Mum right now?: Probably asleep75: Why aren’t you with the person you were first in love with or almost in love?: Its really hard to love someone who cheats on you76: Have you held hands with somebody in the past three days?: Yes, my niece.77: Are you friends with the people you were friends with two years ago?: for the most part, yeah78: Do you remember who you had a crush on in year 7?: No79: Is there anyone you know with the name Mike?: A few people80: Have you ever fallen asleep in someones arms?: Excluding my mother’s when I was a babby, no81: How many people have you liked in the past three months?: Not including every girl I see, probably like 282: Has anyone seen you in your underwear in the last 3 days?: I hope not83: Will you talk to the person you like tonight?: Not unless she somehow materializes into my house84: You’re drunk and yelling at hot guys/girls out of your car window, you’re with?: umm i doubt i’m above getting drunk, but definitely above harassing people like that85: If your BF/GF was into drugs would you care?: Depends on the drugs, and just how much she was into them. If she smoked weed every once in a while, who gives a shit? 86: What was the most eventful thing that happened last time you went to see a movie?: Umm, I got to see the movie?? 87: Who was your last received call from?: My mom88: If someone gave you $1,000 to burn a butterfly over a candle, would you?: like, I hate cruelty to animals and shit but fuck man, that’s a thousand bucks we’re talking about. 89: What is something you wish you had more of?: Money90: Have you ever trusted someone too much?: my ex91: Do you sleep with your window open?: Only in the summer when the AC hasn’t been turned on92: Do you get along with girls?: All of my coworkers save for one are girls, so yeah. 93: Are you keeping a secret from someone who needs to know the truth?: No94: Does sex mean love?: Not necessarily95: You’re locked in a room with the last person you kissed, is that a problem?: See Above, have never kissed anyone romantically96: Have you ever kissed anyone with a lip ring?: See Above97: Did you sleep alone this week?: This week, and every week of my life98: Everybody has somebody that makes them happy, do you?: Not one specific person, but my friends usually do the trick99: Do you believe in love at first sight?: Not really100: Who was the last person that you pinky promise?: I don’t think I ever have pinky promised anyone

That took way too long

[hiemshiemis]

films 2019

 1. bird box (susanne bier, 2018)

my mum wanted to watch this film with me, but i didnt feel like watching it at the first time. finally we watched it together the other day on netflix. its not an amazing film, but its actually very entertaining, and i really enjoyed it, although there are some parts where my anxiety showed up. also i had to say the plot has some holes, so at this point i think they shoud have worked more on that. the best thing is that it lasts two hours but it seems like one hour.

(sorry for my mistakes, i havent written in english for a long time)

6/10

2. roma (alfonso cuarón, 2018)

it’s hard for me at first starting a film, and i didnt find the moment to watch it but i really wanted. today i didnt know what to do with my life. it was the moment. i really liked this film for a lot of reasons, maybe the main one is the representation it gives of how life was in Mexico in 1970, and how it was for women and poor people. 

the main character’s acting is amazing, although they dont talk a lot, you just see what happens without the people saying anything. the photography is so realistic but at the same time is elegant and delicate, plus it is in black and white. maybe the plot is a little slow in the first hour basically because of how the scenes are shot. and i have loved the plot, the children and the women.

8/10

3. the favourite (yorgos lanthimos, 2019)

I LOVED THIS FILM. omg i didnt expect i was going to like it like that but i really do (im sorry i just realize i say ‘’really’’ a lot and im really sorry). i went to the cinema with some friends, and the only one that liked the film was me. the other people were like: “i didnt understand the meaning...”, “what a waste of time”, “it was just entertaining”, etc. but you know what, you dont actually have to look for a meaning, i mean, it is what it is. and it’s MARVELOUS. 

to be honest i dont know who i would rather to crush my head, if rachel weisz or emma stone (obviously i have to mention olivia colman’s interpretation). i guess i would probably say rachel weisz because what an interpretation and because she is gorgeous? as well as emma stone, her character is remarkable. all of them are. that’s the best thing about it: the main characters are women, and men only appear in five scenes or so and less than five minutes. the important character are women, and very powerful women, smart, brave, and algo a little silly like the queen. it’s so realistic.

plus the setting is awesome. it shows how women were treated: like shit, like nothing. they didn’t care about women at all. they hit them, rape them, and it is shown how normal it was. also is very ironic and hilarious, i mean, it’s funny but not because it’s a comedy; it’s made for you to laugh at some parts. the plot is very well treated too. i didn’t get bored and it lasts two hours.

i have tried to organize my thoughts, but it doesnt seem very organized i guess. the thing is: everyone has to watch this film n o w.

9/10

4. her (spike jonze, 2013)

i have wanted to watch this movie for a long time, but i guess i just didn’t find the moment or i didn’t feel like watching it. finally i did.

the idea of falling in love with a machine was something i didn’t know how they were going to treat it. it’s very original i guess because not every day you see someone falling in love with a machine. at first i was like wtf i am going to watch. but i liked it a lot. 

probably what i liked the most is the photography. it tells you the story of theodore and katherine but with flashbacks, and those scenes are so lovely and beautiful. also the quotes are amazing and very deep (and very true). i love how the plot is taken: the developmente of theodore’s love towards samantha is slow but deep and realistic. i swear i almost felt like the one that was falling in love with her was me and not him. 

this is a very nice film and i recommend everyone to watch it.

8/10

5. the grave of the fireflies (isao takahata, 1988)

i didn’t want to watch this film because i didn’t want to suffer. it was horrible, not the film, but the feeling. it is a sad story that shows the worst part of the war. i have to say i thought it was going to be worse, i didn’t even cry. 

6,5/10

[6. the chorus (christophe barratier, 2004)] - los chicos del coro

one of my favourite films ever.

9/10

7. on the basis of sex (mimi leder, 2018)

at first i didn’t expect anything to be honest, but it wasn’t that dissapointing. i thought it was going to be worse, focusing more on liberal feminism. the idea and the intention were good but the result... mmm let me tell you it isn’t.

if the plot was focused on how the protagonist became a lawyer, since the first moment she got in harvard, it would have been a better film. instead it focuses on a case that it’s like wtf????

the message is good, and that’s important, but it could have been better. and this sucks because i dont know anymore how to express myself in english or i dont know.

8. manchester by the sea (kenneth lodergan, 2016)

my cousin recommended me this film because i wanted to cry and she said she cried a lot because of this film at the end.

the story is sad, really sad, and very pessimistic. i dont think there is anything good in this film. it’s so cold? how the plot, the characters interact with each other, is cold. i don’t know. anyway, i really liked it.

7/10

9. billy elliot (stephen daldry, 2000)

if i think about it im still crying. it was so moving, i loved it. i’ve cried a lot and how can you not? mira estoy cansada voy a escribir en español. no me esperaba que me fuese a gustar tanto pero se me rompió el corazón de lo bonita que es y del sentimiento que te deja nada más acabar. casi da ganas de vivir. en serio todo el mundo debería verla. además me alegro mucho de no haber nacido en los años 80 la verdad. 

8/10

10. your name (makoto shinkai, 2016)

netflix la calificaba como “lacrimógena”. bueno. se me cayó alguna lágrima y no fue precisamente en el final. aún así, muy bonita, con unos dibujos preciosos y muy realistas. me ha gustado mucho y acaba bien la historia.

(al final voy a hablar menos en español que en inglés)

7/10

11. little miss sunshine (valerie faris, jonathan dayton; 2006)

the first time i saw this film was in second of ESO when i was 13 i think? i loved it but i didn’t remember almost anything. i was afraid to watching it again knowing i may not like it in the same way. i didn’t like it as it was the first time watching it but i enjoyed it.

6,5/10

12. mamma mia! (phyllida lloyd, 2008)

quisiera poner algo más que “me ha gustado” o “no me ha gustado ha sido una mierda” pero es que de verdad no sé.

sé que es un clásico y he tardado unos cuantos años en verla. no sabía qué esperar pero partía de que a todo el mundo le gusta esta peli así que iba más o menos tranquila. me ha gustado bastante, se pasa rápido el tiempo viéndola aunque todavía siga sin saber quién es el padre.

por cierto encoñada me hallo de amanda seyfried.

7,5/10

13. bridget jones’s diary (sharon maguire, 2001)

tengo una amiga que describe esta película como orgullo y prejuicio pero en el siglo xxi. la verdad es que is kinda like that.

pensé que me iba a reír más y que me gustaría más, la verdad. pero aun así me ha gustado, me ha divertido y entretenido aunque hay escenas para mí algo más flojas que otras. ha estado bien.

6,5/10

[14. juno (jason reitman, 2007)]

i can’t explain how much i love this film, and i dont even know why. it just kinda happened. probably my favourite film? i know the plot isn’t something extraordinary either the photography. i know it isn’t a winning oscar film, but do you think i care? i don’t. it’s special for me, and even i know it isn’t that good, it’s a really good film, and i love it omg. i also love ellen page please marry me.

btw i always cry at the end, i mean, how can you not?

9/10

15. aladdin (guy ritchie, 2019)

i usually dont like this type of films, but the truth is i actually enjoy it.

6/10

16. el autor (manuel martín cuenca, 2017)

la verdad es que me ha gustado bastante, es entretenida y no muy larga, realmente lo único que quieres es saber cómo acaba, así que eso está guay. los personajes dejan mucho que desear, pero tampoco están tan mal.

7/10

17. coco (lee unkrich, adrián molina; 2017)

preciosa película, más que bonita, vaya llorera

8,5/10

[18. harry potter y la piedra filosofal] (chris columbus, 2001)

5/10 (es la que menos me gusta y todavía la quiero)

[19. harry potter y la cámara secreta] (chris columbus, 2002)

6/10 (menos mal que este señor se fue)

[20. harry potter y el prisionero de azkaban] (alfonso cuarón, 2004)

8,5/10 (cinematográficamente increíble)

[21. harry potter y el cáliz de fuego] (mike newell, 2005)

7/10

[22. harry potter y la orden del fénix] (david yates, 2007)

8/10

[23. harry potter y el misterio del príncipe] (david yates, 2009)

9/10

[24. harry potter y las reliquias de la muerte: parte 1] (david yates, 2010)

7,5/10

[25. harry potter y las reliquias de la muerte: parte 2] (david yates, 2011)

7,5/10 (me gustaría más si no fuese el final y eso no me gusta nada.........)

#2019 #films