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jemmydoolz · 4 years

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Edgar Has Always Been Kind of a Bitch

hi okay so it's a little after midnight but I'm posting a fic rn bc it's the first fic I've written in like,, a yr and a half and also I'm rlly excited abt it??

anyway battle buddies/fahc jeremwood angst based on ramblings in a gc

(warning for minor assault implications at the beginning, and brief mentions of a suicide attempt at the end)!!!

Fiona and Gavin decide that what Jeremy needs is a night of bevs, and, to put it simply, get wasted, so the crew settles on going to a club that Friday. Jeremy only has one or two drinks, but boy does he get fucked up.

Ryan’s sitting and talking with Geoff and Jack in a booth, sipping a diet coke. He looks over Jack’s shoulder to see Jeremy standing at the bar with a much taller, more intimidating man looming over him. The guy reaches out toward Jeremy, who leans away from the touch. Jeremy nervously laughs and his eyes frantically dart around for someone, anyone who might be able to help him.

“Hello? Earth to Ryan?” Jack waves her hand in front of Ryan’s face.

“Oh, yeah. Yeah. sorry. Hey, um, I’m gonna go home, I’m just not really feeling great,” Ryan murmurs as he slides out of the booth, already heading toward Jeremy.

“Um, alright, I guess? Drive safe,” Jack calls after him.

Ryan speeds up when he sees the man grab Jeremy’s arm. Jeremy’s face flipped through a thousand emotions at once when he saw Ryan approaching, but eventually landed on confused but grateful. He gave Jeremy a look that said just go with what I’m about to say.

“Hey, babe,” Ryan says. The man immediately drops his grip on Jeremy’s arm. Jeremy does his best not to choke on his own spit when he hears the word babe come out of Ryan’s mouth. He hadn’t heard it in so long, and he didn’t think it would still hurt so much.

“Oh, hey!” Jeremy turns to Ryan and reaches up to peck him on the lips. “Where’d Edgar go? It’s his birthday, I figured he would wanna hang out with his friends!”

Fuck. Mentioning something about their friend ‘Edgar’ was always code for I don’t feel good about this, let’s leave. Edgar’s birthday meant I’m having a panic attack, I need your help. Ryan wanted to punch the guy that was practically feeling Jeremy up. No—he wanted to fucking kill that bastard. He and Jeremy may have had a severe falling out, they may have suffered years of heartache and longing, but he still felt responsible to make sure Jeremy was safe.

“He said he kinda wanted to go home. He went to the bathroom while I found you. You, uh, just about ready?” Ryan’s eyes flitted between Jeremy and the other man, who cleared his throat and mumbled something about needing to go find his friends before walking off.

Jeremy and Ryan both sigh in relief once he’s gone.

“Wanna head outside for some fresh air for a minute?” Ryan asks, getting a meek, obviously shaken-up nod in return.

Jeremy says something that Ryan can’t quite hear over the music as they walk outside.

“Hm?”

“Oh, nothing. It was dumb.” Jeremy shakes his head. Ryan has had enough experience to know that it was better to just leave it alone. They both wordlessly come to a stop and lean against the wall of the building a few yards from the door. Almost as if they had been working as partners for years. They spend a few minutes saying nothing, watching people on the street, looking at the stars in the sky. Ryan can’t help but study the intricacies of Jeremy, realizing that so many things have changed, but somehow almost nothing about him is different. Jeremy’s hair is just a tad bit more grown out than it ever was at the agency (also, it’s bright purple and orange, which is not exactly the most appealing color combination, but that’s a topic for another day), but he still runs his hands through it when he’s lost in thought. It’s curlier than it used to be, but maybe that’s just because it’s longer. He still clenches his jaw so hard it seems like he’s going to break his teeth when he’s scared. He still wears a tank top under his shirt, no matter how hot it is outside. His eyes still crinkle at the corners when he lets out a bark of laughter that Ryan still swears up and down sounds exactly like a squeaky toy. He’s changed, though. Ryan can see in his eyes that he’s become aware of reality. He knows the responsibility he carries, the heavy consequences that come with his actions, that death is around the corner at every moment.

“D’you- d’you want me to take you home?” Ryan says barely above a whisper, but loud enough for Jeremy to hear. “You can go back inside if you want, but I know you always used to want to go home and be alone after Edgar shows up.” Jeremy lets out the tiniest breathy chuckle.

“Edgar has always been kind of a bitch, hasn’t he?” Jeremy says as he looks away from the sky to meet Ryan’s gaze, and his heart falls apart all over again for the thousandth time. That fond look of reminiscence and joy was one Ryan donned frequently at the agency. “I- Yeah. yeah. I’d really appreciate a ride home. I’m just a little too drunk to drive, I think.”

“Alright. I parked just down the street. Penthouse or your apartment?” Ryan hadn’t even noticed that Jeremy did seem somewhat tipsy; his Boston accent slipping in occasionally and his words slurring the tiniest bit.

“Um, apartment,” Jeremy says. “D’you rem-”

“Yes, I remember where your apartment is, Jeremy.”

It’s only a few minutes into the drive to the other side of town when Jeremy pipes up. “I honestly didn’t really expect you to help me. I didn’t expect you to remember Edgar, either. I dunno why I said it, I guess just vaguely hoping you would even though it’s been, what, three years?” he pauses for a moment and just takes in Ryan's profile. “I always hope you remember things from then. I know it went to shit, but we still had so much fun. We made so many memories and did so much dumb shit there. But I’m glad that stupid fuckin’ place collapsed. All of it was complete bullshit. I just wish it all fell apart before we did.”

Ryan doesn’t know how to respond. So he doesn’t.

“All those meetings I had to stay late for? Fuckin’ useless. They served no purpose, and I don't know why I was forced to go to them. I feel like the only reason I had to go to those meetings was because someone was hiding something from me. It was obvious that so many things were kept from us.” Jeremy stops for a second to try to will away the lump rising in his throat. “I thought you were cheating on me. For the longest time. I still don’t know whether you actually were. You were always out on ‘special missions’ and shit.”

The moment Ryan hears Jeremy let out a shaky breath his heart breaks.

“Was it me? Was I not good enough? I promise I tried my hardest to be what you needed. I’m sorry if I wasn’t. All I wanted was the best for you, Ryan. Even now, I just want you to be happy. If you're happier with someone else, then that’s what I want. I don’t blame you, though. I don’t deserve someone like you. You deserve so much better than me. I would do anything for you, Rye. We were together for so long. We did everything together! I thought I was gonna marry you. I was saving up money to get a ring. I guess I was too stupid to see that you didn’t want me anymore.”

Ryan looks over to see the tears staining Jeremy’s cheeks reflecting the soft orange glow of the streetlamps. Is this really what Jeremy thinks?

“I was so in love with you, Ryan Haywood. I’m- I’m still in love with you. I love you so goddamn much it hurts sometimes. Every time I see you hurt, upset, angry, anything other than healthy and happy my heart aches. I’m sorry I wasn't enough. I promise I tried. Fuck, I tried so hard.”

With every sob Jeremy lets out, Ryan's heart breaks just a little bit more. The short distance left until Ryan pulls up to Jeremy’s apartment building is spent wordlessly. Jeremy’s clambering out of the car and reaching to grab the door when Ryan speaks.

“Hey, Jer, do you want me to walk you up? I just want to make sure you’re safe.”

“No. I’m fine. I’ll be fine. I’ve already been a pain in your ass tonight, I don't need to waste even more of your time. I’m sorry. I’m sorry about everything.” Jeremy sniffles and wipes his cheeks, giving a half-hearted smile before shutting the door and walking away.

Ryan sits there for a second, unable to process fully what he just heard. He starts driving without even knowing where he was going, and he’s so lost in his thoughts that suddenly he’s sitting in his car in front of the boardwalk along the beach and crying. He can’t believe anything he was just told—there is no way in hell that the brilliant, witty, talented Jeremy Dooley ever doubts his worth. It’s jarring to think that part of it was because of Ryan. He was going on extra missions because the agency was growing more and more demanding. For months they tormented Ryan with the threat of kicking out Jeremy. They said they’d do other things to him that Ryan doesn’t want to remember. Why did Jeremy never bring it up? Why did he just accept that Ryan had ‘moved on?’ Their lives were so intertwined with one another that Ryan never felt truly whole again. The only reason Ryan went with the break up was that he saw how distant and cold Jeremy had gotten. Ryan had assumed that, for whatever reason, Jeremy had changed his mind. He hated it, he was devastated, but he didn't know how to fix it.

Ryan decides he doesn’t want to go back to the penthouse tonight. He pulls up to the nearest crew safehouse, and suddenly things click.

Jeremy had always struggled with bad self-image and depression. He had gone to Ryan for comfort, which he was always more than willing to give. Jeremy was doing better. At least he told Ryan he was.

Jack had mentioned a while ago that when Jeremy first joined the crew, she had found him after a suicide attempt and barely left his side until he recovered. The only reason for it Jack had told Ryan about was ‘emotional trauma from a past relationship, that he didn’t really want to talk about.’

Ryan did that to him.

Ryan made the love of his life want to die.

The pieces left of his heart fall into more shards than there are grains of sand in this world.

He collapses onto the couch inside, too exhausted to even get to the bed. He knows he’s not going to be able to sleep, though.

To: Geoff

Dropped Jeremy off at his place, he was pretty drunk though so check on him please

To: Geoff

I’m staying at kung fu safehouse for the night

#my fic #holy fuck #i did that !!!#thats a whole ass 1874 words babeyyy!!!!!#fahc #fahc ryan #fahc jeremy #fahc au #angst #battle buddies #fake ah ryan #fake ah jeremy #fake ah crew #fake ah au #minor suicide mention #suicide mention tw #ragehappy

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symptoms-syndrome · 4 years

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hey, do you know of any book, place or anything that could help me understand how gender and dissociation can interact, especially wrt dissociated parts of self? or can you share what your experience with this has been if you've had any (if you're comfortable)? i'm really struggling to understand myself and my experiences and my gender identity and sexual orientation. i've already asked my t and she'll look into it but couldn't think of anything off the top of her head. hope this is ok to ask.

I’m putting this under a read more because it may get sort of long.

Hello!

I don’t know of any books or resources, but maybe some of my followers do.

However, as someone who is trans and dissociative, I can absolutely share my personal experience. I am very fortunate in that both the therapist that diagnosed me and my current therapist are trans. I highly recommend looking to see if there are any LGBTQ specific resources for therapy in your area, if that’s a part of your identity you consider important to you and your mental wellbeing.

I am a bisexual trans person with moderate levels of dysphoria, who identifies as nonbinary/transmasculine, and has been on HRT for about two years and is in the beginning stages of planning bottom surgery/GCS. For both HRT and GCS, I believe DID is one of the specific things they mention as being “controlled“ before starting medical transition. For better or for worse, I got my diagnosis after about a year of HRT. I am choosing to proceed with GCS/HRT despite my diagnosis, but that’s a very personal decision that I’ve given a lot of thought and I don’t necessarily condone that universally.

I do remember when I was doing the initial dissociative test, there were a few parts of it my therapist mentioned could be due to dissociation OR dysphoria, such as phrases like “when I look in the mirror, I don’t recognize my reflection,” or something of the sort. That is something your therapist should take into account, and you could communicate with them about why you might feel that way, be it due to dissociation, dysphoria, or both. However, on those sorts of tests there is a “baseline,“ so being wishy-washy on the specifics of one or two questions won’t drastically change your score one way or the other.

Using this example, there are times I look in the mirror and I don’t like what I see, or it isn’t what I’m expecting. When this is leaning more towards dysphoria, it’s mostly gendered things that I notice feel “off,“ such as my hips, my shoulders, etc. When this is leaning more towards dissociation, it’s more “general.” Something is off, and I can’t tell what, or it feels like everything is off. (Additionally, dysphoria generally carries more upsetting/negative thoughts, while dissociation is more neutral “oh, that’s not right.” However, everyone experiences dysphoria differently, so that may not be case for you.) Sometimes, though, I can’t really tell if it’s dysphoria or dissociation. It’s a murky middle ground.

WRT to sexual orientation, it’s important to remember that like. You don’t really need to have a set one, and you don’t need to tell anyone else if you don’t want to. I identify as bisexual, and sometimes I lean more towards this gender or that one, sometimes there’s no preference at all, sometimes I can’t imagine being with one gender and can only imagine myself with another, it’s all very fluid and personally I think that’s an experience a lot of people have outside of dissociation. You don’t need to file any paperwork or have an “official“ sexual orientation you have to stick with. A lot of folks simply identify as “queer“ for that reason. You don’t owe anyone an explanation of your sexual orientation, and it’s okay to not know, and just focus on the people you like, rather than broader categories like gender.

WRT your own gender identity, a lot of the above still applies. You don’t need a name for your gender if you don’t want one. All other people really have to know are the pronouns you prefer, which you can change whenever. I have some parts that are women, though most of them don’t fully front very often, and when they do they don’t really mind the body they’re in, or the pronouns folks use for them. I on a whole identify as nonbinary/transmasc solely because most of the parts that do front either identify that way, or don’t mind identifying that way. I, as a part, personally don’t remember coming out, or identifying any differently. I know I’ve been out since around 7th grade even though I don’t remember it, and most parts that are most present don’t remember high school or anything before it. For me, I’m mostly taking an “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it“ approach. I came into consciousness identifying as transmasculine, and I don’t have strong feelings about NOT being transmasculine, neither do any of the parts I’m aware of. Overall, 99% of the time, parts present either identify as nonbinary/transmasc, or don’t take issue with being perceived that way.

I think it’s also important to remember that with social transition, you’re allowed to basically do whatever you want. You can cut your hair and it’ll grow back. You can buy new clothes and return them. You can wear makeup or not wear makeup, bind or not bind, tuck or not tuck, and pretty much everything is reversible. As long as you are being safe, you can try out as many gender presentations as you like.

With HRT and surgeries, this is not the case. While stopping HRT can reverse SOME of the effects, there are some things that will not go back to the way they were. It’s important to remember your whole self and consider all aspects, as folks with dissociative parts may have more complicated relationships with their gender and their body. It’s also important to remember HRT will change aspects of your body, but won’t change you. Medical transition is a huge decision, and one that can very positively change your life, but also has the potential to negatively impact you, too. You also do NOT have to medically transition to be valid in your gender identity, nor do you owe anyone an explanation as to why you choose or choose not to medically transition. If you take a while to decide, the choice to start will always be there. You can always decide that you want to start medical transition later.

Depending on where you are and where you go to medically transition though, they may already have these safeguards in place to make sure you don’t do something you regret later. It’s important even for non-dissociative folks to carefully consider the choice to medically transition.

This has all been very rambly, and I’m sorry. I just wanted to get an answer out because this ask has been sitting in my inbox for a while.

#asks #gender and DID #actuallydid #dissociative identity disorder #ask to tag

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