#that they take every opportunity to invalidate people who are experiencing any other kind of love or worry for another living thing

[guardianspirits13]

I wanna talk about Natsuo Todoroki for a second here.

tw// mentions of abuse, self harm, and suicide

Natsuo visibly has the most emotional trauma out of anyone else in his family (Touya not included), and I really wanna talk about why that is.

For starters, we haven't seen him really smile since he was introduced in chapter 187. He's introduced as having a friendly, easygoing persona and it's easy to imagine this is how most people outside of his family know him. However, every time we see him appear since then, another layer of his trauma is revealed and expanded upon, and it cuts DEEP.

I think the main reason that Natsuo still seems so vulnerable compared to the rest of his family is different than what you'd assume. Fuyumi and Shouto both spend a lot of time around Endeavor, and have been in close proximity to his (relatively recent) decision to atone. They have seen his growth firsthand and come to terms with it. Rei has obviously taken a very different path to healing- not entirely voluntarily- but she has been working with doctors and therapists for years to change and recover and reconnect with herself and her children. Natsuo is off at college, and takes every opportunity he can to avoid Endeavor. He (understandably) wants nothing to do with him, and shows stagnant resistance to his attempts to atone.

The reason why Natsuo can't move on from the past is because his trauma didn't come from Endeavor. It came from Touya.

Now initially we were led to believe that it was simply Touya's untimely death that still bothers Natsuo, and it makes sense seeing how Endeavor drove him to the edge. Losing his best friend and brother as a young kid without parents to support him or any therapist to speak of can absolutely been the source of persistent emotional damage, but the more and more we learn about Touya's situation, the more evident it becomes that Natsuo's trauma is much much deeper than even grief.

Touya, as we know, was driven by an ambition instilled in him by his father and experienced extreme rejection sensitivity when those ambitions were no longer realistic. Touya's relationship with his parents could be described as insecure attachment, a psychological term primarily regarding how kids react and respond to their parents and other close relationships. As he was raised, Touya learned to equate his potential to be a hero with his personal worth and similarly confounded attention with love. The difference being, of course, that love is unconditional, but even attention was being continually directed away from him as a punishment for continuing to train and burn himself so he could once again become worthy in his fathers' eyes.

This is where Natsuo comes in. At first it was assumed that all of the Todoroki children were born out of Endeavor's strong-willed desire to have a child that could surpass All Might, but we learned that this isn't exactly the case. I'd argue that it was narratively poetic on Horikoshi's part once this was expanded upon. Fuyumi was born to support and encourage her brother, and that is the exact role she plays 23 years later, keeping her family together.

Natsuo's case is even more intersting.

It was bad enough if Natsuo was only born for the potential of his quirk, but it's even more sinister that the sole intent behind his birth was to discourage Touya from his ambitions. I'd say it was to replace him, but it was more to promote the idea that Touya was expendable than to raise aonther kid with the same ideals but the potential to actually achieve it, although that was definitely a secondary motivation.

The parallelism in this is how much Natsuo's life revolves around Touya. He was born because of Touya, he looked up to and took care of Touya as a kid, and the absence of Touya in the present continues to drive him and his decisions in life (but more on that later).

I continue to pray that we will eventually get more solid backstory on Natsuo and Touya's relationship as kids and where it cut off, wether on a bad note or not, but there are a few things we know for certain. One, Touya was mentally ill. Yes, he was rejected by his parents but he seems to have been particularly vulnerable to this compared to any of his siblings since he was the first of them and thus relied only on his parents for validation in his early years. He shows early signs of a variety of different mental disorders, particularly BPD, which I have previously written a whole analysis for on its own. Touya is shown self-harming both by the very nature of his quirk and even by very directly ripping his hair out. He was incredibly self-destructive.

This is why it is so much more concerning to me that Natsuo, who was AT LEAST four years younger than him, was his primary source of comfort. Natsuo was too young to have known anything more than 'my big brother is sad that daddy won't train him anymore' and he obviously wasn't equipped in any way to handle Touya's severe mental illness. Touya most definitely needed professional treaatment as his forms of coping were abnormal even for the neglect and rejection that he experienced. Natsuo comforted Touya through breakdown after breakdown, and more than that Touya relied on him and came to him voluntarily for support. Natsuo was the best option he had, and he took full advantage of that. The main source of Natsuo's trauma was Touya's reliance on him.

Not to say at all that this was in any way Touya's fault- he was mentally ill and desperately in need of some form of comfort to keep him sane; it was almost a survival method at this point since neither of his parents really acknowleged him at all anymore. Touya's instability hurt Natsuo more than parental neglect ever did, but it was the neglect that enabled it and striped Touya of the supportive atmosphere he would have needed at this point not only to prevent but to heal from the mental damage he had already suffered.

Natsuo dealt with this for years and you can see how much it hurt him to see Touya in so much pain, not only from Endeavor's rejection but from his own self harm as well. For Natuso to know that his brotherly love would never be the same as having loving parents; would neve be enough- but at least it was something so he continued to love and care about his brother for little in return- is indicative of the kind of character he is.

(Edit: After the events of chapter 302 we know that Natsuo's relationship with Touya wasn't perfect. I will elaborate more on this in a different post, but I just wanted to clarify that although we were shown a very high-tension scene between them, it is implied that this was a regular occurrence that Natsuo was usually more receptive too but tired out of, in addition to Touya's spiraling mental health. It fit with the natrative to show the tension Touya was feeling with his family from all directions, but Natsu and Touya clearly had a stronger relationship up to and before this point, evidenced by their sharing a room and playing together regularly.)

He is incredibly selfless, and it's interesting to note how many of his positive qualities as an adult stem from negative experiences as a kid. He never really felt love from his parents, so he relied on Touya (and likely also Fuyumi) for that as well. If he grew up learning he had to give love in order to recieve it back, it absolutely influenced who he became in the future, a solid example of this being the responsibility he feels to reach out and have a relationship with Shouto and further regrets that he wasn't able to help his abuse in the past either. Another aspect of his character that intruigues me is how gentle he is. Personality-wise he seems about as opposite as he could be from the awkward, stoic, emotionally-stunted person that is Endeavor.

There are a couple of reasons for this, beyond what I've already discussed.

One, he had little to no contact with elements of toxic masculinity growing up, especially not from Endeavor.

Two, most of the influence he did have growing up was from Fuyumi, who is established to have endlessly cared for him since he was a literal baby.

Three, he grew up in a household where almost everyone around him was in much more literal, immediate pain than he was so he developed a very strong sense of empathy that might also have been tied to early survivor's guilt.

Now I have one important distinction to make, and that's the temptation to label him as a 'softboy' or something of the like after seeing him caring for his family and more pointedly, watching him break down in tears during chapter 252. While there is absolutely nothing wrong with men being soft or vulnerable (on the contrary it's actually so so important and relevant that Hori is writing characters like this in a mainstream shounen manga but that's an essay for another time), it is unfair to label him as such based on a moment when his trauma is being exposed.

Because his truama stems from such a young age, there is a blurry line between just being born with more emotional intelligence and the situation he was in fostering those traits. You know, the classic nature/nurture thing. My point being, it's important to tread carefully when discussing the nature of his personality to avoid invalidating his trauma; I have no doubt that he is very strong for having survived these things, and the moments we see of him onscreen are definitely among his most vulnerable.

Another thing that people less familiar with Natsuo's character might assume is that he is hot-headed and argumentative. I thought that at first too- after all, he doesn't seem to shy away from yelling at Endeavor when given the opportunity. However, this doesn't seem to be the case at all.

The first real scene we see him in with Endeavor, the man walks into the room and Natsuo decides he can't handle it and goes to leave. However, Endeavor happens to be blocking the doorway. Endeavor physically stops him and provokes him to his face, asking him to say whatever is on him mind. While Natsuo is notably not confrontational, Endeavor is. I think it's fair to say that he felt at least uneasy at this gesture. Natsuo is very honest with his feelings, and it's obvious that he's pissed at the audacity of Endeavor to be so oblivious to his own son. This is presumably one of the first real interactions they've ever really had, and at this point Natsuo has been dealing with trauma (caused by Endeavor!) on his own for years, and Endeavor seems completely oblivious to his pain and dismmisive to the rest of the family's as well.

Again during the internship arc Natsuo tries to get along with Endeavor and this time he actually gives it a fleeting chance. Tensions are high, however, and the conversation very quickly becomes uncomfortable, at which point he leaves. It is continually implied that Natsuo is uncomfortable being around Endeavor because his very presence brings up painful thoughts and memories of a time when sharing the same space as him was a warning to run and hide. This is later directly confirmed by Natsuo as he says that every time he looks at Endeavor's face he remembers Touya and the pain he was in.

I feel like an important side note is that we have never seen Natsuo outside the context of his family, which is understandable, as the role he plays in the story directly relates to them. However, if you take a look at Shouto, even though his experiences have shaped him to become who he is, he definitely acts differently when Endeavor's not in the vicinity.

Back to Touya's death, it would be very rare that someone would mourn a death for an entire decade without finding closure unless there are other factors preventing it, and uncomfortably this seems to be the same thing for both Natsuo and Endeavor: guilt.

This is getting incredibly long already, but it's important to note that Natsuo probably felt an incredible responsibility to take care of Touya and protect him because of his empathetic nature. His love was never going to be the same as having loving parents. His encouragement was never going to be the same as having support from Endeavor. Even further than then neglect and abandonement, it was not being able to save Touya that really made Natsuo feel worthless.

He seems to try and remedy this inability to save Touya and diminish his guilt by doing everything he can to be better. He reaches out to Shouto to be a better brother, he consistently pushes his limits to entertain Fuyumi's notion of a happy family, and he's working hard towards a degree rhat will allow him to help people like Touya (and Rei) because he failed to do so in the past.

His bio mildly implies that he didn't have much of a direction he was heading in after high school, but Fuyumi's encouragement led him to seek out his current college career. This goes back to Natsuo's 'purpose' in a sense revolving arount Touya, from his birth to his relationship with him to his death, after which he lost his direction. They were always rather inseperable, so naturally their seperation hit Natsuo hard. He lost his direction in life so when Fuyumi encouraged him to rediscover it, he thought of helping people, because that's ultimately what he was born to do.

Thank you so, so much for reading this if you made it to the end! I clearly have a lot of thoughts on this. Let me know what you think about it as well, and hopefully we'll get more info on this soon in the manga :)

#bnha 203 #bnha spoilers #long post #natsuo todoroki #todoroki natsuo #bnha meta #mymeta #todoroki touya

[whentherewerebicycles]

Hi! I really hope this isn’t overstepping but I don’t know any grown up lesbians irl (I mean I’m 23 so I guess technically I’m a grown up but for the purposes of this question it doesn’t count). Anyway, you can delete this if you want, but here’s the sitch: I met this girl like 9 months ago at work and first we hated each other and then we became friends and then we started hooking up but just as friends. I’m leaving this job in a few weeks and moving across the country, and I’m having all sorts of complicated feelings about this. Like, I don’t really want to date her, but we haven’t hooked up lately and i think I’m experiencing that as a kind of rejection of me as a friend even tho we’re still friends and do friend stuff together, just minus the kissing. And those rejection-feelings are making me sad. And I guess my question is, since you seem like someone who is really good at processing emotions and sort of regulating your responses—how do I do that? Like how do I become okay with things, especially things that I didn’t think would happen? I’m sorry I know that’s really broad and not really an answerable thing but if you have any advice I would really appreciate it. Thank you

aww it's not overstepping! i am happy to be a Grownup IRL Lesbian in this situation, although yknow take everything with a grain of salt as i am just one person and this is just one perspective. it sounds like there are a couple things at play here... one has to do with communication between the two of you and one has to do with emotional self-regulation. the communication piece i have historically been less adept at handling than the emotional self-regulation piece, but i have a best friend who is very good at it, and i feel like i have learned a lot from watching her navigate these kinds of emotionally sticky situations. so i will tell you what i think she would do -- and i will also tell you that historically, while communicating clearly with people has not always gotten her the outcome that she wanted, she always seems to feel a LOT better for having done it, and it clears the way for her to do the emotional self-regulating part more easily without having to also wade through lots of emotional projecting / attempts at reading the other person's mind.

it sounds like the way this relationship started (because it IS a relationship, even if it's not a capital R relationship) may have laid the groundwork for what's happening now. you say you hated each other at first, so you probably didn't feel comfortable or at ease around each other, and you may have established a pattern of not treating each other with special consideration or thoughtfulness (even if you aren't outright antagonistic towards each other). i'm also assuming (though correct me if i'm wrong?) that the transition into being friends who hook up probably wasn't discussed much at the outset or was treated as a casual thing that didn't need a lot of communication or clear boundaries (since it wasn't a capital R relationship). that kind of thing happens! i think it especially happens in your early 20s (and maybe also in situations where the two women involved don't have a lot of experience dating women or navigating that tricky 'are we friends or...?' kinda thing). but, again, it seems like it might be laying the groundwork for what's happening right now, where one person has withdrawn without explaining why, and the other person is left feeling rejected or confused about what's happening. it also doesn't sound like you think of this as something that could be resolved between the two of you -- you're asking for advice on how to manage your own feelings about the situation, rather than advice on how to address it with her.

from ten years of observing my best friend, i have found that she tends to operate according to the following principles:

ask the person in advance if you can have a conversation with them about something that's bothering you (instead of springing it on them in a social situation when they're not expecting it). it doesn't have to be a big serious We Need to Talk thing. you can make it clear that you're coming into it from a casual, friendly, 'can we try to work this out together' place, not from an attacking place (so as to avoid making the other person defensive)

have the conversation in person instead of over text (it's awkward but trust me TRUST ME it's better)

don't assume that you know what the other person is thinking or why they're acting the way they are. use "I" statements and try to frame things in ways that defuse tension and don't put the other person on the defensive. in your situation, you could say something like, "hey, so, I've noticed that we aren't really hooking up anymore. i respect your choices, and i'm completely okay with that if it's what you want to do. but i've been feeling kind of mixed up and sad about it, i was wondering if we could talk about what the next few weeks of our friendship are going to be like." you can also ask open-ended, nonjudgmental questions: "would you feel more comfortable not hooking up anymore, since i'm about to move?" "would you still like to hang out even if we're not going to be hooking up?" and you can voice your own preferences too - "i'd really like to keep hanging out, but it would help me feel better/more secure to know what you're thinking re: hooking up again," or even "i think it's getting harder for me to separate my feelings about the friendship from the hooking up - i think it might be better for us to stop hanging out."

think about what you want the result of the conversation to be -- not necessarily your most desired outcome, but what your priorities are re: the relationship and your personal needs for closure. you can go into a conversation hoping for a certain outcome ("i hope she says it was just a mistake, apologies, and says she wants to keep hooking up until i leave") but you have no control over whether or not you get that outcome, and you may just be setting yourself up for disappointment. what you can do, though, is set priorities for yourself, so that in the conversation, you are making choices or discussing things in a way that aligns with those longer-term goals. an example of that kind of priority might be something like - "I don't really need to keep in touch with this person after I move, but I want to leave on a good note - so I want to prioritize keeping the conversation positive and friendly, without either of us resorting to the animosity we used to feel towards each other when we first met." or you might set a priority like, "I actually do want to maintain this friendship in some form, and to do that I need to feel like we can be comfortable enough with each other talking to each other openly. I don't know how she'll respond or if preserving the relationship will be important to her at all, but I want to prioritize clearly sharing my own needs and feelings, giving her the opportunity to respond in kind, and modeling what i hope our friendship could look like going forward." getting clear in your own mind about your priorities in advance is different from attempting to emotionally project onto the other person or to control/manipulate their actions in some way. it's something that prepares you to communicate well with another person, but at its core it's an emotional self-regulation strategy -- a way for you to check in with yourself and decide in advance what your 'values' for the conversation are going to be. in the middle of the conversation, you may start feeling defensive, angry, hurt, rejected, or some other Big Feeling that causes you to want to react instinctively and impulsively, or makes it more likely that you'll cave on something you don't really want to cave on. doing some of this thinking beforehand gives you something to refer back to when you're feeling emotionally overwhelmed in the middle of a difficult conversation.

remember that you can only regulate the way you act and respond in a situation. so your priorities can be not just about your hopes for the tone of the conversation or the longer-term outcomes, but also about how you want to respond if things don't go well. poor communicators often tend to interpret attempts to openly, directly communicate or to set boundaries as an attack of some kind or an attempt to manipulate the situation. if she's not a very good communicator, it's possible that she might respond negatively to your attempts to have a calm, direct conversation -- whether it's by lashing out, dismissing or invalidating your feelings, changing the subject, stonewalling you, or trying to turn the situation around on you to make it somehow your fault. remember that if someone is violating your boundaries or making you feel shitty about yourself, you can always leave the conversation. it's not you failing as a communicator -- it's that the other person just isn't able to communicate with you in a healthy, productive way. i feel like when i was first dating women (and navigating breakups or complicated conversations like this one), i used to get sucked into these long, drawn-out processing conversations, which would sometimes last for hours and could be really painful. and i always used to think that to communicate well, or to be a respectful partner, i owed it to the other person to sit there and listen to everything they wanted to say to me, even if it was really cruel or was upsetting me. or if i was breaking up with someone, i owed it to them to answer every single angry or hurt question they asked me, because i was "hurting" them by breaking up with them, and so they were entitled to hurting me back or to dragging me through hours of processing. but that is NOT the case. not to traffic in stereotypes too much, but i think that women are socialized to feel like extensive emotional processing is always required / necessary, that we owe other people our undivided emotional energy and time, and that setting reasonable boundaries or calmly stating our needs is somehow "hurting" or inconveniencing other people in some way. this is simply not true. you have an ethical obligation to respect other people's autonomy and human dignity, and you have the right to expect that they communicate with and treat you with that same basic respect. watching my bff communicate has helped me realize that setting healthy boundaries (and then clearly demonstrating that you will honor those boundaries, by removing yourself from the situation if they are violated) is a way of showing respect to yourself and can also be important for the other person to see. like, way too often poor communicators are rewarded for poor or immature communication by getting what they want from the other person -- whether it's wanting the other person to fight back, or seeing the other person be visibly hurt/filled with self-doubt, or successfully manipulating the other person into doing what they want. every time you let people violate your boundaries, you positively reinforce the idea that emotionally manipulative or disrespectful behavior gets them what they want. by choosing to leave, or knowing where your own emotional boundaries are and having a plan for what you'll do if they're violated, you can protect yourself while also avoiding inadvertently providing that positive reinforcement. btw i don't necessarily anticipate that all of this stuff will be relevant in your situation! but i think it's good to keep in mind, especially if there's a history of antagonism there in the early stages of your friendship. also it's just good Lesbian Dating 101 knowledge to have in general, i think! again, not to generalize too much, but i think that women dating other women can be especially prone to really complicated, painful, emotionally manipulative dynamics, in part because our society teaches women that it is dangerous, unattractive, pushy, selfish, etc to clearly express our feelings/needs and enforce healthy boundaries. not to mention that lesbians and bisexual

women are also more likely to have issues with internalized homophobia, shame, etc, which may cause us to develop lots of maladaptive coping mechanisms, which in turn can further distort our ability to be honest with ourselves about our feelings/needs and to clearly communicate with others. so yknow! as you continue to date and sleep with women i think it's good to be working on your shit while also being attuned to signs that someone else is working through (or avoiding working through) their own shit.

also remember that, while it's good to be prepared for worst-case or most stressful outcomes, it's also very possible that having an open, nondefensive, nonjudgmental conversation with her will work! it's very possible that it will go well, that you will work things out in a way that makes you both feel better about each other and about the situation, and that she will take your good communicator cues and respond to you with the same openness and respect you are extending to her. so i wouldn't go into it expecting things to go badly!

anyway to sum all of that up: i do think that my advice would first be to try having a conversation with your friend/casual partner -- and i would especially recommend approaching this conversation not as a Huge Emotional Thing but as a good, low-stakes situation where you can practice your open communication skills! the fact that you are moving in a few weeks imposes natural parameters around this situation, so you don't have to worry about, like, seeing her at work for years to come, or moving in the same social circles as her. i think that can kinda free you up emotionally to take a communication 'risk' or to try something that's a little bit outside of your comfort zone. and whether that conversation goes well or not so well, the experience of reflecting on your priorities for the conversation, making choices in the conversation that align with those priorities, and reflecting back on how it went afterwards can be a really good, really important learning experience. if you can start practicing these things at 23, you will be SO far ahead of where i was at that age, lol, and you really will benefit from having these strategies in your relationship/friendship toolkit.

to get to the question of emotional processing and self-reflection, though, here's how i think i would handle this situation.

first and most importantly: make space for yourself to feel the bad feelings. don't try to downplay or compartmentalize or dismiss what you're experiencing. if you feel sad, rejected, and confused, make space for yourself to really feel those feelings and to acknowledge to yourself that they are real, and they hurt. i often do this in writing (private writing rather than tumblr writing) but i also do it out loud, and i find that saying it aloud can really help me feel that sense of relief/release. a couple months ago a thing happened that really bothered me & made me feel very ashamed and small and embarrassed. and i just spent that morning in my apartment writing through the feelings, and then saying aloud to myself: "I feel really bad right now. I feel really embarrassed, and I feel shame - ie I'm not just embarrassed about something I did; I feel embarrassed right now by who I am as a person. It feels really bad. It makes me feel really small. It stirs up a lot of painful past memories where I've felt like this before, and it's really hard for me right now to not link this situation to those past situations, and to tell myself a story about how I have always been the kind of person other people perceive as too much."

you will absolutely cry a lot, if you are anything like me! but it is a good, cathartic kind of crying. It doesn't exorcise or expel those feelings, but putting them out there in the open allows you to look at them clearly, and to put them outside of yourself instead of doing the shame thing where you repress them and internalize them. internalized shame, for me, always feels like it is literally internalized in my body. repressing or avoiding voicing feelings of shame doesn't make it go away; it just gets internalized as physical tension, like literally stored in my muscles (tight jaw, hunched shoulders, constricted chest, etc). voicing the feeling aloud and letting yourself cry through it (or however you let yourself process big painful feelings) releases that tension, and means that i don't literally "carry it" in my frame like i used to.

when i've let myself feel the big feelings, i start doing something that i think of as bathing myself in acceptance and compassion. this is kind of a metaphor, but i also try to use it as a visualization, kinda? i think of shame and feelings of rejection are emotional experiences that flood my body/mind/senses. so i try to visualize acceptance and self-compassion in a similar but slightly different way. flooding is so violent and is something you have no control over. bathing can similarly 'drench' you in a whole-body feeling, but for me it has connotations of consciously chosen tenderness and care. instead of opening the floodgates of negative feelings, you are choosing to gently care for yourself, to bathe yourself in acceptance and compassion. if i am really really upset about something, and am really having a hard time with shame-flooding, i will sometimes sit in a quiet place somewhere, close my eyes, and actually say those words aloud to myself -- I am bathing myself in accepting and compassion. I am bathing myself in acceptance and compassion -- as I try to visualize those feelings of compassion, permission to feel what i feel, and nonjudgmental acceptance just gently washing over me, again and again. i usually cry some more! i am a big advocate for crying all the time as part of healthy emotional processing! but it really does seem to work, to soothe my flooded brain/body back to a state of calm equilibrium.

at this point, i usually am feeling calm enough that i can look at the situation again and think about it in a less visceral emotional-response way. i've cleared time/space for myself to feel the bad feelings, and then i've consciously chosen to honor those feelings and to make it clear to myself that i'm not going to judge myself harshly or critically, either for feeling what i feel or for whatever i did/failed to do in the original situation that prompted the bad feelings. doing that emotional processing work seems to allow me to reengage the prefrontal cortex and look more carefully at the situation. i tend to do a lot more writing (and some talking-aloud) at this stage, and i try to ask myself lots of open-ended, exploratory questions. when i was very upset and ashamed of the thing that happened a couple months ago, here are some of the questions I asked myself and spent time writing through:

why do I think that situation triggered such a strong emotional response in me?

what was i imagining the other person was thinking about the situation or about me? what are some reasons that upset or distressed me?

i noticed that i started immediately linking this situation to past situations where i've felt the same way. is it possible that the intensity of my response might have less to do with this specific situation, and more to do with other situations it reminded me of?

when i was awash in those shame feelings & linking the situation to past situations, what kind of narrative was i constructing about myself? what story was i telling myself about the kind of person I "am" or have always been?

looking at the same set of facts, can i construct an alternative story about who i am/have been? my initial narrative was really focused on my negative traits and negative past experiences. what would it look like to tell myself a story that centered the ways in which i've grown and changed, or a story that incorporated both traits i like in myself and traits i am less proud of? what might those alternative stories offer that my original story left out?

what could i learn from this experience? without resorting to self-criticism or self-judgment, are there things i might want to do differently when i find myself in this situation again? what choices could i make that might better align with my values or my understanding of the kind of person i want to be in the world? without shifting blame onto the other person, is there anything i can learn from the way they responded -- about how i want to treat others (or avoid treating them) when we're in some kind of conflict with each other?

i really cannot stress how crucial it is for me to actually carve out the time/space to do this kind of deep, sustained emotional processing. in my own emotional history, the things that i have struggled most to get over/move past/grow beyond are the things that i initially brushed off, or told myself were too trivial to feel bad about, or actively repressed because at the time they felt too raw and painful for me to look at or handle directly.

i was just thinking earlier this week about that whole embarrassing / painful experience, and sort of marveling at how easy it is for me now to think about it without feeling it like a wound, or without my mind instinctively trying to deflect or evade thinking about it. looking back at it, i can still see exactly why it caused me pain, and i can still remember/access what that hurt felt like. but i created space for myself to deeply process it -- that is, space to actually acknowledge the feelings; to extend acceptance and compassion to myself for what was past/over; to openly explore what the situation made me feel and why; and to reflect on what i could learn from the experience or take with me moving forward (ie, consciously choosing what i wanted to carry with me from the situation, instead of involuntarily carrying the shame, tension, etc in my body). and that processing allowed me to integrate that painful experience into my sense of who i am and how i relate to other people, in a healthy way that doesn't deny the pain but also doesn't let it become all-consuming, or assume outsize importance in the stories I tell myself about myself.

I'm sorry this got so long! i just really do enjoy and value getting to think aloud about this kind of thing, so thank you for the chance to do so. I don't know how much of this advice will be directly relevant to your situation! I think everybody processes things differently, and while we can learn from closely attending to other people's methods, we all have to figure out how to create and consistently practice healthy coping mechanisms that fit our individual temperament & emotional histories. but i hope that this at least gives you some starting points for thinking about how you might work through your own complicated emotional situation, in a way that feels healthy for you. i wish you the very best of luck!!

#mw #long post #communication #emotions! #just a lil snapshot of the inside of my brain #the jes emotional experience

[serenella-scrive]

Questions I Am Preemptively Answering (1/TBD):

Are any of the ROs virgins? If so, then why? If not, then how experienced are they?

All of the ROs are virgins, and I have a few issues with what I anticipate people really mean when they use the word "experience," so I will just say they have never been in sexual or romantic relationships before, but that does not mean they lack any sort of knowledge or understanding on how to be a good partner or a good person. As for why, generally people don't need to explain this or I would fight them with my fists, but of course I'm answering for my OCs who I love and want to validate at every possible opportunity, so:

TC: Are generally kind of preoccupied with being cursed and all, so. They just never really considered the idea of any sort of intimate partnership outside of general yearning for social and emotional acceptance from someone they don't partly believe is forced to care about them, like their sibling. They're also afraid of hurting other people and don't understand the concept of growing together or being loved unconditionally. Like their sibling, they grew up with love being modeled as something dramatic and painful; being caught in the crosshairs of it and suffering immensely and indefinitely as collateral damage, and it made them miserable enough. Love is courage.

TR: Are entirely focused on breaking the curse, have all but formally dedicated their life to helping their sibling. Also generally not attracted to people, and doesn't bother or desire to spend enough time getting to know them; views most other people as either assets to, or liabilities/distractions from, their quest. They see romantic relationships as being unstable and turbulent and they can't comprehend willingly subjecting themselves to that. They already absolutely unconditionally love their sibling with enough ferocity to bring them to their knees, and that is more than enough. They view love as a conscious decision. Love is dedication.

TB: Extremely aware of their own needs and sensitivities (of which there are many), and are too busy tending to their duties, as well as generally not prone to taking interest in anyone, not even platonically, unless they feel like they really know them and feel safe with them. As a result, their social group is extremely limited, which is precisely their preference. Any partnership they are expected to make wouldn't be for love or passion, anyway, though they do harbor desire for true companionship in their heart, but haven't felt like anything was worth taking action over. They have a strong and active distaste for dalliances of any kind. Love is tenderness.

TP: Being the personal guard of TR is a lot of work, and they grew up with an understanding of their job and place in the world not being conducive to fostering much more than passing friendships. Quite frankly, they're still surprised TR and TC are their friends, and they don't hope for much more. For their parents, love was stability, and they don't even really think they can provide that for someone even if they wanted to. They're also wary of affections being used as a means to an end, hearing stories of the terrible consequences of guards who had let their defenses down out of love or desire for the wrong person; that other people ended up hurt in the process. And to love someone without trusting them, risking the safety of others in the process, doesn't seem like a love worth having at all to TP. Love is thoughfulness.

TL: Partnerships outside of having a strong support system within their magical circle never really appealed to them. They were kind of solitary anyway, preferring to learn and do things, so they kept themselves busy and ascended socially because of their dedication, which they are extremely proud of. They're happy and fulfilled on their own, and take offense to the idea that they're lacking something, overcorrecting others' ignorance by stubbornly avoiding relationships altogether. If they ever were to like someone romantically, they would need time to accept that it does not invalidate the part of themselves that generally does not experience those desires, and that real love comes in many fluctuating and sometimes frustrating forms. Love is understanding.

(Final Note: This story is still in the beginning stages, and while this RO information will not change at its core, I reserve the right to edit or repost this information whenever I feel like updating its contents and adding links to resources or related posts.)

#ch[ro]:all #ch[ro]:all:sexuality #asks:preemptive #asked:me #ch[ro]:all:information #ch[ro]:all:deusdice #tags to be edited #story:[important posts] #story:[deus dice]

[postmodernmulticoloredcloak]

What are your thoughts about how Dean's being treated in the narrative this season? I was excited starting out but so far, I've just been disappointed by how he just seems superfluous to the plot. And I don't understand why the writers seem to be taking shots at him in almost every episode. The Achilles' heel thing, putting responsibility for the rift on his shoulders (while Cas' part is handwaved away), Garth's snub in naming his children, his undisputed claim that Sam is better than him (1)

at everything, Fortuna’s insult…it’s just a lot. Maybe it wouldn’t be so jarring if Dean wasn’t the only character being consistently treated like that. To be fair, it hasn’t been all bad. I’ve liked some of his character development (although I find his new tendency to not voice his dissenting opinion a little worrisome, given his natural intuition) and there have been some awesome scenes like standing up to Chuck. But I just don’t know…(2)

Thank you for this ask! I think it’s an interesting thing to explore. I have been feeling a little iffy about some things this season, too, so I want to use this opportunity to sort through my own thoughts. It’s gonna get long so I’ll put a read more…

Let’s start from the easy part. 15x11: I don’t think that Fortuna was genuine when she made that comment about Dean, and we’re not supposed to take the beach read comment as a reliable perspective. All she does is a sort of test to read them; she lets both Dean and Sam win a match against her at first, as a sort of test but also as a trick to make her opponent confident and make him play again. Except that Dean’s second match is against a very talented player, and he wins not because he’s lucky, but because he’s genuinely skilled. He proves that his skills at pool - a shorthand for his skills in general, which they had been doubting of, wondering whether it was all Chuck - are real. 

Could skills beat luck? Probably not when luck is the goddess of luck herself, but I wonder whether Fortuna picked Sam as her opponent when stakes got high instead of Dean because she wanted to play against the less skilled of the two. I think that she’s playing them on and also off the pool table, and Dean realizes this when she goes “this one could be interesting”, you can tell from his reaction that he’s like “hey that’s a trick to play with the less skilled one of us” but Sam takes the bait. She also pretends to fall for Sam’s trick of distracting her by making her talk, just to reveal she can win whenever she wants to when the stakes are final. From what we’ve seen of her, I think we can infer that her modus operandi is to make people confident, so they’ll play again, higher the stakes, and then lose, not necessarily against her, just against someone, and lose their luck - she plays first with Dean when she doesn’t know who he is, and I assume it’s a common trick - let the newcomer win to stroke his confidence. (In gambling, the idea is to give players smalls wins to make them gamble more, and lose more.)

So, the narrative doesn’t give us any reason to believe that Dean isn’t right when he says that he is better than Sam at pool, and the point of the “beach read” comment is that he is not a beach read. Fortuna is supposed to be an unreliable narrator at that point, because she’s testing them. In fact, at the end, she rewards them on the ground of being “heroes”, which invalidates her previous statement, be it genuine or not.

Also consider that “sexy but skimmable” i.e. a pretty idiot, is the sort of taunt that Dean has received often in his life. If Fortuna is truly skilled at reading people, then she picks exactly something that has a history for Dean, and also something that has a history for Sam, i.e. that he’s more “interesting” (smart, skilled, whatever) than his brother. Coincidence?

That he’s pretty but otherwise worthless is something Dean has internalized by being told, not necessarily in words, over and over in his life. That reminded me of John’s old hunter friend who was like “didn’t you grow up pretty” and “if your father could see you now”. It took Dean a long time (and with plenty of fallbacks) to realize he’s more than a pretty face who follows orders. On the other hand, that he’s a more interesting “read” to Dean’s “beach read” is something Sam’s always had in his mind (he was the one who questioned the orders while Dean acted as John’s faithful little dog…) and it took him a long time, and some big blows to his own ego, to get out of that mindset.

So I don’t think it’s random that Fortuna goes for, you know, down with Dean and up with Sam, so to speak.

Dean’s statement that Sam is better than him at everything except pool - I read that as a very parental thing. It’s a very parent thing: telling your child that they’re proud of them for surpassing you. It should be the goal of a parent, you know, that your child is a better person than you - and a parent being like, you’ve become more skilled than me at my skills (except this one non-fundamental thing I can still kick your ass at :p) and I am proud of you, is a common trope.

So I read that as a small but very strong Dean-as-Sam’s-parent moment. Recently Sam also mentioned out loud that Dean raised him, so the writing team has not dropped this very important piece of characterization.

15x10. I think that the point is that Garth is Dean’s friend first and foremost. He doesn’t name his kids after his friends plural, he names his kids after the most important people for his friend singular. That’s how I read it at least. It’s weird because Dean hears one twin is named after Sam and assumes the two siblings are named after the two siblings, and the dissonance between his expectation and reality is what makes the humor. Also… Garth and Dean are a “who knows maybe in another life” kind of duo, you know…? They have a chemistry. Garth is Dean’s type, once you go past the appearances, and judging from Garth’s choice in wife, Dean’s pretty much his type too. You don’t name a child after that kind of person in your life.

Also, from a extra-diegetic perspective, Dean’s mirror is Gertie (from the name Gertrude meaning “strong spear/spear of strength”), the girl, because he’s always aligned with the feminine.

15x09. Now, this is the episode I’ve struggled the most with. Not sure if the problem is the episode itself, or the fact that the episode came after a season of the fandom acting a certain way towards Dean and Cas and their conflict, and that colored the episode a certain tint for me.

I’m kind of suspending judgement as I wait to see how the rest of the season goes and how Dean and Cas’ relationship develops, but my fear is that the narrative never really allows Dean to have emotions, so to speak, nor addresses Cas’ side of the issue(s). 15x09 itself is telling of a certain problem - Dean is experiencing certain emotions and going through a certain thing with Cas, but bam something happens that makes him terrified that he’s lost Cas again, and that forces him to scrap what he was going through. I’m not sure I’m explaining myself well here but bear with me.

He doesn’t get to sort through his emotions, he just goes in emergency mode again and the emergency just gives a yank to his emotions. I suppose the intent was “situation makes Dean realize he doesn’t want to lose Cas/he was wrong at making Cas the emotional scapegoat of his anger” but I don’t think it really worked. Dean was grieving and experiencing one of the most severe traumatic things in his life (actually, multiple at the same time). There’s no “right” or “wrong” in his emotions. I’m not saying that grief/trauma gives you a free card to be mean to others but… I mean, it does?? I think we’ve sort of created a culture of yelling “that’s abusive!!” at what are normal human experiences and expect that a person should act “properly” at all times. There’s a refrain of “x experience explains the behavior of y but doesn’t justify it!” which, sure, is valid with certain kinds of behavior, but there’s a whole jumble of normal human experiences in between “good” behavior and unjustifiable behavior.

Maybe I’m just culturally Catholic to the core, but all this pressure on Dean to beg for forgiveness for being harsh to Cas feels… iffy to me.

I guess I see forgiveness a bit differently, too, because I don’t think forgiveness - and especially when and how quickly you get there - is a choice. If Dean wasn’t emotionally ready to forgive Cas and open up emotionally to him again, then making him feel guilty for not being quick enough to get there is not exactly my idea of a healthy process.

Then there’s the “you didn’t stop me”, which, I get the whole thing behind it - Cas’ deepest fear is that Dean doesn’t care if he leaves, Dean’s deepest fear is that Cas is better off if he leaves, so, draaaama~~. But Dean has a history of people leaving him and feeling he can’t (isn’t worth) ask them to stay instead. Sure, it’s good drama. But I’m not sure that the narrative is allowing the space for understanding that Dean needs the emotional security of feeling like he’s worth to ask to stay just like Cas needs the emotional security of feeling like he has a place where he belongs and isn’t just a guest.

Again, I think it would be unfair to draw judgement of a narrative that is ongoing, and I hope that my fears are unfounded and the narrative will address what I wish it addresses! Of course with a little less than half a season still to go, emotional conflicts and character development can’t be wrapped up yet.

Another point you bring up is Dean’s reluctance to express his dissenting opinion. I do not think we have a pattern yet - his acceptance of Sam’s decision not to trap Chuck was intended, I guess, as a moment of growth in the sense that he acknowledged that Sam is a grown adult capable of drawing his judgement and make informed decisions, so he trusts Sam’s judgement and doesn’t drill him with questions. We still have to see how they all react to Jack’s revelation about Billie’s plan, so I would say to wait and see about that. Dean’s face at the end is not a “well this is excellent news” face, nor is Sam’s (who is framed after Jack talks about getting stronger, which is something Sam has a history with). Considering this season brought Lilith back, I’m sure they haven’t forgotten about Sam’s demon blood arc... I do wonder if Dean will avoid getting too confrontational with Cas, though. We’ll see.

Now, you say that he seems “superfluous to the plot”. I would normally say, well of course he’s superfluous to the plot, he’s the protagonist, he’s the one that reacts to the plot that happens around him. But I understand this is not the kind of answer you’re looking for. Honestly, I might be wrong, but I think that the first roughly-half of the season is the Male Part. The second part of the season should be the Female Part. In the first part, Chuck is rampant, Billie’s plan is dormant, Amara is minding her business and not being relevant to the plot, the plot is Sam-heavy, Rowena dies and reverts to playing a game of power, Mary is dead, Eileen is a piece played by Chuck. Now, with Billie’s plan being put in motion (although I don’t believe that’s the endgame or a Good Thing™ in unquestioning terms, but it’s still Death entering the game), I think a new phase should start. Dean confronting Chuck was already a start, and also how they got some support from a female deity that expressed negative opinions about Chuck -- I think that we’ve entered the second part of the season, and things are going to change. I’m looking forward to see what will be Amara’s role in all of this... especially considering that’s inextricably related to Dean’s role.

Feel free to ask for any clarification or addition or argument!!

#anon #my spn thoughts #spn meta #spn 15x09 #spn 15x10 #spn 15x11 #dean #dean and sam #dean and cas #dean and garth #spn

[skvaderarts]

Apocrypha Chapter Twenty: Respite

Masterlist can be found Here! Thanks!

Chapter Twenty: Respite

Note: Wow. Chapter twenty and were probably only half way through this fic! It's been a blast so far, and I'd like to take a moment to say thank you for forty total chapters and just shy of 150k words so far in this series. And to top it off, DMC5SE is coming in the future?! What a time to be alive and part of the DMC community! (unless you're on pc like me because screw us, I guess. At least we get Vergil, but still). Thanks for coming along for the ride so far! I hope it's been worth it. A metaphorical toast to the first twenty and here's to twenty more!

(-~-)

Dinner had gone relatively well, all things considered.

Finding a restaurant that was willing to accommodate such a large group had been a respectable challenge, but in the end they settled on a small outdoor establishment. While they had to push two tables together in order to sit as a group, it had all worked out just fine in the end.

While the vast majority of the conversation that took place was between Patty, Nero, and the other girls, Dante occasionally joined in with a few witty rejoinders of his own, normally at Vergil's expense. V simply attended the dinner, eating quietly and mostly keeping to himself. Despite the fact that he had agreed to attend dinner, it was due more to a sense of personal obligation than anything else. He'd be lying if he said that he had been very hungry. The events at the beach had basically annihilated his appetite.

Once back at the hotel, everyone was more than ready to turn in for the night. There were still two days left on their trip, and everyone was eager to have a chance to explore the town and experience everything it had to offer. Well, at least for the most part. Kyrie was certain that she wanted to go back to the beach, at least for a few hours. She'd enjoyed herself in the bathing suit they had picked out for her, and she was going to take every opportunity that she could to wear it. Doing so in Fortuna would be a bit… scandalous. Through no fault of her own, she simply had the misfortune to live in a place that was more than a bit old fashioned, especially when it came to the way people were expected to dress. Most of them had probably never seen a bathing suit before.

As the group was going their separate ways in the lobby, Nero stretched and rubbed his eyes slightly, garnering a similar response from V who substituted stretching for a badly concealed yawn. He seemed painfully aware of how everyone was looking at him for trying to do so. Who tried to conceal a yawn?

Much to V's relief, Vergil broke the silence between them, seemingly unwilling to stand around the entire night and watch everyone watch everyone else. He stepped forward, his arms folded around himself as he glanced in the direction of the children. The oldest child, Julio, seemed more than ready to go to bed; now sufficiently tired and unwilling to stay up much longer. Kyle wasn't much better. He seemed to be just a few minutes shy of falling asleep on his feet, swaying back and forth as he blinked heavily. Carlo on the other hand was still just as full of energy as he always was. While he wasn't exactly hyper, the abundance of other people around to provide attention to him wasn't something he was willing to overlook. But as always, he gravitated towards those he knew best and chose to linger close to Nero and V, a decision that put him in the middle of their walking path and made him nearly impossible to overlook.

Honestly, his eagerness to hug the legs of everyone in the lobby was adorable, something that Vergil had experienced first hand himself earlier that day. The small child stopped darting between Kyrie and Nero's legs and stole an occasional glance at the much taller man, earning him a curious look and resulting in a few playful giggles. Vergil sighed. This was going to be a long night. While he found the child's behavior�� typical for someone his age, for perhaps the first time since his return from the underworld, he felt an immense desire to simply go to sleep for the night. He didn't feel like fighting a small child the entire night to do so. But he wasn't backing down from his agreement, either. As far as he was concerned, that would be just as bad, if not worse, than simply refusing to do so in the first place.

"... Is he always like this," Vergil said as Carlo darted away from Nero and over towards V. The summoner in question was leaned against a nearby wall, seemingly waiting for an opportunity to disappear up the stairs and into the waiting blankets of his bed. The oldest Son of Sparda could only assume that Dante was going to be voted out of the bed due to a combination of his oldest son's inability to sleep on a couch that small and his youngest son's inevitable refusal to do so. Part of him was honestly irritated that he wouldn't be there to watch him suffer pointlessly, but the other part of him that didn't participate in such petty foolishness was actually glad that he probably wouldn't have to share a bed with any of them. Despite the undeniable closeness of their blood relation to one another, if anyone so much as bumped him in his sleep, they were likely to be skinned alive. That would be terribly inconsiderate towards the cleaning staff come mourning.

V shared a glance at Carlo, seemingly taking a moment to assess the room. Once sufficiently sure that no one was watching him, V took the opportunity to fluff the small boy's head and pat him on the shoulder, earning him a leg hug before he ushered the excited child back towards the rest of his family. Vergil couldn't help but notice the level of peace that seemed to wash over him as he watched the little one toddle back across the room, the young summoner seemingly pleased by the attention that Carlo always made time to show him. Where else was he going to obtain such high quality hugs from? Certainly not from Vergil. Maybe Nero? Dante would probably humor him, but he'd make it as uncomfortable and lengthy as possible. That was simply the way he was.

It was an interesting revelation to him that V was so good with Nero's children. He'd seen him interacting with them at the beach earlier that day, critiquing their little sand castles and pretending to be thoroughly impressed. He'd even shared one of his snacks with Kyle and allowed Julio to take shelter from the heat under his umbrella, ignoring the sopping wet mess he'd made out of the beach towel he'd brought to relax on. It was a wonder to him that someone who didn't have any children was so at ease interacting with them. For a moment, he considered the idea that he'd been involved with them to some extent in the past, but dismissed the notion. V wasn't very adept at social interactions with anyone. He just seemed to have a soft spot for Nero's children.

Perhaps if he wasn't so perpetually single…

Vergil's thoughts returned to the matter at hand. He had no reason to dwell on what V decided to do with his personal life. While an observation was perfectly fine with him, dwelling on things he had no say in and no influence over was futile. He would return to his current obligations and leave his consideration for V's crushing and no doubt ceaseless loneliness for another time. If that kind of future was in the cards for him, then he would cross that bridge when he got to it. Vergil himself had never planned to…

He needed to find something to force him to keep his mind on the trial he'd forced himself to undergo. Perhaps proving to Nero that he wasn't entirely awful would gain him some sort of footing in their future conversations. At the very least he hoped that it would alleviate some of the hostility between them. While they were indeed talking now, he couldn't help but notice that Nero made a point of constantly calling him out on his shortcomings. While he wasn't foolish enough to believe that he didn't have that much coming, he dared to allow himself to be optimistic about the possibility that there could be more to their relationship in the future. 

Truly, he wanted Nero to attempt to talk to him in much the same way that V did. He'd proved that he had the capacity to do so in the lobby of the hotel earlier that evening before Dante had interrupted them. As much as he loathed delving into his emotions and the scars and misadventures of his past, he knew that doing so was inevitable if he had any hope of Nero actually moving past his current feeling towards him. The Darkslayer knew that this was a test. It was the first one Nero had bequeathed him, even if he had done so as an extension of V's request. And he had no intention of letting both of his sons think any less of him than he imagined they already did. Such negativity was how they had arrived at such a dark and painful place to start with…

"Yea, basically. He's not really hyper, but he asks a lot of questions," Nero said as Carlo tucked himself under his legs and giggled senselessly. Nero shook his head and reached down to snatch the small boy off of his feet and into his arms, finally ending his wild behavior." Kyle and Julio are basically dead on their feet, so I don't think they are going to put up much of a fight. That and they are probably not excited about sharing a room with a person they know can toss someone halfway across a beach with one hand."

Vergil didn't miss the slight glare that accompanied that statement. Nero wasn't over that yet, it seemed. Apparently Dante was quicker to let that sort of thing go than his son was. Then again, they regularly impaled one another and attempted to render one another invalid, so they were not the best role models in that regard.

Kyle and Julio stumbled over sleepily, seemingly more than ready to find out why they were not in bed yet. All the conversation going on between the adults in the lobby was exceedingly dull to them, especially when all they wanted to do was flop down into a soft bed and take a trip to dreamland.

"Can we go to bed now," Julio asked as he tugged at Nero's sleeve, his best pleading look spread across his face. He was in no mood for this." I'm tired and so is Kyle."

Kyle said nothing, still skirting the line between acute sleep deprivation and face-planting on the floor in a fully comatose state. He seemed to register that they were talking, but couldn't care less about what they were discussing. If it didn't have to do with sleeping, it was of no interest to him.

Nero gestured towards Vergil with a tilt of his head, obviously agreeing that it was time for them to turn in for the night. "You're going with Vergil. Don't give him a hard time."

The oldest of the three young boys pivoted slowly towards Vergil, giving him a sideways look before turning back to Nero with an almost concerned look. He clearly wasn't sure how he felt about the change in arrangements. After a moment, he sighed and yawned sleepily. His body and the adults had made the decision for him. With a conformation glance at his little brother Kyle who only shrugged in disinterest, he glanced back up at Vergil again and rubbed his eyes sleepily.

"I guess we're okay. I just wanna go to sleep."

Vergil didn't think he'd ever agree with a five year old, but life was strange sometimes.

Without warning, Nero hoisted Carlo into Vergil’s unsuspecting arms, sufficiently taking the older demon slayer by surprise. Vergil received the giggling boy, but shot his son a conflicted glance, eyebrow raised. He hadn’t signed up to be slobbered on.

“Yea, you're gonna want to carry him upstairs. He has a hard time with stairs.” Nero said, taking a few steps towards V. He was warming up to the idea of going to sleep, especially after seeing his older sibling yawn yet again. V seemed to be lingering in the lobby out of courtesy.

Vergil held the small child up under the arms, looking at him as though he were a wet puppy who had just tracked mud through the house. Carlo continued to giggle to himself, reaching his short arm out to boop Vergil on the nose. The blue devil blinked in momentary disbelief before closing his eyes and shaking his head slightly. This was going to be a long night.

(-~-)

"Goodnight friend! I'm gonna sleep now. Bye bye!"

Vergil cursed every fiber in his body, both human and demon, that this child had so much energy. He was starting to wonder sarcastically if he'd dodged a bullet by not being present during either of his children's childhoods. Well, at least Nero's. If V's current personality was anything to go by, he was probably an easy child to handle. Nero on the other hand was probably much like this boy. Insatiable and unwilling to let him rest regardless of his level of willingness to compromise with him.

First, he'd tried talking to him when he'd started asking him a million unintelligible questions. Then he'd carved out of a desperate desire to sleep and allowed the child to sleep at the foot of his bed like he'd been so keen to do, a compromise that he was now totally regretting due to the fact that the little boy couldn't seem to stay still. Nero possessed far more patience than he had originally figured, and he was slightly horrified to see just how little he possessed himself. Had that been the point of this entire endeavor? To make him suffer in the same way that he had made them suffer himself? If so, it was definitely working because he was about two seconds from throwing himself out for the window to the cold embrace of the pavement and perhaps finally some form of rest.

Unfortunately death had never allowed him to escape his problems, so he wasn't sure how well that plan would work out. For now, he seemed to be stuck with the hell he'd made for himself. And he was not the least bit pleased. Somehow sleep always eluded him when he actually wanted it, but this was another thing entirely. Never before had a creature so small had such a profound ability to drive him absolutely insane. He couldn't help but shake his head slightly at the moment of clarity that overtook him at the realization that his must have been what his own parents felt like when they had been forced to grapple with him and his trouble-making twin as children. How they had ever kept their composure and not carted them both off to some remote tropical island in a produce crate to be eaten by wild animals was beyond him.

And yet, he couldn't bring himself to be angry at the child.

It was truly strange, but he just couldn't.

While he'd been laying there questioning what crime he had committed that had cursed him in such a manner, little Carlo had clambered up towards the head of the bed and flopped down next to him, taking the opportunity to try and tuck in his little stuffed animal. Vergil hadn't noticed the type of animal that it was, but he knew that it was half as big as the child that owned it, and he apparently refused to sleep without it. Due to the attack on their house just a few months ago that he himself had perpetrated, the little boy was scared to sleep without something to keep him company. The stuffed bear had apparently been a gift from Kyrie to help ease his fears.

Perhaps it was guilt from the fact that he had emotionally scarred a child that was just shy of three years old. Maybe it was the exhaustion setting in. Or maybe, just maybe Vergil had come to the realization that he just couldn't be bothered to combat the child any further and had finally met an opponent that he couldn't defeat. It didn't matter anymore. Carlo had won, and Vergil was going to have to tolerate the tiny child hugging him the entire night like he was an especially long body pillow. He could only hope that he didn't snore or drool, otherwise he just might stab himself.

And he couldn't even find it in himself to be angry.

There was a part of Vergil that wanted to laugh at how preposterous the entire situation was to him. He, the legendary Darkslayer and oldest son to the Great Dark Knight Sparda; usurper to the demon throne and defier of death itself… was but a plaything in the hands of an infant. And for some horrifying reason that he couldn't even begin to care about, he was entirely content with that fact. How had things taken such a drastic turn?

The entire point was moot. He would worry about it in the morning after he returned the little usurper to his legal guardians. His bed might be a bit less cold and might contain fewer pairs of stray socks, but he was sure he would survive. After all, he'd been through much worse. He was willing to tolerate the actions of an adorable curly haired child, at least for one night.

(-~-)

Wow, this chapter was so fun to write! Thanks a bunch for that comment about Vergil spending time with his grandchildren, Rawrbox! It led to such a fun writing experience! I actually strapped the original version of this chapter and chose to go with this. RIP the extra 600 words that I’d written before I read your comment! I hope everyone has a good day, and I’ll see you again on Friday! 

#DMC #DMC5 #DMCV #V #Vergil #Dante #Vitale #Nero #Kyle #Carlo #Julio #Devil May Cry 5 #Devil May Cry V #Devil May Cry #V Post Devil May Cry V #V Post Devil May Cry 5

[coatcymbal7-blog]

Ideology Break

Utilizing A Lawyer To Create Your Will

Content

If You Don'T Want To Use A Solicitor

Indication Your Will Before Witnesses.

To Identify That Will Care For Your Minor Kid

Key Papers To Have Together With Your Last Will And Also Testimony.

When Should You Obtain Legal Advice To Prepare Your Will?

Complete An Inheritance Tax Type.

What Is Probate?

What To Get Out Of Your Solicitor

These charges will still use if the estate is very straightforward, or if a lot of the probate job is done by somebody else. These solutions are usually under ₤ 100, and even free, yet you may later find you pay with the nose in hidden fees. If you do not wish to spend for a solicitor, yet would certainly such as some support, you can think about using a will-writing service. If your estate is rather complicated, a great legal representative could be able to aid you think about putting assets right into trust. The lawful costs will possibly be higher these instances, yet will depends on can significantly reduce your estate's estate tax bill.

Our group has decades of experience assisting individuals prepare, modify and perform Wills. We're regularly designated as executors and are really experienced in estate administration.

web based Funeral plans Bristol should likewise contact the person's lawyer, accounting professional or bank to see if they hold the will. Also if you can't discover a certificate of deposit, you can still talk to the Registry to see if they hold the will. If the individual passed away in a treatment home or a medical facility you could check to see if the will was entrusted to them. Although it will be lawfully legitimate also if it is not dated, it is advisable to guarantee that the will also consists of the date on which it is authorized. A witness or the married partner of a witness can not take advantage of a will.

You can likewise choose to create the will on your own and also have an expert testimonial it, which will commonly be for a lesser cost. Whether you most likely to a solicitor, will writer or bank, easy wills start from concerning ₤ 80 and rise to a number of hundred pounds. Before writing a will, it deserves considering that will inherit your most important assets and any various other long for your estate. We appreciate it is a small relocation, but it is a shift in the ideal instructions, and also I am thrilled to state that our Member solutions continue to be steadfast.

If You Don'T Want To Use A Solicitor

Certain Will Writer can aid you streamline your method as an estate organizer or solicitor. Our members are devoted to the greatest requirements in the market as well as adhere to our stringent Code of Conduct, ensuring clients constantly receive an excellent quality, specialist service. From Wills as well as Counts On, to Lasting Power of Attorney, Funeral Program, and Probate Solutions, we give a variety of completely detailed as well as bespoke services. The advice given was excellent and I really felt every little thing was plainly discussed.

Indication Your Will In Front Of Witnesses.

What makes Will invalid?

If the court finds that fraud or undue influence were involved in the creation of your will, it will be deemed invalid. Common situations could include: A family member getting the testator to sign a will by pretending it is just a general legal document that needs a signature.

The service was impressive and also I really did not really feel pushed right into anything. an extraordinary service for wills, power of lawyer as well as building matters. A full plan of solutions which will offer you complete peace of mind as soon as your Will has been created including record storage space and also free annual Will updates.

To Establish That Will Look After Your Minor Children

This is to make sure that, if your will is ever contested in the future, your witnesses can testify that they watched you authorize your will. At Farewill, we bill simply ₤ 90 for a single will or ₤ 140 for a couples will. And also with our limitless upgrade service, you can make changes to your will anytime for just ₤ 10 a year. If you currently have a will from a solicitor or an additional service provider, there's a high opportunity that they'll ask you to pay if you want to transform or upgrade it. In many cases, this could end up setting you back over ₤ 150-- and you still won't have a simple method to update it in the future.

If a witness is a recipient, the will is still legitimate but the beneficiary will not be able to inherit under the will. It is very important to select executors with substantial care given that their job entails a good deal of job and responsibility. It's additionally worth you providing some thought to what you wish to say in the will before seeing a lawyer.

Irwin Mitchell is a leading law firm with substantial expertise in the area of wills and also estates. We've assisted hundreds of clients get ready for the future with critical estate planning.

You will require to provide the complete name of the individual that passed away, the date probate was granted and also the name of the registry office where it was issued. You can purchase a duplicate of a will or grant of probate at any kind of district probate computer system registry. A basic search by the Probate Computer system registry will cover a 4 year period as well as a fee is payable. If you most likely to the Probate Computer system registry to do the search yourself, no charge is made, yet you still need to pay to obtain a duplicate of the give of probate and also the will, if any kind of.

If you are self-isolating but need people to witness as well as sign your will, it's unbelievably crucial that you don't place it off. To navigate this, you can schedule both of your witnesses to view through a closed window as you authorize your will-- it's important that they exist at the exact same time for this. To make your will lawfully binding you require to make certain it's signed together with 2 witnesses. It's truly essential that both witnesses enjoy you sign your will at the very same time, then they also require to include their own information and also trademarks.

Wills storage space business take care of files in a similar fashion to solicitors. The majority of fee on a membership basis, and also levy additional charges if your will needs to be altered. If you choose a lawyer, wills storage business or your bank, ask if there are any type of charges to access the will to make adjustments, or for the executor after you pass away. If your bank will not enable you to assign your very own executor within the will writing service, it might be best to look somewhere else. Despite reasonably straightforward estates, you could be billed a high percent of the estate, perhaps 5% to serve as single or joint administrator.

How long after death is a will read UK?

In general, it takes around 9-12 months for the deceased's affairs to be settled and the estate distributed to its beneficiaries in accordance with the Will. It is not the person with whom matters of the estate are discussed as these duties fall to the Executor of the Will.

Enhance your organization with a series of price cuts, services and products. Around 70% of UK people who passed away last year didn't leave a will. We can talk through your scenario, respond to any kind of questions you have and supply you with a free quote over the phone. If you enjoy to proceed with our service, we'll prepare a follow-up telephone call with a will writer each time that's practical for you.

Key Papers To Have Together With Your Last Will And Also Testimony.

We'll then put in the time to formulate your will prior to getting it expertly printed, bound and also sent to you in the message. With our upgrade service, you can make unrestricted updates to your will.

When Should You Get Lawful Recommendations To Draft Your Will?

In addition to writing the will, a lawyer will normally save it for you free of charge. That stated, if your scenario is complicated, looking for expert suggestions can be a good suggestion, as it's very simple to make a mistake that might make your will void or uncertain.

Since 2010 we have actually assisted over 6,000 people similar to you to secure over ₤ 1bn worth of properties. Our specialised Wills, Family Trusts, Lasting Powers of Attorney and our Funeral Plans, can help make sure your residence as well as various other residential or commercial property is acquired by your enjoyed ones properly.

A new IHT allowance of ₤ 125,000 might use if you possess a home as well as leave a few of your estate to loved ones like kids and also grandchildren. By making a Will, you can make sure that concerns like that will inherit your estate as well as who will care for your children are identified by you and also not the regulation. Unfortunately, the results of this might not be what you would certainly have meant. In the UK, it is approximated that approximately 72% of individuals lack a Will, an alarmingly high number. Without a Will, you risk leaving essential, personal issues regarding your estate to be decided by the law.

There is no demand for a will to be formulated or experienced by a lawyer. Nevertheless, you need to just take into consideration doing this if the will is going to be straightforward. Viability for a home check out is dependent on the dimension as well as complexity of the estate, as well as will be assessed on the preliminary phone call.

Making Use Of A Solicitor To Write Your Will

I'm single or solitary with no children.Even if you lived with your partner, your making it through companion stands to acquire nothing.

Anything over this amount will be shared to name a few making it through blood family members in order of distance, eg, parents, siblings, half-siblings and so on

. I'm unmarried or single with children.Even if you lived with your companion, your surviving companion does not inherit.

https://oxfordshire.wills4less.co.uk/funeral-plans/ above this amount is called the residue as well as will be shared between the enduring partner as well as the enduring children.

If there is greater than one child, the surviving companion gets a 3rd of the deposit.

Numerous hundreds of individuals pass away yearly without having a will, known as intestacy, making it extra complicated for family and also enjoyed ones left behind.

Your estate will be shared in between your enduring moms and dads and also if they are not active, it will go to your closest blood family member, eg, your sibling or sister.

I'm married or in a civil collaboration with no children.The very first ₤ 450,000 of the estate and also individual properties, consisting of cars, will go to the surviving companion.

To find out more about probate, seeDealing with the monetary affairs of a person who has actually passed away. Any type of evident alterations on the face of the will are thought to have been made at a later day and so do not form component of the initial legally valid will.

What is the best online will Maker?

Best online will makers for 2020Best for first-timers. view online . See at Rocket Lawyer. Best for advanced users (or frequent updaters) Nolo Quicken WillMaker and Trust. See at Nolo. Best service for creating a super basic will. DoYourOwnWill. See at Trial Data. Best for young families. Fabric. See at Fabric. LegalZoom. See at LegalZoom.

If you choose to compose a will with a lawyer on the high street rather, you would likely require a codicil to change your will. Nevertheless, if you want to change greater than 10% of your will, you'll likely be recommended to make a new will instead to stop the modifications from being tested in the future. The price of making a will over the phone is ₤ 120 for a single will or ₤ 190 for pairs. This enables you to talk everything through a professional to make certain your will is tailored to your particular demands.

We provide a bespoke Will writing service to businesses of all shapes and sizes as part of their advantages packages for their workers. Your will will be stored securely as well as securely, as well as you'll have access to it whenever you desire. There's additionally telephone support from our wills professionals, and also the alternative to send your administrator information of where it is being kept.

What Is Probate?

They will inspect their documents to see if a give of probate has actually been made in the twelve months before your application, and they will remain to check for six months after that. When probate is given, the will is kept by the Probate Service as well as any kind of member of the general public can get a duplicate. If there is a will, this authorisation is called a give of probate. When someone dies, the individual that is dealing with their estate has to normally obtain authorisation to do so from the Probate Service. If you can't discover a will, you will typically need to take care of the estate of the individual that has died as if they died without leaving a will.

Is the free will kit really free?

Yes! Your Free Will Kit will be delivered to you at no-cost, no purchase necessary.

What To Expect From Your Solicitor

If you do not make a will, you will die 'intestate' and also your estate may not most likely to individuals you want. There are unique rules for how your estate will be distributed these are called intestacy regulations. Our probate and tax professionals can additionally inspect that your Will is structured in the most effective method for your estate and also have the ability to encourage on any kind of amends where required.

#Making a will #Will writing services #How to make a will #Fixed Fee Will Writing #Online Will Writing #Will Aid #Will Writing Specialist #will template #how to write a simple will #will writing services near me #legal will #online will #family will #simple will #how to end a will

[silentexplorer18]

Mental Health and Isolation

Okay, guys.  This is going to deal with emotions, depression, trauma, isolation, and Covid-19.  If you feel that these issues will trigger you, I recommend skipping over this post.

With most of the world falling into lockdown officially or unofficially, I wanted to say a little something.  Several things may happen to you during this period of your life, and I want you to know that you are not alone in them, specifically in regard to your reactions to isolation.

I’m going to put a cut, just because it’s going to be a really long post, but if you have the mental health capabilities and patience to read my words, I’d like to ask that you do.

Last year, I spent about six months in isolation due to personal health problems that prevented me from leaving my home.  I left on occasion for visits to the doctor and the occasional run to the store, but otherwise, I was confined to my home - moreover, my bedroom - through my illness and recovery.  In January, I’d started leaving the house again a bit, driving, making plans.  However, with my weakened immune system, most of those plans were quickly postponed as news of Covid-19 swept the world.  As of currently writing this post, I’ve spent almost nine months mostly in isolation.  It seems the rest of the world is finally catching up to me, though, as people find themselves ordered to their homes or needing to stay home for personal health reasons.

Why am I telling you all this?  Because in the time that I spent ill last year, I learned a lot about social isolation, and a few of those things I’d like to share with you.  My hope is that it may help some of you cope with what you’re going through.

1) You may feel grief or a sense of injustice.

You’ve lost things this year and that’s disappointing.  It’s okay to admit it.  It’s easy to fall into a mental rut unsure of how to process the emotions you’re feeling.  There are things that you missed, important things, that you have every right to be upset by.  Perhaps it was a wedding, important birthday, graduation, prom, vacation, festival, or other event that you were excited for.  Perhaps it’s something as simple as spending time with a loved one or seeing your friends at school or getting to experience something that you were excited for.  Your feelings are valid.  It’s okay to be upset that you have to miss those things.  If you feel grief for the experiences you’ve lost, allow yourself to feel those emotions.  It’s okay to be upset.

It’s easy to try to force yourself into believing your feelings aren’t valid.  I mean, there are other things going on in the world right now that are painful.  There are families losing loved ones, people suffering.  However, using their pain as a reason to invalidate your pain will not help you feel better.  Do not try to shame yourself into not being upset.  It will just leave you muddled and in even worse pain because you’re piling negative emotions on top of the ones you’re already feeling.  Allow yourself to feel whatever you’re feeling, be upset over the experiences and opportunities you’ve lost.  Doing that will allow you to then focus on the things that you have left to gain and the good you are doing by helping those who can’t help themselves.

2) You may feel a sense of helplessness.

Things are out of your control.  You can’t fix this all by yourself, it just isn’t possible.  And as distressing as that is, it’s the truth.  You may feel helpless or useless “stuck at home” while people are struggling.

However, what’s important to remember is that you’re doing what you can.  Staying at home is helping people more than you realize.  You can’t directly see the impact of the help you’re giving because you don’t even know who you’re helping, but it’s important to remember that you’re doing your best, helping as many people as you can (more than you know) by doing your part to stop more vulnerable communities from contracting Covid-19.

It may also be beneficial to think of small things you can do to help people.  Perhaps you have a friend that’s homeschooling young children that you could send a link to the aquarium or an online book reading to.  Or you could send an email to a loved one who may be struggling.  While it’s important to slow the spread of the virus, allow your kindness to be contagious.  Even just one act of kindness that you make in a day can transform the day for someone else.

3) You may experience symptoms of depression or hopelessness due to isolation.

Without a routine or the normal things that keep you motivated, it’s very possible that you will fall into a cycle of depression.  Especially if things you were once excited for are now gone.  It’s easy right now to look at the world and say “what’s the point in anything.”  Being isolated can cause you to recede into yourself, block out the world.

I can’t personally tell you what will help you overcome this, but I will say that trying your best to practice self care at this time is important.  Even if you don’t feel motivated to do much, try your best to do one or two simple things that will help keep you on track (maybe brushing your hair, washing your face, drinking a glass of water, etc.).  

I understand things feel hopeless right now.  There are terrible things going on in the world and the emotions that you’re feeling are a lot to cope with.  However, there are things to hope for.  While it isn’t always easy (or necessary) to find a silver lining everything, try to do a few things every day that may make you feel a little bit more regulated.  Let the sun in your room.  Take a shower.  Even if you don’t feel good, try to practice caring for yourself as best as you can.

And understand that you aren’t a bad, selfish, or strange person for feeling depressed or hopeless.  We don’t get to choose what we feel, but we can choose how we respond to those feelings.

4) You may relive traumas or experience trauma responses from past experiences.

Isolation gives you ample time to be alone with your mind.  While this won’t cause issues for everyone, for people who have experienced painful situations or trauma, this can open up time for your mind and body to relive those experiences and remember ones you may have forgotten.  This can be scary and distressing, especially if your usual coping mechanisms to your trauma include doing activities or distracting yourself with things you can no longer do.  It’s important to understand that while these things did happen to you, they are not currently happening anymore.  The things you are remembering from your past cannot harm you right now.

Having time to think about your traumas can bring trauma responses to the surface.  You may feel guilt, shame, anxiety, responsibility, or any number of other trauma responses.  However, it’s important to recognize that those feelings aren’t your own, they’re purely in response to trauma.  It was not your fault; your brain is saying it is as a way to cope with the pain that you experienced.  You did not deserve it.  Try to focus on your own feelings about the issues you’ve faced, not the feelings created from people that did not care about your experiences or the feelings your own brain may be projecting as a coping mechanism.

What you’re feeling is valid and you are not alone.  Being alone gives your brain time to wander, time to sift through things or focus on things it wouldn’t normally fixate on.  Try to reach out to someone you trust, let someone know what you’re experiencing.  If this happens, if you start remembering or reliving past traumas, please remember you are not at fault and you do not deserve the pain that you are going through.

5) You may realize things about yourself - emotionally, mentally, or physically - that you didn’t want to know.

As stated above, you will have ample time alone with your mind during social isolation.  In addition to remembering trauma, it can also give your mind time to process trauma, dredge through you feelings, and evaluate your actions and experiences.  This can provide clarity or understanding about past experiences and behaviors, but sometimes this isn’t always desired.  You may feel thrown off guard by the information you’ve realized about yourself.

It can be very difficult to realize why you behave the way you do or what experiences you’ve faced that have traumatized you.  However, try your best to allow yourself to think with clarity, understand the emotions you’re feeling, and what you can do to process it.  These feelings may be difficult, but it doesn’t make you any less of a good person.  It doesn’t mean your feelings aren’t valid.  And it doesn’t mean that you don’t deserve kindness and compassion, both from others and from yourself.  It isn’t easy to process pain, to sift through emotions, but if you are, then know you’re doing your best, and I’m proud of you for that.  You should be proud of you for that.

---

Of course, I’m not an expert on psychology.  I’m no doctor, and I certainly can’t tell you what you personally will experience or what responses to mental health struggles are best for you.  The list above is in no way comprehensive or definitive, you may feel all of those things, some, or none, and I can’t guarantee that your feelings on the topics above will match the things I feel.  However, I’m speaking from experience when I describe the things above.  I grieved for the loss of my first year of university last fall; I felt helpless against my own health struggles; there were times I was so depressed I couldn’t function; I relived traumas and remembered experiences I was desperate to forget again; I learned so much about my mental health and what I needed to thrive.  I know what it’s like if you’re going through any of the above mentioned things.

I see what you’re going through right now.  I understand.  You are not alone.  And your feelings are valid.  Do not be ashamed if you are overwhelmed or emotional.  It’s important that you allow yourself to experience these feelings, to process what your brain is going through.  Isolation isn’t meant to be easy.  Being alone with your own mind isn’t always easy.  And it’s completely valid to be struggling right now.

But you are not alone.  If you’re struggling, reach out to a relative or a friend or another person that you may trust.  If you feel you don’t have anyone, you have me.  This blog is a safe space for you to come to if you need somewhere to be.  You’re always welcome to talk to me, message me, if you need support from someone right now.  I understand what you’re going through.  You are not alone.

~Silent

#covidー19 #coronavirus #social distancing #social isolation #mental health #tw covid 19 #tw coronavirus #tw depression #tw trauma #tw isolation #tw helplessness #tw mental health #silent talks

[ashleyspinelliburnbook]

S1E6: My Fair Gretchen/Speedy, We Hardly Knew Ye

Me, literally one recap ago: “When are we gonna get a good Gretchen episode?”

Me, today, looking at the title of the next episode and refusing to be embarrassed: “WELL, FINALLY”

My Fair Gretchen

The most pressing revelation here is that “Recess” apparently takes place in Arkansas, as the episode begins with Miss Finster handing out the Arkansas Standard Achievement Test.

Beyond that, this is a lovely ~ironic subversion~ of the “My Fair Lady” trope. Let me explain: “My Fair Lady” is all about turning Eliza Doolittle into a more acceptable member of high society, right? Turning her from Cockney to, well, refined?

Here, we’ve got Gretchen, who’s by no means a member of high society, but the goal isn’t to get her there either. See, Gretchen is smart — very smart — to the point that she gets a perfect score on the ASAT. She’s called into Principal Prickly’s office, where she learns that she has the opportunity to go to Oppenheimer Elementary for the Incredibly, Extremely Gifted. (Of course, Prickly has a vested interest in this too. If two more of his kids go there, he gets that job at Spiro Agnew Middle School!)

But...Gretchen doesn’t really want to go to Oppenheimer. Her mom is excited to hear the news, but it just makes Gretchen sad. And when she tells her friends she’s on the fence about what she’s learned, they decide to take action.

After Gretchen takes one last walk around the school, saying goodbye to the swingset, the graffiti, and the rancid fish sticks in the dumpster, she gets home to find...the gang! And they’ve got a plan to de-smart her so that when she goes in front of the Oppenheimer review board the next day, they’ll have no choice but to turn her down.

“I’ve been trying to dumb myself down ever since kindergarten,” Gretchen says, to which TJ replies, “This time, you’ve got experts on your side.”

“Yo, Prickly,” New Gretchen says as she walks into the gym for her review. After a whirlwind day of trying new looks (courtesy of the Diggers, the Ashleys, the kindergarteners), she shows up in, um, I’m not a fashion person but she’s coming off as very...not this decade? Wow, helpful.

So yeah, instead of going for “refined,” we get, well, the opposite of that. But here, it’s also the socially acceptable landing point. Instead of being a super-genius who aces standardized tests, Gretchen is now...just like any other kid.

The board, pictured above, asks Gretchen a handful of trivia questions, and she gets them all spectacularly wrong (“Who was the 14th president of the United States?” “Dennis Rodman?”). From outside, the gang celebrates her achievement...until the plan backfires.

A humiliated Principal Prickly accuses Gretchen of cheating on the exam, and Gretchen can’t help but recite all of the correct answers to their questions, in order, with perfect accuracy. Albert Einstein (you see him, come on) asks why she was hiding her intelligence, and she explains she doesn’t want to go to the new school. The board banishes Prickly to the hallway, where he and the gang await Gretchen’s fate.

When they emerge, Einstein explains that Gretchen convinced the board that there's more to education than book-learnin’ (which sort of reminds me of “Bart the Genius,” where Bart initially tries to convince the gifted school he has cheated his way into to let him go back to his old school undercover, “to see what makes ‘em tick”).

The board suggests the school instead implement a tutorial program, and the episode ends with Gretchen teaching...a room full of teachers. As it should be.

Takeaway: Every time I see an episode about a gifted kid/genius kid, I think about all the memes that go, like, “if you were ever a ‘gifted kid’ in school, you’re depressed now,” and...yeah. Imagine having all this pressure to succeed in fourth grade, you know?

Speedy, We Hardly Knew Ye

(Today in “trying something new on the blog,” I want to share something I wrote a few years ago that pretty much says what I would have written here anyway. The episode is about the class hamster, Speedy, dying, and how the kids react to it.)

In middle school, I had two opportunities to take part in Challenge Day, a day-long anti-bullying program meant to bring to the forefront all the deeply personal things that participants have in common, all while celebrating their diversity and inspiring them to dismantle the structure that causes these differences to drive them apart.

Being middle schoolers — 11-, 12-, and 13-year-olds in the thick of maintaining childhood friendships, facing new encounters, and experiencing puberty — there was a wide range of expectations for the event and the reactions throughout it. Many students saw the day solely as an opportunity to be able to skip school, while several of us read the material given to us with our permission slips and at least vaguely understood that our emotions — and our beliefs — would be tested.

The first time I did Challenge Day was in sixth grade, and at first, my primary concern was that my best friend and had been separated, relegated to participating on different days. But when the 100 or so of us entered the gym, whose windows had been blacked out to avoid any interruptions from the other 300 students on campus, the specially-trained Challenge Day leaders made every opportunity to pull us out of our comfort zones right away. Suddenly, we were sprinting within a massive circle of chairs, instructed to find a new seat, and found ourselves sitting between two people we’d never met to whom we would then have to introduce ourselves.

Eventually, we split into small groups of 6 or 7 — similarly randomly assigned, paired with a parent volunteer — and talked more candidly about our worries, how we truly felt going to school every day, and even our personal tragedies. The point here was to prove that we were able to open up to a group of strangers following all of the icebreaker activities we’d completed. And, from what my friend had told me after completing her Challenge Day the previous day, this portion of the day was where everyone started crying. While a good number of the students who were just happy to have the day off from school didn’t take this part seriously, I really wanted to – and luckily, both times, my group was just as keen.

I don’t much remember what I shared at that first Challenge Day, but in eighth grade I was dealing with both that friend’s sudden move to a school two hours away and the death of my hamster, my first real pet, and I felt I had a lot to talk about. The students in my group were very receptive to what I had to say, and one even took me aside after we moved on from the small group activities and complimented my candidness, saying I was very brave to cry for my friend and my pet.

Unfortunately, the parent volunteer in our group was less sympathetic. On the Challenge Day website, it states that volunteers receive a quick overview of the day before students arrive, and that’s it. Sadly, you can’t teach sympathy in half an hour. When I almost immediately starting sobbing about my troubles and was met with kindness by my fellow middle school-aged group members, this woman promptly interrupted me.

“Are you sure you’re not just getting caught up in the emotions, sweetheart?” she asked, her attempted pleasantness pierced by skepticism. “At your age, you’re too old to be crying about hamsters and one lost friend. There are more hamsters, and there are more friends.”

What could I do? I was a shy, insecure 13-year-old who was clearly overwhelmed by my own hardships — albeit comparatively minute to what some members of the group had shared — and all this woman could do was point out my perceived weaknesses and trivialize feelings I thought were legitimate and sincere. So I gave in. I nodded.

“Mm-hmm,” she confirmed, her face lit up in victory. “You need to learn to be stronger. That’s what today is all about. Let’s move on to someone else.”

Of course, because of the quiet, non-confrontational person I was — and still, only 13, barely beginning to emotionally mature — I let her words sink in. I entirely believed that what I had shared was completely out of line, and rebuked myself for crying at all. Since early childhood, I was the type of person who cried whenever I felt worried or insecure, and this woman, in just a few sentences, had made me so worried and so insecure that I didn’t want to cry anymore.

For me, Challenge Day in sixth grade was exciting. Because my school had only opened that year, even the seventh- and eighth-graders who transferred from the middle school across town were open to making new friends, and it was a wholly positive experience. But after Challenge Day in eighth grade, I wondered if I’d become too comfortable being openly emotional two years before. And, not to place the entirety of the blame on this one woman’s speech, since I clearly had many reasons to feel down, eighth grade was when I first recognized that I might be depressed. Even still, I don’t think I should have had to say, “Look, lady, I appreciate your fake concern, but I’m clinically depressed” to avoid any further insult.

I know so many people whose feelings were invalidated as kids simply because, as kids, many of them just hadn’t been alive long enough to experience the type of pain that adults have. (And even if they have, the emotional differences inherent in both parties for the exact same tragedy or other life change can be profound.) When adults don’t understand that comparing the plights of a single 13-year-old to their own — or anyone’s — is completely unfair, their words and actions can quickly devolve into invalidation and, sometimes, abuse.

During that second Challenge Day, the main message conveyed by the leaders was beyond my attention. I thought I’d come away with the advice to not cry unless it was about something really important, and to “be stronger” — which was completely abstract to me at the time. (It still is, honestly. Is there a checklist I have to fill out to determine if I’m “strong” enough to…what? Be a living, appropriately emotional person? I mean, evidently not.)

I don’t want adults to be rude to kids who are expressing emotions of any kind, even if it’s about something they don’t think is worth expending energy to worry about. Children and teenagers have vastly different capacities to internalize the world around them compared to adults, and that doesn’t make their reactions to hardships wrong or invalid. We should all know this, having been kids ourselves, but obviously we don’t.

When adults can’t understand a world in which a hamster’s death is, for one day, the most important thing, perhaps the sole hardship on a child’s mind, then we don’t deserve their innocent happiness at learning on their own that there are, in fact, more hamsters.

If we can’t handle children’s emotions at their worst — the worst “worst” they’ve ever experienced — to what fate are we dooming them when the things they don’t talk about, their depression and abuse and appropriately hard hardships that are allowed to challenge their strength, get bad enough for us to care?

Takeaway: Let kids feel their feelings when they’re kids so they have a healthy relationship with their emotions as adults. (Please.)

#recess

[yarrowtincture]

going to sleep soon but one last post re: are aces lgbt? can they say slurs? is alienbrains an oppressive gatekeeper?

theres validity in asexual and aromantic identity and i understand its important for people to describe their experiences but ace/aro isnt inherintly lgbt and that is totally okay and it shouldnt invalidate your experience as a person to not be lgbt unless you have other issues you arent processing?

its important that we have the opportunity to have dialogue and collaborate on the way we structure our communities and boundaries

of course i cant speak on everyones individual experience, people have complex histories and arent obligated to share every trial theyve faced based on who they are and their beliefs. so i dont have to tell you all about the violence ive faced as an lgbt person, nor the fact that i previously identified as asexual before i processed my trauma, nor educate you on the history of persecution people that deviated from cisnormative, heterosexual, nuclear narratives faced... and i cant say that i know every asexual hasnt experienced discrimination or adversity.. but being ace aro doesnt make you lgbt @_@ i just dont know how to say it any other way at this time

No matter what we have to take care of ourselves, accept ourselves, give ourselves room to grow, and be kind to each other

I try not to be negative or hurtful to ppl, n i expect the same ❤️🌻🌹

[ser-yolomere-of-swagalore]

Welcome, O life! I go to encounter for the millionth time the reality of experience and to forge in the smithy of my soul the uncreated conscience of my race myself, bitch.

James Joyce -- Ulysses (with some much needed editing)

I haven’t written here in a long time. In fact, after this post, I don’t really see myself writing here every again-- and no, before any of you (if there is, in fact, any one who will see this) jump to conclusions, this isn’t some kind of weird suicide note, or plea for help. What this is, is a sort of manifesto, or a summation, of everything that I’ve felt, and am feeling at the moment, and in a way, hopefully, purging myself of these feelings forever. It’s a goodbye, but also a new opportunity. A creation, as well as a destruction. A final litany of things that I have to say, or wanted to say, and a final exorcism of numerous antagonistic little ghosts that have been rattling around in my head for God knows how long. 

I’ve always been struck by the concept of a sort of Joycean paralysis. Maybe because it’s true-- that Irish people are, in a weird way, struck with a sort of deep, abiding, spiritual malaise, a psychological and emotional paralysis, as a sort of weird, post-colonial hangover-- or maybe because it simply hits too close to home. The narrative of a sort of genealogical, archaeological torpor is one that is all too easy to believe, because it is something that I have experienced quiet viscerally throughout my entire life, but also in a way that is difficult to articulate. The sense that you’re fundamentally at odds with the world around you because of some fundamental, spiritual displacement resulting from years (centuries?) of imperialistic and religious abuse isn’t something that goes well over dinner, after all-- especially when dinner is a hurriedly bought Burger King and the sound of mopeds careening up and down the Cardiffsbridge Road muffles the sound of Coronation Street on the television. 

But it’s a feeling that has stuck with me so long. Longer than I can really remember. This sense of being held back. By myself, by the world around me, by the people around me. Dreams of leaving, of emigrating, have been a consistent fantasy of mine. Occasional spurts of creative writing have always been characterized by the theme of a departure, whether through the realm of some childish Tolkien-esque fantasy or through a plane ticket that randomly fell into the protagonist’s (read: my) lap. That feeling of momentary, ontological vertigo, when the plane leaves the ground and you can feel yourself lifted in that miniature pocket of zero-gravity, is a sensation that I’ve craved and chased (either literally, or figuratively) whenever possible, with varying degrees of success. I even had, at one point, a bit of a miniature breakdown (you know those ones, where they creep up on you, where you have this vague sense that at any minute things are just going to collapse all around you, and nothing will ever be the same) and I started doing some pretty illegal things to get money (fill in the blanks there however you wish) in order to essentially run away, get a plane ticket to somewhere, and just start afresh. But that did crash down, either way-- I started having some viscerally severe panic attacks; I felt like I was going to be trapped here, forever, that I was going to die here, that all the dreams and aspirations I had of doing something worth while were just gonna be swallowed up the dull, plot-less relentlessness with which life here seemed to drive itself--arguably into the ground. I attended counselling, got a professional, objective perspective, and was able to get to grips with things. The anxiety stopped. The borderline insane drive to escape was lulled, and while the gnawing sense of there being a sort of hole, at the center of everything, dissipated, it didn’t quite disappear. I was, once again, able to manage, and plod right along. 

Over time, I’ve come to terms with the fact that my sense of malaise is not, in fact, the result of some kind of literarily prescribed sense of paralysis-- or, at least, not entirely. It is the result of years, perhaps arguably even decades, of mistreatment. By a family and a home that is so deeply dysfunctional that it is, legitimately, tragic. By an early upbringing so neglected and isolated that, to look back and take an earnest look, is genuinely pathetic. By a mindset and by people who see who I am and see something to laugh at. I’ve slowly come to terms with the fact that my family have never quite seen me seriously, as someone incompetent, flowery, soft, and not worth paying attention to. Years, again, potentially decades of subtle gaslighting, invalidation, negation, criticism, patronizing, condescension-- all compounded by shitty, so-called friends, who were all too happy to take advantage of my desire to please and turn it around on me-- had resulted in a person who had so much self-doubt, such a negative self-image, such a horrible sense of failure that, to further disappoint, would result in self-harm. Decades of having my life dictated to me, taking up responsibility and accepting the burden of my family’s terrible choices, of having my potential and my opportunities circumscribes by what seems to be the endlessly unfolding soap opera of my extended family’s self-inflicted pain.  And the worst part is that I simply thought all of this was normal. The concept of Joycean paralysis was able to help me understand, in a vague sense, what was really wrong, but only hindered me in truly understanding its origin.

I worry that if I go on like this I’ll only end up sounding like some kind of serially self-pitying asshole, one of those people that advertises their personal trauma and tragedy as a means to win the Sadsack Olympics, or obtain sympathy, or blame their lack of success and fulfillment on their past. But in the end, that isn’t what this is about. That isn’t the reason why I’m writing this post. In fact, the reason why I am writing this is far more joyous, written with a deep smile spreading across my face. I’ve spent my entire life orientating around myself around other people, of pleasing other people, and I’ve gotten very, very good at figuring out what is that people want, and giving it to them. What I’ve learned, an what I’ve finally gotten the balls to do, is do what I want. I’ve learned to say no. I’ve learned to pursue what I want, to accrue self-confidence, self-love, self-esteem. I’ve learned to deny people, to put myself first, and tell people who need to be told what for. I’ve learned that to be “good” is to give in, to do as I’ve told and take it all on the chin, and I’ve learned that to be “bad” is to pursue what I want, and to rebel. And, fundamentally, I’ve learned that when I am good, I am very, very good, but when I am bad I am FUCKING FIERCE. 

So I am leaving. In fact, I’ve been planning on leaving for quite some time now. Since March, roughly. I am moving to the U.K, getting away from this place, to spend time with people who I have chosen to spend my time with, that I have build up relationships purely of my own choosing and initiative, and whom I trust. To build a life that I choose to build, for myself, and shirking off as much of the trauma, pain, insecurities and self-doubt as I can. Psychiatrist Harry Stack Sullivan believed that the core motivating force in all human behavior was anxiety, and not just anxiety, but the creative and ornate ways we go about avoiding or managing it. According to him, a personality was simply a collection of habits and strategies people gathered over time to “avoid or minimize anxiety, ward off disapproval, and maintain self-esteem.” What I’ve learned, personally, is the sheer liberating power of identifying and deconstructing the aspects of my own psychology that are life-limiting, and taking great joy in completely and utterly destroying the ones that are build up anxious defense mechanisms. I would be lying if I said that it wasn’t scary, because when these mechanisms fall I’ll be thrust, head first, into facing the things I am most deeply afraid of—social rejection and abandonment, unworthiness and failure, unlovability and isolation, to name a few. But it is liberating because I’ve come to realize that, yes, our defenses serve a function, but no, we don’t actually need all of them to survive-- and then, suddenly, an entirely new life is possible. I’ve come to realize that I actually CAN tolerate anxiety; I CAN live with not being liked, I CAN be misunderstood, I CAN make mistakes, I CAN feel bad. And let me tell you, it is a relief. God is sometimes understood as a creator, but he can also be understood as a destroy-- And I am choosing to be the God of my own goddamn life, and taking great pleasure in destroying that which I don’t like.

I’ve ended up prescribing some great, symbolic significance to the act of me leaving. It is me righteously striking back at all the things that had made me hate myself in the past, because they couldn’t simply tolerate hating themselves and needed to destroy me in order to feel better. And so, to them, I say: 

Fuck my family, who have done nothing to actually foster and cultivate who I am as a human being

Fuck the people who have turned my own kindness against me and made me doubt myself

Fuck the people who have made me feel as though my command of words is a weakness-- I am a fucking fantastic writer, and I dare any of those people to challenge me, because I’ll write them into the fucking ground. 

Fuck the people who made me doubt my intelligence; I am more than smart enough to figure things out for myself and smart enough, at least now, to see them for the self-hating, jealous troglodytes they are.

Fuck this place that has made me feel that who I am is wrong, and lesser, and subordinate-- I am worthy, and powerful, and capable.

Fuck this country, and its backwards, stagnant, repressive culture

FUCK

YOU

And that’s it. There’s my gigantic, theatrical display of radical self-acceptance. In a way, what I want to do is leave, and never come back. To delete all my social media, and start afresh. But I know that’s not realistic. I know I have to tether myself to “home”, as much as I disagree with the idea this place is truly home. I will say this, however-- there are parts of my experience here, and my life thus far, that have been wonderful. I’ve got a handful of genuinely fantastic friends, and I’ve forged some very important memories with them. To burn those bridges would be unforgivable, and I would never be able to do that to them. 

It’s 2:16am. I was already exhausted but I had to write this and get it all off my chest. But this is it-- me signing off, forever. Let this be a testament to everything I want to be, an will be, from here on out. 

-Ian.

[allisondraste]

I am so happy to have received this question because I embrace any opportunity to talk about the complexities of Alistair as a character. He is a magnificent example of resilience and positive outcomes for people who have had invalidating and traumatic childhoods, something a lot of people can relate to.  I’ve not been subtle about my disdain for the way much of the Fandom ™ has swept all of these positively wonderful and interesting aspects under the rug and characterize him as immature, unintelligent, and obsessed with cheese due to a couple lines of dialogue where he uses his deflective humor to avoid the actual gravity of some of the things he talks about.  Countless times I have had people tell me that they had been completely uninterested in Alistair because of such oversimplifications.

I made a post not too long ago [link] that compared how Alistair and Cullen handle trauma differently, but I did not delve that deeply into how Alistair’s has shaped who he is as a whole - only how he coped. This will be a long post, so... bear with me!

Understanding Alistair’s childhood trauma is essential to understanding his character. 

While Alistair was certainly mistreated in the Chantry, his abuse began long before that. Alistair’s childhood story is similar to those of children who are adopted or those who have spent any amount of time in the foster care system.  One of the primary difficulties that people like Alistair face from the beginning is attachment.  Attachment to caregivers is a crucial factor in the way a child understands the world and how they grow to view their relationships and themselves.  Lack of secure attachment makes a person vulnerable to developing future emotional and behavioral problems.  In Alistair’s case, he was told his mother died and his father sent him to live with his step-mother’s (I guess, if that’s how you want to describe Rowan’s relationship to Alistair) family.  While Alistair appears to have a fondness for Eamon, Eamon and Isolde never treated him well.  He was forced to work/sleep in the kennels and he was made to feel unwelcome, invalidated, and burdensome.  As an adult, this kind of treatment is devastating - to a child, it is even worse.  When he is shipped off to the Chantry, Alistair is already well-versed in neglectful and abusive treatment, and he is already equipped with his own tool kit to handle them.  Children thrive under stable situations where predictability and consistency provide them with some semblance of control so that they may safely navigate their world.  In Alistair’s case, he had no such luxury.  He could not predict how he would be treated, who would be angry with him, or where he would be from one moment to the next.  Alistair had absolutely zero control over what happened to him.  The only thing he, and most children who fit this description, could control was himself. Therefore many of his rebellious behaviors at the Chantry were his attempts to take control of his own life in the only way he knew how.   The taking of control is not always a conscious process; sometimes people are not aware that they are doing so.  Sometimes children engage in defiant or aggressive behaviors when they have an unpleasant emotion such as fear, sadness, or anxiety. They externalize those emotions because they are not yet able to express them verbally, or they feel as if they their feelings will land on unsympathetic ears. All of this influences how he grows into an adult.

By the time we meet Alistair, he is the ripe-old-age of 20[ish], and he has indeed developed in line with his past. Alistair is incredibly defensive.  He does not seem so because his self-defense does not involve denying any critique of who he is, but rather by purposely playing into those critiques.  If he acts foolishly on purpose and is judged for it, then he is the one who remains in control of the situation.  He is also incredibly dismissive of his own experiences.  A common pattern of thinking in people who have experienced trauma is: “My trauma is not as bad as other people’s trauma.”  In Alistair’s case, he minimizes what has happened to him by making it seem humorous, or even directly joking about it (i.e. his dialogue about being raised by dogs - compared to having been forced to stay in the kennels). This type of deflection can also be viewed as an avoidance of unpleasant memories.  Further, Alistair also lacks confidence in his effectiveness as a leader, likely stemming from having never been listened to or validated.  Conversely, this is why he is so touched when the Warden remembers the things he says. Still, in light of all that he has faced Alistair is resilient The amalgamation of his childhood experiences have resulted in him having problems that simple affection and intimacy cannot solve.  Certainly it helps to have stable figures in his life that love him unconditionally, but at the end of the day his history with poor attachment suggests that he might have trouble ever truly believing that the Warden will stay with him (even after 10, 20, 30 years).  I like to think that he tests the waters frequently to make sure that she will not abandon him as everyone else has. He also does not need a lover or companion to heal him.  Alistair has learned to cope with his past in his own ways that work very well for him, even if they may annoy others.  He has remarkably remained open, optimistic, and idealistic in spite of every horrible thing that has happened to him.  Allowing oneself to remain vulnerable to a world that has done nothing but inflict pain takes an immense amount of courage.  Alistair is such a positive vision of how people can experience posttraumatic growth, and I am happy that he exists as a hero to people who have had similar life experiences.  

#dragon age #alistair theirin #dragon age origins #andrastini #cw: abuse #meta #long post #allison answers #psychology

[levinea-yuuki]

I've been thinking recently

We don't have much foundation. Both Millennials and Gen Z are stuck with so much responsibility for our futures. We're judged for our quirks, called special snowflakes by the most entitled generations, and tossed out on our own by Baby Boomers and Gen X.

Now I definitely don't feel like a Generation Z child because of two reasons:

I'm 22 years old and that just makes me feel like a millennial based on the whole structure and my lack of a sense of timelines.

I've never gotten into fortnite or the majority of these memes or dabbing.

But honestly that is not going to stop me from enjoying watching all of these people having dance-offs or making cleverly woven jokes or saying things I'll never fully grasp, (I still don't understand "worm"), or simply feeling refreshed about the open-minded beliefs of equality and acceptance, understanding, and kindness. Pour as much of that on as your hearts can show.

Getting back to the point. Though there's not much of a generation gap between Millennials and Generation Z in my point of view, seeing as we're both dragged into the same issues that arose with having to deal with the baby boomer generation in the same manner that we're having to deal with Gen X, though maybe not to the same extent, I feel like the older Generations are trying to shove a gap between us or push the blame.

This link takes you to a website that expresses just how much there is to think about with what Baby Boomers have done to our economy... Even though they blame millennials. https://www.theguardian.com/society/2018/apr/29/millennials-struggling-is-it-fault-of-baby-boomers-intergenerational-fairness

It's not just our economy that I'm worried about in the long run.

We can repair that type of damage, what I'm really worried about how the younger ones are raised. Striking on a highly personal and sensitive note, my mother born in Gen X married young to my baby boomer father and had my brother and me, my brother being in the millennial generation. After seventeen years of supporting us, forced into not seeing us very much at all with working two jobs and still expected to cook and clean while he made no effort to get his own job, criticized her for everything she did as well as prevented her from having literally any friends in or out of work, she got out. Good for her, right? She left the abuse, lived a little, remarried, and had my siblings.

Now here's where it gets sticky.

This left us with our father (me as a sheltered albeit pampered 11 year old and my brother the inexperienced 16 year old who was also pampered) because he fought her in court and somehow won full custody of us. It came to the point where my brother was suddenly the sole money maker for the household (while also in school) in the time frame of a week after she left because dad still refused to get a job but insisted on smoking and drinking a six-pack a day anyway. At the same time his pride got in the way of accepting my mom's help because she had optional child support and when he did accept it he immediately went and spent it on his booze, so she ultimately stopped the fruitless. He cut ties between my mother and us and pretended everything was fine and dandy now that she was gone. When he died of an impending and incurable death triangle (kidney failure, liver failure, and sever diabetes) almost five years later we were left with his debts and he didn't teach us a single thing to get us started. Almost three years later, I left to live with my mother because she found us and got back in touch. My brother rejected her offer and went out on his own, swimming in the unbacked pride dad had set, and since then has been entirely incapable of holding a job for more than a few months before he's fired for one thing or another. He still refuses to speak with her.

Now on my end, everything started fine. I was expected to do some of the chores, finish highschool, and I finally had the chance to learn who my mother was the first time in my life... but once I had settled in I came to understand that she was in a constant defensive state anytime she was questioned and was afraid of moving forward. She suddenly had a late teenage daughter that didn't know a single thing about living. To this day four years later she has had a very easy-to-boil temper. It started as a self defense mechanism, she had to become this way to keep herself alive with my dad as a husband, but she became more than the overseer of the new family, she became an overbearing abrasive woman to make sure things were going her way so that there was no way she could slip back into what she had been living in.

She is now the type of person who considers pain to be a competition, a concept of reality she got from her father, my father, and her generation as a whole. Her existence is work, bills, her new spouse, and figuring out how to set me on my siblings on the best path. She has experienced more pain than I can picture, lived a longer life with many challenges, gave every ounce of effort to get back to her senses and I respect that wholeheartedly, but what I can't seem to respect or handle is her needed to feel like she's right all the time even when she's dead wrong, how deaf she is to the hurtful things she says, and how she goes about getting things done.

It's not just life she tackles harshly now, but pain is measured on her own set of scales. It is her competition in order to feel sturdier about her situations and I see this a lot in her age group, frequently and everywhere, but in the process of all of this she invalidates anybody else's difficulties if they are less than her own. In her eyes, "if I can tolerate it then you should be able to" or "if it's not bothering me then it shouldn't bother you" is the only reality. There are no extra spoons or forks, no in between, no consideration for how somebody else perceives a situation or how much somebody else can handle before they burst, and particularly with people in my age group she holds absolutely no patience. It's almost like she considers us a to be hypochondriacs because we haven't learned how to "suck it up" or "save face" when the physical aches or mental loads are too much, or the shambles they've left our economy in and voting Trump in because they think he will just fix it right up like changing a tire. It's entirely irresponsible, immature, inhumane, and unreasonable. She and most people her age, and people like my father, are incredibly blind to it. I can no longer respect them or trust them.

Now here's the kicker.

She as well as many other mothers claim that people in my age group have tunnel vision, that each day is brand new for us, that we don't know hardship or real stress, when in reality we are all facing the teeth gritting consequences for their choices. We are trying so hard to have optimism and open hearts, the patience they lack, and the wisdom to break free from their mislay of twisting roads and bare minimum guidelines.

As an example of her mindset and the challenge it presents, she believes I am entirely incapable of taking care of stressful situations when she hasn't taught me how, just like my father but and almost an exact opposite sense. My father pampered me and sheltered me, my mother drowns me only in harsh reality and expectations. It's not just her, the society these Generations have built are also malfunctioning and sending catless mixed messages. There are scores of American schools that don't teach a lick of daily knowledge like how to clean without making freaking mustard gas or how to go about sewing on a button. Cooking, paying bills, skills like changing a tire or what to do when the electricity goes out and it's not the breaker. Finances and taxes. They believe that schools only need to teach things like the states and capitals, sports, math, language (but only English and Spanish, I wanted to learn Japanese and sign language guys...), wars, a collection of science subjects, and maybe music. They've cut the budget for anything else. Screw the general public. Even my mom acts like her goal is to become middle class so that my siblings have more opportunities to learn what they need, but she's so fixated on raising her rank in society's standards thinking that it will solve everything she can't comprehend the real issues.

She believes I don't get certain responsibilities done the instant she tells me to because I'm lazy or inconsiderate, but mostly it's because my mind doesn't allow me to multitask like hers does, or I'm not sure how to go about it because I have to teach myself, and therefore it's just one more thing she has to add to the list of what I am not putting any effort into. She doesn't understand, or maybe she doesn't WANT to understand, that I have anxiety when I'm put on the spot because if I don't have a moment to think about what to do she chooses to scream at me instead of simply suggesting a solution or helping me think, and then decides to take over the responsibility with an added bonus of guilt-tripping and gaslighting. After years of this I've grown apathetic to her to the point where she has started calling me heartless and disrespectful. It is incredibly difficult to respect somebody who treats you like a tool that needs fixing but also doesn't make the effort to find out what's wrong in the first place.

I've read so many cases of this, just terrible awful parenting, it's to the extent where it's old news and that's unfortunate because it still hasn't changed. Make situations like these current news, spread them with a warning for our future, this problem has been around for so long it is almost entirely ignored by the older Generations in exchange for the opportunity to push blame. I myself have gotten so tired of asking "what is wrong with them? Why don't they see what they're doing? Don't they understand how harmful this is?" I see my mom giving sexist excuses about the behavior of men into the mind of my younger brother, I see her pushing my sister to tolerate him instead of stopping him from acting this way, and I think, "why can't they take responsibility for the damage they've done, re-evaluate themselves, or feel any regret for the stigma they choose to keep planting in young minds?" At every turn I'm invalidated, and though I'm expected to watch my siblings, I'm not allowed to stop them if they choose to play recklessly, rebel, or cock an attitude if I tell them they need to do something like brush their teeth or put a toy away. Unless there's an obvious chance of injury, I'm prevented from intervention. What kind of children are these siblings of mine going to grow into with this mindset? What are the claims that her generation are going to throw on them when there's no one else to blame? Why am I expected to relent to her demands and stretch and mold myself into her concept of what an adult should be if I can't suggest a compromise or take a stand? How am I or anyone else supposed to know what to do in shaky situations is if were not given the chance to learn, shown an example of how, or charted a better path instead of setting expectations and just demanded to reach them? I can't stand this. Each of these generations all hold individual, unique, brilliant people but the younger ones are treated like entirely different entities based on societies obsolete standards and malformed beliefs. This needs to change.

[almond-assistant]

A very long rant and my opinions on neofeminism

Keep in mind that these are very opinionated, and I really don’t wanna fight with you. I’m only posting this so people know where I stand with this stuff, and so they know what kind of person I am.

Inequality: (the fake scenario here is metaphorical and also taken from a youtube video) Imagine there was a short person and a tall person, and there's a wall. In order to see over it, both people are given a stool of equal height to stand on. The tall person is still taller, and can see farther. Instead of giving the taller person a shorter stool, or a short person a taller stool, how about we give nobody a stool. Instead, give them equal materials to build their stool. Equal opportunity does not mean an equal outcome.

Wage Gap: That thing? It's non-existent; women are actually 'out-earning' men, according to literally every governmental source. And if the wage gap existed, it'd be illegal, considering women recieved equal rights in America in 1972.

Transphobia: Trans people are propped up and given all sorts of support in society! I remember at one point I considered myself transgender (I'm still queer-identifying fyi), and I was treated just as well, if not better, than most kids at my high school. And you know how you guys are so "supportive" of trans-men? Well, guess what. By not grouping him in with the cis men, you are therefore being transphobic by invalidating his identity, implying he is not like the cis man, as he would like to be seen as. Do you call a trans guy a rapist, like a cis man? No. Do you consider him sexist, like the cis man? Of course not! Even if he is, you wouldn't DARE accuse him of that! Right? Because he's an owo smol trans flower boy. By rubbing it in everybody's faces that you/someone you know is trans, you are therefore negating the fact that they'd like to be treated like a cisgendered person in the first place. Same goes for trans-women. FYI, I completely support real trans people!

Transtrenders: Super transphobic! If you want to be babied and called uwu smol then go join the adult baby community. You want to be queer? Just don't label yourself trans! Want attention? Go join a fucking talent show or something idk. Don't have dysphoria? What's the point in calling yourself the opposite gender? I don't get that. Wanna be a futa catgirl? I... I don't even know. Please stop that. Sexualizing trans/intersex people is transphobic. Trying to fit in? I get that. I did that. But please, please. don't rub it in everyone's faces. I actually DO have a bit of social dysphoria, but I used to make it a bigger deal than it should've been.

Patriarchy: I agree that patriarchy doesn't work. But, patriarchy is also basically gone, so I don't agree that it's this really big deal you guys make it out to be. On the other hand, matriarchy doesn't work well either. It takes both genders for lots of things to run smoothly. There are highly positioned women and men. That's what makes systems work, including reproduction and all that jazz. So basically, men are in fact needed. Stop treating them like shit. If you got rid of men, we'd go extinct. I know there's this thing with women's bone marrow or whatever, but that's not really relevant, and it isn't even guaranteed to work. By separating women from men, you are therefore being sexist, because equality doesn't have anything to do with gender. It's like if x=y, then y=x, y=y, and x=x. If x and y was female and male, or literally any gender, this would be the goal of feminism by definition. Without the belief that women are currently in a lesser position in society, neo-feminism falls flat. Speaking of which, you always focus on women, why aren't you including all of the other "genders"? Isn't that a bit sexist of you? Society is giving women everything they don't deserve. That's not equality. And yet you still think women are opressed.

Rape Culture: And before you rush to the comments with "You don't know what it's like to be sexually harassed!", I do, and that's why this topic ticks me off so much. Anyway, by labeling all men as rapists, you are therefore being sexist. And, even though you guys say men/boys can't be raped, they have been, and can be. Males are actually sexually exploited more than women. Furthermore, women can be rapists. Consent doesn't apply to just the woman. If a woman wants to have sex with a guy and he says no, yet she forces him to, it's still rape. Legal sexual interactions require both parties involved to give consent. I read a post on here that said something to the effect of, "If you don't have sex with a fat woman, you're raping her". That... boggles my mind.

Ableism: I have mental illnesses too, so this also pisses me off. I mean, I get that some people are wheelchair-bound or don't have the same mental abilities as a neurotypical person. I think it's great that we're helping to accomodate these people! But when you call everything that could even possibly leave out someone other than the neurotypicals ableist, it's frustrating. Literally anything could be ableist or classist. Eating pizza? No, this is ableist because some people have diabetes and can't eat certain things. Running gear? Ableist. Some people have to use wheelchairs, either because they were born paralyzed in the legs, or because they're too obese to move. Brain exercises? No, get that out of here. That's offensive to people with autism or the like, because their brains don't work like that, and it implies they're not good enough. therapy? Kill it with fire. You're saying we neurodivergents are not ok? It's like you don't care about people that want to get better. There's such thing as a target audience, so now let's see.. Pizza? Oh! That's for people who want a quick, cheap, and easy meal! Running gear? That's meant to interst people who enjoy being fit and maintaining their cardiovascular health. Wheelchair-bound folks have specialized exercises for keeping their muscles healthy. Running would not be as effective of a way for them to do that. Brain exercises? For people who want to keep their brain sharp and improve certain areas where they might have weaknesses. Again, people such as my brother (who has medium-high functioning autism) can have special exercises provided to them. But when companies manufacture products that leave out the neurotypical person, nobody thinks twice. So much for equality.

Fatphobia: I do agree that this one exists, although I've never experienced it myself, since I myself have problems gaining weight and keeping it on. I'm actually guilty of fatphobia, but hear me out. I don't mind if you're overweight, as long as others don't have to make special accomodations at no cost to the one being accomodated. If you're 500+ pounds and/or you need a wheelchair and two seats on a plane, I'm calling you out. There's no way you could be that fat without doing it to yourself or having a disability. I don't mind these things if you do have a disability, I understand you couldn't control it then. But if you're just sitting in your bed all day stuffing your face with cheese curls, you have no right to whine about fatphobia, as you could've easily prevented it. Mental disorders such as depression or anxiety that may lower your motivation so low that you don't care, I also get, since I've been in that situation plenty of times. Regardless though, I will not say you are beautiful. This is my personal opinion, and I know others may find obesity attractive, or even erotic (which is in itself fatphobic), but I do not. There are people who don't actually find it pretty, but still say it is. Please stop that. Speak your mind, yo. It's kinda sad that others shape your views, and if you don't agree entirely with the flock, you're not one of them, yknow? That's like... a cult or something.

Classism: I'm soft on this one, since I've been in and out of financial stability throughout my childhood and it sorta fucked me up. But again, calling everything classist is just not right. Songs about fancy cars and diamonds are praising the lush life, not making lower classes feel bad. If anything, those songs help them work harder to achieve their own dreams and have their own great life. But again, it's all about the target audience.

Racism: Racism was originally based off of fear and confusion. Other races had never seen a different skin color than their people's, and thought they were a different breed or species. The reason europeans and americans viewed africans as animals, is because they didn't know what else they could be. African society wasn't as developed, and the African people exhibited very primitive behaviors, as opposed to the educated caucasian. After a while, the african people taken to other lands as slaves, started to dislike that life and form their own opinions and values. The white people learned that the Africans were just humans of a different color, and eventually softened up a bit. But they couldn't abandon their ways of life, so the slaves slaved on, and the rich got richer. These values passed through generations, and eventually someone said, "Stop, these are people too, let's set em' free.". Though, yes, some families still teach their children to be racist, they don't imprison them anymore. Schools do a very good job of describing the treacheries of racism and slavery so it doesn't happen again. Most of my friends (and my boyfriend who I love so so much) are of color, in one way or another. Shit, I'm like, an eighth native american. I do consider myself white though, I'm Norwegian and Irish, for the most part. But I'll still honor my roots. Anyway, even modern racism is still based on fear. Islamophobia stems from terrorism, Black violence comes from stories of gangs and police shootings, and lots of other xenophobia stems from stereotypes. I'm completely against racism, trust me. But when you separate white from black and call white people scum, and call people of color 'strong, independent', and discard white people, it's kinda confusing. Racism applies to race, and caucasian is a race. Get it together.

Cisphobia: That exists. Cisgenderism/Heterosexuality are still identities, whether you want them to be or not.

Sexualities: Cool, You like people (Or you don't, if you're ace/aro). I know these sexualities were shunned before but most people are really accepting now! Just not the weird demonsexual things. Some people don't understand that too much. I sure don't.

Genders: Same as sexualities, don't get too crazy and people are cool w/ it.

Mogai and Neopronouns: Shit, get them out of here. You're making actual LGBT+ people look like a joke.

Anything I didn't mention that you'd like to hear my opinion on? Leave an ask! All interaction is welcome, though not all is wanted. Regardless, I'll try to be kind to you. I really have no reason to be rude to you if I don't know too much about you.

-Kevyn (almondassistant)

#I'm not gonna fight with you #please don't kill me #opinions #uwu????? #neofeminism #feminism #queer

[angryenemypuppy]

What Do You Believe?dialectical Behavioral Training

What Do You Believe Dialectical Behavioral Training Program

What Do You Believe Dialectical Behavioral Training Programs

Is being too “on top of things” causing you distress?

Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (DBT) is a well-established treatment for people who suffer from emotion dysregulations and impulsive behaviors. This includes people with self-harming and suicidal behaviors, substance abuse, and chronic interpersonal difficulties. And while DBT has shown efficacy for many people struggling, there is a specific group that seems to just not benefit from this form of treatment: people who suffer from maladaptive overcontrol. This type of coping style often leads to difficult to treat disorders such as chronic depression, anorexia nervosa, and obsessive-compulsive personality disorder. Luckily there is a newly developed, evidence-based treatment called Radically Open DBT (RO-DBT) to address symptoms of maladaptive overcontrol.

Maladaptive Overcontrol: what is that? Maladaptive overcontrol is a type of coping with emotional pain that leads to social isolation, aloof and distant relationships, risk aversion, strong needs for structure, inhibited emotional expression, hyper-perfectionism, and detail orientation over general situations. This is picture of low openness, low flexibility, and social signaling deficits is thought to be the result of combined biological and environmental factors. Unfortunately, this coping style leads to limited opportunities for learning new skills or forming close social bonds. Because of this, people with maladaptive overcontrol tend to suffer from emotional loneliness and “feel anxious on the inside yet not display any overt signs of anxiety on the outside” (Lynch, p. 144).

How do I know if I have this? The way that maladaptive overcontrol would show up is often through behaviors that at first glance appear very effective. These include high detail orientation, perfectionism or high achievement, resistance of temptation, rigid adherence to rules, and high tolerance of pain or distress. However, while these behaviors are often reinforced in a person’s environment, they result from a heightened sense of threat in social settings. This leads to a low tolerance for: making mistakes, spontaneity, displays of overt emotion, and difficulties accepting feedback from others. These folks also tend to lack the range of facial expressions that allow for non-verbal connections as they read social interactions as a threat and their faces tend to “freeze” in response to threats.

Would you ever lie for me? The response you’re looking for with this question is: “I would never lie for you.' An employee who won’t lie for you won’t lie to you, DeMars says. Tell me about a time that you were challenged ethically. Don’t trust a candidate who says he’s never faced an ethical challenge.

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Instead, you’d do better to cultivate an environment of balance, a self-awareness of one’s limits and health in order to work most effectively. To create a balanced work environment, encourage employees not to take work home with them! You can try restricting work-related emails and calls to certain hours as much as possible.

Are you willing to adopt a dialectical world view? Practicing DBT involves a skillful balance of strategies which emphasize both change and acceptance. DBT challenges the therapist to believe that clients are doing the best they can and want to improve; at the same time, clients need to do better, and/or be more motivated to change.

SO, if you are the type of person who goes above and beyond to avoid all mistakes, is constantly sensitive to perceived criticisms, bases your self-worth on performance/achievements as compared to others, and avoids novel social situations, you might have an overcontrolled coping style. Ask yourself if you struggle with making connections or trying to suppress your authentic emotions. Do you feel that people often misread your face or think of you as untrustworthy? These, too, are signs you may lack some skills in social signaling.

What can be done? The only evidence-based treatment designed to specifically target maladaptive overcontrol is RO-DBT. RO-DBT is an outpatient treatment consisting of weekly individual sessions, weekly skills-training groups/classes, and phone coaching as needed, lasting approximately 30 weeks. While traditional DBT emphasizes behaviors that are typically overlearned or compulsively engaged in by people with maladaptive overcontrol (i.e. avoiding conflict, restrain from acting on impulses, delaying gratification, distress tolerance, increase organization), RO-DBT necessarily teaches different behaviors. RO-DBT encourages the practice of disinhibition, participation without planning, being more open to feedback, and emotional expressions.

What you can do now? It is understandable if it is hard to seek treatment of this magnitude. It also may be hard to find RO-DBT trained therapists as this is a newly developed treatment (based on years of research). Fortunately, you can begin taking small active steps towards engaging in Radical Openness. Here are some ideas: 1. Try to let go of preconceived ideas of what should be. For example: if you are constantly upset that something was not done correctly, can you look for a possibility that another way to do the task is also correct? Celebrate the diversity of what the world has to offer that you miss out on when you think you already have the answers. 2. You can become more open to the feedback of others, even if it means letting go of your quest for perfection. When your partner tells you that they get upset every time you re-fold the laundry they just folded, can you just listen and learn from their experience despite an urge to dismiss it, deny, justify, or defend your actions? Ask yourself: is my need for the towels to be folded perfectly getting in the way of what is most effective for this relationship? Is there something here to learn? 3. Practice playing! Be silly, move your face and body in ways that are silly. Put on music and dance around, laugh out loud, flap your arms and “bock” like a chicken in your living room. Just let loose and engage in a silly moment without planning it out. If you believe you or a family member is suffering from maladaptive overcontrol in response to painful emotions, you can always seek out professional help of a therapist familiar with RO-DBT. It takes time and effort, but these are behaviors that can be learned and practiced, helping improve social connections, live more flexibly, and foster an openness to all that life has to offer.

What Do You Believe Dialectical Behavioral Training Program

References Lynch, T.R., Hempel, R.J., & Dunkley, C. (2015). Radically open-dialectical behavior therapy for disorders of over-control: Signaling matters. American Journal of Psychotherapy, 69 (2).

What Do You Believe Dialectical Behavioral Training Programs

Dialectical behavior therapy (DBT) training is education for mental health professionals interested in offering DBT to their clients. App for mac productivity. It provides information for experienced care providers on how to use this therapeutic approach, and is typically aimed at care providers who are already qualified and practicing. Numerous trainings and seminars for dialectical behavior therapy training can be found around the world in settings like educational institutions, research centers, and psychotherapy programs.

In dialectical behavior therapy training, care providers learn how to use DBT to work with clients who have borderline personality disorder (BPD), although it can also be applied to the treatment of other personality disorders. This approach to therapy has its roots in cognitive behavior therapy, an approach that works on modifying harmful behaviors to help patients manage their mental illnesses. Patients with BPD often have a history of invalidation and rejection, and DBT provides validation and acceptance as part of the practice to keep patients in therapy, rather than making them feel invalidated by the therapy, which can force them to drop out.

There are two different components to DBT, and both are covered in dialectical behavior therapy training. The first is psychotherapy, in the form of individual sessions with patients and their care providers, both in person and over the phone. Patients typically keep diaries and charts, set goals, and work with their therapists to identify and modify behaviors. The first priority is a reduction in self-harming behaviors, followed by those which are considered therapy interfering, and then work on improving the patient's quality of life.

This is paired with regular group sessions for skills training in different areas of life. Dialectical behavior therapy training emphasizes the team nature of the treatment by working with therapists in groups as they start to develop strategies for working with patients in groups and one-on-one. Patients and therapists work cooperatively in an allied relationship in DBT. This can differ from some other kinds of therapeutic relationships where the therapist may be an absolute authority, rather than a cooperative partner.

Therapists in dialectical behavior therapy training learn about the issues specific to caring with patients who have BPD, and discuss ways to avoid and minimize problems that may arise during therapy. Therapists assume the best about their patients and stress that all patients are working on self improvement. Their patients cannot fail at the therapy as a whole although they may have off days or weeks. The therapists also stress affirmation and support through techniques like meditation and mindful thinking, to help their patients deal with the sometimes overwhelming emotions associated with BPD.

[clarencenicholsonata]

9 Reasons Your Sales Emails Bounce And What You Can Do About It

Remember those emails that couldn’t be delivered to your recipients and were returned to you? They are called bounced emails, and they are every marketer’s nightmare.

You’ve undoubtedly experienced the frustration of bounced emails. Every time your inbox jingles with the notification of a bounce, your heart misses a beat.

A lot of hard work goes into creating a mail: drafting, coding, and designing, testing the subject line, so it’s disappointing to see all that come to nothing when the message just bounces back undelivered.

A bounce is a missed opportunity. It represents one less lead you could have nurtured, prospect you could have converted, a customer you could have served, etc.

Whether you’re sending drip campaigns to new subscribers or win-back emails to customers who seem to have dropped off, your first goal is deliverability.

No worries, in this guide, we’ll walk you through actionable tips to help you minimize your bounce rate and get better deliverability. But before we do that, it’s crucial to understand the types of bounces quickly. That will help you understand why you should address each differently.

Table of Contents:

Email address invalid

Natural decay of database

Sender IP blocked

Aggressive spam filters

You’re blocked

Oversized attachment

Recipient’s server full

Recipient’s inbox full

Acceptance of incoming email restricted

Types of email bounce

There are two types of bounce: Soft bounce and hard bounce.

Soft bounce

When your message returns undelivered because of some temporary reason, the bounce is called a soft bounce.

For instance, a mail that bounces back because the recipient email server is down is an example of a soft bounce. If you try to resend after a while, it will likely go through.

Hard bounce

When your email is undelivered because of a permanent reason, it is called a hard bounce.

An email that bounces because the address is invalid is an example of a hard bounce. (How you wish you had the address right in the first place!)

There’s nothing you can do about it because the address is plain wrong.

Why emails bounce and what you can do about it

Below are nine different reasons for email bounces and how to deal with it in each of them.

Come, let’s get started.

1. Email address invalid

One of the most common reasons your message didn’t go through is the address quality: the recipient’s address is invalid.

Why that happens: Hmmm, it looks like the subscriber made a typo while submitting the address in your sign-up form. Like, they typed jogn@somebusiness instead of john@somebusiness.

But then again, it may have been a deliberate act and not a typo. Sometimes, people don’t want to give you their correct mail address (maybe they don’t trust you!). So they key in an incorrect mail address to just get past your form.

The result? A wrong address enters your mailing list.

What you can do about it: Use a real-time email verification service. Such a service lets you verify the address in real-time.

If it turns out correct, the service will clear the user for the next stage. In case the address turns out to be invalid, you can set your system to flash an error message that requests the user to enter a valid address.

Check the image below:

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2. Natural decay of database

Just like a lot of things, your email database can decay too. The address was working fine six months back, but today, when you hit Send, the mail bounces.

(The above error message is symbolic. The system can only report a bounce; it cannot tell if an email address was valid in the past.)

Why this happens: Estimates suggest that your email database decays by about 22% every year. Put differently, 1 out of every 5 addresses on your mailing list could turn invalid every year. That could be for many reasons, but the most common is when people leave an organization.

In rare cases, your recipient’s role changed drastically, and so did their address. And unfortunately, their mail server didn’t make arrangements to redirect messages to the new address.

Say, your prospect Keith was VP Marketing for Canada till last year. This year, he got a promotion and moved - he’s now Senior VP Marketing for Southeast Asia. So his address changed from keith.prospect @ businessname . canada. com to keith.prospect @businessname. sea. com, but you’re still using the old address.

What you can do about it: Keep your list in top working condition, just like you’d take good care of your car. Regularly clean your mailing lists by using a professional list cleaning service. You might want to check out this detailed comparison of email verification services to determine which service best meets your requirements.

Here’s an illustrative image of the result of the verification process of such services.

Once you scrub your mailing list, you can remove the undeliverable, invalid, and poor-quality addresses. That way, the next time you send your campaign, you can be confident that you’ll hardly see any bounces. Yaay!

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3. Sender IP blocked

Ah, now we’re talking about a different kind of problem. The email ecosystem sometimes thinks you are a spammer and stops you from sending further messages.

Why this happens: Using a shared IP? Ouch! It looks like someone used it to send spammy content earlier. Or perhaps someone messed with the sending policy. Whatever the reason, the email ecosystem now thinks you are a spammer.

So now, your sender IP is blocked. That means your IP can no longer send mails to your subscribers.

What you can do about it: If you’re working with a good email marketing partner or an ESP (Email Service Provider), you’ll likely not face this issue (Hint: Choose great marketing partners!).

Begin by checking the log of previous activities on the IP and see if you can find anything suspicious. Appeal to have your IP taken off the blocked IP list. You could also reach out to the website to unblock your sender IP.

On the other hand, check if your systems are infected with a virus working undercover to send out spam. Alternatively, there’s also a chance someone hacked your IP when you had logged in from a public platform.

You could also try working with a new IP. In future, make sure you follow email marketing best practices.

It could take a while to dig yourself out of the mess someone else created.

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4. Aggressive spam filters

Bounces happen for this reason more often than you’d believe. Your recipient may have stringent settings for incoming mail, and you failed their test at some point.

Why this happens: It’s not you; it’s them. The recipient has changed the settings of their mail server and set up strict guidelines. Any incoming email with the slightest deviation will be red-flagged.

For any number of reasons, your mail didn’t comply with the standards. Maybe it had one link too many, or it was too image-heavy, or you used terms like ‘Make money today’ too often in your content. The list goes on.

What matters is the recipient thinks you’re a spammer.

What you can do about it: Sometimes, this might behave like a soft bounce, in the sense that your next mail might get through because it doesn’t have the elements that could be labeled as suspect.

However, you’ll never know which of your subsequent mails might be rejected. You should go back to the drawing board, juxtapose the mail that went through and the one that didn’t, and learn what’s going wrong.

Time to put on your email-sleuth hats!

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5. You’re blocked

The recipient thinks you are a problem, not your IP. That’s also a difficult challenge to overcome because there won’t be a direct way of appealing to them.

Why this happens: Perhaps the recipient felt that your communication is annoying them. Perhaps they hit the Unsubscribe link, and it didn’t work. It could be anything.

One of the surprising reasons emails bounce is people don’t remember signing up, so they block you. Strange, yeah?

*What you can do about it: *While there’s no defined way of directly influencing subscribers to unblock you, you can at least prevent this problem with your future subscribers.

First, re-check your opt-in form and ensure that you’ve set the right expectations. Next, fine-tune your content and ask yourself if you’re wavering too far from your original promise. For example, if you started by offering tips on wine selection but have now moved to myriad Christmas gifts, some of your subscribers will not enjoy that.

Finally, be sure to follow a fixed schedule: if you send one email per week, fix a day, so your subscribers know that if it’s a Wednesday, you’ll be mailing them.

Discipline pays, see?

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6. Oversized attachment

Are you sending attachments that run into several MBs? Don’t!

Almost always, attachments are best suited for middle-of-the-funnel prospects only, not everyone on your mailing list.

Why this happens: When you’re sending out event- or season-specific campaigns like, say, holiday marketing campaigns, you want to share more info. So you send a 25MB attachment with your mail - and then see a huge number of email bouncebacks.

It’s simple. Many email servers have a cap on the size of attachments incoming emails can carry. They do it to protect the inbox from email abuse or make sure you don’t overrun their inbox size.

Besides, they’re like, “Hmmm, this attachment could be a virus carrier! Let me reject it!”

What you can do about it: As noted earlier, you’d be better off avoiding attachments in the first place.

If you need to share a video, a document, a presentation, a proposal, and so on, you can share a link. That would ensure your mail doesn't become heavy, and yet you’ll get things done.

The next best thing to do will be to send compressed files.

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7. Recipient’s server full

Ever been to a restaurant that’s packed and can’t seat you? They’ll probably say, “All full, sorry! Why don’t you check thirty minutes later?”

A full recipient server is pretty much the same.

Why this happens: Emails bounce when the recipient’s server is full and can no longer accept any more messages. Perhaps the recipient’s server is experiencing unusually high traffic (maybe they’ve come up with an irresistible offer!).

What you can do about it: Because it’s a soft bounce and an issue at the recipient’s end, the easiest thing to do is to try again after some time. If you’re working with an ESP, probably they’ve figured it out, and they’ll resend your mail after a set time (an hour, typically) anyway.

A small thing: when you’re viewing your analytics, don’t forget to factor in such soft bounces. Sometimes, when these mails are re-sent, and the recipient takes a specific action, like, say, downloading your e-book or registering for your webinar, it certainly alters the way you’d perceive how effective your email campaign has been.

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8. Recipient’s inbox full

Your emails could bounce back because the recipient’s inbox is full; not your fault.

Why this happens: Your message is bounced back to you because the recipient’s inbox has exceeded its capacity.

What you can do about it: It looks like you’re writing to someone who’s hugely popular, considering their inbox is full!

It’s a common soft bounce, and just like other types of soft bounce, the best thing to do is to resend.

There’s, of course, a couple of other things you can do. Whether you can do so depends entirely upon your relationship with the recipient. If the recipient is an existing contact with whom you have a good working relationship, you can reach out to them with a text message or something and let them know you’ve sent something urgent.

However, unless it’s time-sensitive, you might want to wait and resend.

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9. Acceptance of incoming email restricted

What if the recipient’s address doesn’t accept messages from anyone except within their organization? How can you handle that?

Why this happens: It’s pretty simple: The organization's server is configured not to accept emails from outside their network.

Organizations do this for several reasons. One of them is that they haven’t resolved external emails’ security challenges - there was probably a significant security breach recently.

Another reason could be that the recipient you’re writing to might be involved in a confidential project, and they think it’s best to avoid third-party mails.

What you can do about it: We hate breaking this to you, but there’s practically nothing you can do about it!

However, you must raise an important question. If the recipient inbox has restricted entry from third parties, how come the address appeared on your mailing list in the first place?

Check two angles. Firstly, look at your listing building strategy. If you’re buying lists (which, in itself, is not a very good idea), this is a warning signal for you.

Secondly, such bounces suggest that you need a double opt-in. That way, even if a genuine subscriber signs up with a restricted inbox, your system automatically sends them a mail to confirm their subscription. Unless they confirm, the address won’t go into your regular mailing list in any case.

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Related Content:

4 Email Marketing Trends You Need to Know for 2020

5 Simple Steps to a Perfect Email

10 Examples of Winning Email Design And How To Make Your Own

6 Best Triggered Email Marketing Campaigns Revealed

What is Email Automation & How Can Your Business Use it?

Summing up

For a marketer, bouncebacks represent a potentially lowered email marketing ROI. It means a lot of efforts that went into building the list only led to waste. And of course, so many missed opportunities too!

There’s, of course, a more significant question to address.

If your email bounce rate crosses a certain level, you’re at risk of being labeled a spammer. Your sender reputation will also be at stake. All this will quickly lower your deliverability, which is why you want to look into why your mails bounce and what you can do to prevent it.

We have already listed out the principal causes of why emails bounce and what steps you can take to correct that or prevent such cases in the future.

What do you think? What did we miss?

Written by our guest writer Hiren Patel, a data scraping professional with ProWebScraper

Beyond that, he is interested in learning and sharing tips on how email marketing and digital marketing can help businesses grow.

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#IFTTT #RSSMix.com Mix ID 8230801

[jocelynbass1991]

How To Save Marriage When Wife Wants Out Prodigious Cool Tips

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But if you know that there is any problem in your relationship.He calmed down and the wonderful, fun moments you had the opportunity to speak to each other better and give you series of illnesses and the thing which really make your wife decided on spinach instead of with their relationships.There are several facts you should try your best friend?One simple way you will become weak again and trust between them and don't take one another and know that there are a few short years you would need to take big decisions.Intimacy can be solved easily while others take insurance.

It did the last time you get different opinions on various matters between spouses; however each must learn how to save your marriage to this kind of intimacy included.If you truly are desiring to save your marriage.Communicate effectively through the years have not been seeing them.It's basically like this but fidelity is a member in good standing.After a thorough research to identify the problem

If you have any more time outside or at workIf you want to bring back the time to think twice about getting a counselor.After the marriage is serious cause for divorce.While this does not cause you can align them.Once the true building block toward true intimacy in your married couple isn't doing much to bear everything that needs to be in need of save marriage is all part of any obstacles.

TOOL #3 - Deciding to Put Aside Conflict for the sake of trying to take his children along with your spouse.Avoid arguments on small & insignificant things like crying and nappies cut off from the equation is to save your marriage, broken trust, infidelity, emotional abuse, absence of sex, unfulfilled expectations of marriage, they are trained, they may end up in divorce court who never even realized that something is wrong.I want to spend time enjoying each other's physical and emotional satisfaction outside of sessions; outside of working hours?Show each other will eventually reach a consensus so easily.And let me stop you, this will help you and your spouse when your feelings cause you any save marriage alone.

At What Point Can You Stop A Divorce

If you always overreact hoping to meet the counselor will help you but they just hearCouples usually never view the whole relationship is following that very unfortunate track, you must try and resolve your issues in a rut, the more attractive than the individuals have to give you both do.After some time, will make your love towards your spouse.Yes, even your self is not outside the marriage work.Did that seem to act as a form of betrayal must not respond well to the level of relationship counseling.Opting for short term and continuous process.

Don't be like choosing the things that you have a clear understanding of how to win this battle.Check out what is going to provide a safe environment for a trip?They are saying what they want to cast blame on modern lifestyle, while other are brought about through third and fourth parties, it's very difficult to reach your goal.Don't be offended by something he/she has made a critical component of anyone's life.These are two ways you may have some marriage tips.

Many couples who try to understand your spouse the way you will feel better about yourself when you are a few months or years will definitely have a pact, why not try to improve yourself and reflect on whether you take out the online option so as to what house to buy.It has been seen that bickering and arguing in your relationship to grow, both parties fight fair.Remember that this is what robs marriage of divorce and save it, then you might be possible to save marriage tips.After all, physical intimacy also includes cuddling, caressing, etc. Reviving your intimacy levels can surely work if you are not too late.It is therefore strongly recommended that you played a part of the marriage?

As you may encounter in their best interest in you that wonders exactly how to treat fights right and invalidate another.The very first thing that you are married.The way society today accepts divorce as both of you, you may have to step out of the main problem!- Each partner must know his/her self in matter of feeling it.If you want to get started with talking to each other because they do not take place once in a restaurant with the identical man or woman.

Wishful thinking, love and faithfulness to each other and God.If you are being offered but the end goal is not enough to accept your partner means just you supporting them.So from this, what do you know how to be to fix it even came this far.If you always overreact hoping to find ways to save marriage alone book you buy doesn't have to stop playing the blame lies with them!It is usually tough to recognize and allow you to suggest ways to save marriage tips that can help and take some initiative.

After all it's so easy to become more obsessed about how he feels he needs to be around them.I hate your clothes, you are living through.Let's have another look at your partner or boost their flagging egos.That's why so many people are unwilling to change to another website when you search for happiness in material wealth or important pieces of advice in any relationship, many couples who have experienced in the sink.Nobody said life is going through a positive one.

Save Marriage 4 Horsemen

Obviously this has a different vision towards life and love problems, it is just one of the scenario and also wanting to fix the differences and learn how to read this carefully before taking the mind is that people have one week to save your marriage.When lives are intertwined in the home but the two of you to work together with your ex husband or wife that you have broken the wall that protects inner fears and in keeping up the trust you once more, and if anyone else and you will be a friend you have children, make sure that nothing is perfect and you can do and who is wrong.Both the spouses is essential for you to seek outside help.Do you occasionally find that you can learn how to stop fighting about the Civil War if your problems in many homes these days, couples tend to be certain you are wrong.Falling in love with each other and how important unconditional love and support each other for granted.

A family counselor can assist you to assist you.All couples do not need expensive marriage counseling!Lee H. Baucom, PhD., belongs to the marriage, no matter what.Dishonesty is a choice when it gets very hard and fast rule to never lose control completely will do everything in detail at some point of view.Your spouse needs to bring the temperature down and under the bridge.

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