#that tiny ”why not” sounded personal

[buckttommy]

the way 911 has not let me rest literally all day. and now we're into another day. what the hell

#no one else knows what this is like btw #i cant explain this to people who are not in this fandom #i will sound like a crazy person #like yes. well. you see. i DID cry because of a grown man's interview and i also cried because he looked tiny. and i also cried because #this cast is telling the truth when they say they like each other. and also because ryan and oliver love buck and eddie's softness and also #why am i crying so much? well. you see. this is an entirely normal response to these situations. so don't worry about it #like ????

[powerup-the-revolution]

long lost brothers....

#they are saying the EXACT same line #with their tiny little difference :') inosuke says it more roughly yet he's more grammatically correct #nande hito no kao jirojiro miteagatte -> inuyasha makes it sounds more general - why would you stare at someone's face #nani ore no kao jirojiro to miteagare -> inosuke actually adds the grammatically correct 'to' but makes it personal lol #'what are you looking at MY face FOR'???? -> he's a pokemon NPC trying to fight lmao #anyways. here comes the New Hyperfixation #i didn't expect inuyasha to be so dark and messed up and i'm having a GREAT time #and the PARALLELS.... the way inosuke and inuyasha's characters intersect so much ;w; #i will and am making a whole AU out of it hehehe #kimetsu no yaiba #inuyasha #demon slayer #hashibira inosuke

[opens-up-4-nobody]

...

#well. today was a nice day of not doing anything but drawing really. theres an au where i went to art school and am a happier person lol #except not really bc im sure my head would ruin that too. anyway. its a shame i have to return to the pain tomorrow. i have so much to grade #plus a paper to write plus data to work with. a protocol to figure out. and an exam to study for and a final project thatll kill me #god. i also have to get ready for lab Monday. christ. and what shall i say to my therapist Tuesday? well we could try to tackle the deep set #looming issue that prevents me from getting better in our tiny 50min session or i could be like listen. just fucking listen. let me give u #the case 4 and against me having adhd so i can stop feeling fucking nuts. just like give me feedback. ya kno? #it would b inattentive bc im not hyper unless im losing my mind and bordering on hyp0mania. but my focus is something i cant control #executive functioning has always been a problem but now im so worn down im in danger of actual consequences. and its not just things i dont #wanna do. im not just anxiously avoiding. i cant start tasks and stick with them. i flip back and forth and get nothing done. i spiral #sometimes for hours. im not doing anything fun im just not doing anything. frozen in anguish. i dont even wanna think abt how much money ive #lost by not filling out reimbursement sheets which arent hard to do. theyre easy i just never do them. why??? i dont fucking kno. but im not #forgetful. im thinking constantly abt these things. i just cant make them happen. theyre stuck buffering. i do have memory issues tho #my short term working memory is like that of a literal child. so i cant follow complex instructions. i constantly need new info. constantly #need sound. spoken words plus music at the same time. but the main reason i need an answer to this is the reading issue. which is that im #dyslexic but also my thoughts r like an interfering frequency. without realizing ill b thinking and not reading. its a problem no matter #what im reading. its severely disruptive. i will physically read out loud to try to hold my attention in place and still get distracted by #my own head. do u kno how frustrating it is to read something aloud 3 times and not know wtf u just read bc u arent thinking abt anything #interesting u would rsther b reading but u can't fucking pay attention long enough. genuinely if its not adhd and i cant get medication to #fix my focus issues i dont kno wtf im gonna do. im so bad at reading and its extremely frustrating. but is it just dyslexia? idk what i #described doesn't fucking seem normal or like a reading problem. sounds like a focus issue. so riddle me that #idk ive got adhd on both sides of my family plus my focus fluctuates with ny hormones plus homones possibly induce hyp0mania. like i mean #ive got other issues which make a diagnosis difficult to parse but like i feel like that's decent evidence for possibly adhd? my friend said #she was always worried she had a brain tumor before she was diagnosed. to me ive always felt like my brain is full of holes. im missing the #parts that would let it operate correctly. the frontal lobe is just fucked. ugh. i wonder how much accommodation i could get from the #disability office if i actually went to them. i wont bc im fucked up and i dont think they could actually do anything for me at this stage #but alas im curious. ugh. y do i do this to myself? i kno y but not enough time for that in 50min. bad attitude mostly. half my brain #just craves death. the other half is just trying to tread water but its hard with someone trying to drown u. so its all fucked #unrelated

[godofsmallthings]

i love acting like 1989tv is going to catapult me into a 1989 phase when we've done this three times already so i know that actually i'll listen to it once in full and be like huh these sound mildly different in a way that is so uncanny to me because of how well i know the originals and then i will only listen to the vault tracks and in a year will finally warm up to the album and have a belated 1989 phase :)

#and honestly? not complaining at all #i keep forgetting speak now tv is out #and i had my taylor discography playlist on the other day in the car and a speak now song came on (mean maybe?) and i was like half paying #attention and halfway through the song i'm like why the fuck does this sound so weird? #like girl did you forget about taylor lautner backflip?? hello???????? #it's wild how ppl moralize liking/not liking the rerecords on here (on both sides of the equation) and it's such a tired convo so i hate #posting about it bc really what am i adding to this discussion #but if anyone cares my stance is that music and memory is so personal and if your excitement about the rerecords #and the technical/vocal improvements in the (earlier especially) recordings works better for you then that's so awesome!! #i wish my creature-of-habit brain could work a little more like that truly bc i think i would have a teeny bit more fun with this #but if you're like me and have gotten used to/emotionally attached to specific vocal performances and tiny details #take ur timeeeeeeee <3 the best part about music is that once it's out it's not going anywhere #the best feeling is when you start having those attachments to the rerecorded version of a song (state of graceeeeeee) #and if that adjustment never happens for u then that's also fine (although it takes two seconds to put those mp3s of all the albums u def #have lying around somewhere into a silly little spotify playlist and listen to those instead of streaming the ogs. turn on local files!!!!) #anyway. i love not giving scooter braun/ppl who treat music as an investment instead of an art money <3 #and i love that the rerecords have bene giving us a chance to really reflect upon and celebrate specific albums and eras for a prolonged #period of time. especially as someone who missed most of these when they were happening. #vi is typing...

[teaandinanity]

Sometimes I'm like 'oh, right, the inside of my head is Not The Standard Model' about the DUMBEST possible shit.

#there's some polls about non-canon pairings for the main characters of books that center a canonical pairing #and I'm just like '... why are y'all reading books if you don't like the pairing that's on the page????' #and a friend tried to explain that you can like more than one pairing because sometimes it's fun #and I just. it doesn't compute. my brain goes 'sounds fake. hate this.' #I have a tiny tiny handful of pairs where I'll happily read one of the characters with another person because I really like that ship too #but NONE of them are canonical so in that case both of the ships are fanon #and I have a few things where I went 'that's fucking stupid they have two hands and polyamory exists' about a canonical pairing #but for some reason the idea of doing that first thing when I love an official pairing makes me feel like I'm breaking out in hives #like to the point where I have a bunch of things blacklisted here and have just bookmarked my searches with all the exclusions on AO3 #anyway in conclusion I'm gonna find a way to block these hopefully without unfollowing anything I wanna be following #but sometimes people just do not tag and if I can't blacklist then it becomes Necessary so I can stop mentally wailing 'WHYYYY' all the tim #this is also me wailing ab having to unsub and never finish a fic #whyyyyy

[piplupod]

i think what upsets me most, besides the fact that this means no more accordion unless i somehow miraculously get it fixed, is that despite my best efforts to be careful and not mess up, i still managed to make a mistake and fuck it up. despite understanding and appreciating how expensive and valuable and fragile this instrument is, despite my best efforts to keep it safe and in good condition, i still managed to mess up and damage it.

like ... I just mess up. I have something nice, something of value, and I cannot seem to keep it safe and taken care of. things end up ruined. shirts get holes, dresses get stains, electronics get battery acid leaking or cracked, dishes get broken, book pages get torn or bent, trinkets get chipped, instruments are bonked and rattled. i am so terrified of handling anything that things most often just stay sitting in lidded bins so they are safe from carpet beetles and dust and dirt and food and me.

i just feel awful, i dont understand why I can't just keep things safe and in good condition ?? why is this so impossible for me, especially when i care so much ??

#i think this is partially why i dont allow myself any good art supplies #I got a set of charcoals several years ago and I've barely touched them bc im terrified of fucking them up #but if i get smth from the dollar store? that stuff is getting used immediately #bc its cheap and its not very good quality #im not afraid of using things up. im afraid of ruining them #im such a careful person too but i just. always end up fucking up some time #idk what is wrong w me #this sounds so melodramatic but god im tired #i still feel sick that my nice shirt from the 70s got a tiny hole burned into it bc of fire sparks that i didnt know were around #like i just. cannot have nice things idk. i have the absolute worst luck it seems like. or maybe i just am not careful enough #idk how to be any more careful though honestly fhfkdl #like i either keep things stored away safely sealed up or i am exceedingly careful in handling them #and do everything i can think of and find out to make sure nothing happens #and yet ! #i just feel like a massive idiot for this idk fhfmkl silly me to think i could be trusted w this instrument #there are some websites and videos teaching ppl how to fix accordions but... its complex #but i either attempt a fix myself or never play it again bc getting a professional is too expensive #so ... i guess I'll have to take the dive and tinker w it if i want even a chance at playing again #im just terrified I'll break it even further #also i dont think i have access to everything I'll need for fixing it depending on whats gone wrong #so idk if it'll even be possible even if its doable like. i need Tools and leather and felt #i have spare leather scraps but no felt :| #and no special pliers fjfkdl #argh argh im so upset w myself for this #pippen needs 2nd breakfast

[pendragora]

Might a girl live without any body horrors for just one fucking night

#le sigh #sometimes i really. really. REALLY want to shake my mother up. look her in the eyes and yell on top of my lungs #why? because she is the source of this... pesky and disgusting thought that i only ever am beautiful if i am tiny light and petite #which i am not. 1) i am 5'9 which doesnt sound like a lot but usually i am the tallest person in the room #2) i have been obsessively working out most of my life out of fear of growing big and this? this gave me a trained muscle #i feel big. i feel heavy. i cant change my diet because i am autistic. because there is barely anything to change after all that time. #i just want to. i just want to feel okay about the way i am. may i please for the love of gods at least see myself as normal. feel neutral #i am tired of weighting myself and having to talk myself out of the feeling of disgust when the digits get to 74 #i am tired of stressing over a single sentimeter above my usual 100-70-100-ish figure #i am so so SO tired of seeing myself as ugly or fat the moment i put on something comfy and big. the moment my clothes are not a second skin #for the love of gods. please. how long is this going to take? how much longer can i possibly work for body neutrality? #i dont even ask to ever be positive about the way i look. i just. i just want to not eant to cut parts of myself off in delusional hopes #how many more nights will i spend crying because of this #how long. HOW LONG #this is too much #lena exposed

[wowitsverycool]

i'm so fuckin tired all day dude. I'M JUST LIKE MY FAVORITE CHARACTER HAHAHAHA

#^ god shut up that's so fucking annoying of you #why do you love to make your life a narrative. why do you despair to an imaginary audience. #can't you just like drink soemthing and chill the fuck out #tbh you're probably unconsciously manifesting your own suffering in a bid to be just like them right. you idiot. because you wanna be speci #you're not a person you're a chameleon. you're a mood ring #jessuuuss chriiiiist you make me sick #you're a walking language learning model. there's nothing in that tiny little brain of yours but the echoes of written dialogue #you've generated from the millions you've read before. all the people you've absorbed. #you don't have a soul but you do like to pick bits and pieces from others #you've created a nice amalgamation. beautiful. #all melty. all ruined. like caterpillar mush. like whatever crawled out of the chrysalis half formed. #and that's not even your own fuckin metaphor #HAHAHA you're getting angry at yourself for something you don't even believe in. you have no morals #you're spineless. you're nothing in particular. you're whatever *sounds right*. jesus. #oh gosh oh gee you don't want to tag this vent that would ruin the MOOD!! it would ruin the AESTHETIC!!! THE ARTISTRY!!!! #YOU SUCK SO FUCKING BAD #YOU'RE NOT EVEN GOOD AT TELLING A STORY IT'S ALL MISHMASHED AND UNFORMED #WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU #... #vent #<- you know. so no one GETS MAD AT ME. CANT HAVE THAT. CAN NEVER HAVE THAT. THAT WOULD BE OFF SCRIPT

[caruliaa]

who else up straigh up loosing all the time !!!

#hey guyss someone i kinda hate got to do smth i kinda wnat to more than anything long before ill ever get to so im feeling a bit murdrous #a teeny tiny bit towards that person i kinda hate but thats not fair of me #a huge amount towards the people who are the reason i cant and that *is* fair of me #mostly towards the consept of the universe and the world in general tho. yk. #what a fucking joke that aroundt his time last year my dad told me “when have you ever had to wait for anything?” #bc i didnt feel like giving my sister the switch after she threw a temper tantrum and started breaking my shit #like !! fucking always dickhead !!! and you and your strict ass parenting bc are 90% of why !! #i never get to do ANYTHING the same time that others around me get to . i always have to wait if i get to at all and im sorry for #sounding like a brat but its not fucking fair . whatever #im going to go look to see if i can find the tubes of my old oil paints i couldnt a while back #and if i dont im going to kill someone with my mind #flappy rambles

[opens-up-4-nobody]

...

#listen. sometimes. when i get emails pertaining to a specific project i worked on that nearly broke my brain. i just stop what im doing #and start playing Losing My Religion by REM. and i wish the person emailing me could see me face down at a table listening to thay song #mostly its fine. its just when someones trying to manage the data files so i kno im gonna have to go back thru and update my code #for a bunch of tiny stuff and its like: does this sound ok? and i just dont care so much that i want to start screaming #and then at the end of the day i hike up a fucking mountain going over what im gonna tell a therapist when my insurance switches #and im gonna say it in a way thats v calm and agreeable but i want to scream and tear my hair out. or maybe i wont b agreeable. i wasnt #last time i was in a therapist office but that guy deserved it and i wasn't being that bad #ugh. im just mad bc working on my stuff makes me so miserable that when i stop its like wow im no longer in agony. cool #coool. fun times. becoming increasingly apprehensive abt how im gonna try to b more healthy abt working while taking on triple #the responsibility with a phd project and being a student and being a TA. i mean. ill try but its gonna b fucking interesting #ugh. had to bust out the burnout playlist. which like. when u try to look at other ppls burnout playlists they all suck #theyre all like former gifted kid burnout Playlists and im like fuckkk offfff. why do u not have the incredibly specific vibes that im #looking for? i just demand the perfect burnout playlist and somehow nobody puts No Surprises on there #like what??? y not? its a song abt being so totally saturated that youve had enough. a heart thats full up like a landfill. a job that #slowly kills u. bruises that wont heal. how is it not THE burnout song? but whatever. i listen to too much radi0head. #ugh. but now my burnout playlist is becoming too much like my My Brain Doesnt Feel Too Good playlist #listen. i just need to curate playlist so that they can express the feelings for me #unrelated

[todayisafridaynight]

my god ill shut up about the whole arakawa-calling-jo-when-x thing in a sec but i FINALLY realized what i was trying to say about it why do i have a total of three functioning brain cells

#snap chats #i WAS rereading my own srb we know i love reading my own posts because im an egotist with no ego #and then fucking. i remembered how to read and reread tenno's ask on it and GODDD IM DUMB #like i made that initial post with no real direction i was just kinda rambling but i realized a tiny extra layer #in that arakawa using 'jo' opposed to 'sawashiro' does expose the matter as personal opposed to clan related #like. like in retrospect it just kinda exposes that the clan in particular wasnt in danger it was the arakawas themselves #do we know what i mean. because masato was in jeopardy here not jo or the clan #my god im going to chokeslam past me for glossing over that completely why is my brain internet explorer #i feel like i sound nonsensical with this but i always feel stupid when i speak so that feeling is nothing new i reckon #ok my eyes hurt and i have a tiny goofy comic drafted for the morning #please forgive me for being stupid when i finish that comic itll be my apology. ok bye

[icewindandboringhorror]

............ ultimate somng

#i'll go a few months without hearing this and then for some reason I do again and I go insane #especially the very opening first section ....hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh #I like the orchestral version too but the piano one just has a different vibe in some ways #again I'm not really a big music person (in terms of listening to/being a fan of stuff. I like to make music and experiment with instruments #but like I've never been in a band fandom or or been to concert or cared about anything in a pop culture type way) I just have like #a list of some hyper specific songs with specific tones that I listen to like 400x in a row until I get tired of them and then #choose to listen to somehting else 400x in a row until I enetually circle back to one of the ones I already listened to 400x in a row #I rarely ever put music on in the backgroudn while doing things or treat it as an activity it's more of like.. a fixation or something #I go through 'music phases' where I just feel like listening to music as an ativity for a little while and then dont again for a few months #and when I do it's like the same songs 400x in a row again but gyhbhj #or sometimes cycles through a few songs or something but all on repeat #NONE of which are ever like related to each other in any way but are jus what my brain wants to hear 4998898 times for some reason #my most recent music phase rotation was - 'moses fantasy' by paganini. 'luxury' azaleia banks. the fucking charles darwin natural selection #song from horrible histories. rock the casbah??? (idk why for a few days i just wanted to hear it ghhj). the succession opening theme. #'Ludacrismas' even though it's the middle of summer. and 'I just wanna dance with you' - starpoint..lol.. ALSO for a period of #like 2 days I was mentally preoccupied with that meme edited version of that genghis khan song that instead makes it say 'mingus kingus #' or 'i get a little bit dingus bingus' or whatever hbjhbhj.. If you don't know some of those go look them up. then put them all #in a youtube playlist and put it on repeat 6000x. this will give you a tiny snapshot into one aspect of my current mental landscape. #Really want to do a kazoo cover of Moses Fantasy. literally imagine how annoying that would sound on a loud abrasive kazoo #and ALSO how probably annoying parts of it would be to try to do ghhbjb.. the super high pitched violin but desperately squeaked #through the raspy cadence of a dollar store kazoo.... this is my design #okay im listening to it again HGHBHJ the fast parts.... just *frantic squabbling into a kazoo that's not even accurate* #ANYWAY.. I don't talk about music often because like most things I am also not capable of consuming music in a Normal Way and am defintely #not a cool trendsetter or someone with GoodOpinions to share. one of my favorite songs is something I heard in a commercial when I was #7 years old and nothing has ever topped it so.. ghbjhb.. .I am dictated not by popular media or trends but by an obscure series of algorithm #s performed by tiny squirrels that live in my brain who randomly pick and choose songs to suddenly resurfance into my conscious #'Remember that thing you heard a snippet of in school music class when you were 6? find it NOW on youtube. listen 500 times. now' #'then also literally don't listen to music again for 3 entire months until the next 4 day period where you listen to one thing on repeat' #ANYWAY ANYWAY.. obsessed with this ravel song again. also still in the grips of the charles darwin one unfortunately ghbhjbhj #brain is just a mix of *dreamlike ethereal piano* NA TU RAAAL SE LEC TIOOONNN *twinkling piano again* hGGMM... yeaaAA

[mystery-star]

Ok but... if you’re a rude little piece of shit you should not be allowed to use public transport

Like today the guy in front of me just slammed his seat-backrest back at max speed.

Worse: It slammed right into my knee. My knee I’m already having trouble and pains with (idk what it is, doctors are trying to diagnose it).

So I let out a yelp of pain. Not a really loud one but yeah. And I start rubbing my knee to soothe my pain.

And the guy? Turns back around to me, grimaces and says: “What the hell’s wrong with you?!”

#worst of all: it's the second time it happened in a week #like the first time some guy just slammed back the seat #I grunted in pain and he ignored it #he had headphones on so well #but that dude today like... #WHY would you slam back the seat in the first place and not do it slowly? #or if it is an accident already then apologize if someone is behind oyu #and if that person gives a sound of pain show at least some frigging tiny bit of humanity and apologize #some people really #public transport #that's when i start to understand villians who juts kill all people that annoy them #istg i was that close to hitting the guy #or yelling at him #or start pounding against his seat from behind #also my knee was trapped in an uncomfy space for the whole 40 min ride #becuase there was no space thanks to mr asshole who moves his backrest closer

[imwritesometimes]

it's always jarring to me to remember that most people, in fact, are not living almost every day with at least a mild headache...

#I don't even need to intake any substances I just get the headache! for free! walking around constantly sensitive to all light and sound! #why are you grumpy?? idk the sun makes me feel like there's a tiny person with a chisel in my brain just... #hammering away at the center of my skull and the backs of my eyes #that's without the back pain from the car accidents! #I want super mega aleve like 98263743 mg dose I deserve it #erin explains it all