#that was good comedy dialogue man

[sanjisboyfie]

basketball player ! gojo satoru headcanons

gojo satoru x male reader

warning: short dialogue of homophobia (satoru deals with it swiftly though)

-> HE'S SO BABYGIRL IN THIS PHOTO.

basketball player ! satoru . . . who is even taller than canon because why would he be a professional basketball player and only 6'3 guys c'mon, bro has to be at least 6'6-6'8. but of course, he's not only gotten bigger, his ego did as well. add the fact that he's a good player...yeah, no one is safe from the cocky, lowkey-asshole basketball player gojo satoru. (except for you !!! because he acts like a complete and total sweetheart to you).

basketball player ! satoru . . . being so shamelessly and publically infatuated with you, his lovely, lovely, lovely boyfriend. he is always on top of you anywhere in public, makes sure you're always courtside, he needs to make sure his baby can see him.

during satoru's matches, he's always focused in. he doesn't really look at you that much and you do understand. he's trying to win, he hates losing. so he gives everything for his team to be the ones on top.

his tall figure moves cleanly across the court, making his team win more than 50% of the time. and when he scores that winning shot, he's running over to you first.

he's bulldozing through the people that are running to him because he can give less of a shit about them. his piercing blue eyes are focused in on you and only you. how your eyes are teary from how proud you are of him for making the winning shot, how high your cheeks are from that charming smile, and how your arms are already open and expectingly waiting for him.

he powers through the crowd and takes you into his arms, grinning into the skin of your neck before pulling away and proudly kissing you in front of everything and all the cameras.

the crowd loves it, the deafening screams from the stands are enough to show for that. they love how openly in love satoru is with you, how completely smitten he is.

his arms are bound around your waist and he's easily hold you up in his arms as he spins the two of you around. you're in your own world as you laugh at his antics and hold on tight to his sweaty torso to not lose balance.

"i love you, sweet boy," he whispers into your ear, looking at the cameras that are all around him with nothing but pure euphoria in his eyes. "i love you so much, couldn't have done it without you. it's all for you, all of it,"

the world can't hear him, but they can read his lips. and twitter falls in love with that moment and use it to set their expectations and standards even higher than they already were.

shoutout gojo satoru for being so obviously in love with you.

basketball player ! satoru . . . who is always photographed beside you. if this man ever comes out of his home, it's only because you're also leaving your shared home and he cannot be alone for the life of him (plus, he just wants to be near his boyfriend all the time). the fans love you guys so much because of how lovey-dovey satoru gets with you, and only you. they've never seen him be so soft for anyone else.

satoru was draped over your back, craning his head down so that his face near yours. with your drastic height difference, it definitely made some passerbys look at you two with wide eyes.

an abnormally tall man trying to shrink himself down to the height of his boyfriend. satoru's arms were hanging in front of your torso, holding your shopping bags in his slender fingers with ease.

he was giggling in your ear, watching the tiktok that was playing from your phone. it was a silly comedy video, pressing his finger to the screen to open up the comments.

and then when it was finally your turn to order your drink at the cafe, he took the phone from you and continued on watching as you ordered. you rolled your eyes at his antics, muttering under your breath about how he was just a big, ipad man-baby.

the woman at the counter took your order as calmly as she could, recognizing you and the towering figure behind you. after ordering, you wordlessly took satoru's wallet out from the bag he was holding and dropped a hefty tip into the tip jar.

after pocketing his wallet back into your pocket, you had to physically drag him from where he was standing because he was so immersed in the tiktoks on your fyp that he didn't realize that you were done ordering.

as you waited by the counter, you took note of how there was now a swarm of papparazzi crowding around the exit of the humble cafe you two were in.

taking note of the mass amounts of people, satoru looked at you with a softness he only uses with you, "do you want me to call the guys? they can clear them up for us before we leave,"

you hummed, thinking about it before nodding, "yeah, these people didn't ask for those annoying cameras to be flashing through the window like that. it's so fucking rude," satoru nodded in agreement, taking out his own phone (which looked like a toy in his huge hands) and exchanged some words with his own team of security.

by the time your coffee was finished brewing and served to you, the papparazzi were being held off by a chain of bodyguards and being held at bay so that you two could peacefully leave the cafe.

the next day, pictures of you two leaving were trending on all social media. satoru's hand was around your shoulders in all of the photos, his hand around your shoulder was protectively blocking the side of your face that was being bombarded by the blinding flashes. a scowl was on his face as he walked through the crowd to your car. he opened the door for you first, walking around the front of the expensive vehicle and flipping the cameras off one last time before getting into the driver's side and speeding off.

"i was in the cafe, trying not to freakk out beacuse oh my god gojo satoru and [name] [last name] were right in front of me. and i swear the moment gojo noticed that he was uncomfortable with the people, he called his team or whatever to get all the paps out!!"

"they're so cute, do you see how gojo is holding him so close??? ughh literally goals!"

"seeing what gojo is like on and off court is crazy, thanks [name] for showing us his soft side <3"

basketball player ! satoru . . . uses every chance he gets to talk about you when he does press conferences or interviews. lovingly calls you his "baby," "hubby," or, "handsome boy."

basketball player ! satoru . . . god forbid someone say some sneaky shit to him about his relationship with you aka his sexuality. if someone tries anything with a backhanded comment about satoru's relationship with you, they will be dealt with swiftly and colorfully (as in, he will be cursing them out with zero remorse and no hesitation). because foh with that homophobic shit, satoru has no patience for that.

"so how have you and the mister been doing, gojo? you're nearly hitting the three year mark!" a very enthusiastic reporter asked, a wide grin on their face.

and satoru felt his lips tug up in a grin at the mention of you, holding the mic carefully as he spoke, "we're doing great, yeah, uhm, we got another cat - even though i told him i wanted a dog. it's a cute addition to our little family."

his response made the reporter only more giddy, going on to ask another question regarding your homey life together, before they were cut off by a rude person in the crowd shouting, "how does it feel to be acting like a fucking bitch dating another dude?! top paid player gojo satoru takes it up the ass!? you're fucking disgusting!"

satoru's eyebrows lifted in surprise at the audacity of the person, his blue eyes scanning the crowd for who was responsible for screaming that.

"sorry, whoever that was, could you just stand up?" he asked into the mic, his once cheerful and laid back tone turning into an intimidating rumble, "c'mon, don't be a pussy, where the fuck are you?"

the security grabbed ahold of the guy and satoru visibly blanched at the sight of him.

"say that shit again to my face, let's hear it," satoru goaded the man, who was now sweating bullets. "oh, don't give me that look! do you really think i'd let you say that shit without any consequences?" a sarcastic laugh left satoru's lips, "look into all these cameras, man, you're fucking ruined. no one wants a homophobic, ugly dude representing them and their company. no, because did you really think i'd let you disrespect my man like that?"

there was a hanging silence in the room as satoru glared at the man.

"don't even think about speaking about my relationship with [name] ever again. or else, you're really fucking dead. it's not a threat, it's a promise. i'll bash your head in," satoru said, slamming the mic onto the table and walking out of the grand conference room. he didn't even flinch at the flashes of the cameras, calmly putting his signature sunglasses down to block out the blinding lights.

that day, the only thing that calmed him down was holding you in his arms. his manager had called you to the greenroom since he was giving everyone a bad attitude, unintentionally, and borderline throwing a tantrum.

when he finally got you in his hold again, he apologized for his behavior earlier.

"don't apologize to me, apologize to your team who had to deal with your bullshit before i came," you lightly scolded him, running your hand through his soft locks. "are you feeling better, though?"

"better now that you're here," he squeezed around your waist, burying his head into your neck, "much better, thank you, baby,"

basketball player ! satoru . . . has his entire social media feed just be pictures of you and what you two do together. whether it's your latest, impromptu trip to hawaii or just a picture of you two cuddling in bed, you're all over his feed. his social media just screams how in love with you he is. his fucking profile picture is of you two cuddling in bed with his jersey very subtly seen as the only thing you're wearing. before that, it was just a picture of him and you kissing that he took when you went on your anniversary trip last year. his bio is the team he plays for, his jersey number, and then a white heart next to your username as he blatantly tags you in his bio. underneath that there might be a, "happily married" with the ring emoji next to it even though you two aren't even married yet.

basketball player ! satoru . . . who would spoil you rotten with everything you ever want. why would he have all this money if not to spoil you??? he just wants to make you happy with anything he can provide, and if part of that is him dropping bands on top of bands on whatever it is you want, then so be it. he doesn't care. he's willing to spend however much he needs to keep you happy and content.

satoru's win had encouraged him to treat YOU out to a mall trip .... even though he was the one who should have been celebrated and treated out since he was the winner.

he cheesily denies that offer by saying, "i'm only a winner because i have you, baby boy, c'mon let me treat you," and then he playfully bites the lobe of your ear to distract you from teh mass amounts of money he is going to spend on you.

that day, you walk out of the mall with a whole bunch of bags (gucci, burberry, dior, prada, etc.etc.) that he's easily holding in his large hands. people notice that there is a new chain around your neck with a cute "g" and "s" charm hanging from it, refracting every bit of light that gets caught in its surface with how blinding the diamonds are. he has a matching one as well, with your initials, which he proudly shows the cameras of the papparazzi as they soon swarm you guys. then he's flipping them off again.

-

you and basketball player ! satoru are a power couple that the media and fans love. any homophobic comment that reaches satoru's ears are called out and dealt with by his sharp tongue and scary, blue eyes glaring at whoever was dishing out those comments. he's a complete softy for you too and he is NOT one to shy away from that, loves showing off how happy he is with you and ONLY you.

also last bit before i go: he definitely has two photos of you in his wallet. one of them is a cute polaroid you guys took at his family's house for xmas the other is..............promiscuious.

-> next, drabble <3

#jjk male reader #jujutsu kaisen male reader #jjk x male reader #jujutsu kaisen x male reader #gojo satoru male reader #satoru male reader #gojo satoru x male reader #satoru x male reader #satoru reader #gojo x male reader #gojo x reader #gojo satoru imagines #satoru imagines #satoru headcanons #gojo satoru headcanons #male reader

[lc-holy]

Conférence Masterclass 808 (Translation)

I've taken the liberty of translating the conference that took place last year with the writing director of Miraculous (Sébastien Thibaudeau). It was only made public when someone posted a video of the conference a short while ago.

In this conference, Sébastien Thibaudeau will talk about the creation of Miraculous and his work on the series. He is joined by Chloé Paye, a new scriptwriter working on Miraculous season 6.

Sébastien talks a lot and repeats himself a bit, so the summary can be a bit confusing.

I strongly advise you to go and listen to the video if you understand French. There are a lot of details I'm going to leave out, and Sébastien is very funny.

Photo belongs to mlbfanfr on twitter.

Please be respectful in comments or tags. If you want to debate on things related to this conference, please make your own post. I apologize if there are any mistakes, I'm French and I'm not fluent in English.

-12 years ago, Sébastien arrived at Zagtoon, a studio that was just starting out and had yet to produce and broadcast any series. The producer (Jérémy Zag) and Sébastien hit it off and decided to start working together. Zag decides to give Sébastien total freedom over his projects. Sébastien then decides to put the spotlight on scriptwriters, because in this profession they are unfortunately poorly paid and never stay on the same projects.

So they produced a cartoon called Kobushi. A little-known series that did rather well, even if it didn't stay on the "Gulli" channel for long. The scriptwriters and producer were happy with the end result, as it was produced in a very short time.

Jeremy Zag then proposed another project, which he thought was quite good, but which he was unable to sell to broadcasters. At the time, the project was called "Ladybug". No one was interested, as the project was aimed more at an adult audience than a children's audience. Sébastien had to make sure that the project could be broadcast on Disney and TF1.

There was only a "trailer" also called "Ladybug" (but you'll find the video under the title Ladybug PV) animated by Toei animation. At the time, Sébastien had not yet been hired by Zagtoon. It was Jérémy Zag who convinced Toei animation to work with them (no mean feat, since Toei animation doesn't work with anyone).

So Sébastien started working with Thomas Astruc (the man who wrote and created the "Ladybug" project). At first, he didn't want to work on this project because he found it complicated. Thomas wanted to make a series for adults, but at the time, it was very complicated to make a cartoon for adults. What's more, they didn't have enough money to take on such a project. Sébastien finally agreed, but there were some changes to be made, which Thomas accepted.

-What Sébastien appreciated most in this project was the romantic comedy, the love square between the two main characters.

To meet the requirements of the cartoon industry, "Ladybug" had to be set in a neutral universe, in other words, in an imaginary country or the USA, but Zag, who loves Paris, declared that the cartoon had to be set in Paris.

In the end, Thomas Astruc's entire project was discarded, leaving only the love story between the two heroes and the city of Paris, where the story was to take place.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

-Sébastien explains how he writes Marinette's first dialogues: He says he talks a lot in real life, so he writes Marinette like him. She says out loud whatever she's thinking.

For Chat noir, he makes him tell his father's jokes. Something TF1 doesn't accept. The TV channel went so far as to refuse to validate the Bible (a collection of information on the series and episodes) until it had removed the sentence: “Chat noir makes jokes”. Sebastien has therefore removed the sentence, but will continue to make Chat noir tell jokes.

-The writing director's job is to get the producer, creator and broadcaster to agree. The series broadcast on TF1 and Disney are very different. TF1 wants series whose story can be told in a single episode, unlike Disney, which wants series whose story spans several episodes.

Sébastien and TF1 agree that Miraculous will be a series with one story per episode, a "Formula Show".

He cites the example of Dora the Explorer episodes, where every episode is the same: Dora goes on an adventure from point A to point B, she has to find 3 clues, then she meets Swiper, she sings a song to make Swiper go away, she uses the talking map to get from one place to another, then Dora manages to get to point B and the episode ends.

This episode format is used for children, to give them a reassuring framework, as they build themselves up through repetition. That's why series like Dora work so well with young children.

So Sebastien sold the Miraculous series to broadcasters as a formula show. A person gets angry, is akumatized, then marinette transforms into Ladybug then frees the person from the akumatization and… The End.

It's also for this reason that Marinette tries to confess her love for Adrien in every episode, but is unable to do so.

But he tried to go against what he had planned with TF1, by slipping little extra stories into certain episodes. Audiences were receptive to these slightly hidden stories. The TV channel even asked Sébastien if there really were hidden things in the series, but he denied everything. Thanks to the positive reception from the public, TF1 agreed to develop the characters of Marinette and Adrien and flesh out the universe a little more.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

-Once the bible is written, they have to write a script. But first Sébastien, as writing director, needs to know the mood of the series, and to do this he calls on Thomas Astruc, the series creator. Thomas is a great fan of classical painting. A single painting can tell a complex scene with lots of detail. He wants the episodes of miraculous to be like these paintings, there will be very few shots, but in a single shot a lot will happen.

-Sébastien explains that one of the things Thomas wanted to convey in the series was emotion. They didn't want to do what a lot of children's cartoons do, which is to beat the bad guys and win at the end of the episode. They wanted to tell kids that it's normal to have negative emotions. We can also become better people, learn from our mistakes and so on. It also reassures TV channels by setting up scenes that are repeated in every episode: people get angry, people akumatize then people deakumatize, end of episode...

Once the TV channels had been reassured, they set about writing a script.

-Sébastien asks Thomas to write the ending, as they're not sure the series will work. They also wondered what the aim of the series was, and what they wanted to say to the children. The two of them sat down in an office and wrote the ending, which turned out to be just the end of an arc. He even adds that now that they've written a lot more, it's important for them to write in advance so that everything is clear to them.

-The first season was written by 19 authors, from home. He found it interesting that the series was written by several different authors, even if some of them didn't quite understand the premise of the series. One episode that Sébastien particularly appreciated was written by two “autrices” (I think it's weird to say “two female authors”, so I'll use the French word): the refletkta episode, with the story of Juleka who couldn't get into the photos. (Note that all the episodes were proofread by Sébastien and Thomas).

After that, they kept a few people on to work together on the scripts for subsequent seasons.

Sébastien explains that he keeps a close eye on the production of the episodes, to make sure that everything that goes into the picture is as faithful as possible to what they've written in the script.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

-The kwamis exist thanks to Toei, who wanted funny little animals to sell plush toys. So the scriptwriters had to find a way to integrate kwamis into the story.

-(Again, Sébastien advises people to check out the Kobushi series if they can still watch it somewhere, or ask the leaker who leaked the whole of season 5 to give them the episodes (that's a joke, of course)).

-Sébastien talks about the Ikari gozen episode, which could have been a total failure because the storyboarder didn't fully understand the scenario. Sébastien asks Zag to redo the storyboard, which will add 10 weeks to the episode's deadline. The storyboarder admits that he's always done storyboards mechanically, without worrying whether the episode is good or not, whether the jokes are funny or not. Eventually, the episode was redone by the same storyboarder, resulting in the episode we all know today.

- They still have a lot to tell with Miraculous, to the point where they're wondering if they'll have enough seasons to tell everything they want to tell. Sebastien says there will be a season 6 and 7, and probably a season 8 and 9.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

- Chloé Paye met Sébastien when she was looking for an internship. She had never worked in animation, and knew nothing about Miraculous. She tells us how the scriptwriting team works. Each time, all the scriptwriters in the room have to be convinced of the script. They can sometimes spend hours on details to get everyone to agree.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

- The driving force behind the series is that there must always be a secret between Marinette and Adrien. The lovesquare can never be broken, otherwise there's no series. Sébastien knows that some people are worried about this. Will they continue the lovesquare for another 4 seasons or more? How will they evolve? Sébastien says not to worry, they know where they want to go.

-It takes them 14 to 16 months to produce an episode, but it's often much longer due to unforeseen circumstances. And they don't work on one episode at a time, but on several at the same time. One episode takes a long time because of the 3D animation.

One of the things that's complicated with Miraculous 3d animation is that they can only display 3 characters at a time on screen, whereas the series requires them to display many more characters. It's also very difficult to correct animation errors, as this takes a lot of time.

-The TV networks were very surprised by the success of miraculous. They didn't think adults and children alike would watch the series. The TV channels were a little confused because they usually make series for a specific age group, but since miraculous had people of all ages watching, they weren't sure what to do.

- Sébastien says he's very happy that miraculous inspires a lot of people to create things, like writing fanfiction, however he's not interested in it because he doesn't want to be influenced by certain fans who would love to see certain things in the series.

- Writing direction also means paying attention to how the characters speak. They all have their own way of speaking. For example, Adrien will never say "j’te parle", but rather "Je te parle".

- During the writing process, the writers sometimes act out scenes to make the dialogue more natural. This is what happened with the episode "Gang of secrets". They felt that, with the success of the show and the pressure it was generating, they needed to write something to relieve their stress. So they wrote about Marinette and the enormous pressure she was under to keep all her secrets. The final scene, in which Marinette tells Alya that she's Ladybug, came naturally when they performed it together.

#miraculous ladybug #ml writing team #Conférence Masterclass 808

[plutoswritingplanet]

Mortal Kombat 1 Intro Dialogues

a/n: some slightly flirty dialogues for suggested characters from Mortal Kombat 1 (and 11), reader is a blood mage, adjacent to "Unpunishable"

Warnings: Suggestive Language, Obscure References, Poor Attempts at Comedy

Shang Tsung

Shang Tsung: Liu Kang is squandering your potential.

Reader: I trust his judgement completely.

Shang Tsung: You were made for so much more.

...

Reader: You want me to make a deal with the Devil.

Shang Tsung: All I ask in return, is your soul.

Reader: It's too high a price!

...

Shang Tsung: I lay before you my eternal heart...

Reader: There is no love with you, only ownership.

Shang Tsung: I dearly love all of my possessions.

...

Reader: I must believe there's good even in the darkest corners of the world

Shang Tsung: Finding it in me might turn out to be a futile fight

Reader: I don't give up easily, Shang Tsung

...

Shang Tsung: Have you ever thought to say "stop"? "If you love me, you would stop?"

Reader: Not in a thousand years.

Shang Tsung: I see now, why we're destined for each other

...

Reader: The things you've been doing in your laboratories are vile

Shang Tsung: I've used the same magic, as the one coursing through your veins

Reader: Liar!

Liu Kang

Liu Kang: Empress Sindel has approved your application to study Outworld's medicine.

Reader: I'm honored by her trust.

Liu Kang: You'll do a splendid job as Earthrealm's ambassador.

...

Reader: I fear the pull of darkness overpowering me.

Liu Kang: I will guide you, until your mind is at peace.

Reader: What if it never ends?

...

Liu Kang: In the previous timeline, you were my close friend and adversary.

Reader: And in this timeline?

Liu Kang: I'm inclined to say the same.

...

Reader: Doesn't it get lonely, being a God?

Liu Kang: I'm devoted to protecting Earthrealm and its people.

Reader: You didn't answer my question.

...

Liu Kang: Beware Shang Tsung's honeyed words.

Reader: You've said we were destined for each other in all timelines.

Liu Kang: And your union always leads to your suffering.

...

Reader: You knew I'd reject Shang Tsung's offer? Fight him every step of the way?

Liu Kang: I had faith, you would make the right choice

Reader: Honestly, do you have music playing in your head when you say garbage like that

Johnny Cage

Johnny: Let me just say, there's no other place I would rather be, than right here with you right now.

Reader: I can change that very easily.

Johnny: Why so serious, sweet cheeks?

...

Reader: No, Johnny, I won't be playing in any of your movies, ever.

Johnny: Can I ask why?

Reader: Why I don't want the job that makes your brain explode?

...

Johnny: You might wanna reconsider your rendezvous with the Sorcerer.

Reader: Which one?

Johnny: Oh, you are a bad woman.

...

Reader: Don't be such a baby, it's just a scrap.

Johnny: And I need a hot nurse to patch it up.

Reader: Why do I even… You're impossible.

...

Johnny: You have experience with emotionally fragile men, right?

Reader: You're self-aware today.

Johnny: I was talking about Kung Lao...

...

Reader: Okay, Ninja Priest was actually kinda good.

Johnny: YES! I knew you had a thing for the clergy.

Reader: That's not what I... You're such an ass!

Kung Lao

Reader: Do you think Liu Kang has destined us to become friends?

Kung Lao: Obviously, I'd never choose this for myself.

Reader: He could've made you less of twat...

...

Kung Lao: It's way too dangerous for you to travel Outworld alone.

Reader: I don't need a babysitter, Kung Lao.

Kung Lao: Prove it, then.

...

Reader: If you buy me dinner at Madame Bo's, I'll heal your arm.

Kung Lao: I see your time with Shang Tsung is rubbing off on you.

Reader: See, now I gotta hurt ya.

...

Kung Lao: How does it feel, being in the center of the Snake's attention.

Reader: Fuck you man, I didn't ask for this.

Kung Lao: Not good then.

...

Reader: Come on, I paid for dinner last time.

Kung Lao: I'll be happy to pay... Once you beat me.

Reader: You can be an ass sometimes, you know that?

...

Kung Lao: You know I only meant it as a joke, right?

Reader: Let me show you just how funny I think you are

Kung Lao: Bring it on, Nurse.

Bi-Han

Reader: You betrayed everything your clan stood for.

Bi-Han: You have no moral high-ground here, Healer.

Reader: I don't need it.

...

Bi-Han: Join the Lin Kuei, and unleash your true power.

Reader: Not while they're under your command, traitor.

Bi-Han: Your pride will be your downfall.

...

Reader: I can feel your blood run cold through your body...

Bi-Han: It will boil while I destroy you.

Reader: You'll freeze to death, then.

...

Bi-Han: Your aversion to power is your greatest flaw.

Reader: Should I follow your lead, then, and betray all I love for a promise of greatness?

Bi-Han: Is it wrong to want more?

...

Reader: Maybe I can beat some sense into you…

Bi-Han: I will crush you, little girl.

Reader: Great, a quip about my height, so original.

...

Bi-Han: We meet again, Blood Mage.

Reader: I knew you couldn't stay away, Bi-Han.

Bi-Han: Let's see if your training has progressed.

Erron Black

(am i the only one devastated he wasn't included in mk1?)

Erron: What's a pretty lookin' thing like you doin' in a place like this?

Reader: Holy shit, you even talk like a cowboy!

Erron: …Nevermind.

...

Reader: If I win, I get to wear the hat.

Erron: You'd look mighty fine in it, I'd wager.

Reader: Don't you pull your punches on me now, Black.

...

Erron: There's quite the price on your head, sweetheart.

Reader: And you'll do everything to collect it, right?

Erron: I could be persuaded against it, with the right motivation...

...

Reader: Do you flirt with all your targets?

Erron: Only pretty little ones, like you, girlie.

Reader: Well then, let's dance, Cowboy.

...

Erron: I wouldn't mind giving you a ride around town, little lady.

Reader: I'd rather beat you where you stand.

Erron: Be still, my beating heart.

...

Reader: I know who sent you.

Erron: Someone who's eager to get their hands back on you.

Reader: You can both keep them to yourself.

#mortal kombat x reader #mortal kombat 1 #mosrtal kombat 11 #shang tsung x reader #liu kang #johnny cage #kung lao #bi han #sub zero #erron black #shang tsung #my writing #requested

[daisy-mooon]

My honest opinion on the Percy Jackson show from a neurodivergent PJO stan who has loved the series since childhood, because it doesn't feel like the opinions I'm seeing are actually honest:

How the hell did Disney fumble this show so badly? They had everything. A great cast with loveable characters. Good set design. A book series that spells everything out for them. Rick Riordan himself. Where did they go wrong? The dialogue is janky and jarring. The fight scenes are terrible, and even the part where Clarisse tries to dunk Percy's head in the toilet is just boring. Medusa was good. The acting, whilst it could be more expressive, is good. There's just no energy. I was laughing like an idiot reading the books, but watching the show its like... mild amusement. I say "oh that's funny" and smile and that's it.

Man. It's quiet. It's long. The CGI being bad is something i can live with, but the lighting and colour grading feels offensive. Pacing is miserable and the scenes are arranged badly. It doesn't feel like a story is being told, but things are just happening.

I'm still going to continue to watch it. I'm loving Annabeth. It's definitely a whole lot better than the movies. But man. Going from the amazing adaptation that was The Ballad of Songbirds and Snakes to this is jarring as hell. This is the best show a billion dollar company could make?

5/10. Not actively terrible, just frustrating. My disappointment in this is similiar to that I had of The Marvels, but The Marvels had the absurdity, energy and comedy that this show is just lacking. Where's the weirdness? Where's the fun?

Overall, I'm watching this because I'm a Percy Jackson fan, not because of the quality of the show. I hope it gets better.

#percy jackson #criticism #pjo #pjo tv show #pjo tv series #percy jackson and the olympians #annabeth chase #disney #disney+ #pjo neg #pjotv #pjo tv adaptation #pjotv neg #negative

[makethosenarratorsfight]

UNRELIABLE NARRATORS; THE FINAL FINAL

Shen Qingqiu Propaganda:

The entire series is told from his POV and the story seems like a comedy. The side stories from other characters POVs make the story sound like a tragedy. He thought that Luo Binghe hated him and wanted him dead while everyone else knew that Binghe was in love with him.

the whole book he’s using his OWN interpretation of the world to explain literally everything, not knowing that his introduction into the world changed it so fundamentally that his prior knowledge of it is less than useless. he’s like “binghe is being sweet to me because binghe is sweet to people that wronged him before repaying their slight a thousandfold, and he only adds their acceptance of his sweetness to his tally of their sins!! i have to run away forever or he’ll tear my arms and legs off!!!!!!” and binghe in reality is like “wow the love of my life my beloved shizun is scared of me still :( i should act sweet and nonthreatening so he’s not scared of me :(“ and he literally doesn’t have this corrected until the end of the book. but even when that one thing is corrected he still is like “haha okay but these other six things-“ bro……. cucumber bro………….. you homosexualized the world just accept it

He examines the entire reality he's isekai-ed into as if it's still fictional and his inner monologue ignores any "character trait" of the people around him that doesn't fit into his perception of "canon" despite everything he's done to change reality from the canon of the novel he first read. He routinely mislabels his own emotions as well as making heteronormative assumptions about himself and the people around him before he finally realises he's in reciprocated gay love with a man. It's a book that benefits being read twice, so the second time around you can focus on the implications Shen Qingqiu blatantly misses.

Transmigrates into a novel he “hates,” assumes he’s doing a good job pretending to be the character whose body he got stuck in, assumes other characters will stick to their original paths. Lotta assumptions, lots of rationalizing, lots of incredible feats of misunderstanding/misinterpreting things. His internal narration is also hysterical.

Lemony Snicket Propaganda:

(I would like to preface this by saying that Lemony Snicket is the author's pen name, not a real person, and he exists as a character in-universe as well as being the one in-universe who writes the books!) I'd say he's unreliable because he spent time collecting information about the Baudelaire kids and then... wrote books about it. He has no idea what any of their dialogue actually was, what they were thinking, or even the whole plot, he's just doing research into the incidents and then filling in the gaps to make it a story. What ACTUALLY happened to the Baudelaires? Nobody really knows for sure

While the Baudelaire siblings are in potentially life threatening danger, he will randomly start talking about his own life and just leave the siblings hanging. For example, once Count Olaf was threatening to kill Violet, and then Lemony randomly began talking about how he met the love of his life at a costume party. This man CANNOT stay on topic. Usually when a new character is introduced, Lemony tells us right at the start that they’re either going to die or that the Baudelaire siblings will never see them again. Foreshadowing is not subtle in these books. CONSTANTLY emphasizes how miserable he feels while writing these books. At one point he admits that he had to put his pencil down and go cry for a while because of how sad it made him. Once he filled an entire page with nothing but the word “ever” to emphasize how dangerous it is to put forks in electrical outlets. He also repeated a paragraph about deja vu later on in the book to give the reader deja vu.

#unreliable narrators #final final #polls #unreliable narrator battle #shen qingqiu #sqq #svsss #scum villain #scum villain self saving system #lemony snicket #a series of unfortunate events #asoue #asoue books #asoue netflix

[absolutebl]

Okay, FINE, the shows you should watch for BL's QUEER AF roots

You ready to go hunting?

Many of these are difficult to find. Also many of the images of them and their posters have been block/banned by tumblr, so, no screen grabs for you! (Good times.)

I don't necessarily *like* any of these, but if you are queer and in this fandom and need to dialogue around BL's queerness - these are going to provide a foundation for you. They are important for various industry, reputation, directorial, and cultural reasons. As seeds often are.

Trigger warnings throughout.

The true beginnings:

Boys Love, Japan's 2006 movie is a REALLY rough start featuring a journalist + hot model = murder gay, mild necrophilia, cheating, abuse, rape, and suicide for love. Start as you mean to go on, why don't you, Japan? Is it queer... maybe? Is it BL... honey, I am very sorry to inform you, this started BL.

Note: Yoshikazu Kotani is famous in og BL circles since he acted in 3 early BLs, both Boys Loves and then Same Difference. Also he v tall and hawt.

Eternal Summer, Taiwan 2006 - unlike Japan, Taiwan did NOT start how it would, eventually, go on. But what a messy way to start. A high school story of 3 besties in a love triangle, self discovery, and sexual awakening that fucks it all up.

No Regret, Korea 2006, is a very unhinged queer catastrophe piece about a lost gay man who ends up a host and then almost a murderer because of both his job and his identity.

Note: This is the directorial feature film debut of Lee-Song Hee-il Korea's (so far as I know) first openly gay director who specialized (to this day) in queer content.

The Love of Siam, Thailand 2007, this was Thailand's queer awakening, sure they would backpedal for YEARS after, but in 2022 they began to remember what this movie was (and did) and overtly referenced this quiet little masterpiece. This movie is sad but stunning in that way that the best queer works from Thailand can be (like Present Perfect or ITSAY.) It has Thailand's quintessential softness around theme and character, which you'll understand perfectly when highlighted against the backdrop of the early 2000s works from Japan, Korea, and Taiwan. Thailand will never lose this soft style and it's one of the most attractive qualities of Thai BL: it's never very harsh with us or its characters. This movie very easily COULD have been quite harsh indeed.

I thought long and hard about including Rice Rhapsody AKA Hainan Chicken Rice (Hainan ji fan) on this list and finally decided it doesn't really qualify. Still let me mention Hong Kong's 2005 movie. It is amazing, fascinating, and very rough going for an ostensible comedy. It wasn't the actual beginning because few saw it and Hong Kong never really picked up or ran with BL let alone QL, but it was hella queer. It's also hella homophobic.

Just Friends? (2009 Korea) - this is Korea's first (kinda) upbeat version of a BL featuring already established boyfriends, one of whom is on military leave, trying to decide on coming out, family life, and the future. All of these are themes Korea will pretty much never tackle again, retreating as they would to their bubble. But what a fun little offering this little show was and is to this day. You should watch it.

Like Love 1 AKA I Love You As A Man: Part 1 - China's 2014 offering is actually pretty classic early form live action yaoi with things like whipping boy, a university setting, rich/poor jock/nerd pairing, hard grumpy/sunshine and a very odd title. It's pre-censorship with an HEA, also explicit, yeah China once did that. This is a lot less queer that it is classic BL and classic Chinese romance, neither of which have any kind of connection to reality. But hey, that's what I'm here for. But it's important to note the drifting away from queerness beginning to occur.

Love Sick - Thailand's 2014 "boys in blues shorts" high school set soapy (in all ways) offering is widely considered the true beginning of Thai BL and by default, eventually, BL as we know it today. (As the biggest producer they somewhat dictate taste and trends in the genre.) This is one of those BLs that owes almost nothing to yaoi, although it started a number of tropes that are now endemic to Thai BL. What it is, instead, is a well scripted story of bisexual self-discovery and the inherent chaos of loving someone of the same gender for the first time, all wrapped up in hormones, existing relationships, and communication issues. It is high school queer angst at its messiest. Nothing is going to be easy for these boys because queer isn’t easy but also because life isn’t easy… welcome to adulthood sweethearts. Is is overtly queer? For 2014 Thailand? Sure is.

Love Next Door 2 a movie from 2014 and one of Thailand’s early very high heat pieces, it’s odd, but sexy I guess? Some unexpectedly decent queer rep including femme characters getting screen time + HEAs. (Part one from 2013 has the same high heat content and features the same lead character (and actor) discovering he is gay with the sex worker next door, but isn't as good nor is it relevant to this installment.)

A few other unknowns, for the queer babies

Wait For Me at Udagawachou AKA Udagawachou de Matteteyo - from Japan in 2015, this is a story about two boys in high school one of whom is a repressed outsider and the other who has a terrible secret (body dysmorphia & cross dressing). When the first boy discovers what's up with the second one, his reaction is very much fetishization. "Oh Japan must you?" kinda started for me with this show. But in this case, Japan, weirdly MUST. This is the ONLY show laboring under (and testing) a pointedly straight lens (or is it?) and identity examination (yes but which boys' identity? that's the question) that I've EVER seen even edge into the BL genre. It is crazy queer, even as it mostly focuses on the fetishization of identity from an outsider's perspective. I WISH more people in fandom would watch it so I could at least talk to someone about it.

The Lover (BL Cut) Korea's 2015 series had multiple couples in an apartment complex, one pair of whom is a BL romance between a Korean man and a visiting Japanese tourist (played by a Kpop idol). It's comedic, slapstick sexy only (no kissing), but basically starts up Korea's bubble and use of idols in BL. It's kinda fascinating to watch them dodge around and still represent gayness in what (is sadly destined to become) a very Chinese way, but which Korea in pursuit of Hallyu and market share would morph into the bubble.

Mr. X and I from China in 2015 is a compilation piece and, I think, the first of this kind of multiple narrative shorter grab bags AKA "Sampler Pack BL." Two of the stories are very queerly sad, but the third is CLASSIC BL of the kind that would become China's best (and last) true BL, Addicted.

Sweet Boy, (Thai 2016) Chimon's first gay role and it is quite sad, oddly sexy, and similar to Dew the movie or My Bromance (just so you know what you are in for) but the acting is on point. When Thailand goes dark, this is how they do it, but this is rough going for baby queers because that's the darkness it is exploring. Our old thematic friends: the pain of self discovery and coming out into a homophobic environment and unfriendly reality, and the cost of being the one able (and willing) to stay in the closet.

Method (Korea 2017) this movie is a May/December actor/idol pairing, that should have been everything I wanted in life but is more about the older character cheating on his wife and their weird “artsy” relationship and frankly, I hated it. And I don’t say that lightly. Is it queer? Who tf knows, but is sure has some interesting things to say about the nature of PERFORMATIVE queerness.

Red Balloon is Taiwan's 2017 precursor BL to their biggest and most famous prestige piece Your Name Engraved Herein. If you're making a choice, choose that instead, but this series certainly paved the way for it to come into existence. Both shows tackle the pressures of culture and social structures on self acceptance and identity and the loneliness inevitably caused by conflict between the two.

(As indeed does Life Love On The Line, Present Perfect, Grey Rainbow, Tropical Night, My Sky, and many other queer meets early BL pieces that revolved around coming out and family acceptance.)

China's 3 2017 "they tried to censor the gay... and it went HORRIBLY wrong":

Beloved Enemy,

The Fairy Fox,

Mr. CEO is Falling in Love with Him.

Honestly these 3 are basically the uncanny valley of BLs.

The Novelist AKA The Pornographer series (2018-2020). Messy psychological machinations, gaslighting, fetishization, sexual corruption, and more good times from "well, what did you expect?" Japan, but also no holds barred queer, just well and truly fucked in the head (and arse) about it.

The Cornered Mouse Dreams of Cheese AKA Kyuso wa Chizu no Yume wo Miru (Japan 2020) - Drama llama queers so queer and so dramatic it's like Japan is trying to PROVE something: obsession, cheating, break-up, reunion, then break up again, all of it explicit. This show is just SO JAPANESE. I can't even, but you should watch it and you'll know exactly what I mean. Something like My Personal Weatherman owes it's lineage to this kind of BL. If you like Japan naked, boney, emo, and smoking (hot & ciggy) you will love this, and should watch it. It's objectively amazing, I can't stand it, but I NEED people to talk about it more.

More Queer Stuff about BL from moi

BL Linguistics & Queer Identity - I Am Gay versus I Like Men 

Will BL Get More Honestly Queer? 

Actually gay, not BL gay - the idea of “by queers, for queers, about queers,” the BL bubble, sanitized gay, and a queer lens

Queer lens (from the director) and chemistry (from the actors) in BL (A Tale of Thousand Stars)

Touch & Daisy in Secret Crush On You - Queer Coded Language and 3rd Gender Identity

BL in Taiwan & Gay Marriage

Debating Queerbaiting in BL ( + Devil Judge… is it queerbaiting?) 

BL Actors and the Assumption of Queerness - outing actors, coming out, being out, more:  Is that BL actor actually queer?

So is it really fetishization? straight women loving bl 

Some BL fans are sasaengs, and it’s a problem in this fandom 

BLs That Highlight How Society Treats Queers

10 BLs That Are Honest to a Queer Experience 

If you like these kinds of shows try the "Moody Arthouse Smackdoodle" section of this post too.

Happy watching!

(source)

#bls you don't know about #some of the really obscure ones #QL thoughts #BL and QL and queerness #ABL recommends shows they dislike #it happens a lot you know #thai bl #korean bl #herritage bl #japanese bl #live action yaoi #taiwanese bl #eternal summer #no regret #The Love of Siam #Just Friends? #Like Love #Love Sick #Wait For Me at Udagawachou #Udagawachou de Matteteyo #The Cornered Mouse Dreams of Cheese #Kyuso wa Chizu no Yume wo Miru

[zepskies]

Hey! Just wondering if you could suggest some romantic/rom-com movies💖

Have a great day❤️🌼

Oh my goodness, I certainly can!! Thank you, bby! 💖💖

10 of my favorite romantic comedies:

(In no particular order.)

1. 10 Things I Hate About You

An absolute perfect movie. Dialogue, casting, story, romance, Heath Ledger, Shakespeare references, what more could a literary inclined girl want?

2. A Cinderella Story

Another gift from the early 2000s. Is it cheesy? Sometimes. Is it adorable? Absolutely.

3. He's Just Not That Into You

Hilarious, sometimes heartbreaking, ensemble cast, but the endings for each couple are undoubtedly satisfying. Plus, my favorite rewind moment of all time:

4. Crazy, Stupid Love

Ryan Gosling, Emma Stone, Steve Carrell, Josh Groban cameo. Need I say more? (But it will also unexpectedly grip your heart with profound, tender moments.)

5. While You Were Sleeping

One of my favorite Sandra Bullock rom coms, of which there are many. (Honorary mentions: The Proposal, Practical Magic, Two Weeks Notice, and Miss Congeniality, though it's not really a rom com is one of my favorite movies in existence.)

6. You've Got Mail

A classic of classics in rom com history. Meg Ryan at her best, Tom Hanks at his. She's a small, independent bookstore owner. He's essentially Barnes & Noble, coming in to disrupt New York with corporate America.

7. Mrs. Winterbourne

A forgotten '90s Brendan Fraser must-see movie. He's the "rich playboy" type, she's scrappy and resourceful, pregnant by her deadbeat ex-boyfriend, and pretending to be the widow of Fraser's twin brother, who recently died in a train accident.

8. Crazy Rich Asians

Based on a book, top-tier casting, bad ass mother-in-law, bad ass heroine, a classy, handsome, Good Man™️ hero? Sign me TF up.

9. 13 Going on 30

Easily Jennifer Garner's best movie, but also Mark freakin' Ruffalo. They're adorable together, and this one's a classic in its own right, full of heart, back-stabbing bitches, and 80s music references.

10. My Big Fat Greek Wedding

It's one of the best, folks. Also one of the most quotable movies in movie history lol. As a kid, I remember really identifying with Toula, who feels too plain, too big, too "frump girl."

But Ian never saw her that way. He genuinely laughs at her jokes. He's patient with her and sees her beauty, inside and out. He also deals with a lot of crap from her family in order to be with her, with all the grace and gentlemanly poise a guy could have.

And Toula learns to love herself, fall in love for the first time, and challenges every expectation of her family to do so.

I have many, many more, but these are just a few of my favorites. What's yours?

Don't see it on this list? Drop it in the comments! 💋

#ask me stuff #romantic comedies #my favorites #rom com recs #rom coms #10 things i hate about you #cinderella story #he's just not that into you #crazy stupid love #while you were sleeping #you've got mail #mrs. winterbourne #crazy rich asians #13 going on 30 #my big fat greek wedding #what's your favorite rom com? #zepskies answers

[carlyraejepsans]

As a canon sans fanatic, man,I JUST LOVE HOW YOU WRITE SANS! I want to write sans as faithful to the canon like you one day, so you have some tip or something to master the art of writing sans undertale as accurated as possible?

make a file with all of his lines. the undertale text dump is your best friend. select all, copy, open a new document, paste it in. the deltarune one is a bit trickier because it's not formatted as tidily but it's there too. as for the rest, you're on your own. alarm clock winter dialogue, casino dialogue, crosstitch book, Q&A. all of it. snoop around. and then format it into looking normal. this means removing all the asterisks and putting it all back into chronological order because the dialogue dump is a bit all over the place. i used to be annoyed about it, but honestly it was a good excuse to look at the dialogue more. i already have a fully formatted doc but... not gonna share it with ya. half the benefit comes from having to read it so many times yourself while putting it together. actually, this is a practice I'd recommend to learn the voice for any UT character

you are going to treasure this file. consult it constantly. now, make ANOTHER file, open them side by side, and start jotting down shit. sentence length, structure, vocal tics, any pattern you can spot. look at what makes him tick. for the more, uhhh, mathematical side of the analysis, sometimes i plug bits and pieces of it in prowritingaid. the free plan does 500 words per session. it rules.

i am not kidding, are you writing in his voice? then consult that file constantly. if a specific term feels weird, look if he's said it before in canon. if he hasn't, look for a synonym (or shortened version). if he doesn't have that, either reword your bit, look for phrases where he says basically the same thing but with a different structure, or just say fuck it and leave it in anyway. hey, I'm not your babysitter

undertale is a comedy and sans is a comedic character. his comedic role is as crucial to his persona as his speech pattern is. sure you can make him be funny, but is he being funny in a way that fits his role?

continuing off the previous point: sans is a "born lucky" character. a jester. a troll. in a comedic context, this means he's always landing on his feet. this man's got the rules of comedy wrapped around his fingers so tight you'd figure they owe him money. one does not simply "dunk" on sans undertale. either the situation isn't goin to arise full stop, or you're going to get your ass handed back to you with "some king" written on it in magic marker, or he's going to roll with the punch. people don't laugh AT sans, they laugh WITH him.

do you however require him to eat shit for story purposes? alright. like i said, roll with the punches. if he can't turn the situation around in his favor, he's going to brush it off with humor and nonchalance. relegate the shit eating to the machinations of his inner monologue

so! you managed to get all the way here with a reasonably canon sounding sans and now you're finally at that emotional scene you wanted to write for so long! how exciting! dial it back. it's too emotional. "but i already d-" nope. trust me, I'm guilty of this too. artists and writers love melodrama, but whatever you're thinking is too showy for him. so dial it back again for good measure.

"but what if i insult his brother to his face-" you can do that in-game, he tells you sarcasm isn't funny, says a nice thing about him, then moves on like nothing happened

"but what if i killed his brother-" you also do that. in the game. he leaves. hauls ass immediately, drops off the face of the earth, takes a memento with him and then he's Gone. his meetings with him afterwards are brief, sterile and resentful, but he doesn't explode or anything

continuing once again, Angry Sans Does Not Yell. there's a whole fandom subgroup dedicated to making him a big burly roaring axe-weilding cannon blazing killing machine. this is very cheap. sans is an example of one of the most impactful uses of audio design in undertale, and it's when it cuts out entirely as he begins to speak. sans is terrifying because he's quiet.

there's only one occasion where he raises his voice and acts intimidating in a more stereotypically tough guy way, and that's in the second part of his fight. you know, when he's getting tired by the minute, his trap already failed and he's not so metaphorically feeling the hounds of hell yapping at his bony heels. he's panicking, and it takes him a LOT to get there, so if it happens in your story don't throw it out there all willy nilly.

likewise, long gone are the days of teary eyed sans clutching papyrus' scarf, vowing to revenge his death and bring you to justice to protec-wait a second this is undyne. anyway, those days are gone and thank god for that. sans is inherently conflict avoidant, in a very similar way to papyrus. but most of all he's private: with his emotions, with his grief, with his backstory, with his trauma. sans faced with something devastating, or depressing or just plain hopeless doesn't beat his chest like a woman in some trashy romance novel. he shuts down. he leaves as soon as he can..

now, sometimes you're writing a story and you kinda NEED him to eat shit. or become emotional when confronted with something, or get him flustered cuz he's in love, or cry or get angry or snap, etc etc. for plot purposes! that's completely fine. not everything has to follow undertale's criteria. but, if you want to keep it feeling authentic, try to keep it mind that this condition is NOT standard for him. this is uncharted territory. it's the exception that confirms the rule, not the new average (think eggs husband joke in dr), and thus you're going to need to justify it in the face of the story. give him a reason to get to that point. build it up slowly and carefully. too much and you break the character. if you're doing a backstory for him, maybe before he was as cynical as he is today, you might have a bit more breathing room, but you're gonna have to work backwards to explain How He Got Here, both morally and personality-wise

this response is already colossally long so I'm gonna close it here. it's pretty late now in my country and I don't know if any of it is coherent, but i hope it helped you at least a little. night night!!

#undertale #sans #answered asks

[blinkpen]

wait hold up did everyone suddenly become OK with saying anything about Heckuva Badshow that isn't completely unearned praise/did everyone only start mocking viv's mind-numbingly juvenile writing style WHILE I WAS GONE???

you bastards

i have a STOCKPILE of burns i thought i'd never get to use because too many people were still willing to roleplay as mr burns' hounds on her behalf or simply report back to base camp so she could scream SICCEM before insisting she is but a tender wee lamb who needs protection from The Haters while turning on her white woman tears and calling her connections demanding they not give someone a job bc they didn't laugh when she spent an entire workday following them around going PENIS! PENIS! PENIS! FUCK! SEX! PENIS! ASS! FUCK! PENIS! HAHAHAHA! GET IT? PENIS, the FUCK ORGAN, lol, PENIS EXIST! REMEMBER? IT'S FUNNY BECAUSE PENIS! You know, like in Sausage Party? the best comedy film ever made? the one i made a nazi oc for? wait what huh who said that was it the wind shut up anyway PENIS PENIS PENIS Poor Person Supremacists Are Real and Just As Bad As Bad as Aristocrats Who Strangle Their......... Indentured Servants Bc Their Wife Is Being Bitchy PENIS PENIS PENIS COCK WANG DICK SCHLONG WILLY WANG WONG WOMEN ARE STUPID WHOOOOOOORES AND FAT PEOPLE ARE DISGUUUUUSTING! LOSE WEIGHT OR YOU ARE GROSS! THE BAD KIND OF GROSS, UNLIKE THE GOOD GROSS OF SKINNY CIS DICK DICK PENIS PENIS HORSE WEINER SEMEN! YAOI YAOI YAHOOOOOOO oohhMy Cartoon Dad is Sooooo Sad..... so sad, he is like Bojack, only instead of Herb being a total bitch, he and everyone else magically instantly forgives MY bojack without him even giving a proper apology, so he's like, an IMPROVED Bojack, that's how good MY writing is..... so good... so genius... genius like Penius... maverick, more like... maver-dick.... yeah that's it... i'm such a shakeup in the world of Mature Dialogue... Cocktopus... Lesbian Named Vagina.... Clittorissa clit slit penis jizzlord squirt.... oh man Look at my Sad Cartoon Dad Again... Look How Sad he is... Please Say You Want to Fuck Him... Please Fuck My Cartoon Dad.... While I Watch... Let Me Watch You Fuck My Cartoon Dad..... With Your PENIS! LOL! PENIS PENIS PENIS PEE-

hey yeah okay this is turning into a rough draft of bit in and of itself already huh i should stop and dig out the Good Stuff vs just doing a bad viv impression that still manages to be funnier than an entire season plus of scripts combined

#her writing style is just too easy to mock once you start its VERY hard to stop #because yknow. it's easy. it's easy to do it. because the OG writing itself is easy. it's lazily written and therefore can be lazily aped. #if you didn't want this style of critique to happen you shoulda come up with at least One joke distinct enough to be Worth Quoting #you know like come up with a single bit so good it can then have its goodness ruined by overexposure as people parrot it exactly ad nauseum #instead of 'nearly every manifestation of comedy is just a variation of throwing fuckwords in randomly so that's all i have to do' #that's why any additional effort becomes noticeable gravy on this bed of under-cooked half-mashed potatoes #almost like there is learned craft to writing and she shoulda absorbed some instead of deciding she was too good to benefit from feedback #oop

[theyhavetakenovermylife]

Movie Marathon (Fluff)

2003!Michelangelo x reader

A/N: I’ve just started watching the 2003 TMNT again, and it is as amazing as I remembered it🧡

Warnings: None, other than the spelling google docs didn't catch.

—------------------------------------------------

The lair was unusually quiet that evening. Michelangelo and (Y/N) found themselves alone, the rest of the turtles and Master Splinter had gone off to their rooms, to do whatever they had decided to do. And that worked amazingly with the plans you and Michelangelo had for the evening. The two of you had decided to have a movie marathon, where you would watch all of your favorites. It was something the two of you would do quite often, and that you both enjoyed. Except when Mikey had certain ideas about what movies you should watch.

“Mikey! I don’t want to watch another horror movie”, you yelled as you saw the DVD in your green best friend’s three fingered hand.

“Aw! Come on (Y/N)! This one is really good!”, your orange clad friend exclaimed, holding “Lovers Lane Blood Massacre 2: Revenge of the Hook Hand Man” up for you so you could see the movie cover.

“I said no Mikey! I don’t want to watch another horror movie. Especially not what happened after last time!”

You did not need to remind Mikey of what happened the last time, when you watched “Lovers Lane Blood Massacre 1: Hook Hand Man Awakens”. You couldn’t sleep for two weeks without at least one of the turtles standing guard in your living room - which usually would be Mikey.

“Aw shell”, Mikey sighed, throwing the DVD back into his collection. “You’re probably right about that”.

“Probably? No Mikey, I am always right”.

“Oh, how could I forget!?”, Mikey said in a teasing tone, slapping his forehead dramatically. “The lady is always right! Excuse my forgetfulness”.

“The lady has forgiven you”, you laughed, as Mikey started to dramatically ask for forgiveness.

“Great”, Mikey said, placing a hand over his heart. “I can breathe calmly again. Then what would you like to watch?”

“Anything else Mikester, just not horror movies”.

"Ooh, so we're talking all the classics then! Action, comedy, maybe even a little romance," Michelangelo replied with a mischievous twinkle in his eye, his hands rubbing together.

“See, that I’m into!”, you smiled. “Bring me your best Mikey Man!”

And with that they two of you settled in the cozy couch of the lair, surrounded by an assortment of snacks from the kitchen and a stack of DVDs. The first movie kicked off, and as the night progressed, laughter and banter filled the air. It was a good old comedy. The comfortable silence between lines of dialogue spoke volumes about the easy friendship you two shared.

As the movie went on, you couldn’t help but laugh at the bad jokes. And each time you laugh, Mikey found his attention being drawn towards you more than the movie. For the longest time, Mikey had found himself captivated by your face whenever you laughed. The way your eyes would narrow and your lips widen, showing off where your dimples would be. It was a sight to behold, and Mikey enjoyed it everytime. He often found himself doing crazy things, just to make you laugh. He even loved the way it sounded. And nothing made him prouder, than knowing he was the one causing that smile.

As the credits rolled on the third movie of the night, Michelangelo turned to you with a grin. "That one was epic! Who knew movie marathons could be so much fun, right?"

You nodded, a smile playing on your lips. "Absolutely, Mikester. Thanks for the awesome idea."

The lair dimmed, the only light coming from the soft glow of the TV screen, as names rolled from the bottom and up. A quiet moment hung in the air as Michelangelo hesitated, glancing at you with a hint of vulnerability.

"Hey, (Y/N)," he began, his voice softer than usual. You noticed how he started fidgeting with the padding on his knee. "You know, I really enjoy spending time with you. You're like the best friend anyone could ask for".

You felt your heart skip a beat, a warmth spreading through you. "Mikey, you're an amazing friend too. I'm really grateful for our adventures and all the laughter we share".

Michelangelo's gaze lingered, and a moment of unspoken understanding passed between them. In the dim light, you could see a mixture of emotions flickering in his eyes - a depth that transcended the goofy exterior he often displayed. It was rare that you got to see Michelangelo like this. He wasn’t really comfortable with being too serious. But when he had to, you were one of the few people he could do it around.

"Actually", Mikey continued, scratching the back of his head. "There's something else I've been wanting to say. It's just, um, kinda hard to put into words".

You felt a flutter of anticipation, your own emotions mirroring Michelangelo's. "Mikey, you can tell me anything. We're friends, right?"

He took a deep breath, his eyes locking onto yours. "Yeah, we're friends. But, you see, I... I think I might feel something more. Like, something beyond friendship, you know?"

The confession hung in the air, and for a moment, time seemed to stand still. You processed the words, and a smile crept onto your face, causing Mikey’s heart to skip a beat. "Mikey, I think I might feel the same way".

A weight lifted from Michelangelo's shoulders, replaced by an exhilarating warmth. The air buzzed with a newfound energy as the realization settled in.

"Really?" he asked, a mixture of surprise and joy in his voice.

"Really", you confirmed, reaching out to gently squeeze his hand. "Would you like to turn our movie marathon into date night?"

Michelangelo grinned, his eyes sparkling with happiness. "Totally! Best movie night ever!"

Mikey started another movie, before returning to the couch, placing an arm around you. To no one’s surprise, it was a romance. And as the main title started rolling, Mikey couldn’t help a certain thought from sneaking its way into his head. He had had that thought several times before, but now it finally seemed like it could become reality.

“Hey, (Y/N)?” His heart was beating in his chest. You could feel it through his plastron.

“Yeah, Mikey?”

“Can I… Uhm… Can I kiss you?”

You looked down trying to hide your blush. Mikey saw it and felt like he was about to pass out. You were blushing at the thought of kissing him?

“Yes you can, Mikey”.

Mikey was nervous when he finally let his lips press against yours. It was a soft and tender kiss. Mikey’s first kiss. You couldn’t help but laugh when you pulled back and saw him smile like an idiot. Damn he was adorable.

The rest of the night you and Mikey would hold each other tight, and exchange small kisses every now and then, all while watching the rest of the movies you had planned for the night.

#tmnt #teenage mutant ninja turtles #tmnt michelangelo #tmnt x y/n #tmnt x reader #tmnt x you #tmnt donatello #tmnt leonardo #tmnt raphael #tmnt raph #tmnt 2003 #tmnt michelangelo x reader #tmnt mikey #tmnt mikey x reader #tmnt donnie #tmnt leo #tmnt splinter #tmnt 2003 mikey #tmnt 2003 leo #tmnt 2003 raph #leo tmnt #mikey x reader #mikey tmnt #raph #splinter #donnie #mikey 2003 #tmnt 2003 x reader #tmnt 2003 michelangelo #tmnt 2003 donatello

[caleb-pilot]

welcome to caleb's corner ✈️

disclaimer: this is a gimmick independent roleplay blog for the love and deepspace side character caleb. this is just for fun and all rights go to the rightful owners/game developers.

telekinetic fighter pilot who is busy flying in skyhaven. i always have time to visit you, my childhood best friend, though 💕

rules before interacting:

admin is 21+ so nsfw and suggestive asks are allowed. they will be tagged accordingly. please feel free to block the following for your own safety #cw suggestive & #cw explicit. other heavier topics will be tagged with cw as well — for example, #cw alcohol.

it should go without saying, but PLEASE do not send nsfw asks if you are not 18 years or older. anon asks are a privilege, NOT a right. if you’re caught, you will be blocked & anon will be turned off. this is out of respect for others engaging in the role play. thank you.

feedback and suggestions are welcome. bare with me... he has so little lore to go off of. this is my best interpretation of his character! obviously this is canon-adjacent given what occurs in chapter 4.

i will default to using they/them pronouns, unless otherwise indicated in your ask. please let me know if you have any preferences for pet names. i tend to use a mix of masculine (dude, man, bro), gender neutral (love, angel, darling) and feminine (babe, sugar).

dialogue will be in plain orange text and asks will use the tag #from the cockpit

the admin will use the #caleb's on a layover tag for general announcements

#in flight entertainment is a tag used for caleb’s playlist & other associated media

the tag #caleb posting is for reblog responses

the tag #caleb's head in the clouds will be used for posts that are deemed "in-character" (aesthetic, comedy, etc)

be respectful with interacting. there is a person behind this blog. any expression of hate will result in an immediate block.

i jump around when answering asks, because sometimes responses to certain ones come faster than others. if yours gets deleted — either tumblr ate it or i could not think of a good response in-character.

taken anons; 🤍 // 🌌 // 🪩 // 💫 // 🎐 // 🌷 // 🧋// 🐸 // 👑 // 🦄 // ❄️ // 🌸 // 🍒 // 🐇 // 🦇 // 💋

other love and deepspace sweethearts:

Rafayel's Blog -> @rafayel-fishie 🐟

My Boyfriend’s Blog -> @zayne-snowman ☃️

Xavier’s Blog -> @xavier-starlight 🪐

Jeremiah's Blog -> @jeremiahofphilo 🌻

Tara's Blog -> @taraandtarot 🍷

Thomas's Blog -> @thomasicism 🎨

Astra's Blog -> @sasstras-gaze 🪬

MC's Blog -> @aethercodeevol ❤️‍🩹

Jenna's Blog -> @unicorns-captain 🫡

Dr. Greyson -> @drgreysonmd 🥼

#pinned post #please like so i know you've read the rules! #dividers by saradika-graphics #Spotify

[thesherrinfordfacility]

✨ episode 1/2 - running commentary✨

- ok so im slightly disappointed that it's the eps i watched in the screening BUT IM DETERMINED TO LOVE IT ANYWAY SO WE REMAIN OPTIMISTIC AND WE MOVE~~

- angel crowley is so young and innocent my poor boy he's been through so much

- like now im watching it, it feels like putting it in a cinema was a Bad Choice and maybe that's why I didn't like it??? it feels way more authentic and cosy on tv

- im sorry but crowley sounds like such an old man in the park scene, "frozen peas... it's good for them too🙂"

- seriously this is so much more palatable on tv format i can't get over it

- OH MAGGIE I LOVE YOU

- aziraphale god bless ur little cotton socks

- god crowley's legs got me SWEATIN

- ugh crowleys hand in the cafe is so FRUITY

- lmao "purely selfish action" aziraphale is so self aware and I love it

- no im sorry but goob is the fucking star of the show you cannot change my mind but dialogue and delivery wise he is currently CARRYING

- Dartmoor mention had me creasing, that's literally on my doorstep

- aziraphale's bitchy ass face then he sits down in the backroom honestly watered my crops and healed nature

- okay im sorry but the dialogue is still a little off for me I won't lie💀

- beelzebub's accent is just 😘👌 perfect, but equally feel like they'd be perfect in a production of oliver

- god believe me i feel for nina but... I... do not like her, and they are NOT suited for each other at all

- I LEARNT MY PASSION IN THE GOOD OLD FASHIONED SCHOOL OF LOVER BOYS

- that dance is so low effort I'm sorry it should have been the macarena or cha cha slide

- crowley's bow tho is so hot he's so graceful he looks like a swan

- and yeah the refs to the other years that aziraphale did the dance is GIVING ME HEART PALPITATIONS ugh

- he and goob are like cats on a hot tin roof like IMMEDIATE hissing vibes

- lmao ok so that episode does end there then... such a weird ending im sorry but yeah let's fully retract the alternate episode theory (but @prime you need to hire me for s3 just a thought bc 👀)

- anyway ep2 I'm sorry but the angelic herald speech thing is cute and funny but also so cringe hmmm

- gabriel is lord farquaad ugh

- I HAVE TO REMEMBER THIS IS A COMEDY UGH but i miss the slightly serious undertones in s1 sob god I hope they come back later on

- UGH THE TURTLENECK🥵🥵🥵🥵🥵

- shax is mommy I don't make the rules

- I noted it in the screening but angel wings for earrings, Maggie????

- nice job on the lie aziraphale well done once again making excellent choices you're so smart and valid (utter moron)

- "SOUNDS A BIT UNLIKELY" LMAO GET FUCKED CROWLEY

- oh goob you really are going through it my bby I love u

- crowley's face after may god forgive you KILLS ME this scene is honestly the stand out one in both ep1 and ep2 if you ask me

- TY TY TY god bless u but you also make me so uncomfortable

- jobs youngest kid truly gives me life

- lmao the fact that aziraphale does actually recognise when crowley tempts him is hilarious tho bc he just conveniently disregards it by the bench scene in s1 hmmm character development or character regression WHO KNOWS

- ok no I'm sorry but the mukbang scene is so unnecessary and uncomfortable

- "whack the kids" honestly the best line of this scene imo, but upon reflection and rewatching it, crowley's demeanour is rather heartbreaking whilst he's reclined getting ratted

- FRANCES FRANCES FRANCES ✨💓

- 'but just to be able to ask the question' UGH CROWLEY STOP

- lmao shoemaking and obstetrics what a combo god bless

- THEY CAN ARRIVE AT ANY SIZE lmao and Michael is too sharp for their own good... but I do hate that gabriel is utterly inept, he came across as cruel and calculating if a little ignorant in s1 but not this comedically stupid

- "yes I bloody am" TY MY LOVE

- Michael sheen and David Tennant deserve nominations for the children swap scene alone, imo the strongest bit of acting in the ep im sorry 'you have my word as an angel' KILL ME

- why is nina obsessed with crowley, like I get it babes but also why

- THEY ARE SO MARRIED MT PARTNER AND I ARGUE OVER THE CAR ALWAYS "our car" LMAO 💀💀💀

- ✨✨✨IT WAS A NICE DAY, ALL THE DAYS HAD BEEN NICE✨✨✨

- ok the rock scene is so much more emotional on tv, so much better

OKAY RIGHT EP3 LETS HAVE ITTTTT

#good omens #good omens season 2 #go2 commentary #good omens spoilers #good omens 2 spoilers #not a shitpost but its good omens babyyyy #edit: it unnerves me that neil liked this cesspit of inner monologue but similarly the man's a madlad and cannot be contained #go off i guess

[inbarfink]

Alrighty, friends, it’s time for a lil project I’ve been working on for a while now. It’s time for…

MY VERY BIG ZIM VS. DIB SCOREBOARD

I am going to go through all of the (finished) episodes of Invader Zim that feature both Zim and Dib (at least two lines of dialogue from each, so that I won’t have to worry about weird edge-cases like “Bestest Friends” or “Abducted”) and count which of these two won at that specific confrontation/misadventure. Each episode is worth a point, a two-parter is worth two points (since they tend to be higher-stakes). 

I will give them both a point if they both equally won and I won’t give any points at all if they both lost… but I am only going to use it in true tie/no win situations. Most ‘Zim vs Dib’ episodes have some elements of both of them losing on some level. If only because their main goals - conquer the planet and unmask Zim to the world - can never actually happen without breaking the status-quo of the show. So I am going to do my best to judge, like, their goals for that specific episode, and how humiliated and/or hurt they got, or at least which one of them lost the least at any given episode.

I will also be judging the win/lose situation while taking the conclusion of the episode at face value. Because Invader Zim loves its implausible snapbacks where a character dies or ends up at a seemingly-impossible cliffhanger situation at the end of an episode - and then the next one starts with everything back to normal again. After some deliberation, I decided to still take into account obviously-not-going-to-remain-in-continuity losses as losses. So if Dib fucking dies at the end of an episode, that would still be a Victory for Zim, even if obviously he would be back in the next episode. 

Okay, so let’s start! With the start!

"The Nightmare Begins"

This one is pretty clear cut. Zim wasn’t even trying to take over the world yet, just to blend in. And he pretty much succeeded in that goal, while Dib failed to capture him and lost the ‘Alien Sleep Cuffs’ in the process. 

I was maybe considering if Zim's little ‘MY SPINE!’ right as the episode ended could change the score. But I think this is just a minor-yet-painful injury, rather than an Implied-Reset-Comedy-Death. And I think for both of them this matters less than Zim successfully or unsuccessfully fulfilling his missions. 

So the first two points (since this is a double-length) go to Zim!

"Nanozim"

So here we have our first classic Mutually Assured Failure situation with these two. They both failed in their overarching goals in that episode. Dib lost those pictures of Zim for good, and Zim failed to rid himself of Dib for good. Buuut, I think Zim got a lot more Physical Pain 

And got a lot more thoroughly humiliated in his defeat

So I am counting this as a point for Dib!

"Parent Teacher Night"

Yet another episode where Zim is only concerned with maintaining his cover. Since this is preserving the status quo of the show, I think they’ll inevitably skew in his favor. While stuff got kinda hectic and embarrassing for Zim a couple of times, he did successfully convince everyone that the Robo-Parents are his parents.

And Dib got in trouble for throwing punch.

So this point goes to Zim!

"Dark Harvest"

Zim got away with every horrible disgusting thing he did in this episode, successfully maintained his cover and

Yeah, point to Zim.

"The Wettening"

At first I thought this was going to be a point for Zim since he pretty much unambiguously won that water balloon fight.

But that’s where my ‘take the endings of the episode at face value’ rule comes into play, because Zim drowned in his toilet and died at the end of the episode!

Zim: Help! My head is stuck! GIR! Help! I can't breathe, I…

So for literally being the Last Man Standing in the conflict, Dib technically wins this round!

"Career Day"

More Mutually Assured Defeat!

Dib thoroughly failed to demonstrate to Bill that Zim is an alien, but while Zim successfully maintained his cover - he still got fired from McMeaties, which torpedoed his then-current world-domination schemes.

Zim: 8 billion! That is more than the entire population! And they all serve McMeatie? If I rule McMeaties… I rule the world!

(I mean obviously that wouldn’t have actually worked but.... to be honest, I suspect that even if Dib did get Bill to personally witness Zim’s molt it wouldn’t have helped him either. They were both kinda running fool’s errands in that episode, I think. Dib’s self-delusion was just more subtle.)

I mulled over it for a while, and I decided this is probably our first true ‘No Points Either Way’ Episode! Congratulations, boys, you both lost!

"Planet Jackers"

Zim fully achieved the goal he was working towards in this episode - rescuing the Earth from the Planet Jackers. While this is technically something Dib would’ve also wanted if only he had believed Zim, I am not going to give Dib any points - because Dib basically missed out on the ego-boost he gets every time he successfully defends the Earth. 

Plus, the Moon crashing into the Earth at the end there is probably not something Zim would be worried about - who cares if a few million humans die as long as the planet’s still here for him to conquer! But it might bother Dib a little bit. You know if he was aware of it.

"Rise of the Zitboy"

Zim successfully got the information he needed to improve his security system, while Dib was left without the blindspot he planned on using and he needed to clean up all of the disgusting alien pus all on his own. The point goes to Zim. 

"Bad, Bad Rubber Piggy"

Look, yeah, Dib did get beat up by the Lawn Gnomes by the end of that episode. And I’m sure that hurts. But you know what I bet probably hurt more?

Having your brain teleported out of your body!

PAK or no, I think that warrants counting Dib as having lost the Least in that episode, and so the point goes to him!

"A Room With a Moose"

While it was a tad humiliating, Dib did still manage to successfully save the lives of himself and his classmates. I mean, even Zim knows that he lost. Which is not that common for him.

Zim: No! The moose has failed me!

So that’s another point to Dib!

"Hamstergeddon"

While Zim’s evil scheme did not go as he planned, it did still cause a lot of death and destruction for the human race - which he is always in favor of. He managed to get rid of Ultra-Peepi before he actually caused damage to his base and got away with everything scot-free. And while Dib also wanted Ultra-Peepi gone, he did also get humiliated and ignored and placed in the Crazy Bucket. Point goes to Zim.

"Bloaty's Pizza Hog"

Gaz: There, see, you won. Eat your pizza.

Can’t argue with that logic! Point to Dib!

"Door to Door"

So while Zim technically won the fundraiser, it is important to remember what Dib’s actual goals were for competing with Zim in the fundraiser to begin with.

Dib: The only reason I'm selling this dirt in a wrapper is to watch you fail at something else, Zim!

The only reason that he wanted to win, is because he wanted to see Zim get humiliated. And he surely got his wish by the way the episode ended.

Plus he got that handy box of [Adhesive Medical Strips]! Point to Dib!

"Bolognius Maximus"

Both lost, zero points each.

"Battle of the Planets"

Okay, so we have a classic example of the ‘Dib foils Zim’s attempts to take over the world, Zim foils Dib’s attempt to expose him’ runaround, but I think in this context - with Zim sustaining a lot more physical injuries - 

And Dib actually getting to meet an ally in this episode - 

That this is a victory for Dib! A two-point victory for a two-parter!

"Halloween Spectacular of Spooky Doom"

While the two were basically working towards the same overall goal in that episode despite their constant double-crosses (get back home safely, foil the Halloweenies’ invasion plan) and those two goals were achieved by the end…

Zim still ended that adventure with a broken skeleton (according to himself)

Zim: As soon as my skeleton stops being broken, I'm going to destroy you, Dib.

While Dib ended up seemingly totally unharmed and with a lollipop for his troubles! Two more points to Dib!

"Mysterious Mysteries"

Zim successfully maintained his cover, got Dib publicly humiliated on national television and made even LESS likely that Dib will ever be invited on MM ever again. Point goes to Zim!

"Future Dib"

Well, Dib did at least successfully foil Zim’s plan to basically destroy all life on Earth. Buuut… he ends that episode still captured, with Gaz not really giving a shit about saving him, and implicitly tormented by a monkey for Zim’s amusement for the rest of his natural life. 

Obviously that gets reset by the next episode but like I said, I’m not taking those into account. The point goes to Zim!

"Walk For Your Lives"

Well, Zim’s plan succeeded… but that just means that he failed. His actual goal was to impress the Tallests for Probing Day and obviously he did not manage to do that at all.

And Dib also failed since he was trying to warn others and stop Zim. And… I think the implication at the end of the episode is that he probably died, with "you jerk!" as his last words. While Zim is burned, but alive and well. So… Zim does still win this one by default! Truly Zim’s most incredible talent is being able to pull a technical victory out of the most thoroughly embarrassing situations. 

"Megadoomer"

Yet another Mutually Assured Failure. Zim failed to kill Dib again, Dib failed to expose Zim again. They both lost the devices they were planning to use to achieve this goal (the Megadoomer exploded and Dib lost his camera to a random bird) and yet they still both claimed victory.

But thinking about the little details… While Dib ‘liked that camera’ it is probably a bit more replaceable than the Megadoomer was. And Dib was at least physically unharmed through that whole encounter, while Zim got crushed by a giant hunk of metal. So the point goes to Dib!

"Lice"

Well, Dib was pretty embarrassed to discover that the Lice Queen was real and he was forced to admit he was wrong and apologize…. But Zim got gruesomely skinned alive

AND as an added bonus, his pain is only going to lead to humanity being better equipped to deal with the lice menace. Which obviously he’d hate. Point to Dib for Suffering Less in that episode!

"Dib's Wonderful Life of Doom"

At first, I kinda debated what to do about this episode. Because while it’s true that Zim accomplished the goal he was trying to achieve in that episode and Dib seems to feel pretty humiliated at the end of the whole ordeal…

There’s no doubt that this whole scheme was an extremely flagrant misuse of resources and - since we know that at the very least the Meekrob’s planet exist and that the fact about the Massive’s side pods is accurate

Dib: The Massive; the armada capital ship. The side pods are filled with snacks. It's their weak spot.

Lard Nar: Ahem, well… If we can just knock a hole in one of the side storage pods, we can steal the snacks that fall out to feed the growing resistance.

Zim actually revealed to Dib some actual dangerous tactical information about the Irken Empire’s weaknesses. 

However, I mulled that over and I decided that

If I were to penalize Zim every time his scheme is a stupid/humiliating misuse of resources then this actually applies to almost every Zim vs. Dib episode actually. The question is whatever or not Zim accomplished his goals, rather than if there was a more practical way to accomplish them because the answer to that second question is pretty much always ‘yes’

The fact Dib has technically gotten some useful tactical information from that little simulation has literally never come up again in the actual Invader ZIm canon. As far as we know, he just literally forgot to write it down and now he has no idea.

So yeah, that point still goes to Zim. Even if by a very small margin.

"Tak: The Hideous New Girl"

I was considering making this our first ‘both of them get a point!’ (or well, two points, since this is a double-length episode) since they were both working towards the same goal of protecting the Earth from Tak and they both succeeded!

But… I think I am actually going to give these points to Dib, because Zim only managed to preserve his Status Quo. Dib actually made progress. Between finally getting a good look at Zim’s base, and getting some more info on the Empire

Dib: Your leaders are just taller than everyone else?

And, of course, getting one fun little gift at the end.

"Backseat Drivers From Beyond the Stars"

The entire gimmick of this episode is Zim having just so many things to worry about at once. He’s got this new Brain Parasite scheme, and he’s trying to bring the Tallests to Earth to check it out, and he’s trying to wrangle up the Robo-Parents and maintain his cover. And by the end of the episode, he only really succeeded in ‘maintaining his cover’ and even that just by the technicality that most Humans in this world are just so stupid and apathetic that he just shouldn’t have bothered probably. By the end of the episode the Robo-Parents are still running wild, his Brain Parasite plan has gone to hell and his plans for the Massive have gone wrong in every possible way.

Now, Dib has also suffered some losses in this episode - the spy-bug in Zim’s base got disabled and the activation of Tak’s Personality in her ship is obviously a huge drawback to that whole plan of repairing it and making it his own. Buuut… at least he didn’t get his brain eaten. So I think he at least won this round. Two more points to Dib!

"Mortos Der Soul Stealer"

While Zim got himself Touched by a Smelly Human and lost a few of his genetically-engineered rodents - the implication seems to be that he has more and this is at best a minor setback to his plan. Meanwhile, Dib didn’t just lose the chance to use basically a magical superweapon against Zim - he also lost a lot of money and then got arrested.

So yeah, the point goes to Zim.

"Zim Eats Waffles"

Nothing about Dib’s plan to expose Zim in that episode worked in his favor and ended with his entire computer being smashed up by Cyborg Zombie Soldiers Created by a Giant Flesh-Eating Demon Squid. Meanwhile, while Zim forgot his Evil Plan for the day - the fact that he sent these aforementioned Cyborg Zombie Soldiers after humanity has got to count for something. Plus he ate some waffles! Point to Zim!

"The Girl Who Cried Gnome"

While both Zim’s attempt to utilize the Moofy Media Storm for his own humanity-destruction plans and Dib’s attempt to do the same in order to expose Zim have thoroughly failed - Zim literally ends this episode whistling ‘If You Happy And You Know It’ as he torments Dib while he is stuck in his yard indefinitely. 

Yeah, Zim won that round as well.

"Dibship Rising"

Okay so that episode ends with the Dibship throwing Zim to the horizon. And then he saves Dib’s life.... only to leave Dib stuck in the cesspool for hours as he recounts every embarrassing thing that happened to him before the ship can properly delete his own personality. 

But while this seems to be a pretty humiliating and kinda uncomfortable (“the smell’s getting to me”) situation for Dib. I… think that being thrown to that distance would still probably hurt more. Plus, Dib did still make progress with the Ship since he successfully deleted Tak’s personality (I mean that didn’t stick with the Comic and Florpus Canons but we’re not even looking at those today, so…)

Point to Dib!

"Vindicated!"

Zim: Sad little Dib! No more ally and no more proof!

Yeah, Point to Zim.

"The Voting of the Doomed"

This one’s actually kinda hard. So… Dib’s plan succeeded and Zim’s failed - but that just means Zim was spared from becoming a brainwashed pawn of the school board. But is it more humiliating that you worked so hard for a plan that only ended up saving your enemy? Or that you worked so hard for a plan that would’ve doomed you if not for the intervention of your enemy?

Both Zim and Dib seem to assume it’s the former, so, yeah, point to Zim!

"Gaz, Taster of Pork"

While not inflicted by Zim, Dib sure had his fair share of Suffering in that episode. Meanwhile, as far as we can tell, Zim’s Exploding Monkeys Plan went off without a hitch. I mean, Dib or not Dib, I’m sure Zim can find a way to mess it up all on his own - but that was still probably less humiliating than

Yeah, so Zim kinda wins the two points by default. 

"The Frycook What Came From All That Space"

So despite going through a lot of painful and grueling and humiliating things in this episode - Zim still won at the end, he still achieved everything he wanted to do: escape Foodcourtia, return to Earth and resume his mission. 

Meanwhile, Dib once again failed to convince anyone Zim is an alien 

And his attempt to use Zim’s absence to gather information from the Tallests seems to have been thoroughly derailed.

So I think this point goes to Zim!

"The Most Horrible X-mas Ever"

So… Zim's plan has failed and derailed into a threat to himself more than anything - only to be saved by Dib (who earned some sort of Bonding Moment with his dad in the meantime) and together, they (but mostly Dib) throw Santa into space. And then Dib gives a heartfelt speech.

.....And then Zim convincely impersonates the Easter Platypus and incites an angry mob against Dib.

This is probably the episode I mulled over the most, and not just because it’s the last one. I was really unsure if I should prioritize everything Dib has accomplished in the episode - or Zim for getting the last laugh… literally!

But I think, after some deliberation, that yeah, those last two points go to Zim. It was kind of a close-call, but by the end of the episode banishing Santa was a victory for both of them and inciting a mob against the other is something they would both find a meaningful victory - so I think it’s got to count for something???

Final Score:

Zim: 22

Dib: 17

And now I can quite honestly say

VICTORY! VICTORY FOR ZIM!

(But also, like, I think Dib got a pretty good score too. Especially considering his reputation as a universal butt monkey, that gap could’ve been a lot larger. I mean if we counted ‘Enter the Florpus’ as.. by my logic like seven points we’d have a total turnabout)

And of course, this is just my own methodology of counting victories, like you've seen, I have a lot of Weird Edge Cases that you could make arguments on either way. If you have, like, your own interpretations and your own ways of counting victories for these two Ultimate Losers, I’d love to hear it! 

#invader zim #zim #zim iz #iz zim #iz #dib membrane #iz dib #zade #dib #iz zade #zim invader zim #zim irken #dib iz #dib invader zim

[youcouldmakealife]

Liveblogging the End: Jared (103-105)

Okay, I am back to liveblog the end now that we are ACTUALLY approaching the end several...years...later.

Previous parts can all be found under the liveblogging the end tag in reverse chronological order.

And if you want to read along with me, the series page is here.

I am dropping the part summaries going forward, and instead you'll have random ass mini-essays on occasion, because I have Thoughts and Feelings and the like. Starting with one today, below the cut.

I paused the LBTE last time at part 102, because I realised we were, in fact, a long way off from the end, and I was going to finish the liveblog well before I finished the series. And I was…very right about that. It’s a good place to step back in, honestly: Jared’s just told Deslauriers about his relationship with Bryce (it went poorly), Bryce is about to tell the Flames about him and Jared (it will go poorly), and wedding plans are ramping up. Let’s step back to Alberta, everyone.

Here’s the thing about Jared Matheson: he’s beautiful, he’s smarter than most people around him (not all around him, as he believes, but most), he’s in the 0.001 percentile of hockey players worldwide, and he draws good, kind people around him like moths to his flame (also fellow hobgoblins, to be fair). And he thinks like a Mary Sue: ‘here I am, just this ordinary boy, totally unremarkable, why did Bryce Marcus just trip over his feet looking at me, must be a plot’ and then Bryce’s POV is ‘oh look, it’s the most beautiful person I’ve ever seen’.

Here’s the other thing about Jared Matheson. He’s the narrator of this story, but he’d be the first to tell you the true hero of this story is Bryce Marcus, and Jared’s The Love Interest. Of course, he’s not exactly the mute but there to look pretty and provide stakes love interest of action movies, or the longsuffering picking up after man baby partner of romantic comedies (…mostly), but he is, indubitably, the love interest of the Official Plotline. And fuck does Bryce love him.

I obviously did not know what I was getting into with Impaired Judgment (the series name that just keeps on getting more and more fitting). First off, I had zero handle whatsoever on Bryce. Jared’s voice I had pretty well from the get go — it changed, naturally, as he got older and more settled, and his ‘like’ per part ratio is down significantly at 24 versus 17 (Bryce actually uses it more than he does in dialogue, now), but I had Jared pretty well pegged.

Bryce Marcus. Holy shit man. That guy was a revelation to me as much as he was to Jared. Dude peeled off his layers like a fucking strip tease at the beginning of IJ(aoe) and then grew to be one of my kindest, most earnest, sweetest characters. What I thought was a trash son had only landed in the dumpster accidentally, and required a rescue.

I’m going to have other random little essays while I go through Liveblogging the End (actually for real this time), because this many words and this many years in, there’s obviously something that keeps me coming back to these boys every time I think I’ve reached a natural end to their story, one more step they have to take together before they’re through. But in the meantime, let’s get to the actual story, shall we.

103 - Exertion

Wedding planning feels particularly good when you’re doing it spitefully. Things Jared wasn’t overly concerned with are suddenly important. Fuck yes they’re going to wear tuxes and have the stupidly expensive catering Bryce wants. If Bryce wants a fucking ice sculpture in the middle of summer Jared would probably okay it right now, just as long as he could send a picture of it to Oilers PR.

One of my favourite things about Jared is how much spite he can inject into all his endeavours.

Bryce comes home after two hours, and Jared is given a pretty solid example of Chaz’s reports of the discrepancy between Bryce’s gloss on the phone with Jared versus Bryce in reality, because his face is a fucking thundercloud until he realises Jared’s looking at him, and once he does it gets very — neutral. The epitome of ‘fine’.

Bryce is still masking a LOT at this point in the narrative. It’s kind of crazy to me how far he’s come at this point and how far he’s still going to go.

Jared’s at least ninety percent sure people have recognised Bryce, so he keeps it low when he leans in while Bryce is taking a long-overdue water break, shirt plastered to his back, and says, “Is it weird to say you look hot when you’re punching things?”

Bryce laughs a little breathlessly. “You hate when I fight,” he says.

“Yeah, but when you’re fighting guys are throwing punches back,” Jared says. “And I kinda like your face.”

This is going to keep holding true, much to Jared’s chagrin. Well, chagrin about the fighting: he’s cool continuing to like Bryce’s face.

They do, however, fuck in their own shower — no matter how many times Jared swears they’re never going to do that again, usually while nursing a minor injury, he gets Bryce naked and wet in an enclosed space with him and things go badly. Well, they go badly for his self-discipline; they go pretty okay otherwise. Neither of them even need an ice pack after

The one lesson that is never learned in this narrative, but hey: no ice pack this time.

“Cool,” Jared says. “You still want that crazy expensive catering company?”

“I mean, you keep looking at price per person, but it’s not that much when we only have—”

“You can go ahead and book them,” Jared says.

*

“Hey, is mid-July too soon for the wedding? That huge lake house you thought it’d be cool to rent out just told mom they got a cancellation then.”

Jared would literally marry him tomorrow if Bryce wasn’t so aghast at the idea of eloping.

“I know we haven’t ironed out, like—” Bryce says.

“Book it,” Jared interrupts.

Their entire wedding comes together on the wings of spite and Bryce is kind of loving it, tbh.

“Liar,” Jared says.

“Mom,” Bryce complains.

“Bear, you know you’re a bad liar,” Elaine says.

One of Bryce’s best-worst feelings is when Jared and Elaine team up on him. His favourite people are united! Against him.

Erin drops the ‘I don’t know how hockey works’ b.s. while Elaine’s there, which is good, because if Jared had to tell her one more time that icing doesn’t persist during the power play, while he’s already grit-tooth watching the Flames kill it, well —

Jared should not kill his sister.

This act, which was used to bug the SHIT out of her father and brother, is permanently dropped when she gets together with Julius, and Jared and Don both have dramatic ‘I KNEW IT’ conversations with her.

“But you would have had to tell them before the wedding,” Elaine says. “And telling them affects your career more than his.”

“How?” Jared asks. “He’s the high-profile player.”

“That’s my point,” Elaine says. “There’s always going to be a team that thinks his play makes a potential scandal worth it.”

And that isn’t true of Jared. He honestly like — his dad’s been telling him that since before he was drafted, that a team might decide it wasn’t worth the PR headache, pissing off the homophobic fans. And he knew that, intellectually he knew his dad was right, it’s just — he didn’t expect it to go as bad as it did. Maybe that was naive.

Jared would self-describe as a pessimist, but he’s actually the optimist, between him and Bryce. And he’s usually the one who’s right about how things will go down, versus Bryce, who tends to fear the worst, but unfortunately that’s not always the case.

“I worried about him a lot growing up. I’m sure you can — I worried about Bryce a lot. And I don’t worry — I don’t worry about him in the same way now. And you’re a big part of why I don’t. So thank you for that.”

“I didn’t really do anything,” Jared says. “Like, he kind of — it’s all him. He’s the one who did all the work, you know?”

“Don’t sell yourself short,” Elaine says, reaching out and squeezing his hand, and Jared squeezes back.

This is probably my favourite Jared and Elaine moment in the entire series. The utter RELIEF it has been for Elaine, Bryce having Jared in his life. That fear has been so ever-present since Bryce was a child, the weight of it coming off was immense. She still worries about him, obviously, but before, she was Bryce’s sole support. Him having Jared is such blessing to her.

“Why’re you still up?” Jared asks.

“Waiting for you,” Bryce says, but he doesn’t protest when Jared pokes him to their room, supervises him getting into bed. Bryce gets out a plaintive “Come to bed,” before he crashes hard, and Jared gets Gatorade — blue, because Bryce earned it — and aspirin, puts them on Bryce’s bedside table in case he wakes up dehydrated and sore, which Jared knows from experience he almost definitely will. And Jared’s never played the kind of minutes Bryce did tonight. He adds an extra aspirin, just in case.

Soft shit, Matheson.

104 - Ember

Two of them are vanilla because Jared’s selfish and Bryce isn’t there, and anyway, no one dislikes vanilla, so it’s a good flavour to have.

I have been asked about the cake reversal, because Bryce has stated that he liked vanilla best when Jared got him a cupcake for a birthday very early in their relationship, and I will say this: Jared was visibly nervous he got the wrong flavour and Bryce was lying to make him feel better. Jared even pegged it at the time. Also as soon as he realised he could have a non-traditional wedding cake he got excited.

(He DOES like vanilla ice cream best, but he is a chocolate cake guy. Jared’s a chocolate ice cream and vanilla cake guy. Complementary couple.)

“I brought guests!” Bryce tells him, Chaz and Ashley walking in the door before Jared can do more than throw the nearest blanket over himself, give himself a little dignity. Not that Chaz hasn’t seen him in less hundreds of times, but context. Plus Ashley hasn’t, and does not deserve to be unexpectedly subjected to it. He twists it so it covers his chest too. He’s sure Ashley isn’t going to be scandalised by his nipples or whatever, but still.

“Beautiful blanket toga,” Chaz says.

He is stunning in his attire.

“We just got the cake decided,” Jared says. “Chocolate and vanilla, which isn’t like, totally traditional—” he pretends he doesn’t see Bryce rolling his eyes at him. “But it’s not like, a cupcake cake or whatever, so.”

“Aw, I like those little cupcake towers,” Ashley says. “They’re super cute.”

VINDICATION FOR HALLA.

Bryce eats it up, and Jared can’t blame him, considering that’s like, his first enthusiastic Matheson reception, barring Erin the irritating shadow and devoted future sister-in-law. Plus her glaring crush when he first came onto the scene. Maybe Jared will amend that to adult Mathesons — though like, his grandma’s a Murray, not a Matheson, so maybe that’s the difference. No hobgoblin gene.

Jared has the hobgoblin gene from both sides, his grandma has simply bamboozled him into thinking she’s not a hobgoblin herself.

It’s going to cost an absurd amount for something Jared will probably never wear again, except maybe to Oilers charity stuff — and even then hopefully he’ll have put on enough weight it won’t fit — and Jared almost protests and puts his foot down on getting one off the rack, despite Bryce’s obvious horror at the idea, but then he gathers all his reserves of spite and lets it happen.

Bryce continues to be very grateful to Jared’s spite in this matter.

Small potatoes is a stupid term, Julius texts back ten minutes later, ten minutes Jared imagines he spent looking up whatever the hell that meant and then trying to figure out why that was a thing, and then throwing his hands up at the English language. It’s easy to imagine because Jared’s seen him do it multiple times before.

And to be fair, it is a pretty stupid term. Like, what is it comparing the small potatoes to? Big potatoes? A pumpkin?

It literally has no defined etymology and that makes me fucking mad. A good idiom requires a root MEANING, even if it’s no longer relevant to modern life. Fuck you small potatoes.

Jared snorts, then texts Julius with a mad face. “I can’t believe you’re sulking,” Bryce says. “I’m not,” Jared says, and then sends Julius three more mad faces and a I cooked for you ALL YEAR and I get nothing. Thank you for your congratulations, Julius sends back twenty minutes later. Whatever we both knew you were a lock., Jared texts back

I love their friendship. Julius is the friend Jared deserves.

It feels vaguely unethical for them to get preferential treatment when everyone’s supposed to be equal, but Jared doesn’t want some random person at City Hall recognising Bryce, so he’s not actually complaining.

Love Jared like ‘I recognise this is the sort of preferential treatment that leads to systemic inequality which is bad…but also I appreciate it’.

“We’re getting married in July,” Jared says, just to like — tell her. She doesn’t care, she’s just telling them how long it’s valid for so they don’t have to get a new one, but it’s just. It’s cool, saying it to someone.

“Congratulations,” she says, both like she says it a billion times a day, and like she means it, means it as much for them as anyone else, no more or less.

“Thank you,” Bryce says, and it’s stupid, but Jared has the sudden urge to take his hand, follows through on it. She knows they’re getting married, it’s not like a little hand holding is going to shock her. Once again, she doesn’t bat an eye.

But then also NOT getting different treatment is meaningful as hell too.

105 - Promise

It turns out while Bryce’s celebrity was kind of handy in getting some strings pulled at City Hall, it is a pain in the fucking ass when it comes to getting an officiant. Jared figured they could get Elaine or Bryce’s grandpa or someone to get a licence for it, like he’s seen before, keep it in the family, but Alberta’s a buzzkill on that one, and they have to go official.

I ALSO figured that and was displeased with the government of Alberta. (But when am I not, you know? If I get the fucking 'tell the Feds' ad one more time during a hockey game so help me--)

Jared doesn’t want to do that. Like, for one, Bryce is going to have a speech that’s a billion times more romantic and great even if he doesn’t put any effort into it — and Jared knows he’s going to put effort in it. Jared’s is going to be awful in comparison. Every time Jared tries to talk about his feelings, it ends up terrible and often insulting. Bryce deserves better.

Look at Jared trying to make this sound like he’s refusing for Bryce’s sake. (though he is right, it is typically terrible and insulting.)

“You know, the ‘I take you, blah blah blah,’” Jared says. “She just wanted to know if we wanted to personalise them. You’re supposed to save the long stuff for the reception, you know, not drag the wedding on too long.”

Did Jared trawl wedding sites explicitly for this ammo? Absolutely. He’s even got the links saved in case Bryce asks for sources. Sources say: don’t do anything that takes over a minute, it’s a bad idea, it’ll bore your guests.

Any sources that said otherwise naturally were discarded because they did not suit Jared’s purposes.

Raf seems like the kind of guy who’d like, light candles at dinner for ambiance, and Chaz is totally the kind of guy who’d buy Ashley flowers ‘just because’, all these things Jared is totally deficient at

He’s got it backwards: Chaz is candle guy, Raf is flowers just because guy. (And for her mom! And sister! Grace’s fam love Raf so.)

lean on your teammates for help, right? If you’re weak on the point, don’t go there, let a teammate more capable have that slot. Teamwork 101.

God I love Jared trying to hide his machinations with hockey talk, like that’s going to fool anyone.

“No,” Raf repeats. “You have to do your own wedding stuff.”

“It’s just my vows,” Jared says.

“That’s the most important part,” Raf says, sounding faintly scandalised.

Raf is more than faintly scandalized, honestly.

“You seem like a romantic guy,” Jared says to Chaz after they wrap up for the day.

“Oh fuck no,” Chaz says. “I’ve already heard like three drafts of BJ’s vows, there’s no way I’m listening to yours too.”

Three drafts? In two days? Jared’s fucked.

“I was going to ask you to help me write them?” Jared says.

“That’s so much worse, no way,” Chaz says.

And Chaz is done.

He looks up some sample vows on his phone while he’s making him and Bryce dinner that night, and they leave him red with secondhand embarrassment. He can’t imagine saying anything even close to what they say. There will be no ‘light of my life’ leaving his mouth, true or not.

Look at this dude just slipping in that Bryce is the light of his life. Two people making this relationship mushy, Jared.

Jared was always kind of, well — he was a studious kid. He got good grades. He prepared for classes. So it seems to make sense to make a list as a starting point. Sort of a ‘Pros and Cons of Bryce Justin Marcus, Except Just the Pros Because Our Wedding is a Dumb Time To Mention the Cons, Unless the Cons are Endearing Ones’.

Can you imagine this dude listing Bryce’s cons during his vows to be ‘fair’. Pro: excellent at hockey. Con: needs to work on controlling his temper on the ice. Pro: romantic as fuck. Con: romantic as fuck.

Fuck. He is not good at this. This is not his thing. The list part, sure, but not the conveying emotion part. He has a ton of emotions for Bryce, but like, saying them? Oof.

Big oof. Especially considering Jared’s history when trying to convey said emotions.

He’s definitely crazy in love to be thinking about Bryce at like, forty, having a shitfit because he’s starting to go bald, or grey, when he’s so vain about his — admittedly terrific — hair. Or Bryce at sixty, buying a convertible all over again and thinking he’s so cool, or at ninety, grin as shiny white as ever because his teeth are all fake, and still being like ‘yeah, I want that guy’.

We all know this man is due for another red convertible decades from now, Jared has resigned himself already.

Jared closes the doc — password protected or not, no way he wants Bryce to accidentally stumble onto that ridiculousness — unlocks the door to the spare room — he was maybe a lot paranoid about Bryce not stumbling in on the ridiculousness — and wanders into the living room after hiding his laptop in said spare room.

Jared treating his vows like state secrets while Bryce has already emailed Ashley like five different versions for peer review.

He’s having a lot of feelings lately. It’s very disorienting. Like, he always has feelings, obviously, he’s not a robot, but he’s having so many. Bryce always does this to him, dammit.

Thankfully ‘how dare you make me feel feelings’ did not make it to the final vows.

#liveblogging the end

[briar-rolfes-research-oubliette]

ON MONDAY, I (FINALLY) MADE IT ALL THE WAY THROUGH THE NEWEST ERAGON BOOK!

MURTAGH

“A Book I Read”

It took three very patient friends of mine to encourage me to finish reading this. I took notes the whole way through, and I am now sharing those in hope of finding loving community with my fellow haters.

Important context:

I loved Eragon, which came out when I was roughly eleven

Christopher Paolini was the first author to ever disappoint me

I used to love epic fantasy, until feminism, coming out, and learning about literary criticism made me just too mean to enjoy it

Since 2015, whenever I’ve had writer’s block, I’ve found inspiration by looking at this screenshot:

Christopher has managed to create a life where his mum has never stopped doing his laundry or his editing for him. He has never worked a job in his life. He has infinite time to work on his craft, and yet, with all of those advantages, he writes the way he does. I don’t hate him, but I do want to destroy him in single combat.

LET US BEGIN.

17 November 2023

I forgot how obsessed this man is with proving he knows rare words. Picking up my phone to google the word “trenchant”.

He really just didn’t want to say the dragon had a sharp sense of humour huh? Oh, no, it’s TRENCHANT. It wasn’t even for dialogue I identified as comedy but Murtagh thought it was TRENCHANT. He and Thorn have been alone in the wilderness for too long

NOT NASUADA BEING DESCRIBED AS HAVING ALMOND EYES

Of course the protagonist has grown a beard. He’s A Man Now.

I have a theory that this book is about coming to terms with marriage. Murtagh is like “our bond… our bond that lasts until death… the oldest magic… only the two of us understand each other. But, we’re also trapped with each other,” and I’m like hm. Fascinating. Say more

Instantly Murt befriends a child, to prove he is good really.

It’s so weird to read a book by a grown man with kids who is like “how did we all start out so innocent and pure…” like have you MET five year olds

This whole fork fight scene makes me feel second hand embarrassment deep in my soul. It’s SO This Guy Is The Best And Coolest

“Fencing with effortless ease” I do not care how well trained he is: you cannot kill four men with long swords by stabbing them with a little fork in “four hard impacts.” It’s just not happening.

I’m really dwelling on the idea of magic as “imposing your will” on something. It’s very.., something. Murtagh cleans his shirt by “imposing his will on the garment” like. Okay, I suppose in a way that is how all laundry is done, but it’s. Hm.

How come he’ll clean a shirt with magic but not shave with magic? Why are these books SO obsessed with beards and shaving and how to do shave and using magic for shaving etc etc, Eragon was also majorly preoccupied with this

Paolini’s got so many complexes on the page. All the “we’re half brothers and your dad killed my dad” stuff is A LOT

The naming stuff… SMH what would Ursula Le Guin say about all this

I’m obsessed with how even as (gasp) an OUTCAST!! Murtagh can’t not be the coolest guy ever for any time at all. It’s like a disease

Giving the child the enchanted killing fork was the worst decision ever made. Murtagh gives her a murder weapon and is then moping like “what’s it like… to live without killing…” literally pages later.

I’m really startled that Murt is delighted to see a tiny flying magical grass boat come down from the sky and circle him instead of being like “wtf, I’m being Watched,” which would be the true act of a man we are told is paranoid

I just got to the bit where Murtagh offhandedly says that magic users who “are the heaviest” always have the most spell reserves.

Like……… what???? Magic eats your fat?? It burns glucose??

You could be a better mage if you just, ate a bunch of raspberry frogs before each fight??????

It’s food powered??? You really want to go there, Paolini????? Wizards in the candy shop, eating sweeties like Mistborns?

GOD, if only Galbatorix had chugged a bottle of red cordial before his last big fight!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

(I return after losing my mind about this to my partner for forty minutes)

If it was “if you’re hungry you can’t FOCUS” I’d get it. But I always assumed it was like, you know how other fantasy does it? Some kind of pool of ADDITIONAL energy that you are accessing and that can be used up (until you go too far and start using life force or whatever). Like, it’s CHANNELLING it that makes you tired, not that it’s literal food energy.

Murtagh is always running or doing his sword forms or whatever and now I’m like “DUDE, NO!!!?!? DON’T BURN YOUR WIZARD CALORIES!!?!?”

I like when magic can’t do EVERYTHING, when it’s consistent or limited in some way, but I do hate the idea that it’s this predictable. Food energy becomes raw magical power. I GUESS.

(A little later)

Screaming at the suggestion Thorn can tell when Murtagh is horny.

I don’t like the euphemisms. It makes it worse

The fact he can’t talk to his dragon whenever they’re “too far apart” (distance never specified) is making me insane. Why did I pick up the dragon riding book if it’s mostly about leaving your dragon locked up at the bike rack

I know Thorn is basically a rescue dog with anxiety, but it bothers me how much he’s left on his own. The narrative just has no idea what to use him for other than speedy transport for the first um… 200 pages, it seems? He’s meant to be his own creature with his own intelligence. He doesn’t go anywhere without Murtagh though. So what is he doing all the time

I think Paolini WANTS his world to be big and mysterious (his introduction literally just keeps saying things in the world of the story are mysterious) but he HAS to keep explaining everything

24 November 2023

I’ve figured out something that annoys me about the world of this book, in terms of just how the worldbuilding is not actually that magical. It has the D&D problem!!! Which is to say that every regular person on earth is Level One and every important character is like, level 12. And part of what makes that even worse is that all women in this world are level zero.

I’ve been watching my friend Chris play the first Alan Wake game and we realised that all the faceless enemies that are possessed by Evil in the game are… working class men. The protagonist is this literate wealthy New York writer who is constantly killing faceless workers—farmers, loggers, coal miners, builders. And that’s not an INTENTIONAL commentary by the game, but it’s very revealing. And This book is the same in that: there is no such thing as a complicated poor person. They’re all either Dirty Evil or Dirty Good. Murtagh is going around, writing poetry in his head and inventing magical computer code, and then every child is an urchin who is like Oi Guvnah, and every dad is gruff, and every woman is worried.

The language used to describe everyone who isn’t a Fighting Man is so demeaning. And even then, we only need to respect the leaders of those men. The leaders are the only ones with depth who might need to be taken seriously.

It’s like Murtagh has a tally in his head where he is going “finally, a guy who is level 6”!

Most people in this world exist to deliver information to the protagonist.

Paolini either thinks his readers are too dumb to understand that his characters exist between scenes, or he doesn’t understand himself that we don’t need to see every time Murtagh enters a city under a new name and how he does it. Or know what he ate for dinner and how he prepared it and where he slept and what he dreamed and, and, and—

It’s weird because Paolini is being self indulgent as fuck but it is NOT fun to read. This dude really just needs to go write a survival story or something… A guy in the woods depending on nothing but his wits and his axe and his beard and his libertarian values

I don’t understand the stakes at play. All the magic scenes with Mind Penetration are so sudden and hard to actually understand as action. And the way it works is about brute force, so the dragon is not going to be at risk of being taken over except by another, even bigger dragon

It would be fun to read the Murtagh city sleuth segments if Thorn was backseat driving a little. I think that their bond should not get thinner over distance. The fact that it does just defeats the point of a magical bond.

Why does the dragon have to stay so far away? Like… it’s established that there’s a spell to conceal a dragon from sight. Dude. You could just go fucking invisible

There’s so many decisions that just are so bonkers to have made. The whole fetch quest for information pissed me off so bad. “You have to join the guard” (40 pages of emotions about uniforms ensue). This guy learned about plots from video games

Paolini had kids apparently, but you can tell he doesn’t really understand kids. “How do they all start out so innocent and pure,” says a man who has never heard a seven year old describe someone being killed by farts before.

The description of Murtagh carrying a cat that doesn’t want to be carried is very funny. I don’t know if Paolini has ever carried a cat before. If you’re carrying a cat that doesn’t want to be carried close to your chest, and you tighten your grip when it squirms… say goodbye to your nipples, my man

It’s strange how much Paolini doesn’t explore the things that seem to be the point. FOR EXAMPLE, the fantasy soul bond trope loves to say “even during sex!??! 👀” because it’s about INTIMACY, and some alien presence always being there. The dragon rider trope is popular because dragons are powerful and wise but also Beasts. Magic is fun to read about because it can do things that can’t be explained.

Paolini’s world is big, but nothing in it has any real substance. Nothing in it has any real consequence, and it makes it impossible to really invest in anything that happens. None of these poor city folks have a life once they leave the scene of delivering Murtagh information… or if they are a woman, delivering him a hot meal. There’s no sense of a world that exists outside Murtagh’s point of view!

25 November 2023

The towns so far don’t feel at all distinctive to me! I was interested in the one with the massive lake, but then it having this massive fish in it was the only point of interest. It would be fun to have been like “oh the fish has ruined our summer festival! It’s ruined the nobility pleasure cruises! It’s also eating fishermen!” Or “Why do all these fishing boats have huge spikes on the prow? Well,”

Again, these guys are all level one in peasant dirt town. They have no capacity for individual thought and no ability to adapt.

It’s like Paolini doesn’t know what makes people and places in fantasy feel distinct, or have culture. It’s so evident in how much he HASN’T thought about. For example, the bonkers amount of restrictive gender norms that he doesn’t seem AT ALL CONSCIOUS OF? Everyone who died in the war was A Man. No women died in the war. But that hasn’t resulted in any social changes. There aren’t more women doing work, for example, like being fishermen

I remember being thirteen or so and reading the bit in the second book where Arya explains to Eragon that she’s better and stronger than a human woman, because she is an elf, so Eragon doesn’t have to worry about her in battle. I was this kid there like “man, that sucks. I assume he’s coming back to that assumption later,” and… he never did. He still hasn’t. And that sucks

The dragon riders were not THAT long ago, in the world of these books. It makes me wonder—were none of them human women? I always assumed that some were human women, but… did dragons only choose elf men, elf women, and human men? If they chose human women, then even being accepted into a paramilitary dragon force didn’t change gender expectations in the rest of the world. What the fuck. He’s really never thought about this.

Women keep showing up as cunning-mysterious, as humble dirtmothers, or as innocent children. Oh my god I’m just describing maiden mother crone. That’s all he’s capable of.

I just got up to where he rescues the werecat baby (innocent girl child) and settles in to hear the stories of elder werecat (cunning-mysterious)

I noticed the Arya Problem with how Nasuada is described in this book, too. Every woman has to be the best, most capable, most powerful woman ever, to be worth the attention of The Boys. Otherwise they can’t respect her. Only two literal queens can be considered worthy of just two average guys who got pet lizards. Even then, they’re not actual equals.

“She still empathised for me.” Yes, don’t worry, Murtagh, I remember that’s what women are for.

I should note that the reason Nasuada is considered so powerful and so much worthy of his love and is her strength as a person. This is proven in the Eragon books because “she still empathised” with Murtagh whilst he was medieval torturing her. He was medieval torturing her for like… most of a book and that’s how they fell in love. Because she could see in his eyes that this guy torturing her… was Complicated. He didn’t really WANT to be medieval torturing her so she actually felt worse for him than he felt about how he was (and I can’t stress this enough) medieval torturing her

I just can’t imagine that THE QUEEN OF A WHOLE CONTINENT would still prefer the guy who sadly tortured her. He’s her top preference. Out of EVERY OTHER MAN IN THE WORLD

I put the book down until the day before I was meant to have finished the book for book club:

10 March 2024: from page 274 onwards

The evil witch is called BACHEL?????!!?!??!? Fucking BACHEL. Pronounced “buh-SHELL”, the guide at the back says. You changed one letter in Rachel, don’t lie to me Paolini

I got so mad being reminded the evil king Galbatorix was defeated by “Eragon forcing empathy upon him” so that he magically exploded himself out of guilt that I had to put the book down and complain to Charlie for five straight minutes

I guess that’s why Galbatorix made Murtagh torture Nasuada for him. He knew that if he’d done it himself she would have empathised with him too hard and he would’ve exploded himself

Murtagh has never met a single person he has respected. Murtagh is the specialest boy in all the land. Eragon had to leave the country because they were both too special to share a continent

Murtagh decided on where to go and he was immediately surrounded by armed guards who took him to where the plot was

Paolini uses the fucking word “admixed” while discussing EATING A PIE. The flavours admixed in his mouth. Just because you know a word… doesn’t mean it’s a word to deploy about eating a pie

I HATE how the only people strong enough to do the strongest magic are Elves Or Human Riders. It’s fucking magic my guy! Why is it checking your goddamn DNA! Also, hey! Wasn’t it supposed to come down to the strongest wizards being the guys who ate the most for lunch?

In a world of Magic how come every wizard battle ultimately comes down to who is a better Professor X?? I came here for fireballs, not Mind Battles. I don’t care about your Mental Wards

Hahaha Murtagh!!! Get trapdoored, bitch!!!!

Dragon panic attacks: conceptually cool but a bit ?? Like ah… the plot literally comes to scoop him up and carry him away. Yet again something outside of Murtagh makes a decision for him about what to do next

Murtagh’s poetry is going to make me explode myself like Galbatorix in book 4

If there’s something I like about this book so far it’s just the bits where he and Thorn are camping. Not flying, because then Murtagh is using the time to think and that’s horrible. The bits where they make campfires or whatever feel like something is actually happening. A guy and his dragon hanging out

Man. The way this novel is plotted really reminds me that it’s not actually that hard to write a book.

Murtagh goes to the evil village (oh yeah there’s an evil village. It is where Bachel lives. She is evil because she does magic without using the magic language). The village is called:

NAL GORGOTH

But I couldn’t remember this so I kept referring to it in my head by another, more familiar, name

Murtagh is so freaked out by finding a village with architecture that he doesn’t recognise. He’s like “My god!!! Nasuada has to be warned!!!” Ok but about what??? New ways of building pillars???? The art deco movement threatens the land??

Kinda fascinated by how much this village represents a threat to CULTURE. The architecture, the people… Everything about it so far is designed to be A Foreign Threat. The inhabitants are Of All Races (except elves they are too cool too pure etc). The humans have A VARIETY OF SKIN COLOURS, which memorably never happens in Alagaesia, a continent once explicitly described in the Eragon books as only having two (2) black people on it at all (then one died) (the other is Nasuada) (the one who died was her dad)

This guy with a goatee isn’t quite human. He is maybe part urgal and he is so uncomfortable to look at! Mainly he has arms that are a bit too long!! Bachel isn’t a human and also isn’t an elf, and that’s also deeply unsettling.

Bachel also fundamentally represents a threat to THE STRUCTURING POWER OF LANGUAGE, huh??

Bachel is so far the most interesting character in the book!

Bachel has: ALMOND EYES and AMBER SKIN

Murtagh is so upset and confused when Bachel calls him “my son” like… I’m cryign. “But she’s not my mother! I know my mother!!” he thinks, in a panic.

If this was a fantasy novel written twenty to thirty years ago, then the sexual tension between Murtagh and Bachel would be absolutely insane. Alas, this is a world of abstinence, and sexuality is only ever meaningful looks between a queen and the guy who tortured her (it is weird how he keeps caressing Nasuada’s face on the gold coins)

It’s very funny that Bachel has specifically fourteen warriors. The prose keeps telling us that there’s fourteen of them. So you get Murtagh stepping forwards and then sentences like “the fourteen warriors attending Bachel shifted”

She seems like a perfectly normal cult leader to me? Why is she automatically a threat to Nasuada! How come the two of them can’t arrange a toxic political marriage that becomes… something more 😉😉😉

Nothing annoys me more in this book than Murtagh being able to identify specific vintages of wine. It keeps happening and it pisses me off

Bachel is a half elf!!! “It had never occurred to him that such a thing might be possible.” This is truly and absolutely unbelievable to me. Nobody in this world ever has sex

How did it take so long to get to such an objectively cool village!!! Like this is just a cool place!!! Sorry that Nar Nar Goon is evil but like FINALLY something has style

Three thoughts at once:

I’m so bored that Paolini’s mind can’t get more interesting than temple virgins, let alone wearing white to represent ritualistic purity. Like… nobody in this world fucks anyway, why does it matter!

Murtagh should also wear white all the time

Lesbianism doesn’t count as a violation of being temple chosen. Alín is wearing lesbianism

Paolini has never once written a woman who is Normal. He just can’t conceive of it. You can feel how he starts sweating.

Murtagh finally realised it was a cult. What sets it apart as a cult is that the followers appear to be “half-wits” to him

I’m going to detransition to break his fucking neck

Paolini has learned nothing since he had a woman deliver the exact same line in like 2008. The fact that another editor just thumbsed this up. The fact that this is in a book published in 2023. Well, now I’m REALLY embarking on an antagonistic reading: that’s right, I am reading women as capable.

Obsessed with Bachel. She is a girlboss and I’m a feminist xxx

Book is constantly weird about how much she is capable of eating and drinking at her feasts and how it makes her appear swollen and bloated etc etc. Murtagh is so weirded out by this because he feels it is unfeminine… as though she is not a witch and we weren’t told earlier that how much magic you have is directly equal to how much you eat. (Meanwhile he is only picking at his food and eating just enough of it ‘to be polite’ as though this is not making a decision to have less magic than her)

She has so much charisma compared to anyone else in the book. If my choices are her or Murtagh then sign me up boys!!!

Okay but much like how this would’ve been a VERY charged relationship 30 years ago, I’m weirdly disappointed Bachel she isn’t not described as megahot? Like the book keeps telling me about this virginal templemaiden or whatever, because Murtagh is only attracted to women he can rescue. But I’m actually just like… I think this woman is hot. Tell me more about her. It’s wild that this book is written by a guy like Paolini, who told me all about Oromis’ pubic hair in 2008, and who barely thinks women are people. Yet he doesn’t want to discuss her tiddies?

This book could, and should! have started when Murtagh landed his dragon in the evil village of Nar Nar Goon. That’s the point that stuff got actually interesting. Everything before this was literally video game fetch quest logic plotting that earned him the right to fly to Nar Nar Goon.

Boar hunt. More like BORED hunt. And then suddenly there are so many pigs, a comical number of them flying everywhere

This motherfucker using the phrase “the boar was lying athwart him” in a sentence in an action scene????

Murtagh is nearly dead and the boar is lying athwart him?

I’m going back in time and bullying the author at school

RIP Murtagh, trambled to death by 30-50 wild hogs

Oh god every time someone knocks Murtagh out he has a vision or a bad dream or a flashback or whatever and it’s so tiring

“EXISTENCE WAS A TOMB WHEREIN THE SINS OF THE PAST LAID INTERRED???” Do you ever read a sentence that sounds so much like the author is jerking it? “All had been lost, and there before him lay the instrument of their destruction” he is furiously jerking it oh my god. “Destroyer of hope, eater of light” oh, god, he’s still going

…This book is. Weird about mothers

Murtagh flies into a rage because Bachel mercy killed a guy who was dying bc of boar trampling because “I COULD HAVE HEALED HIM!!!!!” And the mercy killing is proof it is a cult. Because doing it Bachel’s way meant the guy was too relaxed and at peace when he died

Paolini’s family were in a cult, as I understand. So it’s kind of weird how much he doesn’t really understand how being in a cult works

I don’t really remember how religion works in this world, but I do remember tuning out of a long boring passage in book 2 or 3 where Eragon learned about all the gods and decided he was an atheist. It’s especially weird to be like “holy shit, an EVIL religion??!” In a book where religion has absolutely never come up before now

Oh my god, Alìn was whipped for being ‘too familiar’ with Murtagh!!! That’s because she’s so pure and a helpless victim girl in all white :’((

In my mind Bachel and Alìn COULD be in a fucked up lesbian relationship with bad BDSM etiquette. Of course Paolini can’t imagine a world where women have enough personality or agency to fall in toxic love with each other. Also even though he has people tied up and strapped down and whipped and being tortured etc in every book don’t think he knows that BDSM like. Exists. Boooooo

Murtagh: killing one guy who is dying of a punctured lung is the ultimate evil!

Also Murtagh: I know an invisibility spell, but to sneak out of my room I am going to suffocate seven men to death

Genuinely upsetting to read those men dying. He made it impossible for air to enter or exit their lungs with a word. Veins popping clawing at faces etc. God, what a way to go. So unnecessarily cruel. Yep, there goes the good guy

The main way the village is evil is that there are unsettling carvings everywhere. Paolini read some Lovecraft, but he did not understand what was up with it. Or maybe he did, because this book did get a lot more weird about Racial Purity once Murtagh arrived in Lovecraft Village

11 March 2024

There’s a bloodstain that “filled Murtagh with the apprehension of evil” and it confused me because these books are so gory. Earlier he killed four men with a fork. But like oh yeah I guess it’s because when Murtagh murders people now it’s bloodless. I guess. His murders are good you see

This chapter is called The Bad Sleep-Well you can tell Paolini thought he was a real genius for this one

Okay but why are there bats… roosting… in a cave… at night. And why is Murtagh worried that red light will risk waking them? Animals cannot see red light?? SOME FARM BOY YOU ARE, PAOLINI

Okay I have to stop nitpicking. I have to restrain myself until my Vyvanse kicks in

“Murtagh felt a sense of not just age but antiquity. Whoever had built the stairs had done so long before Alagaesia had been a settled place. What was it Bachel had said? That the cultists had lived in Nal Gorgoth since before elves were elves... He was starting to think she had told the truth.”

Sorry uhhhh, Alagaesia was settled?? When they talk about The Grey Ones, are they talking about a race PRIOR TO COLONISATION?????????

“He continued forward. Deeper into the womb of the earth. Deeper into the black unknown, seeking, seeking, always seeking a farther shore, every sense razor-sharp and razor-scraped, skin all goosefleshed, cold sweat dripping down the back of his neck and gathering around his belted waist.”

God it’s so overwrought...

He found the well!!

Oh my god. The well is a natural magic hotspot and that means it “wasn’t the sort of thing that the Draumar ought to have dominion over.” It’s a natural resource???

“Not that he would want Du Vrangr Gata to assume control over such an important location either. This was exactly what the Riders had been created for: to oversee and mediate that which could destabilize the land.”

Murtagh is going to bring democracy to the Middle East

He’s too scared to mentally contact his dragon with Bachel around. If he was a proper horse girl he would find a way

Oh Galbatorix BECAME evil because he met Bachel and she manipulated him. Haha oh dear. No, you can’t just come to the conclusion the dragon rider paramilitary force who controls the resources are bad on your own. Not just because they sent you into the mountains when they knew it was dangerous and wanted to find out if you’d be killed up there! No, a manipulation had to have happened

It’s funny to me that the evil ancient witch queen who lives in seclusion in the mountains uses the new name for the city of Uru’baen. Oh no, she knows it as Ilirea. She’s hundreds and hundreds of years old. You know what that is? Evidence of Find And Replace, to me.

Bachel’s eyes are “glowing with fevered ecstasy.” I could make her feel that way. Also. Because, I know about sex

Always with the fucking passing out at the end of the chapter for Christopher James Paolini

NOW Bachel is being described appropriately as a hottie. FINALLY. GOD! It only took Murtagh being mind controlled in his brain but I. I!!! I could see the glorious light of truth!!

“He followed, dumb and wildered.” Well, not as much as that sentence. (You can be bewildered. But can you ever just be wildered????)

The dedication to making Murtagh the most pitiful little meow meow in existence in the Galbatorix flashbacks I’m… what happened to the joys of a guy who is evil because he was convinced or was tricked, not because he was fully brain abused???

The Urgals are racially… uncomfortable. Yellow eyes and Murtagh just straight up saying “how do you speak English”

The evil guys have masks and they put them on and like channel the animals the masks are of and on one hand it’s an idea I THINK is cool but also combined with the everything it really has this “tribal stuff is threatening” vibe all over it

“What do you want, witch?”

“I want you.”

Obsessed with how he’s shackled to a table and there’s still an incredible lack of sexual energy to this scene. This is like a day at the office for both of them.

… oh, but she is wearing claws and claws DOES equal a threat of penetration. Maybe a little sexual? As a treat??

Him being tortured reminds him of torturing Nasuada. Wow, it was their first date!

It’s just like. It’s fucked up imo. She should never kiss you Murtagh!!!

Is anything more boring than a torture scene.

Also, was he not drugged right before this scene? How is he able to mentally evade her and power his wards etc?

I’m mad that when he’s brought fancy foods by Alìn he doesn’t share his food with Ubek the Urgal

Oh my god Ubek tells him a story where the moral is just him outright saying at the end, “it’s important to stay close to the people we care for, even if we don’t always fit in so easily” lmao. Subtlety of a mallet

Is anything more boring than a torture scene? How about a torture chapter!!!1!1!1!

This chapter is interminable. Oh my god.

Oh, so we did all that and he gives in I guess. I can’t believe how little agency this man has had throughout this book????

Haha oh my god, Bachel is studying his nude and compliant body in front of her court. Telling him to turn around so she can inspect his back (no mention of his ass even though it is out, tragic). Fucking love it. Now that’s bdsm. Pledging my allegiance to her instantly.

I am BORED. I liked when he was at least doing things of his own volition!

He flies his dragon off on Bachel’s orders and we get the line “Never had air smelled so… so… delicious.” Cryign

GASP he’s killed… CHILDREN!!!!!!! I hate how it only becomes horrifying for him to have done these murders once he realises they’re HUMAN children. Urgal children? The implication is that would’ve been a bit tacky but ultimately fine

Prison brothers blood pact. I feel so little about this. Ubek is 5000x more interesting than Murtagh but he’s been slotted into what is unfortunately a sort of magical indigenous person trope but where instead of being a human being, he is an orc. Which makes the whole trope much worse

Murtagh touched Alìn’s face… gasp! She’s been corrupted by the Touch Of A Man!!!!! (I do not care about this.)

(I care a little. For example she didn’t touch HIM. He just reached out and she didn’t pull away. This is the biggest decision about this character’s life, and she isn’t even allowed to be the one who makes it. He decides on her behalf, and she must be okay with it. Because she doesn’t pull away or fight him off.)

(Also Paolini doesn’t seem to be aware that ‘a woman who has been pledged not to be touched by a man’ would um. USUALLY be understood by a reader as euphemistic. Not that her purity could be forever ruined by a man literally just touching her face)

The way Paolini fills Murtagh’s brainwashed dialogue with oops all ellipses makes me want to tear the book apart with my teeth

Worst: how Grieve the guy who is part urgal is perpetually referred to as “heavy-browed.” “the heavy-browed Grieve” I’m sorry but I missed phrenology school, is that bad??

Also if he’s maybe part Urgal but Murtagh is now given a chance to making it clear that some of his best friends are urgals... Why is Grieve so distastefully described? What’s wrong with being half urgal? My suspicion: it’s the bloodlines intermingling

I suspect I can just skip every fucking dream sequence and flashback. Nothing of any value in these

This one guy, Lyreth, who trapdoored Murtagh for 2.5 seconds ages ago in the book, is TWICE referenced as holding/ touching the waists of “village” or “cultist” women in his dialogue tags. That’s the full extent of it. It’s not that there’s a giggling tavern girl sprawled in his lap while he’s speaking. These faceless women are exclusively sketched into existence by how a named male character’s hand is on their waist. We don’t know anything about how they are responding to his touch, which is extra in-your-face considering that Murtagh just obliterated a woman’s ritual purity by touching her face without asking. And it’s only ever these women’s waist. It’s not their hips or thighs or boobs. He’s not kissing their necks. I’m sure in Paolini’s mind this guy touching women’s waists is meant to read as sexual, which is supposed to reinforce that he’s a scumbag… but it doesn’t work because it’s so impersonal. These women are just… unmoving waists that he is just touching. It serves as a good illustration of how women—and sex and sexuality and bodies—are handled in these books. Men are never ruled by their strong and muscular bodies. Men have minds, and magic, and telepathy battles. Even when Murtagh is on a torture table or when he’s naked in front of a powerful woman who is actively inspecting his body, he doesn’t feel vulnerable. He doesn’t have an ass or a dick. The wind doesn’t make him shiver. He’s just a Mind. But women, well. They only have bodies when men touch them. The course of Alin’s life is defined by Murtagh’s touch, and even Nasuada, a fucking queen, only gets physical description via the coins Murtagh has in his possession and his memory of the cuts and bruises he left on her body. And women also have no minds—unless they’re werecats or elves or half elves, the only kind of woman who are remotely threatening, the only kind of women who are “as good as” the baseline of human men. Nasuada is proven as Murtagh’s equal because she was able to overcome the torture of her body. If he hadn’t tortured her, or if she had broken down, she wouldn’t have proven herself worthy of being his romantic partner.

Eragon’s romantic interest also started out being tortured. Not by him, but “girl who is tortured but is too strong to give up her secrets” was her entire characterisation for a book and a half, until he rescued her. That’s uh. That’s how you find girlfriends who are good enough for your protagonists.

THESE FUCKING BOOKS.

Bachel has put Thorn in a special wrought iron muzzle. Yet again, this is just objectively cool

We learn about who the cult worships: evil dragon underground. He makes fumes come out of the earth and they brainwash people and give them visions. He will come out of the ground and eat the sun unless every living thing worships him.

Really Bachel is not leading a cult she is leading an environmental rescue mission. Quick we gotta get everyone to worship this evil dragon STAT, or he’s going to wipe out all life on earth.

Why does an evil dragon living under the earth with the power to eat the sun (?!??!) actually want or need to be worshipped by “every living thing”. What is his motivation?? And why would that stop him eating the sun?

“The sculptures would have horrified most any artist in Alagaesia, no matter their race.” Mark this down as one of the worst sentences he has written yet!!

I realise now I’ve been misremembering multiple main characters’ names

I like Bachel telling Thorn to stay, like he’s a dog. That’s good to me

Murtagh is learning about the power of friendship to heal himself last minute, I guess

Why is Murtagh pausing to duel fucking Lyreth, the most boring man in the world. Is it because of the waists he touched??? I have never felt this man was worth any time at all

NOT Paolini specifically pointing out that Lyreth “smelled of a cloying peach scented perfume” and that he’s physically weaker than Murtagh as Murtagh overcomes him. Lyreth was too feminine to be strong, in the end

This book is obsessed with the word “youngling.” Murtagh says to Thorn “don’t kill any younglings.” He’s fighting Lyreth but he’s not worried because he himself is “no longer a youngling”. Fucking fuck off! just say youth. Child. Kid. Teenager even!! Come on!!

Murtagh going “this is taking too long” in the duel: me at the whole book thus far

“Is wrong-think to worship Bachel or Azlagur,” says Ubek. This is real dialogue in a book published in real 2023. Oh yeah btw everything he says is written like this

Oh, the urgal’s size and brute strength makes him Murtagh’s equal. I see

Grieve is legitimately yelling “kill the non-believers!!” and calling them desecrators??? Cartoon hours

To start winning the fight, all Murtagh had to do was find his magic sword! It stores all his potency and he inherited it from his father. Freud?? Don’t worry about it

The cultists are bleeding green blood???? Does this mean they’re not human or is it the lighting or what.

Groups of dragons are always being described as a Thunder Of. They’re only ever being described in visions but it’s always being described as “a thunder of dragons”, because Paolini is very proud of inventing his very own collective noun for dragons I guess

Buncha little pasty freaks showing up.

Murtagh’s ultimate challenge: he has to fight one hundred gollums

Paolini inventing new guys for his dungeon at unprecedented rates

Murtagh is legitimately busy trying to think of new names for his sword NOW?? He is just going to stop in the middle of this urgent fight to go find where the bad woman (Bachel) took the good woman (Alìn) to go “my sword has a bad name. It could have a good name.” Did he not have time while he was mouldering in the dungeon to think about this

He’s checking his compendium, like in video games.

Books have never been worse. If Murtagh/Paolini calls this sword Scar I will legitimately never know peace

Oh the sword is called Freedom now. Get it? Like America? It’s the most important value??

“Seeing the armor, Murtagh realized that the leather garb the cultists had donned for the festival of black smoke had been made to resemble Bachel's fantastic suit.”

what a sentence

This is the worst

I hate how her spear has a name and a dramatic history. Like come on

Fucking mind battles again

Alin is just… I’m sorry to her, but she’s not a real person. She’s a cardboard cutout in distress

The final boss fight should not be taking place in the magical world of the mind

Now she’s calling him “infidel?” Okay

The ultimate battle: the structuring power of masculine language versus the primeval chaos of raw women’s emotion!!! Who will win!! Hint: Christopher Paolini wrote this!

“She seemed merely a woman again.”

‘Merely’ is how Paolini always describes women (when he thinks they’re worth describing of course)

Wait… is the only reason Bachel has been intimidating REALLY just because she’s been channelling a tough evil boy dragon? Once the mask is gone and he’s not empowering her… she’s merely…

I’m going to kick Christopher Paolini’s fucking ass

Murtagh feels so emotionally close to Bachel. As he splits her skull. Normal book

For real why were ALL the Riders so afraid of Bachel??? The gas fumes? Face masks not invented?? This seems pretty easy to solve like if they’d just. Sent more than one guy?

He passes out and the chapter ends of course. Then he wakes up in the city

Ah, Alin is blonde and blue eyed. She was a pale skinned virgin who needed rescuing from an evil and also foreign almond eyed amber skinned woman who was whipping her. You know how it goes

I hate how Alìn always calls Murtagh “my lord.” She’s like one of those medieval fighting game banners of a sexy woman. She’s a cartoon.

Isn’t it a shame that when Murtagh hastily gets out of bed to bow to Nasuada he is wearing pants. So much funnier if he wasn’t

I’m so over this book holy shit

Oh, for being the apparently only sole survivor of Murtagh’s obliteration of her cult and everything she’s ever known, Alìn is being promoted to… Nasuada’s maid. That’s not what she asked for. That’s just what she’s being told she’s going to do from now on. Fucking hell.

Nasuada is Jealous of this blonde woman and I was afraid for her because Nasuada is also famously the only black woman on the continent. But of course she has nothing to fear because only the most powerful woman in the land could ever be remotely Murtagh’s equal, which she proved by being stronger at being tortured than him

She asks him to stay and she touches his hand just lightly

The END??

They don’t even kiss?!!!?!! I had to read it twice to be sure. SEXLESS BOOK.

#how do I tag this. probs not in the official tag right #Murtagh: Don’t Read It!!! #DONT READ IT #I can’t believe how much money Christopher Paolini is worth… I also can’t believe he managed to father two children #man doesn’t know what women children OR sex are. how did he manage to solve that equation twice over

[idololivine]

steeples fingers. Dante/Olivine have so much potential actually. let's ignore the comedy of Dante being bad at sex and Olivine being too nice about it for a second (though if you enjoy that comedy boy do I have a fic for you) because Oh The Themes.

Dante resents his parents and their gentleness, because that kindness directly led to their deaths and also meant he was woefully unprepared for the trials afterwards. Olivine loves his parents despite their cruelty and credits their strictness for making him into the man he is today.

They're both leaders, albeit on vastly different scales. Dante is able to make difficult decisions that seem cruel but ultimately benefit his people, even if people hate him for those decisions. Olivine is universally beloved, but he struggles with establishing his personal boundaries and struggles with standing up for what he believes in against authority figures. (He's learning, as of IF, but it's not easy for him.)

They're both so self-sacrificial... Olivine will suppress what he wants and tolerate things he shouldn't have to in order to make people happy. Dante WANTS to be loved, he wants gentleness and tenderness, but he'll forgo it all because he's busy running a country alone and, prior to Eiden, didn't have any peers.

They're also both soooo hard-working. The kind of guy who works all night and either falls asleep at their desk or is surprised when the sun rises. If you put them on the same project it would get done so quickly and so thoroughly.

Tsundere vs guy who's super earnest all the time. Olivine has this way of seeing past people's bullshit, unless the situation triggers his trauma and he gets blinded by the things he believes in to cope. Dante's inexperience and pride means that sometimes he can get taken for a ride (by Eiden, mostly), but he also doesn't hesitate to make his thoughts clear. The game in fact touches on this a little in FG - Olivine starts spiraling, Dante and Quincy pull him out of it, then Olivine and Dante have like two lines of dialogue about Dante's straightforwardness.

Relatedly, they both deflect gratitude, but in different ways. Dante has his tsundere "that's not what I meant" routine. Olivine usually says something along the lines of him not being or doing anything special.

Fire Territory and Water Territory. Red and green...

Do You Understand Me. It doesn't even have to be Dante/Olivine it can be Dante & Olivine. But there is so much about them that could be So Good. They could learn so much from each other.

#my posts #nu carnival #nu carnival olivine #nu carnival dante #danoli