#that's fucking bonkers it sounds not real think it's wrong actually

[hetalia-club]

The Cold War era was honestly the cause of so many hilarious things that sound fake but are 100% real. It’s one of the reasons the Cold war is my favorite history era. (I know a lot of horrible stuff happened in that time but let’s focus on the goofy stuff okay?)

Top funniest moments include:

1. Russia thought that they were building a top secret office in the center of the pentagon and pointed nukes directly at it but KGB spies confirmed it was actually a hot dog stand. 2. America was going to nuke the moon as a fuck you to Russia. But decided that might be a bad idea.

3. America had a plan to strap listening devices on cats and turn them lose in Moscow and try and get them to sit in windows and listen in on conversations but then after sinking 2 million into the plan someone was like. “but how do we get the cats to do that...” and they threw that idea out the window.

4. After a big ‘ol woopsie Russia ‘accidently’ ‘allegedly’ almost nuked the USA because someone read the screen wrong and said that the US had fired 5 nukes onto Russia and they were on the way. Luckily the guy in charge was like ‘nah, that ain’t them they wouldn’t do us like that.’ He basically diverted a nuclear war on a ‘gut feeling’. Because the computer systems said it was a go.

5. America built a bunch of rail ways that went nowhere and spent a ton of money on advertising for them basically saying how important that these railways were. They let the info slip to Russia incase they did nuke them they would nuke the useless railways. I can’t decide if that’s a 200 IQ plan or stupid. because Russia of course took the bait.

6. Russia at the same time had the exact same plan and built a couple fake cities in Russia and let some advertising slip about how cool and groovy(it was the 60′s) and also very important these cities were. America of course took the bait. EVEN THOUGH THEY HAD THE SAME PLAN!

7. Russia commissioned America to make fake maps and the only difference was that Russia was bigger on the map than usual. Wow amazing truly astounding.

8. The time America tried to train bears to fly planes... Because they thought it would be super sick and the Russians would be so jealous of the bear pilots. Didn’t work out. 

9. Russia tried to use psychics yes you read right the were looking for someone with psychokinetic powers to train to divert missiles. Yes really, they were doing this. America got so jealous of this that they wanted their own super hero program and they also started looking for someone who could make objects float and also read minds they sunk about 20 mill into that one.

10. (don’t remember who) In the 50′s the current leader of Russia came to America for a meeting which was in California. He toured the Hollywood studios ad really really wanted to go to Disney Land like so fucking bad. The current president of the US was like ‘dude that is a horrible idea you are the leader of Russia you can’t just go to Disney. He flipped his shit he was so fucking mad. He was like ‘why can’t I go? Is there some secret launch base there? Is there something I can’t see? This is so stupid I want to go!’ he even threatened to unalive himself at one point. I don’t think they ever did let him go because they would of had to empty the entire park for him because it was a crazy security risk for him to even be on his GT of Cali in the first place. Apparently the CIA agents with him had a 70+ page book on how to keep him safe. Frank Sinatra was even there to try and keep him happy. though i don’t exactly remember how he got roped into being there.

That is just 10 things there is so much more. So much bonkers shit. I didn’t even get into things Germany and England did. 

#hetalia #hws russia #hws america #alfred f. jones #ivan braginski #I'm tagging this as Hetalia because it is funny to think of in in a Hetalia scenario and also because I'm a hetalia blog

[izzyspussy]

Ok final ask from me tonight: who in the crew would be the funniest for Izzy to fake date? I think angstiest would definitely go to Ed but funniest? Idk ~ blackhannet anon

Ed

Funniest (and angstiest) if Ed has no earthly clue that this is torture for Izzy. Also very funny that his only point of reference is Stede. Ed, in his mind: so which of us is the wealthy landowner and which of us is the bloodthirsty pirate? He puts himself into the Stede role and treats Izzy real chivalrous and gentlemanly and whatnot, but.... very badly kaslfkjls. He doesn't actually know how to do it.

Stede

Stede, in his mind: so which of us is the wealthy landowner and which of us is the bloodthirsty pirate? Can I be the pirate? I wanna be the pirate. I'm going to be the pirate. And Izzy has to figure out how to play along with that or they fail the fucking mission and get killed or whatever.

Jim

The extent of what they do to convince their mark is hold hands, poorly. Like Stede and Mary on their wedding day. ...At First. Izzy has been saying what a terrible idea this is since it was suggested, and as soon as it seems like he was right he's gloating even though it means he's failed. And then it's a challenge to Jim, a way to win and also wipe that smirk off of Izzy's face. They start hitting him really hard in the mouth with their mouth for no god damn reason except that the mark is, like, there.

Oluwande

Olu treats Izzy with chivalry, but like, real genuine working class chivalry. Every time Izzy looks into the middle distance, Jim is there, threatening him with great bodily harm. No one else ever sees them.

Lucius

The plan was not to fake date, but the mark made assumptions and they had to go with it. Lucius has an absolute blast. Izzy's internal rage/sexual tension is pulled so tight it's a miracle he doesn't snap right in half. Lucius is fully aware of this, and the knowledge is 80% of the fun he's having.

Black Pete

Izzy has never been called so many pet names in his life. He's never heard of so many pet names in his life. He attempts to return the favor and sounds like he is trying to speak a language he does not know. The mark falls for the ruse because Pete is very cute despite all obstacles, but they do take Pete aside after their business is done and ask if Izzy has something fundamentally wrong with him.

Frenchie

Somehow this is the most competent combination. Frenchie is adaptable and personable and can manage to fit with Izzy pretty well, even if he wouldn't actually choose to for real. They fall into simple, non-PDA demonstrations of intimacy like walking in sync or anticipating each other's movements. The only fuck up is that Frenchie does accidentally reprise "Jizzy" in front of the mark, and in the name of their cover Izzy has to answer to it.

Buttons

Izzy thinks this is the least objectionable combination. Buttons doesn't like him, but he's a competent sailor and he hasn't yet caused Izzy any real trouble. Of course, throughout the grift, Izzy is confronted with all the ways Buttons is an absolutely bonkers person who cannot be handled, understood, or even described. Buttons has an alright time, though. He tells the crew after it's done that Izzy is "a fine lad" but not his type. Izzy has no comment, as he has not yet recovered from his experiences.

Roach

Roach seems to genuinely think he Needs to know about Izzy's kinks and fetishes to make them believable as a couple. He tells Izzy his without shame or prompting. Izzy cancels the mission.

Wee John

Wee John insists he has to be a woman for this. He's fully aware that couples do not solely consist of one man and one woman. But he insists he has to be a woman for this.

The Swede

The Swede, out loud: so which of us is the wealthy landowner and which of us is the bloodthirsty pirate?

#jack facts #jack chats #ofmd #izzy hands #fake dating #hc #is that everybody?? there are so many characters omf #sorry i couldn't think of anything funny for ivan & fang

[ohwell-itsme-but-danganronpa]

Fake dating to piss off Shuichi's parents

Clown: Thinking about shuichi lamenting to his friends about his parents always needling him about a girlfriend/ getting a different job/ settling down. And he makes the vauge suggestion of considering taking anyone home just to shut them up And (maybe rantaro) goes "haha, I know someone who would make them lose their minds for like…30 dollars and free dinner" And it's Ouma It's always Ouma The first text he ever recieves from ouma is, "Soo…my dearly beloved to be, how bad do you want this to go?" "Absolutely horrid." "Splendid."

Checkers: He shows up in clown makeup pulls up to their driveway in his little clown car honks at then with his clown nose

Beez: oh you know what would be funny if shuichis parents had to take him w them to some kind of event or wtv n to make him not look like a loser they tell him he needs a date

Checkers: RUIN THEIR IMAGE jokes on them they’re the real losers here

Apollo: Kokichi makes little cue cards with all the problematic things he's learnt about Shuichi's parents and idly flashes them at random people to spread the news

Beez: HE DOES THE STUPID HIGH SCHOOL PRANK TAPING A PAPER ON THEIR BACKS "WE'RE SHIT PARENTS" Clown: He's causing scandals left and right

Dra: No but it would be so funny if he wasn't [wearing a clown nose] and still managed to get the sound by touching his nose/pl Clown: AJSGSH Its a skill!! Along with the several handkerchiefs he hacks up onto the floor

Apollo: Shuichi: WHY DIDN'T YOU WARN ME? Rantaro: Since when have my friends ever been normal? Clown: Rantaro is watching this from home. Sipping his tea as he watches the news roll in Dra: He complains but he actually loves it

Beez: they gotta pretend they like kokichi too they have an image to maintain they are so happy for their son and his ugly fucking boyfriend theyre serious Sini: They are so pro gay rights Clown: Their clenching their teeth so hard they bleed but "oohh they're sooo happy their son has found love" Apollo: Shuichi's embarrassed by the stories Kokichi is making up but seeing his parents in pain? It makes it the embarrassment worth it

Clown: I have the image of ouma stretching idly as he tell the reporter " Oh me? Psh! I'm actually an adult entertainer. Mhm! You won't believe how far the clown niche gets ya, mhm, real freaks out there. This? honk drives them bonkers. These kind folks are so understanding of my line of work!" He absolutely feeds a different story to every reporter

Apollo: Sure…People talk about what sort of…Things Shuichi are into considering his boyfriend says that sort of shit but hey…If it's pissing off his parents, he'll let Kokichi to claim to do whatever the fuck he wants He uses the fact he's multilingual to his advantage as well.

Sini: “These young celebrities are in love with me!” “One bad joke is all it takes, trust me” “These people have no humour! That’s humorous on its own, really! So charming” Clown: "Oh they've been sooo welcoming. They only tried to pay me off once?? Twice??"

Checkers: He’s reciting a waffle recipe in Spanish Reading out loud a Russian translation of My Immortal Clown: He's sobbing the entire time like its something emotional Apollo: He comes up with 'pet names' to use during interviews. The interviewers think it's super sweet…Until they see the comments pointing out that Kokichi was just saying random words Checkers: He is passionately defending pineapple on pizza. In Italian Clown: Omg, nicknames ranging from the classic "babe" to "my combusted inflamed refrigerator on wheels " And shuichi has to stutter his way through something equally as bad And yet the faces of pure rage on his parents face lend him strength he didn't know possible Apollo: Interviewer: Aww so sweet Interviewer, reading the comments: Why was he calling Shuichi a soda covered stress toy??? What is wrong with today's youth? [my reply to Apollo's message] that sounds kinky

Clown: I love the thought of this starting out as ouma leading the charge. He's throwing out ideas he hopes shuichi picks up. But as the night goes on the last remaining fucks shuichi gives fly out the window. And he is absolutely going all out. Ouma nearly stumbles in keeping up with the absolutely insanity shuichi has awakened in himself and he may be swooning Sini: HE’S CREATED A BEAUTIFUL MONSTER Apollo: Shuichi's gone from the awkward attempting to flirt back stage to the You're actually sorta cute so I'm going to put effort into this stage in like one night and Kokichi is shook Checkers: Saiharizz but it’s just unhinged insanity Beez: the most effective rizz on kokichi tbh Sini: Shuichi: evil unhinged laughter Kokichi: [heart eyes] “I will make my parents eat their own shit” “….So are you free later-?”

Clown: All it takes is realizing how afraid his parents are of breaking their facade and hes pulling ouma to the corner, absolute giddy realization happening in his anxiety ridden husk of a body as he frantically says "Did you see their faces?? Ouma did you see how mad they were?? Haha! Oh my god! They can't do anything to me. I can do anything" Apollo: Kokichi is internally screaming because holy fuck a cute guy just dragged him into a corner are they gonna kiss? No? Oh well, hearing him realise how he can do anything is just as good Me: this is a fake dating scenario, of course they're going to kiss, just not in a corner, that would be against the point, do it in front of everyone Sini: Kokichi: “I can fix him” Bitch, I did, and that was by making him worse Clown: He may be going mad with power Just a little Will shuichi regret this in the morning? He doesn't CARE. That's future him's problem. He's having FUN Rantaro is lowkey impressed by how fast Shuichi has managed to lose it Sini: Rantaro is dramatic [rolling eyes emoji] He’s fine. He’s his best self rn Ignore the maniacal giggling

Apollo: Shuichi manages to get his hands on some soda, something he's not allowed a lot so his 'teeth aren't ruined' or some bullshit…Man's on a trip Sini: He really is in his rebellious teen phase rn He will eat after midnight HA He will drink alcohol He will tag a building He will post embarrassing photos on a burner account

Apollo: Rantaro: What the hell Kokichi? Kokichi: It was one cup! Shuichi: [h y p e r]

Sini: “I feel so alive! Why haven’t I tried this before!? This is great! Fuck coffee, this is my life blood!” He’s been deprived Too much You give him a taste of something new and he goes wild

Clown: On one hand, shuichi has never looked happier, on the other, his eyes show a manic energy that is just a wee bit spooky Sini: Kokichi isn’t sure if he should be concerned or aroused Clown: Just one moment, a single moment for shuichi, grinning, tells ouma honestly "thank you for this" and its over for one kokichi ouma Sini: He is on the floor Shuichi is poking him

Me: sugar rush Shuichi just dips Kokichi and kisses him while showing a middle finger to the camera Clown: Shuichi offers a very nervous peck on the cheek initially and by the end he's dragging ouma halfway over the table to kiss him passionately on the lips in front of his parents

Clown: The aftermath may be less fun But it was so worth it Sini: It’s like a hangover lmao Wtf did he do last night? Clown: He wakes up feeling empty, shakey, strangely shirtless in a bed he doesn't recognize, theres a lingering feeling of impending dread and his phone is buzzing nonstop. Still. He feels so satisfied with himself. He smells like grape soda Sini: He smells like….Him Clown: YES. That and he's blanking on the memory of him toppling over the soda tower at the end of the night Apollo: He sees Kokichi and internally freaks out because What the fuck did we DO? but he then learns when he fell into the soda tower, his shirt got all gross and Kokichi being the everloving boyfriend he is, washed it…Well got someone else to wash it but yeah

Clown: Reality may be creeping up on him in the background but the phones been chucked to the side for now Ouma grins at him and goes "I never got the dinner you promised" and shuichi grins back Apollo: They're fucking dorks. Meanwhile, the Saiharas are attempting damage control, Shuichi's uncle is supportive but also god damn it did it have to go like this and the internet is fucking blowing up Clown: Need Miu to be watching her daily drama channel in the morning with a bowl of cereal and the first thing she sees is ouma's face and she does a spit take Apollo: She starts ringing him but he's not paying attention Clown: Kaito minding his buisness when he sees "Former child actor gone rouge" and it's just shuichi cackling maniacally Apollo: Kokichi is hovering in the background all smug like, dressed in the most horrible outfit despite the stylists trying to make him look nice. Clown: He loves to watch the world BURN From a distance, as shuichi and him take the time to tentatively start to know each other in the aftermath Sini: More so Shuichi causing the world to burn Me: Me: some paparazzi takes photos of them on that dinner they go out on and the relationship gets solidified in the media's eyes Clown: YES. If someone spreads a picture of them at some run of the mill diner in the morning for some breakfast. Hair unbrushed. Ouma still has remains of clown makeup. Shuichis eyeliner is smudged all over. Shuichi is shoving a cinnamon roll into oumas mouth mid rant with the biggest smile on his face.

Apollo: Maki, waking up because her Ouma Sense is going off: Who has that brat gone after this time? Maki knew Shuichi would be getting a fake date for some event. She switches on the tv, sees the bastard of the orphanage she grew up in and just turns it off Shuichi says he wants to introduce Kokichi to his best friends and he and Maki lock eyes. Kokichi: ["*chuckles* I'm in danger." gif]

Clown: She can't be too mad!! Look at shuichis face!! Thats pure joy right there!! Maki begrudgingly accepts and oumas like" sOB I knew you loved me!!! " Apollo: She does hit Kokichi over the back of the head later and then gives him a shovel talk. Shuichi is confused when Maki hands him one of those backpack leash things Clown: Maki, deadpan,"you'll need it." Me: she's a little confused about who needs a leash atm

Clown: I am thinking of the end of the night immeadiately after. Shuichi did not expect to go that far. And as he's calming down. The jitters come back. His phone is a death sentence. He's obsessively waiting for the ringing to start.

Ouma leads him to the bus stop, shuichi drove them there but its just not the time. Ouma wants to live thank you.

Drenched in sweat, and soda, and oumas pockets being stuffed with cake they ride together silently. Shuichi barely even thinks to ask where their going. Reloading his notifications again and again.

Shuichi is hugging his knees. He barely remembers sitting on oumas bed. He's still hugging his knees. "I-" he breaks out into nervous giggles, "I screwed up didn't I?"

And kokichi sighs, it's silent between them before kokichi erupts into laughter. "You were amazing!" He insists, and he's so absolutely giddy. Nearly in awe. It's hard for the doubts to eat at him when ouma looks at him like he hung the moon and the stars. "You were amazing."

And ouma teases him relentlessly, and shuichi is too busy being embarassed to let himself fall into regret. He ultimately falls asleep peacefully in a bed that isn't his and ouma yawns and steps away to sleep on the couch.

Bonus:

Beez: saiou pulling fake proposals in restaurants to get free dessert thats it Hina: Kokichi initiates them Shuichi tries for real and Kokichi thinks he's joking Beez: damn the dessert must look good if shuichis the one proposing for it Ves: they just move on shuuichi thinks they're engaged kokichi thinks he was doing a bit Me: 1) do it AFTER they're married 2) have their actual proposal in privacy, duh. I think they would prefer that anyway This is the sequel movie to the fake dating to piss off Saihara's parents romantic comedy Ves: but the comedy Me: Adam Sandlers plays Kokichi Ves: im imaging him in a terrible purple wig now why would you say that Well, it would be more of his type of deal to play Shuichi, since this makes Kokichi the love interest while he is the protag Beez: alternatively someone they know goes into the restaurant theyre at n witness a proposal so they go over to congratulate them but saiou r like shit [eye, mouth, eye emojis] Me: Ha! Deserved

#danganronpa #ndrv3 #kokichi ouma #shuichi saihara #oumasai #saiouma #kokichi oma #rantaro amami #miu iruma #kaito momota #maki harukawa #writing prompt #writing inspiration #when Clown starts cooking we all are just taking up space in the prompt kitchen #I barely did more than deliver the food in this metaphor. but my tag for those is #made by me #I mean. I am proud of what I added to it. but it's little. and I was late to the party per usual

[ezlebe]

Tomgreg prison era?

4-11

Dear Thomas Wambsgans –

Tom blinks at the flowy script and formal address, then reaches out and grabs the envelope… Yeah, it says it’s from Greg. He unfolds out the rest of the paper and it says Sincerely, Gregory Hirsch too.

He furrows his brow, wondering if this is something weird spear phishing scam by letter. It’s really bizarre, if so, but clearly it is working.

Dear Thomas Wambsgans,

The food here is dreadful. I finally understand your concerns, and have now had them realized, from our visit to the diner in Washington DC. It is worse than –

Okay, so it’s probably Greg, but is he… roleplaying? Did he dictate this aloud for some crook secretary to apply pen to paper, too?

 – when we went, I fear, as it seems to be entirely processed and I had forgotten the odd rubber texture to powder egg. It is even worse than the MREs that I once found on my grandfather’s ranch and sustained myself with for a week. Is the food for you also of subpar quality? I have been curious to know if mine is worse due to being in the state of Florida, where it is very hot and damp.

The other occupants here are surprisingly cordial, though there have been some friendly joshes toward my height, but it is no worse than any of the family. I do think I may have to learn Spanish. I have found a single fellow inmate who speaks French, but it is in an incomprehensible dialect called Cajun, which I previously believed only to be a type of food. I have struck up something of an acquaintanceship with this man, if only to irk those around us.

Sincerely, Gregory Hirsch

“Oh, buddy,” Tom mutters, covering a smile with a tight palm and exhaling a broken laugh into it. He drops the letter to cover his eyes with that hand, mortified at the burn behind them. It’s a nothing letter – it’s just… Greg sounding sort of like Greg, complaining about eggs, and third languages, and… and very deliberately reaching out to him.

Fuck. He’s so fucking happy thatit’s really just disgusting.

Tom reaches out and grabs the envelope, again, scanning his eyes across the address. He has no idea what he’s going to write back, except maybe to tell Greg that his French is fake, too.

~

Greg,

We’re not in a period drama. You’re okay to write to me like a real person.

The food here sucks, too. I would’ve taken you out to more dives, but let’s be real your affection for crappy chain food prepared you better than I ever could for it. If you repeat this, I’ll kill you, but I actually don’t mind powder eggs. They remind me of camping with the scouts.

My only real stumble here so far is this guy in for corporate fraud talking to me like he knows Connor. It’s bonkers. He doesn’t actually know him, right, because he thinks knowing him makes him more respectable in here. It does not. You would think him seeing me in here would make it plain as day that being in the Roy circle is meaningless, and yet.

How you doing, otherwise? I know you need a precise measure of water and shade like a delicate, fussy flower.

–Tom

~~

It takes about a week and a half to get a reply to a letter, which is maybe quick for moving a physical object a thousand or so miles, but is just horrific on Tom’s anxiety. He feels like a wartime widow, attending the mail drop and regularly disappointed, wondering if the last letter was the last. It’s just about the time he starts thinking he’s said something wrong, too, Greg has finally realized he shouldn’t be writing Tom, a new one shows up, easing his worries in a way almost like its own clockwork.

6-05

Dear Thomas,

I do not believe I was ever meant to take residence in Florida. It is very hot and humid, which is very manageable for visits, but I recall believing New York was too much, and this is far, far worse. I am beginning to feel like a slug. It is not allowed to simply stay in bed, but I fear that I will one day wake stuck to it.

I’ve been trying to do exercise since I arrived, but I dislike it, especially now that my body seems to be attempting to melt, so I’ve moved on to other pursuits. A good number of other inmates do not hold any regard for the less physical activities available to us –

Tom nearly covers his face, but settles for pinching the bridge of his nose; good lord, Greg is really playing at being such a dandy. Is it a psychological thing? He’s claimed it isn’t, but Tom really has no way to know, a whole country away.

– at all. I enjoy them, though. It is much better to be assigned an indoor detail, as well, than to be stuck outside toiling with a bunch of rude oafs who think height equals shares of physical labor.

Tom gives up and breaks into a laugh, dropping the letter to cover his mouth with both hands in attempt to muffle it.

A clear of a throat, which Tom had been avoiding, comes from behind him. “You good, Tom?”

“I think…” Tom sighs, dragging his hands down his face with a forceful swallow. “My only friend in the world has been driven insane by coke withdrawal.”

“…That can happen?”

“I don’t fucking know,” Tom says, as he picks the letter back up with a careful straightening of the paper. “But he’s weirder than ever.”

I have been unable to get any concrete answers about disease prevention to answer your question about the mosquitos. I was, however, informed that only twenty percent of people show outward symptoms of West Nile, so I may, in fact, have already had it?

How are your call out duties and activities among other inmates? I know that was something you were exceedingly worried about, and my experience so far in that is the warning was some measure exaggerated. It is not an amazing experience, nor one I would ever welcome, but now approaching my third month I have suffered the most of boredom. Your letters have bolstered me greatly, in that respect, as I keep them to reread when the impulse strikes me, which is often.

I also hope you’re doing well.

Sincerely, Gregory Hirsch

Tom furrows his brow, as a flush streaks across his nose. He presses his thumb against the word reread, covering and uncovering it, and tries not to think too much about the small, if growing stack of letters now well memorized on his own time.

~

Greg,

I hate to say it buddy but I’m not surprised you’re an indoors activity guy. I can actually see you running around with a little moleskine and a pen, though if it’s for secrets or pictures, who’s really to know?

I’ve been running and working out a lot, actually, so maybe it’s better we were separated by a spiteful, nasty old man of your blood relation. I’d have made you tag along to my free time whenever I get too cooped up and antsy, which is all the time, Greg. It is literally every day. I wish the unit staff here would assign me go out and do something awful and back-breaking outside, but I think they think I’m too soft and old, which is obviously its own insult.

I’m saving your letters for my tell-all book, so I hope you don’t expect anything to be forgotten. The world is going to know about the oatmeal thing and how you don’t know the capital of any US states, as well as the fact that you write to me like a lunatic in immaculate cursive. You’re going to get nothing but fountain pens and calligraphy sets, as gifts, from now on.

They better have bug spray in that commissary. I do not want you getting a brain disease and croaking out there on me. I would hate to have the entire state of Florida ruined for me by a mosquito.

– Tom

~~

“You got two from your lovely lady friend.”

Tom eyes Carter shuffling the letters like cards. “I know it says Greg.”

Carter demonstratively sniffing at the edges, pretending to look inside, generally just fondling Greg’s fucking letter, which is a bold move for a forger built like Roger Rabbit. “Don’t smell any perfume on it…”

“I know it also says FPC Pensacola,” Tom says, injecting every ounce of deliberate pleasantness that he can spare.

Carter pulls back and looks at the front of the envelope. He grunts and throws both at Tom. “Shit, so it does. I didn’t think that was allowed?”

Tom narrows his eyes, then glances down to the letters, as Carter fucks off to the next person in line. He turns them over in his hands by the corners, waiting until the unit is let loose, and decides forcefully not to ask. He doesn’t want to know if he’s got strings pulled without him knowing, until it matters; ignorance, at this point, is bliss.

Tom pulls out the first postmarked with a tense tug. He’s not sure why Greg would send two so close – he usually waits for a reply.

Tom! I saw an alligator!! It was like both bigger and smaller than assumed!

Tom raises an eyebrow, then flips over the page to a blank back.

Alright.

He reaches out for the next envelope, more careful at the twice over sealed seam.

8-16

Dear Thomas,

Okay, that’s more familiar. Evidently, the alligator was just exciting enough Greg forgot he’s pretending to be a Victorian.

It’s been a day and I have seen to send a formal letter.

I have weathered a small actual hurricane, but I just believed it a bad storm at the time. The water level rose high, but, thankfully, it did not outright flood. It was less intimidating an experience than I had assumed it would be after watching films on the subject. The hurricanes, evidently, do not get quite so bad in general and are most often a lot of rain and wind.

The alligator was roughly two meters in length and hissed quite loudly when it was woken, but did not make any other move. My fellow inmate Lou told me that the creature was simply sunning itself after the storm. He also informed me that they are cocodrie in his French and they can get much larger, but that they’re lazy. In return, I told him about orignal and that I would not have approached one so closely to the fence.

Are you still well? I do not know what August is like in Minnesota.

I have recently been considering the end of my stay here. I know you are sentenced for nearly twice as long, but do you think that I might see you before then? Our lawyer has said that it may be easiest to find out by trying to put my name on the list after my release in November.

Yours, Gregory Hirsch

Tom reads the last paragraph twice before he believes his eyes, sure he’s misreading something in Greg’s flowy, perfect cursive script. He curls against his dinky desk, into his elbow, and folds the letter up while swallowing thickly against emotion balling up at the base of his throat. He sets both letters with the others, then closes the drawer, ignoring impulse to take it back out to read a third time.

He wants to see Greg so much that it sits behind his sternum with all the comfort of the head of a morning star, but… it’s hard to believe that the sentiment might be returned, let alone enough to ask about it. He might just be being polite – it’s far more likely that their lawyer floated the idea out of bias.

~

Greg,

I can’t believe you saw a dinosaur when I haven’t even seen a deer. I’m relieved you were okay during the hurricane, though, and every other storm. It sounds like a lot of water to be dealing with and I don’t envy it. Stay safe. You can probably survive any flooding by standing up, but I don’t think we want to test it.

The worst August weather up here is just a little rain. I haven’t even had to deal with it much. The winter is in a couple months and that’s going to really suck the energy out of everything. I can’t wait to feel like I’m in fifth grade and forced to go outside for recess again. I bet you’re familiar with the feeling, though I’ve never thought to ask where you went to school? The one I went to was private and still made us do it, but maybe Canada doesn’t allow that shit.

It’s no problem to try to get you on the list, but check in before you actually make any detour on your welcome home tour. I’d really love to see you, but you’ll have spent enough time in a prison, Greg, to ever walk willingly into another one.

What the flying fuck is an orignal?

 – Tom

~~

10-23

My Dearest Thomas,

Tom flips the upper third of the letter down and sets a flat look out the window. It doesn’t seem to matter how many times that he tells Greg to write like he was born in 1988, not 1788, he just won’t because he thinks it’s fun, the nut, and now it is just getting ridiculous.

All Hallows’ Eve approaches! I am most excited. I don’t believe that the camp will do anything monumental for the holiday, but I have sketched some decorations for the letter. The seasons are most odd in Florida, as well; I have been put on a garden detail and, because they do not have winter, they are still growing food. I enjoy it! It is a much better experience doing this under the direction of the faculty here than my grandfather, who had much patience for plants and little to spare elsewhere.

Tom didn’t actually need any confirmation that Ewan was basically a warden, but good to know he’s worse. He wonders, as well, if Greg is predisposed to entire conversations with plants; he seems the type. The little thinking pumpkins in the letter margins just sort of support the idea.

I have also sketched out one of the blossoms on the back from a zucchini. I find they are quite pretty. I was informed by a CO that they can be stuffed with ricotta and fried to be eaten, and I told him that sounded like something you might enjoy more than me. He said then that I must make them, but I believe that would be better left to you, as well.

I only have a month left, as of today! I cannot wait for the opportunity to see you. The letters are sustaining, but hardly satisfying enough compared to actual company.

Our lawyer has urged me that I should prepare for the cold and I was forced to remind her that I am from Canada; however, she then informed me that Toronto is, in all fact, south of both Twin Cities and Duluth. I never thought to look. I doubt still that it is all that bad.

Ever Yours, Gregory Hirsch

Tom stares at the closing for a beat, a reluctant grin twisting his mouth while he huffs through his nose. He flips the page over and studies the drawn flower, wilted and certainly somewhat lifelike, featuring faint lines and shading, and realizes Greg must be practicing a lot. He probably won’t be sending many more letters, tripping back into real life, but Tom hopes that Greg continues the artsy hobby. He’s not half bad at it. He’s like a little amateur naturist; a burgeoning, trapped Monet.

~

Greg,

Your cartoon pumpkins are very dark, thinking about being carved into pieces. I’m surprised the administration let the letter through at all, hah. Duluth isn’t doing Halloween, either, but there is a CO who started wearing cat eye contact lenses and it just comes off as a painfully dorky rebellion. It reminds me of Tyler the assistant with the Felix clock on his cubicle.

It’s now getting a bit colder and the leaves are turning, too. I expect meals are only going to get worse, from here, so I’m happy someone is going to be getting vitamin c even if it isn’t me. I hear a lot of rumor about hydroponics around here, but I don’t believe anyone is relating it to food. If you like the gardening, though, you should keep it up, so you’ll be prepared for when the world ends and we’re reduced to agrarian pursuits. I’ll do the hunting part.

I’ve noticed you’re collecting hobbies. A quick learner with a curse. What I’m saying is the flower is really well drawn, buddy, as in actually lifelike. I didn’t know you were such an artist.

I have heard of frying them, some Italian thing, but never tried it. It’s probably really crispy and greasy, so I wouldn’t dismiss to so quick for yourself. In a similar weird Italian thing, they do their own songbird, but from what I’ve seen, it is a bit too much even for me.

I miss you, too. I admit I asked about you and our lawyer said to my face she only uses you as an excuse to visit Florida. She doesn’t even It’s just rude.

– Tom

++++

“Wambsgans, visitor,” the CO says, jerking his head toward the visitor building with a flat expression. “Greg Hirsch.”

“What – Really?” Tom says, shocked that – well, Greg is even in the state so soon, since he was scheduled to be released only something like three days ago, but also that he got through the visitor screening process. It seems whoever is signing off on those is either a moron, letting in his accomplice, or the opposite of one, and knows Greg and he can’t exactly duplicate or plan any other version of their crime. …Or, more likely, his lawyer pulled strings. “Oh, I – ” he looks down at his rumpled uniform, suddenly feeling almost naked in it. “Okay.”

He enters the visitors room at the behest of another, more familiar, CO called Maria, and promptly forgets her and the rest of the bland room at the sight of Greg hovering near one of the bolted, tacky tables. His hair is longer, maybe having gone entirely uncut since the day they got stuck in their respective camps, and he’s hunched as ever, big round eyes staring back at Tom.

It’s tempting to do the crazy thing and piledrive Greg into the ground and never let him go, but Tom takes the sensible and sane choice to simply speedwalk to the table. He gets close enough and Greg jumps him, anyway, squeezing the life from him while Tom clumsily, hurriedly grabs back.

“Tom,” Greg murmurs in his ear.

“Hey, buddy,” Tom answers, softly, bracing his hands on Greg’s back with a hard swallow. He closes his eyes for a brief pair of moments, holding his breath and pretending they’re anywhere else. “Long time no see.”

Greg hums a vague response, a petulant grumble escaping his lips when Tom gently pulls away before a CO can come peel him off. It’s a whiny, spoiled little noise that Tom missed so much.

“You were really that eager to get back into another prison, huh?” Tom asks, settling across the table from Greg and ignoring another plain stupid idea to reach out for Greg’s hands to make themselves a summoning circle of two. It’s not like a hug; he’s never held Greg’s hand.

Greg sweeps some overlong hair behind his ear, leaning into the table with a shrug.

Tom is just struck dumb by the fact Greg is sitting in front of him. He’s solid and real and here, and Tom needs to do more than just stare at him. “Florida for eight months and not even a tan?”

Greg grins and stretches out his arms to look at the pale backs of them. “I guess not?”

“You doing okay?” Tom asks, glancing over Greg from his bulky sweater to his obviously new jeans, ankles exposed to the air with a shock of white socks underneath. “No yawning distress, or whatever? I assume you got the benefits coming in.”

“Yeah, your, uh – your mom is really nice? Like still. She said she would help me find a place.”

“A place? Oh.” Tom swallows hard in shock, because it almost sounds like Greg plans to… to stay in Minnesota? “Huh… You might want to watch that. Her taste leans toward art deco – Oh no, wait… that’s you.”

Greg breaks into a laugh, shaking his head and suddenly ducking it into his chest. His long-fingered hands flex against each other on the table, making it more tempting than ever to reach out and take them.

“There’s this… Frank Lloyd Wright service station, not far from here,” Tom says, unsure where he’s really pointing when he flicks his fingers toward the wall across from them, but it could be close to Cloquet. “It’s based on that sort of thing. You should go gawk.”

“Or, maybe, we do that when you get out?” Greg says, quietly, looking up under his brows with a small shrug. “It’ll like… you know, be better. You could tell me about it.”

“Yeah?” Tom swallows hard against a swell in his throat, heat blazing across the back of his neck. “I haven’t actually been there.”

“I bet it’s pretty cool,” Greg says, smiling back, flicking his fingers in a similar direction. “For like a – a gas station.”

“A service station, Greg, which goes the extra mile,” Tom says, raising his brows while leaning across the table with a hum. “Full service.”

“No, yeah,” Greg laughs, again, smiling wide, as he nods his head. “Sure.”

Tom takes another few seconds to stare, rudely indulging himself and prepared to blame his circumstances. It’s the prison that’s doing it – he’s just lost all his social graces. “So is… Mommy’s just dragging you around the Twin Cities?”

“Kind of?” Greg says, narrowing his eyes a bit with a wincing sort of smile. “She had me help do some shredding at her office yesterday, after we flew up? I think as, like, a joke?”

“Oh my god,” Tom mutters, rolling his eyes toward the windows and more than a bit exasperated, but not that all that surprised. “Don’t tell me that.”

“She said she’d pay me, actually,” Greg says, outright overeager, as he relays this baffling bit of news. “If I wanted a job? But I couldn’t tell if she was serious. She reminds me sort of, uh, of you, when she’s not like being my lawyer.”

“Embarrassing, right,” Tom says, scoffing through his nose with a weak laugh. “I’m glad you’re getting along.”

Greg sweeps his hair out of his face, again, smiling somewhat under his fingers. “Yeah, like… I’m glad, too.”

The conversation drifts, almost awkwardly, but not uncomfortably, like neither of them know what to say, but don’t want to leave. It goes on like that, anyway, until a CO breaks in with an announcement and Greg does straighten with a glance at the clock. It suddenly feels like it hasn’t been any time at all.

“So, I was looking – um, at the rules?” Greg says, lifting his head with a nod at the station behind Tom, though there isn’t any sign to that effect behind him. “And you get like unlimited time but only like eight total, right? Per month. So like I could split it with your family, or whatever, but that could be, like… two visits a week?”

“That is math, buddy,” Tom says, forcing himself to look up into Greg’s eyes while he raises his brows high up his forehead with forced levity. “You want to stick it out here that long?”

“Yeah, I – I mean if that’s okay?”

“Of course, Greg, I would love it, if you stayed, it’s just – ” Tom lowers his voice, making sure to put a taunting pull at his lips. “This is Minnesota. It’s dead boring.”

“I like lived in New Brunswick as a kid in the summers, you know?” Greg says, though Tom had certainly not known, but that’ll be an explanation asked for later. “It’s like way more boring.”

“But…” Tom rises out of his chair slower than Greg; no matter what Greg thinks he’s going to do, there’s a chance this is the last time Tom sees him. “…No hard feelings if you run back to New York, alright?”

“You totally would have a lot of them, Tom,” Greg disagrees, as a grin pulls somewhat mocking at his lips. “But I’m, like – I’m not going to. That’s why I’m here.”

“Sure,” Tom says, offering a shrug that he’s sure would look less stiff on a Buckingham Palace guard. “If you say so.”

“Like, it’s like… like how you wrote you’d have to go down to Florida?” Greg says, while his hands swing to briefly tap at either edge of his now-vacant chair. “If I ended up doing something that got me stuck down there longer. Remember? When I stole oatmeal. It was something like… you’d go down to Pensacola to give me a reason to keep on-target?”

Tom feels his eyes go wide, startled at the baldfaced mention of a, until now, gone unmentioned lack of subtlety on Tom’s part that should’ve been left that way out of politeness. “So what, Greg? You know that’s not just…” He reaches up and scratches at the heat bursting across his jaw, heart thumping heavily in his chest. “It’s not the same. That coming from me.”

“Or, uh…” Greg shrugs smally into a shoulder with another nod. “Maybe it is.”

Tom only barely manages a punched out breath: “Oh.”

“Uh… uh… anyway, I’ll be back Saturday,” Greg says, taking a hasty backward step and nodding, then looking down with a hitch when he nearly flattens someone’s kid. “With y-your mom, maybe?”

“Okay, buddy,” Tom says, lifting a hand to wave by rote. He drops it slowly back to his side, as Greg slips out the door behind some group of other visitors. He sighs hard through his nose, biting at the inside of his lip and muttering against it. “Fuck.”

“Hey, man,” Neal says, stage whispering from two tables over. He’s an insider trader with a rumored few hundred mil stashed away somewhere that everyone knows about, because he won’t shut up about it. “Was that rumor true about you two bumping uglies the whole damned time?”

“No,” Tom says, annoyed to hear his voice lift, as he keeps staring at the door and shoving down hard on the impulse to do something really stupid, like try to follow. “I was married.”

“Huh. You think I don’t hear that ‘was’?” Neal says, with a hum that leads into a quiet click of his tongue. “I will say this, man? He did not look that tall on the TV.”

“No?” Tom says, looking over with a sneer building across his lips.

“You two make each other look normal size,” Neal says, offering an unkind gesture with a back and forth sweep of his hand at two evident levels. “You have my endorsement. You got to be with someone who makes you look less like a freak.”

“Golly gee, thank you,” Tom says, flatly, rolling his eyes back to the door. “That’s all I’ve ever wanted.”

A sharp clear of the throat comes from behind Tom. “Are we conspiring, gentleman?”

“With this guy? Our resumes don’t line up,” Neal scoffs, which is… insulting but sort of true, since he actually made money off trade schemes, while Tom fell on a sword and jammed another person on top of himself and it for good measure. “But did you see his boy? He could play for the Knicks.”

“I did see that,” Maria says, tilting her head in the same direction. “He didn’t look that tall on PGN.”

Neal raises his brows. “That’s what I’m saying.”

+

Tom folds the Funyuns bag, half and half over again, empty now after Greg offered it as the standard fare. “So you really like the work – are you looking into becoming the worlds largest paralegal?”

“The whole job is, you know, interesting, seeing it from the other side, but –” Greg leans forward, as his eyes go wide with a marked sparkle of excitement. “The – like, the best part is reading all the horrible things people did.”

Tom rolls his eyes. “Oh god, your insatiable snoop monster is finally being sated.”

“I guess?” Greg says, sweeping his ever-growing hair behind both his ears with his hands. “The worst so far is this guy who admitted to your mom he totally burned up a company car, but she had to convince everyone it got stolen.”

“Wow,” Tom says, lowering his voice with a glance toward the observing CO utterly ignoring them. “Burned it?”

“I guess he was super unhappy at his job?” Greg says, with a small shrug of a single shoulder up against his ear. “I never would’ve done that – I like having stuff too much.”

Tom snorts hard, as he leans back away, grudgingly putting some space between them for his next question. “I know you do. Speaking of… How was your New Years thing? Aside for your scheduling issues.”

It probably didn’t go great, because no Roy function ever does, but there has to be some reason Greg came back to Minnesota, afterward, rather than sending Tom some Dear John about sticking it with them a second time. In fact, Tom had thought that was exactly what he was going to get until he got called up today, since Greg missed Saturday, so he’s just… more curious than ever.

“Oh, uh…” Greg sighs hard through his nose, slumping back in his seat. “It was… bad. I’ve never really seen my mom with them all, as like an adult? It – like, it was really uncomfortable. But Grandpa Ewan at one point, uh – He actually yelled at Uncle Logan for calling her a pill head, so that was, like. It was nice of him? But my mom still kind of cried.”

Tom presses his mouth together in a grimace; that sounds par for the course. “That sucks, bud.”

“I got some champagne, though, and brought it home,” Greg says, eyes flicking back to make contact with Tom, then a laugh breaks through his lips. “Your dad is funny – he thought like I’d get in trouble? But it wasn’t even like the most expensive stuff.”

Tom stares back for a beat, then slowly cocks his brows. “…You got my parents champagne?”

“I-I can get you some later,” Greg says, eager, wiggling forward on his seat and leaning into his elbows on the table with a wide look. “It’s like not until September. Or like, you can pick it out – I just took this off the table.”

“You’re such a delinquent, Greg,” Tom says, then swallows hard, as he realizes for the nth time, in a way that still feels just absolutely impossible, Greg seems to really be in Minnesota just for him. “What am I going to do with you?”

“Like, the same as usual? Hey, like,” Greg says, scratching up against the side of his nose with a thumb. “Do you think the champagne is like a heavier offense than the papers?”

Tom drops his head in a deep nod. “I think it would be to your family,” he says, affectedly flat and joyless.

“My mom like brought this extra big purse with a bunch of plastic baggies,” Greg says, waving down at his side with a gesture like he’s brought his own bag. “And she took like a bunch of food. She said it was for her book club.”

Tom tilts his head to a wide angle, then scoffs hard through his nose while lifting it back up. “I’ve never met your mother, but I like her, Greg.”

“The book club is more like a wine club,” Greg adds, looking up when the CO starts to make the announcement for the end of visiting hours. He rises from his chair with a stretch, back cracking like a broken zipper. “I used to have to pick her up? But now she uses like Uber and sometimes her friend, Brian.”

“That’s so funny,” Tom says, wrapping a hand around Greg’s nape, as he leans down for his now-customary hug. “You have a good week, okay?”

“I’m sorry I missed Saturday,” Greg says, his pout unambiguous against Tom’s neck while he speaks into it. “The stupid plane –”

Tom hums loud to interrupt, squeezing one last time before reluctantly letting go. “Hey, you were here today.”

+

Tom isn’t sure if he’s more anxious or less with Greg around, as his release date approaches with the quick passing of summer. He feels weight against his back, excited but crawling with uncertainty, as easily hundreds of good, bad, or ugly ways it could go build in the back of his head and he… He wants to know where he stands with Greg, but also he doesn’t want to know; the thing that makes him nearly lean up at every perfectly appropriate hug, sitting as it’s been so long under his ribs, almost scarier than any of the rest of it.

He never expected Greg to do more than uncomfortably put up with it, let alone start to… regularly imply some similar sentiment. The ambiguity of zero privacy spares him any real denial or confession. He can pretend forever that Greg really forgives him, or at least the actions, and will stand with him at the gate at the end of all this, if he never, ever asks.

“Yeah, but it’s like… we made it?” Greg says, sweeping his hand through his hair, then he offers the other to make a jazzy gesture. “Or, I did. You’ve got two months? It was – it sucked, a lot, and everything, but the, like… I think the working yourself up before it the first time was actually the worst part? To me. When you thought you’d end up in, like… Alcatraz.”

“Alcatraz is closed, first off, Gregory, and second, I’ve read it was mostly the island part that sucked. Whatever, yes, it’s done. …But I wish you’d had something to run off with, anyway,” Tom says, rolling his voice around the word with a low grumble. He gestures toward the decidedly denominational symbol hanging around the curtain rod at the window, smuggled in by some past visitor. “I’m not a Catholic, but there’s still some part of me that feels like I should have taken all this guilt upon myself like I promised to.”

“If it helps, I – I maybe did?” Greg says, wetting his lips, then dropping his shoulders with a shrug. “Have… something. But I decided not to use it.”

Tom stares for a few beats, mouth twisting downward, and when Greg doesn’t crack and admit to some terrible joke, he feels his hands curl into fists across the top of the table. “…You what?”

“Yeah, uh,” Greg shrugs, again, blinking rapidly and looking down, plainly not having expected to get this sort of response for his confession of heinous idiocy. “Um. You remember when we – We were at your like house – penthouse…? I… I recorded it on my phone.”

“Greg,” Tom says, hearing his voice bark, then forcing it back down into something lower like a hiss. “Why the fuck wouldn’t you use that?”

“Your mom said it probably wouldn’t matter? She might’ve – probably was lying, but –” Greg suddenly reaches across the table and sets his hand on top of Tom’s wound fist. “Now it – I think… I don’t know. I’d rather just be happy that I’m here like this an-and with you now, than… wonder if I had used it? If I wouldn’t be.”

Tom stares for a few beats, suffering a brief, horrible wash of anger at his mother. “Greg –”

Greg shakes his head, fingertips scrambling at the edge of Tom’s turned-down hand. “I dunno, Tom, shit sorta happens?” He continues, his voice lowering, almost breaking, “Like… like how none of this would’ve happened, at all, if I hadn’t told Gerri ab-about your press conference plan an-and then lied to you about it.”

Tom stares and feels his eyes narrow, then widen, as his whole expression threatens to collapse; he’s angry, so angry, but it wanes almost all at once when he sees Greg is… trying so hard to blame himself for some reason. He shakes his head and looks down, pulling his hand from underneath Greg’s by widely spreading his fingers.

Greg makes a tight, pained noise, almost soundless.

Tom finishes the action to wind their fingers together, palm to palm, to put himself in a more active grip. He’s… upset, yeah, but he’s suspected this for a while; he suspected Greg telling a lot of people about a lot of things that were just too convenient, but he was just as bad. “Okay, Greg, don’t… get so worked up. You’re not that big of a snake. That’s why I’m so mad you didn’t slither out of this – you’re usually smarter.”

Greg takes a wet breath. “But I –”

Tom tightens both his hands around Greg’s one, squeezing around the knuckles. “Don’t start. You’d been working in the corporate environment not even a month, baby, and I can’t remember giving you a single reason to trust me.”

Greg takes a sharp breath, lifting his eyes and mouth dropping open, but he still doesn’t speak until seconds later: “Ne-neither did Gerri.”

“She was the closest thing you knew to a lawyer,” Tom says, tilting his head with a flat, sarcastic smile. “Too bad she’s probably even more biased and self-serving than the rest of us.”

“Maybe… yeah. Like, with Roman, she – ” Greg looks up with a start, as a shadow falls somehow indifferently over their table.

“I want to preface this by saying none of the comments by Officer Carlos were homophobic,” Maria says, pointing over her shoulder at the markedly ducking CO that’s been shadowing her for a few weeks. “He had me concerned because you look like you’re fighting, but now I’m here and it’s more a crying situation. Are we having a problem, gentlemen?”

“No, ma’am,” Greg says, ducking his head with evident mortification. “No-not at all. I can’t really cry with witnesses, actually.”

Tom flattens his lips with a shake of his head at Greg, then up at Maria, who’s now giving Greg the hairy eyeball. He squeezes Greg’s hand one last time before letting it go. “We’re just praying for our sins.”

“Inmate Wambsgans,” Maria says, turning her condescending look toward toward him with a bizarrely uncanny rock of her head. “Do you even know where chapel is?”

Tom stares Maria down for a solid beat, then lifts his hand with a point and a crooked smirk. “It’s the same place where I meet my counselor.”

Maria raises an unamused brow. “You got me there.” She nods down at the table. “The time ends in twenty minutes. You better apologize quick, eh?”

“Ten-four,” Tom says, sunnily, dropping his arm to smack at the table with an exaggerated gesture and very light tap.

Later, once the announcement officially goes out to part ways that afternoon, Tom presses his lips lightly across Greg’s jaw, hiding it inside the hug; it earns him a tight squeeze almost to the point of asphyxia.

====

Greg cranes his head up at the station, leaning against the hood of the car behind him. He looks like he’s actually judging it, which is pretty funny, since his amateur interest began with a Parducci documentary he watched on a flight to Scotland. He’d gotten Minneapolis and Detroit confused, then been irked when Tom didn’t know about all the buildings in this city that he’d visited once on a hockey trip.

“You don’t have to write an essay on it,” Tom says, flatly, keeping one eye on Greg and the other on the mechanic in the open bay. It would be just his luck to get a trespassing call an hour after his release. “You’re not going to be graded on if you like a tacky gas station in a town that’s only other claim to fame is Jessica Lange.”

“It’s got a – ” Greg takes a breath, gesturing back and forth with flailing, turning palms. “A lot of angles.” He looks over at Tom, raising his brows with a short lean inward. “Did you know they built this – uh, fake one sort of the same in Buffalo, recently?”

Tom stares for a beat, taking in Greg’s eager, bright face, then leans up and kisses him across the mouth. He figures if Greg shoves him, he can just blame the surprise that way, in his own head, rather than the much slimmer, but very present, chance of disgust. He ends up being the one surprised, when Greg hums deeply, all of a sudden weighing heavy on Tom’s shoulder with an arm wrapping around his neck. It even makes him forget the mechanic, who’s hopefully not a total dick.

“I, um – ” Greg stutters, moments later, a smile cutting across his face while he goes on to shake his head. “It’s maybe not that great, Tom? The one in – uh, in the museum is all copper.”

Tom yanks at Greg gently by the coat lapels, listening to a resulting sputtered laugh, and tightens his voice up somewhat more cartoonish, maybe like how he’d scold a baby. “You just prove over and over you can’t appreciate these nice things I give you.”

#tomgreg #this is probably one of the longest of these ive done lol #long distance prison era

[onepiecesb]

Ok so I saw Film Red again today and here are my ramblings about it

Spoiler warning!

-I love Uta’s outfit when she takes out the pirates trying to kidnap her the lance is really cool

-The stamina it’s gotta take to keep the sing-sing illusion going is bonkers Blueno makes a comment about how taxing it is to use the door-door fruit and remembering how little Law could do during Dressrosa and Punk Hazard to save his energy for fighting I think helps put into perspective just how crazy it is that Uta is creating a fantasy world where the people there essentially can have anything they want while also duking it out with the marines in reality and being under the affects of wakeshroom overdose

-Explains why she can save luffy from water despite being a df user herself because his real body is still on dry land

-I just thought it was interesting that when they were younger after Luffy Yassop was the first other pirate to wake up from Uta’s singing

-When asked what the audience thinks of pirates a child screams for the pirates to bring their mother back which makes me think if Uta has enough information could she “Bring back the dead” in a sense?

-During the little montage of Gordon explaining Uta’s past when she gets the transponder snails and starts to gain fans she literally starts climbing pedestals as the fans send their love until finally she sits on the very top and all she hears are all the awful things happening elsewhere (mostly due to pirates) which if you think about the fact that Uta KNOWS she was the one who destroyed Elegia (only a year after it happened?) it makes sense why she feels the need to bring a world of peace to these people that maybe it can right her own wrongs (even tho it was really tot musica possessing her as a child and taking its revenge on the island that imprisoned it)

-She isn’t omnipotent in the sing world it being the limits of a df but I imagine her awakened form very much could be

-I love that SunnyKun is a little lion thing but god I wish Law had to carry his ship in a fish bowl or a little room bubble

-WHY DOES SANJI SLEEP LIKE THAT 💀

-The fact that Uta can also use peoples devil fruit powers is crazy wild and the fight between Uta and Fujitora/Kizaru is super fucking cool

-The snails can still transmit videos outside of reality I think it would be cute if you caught a transponder snail napping u could see their little snail dreams (I imagine doflamingo’s transponder snail has nightmares 💀)

-ODA PLS I WANT TO KNOW ABOUT THE ROCKY PORT INCIDENT QUIT TEASING US WITH KOBY AND GIVE HIM THE SPOTLIGHT FOR A SEC I BEG

-I love that there are people in the crowd for and against staying in Uta’s sing world I imagine if things had gone differently and Uta was upfront about her ability she really could have made a world for people to be happy for a bit even if it is ultimately a dream

-Law putting Luffy in timeout is hilarious but also Luffy breaks out of Bart’s ball and ends up getting put BACK IN TIME OUT 😂

-Ok so they explain that Tot musica is literally man’s fear and doubts given form to this “demon” I love that on the flip side Uta is an angel of hope (but also love the fight between luffy and tot being a god vs demon thing)

-I was surprised for a second when Robin didn’t chew out Franky for destroying the records room but it is only in the dream I imagine when they woke up she took another peak down there 👁

-Going back to Tot being an entity created from human emotions luffys is too? Luffy’s is just happiness

-Oven makes a comment about there being a record because this was an incident that happened before and with how old the music papers were I wonder if this was during the void century ^reasons robin would take another look

-Everyone looks so good everyone looks so hot usopppppppp ♥️♥️♥️

-I like that Luffy actually gives a clear answer on why he wants to become the king of pirates and it’s to create a new era I wonder what it would be called

-Is it just me or did Gordon sound WAY more upset in the dub when he goes “THEYRE DEAD! EVERYONES DEAD!!! THEY KILLED THEM!” Because in the sub he seemed a lot more reserved about it

-I still don’t think the red haired pirates should have left uta I get that what happened is a lot they didn’t want that on her consciousness but I think just straight up lying to her about it was also terrible imo

-“Bad guys need to look like Bad guys” literally makes them look so fucking cool probably my favorite strawhat outfits individually but absolutely my favorite look as a group for suresies

-When Tot Musica shows up the Five Elders couldn’t mute the recording making me think for a second they were asleep too but also where do the people asleep elsewhere go in their dream? And that Tot can manipulate the transponder snails too is scary

-Tot musica is actually super scary ngl

-That flute is way way too loud when luffy and uta make up

-Ben saying our daughter kills me yesss

-Sanji bringing back the “Something only u can do” for Brûlée

-Also can I take a second and say brûlée and oven look so good in this movie I do wish that other characters got more spotlight but I’m glad they don’t look like trash or are used as the butt of a joke

-I could do with less Bartolomeo……

-I loved seeing Koby take charge for the final battle strategy wise I really want to see the Rocky port incident!!!

-Katakuri and brûlée sharing sight is cool but that also makes me think brûlée has observation haki considering katakuri usopp and yassop do which makes sense considering her df powers and how she uses it mostly for intel gathering for mama

-Sanji and zoro cooperating for .5 seconds is always fun

-Usopp finally calming down and using his haki is so so good

-Zues is alive and with Nami pls pls pls pls plssssss

-Everyone fighting simultaneously at the end is probably one of my favorite one piece moments I’m ngl all the build up and then actually knowing the characters it just all fit so well the music fucking rocked and I had a great time

-Shanks being found by Rodger in a chest is super fucking cute but Oda really pulled one over us giving Uta red hair but that makes me think why would a baby like Uta be found in a chest (I’m assuming it’s bc baby uta ate a df so someone was just going to sell her or whatever) but before Uta’s backstory was revealed I was leaning heavily on Uta being something created by Vegapunk a la the seraphim

-Uta looks so tired by the end Jfc let her sleeeep

-Oda really has to kill all of Luffy’s siblings Jfc 💀

-Loved the credit scene now I know that Johnny and Yosaku are just chilling with Nojiko

-Also the after credit scene when luffy tries to talk to sunny again for a second is still cute and I’m convinced this proves that sunny has a soul because uta only affects people’s souls and when she changed the people in the dream she didn’t make them disappear but changed their form into toys etc that’s why I think sunny didn’t just disappear but was turned into sunnykun

#film red #film red spoilers #op spoilers #one piece spoilers #spoilers #uta #luffy #shanks #ignore #i had the whole theater to myself ooooo boy I was having a good time #there’s very little difference between the sub and dub #been on tumblr since like 2013 and I just learned how to use the readmore

[deadlysoupy]

I’m curious, what are your unpopular opinions about tmnt 🔥 and writing 🔥

hi dude!!! im surprised to see you in my askbox and honestly very flattered 😳😳😳😳

for tmnt: while i sometimes come out as someone who dislikes rise, i think it's very fun and enjoyable. it explored new ideas, gave a lot of edge to old characters and created new ones who are in my heart forever (Draxum gets too much hate imo)

but i feel like people give it too much credit. it's not my place to criticize it, but i really think it has some major turn-downs (at least for me). when the show aired, i thought of it as a little silly time, when i can just watch a purely fun show about ninja turtles without plot-heavy storylines like we had in the past. i was also delighted when there wasn't a trace of Leo and Raph conflict we had in every iteration. it was like a breath of fresh air, i was enjoying it. but the pacing changed and it became serious. while i don't think it was too weird, it still felt jarring, i didn't know what the show wanted to be anymore. the second season is a doozy, which is understandable and it's a real shame we didn't get those filler episodes that would flesh out the characters more.

and the rise movie. man. it gets some things just right and some things wrong. and again we get that Leo and Raph fight about being a leader. Leo gets too much attention, both in the show and in the movie. it's really getting on my nerves.

one thing i applaud rise for is giving Mikey that edge people need to see more - his personalities, to be precise. i feel like we kinda forget that Mikey should be a bit insane, and rise, thank god, sees it as an opportunity to show him unhinged a lot of times. not enough, in my opinion, and his character got a little too soft when the movie came out, but the effort was there and i'm really grateful for that. it's why i love 2003 Mikey with all of me - he's fucking bonkers, has no filter, and will cause mayhem just to see something explode. i really hope MM Mikey will be like that, too, thought i don't have high hopes. he still looks fun tho

little side-notes: i hate hair on turtles (ew) and most of rise fandom is toxic (can't go into this bc i'm afraid people will shit on me)

for writing: writing is a chore. like, really. writers say a lot of times that they want to see words on their google docs magically appear without them having to write anything, and i completely agree. as a writer who majorly writes in their second language (thus i have difficulty writing in my native one (don't ask me how that works, i don't know either)) i hate actually writing words. i've been doing this as a hobby for about four years and i still have no idea what my style is and how to not sound like a moron or a ten year old. i look back on my writing and see a child, not an adult who studied english for most of their life. hell, i'm getting my eng major (sort of) and getting ready for international english exams and i still sound like a baby with images in head but no words to describe them. it sucks.

i enjoy storytelling a ton, but no matter how much everyone will say to you "you shouldn't worry too much about words, this is a story only you can tell, if you have a story you should share it!" it doesn't work that way. you need to be able to both feel a story and be able to tell it, and if you can't find the right words that punch people in their hearts, it won't do that well. so maybe some people who are full of imagination and stories to tell simply aren't destined to become writers. this is either a harsh truth or me just being a pessimist, idk

and i think that's it! i dunno if these are unpopular or not but they've been on my mind for a while so yeah. thank you sm for this ask!!!!!!

#woof this was hard #hopefully i made sense bc i dont sound sane to myself lmao #tmnt #rottmnt #writing #poopoo answers

[peterpansindrome]

brain rot.

#thoughts #if i could have one wish it would be to go back and start from the first day of sixth grade again #i'd catch on to things earlier and be less ashamed of everything #stand up for myself in horseback riding #like one direction unashamedly #stand up for myself in school and be generally more confident amongst The Squad #become friends with milo and the tori through him #get better at art and apply to laguardia #better advocate for myself in terms of my learning disability #start dating tori way earlier #don't know what to do abt the cringy things i did as a 13 y/o #but i think this whole thing would be something like how 'littles' work w/ ppl with DID #like i have access to all the memories and knowledge of my current self but i still function and have the brain capacity of a 13 y/o #i've thought about this a lot if u couldn't tell #i just... miss the past and hate time and don't want to grow up. #it absolutely terrifies me that highschool freshmen this year were mostly born in 2006. #that's fucking bonkers it sounds not real think it's wrong actually #also a bonus would be (if i ever told & proved to my friends that i know things abt the future) telling all my friends that: #1. harry styles is gay 2. d&p come out 3. destiel is canon 4. mcr gets back together #and probably way more absolutely bonkers things that we were convinced back then would come true and actually did (just 6 years later) #and blow their tiny fuckin minds

[ot3]

What's the core appeal of orv? I know the premise but why does it make you so hyped up?

OH BOY OH BOY....... i will try to be as concise as possible here but i could write without exaggeration thousands of words about why orv is good. But I guess here's the big stuff.

- Its funny, for starters. it is extremely funny, which is very high up on my media priority list. in orv, there will be incredibly grim things that make you laugh, and incredibly cringe and silly anime bullshit that will hurt you as heavily as any other media you’ve seen. 

- it executes it’s thematic arcs with pinpoint precision the likes of which i’ve hardly ever seen anything else manage to do. regardless of whether or not the themes themselves are the sort of themes you go bonkers for in media, it’s always just delightful to see something perfectly stick it’s landing in terms of the big concepts its trying to grapple with, and orv does

- it’s got fun and fascinating worldbuilding mechanics. the core concept being ‘reality now operates on the rules of a shitty novel’ means that the worldbuilding doesn’t have to function logically, it functions thematically. it’s explicitly stated in orv canon that some of the internal rules governing this new reality are objectively really stupid and illogical, but they just have to roll with it because that’s what was in the book, and i think it’s a really enjoyable way to do it. This may at first sound like a copout, where the writer is trying to excuse their own bad worldbuilding, but it isn’t. The world building is actually incredibly deeply thought out, but it doesn’t exist for the sake of rational function, it exists for the sake of, once again, furthering orv’s thematic arcs. the rules by which this universe operate do a magnificent job of strengthening the core concepts the authors are exploring. 

- it deals with morality in a really wonderful and nuanced way. there are almost no characters in orv’s extremely large cast of characters who are just explicitly morally condemnable, and almost every conflict allows you to understand exactly why the antagonists believe they’re in the right by opposing the actions of our protagonists. the central conflicts are never pure right and pure wrong; they’re always about contrasting goals, conflicting worldviews, and different priorities between ends and means. this makes the conflicts all feel so much more dynamic and engaging than those where the only stakes are physical harm. 

- the characters interpersonal relationships are some of the most interesting ive ever seen. orv is very slow burn and it takes a long time for a lot of these to come out of the woodwork, by design, but by god once they do they fucking hit. similar to the plot conflicts, the interpersonal conflicts also almost never occur where there’s one side clearly in the wrong. the characters are almost all genuinely attempting to do their best by each other, and the tension comes from the ways in which human communication is fundamentally imperfect and part of our feelings and intentions get lost in translation. it’s very heartwrenching and heartwarming to see unfold, in equal measure. 

- following from that, it’s a narrative that really meaningfully prioritizes non-romantic relationships over romantic ones as the central focus. obviously there’s shipbait and the ot3 is real and good and my friend but if you’re looking for deep complex platonic, (found or otherwise) familial, and antagonistic relationships that never get ruined with forced romantic arcs, we got em baby!

- the pacing is unlike anything i’ve ever seen before. from a purely technical standpoint, it is genuinely a fascinating case study in how to execute a narrative that is almost constantly escalating without exception. there is very little downtime or breathing room in orv, which is insane for something that clocks in at over a million words, and somehow, it still works. i’ve never felt more like a frog in a pot of slowly boiling water than i did when i was reading orv and i can’t believe they pulled it off. it’s so interesting to read something like that.

- it is a tragedy without resorting to cynicism and a very adult narrative that’s really steeped in childlike wonder. i’m a big fan of cartoons made for children cartoons made for children are my favorite things to watch because i like media that is uplifting and encouraging. but of course children’s media will always be simplified and not very relatable to an adult. orv is very much a serious and heavy adult narrative, and a deeply tragic one at that, but this is never tragedy for tragedy’s sake. it’s a very compassionate piece of media over all, that holds a lot of reverence and sympathy for the ‘naive’ optimism of children that gets stripped down over time. if you, like me, feel more like a grown up child than an adult someday, i think it’ll hit for you. 

- if you are a person who has ever gotten deeply involved in media to ignore bad things happening in the real world, which i know you are because you are reading my tumblr blog, then there is going to be a lot about orv which resonates for you. a lot of metanarrative has attempted to comment on the voyeuristic nature of media obsession and storytelling, but a lot of it does so in a bizarre way that almost seems to shame the audience for having the audacity to... enjoy the product the creators have produced for them. orv is what i can only describe as a love-letter to its own audience, and it’s really a manifesto about how engagement with media can foster genuine human intimacy, even if initially it’s something you’re using as a crutch to replace that intimacy. the closest thing to orv’s metanarrative i can think of would be undertale. if undertale made you Feel some Things, orv is gonna make you Feel some Things as well. 

- it is extremely cathartic and meaningful. i am not exaggerating at all when i say that reading it gave me the closest thing i have ever felt to any sort of spiritual breakthrough. it helped unfuck my head a ton during some very grim times and i think the perspective it offers on the value of human life is a really really good one

- its really funny i promise

- its cringe in a way that’s hype

- please read orv please not even for me do it for yourself i want you to experience what i experienced for YOUR sake not mine

#long post #orv #i really like talking about orv #maesamine

[masterthespianduchovny]

Although there is critique to be made about Anthony, fans need to take accountability and responsibility for how they engage with media. As absurd as that sounds, I need people to actually listen.

I just read a tweet that said, "How rude of the actor. I clung to ships when I was in the closet Bc I craved representation. so glad Mark gets it, he a truly good ally."

This is what I meant yesterday when I said fans will dehumanize actors (to further their own goals).

"How rude?"

What is rude about Mackie wanting better m/m platonic relationships represented on screen? What? Because a person is no longer able to vicariously live through the character they're representing or who a fan paired them with?

It's the entitlement for me.

And that may sound wrong to say about the LBGTQ community, but there are levels to this shit when you add race to it, especially when they add in Mark Hamill. Mark was just portraying a character--one he cared about, but he wasn't trying to help influence the perception and dynamics of a group.

As a lead, Anthony wants to allow black men to have platonic relationships with other male characters without it being sexualized or romanticized because, let's be honest, most male friendships on screen (and many in real life) are toxic. If this person can get validation from fictional characters being gay, doesn't that say a black kid or black man can get validation from seeing a fictional black man be vulnerable and have close relationships with other male characters without it being sexual?

It's not like these fans cared about Sam until it was time to pair Bucky with a new man and now it's the responsibility of these actors to reinforce these fans' head canons???

Like, I completely fucking get where people are coming from at times with these criticisms, however, fandom and actors/crew were NEVER supposed to mix like this. I don't know if it's because of the increasing popularity of cons or the accessibility of people apart of the given show or movie, but the idea that actors and crew can't speak their mind thus them being "rude" for clarification and explaining the narrative is bonkers.

Head canons are GREAT! But when you're seeking validation from some form of media for representation that they've never indicated they're setting up, you've set yourself up for failure. How is anyone disappointed that Mackie said, "These are two men who are close, but it's not romantic--it's platonic."

Back then, fans fully embraced the fact that our shit wasn't canon and we were fine with that. Like, yeah, there is a lot of nuances and shit. I get that, but this entitlement in trying to dictate the narrative and color everything as queer baiting is wild as fuck and diminishes actual queer baiting.

I literally spoke to someone who said queer baiting is whatever a queer person thinks it is and that is wrong. This take completely muddles the meaning of queer baiting and, consequently, decontexualizes everything to give power to fan meaning. As a result, this is why some fans are upset when they faves they've coded as a gay man ends up with a woman. They've spent so much time ignoring canon and living in their own reality that when the show actually addresses romance, it feels homophobic to them.

Queer baiting is intentional for the most part. And if someone is always going with their meaning of something, they're going to think someone is "rude" and see anything in contradiction to their beliefs as homophobia.

There is this huge dishonesty about what goes on in the community and acting as if fans are always on their best behavior. Regardless if its m/m, m/f, or f/f fans can and have harassed actors about their ships. Fans have behaved poorly. Fans aren't telling these actors about these ships in a wink wink sort of way or just sharing something, they're constantly seeking out validation and, in return, are trying to influence the narrative. And when that doesn't happen, "WE WERE QUEER BAITED!!!"

These actors, writers, and show runners are being put in an impossible position. If they don't validate a fan's feelings, "they're rude and homophobic." Then if they keep with their narrative that doesn't support the fan interpretation, "They're rude and homophobic." If the validate the fans feelings and stay on course, its queer baiting. "But they said they shipped x and y!!!"

That twitter user projected their personal struggle onto Mackie and made him responsible for their feelings. In the process, she completely disregarded his personhood as a black person. And that's the shit I'm talking about.

If people truly understood that how you interact with media in a non canon way is your personal relationship that no one can interfere on, most wouldn't be upset by Mackie's words. Because shit that happens in fandom has shit all to do with canon most of the time.

One last point, for those who keep claiming that this was just an innocent little fandom thing that Mackie shat on, shall I remind y'all of Endgame???

People convinced themselves that Steve and Bucky were going to end up via a subtle nod and were mad as fuck when Steve ended up with Peggy. There was literally nothing to support this idea except head canons and actors going the Mark Hamill route of supporting fan feelings. After Endgame, their was fucking articles and pissed off fans because they were "queer baited", despite literally nothing in the narrative supporting this.

People can talk about tropes for days, yet a prime example of the MCU doing whatever the fuck they want is Steve and Natasha. You can lay out all the tropes you want, but they didn't go down that route. After having them kiss, change in front of each other, run away together several times, imply Steve had a hard on due to Natasha, etc THEY NEVER TOUCHED ON THEM ACTUALLY BEING TOGETHER. In literally the next movie after winter soldier, Natasha gets involved with Bruce.

They're always presented as good friends who genuinely care about each other.

It's fine if people ship Sam and Bucky. It's fine to want the MCU to actually explore their dynamic. What is not fine is to disregard and ignore canon to peddle your fantasies, and then claim you were baited because you didn't like the outcome.

The fandom at large can be so fucking dishonest and that shit is so appalling.

#Anthony mackie #sam wilson

[black-rose-writings]

Reading Siege and Storm because I hate myself

To begin, I’d like to state that this is my first read-through and I only have vague idea of the plot I’ve gathered from fanfics and tumblr posts.

Long post ahead

Chapter 1

So... at first I was like - huh, this isn’t as bad as I thought, but the moment Alina gets introspective, it all goes to hell.

Like, she’s being physically made sick by not using her powers, which is making her feel useless - like, she says, pretty much verbatim: “The only thing I was ever good at was being a Sun Summoner and I’m not that anymore.”

I’m gonna beat those paragraphs over the head of anyone, who says Alina got a good ending.

I’ve also noticed just how often the like “I pushed that thought away” is used and more often than not, it’s used on thoughts that should probably not be pushed away.

Ah, yes, here he comes, my boy Darkles, being the dramatic bitch he always is. We get it, you’re the hot villain, tempting the good and pure heroine away from being good and pure.

And I’m just now realizing how many times in this chapter has Alina lamented their lack of privacy. We have to ensure the reader doesn’t hink she’s *gasp* sleeping with Mal.

Chapter 2

What?

Alina is tripping balls while being put under by a Heartrender, got it.

Darkling is being the voice of reason, but I’m getting the distinct feeling it won’t last.

Ivan gets one point, because Alina is in fact a traitor, but he’s also being a cunt, so it doesn’t really count.

Alina at Sturmhond: Do you even care about Ravka?

Me at Alina: Do you?

Chapter 3

“Mermaids are not real”. I’m pretty sure they are in the Grishaverse.

My boy Darkles is still making sense, but Alina is dedicated to being against him just for the hell of it, it seems.

Did this bitch just throw a tantrum, because he told her, what we can assume is the truth? Okay. Like, I get that she’s at best 18, but still. Not exactly the type of protagonist whose head I like being in.

And in that moment, dozens of smut fics were born.

Chapter 4

Wow, that was quick.

Aaand. What had just happened?

Chapter 5

Sturmhond is a funny bitch, I’ll give him that.

And this entire conversation, it seems like Mal’s entire purpose is to stand behind Alina threateningly and repeat what she said, lol.

I’d like to remind Alina (and LB) that a king in an absolutist monarchy (which is what Ravka appears to be) is very much a tyrant. Don’t make it sound like Ravka didn’t have a tyrant before. And at the very least, my boy Darkles seems pretty competent.

A man calling himself a Storm Dog likes dogs. No shit.

Chapter 6

I hate Mal. Dude, this is your girlfriend, maybe like... listen to her? Don’t bludgeon her with the one other guy she was kinda-sorta with, when you are a well known manwhore?

I don’t know man, I don’t like him.

Everyone: You can’t have more than one amplifier, it’s dangerous.

Alina: Haha, sparkles go brrrr

Chapter 7

In other news, pirates are funny.

Holy shit, they have a plane.

That was... a lot. And we’re crossing the Fold again, yay.

Chapter 8

You feel bad for the Volcra but not for the people you’ve left for dead in the Fold last time? Okay.

Baby Volcra. Am I supposed to say “ew” or “aww”? If I tried doing both at the same time, it would probably sound like one.

Jesus fucking Christ this book is a ride.

Did Alina really just have an “oh no, he’s hot?” moment? *sighs*

Puppy boy has a title longer than Daenerys, jesus.

Alina, my dear, you could have waited for a bit before doing that. There’s like thirty soldier with guns around you and you’ve just punched a prince.

Then again, you’ve never been smart, have you?

Chapter 9

For once, I completely agree with him. I know you two have lost your one shared braincell on that first crossing of the Fold but still, that was very dumb of you, Alina.

I’m starting to get why people were calling Nikolai “Darkling light”. Definitelly seems appropriate.

Mal, calm the fuck down, that was the least romantic proposal I’ve ever heard and you know it.

You two didn’t even let Alina get a word in for the last page. What right do you have to her, Mal, huh? Nikolai is making sense and you’re being an idiot.

What’s your deal Mal? What the fuck do you want?

And why in the hell are you the endgame love interest?

That’s an awful lot of guilt-tripping you’re doing there, Mal. No need to be pissy about it.

Chapter 10

The bones thing is definitelly yikes.

Saints, Mal, are you on your period or something? Alina doesn’t belong to you. Alina can make her own choices. Get a grip.

“You think I’m like the Darkling?” Yes. The Darkling isn’t all bad. You’re at war. No need to get your panties in a twist over a few fingers.

Oh, look, Alina has a cult now, nice.

Chapter 11

Your “dad” is a rapist, Nikolai. Quite possibly a pedo. He got exactly what he deserved.

I’d go for the second option. Especially after that stunt. Jesus, you could have asked her beforehand.

At least Darkles had the decency to make out with her in private.

Also like... why is every single person in this series so far an asshole?

Chapter 12

We meet the King again, unfortunately.

Alina gets Darkles’s old job.

This should be a total disaster, but let’s see where it goes anyway.

Chapter 13

Alina’s nuts, yay.

(I know they have a Force-bond-thingy. I also know they did it before Reylo did.)

Chapter 14

Oh boy, Alina’s not doing as bad as I thought.

For the 100th time in this book, I wish I had Nikolai’s confidence. Though it is getting a bit too much.

Puppy boy is dropping some truth bombs. Nice.

But he doesn’t realize that my boy Darkles has very good reasons to not align with Fjerdans - a) they think he’s a demon and b) they want Grisha dead.

I’m not gonna say she was, but like... the monarchy is very much corrupt.

Oh, boy, Baghra. This one’s gonna go well.

Yep, Baghra’s as pleasant as ever.

So... Baghra’s plan in book 1 really had been to just have Alina run away and hope for the best? Jesus Christ, lady. I’m not saying she deserved to have her eyes taken away, but she is definitelly a trash person and I’m not surprised her son turned out the way he did.

Also, I’m fairly certain that Baghra is literally slowly killing herself - that the reason she looks so old and frail is because she’s started to supress her power and it’s literally killing her, because, you know, she’s bonkers old.

Chapter 15

Nerd Alina > Self-pitying Alina

Also, I’m just saying, Alina comments on Zoya being attractive a whole lot - I get that she’s meant to be insecure, but I’m interpreting it as her being gay, because I need some happiness in my life, okay?

Just kill the sleazy old Rasputin-wanna-be. There’s plenty of them to go around in this series.

Chapter 16

Vasily takes after his father in creep factor.

Why not the Darkling being courted by a horny prince? Be a bit creative.

Chapter 17

Nikolai has big ADHD energy and I love him for it. Fits right in with the heavily autism-coded Fabricators.

*sighs at heteronormativity again*

*sighs at improper gendering of titles*

Date night with Mal. This is gonna be a disaster, isn’t it?

Chapter 18

Fun night of cultural appropriation, yay.

I hate cultists.

LET. ALINA. GO. FERAL. Please.

You two are going to give me a headache, I swear.

Darkles cockblocking Alina. And Malice threw a tantrum. Nice.

Chapter 19

You’re way too harsh on Genya, Alina.

Horny Alina rights.

They have a laser, now. Cool. Or, well, enormously hot.

Mal is being a drunk a-hole. Great. When does he become likable? Does he ever?

Banter between Mal and Alina? Kinda weird, always somehow comes back to either of them being insecure.

Banter between Alina and Nikolai? I’m all for it. Don’t get me wrong, I’m still a Darklina trash, but like... Nikolai is fun. I could see him and Alina having an arranged political marriage and ending up falling in love years into it, that’s all I’m saying.

Chapter 20

Just let this one go, Alina, please. You two are not working out. Please, end it with him. You’ll both probably be happier. (I’m saying this with the full knowledge that Malina is endgame).

Jesus Alina, get your shit together. You have every right to be mad, because you two didn’t actually break up, you didn’t kiss Nikolai and also, I don’t like Mal.

Sooo... when is Alina going to realize her manchild of a boyfriend is an amplifier?

Chapter 21

Alina has the horny sickness, lol.

Jesus Christ, girl, I don’t want to read your vaguely suicidal thoughts.

Mal, you fucking idiot.

Alina, stop defending Mal.

Chapter 22

Alina has a logical thought? Impossible.

Finally, some action.

Chapter 23

Oh, boi, this is going great.

Oh, boi, Alina’s having another martyr moment.

And, we’re done.

Finally.

That was a ride. Nothing really happens for like ten chapters and then everything happens in one and a half.

#shadow and bone #grishaverse #siege and storm #review #darklina #anti mal #I guess #reading binges like this yeet me right back into middle school

[marindram]

full transcription of Marin's blog from Omega Mart!

huge thanks to @b0chelly for recording a scroll-through, which i typed this out from. (and warning for Omega Mart lore/story spoilers. second half is in reblog)

Marinknows.best

Location: Seven Monolith Village

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June 26, 2018

Happy Birthday to meeeeeeeeee!

So 14 feels way different than 13. For real. I think it's because I was expecting 13 to feel different, but sometimes when you expect something it turns out the opposite ya know?

Plus, 13 is like, "I'm new to being a teenager!!"

14 is more like, "I'm becoming the person I want to be." At least that's how I want it to be. I wanted to start this blog as a record of all that.

I should ask Did you guys feel the same way when you turned 13 and 14?

But probably nobody's gonna read this because I'm just a weirdo in the weird dessert. I mean, I know my best friend Jesse is reading this (hi Jesse). Besides her, crickets.

But yeah, if you are reading this and you don't know me - I live in Seven Monolith Village, a teensy tiny town that you've only heard of if you're into aliens or homesteading. And I'm literally stuck. As in, I'm physically unable to leave. My first memories are of all the adults in my life (Charlie, my great-uncle/father-figure - Rose, my what? Roommate? Mother-figure? Pseudo-aunt? All of the above? and my mom, Cecelia. who doesn't live here) telling me that for some reason, there's something wrong with me that makes it so I can't leave a certain radius of where we live. I got older and thought that they were just exaggerating to keep me safe, but then last year I tried. And it was, let's just say not good.

Anyway. That part of my life sucks, but not everything sucks. This year is all about Marin Dram 2.0. Not new, but definitely improved.

And maybe someday, somehow somebody will read this and care about what I have to say. Somebodies, even. Until then, this is Marin Dram signing off and sending my lame contemplations into the void!

July 1, 2018

Things I Want To Do Before I Turn 20 (and some of these will never happen like are literally unable to happen but JUST LET ME DREAM

1. Kiss someone (who???)

2. Meet HTB (kiss him) (jk he would never) (plus meeting him would be enough)

3. Go to Paris

4. Go to Rome (or somewhere cooler in Italy, look up where is the best pasta???)

5. Go to Greenland (why not???)

6. Go to New York City

7. Go to LA (with a dream and my cardigan lol)

8. Go to the Grand Canyon (this isn't mine, but 9, Jesse is sitting right here and she went to the GC when we were 12 and she's like blah blah blah it's my favorite place in the world and you'll love it. I'm doing this so she'll shut up.

9. Live in a normal house with normal rooms → ideally 12 of them: living room AND TV room, kitchen, dining room, 3 bathrooms, 3 bedrooms, study/library.

-plus an upstairs downstairs

-I'm willing to compromise on the number of rooms as long as there's more than ONE for TWO PEOPLE and I got my own

-plus an upstairs/downstairs

-I'm willing to compromise on the number of rooms as long as there's more than ONE for TWO PEOPLE and I get my own room with an actual door. Very into doors.

10. Go to a mall (Jesse says there's a bunch of bonkers ones in Vegas)

11. Make friends who aren't Jesse (no offense, Jesse)

12. Get Cecelia (my "mom") to teach me about business stuff so I can open my own cool coffeeshop/bookstore someday

13. Learn to drive (ask Charlie to teach me, he's obsessed with his truck) (Jesse says she can teach me because she's Little Miss Mechanic and thinks she knows everything about cars but news flash Jesse: you're you get than me)

14. Figure out my signature style- like I want people to send me pictures of things and be like "this just screamed Marin" and for that to be true

15. Liquid eyeliner??

16. I'm stopping here because I just read over all this and want to die/cry because easily 3/4 of these are literally impossible?

17. Kill me

18. Bye

19. Lololol Charlie just came in and I was complaining about this, not being able to leave and stuff, etc and he said that I should visit new places by... reading books?? And I mean I like to read. But dude. That's the dumbest thing I've ever head.

July 30, 2018

Okay so this is what I want my life to look like:

I want a pink room. Not just pink... P I N K. Cool pink wallpaper (floral? jacquard??), pink carpet, lots of pink flowers everywhere, a four-poster bed with a pink silk canopy, lots of cool pink throw pillows. Like, so pink that

people think I'm being sarcastic! Oh, and BOOKS. Floor-to-ceiling bookcases, and some of the shelves have, like, STUFF on them that isn't books, like gifts people gave me, or things I've collected on my JOURNEYS. You know, normal stuff that people who live on normal places and do normal things have.

If I lived in in this room, it'd be in awhite three-story house at the end of a cul-de-sac (did you know "culs-de-sac" is the plural? Not "cul-de-sacs"? crazy) and I'd wear very classic girly clothes and my hair would always do what I wanted it to. It'd be one of those towns that people call small, but it's actually a city. just one with a kinda small, cozy feeling. Somewhere that gets cold enough to wear cute jackets but not so cold I have to to like, shovel my driveway. Not a non-place with like 100 people where you can't even go outside without going crazy.

August 2nd, 2018

I guess I should explain where I live, for all my avid fans out there! (lol) (hello??)

So like... I don't live on Earth. At least, not the Earth you think of when you think of EARTH. I live in some some weird off-brand version of Earth called the Forked Earth where there are aliens and magic wells of magic energy and everything is MAGIC but like the crappy kind of magic, where the sun never fully rises and some goo called "runoff" has made everything wacky and oh yeah, my mom is responsible for that and everyone here hates her!! LOL

Also, I can't leave! Like, literally can't! Rose says I'm a "special child of Source" and that's why but that LITERALLY explains tells me nothing, in fact it just raises further questions that no one can seem to answer! AHHHHHHHHHH

Anyway, the last time I tried to leave I felt. When I try to leave I feel like I'm being pulled back by something, like you know those old cartoons where someone's on stage doing something dumb and then someone offstage pulls them away with a giant shepard's crook? It felt like that, and when I opened my eyes I was back in 7 Monolith Village. UGH.

I know this sounds crazy!!!!! But believe me when I say that I am the least crazy person here. Also, """here""" is C R A Z Y. Runoff has made everything the bad kind of psychedelic and then people here actually DRINK IT! Not only do I not DRINK THE STUFF THAT HAS MADE THE WORLD INSANE, I also do not talk to aliens (or whatever Nula are) like Rose or believe crazy conspiracy theories like Charlie, so I believe that qualifies me as the most normal person in the Forked Earth, thank you for this honor, I accept this award with humility and grace!

September 4, 2018

I had the weirdest dream last night?? I was swimming in a pool full of cereal, and when I came up for air, my mom was pouring milk on my head like she was rinsing my hair. She had her hand over my face like I was a little kid and she was shielding me from soap getting in my eyes.

Anyway I have no idea what it's supposed to mean. I went to bed hungry and I need to take a shower? Lol

October 16, 2018

I was trying to hide this entry from Jesse, but JESSE IS A NOSY PERSON. She says that blogs are for readers, and if I wanted something to be private then I should "Just write in a fucking notebook and hide it under your bed like a normal person, Marin." I'm allowed to have secrets!! Anyway, I'm making her a freaking playlist, that's why I wouldn't tell her what I was writing about. but EVEN STILL! I'm allowed to have secrets!! But I have this blog because I wanna get my feelings out, I wanna see everything in my head typed out all nice in a way that doesn't make it look insane. You know? I don't know who I'm asking.) Because, it's not like I go to a normal school or have a normal life where I'm surrounded by normal people I can talk to. No one knows about me! I'm trapped in this crazy place and This blog is my only outlet to the world outside. I KNOW that's heavy but it's true! The point is: Jesse's birthday is coming up. The central consistent thing in pretty much my whole life is sharing headphones with her and listening to music. The soundtrack to my entire existence is her. I wish I had money and could buy her the best presents of all time, but I can make her the best playlist of all time. I want it to be so good it feels like magic. I want her to think I'm magic. I had another dream the other night. I don't remember much, just glitter. I must be crafting too much. Or looking at festival makeup tutorials. Or both.

November 12, 2018

WARNING- Weird thoughts ahead, lol.

I can never tell which feelings are normal, and which are me being a giant weirdo. But for as long as I can remember, I've had this feeling like every part of my body that's possible to have a ribbon tied around it, has a ribbon tied around it. It's so weird. I can't see the other end of the ribbons - how far they go. where they're attached, nothing. And sometimes it's fine, because sometimes I can hardly feel them. I can forget about them for days at a time, weeks, months if I'm lucky. But then other times I can feel them like, pulling at me. It's freaking spooky, to have something pulling at you from somewhere you can't see. I can't tell if it's pulling me toward whatever it is? Or if it's trying to warn me? Or if I'm just insane??

Does that make sense? Does anybody else feel that way? (she asks into the void)

So idk I guess this ribbons-feeling is why I'm really careful all the time. Like I'm just a careful person. Charlie tried to give me a hard time about it, and I can't be like "I don't wanna pull back in the ribbons too hard without realizing it and wreck something!" because he'd be like "WTF Marin, do we need to get you help?" But also, more and more, I want to be the opposite of careful. I want to take a pair of comically oversized scissors and cut the ribbons into so many pieces that nobody can even tell what they are any more.

I don't know why I'm such a freak, only that I am. I don't know why I can't leave 7 Monolith, only that I can't. But there must be a reason, even if I can't see it, and I feel like it makes sense that the ribbons-feeling is part of that reason, right?

There's just a lot.

January 15, 2019

Happy new year! Lol I forgot to write on the actual first day of 2019, but OH WELL!

I got this new glitter nail polish, thanks to the monthly makeup subscription box my "mom" sends me as an outlet for her abandonment guilt. It has like, every color glitter imaginable without quite reading as "rainbow" which is fine just not really what I was in the mood for and it's vaguely halographic and shifts into all these different colors depending on the light. I'm obsessed. Anyway.

I was putting on another layer because I chipped it like 20 minutes into wearing it, and all of a sudden I had this feeling like I recognized the glitter? Like I felt this thing way deep in my gut and for a minute I couldn't breathe. It's the closest thing I've felt to how books and movies make Christmas look. Like I was home, with family, cookies and cider and all that stuff. Familiar and safe. I almost didn't recognize that feeling. And it came from the nail polish. How weird is that.

I mean, I don't want to make it sound like I've had this awful Charles Dickens childhood - Rose and Charlie are the best ever and always there for me and I love them a lot. But things never feel like...home. You know?

My mom always says this cryptic stuff about how I'm "special" and I wanna strangle her because I'm not, but you try getting my mom to stop doing anything she wants to do. Rose told me once that one day, I would "lead the charge into a new era of existence and access" because I'm "of the Source" and I was like uhhhh okay?? Charlie mostly treats me pretty normal, except when I ask him questions about our family. my mom or any Dram. He knows that I want to know more about them and he's my only real entrypoint, but apparently he's like the black sheep of that whole family. He and my mom were close way back right before I was born, but now whenever she comes to visit he barely even looks at her.

So that's to say: nobody tells me anything, ever.

January 16, 2019

Okay this is so weird. I wrote that entry yesterday about glitter and then last night I dreamed about glitter. Then I woke up with purple glitter in my bed?? Like not a lot, so at first I thought it was from my nail polish, but it was just a handful of purely purple glitter that looks nothing like my nail polish. SO WEIRD!!!!!!

February 14, 2019

Rose has an old book full of "ye olde" style fairy tales, and I flipped through it for the first time in forever today.

Not so weirdly, I've always been drawn to the story of Rapunzel.

Rapunzel couldn't leave the tower, or else she'd break her neck and die.

Same.

February 19, 2019

I was reading this article the other day in one of the teen magazines my "mom" gets me a subscription to and it was all about body positivity, which is great, but it was basically just like "wear a crop top if you wannna wear a crop top! it doesn't matter what size you are! You go, girl!" And like, sure. Yes. I am all for that. But doesn't it seem like there are some steps missing in there? Like, I can physically put on a crop top and wear it outside. But how do I convince myself that everybody isn't looking at me and making fun of me in their minds? How do I unlearn the last almost-fifteen years? How do I get actually positive about my body, not just put on a crop top and fight the urge to cry all day?

It's the same thing like when my mom sends me brochures from the CEO camp she ten when she was my age (her dad started the camp for her, which is an insane thing just by itself, but she did all the work, which is even more insane) and she's like "Marin, you lack direction for your life" and I'm like, cool mom. Yeah. I can see that. What I can't see is how to get there from here.

March 2, 2019

This is what I want my life to look like, volume 2:

The walls of my room are covered in Polaroids of me and my friends. There are lots of mirrors in all kinds of shapes. hearts and moons and stars. There's a record player and a lot of vintage records by Billie Holiday and Lena Horne and Peggy Lee and Nina Simone. And Christmas lights! Everywhere! Lots of of pink and purple Christmas lights everywhere.

If I lived in this room, I'd have so many friends and be part of so many clubs. My best friend would have a collection of vintage cameras, and every place we go to that has a photo booth, we'd get photos taken. Every time I'd look at myself in one of those mirrors, I'd feel happy at what I see and never weird or sad. (Jesse hates taking pictures, so even when I actually do normal stuff with her there's no evidence. What even is a life supposed to be without evidence? That's not an actual question you need to answer Jesse, it's just a question)

Anyway, if I lived in this kind of room, my mom would probably be like, an art history professor at a liberal arts college. That's how come everything looks so cool, because I would know stuff about art. My mom and I would love to try new recipes together. We get each other new cookbooks for every special occasion, and right now we're working out way through a Moroccan one. Moroccan Mondays.

In actuality, there's a dust storm happening outside and my eyes sting.

March 9, 2019

Here's what I'm obsessed with lately.

Can. You. EVEN???

February 3, 2020

Omg I totally forgot this blog existed!!

I lost the password and instead of just resetting it I got in one of my super stubborn moods (Taurus moon lol) and just kept putting in guesses and jokes on me, it locked me out. Anyway, that's a boring story.

But my friend Ximena is really good at hacking and stuff, so she got me back in. Yeah you read that right - I have friends. Obviously a lot has happened since my last post. Ximena moved out here a couple months ago (X's family used to live here but they moved away a while ago) and she introduced me to Lora who I sorta-not-really already knew, and Jesse and I have been hanging out with them a ton. Jesse kind of more than me. Which is fine!!

Anyway I'm 15 now? If I lived somewhere normal I'd be psyched about almost being 16, because I'd get a car and have a Sweet Sixteen and eat a huge PINK cake, but I don't!

February 16, 2020

I read this fanfic the other night that was written in the second person so everything was like "you." "you're doing this" etc you know?

So... You go to a drive-in movie with Heartthrob Boy, and he spills soda on you by accident. And you take off your shirt ( you have a tank top on, don't worry) to clean it up, bit you're still all sticky and self-conscious about being sticky and HTB like... used his tongue to get it off??? AAHHHHH I'M DISGUSTING

but also I wonder if a boy will ever touch any part of me with his tongue

March 2, 2020

Hi I don't know if you heard but I have friends :)))

March 15, 2020

I think I'm so into painting my nails and doing my hair because those are things that always fit. I don't have to worry about places not carrying about a size 8, or places that carry XLs but when you read the measurements they're actually size 8s too and it's like jesus if that's an XL what am I

My "mom" was confused why I needed new pants because mine still look new, but I showed her the thigh holes and she was like "that's a weird place for a hole, how did that happen" and I realized that when your legs are a certain size, you just don't know about thigh rub and what it does to clothes. Pants could just last for years.

No matter what, I can paint my nails with a different color nail polish on every finger, and I can always do a braid crown. And I know I'm cute as hell, etc, so this is not a Marin Needs to Learn to Love Herself thing. It's just an UGH thing

April 17, 2020

So Rose does all these Source experiments on plants and flowers and stuff. Tbh, it's just one if those things I hardly even register anymore because it's just always there. She's explained to me a million times what Source is/does/means, but the way Rose explains things sometimes is just a LOT to take in and she refers to me as a "child of Source" but I kinda figure that's like "child of God" right? What else would that mean?

But anyway, it's really annoying because dried flowers are a part of my new aesthetic and I pinned a bunch of them up on my wall but I woke up this morning to a freaking jungle of very alive flowers. I freaked out. on Rose, and she Rose said she didn't do it and I was like WELL THEN WHO DID and she said that I did??

Which like. Obviously that doesn't make sense. I asked her what she meant and She just shook her head and said " It's happening. We should have known" which is some horror movie shit that she refused to elaborate on. I love to feel safe and normal!!

Or maybe it's not a horror movie at all. But maybe it's a superhero movie? Maybe there's some kind of origin story I don't know about yet, and all of this will be worth it once I figure out my powers. I wonder what my costume will look like. Lol.

April 23, 2020

Is it possible to die from longing? I know that sounds melodramatic, but I'm also kinda serious?? Because it seems like one of those things that could fester and get infected and kill you. It's like when you fall down and bang up your knee, and you need to put a band-aid on the scrape for a while, but THEN you need to air it out - but how do you know when you're supposed to do each one of those things? And if you do either one too much, your knee gets infected. What if I smother my heart with band-aids for too long and it gets infected? This isn't about anybody. I just keep having these dreams about someone I never expected to have dreams about and they're so intense that they keep leaking into my life and I wonder if I need to do something about them.

May 2, 2020

So Jesse's gotten really into metal music, and I tried to get her to play me something since, AS PREVIOUSLY ESTABLISHED, that's what we've literally ALWAYS DONE with music and each other, and she kinda looked at Ximena out of the corner of her eye and said like "I don't think it's really your thing" And it was the meanest thing anybody's ever said to me.

So later I looked up Zenion, the band she was talking about, and I listened to every single fucking song they've ever recorded turned up as loud as it could go with my own headphones that are better than hers anyway, and I loved it. And I didn't love it just because she said I wouldn't. I loved it because it was loud and weird and wild and when I listened to it it made me feel like it's not crazy when so feel stuff so hard it's like my heart's gonna vibrate out of my body. And I would have told Jesse all this and we could have shared it, but I guess she thinks just because I like HTB and glitter and stuff, I don't have the capacity for anything else.

She clearly doesn't know me at all. So much for any kind of whatever, why would she ever want to kiss someone she clearly sees as like a stupid baby.

May 7, 2020

The dreams are getting weirder and they're happening more. I'm getting scared to go to sleep. Not that the dreams are always scary (they almost never are, or not scary like in a typically scary horror movie way). I mean, I've only ever been me. I don't know what other peoples' dreams are like.

The other night in one I was jumping on a trampoline, which is something I've never done in real life. I told Rose about it when I woke up, and she said "do you even know how to jump on a trampoline?" and I said "Rose, it's not like riding a bike. You don't have to learn. You just jump." and then we got into this whole thing about how some things we just know, and jumping's one of them, and how that's so weird. Sometimes I really like talking to Rose about stuff.

May 19, 2020

So, it's prom season in the real world. If I lived somewhere normal, my prom dress would be pink with lots of tulle and silk flowers at the shoulders, and it would fit perfectly and trying in dresses would be fun and not anxiety-inducing.

But since there are only like 10 teenagers currently in 7MV, were not having a homecoming. Cool.

May 27, 2020

So, mom came to visit this weekend, and I asked her about her prom. She was Typical Cecelia at first, very "Prom is a waste of time and money, Marin. It's a night when lesser people play dress-up to engage with their aspirations of grandeur." And I was like eyeroll forever and just stopped talking. BUT THEN she actually talked to me like a human being. She was like, "I actually didn't go to my prom" and when I asked her why she said that she didn't have a date, and was very self-conscious about it. I almost passed out at her admitting that she's ever been anything less than perfect.

(gonna continue this in reblog)

#omega mart #marin dram #omega mart lore

[stardustedknuckles]

Beauyasha prompt - bodyswap :D

In her defense, Beau had hit her head really hard in the earlier fight.

 So when she woke up in Yasha's room, she didn't question it as much as she might have. She always had the best dreams after getting the shit kicked out of her. Call it a perk.

 She stared at the flower mural on the walls surrounding her, noting the way they bent in a magic breeze and smiling to herself. She hadn't had black and white dreams until the night vision goggles, which was a weird side effect but rare enough.

 In spite of the monochrome, the flowers were incredibly detailed. It wasn't that they looked like real flowers, but that she could actually see the paintbrush strokes that made them up as they bent like real petals. Damn. That was cool.

 Beau wondered idly at which point in the dream Yasha was going to show up as reached out experimentally to touch a flower. She jumped as Yasha's calloused hand entered her periphery and turned. "Oh h-" She snatched her hand back, and - what. What was that. What was her voice doing. Why was the hand, full stop.

No really, what.

 Beau blinked for a long, long second. She put her hand back on the wall. Yasha's hand touched the flowers, unmistakably Yasha's hand. She couldn't dream that much detail into it, rubbed the fingers together and stared at the callouses.

 "Whaaaaat the fuck." There was the voice weirdness again, like she was speaking lower than usual. Which didn't make any sense, because the voice came out higher than it should have.

 Beau sat up, and there was a lot of her to sit up. Her hair was heavy and everywhere and when she reached up to touch the short bristles on the sides there came a knock from the door.

 "Hello?"

 Her brain was cramping, and all she could think to say was "Who is it?"

 A pause. "That's a very good question. Beau?"

 It sounded kind of like Yasha and it also very much did not sound like Yasha.

 But dream or no, there was really only one thing to do. Beau stood - and just kept standing. She was already taking a step before she was ready and she just managed to keep from making a very undignified sound as she crashed to the floor with a thump that was definitely more impressive than any thump she'd made before.

 Silence, then, "That happened to me too. Just stay there, I'm coming in." Beau blinked up at the door and watched it open to reveal…her. Her body, wrapped in a sheet held fisted shut in the front and her night vision goggles on. She looked down at Beau - but not far enough down - and said, "I think something happened. Is that you, Beau?"

 Beau nodded dumbly. "Yasha?" Oh the voice thing was going to drive her fucking bonkers.

 "Yes." Yasha the compact wonder pulled the cord to turn the lights on and took off the goggles. She looked around, then back to Beau. "I didn't look."

 Beau squinted at her and sat up - yep, very fucking incorrect. "What?"

 She watched her body tug at the sheet in demonstration. "I saw…I woke up very confused, but I pulled the sheet on and came to find you."

 "Oh," Beau said faintly. She reached a hand to grasp her shoulder, was relieved to find shirt material. And a frankly staggering amount of muscle. "Holy shit." She moved her (large) hand down her (huge) bicep and squeezed before remembering herself. "Sorry. Um. You look good."

 Five foot five of incorrect winced. "I don't think I have the ability to process that right now. Maybe later." She paused. "Beau, are you always like this?"

 She sounded awed. Beau grinned. "Horny? Yeah. It's distracting, right?"

 Wrong Beau eyed her. "Don't get cocky." She made another face. "Beau, I think half of your confidence is stored in here."

 Beau blinked. "I mean have you seen me?"

 "Okay," said the tiny ghost drowning in white fabric. She tucked the goggles into the same fist holding the sheet and offered her free hand. "We need to go find Caduceus."

 Beau took the hand - holy shit, nice grip, wrong size - and made it about two feet off the ground before momentum fucked them over.

 "Shit," they said simultaneously. Beau's thump was still louder.

 They got up individually, carefully. For the first time, Beau noticed diadem in her - her - gods dammit - the undercut. "Huh," she said.

 Her tiny mirror looked up. "Can you walk?"

 Beau shifted her weight. If she stopped trying to move the way she was used to, Yasha's body seemed to follow its own kind of gait. "I think so."

 "Okay. Let's go get Caduceus." A small hand reached for hers. Beau took it without question and they made it all the way to the hall before either of them noticed.

 "Beau," said not-Beau. "I think your body has a mind of its own."

 "I keep telling people, and they never listen."

 "I have a headache."

 "Yeah," said Beau. "That's almost as common as the other thing, honestly."

 It was weird - everything looked completely and totally wrong until she looked right at it, and then it was fine. Thankfully the trip to Caduceus's door was a short one, and Beau knocked with her big hand (and then took another moment to stare at it).

 "Should we try the next one?"

 Beau nodded. "Yeah let's do it."

 They pushed open the first door and walked in. The world went black and white just as Yasha - it was a tentative naming, but it held - tripped over a chair leg and fell hard. "Sorry!"

 "What for?" Beau reached down and hauled her up effortlessly - which, yeah she was gonna need a few days to process that.

 Yasha-Beau groped for the sheet that had fallen when she did and pulled it back around herself. Beau couldn't actually be sure if her face was always that dark in black and white. "I didn't mean to -" her arms made a very Yasha motion that looked uncanny in her body - "you know, I'm not trying to show you off to everyone."

 Beau opened her mouth, closed it again. "I appreciate the gesture. Caduceus!" She picked up Yasha with one arm just to see if she could - boy, could she - and walked them to the other side of the room.

 The door opened before she could pound on it and possibly break it, and Caduceus blinked at them, his hand leaving the door to worry at the top of his other one. He looked tired, bowed a bit with sleep.

 "Okay don't freak out," Beau said. She set Yasha down as an afterthought and immediately wanted to pick her up again. Maybe Yasha was onto something with the body brain thing. Focus. "Something happened, I think. Uh. Yasha and I - Beau - fuck man, we're in the wrong bodies, please help."

 Caduceus looked back and forth between them. His ear twitched and he startled. "Well," he said, strained. Beau squinted at him. "You are both suddenly much smaller."

 The Zemnian accent was unmistakable.

 "Fuck," said Beau.

 Caleb-Caduceus nodded sagely and glanced at his tail when it twitched. "Fuck," he agreed.

#asked and answered #beauyasha #beauregard lionett #yasha #caleb widogast #okay I think I have kicked the brain weasels in the ass for tonight #thank y'all so much

[vaguely-concerned]

X-men Evolution; the great 2021 rewatch liveblog

exactly what it says on the tin, about halfway through the show I had TOO MANY FEELINGS and had to start writing some of them out haha (gets quite gambit & rogue/gambit heavy in the latter half, Because of Who I Am as a Person)

- this is my childhood’s x-men, my formative experience with them, and I’m happy to report that still seems like a good thing. the little eleven year old within me gets to geek out and have a good time with the characters and the surprisingly good animation and writing, adult me gets to CACKLE at regular intervals at the fashion/technology/absolute bonkers hot garbage comic book nonsense they use to justify a storyline every now and then, it’s been a good time 

- I was like ‘ah well it is super dated it probably won’t be quite the same now’ and then rogue’s HAIR did the THING in the opening and ‘it’s all coming back to me now’ started playing in the background... the little baby queer in me swooning across time and space

- such a good beast, both his design and the writing, my heart aches for him all the time. he’s just so passionate! about being a teacher! helping young humans learn the stuff they’ll need in life! the most wonderful nerd man, just let good things happen for him

- I’m going to go ahead and assume that rogue’s ‘crush’ on scott is more of a deeply complex psychological process about desiring normalcy and intimacy and trying to figure out if she’s queer and dealing with her emerging sexuality and latching on to the first and best safely unavailable and nonthreatening older boy to project these issues onto rather than actually being a real thing, because I respect her so much as a person and I cannot bring myself to imagine she’s honestly attracted to a man who has POSTERS OF CARS on his bedroom wall. (I’ll give jean a break just because she seems to have a longer deeper history with him that might counteract some of that libido-kill, and also she’s a jock so lol)

like I am very sorry but can u imagine being a teenage girl with any interest in a boy with model cars in his bedroom when gambit’s swanning around being a much, much, much worse choice on almost every possible level but in a teen girl kryptonite kind of way? inconceivable  

(I drag scott quite a few times in this and it’s not because I don’t love him, it’s just his tragedy to be the most draggable man in the world)

to be fair by the time gambit shows up that whole Situation has mostly played itself out I suppose but still  

- toad’s design is so ineffably brilliant, I can’t quite tell you why but that ugly cute charm has really stuck with me, he’s one of the characters I remembered the best to this day just visually

- poor evan... he truly never had a chance, did he, they just saddled him with the most 90s teen bullshit they could come up with like he’s some kind of ‘what adult writers think teens like’ frankenstein’s monster ;______; it’s not your fault honey

- poor poor POOR storm, she gets one focus episode and they were like ‘we’re going to make an episode so racist -- ‘

I’m still STUNNED at how bad it was, but undeniably I laughed hysterically to the point that my neighbours were probably worried when that dude was earnestly like ‘He [stunningly breathlessly racist caricature of a ‘witch doctor’ guy] has stolen her powers, and he’s going to use them to take over Africa!!!’ fhajsdlfhsakjldfh oh really? tell me more, like how the fUCK this could be on television within my life time fasdlfhsdkjfhsad f  just... fahjksdfh

- it’s a testament to gambit’s appeal as a character that his charm can survive what they’ve done with his hair and beard choices in this one fajskfhs regrettable but true I still fuckn LOVE him and in my highly biased yet Correct opinion he should have been around much more. get you a man who manages to stay hot through sheer Vibes even with a bowl cut

- aw scott/jean is kind of sweet in this show even if it’s taking them forEVER to get there, I like it 

- it’s very nice of rogue to not mention magneto’s romantic daydreams and nostalgic memories about charles xavier after touching his face that one time... or maybe her brain did her a service and repressed it, there’s some stuff you shouldn’t have to know about your father figure   

- the danger room is the very definition of ‘why do we even have that lever’ and I wonder what the fuck prof x does to have enough money to replace everything that gets busted all the time

- I’d say that a lot of the writing holds up surprisingly well! (but some of it is also incredibly inexcusably racist in ways that beggar belief, so... not full marks here) the characters have distinct voices and their arcs are set up and delivered on solidly for the most part, and there’s a lot of love showing through in small moments that are just there to have a funny/interesting thing to say about the characters and how their powers work separately and in combination. listen, sometimes I get so thirsty for like. basic goddamn competency in storytelling, let me have this

- ugggggh why is there captain america in my x-men have I not suffered enough... very very funny when prof x goes ‘sounds like you knew rogers personally’ and logan is like ‘I did ;)’ *all the students ganging up on steve rogers* “did you fuck our teacher, captain america?!”

- fskadfhas WHY are you showing me hot young-ified magneto’s ass fksjahfskj charles is not even here to see it, what a tragic waste erik 

- ...I was sort of kidding before but uh I think logan genuinely did fuck captain america (or at least wishes very much that he did lol)

- wanda can have a little watching the world burn. as a treat for the way every single adult in her life has fucking failed her (’aren’t they treating you well here’ professor x she’s in a straightjacket)  

- poor rogue tho can you imagine finding out after your biggest crush on a girl yet that she’s your fucking MOM in disguise... I would break out in cold sweat every time I thought about a boob forever after

- well seems like they really just had all that homoerotic rivalry stuff between quicksilver and spyke in their first ep only to never do anything with that again ever?? I mean even without the gay undertone that seems like a dynamic you spent most of an episode setting up writers what the hell haha

- dslhfkasjlh GAMBIT THERE HE IS MY BOY IS ON THE SCENE THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!! I don’t even care about his awful hair situation or the fact that his eyes are wrong here (coloured contact lenses, maybe, for a watsonian explanation? though he’d probably have to get them made special, considering he needs the sclera and the iris covered up in different ways, I’ve seen some comic panels indicating he has been known to?)

(cute little detail: when he shuffles the cards the first time we see him he ends with removing the top card to show the ace of hearts beneath <3 foreshadowing baBEY he’s a... good-ish boy deep down. hey he tries okay shit gets complicated sometimes lol) 

- cracking UP at gambit perched cheerily on the edge of a crate dispensing cards in the middle of the battle... he’s like ‘eh it’s a livin’ sfsajkhf remy stop working for supervillains just because you had nothing to do on a thursday afternoon and they said they’d pay you

- I’m guessing magneto must have imposed a strict order of silence on these guys or something because I cannot imagine any other reason for him to shut up, especially once he notices rogue is a QTE (or, far more likely, they hadn’t settled on any voice actors for the new characters until next season haha. it is kind of odd that they’re all keeping up near monastic silence, though, even sabertooth lol) 

- WHAT an epic first meeting for us rogue/gambit fans here... first his shadow like there’s fireworks going off behind him lighting him up and then he gives her the fuckn king of hearts and she’s so enchanted by his dumb handsome face she doesn’t even notice it’s about to blow up in her hands and it all happens in heavily meaningful silence afjsdfjashjk no wonder this ship ingrained itself in my hindbrain  

yeah look smug while you can remy she’s gonna have you on your knees one day and you’ll be happy about it lol

- god storm is so COOL, everything just fading out of focus when she really gets going... give her more screen time, show!!

- mystique is every person... this person... that person... that bird... that cat... that wolf... I’m not even sure she’s not also me... are you sure she’s not you? 

- holy fuck I respect the hell out of the decision to just... blow up the entire status quo in a season ender, I only vaguely remembered that (actually in general I appreciate how good the continuity is -- buildings and places that get damaged in battles need to be repaired or rebuilt, it makes the consequences feel more real even when no one gets seriously hurt. where they get the money to restore scott’s car and logan’s motorbikes every time they go cablooie is still an open question tho lol is it credit card fraud, professor? is it telepathically acquired blackmail???) 

- I first watched this when I was nine or so, so it’s a real experience to go from my starry eyed intrigued ‘oh my god... they’re teenagers’ to my horrified adult perspective of ‘oh my god... they’re TEENAGERS D:’

that goes double for the brotherhood boys honestly, I’m here with tears in my eyes like ‘I’m sorry the system has failed you so badly you’re all just a bunch of dumb kids whose caretakers clearly fucked up spectacularly’  

like lance is always waiting for mystique to come back because she’s the closest thing he has to a safe parental figure, may we speak about how crushingly depressing that is 

- rogue is so ready to throw hands at literally any moment and for that I love and treasure her immensely (I think getting to see her be so surly and unreasonable and sometimes difficult and jealous, like any teenager, meant a lot to me as a kid who was not really allowed to be any of these things, this version of the character has stayed with me so deeply. she holds on so fiercely to her right to feel what she feels and be what she is even when it’s ‘ugly’ or unreasonable, which I think plays in really interestingly with how her powers involve getting invaded by other people’s thoughts and memories to the point of overwhelming her own sense of self and the fact that she clearly has a lot of self-loathing and self-consciousness and confusion about her identity as well. I love her so much)  

- oooof this is the ‘the gang experience a microaggression’ episode huh (well more like macroagressions really)

hits a bit different with adult eyes and perspective huh

- hearing jean sound almost like a child when she says ‘that’s so unfair!’ somehow has me like ;______; -- she has to be so adult and responsible all the time, and having her be reduced to the kid she still is and should get to be in front of this awful awful man she could squash like a bug with the flick of a thought... ugh I’m Big Sad (it is funny that jean seemingly plays Every Sport tho djfhaskj)

- MY BOY IS BACK!!! this time with the duster coat and his eyes the right colour, im so happy (too bad about the subdued colour scheme tho; I adore his dumb bright pink getup with my whole heart)

it’s kind of adorable that he takes the time to take the bullies aside and go ‘I know these guys can’t wreck you without getting expelled, but I think you’ll find no law set down by god or man would stop me from doing so whenever I wanted to. so piss off and leave them alone’ lol he’s looking out for them, in his own way

- in this episode: remy lebeau wrangles some kids while looking bored yet mildly amused the whole time. what the fuck does magneto have on you for you to agree to this level of babysitting duty buddy

- fun detail I noticed b/c when I get a fave I hyperfixate: he gave rogue the king of hearts before, but he ‘introduces’ himself to the brotherhood here (lol) with the jack of hearts, probably to symbolize he’s here as someone who works for magneto in this setting and not as his own man? it’s a demotion he’s given himself there, anyway, might be he’s not very pleased about his current position huh 

- I like it when rogue and kitty team up, they’re not very effective together but their squabbling is so cute and non-aggressive 

- pietro is what draco malfoy would be if I ever found malfoy interesting to watch for even one moment, every time quicksilver talks I’m like ‘what wonderfully insufferable thing is going to come out of your mouth this time you little shit :’)’

- a) why are scott and logan shirtless for this scene? I am not complaining on the logan side of things at least but why and b) I laughed so hard I almost fell off my couch when scott asked logan if he’d ever been in love and he was like ‘once. she was the most beautiful bike I ever saw’ falsdfhaskjfhsakjlfhasklhjfd THE BEST VERSION OF WOLVERINE EVER, ACCEPT NO SUBSTITUTES 

- mystique’s sheer dedication to being a petty bitch is kind of inspirational tbh, almost makes me want to go on a completely bonkers and extra crusade of personal revenge myself  

- oooh they’re doing some genuinely cool things with vision/lack of vision in this one (it’s the scott left on his own in the desert without glasses one btw) even visually, dang! I’m so sad this show didn’t get more seasons than it did, honestly, it deserved it

- hell yeah jean wreck her, go get your man with the suspiciously specific clothing damage normally done to female characters 

awww :’) okay yeah they’re super sweet, I love the tiny loving animation details like how he leans his head against her and her stroking his hair away from his eyes

- nooo don’t bully evan leave my t0tally r4dical sk8er boy alone :(

- I love the running joke of people fleeing in blind panic only to reveal that what they’re running from is kitty’s cheerful well meaning little face fskfaskh 

- scott and jean are already peak married after officially being together for one episode and it’s adorable, and they just stone cold threw logan under the bus, rip wolverine we hardly knew ya

fjasdlfasldfhslajdkfhsadkjlfhsdkjalfhsdakfh h jean establishing herself as the alphabitch of this relationship by throwing her man to the wolves right after dsjfhaskjfhaskjhfsakjdhfaskjhfaskdhfskjahfskdajhf get smarter or get volunteered scott 

- ...eyepatch lady is so hot ngl

oh evan went to the place hank used to go to calm down ;________; (honestly he’s kind of won a place in my heart just by being a pretty normal teenage boy haha)

- jesus fucking CHRIST can you imagine being storm having to look her sister in the eye as she tells her ‘I lost your only child, he’s *vague gesture* somewhere in the sewers we think’ this poor woman

- amanda the self admitted monster fucker you are so VALID (I love her and her family’s design so much tho!)

- it’s so cool that even in his human ‘disguise’ kurt’s fingers follow the shape of his actual hand beneath it rather than moving like a five fingered hand, it’s such a lovingly consistent little detail 

- magneto and mystique in a breathless race to see who can be the shittiest parent... tune in next week for yet another parental nadir (also some low-poly gambit appearances in this one, for those at home keeping score (me), he’s in the background looking like someone drew him with their eyes closed fakjldfhasd look how they massacred my boy)

- someone please teach the brotherhood boys about consent huh

- jean ‘soccer mom before her time’ grey and her SUV dfhakjlhds :’)

- im sobbing rogue baby girl i’m so sorryyyyyy, this voice actress is so good, my parental instincts suddenly kicked into overdrive hearing the crack in her voice :( (bb me was right tho rogue centric episodes ARE the best episodes. that tension between ‘do I identify witn this character or am I crushing on her?? both???’ now has the fun new addition of ‘oh god oh no you are a baby I want to shield you with my body from everything trying to hurt you’)

- mystique is like ‘so you see despite you telling me you never wanted to see me again I completely disrespected that and posed as a friend your age, manipulated you by offering you the mirage of direly needed emotional intimacy and belonging and added some sprinkles of homoerotic tension to it just to massively worsen your already existing grievous psychosexual trauma and identity issues... out of love’

god go jump in a black hole you fucking monster 

- there’s some very interesting and quite subtle subtext about the people she’s morphing into and what that says about her mental state/how it shows off some of her emotional baggage with the rest of the team. it’s like she’s switching between people/powers that fit the purpose as if she’s going through cycles of fight/flight (and then bursts of freeze where she’s herself, which is... so sad)

- this whole episode is hurting my heart but rogue at full power is undeniably epic  

 - ‘professor x get your goddamn act together and get this poor girl some fucking tHERAPY’ challenge

- SAFE PAPA LOGAN ;_____;

- EYYYYYY opening straight on My Lad, I cannot stop winning!!!!! 

fasdfhsad disintegrating the window with a smiley face... remy I do love you more than my heart can bear honestly, hello may we speak about the fact that his urge to be a little shit is so deep and strong it survives mind control (that little breathed out ‘hiah!’ as he vaults the fence too dsakfjsd)

hahaha and he does up the coat fhsalfdsaj 

- magneto dismissing other telepaths like ‘puh-lease, your Meaningful Looks have got nothing on my ex-husband’s’ 

- :’) rogue and kurt sibling timeees

- say what you want but this pyro guy’s got job satisfaction in being a creepy arsonist with a weird recurring horse theme (well at least twice but still weird)

- I love how beast is the kindest man to ever walk the earth but also straight up savage, this man drags people so hard their ancestors wince in their graves

- gambit taking the time to complete the guard’s game of solitaire -- this episode is giving me everything I want. u little disgrace mr lebeau

and THEN he takes the spider out in the most hilariously bonkers way my heart is so FULL

(I love that when magneto moves by he looks startled and has to quickly move his head out of the way to avoid getting kicked in the temple too that’s a fun detail)

I’m so INTO how this sequence shows off that his greatest strength isn’t even his powers (which are pretty straightforward, really, he makes go boom, longer time and bigger thing bigger boom) but that he’s clever and creative and always extremely ready to be the most harebrained-bananapants-extra-in-a-deceptively-laidback-sort-of-way person in the room (I actually have some genuinely Deep Thoughts about how his whole character does a really interesting thing with having the straightforwardly destructive nature of his powers yield to what his nature as a person is, and how using the playing cards play (heh) into it, maybe I’ll write it out some day. just the fact that he could use anything, but he deliberately chose something that adds style and playfulness and corny charm to it and that also limits the damage of the explosions compared to if he habitually used something with more mass... I find it fascinating how much he’s made a story around himself with it and how deeply it shows he does have a good heart, at the end of the day, in almost a metatextual way. he doesn’t want to destroy things or people, he’s at worst (and best lol) a thief.)

- I honestly have literally no memory of white nick fury (which seems so weird now isn’t it funny) in this series from when I was a kid, he clearly did not make an impression on me lol

- mr wolverine ‘assigned canadian at birth’ x-men 

- oh man I dig the androgynity of x-23′s outfit (even tho they had to compensate with the long hair, which... kind of doesn’t make sense in-universe but does on a design level because it’s a crucial thing that she’s a female clone of logan so yeah okay fine whatever have your arbitrary gender markers if you must haha)

ooooooh that’s actually really clever, they make her gender gradually more obvious as she unravels through the episode and her outfit changes -- first the mask coming off, and then her jacket opening to show her silhouette more clearly, that’s cool!  

- my god what really sets this show apart is how much it invests in little character and relationship moments, it’s just so fucking GOOD! it gives laura looking in on those moments such depth and weight because it’s new to her but established to us as an audience, this is how you make found family devastating people (storm growing bonsai trees is so charming too haha) 

- ooof this is honestly quite harrowing 

SHE’S SO SMALL COMPARED TO HIM I’M CRYING (at least that part of his genes translated over faslkfsjdh short king, I say this with all the love and support of a fellow short monarch)  

- tabitha seems to just be running around doing precisely whatever the fuck she wants and you know what I support her even if she is an asshole her father left her a bunch of trauma and no fucks left to give 

- still thrilled about professor x explaining the spider key fuckup to magneto after the fact like ‘magnus you dumb bitch this is why we split up’ 

- awww kitty has anime and movie posters on her wall and sleeps with a stuffed toy :’)

-          remy                           rogue

                              🤝

doing completely unnecessary parkour around the brotherhood living room seemingly just for the hell of it... I’m not saying soulmates but fucking soulmates 

- fhsadkjlfhsakjldfhsadjkfhsdajkfh just as gambit’s soul-level need to be a little shit survived his bout of mind control, rogue’s deep and urgent desire to kiss gambit full on the mouth survived hers I can’t breathe

she looks so pleased with herself too GOOD FOR YOU GIRL at least get something out of this other than more trauma 

also not only the fact that he’s smart enough to figure out what’s going on (though he’s only partially right about who’s behind it. I do so enjoy gambit/mystique deep and sincere antipathy as a constant across all universes tho lmao pure wlw/mlm hostility) but also that he keeps fending her off like he’s not trying to hurt her even though she’s in nigh on unstoppable and invulnerable terminator mode... awww 

- gambit having absolutely no patience for wolverine and sabertooth’s bullshit macho-off and consistently being this little biker trio’s one brain cell is adding years to my life with every passing moment

his voice is a little different in these scenes too, a bit softer and less like he’s trying to impress someone, it’s nice

- hank: well I barely recognize any of these (completely made up) ‘ancient egyptian hieroglyphs’ but from what I can make out -- *proceeds to infodump a perfect coherent narrative* fjdhfak  

listen this whole thing is such nonsense on so many levels, I’m just turning my brain off so I won’t have to think about it okay, the compulsion to put ancient aliens in egypt haunts us as a culture 

- I am CACKLING about gambit in the snow after having to listen to these two chucklefucks ooze testosterone at each other for hours

he started out taking it in good cheer and is now reduced to ‘dieu would both of you just jump off this fUCKING mountain please’

- ah. a little oops-a-daisy there, we seem to have unleashed the apocalypse. please stand by (they really don’t pull their punches with the season cliffhangers in this show haha)

- opening the season on gambit’s merrily grinning face is the easiest way to gain my favour. yes good this season may commence 

baby u r my

 ANGELLLLLLLL

(he’s so cute here tho haha I think it shows the design isn’t unsalvagable, just get him better hair and stubble more like logan has and you’ve basically got it) 

love his exasperated eyeroll when the dude gets spooked (by his eyes? or just the general weirdness?) too

he’s just trying to keep this crazy family of evil mutants together and unmurdered by one another until they’ve managed to avert the end of the world, bless him  

- oh NO rogue’s LIP wobbles my hhhhhheart ;____; such a good animation detail to put in

- like... I know kurt is just a sad scared teenager with a lot of shit going on and all the adults are too busy averting the end of the world to help him... but buddy maybe don’t ask your sister to wake her abuser (who forced her to kickstart the end of the world!!!!!) when she feels utterly unsafe even with her statue version around huh

- ...wanda is good and I want only good things for her. and for her dad to be disemboweled for what he did to her both the first time around and when he forced her to forget I mean what 

- magneto throwing an epic satelite-slinging tantrum b/c ‘no I am the biggest sexiest strongest mutant of the pack :(’... erik fucking get over yourself 

- yes boys absolutely go along with a plan suggested by a dude who looks at you like this 

nothing bad can come of this surely asdfkhsa

- lance’s quarter of a braincell always trying to go ‘hey wait, maybe... not do this???’ and it never helps lol

- in this episode: Logan Has A Bad Day 

...some very specific bondage positions he’s held in here, I am sure this episode awakened something in someone once upon a time lol 

- logan shielding x-23 with his body... im fine it’s okay I’m not crying don’t look at me

- afsdhlsdfjasdlk those sure are some ‘scottish’ accents flsadkjhkdsjahfsd

- scott relieved to finally be able to cede the position of ‘charles xavier’s least favourite son’ to someone else fjsaklfhsajd (poor scott it’s not your fault honey)

supremely cowardly to suggest there is an ex-wife involved rather than charles slutting his way around the british isles back in the day but okay

- kurt with a cold is the cutest thing I’ve ever seen. it’s okay kid it’ll get better soon

- ...is there an implication here that professor x is naturally blond. because I am losing my entire little mind about it (i mean he at least has to carry the gene, as does this lady?)

ETA: upon doing some research into this I can indeed confirm that charles xavier does seem to be naturally blond, and after this knowledge I will never be the same 

- “listen, dracula” fskdafghasd oh scott you sweet baby angel I love you

- I know jean’s abilities are a bit ‘as strong or as weak as the plot needs right now’ at this point (so you can have the setup for what’s going to happen with them eventually and she’s basically invincible ;____;), and normally I’m cool with it but god I want her to just squash lucas like a little bug

- ewwwww please don’t ever say ‘daddy’ like that again

- ...what the fuck is even going on this episode’s a mess 

like okay the split personality thing could be something but the way it’s done... what just happened lol

- MY BOY EVAN IS BACK! with a real glowup too (...though kind of weird how he suddenly looks like a grown man)

- augh scott’s eyes are so pretty oh my god ;__________________________;

- that episode in the first season where evan makes the ‘this is my new family!!’ video is so sad now (also, again, his poor poor parents) 

- time for: life affirming road trip with gambit (involuntary) faskljdfhaskjd

stunt therapist remy lebeau 

- I mean the way he goes about it is batshit insane and it’s very much secondary to what he’s actually up to but this is the first time rogue’s sounded genuinely hopeful and confident and like herself in like a season <3 

- he is disconcertingly pleased about her nearly throwing him off the train, and may I just say I agree it’s so nice to see rogue with her old fire back 

- the first time I watched this it was of course dubbed into norwegian, so I had no idea either of these characters were southern lol (though to be fair I probably wouldn’t have had much context for what it meant exactly either, I was like ten at the time and not too interested in america) I seem to dimly remember the norwegian voice actor did a little more of a ‘french’-tinged accent for gambit all over tho haha  

- you know what respect where it’s due, pyro dude knows to live his life for the lols and one has to admire his sociopathic dedication to it

interesting that he, too, seems to have fucking hated magneto -- I wonder if the implication here is that he kept all the acolytes in line with blackmail or by keeping something/one hostage? (except sabertooth maybe he’d just have to say ‘you get to fuck shit up and fight wolverine’ and that’d be enough)

- fsdakfhsd he’s so focused on her he doesn’t notice that guy about to hit him fkafhsa 

- fuck everything else except whatever the hell these two’ve got going on

- it’s weirdly cathartic to have rogue have a conversation with someone who was not happily adopted as well, I don’t think kurt like. gets it because his parents loved him unconditionally and still do 

birds of a feather motherfucker  

- fun detail: when the x-men team are on the shore and logan is sniffing around scott is stepping in something and trying to wipe it off his boots in the background

- when he wakes up after passing out from the touch he’s smiling even though she’s standing over him looking like the rage of god outlined by the moon fsajfsa well the last time he passed out like that it was from a kiss, maybe he still has some hopes and dreams in that direction lol (also he recovers from the tumble down the hill first and is checking on her before accidentally brushing her cheek with his hand, which I thought was sweet) 

and it was in that moment he knew he fucked up *passes out*

- ‘I can explain’ can u remy. can u  

- did it ever even occur to you to just. ask her. to help you. I mean I know it didn’t but like rogue’s always one second away from throwing hands with some bully and is stupidly ride or die, if you’d given her the puppydog eyes she would have crumbled immediately (fair enough I guess this entire episode is telling us he’s not from a background where he has much experience with people just helping him without a price haha) 

- his eyes glowing when he’s angry or upset or using a lot of his power is undeniably cool as all hell. I’m just saying it would be Big Sexy if they sort of flickered with light in moments of genuine vulnerability okay  

- his coat... his coat is what makes the Silhouette tm and I could not be happier about it 

- another parent of the year contestant enters the running lol “hey remy have you ever considered that you’re more of a walking bomb factory than a person? that’s certainly how I think of you hahaha c’mon kid let’s go” 

- the running joke of jean luc getting dollar signs in his eyes seeing the other mutant powers and gambit being like ‘nO!!!!’ and pulling him along is amazing haha

- from the way he looks when he touches rogue accidentally and the way he talks to his dad I’m sort of getting the feeling this gambit might actually be a bit younger than he looks?

here too -- idk why but it’s making the ‘wait is he baby???’ alarms go off in my head haha. very early twenties at most. 

- and we’ve officially seen him with all the face cards in the heart suit folks! (yes this is the sort of thing my brain notices no I don’t know either)

- poor logan running his ass off this whole episode in a panic and then she’s like ‘nah he’s fine (in several meanings of the word ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) ) please put him down’ hfaskfsda

- rogue without makeup!!! her eyes look so naked like this haha <3

- oooh here’s a really interesting thing that tickles my brain a bit in this specific part of the scene where gambit frees his dad -- the part where he’s leaning against the door frame waiting for jean luc, who’s about to suggest using the opportunity to ruin the rival gang from the inside rather than slipping away while they still can

from his expression here he knows what’s about to happen, what jean luc is about to say, and it’s clearly a ‘man who thought he’d lost all hope loses last additional bit of hope he didn’t even know he still had’ sort of situation. he KNOWS what jean luc is like, and it still hurts that he really, honestly can’t give him even this, can’t appreciate that remy’s already done all this shit for him when he extremely didn’t have to, without immediately (no really, it took him less than ten seconds to go there? jesus) demanding more.  

remy tells him “I’m just here for you” and jean luc does not understand it. remy seems to be sincere in this motivation -- rogue certainly thinks so, having experienced it second hand and found enough at least emotional merit in it to decide he was worth saving even after all his bullshit (lol a bit of a running theme maybe. I think it’s very telling that after she absorbed mystique she was like ‘what the FUCK you’re a fucking monster’, and after she absorbed gambit she went ‘you did the wrong thing for the right reasons’ after she got over the first wave of outrage) 

there’s also what he says as he stands there: “You don’t need me for that”, with the distinct implication that jean luc would only keep him around because he has a use for him and for no other reason -- and then jean luc shamelessly doubles down on that by specifying that it’s not even him he’s got a use for as such, just his powers. that’s some kicking puppies level of deliberately missing the point, it’s almost impressive in how cheerfully mean it is haha

this idea of using people is really important in this episode because remy’s doing basically exactly the same thing to rogue to begin with; it doesn’t really matter to his plan that it’s her that’s with him through this, just what her powers are. (I think it’s  p r e t t y  solidly implied that he does actually like her a lot outside of that too and maybe there is some comfort in having her around for this, but mostly he’s behind a smokescreen of lies through the whole thing sooo I doubt he’s even aware of it, honestly)     

but then it does matter that it’s her when she comes back for him, even after what he did. and unlike jean luc he understands what that means, that she did that for him, and that she didn’t have to. and instead of asking her for more, in return he gives her the thing it’s been established is what he considers the most valuable thing he has; his ‘last card’, the thing he’s credited with keeping him alive many a time, basically. it’s gone from using to mutuality, a tentative place of friendship, and at the end of the day he is a different man than his adoptive father, with a capacity for selflessness and love he lacks. which is of course some of the same stuff going on with rogue and mystique too, except rogue acted from a more fragile and unstable place and did something she regrets, or at least has a LOT of doubts about now, and she found some catharsis in helping someone make a different choice in a similar situation. man there’s some Stuff going on under the surface here haha

(by the way it’s a weirdly... meaningless yet intensely meaningful thing, the gifting of a symbol? of an idea? but he’s putting something very crucial of himself into her hands, is the subtext, and he expects her to understand, which she also does seem to do. at the beginning of the episode he’s proving that he’s seen something true about her -- “You’re such an unhappy girl”, knowing where she comes from, the way she’s mourning her lost confidence and autonomy with her abilities -- and here she’s proving she’s seen something true about him. :’) I wish this show had gone on long enough for this dynamic to progress, it’s really interesting and touching)   

- gambit dragging himself up onto dry land seeing someone approaching (to help?!): :D

gambit seeing that it’s logan and the look on his face: D: 

- rogue using her powers so confidently and fearlessly in this episode tho!!!! 

- *me crying* and then her FAMBILY comes to take her home and he says he’s looking out for her too and kurt still loves her even though they’re having a conflict thing between them and she’s finally able to use her powers without so much fear again and --

- ...did I just watch some baby lesbian love at first sight shit right now???  

- okay last two episodes let’s go

- HELL YEAH STORM (I love that she’s like ‘don’t give me a dumb order like that and I won’t have to disobey it’ too sdfjsaj) her voice has such command I’m usually very much not the ‘step on me’ type butttt

- y’know I feel like apocalypse’s main fault across all versions I’ve seen of him is that he’s like an immortal superpowered god king and he’s not even sexy. like at least make him hot if he’s going to be insufferable in every other way 

- also callout post for apocalypse: one time he made gambit into the Horseman of Death... and didn’t even make him sexy!!! you were handed remy lebeau, supreme bi disaster slut of the x men universe, and you couldn’t even make his brainwashed superpowered evil side hot?? a beautiful stubbled twunk with glowing red eyes and extremely charming :> face practically delivers himself into your hands and you do that to him???? I mean I’m sure apocalypse did some other bad stuff too but that was the worst one

(comics are so dumb y’all) 

- having to watch jean cry is emotional terrorism!! ;___; she has such older sister/mom energy, whenever she gets sad and helpless it hurts 

- oh, OH so PROFESSOR X you’ll make into a hunk and ~*strategically*~ rip his clothes to show off a nipple and a flawless pec in a way that makes me extremely uncomfortable because he’s like The Dad??? apocalypse you are rotten to the core this is unforgivable 

- so wait wanda never actually gets her real memories back. what the FuCk I hope that was a dropped storyline because they ended the show tragically prematurely rather than like. the plan

- why is spyke calling storm ‘storm’ show that’s his auntie o!! >:(

- as a society we need to acknowledge that apocalypse looks like a fucking clown

- ooooh yeah I have been thinking that this show’s greatest visual weakness so far has been not having a visual way to show telepathy/battles of the minds, but this is a pretty cool way to do it! better late than never

- I’m so happy rogue gets to end this herself, since she was forced into starting it against her will, it’s just nice and neat storytelling

- YEAH FUCKING TELL HER KURT AND ROGUE I AM SO PROUD OF YOU and she has the temerity to look pissed off oh my god

the only valid thing mystique has done in her entire life is be in love with destiny. literally everything else she gets up to is a travesty. like I know objectively she’s hot but my loathing for her stops me from even appreciating it. I do enjoy loathing her tho so please don’t change her haha

(a bit odd to have kurt’s attitude to her swing so much but I’m just going to assume he and rogue had a good long conversation after ‘cajun spice’ and that he understands what’s going on better now)

- this last part is such a cruel tease faskdfhsdaj ‘here are all the cool-ass things we had planned. sucks you never get to see it huh’ im devastated 

- magneto without his helmet and playing charmingly with children like charles is going ‘well at least I saved my marriage finally’ fsadkhfjsd (honestly tho I would be super interested in seeing how they’d redeem this magneto because he’s been a real bitch the whole time lol) 

there’s an interesting thing here where magneto looks down at wanda as the last thing he does on screen before this epilogue part (yeah I hope it fucking haunts you forever what you did to her erik you absolute piece of hot garbage) and the last thing charles does is look at jean b/c he knows what’s going to happen to her and it breaks his heart... Dramatic Parallells  

- just the hint of jean as the phoenix has me in full D:D:D: mode tho maybe I wouldn’t have survived it

- gambit in the last groupshot with his arm around rogue ;^) I mean I’m sure they’re headed for some turns and roundabouts along the way but what’s that thing she says as her wedding vow, that she’ll always find her way back? anyway that got me in my heart

- man I really wish this show had been given more seasons, we were barely even getting warmed up here :’(

#x men evolution #x men #gambit #rogue x gambit #aaah this is like therapy for me... just dumping all my emotions into a tumblr post and then let them go into the ether #I am now wondering if I'm desperate enough to go all the way back to the x-men animated series (which I've never seen before!) #like am I willing to go there for more Contente. time will tell I suppose #happy tag #...this is very long #MAN why can't I channel this dumbass energy into fiction writing I'd get so much DONE

[waynedunlaptheorgandonor]

can i say a sort of pointless rambly thing i was thinking about that i can't put under the cut bc i'm on mobile?

jk, i'm not actually asking. ramble below, not edited for clarity. the following is completely unclear and i will not fix it:

i've been thinking about how part of the reason i'm so chill about caryl is bc growing up as a queer woc 99% of my main ships were like, never gonna fucking happen bc they literally couldn't. it was like, "omg, they gazed at each other from across the room, let's analyze the homosexual subtext of this one scene for the next fifty years, that's not necessarily hyperbole." i've watched all my ships fuck other ppl/have other love interests, and i knew that my thing was never gonna be canon, so to see like, one thing being like, "one half of my ship fucked another person several years ago while pining for the other half of my ship," i'm like...#nice, bc that can and likely will be used as a plot point to get them together later on, whereas in other situations i've been in i just kinda had to deal with it. so my impulse when i see ppl losing their shit is to be like

and to be slightly annoyed, tbh, bc the ship is still on track to be canon, and it's like, literally two white heterosexuals, they're prime candidates for juicy angsty pining that actually gets a resolution.

but!

that being said, i recognize that that attitude isn't necessarily fair. for one thing, i'm not the only queer woc (or some variation thereof) in this fandom, and some ppl's impulse might be exasperation instead, bc like, "wtf, even my mayohet ship has dumb fucking drama," and that's valid as hell, and i get it.

and also, i get that, even if you didn't grow up shipping impossible ships (or mulder/scully, bc that's a brand of bullshit all its own), this has been a suuuuper drawn out process where sometimes it feels like they're legit sprinkling crumbs to keep you hooked, just to play you again, and when you are invested in something, like /rly/ invested, especially if it's a form of escapism or hyperfixation or whatever, that can be e x h a u s t i n g. and i get that. i truly do, and while i make a lot of snide comments about the fandom being bonkers, i do get where the bulk of you are coming from (unless you're one of those ppl who hate on actors and esp actresses for just doing their jobs, and attack them on social media, in which case i am very much judging you and you need to get your life together).

i also realize that in the scheme of things i'm still a newbie. i've been here, what, twoish/threeish years, whereas some of you have been here since the beginning, so i'm not as worn out as y'all. but i also think that gives me a bit of objectivity that some of y'all have (understandably) lost.

my positivity is not meant as a sleight against those of you who are feeling negative, but is more of a semi-objective viewpoint (i say semi, bc lbr, i'm invested af in this, so i definitely have bias), and to me the threads of the storyline they're crafting seem sort of obvious.

like, let's look at it, yeah? they have one season left of this show that has been on for over a decade. they need to cater to everyone to give them a satisfying ending, while still hanging on to carylers bc of the spin-off. darylrreah seems like a very calculated move, bc it gives them both something to make abcers happy, while also creating tension and suspense and pining for carylers (i think they might underestimate just how fed up some carylers are tbh, and are banking on us to hang on for one last ride, which, honestly? if they play it right will probably work.)

if they end up doing a dumb love triangle thing, which, without seeing the episode and gauging the subtext i can't confidently say if i think they will or won't, it will ultimately end in our favor. it has to, bc leah isn't going to third wheel them on the bike in the spin-off. we can say with good authority that whatever that relationship ends up being (again, idk if they'll drag it out or not) it will be temporary. which leaves caryl open to ride off into the sunset and then bone down in every state in the united states and in puerto rico for good measure.

it's a lot of cheap drama, but i really and truly do not think it's anything to worry about, and i still really and truly trust kang to not make it out of character. ik ppl still don't agree with me on that point, and i'm not gonna argue, but to me it really does make perfect sense.

and i also predict that they are gonna play it up hardcore in the promotional shit and talking dead, but when that happens, remember it's bc it gets attention. regardless of where the story is ultimately going, relationship drama gets attention, which gets viewers, which gets amc and twd producers nice and comfy with full pockets

idk. to sum up ig i just wanted to clarify that i don't mean any harm with my relentless positivity. my history in fandom has just made this seem like nothing in comparison, bc while ppl are freaking out, i'm like, "oh damn, they're actually gonna get together by the end of this, aren't they? i didn't know that could happen!" and that makes me excited instead of upset

and you definitely don't have to listen to me. maybe i'm actually wrong. maybe i'm completely full of bullshit and am just good at making things sound confident. i got a lot of As on papers in college over books i never read, i know how to bs. but i also know how to analyze, and i while i will be the first to tell you i am not the best at a great many things, i do know that i am good at critically analyzing text while taking into account the context it was written in, and imho all signs point to canon caryl. when, i'm not entirely sure, but i see it happening. if it doesn't then they severely fucked up their storytelling, and that'd just be bad writing on their part.

(if you want proof that i'm good at reading writers'/producers' intentions, consider that i watched like, 8 seasons of supernatural before giving up, and said to myself, "i think they're gonna make destiel canon, but not until the very last second bc they are rly into catering to their fans but also have to consider their dumb fanboy audience so they can't do anything crazy overtly gay," and guess who hit the nail on the fucking head on that one)

none of this is important, but it was rattling around my mind grapes and i wanted to write it down into something vaguely coherent, and where else better to do it than here. i can word vomit and then send it into the ether and pretend i never said a thing. i love this horrible website, nothing can compare

i have no real conclusion to this, it was mostly stream of consciousness, but i hope it sort of helps y'all understand where i'm coming from, and why i am as chill as i am about things. not about y'all. y'all cause me so much anxiety i get physically sick and have to legit block tags, but with the actual show content i'm zen as hell

uh

the end ig?

it feels weird even signing off on this, but w/e

-diz

#idk #caryl #caryl positivity #caryl spoilers #twd s10 spoilers #dunlap tp

[jirnkirks]

short circuit is ending and ive made myself bonkers over amelia mann and rust nyong'o so please enjoy my loreprosals for my accidentally lichified pirate captain rust nyong'o and their trusty [he keeps insisting hes human and im too afraid and gay to ask] first mate amelia mann

That's what i like to hear

Ok this isnt super fcked up but

So heres my pitch

Rust Nyong'o (they/them) is a pirate captain, like, a pretty normal sort honestly. Worked their way up by working hard, staying alive and rolling with the punches. They had their own upper hand with a little magic in their blood, a family secret. Its a bit of hydromancy, a bit of healing a bit of everything that can nudge the world their way

Amelia Mann (he/him) is (was) their second mate. Not very close and threw together by happenstance and because Amelia was so popular with the crew rather than any real cameraderie. But beneath his quick temper and charisma, Amelia knew a good opportunity so yknow they worked.

And they were fine and normal until shit judt started getting fucked up

Amelia was swept overboard and gone for a month. Rust getting more and more unused to land, craving the sea, craving blood to give her. Its like the sea is slowly taking over their ship, keeping it steady when salt shouldve rotted through the wood. They wake up to water seeping through the ceiling, which shouldn't even be possible

(the sea is greedy)

Amelia comes back- different. Whatever it is that comes back answers to Amelia and sounds like Amelia, but he comes swathed in black and veils and heavy cloth. His temperament is calmer, but vicious. He's not friendly anymore and he takes insults to heart (and replies w murder half the time) but hes still as smart, maybe even more, and is even more helpful to Rust.

(do your best to ignore that his voice sounds like you hear it, but cuts clear regardless of how noisy the winds are and how no one overhears. How he looks like a guy swathed in a lot of clothes, but no ones seen more than his hands and what might be the suggestion of a face)

And its kind of a horror show, and it takes Rust a moment too long to realize theres something wrong with them too. They lost their foot but his prosthesic has gone bleached white, like driftwood, and feels strangely stable these days. Their connection to the water is stronger than ever as everything else wanes. The first time Rust get cut after the changes start... Instead of skin healing over, the wound turns pearly. Moons later the tips of their fingers and toes turn pearl like and its been slowly creeping in over the years (its up to their wrists now). Barnacles and algae in their hair, blood thin and saltier.

The sea's taking them all.

And i think inbetween all these changes- look like. Amelia is weird. And fucked up. And clearly not Amelia but whatever he is, he's insisted hes still Amelia Mann so sure whatever. He hums all the time and set goosebumps on their skin but with whatever they are, you either know you can kill it or wait. Until then, this Amelia is.. Easier to deal with. Actually listens to Rust instead of quietly probing for weakness. He doesnt really explain everything but like... He seems at ease with the changes and for once Rust can just. Let it out a bit, and not feel weak. Can turn to someone and ask for answers, for harbor.

(I found out Rust's PGR was kneeling)

So. Okay. This ship is all kinds of fucked. Rust should be 80 and looks barely 30. Their ship got dragged to Hades. Amelia is still humming peacefully so sure. Whatever. They'll play.

Also wow random bg info

Rust is- i had a hard time finding this info so im going w Lupita Nyong'o cuz im assuming whoever submitted it did it cuz of her. So Rust Odwuor Nyong'o is Kenyan and of the Luo people. Niq and Nico Nyong'o is their niece once removed, though they aren't very aware of the two- Niq and Nico bought thought theyre totally normal humans and i just think its funny putting niq on the other side of surprise ur familys secretly a blank. I think Rust is like.. Nb transmasc. Smart, with a desire to put their knowledge into actual practical use. Started as a legit sailor then like.. Oopsy crime pays better!

Amelia Mann was human. Amelia Mann is.. Who the fuck knows what is in who was once Amelia Mann's corpse. The closest the crew have to seeing him is like his hands and what might be his voice. The humming js real sound- when he speaks its actually in your mind. Rust has touched him, has seen more than most but even they arent sure if what they saw was real or in their head. Amelia's at least.. Gentle about it. After awhile.

so also according to my personal timeline for rust. when they were a kid, that was when the British started colonizing the Luo in modern day kenya/uganda/Mozambique sometjing to bear in mind and why i think rust is my friend fuck colonizers

(amelia fries ppl brains sometimes but he tries to keep it to a minimum now bcus it was unnecessarily messy)

Amelia doesnt use a sword, people just like to fall down dead around him lookijg like something gigantic clawed through them.

#Hades tigers #Blaseball #Sorry im just bonkers fkr tjem #Amelia mann #Rust nyong'o

[bamfdaddio]

X-Men Abridged: 1976

The X-Men, those fiery mutants that have sworn to protect a world that hates and fears them, are a cultural juggernaut with a long, tangled history. Want to unravel this tapestry? Then read the Abridged X-Men!

(X-Men 97 - 102) - by Chris Claremont and Dave Cockrum

If I ever participate in Drag Race, this will be my entrance look. (“Hear me, bitches! No longer am I the woman you knew! I am fierce! I am fashion incarnate! Now and forever, the winner of season 27!” *mugs at camera* ) (X-Men 101)

It really amazes me how quickly Claremont shifts things into high gear. One year in and he absolutely does not calm down, giving us both the Shi’ar, more Sentinels and the (motherfucking) Phoenix. SO LET'S GOOOO

You’d think that, as a telepath, Charles would be used to dreaming absolutely twisted shit, surfing everybody else´s freaky dream waves, but apparently, vividly dreaming of space is so exhausting that he needs a vacation.

To be fair, I’d be exhausted too if I dreamt of schizo space bugs on detailed splash pages. Get into it, Mr. Cockrum. (X-Men 97)

Meanwhile, Alex and Lorna have absconded to the sizzling Rio Diablo to work on their doctorates. It’s unclear what they’re studying (archaeology?) and where this Rio Diablo is (Panama, Chili, Ecuador?), but considering that Rio means River, I’m unsure whether drawing a dry dry desert is the appropriate setting. But hey, this was the pre-Google era and you’re not here for topographical nitpicking, so.

Lorna is shot by an unknown assailant and continues the long, long history of Polaris being mentally overtaken by other entities. Together with the equally not-himself Havoc, they travel back to NYC and attack the plane Xavier is boarding. The X-Men battle them, until it is revealed that these former not-quite-X-Men are in league with… Eric the Red?

Scott is all: But I was Eric the Red! Also, Eric the Red does not exist!

Xavier escapes, apparently not giving a fuck that all kinds of X-Men are demolishing the JFK airport, but the still-evil Havok and Polaris also get away. The X-Men are shook!

Some time later, The X-Men celebrate X-Mas at Rockefeller Square, where Claremont skips some steps in favour of narrative expediency. Moira and Sean are apparently in a relationship, Jean and Storm are the best of friends. It’s some pretty rough telling, not showing, but we’ll allow it, but only because the Storm/Jean-friendship is one of my favourite things.

What, you think only the movies indulged in Lee/Kirby-cameos? (X-Men 98)

Anyway, Jean and Scott are attacked by the Sentinels, who continue their trend of being way too sneaky for supersized racist robots! Xavier is kidnapped on his boat trip with super-duper scientist Peter Corbeau (seriously, he has two Nobel Prizes), while they steal away Jean, Sean and Logan in NYC. When they come to, there’s some gloating from Stephen Lang.

Jean Grey being a literal pin-up while delivering nazi-burns is such a big middle finger to everything she was in the sixties and I am here for it. (X-Men 98)

When the three kidnapped X-Men make a break for it and escape the Sentinel’s clutches, they burst through a wall, only to be greeted by the cold vacuum of space! They’re not on Earth at all: they’re on a formerly SHIELD space station! GASP! (literally)

In secret, Peter Corbeau, inventor of sliced bread, helps the X-Men back on Earth board a space shuttle, where Colossus remembers his brother Mikhail (objectively the worst Rasputin), a kosmonaut who died at the launch of another spacecraft. It’s another Future Plotline Seed©.

The X-Men dodge solar storms which sounds like a made-up contrivance but aren’t, while the Sentinels try to destroy the shuttle. In what the kids these days call a pro-gamer move, the X-Men instead ram the space station and go through to these apparently sub-par Sentinels like Magma through butter. Kurt’s showmanship and Colossus’ loyalty are highlighted, while Cyclops becomes more robotic and repressed the more Jean is in danger.

Colossus’ secondary mutation is apparently BEING THE BIGGEST DORK. (X-Men 99)

Scott almost kills Stephen Lang, but then Stephen throws his ace in the hole at them: THE OLD X-MEN? This reveal throws us right in the hallmark one hundredth issue!

And, look. Stephen, this is just a terrible plan. Instead of using most of your budget on making more impressive Sentinels, you blow half of it on making janky X-Men clones to… what? Confuse the real X-Men?

It works for a hot minute, but Kurt and Ororo quickly figure out something is wrong. This Beast, for example, isn’t hairy and this Jean doesn’t remember being in Storm’s confidence. Wolverine is the first to snap: acting on instinct, he kills ‘Jean’, proving she’s an android.

Stephen Lang, foiled by the X-Men’s logical thinking skills (which, to be fair, are notoriously unreliable), spews some hatred and accidentally blows himself up. Nothing of value is lost.

Too bad the X-Men can’t return to Earth: their space shuttle is too damaged. I actually love this: going to space is kind of a big deal for most people and the fact that the X-Men have trouble because they’re stranded in space lends them a kind of vulnerability that has been lost over the recent years. Jean steps up to the plate, herds the other X-Men into the protected life cell and assumes the pilot seat of the shuttle. This is after zapping Cyclops into unconsciousness and telling the other X-Men to kindly fuck off when they try to stop her.

As the X-Men descend onto the Earth, Jean’s telekinesis isn’t enough to protect her as she’s engulfed by solar flares. OR IS SHE?

Nothing funny. All of these panels are just beautiful. Forget those robot copy X-Men, this is why this issue is worthy of being the hundredth one. (X-Men 100)

The space shuttle crashes, rolls over JFK airport before dunking in the water. The X-Men emerge, safe, sound and very lucky and then, defying all odds, Jean emerges as the Phoenix. Fire, life incarnate, etc.

After a brief but melodramatic burst of energy, Jean collapses into unconsciousness and is hospitalized. Wolverine intends to bring her flowers (aw!), before throwing them out when he realizes the gal’s taken, establishing the X-Men’s most famous love triangle. (You can fuck right off with your Scott/Jean/Warren-bullshit.)

I’m not sure what my favorite thing is here: the absolutely bonkers everybody’s-elated-panel (special mention to Kurt’s boots and his bounce) or the subtle character beat where Kurt goes all heart-of-the-team and checks on Scott, who turns out to be not so stoic. (X-Men 101)

Charles orders all the X-Men (except Scott) to go on vacation, so he can take care of Jean. Like, Charles, you’d think they could just go hang out at the X-Mansion. Instead, they go to Ireland because Sean has conveniently inherited the ancestral Cassidy Keep.

All the X-Men dress up fancy for a welcoming feast, and it seems Kurt and Ororo are flirting? But sometimes, it also seems like Ororo and Piotr are flirting? Listen, I’m not judging: I love these polycule vibes from the early X-Men. Especially because neither Kurt nor Ororo have had particularly satisfying romantic plotlines for the past 20 years.

I’m not here to insinuate nothing, but last time I said “I enjoy being with both of you”, it ended up in a spitroast. (X-Men 101)

The soiree is interrupted by… THE JUGGERNAUT, BITCH, and Black Tom, Sean Cassidy’s evil cousin. They are hired by an unknown someone to kill the X-Men! Since nobody subtle is involved, they quickly wreck the castle and everybody tumbles into the dungeons. (Local news paper reports: gay power couple harasses ill-dressed American tourists.)

This story is mostly a vehicle to tells Ororo’s backstory: Storm, one of the few who could conceivably put up a fight to Cain Marko, feels caged by the cold rocks of Cassidy Keep and is incapacitated by her claustrophobia.

Back in the USA, Charles, who’s heard Storm’s mental anguish, is furious with Scott because he doesn’t hop in a plane to save the other X-Men, even though Scott correctly points out that he’ll never get there in time if he leaves now. Meanwhile, Jean awakens, convinced she somehow brought herself back to life. Yeah, you go girl.

While the rest of the X-Men fight the evil duo in Ireland, Claremont tells Storm’s backstory in a few gorgeous spreads.

“I could write a novel about Storm’s backstory.” “You get two pages.” “Deal.” (X-Men 102)

Another classic comics trope appears here, where family members are immune to one another’s powers. I have no idea how Black Tom is immune to Banshee’s sonic scream - he has ears.

Does Black Tom just have a voice in his ears going NEENER NEENER NEENER when Sean screams? (X-Men 102)

When Storm finally pulls herself back together, it’s too late: the Juggernaut has pummeled the other X-Men into a paste and she also falls to his onslaught. IS THIS THE END OF THE X-MEN?!

Other things introduced this year:

Kurt’s image inducer, which he abuses to look like Errol Flynn. (I would abuse it to look like an amalgam of Milo Ventimiglia (ca. Gilmore Girls) and Timothée Chardonnay. OR like Emmy Raver-Lampman.)

The fastball special!

All kinds of name confusion: Lorna is Polaris, Havok is sometimes Havoc and Piotr becomes Peter.

Best new character: Phoenix. Hit me with that iconic shit.

What to read: The Stephen Lang arc is not fully necessary, just read issue 100 and 101. Don’t skip issue 102 if you want to know all about Storm’s past.

#x-men abridged #abridged x-men #x-men #professor x #phoenix #cyclops #jean grey #nightcrawler #storm #colossus #wolverine #chris claremont #dave cockrum #polaris #havok #stephen lang #sentinels #juggernaut #black tom #ororo munroe